


Sass and Win

by AlligatorEyes



Series: Tales of Sass and Win [1]
Category: Katekyou Hitman Reborn!
Genre: Alternate History, Alternate Timelines, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Twins, Canon-Typical Violence, Comedy, Flame Harmonization (Katekyou Hitman Reborn!), Flame Lore (Katekyou Hitman Reborn!), Gen, Horror, Insert Eldritch Horror Here, M/M, Magical mafia 101, Multi, Mystery, Pop Culture, Reincarnation, Sass, Self-Indulgent, Self-Insert, Sibling Bonding, Sort Of, Time Travel, Video Game Logic, from another universe, is a thing
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-27
Updated: 2020-06-29
Packaged: 2020-07-23 07:55:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 42
Words: 335,490
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20004889
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AlligatorEyes/pseuds/AlligatorEyes
Summary: My name is Sawada Inari and I shouldn’t be here. I remember this story and ‘I’ was never part of it.But here I am.Might as well have some fun with all this nifty precognitive knowledge....yeah, that would have been nice.





	1. Existential Uncertainty

**Author's Note:**

> Like the memory of a dream.

I shouldn’t be here.

And I don’t mean that in a situational way I mean it in an existential way. I shouldn’t be in this life. It’s not a feeling that I really have any supporting evidence for which makes it even more uncomfortable.

My name is Inari.

Sawada Inari.

I live in Namimori Japan with my mother and twin brother Tsunayoshi. I have lived here my entire life. But recently I’ve been getting this nagging sensation that this is not where I’m supposed to be.

Somehow, I am an intruder in my own life and there is no cause for this. Mom has never been anything less than a loving and caring parent. Sure, she could be a bit of a ditz sometimes, but she had never given me any indication that I don’t belong with them in this household.

And Tsuna….

Well, Tsuna is clingy. I hardly ever get a moment to myself because Tsuna is always there. My brother is kind of a human disaster I don't really understand how it's possible for one person to fail in so many ways. It was honestly somewhat intriguing.

The point is Tsuna doesn’t really have anyone other than me. He doesn’t have any friends. Our teachers are all convinced he’s a hopeless case. Even mom gives him these looks sometimes like she’s not quite sure what to do with him. Technically, if anyone should feel like they don’t belong it should be Tsuna.

Not that I would wish that on him, I love my disaster brother.

Maybe it's just one of those weird teenage things adults keep talking about? Your growing up and your childhood life doesn’t fit quite right anymore? Is that a thing? I feel like I’ve heard someone say that before.

Whatever.

I don’t really know any other reason why I feel like this.

Anyway, I have more important things to worry about right now.

“Tsuna I swear to god if you stayed up all night reading manga again, I am going to leave your ass here and you can just deal with being late.”

Tsuna proceeded to dispute my accusations by chewing on his pillow and mumbling incomprehensibly.

“I have to be at school in ten minutes for baseball practice. You either have to wake up now or risk getting ‘bitten to death’ by Hibrari when you inevitably turn up to school late.”

Tsuna snores.

I sigh.

“You have sealed your own fate brother. Let it be known that I tried to help you.” I give him a somewhat aggressive smack that apparently, he cannot feel at all through the cushy layers for the duvet.

I don’t even try to be quiet as I gather up my books and gear. If he manages to sleep through all of this, it is his own damn fault. At this point I am pretty sure he willingly ignoring my prodding. He probably thinks that he can get away with skipping out on Nezu’s math test today.

“See ya later bro.”

Mom is already cooking so I don’t put much effort into being quiet.

“Morning mom.” I greet her with a kiss on the cheek. It makes her smile and she laughs. It always does and so I always do it. Things aren’t easy for a ‘single’ mother of two and if there’s even the littlest thing I can do to make things better for her I will.

“Good morning Inari-chan.” She says. “Your lunch is ready on the counter. You have morning practice, right? I packed you some extra.”

Yay, mom’s cooking is literally the best thing ever. “Thanks, mom.”

“Is your brother awake?”

“Naw, not for my lack of trying though.”

She sighs.

“I really don’t know what to do with that boy sometimes. Your guidance counselor called yesterday to let me know that he’s failing math and English again.”

Oh, Tsuna…

“I try to help him mom but…”

“I know you do sweetie. And it's not your job to do your brother's school work for him. Don’t worry Mama has a plan to fix this.”

She gives him the brightest and most concerning smile.

“Now go and have a great day!”

I resolve not to think too deeply into mom’s plots. Last time she had enrolled the two of us into ballet class to try and help with Tsuna’s balance and coordination issues.

Once I had gotten over the mortification of being in public in a leotard it had been fun, and it had given the opportunity to get to know Hanna better. She was a wonderful source of snark and amusement in my life.

Tsuna had never gotten over the leotard mortification and had resolutely refused to put any effort into the class whatsoever. Somehow the kids at school had gotten wind of our adventures in ballet and they had teased Tsuna endlessly about it.

The guys had tried to get to me too but that would have only worked if I had given a shit about what people thought.

Getting friendly with Hana had probably helped too.

About halfway to the campus, I meet up with Takeshi and we jog the rest of the way together. Or you know race like a couple of teenage idiots who don’t know how to properly conserve their energy for a long day.

The two of us have been having friendly competitions for too many years now to stop. We had played on the same little league team since we were tiny tots. We have the sacred bond of sharing juice boxes and listening to his dad plays weird opera music in the car for seven hours as we drove to an away game.

We survived that fucking nightmare camp together.

“Ha victory!” I cheer smacking my hand on the fence a fraction of a second before Takeshi.

“I’ll win next time Sawada.”

Takeshi has this way of smiling that makes me think of a wolf. Sure, it’s a smile, but it’s also a predator showing off his fangs in a very ‘come at me bro’ kind of way. Honestly, I think it's awesome.

“Sure, you will bro. If by next time you mean in your dreams.” I shoot back because I am made of fucking snark and win.

Takeshi laughs, taking it like the good-natured ribbing that it was meant to be, and the two of us head toward the clubhouse.

“There are better things to do if I see you in my dreams, Sawada.”

Or not.

“Dude what!”

“Wouldn’t it be more fun if we went on a quest to slay a dragon.”

Oh yeah, I forgot this is Takeshi. He wouldn’t understand innuendo if it came and smacked him in the face with an alligator.

“That would be dope… But speaking of dragons, did you finish up the translations for English?”

The slight stiffening of his spine told be that no, no he did not.

“Oops?” He says, completely unrepentant.

“I’ll help you fill it out at lunch if you help me out with the Japanese poetry nightmare.”

“Deal.”

We seal the deal with a fist bump and proceed to change into our uniforms. We go through the usual laps and stretches and go on to the drills. I play shortstop, Takeshi plays pitcher. Neither of us is on the starting lineup for the team but it's still fun to hang out with everyone.

I had tried to get Tsuna to sign up for the team when registration came around but be had been concerned that it would cut into his all-important relaxation time. Looking back, I probably should have nagged him more. Even if he was only the water boy it would have forced him to come out of his shell a bit more.

We practice for about an hour before the coach orders us to hit the showers before we’re late for homeroom.

The water is still freezing.

I’m not exactly sure what had happened to the water heater but one of the upper class-men had mentioned that it had something to do with Hibari and that had been exactly enough information for me to stop wondering about it entirely. I enjoy living too much to get involved with Hibari levels of crazy bullshit.

We jog into class only seconds after the bell. I notice two things right off the bat. One, Mrs. Nakamura is giving me the evil eye, and two, Tsuna isn’t in his seat. I can’t help but feel like part two is somewhat related to part one.

“Mr. Sawada where is your brother?” The tone of her voice makes me think that the word motherfucker is lurking somewhere in that question.  
“Bathroom,” I answer immediately because like hell I’m going to call my brother out for playing hooky.

He’ll show up soon eventually anyway.

“Will he be returning from the bathroom this time?”

“Sure, unless he falls down the stairs again.”

She just glares at me. It is so weird. I don’t even think she ever gives Tsuna this much shit and he’s the one who is perpetually late.

It’s the blonde hair, I know it’s the blonde hair. On the first day of class, she called me out for having dyed hair and did not buy it when I told her it was natural. It probably didn’t help that someone suggested that I drop my pants to prove it.

That had been a fun day.

She had hated my guts ever since.

“Take your seat, Sawada.” She grinds out and continues with the attendance.

I slide in my seat next to Hana who is busy organizing her pencils into the optimal pencil formation. She had explained it to me once, but it had sounded a lot like an OCD panic attack and so at the time I had simply nodded along and patted her shoulder in what I hoped was a comforting way.

“Your hair is still wet.” She whispers once Mrs. Nakamura leaves the room.

“The hairdryers are still broken.”

She rolls her eyes and pulls out a notebook and jots down a few lines in the section labeled ‘Student Council.’

“I’ll bring it up at the next meeting.”

“I look forward to briefly having hot water and hair dryers before Hibari inevitably destroys them in a fit of psychotic rage again.”

“Ugh, don’t make me think about that brute please.”

“Probably a good idea. I think saying is name is one of the methods of summoning him.”

“He’s not a literal demon Sawada.” Hana says.

“Are you sure? A third-year told me that if you whisper his name three times in front of a mirror he’ll appear and bite you to death.”

“I’m pretty sure that was ripped off from Bloody Mary.”

There are a few more snarky remarks that I could make but at that moment the door flies open and in stumbles Tsuna looking around like a recently escaped fugitive.

“I made it? She’s not here yet?!”

Oh Tsuna, my poor sweet boy.

He sounds so relieved that I don’t have the heart to crush his hopes. However ill-founded they might be.

Lucky, I don’t have to, because Nezu chooses that moment to appear like the creeper he is.

“Sawada, what are you doing out of your seat?” He demands.

“Heee! Sorry!” Tsuna squeals and scampers to his desk.

Which he promptly trips over and faceplants into the linoleum.

I wholehearted ignore Nezu’s demands that I stay in my seat and help my brother to his feet and get him seated in his desk. The rest of the class chuckles but I don’t really give a fuck. I’m not going to leave him when he’s down.

Though judging by the look on his face he wishes that I had. That or he wishes that he had fallen straight through the floor and landed in some alternate dimension where he had managed to take his seat like a normal person.

I realize that I don’t make things any better for him when I’m constantly stepping in and fighting his battles for him. But it would be easier to leave him to his own devices if he had literally any fight in him at all.

“You okay bro?” I ask.

“Ye-yeah I’m fine. Sorry for the trouble.”

I pat him on the shoulder before returning to my desk still pointedly ignoring Nezu’s snide reprimands.

“Since you all seem so lively today, I suppose you won't mine a pop quiz.” He says and begins handing out the completely unsurprising pop quiz.

Can it even be considered a pop quiz any more when there is literally one every class?

I think at this point it is a very much expected quiz. Anyone who is surprised by this quiz is not the sharpest tool in the shed.

I immediately regret this thought as Tsuna’s shriek of despair echoes through the chorus of groans.

Tsuna, bro, buddy, I love you to pieces but please learn to pay attention.

The test is multiple-choice, thank god. Math is not my strong suit and anything that required that I show my work usually ended up with docked marks, but multiple-choice took away that added bit of stress.

Even Tsuna, who was probably at this moment making completely random guesses at answers, had a shot of doing decently with a multiple-choice quiz. I mean it’s a slim chance but its better than nothing.

* * *

* * *

Spoiler alert.

It hadn’t gone well for Tsuna.

He has the crumpled test paper in his hands as we walk home together that evening. At the top of the page is a big, fat, red zero. Which based on the rules of probability is amazing. Even if he was taking random guesses, he should have at least gotten one or two right.

But no, Tsuna, with all his special talent had managed to get all 54 questions wrong. Honestly, I thought this was more fascinating than tragic. 

“It’s not so bad Tsuna,” I say attempting to console him.

He responds with a completely dejected look.

“Ok, so yeah, it is that bad but it’s only a shitty math test its not the end of the world or anything.”

“Kyoko-chan saw my test score.” He sniffles.

Oh lord, not this again.

“Bro, I don’t think Sasagawa really gives a fuck about your grades.”

He gasps, “Inari, don’t swear using Kyoko-chan’s name!”

He sounds so mortified that it's almost funny. But I know from experience that if I joke about his ill-advised crush on our school idol that I am in for at least four hours of the silent treatment and sad puppy dog eyes. Which shouldn’t be as effective as they were considering we had the exact same face.

“Yeah, yeah I’m sorry,” I say to appease him.

“And what are you doing saying Kyoko-chan’s name? Huh, Dame-Tsuna?”

There are various things that I hate about Mochida, but chief among them is that fucking nickname.

He comes around the corner and I can just tell he is itching to pick a fight. No, not pick a fight, he just wanted to fuck with someone and his favorite target just happens to be Tsuna.

“Fuck off Mochida,” I tell him.

“I don’t think I was talking to you Irani-chan. Shouldn’t you be sucking Yamamoto’s dick or something? You fucking faggot.”

I feel Tsuna freeze up next to me. His breath is coming in shallow gasps. He’s afraid and considering the circumstances, I can’t say that it’s not justified. And me well…

The world has started to bleed red at the edges.

“Now, Dame-Tsuna, what were you saying about Kyoko-chan?”

He’s gotten too close now, too fucking close to Tsuna. Suddenly my brother isn’t next to me anymore he’s being pinned to the wall by this fucking prick. There are more guys surrounding us now too. Mochida’s goons by the look of them.

I am kicking myself because I was the idiot who was dumb enough not to pay attention.

This fucker shouldn’t have his hands anywhere near my brother. He shouldn’t be anywhere near Tsunayoshi.

**This asshole isn’t even real.**

**A useless part of the set design**.

I don’t really take the time to contemplate the intruding thought. I don’t have any time to spare. That thing has its hands on Tsuna and it’s hurting him and that is not allowed.

Before I can really think about what I’m doing my fist has contacted the back of his head and I am full-on grappling him off Tsuna. One of his goons tries to grab me from behind but I snap my head back just in time to flatten his nose against his face.

Tsuna has taken this opportunity to get as far away from Mochida as possible and is continuing to creep away.

I give him a look that I feel very clearly conveyed, “Get going, idiot.”

Though apparently, Tsuna had interpreted it as, “Come help me, idiot.” And was now coming back toward us. Its moments like this that make me wish that twin telepathy was a real thing and not just some bullshit urban myth.

Unfortunately, as I have said before, Tsuna is an uncoordinated mess and therefore only succeeded in getting punched in the face. He went down hard and was not moving.

I kind of lost it after that.

I remember screaming bloody murder in Mochida’s ear before beating him over the head with my fists. One of the other guys finally managed to pull me off, Mochida. I hit the ground hard and I felt the pavement slicing into my hands.

Not that I cared at that moment. I lashed out and grabbed one of them by the ankle making him crash face-first into the pavement. And hot damn did he go down hard. I’m pretty sure his nose instantly broke. One of the other fuckers ruined my moment of victory by kicking me in the ribs.

While I was winded, they managed to make off with Matsuda and the other looser leaving me and Tsuna alone in this shitty god damned alley.

It took a moment before I had enough energy to drag my sorry ass over to where Tsuna was still knocked out cold. And I couldn’t shake the feeling that something was wrong.

Beyond the random assault in the alley. There was something else that was wrong here. Something was telling me that ‘Tsuna could have handled those guys easy.’ Which is an insane thought because Tsuna wouldn’t hurt a fly, and nor could he.

But the thought still wouldn’t let up and leave me alone.

**He could have handled that with his dying will.**

“Tsuna? Tsuna are you there?” I shake his shoulder as gently as possible because I really don’t want to aggravate what is probably already a pretty terrible head injury. His eye is already swelling and turning a dark shade of purple, which doesn’t bode well.

“Owwww.” He groans blinking up at me.

“Oh, thank god you're alive.” I heave a sigh of relief.

“Inari? What happened?” He groans prodding gently at his eye and then wincing in pain when he found the lovely new shiner, he would be sporting for at least a week.

“You got punched in the face bro.”

“Why?”

“Because Mochida is a fucking asshole.”

“Oh… Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m, well I’m not fine exactly, but I’m awake and I can move so that’s something at least.”

Tsuna levers himself up to a sitting position and for a second, he looks like he’s about the hurl on everything. He manages to pull it together though. I’m just grateful that my day isn’t ending beat to shit in a seedy ass ally and covered in vomit.

“My face hurts.”

“That’s what happens when you get cold clocked bro.”

He looks so dejected.

“I’m sorry Inari,” says Tsuna.

“For what? It's not like you invited them to come to beat the shit out of us. As far as I can tell this bullshit is all a random act of god.”

“I’m never any help. I just end up making things worse for you all the time.”

“Tsuna, that isn’t true.”

“Isn’t it?” Suddenly he’s standing, and I must crane my neck to look him in the eye.

“I screw up everything I touch. If it wasn’t for me opening my stupid mouth about Kyo- Sasagawa-san this never would have happened.”

I fix Tsuna with the most deadpan glare that I could muster before shoving out a hand towards him, “Help me up, idiot.”

To his credit, he helps me up immediately and I only throw up on his shoes.

“There. Now we're even. Let’s go home now.”

He looks more disgusted than devastated now which is much better than before. Tsuna does me a further favor by picking up my book bag and baseball gear off the ground and slinging them over his shoulder.

“Okay.”

And off we trot at a bloody snail’s pace with Tsuna jumping at every errant shadow that came to cross our path. When we finally make it home the sun has started to go down and I can smell something delicious from inside the house.

Which is a bonus for an otherwise crappy day.

“We’re home!” I call into the house ignoring Tsuna’s hiss of “what are you doing she’s going to see us!”

I don’t know how Tsuna thinks we would ever be able to hide any of this bullshit. His eye is literally swollen shut and would probably be staying that way for a good long while.

I am not entirely convinced that my ribs aren’t broken.

They hurt a fuck ton.

“Boys come into the kitchen.” Mom calls back, “There is someone I want you to meet.”

Me and Tsuna share a somewhat concerned look. Mom doesn’t have the best record by inviting random people into our house. Case and point the terrifying door to door salesman who wouldn’t leave until we bought a crappy vacuum cleaner.

We gingerly walk into the kitchen not knowing what to expect. Mom’s somewhat exasperated and dismayed expression when she catches sight of the two of us is somewhat expected. What is not expected is the other person who is sitting at our kitchen table sipping on a small cup of coffee.

“Tsuna, dear, I know you have been struggling with your schoolwork recently and so I’ve taken initiative and hired you a home tutor.”

Mom announces this and Tsuna reacts accordingly with claims that he did not need a home tutor. But I don’t really hear anything else.

There is a roaring in my ears.

The world is greying out.

The only thing I can focus on is the dark hair, dark eyes and trademarked fedora of a person that I quite suddenly remembered all about.

“Ciaossu, Dame-Tsuna.”

**That's Reborn**.

“My name is Reborn and I’m here to turn you into a leader for the next generation.”

And I quite suddenly realize why it is that I feel like I don’t belong here.

Because here isn’t real.

It shouldn’t be real.

And Sawada Inari never existed.

“Inari-chan?”

I don’t even have a moment to reassure mom before I faint dead away my mind overtaken by the massive download of information.


	2. That Guy From Italy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Inari and Tsuna adapt to the new live in tutor (and Inari adapts to having his brain melted by life altering knowledge from the multiverse).

“How many times do I have to say I don’t want to be a mafia boss?!” Tsuna whines to Reborn who looks completely unmoved by my brother's bellyaching.

My current running tally places his objections to his destined profession at around the solid forty-five mark. That isn’t counting whatever goes on when I’m not around.

I’ll round it up to a hundred and five just to be safe. Who knows how much he whines while I'm at baseball practice.

Reborn had aggressively usurped our bedroom for his lessons. Both of us had been given a rundown about the current with the Vongola. He had also made it very clear that his priority here was Tsuna who was the one that then ninth boss had named his heir. I was just along for the ride apparently.

Which okay is fine. I honestly don’t feel like devoting my entire soul to administrating the fantasy mob. Right now I’m more interested in figuring out how the fantasy mob even functions? What do they do?

Form the limited bits of information I can remember from the manga the only thing that happened was that increasingly pretty boys fought each other with magic fire for the title of biggest badass. Not that this is a problem, I have absolutely no problem with watching pretty boys duking it out.

But it irritated me that I couldn’t remember why this was a thing that happened at all. Had I known that one day my life would one day depend on in depth knowledge of a manga series that I only briefly read when I had been a fucking teenager…

To be honest I probably would have still said fuck it. I am not capable of that level of obsessive bullshit.

The Godfather was a much better dramatization of the mob anyway. Less immediately applicable in my circumstances but a much more intriguing piece of media re: crime families.

I am excited at the prospect of wielding magic fire though. The fantasy nerd deep within my heart wants nothing more than to have a chance to use magic.

My stream of consciousness is rudely interrupted by Tsuna letting out a shrill shriek of pain as he once again failed to answer the math problem correctly. One thing I do appreciate about all this shit is that tutoring Tsuna has fallen into much more capable hands.

Tiny sadistic hands that had no problem when it came to using force to motivate him into doing his god damn homework.

“Inari! How can you just sit there?!” wails Tsuna.

I don’t really pay him any mind. I’m more intent on discovering all the weird new pokemon that had been invented in what I assume is some bizarre alternate timeline. Cobalt was a cool game though. Someone on the programming team was big on hidden lore which is always cool.

“You brought this on yourself bro bro. I’ve been telling you for the past week to finish your shit.”

“This is cruel and unusual!”

A spare a glance at him over the top of my Gameboy. He’s giving me the most pitiful puppy dog eyes that he can muster. Which, hanging upside-down from the ceiling from a lime green cocoon was pathetic. 

“Yup.” I agree and then go back to playing my game.

“Can’t you at least help me!?”

I feel a twinge of annoyance at this because I had spent years trying to help him. Years which had somehow boiled down to me doing his fucking homework for him. So, no, I was not going to help him this time. It was time for my dear brother to get a taste of reality and deal with is own shitty consequence.

Which, in this case, was a violent hell child. Or rather, a grown man trapped in the form of an infant.

Thinking about it, that must be damn traumatizing for him.

No wonder he’s such a sadist.

“Nope, no-can-do bro-bro, you dug your self into this academic canyon and I’m sure you can dig yourself out.”

“Inari~”

“La la la I can’t hear you over the sounds of you doing your homework.”

Reborn quickly grabs the reins after this and is back to drilling algebra through Tsuna’s skull. And I am back on my quest to discover the multiverse of pokemon because this is just fascinating.

I let Tsuna and Reborn’s voices into the background. Eventually Reborn lets him leave to go get a snack. Unfortunately, I wasn’t paying close enough attention to realize that I was now alone in a room with this world’s most deadly hitman. In hindsight, this was a stupid mistake on my part. 

* * *

* * *

He just sits there polishing his gun and staring at me with those unnerving black eyes. I do my best to ignore him, by which I mean I hide behind the Gameboy and shoot less than covert glances in his direction. You know, to make sure he doesn't start pointing that thing at me.

Reborn is waiting for me to say something. I don't know how used to having drawn out stare-downs with fourteen-year-old boys he is but I get the feeling most people crack long before this.

Though to be fair most people don't have inter-dimensional knowledge. Even if it was extremely specific inter-dimensional knowledge about a manga plot and a whole bunch of pop culture and history that didn't really apply in this universe.

Fun fact: the internet doesn't exist in this world at least not in the same way that I remember it.

Think more Wolfram Alpha less Google.

It's also 2002 which is completely normal, but also not because I remember it is not that at the same time. Space-time is a weird concept.

This had actually resulted in a small mental breakdown on my part when I realized that. And then I was hit with an entire existential crisis because I had grown up in this world and I had never had the likes of google here before… but still.

“So, Inari.”

I startle so badly that I drop the Gameboy on my face. I had legitimately forgotten that Reborn was here. I was so busy with my paradoxical internet withdrawal.

“Yeah?”

“You seem to be feeling better now.”

“Oh, uh, yeah.”

It was probably a good thing that me and Tsuna had gotten jumped by Mochida and his goons that day. It gave me a legitimate excuse to spend the next three days having an extreme panic attack and pass out all I wanted to.

“Yup all better now.”

Tsuna had even gotten to go and righteously kick Mochida’s ass with his flames of awesomeness. Takeshi had recounted the entire bizarre series of events to me over the phone as Tsuna screamed into the void about the humiliation of having Kyoko see him in his underpants.

That had been a fun night.

We drop off into silence again this time more obviously defending into a staring contest. I have no idea what he wants me to say.

Reborn sighs and holsters his weapon.

Tsuna still isn't back from snack time and I get the feeling that he is just going to be camping out in the living room with a bowl of chips and some anime until Reborn goes to drag him back up here.

“The two of you are really nothing alike.” He says. Not extrapolating and not really needing to. I know who he's talking about.

“We are fraternal twins. It's a thing that exists.”

I can see the tick of annoyance. Honestly, if Dino and Tsuna were his benchmarks for child interaction he may need to invest in some new tactics because that intimidation stick isn't going to work so well on me.

“I'm aware.” He says dryly.

“Well good, I’d be worried about your tutoring credentials if you didn't.”

“Watch the cheek with me Ragazzo there is only so much I will tolerate from a puppy like you.”

“Ragazzo?”

“It means boy.”

I don't know if I find that demeaning or endearing.

“Do I get to learn Italian?”

The look that he gives me is positively diabolical.

“You're going to learn a lot more than that.”

The grin I give him back is all teeth.

“Sweet.”

* * *

* * *

The next day Reborn lets Tsuna sleep in.

He had actually managed to write a coherent paragraph in English last night so Reborn had decided to reward him. Sunday is the day of rest after all. I, however, am awoken at 5:59 am by the sound of the safety being taken off of a handgun.

“Did you major in drama by any chance?” A slur at him.

I go cross-eyed trying to glare at him and instead focus in ton the barrel of the gun between my eyes.

He leaves it there for a moment before it transforms back into an adorable chameleon.

“I’m not sure if your reaction to firearms is concerning or impressive.”

“What?”

“I’m going to go with concerning though until I have evidence to the contrary.”

“…it's six am man what do you want?”

He kicks me in the leg with more force than a body his size should be able to generate.

“Get up we’re heading out.”

I yawn and stretch.

“Should I get Tsuna up?”

“Just you.”

“Kay.”

I spend the next five minutes stumbling around the bedroom trying to be as quiet as humanly possible.

I settle on jeans and a hoodie, which is orange meaning that it's Tsuna’s but six am means that I don't really care right now, and I head downstairs to meet whatever doom Reborn has plotted out for me.

He’s waiting for me at the bottom of the stairs and when I get down there he gives me the most incredulous look and mutters something about irritating children.

Rude.

It's a brisk morning for June which makes me glad I though to put on a hoodie. Reborn hops up onto my shoulder like a parrot and starts giving directions. I move along obediently not bothering to ask where we are going. I'm fairly certain that he isn't going to kill me.

“I've decided it's concerning.” he says abruptly.

Before I have a chance to respond to that something collides violently with the back of my head.

…

It would have been more climactic if I had actually passed out. But I didn’t. I turned slowly to look at the fucking goon that had tried to take my head off, blood dripping into my eyes.

He looks like a fucking yakuza wannabe.

He also looks fucking terrified.

Obviously he isn't used to people remaining conscious after he cold clocks them. Unfortunately for him, I have spent the past year going toe to toe with Hibari Kyoya and my head was made of stronger stuff.

Before the idiot has a chance to do anything else my foot collides with his jaw and he goes down hard.

“That hurt mother fucker.” I tell the twitching mass on the ground.

“Was that supposed to happen?” I ask Reborn. “Or was that like a randomly spawned encounter.”

“Very different," is the only thing that I hear Reborn say before a comically large green mallet collides with my head and I go down for real.

* * *

* * *

When I come to again I am tied to a chair in the most stereotypical hostage scenario that anyone could possibly cook up. And also staged by incompetent gangsters. There is nothing that is actually securing me to this chair other than a badly tied rope that I can easily slip out of.

Where did Reborn find these losers?

Because this was obviously all Reborn’s doing. I am not an idiot, I know what I signed up for here.

I just wish that a concussion wasn't a requirement.

“Hey fuckers,” I call over to them. Because what the fuck right?

The two guards(?) that are on me turn. They really are stereotypical gangsters with their badly dyed hair, a multitude of piercing and leather. I don't know where Reborn found these idiots but he should get a refund.

Excuse me, sir, I need to return these gangsters. You sold me defective gangsters I need better ones to abduct my teenage student.

…

Yeah, I have some sort of head trauma.

“Eh, the fuck do you want kid?” One spits in my face getting way too close for comfort.

“So many things,” I say “For starters how about you be a nice moron and untie me.”

A boot collides with my sternum and the chair and I both go clattering to the ground.

“You are in no position to be talking like such a smart-ass brat.” The other one drawls in what I assume is supposed to be a threatening tone. It would have worked better if the other guy kicking me over hadn't freed my hands.

Seriously incompetent gangsters.

“What do you want with me anyway?” I ask.

They share a look that tells me ‘money.’

“None of your business.”

“I disagree on the grounds that I am tied up on a cliche horror movie set. Common guys, can we move this dialogue tree along to the point where you tell me what the fuck you want?”

He doesn't get a chance to answer because Tsuna chooses that moment to fly through the window in his underpants and kick the fucking shit out of them.

He takes a moment to seethe in rage at the two unconscious idiots before him before he remembers that his dear sweet baby bro is still ‘tied up’ on the ground. The fire dies out and he rushes over to me in a panic.

“Inari! Are you okay!?”

“Yup, sure, awesome. Good work bro you successfully rescued the princess from the dungeon…let's loot those mother fuckers.”

Tsuna reaches down to haul me up with a look of absolute **DETERMINATION**.

“Lets do it.”

And this is how we added: taser, a bat with nails in it and 50,000 Yen into our inventory.

Sweet.

* * *

* * *

Life with Reborn living in our bedroom marches on at a steady pace after this. He inserts himself into our lives with all the self-important ease that one would expect from a mafia legend. Every day we get sent on a new fetch quest and set up for a ‘random’ encounter all in an effort to transform my dopey brother into the king of the mafia (or something like that).  


I like to think that I adapted to this drastic change in our daily lives better than Tsuna did, but to be honest most of my nonchalance could be chalked up to the fact that I was quite recently imbued with precognitive knowledge of the events that would make up the next year or so of my brother’s life.  
  
  
It was strange that I could remember, with perfect clarity, the ink on paper that had told the story of a boy who was forced to take up the mantle of a powerful crime family and wielded magic fire with his hands, and yet I could not remember a single detail from my own past life. Beyond the fact that I am certain that I had one.  


Sawada Inari hadn’t existed on the pages of that story. He had never been born, or if he had, he hadn’t lived long enough to make any lasting contributions to the plot.  


I exist though. I exist and since I came to this realization I have become intent on making my mark on this story even if it may only be notes in the margins and colorful stuck on the pages with WTF scrawled across them.  


**I’m alive.**   


**I exist.**  


The creeping feeling of existential terror is not helping my ability to hold onto normality. I have found myself full of nervous energy humming under my skin and an insistent voice egging me on to do something.

This is probably why I threw myself into Reborn’t ‘hellish’ training with such single-minded dedication.

The ferocity of my dedication was almost matched by Tsuna’s complete and utter rejection of the entire thing.

  
“How many times do I have to tell you that I’m not going to be a mafia boss!?”  


  
He screams this at me, Reborn, the universe as a whole as he stands in the school courtyard in his boxers’ courtesy of another of Reborn’s dying will bullets.  


  
“Don’t give up on life Tsuna,” Reborn tells him a faux consoling tone of voice. “I’ll make sure you become the most fearsome boss that ever lived.”  


  
“Heeee!” Tsuna whines pathetically and futilely attempts to cover himself up to preserve some sort of dignity.  


I had personally yet to feel the effects of the weird magic contained in Reborn’s special “Dying Will Bullets.” Probably because all Reborn had to say was ‘do the thing’ and I would go do that thing. Even when that thing was getting kidnapped by incompetent yakuza goons.

I kind of want to try it though.  


Not because I had any nefarious plots to usurp Tsuna’s role in this story. No, no, no, Tsuna could keep the title of Anime Protagonist with my blessing. I just want a shot at being a somewhat competent side character.  


“Common bro don’t pout,” I say as I hand over a set of gym clothes. “Your flames of passion are pretty friggin awesome. I’m pretty sure you actually jumped twenty vertical feet there.”  


Tsuna shoots me the most pathetic puppy dog eyes imaginable. “That's easy for you to say, you’re not the one getting shot all the time.”  


“Thus, is the burden of destiny, my brother. Face it, you are the chosen one, embrace it.” I choose not to mention the numerous times I have gotten hit in the head since this entire adventure started.  


Tsuna leans heavy into my side and I wrap an arm around his shoulders to support him. Poor guy, this is really taking a lot out of him.  


“Not fair,” he mutters.  


“I would tell you ‘life isn’t fair’ but I’m pretty sure we have slid straight into the realm of sci-fi fantasy, so I will just say “sucks to be you.””  


We start meandering back to class, not really paying much mind to the literal pile of juvenile delinquents that have been left behind in the wake of Tsuna’s dying will passion. It wasn’t that I minded having to play the part of damsel in distress for him, but I really hope that I don’t become one of those irritating plot devices.  


“Why couldn’t it be you?” Tsuna asks.  


“Huh?”  


“We’re twins, so why couldn’t you have been chosen for all this weird mafia stuff? You're so much better at all this than me.”  


I risk a quick glance over at Reborn who is keeping pace with us atop the school's concrete wall. He hadn’t really extrapolated on the how’s and whys. I’m pretty sure it’s a combo of Tsuna being the firstborn and being a sky flame.  


I actually don’t have any memory of using flames myself, but after recent the massive information download last week I do remember when we were very young Tsuna used to be able to conjure a soft orange flame.  


It wasn’t until that moment that I had been able to remember anything of that sort happening at all which kind of has me worried that my mind has been tampered with as well.  


“Inari?”  


I realize that I hadn’t answered his question.  


“Oh, uh, sorry. I don’t know ask our lord and overseer over there.” I tell him gesturing over toward Reborn. Who, by the grace of costume changing magic, is dressed up like a Shogun.  


How?  


And also: Can you teach me?  


Tsuna pales dramatically and through a complex series of hand gestures inform me that he would rather drink a carton of spoiled milk (again) rather than willingly engage in Reborn’s extra special brand of crazy.

  
All right then.

  
“Yo overlord,” I call up at him.

  
“Yes, Inari.” He acknowledges magnanimously.

  
Seriously, if Tsuna just learned to play to Reborn’s vanity half of his problems would be solved.

  
“Tsuna wants to know the epic backstory of how he was chosen for this magical life of crime.”

  
There is a glint in his eyes as his focus homes in on Tsuna who is suddenly using me as a human shield. It doesn’t bother me, I have always taken my Tsuna protecting duties very seriously.

  
“Is that true Dame-Tsuna?” He asks.

  
“Nope, no, I definitely don’t care about any of this stupid mafia stuff. Can we please go back to class now?!”

  
“Hn, good, because both of you are a million years too early to be asking me for storytime.”

So, it seems like we will have to level up Reborn’s social link to unlock this conversation. Which, okay, that makes sense considering we are still technically in the prologue phase of the story here. Unfortunately, the manga only offered the vaguest sense of timeline and that was more or less an ‘order of operations’ type thing. Event B follows event A and so on and so forth.

I think we need Gokudera to show up before truly interesting shit starts to happen. And I have no idea when that will happen because Tsuna has already kicked Mochida’s ass and some other random bonus events. See above re Me getting faux kidnapped by crappy gangsters so that Tsuna could collect some manliness tokens.

“Cool, cool, cool. Just one question if I may?”

“What’s that.”

“Where did you pick up that swag man? I would like to get me some of it.”

Because I have to know where do the costumes come from?!

Reborn legit laughs. Not in a sarcastic way or a ‘look at this dumb ass kid’ kind of way. No, he gives a full-body laugh and he sounds, for the first time since I’ve known him in real life, happy.

“You really are a ballsy little shit, aren’t you?”

I feel Tsuna freeze a little bit against me at the somewhat vulgar language coming out of the mouth of what he saw as a literal toddler.

“You betcha. “I tell him with a cheeky grin.

Shut up, I’m not flirting. I just want to be as big of a badass as Reborn is when I grow up.

Seriously, this is a man who has been condemned to a purgatorial existence in the form of a toddler and yet he is super suave and confident and probably has a literal harem of beautiful people squirreled away somewhere.

“Can I at least get a fedora.”

He snorts, “Do something impressive first brat and we’ll see.”

Score.

“Inari.” Tsuna whines.

Expressing his increasing unhappiness that I am interacting with his new sworn enemy.

“Let's go do some fucking geometry.”

* * *

* * *

Two things happen in math class today. One: I figured out that just because I have apparently lived life once before and have (hopefully) finished middle school education at least once this does not mean that I know the answers to all the questions on a math test.

Two: (and more importantly in my opinion) Gokudera showed up. Finally, I mean I’m pretty sure he has been hanging around somewhere since Tsuna broke Mochida’s face when the two of them went all caveman over The fair maiden Kyoko. 

But I digress, Gokudera comes in like fucking gangbusters and promptly kicks Tsuna’s desk over, because he is an asshole right now. I had forgotten that the plot had to happen before he confesses his undying love and devotion to Tsuna. So, this might actually be pretty irritating.

I don’t have much patience for people harassing Tsuna. 

It doesn’t help that our class is filled with a bunch of sadistic teenagers who just giggle as Tsuna tries to pick himself up off the floor rather than help him as a decent human being should.

Which is probably why I immediately chucking the world’s worst math textbook at the back of his head.

“Leave my brother alone shithead.”

Silence reigns in the classroom. Even Nezu, who always seems to have a snide comment ready is, for the moment, at a loss for words.

It is worth it though, it is so worth it if only for the look Gokudera gives me. It’s this beautiful combination of outrage, loathing, confusion and a little bit of embarrassment.

When Nezu finally snaps out of it we both get detention.

Which sucks, but I stand by what I said, worth it. 

* * *

* * *

Detention at Namimori Junior High has several downsides. Of course, there is just the pain in the ass part of having to stay after school when all I really want to do is go home and have a nap. The other, more irritating downside is the defense committee.  


Gokudera had, of course, skipped out on detention to continue on his quest to assassinate my brother and to claim the throne of Vongola (which wouldn’t have worked no matter what he thought). I know this because all I had to do was look out the window to see him bombarding Tsuna with literal dynamite.

I took some satisfaction from the fact that at least in this universe Tsuna had enough self-preservation instincts to break his nose. And yet Gokudera still pledged his allegiance and undying devotion to Tsuna.  


Tsuna himself had a distinctly constipated look as he stared in disbelief at the radically changed individual bowing before him. Poor sweet Tsuna has no idea what to do with respect and adoration.  


I watch as the three of them leave the campus. I had told Tsuna earlier not to bother waiting up for me. He was already exhausted from the earlier incident of stupidity. And after taking another dying will bullet to combat Gokudera he looked just about dead on his feet.  


While the teacher isn’t looking, I text him and tell him to go home and go the fuck to sleep.

  
Reborn texted me back telling me to watch my language. And that he was going to keep an eye on Tsuna for me. Which is unusually sweet for him and I am immediately sure he has something else nefarious plotted for poor sweet Tsuna. Whatever, Tsuna can deal.

  
So back to my current circumstance. I think I have mentioned this before, but just in case I haven’t let me state for the record:

  
‘Hibari Kyoya is a fucking prick.’

  
He and his band of goons are pretty much school-sanctioned bullies. They ‘patrol’ around exerting their imaginary authority over the regular student population. He had come out swinging at Tsuna with his tonfa out on our second day of class because he had missed the final bell by a millisecond.

  
He would have hit him too if I hadn’t inserted myself into that situation. My arm had hurt like a bitch for a full three days afterward. I took pleasure in knowing that my reactionary kick to his knee had left him with an ever so subtle limp for just as long.  


  
And if I thought that would be the end of it well, I was very mistaken. For, you see, Hibari is the kind of guy that likes to pick fights and his favorite targets are the ones who fight back. If I had known that ahead of time I probably would have just gone down and stayed there.

  
But no, uninformed Inari had wanted to prove a point about standing up for yourself to his impressionable twin brother. Now I had to deal with Hibari trying to sneak attack me all the god damned time.  


  
The tonfa comes from the left and almost catches me in the ribs but it's just a second too late and I dive into a dodge and roll combo. A skill that had come from years of diving after Takeshi’s wild pitches.

  
“Can you, for once, just not?” I ask, already knowing the answer.

  
He smirks at me, the jerk that he is, and just readies another attack.

  
“Your herbivorous brother has been causing a ruckus on school property. If it keeps up I’ll have to bite him to death.”

  
“Just try it.”

  
He charges, and to avoid getting smacked in the head I pivot hard, scraping the palm of my hand on the pavement. The tonfa impacts the ground and I swear to god the cement cracks.

  
Christ, what is he made of?

  
Cloud flames, I know, but there has to be something else too because this is just not natural.

  
I kick at the same time that he lashes out with the other arm and by some miracle, I catch the strike with the bottom of my shoe without breaking my entire foot.

  
“Tell me Sawada Inari, what kind of trouble have you brought to my school?"

I think of Reborn and I smile.

“The best kind.”

“Oh?”

He slams down hard with the base of the weapon and the bones in my arm creek and aches under the sheer force of the hit. I was going to be feeling that for a while. The blow also sends me to the ground in an awkward position and it doesn’t take long for me to realize that I am at a very serious disadvantage for the next blow.

It sucks because usually I would be dodging circles around him, but I was still hurting from my run-in with the incompetent criminals from last week. I brace myself for the next blow.

But it doesn’t come.

Hibari is just standing there regarding me with sharp aloof eyes. As if he’s waiting for something.

“You better give me a better fight next time.” He says, “And remember to tell your brother to behave.”

And then he just walks away. Like we had just been having a perfectly normal and friendly chat and I wasn’t hyped up on adrenaline. God, I can’t stand that guy. It's been a year you think he would have gotten bored of this by now.

I pick myself up off the ground and put a little bit of effort into brushing the dirt off my uniform. I must at least look presentable when I get home or mom is seriously going to start thinking that I’m the sort of hooligan that goes around picking fights.

Which is true but she doesn't need to know that.

At least Reborn hadn’t been around to witness that random bit of chaos. I think it might have interrupted our established order of operations if he had been. Which wouldn’t be terrible but I’m not quite ready to give up my oracle like precognitive powers just yet.

  
When I (finally) get home, mom informs me with tears of pride in her eyes that Tsuna had brought a friend over.

While I get where she’s coming from, and am proud of Tsuna for finally making a friend (?) on his own, I am not keen to share my space with a dick who has, less than three hours ago, ditched our shared detention to try and kill him.

“That’s…nice?” I tell her.

She, with her super mom powers, picks up on my hesitation and gives me a gentle smile.

“Inari-chan don’t worry you're still going to be Tsu-kun’s favorite.”

I nod in simple acquiescence and let her give me a quick tight hug. It would take to long to explain all the details of why it was that I was hesitant about Gokudera Hayato and hers is the most normal and probable explanation.

“Are they upstairs?”

“Yes, Tsu-kun said they were going to work on homework together.”

Awesome, more people in my room.

“Kay, I’m going to go up now.”

“Inari-chan, if you need to have a nap you can use my room.”

I give her an appreciative thumbs-up before ascending the stairs.

  
And upon entering our bedroom I find Tsuna, fast asleep face down in his bed and Gokudera being a complete and total creeper watching him as he sleeps. I had no idea that his transformation into creepy fanboy had been so rapid and complete.

“What are you doing?” I ask.

Only to be reward by Gokudera jumping a full three feet in the air and shoving a stick of (unlit) dynamite in my face.

I reflexively smack it away, “Don’t wave that shit around my brother, please.”

I toss my bag by the foot of my bed and take a seat at our little coffee leaning heavily on my elbow and level a deliberately judgemental stare at him. It’s fascinating as the look on his face transitions from hostile to irritated to uncomfortable to completely repentant.

I am somewhat surprised when he slams his face against the floor in front of me and begins to beg for forgiveness from ‘tenth’s honorable brother.’

Normally I would let him go on but the swift movement seems to have aggravated his broken nose and it's now oozing in an unsettling and extremely painful-looking way.

“Dude, please, stop.”

I can’t really hold back my wince when I look at his face. Tsuna really did a number on his nose. It looks like it needs to be set.

“Come here.” I ask/order as I fish around under my bed for the first aid kit.

Having a brother as accident-prone as Tsuna, and not to miss how active and prone to fisticuffs I am, this first aid kit gets used often. Luckily, this is also not the first time I have had to set a broken nose.

He shuffles over to me warily and sits stiffly on his knees. I reach out and gently prod the area around his nose giving it a good look. It was swollen he was starting to develop the raccoon eye bruising. Gokudera winces as I gently tap on the bridge trying to find the possible break.

“I don’t think it's broken but sit still for a sec, I can probably make this a little more bearable at least.”

I chatter away mindlessly at Tsuna’s new minion as I gently apply pressure to get the bleeding to stop. Tsuna himself is dead to the world with his face pressed into the mattress and is snoring loud enough to give a chainsaw a run for its money. I don’t know where Reborn has gone to. Probably off to plot some more nefarious training exercises, or to, you know, assassinate someone.

Either way, fun times.

“Shut your eyes and cover them with this.” I order Gokudera and hand him a towel.

I really don’t want to accidentally blind him with the cooling spray. By the time I’ve finished dressing his nose in gauze, tape and that weird little metal brace thing Gokudera had become very quiet and passive.

He’s kind of just letting me manhandle his face.

When I’m done, I catch his eyes and he’s giving me this wide-eyed wobbly look.

“What?”

He looks away and back toward Tsuna who still blissfully asleep mumbling is about ‘Kyoko-chan’ and trying to eat his pillow.

My bro is such an adorable dope.

“Tenth is right about you,” he finally says.

“He usually is.” I agree without knowing what he’s talking about.

“It’s one of the bonuses’ of being twins. But in this case, I may need you to elaborate because I have no clue what you’re on about.”

“You're too nice.”

“That is a lie. Tsuna is a lying liar who lies don’t listen to anything he says ever.”

I am not nice. Tsuna obviously sustained some head trauma today and is suddenly confusing me with himself. If anything, I am the mouthy asshole with impulse control issues.

“Less than three hours ago I was trying to assassinate Tenth. Even if he did forgive me, I’m indebted to him now, his subordinate. All of Reborn’s info about you said that you are the vindictive sort.”

“I am dude, I really, really am.” I tell him.

“Which is why you instead of kicking my ass like I deserve you fix me up? I came at Tenth and you have every right to throw me out of here like a dog, I know I haven’t proven myself yet.”

He’s speaking so emphatically, and the thing is - he’s right. By all means, I should have chucked him out the window and told mom that he had to run. I doubt Tsuna would have even minded considering Gokudera was just the sort of intense personality that scared the shit out of him. And if I didn’t know what I know then I probably would have.

But I do know.

He’s all alone, isn’t he? I don’t even know if he has any food in whatever crappy apartment, he’s renting. Does he even have an apartment? Is he fucking homeless? I am quite suddenly very concerned about all of this. Who is taking care of this literal disaster child?

And putting all of that out of my mind for the moment. I knew the sort of person Gokudera Hayato was. It has been written out in ink.

He was the most loyal friend that Tsuna would ever have.

And I really didn’t want to fuck that up.

I don’t know what expression I was making, but whatever it was it had Gokudera snorting derisively.

“Too fucking nice.”

“Oh, go fuck yourself asshole,” I tell him and try to fight down the flush on my face. I resist the urge to smack him because I’m pretty sure that one extra hit will legit break his nose.

“Anyway, according to weird mafia law shit your Tsuna’s familgia now or something. And by transient properties of familial relationships, I guess that means we're weird mob brothers now?”

If I was expecting anything it was most definitely not for him to break down into comical tears wailing about ‘Tenth’s honorable brother.’

Tsuna is startled into awareness and somehow manages to launch himself out of bed and land flat on his ass. He gives me the most incredulous and sleepy look as I pat Gokudera consolingly on the back.

Well, if nothing else this should be interesting.


	3. Tiny Little Doll Hands

I am awoken in the middle of the night by an increasingly familiar clicking sound of the safety being taken off a gun and a small doll-like hand covering my mouth.

I almost scream.

Coming out of what had been a rapidly deteriorating nightmare vision I briefly fear that I am about to have my organs ripped out by a haunted ventriloquist dummy. Only to realize that, no, it's just Reborn being a creeper.

I don’t know why I find this more comforting.

Before I can ask what he wants he makes the universal signals for ‘shut up’ and ‘follow me.’ Not having anything better to do at two in the morning I go along with it. Tiptoeing out of the room taking care not to step on Gokudera who is fast asleep on our spare futon.

I meet Reborn in the kitchen. There is a dim light from the stove that was illuminating everything in a gentle off-yellow glow. Two steaming cups of tea are waiting for us at the table. He takes a seat and motions for me to do the same.

So I do. Pulling my feet up under me to keep them warm and grasping the novelty mug in my hands.

Reborn is giving me this… look. Like he expects me to be nervous or intimidated or something. And because I am a contrary little shit I relax even more slapping a peppy little smile on my face as I flutter my eyelashes at him expectantly.

Reborn sighs.

I don’t know how Tsuna believes this guy is literally a baby when all of his mannerisms are old man mannerisms. How old is Reborn anyway? Had that ever been established?

“You have adapted amazingly well to all of this, Inari,” he says. 

“You mean the ‘mafia stuff?’”

“Yes the ‘mafia stuff.’”

“And?” I ask somewhat defensively, “What?”

“And nothing,” he waves off and takes and sip of his tea. “It’s a simple observation. A month ago you and your brother were completely normal middle schoolers. And while Dame-Tsuna seems to reject every aspect of the mafia coming into his life you welcome everything with open arms. I find that fascinating.”

It takes me a moment to realize that he is complimenting me. And of course, after I do realize it I am just beaming.

“The fact that your actively working to enforce your brother's power base by playing nice with his would-be assassin is also intriguing.” Reborn continues.

I blink. Was I not supposed to fix Gokudera’s face? That seemed kind of mean the poor guy is essentially an abused puppy dog with attachment issues. Prolonging his misery just seems cruel.

Some of the confusion and incredulity must have shown on my face. Reborn chuckles. “Calm down ragazzo, you didn’t do anything wrong. I just figured that I should explain some things to you before things go any further.”

“I thought I was a million years too early for storytime?” I reply like the cheeky asshole I am.

This earns me a quick smack upside the head. Which doesn’t hurt much but carries much more weight behind it than you would expect from someone with the proportions of a toddler.

“You are, but that’s beside the point right now.”

I am so excited right now. I don’t think Tsuna ever engaged in serious discourse with Reborn in the original timeline. This is all new and exciting and I love it. It's like accidentally stumbling across a hidden level in an RPG that’s full of secret bits of lore.

“I can't tell you why Tsunayoshi was selected to inherit Vongola, nor does it really matter at this point. I was hired by the Ninth to turn him into a respectable boss and so that’s what he will be.”

“Is that your hitman guarantee?”

“Something like that.”

“And? So? This isn’t exactly new info dude.”

Reborn visibly cringes at being referred to as ‘dude.’ I make a mental note to do it more often.

“Remind me to work on your vocabulary and diction later. There is room for improvement there,” he mutters into his, now mostly empty, cup of tea.

“Righto.”

Choosing to ignore my very deliberate provoking he continues on.

“I was not given any specific direction regarding what to do with you. Your idiot father has some misguided delusions of allowing you the opportunity to live a normal life but –“

“OH, HELL NO!” I shout, cutting him off.

And then I remember that we are trying to be quiet and hollering at the top of my lungs at two in the morning was a surefire way to wake up the whole damn neighborhood. I can’t help it though. I refuse to be relegated to a useless background character because Iemitsu was trying to have a conscience.

I communicate this by fixing Reborn with the most intense glare I can muster.

“I told him as much. You are much too useful and too attached to Tsunayoshi for that to work out beneficially for anyone. Which brings me to my earlier point – Gokudera.”

“Tsuna messed up his face when you got him all fucked up on that dying will crap. What was I supposed to do? Let him bleed all over my floor? Kick him out so he could spend the night cold and alone on the street?”

“You misunderstand me Inari-kun, this isn’t a criticism.”

Okay, so I’m more confused now.

“You innately understand something that I feel is going to take Dame-Tsuna a long time to grasp.”

“What’s that?”

“The importance of building a strong foundation.”

There is something about the way Reborn says this that sends a chill down my spine. There is obviously more here that he isn’t saying, something important that I am just too damn tired to grasp right now.

“It’s not an innate talent that he possesses and quite honestly its mostly because he is a lazy brat.”

“A harsh but fair criticism.”

“I’ll work on it with him, but in the meantime, that’s what he has you for. You are his first and last defense Inari-kun and because of your relationship to him you are in a unique position to strengthen the familgia that he creates.”

“Awesome, I have no idea what you’re talking about, but I am one hundred percent on board.”

Reborn moves to smack me again but this time I see it coming and duck out of the way, scuttling under the table like a demented crab. When I peek out again, he’s staring me down with a cocked eyebrow.

“Go back to bed brat, you’ll need your energy tomorrow.”

* * *

* * *

My alarm goes off at five-thirty. Ride of the Valkyries blasts out of the speakers in all its epic glory. And while Tsuna could sleep through fucking anything and Reborn had already acclimatized himself to my bizarre morning rituals, Gokudera was uninitiated and had sprung to his feet ready for a fight as trumpets were blasting in the room.

I had long since decided that if I was going to wake up at the ass crack of dawn, I was going to do it with style. 

It was funny to watch him looking around the room with this look of confusion. I don’t think he even remembers that he spent the night on our floor. He looks over at Tsuna, who has huddled into a cocoon of blankets to block out the sound and gulps.

“Don’t bother with him right now,” I tell him, “Tsuna can sleep through just about anything.”

“Oh.” Poor guy is still so bleary-eyed.

“Go back to sleep man, the school doesn’t start for another three hours. I’ve got morning practice.”

“Practice?”

“Baseball,” I answer simply. “Make sure he gets up in time for school…and that he gets there without running into any trouble. Hibari has been on the warpath lately and it would suck if they were to have a random encounter.”

Gokudera looks so thrilled to have been given responsibility for Tsuna’s health and well-being. He is such a good little guard dog.

I probably shouldn’t have mentioned Hibari though. I can already hear the wheels in Reborn’s head start to turn. He doesn’t fake sleep as well as he may think (and I have something of an unfair advantage when it comes to reading him.)

“I’ll guard the Tenth with my life, honorable brother!”

Wow, I am feeling the dedication here.

“Just call me Inari dude,” I tell him with a wave.

I don’t stick around to watch his brain implode.  


Mom is already in the kitchen when I get there. I greet her with a kiss on the cheek and she giggles happily.

“Morning mom.”

“Good morning Inari-chan. I hope you boys got a good sleep last night.”

“We did, Tsuna and Gokudera conked out early,” I tell her. “By the way, thanks for letting Gokudera spend the night, hopefully, we’ll be able to work out the whole student housing situation today.”

She pats my hair gently. “Inari-chan is such a good boy.”

Pretty much exclusively for you mom. I don’t say it out loud and I know that she knows that I am a little shit the other ninety percent of the time. But life is tough enough for her without me making things harder.

“I packed you an omelet to go with your lunch.”

“Yummy, thanks mom. I’ll see you after school.”

And I'm off to meet Takeshi. I kind of feel bad because I haven’t really hung out with him much in the past couple of weeks. In my defense, things with Tsuna and Reborn have kind of taken precedence, but that’s not really any reason for me to ignore my friend.  


Takeshi isn’t in our usual meeting place which is odd but not entirely unexpected considering I’ve bailed on him for the last week or so. God, I’m such a shit friend lately. Not that I’ve had much of an opportunity considering literal criminal activity happening in my home and getting a universe worth of information downloaded directly into my brain.

I might still be struggling with that.

I loiter around our spot for a good ten minutes, just in case he’s just running late. But when he doesn’t show up, I book it the rest of the way to school. I’ll have time to talk with him later.

Takeshi is already on the field warming up with some of our upperclassmen when I get there. I wave, and he waves back, and everything seems fine. It's not like I expect for Takeshi to hold a grudge, he’s never been the type. But even so, I can’t shake the feeling that something is off with him.

I don’t really have time to worry about it, because as soon as I have my uniform on Yamada-sempai has taken me hostage. Only not really. Seriously I have been taken hostage at least three times this week thanks to Reborn and I’m never going to be able to make a joke about it again.

“Alright Sawada, you missed practice last night so drop and give me a hundred.” He says it with such a smug look of glee on his face that I can’t stop myself from shooting him a withering glare.

It’s not like I have much of a choice but to comply. So, with a heavy sigh, I drop to the ground and began the one hundred pushups. After all, I am the idiot that got detention because he has shitty impulse control.

One hundred push-ups and what feels like a literal bucket of sweat later finds the two of us running the circuit. Somewhere around lap five Yamada-sempai interrupts our comfortable silence.

“Hey, Sawada.”

“What?” I pant.

“No offense or anything, and please don’t kick me in the balls for asking, but what the hell is up with your brother lately?”

The immediate defensiveness that fills the entirety of my being is born of fourteen years of people asking me what the hell is wrong with my brother. Let me make this clear, there is nothing wrong with Tsunayoshi other than the weird-ass magical seal that an old Italian man put on him when we were like three or something. And that is totally not his fault.

With difficultly, I suck in a breath to calm down because I know that Yamada doesn’t mean anything by it. He’s the third year. He doesn’t really have anything to do with Tsuna, and the one time that he had dared refer to him as Dame- Tsuna I had kicked him so hard in the shin that the foul word had never passed through his lips again.

“How do you mean?” I finally bring myself to ask.

He laughs.

“Dude, you look like you want to kill me. Relax, I just meant that he went all beast mode and kicked the crap out of Mochida the other day.”

Oh yeah, that was something that happened. Three days seems like a lifetime ago now.

“It was a crime of passion,” I inform him in a complete deadpan.

“…Passion?”

“Yes, his lady love, the beautiful and illustrious Kyoko-san’s, honor was besmirched by the dastardly villain Mochida and Tsuna’s righteous fury ignited in his soul and he came to her defense.”

This sounds way better then: Tsuna and Mochida got into a pissing contest over a girl who had no interest in dating either of them. And, actually, she objected to the entire premise of being claimed as a prize.

Yes, it sounded way better than that.

Hana had been so fucking pissed about the whole thing. To be honest I had been too. It really wasn’t cool for them to put her on the spot like that. Not that Tsuna had much conscious choice in the matter when he was all hopped up on whatever illicit drugs are in the dying will bullets.

“Your wild Sawada.”

“I try.” And then I break out into a full-on sprint to burn off the sudden well of energy that has sprung forth as I was forced to remember all the stupid and crazy that keeps cropping up.

Practice continues for the next hour and a half without incident. We do some batting practice and I finally get a chance to show off my new and improved rolling dive catches.

I actually manage to nab one of Takeshi’s powerful line drives and I am thrilled. Usually, it would blast right through my hands from the sheer force of the hit. But I actually managed to catch it!

I beam at Takeshi and fully expect him to celebrate with me. The way we always do when one of us manages to level up. Instead, he just looks pissed off.

I don’t like the look on his face.

I don’t like being the cause of it.

Near the end of practice, he throws such a wild pitch that he manages to break one of the windows in the clubhouse. Everyone applauds, and Takeshi does his best to laugh it off. I have known him long enough to know when he is putting on a show though.

The coach pulls him aside for a chat while the rest of us hit the showers. I hope sensei can figure out what’s up with him because I really don’t get it.

And I’m desperately trying to remember what had happened in the manga. But I’m drawing a blank. There had definitely been something, something that had resulted in him becoming friends with Tsuna and his guardian. For the life of me, I can’t remember what it was through.

Maybe I’m not supposed to know. I don’t know if there are any rules to this whole ‘memories from another world thing.’ Maybe I’m just not supposed to know.

This is so irritating.

Me and Takeshi have been friends for years. If there is something the matter, I should be the one to fix it, not Tsuna. But if there was something seriously wrong, he would tell me, right?

Right?

* * *

* * *

There is a new hole in our clubhouse wall that tells me all I need to know about the functionality of the hairdryers and the distant dream of an actual hot shower.

At this point, I'm pretty sure Hibari does it just to antagonize me.

You pick a fight with a violent sociopath over facilities maintenance one time and he never lets you forget it.

Though to be fair, his method works.

I find the man himself loitering around the corner. His tonfa are hanging loosely from his grip and he eyes me with this smug self-satisfied look on his face. Like the cat that cornered the mouse.

Only in this case, I think we can be likened more to Tom and Jerry with our cartoonish violence and silent pact of mutually assured destruction.

“That was just fixed,” I inform him as I drip on to the dusty earth.

“Hn.”

“I thought you were morally opposed to the destruction of school property. What do you have against the poor clubhouse.”

Hibari straightens and begins to twirl the tonfa. Getting ready for a showdown.

“It seems to be one of the only ways to get you to show your fangs.”

“You could just ask?”

“You talk too much.”

And he lunges.

Screw it, I have to blow off some steam anyway.

I take the full weight of the blow with my forearm and retaliate by slamming my foot into his midsection. It hurts like a motherfucker but I get the satisfaction of watching him slam into the wall.

It actually takes Hibari a moment to catch his breath. Which is great because my entire arm went numb from the force of that one hit.

Hibari cocks his head to the side, a terrifying smile spreads across his face. I take a second to shake the feeling back into my arm.

“Wao”

He adjusts his stance and I charge him. My elbow drives into his solar plexus and I take advantage of the low ground to hurl him over my shoulder.

Of course, he lands on his feet, it's Hibari. The preternatural grace that he possesses is ridiculous and impressive. There isn't even half a second before the tonfa are buried in the wall on either side of my head.

Jesus Christ.

I drop, pivot, and roll out of the way before he can do to my face what he did to the wall. I'm not quite fast enough though, a tonfa catches me in the shoulder and I end up with my face in the ground with a mouth full of dirt.

This continues on for another ten minutes.

I hadn't realized how badly I had wanted to hit something until this moment. I didn't even care that I was getting pummelled back it was just nice to have a chance work off some of the stressing on that I had been repressing since Reborn had come and inserted himself in our home.

Since I had realized that I shouldn't exist.

Not thinking about it.

My fist collides with his face with a deeply satisfying crunch.

A tonfa jams into my gut.

The first bell rings.

Damn it.

* * *

* * *

An incredibly fast and incredibly freezing cold shower finds me ducking into class with five minutes to spare.

Amazingly, Tsuna is already in his seat.  


“Holy shit, you got him here on time,” I praise Gokudera. Wonder beyond wonders Tsuna is in his seat before the bell rings. I think this is a first in the history of Namimori middle school.

Tsuna flushes in mortification. Having me put his chronic tardiness put on display is apparently embarrassing. It’s a good thing he never heard any of the excused that I came up with to cover for him.

“Good morning Tsuna-kun,” Says Kyoko-san.

Me and Tsuna both stare at her agog. I don’t think she has ever instigated a conversation with Tsuna before. This is new and exciting.

Hana moseys up behind Kyoko and sits herself down on top of my desk. Gokudera, true to form, is immediately on the defensive. His hackles are all up like an angry kitten.

And then he catches Tsuna’s dreamy, “Kyoko-chan~” and then he is just uncomfortable.

I decide to leave Tsuna and Kyoko to their own adorable devices. If nothing else this should put Tsuna in a good mood for the rest of the day.

“Any trouble this morning?” I ask Gokudera.

“None whatsoever. Though you were right about those Defence Committee assholes.”

“Did they try to start something?”

“Nothing I couldn’t handle.” He assures me.

But he also avoids making eye contact which is suspicious.

Hana snorts.

“Second day and your already on the DC’s bad side huh new guy?”

I can tell by the tone of her voice that she is deliberately trying to goad him. Which is pretty much par for the course in terms of Hana’s personality.

“Your hair is wet again.” She states blankly as she messes up the already messy birds’ nest that I call hair. 

Which apparently is the trigger that gets Gokudera to lose his shit.

“How dare you touch Tenth’s honorable brother in such a casual way woman!” He shrieks and jabs a finger into Hana’s face.

She blinks and then she smiles the most terrifying smile and goes back to absently petting my wet hair.

“Tenth?” She asks me for clarification not even paying any mind to the still fuming Gokudera.

“It’s a long, and quite honestly, a stupid story,” I reassure her. “Chill Gokudera, Hana is cool.” And proceed to zone out from the wonderful head pets.

She hums apparently content not to hear the ever-expanding odyssey of me and Tsuna’s adventures in the mafia.

“I thought the hairdryers had been fixed?”

“They were. For one blissful day, we had functioning hairdryers. And then Hibari slammed some fools face through the drywall and now we don’t have hairdryers anymore.”

“Oh god damn it.” She huffs. “Hey, Tsuna.”

Tsuna snaps to attention like someone shoved steel rebar into his spine.  
“Yes, ma’am?” He says because Hana is the kind of badass bitch that deserves respect.

“Next time you decide to go all Incredible Hulk on someone do you mind aiming the rage at Hibari? You’d be doing the school a huge service.”

Tsuna pales dramatically, and for a moment I’m worried that he’s going to faint.

“No way,” he says weakly, “Hibari-san is terrifying.”

He doesn’t even know the half of it.

“Hana, please for me, don’t try and send my brother off on a suicide mission.” I beseech her.

Gokudera, completely missing Tsuna’s mood, immediately jumps into reassuring him that of course, he would be able to ‘kick that fucking dickhead's ass no problem.”

I tune them all out because at that moment Takeshi walks in. With the fakest smile, I have ever seen plastered across his face. There is a cold pit quickly forming in my stomach. I quickly excuse myself from the group and walk up to him.

“Hey Takeshi, you didn’t wait for me this morning, jerk,” I tell him with all the levity that I can muster.

He looks brittle in a way that I have never seen before, and I am immediately on high alert. There are sirens blaring in my head ‘ **WARNING, WARNING, WARNING**.’ But I have no clue what the hell it's about.

“Sorry bout that Inari. You’ve been so busy lately, I didn’t think you would even notice.”

He is laughing, and it is the most unsettling thing that I have heard come out of his mouth.

“Come on dude, you know I didn’t mean anything by it. Things have just been crazy lately. I totally wanted to catch up today.”

He’s about to say something. Unfortunately, at that exact moment Nezu, fucking asshole that he is, burst into the room demanding that we all take our seats. Takeshi takes this moment to escape within a heard of his adoring fangirls.

I try to put it out of my mind. The day progresses and Takeshi continues to avoid talking to me and I try not to let it bother me.

It bothers me.

It fucking bothers me.

I fucked up and I need to fix it. But he’s being an asshole and not letting me fix it and it's driving me crazy. Every time I try to catch him alone, he runs off to talk to someone else. It is really getting on my nerves.

Eventually, irritation wins out over-concern. If he doesn’t want to talk, fine. Screw it. I’ll try again tomorrow or something. I’m especially irritated because I missed watching Tsuna break the earth to uncover Nezu’s hidden shame. However, I did have a front-row seat to the principal firing his ass. So that was something at least.

When the final bell rings Takeshi rushes out before I have a chance to grab him. I sigh and let it go. It would all work out in the end anyway. Destiny had confirmed that.

I slide into step with Tsuna and Gokudera as they leave the campus.

Tsuna looks shell-shocked and elated at the defeat of his mortal nemesis. If a crappy math teacher could be considered a mortal nemesis.

“Yo, Gokudera have you heard back from the student housing service yet?” I ask.

His prolonged ‘uhhh’ tells me all I need to know.

“Cool, so I guess you're spending the weekend at our place. It’ll be awesome.”

Chances are Reborn will have something extra special planned for us.

“We can play monopoly.”

“Absolutely not!!” Tsuna snaps back to awareness when faced with the threat of monopoly.

“Aww, why not? It’s my favorite game~” I faux whine.

“You know very well why.”

Gokudera is watching us go back and for the like a tennis match.

“Don’t be so quick to dismiss experiences Dame-Tsuna,” Reborn chimes in from whatever ethereal portal that he transports himself through.

“You only say that because you have never played monopoly with this monster.” He says, a little wild-eyed.

“Wow, Tsuna tell me what you really think of me,” I tease.

He glares.

Its awesome.

“Fine,” he finally caves, “we’ll play monopoly.”  



	4. Several Dumb Ideas Later

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chaos is soon to follow.

To say that I have a competitive steak would be something of an understatement.

“I told you so,” Tsuna says miserably as Gokudera joins him in the dredges of bankruptcy. Gokudera hands over the last of his colorful money and several plastic houses to me with a somewhat mesmerized look on his face.

“Always go for the railroads,” I tell him with a smile.

What had started as a childhood fascination with trains had evolved into a game-winning strategy, at least in terms of monopoly.

Or, as it was in Reborn’s case, fill a literal block with hotels and wait for someone to fall into the trap. I am still amazed that we somehow convinced the world’s greatest hitman to play a dumb American board-game with us. But then again, he had a competitive streak too.

It was easy to goad him into playing with us once we started taking shots at his pride. We are probably going to suffer for it later but ends and means and all that. As much as Tsuna hates this game I can tell that doing this perfectly normal thing with his demon tutor is doing wonders for his ability to calm the fuck down around him.

“Your turn man,” I tell Reborn trying to sound as cocky as possible. “Prepare to hand over the cash.”

“I don’t think so, brat.”

I don’t know how he can make rolling generic plastic dice look cool but somehow, he does it. It was amazing.

What’s more amazing is that he manages to avoid landing on my railroad and the electric company. Curses.

I already know I’m going to lose. It is a forgone conclusion at this point. My only real goal was to beat Tsuna and Gokudera. I never had any hope of beating Reborn.

Maybe in ten years.

Which is something I am resolutely not thinking about right now.

I had tried to. Only to have my brain start to explode. That had been a whole bunch of pain that I was not eager to revisit under any circumstances. I could remember that time travel in this world is, in fact, a thing just as long as I didn’t try to remember anything about said time travel.

I think the universe is trying to prevent me from accidentally causing a paradox.

And that’s cool, but I wish it could find a better way of communicating that with me. You know other than making my brain feel like it's going to liquefy and drip all over the floor.

So yeah, no thinking about things that haven't happened yet. 

Anyway, back to the important part, a monopoly showdown with the worlds greatest hitman. Reborn was going to win, of course, he was going to win. I was coming up to the block stretch that he owned. 

“Well, bambino, it's your move.” He says all smooth like. 

I grin. And roll the dice. 

And then I proceed to shell out all my hard-earned winnings to him when I landed on Broadway. 

“Oh thank god!” Tsuna exclaimed in absolute exhaustion. 

“I didn’t think that was ever going to end.”

“As expected, we were no match for Reborn-san,” Gokudera says with a look of admiration? Maybe? It's hard to tell with him, everything is always so over-dramatic with him. 

“Speak for yourself man, I almost won.”

A small hand smacks me lightly over the head, “Not a chance.” Reborn chides and hops up onto the desk where he can lord over us like the dark tyrant that he is. 

“You all should try to get a good night sleep in while you still have a chance. You're going to have a busy day tomorrow.” 

The look Tsuna gives him has the oomph of a kicked puppy. 

“B-b-but its the weekend,” He protests. 

One day Tsuna will realize that the good old days of lazy Sundays are well and truly behind him, but it is not this day. Chances are it wouldn't be tomorrow either. 

For lack of any better response, I stand up and hoist/toss Tsuna onto his bed before stepping over Gokudara who is suddenly looking at me with this wide-eyed expression. Like he wants to protest the boss being thrown around like a rag doll but cannot physically bring himself bitch at me. 

“You heard the man bro-bro, bedtime.” 

I mosey over to my side of the room and flop into bed. Pointedly ignoring the incredulous look Tsuna is shooting at me and the muttered ‘no matter how you look at it he’s a baby. He shouldn't get to boss us around.’

Reborn’s abyssal eyes bore into me for a moment and I very deliberately don't look over at him. He's not used to people calling him out on his adult-ness, I don't think. 

It must be part of the curse, the whole ‘perceived to be a hyper-intelligent and physically capable infant’ thing. There is no way that anyone would buy it if there wasn't some sort of supernatural element to it. Or maybe they would, I probably shouldn't underestimate how dumb people could be. 

But no, for as much as a dunce as Tsuna can be very perceptive about people I can’t see how he would just accept this as fact without even a question. 

Speaking of Tsuna, I only have a moment to brace myself when he lets out a demented howl-scream and launches himself across the room and body slams me. I magnanimously let it happen, bro needs at a win once in a while. 

And thus Reborn and Gokudera are treated to a classic, but rarely seen, Sawada Twin Rumble. Which pretty much boils down to headlocks and tickling. I dig my fingers under his arms and Tsuna dissolves into peals of laughter. Gasping for breath with tears gathering at the corners of his eyes. 

Ha, his greatest weakness!

I can hear Gokudera panicking in the background. He wants to help out the boss but doesn't want to attack the boss’ baby brother, it's actually really cute when I think about it. I slam a pillow into his face effectively snapping him out of his indecision. 

“Come on hot-head defend your ‘boss’” I taunt him. 

The grin on his face is diabolical, its awesome. Half a second later two pillows slam into my face knocking me off of Tsuna. My brother takes this reprieve to catch his breath and then swipe the pillow from my bed and smacking me in the face with it repeatedly. 

Ow. 

Well then… 

Bring it bro-bro. 

Yanking out the blanket from under him, and in an impressive (if I do say so myself) one-two combo I have him wrapped up like an adorable burrito. Which of course is when Gokudera decides to make his move and hurl himself onto the bed. 

Intent on defending the boss, but only succeeding in body-slamming Tsuna and getting himself caught up in my, increasingly amazing, blanket trap. 

I'm getting ready to grab some more pillows to continue with my assault when I stop to look at Tsuna and Gokudera. They have gotten so hopelessly tangled in my blanket that they are starting to look like a two-headed sentient blob. And I can’t help but notice how happy Tsuna looks. 

Like, ever since Reborn showed up he has been complaining and dragging his feet along this magical mafia ride. He goes along with Reborn’s crazy schemes with begrudging acceptance. But he did it. 

Until Reborn had shown up Tsuna hadn’t done anything. He didn’t talk to anyone other than me and mom. He didn’t participate in anything unless he absolutely had to and even then he had mostly given up before he had even tried. The manga had never really gone into Tsuna’s state of mind before Reborn had arrived, but now I had lived through it. 

My brother had been depressed. 

I was worried about him constantly because he had no matter what it was he had already given up. 

And right now he was laughing. He was joking around with Gokudera and having fun for the first time in years, and I couldn't have been more grateful if I tried. 

Truth be told, I’m still having trouble reconciling myself to the precognitive memories from another life. There were a lot of blank spaces in there still. Details of my past life that I could not, and really did not, want to remember. 

But this story still stands out pretty clearly in my mind. 

(Except for deliberately blanked out information that tended to leave me crippled with a migraine of epic proportions)

This hadn't happened in that story. In that story, Tsuna and Gokudera hadn’t gotten this close this fast. In fact, I don’t think they had ever really made it to the level of light-hearted joking around.

And considering it's only been two days I foresee good things in the future of this bond.

But I can't deny that things have changed. 

Of course, they have. This was real life, not a story. There isn't a script that we are all following. Free will exists. 

But it makes me nervous. Pretty soon things are going to get dangerous. Very dangerous. I'm counting on having the precognitive advantage for a little while, at least until the rest of the family is all up to snuff. 

Which is somewhat laughable since I'm pretty sure I'm the mundane in this situation. I've gotta get Reborn to shoot me with one of those magic bullets one day. Just to see if I can do jack shit in this world of magical mobsters. 

I watch as Tsuna and Gokudera both yelp as they roll off the bed and into an even more tangled heap on the ground. Tsuna is still laughing though and I can’t help but smile. 

“Inari~” He tries to whine but it is undercut by the happiness in his voice.

“Save us!”

I chance a look over to Reborn who has been watching over all of this random madness from his hammock perch. Technically this is his show. 

I raise an eyebrow at him in a ‘should I help out these morons?’

“Dame-Tsuna, you should be able to solve your problems.” 

“Hieeee!” 

“Don't worry Tenth!” Gokudera chimes in with his usual conviction. “We can get out of this.”

“I believe in you guys, but also hurry I wanna go to sleep and that is still my blanket.”

I step back over the writhing mass and flop back down on my bed to observe their daring escape. 

So Tsuna and Gokudera’s ‘social link’ has gained more levels faster then it would have without my interference. It was interesting but it probably wouldn't change too much in the long run. 

“You have sixty seconds or else you get a punishment,” Reborn says. 

Tsuna squeals in fright.

But he is still smiling. 

* * *

* * *

Reborn wakes us up at the fucking ass crack of dawn with buckets of ice water and a smug smile on his chubby-cheeked face.

“You all have five minutes to get ready and meet me out front.”

And then he just jumps out the second story window like the fucking badass he is.

Tsuna lets out a tiny enraged sound before tossing himself out of bed. Unfortunately, he just lands on Gokudera’s futon which in an identical sopping state. The boy in question has the look of an angry wet cat. 

“That fucking asshole.”

The way he says it is just so toneless that I can't help but burst out laughing. I peel the cold wet sheets off of myself and stumble into the bathroom with a bundle of clothes fished out of the closet. Ignoring Tsuna’s shout of “cheater!” Following me from behind once he realized my cunning plot.

“You snooze you, lose bro.”

They are plotting vengeance upon me I already know it. 

It doesn't actually take all that long for me to finish with the morning ablutions. I do have to remind myself to put on some deodorant though. There is no way that whatever Reborn has planned doesn't include excessive physical activity and I do not want to go around having random encounters smelling like the locker room. 

“Inari hurry up I have to use the bathroom.”

I duck out past the guys who, after taking a look at the time, decide to forgo shame and pile into the bathroom together. I guess it's true that hard times breed camaraderie. 

Mom is standing in the hallway giving us all a fond look. She already loves Gokudera. She will probably still love him once she catches him chain-smoking and swearing and will cheerfully shove nicotine patches at him. 

This is Tsuna's first friend. 

“G’ morning Mama.” I greet her with a good morning hug. 

“You boys are sure up early today. Do you have anything special planned?”

“Something, I guess. Reborn has ‘plans’ but he hasn't shared with the class yet. I think he wants it to be a surprise.” 

“Reborn-chan has been such a good influence on Tsu-kun.”

Mom smiles. 

“Whether he likes it or not.” 

Mom giggles. 

“Don't worry mom, we are going to drag Tsuna into functional adulthood kicking and screaming if we have to.”

And, you know, mafia Don-ship, but mom doesn't need to know that quite yet. 

Although I'm not quite sure that she doesn't know about it. I mean she has been married to a man of the mafia for almost eighteen years. 

“Do you boys have time for breakfast before you head out,” Mom asks.

“Don't think so, Reborn said on the double.”

“I'll make a big lunch for you then.” She promises and my stomach rumbles at the thought of Mom’s wonderful cooking. Too bad we have to skip breakfast. 

“Grazie Mama.”

“Inari-chan, Reborn-chan has been teaching you some new things too.”

“Of course, haven't you seen his hat? Reborn is super cool and suave why wouldn't I want to pick up some new skills?”

She laughs and ruffles my hair. “Inari-chan you're so cute!”

“You know it.”

I bid her goodbye and make my way outside to wait for the new wonder duo with the overlord. 

Seriously though with just a little bit of tweaking Gokudera and my brother were awesome friends. They had this who ‘we've just met but it feels like I've known you for years’ thing going on. 

Just so long as Gokudera didn't try to step to the second in command thing. That position was mine, knowledge from another universe be damned. 

“You're late.” Reborn intones from his perch atop the fence.

“I had to say bye to Mama,” I reply as unaffected as possible, “we can't just leave without telling her that would be rude.”

Reborn chuckles, “well at least one of you has manners.”

I choose to ignore the prod. 

“So why are we out here at…” I chance a look at my watch, “four-o-fucking-clock in the god-damn morning?”

“I take it back, watch your mouth kid.”

“I can't help it, everyone keeps telling me how nice and polite I am all the time. It's starting to make my skin itch. So what are we doing today?”

He fixes me with this considering look. Like he can't decide if it would be more fun to tell me straight out or leave me hanging here in suspense.

“What you said the other day got me interested.”

Uh, what?

“Dude, you're going to have to clarify I say a lot of shit daily it is like my key character trait ‘Sawada Inari -that kid who says a lot of bullshit.’”

He pets Leon in silence as my anxiety rockets up to a few extra levels. I hear the clatter of Tsuna falling down the stairs on his ass from inside the house and Gokudera’s cry of ‘Tenth!’ But choose to ignore them in favour of attempting to stare down the worlds greatest hitman into submission. 

“Please tell me, the suspense is killing me. What dumb thing got your attention? Are we going to go fix the water heater in the clubhouse? I know I was bitching about that a lot the other day.”

And then I realize what he is talking about.

“No.”

Reborn smirks, “You are a perceptive brat aren't you.”

“It is called logic and no. No. With a capital N.O.”

“You don't believe that your brother can hold his own against the defence committee?”

“I believe that Kyoya is a fucking psychopath and if you send Tsuna at him you may need to go find a new heir for your weird magic mafia.”

Reborn hums but doesn't say anything else which I take as ‘your objection has been noted, filed, and ignored.’

Tsuna and Gokudera appear looking harried, out of breath and Tsuna’s shirt was inside out. So not as bad as it could be but still not a super great start to a day when we are attempting a high-level quest. 

“Did you have to trap the stairs,” Tsuna demands glaring at Reborn.

“Bro I think that was probably just you.”

“No! It wasn't there were like wires and a weird mole thing with a cannon.”

Gokudera is nodding along with him emphatically. He is a little singed around the edges which lend some credibility to their outlandish story. 

Only… 

“I just walked down those stairs and it was fine. And Reborn has been right here since so I really don't know how that would work.” 

I mean other than the fact that this was Reborn I was talking about and he had ‘ways’ of doing whatever the fuck that he wanted. Actually, he probably did do it. He probably enlisted the aid of his nightmarish insect army (don't get me started on that I almost had a heart attack the day. I woke up to see him communing with his creepy-crawly minions.)

“How?”

I don't even give anyone a chance to catch up with my train of thought I just power straight through glaring at Reborn. He is actually trying to kill Tsuna today that asshole.

“You have to learn to be more observant Dame-Tsuna or you aren't going to last very long in the mafia.”

“I don't WANT to last long in the mafia.”

Tsuna, buddy, he means you'll be dead.

“I mean you'll be dead.”

Get the fuck out of my head Reborn.

“Now Get running boys.”

He says as he pulls out a machine gun out of nowhere.

* * *

* * *

Twenty minutes and a series of crazy evasion maneuvers later find the three of us gasping for air outside of Namimori middle school. Gokudera just collapses on his ass gasping for air. I have Tsuna slung over my shoulder in a fireman carry because an athlete my brother is not. 

He had tripped up about five minutes in and rather than going through the insanity of Reborn shooting him with the crazy magic bullet to unleash the beast I opt for the no-man left behind option and just carried his ass as he shrieked evasion directions in my ears. 

“Are you alright Tenth?” Gokudera asks still breathing heavily.

“Tsuna.”

“Huh?”

“We have escaped death by crazy toddler together, call me Tsuna please.”

Gokudera turns so red so fast that for a moment I am terrified that he is going to pass out. And the. He starts babbling about how he couldn't possibly call the Tenth by his first name and I can just feel Tsuna’s vague irritation.

“Just make it an order bro,” I whisper. “I mean it's weird but it's important to him.”

Tsuna sigh.

“Gokudera I order you to call me Tsuna.”

That is probably the coolest my brother has ever sounded. It's a shame that he is still hanging off of my shoulder with his ass in the air. It would be more impressive, but less Tsuna. 

As it was it was absolutely perfect.

“Alright, Ten- I mean Tsuna-san.”

Not perfect but at least it was progress. 

“Not bad brats,” Reborn says as he strolls along the school wall, not even the least bit out of breath or sweaty. Even though he has been chasing us the whole time while carrying an enormous machine gun and ammo. 

I fix him with the flattest look I can muster (with another human being slung over my shoulder). 

“That was in no way necessary.”

“Oh, but it was fun.”

“For you maybe,” Tsuna mutters darkly. 

Reborn jumps down from the wall and lands heavily on Tsuna’s back (and in turn my shoulder, ow). 

“You have no business complaining Dame-Tsuna. If it wasn't for your brother you would have been dead meat.” 

“Sorry for not being naturally athletic,” Tsuna grumbles back. 

Getting a sick of being a human coat rack I abruptly chuck them both down to the cement. Tsuna lands with a yelp in a sprawl. Reborn of course lands lightly on his feet like a ballerina. 

It wouldn't surprise me if he had a tutu stashed away somewhere. 

I’m pretty sure mom kept the ballet outfits me and Tsuna had. We could probably put on Swan Lake or something. It would suck and Tsuna would hate it, but I'm sure we could do it. 

“Inari!”

“What? I can’t lug your but around all day.” 

“A little warning would have been nice.”

“… I'm going to drop your ass.”

“Too late!”

Gokudera manages to roll himself over and crawl over to where I dropped Tsuna. He is winded. I need to make a point to talk to him about his smoking habits. If he really is intent on protecting Tsuna he needs to be in better shape. 

“You're not injured are you Tsuna-san.”

“Only my pride.” Tsuna relents.

“Oh suck it up bro.” I snap. 

I'm getting edgier the longer that we stand in front of the gates. I don't think Tsuna has realized where we are yet, and even if he did it would probably take some impressive mental gymnastics to understand the greater meaning of why Reborn had herded us here. 

I can make out members of the Disciplinary Committee through the blinds. Whatever Hibari has on the school board must be pretty damn juicy for him to be able to house his gang on privet property in broad daylight. 

A nagging feeling draws my gaze up to the roof. Even at this distance, I can feel my eyes lock with Hibari’s. 

Fuck.

There goes the element of surprise. 

“So what's the objective here overlord?” I ask Reborn without breaking eye contact with my “mortal nemesis.” 

A little bit dramatic but accurate. 

Tsuna and Gokudera perk up and realize where we are. 

“Why are we at school?” Asks Tsuna. 

“It's Sunday, this shit box is closed,” Gokudera says. 

Reborn smiles like a gremlin. 

“We’re breaking in of course.”

* * *

* * *

We are straight-up Metal Gearing this shit.

Me and Tsuna a creeping through the campus underneath a cardboard box while Gokudera flanks us throwing yen at the DC thugs that are patrolling. The current count is:

Team idiot - 3

Disciplinary committee - 0

“Why are we doing this?” Tsuna hisses at me.

He is currently teetering somewhere between anxiety and irritation. Which is a perfectly valid state of being considering what we are doing. Tsuna isn't like me, he doesn't frequently go toe to toe with THE Hibari Kyoya without more than a bruise to show for it. 

And just for the record, those bruises hurt!

“We are doing this because we Reborn said so. And because we are serving up some good old fashioned vigilante justice to these assholes.”

“So!? He's like one! He's not the boss of us! And it's not like this matters anyway we should just go home now before Hibari-sempai bites us all to death!”

I quickly slap a hand over Tsuna’s mouth to stop the rant. I don't feel like fighting Hibari or his cult of devoted goons today. It will give him unrealistic expectations for our continued animosity. But the stakes are much too high for us to surrender. 

“What’s that?” Asks the somewhat muffled voice of a Disciplinary Committee member. 

I peek through the hole in the box in time to see Gokudera shoot what looks like a blow dart into the guy's neck. He drops like a sack of potatoes. 

You know I never thought of it before but Gokudera must know a whole bunch about poisons and chemistry from Shamal and Bianchi. I'll have to grill him on it later, it seems like a good skill set to have in the back pocket. 

Also, science is cool. 

“Murph?” 

“Tsuna, Reborn is the boss of us. I'm pretty sure he is the boss of small kingdoms. He is most definitely the boss of us. And more to the point we are doing this shit because it is a matter of pride.”

Tsuna’s very mature response is to lick my hand. 

Yuck. 

“Let's just do this stupid thing.” Tsuna relents.

* * *

* * *

To be fair Reborn hadn't sent Tsuna on a mission to challenge Hibari. Thankfully. 

No, he just wants us to rob him. 

He wants us to rob Hibari Kyoya. Or to be more specific we are going to rob the Disciplinary Committee’s collection of confiscated contraband.

Because that is a fantastic idea. 

Yeah, this is going to end in tears. 

Anyway back to the point that I have been avoiding. Apparently yesterday while I was indulging in some violence with Hibari himself Gokudera and Tsuna had their close encounter with a member of the DC. 

One by the name of Iwazumi Mine who wasn't anyone of any particular note beyond the fact that he had been on my brother's case since elementary school. I never really understood why he went at Tsuna but regardless it had kept up right into middle school. Only now he has a red ribbon that gives him the authority to be a dick to people.

And take their stuff. 

Once upon a time a very, very long time ago in a sandbox, a little red-haired girl who spoke in broken heavily accented Japanese had given a little crying boy a present. 

It was a small plush monkey on a keychain and it was one of my brother's most prized possession. 

And also the origin story of his infatuation with Kyoko Sasagawa. 

Iwazumi had confiscated it because it ‘violated the student dress code.’

I honestly hadn't noticed it was missing until Reborn had announced the true purpose of our infiltration assignment. Tsuna hadn't wanted to make a fuss and he had all but begged Gokudera not to mention it to me. 

Poor Gokudera had ‘repented’ so hard that he had almost re-broken his nose. Going on about how he had failed Tsuna-sama until I slapped a hand over his mouth to stop the endless stream of apologies. 

Suffice to say I was much more geared up for this once I knew the real reason behind it. 

Don't worry little monkey thing we are going to rescue you. 

Me and Tsuna ditch the box and utilize a masterfully timed Gokudera distraction to bust through a vent on the side of the school and duck into it. I push Tsuna in ahead of me and make sure that the absurdly useful cardboard box is covering the missing grate before following in after him. 

Three minutes of crawling through a dusty later find the two of us falling from the ceiling in a vacant hallway. Don't ask me how we went from ground level to seven and a half feet up in a hallway ceiling, but we did. Obviously, our school was built on a rift in reality. 

Or a Hellmouth. 

“Good work you two.” Says Reborn as he appears from the shadows dressed like a miniature ninja. 

“Reborn? How did you get in here?!” 

Probably the front door. 

“The front door,” Reborn tells him with a smug look. 

Nailed it. 

“Where's our distraction?” I ask. 

“He’s giving the security a run for their money.”

He actually looks vaguely impressed by the whole thing. Gokudera's skill as ‘the distraction’ guy and Hibari’s pseudo-military operation. 

“This is so messed up," Tsuna groans pulling himself up off the linoleum. 

“No, it's not, its fun.” 

I swing an arm around his shoulder and give a comforting squeeze. Tsuna still isn't used the high octane action that Reborn inspires. We're going to have to go do something low key and normal later. 

“Common bro, let's go get Mr. Monkey back and get some lunch.”

“…Kay.”

“Now where’s our target?”

“Fourth-floor room 418 on the south-eastern side of the building,” Reborn answers informatively.

And successfully makes this feel even more Oceans 11 than it already had. 

“Let's roll bro-bro.”

The good part of breaking into Namimori middle school is that we are both very familiar with the school floor plan. Probably more so than the average student considering me and Tsuna are both some variation of delinquent and thus know all the best hidey-hole and escape routes. 

The point is we don't have to memorize any complicated floor plans to know that hard left and tripping through a door marked maintenance will take us to a hidden stairwell that goes straight to the fourth floor (and to a trapdoor to the roof). 

I can hear a series of explosions from outside and which hopefully means that Gokudera is still keeping our friends nice and distracted. Knowing Hibari explosions on school property has gotten his attention as well. 

Hopefully, Gokudera can last long enough for us to get in and out of the Disciplinary Committee’s ‘office’ without issue. 

Without him dying I mean. 

We get there without issue and lo and behold we are the only ones here. 

“K I’ve got the door you go find the treasure Tsuna.”

He flushes in embarrassment but charges in with Reborn perched on his shoulder. I take my point in the doorway keeping watch down the hallway. It also gives me a vantage point to scope out the field where a herd of dumbasses with pompadour hairdos are chasing down a very determined Gokudera. 

Remind me to buy him something nice. 

However, what I don't see is Hibari. 

And that is worrying. 

My train of thought is rudely interrupted you a series of crashes from inside the room and my brother's high pitched shriek of terror. 

“You're trespassing herbivore.”

Yeah, I was afraid of that. 

I spin on my heel intent on charging in to rescue Tsuna from Hibari’s wrath. A gunshot rings out, and with a burst of orange fire, Dying Will Tsuna emerges. 

“SAVE INARI WITH MY DYING WILL!!”

“Wha-” is all I have tome to get out before Tsuna is colliding with me at high velocity. 

WHY!?

WHY SAVE INARI?!

And the next thing I know the two of us are bursting THROUGH THE FOURTH STORY WINDOW AND PLUMMETING TO THE GROUND BELOW!!

I unashamedly cling to Tsuna trusting that he would somehow cushion our fall. If not we die together, as brothers should. 

We slam into the ground like a meteorite amidst screams of ‘what the fuck!.’ I manage to force myself to take a peek at where we landed and meet Gokudera's eyes. He is staring at us wide-eyed and blinking at us with a stick of dynamite fizzling in his grip. 

I slowly reach out a shaking hand dampen the flame before we all get exploded. 

“Hey, Tsuna we should probably save Gokudera too.”

This is all the encouragement that Tsuna needs. In an instant I have Gokudera smooshed up against me and we are both clinging for dear life as Tsuna utilizes the unnatural strength of his Dying Will to rocket us toward home. 

* * *

* * *

“Owwwww.” Tsuna moans as he lies starfishes on the back porch. 

Me and Gokudera sit on either side of him sharing a plate of watermelon slices that I have ingeniously balanced on Tsuna’s midsection. 

“Everything hurts.”

“Considering that you jumped through a fourth story be happy that everything just hurts and we're not dead or horribly crippled.”

He makes a noise of agreement. 

“Can I have a slice of watermelon too?”

“You have arms. Get it yourself.”

“I can't feel them though.”

I take pity on him a shove a watermelon slice into his mouth. 

“Don't choke.”

The three of us munch in silence for a little longer before mom comes out with a tray of coffee and pastries. Reborn trots alongside her with a small cup in his hand and a look of contentment. 

Mom makes the best coffee. 

There is one more thing that I make note of, a tiny little monkey plush hanging from Leon's mouth. 

Reborn is a decent sort underneath all of that sadism. 

“Inari-chan” mom says breaking my chain of thought. 

“Yeah?”

“Takeshi-kun stopped by while you boys were out playing. He wanted to talk to you about something.”

I'm on my feet in an instant and slipping past her and Reborn into the house. 

“I'll call him right now!”

I skid into the kitchen and grab the phone off the wall before I even have a chance to stop. I dial his home number first. I don't want to call the restaurant and bother his dad during the lunch rush. 

The phone rings and rings and rings. 

And goes straight to message. 

I slam down the receiver and start to dial again. 

No answer. 

That bad feeling is back again, as is the brain static. 

There is something wrong, something that I’m not allowed to remember, and an uncomfortable spike of anxiety is growing in my chest. 

I call the restaurant. 

“Take-sushi! How can I help you today.” Yamamoto-san recites into the receiver. 

“Hi Yamamoto-san, it's Inari, I was wondering if Takeshi was there?”

“Inari? I thought Takeshi was hanging out with you today?”

My anxiety grows to a whole new level.

“Uh, yeah, he came by earlier but I had to go run some errands with Tsuna so I missed him. Do you know where he might have gone? I tried calling the house but no one answered.”

Yamamoto-san sighs.

“That boy has no attention span.”

“Don't worry Yamamoto-san I’ll track him down.”

I hang up the phone without waiting for a response and run back down the hall grabbing my shoes as I go. 

I need to find Takeshi. I need to find him right now. 

“I'm going to hang out with Takeshi I’ll be home later k bye.”

The words tumble quickly out of my mouth as I bolt through the crowd on the porch. I use my momentum to vault over the concrete wall that divided our yard from the street and land in a run. 

He would be at the park. He had to be. 

If he had gone to the school I would have noticed him. And he wasn't the type to go to the arcade on his own. There was a chance that he had gone to hang out with someone else from the baseball team but… no, I'm not the only one that Takeshi has been avoiding lately. 

So the park. 

I turn my brain off and run. 

* * *

* * *

He wasn't at the park. 

He wasn't at his house. 

Or at Take-Sushi. 

Or at the arcade. 

I’ve spent hours running around town desperately searching for him and nothing. I ran into Iida and Nori from the team and they had seen him earlier doing some solo pitching practice at the park but nothing after that. 

Nori said that he hadn't answered when they called to him. 

Neither of them seemed particularly worried about it. It just worried me more. Takeshi wasn't the type to ignore people. He usually at least pretends to be social even when he wasn't feeling it. 

The fact that he hadn't meant that something was very, very wrong. 

And I had known it. I’ve known for the past few weeks that something was eating at him. But everything with Tsuna, and Reborn, and the reality-altering knowledge that had been unceremoniously shoved into my brain I’ve been preoccupied. 

I had just figured that one day Takeshi would just start hanging out with us and joining in with all the mafia shenanigans. 

But he hadn't. 

It's been weeks and he still hasn't gotten recruited. I know Gokudera had only shown up a couple of days ago but I expected some sort of interaction with Takeshi. 

Hadn't he and Tsuna talked about something?

Fuck, had we missed a flag? 

Did we bypass the recruitment phase?

…

God, I'm such a shitty friend. 

It's starting to get dark and I am way past exhausted now. I'll see Takeshi tomorrow at school and this time when I try to talk to him I'm not going to take no for an answer. 

It takes another half hour to drag myself back home. To add to the depressing ambience it starts to rain. By the time I get home I'm solved to the skin and dripping onto the hardwood floor. 

Mom takes one look at me and rushes back into the house to get towels and a fresh pair of pyjamas. I do my best to dry off quickly but all the action of today has finally caught up with me. 

A series of bangs followed by a shriek echo down from upstairs. It seems like Tsuna is still full of energy. 

I sigh and give mom a sleepy (and pathetic) look.

“I'm gonna sleep on the couch tonight.”

She pets my head affectionately and says, “I’ll go get some blankets for you.”

She leaves and I meander over to the couch and collapse face-first into the soft cushions. The sound of rain beating against the windowpane is starting to put me to sleep. 

Today has been way too eventful for me.


	5. When it Rains

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> MAYDAY! MAYDAY! MAYDAY!

Every once in a while a man has to evaluate his life choices and ask himself the profound philosophical question:  


“What the fuck are you doing?”  


It happens with more frequency than for most with me. It has something to do with the whole poor impulse control and inclinations toward violent confrontations. I spend most Wednesday’s and Friday’s picking fights with Hibari and had on more than one occasion taken a pitch to the head from Takeshi just to see if I could.  


The point is I end up asking myself “what the fuck are you doing?” a lot and honestly considering the current trends in my life I don’t foresee this changing anytime soon.  


What I’m doing right now though, I have achieved a whole new level of crazy.  


And for some context: I am currently clinging to the outside of Namimori Middle School. Stuck somewhere between the third and fourth floors.  


It is pouring rain.

  
I have a fever of 103.

  
Am I an idiot?

  
**Yes.**

  
Am I questioning my life choices right now?

  
**Most definitely yes.**  


  
Does any of this matter right now?

  
No, no it does not. Because somewhere, approximately three and a half feet above where I have wedged myself between a pipe and a windowpane Takeshi is teetering on the edge of the abyss monologue about how he has nothing left to live for since he keeps screwing up with baseball and doesn’t have any real friends.

  
Of all the fucking days to wake up late it had to be today, didn't it? It was my own damn fault. I had overexerted myself last night running around in the rain after spending hours running around on a Reborn mission. 

Of course, I had gotten myself sick. 

And Mom is the kind and loving soul had called the school to let them know that I wouldn't be coming in today. And she had let me sleep in and made sure that Tsuna and Gokudera didn't wake me up. 

And on any other day, it would have been appreciated. But on this day I remembered exactly how it was that Yamamoto Takeshi was recruited into the Famiglia of Vongola Decimo. 

**He was going to try to kill himself.**

Through the haze of illness and darkness, this information is blasted into my conscious mind startling me into awareness. 

In terms of rude awakenings, today had taken the cake. 

I had woken up so fast that I had fallen off the couch in a tangle of blankets. When I had tried to get up my head had spun so violently that I almost passed out again. 

Mom had left a bottle of cold medicine on the coffee table for me and I had eyed the small plastic measuring cup for a moment before forgoing it and downing half of the bottle. 

I had all but thrown myself out of the house into the ongoing rainstorm in a pair of pajama pants and an inside out t-shirt. 

And I ran. I ran faster than I had ever run before. 

It was going to happen today. Don't ask how I knew it but I knew it. I felt it in my gut. And maybe it as all scripted and preordained or whatever. But I didn't trust that. I could not leave Takeshi’s life up to what was written in a comic book in another universe. 

I made it to the school in record time only to have all my fears confirmed when I had to look up through the wind and rain to see a familiar silhouette standing on the ledge of the roof. 

At that moment I was completely paralyzed. That was Takeshi up there and one missed step was all it would take for him to come plummeting down to his untimely demise. 

The smart thing to do would have been to go inside the school and run up the stairs. But I was terrified that if I lost sight of him he would be gone. 

So I did things the dumb way. 

I would have done anything to have had Reborn or someone with more adequate life skills with me at that moment. Chances are if I had they would have been able to talk me out of my chosen course of action. There was no way that scaling a building in a rainstorm was the best course of action in this situation. 

Though knowing Reborn he might have suggested the same thing. I think our tiny tutor also has some impulse control problems. 

The haze of cold medication and the fever had helped plot out my ascent. Under normal circumstances, I would have looked at the exterior piping and thought ‘bad idea’, however, high Inari looked at the exterior piping and thought ‘yeah, I can probably do that.’

Clearly, intelligence is one of my core character traits. 

Which led me here. 

Hanging off the side of a building. Listening to my friend tell, what sounds like, a crowd of our classmates about how he feels isolated and listening to them say superfluous shallow bullshit about how he should be happy that he's good looking and popular. 

I really hope that Tsuna is up there. Because this needs to end immediately. 

Listening to this is heartbreaking and infuriating at the same time. 

Depression is a fucking monster. I get it, it takes all the joy out of the world and it makes everything seem pointless and hopeless.  


But that bit about not having any real friends.  


I take umbrage with that last bullet point about not having any real friends. Because I am here literally scaling a five-story building for you in the pouring rain ASSHOLE!! I mean I know I dropped the ball a little bit since Reborn turned up but I had still been there. If things were getting this bad he could have talked to me about it.

Right?

  
I barely manage to stop myself from screaming that at him. I’m pretty sure that if I did right now he would fall off the roof from the shock of having moron clinging to the outside of a school building screaming at him about poor life choices.  


If that isn’t an oxymoron I don’t quite know what would qualify.

I make a mental note to scream at him later. 

And hug him. 

And punch him in the stupid face. 

And cry. 

And then hug him more.

I'm having a lot of conflicting feelings right now and I'm not exactly great with the whole ‘emotions’ thing on a good day. It probably has something to do with all the cold medicine that I downed on my way here. 

“No matter what I do lately I just seem to fail. You know how it is right Tsuna? Everyone is always calling you a failure. It's an awful feeling, right? It would be better to just die.”

A mixture of relief and terror makes my heart stutter. Tsuna is there. Thank fucking god Tsuna is there. He should be able to talk some sense into Takeshi right?

Right?

The plot says yes. But my understanding of reality says -I have no fucking clue man. 

And also ‘don't rope my brother into your depressing melodrama Takeshi!’ He was only just now starting to get over that bullshit. 

“Are you stupid or something?” Tsuna asks. 

And I freeze and stare up at the roof with wide eyes. A hush has fallen over the observing audience. 

“What?” Takeshi asks quietly. 

“I asked if you're stupid.” Tsuna says. 

I can hear the mixture of annoyance and anxiety in his voice. 

“What the hell are you talking about not having anyone or anything going for you? Do you not see the literal crowd of people here? They’re all terrified for you! They all care about you! And what about your dad?! What about Inari!?” 

His voice gets louder and louder the longer that he goes on. I don't think I have ever heard Tsuna so impassioned about something before. 

“You don't think they would miss you? You don't think this won't break their hearts?! Because I can tell you right now that if you think Inari will be able to brush this off like it meant nothing, you have another thing coming!”

“And so what if the ‘baseball god’ or whatever isn't talking to you anymore. Maybe that just means its time to try something else! We’re teenagers, you have time to find your life's calling. And knowing you Yamamoto-kun it's going to be something awesome.”

“But it won't be anything if you give up now. All you will be is a smear on the ground who gave up. And you're better than that!”

Holy shit Tsuna. 

The rain is finally starting to stop and as I stare up at Takeshi’s silhouette I can see the blue sky peeking through. As if it was called forth by the power of my brother's conviction. 

“You’re a really cool guy Yamamoto-kun,” Tsuna says softly. “And I always wanted to be your friend too.”

“…Tsuna-”

What a beautifully touching moment. It's a shame it had to be interrupted by gravity. 

I watch as Takeshi makes an abortive motion toward where I assume Tsuna is standing. And then I watch him slip, stutter and fall. The world doesn't descend into dramatic slow motion. 

Takeshi falls. 

People scream. 

And acting on pure reflex and instinct I reach out and latch on to his wrist as he falls by. 

My arm feels like it was almost torn out of its socket. 

Fun fact: catching someone falling at terminal velocity is painful because physics is a thing that exists. 

I am hanging on to the window ledge for dear life. I might have screamed (I definitely screamed). Once I'm certain that I'm not going to lose my grip and send us both plummeting down to our untimely demise I look down to make sure that Takeshi is okay. 

He is STARING at me. 

The look he's giving me clearly echoes my earlier thoughts of “what the fuck are you doing.”

“Inari?” He speaks with quiet disbelief. 

“ Yup.”

“What are you doing here.” There is a very noticeable brittle edge of hysteria in his voice. 

“Oh you know just hanging out.”

He laughs. The hysteria wining over all further questions. 

“YAMAMOTO-KUN!” Tsuna screams appearing from over the ledge. 

“Hey, bro-bro,” I answer because Takeshi is busy with his stress laughter. 

“INARI!?”

Tsuna just about launches himself over the side wrapping his hands tightly around my wrist. 

His eyes are orange. 

There had been not gunshot. Not burst of flame. No declaration of dying will. 

It was just Tsuna all on his own. His eyes clear, and bright, and orange with the power of the sky flames harnessed under his own power. 

“Don't worry I've got you. I'm not going to let you fall.”

My bro is so fucking cool sometimes. 

Of course by the laws of dramatic irony, it was at this moment that the strength in my fingers gives out and Tsuna is left supporting the full weight of two teenaged boys with his scrawny little arms. 

I'm pretty sure all three of us would have gone plummeting to our collective dooms if it wasn't for Gokudera. 

Together he and Tsuna manage to pull us back up over the ledge. In the end, we are all sprawled out on the roof gasping and exhausted. I look over at Takeshi who laying next to me with his arm pressed over his eyes. 

I vaguely realize that he is crying. 

I don't have enough energy to get myself up again. The adrenaline rush that was powering me through this insanity has worn off and I can't actually feel any of my extremities anymore. I summon the energy to roll over so I'm sort of on top of him. 

This is literally as close to a hug that I am capable of right now. 

“I love you man,” I mumble into his shirt. “Please don't go splat on me.”

Somewhere in the background, Hana has started marshaling the onlooking audience down the stairs. Kyoko’s voice cuts in sweetly whenever someone tries to argue with Hana. 

“Sorry.”

I want to say something. 

But I am literally unable to remain conscious any longer.

* * *

* * *

One of the fun things about real life is that shit has consequences. Case and point you do something crazy like scale a building in a rainstorm with a fever you will absolutely land yourself in the hospital. 

Namimori general isn’t so bad as far as hospitals go. The staff is decent and the rooms are clean and spacious. They had also been chill enough to let me and Takeshi share a room. 

But Reborn impersonating world-renowned pediatrician might have had something to do with it. Either way, I’m grateful. I don't think I would have been able to rest otherwise. 

Takeshi had to go in for a psychological evaluation. I think Reborn must have understood my concerned mumbles because he insisted that he attend. After all child psychology was the great Rebo-sensei’s specialty. 

It probably wasn't necessary but I'm glad that he did it. I wouldn't want him to get a weird diagnosis or something because he didn't have someone there to explain shit to him properly. 

Mom and Yamamoto-san ran in at about the same time. And we're now talking to our nurse to get all the details about what happened, or at least as many details that she was able to give. I trust that Reborn and Tsuna will fill them in more later. 

And speaking of my brother…

“What were you thinking!?” He demands. 

He and Gokudera have set up camp on the empty bed by the window. It's been a while since ‘big brother’ Tsuna has come out to play, I'm glad to see that he's still got some bite to him. 

“I had to be able to catch Takeshi.”

“Yeah, And that's great and all but you were homesick. How the heck did you even know what was happening?”

Both he and Gokudera are staring at me expectantly. 

“I premonitionded it.” I slur. 

The antibiotic IV that they have me hooked up to right now is seriously impairing my speaking abilities. Not that they were super before, but I'm pretty sure I didn't sound like a drunk. 

“You ‘premonitioned’ it.” He sounds so very unimpressed with me. 

“I don't know man. I was sleeping and then it was like BAM and someone was screaming in my brain ‘You have to get to Takeshi right fucking now’ and so I did and there he was all up there and shit. So I did the thing and I'm not sorry for that because I caught him.”

I am rambling like a nutcase. 

Tsuna buries his face in his hands and groans loudly.

“How did you even get up there!?”

“I climbed.”

“Wha- Bu- HOW!?”

Poor bro-bro is really having a hard time with this. 

“I did it with my fucking dying will dude,” I tell him. 

And then I pass out.

* * *

* * *

I'm brought back into the world of the living when a weight dips the mattress next to me. I have to fight the exhaustion and the general feeling of blah to crack an eye open. Takeshi has a pretty distinctive profile even in the near darkness that we’re sitting in. 

“Hey.” I croak. 

My throat is killing me. That teaches me to go running around in the rain without a coat on. 

“Hey.”

The actual enormity of everything that went down is finally starting to catch up to me now that all the panic and insanity has worn off. I stare up at him giving my eyes a chance to adjust, and I think. 

I had literally scaled a four-story building. I had pulled myself up forty vertical feet in a rainstorm. 

Takeshi had almost thrown himself off the roof of that very same building. 

This was all a lot heavier than I had anticipated. 

This is the moment where I should say something meaningful and profound. Something to affirm our bond of friendship. Or just something to make him feel better. 

But I'm me. So instead I say:

“So what's the verdict? You crazy?”

He lets out a harsh snort of laughter. But it's not entirely cheerless; so that's something.

“Oh, completely.”

I can just barely make out his expression. He's smiling, a classic Takeshi smile, though with a touch more exhaustion than usual. 

“Shit man, that sucks.” I grin at him. “What are you gonna do.” 

He laughs, for real this time.

“I don't know, but apparently I'm in good company.”

“No kidding?”

“Yup.” He chirps. “See this guy I know had the crazy idea to climb the school building with his bare hands.”

“Shit, that is crazy.”

Takeshi hums in agreement. 

“Yeah, but he did it for his friend.”

My arms feel like they have been filled with led, but somehow I muster up the strength to reach out and give his arm a light squeeze. 

“You would’a done the same for me man.” 

He gives me a ‘look.’

“I would have stood at the bottom and waited to catch you.” He says dryly. 

“Aw dude, you wanna play catcher for me?” I say, imbuing my, very wrecked, voice with a comedic level of flirtation. Because I have just about had it with the seriousness. 

“I always thought you preferred to pitch.”

I waggle my eyebrows at him in a flirtatious way. It's always fun because Takeshi understands innuendo about as well as Tsuna understands physics. He takes everything literally and it gives me a decent chuckle. 

Instead, I find myself half pinned to the bed and Takeshi’s face wayyyy to close to my face. The high pitch sound that comes out of me is worthy of Tsuna. 

“For you, I would play any position.” He says in a low and ridiculously seductive tone. 

I immediately retaliate against this grave offense by aggressively jamming my fingers into his armpits. He launches himself away from me laughing. 

How dare he develop an understanding of pun-based innuendo. My world has been thrown off its axis. 

I shall never forgive this…

Okay, I'm over it. 

“Fuck you man, don't pull that shit will me I invented that shit.” The words I speak are in jest. 

The pillow I chuck at his head most defiantly is not. 

Of course, he snatches out of mid-air and neatly throws it on to his own bed. Leaving me sad and pillowless. 

Curses, I didn't think this plan through. 

I would go and reclaim it but the IV line is still jammed into my forearm and that would lead only to more pain. For me at least. 

“Jerk.” I huff. 

And he just keeps laughing. 

I briefly consider going back to sleep, but no, I'm up now. Might as well make the best of this. 

“Seriously dude, are you okay?” I ask. 

He sits on the edge of his bed and stares at me quietly for a moment. 

“Better than I was…”

He looks away toward the dull light in the hall, and we both wait in silence as a nurse walks by our room. 

“I made dad cry.” He admits. 

“Yeah…”

There was no way that I could have ignored Yamamoto -san sobbing in the hallway. Lucky mom was there and she is awesome at comforting people. 

She had actually been pretty amused at my antics. Apparently, the old man had once done something similar back when they were dating. This does not make me feel any better about it. It actually makes me feel worse for having something in common with that asshole. 

It had made mom smile though so I'll let it slide. 

For now. 

“I didn’t -” 

He doesn't finish the thought. I don't think he knows how to. 

“Tsuna is actually really cool isn't he.” He says instead. 

“He really, really is.” 

And one day even he would believe it. 

“That funny little doctor guy recommended that the best medicine for me would be to spend more time hanging out with Tsuna.” 

Takeshi is beaming. 

“So I hope you don't mind if I tag along with you guys from now on.”

That sounds exactly like Reborn. 

Though I can't help but wonder if there are actual medical benefits that come from hanging out with a Sky Flame? And if so can we find a way to bottle it and sell it. 

A happy orange fire. Yours today for three easy payments of $9.99. 

“S’cool dude. Just prepare yourself for some high-octane shenanigans.”

I see a flash of teeth in the dark. 

“Looking forward to it.”

* * *

* * *

Takeshi was released into his father's loving care after a 24 hour observation period. There was an awkward moment when Yamamoto-san came to pick him up and randomly grabbed me in the tightest hug. 

I stared wide-eyed over his shoulder at Takeshi who gave me an equally wide-eyed expression. He was still a little bit weepy which was even more awkward. 

Not knowing what else to do I gave him a couple of solid pats on the back. 

Pat. Pat. 

Takeshi promised to come to visit me tomorrow. 

And then I was alone in a big quiet hospital room. 

To be fair I didn't really have much of an opportunity to be lonely. I've spent most of my time here passed the fuck out. Because guess who the smart guy who gave himself god damn pneumonia is?

That's right, me. 

But the doc said I should be well enough to go home in a couple of days so I guess that I'm just going to enjoy having this mini-vacation from school. 

I'm sure Mrs. Nakamura will be so sad when she sees I'm not there to contradict her with smartass comments. Or to correct her English pronunciation. Which I'm sure is something that all English teachers love. 

And speaking of school…

“We brought you homework.”

Tsuna looks about as happy about this as I feel. Actually I think that we have the same expression on our faces. Because that is a huge stack of homework. 

What the hell? What did I miss!?

And then Reborn struts in his tiny three-piece suit and a paper cup of coffee. He’s looking debonair as usual and kicks Tsuna in his calf sending him stumbling forward with a yelp. I reflexively lunge forward in bed and barely manage to catch the spill of books and notebooks and pens. 

“ Ciaossu Inari.” He greets.

“S’up,” I reply.

“Owww.” Groans Tsuna. 

It's hard to read Reborn's expression. The eyes, in particular, are difficult, mostly because they look like giant black buttons. Adorable, but utterly mysterious. 

But that being said; I am pretty sure he just rolled them at both of us. 

“Alright boys, no more slacking it's time for study.”

He leaps up onto my bed and lands without spilling a drop of the coffee. And you better believe that I am eyeing that coffee. 

“Aw, you guys brought the tutoring session to me? I'm touched.”

I actually really am. Tsuna is the one with the criminal destiny, not me. So Reborn doesn't really need to put the extra effort into me. It makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. 

I make a grab for the coffee. 

Reborn, of course, expertly dodges. 

“Don't think you can play hooky just because you're in the hospital brat. I have a reputation to uphold after all. If you fall behind it reflects badly on me.”

Tsuna dumps the rest of the pile of textbooks on the nifty little rolling table the hospital had provided. It actually sags a little bit under the weight. 

“Holy crap, did you carry that all the way from school?” I ask as he flops across the bed in an exhausted heap. 

“We’re working on Dame-Tsuna’s stamina.” Reborn replies as he makes himself comfortable. 

I poke Tsuna and he hardly flinches.

“How’s it coming?”

“Slowly.”

Leon transforms into a paper fan which our all-mighty overlord expertly wields to smack Tsuna back into the land of the living. 

One day in the far and distant future I need to remember to have a talk with Reborn about violence not always being the answer.

“You okay,” I ask Tsuna. 

“My arms feel like noodles. I think my arms are just permanently noodles now.”

I give his hair a playful ruffle. 

“That's what you get for always skipping gym class.”

“Not all of us are crazy stamina freaks like you are.” He tells me with a flat look. 

I choose to ignore the very pointed reference to my most recent adventure and instead fish out my math text book from the pile. As long as Reborn is here I might as well take advantage of his mathematical know-how. Geometry has really been kicking my ass lately. 

Tsuna manages to pull himself up to a sitting position and half heatedly pulls out his own textbook with a heavy sigh. 

“Anything interesting happened while I've been away? Has Hibari succeeded from the rest of the school to create his own totalitarian dictatorship? Is Mrs. Nakamura pining for me in my absence? Have you finally professed your undying love to Kyoko?”

Tsuna flushes so hard as that last one that I briefly worry that he's going to make himself pass out. 

“None of those things happened!”

“Boring.”

We settle in and let Reborn take the reins of the tutoring session. He's actually a really good teacher, just as long as you ignore the threats of violence and sadistic punishment games. Tsuna had actually managed to vet a solid C on the last math test we had. Which may not seem like much, but for him it is a monumental achievement. 

And the lions share of the credit goes to Reborn. Who has suffered through weeks of his student whining and complaining before Tsuna had finally given in and decided to put in some actual effort?

“Soooooo, hows Takeshi?” I ask. 

Attempting to be nonchalant this and failing miserably.

“He said I’m a ‘cool guy’ and he' been eating lunch with Hayato and me since he came back.”

The disbelief in his voice is palpable.

“Me, Yamamoto-kun said ‘I’ was cool.”

Oh, Tsuna, bro. 

And also… “Hayato?”

I ask quirking an eyebrow at him.

He blushes bright red just like I knew he would. It’s just too easy to embarrass him.

“I- its Gokudera-kun’s first name,” he says, deliberately not making eye contact. “I made him call me Tsuna so it only seemed fair to return the favor.”

Tsuna trails off uncomfortably still staring at the wall.

I am so proud. Tsuna is upgrading his social links all on his own.

“Tsuna~”

His head snaps back towards me and he glares. He knows me much too well to miss the teasing tone in my voice.

“No, you’re going to make this weird. Please don’t make this weird. It doesn’t need to be weird.”

“Weird? Me? Would I do that?”

I totally would.

“You would, you absolutely would. You always do. Please, please don’t.”

I laugh.

“Yeah, yeah I get it. No bugging you about your budding bromances.”

Tsuna whines and buries his face in the math textbook.

“You shouldn’t be embarrassed about developing strong relationships Dame-Tsuna,” Reborn says jumping into the conversation.

“Gokudera and Yamamoto are good additions to your Famiglia.”

The mention of the mafia thing makes Tsuna snap up from the textbook and glare daggers at our diminutive tutor.

“Please don’t drag Yamamoto-kun into the mafia thing.”

Reborn predictably ignores his complaint and starts back in on the geometry lesson. Tsuna keeps glaring for a while longer before giving in and starting in on the mountain of homework before us. We go on for another forty-five minutes or so before Tsuna starts getting distracted and jittery. Reborn sends him out to get us all snacks.

“And coffee!” I yell after him.

And immediately resolve into a coughing fit, because yelling with a chest cold is dumb.

“He better bring me that coffee.”

Reborn sits himself primly atop the tower of textbooks and stares at me. Petting Leon like he’s a supervillain in a campy spy movie.

I actually don’t know what the heck Leon is. I mean, Reborn calls him a chameleon, and okay he sort of looks like a chameleon. But he is also a harbinger of chaos, a shape-shifting weapon of mass destruction (and if I remember correctly a mini-magical-item-dispenser).

I’m not exactly up on my cryptozoology in this universe, however, even if I was I don’t think there is an entry in the mystical bestiary for ‘lizard that turns into a gun.’

Reborn notices my intense examination of his animal companion and wordlessly reaches out the hand with Leon resting on it toward me. I reach out my own creating a little bridge for him to cross over to me.

Oh my god. He has sticky little toes!

Leon’s tongue shoots out and sticks onto my face. I don’t even care. He is adorable.

“I keep meaning to ask you what he is.”

I gently run a finger down the chameleon’s back in a petting motion. I think he likes it? It’s hard to tell with reptiles.

“He’s a chameleon of course.”

I level Reborn with the flattest and unimpressed expression that I can muster with a lizard tongue sticking to my face.

“Chameleons don’t turn into guns.”

“This one does.” He says with a secretive smirk.

Jerk, Reborn knows very well by now that I can’t leave a mystery alone.

However, any attempt to stare him into submission is proving to be futile. I try anyway, but he just crosses his arms and stares back with his unnerving black eyes.

Curses.

“Can I get a hint?” I ask.

Conceding to his superior stare down skills.

He reaches out a tiny little hand again and Leon scurries back over and takes his rightful place atop the fedora.

“I’ll make you a deal Ragazzo,” he says after a beat of silence. “You tell me about this ‘premonition of yours, and I will give you a ‘hint’.”

Premonition?

“What premonition?”

Did I have a premonition? I don’t remember having a premonition.

“Dame-Tsuna said that’s how you knew Yamamoto was planning on jumping that day. He said you ‘premonitioned’ it.”

Ah, I did say that, didn’t I?

Well now, this presents me with an interesting conundrum. What happened technically wasn’t a premonition. It had been my brain unlocking a plot point that had been locked up until that point. It was information from another world, another life brute-forcing itself into my brain, thankfully in time to save my friend.

Which does fit some definition of precognition, I guess. If you turn it upside-down and look at it from a certain angle at least.

But Reborn is fishing for specific information here. I’m just not sure what. He is doing his best to be all nonchalant but there is an intensity to his gaze that makes me nervous.

“What about it?” I ask not confirming or denying anything.

He’s too difficult to read and I don’t fancy accidentally stepping on a landmine.

I swear one day I am going to be a master of reading Reborn’s micro-expressions and he will never be able to get away with withholding any important or interesting things from me. It’s going to be a personal mission of mine. Just give me like ten or fifteen years.

Reborn hums in consideration.

“You asked before why it was that Tsunayoshi was chosen to inherit the Vongola.”

Holy crap, full name usage. This must be even more serious than I thought.

“Yeah?”

“It is in part because he is the firstborn child of Sawada Iemitsu and thus the next blood-related heir to Vongola. But more importantly, it is because he checked off certain ‘ability’ requirements needed by the head of the Vongola Familiga.

Sky Flames. He has to mean the Sky Flames.

“You mean the fire stuff?” I ask, being deliberately reductive.

Silence.

Dead silence.

“… This would have been so much easier had you been a gullible dunce like your brother.”

“Oi! Rude!”

“Yes. Brat. The ‘fire stuff’ as you so eloquently put it.” Reborn continues completely ignoring my objection to him calling Tsuna an idiot. “Now tell me how often do you have these ‘premonitions.’”

Precognition is a Sky Flame thing, isn’t it?

I should have come up with a better lie while I was all hopped up on cold medication and antibiotics. One that would have preferably put me under less scrutiny.

But there is also a chance that I can use this as a loophole of sorts. I mean, yeah it’s complete bullshit and I do not, in actuality, have access to Sky Flames (or flames of any kind) but it’s not completely unreasonable that I could have inherited something from Vongola, right? I would be a convenient workaround for me knowing things I shouldn’t.

Well, in the absence of better superpowers at the moment…

“What do you count as premonitions?”

“Kid.” He growls obviously thinking that I’m still stalling.

“Hey, I am legitimately asking here. Do you mean full-on technicolor the hills are alive the sound of music, sirens blaring in my ears or like deja-vu or general bad feelings.”

“All. Of. It.”

“Oh….Often then?”

I then get the absolute pleasure of watching the worlds greatest hitman smack himself in the face. Reborn has achieved peak levels of exasperation. It is somewhat gratifying to know he can get just as frustrated as the rest of us.

He probably just has a higher tolerance considering the whole cursed to live a purgatorial existence in a comically tiny form.

He starts muttering to himself in angry Italian. I can’t understand what he’s saying but I do catch the word ‘idiot’ used liberally throughout the entire rant.

“You okay?”

Reborn glares at me from beneath the brim of his fedora. After a beat, it softens and he pinches the bridge of his nose. The moment of rage has passed apparently.

“Fine. I am going to have to have words with that idiot Iemitsu in the very near future about the importance of not withholding pertinent information from me.”

I can’t help but make a face. That is the second time in this conversation that the old man’s name has been mentioned and it’s starting to make my skin crawl. What does he have to do with anything anyway? It’s not like he’s ever here.

It’s not like he knows a thing about me or Tsuna.

“Dude, why would you ask that looser anything about us? He hasn’t been home in like eight years. I’m pretty sure that Tsuna legitimately thinks he’s dead.”

Reborn just stares at me. I think he has just about had it with this conversation now. If it wasn’t so disturbing to have the soulless black eyes continuing to bore into my soul it would almost be funny.

“For what it’s worth I don’t think this is anything to worry about,” I say in a vain attempt to console him. “I mean, I can’t do any of the crazy orange fire stuff that Tsuna can so I don’t think that anyone can worry about me trying to step on his toes and trying to usurp his claim to the mafia throne.”

“Any attempt at that would require you to kill him.”

My heart fucking stops.

“Excuse me?”

“Tsunayoshi is the heir designated by Vongola Nono. It has been written with his will. Any attempt to usurp him would require his death.”

“Never.”

I say it with all the conviction I have in me.

“I would rather die first.”

Never in a fucking million years. I will never hurt my brother.

Reborn turns to face the window. The rain has started to pour again. In the distance, I can hear a clap of thunder roll through the sky.

“It’s a shame that not all brothers share your sense of loyalty,” he says.

I get the feeling then that the conversation is over. And just in time too. Tsuna comes back in the room with a bag full of snacks and a tray of coffees from that artisanal shop down in the cafeteria.

“You're my hero, I love you,” I tell him as I take a sip of the lovely, lovely laté.

He smiles back at me and pops open the lid on the box of donuts that he got for us.

I can’t imagine a world where I would turn on my brother for power or glory or whatever else that Vongola may try to tempt its heirs with. Tsuna is my brother, my best friend. Tsuna is…

Well, he’s my Sky too, isn’t he?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For no reason in particular, does anyone want to guess what Inari’s flame type is?


	6. The Rules of Russian Roulette

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It’s a dangerous game.

Two days later the hospital releases me which a clean bill of health. Mom, Tsuna and Reborn all come to pick me up, which is sweet of them. Not that I was expecting that they would make me walk home on my own, but I’m pretty sure that Reborn and Tsuna had more interesting things to do at the very least.

I am so ready to sleep in my own bed again. Away from the endless beeping, yelling and general ambient hospital sounds. I have a hard enough time combating my insomnia without all that. Once I started getting used to the medication they had me on I pretty much kissed goodbye to sleep.

Also, my latest Reborn encounter had left me pretty on edge.

As we walk home Tsuna fills me in on all of the latest and greatest news from Namimori Middle School.

“We had an assembly yesterday so that the principal could talk to us about gang violence on the rise in town.” He tells me.

“Gang violence? You mean like the Disciplinary Committee?” It would serve Hibari right if someone in authority finally cracked down on his little para-military regime. But somehow I highly doubt it.

Tsuna shakes his head, “No, like an actual street gang with drugs and guns and stuff. Apparently there has been an increase in gang violence in the downtown area.”

He's quiet for a moment.

“I think it might have been the same people who kidnapped you that one time.” He whispers so that mom doesn't overhear.

Ah, those assholes. I spare a look at Reborn. Even though I am fairly certain he had played some hand in orchestrating that whole adventure I don't think he has anything to do with this gang stuff.

If I remember right, he doesn't associate with no-name riffraff.

He's an elitist snob.

“Something you want to say Inari-kun?” He says in a completely faux innocent voice.

“Nope.”

I turn back to Tsuna intent on changing the subject.

“So how are the guys?” I'm referring to a Takeshi and Hayato who have become his constant companions in my absence.

His face twists into something like a grimace.

“Takeshi and Hayato don't get along at all.” He complains.

That doesn't surprise me at all. Conflicting personality types and all that. Takeshi has probably been needling poor Gokudera (or Hayato now I guess) to see what happens. I'm sure they will settle into a stable dynamic eventually.

They just need a good old fashioned bonding moment to bring them close together.

“So I guess lunchtime has been lots of fun.”

“I can't wait to have you back so I'm not the only one caught in the middle.” He complains.

“I think it's all part of your stunning magnetic personality.”

Tsuna levels me with a flat look. “Are you saying that I attract weirdos?”

I pause to think about it for a moment. Considering all the colorful characters that are on their way I'm going to have to say…

“Yes.”

Mom laughs as Tsuna makes a loud squawk in protest.

“Tsu-kun has made so many wonderful friends lately. “

I stumble as Reborn decides this is the perfect moment to jump ship from Tsuna’s shoulder to my own.

“Another premonition of yours?” He mutters in my ear.

It doesn't seem like Reborn will be letting go of the whole ‘premonition’ thing anytime soon. He must have caught my momentary pause. I really hope he loses interest in this soon. Or I think of a better lie.

Whichever comes first.

“Yup.” I agree as I cheerfully disclose no further information.

I am not helping my own case at all here.

“And Hibari-san keeps turning up everywhere lately.” Tsuna continues on. Unaware of our little exchange.

“Really?” Tsuna’s threat level must have been upgraded if Hibari has taken an active interest in him. But then he had born witness to Dying Will Tsuna who displayed inhuman feats of strength.

“He keeps asking about you.”Tsuna continues on, “You shouldn't fight him so often.”

I don't know how to respond to that. It seems like my sworn nemesis misses me. It's the downside of me being the only one crazy enough to fight him voluntarily.

“It's all part of our manly bond,” I inform him.

“Frequent violence?”

“That, and I really can’t stand that jerk.”

“… I really don't like that he's always picking fights with you.” Tsuna grumbles.

He's worried about me. It makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

“It's all good bro, I can handle him.”

He grumbles but doesn't offer any further comments on the Hibari front.

We're just going to have to cross that bridge when it comes for a beat down.

“Anything else I should know about on the school front?”

“Oh, Kyoko-chan!!” He exclaims so suddenly that I jump and look around trying to spot the girl in question.

She is nowhere to be seen.

“Uhhh, what about her?”

Tsuna then informs me in rapid and somewhat broken sentences that are becoming more and more nonsense the longer that he speaks that we (here meaning the two of us) are going to be working on a group project with the illustrious Kyoko Sasagawa. Apparently, just the mention of this impending collaboration with his lady love had fried the logic circuits in Tsuna’s brain. He kept going until he was just straining off into space with a dopey love struck look on his face.

“Tsuna, concentrate.” I snap my fingers in front of his face trying to get his attention.

“I know your all excited to be working with Kyoko, but I need to know what this project is on.”

“Huh?”

“What. Is. The. Project. On?” I enunciate slowly.

Mom laughs some more. I'm glad that me and Tsuna are such a good comedy duo today if only to brighten hers.

“Tsu-kun has a crush, how adorable.”

“Moooooom.”

Tsuna turns bright red.

“Its really sweet honey. Your just as dumbstruck as I was when I first met your father.”

She’s been talking about the old man a lot lately. I know she misses him, no matter how much of a dead beat he is. He better call her soon, or else I'm going to have to get on a plane to Italy and go kick his ass.

Or better yet, I'll hire Reborn to go kick his ass for me. I'll probably have to sell him my soul or something but it would be worth it.

It doesn't look like I'm going to be getting any more sense out of Tsuna until the Kyoko haze wears off. Oh well, I guess I'll figure out what the project is on later. I'm sure we have time.

* * *

* * *

Or maybe fucking not. Because as soon we turn the corner of our street and I can see, even from the end of the block, that Kyoko Sasagawa is standing in front of our front gate. Apparently awaiting our arrival.

When Tsuna said we would be working on a project with her I didn't think he had meant in the immediate now!

“Tsuna-kun! Inari-kun!” She calls to us in a cheerful greeting.

Well, at least now I know why Tsuna went offline so suddenly once he had mentioned Kyoko. I glance back over to him to see that he has dissolved into a blushing and stammering mess.

He has absolutely no game.

Mom slips past all of us to unlock the door and usher everyone into the house.

“You kids get settled and I'll bring you out some coffee and snacks for your study date.”

At the word ‘date’, we lose Tsuna completely. His soul vacates his body and we are left with a husk that has been left over.

“Hey Kyoko, how have you been?” I ask because I have at least some social skills.

“I’ve been good, schools been really exciting lately.”

“Exciting is a word for it.”

I feel her eyes lock on to Reborn, who is still perched upon my shoulder like a demented parrot. I actually think he might have been doing something with his magical sunshine fire, because ever since he had hitched a ride the lingering pain in my chest has subsided.

Has Kyoko met Reborn yet?

They haven't crossed paths in my presence yet at the very least.

Should I introduce them?

“Who is this little cutie?” She asks taking the decision out of my hands.

“Ciaossu, I’m Reborn.” He introduces himself.

I have a feeling that we missed an important plot point somewhere along the way here. Reborn and Kyoko should have crossed paths long before this. Like the day after he arrived or something. Right? Or am I remembering things wrong?

I mean I don't think it will have any negative effects in the grand scheme of things. But it is still odd.

“Is he your little brother?” She asks me and Tsuna.

“I’m their tutor.” He answers with a hint of irritation.

“That's so sweet that your playing pretend together.” She coos.

Yeah, this shit must get really irritating for him.

“I'm also a hitman.” He says flatly.

Kyoko seems to have resolved to believe the most mundane answer in this scenario and Reborn's minor protest had fallen on deaf ears. But to be fair to Kyoko no one outside of our little bubble of reality-warping weirdness would ever readily accept that someone with the physical appearance of a baby would be in any way qualified to teach or monitor a couple of teenagers.

I feel sort of bad for him, but Tsuna is more than happy to go along with this misinterpretation. He jumps back to life and begins telling Kyoko about how Reborn is our young cousin from Italy who is staying with us for a while.

It's so boring in comparison to the truth. And I'm sure that in some other bizarre reality it is the truth.

Tsuna always gets weird whenever someone brings up the fact that Reborn has absolute authority over us. And I guess I sort of understand where he's coming from. Tsuna has always cared way too much about what other people think.

And the thought of a child, no matter how talented and intelligent, being seen as more capable then he is, is just too much for his poor ego to deal with. It shouldn't be an issue though, I mean, travel-sized or not Reborn is pretty fucking cool.

And Tsuna should have some inkling by now that Reborn isn't actually a child…right?

I mean even without my super cool foreknowledge I think I would be able to tell that something isn't quite right with our home tutors whole situation.

Okay, so maybe it was a little out of the realm of possibility for Tsuna to make those intuitive leaps.

No one expects cursed rainbow babies to be the answer.

“He really is our tutor though,” I say because I owe Tsuna back for forgetting to tell me about the whole group project thing.

Neither of them pays any attention to my little insertion. They are just busy being adorable and innocent together.

“So what’s this project on anyway?” I ask, somewhat desperately.

“Oh, Tsuna-kun didn't tell you?”

Somebody better tell me something soon or I'm going to fucking scream!

“No.”

“We’re doing a collaborative writing project for literature class. We're supposed to write about our dreams for the future based on our elementary school ‘when I grow up’ projects.”

Oh.

Oh, no.

No, no, no.

I don't want to do that.

Tsuna, upon hearing this reminder, gives me a look that clearly communicates ‘Oh fuck.’ It is a look that is probably mirrored exactly by my own face.

Those papers are somewhat problematic.

For various reasons.

Paramount of all being the embarrassment they are likely to cause us. Although for different reasons.

Those papers had also been buried deep within the depths of the linen closet never to be seen again. There are some things that should just be allowed to fade out of memory. Such as the personal writing projects of a pair of somewhat troubled and impulsive seven-year-olds.

Me and Tsuna share a look of silent understanding. We were going to lie through our teeth and admit to nothing.

“Oh no, I don't think we kept those,” I say with my voice filled with faux regret.

“Yeah, I think mom threw those out ages ago,” Tsuna says adding into the deception check.

“Really?” Reborn is clearly not buying our bullshit.

But I'm hoping that in the absence of viable evidence to the contrary he will drop it.

“What have I thrown out?” Mom asks. She comes back into the room with a tray of coffees and treats. “I never throw away anything that my boys make.”

“It was just a homework assignment from years ago,” Tsuna says quickly, “nothing important.”

Yeah, not suspicious at all there bro-bro.

“They were ‘my plans for the future’ from back in elementary school.” Kyoko chirps in helpfully.

“Oh! I have those!”

Apparently too helpfully!

Me and Tsuna share a horrified look across the table. This is bad. Not only did we fail to properly dispose of those embarrassing things, now it's worse because now Reborn is curious. Tsuna is frantically shaking his head, desperate to get the cease and desist order across.

Unfortunately, mom is already halfway out of the room.

“You boys were always so cute,” she calls back to us, “Just give me a second and I'll go fetch them for you.”

Oh well, no stopping it now.

I sigh.

“So, Kyoko, what did you want to be in the future when you were seven?”

We might as well get on with this.

“A police officer.” She answers with a serene smile.

Ah, well, that might make things a little bit awkward for Tsuna.

The mob boss and the police officer, star crossed lovers. It sounds like something straight out of one of those harlequin romances that mom likes to read. Though judging by the look on a Tsuna’s face he's more concerned with the inevitable arrest.

“That's cool. You still want to be a cop?”

“Nope.”

Tsuna breathes a sigh of relief.

“So what are your plans now?” He asks.

“I want to be a secret agent like in the movies.”

She is smiling in that lovely serene way that she is known for but the longer that we go without responding a level of uncertainty creeps into her eyes and she starts to fidget uncomfortably.

It's good to know that me and Tsuna aren't the only once with odd aspirations for the future.

Reborn nods in approval, “it's good to aim high.”

I’m glad that someone said something because I’ve really been caught by the strange vision of our class idol decked out in leathers like Black Widow. Not really my thing, but an interesting visual.

Tsuna, on the other hand, makes his little squealing noise and falls over. Kyoko leans over and gives him a concerned look and an experimental poke when he doesn't move.

He sits bolt upright, his face is red as a fire hydrant and he stutters and stammers. He must have had the leather vision as well.

One day, Tsuna will be able to carry out a normal interaction with this girl, but that is not this day.

“I know it's a bit of an odd career choice for a girl,” Kyoko says, “but it's not that strange right?”

“It's badass is what it is,” I tell her.

She smiles.

“What about you two? What did you dream of becoming when you were kids?”

“Uhhhhh.”

We share another pointed look.

By now they both must know that it's embarrassing. And they wouldn't be wrong in that assumption. In terms of sheer weirdness to come out of the mouth of a seven-year old, I think that I might even have it worse than Tsuna does.

His at least could sort of be played off as a child with an overactive imagination. Mine on the other hand…

Well, let's just say that looking back, it is entirely possible that bits and pieces of information from another world might have been leaking through my entire life.

That or I was exposed to some R rated movies and trashy reality TV when I was way too young.

“I found them!” Mom says, coming back into the room with perfect timing.

We reach out to take our respective papers.

“Thanks, mom.”

“Where did you even find them?” Tsuna asks.

“I found them in the linen closet when I was doing some spring cleaning. They must have ended up in the laundry somehow.”

Note to self: never hide anything in the linen closet.

“Well, I’ll leave you, kids, to your project. Have fun.”

And then we're left facing the combined expectant gazes of Reborn and Kyoko. There has been too much build-up at this point for us to chicken out now. The sadistic glint in Reborn's eye tells me all I need to know about what he thinks about this situation.

I peek at my paper. It's still weird but not quite as bad as I thought it was and not as long as I thought it was. Though a paragraph in second grade almost equates to a three-page essay these days.

I really do wish that I had just written mad scientist though.

“Tsuna, you go first.”

“What? Why?!”

Because I really don't want to go first bro.

“Dame-Tsuna, cowardice is not an attractive trait for a mafia boss to show in front of a lady,” Reborn chides him.

Tsuna looks like he wants to argue the ‘mafia boss’ thing, but amazingly it also looks like he wants to man up and impress his lady love.

Impressively, the option to man up and get it the fuck over with actually wins.

He holds up the page with a grimace on his face.

“My name is Tsuna. Everyone says I'm Dame-Tsuna. But when I grow up I'm going to become a giant robot. I won't be worthless Tsuna anymore. And then I will have friends.”

His voice is completely flat as he reads it and the grimace on his face deepens.

The rest of the page is decorated with a doodle of a robot that bore a vague resemblance to my brother.

I had forgotten how much self-loathing had been put into those few sentences. See, it's one thing for a kid to imaginatively write something like ‘when I grow up I'm going to become an awesome giant robot-like a Gundam or Voltron and fight the forces of evil!’ It is another thing entirely for a little kid to write ‘I'm a worthless piece of shit and I hope that one day someone will rebuild me as something better and more functional.’

The teacher we had that year had made it even worse when he had read Tsuna’s little paper out loud in front of the entire class and had mocked him for it.

He had laughed. At a seven-year old boy in front of all of his peers and had encouraged them all to join in.

That man had been a fucking asshole. And I live happily with the knowledge that I had gotten that asshole fired.

“That…sure is something a Tsuna-kun,” Kyoko responds awkwardly.

“Yeah…” Tsuna trails off.

“Inari-kun?” Kyoko prompts me.

If they are counting on me to end this awkward encounter they have another thing coming.

“When I grow up I'm going to beat the ever-loving shit out of anyone who ever tries to mess with my brother. And I'm going to marry a billionaire and I'll have a bunch of nice cars and drink martinis every day. I'm going to be more badass than all you other fuckers and you can just suck it.”

I had been a foul-mouthed little shit.

And yes, I did want to be trophy husband.

I bask in the ongoing awkward silence.

To be perfectly honest, the dream really hasn't changed that much. At the most, it would require some tweaking to include the Italian mafia and magical fire that I may or may not possess.

I really want me some magical firepower though.

“So,” I continue powering right through the awkward silence, “somehow we need to reconcile these three very different ideas into one cohesive essay.”

“Obviously we are going to need to veer into the realm of fiction because these ideas are much too different to be brought together in any other way.”

“We can make is like a spy thriller.” Kyoko jumps on board with way more excitement than I would have anticipated.

Seriously Tsuna, you better ask her out on a date soon.

“Yeah, yeah, yeah, you'll be our super cool secret agent protagonist, Tsuna will be your partner who has been transformed into a cyborg by the villain.”

“And what about you Inari-kun?”

“I, of course, will play the role of the villain's roguish boy toy who is playing both sides until I discover that Tsuna is my long lost twin brother and switch to the side of good.”

Tsuna shoots this forlorn look between the two of us as we continue to brainstorm our literary masterpiece. He sighs, picks up his pencil and notebook and starts to take notes.

* * *

* * *

We go on working like that for another two hours. By this point, Tsuna has filled up most of the notebook and me and Kyoko have moved on to the sequel in what is shaping up to be a blockbuster script.

Reborn has been lounging over on the couch taking apart and cleaning a revolver. He looks over at us every once in a while when we start getting too loud.

When he begins to deliberately spin the cylinder and stare unblinkingly at us I know that he is plotting something.

I mean it's Reborn so he is always plotting something. But it seems that he has something particular in mind for the three of us.

“You have all been working so diligently,” he says casually. “How about you take a break and we play a game.”

He hops down from the couch and saunters toward us. He spins the revolver dexterously before setting it down on the table between the three of us.

We all look at it.

“Got a specific game in mind dude?” I ask.

“Russian Roulette.” He replies with a smirk.

“Isn't that dangerous?” Tsuna asks, “Why would we want to play something so dangerous?”

He looks to Kyoko, obviously hoping that she would be a voice of reason. He obviously hasn't been listening very closely to our tales of alternate universe Kyoko who is a gun-toting badass.

“Sounds like fun!” She chirps clamping her hands excitedly.

I reach out and pick up the revolver.

“Is this real?”

“It's a toy,” Reborn assures us.

He's lying. I don't exactly have much experience with guns but I am fairly certain that this is a real gun.

Now I'm sure that he has something specific planned.

“So who wants to go first?”

“I will!” Kyoko instantly volunteers and reaches out her hand for the revolver.

I hand it over to her pointedly ignoring the look of panic on Tsuna’s face. I am going to trust that Reborn is not going to actively try and kill us.

She takes the gun in hand and aims it at her own temple. Kyoko really fits in with this crazy family, doesn't she? I mean, we've never really hung out all that much, but the few times that we have she has been down to go along with the crazy. It's a shame that she never got a chance to level up in the ‘original timeline.’

“Wow, this is more nerve-wracking then I thought it would be.”

Kyoko takes the revolver in her hands and nervously presses the barrel against her temple. She is shaking. Apparently, even with Reborn assuring everyone that it was just a toy her self preservation instincts were kicking in.

“Kyoko-chan, you don’t have to do it if you don’t want to,” Tsuna says reassuringly.

This is apparently all the encouragement she needed to actually get on with things because the next thing I know a shot rings out in our living room and Kyoko drops to the floor like a sack of potatoes.

Holy shit!

“Is she dead!?” Tsuna shrieks, turning to Reborn with accusation in his eyes.

“Don’t be stupid Dame-Tsuna, I never would give you idiots a gun loaded with real bullets.”

“Would you give us a gun loaded with unreal bullets?” I ask tentatively.

“There was a Deathperation Bullet loaded in the chamber.” He confirms, still showing no reaction to the fact that there is a motionless fifteen-year-old girl on our living room floor.

Tsuna lets out a wordless exclamation of outrage as he rushes to her side, using his non-existent first aid skills to check for a pulse.

“We just have to hope that she had something that she regretted.”

“And what if she didn’t!?” Tsuna demands.

“I know how to hide a body Dame-Tsuna, I’m not an amateur.”

Reborn is a stone-cold killer.

Tsuna looks like he’s gearing himself up for a full-scale panic attack when an explosion of light erupts from Kyoko’s body. Sparkling yellow flames bursting through her skin and a burst of concentrated sunshine centered on her forehead.

Her eyes snap open.

Brilliant gold instead of their usual honey brown.

And then she sits bolt upright…

Leaving the majority of her clothing behind!!!

“Kyoko-chan!” Tsuna wails in mortification.

“Who invented those bullets anyway?” I ask Reborn, doing my very best not to stare at the glowing half-naked girl standing in the centre of our living room.

“Vongola Primo.” He answers simply.

“So what your saying is that our ancestor was a fucking pervert.”

Reborn doesn't dignify this with a response.

Kyoko in dying will mode is nothing like Tsuna in dying will mode. There is none of the screaming or uncontrollable rage that seems to personify my brother when he takes one of those magic bullets.

This probably says something about the levels of rage that he is repressing. We should probably talk about that at some point.

She regards the room in slow consideration before her eyes fall upon the revolver that is still in her grip.

“This will do.”

The prim feminine voice carries with it an undeniable air of threat with it that immediately sends a chill down my spine.

What will do?

And also why?

And also WHAT?

“I'm going to borrow this.” She says gesturing to Reborn with the gun.

“There are no bullets left-” He starts to say before the same yellow fire fills the chamber and she spins it experimentally.

“Never mind.” He says.

“Reborn?”

“This might be a problem.”

The panic that fills my soul when these words leave Reborn's mouth is indescribable. The fact that it is closely accompanied by the sound of glass shattering as Kyoko bursts through our living room window clad in only her panties and a bra.

Which, according to anime logic, is the most powerful armor of all.

“KYOKO-CHAN!” Tsuna shrieks bolting to the window and looking helplessly after her as she marches down our walkway and out of view.

“Uhhh, Reborn?”

Leon darts down his arm and transforms into a small green handgun that Reborn cocks dramatically and takes aim.

“Go after her Dame-Tsuna.” He orders, and fires.

With a burst of orange fire and a roar, Tsuna explodes out of his clothing and throws himself out the OTHER window in mad pursuit of Kyoko.

“I have no idea how we're going to explain this to mom.”

“Worry about the small stuff later Ragazzo,” Reborn says as he leaps onto my shoulder, “after them.”

And with that, I'm running, taking only the briefest moment to slip on my shoes at the front door before I'm hot on their trail. The ache in my lungs returns momentarily and I almost dissolve into a coughing fit, when a warmth stars radiating from the back of my neck seeping into my skin and chasing away the pain and exhaustion.

I never would have pegged Reborn as a white mage, but somehow it almost fits him. In a roundabout way at least.

“Thanks.”

He doesn’t say anything, but the healing warmth intensifies. Something fun that I didn’t know about Sun Flames until this moment was that shot of fucking adrenaline that closely follows the infusion. It's like downing a six energy drinks. An explosion of energy on the cellular level.

My mitochondria are dancing the fucking samba right now.

I take off after Tsuna like a fucking race car. Launching over a mailbox and scampering up a wall to get a better view of my targets.

Lucky for me, it’s not too hard to spot a couple of glowing teenagers rampaging through the suburbs in their underpants.

Their stampede has a distinct downtown trajectory to it. Kyoko is going to fucking kill someone. There is no other explanation for why our class idol would take a god damn gun with a look like that on her face. She constantly has assholes confessing their ‘love’ for her and trying to manhandle her. It’s probably some jerk from school.

In which case we should probably stop her from killing them.

Let’s not kill normie teens.

Hana is going to kill me.

Hana is most definitely going to kill me no matter what happens here. As soon as she finds out that I let her best friend run around the city in nothing but her bra and panties she is going to kick my ass.

And to that point, I am feeling a great deal more uncomfortable about Kyoko in Dying-Will-Mode (or is this Hyper Dying Will now?) than I ever did about Tsuna.

It is probably because she is orders of magnitude more terrifying than he will ever be.

I make a running leap off the wall and land in a full out sprint. Even going at full speed I will have a hard time catching up with the two imbued with supernatural strength while I’m on foot, Sun Flame booster shot or no.

“I’m going to need to jack a bike or something,” I inform Reborn through panted breaths.

He hums in acknowledgment but offers no other commentary. I get the sense that even he is a litter perturbed by this situation.

“So, you know, keep your eyes out for a fucking bike or whatever.”

He tugs hard on my hair and I yelp.

“Watch your mouth, Ragazzo.”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah.”

I sprint another four blocks or so when Reborn cuts in,

“On your left.”

I pivot hard without thinking, and where I expect to see some idiots unchained bicycle I come face to face with Hibari Kyoya.

On a motorcycle.

Fuck me, I don’t have time for this shit.

“Sawada.” He says with a predatory glint in his eyes, which only sharpens when he notices Reborn there with me.

“And the baby.”

He makes a motion that I immediately recognized as a prelude to an imminent fight. I really don’t have time for this right now though. I need to catch up with Tsuna and Kyoko and either stop them from committing murder or help them commit murder. I’m still not clear on that.

I make a split-second decision.

One that I am most likely to end up regretting in the very near future.

I march right up to my mortal nemesis (who even seated on a motorcycle is still taller than me which is extremely irritating) and look him dead in the eye.

“I will fight you as many god damn times as you want for a whole fucking week if you help me catch up with those two glowing idiots right the fuck now.”

Apologies Kyoko for calling you an idiot, but desperate times and all that.

Hibari’s eyes narrow in consideration and after a long moment of silence, I feel something hard shoved against my chest. I look down and see...a helmet?

“Get on.”

Let me make one thing clear. I have never in this life or any other ridden on a motorcycle. And let me tell you now I hate it. Immediately after taking my seat behind Hibari and feeling the engine rev I proceed to cling to him for dear life.

He makes an ‘oomph’ sound and I realize that I am probably crushing his ribs, but I really could not care less.

“You should hang on tight,” I tell Reborn.

“You’re still too green to be worrying about me.”

If he has any further commentary it is lost in the roar of the engine and the gust of wind that blasts into us as Hibari takes off in high-speed pursuit.

* * *

* * *

I blank out the drive. There is no way that I can force myself to remain cognizant for this trip. I can put up with a lot by putting my life in Hibari Kyoya’s questionable hands is one step too far.

And more to the point, I have learned something important about myself today: I am petrified of motorcycles.

I am fairly certain that I actually cracked some of Hibari’s ribs. Not that he would tell me if I did. He deserves it anyway for driving like a maniac.

We did actually manage to catch up with Tsuna and Kyoko who had skirted the downtown center and led us straight into the industrial district. It’s not the nicest part of town. Most of the warehouses around here have been abandoned in favor of new infrastructure outside of town. This particular conglomerate of storage facilities is somewhat infamous for gang activity.

And actually looks vaguely familiar.

Isn’t this where I was kidnapped a few weeks back?

Huh.

Enemy hideout encountered. Apparently.

Though I still don’t know why.

I look over to Tsuna who has collapsed onto his ass his flame slowly dying out but not quite extinguished yet. He has returned enough to his right mind enough to be freaking the heck out now though. His gaze is locked onto Kyoko, which is fair considering she looks more like an avenging angel bathed in divine light than out classmate right now.

She's totally badass.

But still in her underpants.

“Inari,” Tsuna hisses at me, “clothes.” He gestures toward Kyoko while doing his best to cover his own shame.

I give Reborn a sidelong glance. “If I give her my hoodie is it going to instantly dissolve from the nuclear radiation or whatever the hell this is?”

He gives her an appraising look, “Not at this point.”

“Kay.”

I quickly shuck off my hoodies and hand it over to her.

“I’m totally down for this mission of vengeance or whatever the heck this is, but please put this on before Tsuna has an aneurysm.”

Kyoko stares at it quietly for a moment before grabbing it and sliding it on.

“Thank you.”

“So, uh, Kyoko-chan?” Tsuna stammers still red as a brick, “What are we doing here?”

She doesn’t look at him. Just continues to stand there and quietly regard the warehouse we have gathered in front of. And then she speaks.

“The men who hang out here are terrible people. They have been extorting the people in my neighbourhood and last week they attacked my brother.”

She raises the revolver and reignites the chamber with sun flames.

“I am going to teach them a lesson.”

From the look of how things are shaping up, it is going to be the lesson of a quick and painful death.

Holy shit though, Kyoko has the world’s greatest poker face. I never would have guessed she had something so heavy weighing on her mind. But then again it’s not like either of us know her all too well.

I hope Ryohei is okay.

He’s a couple of years above us so I don’t know him all that well. But based on the knowledge gleaned from another universe he is a pretty cool dude.

Whatever happened to him must have either been really bad to have the usually peaceable and polite Kyoko going off the deep end like this, or she subscribes to the same school of ‘disproportionate retribution on behalf of my big brother’ that I do. I have a feeling it’s the latter. If anything tragic had happened to the captain of the boxing team there would have been a school-wide announcement.

“Shouldn’t we call the police or something?” Tsuna asks looking between the lot of us somewhat desperately.

“Those crowding herbivores would never bother coming here.” Hibari responds, “they are nothing more than cowardly sheep.”

Tsuna, who apparently failed to notice who I arrived on a motorcycle with, just barely manages to smother his own shriek of terror.

“Hi-Hi-Hibari-san!?”

“Not really important right now bro.”

“What- But-“ He starts and stops several sentences looking from me to Reborn to Hibari and then to our resident angel of vengeance Kyoko.

He sighs and pulls himself up.

“Can I at least have some pants?” He grouses at Reborn.

Half a second later Tsuna is smacked in the face by a pair of cargo pants that Reborn summoned from the ether. He quickly shimmies into them and then sneaks around so I am a solid barrier between him and Hibari.

Chicken.

But, okay, I get it.

“Welp, if we’re actually going to do what I think we’re going to do you kids hang tight while I go do what I do best.”

“What’s that?” Tsuna asks warily.

“Vertically scale a fucking building.”

* * *

* * *

So, good news and bad news.

The good news is that we seem to be dealing with our basic garden variety thug infestation. I recognize a couple of them from back a few weeks ago when I was briefly kidnapped in one of Reborn’s schemes to get Tsuna to man up. They still have the bruises that he gave them too.

Now the bad news.

There are at least twenty-six of them in there from what I was able to spot from my ceiling rafter vantage point. And there is also something that looks vaguely like a ramshackle meth lab in the back of the warehouse. Because apparently we’re doing a Breaking Bad crossover now.

Once I manage to quietly shimmy back down the drainpipe I relay this important tactical information to the rest of my adventuring party who gaze back at me with variations of the dead-eye stare.

“Two of them have semi-automatic weapons,” I go on, “So we should probably use an element of surprise or something to take them out first.”

For a moment I wish that Hayato had come along with us on this random quest. His dynamite would be awesome for taking out all these fuckers in one go. And then I remember the meth lab, and no, that would be all sorts of a bad idea.

“You really have brought the best sort of trouble,” Hibari says busting out the tonfa and licking his lips like the violent creeper he absolutely is.

“Wait, wait, wait!” Tsuna cuts in with frantic and emphatic hand waving. “We’re fourteen and those are actual real criminals with guns! What the hell are we going to do against them?!”

He’s not wrong.

Magical mafia bullshit aside this whole situation is completely buck wild. And I have no roadmap here. I have no alternate universe information about this situation, because as far as I can tell this situation never happened in that story. There are no guarantees here.

And I’m not going to lie.

I kind of love it.

“We are going to dispense some good old fashioned vigilante justice on these morons for having the audacity to start shit in our town against our people.”

“But-“

“Tsuna, bro, these fuckers are so bad that they have inspired the divine wrath in Kyoko Sasagawa who I’m pretty sure is the most chill person either of us knows.”

“And you heard the apex predator over there, the cops are too scared to do anything about ‘em. And if these assholes are left to go unchecked who knows who they might hurt next. And besides all that we’ve had encounters with these fucks before and last time you beat the ever-loving shit out of them.”

I clap a hand onto his shoulder. I’m kind of hoping that the power of inspiration will just sort of absorb into him.

His head is turned down and his bangs have cast a shadow over his eyes so I can’t get a great read on his mood. But seriously though, if Tsuna isn’t one hundred percent down with his we’ll bail. We get Reborn to uses his Dying Will negating mallet we grab Kyoko and we run like hell.

Hibari can do whatever the fuck he wants to do.

I wait a bit. It feels like our whole little party here is holding its breath waiting for Tsuna’s decision.

I catch Reborn out the corner of my eye staring us down with an intense and completely unreadable expression.

A beat passes.

Tsuna clasps his hand over mine. When he looks back at me I watch as his brown eyes bleed to orange and the flames that had all but died out reignite.

And Tsuna is filled with god damned **DETERMINATION**.

“What’s the plan?”

* * *

* * *

The plan goes like this:

“Yo! Ugly!” I shout down from on high.

“Yeah you who made the poor choice of facial tattoos.”

I’m the distraction. Of course, I’m the distraction, what else would I be? Who else but me can piss off an entire warehouse full of baddies while jumping around like a lemur and narrowly avoiding death?

I land loudly on the pyramid of crates that are set up under the row of broken windows that I had peaked through earlier. I immediately start screaming insults at whoever is in sight, paying special attention to the two creeps with the semi-automatic handguns.

Lucky for me, neither of them have the wear with all to instantly shoot me in the head.

They really are incompetent thugs. Heavily armed incompetent thugs, but incompetent none the less.

“What the fuck?”

I have the attention of all two dozen people in this warehouse. And even better than that I seem to have a surprise round against them. Which would be awesome if I could do some kind of super cool move to take a whole bunch of them out at once.

As it stands I can only do this:

“Taser!”

I raise up the weapon that I had pilfered from these same idiots weeks ago and pull the trigger. The probes discharge at high velocity and latch into my chosen target. A millisecond later a massive discharge of electricity travels down the cables and pours into him.

Honestly, I don’t know what I was expecting but I’ll say right now, it wasn’t the Pikachu esque thunder-shock that transformed him into a charred and smoking heap on the ground.

“That was cool.”

There is a moment of stunned silence in the warehouse following this before one of the guys by the ramshackle meth lab (and I can’t help but notice how they are all wearing industrial gas masks which is concerning) hollers:

“Get that fucking kid!”

I had no idea my stupid distraction would work so well.

They all rush forward toward me. There is a mad scramble to grab weaponry and the other guy with the semi-automatic is having a problem with the safety.

Which gives Tsuna ample opportunity to sneak up from behind and judo throws him on to the ground.

He makes a satisfying ‘gack’ sound when his back slams into the concrete and then twists into a convex shape and passes out cold. I can’t help but note that he is also a little on fire, thanks to Tsuna’s crazy fire hands.

The guys that have borne witness to Tsuna’s sneak attack seemed awestruck by the kid who was literally on fire before them. And really who can blame them? Tsuna is super fucking cool right now.

And he doesn't give them time to recover, bull-rushing one and hurling him into the wall.

Kyoko shoots six more of them down with some crazy laser sunbeams that don’t so much pierce into them as they do stun them in an aura of golden light. They don’t really move after that but they aren’t dead. Which is good, because I don’t think Kyoko would be able to live with herself if she literally shot someone dead.

Under the influence of supernatural bullets or no.

Reborn has taken up point on her shoulder. I assume he is imparting some wisdom about using Sun Flames to kick ass.

Hibari charges around like the god damn tank he is clubbing down our enemy combatants. I actually hear a few of them shriek “Hibari Kyoya!” When they spot him and make an attempt to flee.

Not that any of them get really far.

It doesn’t take long for complete chaos to erupt. Three more of them try to swarm Tsuna with bats and brass knuckles. I launch myself off from the top of the crate pyramid and land feet first on one of their shoulders sending him crashing into the ground hard.

I reach out with the taser again and jam it into the ass of the dick with the bad dye job who I recognize from my ill-conceived kidnapping. Once again the eruption of electricity is unexpected, but hey, I’m not going to complain.

“And ya’ toasted.”

“Inari...” Tsuna groans.

“What?”

He doesn’t answer me. Instead, he punches the remaining punk in the nose with his flaming fist.

“Mother fucker.” Curses said punk clutching his bleeding nose and glaring at us through watering eyes, “What’s wrong with you fucking brats?”

“Just think of us as the neighborhood watch,” I tell him just as Hibari comes up from behind and clubs him across the back of the head.

There are about ten left standing at this point. The four with the gas masks are still in defensive positions around their chemistry set. Whatever it is they are making they are devoted to protecting it.

I also can’t help but notice that they all look extremely nervous and not about the supernaturally imbued teenagers attacking them.

Note to self: whatever that is it’s probably even more dangerous than I think it is.

“Yo! Who’s in charge of this operation?!”

I address the ones left standing. They all look at each other with equally dumb expressions which tells me all I need to know about the structure of this organization. Nonexistent is what it is.

If they do have a boss of some sort they aren’t in the building right now.

“Hey Kyoko-chan this is your show, did you want to address the class?”

She steps up and I can’t help but marvel at the vision she creates. She bathed in yellow golden light that sparkles in prismatic bursts. The most impressive part though is how the flames have convalesced and formed behind her in what looks like honest to god angel wings.

I don’t know if it is her own little flare for the dramatic or if it has some greater meaning. Either way, it looks totally badass.

“You are all going to put down your weapons and march yourselves to the police station where you will confess to your crimes and accept your punishment without complaint. You will never come back to this neighborhood or harass my neighbors or my brother ever again.” She raises the revolver, “Or next time you won't be getting back up again.”

Kyoko fires off another chaotic burst of sunshine laser beams that send our new friends fleeing for their lives. Some pause to pick up their injured and unconscious comrades, before running scared like the incompetent gangsters they are.

And then there is only one poor fool left. One of the gas mask dudes who’s holding up a crowbar and has planted himself between us and the drug lab (?)

I saunter up to him doing my best to get a look at what’s cooking on the table. There are colourful concoctions bubbling in their beakers, well-sealed packages, and, what stands out the most, polished violet crystals giving off an eerie glow.

So, maybe not drugs.

Which begs the question; what the hell is it then?

I catch sight of Hibari behind him and I smile in the most threatening way I can muster right now. I walk right up into this random goon's personal space completely ignoring the crowbar that he still has clutched in his shaking hands and clap a hand around his upper arm. The spark of electricity travels from me to him and I can feel his muscles lock up when the current runs through him.

“Choose life dude.” I tell him as Hibari brings his tonfa down on the table breaking it in half sending everything crashing to the ground in a cacophony of breaking glass.

He breaks from my grip and bolts toward the exit, not even taking half a second to look back. That’s a bad sign.

A haze of purple and indigo starts to swirl up from the mess on the floor. I briefly consider grabbing one of the glowing gems but decide against it. Fuck it, if it’s important I’m sure we will encounter more at some point.

“Yeah, we should leave.”

“Tsuna!” Reborn calls out and Tsuna is there next to him and Kyoko in an instant. She is wavering dangerously eyes drooping and the Sun Flames finally dying out. She drops and Tsuna catches her in his arms and lifts her up bridal style.

A strange cracking and chiming sound starts to arise from the slaw of chemicals and broken chemistry equipment on the ground and a feeling of dread immediately fills me.

**MOVE. MOVE. MOVE. MOVE. MOVE**.

The urge to get out of this building ASAP intensifies and I sprint toward Tsuna latching on to one of the belt loops in his pants and tugging him toward the exit. Something that sounds like cherry bombs being set off starts popping off behind us.

“Leaving now!”

* * *

* * *

Later that night once we deliver Kyoko safely back home and Tsuna is passed out cold face down in his bed; Reborn hops up next to me and smacks me hard across the head.

“OW! What the heck was that for?!”

“Brat, next time you feel the urge to inspire someone do me a favor and don’t use your WILL to do so unless you're absolutely sure you can deal with the consequences.” He growls.

And even coming from that cherubic face it is terrifying.

But also confusing.

“What?”

He very pointedly does not answer me, turning around in his hammock and aggressively snoring.

“What?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Inari is a disaster lighting child with a little something extra mixed in that will come into play as the story goes on. 
> 
> Let me know what you think as we tread further into canon-divergent territory.


	7. Expect the Unexpected

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It’s a hard lesson learned.

I have come to the extremely important conclusion that I know jack about shit. Either the information that was bequeathed onto me by supernatural entities beyond my mortal understanding is missing some very key information or my very existence in this world has had some very dramatic butterfly effect ripples.

We made the morning news.

Well, we sort of made the morning news.

“...street gangs known as the Hammerheads charged with various counts of assault, extortion, kidnapping, armed robbery, and drug trafficking. They have been plaguing the Namimori police department for the better part of a year and have, in recent weeks increased the frequency of their criminal activity...”

Me and Tsuna had stopped dead in the middle of our morning rituals to stare at the timeless beauty of Hinata Shoichi of channel five news talk about some very familiar-looking individuals.

“...that is until last night when the entirety of the gang arrived on the steps of the Namimori police station and turned themselves over into police custody. Confessions are still being received but at this time it looks like the justice department will have all they need to get full convictions of all the members...”

“What did we do?” Tsuna asks faintly.

I don’t answer I just keep watching the news footage. Yup, those are most definitely our friends from last night.

“...officials have noted that the gang members have suffered a litany of injuries including burns, blunt force trauma and in some instances electrocution. At this time it is unknown what caused these injuries or what inspired the Hammerheads to turn themselves in, however, officials are speculating that it is the result of a turf war with a rival criminal element...”

“Inari, what the fuck!” Tsuna hisses smacking me repeatedly in the arm, not tearing his eyes away from the screen.

“Uh...”

“...the most recent press release from the Namimori PD states that the wear-house that had functioned as the Hammerhead’s base of operations has been placed under quarantine. Forensic investigators have found evidence that the gang was in the midst of developing some sort of biological weapon and ask that the public remain clear of this area until further notice...”

“Bio- What?”

“... expect further updates in this story as they come to light. This is Hinata Shoichi with channel five news signing off...”

The television powers down with a click and we turn to look at Reborn who is holding out the remote in front of him.

“What did we DO!?” Tsuna asks Reborn, leaning heavily into the developing hysteria.

Reborn tips his fedora and smirks at us.

“You did what a good boss should do Dame-Tsuna, you defended your people and your territory from a rival faction.”

He looks considering for a moment before he continues, “I’ll be honest, I’m actually a little impressed I suppose this means I can step up your training sooner than I anticipated.”

Tsuna just continues to stare at him. He opens and closes his mouth like he wants to argue but can’t manage to summon the words. And it all just culminates into a low drawn-out “Hieeeeeeee.”

He burrows into my side and continues looking shellshocked.

“I don’t understand what’s happening.”

I pat his back comfortingly.

“Neither do I bro.”

And I don’t, I really, really don’t. My roadmap doesn’t include anything about this stuff. Me being here couldn’t have possibly changed things this dramatically, could it?

If that is the case I am kind of nervous about the larger ramifications of my existence. But a large part of myself is just saying fuck it and roll with the crazy. And I am leaning hard into that feeling for my own sanity.

“But ,hey, look on the bright side,” I say tickling him in the side and making him flail.

“What bright side?”

“Apparently we saved the city from a badly constructed bioweapon. We’re basically superheroes now.”

Or anti-hero protagonists at the very least considering our criminal underworld connections.

Tsuna’s response to this is to roll into a fetal position and disappear inside his hoodie like a turtle. I reach over and jab him in the side with a finger, he static charge that zaps him is completely unintentional.

I have to bite back the manic grin that is threatening to take over my entire face as I make the deep green sparks of electricity dance across my fingertips. It’s not quite thunder-shock level but it is better than nothing and I am fucking thrilled.

I glance over at Reborn out of the corner of my eye and find him staring back at me intently. And then he leaps down from the bed and lands heavily on Tsuna.

“Oomph! Ow! Reborn that hurt!” Tsuna whines popping out of his hoodie fortress.

“Don’t be a wimp Dame-Tsuna, or else I’ll have to think of a harsher punishment for you.”

“Hieeee!!”

He’s still bothered by this whole thing. I don’t think Reborn is used to things catching him off guard and yesterday came from way out in left field. I need to ask him about it later though. The whole part where I might have unconsciously inspired Kyoko’s whole ‘Angel-of-vengeance’ thing with my WILL (whatever the fuck that means)is really freaking me out.

It has to be a magic fire thing. Which means that I want to know all about it and Reborn is going to tell me absolutely nothing because he is a horrible sadist who enjoys dangling interesting bits of information above my head.

I need to find a new source of mafia magic information.

Before I go and use whatever crazy flame witchcraft that was again.

And on the topic of Kyoko; she was in dying will mode for a really long time. That can’t have been healthy. Or could it? I mean it was sun flames so technically it was the healthiest.

“She’s probably okay,” I mutter to myself absently.

“Huh.” Tsuna stops doing his weird chicken dance/Reborn avoidance maneuver to give me a look.

“Kyoko I mean. Not that god-tier Kyoko wasn’t a thing to behold, I just hope she’s doing okay.”

Tsuna sits up so fast that Reborn is launched off of him and halfway across the room. I watch on in awe as our tiny tutor catches himself in mid-air does a flip and lands perfectly on his feet.

Damn impressive that.

Tsuna’s lip wobbles a bit and he wails, “Kyoko-chan~”

I don’t think he really knows what to do with any of his newly gained Kyoko info stats.

“She better be okay and back to normal today.” He glares at Reborn.

“You have to be open to new experiences.” Is his derisive non-answer.

“Your no help!”

“Don’t worry bro-bro I’m sure she’s fine.”

I’m trying to be as pacifying as possible, but I doubt it’s working because all I keep envisioning is the Sasagawa household waking up this morning to find ‘the angel of vengeance’ in their breakfast nook.

He sighs deeply.

“I guess...”

“Boys!” Mom calls from downstairs interrupting our anxious contemplation.

“Hayato-kun And Takeshi-kun are here. You better hurry if you don’t want to be late!”

We look at each other and then as one we start scrambling around the room. I’m shoving books inside backpacks making sure to put in our creative writing collaboration that had kicked off yesterdays chaos. Tsuna chucks my blazer at my head as he hops around trying to pull his pants up.

He chucks off his hoodie and pulls on the sweater vest and his own blazer. If I noticed that he deliberately forgot his tie I’m not going to mention it. The only reason that I’m wearing one right now is that mom tied it for me once and I never untied it. I am basically walking around with something that looks more like a decorative noose than an actual tie.

Ties are hard shut up.

“Coming Mom!” We call down in unison before rushing out of the bedroom.

Mom is waiting patiently at the bottom of the steps with a patient smile and a pair of lunchboxes in her hands. I can spot Hayato through the open door behind her and he is clutching a matching lunchbox protectively to his chest with a flush across his face as Takeshi stands behind him snickering.

I knew Mom would love him.

“Grazi Mama!” I say, giving her a big hug.

Half a second later Tsuna slams into my back after trip hoping down the stairs. At least he managed to stay on his feet this time. That’s a first.

“Thanks, Mom! Bye, Mom!” He calls rushing out the door a head of me.

Reborn isn’t with him.

I look up the steps and see him standing there casually with his hands in his pockets making no move to follow after.

“You not coming?”

“I have business to attend to. I’m sure that you brats will be fine on your own for a couple of hours.” He replies dryly and then disappears down the hall and out of sight.

Huh. Well, that’s odd. I thought he was like glued to Tsuna.

I shake it off and follow Tsuna out the door. A lot of random crap happened yesterday. He probably has to report something to Nono or the old man.

Tsuna had used his flames on his own. His flames that were supposed to be safely sealed away or whatever the fuck that Nono had done to him all those years ago. They’re probably hearing all about it.

I don’t know how I feel about that.

Or Reborn is just sick of hanging out with a bunch of crazy teenagers 24/7 and needs a mental health break before he kills us all.

It’s probably that one.

“Yo Inari, you’re finally free.” Takeshi cheers and slings an arm around my shoulder in a tight squeeze as the four of us start walking.

Hayato looks like he about to say something before Tsuna grabs him and pulls him ahead. Tsuna shoots me a smile over his shoulder.

He's such a good brother.

I do my best to return the half embrace. It’s a little hard because Takeshi is like almost a foot taller than me so I wrap my own arm around his waist.

“Hey man.”

“Feeling better?”

“Well, I can breath again and I'm not coughing up my lungs anymore so I'm going to say yes.”

I was still feeling a little bit shitty when we first got home yesterday but I think Reborn fried the last of the infection out of me with his magical sunshine powers.

“I'm glad.”

“And you?”

Takeshi doesn't stop smiling but he doesn't answer right away.

“Therapy.” He finally says.

“Huh?”

He's not looking at me. But I'm not getting the same bad feeling that I was before everything went down. So whatever it is, it's not weighing on him too much.

“I'm going to be going to some therapy sessions for a while. That doctor, Rebo-sensei, recommended one to dad so I'll be going once a week for the next couple of months.”

“Oh…” I pause for a moment, “have you met the doc yet?”

If he's expecting judgment from me he's not going to get it. Sometimes you need help fighting monsters and this therapist probably has better tips and tricks for fighting the beast known as depression than I do.

“Yeah, I had the first session yesterday. She's pretty cool has a very calming presence.” He gives me a much brighter and Takeshi-like smile, “I told her all about what you did.”

“You were bragging about me? How bold.”

“How couldn't I have ‘he climbed up the building like WHA! and and when I fell he caught me like BAM!’” He bursts out laughing, “she thought I was making it up until dad confirmed it for me.”

It's always nice to know that tales of my crazy are spreading across the land. Pretty soon neighbourhood kids are going to be telling tall tales about me like I'm goddamn Chuck Norris… or the Slenderman.

“I always wanted to be an urban legend, thank you for making my dream come true.”

I yelp as I am abruptly lifted off of my feet into a monster hug.

“Thanks, Inari.” He mutters.

“Anytime,” I reply giving taking a moment to melt into the hug before giving him a firm pat on the back. “Now put me down.”

He kindly complies and I am back on solid ground.

“Keep that in mind when I ask you to tag along for a therapy session with Yukimura-sensei.”

“Are you two finished having your touching heart to heart yet?” Hayato interrupts loudly tapping his foot on the pavement about five feet away from us.

“Hayato-kun!” Tsuna hisses in outrage.

I had completely forgotten that they were there. Right there. Waiting for us.

“Ah.”

“Are you feeling neglected Hayato?” Takeshi asks with a grin and a tone of voice that would sound kind and pleasant to anyone else but to me it just sounds like ‘I am deliberately fucking with you.’

And it works immediately.

Hayato hackles we immediately up and he hisses like an angry cat, “who gave you permission to call me by my first name?!”

“Hm? Why would I need permission we’re all friends right?”

“We aren't close enough for that!”

“We’re standing pretty close right now.”

I see now what Tsuna meant about them not getting along. Tsuna himself has powered on ahead of us desperate to escape the stupid argument. I run through between them to break them up and hurry to catch up.

“Yo! Tsuna! Wait up!”

“Tsuna-sama!”

“Tsuna.”

He's so popular now.

* * *

* * *

Any and all lingering questions that we might have had about Kyoko's health and well being are answered once we reach the front gate.

Because she's standing there.

Waving at us.

And sparkling with radiant golden light.

The good news is that no one else seems to notice the sparkles.

The bad news is that no one else seems to notice the sparkles and I have to aggressively rub my eyes to make sure I'm not seeing things. Apparently not.

“She's super sparkly today.” Tsuna sighs with a love stuck smile.

Oh good, Tsuna sees the sparkles too.

Wait a minute…

Today?

Does Kyoko always sparkle like this in Tsuna’s eyes?

And if so why?

And why do I get to see the sparkles now? I'm not the one who's madly in love with her.

I quickly glance at Hayato and Takeshi to see if they have any comment about the literally glowing girl.

Hayato’s brow if furrowed but that's pretty normal. And Takeshi has slipped on his nothing smile that he wears at school which tells me absolutely nothing.

“YO SAWADA BROS!” greets an extremely extreme voice.

And up runs Sasagawa Ryohei in his full boxing get up with the noticeable addition of an arm cast. Though judging by the way he's wildly waving his arm about it has become somewhat superfluous.

And he's sparkling too!

What the hell?!

Is it me?

Did I inhale something weird in that wear-house last night?

“THANK YOU FOR BRINGING KYOKO BACK HOME LAST NIGHT THAT WAS EXTREMELY COOL OF YOU BOTH!”

The sheer intensity of his presence sends me scampering behind Takeshi for cover. Just in time too because Ryohei continues to surge forward grasping Tsuna’s hand in his own non-cast encased hand and shaking it madly. His makes Tsuna’s entire body lurch up and down with every shake and he looks absolutely petrified.

“Eep!”

“Thank you so much Tsuna-kun, Inari-kun. I'm so sorry for falling asleep on you last night. I'm so embarrassed.”

She's smiling brightly with a light flush of pink on her cheeks.

“I had no idea things were so dangerous last night so really thank you for carrying me home.”

“Asleep?” Tsuna asks snapping out of his stupor.

Hayato takes this moment to insert himself between Tsuna and Ryohei and smack the interlopers' hands away.

“Hands off the boss you turf headed idiot.” He growls menacingly.

Ryohei, predictably, completely ignores him.

“It was EXTREMELY impressive of you guys. Our house was right in Hammerhead territory. You could have gotten yourselves hurt.”

Oh yeah, I almost forgot about that.

“Well their not a problem anymore.” I say, still safe from the ‘extreme-ness’ behind my Takeshi barrier.

He looks at me and gives a solemn nod. “Yeah, but we don't live in the best neighbourhood even without those guys running around picking fights with everyone so thank you for getting my sister home safe.”

I knew that they lived in a bad part of town but I didn't know that it was so bad that a violent gang was barely a footnote.

“Someone should really do something about that.”

I think I'm just as surprised as Tsuna is that those words came out of his mouth.

“I mean…” He says awkwardly, “someone already did something.”

“Now we just have to hope that these guys aren't worse than the last ones.”

Kyoko puts a hand on his shoulder, “Don't worry big brother I'm sure these were just concerned members of the community doing their part to make our streets safe again.”

She's smiling pointedly at me and Tsuna.

I guess that answers the question of whether or not she remembers what happened.

“You sounds like a public access commercial,” Tsuna says and then smacks his hands over his mouth when his brain catches up with his mouth and he realizes who exactly he's snarking at.

Kyoko bursts out into barely concealed snickers, leaning heavily on her brothers shoulder.

“I do, don't I?” She says, “I do owe you though Tsuna-kun. Maybe I can treat you to some cakes sometime?”

“Uh… um… yeah sure, that would be great!” Each word climbs up an octave until he sounds like a strangled chicken and Hayato is the only thing holding him up.

“It's a date then.” She says and skips off toward the school closely followed by Ryohei who waves at us and continues on with his EXTREME morning exercise.

As soon as they are out of sight Tsuna falls to his knees looking dazed.

“Tsuna-sama!” Hayato panics.

“Kyoko-chan asked me on a date…”

He looks over at me.

“Inari…”

“Yeah, bro?”

“Am I dreaming?”

I reach over and pinch his ear making him yelp.

“Nope, not dreaming dude.”

This is an epic an unprecedented turn of events. Tsuna’s dream girl has asked him on a date. Tsuna dream girl also has the capacity to kick all of our asses, so there's that too.

Tsuna lets out a shriek of pure happiness.

“Kyoko-chan asked me on a date!”

Hayato, who is the closest to him, suffers the brunt of a crushing hug as Tsuna clings to the closest thing to him in glee.

“I have no idea what's going on anymore and I don't care! This is the best day ever!”

He is so happy, and I find myself beaming back at him reflexively. The world feels brighter and fuller and sparklier in the face of his joy. A bubble of warm happiness builds in my chest, and looking at Hayato and Takeshi I see them smiling too.

Sky Flames man.

And then the second bell rings and Hibari appears to combat our joy with his tonfa.

“Stop crowding and get to class.”

Tsuna lets out a terrified shriek and stars running and is quickly followed by Hayato and a Takeshi.

I fix Hibari with a resigned and expectant look. I had promised him unlimited combat yesterday and if nothing else I am a man of my word…

“After school.” He tells me and then continues on the prowl to terrify more lagging students.

That is more restraint than I expected from him.

* * *

* * *

Being back in class after a week-long absence is interesting to say the least. It's a lot like becoming a sideshow attraction in a circus. So there's a lot of staring and whispering which I pointedly ignore.

And then Hayato tells everyone to mind their own fucking business and then it's not a problem all.

There is a high pitched ringing sound coming from an omnipresent everwhere in the classroom. It almost sounds like high voltage electricity. I look around trying to spot an exposed wire or a glitching lightbulb or something, but there's nothing.

Well, whatever it is hopefully it won't kill us.

After homeroom ends Hana saunters over to my desk and takes a seat. She is glaring at me so I use my wisdom and say nothing.

“You are a dumb, dumb, idiot.” She tells me sternly.

“Yes, yes I am.” I agree with her.

“But you are also very brave and a good friend so I'll give you a pass this time.”

And then she smacks me across the head.

“Don't you dare scare me like that again. I almost had a heart attack watching you morons.”

“Sorry Hana.”

She gives me one more stern look before sliding back into her own seat and starting to chat with Kyoko.

“Sorry about that,” Takeshi says, leaning over to give me a sheepish look.

“Not your fault dude.”

I'm still just happy that he isn't a smear across the pavement. There is nothing that is not going to make me happy that he isn't a smear across the pavement and nothing anyone might say about my stupidity will make me regret what I did.

I'm just about to say something touching to this effect, but when I turn to look at him I jump almost a foot in the air sending my chair clattering to the floor behind me.

Suddenly, everyone is looking at me again.

And I really don't care because I'm more interested in the person dressed like fucking Predator staring in at our class!!

“Inari?”

“What the hell Sawada?!”

I watch as they creeper fades out of existence. It's almost like some one took the opacity slider on reality and turned it all the way down. I can't see them anymore but I am viscerally aware that they are still there. And the ringing sound that I've been hearing since getting to class has become almost deafening.

And then it slowly begins to quiet.

And then deepen.

**Duplicate.**

**Resonate**.

It's a discordant melody that makes my teeth ache. For an instant, it feels like I'm going to faint.

And then it stops.

A cursory glance around the room tells me that no one else noticed our creepy creeper friend. It doesn't seem like anyone else heard the dissonant nightmare sound either. Even Tsuna is giving me this look of concern and alarm.

I'm not crazy.

Or, at least, I'm not this kind of crazy.

“Nothing, nothing. Don't worry about it.”

I pull my chair up and make sure to keep an eye on the window

Whatever it is, it's not too keen on leaving.

Please dude, whoever you are, please don't make me spend more time on the outside of buildings defying gravity. Please be a nice weirdo and fuck of. Pretty please with sugar on top.

Hayato seems to have caught on that there is something not quite right out there and he follows my line of sight.

His eyes narrow as he spots… something?

Oh good, proof that I haven't completely lost my mind.

Then Kimura-sensei walks in and Lit class begins. And slowly the feeling of being watched fades.

Yeah, Reborn might have picked the wrong day to ditch us.

* * *

* * *

Our creepy friends peek in on us three more times as the day goes on. Around the end of Lit Takeshi and Tsuna have caught on that there is something not quite right going on outside. It doesn't take much to catch on to the paranoia vibes that me and Hayato are giving off.

Half way through math I notice Kyoko staring out the window in a terrifying way. Apparently she has noticed our invisible stalker too. I guess to be fair to the invisible stalker you don't really expect to run into these sorts of issues when you can literally become invisible.

I'm going to have to knock this guy out and steal his space-age cloaking device because that is too cool to pass on.

I mean we're obviously going to have to take this guy out anyway because of the whole invisible stalker thing and the fact that he is most likely here to mess with us in particular.

Mrs. Nakamura has decided to be particularly vindictive today and gives our class a surprise exam. This would be have been more troublesome if this wasn't my best class and I hadn't recently become completely fluent in the language.

I finish fifteen minutes into the class and slam my completed exam packet down on her desk with a smug smile. The look of absolute loathing that I get in return is the most wonderful thing. I'm sure she will appreciate all of the corrections that I indicated in her questions.

“You can leave now Mr. Sawada.” She says with disdain.

I give her a mocking salute and stroll onto the hallway where I post myself up against the wall and stare back into the class though the room windows.

The classroom isn't the most defensible position from a strategic standpoint. There are too many windows and two doors. The only benefit this right now is that from outside I have a decent vantage point of the entire situation from out here.

I pull my archaic cell phone out of my pocket and fire a quick text off to Reborn:

**There are some dudes here that look like they're going to a sci-fi convention only real.**

That should be fine.

I mean it's not the most informative message but Reborn should get the general gist of ‘something ain't quite right here.’ I wait a couple of minutes for a response but get nothing. He must be busy, I'm sure he'll get to it eventually.

Another five minutes pass and Hayato joins me out in the hall.

“That woman is a fucking nightmare.” He says irritably.

“She is that.” I agree, “but she's mostly harmless.”

He makes a grunt of acknowledgment and we continue on with our observation.

“So what do you think of our new friends?” I ask conversationally.

Hayato’s mood visibly darkens.

“Fucken’ annoying is what they are.” And then, “they?”

I guess he hadn't caught that bit.

“There are at least two of them crawling around out there. I can tell by the uhh- frequency?” That's probably not the right word to describe the pitchy sounds I've been hearing coming from these fuckers but it's close enough.

“Not sure about that, I just keep seeing… static.”

Well, that's interesting.

“Did you get a clear look at them at all?”

He shakes his head slowly. “No, just fuzzy outlines.”

“They look like they walked straight off the cover of a 1970’s pulp sic-fi magazine.”

Hayato stares blankly at me.

“What?”

“Never mind, armor, bodysuits, creepy helmets.”

He makes a violent ‘tich’ noise and his fingers twitch purposely at his sides.

Hayato has dynamite hidden under his clothes, doesn't he?

That can't be safe.

I nudge him deliberately to get him to refocus. “Let's not go straight for the nuclear option dude.”

He glares, “Its pretty obvious that they are here for the boss.”

“Point, but we are still in the school building and I don't want to get sent to prison for attacking invisible green men with explosives as fun as that sounds.”

We fall into silence as we watch the creeper scuttle across the windowpane like a beetle. From my perspective, he's flickering in an out of existence like a television with bad reception. I need to get a magical antenna to get this shitty station working.

From the way that Hayato is squinting at it I'm pretty sure he's getting pure static.

Inside the class I see Tsuna and Takeshi freeze up and glance toward the window. I don't think either of them sees anything there at all.

“Is the baseball idiot in the know about any of this?”

“You mean Takeshi?”

He gives me a look.

“I have been described as ‘that idiot on the baseball team’ before sorry if I need a little clarification.”

“I meant Yamamoto.”

“Then no, unless Tsuna used some latent telepathic powers to tell him all about the mafia and the hitman living in our bedroom, which I doubt. I'm going to need to bring him up to speed before he gets dragged into a turf war or something else stupid.”

“Is Reborn-san around at least?” He asks with an edge of anxiety creeping into his voice, “I have a shitty feeling about this.”

“Nope, he decided that we can handle our own shit today.”

Speaking of the devil…

I pull out my phone just as the text notification goes off.

From Reborn: **What?**

I don't really know how much more I need to clarify the dudes in weird outfits situation to him. It feels self-explanatory.

I send back:

**I think it's aliens.**

Just to be a prick.

We watch as the other creeper crawls across the window. And then we watch as Hana slams her pencil down on her desk, storms over to the window, and deftly flicks the blinds shut.

Hayato lets out a burst of laughter.

“I'm really starting to like that bitch.”

* * *

* * *

“What. Was. That!?” Tsuna wails as soon as we are an acceptable distance away from the classroom.

He clings to my arm and is shaking with barely concealed panic; his eyes shifting wildly.

“You mean the two guys?” Takeshi asks guilelessly.

As one the three of us whip around to stare at him.

“You saw them?!” I demand.

“No, but they were there right?”

Hayato smacks himself in the face and Tsuna looks even more confused than he did before.

This conversation is going absolutely nowhere. We need to establish some facts before we get caught going around in circles forever playing twenty questions.

“Fact the first,” I address the group as we exit the main building on the way to the cafeteria.

“There are invisible people following us. They’re dressed in crazy green jumpsuits which I can only assume give them their crazy cloaking device powers.”

“Fact the second, me and Hayato can see them. Sort of. And the two of you couldn’t, which I assume me means that it has something to do with the crazy magic fire stuff.”

“Magic wha-“ Tsuna almost interrupts me but I’m on a roll so I just keep powering on.

“Fact the third, Takeshi,” I pause in step and turn to look at my very, very good friend (who is also a little bit of an idiot and needs things laid out as plainly as possible), “it has recently come to our attention that Tsuna and I come from Italian Mafia royalty. He has been selected to take over the family business. The kid that you’ve seen hanging out with us is not our little brother or cousin or anything like that he is a professional hitman who has been sent by home office to teach Tsuna the secret art of becoming a mob boss. Also there is magic fire.”

“Inari!” Tsuna squawks in mortification.

They all stare at me in wide-eyed incongruity.

“Fact the fourth, they are most likely assassins here to kill us all”

“Assassins!?” Shrieks Tsuna.

“Magic fire?” Asks Hayato.

“Sounds like fun.” Says Takeshi.

Great, now we’re all at least somewhat on the same page.

To bring an end to my latest triumph in awkward silences I throw open the doors of the cafeteria with a little more flair than is technically called for.

We are immediately hit with the most god awful smell imaginable and the sight of half the student body wrenching on the ground. Everything is covered in a violently violet and mauve sludge that is wriggling with maggots and larva.

I slam the doors closed as fast as I open them and immediately start gagging.

“We need to get out of here,” Hayato says going deathly pale. “Now.”

* * *

* * *

“It’s called poison cooking,” Hayato tells us once we are all jammed into the janitor's closet together.

It’s nice and cozy and has convenient access to the maintenance staircase in case we need to flee quickly.

Hayato is clutching at his stomach in pain and has broken out in a flaky sweat. Tsuna reaches out and rubs his back comfortingly. He seems to appreciate the show of affection.

Obviously, Hayato needs some extra hugs too.

“It’s a somewhat legendary assassination technique that was developed and used by the freelance hit-woman known as the ‘Poison Scorpion.’”

Oh yeah, her...

I can’t believe I forgot about Bianchi.

“And you know this person Hayato-kun?”

He gulps loudly and steels himself looking Tsuna dead in the eye.

“You could say that,” he says.

We’re waiting with bated breath for the big reveal.

“She’s my sister.”

“So we’re okay, right?” Tsuna says with a deep exhale of relief.

We're not okay. The look on Hayato's face tells me emphatically that we are not okay. The manga had played the repeated childhood poisonings of Hayato at the hands of his older sister off as a joke. Something funny for the audience to get a snicker at.

This isn't a joke.

There is nothing funny about the fear on his face.

Siblings are supposed to love and protect each other. They aren't supposed to hurt you.

I decide in this moment that I don't care what explanations she might have about what she had done to her brother. I don't care if Reborn tells us that he trusts her. I hate her.

I hate her fucking guts.

It's rule number one: you don't hurt your family.

“I'm the one she perfected her ‘technique’ on,” Hayato confesses vaguely as he turns away to inspect the shelves of cleaning supplies that line the closet walls.

I see the moment that Tsuna realizes what that means. The fear and anxiety drain from his face and are replaced by a look of cold fury.

He looks over to me and I see the flickering orange lighting up his irises.

“Then we get rid of her.” His voice is low with barely bridled rage.

Hayato’s breath catches painfully and Tsuna tightens his grip on our friend's shoulder in a show of support.

I can't help but stare at Tsuna.

Things have changed. Things have changed so much and I have no idea what's going to happen. This is more dangerous than anything that's come up since Reborn came into our lives.

And Tsuna isn't afraid.

He doesn't have anyone holding a gun to his head. He's not hiding behind me.

Tsuna is actively taking on this shit situation.

I am so proud of him.

“Boss. I appreciate it, but I wasn't joking when I said she's a professional assassin.”

“I know,” Tsuna says and turns to look at Takashi.

“Takeshi-kun I know that this has been a lot and if-”

“Oh, I'm helping,” Takeshi says, cutting Tsuna short with a bright and terrifying expression.

“You couldn't make me leave if you tried.”

Tsuna, wisely, doesn't try to dispute this.

Neighbourhood Watch versus the forces of evil round two.

“You know if we keep doing shit like this every day we’re going to need code names and uniforms.” I snark.

* * *

* * *

What we really need is weapons.

There are at least three hostiles milling about the school right now and one of them has already proven that she doesn't give a shit about casualties or injuring literal children.

This really isn't the same story as the one that I knew.

I left Tsuna in the capable hands of Hayato and Takeshi. Hayato had started shoving cleaning supplies two of them. Bottles with fun labels like: explosion, fire, bone hand, and death. I trust that he has some specific plan in mind. We had designated the science lab as our base of operations (at least until Reborn shows up with an actual plan).

It gives Hayato access to all the fun stuff he needs to make some truly interesting explosions and it's the room least likely to be populated during lunch hour since they lock the doors.

Unless, of course, if you conveniently have access to the janitorial maintenance staircase which has a crawl space entry into the science lab.

I have never seen the school janitor but I am beginning to suspect that he is s secret agent… or a doomsday prepper.

Meanwhile, I'm on the move doing some recon as I try to gather weaponry of a more mundane nature; bats, sharp pointy things, the fucking tank known as Hibari Kyoya.

You know, simple things to bludgeon people with.

There is no way that, that psycho will let an assault on his beloved school go unchallenged. Though he is going to be pissed that our issues rolled us into his domain.

But until I inevitably cross paths with Hibari I'm using the fact that I have yet to hit anything resembling a teenaged growth spurt to my advantage. Ducking through the ventilation system to stay out of sight.

There are victims of Bianchi’s poison cooking as far as the B-wing. They are mostly clustered around bathrooms, and while most of them are unconscious and frothing at the mouth no one looks dead. So that's a bonus.

I still haven't seen the woman herself. And I have no idea what the hell she's doing here right now. In the original story, Reborn had contracted her as an assistant tutor for Tsuna.

I don't think that happened here.

If it did there had been a serious miscommunication somewhere along the line.

I have also just barely managed to avoid encounters with our invisible sonically challenged friends in green jumpsuits. A quick update on that situation - they are most definitely armed and dangerous.

The guns that they carry at their sides give off an eerily familiar violet glow. I'm not sure what will happen if someone gets shot with that and I really do not want to know. Our best bet is probably going to be to take them out before they know what hit them.

I catch sight of another unfamiliar face too.

A man dressed like a fucking Vatican Priest is strolling the halls sending directing kids to vacate the halls. And out of every crazy thing that I have seen today he is probably the most terrifying of all.

I don't know him and I don't want to know him. I would be much happier if I could put Reborn somewhere between me and this ‘priest.’

He's not even doing anything threatening, he's just walking down the hall telling kids to get out. Not exactly menacing villain behavior.

And then I watch him reach out and dissolve a wall with a sickly red flame and I am scurrying through the vents as fast as I can.

I could handle Bianchi, hell I can even handle the invisible stalkers. I can't handle unsettling priest with acid hands!

I suddenly regret being such a glib shit in my texts to Reborn. To be fair I hadn't been expecting today to devolve into a siege of assassins. If I had, I would have just sent an SOS in bold.

I also regret not bringing my taser with me to school today. I had stupidly assumed that we would get at least one low key day to recover.

At this point, I'm just hoping that Reborn gets here before we get our dumb asses killed.

Taking on low level, no name minions gangsters is one thing. Taking on real professional assassins with flame-based weaponry is another thing entirely.

Moving on from things that I have absolutely no control of; I have spotted an implement of violence.

Takeshi’s bat hangs off of the back of his seat ready for the taking. The classroom is dark and the blinds are still shut which should afford me enough cover to creep in grab the bat and maybe the canister of pepper spray that I know Hana has hidden in her desk.

It doesn't look like anyone is in the room which is weird but not too weird after an exam. I open the vent grate as quietly as possible and drop into the classroom and start stealthing toward Takeshi’s desk.

I just about have my hands on the bat when the lights I licked on and I freeze in place.

“Mr. Sawada, what a pleasure.”

Mrs. Nakamura stands at the head of the class leaning casually against the podium. I can feel her disdain from here.

How did I miss her standing right there? I'm really off my game today.

“Heyyy, Mrs. Nakamura…what are you doing here? In the dark?”

Had she not noticed the sounds of mass hysteria and projectile vomiting that had been echoing through the halls since the start of lunch hour?

She really is a shitty teacher.

“I'm just going to take this and go…” I say and slowly inch my hand back toward the bat.

“No,” she whispers into my ear, “you're not.”

Before I can think, before I can react, I'm slammed hard onto the desk. The back of my head is cracked against the wood and stars burst across my vision. I try to push myself back up only to be slammed back down with a heavy vice-like grip pressing into my throat choking off my airway.

The panic almost immediately takes over.

I thrash and claw and kick. Desperately trying to get her off me. But she's stronger and heavier than she looks.

I try to summon the spark of electricity to zap her but just as I feel the energy gathering in my palms my head is slammed once more into the edge of the desk and the world starts spinning.

I dig my nails into her wrists and forearms trying to pry her hands away from my throat.

I try again to kick her off of me, and I make contact but again it feels like she's bigger and heavier than she looks and I can't get any distance. She steps in between my legs and presses down even harder.

I can't breathe.

I can't BREATHE!

“You. Have. No. IDEA. How much. I am going. To ENJOY this.” She grinds out between clenched teeth.

“Vongola Decimo.”

No.

**Nonononononononononono**.

The panic has really and true lay set in. My vision is going dark at the edges. Dark spots and burst of light dance across my eyes. All the strength is draining out of my body.

I can't get her off me.

I can't breathe.

She thinks I'm Vongola Decimo. Tsuna is Vongola Decimo. She's going to kill Tsuna!

**Ican’tbreatheIcan’tbreatheIcan’tbreatheIcan’tbreathe!**

Tsuna.

**I'm going to die.**

Tsuna, Tsuna, Tsuna.

**I DON’T WANT TO DIE!**

An explosion of inhuman force slams into Mrs. Nakamura knowing her off of me. I hear a crash across the room but I don't fucking care. I slide to the floor coughing and gasping for air.

Tears stream down my face and I can't stop shaking.

It hurts.

Oh god, it hurts.

Every desperate breath I take burns like fire.

“Keep your filthy hands off of my student.” Reborn snarls.

And then he launches himself at her.

I hear the impact and growls before a shot rings out and everything falls silent.

They panic and pain takes over leaving me a paralyzed, shaking sobbing mess on the ground.

I need to stop.

I need to get up.

Tsuna is in danger. I need to get to Tsuna now. I need to get to Tsuna before they kill him.

I almost died.

I almost DIED.

I need to get to Tsuna. I need to protect my brother.

I try to pull myself up, but I'm shaking to hard and immediately collapse back to the floor. And I can't entirely suppress the sob of frustration that escapes me. I smack at my leg but miss entirely which just makes me sob harder.

I fucked up.

I knew something was wrong from the get-go today.

I should have gotten Tsuna out of here as soon as I noticed those guys. He might be dead now. Mrs. Nakamura, or whoever the fuck that was, had all but confirmed that she had been gunning for Vongola Decimo. And I can only assume that all the other weirdoes that are hanging around our school are here for the same reason.

I fucked up.

“Kid.”

I fucked up.

“Kid.”

I fucked up, I fucked up, I fucked up.

“Ragazzo!”

Something flops down over my head covering my eyes and snapping me out of my accelerating panic attack.

I look down and see a small hand coving my own and giving off a faint glowing light.

“Re-Reborn?” My voice is absolutely ruined. It's worse now than when I had pneumonia last week.

“You're alright,” he says, “just breathe.”

I do as he says and spend the next moments just focusing on breathing.

In. Out. In. Out. In.

It hurts so bad, and each breath I take is accompanied by an unpleasant rattling sound from somewhere inside my throat.

A long moment passes before I have myself under control again.

I finally manage to focus my eyes on him and I am completely incapable of suppressing the hysterical giggles that burst forth.

He's missing his trademark fedora. Without it his hair is a wild tangled mess of spikes and curls that go off into all directions and add another six or so inches to his height.

“Oh my god,” I rasp. “Your hair is amazing.”

And then I realize the more important detail. I reach up and gently run my finger along the brim of the fedora that is now resting on my head. It's actually a little big on me and dips to the side.

Magic hat.

“How cool do I look?” I ask with a sniffle and a watery smile.

I see the corner of his lip twitch up in amusement.

“Brat.”

I finally manage to sit myself up straight and try to angle myself over toward where Mrs. Nakamura…fell. Reborn tugs hard on my shirt refocusing my attention on him.

“Not yet.” He orders.

“What?”

“Don't question it just listen to me. Do you know where you are?” He asks.

“School. Reborn what's-”

“Do you know what's happening right now?”

“Yeah, weird guys, assassins…” and then I remember the most important part.

“Tsuna!” I shout and immediately regret it.

Owwwww.

“Tsuna is fine.” He says, “he wasn't the one who charged into an unknown hostile situation without any backup.”

Wow, he actually sounds concerned.

“Aww, were you worried about me?” I rasp.

“You have the self-preservation instincts of a stoned lemming you terrible brat.”

I try to laugh but all that comes out are more tears.

“Is Mrs. Nakamura dead?” I ask wetly.

“Yes.”

“Oh… good.”

I don't know how to process any of this. I fidget absentmindedly with the brim of the fedora as I try to get my thoughts in order. She was a terrible and antagonistic English teacher. I knew she hated me but I had no idea that she would try and kill me.

“Was she an assassin the whole time?” I ask.

“Yes.”

“Did you know?”

“No.” He answers tightly.

“How?” It seems impossible that Reborn could have missed something like that.

He doesn't answer me. Instead, he turns his attention to where her body is. This time he doesn't stop me when I try to look.

Indigo embers smolder across her body and I can't help but recoil as I watch her pretty face melt away into a massive misshapen head, scarred face, and squared jaw. There is a small bullet hole in the forehead where blood is slowly oozing out from the unfamiliar individual before me.

“What the fuck.”

The body there looks nothing like her anymore. It doesn't even look like a woman at all.

“I admit that illusionists are not my strong suit,” Reborn explains dispassionately.

“What?”

“We are going to have a conversation in the very near future, Ragazzo, believe me, however, this is not the time or place for it. Now, we are going to go find Dame-Tsuna and the boys before they try to do something stupid.”

“Kay.” I croak and slowly pull myself to my feet using the desk as leverage.

As I reach over to finally grab the bat, Reborn hops up onto my shoulder and lightly lays a hand on the back of my battered neck. I flinch reflexively at the contact.

He doesn't move his hand away though and slowly warmth starts seeping into my skin leaching a little bit of the bite of pain away.

“That is the best superpower ever,” I tell him reverently.

“It comes in handy.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So that happened.... 
> 
> Thoughts?


	8. Assassins, Assassins Everywhere

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Run, run as fast as you can...

It took me a little bit to muster up the energy to crawl back into the vent after the whole…choking incident. Unfamiliar exhaustion weighing me down making every move I made jerky and uncoordinated. Eventually, Reborn's Sun Flame infusion took hold and I was able to scurry back into the opening.

Our trip back to the science lab to meet up with Tsuna in the others is characterized by me repeatedly falling into a panic attack followed by Reborn yanking me back out of a panic attack. It is a vicious cycle and I know that when this is over I am going to need to take Takeshi up on that therapy offer.

Because this is just fucking awful.

My neck still looks like a horror movie make-up even after the Sun Flame infusion. Though I will say it no longer feels like I’m swallowing nails every time I so much as inhale too hard. When I asked him why he couldn’t just keep healing it the whole way his answer was:

“As useful as this ability is, it isn’t exactly healthy to use it to replace the natural healing process of your body. It can have some… unfortunate side effects, particularly if it’s not your primary element.”

“Good to know.”

I am going to add this to my ever-growing list of magic fire-related questions that I am going to ask Reborn when we eventually have our long-awaited conversation.

At some point, someone, who is much smarter than me, had realized that crazy shit was happening in Namimori Middle School and had pulled the fire alarm. Reborn and I watch from our vantage point in the vent as a stampede of students filters out into the halls toward the nearest emergency exit.

My earlier approximation of Bianchi’s victim count doesn't seem too far off. It’s hard to get an exact count of the casualties while I’m crawling through a ventilation shaft and I’ve counted about a hundred and thirty so far. Most of whom are either passed out on the ground or milling about like dazed zombies. But that doesn't take account anyone who is still in the cafeteria.

This situation has gotten very bad, very fast. Having innocent bystanders in the mix isn’t going to help us resolve it either.

Someone needs to get them out of here before they get killed.

Unfortunately, no one seems too keen on stopping to help their fellow students out. Hell, even the teachers that rush past don’t seem too keen on helping their students out.

A quick glance at Reborn tells me that he’s deeply unimpressed by the faculty of our school.

I don’t really have time for a detour, but I can’t really just leave shit like this.

Hopefully, this won’t take too long.

I kick open the nearest grate with much less care than I had the last time and drop down into the hall in front of a group of fleeing students stopping them in their tracks.

“Sawada?”

“Yamada-sempai?

“YO MINI-SAWADA!” Hollers Ryohei, drawing the attention of people in the next prefecture.

“Mini wha- never mind.” I battle through a momentary burst of outrage. It’s only an inch. I am only an inch shorter than Tsuna that hardly calls for ‘mini.’

Reborn chuckles from his place on my shoulder. I decide to be the bigger person and not bring up the fact that he could literally pass as a babydoll.

“Holy shit Sawada what happened to your neck?” Yamada hisses reaching out toward me to inspect the ... injury.

He doesn’t even make contact before I flinch back so hard I slam myself into the wall. My heart is beating like a hummingbirds and my vision starts to tunnel.

“Calm down.” Reborn whispers.

I breathe.

One.

Two.

Three.

I’m going to need to deal with this at some point. Preferably not while my school is under siege by terrifying mafia types. For now, I reach down into myself for that bullshit pool of sass and win that I fucking run on and stare down Yamada and Ryohei and the group of jocks in their gym uniforms that are all standing in the hall staring awkwardly at me.

“Not really the most important question right now dude.” I tell them with all the confidence I can muster, “Especially not where we are surrounded by a fuck ton of unconscious people covered in technicolored nightmare goop.”

They all jump and start looking down at the literal bodies in the ground. I guess no one had been looking down until this point, but that doesn’t really excuse how shitty it is to leave someone when they can’t stand up on their own.

“You’re all big strong beefy types.” I continue looking them all over appraisingly.

There are fourteen of them standing around me. And really when you think about it there aren’t that many unconscious people laying about. It would be a breeze for these athletic physiques.

“Uhhh... what?”

“I need you guys to get all this dead weight out of here before they actually literally die.” I point down the hall at the trail of bodies that leads back in the direction of the cafeteria. The layer of poison wriggling sludge that coats all of them is probably the most troubling aspect of this for me.

“Sawada we don’t have time for that.” Yamada-sempai says, “didn’t you hear the announcement? There’s a gas leak in the school we need to get out of here!”

“And what?” I ask gesturing emphatically to the nearest person moaning in pain on the ground. “They’re just shit out of luck.”

“The emergency workers will-“

“Will do fuck all by the time it actually matters.” I cut him off.

“They’re in trouble now. Right now. And everyone in this city knows that police are useless and the paramedics can never get anywhere fast enough cuz whoever was in charge of city planning was fucking high at the time!”

“ **These are our classmates, friends, and hell if not that they are our fellow human beings and need help so fucking HELP them**!”

And yeah, I’m trying to do the thing. The thing that Reborn inferred that I did to Kyoko and Tsuna yesterday. The thing that I’m not quite sure is a real thing or not but I’m really fucking hoping that it works.

I’m giving them some inspiration.

“LET’S DO THIS TO THE EXTREME!” roars Ryohei bursting with sunshine and sparkles. And like the barbarian he is starts hauling people up and over his shoulders, paying absolutely no mind to his casted arm.

The rest of them spend half a moment staring at him, for ore unleashing their own adrenaline-fueled exclamations of extreme-ness. And then all of them are rushing around the hall picking up the victims of the poison cooking and carrying them toward the exit.

I can’t believe that actually worked.

Never thought I could play a bard in real life.

“DON’T WORRY MINI-SAWADA WE’VE GOT THIS HANDLED!” Ryohei stops in front of me with a mountain of people on his back and a somewhat strained grin on his face. And then more seriously “But if you’re going through the school can you do me a favour and make sure that Kyoko made it out alright?”

“You got it dude.”

And then I start running again. I don't even bother crawling back into the ventilation system at this point. Stealth would be nice, but I'm starting to get the feeling that time is seriously of the essence.

“You need to be careful with that,” Reborn says after a drawn-out moment of silence.

“Yeah, I got that.”

And I do. I really, really do. But there is only so careful I can be if I don't know exactly what I am being careful with.

If he has anything helpful to say on the topic he doesn’t get a chance to say it because we are interrupted by a thunderous roar that shakes the ground and reverberates down the hall. It’s a human voice.

But only barely.

And if I thought that I was afraid before, it was nothing compared to the smothering terror that grips me now. My stomach seizes and my heart rate accelerates.

I crash out on the linoleum hard and scramble desperately toward a wall where, against all reason, I curl myself into a ball in a desperate attempt to protect myself from the crushing presence of whatever the hell that is.

My blood is pounding in my ears.

Heart hammering in my chest.

I’m shaking, shaking, shaking.

Tears sting at the corners of my eyes and a sob rips its way out of my chest. It feels violent. It feels painful.

I can’t do this.

I can’t.

I need Tsuna.

It’s too much.

I’m sorry that I ever thought that I knew what was going on. This must be some sort of punishment. I don’t understand why else this might be happening.

I want to find Tsuna and get him as far away from this as possible.

I want to find these threats and end them as violently as possible.

“Inari.”

I manage to pry open one of my eyes to look into Reborn’s. His small hand rests against my shoulder.

“I am not going to let anything happen to you or Tsuna. You have my word. It’s my job to raise you boys into respectable mobsters.”

I can’t help but giggle at that.

He ignores the rude interruption and continues; “ And I promise you that when I get my hands on the idiot that is responsible for this they will LIVE to regret it.”

“Now get up and get moving Ragazzo.”

Well, I can’t argue with that.

I slowly manage to pull my self to my feet and do as I’m told. Pausing for a moment to readjust the fedora. A hat this cool can’t sit askew.

And then we are on the move again.

I come across a few more students on my way to the science lab and direct them toward my muscle-bound minions who should hopefully still be carting people out of the school.

I don’t find Kyoko or Hana though.

I hope they’ve already gotten out of here.

This whole situation is so fucking crazy. I have nothing to go on except what little I remember of Bianchi’s character profile. If I can even trust that at this point. I didn’t think she would do anything to go against Reborn, what with the logic crippling crush that she supposedly allegedly had on him.

“Please tell me that you didn't actually date her,” I whine without really thinking about the words coming out of my mouth. “Please tell me you have higher standards than ‘that’.’”

I feel him tense on my shoulder.

“Date who?” He asks as nonchalantly as possible.

Though I can still hear the hint of cold calculation in his voice.

Fuck.

I said something I shouldn't have again.

Screw it.

“I mean Bianchi.”

“Bianchi?”

“You know; Hayato’s crazy sister, poison cooking assassin who has taken over our cafeteria as a base of operations. That Bianchi. The one that you were possibly romantically involved with for reasons beyond my mortal comprehension.”

I thought the name would have been pretty self-explanatory. Am I in a crazy alternate universe where Reborn and Bianchi never met?

“Now why would you think a thing like that?” Reborn replies tightly.

I shrug noncommittally and keep on moving. “I don’t know man, I just suddenly knew it. It popped into my brain with musical accompaniment and terror.”

He’s silent for a moment before he speaks again.

“I wouldn't say we were romantically involved. Bianchi has something of a …overactive imagination. We’ve done a few jobs together over the past few years but that was about the extent of our ‘relationship’ as you so eloquently put it.”

“Oh.”

Well, at least that disproves the ‘alternate universe where they never met theory.’ And the whole ‘lovers’ thing too. I don't know why but the thought of them actually being involved irritates me so fucking much.

“So any idea why she decided to attack our middle school?” Because, yes, I am very curious why we have seen the sudden influx of assassin types today. And I don't think the annual hitman convention is being held in town.

There must be an explanation.

“I have some idea,” Reborn says darkly.

“Care to share with the rest of the class.” I say once it becomes clear that he isn’t going to extrapolate.

“Wait until we meet up with the boys.” He replies.

* * *

* * *

When we finally make it to the science wing the halls are vacant. The fire alarm is still going through, but it sounds more distant on this side of the school. I still haven’t heard the telltale sirens of emergency response vehicles which is concerning.

I wasn’t lying when I said response times were bad in this city. But they are not usually this bad. Which makes me think that there might be some interference going on.

The door to the science lab is closed and from what I can see through the small window It has been successfully barricaded with a tower of chairs, a bookshelf, and what looks like a cadaver.

Fucking awesome.

So it’s back into the vents I go. Seriously, at this point, I think I could probably draw a map of our school ventilation system blindfolded. It’s not too hard to shimmy my way up into the ceiling through the exit hatch presents something of an uncomfortable drop.

The second I tumble though into the lab Tsuna has his arms around me in a crushing hug. He is babbling tearful assurances, apologies, and:

“You’re okay, you’re okay, thank god, I thought you were dying. It felt like you were dying.”

I wrap my own arms around him in return and bury my face into his shoulder. It’s stabilizing. I don’t feel like I’m short-circuiting and flying apart at the seams anymore. Tsuna is here, so everything is okay.

I slump more into the hug and feel Tsuna stumble slightly.

“Sorry bro-bro, I’m going to need to lean on you for a minute.”

He doesn’t argue. Just readjusts his footing to keep us both standing.

“I’ve got you.”

We spend the next few moments in silence as Tsuna lets me cry into his shoulder. I don’t know what I would do without him.

When I finally manage to re-center myself I push away from Tsuna and scrub a sleeve across my face quickly and aggressively to wipe away the tear tracks. I angle the rim of the fedora down to shadow my red and puffy eyes.

A pretty crier I am not.

“Reborn what the heck is going on!?” Tsuna demand with a shrill edge to his voice. He turns to look at our tutor who has hopped up onto the table next to Hayato and Takeshi.

Hayato is staring intently at a bubbling beaker filled with electric blue liquid. Takeshi is next to him with safety goggles on and protective mittens on his hands as he holds out two glass containers.

Takeshi isn’t paying attention to the volatile experiment happening to his immediate left though. His attention is fixated on me. And he looks furious.

I flinch reflexively.

Is he mad at me? What the hell did I do?

Is he pissed that I have his bat? He does get a little possessive of is baseball equipment. He can have the bat back. I got it for him.

“Inari... Who did that to you?” He asks vacantly.

Oh… it’s not ‘me’ he’s glaring at. Its the dark ring of bruises around my neck.

I quickly reach up to cover them but its too late at that point.

Tsuna sucks in a sharp breath as he finally noticed what he had been too distracted to before. And while all this heartwarming concern is appreciated we have more important shit to worry about right now than my brief brush with death and my new found fear of asphyxiation.

“See above re-fucking assassins in our school.” I snark in a desperate attempt to diffuse the mounting tension.

“Seriously guys, we have bigger fish to fry than rehashing the less than epic adventure of Inari. We can do that later when we aren’t in danger of dying horrible gruesome deaths.”

I nod my head in Reborn’s direction hoping against hope that he will jump in with an actual explanation regarding our current state of affairs.

“Focus Dame-Tsuna.” Reborn snaps, but it lacks some of the usual bite.

He does manage to divert the attention away from me and my stunning new neck ware which I am extremely grateful for.

“Hey, kid.” Takeshi greets brightly, switching moods so fast that it could give a guy whiplash. “Inari says that you're a professional hitman.”

Or maybe it’s just the fact that situational awareness isn’t Takeshi’s strong suit. Either way, I do appreciate the fact that he is no longer hyper-focused on my whole... situation.

Reborn gives me a considering look before pulling Takeshi’s baseball bat out of my hands and handing it over to him.

“Inari is an honest sort.” He says in lieu of an actual answer.

Takeshi takes the bat gingerly and holds it in one of his mittened hands, making sure not to drop the glass beakers.

Reborn gives us all a look over before clearing his throat and continuing to speak.

“The situation as it currently stands is this: Vongola headquarters has suffered a security breach and some ‘sensitive information’ that should have been available to only a select few individuals has been leaked onto the underworlds information network.”

To say that Reborn looks displeased about this would be a grave understatement.

To say that Reborn looks murderous would also be a grave understatement.

“What sort of ‘sensitive information?’” Hayato asks warily still focusing on his volatile concoction.

“The identity and location of Vongola Decimo.”

We all stare.

“Who?” Takeshi asks.

This is fair because I hadn’t really gotten into the whole title of mafia kingship when I had been giving him the Magical Mafia Cliff’s Notes.

“E-excuse me?” Tsuna squeaks in terror. Because he doesn’t have the same cocoon of ignorance to shield him from the truth of this very dangerous turn of events.

“You heard me.”

“B-b-but that’s ME!” He shrieks

“That also doesn’t really explain the sudden influx of assassins in our middle school,” I interject.

“The price for the head of Vongola Decimo is currently a hundred million.”

…

That is an absurd amount of money to pay for a teenaged mafia don in-training. That is an absurd amount of money to pay for anything in general.

“Who has that kind of money?” Hayato asks faintly.

He has finally lost concentration on the frothing liquids. The beakers have begun to froth over the edges and onto the table where it immediately starts eating away at the countertop.

Tsuna has gone completely offline. He is just sort of standing there staring vacantly into the middle distance mouthing ‘a hundred million’ over and over and over again. I really hope he doesn’t make himself pass out.

On the plus side; at least he’s not a cheap hit. He’s worth those big bucks and he hasn’t even done anything yet. Not that the price makes it better in any way shape or form.

“Her name is Cassandra Della Rosa.”

I don’t know who that is. But judging by the expression on Hayato’s face she is someone important in the criminal underworld. Still a name doesn’t really give me all the requisite information that I need on this person to hate her adequately.

“I don’t know who this person is. We’re going to need a little more context before we are sufficiently intimidated.”

“She was Federico Ferrino’s lover.” Reborn answers plainly.

That name sounds... familiar? Maybe?

“We know that name,” Tsuna says snapping back to reality. His brow is ruffled in intense concentration as he tries to recall where that name had come up before.

“You should,” Reborn nods, “I showed you his picture the day that we met. Well… a picture of his bones at least.”

Oh.

That’s who Federico was.

Vongola Nono’s youngest son. The mand who had been first in line for the position of Vongola Decimo.

Only his bones had remained.

“Oh, so what does she have against Tsuna? He didn’t kill that dude. Hell, we never even met him.”

“She doesn’t care about Tsuna in particular. It’s the head of Vongola Decimo that she wants. Tsuna just happens to hold that title at the moment. Cassandra Della Rosa’s goal is to hurt the Family.”

“B-but why?! If she and Federico-san were l-l-lovers why would she want to hurt his family?!” Tsuna stumbles over the L-word in his hysteria but it doesn’t really make his point any less valid.

Reborn doesn’t say anything for a moment.

“It is something of an open secret that Nono’s sons killed each other in their bid for control of the Family.”

‘It’s too bad that not all brothers share your sense of loyalty.’ Isn’t that what Reborn had told me?

His face is has retained his default neutrality. But there is something else there in the way that he’s not quite meeting any of our eyes.

A dark heartbreak.

One of those dead men had been his student, hadn’t they?

“They killed their brothers,” Tsuna whispers wide-eyed and pale.

Reborn shrugs.

“Fratricide is not exactly an uncommon practice in the mafia, Dame-Tsuna.”

We all stew on that lovely tidbit of information. Today is really drilling home just how brutal the mafia is, and how little I actually understand about any of this. Despite the ‘advantage’ that I have, I am starting to understand how very little I know at all. A story is one thing. Life is something else entirely.

Right now there are hitman in our school that had come here to kill my brother (or me if they all had the same bad info that Mrs. Nakamura, or whoever the hell that was, had). They had come to lay siege to a random middle school in Japan to kill a kid who hadn’t even properly inherited his title yet.

These are actual killers that we are dealing with here.

And then I have a truly terrible thought.

“What about Mom!?”

If they had known enough to come to our school they would have known to come to our house. Where Mom would be alone and defenseless.

“Maman is fine,” Reborn says quickly cutting off the panic spiral that me and Tsuna had been quickly descending into. “An associate of mine is in town and will be looking out for her until this mess is resolved.”

We breathe a collective sigh of relief.

Well, that solves one problem at least which just leaves us with the current issue of being besieged by assassins.

“Um,” Takeshi cuts in with a raised hand and a smile that falls more into the category of terrifying than cheerful. “I’m not entirely sure what’s going on, but the lady who wants to kill Tsuna is in Italy right?”

After receiving a nod he continues:

“So how do we kill her?”

Okay, so, without the filter of the ‘Mafia Game’ the whole ‘Natural Born Hitman’ thing really shines though. It probably says something tragic about me personally that wholesale murder actually seems like the most logical option right now.

Reborn smirks. He seems to like this option as well.

“Don’t worry Takeshi-kun. Headquarters is taking care of that part of our problem as we speak. Which just leaves our ‘infestation’ here in Namimori.”

Takeshi’s smile brightens considerably and he laughs, “Oh, that’s much easier then.”

A pair of safety goggles smacks him hard in the side of the head as Hayato finally explodes.

“Don't be so laid back about it baseball idiot!” He snaps, “Tsuna-sama’s life is on the line here!”

He punctuates his point with a slam of his foot, but this just makes Takeshi laugh even harder.

“Don't worry, Don't worry.” He soothes, “I'm plenty serious. It’s just exciting right?”

Takeshi’s smile then takes on a sharper edge as he continues, “besides Yukimura-sensei mentioned that I should try to find new hobbies.”

“Murder?” Tsuna asks vaguely.

“They started it.” I instantly snark back.

Reborn claps his hands together to refocus the waning attention of his pack of baby assassins. We quiet down and wait for him to speak again. His hands are clasped neatly behind his back and Leon is perched on his shoulder. There really shouldn't be anything threatening about the way Reborn looks.

He looks THREATENING.

Without the hat his hair is wild and there is a manic edge that is shining through those large black button eyes. There is nothing joyful about the smile that pulls across his face. The faint glow from the pacifier around his neck casts his entire visage into dramatic shadow.

He's basically a murder doll straight out of a Stephen King novel.

“Alright, Bambini, get ready for your first practical lesson in Mafia Warfare.”

* * *

* * *

Hayato makes us all goodie bags of destruction. Smoke bombs, flashbangs, knock-out-gas, and honest to god Molotov Cocktails. Mass destruction in a glass beaker (just add fire).

We are one hundred percent going to kill ourselves with this stuff.

It will be glorious.

He disperses them among the four of us at Reborn's instruction.

And then we plot.

“Knowledge is the most powerful weapon that you will ever wield,” Reborn tells us as we commence our round table discussion. “Never rush in blindly unless you have absolutely no other choice.”

He gives me a stern look as he says that last bit. I'm not sure if I appreciate that insinuation. I do have plans… it’s just that most of them are ‘blindly rush in and hope for the best.’

As quickly as we can we go over all we know about our first target.

Poison Scorpion Bianchi; freelance hit-woman. Specializes in poisons and close-quarters combat. A former work partner of our tutor Reborn. Psychological profile: obsessive and volatile. Currently camping out in our school cafeteria; located on the ground floor of the main building with, what we can only assume (judging by what I have already seen of her handiwork while I was crawling through the vents), is a virtually limitless supply of poison soup to drown us in.

Poor Hayato looks profoundly unwell just talking about her. I don't blame him. I’ve only had the briefest of encounters with her ‘creation’ and the thought of it makes me want to throw up. I can’t even imagine what it must have been like for him growing up as the sole target of her ‘creative pursuits.’

She must have been legitimately trying to kill him. I can’t really think of any other explanation of why she would repeatedly feed her brother the poison cooking she would later go and assassinate people with. There is no way she didn't know what she was doing.

But we’re going to table that until we’re done kicking her ass.

“She is dangerous,” Reborn tells us, “and despite current evidence to the contrary she is smart.”

He really isn’t happy with her right now. His dissatisfaction rings out with every frigid word that he speaks.

“What do you think the chances are that she, you know, just killed a fuck ton of our classmates and is currently sitting on a throne of corpses?” I ask tentatively.

The looks of horror and panic that I receive in return are not entirely unwarranted. But I can’t be the only one thinking about the potential body count that we’re facing, right?

“High,” Hayato says.

At the same time, Reborn says, “low.”

They look at each other. Ex-partner vs. Brother/ex-victim; who knows the crazy assassin lady best?

“Her technique is messy and has a wide area of effect, but historically she has kept a relatively low body count when it comes to civilians and bystanders. At most, they will be out with a bad stomach flu.”

Hayato sighs but nods in agreement.

Somewhat upsetting but, not as much as it could have been.

“So how do we deal with her?” Tsuna asks, his voice is wavering with barely suppressed nerves. “I mean, if her favorite weapon is food and she in the cafeteria, that's the worst place we could fight her right?”

“Good observation, Tsuna,” Reborn says.

Tsuna lights up at the genuine bit of praise from our tutor.

“Unfortunately the chances of us rooting her out are slim to none. Which is why we’re going to have to be smart about this.”

He looks us all up and down.

“Two teams, one for assault one for distraction. And Inari and Hayato-kun will need to be on separate teams.”

The two of us share a confused look.

“How come?”

“You boys mentioned that there were two men in green suits. Ones that only you can see?”

Ah, our creepy crawly friends.

“What about them?”

“I'm not fond of uninvited guests and if we are going to be interrupted I would prefer to see it coming.”

That makes sense.

“I’ll be on the assault team.” Tsuna bursts out suddenly.

We all jump and stare at him.

His lips are drawn into a tense line and he is trembling. He doesn't look particularly excited to be volunteering for this job.

“Tsuna?”

“I’m doing this.” He says as he gives me this uncharacteristically severe look.

“Are you sure? You don't look particularly keen to-”

“If I don't do it you will do it.” He cuts me off, “and I really don't want you to do it so I'm going to do it.”

“Okay, okay I got it. Just don't hyperventilate.”

“I’ll go with you Tsuna-sama!” Hayato jumps forth clasping Tsuna’s hands between his own his eyes shimmering with unshed tears of devotion.

“So that leaves me and Inari as team distraction.” Takeshi laughs as he slings an arm around my shoulder. “Sounds like fun.”

Reborn gives us all a nod of approval before jumping up onto Tsuna’s shoulder. He beckons me over with a wave of his hand and I step in. Only to have him swipe the fedora off of my head and place it snugly back onto his own.

For a brief moment I considered protesting, but it looks better on him anyway. And who knows, maybe Bianchi wouldn't be able to recognize him without the signature hat.

“We are going to be utilizing the ventilation system in order to get the drop on her. We will wait for the two of you to start the distraction before we move in for the attack.”

“Have fun crawling thought the vents guys. I’m pretty sure there are plenty of spiders left in there for you.” I say with an exaggerated smile and a wave.

Someone else can have all the fun of getting up close and personal with the school ventilation system for once. Me and Takeshi would be taking the direct route and strolling down the hall, like the nice distractions that we were.

Tsuna just glares at me.

“Stay safe please.” He says and then he hops up onto the table and scurries into the vent.

“You too bro-bro.”

Hayato gives us a quick salute before following him in.

And then there were two.

Tsuna is going to be fine. He has the lord and master of chaos at his side so there is no way he isn’t going to be fine. Me and Takeshi on the other hand, are another matter entirely. I don’t particularly want to go back crawling in the vents again, but I also do not want to run into the scary priest guy or whatever it was that was roaring earlier.

We hadn’t really come up with contingency plans for all the hostiles currently besieging our school. I'm not even sure how many mafia types are currently here either. If Mrs. Nakamura was actually an assassin the whole time there is a chance that the entire faculty is made up of assassins.

An unlikely scenario, but it is a possibility.

Hope for the best, plan for the worst. Isn't that what people say?

If today has taught me anything it is that I need to be more prepared. This isn’t fun and games, this is serious and there are lives on the line.

My train of thought is rudely interrupted by another one of those earth-shaking roars tearing through the school.

If Takeshi minds that I am digging my nails into his arm he doesn't mention it.

“Come on,” I say tugging him toward the maintenance shaft that will take us back to the ground floor. “We better hurry up.”

* * *

* * *

The school has pretty much been evacuated at this point. We do encounter a couple of stragglers though and usher them out as best that we can. We also have a brief run-in with Kusakabe, Hibari’s hulking second in command. He directs our attention to a collection of about fifteen interlopers who have been beaten bloody and duck taped to the walls.

“I had a feeling Hibari would be on the warpath.”

There was never any chance that he would let a literal invasion of his territory go unchallenged. The blunt instrument of destruction and all that. He pretty much only knows how to do the one thing. Destroy the enemy.

“That would be putting it lightly Sawada,” Kusakabe says.

He looks us both over and notices the bruises around my neck, our makeshift implements of war, and raises an eyebrow.

“Your getting in on this?”

“You bet, we’re off to take down one of the mini-bosses now.”

“Uh-huh.” This asshole always looks so unimpressed with me. If I wasn't so busy right now I would teach him a lesson.

“If you happen to run into Kyoya could you do me a favor and make sure that he hasn't gotten himself shot?”

“I’ll add it to the list.”

And we’re off again.

I will say, it is nice to be on the same side as the Disciplinary Committee for once. Para-military regimes made up of juvenile delinquents are actually quite useful when combating actual gangsters.

We haven’t run into Kyoko yet. I'm hoping that she has gotten the heck out of here. Not that I wouldn't love to have Terminator-Kyoko on our side, but I'm not sure if she can summon her powers of sunshine and pain without the help of the Deathperation bullet.

“I always forget that your friends with those guys,” Takeshi comments suddenly distracting me from my train of thought.

“Huh?”

“Hibari and the DC guys. You hang out with them sometimes right?”

“The word you're looking for is enemies. You have to care about people for them to be your friends.”

He laughs like its the funniest joke he's ever heard.

“You care, you wouldn't be so worried about Hibari if you didn't care.”

My entire body freezes up and I stop in my tracks to just glare at him. Yes, thank you Takeshi, I really needed that emotional revelation right now at this moment where there is nothing I can do about anything and everything is terrible.

“There’s no point being worried about that asshole,” I finally manage to say, “He has more hit points than all of us combined.”

Takeshi stops and stares back at me with an easy smile and his arms folded behind his head. If I didn't know him better I would say he isn’t taking this seriously.

“You keep using video game metaphors too. You really are worried.”

“Yes,” I hiss at him, “I'm worried. Of course, I'm worried. In case you hadn't noticed this is a worrying situation.”

I rub absently at the ring of dark bruises around my neck and try very hard not to get sucked back down into the panic spiral. I try very hard not to think about how close I had come to dying. And I try very, very hard not to think about the high probability that we may all still die.

“Sorry, sorry. I'd didn't mean anything by it.” He fidgets with the bat testing the grip and slinging it over his shoulder. “I'm worried too.”

God damn it.

I let out a harsh breath and reach out to grab his wrist. Takeshi has taken this whole mafia and assassins thing remarkably well considering that this morning he had no idea about either of these things. I can’t blame him for being nervous. Hell, I couldn't blame him if he decided to turn tail and run right now.

“Listen, dude, I am like terrified beyond all reason right now. Everything about this situation is fucked beyond belief and I am worried about everyone. I might die, you might die, we all might die. I am terrified. But, I would rather be terrified with you were with me than on my own. And I know that makes me a shitty asshole because a good friend wouldn't want to drag someone they care about into the line of fire with them. So I guess I'm a shitty friend so I'm sorry about that but also not and -”

My developing hysterical rant is cut short by a hand covering my mouth. I squeeze my eyes shut, not really willing to look at him and waiting with bated breath for him to realize what a terrible idea this is and to leave me here alone…

He slowly takes his hand away from my mouth and rests it on my shoulder. And then all my anxiety begins to wash away as a cool calm seeps into me. Steadying the frantic heartbeat that has been hammering painfully in my chest since that ‘Illusionist’ had tried to choke the life out of me.

When I open my eyes all I see is blue.

Oh…

So that's why they’re called flames of tranquility.

“Same,” He says, “to all of that.”

I don't say anything. I just bask in the calming blue glow, the pure chiming of bells, and the beating of a distant drum.

“Now let's go kick this bitch’s ass.”

* * *

* * *

There are two large double doors that lead from the main hall into the cafeteria. They are ever so slightly ajar and pressed outward against their hinges and a thick viscous red sludge is oozing outward.

Well, this looks perfectly welcoming.

I don't know what mad science was used to create this infinitely propagating nightmare ooze and I don't particularly want to know. But I can’t help but wonder; where do all the bugs come from. Is her secret sauce full of insect larva or something?

Gross.

Just gross.

“And why did it have to be maggots?” I mutter morosely to myself.

As carefully as we can Takeshi and I creep into position. Taking care to watch where we step so as not to slip and fall on our assess. I don't really want to get any more up close and personal with the poison cooking than I absolutely have to.

Once I have my back pressed up against the wall and a clear sightline into the cafeteria I pull out my phone and text Reborn:

We’re ready when you are.

I get a response almost immediately.

From Reborn: **We’ll move on your mark.**

And then…

From Reborn: **Remember to use your head brat.**

I take a moment to peek through the crack in the door and get a lay of the land.

And well… It’s bad.

It’s really bad.

I had only gotten a brief look when we were here earlier. But at least then the students in here at least looked conscious. There are just piles of bodies littering the floor.

Reborn's assessment seems to check out though, while this does look like an apocalyptic war zone none of them look dead. And really considering the smell and the bugs unconsciousness doesn't seem like such a bad alternative right now.

And there, sitting in the center of all the chaos is a familiar red-haired woman.

Poison Scorpion Bianchi.

She is perched on top of one of the lunch tables that hadn't been upended. She almost looks like a model… if not for the fact that she had a semi-conscious boy held up by the collar of his shirt.

“We’re going to try this one more time.” She says sweetly bringing him up close to her face.

And then I watch as the gentle smile melts away into an ugly glower and she aggressively starts shaking him.

“Where is Sawada?”

“I don't know who that is!” The kid wails in terror.

She smacks him hard across the face and is wails quiet to whimpers and sobs.

Upon seeing this my own adrenaline levels spike and the crackle of electricity begins to crawl across my skin.

“She’s not very nice is she?” Takeshi whispers from his position at the other doorway.

“Not at all.”

This has given me an idea for a distraction. A really bad idea for a distraction. Reborn had told me to use my head after all.

I step in front of the doors and pull them the rest of the way open so that I am standing in full view. I cup my hands around my mouth and I shout:

“Hey, bitch!”

Bianchi startles and drops the guy as she turns to face me.

“I heard you were looking for me.”

This probably wasn't exactly what Reborn had in mind when he had told me to use my head, but hey, whatever works right?

She smiles.

“There you are Vongola Decimo.” She reaches behind herself and pulls out a plate of something green and bubbling. “Now die like a good little boy.”

The only thing that saves me from taking that plate straight to the face is the literal decade of experience I have ducking out the way of Takeshi’s wild pitches. Muscle memory for the win.

When it splats on to the ground five feet behind me it starts making a hissing sound and I watch in mute horror as it literally eats a hole through the floor.

That could have been my face.

She just tried to melt my face.

Holy shit!

There is crazy and then there is CRAZY and Bianchi has crossed over into the comic book supervillain kind of crazy.

The next two plates come flying at me before I have a chance to move. Lucky for me Takeshi’s reflexes are akin to a God’s.

The bat swings through the air makes contact and sends both death platters flying back her way.

And thus begins a high-velocity food fight of death the likes of which Namimori middle school has never seen before.

I dodge between the doors taunting her.

She throws her toxic concoctions.

Takeshi launches a counter strike sending them back at her.

And then there is a crack of a gunshot.

An explosion of orange flames.

And Tsuna, clad only in his boxers, with Hayato clinging to him for dear life, burst through the ceiling with the fury of his Dying Will. Landing square on top of Bianchi.

“STAY THE HELL AWAY FROM MY BROTHER!” He roars grabbing her and putting her into a headlock.

I don't have long to celebrate Tsuna’s dynamic entry/ moment of awesomeness or the glorious expression of WTF that forms on Bianchi’s face. That sound is back. That ear-splitting scream of electronics followed by the tonal dissonance.

I only have a second to dive tackle Takeshi out of the way before two beams of violent violet light strike the wall where we had been standing.

“I was wondering what those guns did.”

And then there is a sound. Like thousands of glass windows cracking and shattering in a symphony of destruction. I watch in fascination as from the points of violet light embedded in the wall a wall of crystal begins to rapidly grow. Almost instantaneously the walls and doorways are covered in an opaque sheet of violet with jutting spikes and scale-like protrusions.

We're cut off from the rest of our party.

This is probably a bad thing.

“Fascinating.”

The voice that is projected through the suit is stilted and robotic. It almost sounds like it's coming through a vocoder.

Like whoever is speaking is talking through these guys.

The splitting pain that crashes through my skull at this thought tells me that I'm about to run headfirst into a locked plot point. Meaning whatever revelation is about to punch me in the face is going to hurt one way or another.

So, the question is, who is the man in the machine?

“Is it a purely auditory cue that gives them away or is there something else?”

I sit up so I'm half straddling Takeshi and look up at our looming robotic friends.

“Naw, I'm just tuned into your station.” I snark the best that I can from the low ground.

“An irritating oversight.”

“Umm, Inari?” Takeshi asks tentatively, “who are you talking to?”

Right, I forgot he can’t actually see them. I should probably see if I can fix that.

I have no idea what the hell I'm doing. There is every possibility that I'm going to be sitting here looking like an idiot when nothing happens. But, hey, this might actually work and it will be awesome.

Lightning pulses and arcs in my palms and I lunge forward grasping each of them by an ankle. The current unleashes traveling up and across their bodies. They spark and a wave of what looks like television static washes over both of them and then it passes.

They’re both still standing there.

“Oh, there they are.”

I glance down at Takeshi to find him grinning widely at our newly visible friends.

Great, it worked.

I have no idea why or how it worked, but it worked.

“There, now we can all see each other.”

Oh boy, do they look large and imposing from this angle.

“You will make the most intriguing test subject.”

“You'll have to catch me first Mr. Ghost in the Machine,” I challenge like the cocky idiot I most certainly am.

They burst into action with deadly synchronicity. Gauntleted fist swinging down toward us.

They're fast.

But Takeshi is faster.

Their trajectory is knocked off course as he swings the bat in a wide arc above my head catching them both. And just for a fraction of a second it look as if they are caught moving through molasses.

I don't let the moment go to waste. I somersault my way thorough the closest ones legs, hit the wall on the other side of the hall, and use the extra leverage to leap up onto its back.

And I just sort of dangle there, because these things are like seven feet tall.

“That shouldn't be too difficult.” The speaker crackles.

Suddenly, I'm flailing in mid-air as the robot (I am almost positive that they are robots now, arms don't move like that) hoists me off its back by the collar of my shirt.

The world spins as it flings me back over its shoulder and slams me up against the wall of violet virulent crystal. As soon as I touch it it begins to crack and expand crawling over the exposed skin and holding me in place. Pressed this close up I can just barely make out the sounds of explosions and shouting from the other side of the wall.

I hope those guys remember that there are innocent bystanders in there.

“There. I’ve captured you,” It intones flatly. “Reborn isn't keeping up to his usual standards if this is the best you can manage.”

This time there is no thought. No charge. There is just the intense spike of outrage and the accompanying blinding flash of lightning. When I finally manage to blink my vision clear I spot my assailant a twitching mess of fried circuitry broken on the ground.

Ow.

That. Hurt.

The crystal that was holding me in place shatters and I fall to my knees and tuck my hands and arms close to my chest. There is a crushing stabbing pain that is running from my fingertips up my forearms. My skin is hot an red and it feels like the worst pins and needles that I have ever had in my life.

“Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!” I chant.

“To use yourself as a conduit… you’re not very intelligent are you.” It's not a question the way that he says it, it is a statement of fact.

Irritating fucking asshole.

I glare up at where the other one should be standing, and I have to do a double-take. He's not there. There is only Takeshi standing there giving me this very concerned and somewhat exasperated look. The sneaky fuck must have gone invisible again while I was distracted with the other one.

I'm looking around wildly trying to catch sight of it again. When I hear the voice again.

“Idiot.”

And then I focus back in on Takeshi. Or rather, the head that Takeshi has tucked under his arm like a football.

“Like your one to talk,” I snap at the decapitated head. “What made you think this was a good idea anyway? And who the fuck are you?”

The person on the other end of the speaker sighs.

“Honestly, I wouldn't have bothered with any of this nonsense if you lot hadn't interrupted a very delicate experiment last night.”

Last night?

“It was a very inconvenient interruption.”

No way. No fucking way.

“You were working with the Hammerheads?”

The disdainful laughter that comes from the decapitated head makes this whole scene seem way more evil than it had before.

“‘With them’ vastly overestimates their importance. No, I was outsourcing the production of a highly volatile compound to an expendable workforce.”

Ouch, I almost feel bad for those guys. They obviously hadn't known what the hell they were doing.

“What are you, Lex Luthor plotting to take over Metropolis with your doomsday weapon?” I ask snidely.

There is more chuckling projected through the speaker.

“Nothing so extravagant as that.” They say, “and since you are so interested in my identity; you can call me Verde.”

As soon as he says his name I am steamrolled by half-formed memories slamming into my brain. And I remember - green hair, glasses, lab coat, alligator…green pacifier.

Because it was more than just Reborn who had been cursed. There had been more….

There had been seven.

The pain that explodes inside my head as I try to brute force my way to the sealed information is indescribable and is accompanied by bursts of orange light behind my eyes.

I press my aching hands against the sides of my head in a desperate attempt to try to keep my skull from breaking. I try desperately to reach for more information but there's nothing else.

Except the void.

“Whatever you're doing I recommend that you stop. Your heart rate has accelerated dramatically. If you keep this up your going to send yourself into cardiac arrest.” Verde says dryly.

Then it all stops, and I am back in the hall with Takeshi gazing at me with obvious concern. He looks a little banged up himself but nothing too bad. A few scrapes and bruises.

He slowly lifts ups the talking head so he's holding it at eye level and smiles guilelessly into what I now see is a camera where an eye would traditionally be.

“I don't really get what you guys are talking about, are you still going to be trying to kill Tsuna?” He asks, remembering the important part of why we're doing this in the first place.

There is a long pause before Verde answers us.

“At this point, the entire endeavor is more trouble than it's worth.” We hear the sounds of typing come through the speaker before he continues, “Vongola is already acting, anyone who tries to fulfill this contract will be facing quite a bit of trouble. Though that probably won't deter the others who have already arrived in this …. Lovely town of yours.”

“That was a lot of words was there a ‘Yes’ or ‘No’ somewhere in there?”

There is a burst of startled laughter after the words tumble thoughtlessly from my mouth.

“Oh, he must just adore you,” He says. “No, I will not make any further attempts to assassinate Sawada Tsunayoshi.”

“Good.” Takeshi chirps happily and tucks the head back under his arm.

We listen to the sounds of more typing and I start to wonder if Verde has just lost interest in this conversation and forgot to turn off the mic. Is there a way to hang up on our end?

“You should drop the helm now,” he informs us suddenly, “I have set it to self destruct in forty seconds. Once it does the jamming frequency that it is emitting will go down and emergency calls made in the area will go through. Although, I estimate it will be another thirty minutes before the police force arrives.”

Me and Takeshi share a look, turn to the wall of virulent cloud crystals in front of us, back at the robot head, and then nod.

He quickly sets it down at the base of the crystal wall, while I quickly loot the remains of our robotic adversaries. There's not much left of them but the space-age guns they had been toting are still intact so I grab those. And then we scuttle back and duck into the, now vacated, administration office.

“Give Reborn my regards,” Verde says.

There is a drawn-out height pitched whine before the helm detonates. The following explosion shakes the foundations and sends us toppling into each other.

When we poke our heads back out into the wall there are shards of purple class scattered everywhere but mostly congealing and melting into Bianchi’s nightmare in puffs of red and violet smoke.

Tsuna and Hayato are standing in one of the doorways wielding chairs. Tsuna has one raised high above his head, while it looks like Hayato was caught in mid-swing. They had probably been trying to bludgeon the wall from the other side. They are giving us these wide-eyed stunned expressions. We only return the stunned looks and wave weakly at them.

“Hey guys,” I greet with a half-hearted wave.

I'm exhausted.

Today has been absolutely fucking exhausting. I'm about ready for this quest to be over and done with. Verde had mentioned something about Vongola making moves; I hope one of those moves a cleanup crew here to handle the rest of these fucking assassins so that the rest of us go have a four-day nap.

Though I wouldn't trade the sight of Reborn having hogtied and gagged Bianchi for anything. She looks so pissed off, it's hilarious.

But hopefully, the cavalry will arrive soon and she can be someone else's problem. Because I sure as hell do not want her moving into our house.

The three of them make their way out of the cafeteria stepping carefully over the coagulated chemical stew of the poison cooking. And dragging Bianchi straight through it on her face. This ticks off two of our assassin problems from the list. I'm not sure how many more there might be mulling around, but all things considered, we aren't doing that badly.

Of course, just as I have this vaguely optimistic though a high pitched laugh echoes through the long hallway and a long dark shadow is cast upon us. A dark shadow with horns… and a rocket launcher. And a high pitched voice declares:

“DIE REBORN!!!”

As Lambo Bovino, in his cow print pajama glory, fires a rocket straight at us.

“Fucking hell.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And thus the chaos continues....
> 
> Thoughts? Theories? Questions?
> 
> Seriously you guys have no idea how much I love hearing from you, it always makes my day!


	9. Assassin, Assassins Everywhere (Part 2)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We interrupt your regularly scheduled assassins to bring you even more assassins.

Reborn springs into action before the rest of us can even properly react to the incoming projectile. He kicks it away with ease sending it flying past the cafeteria down the hall toward where the principal's office is. The whole thing is executed with such practiced ease that I’m almost jealous.

Mostly, I’m just grateful that we didn’t get blown to smithereens.

Unfortunately, Lambo follows this up with a barrage of grenades raining down upon us. I am so exhausted that I can’t make myself move with my usual level of agility. I just kind of waver there staring up into death.

“INARI!” Tsuna screams at me.

In the blink of an eye, a small (and yet extremely powerful) hand grabs me by the back of my shirt and I am flung straight into Tsuna who takes the full brunt of having a human person slammed into his gut. We end up rolling an extra few feet after the grenades land and detonate.

“Now fucking what?” Hayato hisses.

He has three sticks of dynamite clutched between the fingers of his left hand and in his right hand one of the homebrew creations that he concocted in the science lab.

“I think it’s a kid,” Takeshi says, coming to stand behind him.

The kid in question charges at Reborn and is quickly rebuked. He is sent skidding on his knees across the floor where he tumbles into the wall and starts wailing.

I have been both anticipating and dreading the arrival of Lambo. Ever since I Reborn arrived and I started ‘remembering’ things I knew that this kid was eventually going to turn up. And with him a certain problematic ‘item’ that I am unable to properly think about.

Don’t get me wrong, I have tried to think about it. However, every time I try to think about that particular magic item that the kid has squirreled away in his pocket of extra-dimensional space I end up with a splitting head ache and the taste of grape cough syrup sticking to the inside of my mouth.

I have tried bashing my skull against that metaphorical wall many times trying to brute force my way to the information that I know is just waiting there. Here is what I have discovered in my attempts:

I can think about Lambo Bovino as a person that exists in this world. If I am careful about how I am ‘remembering’ him I can even draw up some important plot points that are associated with him.

I can also think about time-travel as a concept and understand that under certain specific circumstances it is possible in this world. I just can’t think about myself time traveling. There in lies the painful backlash of the paradox.

And I absolutely cannot make myself think about the ‘thing’ that I know he has hidden in his hair. I know that it’s there. I know what it does. But if I try to actively think about it things on the inside of my head start getting a little more fucked up than usual.

I assume it might be the universe trying to keep me from creating a world-ending paradox that would result in the end of space-time as we know it, so I have mostly been okay with letting this curiosity un-prodded.

But now, when I’m actually looking at this tiny kid sniffling on the ground with scraped knees, I’m not thinking about any of that world-ending complicated stuff.

Who’s child is this?

Who let his small child go to a foreign country all by himself with an arsenal of deadly and dangerous weaponry at his disposal?

Why doesn’t this small child have any parental supervision?

I lever myself off of Tsuna and brush past Reborn who has taken an offensive stance in front of the four of us. I take a quick moment to marvel that through all of that he had somehow managed to keep Bianchi ensnared and relatively unharmed.

I kneel down next to the blubbering little boy, and he looks up at me with these big watery green eyes. He looks so sad and fucking pathetic. This kid is five and he is alone. He doesn’t have anyone except us fucking idiots, and he doesn’t even have us yet.

“You okay there kiddo?” I ask him as gently as possible.

He sniffles and gives me the most petulant look that he can muster under the current circumstances.

“Lambo-san isn’t a kid,” he insists with a hiccup, “Lambo-san is five years old and a professional hitman.”

Oh my god, this fucking kid. He’s a bratty little asshole and so fucking adorable in his outrage that it hurts.

“Really?” I ask humoring him. “You must be very strong then.”

Lambo nods excitedly, momentarily forgetting his scraped little knees. “Lambo-san is the strongest!” He declares proudly, “That’s why the boss sent him on this super important mission!”

“That’s very cool,” I tell him mentally promising the boss of the Bovino Family a painful death for apparently sending a literal toddler after the World’s Greatest Hitman.

“My name is Inari,” I introduce myself. “And over there is my brother Tsuna, and our friends Hayato and Takeshi.”

Takeshi waves.

Tsuna and Hayato just kind of stare at me with a ‘why are you befriending the assassin, you idiot!?’ Look.

I hear Reborn’s footsteps as he comes to stand next to us.

“And you already know Reborn of course,” I say nodding toward the master of chaos himself.

Lambo gives everyone curious looks, but he gets a little nervous when he notices the calculating way that Reborn is staring at him. He tries to get back up, but his knees hit the ground and he lets out a yelp and starts whimpering again.

Poor little guy.

“Your a little banged up there buddy,” I say digging in my pocket for the stash of bandaids that I always keep at the ready in case Tsuna needs them. I pull out a handful and find sparkly cartoon dinosaurs looking back at me.

“Look,” I say dangling the glittery adorable dinosaur bandaids in front of his face like a piece of candy, “I have sparkly dinosaurs! Do you want one?”

His eyes light up and he makes a grabby motion toward them.

“Yes! Yes! Yes! Gimme!”

“Alright, show me your knees and I’ll put them on for you.”

“Kay.”

Behind me, I can hear my brother and friends start to crack up as I tend to this bratty little kid. I don’t know exactly what is so funny about this situation. As far as I’m concerned they are all fucking assholes.

“You are surprisingly good with children.” Reborn observes as I expertly stick pink and yellow stegosaurus’ onto scraped knees.

I shrug.

I don’t really know if I am or not. What I do know is that I have a terrible soft spot for underdogs and scrappers. And this kid is both of those things.

“H-h-hey Reborn!” Lambo abruptly greets, “It’s me, Lambo!”

Reborn continues to stare at this tiny little disaster child and for a second I’m almost terrified that he’s going to snub him and then we would have an entirely different problem on our hands. Instead, he starts speaking rapid Italian to him. Lambo blinks at him and responds. They go back and forth for a little bit. During which time Takeshi crouches down next to me with a bright smile on his face.

Tsuna and Hayato are still keeping alert and watching out for enemies that might descend upon us at any moment, which I appreciate. Though I can see Hayato’s ears perk up as the conversation continues.

Lambo says something, and I have no idea what it might have been but the sound of outrage and frustration that Reborn makes leads me to believe that it couldn’t have been anything good.

Reborn pinches the bridge of his nose and turns away from Lambo with a somewhat pained expression. I can only assume that whatever was said was just as ridiculous as one would expect. He actually seems more worn out from this than from the actual assassins that we have been dealing with all day.

“I can’t stand that family,” I hear him mutter before he abruptly re-centers himself and hops onto Tsuna’s head.

“Dame-Tsuna we’re taking the cow with us.” He announces, his tone leaving absolutely no room for argument.

“What!? Why!?” Tsuna asks incredulously. “He just tried to kill us! Doesn’t that me he’s one of the assassins sent here to kill ‘Vongola Decimo?’”

“Bro, he’s like five,” I tell him flatly.

“So?” He fires back. “Reborn is like two and we don’t doubt that he could kill us all in a heartbeat.”

I sigh. There is no point opening that particular can of worms. Instead, I look back down at Lambo who has finally stopped crying and busy being enchanted by Takeshi juggling some spare change. Which I’ll admit is pretty enchanting.

I look at Tsuna who glares back at me in a sad attempt at putting his foot down.

I quirk an eyebrow at him.

The glare wavers.

I flutter my eyelashes at him in my best pretty, pretty please expression.

He looks away.

Victory is mine!

“Fine,” he relents.

“Hey Lambo,” I turn back to our new little buddy with a big smile.

Takeshi has balanced a small stack of shiny coins on the tip of his nose and Lambo is giggling in glee. Seriously, who sent this actual literal baby away?

“We’re on a super-secret, super dangerous mission right now,” I tell him conspiratorially. “Do you think that you can help us out?”

“Why would we need a snot-nosed-“ the rest of Hayato’s outrage is muffled behind Tsuna’s hand.

He obviously knows nothing about dealing with small children.

Lambo doesn’t seem to have noticed though. He leaps to his feet with his hands on his hips and his chest puffed out with all the self-importance that a five-year-old can muster and gives us all a cocky grin and a haughty laugh.

“Of course! Lambo-san is super strong and brave!”

This fucking brat is too fucking cute.

“Good because I’m very scared, so I’m going to need your help.”

“BWAHAHA! Don’t worry Fratello! Lambo-san will protect you from all the bad guys!”

They guys are all trying so hard not to laugh as I beseech this child for his help. Tsuna has one hand clamped over his own mouth and the other over Hayato’s. I hear a small chuckle escape Reborn before he turns away.

Takeshi isn’t even trying to hide his own amusement. He laughs brightly, “What a cute kid.”

A moment later I hear Hayato mutter, “fucking softie.”

I will get him back for that later, when we aren’t all in mortal danger.

“Enough,” Reborn says cutting short our moment of levity. “Focus up boys.”

He hops onto Takeshi’s shoulder as he is the tallest perch among us. Takeshi takes it in good grace. Though the whole picture is kind of weird considering that Reborn is still holding the tether that is keeping Bianchi bound and out of our hair. She is still watching all of us intently though which is uncomfortable.

“We aren’t out of trouble yet Dame-Tsuna,” he warns. “Don’t get cocky because you took down one hit woman.”

He nods his head toward Bianchi glowers at the rest of us the best she can with a gag in her mouth.

“I think we’re at four now actually,” I say absently thinking back on all the fights we’ve had today.

“Hn?”

“That illusionist person, Bianchi, and Verde’s robot dudes,” I list counting them off on my fingers.

“Verde?!” Reborn snaps.

“Says ‘hi’ by the way,” I tell him flippantly as I deliberately miss the point.

I pull myself to my feet and gather Lambo into my arms.

“And that’s not counting all the guys that Hibari took out either,” Takeshi adds. “He’s gotten more points than all of us.”

“At least that asshole is good for something,” Hayato grumbles.

Reborn just stares at me for a moment before he starts aggressively rubbing his temples. There have been so many unexpected surprises for him today. It must be off-putting for someone who is used to dishing out the unexpected chaos not the one on the receiving end of it.

I almost feel bad.

Almost.

As it stands I’m pretty sure I’ve gotten the worse of the beating today, and I’m starting to run a little low on sympathy.

“We’re getting out of here,” Tsuna rules firmly looking around to each of us. Though some of the impact of his conviction is lost on the fact that he is standing around in his boxer shorts.

“You sound confident Dame-Tsuna,” Reborn says.

“Well, the only other thing we can do now is to give up and die,” Tsuna replies. “So we are going to get out of here because I am NOT going to die in this terrible school!”

I can’t help it, I laugh.

“I am right there with you bro-bro.”

“Great...” and then realizing that he is standing in the hall in his underwear, “does anyone have some pants?”

“Dame-Tsuna,” Reborn chides and then throws a randomly materialized gym uniform into Tsuna’s face.

* * *

* * *

I wish that I could say that escaping Namimori Middle School was as easy as walking out the front door. But nothing today has been easy so far. So why would this be any different?

Tsuna takes the lead. The sky flame is burning like an ember on his forehead and his eyes have settled somewhere between their natural brown and the unnatural orange. I’m not sure where he is sitting on the sliding scale of Dying Will Mode, but he has his perception skill turned up to eleven.

Thanks to him we managed to avoid at least six more random encounters with various terrifying-looking individuals. It really is fucking Assassin Con 2002 here right now. I don’t know what message board this Cassandra chick posted her call to arms on but it obviously had a very wide reach. Though I get the feeling that only about a hand full of these fuckers are actually dangerous. Most of them seem pretty... normal.

Well, normal for assassins at least.

“We should try to get out through the teachers parking lot,” he whispers. “It exits right onto 4th and it’s a straight shot to the shopping center from there.”

“We could get lost in Lucky Taro’s Grocery Store for a bit,” I add with a grin. “That place is a warp in space, no one would ever find us.”

The four of us look to Reborn, who is still perched on Takeshi’s shoulder, for the final okay. He is the expert here, and Tsuna’s not even trying to dispute his authority anymore.

He silently regards us for a moment before saying, “You’re certainly not as hopeless as I thought Tsuna.”

We take that as our all-clear to keep moving.

After a couple of minutes I have to haul Lambo up onto my shoulders for s piggy back ride. The pins and needles in my arms have yet to go away completely and my skin has started to sting uncomfortably.

I’m vaguely terrified that I have given myself som sort of nerve damage by using myself as a ‘conduit.’ I’m not sure what Verde had meant about that but the more I think on it the less good it sounds.

Apparently Hayato thinks so too. He falls in step beside me as I, covertly as possible, examine the red and swollen lines across my forearms and palms.

“What have you done to yourself now.” He asks with a hiss of sympathy.

“I’m pretty sure I electrocuted myself,” I tell him blandly.

“Electo- What? How?”

“Magic lighting.”

“What?”

I give him a side long look and shrug the best I can with a small child clinging to my back.

“Dude, as soon as I figure it out I will tell you.”

I can tell by the look on his face that this is not even close to an adequate explanation. Hayato is a man of science, after all, the ‘magic’ explanation must grate on his nerves.

He is about to say something else when he is interrupted by Lambo who has noticed the fun new designs on my arms.

“Fratello, your arms look funny,” he laughs and proceeds to lean over and prod at them.

It takes everything I have to bite down on the inside of my cheek and NOT scream.

The jolt of agony that blossoms at the point of contact is unexpected and has by hair standing on end. I grit my teeth and do my best to maintain a bland smile. There’s no point scaring the kid and string him off crying again.

Hayato obviously does not share my concern. The second he notices the flinch of pain he is up in Lambo’s face with a dark glower.

“Oi cow, don’t go poking at people without their permission, it’s rude.”

I immediately hear the telling sniffles of an oncoming fit and sigh heavily.

“Don’t worry about it Lambo I’m fine, really,” I console him.

This situation is chaotic enough as it is and I really want to avoid tantrum time-travel for just a little longer. I also want to make sure that my brain isn’t going to turn into the singularity when it does happen before hand.

Lambo sticks out his young and waggles it at Hayato.

“Hear that idiota?” He taunts, “Fratello doesn’t mind.”

Hayato’s eye twitches spastically which is somewhat concerning, but mostly hilarious that a kid has managed to get under his skin so thoroughly. That takes talent.

“Relax man, he’s just a kid, he doesn’t mean anything by it.”

I feel, more than see, Lambo making faces at Hayato as we hurry to catch up with the others.

I’m irritated to see that at some point Reborn had allowed Bianchi back the use of her legs. Her upper body was still bound tightly in the Leon cable but rather than being dragged across the ground, she was trotting after Reborn and Takeshi. And thankfully she is still gagged. I don’t particularly want to listen to her mooning after Reborn or antagonizing Tsuna.

As we silently make our way through the school I settle into glaring at the back of her head.

The longer we go without encountering anyone or hearing anything the higher the tension in our group ratchets up. Even Lambo is able to read the general mood and is mostly staying quiet as he clings tightly to my shirt collar.

And then Tsuna abruptly stops in his tracks.

We all freeze in place and stare at him expectantly. He doesn’t really take notice and is staring intently at the empty bulletin board to his left.

“Kyoko-chan....”

An instant later the wall bursts inward covering us all in a dusting of drywall and plaster as the priest that I had seen wandering the halls before comes flying through. He goes headfirst through the opposite wall where he twitches for a moment and then goes completely limp.

“Holy shit!”

We all just stare at the aftermath of this completely unexpected dynamic entry. He isn’t moving. If he isn’t dead then he at the very least is going to have a hell of a headache once he wakes up.

How the hell had that happened though?

Soft footsteps start approaching the brand new hole in the wall and we all turn and gape as Sasagawa Kyoko, bathed in divine light and wielding a broom like a polearm step through.

“It’s bad manners to burst in on the ladies' change-room without knocking first.” She chides his unconscious ass, ignoring the rest of us poor mortals completely.

Tsuna is staring at her with this adorably star-struck expression on his face. I think he is really starting to warm up to his whole, Kyoko is a badass thing.

“Oh, hello Tsuna-kun,” She chirps happily finally noticing us. It’s somewhat disturbing that she can just switch gears like that and go from sending a guy flying through a wall to acting like we are just casually passing each other on the way to class.

“H-hi Kyoko-chan,” Tsuna greets back with a weak wave.

“Sasagawa is a little bit terrifying isn’t she?” Takeshi whispers into my ear with a smile.

“Yes, yes she is.”

I look over the, now unconscious, assassin. He is stuck in there, well specifically his head is stuck in there which is rather impressive in an of itself.

“You sure taught this guy a lesson,” I say.

Kyoko huffs in irritation while propping her free hand against her hip.

“Some people are just so rude,” She tells us. “He broke right into the girls' change room and scared everyone half to death.”

“Everyone?” Tsuna asks anxiously. “Are there still more people in there?”

She shakes her head. “There were about half a dozen hiding in the change room with me and Hana.”

“Hana is still here!?”

“No, she and the others got out through the teachers parking lot while I was dealing with this... person.”

The way she says ‘person’ makes me think that what she actually means is ‘this piece of shit.’

“I told her you boys would explain everything once this is all over,” she directs this at me and Tsuna in-particular.

I don’t know why she thinks we know anything about this FUBAR situation.

“Why us!?” Tsuna whines, because he has always been low key terrified of Hana.

“Well, all of these ‘lovely’ gentlemen have been going around looking for a ‘Sawada’, and since you two are the only ones named Sawada at this school I assumed you would know something.”

“Ah.”

Her logic is sound.

I have no explanation for any of this shit, but I can’t fault her powers of deduction. Even the truth is going to sound like bullshit to Hana though.

“We were heading to the parking lot to get out,” Hayato cuts in. “How’s it looking over there?”

Kyoko shakes her head.

“I wouldn’t. A bunch of black cars pulled in after the girls got out, or else I would have followed them out the first time I knocked him out.”

There are a few concerning bits of information in that statement, but the one that I’m latching on to is ‘the first time.’ I survey the priest who I had assumed was down for the count, What with the massive head trauma and all, and I see his fingers start to twitch.

That sickly off-red flame is starting to swirl around his fingers, and head in the wall or not he is much too close to Tsuna for my comfort.

“Hold him,” I tell Takeshi, shoving Lambo into his arms.

I grab Tsuna by the arm and pull him behind me ignoring his yelp of confusion.

“Reborn!” I call and gesture madly toward the man who is now well on his way to melting the wall.

He swears.

I don’t know what he said because it’s in Italian, but I know what swearing sounds like, and it is definitely that.

Reborn pulls aggressively on the Leon-cable sending Bianchi crashing to her knees as Leon snaps back into handgun form and settles into Reborn’s grasp.

He fires.

The bullet slams into the back of the priests head with deadly accuracy just as he pulls himself free. For s moment he just says there on his knees, ridged and twisting, and I am terrified that somehow he survived that shot.

And then he falls back through the wall limply.

We all breathe a collective sigh of relief.

We do not look at the rapidly spreading pool of blood.

“Was that one of the Sicilian Alliance’s Enforcers?” Hayato asks weakly.

“It was,” Bianchi answers breathily as she pulls the gag out of her mouth. “Poor Antonio didn’t stand a chance against my darling Reborn.”

Hayato flinches violently as she begins to speak and noticing moves back a step.

Yup, she is just as creepy and crazy as she was before. I’m not sure why Reborn decided to drag her along with us on this super fun field trip of death and not, you know, knocked her the fuck out and left her tied up in the cafeteria with an admission of guilt stapled to her forehead. But then I am not the all mightily Machiavellian master of chaos that Reborn is.

So I’m going to trust he has some reason.

But that doesn’t mean that I have to like it.

“Hello Hayato,” She says suddenly turning her attention away from Reborn and focusing on Hayato with a sickly sweet smile pulling across her pretty face. “I had no idea I would be running into my darling little brother. Really it’s been years, you should visit more often - Daddy misses you.”

I would have to be blind not to notice the heart attack she is giving Hayato right now. Tsuna is bristling with outrage, and he breaks out of my hold to stand firmly at Hayato’s side and gives her the best stink eye that he can muster.

There is probably a ‘smart’ response to all of her creepy antagonism. And under less stressful circumstances I would totally put forth the effort to think of it. But right now I want to do the ‘fun’ thing.

Shucking off my shoes, I pull off my socks and wad them into a ball and jam them straight into her irritating smiling mouth. She lets out this glorious shriek of outrage that is muffled by the socks. Really, it’s like music to my ears. She had absolutely no right to be all smug and condescending about anything.

She’s the bad guy.

And more importantly: She LOST.

“Blah, blah, blah, shut the fuck up nobody cares.”

The hysterical giggle that tears itself out of Hayato’s throat tells me exactly how badly her words had been fucking with him. I’m glad I could bring some levity to this otherwise fucked up situation.

Lambo takes this as an emotional cue and starts to laugh along with him.

“Stupid face!”

Bianchi makes a move to rip out her nice new gag but is stopped in her tracks by Kyoko. She deftly grabs both of Bianchi’s arms and twists them up behind her back.

Kyoko is much more competent at this than all of us combined.

“Who is this?” She asks as Bianchi struggles vainly in her grip.

“Uhh-“ Tsuna stares wide-eyed at her. “An assassin?”

He looks a little bit more than a little bit lovestruck. I think he is really starting to like the fact that Kyoko could kick his ass without breaking a sweat.

She huffs.

“Do all assassins have such bad manners?”

“I think it’s in the job description.”

They are adorable.

I look away from their general cuteness and turn to watch Reborn. His posture gradually relaxes into something a little more normal. Leon transforms back into his chameleon form and scurries back up Reborn’s arm and reappears on the brim of his hat.

He strolls over to where Kyoko has Bianchi keeling and restrained and steps in close enough to make eye contact through the curtain of red hair. For a long, drawn-out moment, he just stares at her.

And then a terrifying weight of an unnatural presence surrounds him. The pacifier around his neck lights up.

As do Leon’s eyes.

“Bianchi,” he begins, his voice light and casual. “You can attribute the fact that you continue to draw breath to our past partnership. However, do not think that I will keep extending this mercy if you continue to fuck with me or my kids. If you utter another word that is not extremely helpful. If you so much as twitch in a way that is even remotely threatening you can consider this mercy forfeit.”

Well... damn.

I don’t think I’ve ever heard Reborn say ‘fuck’ before.

Somehow, it's scarier when he says it.

We all watch with bated breath as he and Bianchi have their intense staredown. Tsuna has gone completely ridged as he watches Reborn intently. His eyes have turned a vivid shade of orange.

I don’t know if it’s because he’s super freaked out, or if its because he is in the midst of having some sort of ‘realization of a great truth.’

I’m just caught up in how cool Reborn looks right now, even in his cursed baby form. It’s no wonder why he was able to inspire so much fear and respect in the mafia, even when like ninety-eight percent of them have no idea that he is actually an adult man.

“Capire?”

Bianchi is absolutely still, and then she nods slowly.

“Bene,” he says, tapping her gently on the cheek before walking out of her visual range.

“Dame-Tsuna,” he calls out as he reaches into his jacket for something.

“Yes’sir?!” Tsuna squeaks, snapping to attention.

A second later my brother is fumbling to catch a role of lime green duck tape that our tutor throws his way.

“Make yourself useful and make sure she is well restrained this time.”

“Yes’ sir!”

He springs into action working with Kyoko to make sure that our prisoner (?) won't be going anywhere in the near future.

“It doesn't look like we’ll be leaving through the parking lot anymore,” I say trying to steer us back on topic.

We will have plenty of time to marvel at Reborn’s badass-ness later.

“Which is a shame because I think Lucky Taro’s is having a two for one special on bubble tea today and that would have worked out pretty good for us. Now we’re going to have to go by the ‘worst route possible’ - the sports fields.”

Everyone pulls a face at this declaration. Because running through a large wide-open space is the stupidest plan ever when trying to avoid multiple hostiles with firearms. I am desperately hoping that someone has a better plan than this.

“Unfortunately,” I continue because I am fairly sure that if I stop talking at this point I am just going to dissolve into another panic attack. “I don't think we have a cardboard box large enough or inconspicuous enough for all of us to sneak out under. Which means that this is probably going to be a fight… again. Not that I’m not totally down for another fight, but today is getting a little long and with the amount of stuff that we've already done I'm not sure that-”

“Ragazzo,” Reborn cuts me off mid-monologue.

“Mmhmm?” I squeak.

“Relax.”

“Kay.”

I close my eyes and take three deep breaths.

A hand rests on my shoulder.

A familiar hand.

The most familiar hand.

I open my eyes and meet an identical set gazing into mine.

“Hey bro,” Tsuna says wryly.

“Hey.”

“You okay.”

“Nope,” I pop the ‘p’ sound.

“Yeah, me neither,” he agrees. “But well have time to panic and cry once we get out of here.”

He reaches out and grabs my free hand in his and squeezes it tightly. Somewhere in the distance, I can hear the somewhat inexperienced trumpet of a bugle horn. It is so out of place and yet it’s the somehow it's the most familiar sound that I have ever heard.

And then I realize…

Oh, that's you isn’t it Tsuna?

A call to arms sounding clear through the panic. I take another breath and shut my eyes again listening closer, and I can hear the drum again. The somewhat manic rhythm of a snare drum that playfully beats alongside the horn egging it on to get louder and more confident.

And it’s me.

It’s such a familiar song. Each note is accompanied by a flash or orange burning behind my eyes and the sensation is painful in a distant sort of way. This isn’t a pain that I am going to bend to. This is too important.

So I listen, concentrate, and remember.

Two small boys running up a flight of stairs to answer the call of a much beloved voice.

And then the rest of the memory burns as I try to chase it.

I blink my eyes open.

Tsuna is still there gripping my shoulder.

“You still with me?” He asks.

“Always.”

* * *

* * *

Our group is too big to try for stealth anymore. Now we are going more for an expeditious retreat while avoiding as many of the hostiles as we possibly can. Tsuna has taken point and is doing his best to lead us through the winding halls without too many encounters.

There are a few though. But our group deals with them pretty expertly. My favorite moment was when we managed to get the jump on a group of them and Kyoko and Takeshi did this awesome combo attack; where she used her expert broom handling skills to smack them all up between the knees and Takeshi followed up by clobbering them all across the back of the head with his bat.

Lambo has been having the time of his life. I don't think he really understands what's going on, which is probably a good thing. If he did actually comprehend how much trouble we are in it would be much harder to keep him calm.

Well, some sort of calm at least. Somehow he had gotten shuffled into Hayato’s care. Those two play against each other like a well-practiced comedy routine which is amazing in its own right. and it's keeping Hayato’s attention off of Bianchi which is also helpful.

I’ve noticed something concerning as we’ve been going through. I'm pretty sure we've all noticed it at this point.

We’re being herded toward the gym.

All other paths out of the school are being guarded. All other hallways are blocked off. Most of my favourite access panels into the ventilation system have someone posted in front of them.

And the vast majority of the mobsters that we've been seeing now are all sporting the same insignia somewhere on their getup.

A dagger and a rose.

I'm going to take a wild guess and say that Cassandra Della Rosa hadn't entirely trusted that random criminals answering her job posting would be able to get the job done. I get the feeling that she sent the bulk of her own personal forces to make sure the job got done.

This woman doesn't want anything from us.

There is nothing that we can say or do that will de-escalate this situation. There is only one thing that she wants and that is Vongola Decimo dead. She wants Sawada Tsunayoshi dead…

Though going by the information that I have gathered I don't think that the name they got from Vongola HQ is Sawada Tsunayoshi.

It’s nice to know exactly what the old man thinks I'm good for.

I’ll make sure to return the favour next time he comes home for a visit.

It doesn't really make much of a difference at this point anyway. We have all been spotted now. And I don't think they are all collectively stupid enough not to have noticed the whole ‘twins’ thing. Me and Tsuna might not be identical but we are pretty damn close. Close enough that they have probably realized that something is fishy with their orders.

By the time we’re standing in front of the gymnasium doors, the enemies have started to close in on us. There are a lot of them coming out of the woodwork now.

We press close together as we turn to face them.

“Cover me,” Hayato whispers.

We shift as unnoticeable as possible to allow him to slip into the center of our defensive conglomerate with Lambo still firmly attached to him. He starts shifting slightly with something underneath his blazer and I am abruptly reminded that, oh, yeah, Hayato wears explosives and other fun area effect weapons under his clothes.

I resolutely ignore what he's doing and focus my full attention on the man who is now approaching our group.

A spokesman or general. I can’t really get a read on any hierarchy that these guys might have since they are all dressed in the same black on white get up. I'm going to assume that since he’s stepping up he has at least some sort of rank in his criminal order.

“Reborn, how nice to see you again,” He speaks with a drawling accent and focuses in on Reborn who is lounging comfortably on my shoulder. “Though you have a great deal more useless baggage attached to you this time. How’s about we help you out with that.”

By which, I infer, he means ‘look the other way while we kill these kids.’

Yeah, I don't think he actually knows Reborn so well.

“I don't think so,” Reborn says steadily.

The man blinks at him in incredulity before bursting into humourless laughter. I feel as everyone tenses up. Tsuna has one of his hands gripped into the back of my shirt, Takeshi and Kyoko tighten their holds on their makeshift weapons, and I hear a quiet ‘tink-tink’ sound as Hayato continues to work at a furious pace behind me.

“Still funny,” The laughter finally dies down and he steps a few paces closer. “Kiddos this guy here has always been such a fucking riot, and that's not counting how fucked up he looks either.”

I bristle at the complete lack of respect and feel a surge of the static run up my arms. I’ll admit that the only thing that is keeping me from flying off the handle is the sharp tug Reborn gives to the back of my hair.

I settle for glaring at him and mentally willing him to spontaneously drop dead.

“The ‘Worlds Greatest Hitman,’” he mocks, “It looks like your slipping a bit considering that we got the drop on you. You should have heard the way that Bruno was shitting himself when you first showed up. He called up the Lady, we hadn't even known he was over here watching those brats, he was so sure that you were going to figure him out and shoot him in the head. But it looks like you and Vongola both still have that problem spotting Mists.”

“Well, I did shoot him in the head.”

They are talking about the individual formally known as Mrs. Nakamura. I guess his real name had been Bruno… that whole situation is still giving me the worst feeling inside.

“That you did. Poor fucker. But hey, you did me a favor because now I don't have to pay that ugly fucking Estraeno ass.”

“If you have a point I would appreciate it if you got to it,” Reborn counters. “I don't have all day to spend listening to the monologuing of no-name riffraff.”

The look of outrage on the guys face is priceless. I can’t help but chortle as I realize that all this time he's been talking to Reborn like he knows him personally. And Reborn has no fucking clue who the hell this asshole is. This isn’t him being fastidious or anything, he honestly has no clue.

It’s hilarious.

“You're such a cocky prick,” he mutters once he's gotten himself back under control. “Its time someone knocked you down a peg.”

He reaches into his jacket and pulls out a gun and levels it at my head. He takes there long strides and suddenly the barrel is pressed against my forehead and I hear the distressed exclamations of my brother and friends around me.

I am really getting sick of people shoving guns in my face.

“Fratello?” I hear Lambo whisper from behind me.

I’m sick and tired of these assholes in general.

“We’ve got you beat. You’re surrounded you dumb fucks there is no getting out of this. I don't care how good you might think you are there is no escaping from this. I am going to shoot this unfortunate fucking kid and his face and drag his corpse back to Roma where I will gladly tell the lady that the Vongola has suffered another tragic loss. And there is nothing that you or any of these fucking brats can do about it!”

I hear the click of the safety.

My brother's harsh cry of “Wait!”

And then I hear Lambo wail.

“What the fuck-” The random mobster on stage left doesn't have a chance to finish his thought because in an instant the entire area is consumed in an explosion of pink.

Reborn takes this moment to grab me roughly by the collar of my shirt and send me careening into Tsuna and sending us both crashing to the floor. A second later there is a shot.

A wet gurgle.

And a thud.

I'm not paying attention to any of that anymore. Because Lambo had used THE THING. I'm fairly certain that everyone is just confused about where all the weird cotton candy pink smoke had come from. I hear Hayato yell, “Fucking Cow! What the hell did you do?!”

Meanwhile, I am busy staring into the gaping maw of the universe as my brain turns itself inside out with remembering and forgetting and infinite possibility and probability. It's many armed and many-eyed incarnation of madness staring back into me an laughing.

I just barely manage to keep myself standing.

“My, my,” a deep voice cuts through the chaos ringing though my head. I stare up through the clearing smoke and see a familiar face. “What sort of trouble has little me gotten himself into now?”

“Who are you!?” Tsuna shrieks in anxiety and confusion. He has me clutched protectively in his arms as we both gaze up at-

Lambo.

Ten years later Lambo to be exact.

His eyes light up as he looks down at us. “Hey boss,” he greets with an easy smile.

“And Fratello too.” He continues, “ I was wondering when little me would be running into you guys. You two look like a mess. Is there anything I can help with.”

I have no words. I just keep staring at him. My brain is still trying to reorder the universe and has taken all other functions offline. Tsuna doesn’t seem to be doing any better. He just lets out a long, ‘Hieeeee!’

“Um, I don't know what's going on here, but we are still surrounded if you want to help with that,” Kyoko says pointing over Lambo’s shoulder to the swarm of gun-toting gangsters wearing suits.

“Ah, yes, I can see how they might be a problem.” He fishes around in his pockets and pulls out a set of copper horns which he deftly attaches to his head. “Hey, hey, Fratello look at how cool I get in ten years.”

And he charges forward with lightning sparking at the horns.

“Who the hell is that!?” Hayato demands, gesturing madly with the stick of dynamite in his hand.

“Lambo.” I answer blandly staring intently after him. He had asked me to watch after all.

“Lambo is a baby,” Tsuna says flatly.

“Yes, and obviously time-traveling witchcraft was used to switch baby Lambo with Lambo from ten years in the future.” I watch as he changes into three of the gangsters electrocuting them with a blast of green lightning gathered between the horns.

It is pretty damn cool.

I am also going to assume that, that is what Verde had meant when he had mentioned a conduit.

“…What?” Tsuna looks so very lost.

“We should probably help them out, right?” Takeshi asks with a dangerous smile.

I reach up and hand and he drags me up to my feet, “yeah, we can't let those to have all the fun.” I say nodding toward where Reborn and Lambo were making there way through the crowd of gangsters.

At some point, Lambo had realized that Reborn was there and was now in the midst of antagonistic jibes as he attempted to show him up. Reborn was taking it in stride, by which I mean he is completely ignoring Lambo and demonstrating his own proficiency with firearms.

Tsuna sighs, “He called me boss didn't he?”

“Yes, yes he did.”

Me and Hayato stoop down to haul him to his feet and he gives our ragtag group of idiots a solemn once over before the small ember of sky flames that had slowly been burning out on his forehead reignites in a blaze.

“Okay,” he declares. “Let’s do this.”

Kyoko shoves Bianchi to the ground and out of the way and twirls the broom in her hands. It has been a surprisingly effective and durable weapon throughout this event.

“We have your back Tsuna-

Hayato starts us off by lobbing a shower of dynamite down on the sea of dumb-asses in suits. I just barely catch a glimpse of the blue vile that is thrown into the mix.

“Brace yourselves,” he says.

There are multiple detonations followed by screams and swearing. And then a blue haze begins to rise from the ground and we watch as a dozen or so just drop.

“Ha! I have been waiting to do that!” Hayato crows in pride.

“That was cool.”

Takeshi rushes past me while I am momentarily distracted by the awesomeness of science and slams his bat into the midsection of a rushing gangster with such velocity that the man flips in mid-air and lands flat on his face.

“That was also very cool,” I mutter to myself as an all-out brawl erupts around us.

The enemy converges upon us from all angles. At first, I thought the fact that there were like fifty guys to take on a handful of teenagers was overkill. But most of these guys are going down easy. I think they went more for quantity than quality when hiring their legion of doom. None of them are even lighting up with anything looking like Dying Will flames.

It's an army of minions.

That and I'm pretty sure that we have all leveled up like crazy throughout this side-quest.

Somewhere through the noise and confusion, I hear someone screaming into a radio receiver, “We need back up here now! Get those doors open!”

I whirl around the face the gymnasium doors, cold clocking one baddie across the jaw as I do so and sweeping the legs out from under the other. It’s only now that I notice the commotion that is coming from behind the door.

Sounds of combat.

A strangled scream cracks through the radio.

“What the hell is going on in there!?”

There is a heavy impact on the other side of the doors. And another. And another.

For a moment everything stops and everyone left standing on our side of the divide is holding their breath. Then a body flys through and skids across the floor and comes to a slow stop at my feet.

And, there, standing in the doorway with a backdrop of carnage behind him is a god damn cave troll.

“Trespassers will be bitten to death.”

By cave troll, I mean Hibari Kyoya of course.

“WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THESE KIDS!?” Screams one of the ones who have yet to get knocked the fuck out.

I turn and give him the biggest possible smile I can manage. It’s pretty damn big considering that Hibari is standing directly behind me dripping with the blood of our enemies. It's really nice to have a monster on the team.

“Welcome to Namimori!” I call. “We’re the fucking Neighbourhood Watch mother fucker!”

With that, the last of them are dropped and the lot of us are left standing around on a pile of unconscious bodies.

“Boss, Boss, Boss!” Lambo calls crowding in on Tsuna with a big smile on his face. “Did you see how many bad guys I took out?!”

“Ahh~”

It’s good to know that even as a teenager he is still a brat. It is also good to know that I am not going to drop dead with the odd occurrence of time travel. Although, I don't really understand what I ‘saw’ (nor do I particularly want to).

“Sawada,” Hibari materializes in front of me with a murderous look on his face.

“No, shut up,” I already know where he is going to go with this and just NO.

“You cannot blame this fuckery on me. This fuckery goes so far beyond my mortal capabilities.”

His eyes narrow further.

“Tetsuya is worried about you,” I inform him abruptly.

I'm hoping that changing the subject will make him slightly less murderous in my general direction. It seems to work. The tonfa is lowered and his posture relaxes ever so slightly.

“Hn.” He kicks over the nearest body, which groans in pain. He rummages around in the coat pulling out a passport, some cigarettes, and rips the insignia pin off of the lapel.

“Herbivorous scum.”

I watch as he casually walks back through the gym doors, back to his masterpiece of violent indulgence. Seriously, there must be at least a hundred gangsters in there and they are all down for the count.

Tsuna shrieks and I refocus my attention back on him in time to catch Reborn kicking him in the back of the knee over some sort of transgression. Lambo has returned back to his five-year-old form and is now snuggly in Kyoko’s care. They are both laughing at whatever ridiculous thing Tsuna said to bring Reborn's wrath down upon him.

Hayato seems to have the same idea Hibari did and is picking through jacket pockets looking for anything particularly interesting.

“I'm really glad that Hibari is on our side,” Takeshi comments as he comes to stand next to me.

“He's a god damn cave troll is what he is.”

He laughs.

Everyone's mood seems to have brightened considerably. There aren't any more assassins coming at us (yet) I'm not sure if there are even any more in the school.

And yet I can’t shake the feeling that we aren't out of the woods yet. I want to believe that it had actually been this easy. The final boss is down for the count, time to go home and eat some cookies.

No, considering everything that has happened today, it doesn't feel like we've cleared the level yet. We still need to escape after all.

I have a really bad feeling still.

It’s been nagging at me for a while now. Since I started hearing those bellowing roars. At first, I thought it might be some weird intimidation tactic one of these assassin guys was using. But, no, none of these guys seem to be proficient in fire magic. Certainly not enough to create a presence as terrifying as the one that I had felt earlier.

There is more too.

Now that there are fewer people moving about I am certain that I can ‘hear’ it. The cracking of glass. It sounds like… well, it sounds like the wall of crystal that Verde’s robots had created with their sci-fi ray guns.

Speaking of which, I still have those don't I?

I fish the less charred one out of my pocket and look it over. There are a few knobs and dials along the exterior, a small LED display that shows energy levels and frequency? Not sure what that is. The chamber is illuminated in a quickly draining violet light.

I hold it up to my ear, ignoring the questioning noise that Takeshi makes, and listen. It makes the same sound. Quieter though and getting fainter with each passing moment. Whatever else is here it is somehow connected to Verde, which is concerning.

When I grip it properly the screen starts flashing.

**Recalibrating frequency**

**Error 005**

**Recalibrating frequency**

**Error 005**

**Sub-Frequency Routine Engaged**

**CONTROL**

**Calibration...**

**FULMINE**

**Charging sequence initiated**

I feel something prick into my hand and I do my best not to react. I'm pretty sure that if anyone realizes that I'm screwing around with potentially evil technology I am going to get so many disappointed looks.

It continues on for a few beats before the screen flashes again.

**Charging sequence completed**

I watch as the chamber that had previously housed a dying violet light is filled with a vivid green. And listening now I hear that same rhythmic beating of a snare drum.

I hear something else too.

Footsteps.

The staggering footfalls of something massive and getting closer.

“What's wrong Inari?”

I look up from the ray gun and meet Reborn's eyes.

I don't have a chance to answer.

I am interrupted when the exterior wall of the gymnasium is slammed inward as something outside lashes out with a titanic force. We all freeze and stare as the wall starts to crack and crumble.

A second blow comes and this time a massive, misshapen arm punches its way through it is covered in jutting purple crystals that have broken through the skin and seem to have taken root within the musculature.

That horrifying roar sounds again. Only this time I don't freeze up. This time my legs carry me forward into the gym to face whatever it is that has come for us now, ignoring the panicked calls of my brother and friends behind me.

I'm done with running. Done with hiding. We are getting out of here. I don't care what I have to break my way through. We are getting home.

The wall shatters completely to reveal the monstrosity before us.

It had probably been a normal human once. But now its body was enlarged grotesquely and disproportionately. There were cloud flames running under its skin. With each flash, another tumorous crystal would swell and jut forth. It must be unbelievably painful because every time it happens the monster before us roars and wails.

There are another two dozen suits standing behind it. All of them have that same Rose and Dagger insignia on them. All except one very tall, a gaunt woman wearing large wireframe glasses.

With rows of stitches across her face.

And she stares at us in vacant intensity as the thing at her side screams in pain.

“Gregori fetch,” She speaks in a cold emotionless voice, uncaring, unfeeling.

**Dead.**

The monstrosity bellows again and lumbers for on an unsteady gait.

**That woman is dead.**

I don't know how I know it but I can feel it in my bones she is dead. There is nothing in there. It is a walking corpse.

That man who had been mocking Reborn back there. He had said a name. I had been too pissed off at the time but now it is ringing clear as a god damn gong.

Estraeno.

That's a familiar name that has some pretty heavy plot connections. I really wish I wasn't about to get run over by a stampeding monster so I had time to actually think about the ramifications of it but, oh well.

I raise up my stolen ray gun and take aim. The chamber is pulsing with an ecstatic green light and the thrumming of a heavy drum beat. I know beyond all shadow of a doubt that this is going to work.

I pull the trigger and a streak of lightning blasts through the room colliding with one of the monster's legs. It shatters and the entire thing stumbles barely catching itself.

I can see from here that the leg is already starting to reform itself. Cloud flames property is propagation so my guess is that if we want this thing to stay down we are going to have to shatter it completely. Which is easier said than done.

Hibari leaps past me. Taking advantage of its momentary weakness and jamming the tonfa into its elbow with enough force that the entire arm cracks and pieces of it begin to shatter off. He doesn't give it a moment to recover continuing on with his relentless strikes.

Bullets whiz past my head as the suits outside start firing on us. Because apparently sending a giant crystal golem that can infinitely repair itself after us isn't overkill. Return fire comes almost instantaneously as Reborn rushes past me gun raised and pacifier burning with intense yellow light.

Tsuna rushes up to my side, and much to my confusion he swings a wild punch at what looks like thin air.

I am even more confused when he actually collides with something and in a flash of indigo the corpse woman who I was certain was still outside. I glance back to the gaping hole in the wall and see the rest of our crazy band of idiots rushing through with a hale of explosives and makeshift weaponry to take on the last of the assassins besetting Namimori Middle-school.

I make eye contact with the corpse woman and I watch as milky white eyes shift and suddenly I am looking into the very distinctive heterochromatic blue and red.

Fuck.

Fuck, fuck, fuck.

The image wavers and dissipates into nothingness.

A knife flashes through the air aimed at my brother's head, as another corpse woman appears. Without even looking back Tsuna catches her wrist in mid-swing and his hand ignites in a blaze of Sky Flames.

I'm tackling the illusion? Duplicate? Identical twin? Faster than I can even process slamming into the floor with lightning crackling at my fingertips again. The ray gun is forgotten somewhere at my feet. Its power is drained again and I don't have the time or inclination to charge it.

So I focus on the feeling, the sound, the frequency, and I brace myself for pain as I unleash a current of electricity from my hands like a fucking Sith Lord.

The illusion shakes and shutters and then dissipates.

I turn back to Tsuna as fast as I can. He's standing over the corpse woman. The real one, considering she is unmoving on the ground. He is giving her this extremely intense look. He has truly entered Hyper Dying Will Mode now. I can remember him like this. It’s different up close and in person.

If it was anyone else I would say that he almost looks frightening like this. Enraged and wreathed in flames. But all I can feel in this moment with him next to me is safe and calm.

Like everything is going to be okay.

And then the monstrosity formally known as Gregori roars shattering my moment of serenity.

I try to turn my attention toward it but even the slight turning of my head sends the world spinning on its axis. Everything is starting to fade at the edges and grey out.

I'm tapped out, done, I've got nothing left.

Hibari is still hacking away at the monster and not really getting anywhere other than maintaining the status quo. Most of his energy is being spent on dodging around the wild swings of its arms.

Reborn is alternating between taking shots at our crystalline assailant and making sure that Kyoko, Takeshi, and Hayato aren't killed outright. I know I should go an help them, do something useful other than sitting here on my ass, but my arms have gone numb again and my legs flat out refuse to move. This is going to be problematic in a moment because the monster has started to use its free arm to claw its way closer to where me and Tsuna are.

I guess it still intends to fulfill that last order even though its master has been defeated.

The flames on Tsuna abruptly flicker and die out and he crashes down next to me cradling burnt hands close to his chest and hissing in pain.

“Ow, ow, ow, ow ow!”

“Y’kay?” I slur.

“No!” He snaps with tears gathering in his eyes. “I set my hands on fire.”

“M’gic fire.” I giggle stupidly.

So we sit there pressed together side by side and watch as the beast claw its way closer, and closer, and closer. I am distantly aware of Reborn screaming at us both to move our asses out of the way but neither of us has that kind of energy anymore.

And then it stops.

It begins to convulse violently. Shaking and shivering and bulging unnaturally.

Violet flames burn off rapidly flying away and scattering into the air. The crystalline growths that had mostly overtaken the entire organic base begin to slorp out as the entire construct begins to collapse in on itself. It is horrifying to watch. It’s screaming in pain right up until the crystals that had been holding its throat and jaw together fall apart leaving us looking at something at we know is screaming but can’t make a sound.

We watch in mute terror as it slowly, slowly dies.

And the terrified voice of a child calls out, “Mommy?” Before it falls to pieces.

The last things I see before falling into unconsciousness is Trident Shamal steeping through the hole in the wall with Hayato slung over his shoulder, and Reborn rushing toward the two of us.

I collapse into Tsuna, and I know no more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And thus brings an end to what I am calling “The Siege of Namimori Middle School Arc.” 
> 
> That was a wild ride away from canon. 
> 
> Please let me know what you thought in the comments :)
> 
> I’ll be back next week with the next instalment in this crazy story.


	10. Maybe You Should Talk to Somebody

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It’s not something that you can just slap a bandaid on to make it all better.

Well.... we lived.

Somehow?

When I actually take the time to mull it all overall I can think is: ‘we should be dead.’

There is no way that a handful of idiot teenagers with no formal combat training should have been able to survive against a siege of professional killers. Somehow we had though. I’m going to chalk it up to Reborn, and his bizarre talent for warping the rules of reality, coming to our rescue. Because, really, we should all be dead.

Or, at the very least, I should be.

If Reborn hadn’t shown up when he had there is no way that I would have survived that first encounter. And then I would be a ghost and not just suffering the aftermath of strangulation, concussion, electrocution, and absolute god damn exhaustion.

Yeah, I fucked myself up real bad. But plus side; not a ghost. And Tsuna isn’t a ghost, and none of our dumb friends are ghosts either. I am seriously questioning their self-preservation instincts, but at least they aren’t dead.

After Shamal, and the reinforcements that Vongola managed to round up on short notice turned up, things had moved very quickly. I don’t remember much of what happened, what with the unconsciousness and all, however, I do remember being tossed in the back of a van and the look of panic on Reborn’s face as he tried to snap me back to reality with sunshine magic.

And then nothing.

It had been nothing for a good long while.

There were flashes though. Takeshi’s voice. Tsuna and Lambo snuggling up next to me me. Mom singing as she pets my hair.

Reborn hushing me back to sleep when I woke screaming from a nightmare.

There had been so many nightmares. The ones that stuck out most though were the ones where a heavy body presses me now against a desk and big meaty hands clamp around my throat cutting off my airway. And no matter how much I would trash I couldn’t get them off. And this time Reborn doesn’t show up to save me, so I die and I die and I die and die.

I don't understand dreams.

I don't understand nightmares either.

It feels like there is a breach in my mind. A tear for the monsters to claw their way through. 

And I am left staring into the dissolving face of a monster that had once been a child screaming desperately for its mother.

Interspersed in all of that are memories. Memories that smolder with orange fire at the edges and they burn away with painful flashes. I don’t manage to hold onto much. Two things.

A word and a boy.

**Arcobaleno.**

And...

**Rokudo Mukuro.**

Neither of which I have the energy to deal with right now.

It’s been four days since all of that happened, apparently. I have slept through most of it. I scared the shit out of Tsuna and Lambo when I bolted up, flipped myself out of bed landed on my face, and started cursing up a storm.

I have never been fussed over so much in my entire life than I have been in the past hour. This is including the five days I spent in the hospital... which was just a couple of days ago.

Now that I think about it that’s probably why there is all the fuss.

Oh well, we get pancakes and espresso out of it. Made with love from Mama despite the fact that she was awoken at three in the morning by the sound of her children screaming.

Now, I am attempting to mimic Tsuna’s fork holding technique in order to consume said glorious pancakes. We seem to have both come down with s terrible case of mummy hands (and arms in my case). He is decidedly better at this than I am. At the very least he is able to grip the fork and pilot pancake into his mouth.

I have dropped this fork like six times. I can’t even manage to grasp it. If this goes on any longer I am going to forgo table manners completely and just mash my entire face into those pancakes.

I carefully press the fork between both my hands and move carefully toward the stack of pancakes. Just as I am about to pierce down into the sugary breakfast treat the offending utensil slips from my grasp and clatters against the coffee table.

“Wahhh~” I whine and press my forehead against the tabletop. “Pancakes~”

“Bwahaha, silly Fratello. That’s not how you hold a fork,” Lambo laughs at me.

I’m glad that my emotional turmoil and lack of manual dexterity is a source of amusement to him at the very least.

A small hand prods my head, and I look up to see Reborn holding out a bite-sized pancake slice on the end of a fork in front of my face. I snap onto it like a god damn alligator before he has a chance to change his mind or yank it back (like the sadist he most certainly is).

“Thank you,” I tell him reverently through a mouthful of sugar and syrup.

“Don’t get used to it brat,” he says before cutting another piece and holding it out to me. “You look too pathetic for even me to tolerate right now.”

I consider arguing that ‘pathetic’ comment. However, my desire for breakfast wins over my pride and I bite down on the offering. Just as a flash goes off next to my head.

When the spots clear from my vision mom is sitting there with a goofy smile on her face and a camera raised. Tsuna had burrowed his head into his arms and he’s giggling like a lunatic.

I don’t know why. It’s not that funny.

“I’m sorry Inari-chan,” Mom giggles. “You and Reborn-chan looked so cute I couldn’t resist.”

I stare at her wide-eyed for a moment while I chew slowly. She had looked so worried and worn out when she had run into our room. No one has really said anything about what happened yet, but I can only imagine how terrified she had been when we had been hauled into the house by a strange man, beat to shit, and then had a strange five year old thrown at her.

If it takes my immortalized humiliation to make her smile today so be it.

I turn back to Reborn to find him staring back at me with a quirked eyebrow and a fresh forkful of pancakes. Apparently he has reached the same conclusion.

Fuck it.

I bite at the pancakes with a wide grin. Mom squeals happily and snaps another picture. Tsuna just breaks down into full-blown howling laughter. He has gotten pretty ballsy if he is willing to laugh at Reborn to his face. That or he sustained some serious head trauma when we were being attacked by assassins.

Of course, he immediately starts chocking on one of the strawberries, because that is how karma works. And Reborn claims immediate vengeance for his dignity by smacking Tsuna across the back with way more force than necessary until he spits up the offending fruit.

“Tsu-kun, honey, I’ll go get you a glass of water,” Mom says as she gets up and leaves the room.

“Thanks, Mom,” Tsuna rasps after her.

“Dame-Tsuna, Don’t laugh with your mouth full.”

Lambo blatantly ignores this sound piece of advice that he is overhearing and continues to laugh uproariously at our antics.

Apparently Lambo is just ours now. He’s been calling Mom ‘Mama’ all morning and she is just rolling with it without question. I don’t know if I missed an intense conversation about custody or adoption while I was unconscious. Or if we just skipped to the part where he is just part of the family now.

I’m not sure if the Mafia has different rules when it comes to this kind of stuff.

Whatever, either way, I’m ruling that he is ours now and the Bovino can go fuck themselves for letting such a tiny kid wander the world on his own.

“So, uh...” I start my thought by reaching out and prodding one of Tsuna’s heavily bandaged hands with my own. “I know its not the most important question right now, but, uh, what’s with the mummy hands that we’re rocking?”

“Um.”

Tsuna stutters around an actual answer and starts flexing his hands within their confines. He seems to have a much better range of motion than I do. I don’t know if that is because he has had a couple of extra days to practice, or if he just fucked himself up less than I did.

“Burns...from the magic fire.”

He sounds so very pained to be speaking the words ‘magic fire’ aloud. Like he cannot believe that this is the most logical explanation that he can give me for our current predicament. I guess it makes just as much sense as anything else would.

Meaning none at all.

I can’t help the giggle fit that I fall into. We must be the only idiots who have been stupid enough to burn themselves with their own Dying Will Flames. I can’t remember anything from that story about Dying Will Flame backlash. But then again that story is proving to be more of a loose guideline than a tried and true road map.

“Don’t laugh, I’m being serious,” he whines.

“I know, I know,” I continue to giggle. “That’s why it’s so funny.”

“You two are hardly the first to feel the backlash of Dying Will Flames,” Reborn says, apparently reading my mind again. “Though I will admit that both of you injuring yourselves in the same way at the same time is a little bit ridiculous.”

“Yup, that’s us,” I agree, “absolutely ridiculous.”

“Any chance that you can teach us how not to horrifically injure ourselves with our mafia magic powers next time?”

“It’s on the addenda,” Reborn answers wryly.

He missed my stunning wit and sardonic soliloquies. I can tell. He would have smacked me by now for saying ‘mafia magic’ if he hadn’t.

A small tug comes at the bottom of my shirt and I look down to find a bleary-eyed and droopy Lambo staring back at me.

“Fratello,” he yawns. “I’m sleepy again.”

A quick glance at the clock tells me that it is four-thirty in the fucking morning. It is way too early for him to be awake.

“Yeah, it’s still really early buddy the sun isn’t even up yet. Do you want to go back to sleep?”

He nods, and I make a few valiant attempts to pick him up and put him into bed. It’s a lot harder with my hands and arms wrapped up the way they are. Lucky for me Mom walks back into the room with a fresh glass of water for Tsuna and notices my struggle. She swoops in and scoops Lambo into her arms and cradles him against her chest with a gentle smile.

“I’ll get Lambo tucked back in my room so you boys don’t have to worry about waking him.”

She stops briefly before she leaves again to run her free hand through Tsuna’s hair, and then through my own.

“My brave boys, Mama is very glad that you are both safe.”

And then she steps out again. We wait for her footsteps to fade and the sound of her bedroom door opening and closing before picking up the conversation again.

“Out of curiosity, what does Mom think happened?” I ask. “Because it is obviously not ‘besieged by mafia hitman.’”

Unless it is and Mom knows wayyy more about this situation than we give her credit for.

“The official police report says that a structural defect in the school building gave way causing the structural damage and that a gas leak resulted in mass hallucinations amongst the student body. Which is a convenient excuse for explaining away the assassins.”

“Mom thinks that we stayed behind to help other students get out safely,” Tsuna adds on awkwardly.

“Not a total lie.”

There are a million other questions that I should be asking now: what’s the situation with the hit on Vongola Decimo? What about Della Rosa? Estraeno? And the monster? And Verde? And, and, and...

“How are the rest of our party members?” I ask instead.

“Kyoko and the boys are fine,” Reborn reassures me. “We made sure that they all made it home safely.”

I let out a small sigh of relief. Well, that’s something.

“Kyoko-chan punched a man through a wall,” Tsuna says vacantly.

“Yeah, I saw that.”

Kyoko was all sorts of badass throughout that entire ‘event.’

“No, I mean, yes that too. But after you passed out one of the guys that Vongola sent over to help us tried to grab her and get her into the van and she Punched. Him. Through. A. Wall.”

Tsuna gets this glazed overlook and I make an attempt to way a hand in front of his face to snap him out of it.

“Tsuna?”

“It was awesome,” he whispers reverently.

Ah.

All right then.

Reborn gets a sly look on his face, “Kyoko-chan would make a good wife for Vongola Decimo.”

“Yeah~” is Tsuna’s dreamy reply. Apparently not noticing what he is agreeing to.

“I think you mean that she would make a good queen for Vongola,” is my snarky addendum to that. “Girl is a badass.”

“I cannot argue with that,” Reborn chuckles. “She has quite a bit of natural talent that I wasn’t anticipating.”

I look to Tsuna to see if he has anything else to add, but we have well and truly lost him off in the land of daydreams. He is mumbling something about the wedding cake now.

He’s such an adorable Goofus.

And he’ll be offline for a while while he finishes acting out his imaginary wedding.

“So I guess Lambo is just ours now?” I ask Reborn. Latching on to my next not too intense line of questions.

“Hn?” He makes a questioning noise as he digs into his own neglected plate of breakfast.

“Do we have to fill out paperwork or something? Or are a legion of crazy cow people going to show up on our doorstep demanding ransom money for him?”

His expression darkens dramatically as he finishes gulping down his coffee.

“They better not,” he mutters into the now empty cup.

He is legitimately perturbed by the thought of the Bovino coming here to cause a ruckus.

“Are they dangerous?”

“I... no...”

That was a weird pause.

“What’s with the long pause?” I prod when it becomes apparent that he isn’t going to continue on.

I don’t particularly like long pauses. Long pauses have a tendency to turn into problems that will come and punch me in the face.

“The Bovino are a profoundly irritating low-level Familia whose members have no sense of professionalism or personal boundaries.”

Wow.

“That was a much more scathing commentary than I was expecting. What the heck man? Did a Bovino steal your girlfriend or something?”

Reborn gives me a withering glare and flicks a strawberry at my face. I am still a little too groggy for my usual level of acrobatic evasion right now, so I take it.

Also, it seems to make him feel a little better.

“Hardly, but they have interrupted more than one delicate operation with their ridiculous antics.”

A raise a very judgemental eyebrow at him.

“This coming from the man who once dressed in a fairy princess outfit dangled himself over Tsuna’s bed and rained extremely realistic rubber snakes down upon him to teach him a lesson about punctuality.”

He ignores my rebuttal completely and continues to munch on his breakfast. Meanwhile, mention of the rubber snake thing has finally snapped Tsuna out of his daze. He shudders and looks between the two of us with a look of confusion.

“What?”

“What, what?”

A projectile strawberry flies into his face and he shrieks and falls over.

“Hieeee!”

“Dame-Tsuna, pay better attention to your surroundings.”

I laugh. It serves him right for laughing at us earlier.

“So, moving on to something a little more important? Life-threatening? Whatever - “ I wave away my own indecisive wording. “The assassin thing, is that still a thing? Is that still happening? I mean, what is our current assassin situation?”

They both stare at me blankly for a long moment as I slowly work my way to a halfway coherent question. Assassins make me nervous, go figure.

“Nothing since we left the school,” Tsuna says. “But we haven’t really left the house since then so I don’t really know.”

He gives Reborn a somewhat concerned look. I get the feeling that he had been trying to forget our multiple near-death experiences as best as he could. The whole price on the head of Vongola Decimo thing was probably also pretty upsetting for him. He is just radiating anxiety now.

Reborn shrugs.

“There have been no further incidents in Namimori since what happened at the school. Vongola managed to rally their allies in the region rather quickly and the city is now on an ‘underworld lockdown’ as it were.”

He makes a grab for my coffee, and I let him have at it without any fuss. There is an air of exhaustion around Reborn. I assume that he hasn’t actually gotten much sleep since this whole thing started.

“The assassins that had been in the city have all been dealt with for the most part. Shamal and our other allies managed to root out a few more that hadn’t been at the school. If there are any others lurking about they will be dealt with eventually.”

Tsuna makes a face at the mention of Shamal’s name. I give him a questioning look and he tilts his head in a way that I interpret to mean ‘I’ll tell you later.’

“As for the situation back in Italy,” Reborn continues, ignoring our little exchange. “Della Rosa have retreated to their compound in Milan. The bounty on Vongola Decimo has been retracted. Headquarters is still in the midst of implementing a more permanent solution for Cassandra herself, however, they seem to be having some trouble with the...execution.”

I swear, I hear him mutter the word ‘armatures’ as he drains down the second cup of coffee, and starts eyeing Tsuna’s.

Oh, boy, is he wound up.

“Regardless, that situation will be dealt with soon enough. Even if I have to go over there and shoot them all myself.”

“Sounds therapeutic.”

“In the meantime, we are going to get the two of you healed up, and then I am increasing your training.”

Tsuna lets out a long whine at this. “Increasing!? It was already crazy!”

Reborn stares between the two of us for a good long while without saying anything. Tsuna’s outrage winds down quickly under scrutiny and we both start to fidget.

“Tsunayoshi,” He looks to Tsuna and then to me. “Inari. You boys did amazingly well considering the circumstances. I am proud of how you handled yourselves. But that, as stressful and dangerous as it might have seemed, is just the tip of the iceberg. Things are only going to get more dangerous for you from here on out.”

Tsuna makes a sound like he wants to protest again, but Reborn simply raises a hand and cuts him off.

“Despite your reservations about becoming Vongola Decimo, the fact remains that you are the heir. The blood of Vongola Primo runs in your veins and there is nothing that you or I can do to change that.”

He abruptly hops down from the coffee table and makes to leave our bedroom. Pausing briefly to say:

“Shamal will be by later to give you boys a check-up. I should be finished by then.”

“Doing?” I ask curiously.

“I have a call to make.”

And then he leaves.

* * *

* * *

Tsuna somehow manages to fall back asleep after all of that. Not that I can really blame him. It was still absurdly early when Reborn left us to our own devices. I can only assume that the school will be closed for a while too which means that we have no schedule to keep for today.

We are just waiting around for Shamal to get here and give us a clean bill of health.

Just waiting here.

**In the quiet.**

I’m wide awake.

I slept for three god damned days and the chances that I will be able to fall asleep again any time this week are slim to none. So I sit awake, and I pace the room, and I try desperately not to get sucked down into spiraling (and depressing) thought vortexes with limited success.

Fuck that **old man**.

Whatever, I’m over it.

Well, I’m not, but...

Fuck it.

I managed to fish out my phone from a pile of clothes at the foot of my bed. I’m happy to see that my new ray guns somehow escaped confiscation and I quickly shove them under my bed.

I call Takeshi.

Well, I try to call Takeshi. The whole mummy hand situation somewhat impedes my ability to dial, and unfortunately, voice recognition in cell phones has yet to be invented in this universe. My attempts at calling him lead to a weird conversation with someone who sounds vaguely like Arnold Schwarzenegger, and a sleepy kid who is at least somewhere in Japan.

I give up.

I’ll talk to him later. When there is a better chance of him actually being awake.

...

Oh god, I am going to go crazy laying around here staring at the walls. I am not made for sitting in quiet contemplation. I am all about running and jumping and doing random stupid things like scaling buildings and picking fights with delinquents.

I pull myself up and quietly start pacing the room again.

Back and forth.

Back and forth.

Back and forth.

My hands don’t feel right.

Back and forth.

**They itch**.

Back and forth.

The bandages don’t feel right. They feel too tight. They shouldn’t be this tight right? They are going to cut off my circulation. They’re cutting off my circulation. I need to take them off now. Right now.

I need to take these things **off.**

Off, off, off.

**There’s someone in the window.**

There is nothing in the window there is a tree in the window you idiot, calm down.

**Assassin.**

Tree.

**Monster.  
**

Tree!

**Three eyes.**

FUCK!

...

I should take these bandages off, right?

**Yes, yes, yes.**

They won't come off.

Why won't they come off!

**Of course, they won't. They are hiding something from you.**

Why are they bandaged?

I don’t remember bleeding.

**Are you sure?**

No?

**Did they tear something out again?**

There’s nothing there! Nothing under my skin!

**There are maggots under your skin. Can’t you feel them wriggling?**

GET THEM OFF!

...

**Your father tried to kill you.**

...

**He must know that you don’t belong here.**

...

**Or maybe you do. And this is the only reason you do.**

Shut up.

Shut up.

Shut up.

Please.

...

I should take these off, right?

“Inari?!”

**Coward.**

“Inari, s-stop it, I know they’re uncomfortable, I-I know it, but you have to leave them on or you’ll h-hurt yourself even worse.”

Tsuna?

“Inari please!” The crack of desperation in my brother's voice snaps me back into myself.

We’re in our bedroom.

On the floor?

Tsuna has wrapped himself around me like an octopus. Pinning my arms to my sides. His face is pressed into my shoulder.

It feels damp.

I made him cry.

“Tsuna,” I rasp. “Tsuna it’s okay, I’m okay.”

“No you’re not,” he sobs. “You hurt. You were hurting yourself more. I hate it when you hurt.”

“Tsu-“

“You got hurt so badly!” He continues. “And I know you don’t want to talk about it, because you never want to talk about it but -“

His voice breaks and he tightens his hold around me. And I am helpless to stop my own tears. That’s the thing about us. Pain and sadness always have a way of being shared an amplified between the two of us until we are both blubbering messes.

I force myself to relax in his hold. Listening closely to catch the scattered melody of our duet. A drum beat and a trumpet.

After a few moments, the harmony kicks in full force and the last of my panic attack begins to really and truly drain away.

“Tsu, I’m fine.” I try to reassure him again.

“You’re really not,” he sniffles. “You were okay when we were all awake and talking and then suddenly you weren’t and I was so scared.”

“And I’m not stupid!” He continues fiercely. “I know what they did and I hate it. Because you’re more important than a scapegoat or a decoy. You’re my brother, my best friend. I hate it.”

“Okay, yeah, fine. You’re right. It’s terrible and shit but I still don’t-“

“Then talk about something else!” He jumps in again. “Talk about literally anything else. And it doesn’t have to be with me. Talk to mom about weird recipes that she wants to try. Talk to Reborn about that mafia trivia stuff that you like. Talk to Takeshi-kun-“

He freezes and pulls back to give me a somewhat alarming manic look.

“You have to call Takeshi-kun,” he tells me seriously. “He was really freaked out when you wouldn’t wake up. He keeps calling to check in on you and I promised him that I would make sure to let him know as soon as you woke up.”

I stare at him wide-eyed and stunned at the sudden impassioned onslaught of information. And then I slowly raise up one of my heavily bandaged hands that gives me the precision dialing ability of an oven mitt.

“Tried that, I think I called the terminator.”

The look he gives me in response to this is uncharacteristically wild. He moves to grab at the phone before realizing that he would have the same trouble dialing as I did due to the whole, mummy hand epidemic.

“We’ll get Mom to dial.”

“What?! No!”

“Why not?” He demands.

“I’m not waking her up so she can make a phone call for me, it’s embarrassing.”

“She won't mind.”

“I mind!” My voice cracks, humiliatingly, on a high note making this whole exchange even more awkward than it already was.

“Why?” He sounds genuinely perplexed by this. Honestly, I don’t even know why I suddenly feel so weird about all of it. I mean it’s not like I wasn’t about to call Takeshi on my own.

“You’ll feel better. I felt better once I called everyone to make sure they were all okay.”

“Yeah but not at like four in the morning!” I protest.

“It’s eight!” He counters.

I look to the alarm clock that sits on our shared desk. Sure enough, it's quarter after eight. When did that happen? I could have sworn Tsuna had only fallen asleep like a minute ago.

“Whatever it's still too early for emotional breakdowns. Case and point this.”

And then I take a moment to backtrack.

Everyone?

Did he call everyone?

“Bro-bro, did you get Kyoko’s phone number?” I ask teasingly.

Tsuna blushes so hard it looks like his face is glowing, and he starts sputtering.

“So!? Don’t change the subject.”

“Please let me,” I beg him with a grin crawling across my face. “Your relationship drama is always so much fun.”

“And yours isn’t?” Ha, now it’s Tsuna’s turn to have his voice crack on a high note.

“Not for me,” I say cheerfully ignoring his jab. “Common bro, you're the one who wanted to talk.”

I flutter my eyelashes at him all innocent-like. Suddenly I’m feeling much better about everything.

“Yes, fine, I got Kyoko-chan’s number,” he snaps begrudgingly.

“Way to go Tsuna!” I cheer, ruffling his hair. “I never thought you would work up the guts to ask.”

If possible Tsuna goes even redder than before and mumbles something under his breath.

“Huh?”

“I said I didn’t ask.”

It takes me a moment to work out what he means and once I do I am grinning even harder than before.

“Tsuna, you are so lucky that girl likes you.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Kyoko is sweeping you off your feet bro. She is the sweeper, you are the sweepy. She is boldly taking the initiative asking you out, giving you her number. Which is awesome because I’m pretty sure if left up to you you’d just be giving her the puppy dog eyes until we were forty.”

“That’s not... okay fine, that’s probably true.” He groans and flops back across the floor, narrowly missing the corner of the table with his head.

“This doesn’t change the fact that you should call Takeshi-kun though.”

I sigh and stretch out next to him.

“I know, and I will. Preferably after I have medical verification that my arms aren’t full of maggots or in danger of falling off so I don’t have an upsetting panic attack all over him.”

He rolls over and gives me a loose one-armed hug.

“I don’t think he would mind.”

I don’t really think he would either. But things have been super stressful lately. I mean, it wasn’t too long ago that he was teetering on the roof of the school. And I don’t want to be the reason that he’s sad. That the only thing that’s going to come from him having to listen to me have a panic attack right now anyway.

I start fishing around on the coffee table blindly grabbing for the remote. I think we have had just about enough dramatic heart to heart time at this point. Its time for some mindless television. I make it a little more difficult for myself than it needs to be since I don’t have the energy to actually sit up and grab the remote like a normal person.

I eventually get it.

* * *

* * *

Me and Tsuna spend the next few hours getting way too invested in the adventures of an anthropomorphic cartoon cat. Lambo wanders back into our room around ten-thirty and joins us in the impromptu marathon. He takes a seat on Tsuna’s bed behind our heads and will yank on our hair every once in a while when things take a particularly dramatic turn in the show.

About an hour later Reborn returns and spends a long moment standing in the doorway staring at us as we cheer for the victory of Sir Moonclaw against the dastardly rat wizard. It almost seems like he’s about to interrupt us and tell us to go do something useful with ourselves. Instead, he comes into the room, hops onto the bed behind me and starts asking questions about our dopey tv show.

It's hilarious because in no time he is just as invested as the rest of us, but at the same time, he just cannot seem to wrap his head around the whole anthropomorphism thing.

Mom comes in with a plate of snacks and sandwiches around noon and joins me a and Tsuna on the floor. And as ridiculous as the whole thing is it made me feel so much better about everything.

It’s nice, and warm, and safe. A protective cocoon of the family to ward off all the terrible things that might be lurking outside our door.

Or in a tree...

After another hour the cartoon marathon comes to an end and we are brought back to the real world boy an incessant knocking on the front door.

Mom gets up with a stretch and a smile, “I’ll get that.”

“That will be Shamal,” Reborn announces with a quick glance at the clock. He grabs the remote to switch off our little television ignoring Lambo’s whine of protest. “Head downstairs.”

It takes a moment for me and Tsuna to pull ourselves up off the floor. Hours of lounging in once position had left us both a little cramped.

“Oh, Shamal-sensei how nice to see you again,” Mom greets cheerfully. “Thank you for coming to check on my boys.”

“Anything for a beautiful woman,” comes the reply.

And I suddenly remember something very important about Trident Shamal. He is a skirt-chasing sleazebag and I don’t want him flirting with our Mom!

We share a horrified glance and I realize this is the reason Tsuna had pulled a face when Shamal’s name had come up earlier. He must have already witnessed the pervert flirting with Mom.

Let me just say now, for the record; I have nothing against Mom meeting new people, flirting, going on a date, and who knows, maybe one day leaving that sorry excuse of a man who has the gall to call himself her husband. However, if that ever happens the guy best be a fucking gentleman and not a skirt-chasing sleaze.

Tsuna barrels ahead of me and actually manages to make it down all the stairs without tripping himself up. His coordination has improved by leaps and bounds lately, I am really impressed.

And also a little suspicious.

He is about to insert himself between Mom and Shamal when a body launches itself through the front door from behind the not-so-good doctor with a wail of “Tsuna-sammmmmaaaaaa!”

In an instant, Hayato has himself wrapped around Tsuna’s legs babbling about how happy he is that the boss is okay and how worried he was and how he has failed in his duty as a subordinate.

Of course, Tsuna isn’t able to keep his balance having a human person clamped around his legs and he falls over onto his ass.

“Hayato-kun!?”

He’s staring down at our friend with this perfect ‘what the fuck’ look on his face which perfectly encapsulates what I’m feeling in this moment as well.

“I hope you don’t mind I had to bring these idiots along with me or they would have tried to cross town on their own. One of them almost did,” Shamal drawls.

There was a plural ‘idiot’ in that statement.

I don’t actually have time to ponder it any further than that because just as the word leaves his mouth another person pushes past him and I am being hoisted up into a monster hug.

“Hey Takeshi,” I greet him as best I can whilst being grappled. I graciously allow him to manhandle me until I am clinging to him like a mutant koala. I fell like I’m at a bit of a disadvantage being this far away from the floor.

“Well, this is a convenient solution to my whole ‘how do you dial a phone without fingers issue.’”

I’m going for humor here.

“Your awake,” he breathes in relief.

I don’t think the humor is going to fly right now. Drat.

“And as you can see totally fine. All systems are functional. Nothing to worry about here.”

He doesn’t answer this time, he just squeezes me a little tighter.

Normally I would be squirming out of his hold by this point but this seems to be an important somewhat defining moment so I let it ride. I do wish it wasn’t taking place in our foyer in front of half a dozen people though. I’m really glad that Tsuna and Hayato are having their own, much louder, moment less than a foot away from us. It cuts down on the awkward.

For me at least.

“You're going to have to put me down eventually dude.”

“Yes now,” Shamal says pushing past us into the lounge where a table and chairs have been set up in a makeshift examination station. He opens his briefcase onto the table and starts pulling out some vaguely medically looking things that I couldn’t name if my life depended on it.

Tiny scissors.

Bandage things.

Sticky tape stuff.

Long needle looking gizmo.

A box thing...?

I give up.

“I’m going to need to examine them both, you can resume your weird little lovefest after I leave.”

“Kay!” Takeshi chirps cheerfully.

At least it sounds cheerful. Judging by the ‘eep’ sound that Tsuna makes I’m going to assume that Takeshi is doing that thing where he is smiling but isn’t actually smiling.

The terrifying one.

He proceeds to walk over to the living room still carrying me like a small child and sets me down on the couch.

And, yup, that is a terrifying smile.

He is definitely pissed at me.

“Dude, I woke up at like three this morning you haven’t really missed any dramatic milestones,” I lie through my teeth.

He stares at me, still smiling, before flopping down next to me on the couch and slinging an arm around my shoulders.

“The Yankees were playing the Redsox at three in the morning.”

Ah.

He was awake at three in the morning then.

Upon closer inspection, he has that same ‘I haven’t slept well in three days’ look that Reborn and Mom are rocking. That makes me feel even worse.

“Really?”

“Yup, Yankees won in overtime.”

“No shit? How many innings did it go?”

“Fourteen.”

“Holy... I’m sorry I missed it.” I really, really am sorry.

“Next time.”

I am going to interpret this as ‘I forgive you for not calling me, but next time you better fucking call me you jerk.’

Only without the swearing.

Hayato comes and joins us on the couch and glares daggers at Shamal as he starts unwrapping the bandages from Tsuna’s hands.

“You better not mistreat Tsuna-sama, asshole,” he growls.

Shamal doesn’t even do him the courtesy of a glance over his shoulder at the over hostility.

“Which of us is the doctor here?” He says dismissively. “You just sit there and be quiet. The sooner this is done the happier I’ll be.”

Ass.

“You should be glad I’m looking over your precious ‘boss’ at all, it's against my policy to examine guys,” Shamal continues complaining.

This guy rubs me entirely the wrong way. I don’t care if he did perform an eleventh-hour rescue, he’s a dick.

“Don’t worry boys,” Reborn says, reappearing behind us. “Despite his attitude, Shamal is a very competent doctor. He assisted with my ‘birth’ after all.”

“Wouldn’t that make him an obstetrician then?” Tsuna asks giving the doctor a suspicious look over.

No, I don’t think so.

And also, I wonder what exactly he did to help Reborn out. It obviously would have been something after the whole curse thing. Records maybe? But that wouldn’t really require a medical doctor.

Reborn must have something big on him too if he is able to force him to help us out considering treating men is against his ‘policy.’

“Well if the kid says we can trust him it should be fine,” Takeshi says relaxing into the couch.

Hayato glowers even more.

“You say that because you haven’t had to live with him for the past three days. Believe me, he needs to be watched closely.”

“That bad?”

“All he does all day is flirt with all the women in the complex, it's irritating and disgusting.”

“Gross,” I agree with him.

“I can hear you,” Shamal intones without taking his eyes off his work. “You kids will understand in a few years, your still too young now.”

“Hayato-kun lives in the dorms,” Tsuna observes with a flat and judgemental stare. “The only girls that live near him are teenagers.”

“Gross!” I say with more emphasis this time.

Shamal chooses to ignore our loud and ongoing scrutiny of his character and continues to examine Tsuna’s hands. From what I can see they seem fine. Everything moves in the right way, he can feel all the different pokes and prods, pick things up, squeeze, etcetera. The only thing that is different, and that stands out, are the scars.

A very familiar looking starburst of dark scar tissue that begins at the center of his palms and wraps around his hands.

That is probably going to unlock an interesting dialogue tree at some point in the future.

“Alright Decimo, your good to go.” Shamal turns to look at me. “You’re up blondie.”

I begrudgingly trade seats with Tsuna. I don’t like this man. I don’t particularly want him touching me either. But for the time being, I am going to trust that Reborn will shoot him if he tries any funny business.

The bandages are slowly unwound. A brief panic strikes me in the chest as I remember my earlier (irrational) panic about maggots crawling under my skin and I wait with bated breath to see what exactly I’m going to be working with here.

Dark branching fractals stretch down my arms. They almost look like trees reaching from the bend in my arms down and exploding in my palms. It's a very distinctive pattern that looks both creepy and cool at the same time.

Lichtenberg figures.

“The swelling seems to be gone now,” Shamal observes as he presses his thumbs up and down the marks. “Skin is healing up nicely too.”

He picks out a fresh needle gizmo, like the one he had been prodding Tsuna with and takes one of my hands in his free one. “I’m going to test for sensation now don’t twitch too much.”

He presses it against my index finger.

“Can you feel this?”

“Ow!”

“How about that?”

“Fuck! Ow! Yes!”

“And that?”

“Stop stabbing me you fucking prick!” I finally snap and try to yank my arm out of Shamal’s vice-like grip. “Where the hell did you get your medical license from, asshole? Your bedside manner sucks.”

Shamal gives me the flattest look and proceeds to jab the needle into my thumb without breaking eye contact.

“Ow!”

“You should be thankful that I’m doing this at all kid. I don’t generally treat men.”

“Fuck you.”

He rolls his eyes at me and finally drops his nefarious instrument of torture. He then proceeds to manhandle my arm into an even more uncomfortable position. Thumbs press firmly into the soft tissue of my forearm and continue down to my palm.

“Quit whining, you’re lucky that you didn’t give yourself permanent nerve damage with the voltage you were handling.”

“He’s going to be alright though?” Tsuna asks.

“He’ll be fine,” Shamal grouses. “He’s just being a baby.”

“You were jabbing me with a needle!”

“Hold this.” He says handing me the weird box thing.

I grumble and do as I’m told.

Nothing is happening.

“Is it supposed to do some- HOLY FUCK THAT'S COLD!!”

The peanut gallery sitting on the couch has apparently decided that it's fine for them to laugh at my torment now. Which is fine, I guess.

“And now?”

“HOT!” I shout and throw the box back at him.

I don’t know what the heck that thing is but it is not natural.

“Sensitivity to temperature seems to be fine as well, though your reactions are a little extreme.”

“You are fucking with me aren’t you?” I whisper hiss at him.

“Maybe a little bit.”

The next thing he pulls out is the electronic hand grip.

“Here squeeze on this thing now.”

I squeeze it without breaking eye contact with him.

It beeps.

“Yeesh, your pretty strong for such a tiny kid.”

“Are we done yet?”

I don’t remember him antagonizing Tsuna this much when it was his turn. This is his revenge for that ‘gross’ comment, isn’t it? Well, fuck him, I’m not taking it back.

“Yes, you're fine, go do whatever it is that you normally do,” he waves me off dismissively. “ Just don’t go jamming any more forks in light sockets.”

“I’m not an idiot!” I snap.

“Thank you for your assistance Shamal,” Reborn cuts in before I really lose my temper. “I’ll have the usual fee deposited into your account.”

Shamal grumbles and starts to pack up all of his equipment, “I should charge you extra for the trouble.”

He pauses in his packing up to give a considering look to me and Tsuna.

“And extra for having me treat a couple of guys.”

He will just not let that go, will he?

Reborn doesn’t say anything, he just gives Shamal this intense dead-eyed stare that speaks in volumes exactly what he thinks of the dear doctor's complaints. Shamal breaks first; turning away and starting to pack up all his medical supplies into his briefcase.

“Nice doing business with you, as always, I can’t wait until the next time you call me up with a new set of impossible demands.”

“Are you boys all finished up with your checkup?” Mom asks poking her head into the living room.

“Yes, they are,” Shamal says slinking up to her with that sleazy smile on his face again. “I am happy to say they both have a clean bill of health although I can’t do much about the scar tissue. That will just have to fade over time.”

“That’s a relief to hear. Thank you so much for coming.”

“Anytime m’ lady.”

He makes to grab her hand for a kiss but before he can get that far he is sprayed in the face with a stream of grape juice.

Lambo is standing by Mom’s leg with a box of grape juice in his hands. His eyes all watery as he sniffles up at her.

“Mama, I couldn’t get the straw to work.”

“Oh sweetie, let's go get you a new juice box.” She bends down to scoop Lambo up, apparently forgetting all about Shamal who is standing there dripping with grape juice with this shocked look on his face.

As mom turns back to the kitchen, Lambo gives us a thumbs up before breaking out the crocodile tears again.

Way to go little brother!

Shamal stands there for a moment longer before wiping his face with his sleeve and turning to the front door.

“I’m leaving now.” He announces. “I assume that you’ll be able to get the two of them back safely when they want to leave? Great. Goodbye.”

He’s gone without waiting for a response.

We all stare after him.

“Are you sure you trust that weirdo?” I ask Reborn.

“He is, unfortunately, the best in the business.”

“Sure...”

I stare out the still open doorway.

It’s a nice day out.

And Shamal had said that I could do whatever I normally do...

“I’ll be right back.”

I sprint out the door before any of them have a chance to react.

I’m not leaving our yard. I did hear the part where Reborn had mentioned that there might still be assassins lurking about. Though there is a part of me that wants to do a mad dash into town just to see if anyone tries to kill me again.

I desperately want to hit something. It’s so much easier than actually you know dealing with my issues.

But I’m not that stupid.

I am a little bit stupid though.

I also need to verify a weird conversation I had with myself about the tree in our back yard. Because something about that has been nagging at me.

I pivot quickly around the house. Ignoring the calls of “INARI!” “IDIOT!” And “RAGAZZO!” That follow me.

Once again, not going far, and this is probably just me being stupid and paranoid. Someone would have noticed an assassin in the tree next to our window.

It takes me less time than I thought it would to circle the house and scurry up the branches. I hear the front gate open and close a few times while I’m ascending.

Do they think that I hopped the fence? I’m not that fast.

I push through the leaves to reach the branches level with our bedroom in no time at all. Huffing from the exhilaration of activity. It’s nice to know that I can still climb as well as I used to. I would have been pissed if I had to relearn that skill again.

I look around in the branches of the tree.

Nothing.

Nothing, nothing, nothing.

Looks like it was just me being crazy after all.

It’s just me and an owl hanging out in a tree.

I hear the stomping of footsteps rounding the house. It sounds like there are way more people tromping around than there should be. Which I would be more concerned about if it wasn’t for this owl.

...

This owl with heterochromatic eyes.

...

Hello Mukuro. How nice to see you again so soon.

“I hate being right...”

The owl screeches and flys at my face with its talons out and I quickly let go of the branch that I’m balancing on to protect my eyes from the sharp pointy things.

It slams into me before bursting out of the tree and flying away.

And I tip.

I’m really am an idiot. I’m never going to hear the end of this.

I wobble.

“Fuckfuckfuckfuck!”

And I fall.

I fall right into the arms of the prettiest man that I have ever seen in my entire fucking life.

Blonde and tall and sparkly.

And surrounded by at least a dozen men in suits.

“Hey, Reborn! I caught him!” Dino Cavallone calls out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah... Inari is a bit of a mess right now. More so than usual I mean. 
> 
> Thoughts? Feelings? Theories? I always look forward to hearing from you guys :)


	11. Hey, Look, a Distraction!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You’re just a mess.

I have a terrible weakness for pretty faces. It is a horrible, horrible character flaw of mine that has a tendency to pop up every once in awhile. It’s not a situation that comes up very frequently because I also have impossibly high standards for what constitutes a pretty face but when it does... well, let's just say that I don’t deal with squishy emotions well

Dino Cavallone is a very, very pretty man and he checks off more than half the boxes that make him ‘my type.’

Because, yes, I have a type.

A somewhat specific type that I hold to my impossibly high standards.

Taller than me, older than me, suave, charming, maybe a bit of an asshole and, of course, pretty as fuck.

There are a few more modifiers interspersed within that top-secret list, but that is about the gist of it.

The point is Dino is so fucking pretty that my brain went violently offline whilst he carried me bridal style into the house by the living manifestation of attractiveness.

Of course, then he proceeds to drop me flat on my face as soon as he passed through the threshold knocking me out of my daze and back down to reality. I had forgotten that he is also a terrible dope and spaz.

It’s awful Dino Cavallone is all at once totally my type and not at all my type. I am in an appalling limbo of being all of a sudden super into him and completely repulsed by him.

Help.

Please make it stop.

I have had more than enough mood whiplash today to add in train wreck infatuation.

To make matters worse, in my stunned state I had no way to defend myself when Tsuna had given Takeshi and Hayato a manic look and ordered: “Hold him, make sure he doesn’t go anywhere.” Before he was whisked away upstairs with Reborn and Dino for a secret meeting.

A fuck ton of Dino’s guys filed in through the front door and Dino had called down to them; “Help Vongola’s boys keep an eye on his little brother.”

Which leaves me here. Stuck on the couch surrounded by armed guards and my less than amused compatriots.

“This seems a little excessive,” I observe with all the jovial candor of a man being held in place by human restraints. “Not that I’m complaining. I’m totally digging the arm candy.”

Hayato and Takeshi just scowl at me and continue holding me in place. Their arms are looped through my own, so I’m effectively pinned between them and therefore stuck on this couch.

As half of Dino’s army of minions laugh at my misfortune.

Fuckers.

Why is there always a peanut gallery around to witness my humiliation?

It probably has something to do with karmic retribution for being an asshole.

Well, fuck you too universe.

“Guys, seriously, I promise that I won't leave this couch. I will stay here like a good boy,” I beg. “Please give me back the use of my arms. I just had them fixed.”

“Yeah, and your first act was to throw yourself out of a fuckin’ tree!” Hayato shoots back at me. “Not a chance.”

“That wasn’t my fault, it was the owl!”

“The owl didn’t make you climb the tree in the first place dumbass!”

“IT MIGHT HAVE! IT WAS AN EVIL OWL!!”

They just stare at me, completely and totally unimpressed. As Dino’s guys just continue to laugh at us. I don’t blame them, screaming about an ‘Evil Owl’ isn’t the best defense that I could have come up with. It probably makes me sound a little bit more than a little bit insane too.

But the actual answer is so much longer and more insane than that though. Seriously, what am I going to tell them? The owl wasn’t really an owl, well it was, but it was being possessed by a powerful illusionist. Why? Oh, I don’t know but he was also possessing some of those assassin types that were trying to kill us back in the school a couple of days ago.

And how do I know all this? Well, you know, I have memories from a past life or alternate timeline or parallel universe that lets me know extremely specific information about events that would have transpired in Tsuna’s life if I had never existed. Because I’m not supposed to exist in this story. Oh yeah, and I forgot to mention that this was all in a comic book that I remember reading... maybe... it's complicated.

I’m sure that would go over great with everyone. It totally won't result in them throwing me into a looney bin thinking that I’ve had some sort of mental breakdown due to stress.

Hell, I don’t even know how accurate any of this shit is anyway. Everything has changed so dramatically that I don’t think we are following anything even remotely resembling that plot anymore.

And I don’t even know what the hell is going on with me.

“Tsuna said to make sure you don’t run away again,” Takeshi says interrupting my spiralling thoughts. He doesn’t look happy with me at all. As soon as Tsuna had asked him and Hayato to hold me in place while he was drug off to have a super-secret boss meeting with Dino and Reborn he had gleefully done so.

I am being tormented on multiple levels here.

“Tsuna isn’t even here,” I whine. “He’s having his boss meeting with Pretty Dino upstairs. He’ll never know if you guys ease up a bit.”

“‘Pretty Dino?’” Hayato repeats judgementally.

“Shut up,” I blush and ignore the way that the guy with the glasses snorts when he hears what I called his boss. “You cannot tell me that you don’t think that man isn’t ridiculously attractive.”

“WHAT!? NO!” Is Hayato’s loud and aggressive denial.

“LIAR!” I accuse. Dino looks like a god damn model. Anyone with eyes would have to admit that he is pretty to look at.

Takeshi is trying very hard to remain stern with me, but I hear him snickering. He’s seen me do this before, and he always seems to find it’s absolutely hilarious.

“Hey, you!” I single out one of Dino’s guys who is stuck on babysitting duty. “Yeah, you with the glasses. You think your boss is pretty right?”

Actually, looking closer now I’m pretty sure that this guy is Romario. It’s convenient that the only one of Dino’s minions that I know the name of is here for me to call out.

I must look more intensely manic than usual, Romario is giving me this very alarmed look. He sputters and panics, as was my intent.

“Excuse-“

“So you don’t think your boss is pretty?” I cut him off, “That seems pretty rude.”

If possible Romario looks even more embarrassed and outraged than he did before. His face is so red that it’s starting to turn purple. This has also gotten the attention of the rest of Dino’s guys who are now listening very intently.

As was also my intent.

“Poor guy I hope that he doesn’t know that all his followers think he’s a hideous motherfucker,” I continue to antagonize.

It works.

They all look incensed now and they all at once start jumping to his defense yelling over each other all going on about how beautiful their boss is. It is a cacophony of outrage and it is absolutely amazing.

Takeshi is trying so hard not to laugh out loud. I can feel him shaking next to me. More importantly, his hold on my arm is starting to loosen significantly. Hayato’s earlier irritation has melted away into unholy glee now that he has realized that I am fucking with the invading adults.

“Fuckin’ disloyal is what they are,” He joins in, egging on the chaos.

“Right you are,” I nod solemnly.

Dino’s guys freak the fuck out and go into a full-on revolt. Most of them are going on about how their boss is the prettiest boss in the world. And ‘how dare you brats question our loyalty to the Cavallone Family!”

A few even charge on upstairs proclaiming:

“BOSS! YOU ARE THE MOST BEAUTIFUL BOSS IN THE WORLD!!!”

“These guys are hilarious,”Takeshi laughs.

And lets go of my left arm.

Yay.

“These guys are fuckin’ idiots,” Hayato amends.

There are a series of crashes and bangs from upstairs, which probably means that my mad plot to incite mayhem and interrupted the irritating secret meeting up there has taken effect.

Tsuna lets out a long high pitched ‘HIEEEEEE!’ Which probably means that something is absolutely ridiculous is happening up there.

Which means it’s time for me to make things worse.

I turn back to Romario who is looking around helplessly at his colleagues. Poor guy, I doubt he’s used to this level of random escalation. Oh well, as far as I’m concerned they all deserve it. Their dumb pretty boss dropped me on my face while carrying me across the threshold.

“Hey, dude!” I call him out drawing his attention back. “Didn’t you hear all the commotion up there? You should probably go check on your lovely boss.”

I grin at him all teeth and mean as his orders clash with my ‘suggestion’ and he is caught up in indecision.

He twitches.

“Get going.”

He bolts.

I should be a little more discerning when I use my bardic superpowers of persuasion. I’m fairly certain that this whole even has earned me a whole bunch of points in renegade.

I need some paragon points to offset it.

Shit, that means I’m going to have to do something altruistic or some shit...

Fuck it, renegade, all the way.

The sounds of pandemonium draw our attention to the ceiling and we all stare up with curious anticipation.

“You’re kind of a dick,” Hayato mutters.

“You already knew that.”

“No, I knew you were a crazy fucking softie.” He leans back into the couch unknowingly letting go of my other arm.

Freedom!

In one swift motion, I launch myself off the couch and away from my former shackle like arm candy. We will probably revisit that one day, hopefully under more fun circumstances.

“Victory is mine!”

“INARI!?”

Oh wow, neither of them look particularly happy with me.

“Relax, I said I wasn’t going anywhere,” I soothe. I couldn’t go anywhere even if I wanted to. There is still an army of Cavallone henchmen standing around outside in addition to the ones flailing around in the living room. I don’t think I could make it past all of them. Maybe I could, but I’m not too tempted to try right now.

And besides, I still need to see how my nefarious plot plays out.

Three gunshots ring out, signalling the end of Reborn’s patience. Closely followed by more screaming and a stampede of footsteps charging down the stairs. Well, sort of, Tsuna and Dino get their feet tangled together on the first step and slide the rest of the way down on their asses.

They are both such uncoordinated idiots. Tsuna I kind of understand, he’s still dealing with the whole ‘sealing of his will’ thing that has been fucking with his coordination for years.

As far as I can tell Dino is just an idiot with all the dexterity of a newborn foal. I thought he was supposed to be a little more coordinated when his men were around?

At least he’s pretty.

Tsuna lands on top of Dino at the bottom of the staircase as calls of ‘boss!’ echo down at them. Tsuna isn’t paying them any mind. He just stares at me.

“What did you DO!?”

I shrug, “I got bored.”

“It was only for five minutes. We were only up there for five minutes. How did you cause a riot in five minutes!?” He exclaims with incredulity.

“I’dunno.”

Dino lets out a pained groan and pulls himself up making Tsuna tumble off his back and on the hardwood with a yelp.

“You okay there Doll-Face?” I reach out a hand to help him up and I am treated with a look of wide-eyed confusion.

“Huh?”

“Shit, you didn’t give yourself brain damage or something right?”

“Doll-Face?” He repeats weakly.

“Yes, don’t worry, you're still very pretty,” I reassure him.

Because apparently this is a thing that I’m doing now. My brain to mouth filter seems to be malfunctioning right now. Not that it ever seems to work super great.

He doesn’t even respond this time. He just makes a strangled chicken noise and stares at me. Dino is too fucking easy to mess with. Which is too bad, I like a little banter.

“Inari is a very straight forward young man Dame-Dino,” Reborn says as he appears on the end of the banister. “You’ll get used to it.”

Ah, there’s my witty banter, right on cue.

“I don’t believe in censorship,” I shoot back.

He quirks an eyebrow at me and surveys the chaos that I have wrought upon the household in my fit of pettiness. “You believe in shit disturbing.”

“Same thing,” I grin.

Takeshi and Hayato finally manage to squeeze their way through the sea of people cluttering our living room and make their way into the foyer to join the rest of us.

“Sorry Tsuna,” Takeshi apologizes with an easy smile, “He got away from us.”

“I’m sorry Tsuna-sama! I failed you!” Hayato wails melodramatically and launches himself at Tsuna again.

“GAH! Hayato-kun you’re crushing me!”

* * *

* * *

“I didn’t really get a chance to introduce myself to all of you before,” Dino says, once we are all seated around the kitchen table and the majority of his minions have cleared out of our house. “My name is Dino Cavallone, I am the tenth boss of the Cavallone Familiga.”

He makes an attempt to bow while seated at the table and succeeds in bonking his forehead against the table. The fact that he had been attempting to be all suave and debonair with that introduction just makes it that much funnier.

“Ouch,” He says rubbing at his forehead.

“A-are you alright Dino-san?” Tsuna asks as I laugh at his misfortune.

“Fine, fine,” he reassures us, “I didn’t think the table was so close.”

I just stare at him.

“Are you very high?” Hayato asks at point-blank.

I appreciate that because I was wondering the same thing. That, or maybe he needs an eye exam because there might be something very wrong with his depth perception. Maybe he just needs some glasses.

...

Fuck, he would be even hotter with glasses. He can never get glasses I would die. I would just fucking die.

“The Cavallone Family has been allied with the Vongola for generations.” Reborn cuts in, as half of the table coughs and sputters over Hayato’s very important question (which we don’t get an answer to). “Dino and his boys will be around to help keep an eye on Namimori and you lot while we deal with the ongoing infestation of Hitmen that have arrived in the area.”

“Oh, um, thank you Dino-san please take care of us,” Tsuna says gratefully, and then he does the exact same thing that Dino just did and bows at the waist and bonks his head against the table.

Dino laughs and slings an arm around Tsuna’s shoulder, “Relax kid you’re way too uptight.”

“Oi, watch your hands, you weirdo!” Hayato snaps at him and waves his hands spastically across the table like Dino was a very irritating fly. “Don’t think that you can get all handsy with Tsuna-Sama!”

“He’s friendly isn’t he,” Takeshi leans over and mutters to me.

“And possibly on a whole bunch of drugs,” I mumble back while everyone’s attention is on Hayato.

“There is that too.”

I’m glad that mom had taken Lambo out shopping with her once Dino and his guys had all shown up. I can only imagine how crazy this might have been if we had thrown a toddler with the powers of time travel and very little emotional control into this mix. Though I have to wonder why she felt comfortable leaving her teenage sons home alone with a whole bunch of strange men.

I’m going to assume that Reborn offered some sort of convincing explanation to her. That or she is so overtired that she isn’t thinking straight anymore.

“I was Reborn’s apprentice before Vongola Nono contracted him to come over here to teach you,” Dino continues once Hayato has been calmed down. “So you can think of me as your older brother. Call me Dino-niichan.”

“Ahh-“ Tsuna wavers at the intensely awkward and personal turn this conversation has taken. “Alright, Dino-niichan?”

Dino is lucky he’s so entertaining and nice to look at or I might be taking issue with all of this.

“Dino is also going to be helping me ‘teach’ you boys while your school is being repaired,” Reborn adds while looking around at all of us. He gives me a particularly meaningful look before adding; “play nice.”

“Never.” I shoot back cheekily.

He rolls his eyes and turns his attention away.

I prop my chin on my hand and lean against the table, giving Dino my best flirty stare. “Sorry about messing with your boys Doll-Face.”

He ‘eeps’ , which is adorable, and proceeds to turn bright fucking red. I don’t know how someone it’s such thin skin managed to become a respected mob boss. But, then again, he did manage to survive Reborn’s spartan training regime so there must be an edge somewhere under all those squishy awkward layers.

Takeshi raises his hand as if we were actually in class right now and asks, “do you mean us too?”

“You boys are part of the Family now,” Reborn answers. “I’m hardly going to leave Dame-Tsuna’s protectors untrained and uneducated.”

Tsuna makes a somewhat concerning gurgling noise at the mention of ‘Family’ and ‘Protectors’ but offered none of his usual protests. Which is odd. Usually, he would be screaming useless denials to the heavens at this point.

What the heck did I miss in that five-minute meeting?

“That’s fine then just as long as it doesn’t cut too much into baseball. We have a couple of games coming up during the break and I’m looking forward to playing with the team again.”

I give him a somewhat startled look when he says this. He hasn’t really mentioned playing since the whole roof thing. I’m glad though. He always loved the game so much, it would have sucked it he had quit altogether.

“That should be fine Takeshi-kun,” Reborn says.

As Hayato mutters, “Baseball idiot,” under his breath.

It goes without saying at this point that Hayato is down for whatever crazy shit Tsuna is getting dragged into without any questions.

Dino finally manages to pull himself together and has fixed a charming smile on his stupid attractive face and is resolutely not looking at me. “It’s going to be great I’m really looking forward to being the teacher now.” He still has an arm slung around Tsuna’s shoulder and my poor brother is starting to look a little bit uncomfortable from the prolonged affection.

He shoots me a look that clearly communicates ‘please get him off me now please, Inari, please.’

Who am I to deny such a sincere plea for aid?

I get up and meander casually around the table and clap a friendly hand on Dino’s shoulder, “Please take good care of us Dino-sensei~”

And if I give him a tiny little controlled shock.... oopsy?

He leaps up from the table and somehow ends up doing a complete forward flip before landing flat on his face on the kitchen floor.

That was a bit more of a dramatic reaction that I had been anticipating. We all watch as he twitches and groans from the ground.

“So, that was a bit of a dick move on my part, so sorry. But I’m pretty sure that was only like forty percent my fault. Because I have no idea how he managed to do THAT.”

“Dame-Dino, You have to keep your wits about you when dealing with bratty children,” Reborn chides.

“Oi! Rude!”

Tsuna reaches out and tugs firmly on my shirt so I fall into Dino’s now vacated chair with an ‘oomph.’ He wraps his arms around my waist and rests his chin on my shoulder.

“Stooooooooop,” he drags out the word and as he does so the ball of irritation that has steadily built in my chest pops and I sag and relax into him.

“Fiiiiiiiiiiiine.”

“Dino-san is nice enough,” Tsuna continues murmuring as we watch Dino flop and fall over again as Reborn teases him relentlessly.

“He’s lucky he’s pretty,” I grumble.

“You always get so hostile whenever you have a crush.”

“Not a crush, very much not a crush,” I deny immediately. “I’m just going to be here appreciating the very pretty eye candy.”

“You’re impossible,” He laughs and then abandons me to go help out his new Mob Boss- Sempai.

The talking goes on for a bit more. I zone out around the time that Reborn starts talking about lesson plans and training regimens. I’m sure it’s fascinating stuff and all but... I have had a day already. Intensive thought is sort of escaping me at the moment.

Blah, blah, blah math.

Blah, blah, blah survival training.

Blah, blah, blah, turtle.

Oh...

Hello, turtle.

I probably shout have noticed the little turtle crawling around on the kitchen table before now, but as I said before I’ve had a day and I’ve been ‘distracted.’

He’s a cute turtle.

I think his name is Enzio?

Has Dino introduced us to his animal companion yet?

I don’t think he has, but I do remember Enzio from ‘before.’ And if I remember right Leon made Enzio for Dino didn’t he? I’m not quite sure how that works. Probably in the same way that he does all his other magic item dispensing.

And Enzio is a magic turtle.

Like a chia pet; ‘just add water and watch 'em grow!’

Is Enzio Leon’s baby then?

I bet Leon wants to visit his weird magic turtle baby.

I look over at Leon who is in his usual place perched on top of Reborn’s fedora. Sure enough, the little chameleon is staring intently at Enzio who is in the process of slowly crawling across the table in the direction of his human's voice.

Leon suddenly locks eyes with me and... whoa.

I am hit with this sudden projection of intent and desire. It feels like an entire orchestra suddenly forcing itself into my head.

And yeah.

Yeah, Leon really wants to visit his baby. Now, if that would be convenient.

I lean my chair back and reach out to where Reborn has perched himself on the adjacent countertop by the stove and create a bridge for Leon to climb upon and once he is safely attached to my hand I turn and lower him gently onto the table.

He immediately makes a B-Line for Enzio his eyes shining a bright golden light.

Reptiles don’t really emote the same way that humans or other mammals do. But there don’t to be here for me to understand the feelings of gratitude, and love, and ‘hello dear how are you I’ve missed you. Has the human been treating you well?’

I can ‘hear’ it.

The same way that I can ‘hear’ flames when they are being used. At least that’s what I think that is. The frequency, the rhythm, the harmony. And for most folks, it’s like one instrument that plays a steady melody.

What is being projected from Leon at this moment is multiplied by thousands. It is more vast and consuming than anything that I have ever experience before. It is immense and immeasurable and consuming.

I can hear voices.

I had asked Reborn what Leon is. He had managed to worm his way out of that conversation without giving me a hint. I am now even more curious than I was before.

And much more afraid than I was before.

**It’s bigger on the inside**

The intensity lasts for a moment longer.

And then it’s gone.

Everyone has stopped talking and is now looking at me.

I have to stop doing things that draw attention to me. Things like plucking Reborn’s lizard buddy of his hat while he is in the middle of giving a lecture. Dino actually is looking between us like he thinks Reborn is about to pull out a gun and shoot me for getting too familiar.

He can deal.

“Leon wanted to visit his baby,” I explain and turn back to watching the adorable reunion.

Dino brightens considerably at this.

“Reborn told you about Enzio then? Isn’t he cool!?”

He reaches out a finger and affectionately rubs the top of the little turtles head. Once again, can’t really read reptile emotions very well but Enzio seems to bask in the attention.

“Isn’t that a turtle?” Hayato asks.

“Yup.”

“But Leon is a lizard,” Tsuna chimes in. “How could he have a baby that’s a turtle?”

Reborn doesn’t answer him. He’s is just staring right at me trying to puzzle something out.

I slipped up again. Though this time was somewhat more deliberate. There is no way that I could have known the connection between Leon and Enzio. I don’t offer any explanations, he can chalk it up to the whole precognition thing. Besides, I don’t think I could come up with a more suitable lie right now.

He owes me magical reptile lore anyway.

“Dame-Tsuna,” he finally says, “you should know by now that Leon is not an ordinary lizard.”

“That’s right,” Dino adds. “Before Reborn was reassigned here I asked if he would give me Leon but of course he wouldn’t part from such a useful familiar so he got Leon to make Enzio instead.”

“He’s a very cute turtle,” Takeshi smiles.

“Does it DO anything?” Hayato inquires curiously looking over the reptilian duo.

“You’ll see,” Dino answers with his best attempt at a devious smile.

* * *

* * *

Dino and his boys leave soon after that. With a promise to come back tomorrow to start up our brand new training regime. Hayato and Takeshi hitch a ride with them back to their respective homes. Apparently, it still isn’t super safe for any of us to go wandering around without an escort. I don’t know why I think we did a pretty good job taking care of shit before.

Better safe than sorry I guess.

Takeshi grabs Hayato as they walk out the door and invites him to come back home to him. I think he must have caught the bit about Shamal being an unrepentant pervert who has taken up residence in Hayato’s student dorm.

Hayato hisses at the offer like an angry cat, but Takeshi keeps at it as they head toward the car. Tempting him with promises of homemade sushi. Hayato will cave. There is no way he will be able to withstand the overwhelming power of Takeshi’s puppy dog stare and unwavering smile.

Everyone here goes to bed early. Mom and Lambo are out at seven. Neither of them could stop yawning once they got back home from their shopping trip. She went to tuck him in and fell asleep while reading a bedtime story. I make sure to tuck mom into when I peek my head in.

Tsuna is asleep soon after, face down in the pillow and snoring. He had quite the day too. What with making a new boss alliance (or whatever they were doing that I wasn’t included in), kicking me out of my panic attack. He deserves a good night's sleep.

Even Reborn is dead to the world. Which is more than understandable because I don’t think he slept at all from the day of the hitman invasion to now. He’s laying on his back in the Leon hammock with his hat over his eyes and breathing deeply and evenly. He hadn’t even bothered to change into his pajamas before he crashed.

This once again leaves me in the somewhat awkward position of being the only person awake in the house.

I swear to god I am not going to have a crazy meltdown again.

However, I refuse to stay in this room staring at the walls again.

Once I’m sure that everyone is well and truly in dreamland, I lean over and reach under my bed to pull out my stolen ray gun and quietly as I can creep out of the bedroom. Making sure to avoid the creepy floorboards and quietly shut the door behind me.

I have some things to think about.

Important things.

Things that I should probably tell Reborn about but...

I need to make sense of this shit in my own head first.

I enter the kitchen and switch on the stove light, filling the room with a dim orange glow that flickers every so often. As quietly as i can I turn on the tap and quickly fill the electric kettle and then switch it on.

And I pick out my favorite mug, and my favourite tea bag, and I wait.

Here is what I know:

Rokudo Mukuro has been watching our house.

I don’t know how long he’s been doing this for but now I am sure that he has been. And I know that it’s him. I had known that it was him when I looked into the eyes of the corpse woman back in the gym.

I know it was him that was going for Tsuna at the end there.

But some things aren’t quite adding up between what I ‘know’ and what ‘is.’

He’s stronger than he should be, I think.

He’s also here sooner than he should be (if he is, in fact, here at all).

I really do have to wonder how long Mukuro has been staking out our house? It can’t have been too long. I would hope that someone other than me would have noticed a suspicious owl looking into our bedroom. At least to point out the fact that there is a Snowy Owl hanging out in Namimori out of season, if not to point him out as an assassin.

But then again, Rokudo Mukuro is an illusionist and a very powerful one at that. I don’t know if he can use illusions though something he’s possessing, but as of now, all signs point to yes. Honestly, I hadn’t even noticed him until I was right up in the tree next to him. And while I’m reluctant to believe anything that asshole from Della Rosa said, he had mentioned that Reborn isn’t great with spotting Mist users.

I guess even the world’s greatest hitman is allowed to have some faults and foibles. Life wouldn’t be interesting if he was good at everything.

Still, this probably means that I’m going to have to exercise some CONSTANT VIGILANCE. I’m not sure how good Dino and his guys are with illusionists, but at this point, I am going to hope for the best and plan for the worst. At least until I know what the fuck he wants. And until I figure out what the heck is up with the Estraeno.

Because the Estraeno Family are a linchpin in this entire mess that is really fucking with me.

Ever since I spotted him at the school I have been remembering things about Mukuro’s storyline. And I’m pretty sure that the way the plot went was: the Estraeno had been blacklisted in the mafia for all the fucked up child experimentation shit that they had been into, and subsequently singlehandedly slaughtered by Mukuro himself.

Obviously that didn’t happen though.

Because Bruno Estraeno was camped out in Namimori Middle School disguised as Mrs. Nakamura, watching me and Tsuna for whatever reason. That prick who was talking about the Estraeno with Reborn went on like they were regularly contracted to take on jobs with other Mafia Families.

And I know in my gut that the corpse woman and the crystal monster were from the Estraeno Family. Mukuro himself had given that away when he had possessed the corpse woman and showed off his very distinctive eyes.

Of course, I don’t know what any of that means other than the fact that the family of child experimenting monsters hadn’t gotten their just deserts yet... or they had and Rokudo Mukuro is playing a very different game.

I take a sip of my cooling tea and stare into the darkness of the night and listen to the quiet rattle of the refrigerator. I can sort of make out a couple of Dino's guys walking past the yard on their patrol route. It had seemed a little excessive when Pretty-Boy had shown up with what seems like his entire God-Damn Familiga, but now that they have actually gotten to work and aren’t all standing around in one place I can see the reasoning behind it. He probably has them patrolling all of Namimori.

I sigh and start to fiddle with my ray gun. I’m not going to get anywhere going in circles trying to figure out what a guy who specializes in subterfuge and misdirection is planning. He’s dangerous, he might have an army of assholes backing him, and he’s interested in Vongola Decimo.

Great.

We’ll leave it at that for now.

I keep messing around with the ray gun as I continue to sip on my tea. I think there’s something wrong with it now. Before it had just sort of instantaneously charged when I had picked it up. Now the display keeps going through this whole:

**SYNCHRONIZING...**

**SYNCHRONIZING...**

**SYNCHRONIZING...**

**ERROR**

**ANALYZING FREQUENCY**

**585nm**

**540Thz**

**ERROR**

**ANALYZING FREQUENCY**

**3Hz**

**10000000000000000000000000000**

**ERROR**

I try a few more times, but each time it reads out some completely different numbers and I have no idea what the heck they mean. Maybe it took a hit after I went down and it's broken now? That would suck, it seems like such a useful weapon.

**SYNCHRONIZING**

Maybe I have to concentrate on using the power of magic lightning for it to work. I readjust my grip and concentrate on a thunderbolt. It’s easy while looking at the Lichtenberg Figures.

I feel something start to crackle and the smell of ozone filling the kitchen.

**ANALYZING FREQUENCY**

And then my phone starts buzzing.

I hadn’t even realized that I had brought it with me. I’m so startled that I drop the ray gun and it clatters against the countertop. I fish around in my pockets and pull out my cell phone.

Unknown Caller.

That’s suspicious.

It might just be a telemarketer.

But then again...

I shouldn’t answer this.

It’s not a good idea to answer random phone calls at one in the morning where there are people who are interested in killing you.

“Hello?” I answer in a hushed whisper.

“As fascinating as all this data that you’ve been sending me is I am going to advise you to desist your current actions,” Verde drawls. “Unless of course your intent is to cause massive structural damage to your home.”

“What? No, wait, how did you get my number!?” I demand.

“Unimportant,” I can feel him rolling his eyes at me. “Considering your well on your way to creating an EMP in your kitchen... unless that was your intent.”

I give the ray gun a concerned look and use a finger to nudge it away from me. It is giving off a somewhat concerning high pitched ringing noise. That can’t be good.

“No, no I wasn’t going for EMP I was going for charging the ray gun.”

“...Ray gun?” I can hear the judgment in his voice.

“What do you want from me? It looks like something straight out of Star Trek.”

“Utilitarian enough I suppose.”

“Not that I don’t appreciate you stopping me from blowing up my kitchen and blacking out the neighborhood and all, but was there any other reason that you called?”

I hear a few keyboard clicks across the line, and some mumbling about sinusoidal wavelength forms and frequency spikes. I’m almost about to hang up on him when he starts talking at me again.

“...Strange.”

“What is?” My interest is piqued.

“Place your fingers on the sensor pads along the grip.” He says ignoring my question completely.

“Huh,” I pick up the ray gun again and look it over until I spot four faint circular depressions built-in. “Kay, now what?”

“A moment...” There is the sound of more typing as the display starts rapidly scrolling through numbers and equations that I could never hope to understand even if they weren’t flashing past in milliseconds.

I watch as the chamber, which was previously dormant begins to fill with a sparkling green light interspersed with starbursts of orange that pop into existence and then just as quickly fade into the solid green. It’s almost like watching a hypnotic screensaver.

**CALIBRATION COMPLETE**

“Oh, hey, cool.”

Verde lets me ooh and aah over the now functional ray gun for a little while before speaking again.

“He was correct when he said that you have the self-preservation instincts of a stoned lemming,” he comments dryly. “You do realize that there was every chance that I could have killed you at that moment?”

“You wouldn’t though,” I shoot back without much thought.

“There is no evidence to support that hypothesis. In our previous interaction, I had my testers set to eliminate you and your brother.”

“Yeah, but, you said you wouldn’t do that anymore.”

“And you believed me?” The disbelief in his voice is palpable.

“Well, yes,” I say. “ I mean if you really wanted to kill me you could have done it without calling first. Heck, you could have just waited until I blew up the house because I was fucking with something beyond my understanding. But you didn’t, which means that you don’t want me dead, and you probably want something from me.”

There is a drawn-out moment of silence. Not even the sound of typing to break it up.

“It was more of a passing curiosity as to why my system was being flooded with so many repetitive data points.”

I flush little at the jab. “I was experimenting!”

“By attempting the same sequence again and again and again,” he continues. “Did you know that Albert Einstein defined insanity as repeating the same actions and expecting different results.”

Verde is such a snarky bitch. I both love and hate it.

It also occurs to me that I should go wake up Reborn and let him know that his Arcobaleno buddy that tried to kill us a few days ago is calling me. That would be the smart thing to do. But as Verde is so clearly pointing out now I am not the sharpest tool in the shed. And besides, I got a ray gun out of it.

“Okay point taken you don’t have to get all snarky about it.”

He chuckles lightly and starts typing again.

“If you are interested in further ‘experimentation’ I may have some things for you to assist me with in the future.”

“Uhhhh, doing what?”

“I’m sure you will see.”

And then he hangs up.

He just hangs up without waiting for a yes or a no. I think he is just assuming that I’m going to end up going along with whatever mad science experiment that he ends up throwing at me. Which is fair.

Reborn was accurate when he said that I have the self preservation instincts of a stoned lemming... also, does Verde have us bugged? I don’t know when he would have heard that lovely descriptor that Reborn came up with. Just how many people have been spying on us? I am starting to feel all violated and shit.

Whatever, I’ll worry about it later.

I down the rest of my, now cold, tea in one gulp and make my way back upstairs. Being careful to skip over the creaky floorboards and to quietly open the bedroom door and sneak back into bed.

Where I sit cross-legged and stare up at Reborn in his hammock.

He stares back down at me with half-lidded eyes.

“Monello,” He greets in a hushed whisper.

I’m not quite sure what that means but I think I might have been demoted in terms of the affectionate nicknames.

“Hey.”

I lay the ray gun on the bed next to me in full view. I had thought about hiding it from him. But that would be pointless as I intend to use my fun new toy. And besides, we need to have something approaching an honest conversation.

“I need to talk to you about some stuff.”

He shifts in the hammock before silently dropping out of it and onto the bed next to me. He doesn’t move any further than that, but he does give the ray gun a very pointed and curious look.

“What’s on your mind?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Questions, questions, questions!
> 
> What do you think? 
> 
> Let me know in the comments. 
> 
> As always I always love hearing from you guys :)


	12. Let’s Try for Honesty

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes all you’re left with is even more questions.

The trouble with starting a conversation with something like; “I need to talk to you,” or “we need to talk,” or anything to that general effect is that you need to actually follow that up with something. Really, if it’s anything other than dead fucking silence you’re probably doing it better than me. I have to wrestle with myself to not immediately spout off some random bullshit like I usually would when I’m expected to convey anything with any degree of seriousness.

I want to be honest here.

Sort of.

The point is, I need Reborn to trust me. On a more personal note, I want Reborn to trust me. But in the immediate now I’m going to need him to take a lot of shit on faith right now, and preferably not shoot me.

“Brat?”

“Give me a second,” I request. “There’s a lot.”

He makes a motion of acquiescence and makes himself comfortable.

Great, good, perfect.

Where the hell do I even start?

“You know that I know shit that I shouldn’t know,” I start, might as well start on the previously trod ground. “You know that right? We covered that bit back in the hospital.”

“Your ‘premonitions.’”

“Yeah, those, whatever,” I sigh deeply and scoot myself back on my bed to brace my back against the wall. “Point is, I had one of those ‘my brain is screaming at me’ moments last night, this morning?”

The look he’s giving me is one that is quickly losing interest with my blathering nonsense.

“We’re being watched,” I blurt out suddenly and unceremoniously.

Reborn immediately twists around so that he has eyes on Tsuna. When he sees that my brother is still fast away and snoring his eyes begin to roam the room. It’s difficult to track his gaze, just because his eyes are impossible voids of impenetrable darkness. But, even I can see the climbing levels of anxiety.

“Relax man,” I attempt to soothe before he starts shooting. “We’re not being watched right this second.”

Or maybe we are? I have no idea how any of this supernatural surveillance stuff works. But I’m pretty sure that Mukuro isn’t creeping on us right now.

I shoot a suspicious look at the tree outside the window. Just to make sure"

“Explain. Now.” He grinds out.

I still find it amazing that he can pull off intimidating while looking like an infant.

“Back at the school there were a lot of scary fuckers running around but, at the end there, there were the two that were the really scary ones,” I need to take a moment to banish the extremely upsetting memory of jagged crystals shlorping out of the flesh as jawless monstrosity screams silently in agony.

“The woman with the stitches and the crystal monster thing.” I finally manage to clarify after fighting off the wave of nausea.

“Shamal disposed to the monstrosity and you and Dame-Tsuna-“ He trails off at the end and I have the sudden, horrible, realization that he thinks that Tsuna actually killed someone.

He didn’t.

He couldn’t have anyway because...

“She was already dead.” I blurt out before he has a chance to get any further along that train of thought.

Reborn fixes me with a stern yet sympathetic gaze, “Inari.”

“I know, I know, but trust me it's about to get even more unbelievable in here. So just hold on to your logic and objections.”

Thankfully, he doesn’t argue. However, the disbelief across his face doesn’t entirely melt away. Which is fair considering I’m about to tell him  
all about zombies, human experimentation, and possession. I could script a horror movie with all of this.

“She was dead, but there was someone or something else in there driving the body.”

“And this has something to do with the house being under observation how?”

“This is the preface part of that, This part is important too... Anyway, it was her eyes. The way her eyes changed. They were all blank and then they were this super distinctive heterochromatic blue and red. And the weirdest part of that was the fact that the left eye had the kanji for ‘six’ instead of an actual pupil.”

I breathe slowly trying to order my thoughts. I probably should have written this down before I started. I am well aware of how stupid this is sounding. Too late for that now though. I’m committed now, no going back.

“Everything about what happened after that was all sorts of fucked up and wrong. But the way she looked and moved was extra wrong. When she came at Tsuna it was like a puppet moving on wires.”

Thinking back there had also been a distinctive blue tint to her lips and skink that had been particularly off-putting. I hadn’t really had a chance to think too hard about stitch face when her partner crystal monster had been trying to squish us under his enormous fists. But I had gotten a few good looks at her.

And she had looked dead.

“And I’m telling you all this because I saw those exact same eyes earlier today.”

Tsuna’s snores stutter and we both quiet and stare over at him. A moment passes and he mumbles something about a hamburger and then falls back into a deep sleep.

It’s not that I want to hide things from Tsuna. It’s just that I don’t think he would appreciate being woken up in the middle of the night again to learn about the guy who literally wants to possess his body.

Because, yeah, I had remembered that lovely bit of plot.

I’m not sure if that is still the crux of Rokudo Mukuro’s nefarious plot. He might not. A lot of things have changed from that original story. But if he still wants to take down the mafia there really isn’t a better tool than the heir to the most powerful Family under his control.

I would never let him get that far of course.

Reborn looks extremely intent and interested now. On the edge of his proverbial seat waiting for the big reveal. Unfortunately, I can’t go spouting on about how a guy named Rokudo Mukuro wants to burn the mafia to the ground. I don’t even think that’s his real name, and if the Estraeno are still around there probably isn’t a bounty on his head for me to point to.

I nod my head pointedly at the tree.

“I told you all -Evil Owl.”

“An owl.” He repeats flatly.

“Everything sounds unimpressive when you say it like that.”

“Kid.”

“Don’t get all judgemental. I don’t know how else to describe it. It was an owl with crazy heterochromatic eyes, one blue and one red and it was watching our room.” I fiddle mindlessly with a loose string on my blankets. “I didn’t even see it there at first there was just something screaming in my head ASSASSIN, ASSASSIN, ASSASSIN!”

Reborn stares intently out the window into the darkness of the night. He looks incredibly stressed out by all of this. Maybe I should have waited until he had a full night of sleep before dropping all of this on him. I doubt he would have appreciated a delay on account of sleep deprivation though.

“So any ideas,” I ask him when he doesn’t offer any immediate response. “Because all I could think of is that there is someone out there with the power to take over people's minds or bodies. And I don’t know if it has to be dead or alive bodies. But there was also what that one asshole said ‘Estraeno’ and ‘Mists’ and I have a feeling that it's all connected.”

Yes, this part is me fibbing a little bit. But only barely. It’s more or less just a nice big nudge in the right direction because I can’t think of any better way to get Reborn’s attention on the Estraeno.

I know jack shit about that Family other than the fact that they played an important part in Mukuro’s backstory and they were into some really bad shit. And that it was really bad shit even by mafia standards. And if they haven’t already been wiped out then I’m even more worried about why they have their eyes on Tsuna.

Reborn pinches the bridge of his nose and clenches his eyes shut tightly.

“I need coffee,” He mutters forlornly.

“I think you drink too much coffee dude. Haven’t you heard that caffeine stunts your growth?” I tease him lightly. “You should cut down on the coffee. Maybe switch to decaf.”

Reborn stares at me with his wide void-like eyes and slowly blinks.

“There are very few earthly pleasures afforded to me Monello, don’t even think about fucking with my espresso,” he threatens.

I raise my hands in submission and laugh. “Ease up man, I wasn’t going to do anything to your sweet ambrosia.”

I do have to bite my tongue to keep from blurting out a dirty joke about ‘Earthly Pleasures’ though. I doubt he would appreciate it right  
now, and the more I think about it the more depressing it actually seems. He’s harassed enough as it is.

I do enjoy bugging him though. I can’t help it. Reborn, as I knew him, was always so unfazed and untouchable. It just makes me want to poke and tease him until I get those genuine reactions. And the fact that I have already managed to catch him off balance half a dozen times makes me want to do it even more. Don’t get me wrong I still think he’s the fucking coolest and if I can be even half as cool as he is when I grow up I will have done something right. But he deserves it for all the crap he gives Tsuna. It’s my own unique brand of sibling justice.

I wonder if I could make Reborn blush?

It would one hundred percent result in me getting shot and my body subsequently being dumped in international waters. But it might actually be worth it just to see what might happen.

I like to live dangerously after all.

....

Next time.

Right now we need to finish this conversation.

“I’ll have some of my contacts back in Naples do some digging on the Estraeno Family,” Reborn says.

He fishes out his phone and starts typing out a message. I think he’s actually writing out formatted paragraphs with proper punctuation and everything because he is secretly an OCD nerd. Which is fucking adorable.

“I will also let Dino and his boys know to be on the lookout for anyone with red and blue eyes that might be lurking around,” he stops typing and frowns. “Unfortunately, I don’t believe any of his Family are adept Mists which might make our rogue illusionist a bit more difficult to pinpoint.”

I watch as he deletes a block of text and proceeds to do re-writes. He’s muttering to himself now. I don’t think he’s entirely aware that he’s doing it with being dangerously overtired and all.

“Dame-Dino should be able to spot illusionists himself.”

“He just needs to roll a high enough perception check,” I joke.

“What?”

“Don’t you know anything about D&D? I bet you’d like it. It’s full of dramatic storytelling and math.”

He doesn’t even bother to dignify that with a response. He just goes back to typing out his orders to Dino.

“You should probably tell Pretty Dino to keep a lookout for any animals with crazy eyes too. Considering we were being crept on by an owl and indeterminate limits of the weird mind control magic.”

He sighs, backtracks again, and then finally sends off his epic.

“It’s always magic with you isn’t it?” It was probably intended as a criticism but there is enough levity in his voice that it doesn’t quite land that way.

I shrug and let myself flop down onto the bed so we are at eye level with each other.

“Oh, you know, in the absence of an actual explanation about why Tsuna is ignited and imbued with preternatural strength every time you shoot him with one of those fancy bullets of yours, or why some folks seem to be able to generate rainbow fire that gives them superpowers.”

A pillow smacks me in the face and I spend a good long moment sputtering on a mouthful of fabric.

“You need to learn some patience,” Reborn says, smacking me with the pillow once more for good measure. “Besides, you seem to have progressed well enough with your own self-directed research.”

I pull the pillow off of my face to find Reborn giving the ray gun a pointed look again. Fair, I would be pretty suspicious of a mysterious glowing gun-shaped object too if I didn’t know what it was or where it came from. But I have run my own cost-benefit analysis on this and have come to the conclusion that I am keeping the ray gun. After all, Verde has so generously bequeathed it to me.

Which brings us to part two of this evening (or is it morning now?) chat.

The mad scientist who may or may not have this room bugged.

I reach over and drag the weapon to me, and pick it up to give him a better look at it.

“Your buddy Verde is a snarky bitch,” I inform him nonchalantly. “But he builds some pretty nifty shit so I think I’ll forgive him for that.”

A range of emotions quickly pass across his face before settling into unhappy acceptance.

“Also, BTW, I am like ninety-nine percent sure that he has us bugged too. Or it might just be you. Unless I actually do bear a striking resemblance to a stoned lemming.”

He gives the ceiling a somewhat beseeching look, “Dio dammi la forza.”

“Oh yeah, are the Italian lessons still on the table? We got kind of distracted with rapidly escalating chaos but I still want to learn if your down for it.”

The glare that he shoots me speaks volumes. “You are quite possibly the most problematic individual that I have ever met.”

“Oh please, you love it. You’d be bored out of your skull without all the high-intensity bullshit that I summon,” I grin and make a mad swipe for his fedora which is starting to tilt dangerously off his head.

Even exhausted as he is he still manages to dance out of the way. I was expecting that honestly. What I wasn’t expecting was the entire world to suddenly spin as he grasps my arm with unnatural strength and flips me on to my face. My arms are pinned behind my back as very grumpy hitman perches on top of them. I am immediately caught up in an overpowering giggle fit. This is ridiculous.

Everything about this day.

These past few weeks (seven weeks now since he showed up here).

It’s been amazing. And traumatizing.

And I fucking love it.

I mean I could do without the imminent threat of panic attacks, but the rest is just so much fun that I can even deal with that.

“Yes, I think Monello works much better for you,” He says idly before the pressure pinning my arms releases and I let them drop limply onto the bed.

“And that means?” I prompt.

“It means that you are an incorrigible brat.”

I take a moment to mull over my new pet name. I had just been ‘boy’ before right? ‘Brat’ actually takes into account the more stellar aspects of my personality. I think I can live with that.

“I’m going to take that as a compliment.”

“Of course you are.”

We sit in companionable silence for a little while longer. Or, as silent as things can get with Tsuna’s snores and dream time mumbling. At some point, Leon droops down from the ceiling as an iridescent droplet and reforms on the brim of the fedora with a grumpy look (for a reptile at least).

‘You’re keeping my human awake,’ comes the thought? Feeling? Intent?

I’m not sure if Leon is actually projecting words into my brain or if I am just really good at interpreting lizard. Either way, I don’t particularly  
want to be on the bad side of something that might very well be akin to a TARDIS.

“Sorry,” I say sheepishly.

“Hn?”

Because of course, Reborn doesn’t know that I’m having a moment of cross-species communication with his animal companion. And I am definitely not going to be opening the ‘hearing things’ conversation right now. I think we have both just about had it for the night without adding on that extra layer of confusion.

“You know, I’m sorry that I’m keeping you up... again. I know that you must be fucking exhausted right now and I just keep making shit more complicated for you.”

He waves it off.

“It’s fine,” he replies. “ I prefer to know about problems before they have a chance to become problematic.”

“Uh... you’re welcome then?”

He sighs and his gaze noticeably softens.

“Honestly, the fact that you seem to have quickly developed a talent for detecting illusionists is more of a benefit than anything.”

“Cool... I’m pretty sure Tsuna could do it to. I mean he punched corpse lady when she was all invisible and shit and I didn’t even notice her at that point.”

“Tsunayoshi is progressing much better than I could have hoped for considering how he was when I first arrived.”

“Bro-bro is tenacious when he wants to be. It’s just that he usually doesn’t want to be.”

Reborn rolls his eyes.

“Stubbornness seems to be a Vongola family trait.”

I can’t entirely keep the twitch off my face at the mention of ‘Vongola Family Traits.’ Because I might not want to talk about the hole musical  
accompaniment thing but there is something that I do need to ask about.

**Will.**

“What?” he asks flatly. Because Reborn is literally a mind reader.

“You know that whole bardic inspiration thing that I have been rocking? What the fuck?”

“Monello. I haven’t slept in four days, please stop with the metaphors and speak in plain Japanese.”

Holy shit! Four days!?

How is he still alive?!

“That thing that I do when I say a thing and the person that I say it to does the thing but also cranks the dial up to eleven when they do it.”

“It is a passive ability usually associated with the flames of harmony, and even then it is exceedingly rare,” he just explains without trying to be mysterious at all.

And then he lays down on my pillow, pulls up the blankets, and starts snoring.

It’s fine. He can have the bed. He has earned a good night's sleep in a nice fucking bed for once. Seriously, he has spent most of the past month and a half sleeping in a ceiling hammock.

Besides, I got way more out of that conversation than I thought I would.

Harmony huh?

I tip-toe over to the other side of the room and nudge Tsuna over and crawl into bed next to him.

“Buah?”

“Go back to sleep Bro-bro.”

“Ugh~”

* * *

* * *

For the first time since Reborn arrived in Namimori, he sleeps in. Me and Tsuna spend five solid minutes staring at him from across the room waiting for him to spring a trap or something. But no, he just keeps snoozing away.

At some point during the night, Leon had formed himself into one of those fancy sleep mask things and was coving Reborn’s eyes. It’s actually really strange to look at because his eyes are where Reborn’s eyes should be and they are big and yellow and glaring at us. I get the feeling that he wants us to be very quiet.

Cool.

We’ll play the quiet game then.

I raise a finger to my lips and motion for Tsuna to follow me out of the room. He nods nervously and together we quietly and slowly slide out of bed. Carefully avoid the creaky floorboard and silently shut the door behind us.

Lambo is outside the room waiting for us. He draws in a deep breath with a manic grin on his face. And I just know things are about to get very loud in here. So I quickly swoop down to pick him up and quickly whisper into his ear:

“Shush, we’re playing a trick on Reborn so we have to be very very quiet okay.”

If possible he looks even more excited now. He makes a show of zipping his lips and the three of us proceed to creep down the stairs. Lambo quietly starts snickering when we reach the bottom landing. This time Tsuna shushes him and puts on a show of miming out what he thinks Reborn will do to us if he catches us ditching him.

I don’t think it quite comes across that way though since Tsuna just looks like he is doing a very weird dance.

I usher them both through the living room and into the kitchen where the smell of cooking breakfast awaits us.

“My, you all look chipper this morning,” Mom greets us.

We all quickly raise fingers to our lips.

“We’re playing the quiet game,” I whisper to her. “Reborn is still sleeping.”

“Poor dear,” she says quietly with a fond smile on her face. “He certainly needs it. He was so worried about you boys after that mess at the school.”

“Sorry about all of that Mama.”

“Your both safe now and that’s all that matters to me.” She reaches over to pet Lambo’s mess of curls, “and now we have a new addition to our family too.”

She looks really happy about that. I remember once when we were visiting Grandpa he had told me and Tsuna that mom had always wanted a huge family. A husband, lots of kids, friends coming to visit all the time. She had been lonely as an only child and it had only been her and Grandpa since she was a very young child.

Things hadn’t quite worked out the way she wanted them too. But hey, you never know things can still change, Mom’s only thirty-one after all.

I settle Lambo down into the booster chair that Mom had dug out from storage and leave him to Tsuna to entertain. He gives me a somewhat panicked face when I motion from him to Lambo.

“Just do some magic tricks for him,” I whisper in his ear so Lambo can’t overhear.

Tsuna turns red.

I don’t know why. He is bizarrely good at magic tricks. It is like his one and only talent. The summer that me and Takeshi had gone to “Little Explorers” camp Tsuna had stayed home and had learned sleight of hand magic tricks from Ms. Tanaka up the road.

Tsuna might not be the most coordinated person when in motion but he had spent hours and hours and hours working on those tricks and perfecting them. That’s the tenacity that I was talking about.

He reluctantly picks up the salt and pepper shakers and makes a show of displaying them to Lambo who looks somewhat intrigued about where Tsuna might be going with this.

Tsuna closes his hands over the shakers raises them up and then in one quick motion opens them up and where they should have clattered to the table, there is nothing there.

Lambo stares, eyes wide and glittering with wonder, he is utterly taken in by the magic already.

Tsuna looks much less uncomfortable now that he knows his act won’t be met with immediate ridicule and proceeds to summon back the salt and pepper shakers and proceed on with the rest of the act.

I take this time to slip on my own apron and sidle up next to Mom to help make the breakfast. I take over the omelet station as she starts mixing spices and fruits into the sweet-smelling oatmeal.

“Grazi,” she says.

I am so taken aback by the sudden Italian that I don’t immediately respond.

“Um, whatever the Italian is for ‘you’re welcome?’”

She giggles. “Prego.”

“Huh?”

“It means you’re welcome,” She clarifies.

“Oh...’prego’ Mama.”

“Bene.”

We work quietly for a moment before curiosity gets the best of me and I just have to ask.

“You speak Italian?”

She gives me a sly sidelong look, “Of course, I spent three years studying at a conservatory in Rome you know?”

“I knew you went abroad to study music but I didn’t know it was in Italy.”

Mom nods, “I live there from when I was fifteen until just before I had you boys. It’s were I met Iemitsu you know?”

I freeze at the mention of the old man's name. “I always thought you guys met here.”

“So dad was Italian?” Tsuna asks from behind us, apparently, he had been listening in.

I also note the past tense. Apparently he still hasn’t caught on to the whole ‘our asshole father is a deadbeat who is in fact still alive’ bit.

“Half,” Mom answers him. “Or perhaps more than that considering his family's history of moving back and forth between Italy and Japan.”

“I guess that makes sense,” Tsuna says.

“Did you guys get married over there too?”

“We did, but we had a traditional Shinto service once we arrived back in Japan at your Grandfather's request. You know how he was.” Her smile turns sad.

She misses Grandpa, we all do.

He had been a rock for our family for so long. And the only male role model me and Tsuna had when we were younger. There had always been easy patience about him. He never got angry or frustrated with us and had always taken the time to explain things and tell us stories.

...

It was because of Grandpa that I had learned how to walk again.

And talk again.

...

“Grandpa just wanted to take a million pictures of you looking beautiful in your Kimono.”

“I was eight and a half months pregnant,” she says with a mock challenge in her voice.

“So?”

“With twins.”

“I have personally seen those pictures and you looked gorgeous, Mama.”

She laughs. She laughs loudly and at this point, I’m pretty sure that the quintet game is well and truly a bust because Lambo had started getting roundly once Tsuna had pulled off the newspaper and milk trick.

“Inari-chan, you’re such a charmer. You’re going to make a very lucky girl very happy someday.”

“... sure.” I say awkwardly.

“Or a very lucky boy.”

“...Really?” I have to ask because we have never really talked about it before.

“Of course Inari-chan. But just remember that anyone you or Tsu-kun bring home will be subject to Mama’s strict inspection and high standards.”

“Fair.”

* * *

* * *

Reborn doesn’t actually make it downstairs until we have finished up with breakfast. I make sure to put on another pot of coffee once I start hearing movement upstairs.

We have since relocated into the living room where Tsuna has been coerced into giving Lambo a magic lesson. Of course, he had groused and grumbled about it but he had been smiling the whole time. I think he’s enjoying getting to be ‘the cool older brother’ who teaches something.

Not that I have ever thought of him as anything other than my cool brother.

Reborn appears in the doorway and spends a good long time staring as Tsuna juggles disappearing coins as Lambo and I cheer him on.

When it becomes apparent that he’s still a little too out of it to break out of Tsuna’s mesmerizing spell I disappear back into the kitchen to pour him an enormous mug of coffee.

He accepts the offering gratefully and proceeds to chug down the piping hot coffee. And he doesn’t stop until its empty.

Damn.

That’s both an impressive and terrifying skill.

“Grazi,” he mumbles.

“Prego!” I chirp back, happily showing off my new bit of vocabulary.

Mom had actually kept teaching us words over breakfast. Pointing at random objects and food and saying their name in Italian and having us repeat it. Tsuna had been less than thrilled about being forced to learn yet another language. He can’t seem to get a hang of pronouncing anything other than Japanese.

I actually get the hang of it quickly. The pronunciation part at least. Memorization is going to be something else entirely.

“Bene Inari-chan,” She had said. “You have Mama’s good ears, just remember to **listen closely**.”

“Buongiorno signore come stai?” Mom calls over at him teasingly.

He stares at her for a good long moment before answering, “Molto bene.”

I have a feeling that he just realized that he can do immersive Italian lessons in our own house if he convinces Mom to play along. And I have no doubt that he will convince her to play along.

The phone rings.

“I’ll get it!” Tsuna calls as he races out of the room to escape the impending continuation of the Italian lesson.

Reborn stares at him as he leaves and then trots over to talk to Mom.

I flop down next to Lambo who is doing his best to make the coin disappear.

“Fratello! Fratello! Did you see it!? Did you know that Dame-Tsuna can do magic!?”

Still Dame-Tsuna though. Poor bro. One day that terrible nickname will be forgotten.

“I did. It’s really cool right?”

He nods frantically making a few bits and bobs that he has stashed in his hair come tumbling to the floor. It’s nothing explosive so it should be fine.

“He’s teaching me how to do magic too! Do you know how Fratello? Could you show me?”

“Nah, I don’t know how and Tsuna had to practice for a very long time before he got as good as he is.”

“Then Lambo-san will practice too!”

“That’s the spirit.”

I don’t have the opportunity to say anything else because Tsuna comes barreling back into the room and LAUNCHES HIMSELF AT ME. I don’t even have time to brace myself before my entire brother slams into me knocking all the air out of my lungs.

“Wehavetogonow!”

“What?” I manage to croak.

“Go. Now. We. Us. Go now!”

He’s slowed it down a bit but he still isn’t really making any sense. And the manic intensity that he is directing at me is doing nothing to settle my still frazzled nerves.

“Once more with verbs please!” I snap and kick him off of me so that I can reacquaint myself with sweet oxygen.

It turns out that this wasn’t my best plan as Tsuna just takes this opportunity to grab me by the arms and start dragging me out of the room toward the stairs. The peppy bugle-horn that I have come to associate with my brother is blasting out the ‘Get the fuck up and get ready for combat’ tune.

“Dame-Tsuna, clam down and explain,” Reborn demands as he jumps up onto Tsuna’s shoulder and smacks him across the head.

This seems to snap him out of his manic state. He drops my arms and my head thunks against the floor.

Ow.

“Kyoko,” he says. “Kyoko-chan was on the phone.”

“Is she alright?” Reborn asks seriously.

“Date.”

“Huh?” We all say as a family as we stare at him.

“Kyoko-chan asked me on a date!!” He crows happily.

Bro-bro is adorable when he’s excited.

“What, like, right now?”

“Yes right now!” He snaps. “She’s already waiting for me at the cafe.”

I shoot a look at Reborn.

“Is it okay for us to go out right now?”

Tsuna’s face falls and he shoots some very pathetic puppy dog eyes at both of us.

I’m not entirely sure, but I’m pretty sure we are still on high alert because of the whole ‘assassins want to kill Vongola Decimo’ thing. I know the bounty was retracted an all, but still, better safe than sorry. Even Hayato and Takeshi needed to be escorted here and back yesterday so there is probably still a present danger.

“It should be fine,” Reborn says after a moment of careful consideration.

“YES!” Tsuna exclaims and starts rushing up the stairs.

“Just as long as I go along as a chaperone.” He finishes with a gremlin-like smile.

“Guh-What would a baby know about being a chaperone anyway?” Tsuna pouts.

And yikes I see that twitch of irritation at the corner of Reborn’s eye.

“More than you know about dating Dame-Tsuna.” He replies darkly. “Now go put something respectable on, it’s impolite to keep a lady waiting.”

Tsuna rushes upstairs apparently he doesn’t want to risk angering the overlord any further.

“Well, you guys should have fun,” I say as I head back into the living room. “Let me know how it goes.”

“YOU’RE COMING TOO!” Tsuna hollers down.

“What? Why? I don’t think you need to take your twin on dates with you.”

“KYOKO-CHAN TOLD ME TO BRING YOU!”

I’m not an expert, but I don’t think that’s how dates work.

“That’s not how dates work unless Kyoko is into some seriously kinky shit.”

Tsuna pokes his head around the corner and glares daggers at me.

“Just get ready.” And he throws a ball of clothes into my face.

* * *

* * *

This is definitely not how dates work.

We both sit stiff and straight as the server puts down lovely cake slices and lates with adorable foam pandas in them. Across from us is Kyoko, with her trademark serene smile on her face. She’s happily munching away on her own order called ‘death by chocolate’ which I believe wholeheartedly just by looking at it.

And then there is Hana who is dressed to the nines in a red and black power suit. Her arms crossed and glowering at all of us. I am half terrified that she is going to materialize a shotgun out of thin air and start shooting all of us.

“Hey Hana,” I finally greet after an agonizingly long beat of silence that no one seemed interested in breaking.

“I am so angry with you,” she grinds out between clenched teeth.

When she doesn’t follow that up with anything I decide to do the smart thing and keep my mouth shut until she’s good and ready to have at me.

A quick glance over at Tsuna tells me that he’s not going to be any help dealing with the ticking time bomb that is Hana. He is trapped in a state of love-struck petrification as his eyes shift from Kyoko to Hana and back again. Its love struck because of Kyoko. Petrified because of Hana.

He’s been terrified of Hana ever since they met in that unfortunate ballet class years ago. I don’t know why the instructor always paired them up but she always did without fail. I think she had been hoping that some of Hana’s natural skill and grace would eventually rub off on Tsuna.

It never had, and eventually, Hana had gotten so fed up with Tsuna stepping on her toes and tripping her up she had aggressively switched roles and costumes with him. Forcing him into a glittery tutu while she danced the role of the dashing knight. Things had gone much better for them dancing wise after that, but poor Tsuna had never quite gotten over being forced to wear a dress in public.

Right now Hana is glaring daggers at both of us and tapping her foot against the floor. She has, what her mom calls, her court face on. Which can only mean bad things for us?

I take a sip of my latte and try not to wince at the overpowering flavor of sugar. No, that isn’t going to do anything to calm my nerves. And I don’t know where Reborn disappeared off to, but wherever he’s hiding I’m sure he’s having a good laugh at our expense.

“Tsuna-kun do you want to try a bite of my cake?” Kyoko offers, breaking the silence again. She offers him a bite-sized piece balanced on the end of her fork.

Any more of this and Tsuna’s eyes are going to transform into heart shapes. Don’t get me wrong this is super sweet and all and I am really happy for Tsuna that his dream girl is actually into him. But we are approaching critical levels of sweetness here. If this goes on any longer I’m going to start breaking out in hives.

“S-s-sure!” Tsuna stutters out in his strangled chicken voice.

And he leans over and eats the piece of cake off her fork.

I wonder if he realizes that this is essentially an indirect kiss? Probably not. If he had he would be squealing right now public setting or no.

However, judging by the cat-that-got-the-canary smile on Kyoko’s face she knows exactly what she’s doing. I’ve got to hand it to her for just going for things the way she does. Gangsters hurt her brother? She goes to fuck them up right back. Cute boys she likes? She spoon-feeds him a cake and wraps him around her little finger. There are people out there, lots of people, who are older and wiser who aren’t able to approach romantic shit with even a smidge of the confidence that Kyoko Sasagawa has. The girl has nerves of fucking steel.

“Tasty?”

“Y-yes!”

She giggles and reaches across the table to wipe away a lingering smudge of chocolate from the corner of his mouth and bring it back to her-

HOLY SHIT WHY AM I HERE!?

I do not need to be in such close proximity to these date like activities! This is extremely uncomfortable now. I mean, kudos to Tsuna. But I really don’t need this much visual evidence burgeoning romantic intentions. I make a show of looking away from the two of them and focus on the cutesy pictures on the wall.

Hana loudly clears her throat and I turn my attention back to the table.

“Okay, gross, enough. Kyoko don’t you remember why we’re here?”

“Oh, right, silly me,” Kyoko finishes licking the chocolate off of her thumb and straightens up in her seat, folding her hands on the table in front of her.”

“Tsuna-kun, Inari-kun, I believe that the two of you owe us an explanation.”

“Explanation?” Tsuna repeats dreamily as he continues to stare at Kyoko.

“Yes Sawada, an explanation and for your sake, it better be a good explanation or I will be very unhappy with you.” Hana threatens and Tsuna ‘eeps.’

She means what happened at the school I assume. Kyoko had said that me and Tsuna would explain everything to her later after all.

I’m suddenly very glad that I’m wearing long sleeves right now. If Hana had a chance to spot my brand new (permanently scared on) body art, she would never have let us dally this long. She would have jumped right into demanding answers, loudly and aggressively.

At least this way our group has the pretext of being a completely normal double date.

“You mean why all the assassins right?” I say with all the open honesty that I can muster.

Tsuna jumps and starts flailing around making loud denials and drawing way too much attention to us. I slap a hand over his mouth to quiet him down, not breaking eye contact with Hana.

I’m going to tell her the truth. I am going to tell Hana the truth because she is one of my best and oldest friends. I am going to tell her the truth because she has already gotten herself caught up in this mess.

“Yes Inari, what the fuck?” her defensive posture melts away, but she is still giving me this intense and worried look. She wasn’t expecting that I would tell her so easily.

I am going to tell Kurokawa Hana the truth about this shit because she is the smartest person that I know and I need her.

And I am going to tell Kyoko the truth because she has already kicked some serious ass with us on two separate occasions. And benching the Angel of Vengeance with we’re playing on hard mode is just about the dumbest thing that we could possibly do.

“Inari,” Tsuna protests.

“Tsuna, they’re already involved. And chances are crazy shit is going to keep happening around here and keeping them in the dark isn’t going to do anything other than get them hurt. At this point, it's safer if they know what to keep a lookout for.”

Tsuna stares for a moment longer and then lets out a long quivering breath.

“For the record, I hate this,” He says.

“We all hate this Sawada,” Hana snaps. “Now spill.”

I look at Tsuna. This first bit is all him after all.

“There were assassins here because a whole bunch of people in Italy couldn’t work their shit out and so they killed each other and now I’ve been nominated, against my will, to become the Vongola Decimo.” He intones flatly.

“Vongola?” Kyoko asks.

“I know that name,” Hana says with a frown.

“Vongola is supposedly the biggest and most powerful Mafia Family in the world.”

They both stare blankly at Tsuna before Hana finally blurts out:

“And they chose YOU to run it?” her voice is thick with disbelief.

“That’s what I said!” Tsuna exclaims.

“I’m sure you’ll be a great boss Tsuna-kun,” Kyoko says encouragingly.

“Kyoko-chan, I can’t walk down a flight of stairs without falling on my face. I am routinely chased around the neighborhood by a chihuahua that I am terrified of. I have never been in charge of something in my life. I have no leadership qualities!”

She reaches out and takes his hand in hers.

“I think you're selling yourself a little short Tsuna-kun.”

He calms down almost immediately and looks at their intertwined fingers.

“Remember the motto of Mr. Monkey?” She asks with a soft smile. “You never know until you try.”

And I watch somewhat mesmerized as orange and yellow wisps dance around each other across their hands.

“Sorry to interrupt this adorable moment,” Hana cuts back in. “But when did you two find out about all of this mafia stuff?”

I have to do some quick mental math because Tsuna is incapable of answering at this moment. A lot has happened in a relatively short amount of time.

“Seven weeks ago? Give or take a couple of days.”

“Seven weeks? And it took assassins this long to get here? They must not be the brightest bunch then.”

Tsuna shakes his head snapping back to himself, “They aren’t only here because of the Vongola Decimo thing. Well, they are, but it mostly because some lady in Italy put a bounty of a hundred million on the head of Vongola Decimo.”

Hana chalks on air when she hears the amount, “What lady?! Who the hell has that kind of money?!”

“Her name is Cassandra Della Rosa,” I tell her.

“...The model?” She asks.

And...what?

We all stare at Hana.

I honestly hadn’t been expecting a response to that. I hadn’t known who the hell Cassandra Della Rosa was other than what Reborn had told us about her. She’s a model? Is she a model? Or is it just that she shares the same name with an Italian model?

“She’s a model?” Tsuna asks me quizzically.

“I... don’t know?”

“Honestly, why don’t any of you follow celebrity news?” Hana huffs in exasperation and slides out of the booth. She heads back over to the waiting area and starts rummaging around in the magazine rack. She grabs several, seemingly at random before straightening and coming back to our table.

A woman in the waiting area attempts to stop her from taking them but immediately backs off when Hana literally growls at her.

Nothing gets between Hana and her trash magazines.

She returns to our booth and slams down the small stack of magazines and starts thumbing through the first one. When she finds the page she’s looking for she lays the whole thing down in the center of the table for all of us to see.

Auburn hair, icy blue eyes.

She is beautiful, in an aristocratic kind of way.

And I hate her fucking guts.

“That,” Hana says pointing at the picture, “Is Cassandra Della Rosa.”

“She was the sole heir to the Della Rosa fortune and when her father passed away seven years ago she inherited everything. Including a mansion in Milan where she lives. She probably didn’t have to work another day in her life but she kept modeling and eventually started her own fashion line.”

Hana grabs the second magazine and starts flipping through it. She stops on another page and lays it down so we can all see. This one is from one of those paparazzi rags.

The Cassandra in this photo looks nothing like the last. She looks destroyed.

Whoever took this photo probably has a special place in hell reserved for them.

She is doubled over on herself clutching at her midsection and sobbing. Her eyes are bloodshot and red-rimmed.

There is a heading and an article attached to it:

**Cassandra’s Heartbreak**

“She was almost constantly in the public eye, that is until sixteen months ago when her fiancé died in a tragic accident. And about a week later she had a miscarriage. It was all really sad and after that she kind of just faded out of the public eye.”

Please don’t make me feel bad for her.

Fuck I feel bad for her.

What the hell had the Vongola done to her?

Hana lays down yet another magazine. Its another paparazzi snapshot of Cassandra. She’s dressed to kill in this one. Black on black. Her hair pulled back in an intricate braided twist. And six-inch stiletto heels.

She is also flanked by two dozen suits with a familiar emblem on their lapels.

“There are reports that she got very paranoid after that. She stopped seeing her friends, hired a private security force and had some military-grade security features installed in and around her manor. I think a photographer was electrocuted to death when he tried to break in to get some photos.”

She stops for a moment while she thinks something over.

“Then about three months ago there were some news reports that she had gone missing while on a trip to Naples.”

She shuffles through the fourth and final magazine and sets it down on the table. It's a grainy unfocused image of a window in the manor house.

“Apparently she turned up again about eight weeks ago but she hasn’t left the manor grounds. I don’t get why she would have it out for you two in particular though?”

She, Tsuna and Kyoko start going around talking it out. But I am focused on this last photo. Because there is something off in it. Something that shouldn’t be there. She is looking straight at the camera from the window an unsettling smile stretching across her face warping it into something terrifying and ugly.

That’s not what I’m focused on through. I’m focused on the figure standing behind her.

A young man. Tall and pale with a very distinctive hairstyle.

Fuck.

There is no doubt in my mind that that is Rokudo Mukuro standing there. I have no fucking clue why he’s standing there. What’s the connection?

Why does he seem so much more dangerous than he was supposed to be?

What the hell happened in Naples?

“You have quite the knack for research don’t you Hana?” Reborn says and he descends from a light fixture in the ceiling.

He wanders around the magazines laid out across the table. “This is an amazingly comprehensive timeline considering you only had magazines and fifteen minutes.”

Reborn actually sounds impressed.

“Good afternoon Reborn-chan.” Kyoko greets.

He nods at her but continues to examine the one article.

“Reborn did you know about her already?” Tsuna demands.

“Some, but not all of it,” He replies distractedly. “I lost track of her after Federico’s funeral. And then I was busy training Dame-Dino and by that time the Vongola had mostly lost interest in her.” He drops the magazine back onto the pile. “Apparently your newest Family member has better information synthesizing skills than Vongola’s best agents.”

He loos at Hana, and I’m sure he was going to be all polite and stuff and introduce himself to her. But he doesn’t get a chance. The second he fixes his gaze on Hana she screams blue bloody murder and bolts out of the booth and out the door of the cafe like a bat out of hell.

“Oh dear,” Kyoko signs and starts gathering up all their things before sliding out of the booth herself. “Please forgive her Reborn-chan, Hana has a bit of a phobia.”

And then she leaves to chase after our fleeing friend.

“Crippling infantaphobia,” I clarify as I tear the picture of Cassandra and Mukuro out of the magazine.

“She really hates babies,” Tsuna further reduces, and earns himself a withering glare for his trouble.

“Go settle the bill Dame-Tsuna,” He orders. “We have a schedule to keep.”

“What!? Why me!?” He protests.

“Because it was your ‘date’ Bro-Bro, now go do the manly thing and foot the bill.”

He goes, but he grumbles the whole way.

“So, where to now overlord?” I ask.

“I told you yesterday, Dame-Dino is going to help me whip you, kids, into shape.”

I wonder if he means with his actual literal whip.

* * *

* * *

No sooner do we leave the cafe, then a fleet of fancy fucking cars pulls up in front of us. These Cavallone boys aren’t really that great with the whole subtlety things, are they?

Dino himself steps out of the passenger side of a van with blacked-out windows. His hair falls in perfect golden waves and his stupid perfect face is still way to pretty to be real. I can’t help but stare as he waves and saunters over to us.

And then he trips on a crack in the sidewalk and falls flat on his ass and I remember that Dino is also a doofus. And all is right in the universe again.

“Dino-san are you alright?” Tsuna panics and rushes over to help out his boss-sempai.

I huff a laugh and follow after him.

Reborn hops up onto Dino’s head with a little more aggression than is probably called for.

“Ow, Reborn, do you always have to be so rough?” Dino whines.

“With you lot, yes.”

Dino sighs and pulls himself back up.

“Yes, we’re ready to go. We were just waiting for our guests of honor.”

He winks at us.

And then the door of the van rolls open and I suddenly feel much less certain about the universe as a whole.

Because Takeshi and Hayato are bound, gagged, and blindfolded on the floor of the van.

I make a frantic grab for Tsuna. We can still get away. There is obviously something very, very wrong here, but we can still get away.

And then my arms are pinned behind my back and bound together as a piece of cloth is tied tightly around my eyes and another is shoved into my mouth. I am shoved roughly forward and I tumble into the van right into a body that I immediately recognize as Takeshi.

What the fuck!

“Don’t worry kiddos, big brother Dino is going to take good care of you.”

Yeah, fuck you too Doll-Face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... that was a lot.
> 
> Questions, comments?
> 
> Hearing from you guys always makes my day :)


	13. Of Course You Realize That This Means War

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Don’t make the moron with impulse control issues you’re spokesman.

Want to know a fun fact about me? I don’t generally enjoy being immobilized. It’s not my favorite thing in the world, but hey, if it happens it happens and I can usually talk my way around whatever panic attack is surely incoming.

What I really cant deal with is not being able to move or speak. Let's chalk it up to childhood trauma which will never be spoken of. Too many bad memories that I would rather leave buried in the deepest pits of hell where they belong.

Before panic really starts to set in, at this moment I have to remind myself: ‘You can still move. Nothing is broken. It’s just rope and they were too stupid to tie your legs together. Now get your shit together you fucking moron. You have to ‘rescue’ Tsuna.’

Easier said than done.

But it does help that I can feel Takeshi against my back and my legs and Hayato’s have become tangled as I was unceremoniously thrown on top of them.

There is no way that Dino could have known the extremely specific ways in which this was fucking me up. There was absolutely no way he could know that he just went and stomped on the big red button labeled ‘DON’T!’

I don’t even think Reborn knows about it.

And I don’t know if that means that Iemitsu cares or that he really fucking doesn’t. I don’t really give a shit either way (lie). Part of me kinda hopes that he doesn’t know at all.

The Vongola kept him busy.

He hadn’t thought to ask.

...

Fuck this. I need to get out of this shit before I start getting all depressingly introspective and meander down memory lane.

So Doll-Face hit the big red button.

Of course, you realize that this means war.

I do have to hand it to him for managing to pull a fast one on us. Seriously, I hadn’t seen this coming. Though I should have considering Reborn had straight up told us that we would be doing some ‘training’ with Dino and his boys.

But still, props for the ambush, metaphorical slow claps all around.

And incase I am not entirely clear; yes I am incredibly pissed off right now. Being treated like a shitty piece of luggage doesn’t rank high on the list of things that do it for me. And while I do appreciate the fact that Takeshi and Hayato are at least in the same boat as me (this would be a million times worse right now if they weren’t) they could have at least had the courtesy to throw Tsuna back here with the rest of us.

As it stands right now the three of us can’t do much more than an extremely abstract rendition of the three stooges.

So yes, Doll-Face, you’re going to get it.

Just as soon as I get myself out of this shit and rescue our reluctant boss.

There really isn’t much room to maneuver in here. But hey, I am a relentlessly determined idiot. Logical, spatial constraints mean nothing to me.

It takes a bit of doing. A lot of muffled exclamations, accidentally kicking Hayato in the stomach, and half flipping myself into Takeshi’s lap. But I finally manage to pull my legs through the bound loop of my arms to right myself. I can’t do much about untying them right now, however, I can rip the gag out of my mouth and the blindfold off of my eyes.

HA! Take that!

It is still unbelievably dark in the back of this van though. I guess the last thing you want to install in your creepy kidnapping van is windows. That would probably be a little bit awkward. As it stands the only source of light that we have is coming through the small crack at the bottom of the sliding door.

Not particularly helpful, but at least I can sort of make out Takeshi and Hayato now.

It doesn’t take much extra effort to reach up from my reclined position on his lap to remove the gag from Takeshi’s mouth and pull the blindfold down from his eyes.

“You okay man?” I ask him.

He has to blink a few times to clear his vision and focus in the extremely dim light.

“I don’t like these guys very much,” He says with an uncharacteristic grimace.

There is a bruise blooming on the side of his face, where I assume that one of Dino’s minions got in a lucky shot. I really hope that Yamamoto-san didn’t notice his son getting cold-clocked and kidnapped. If he did we might have an entirely different issue on our hands.

One with a very sharp sword who will kill anyone who dares to lay a hand on his baby.

“Looks like they roughed you up a bit there dude.”

“A bit,” he grins a bit then. “I’ll get him back.”

Hayato takes this moment to kick out at him and lets out an extremely indignant muffled curse. Which I am interpreting to mean, ‘get this shit off of me you dumb fuck!’

Which is fair. I assume he wants to be included in this first meeting of the kidnapped club.

It takes a moment to rock myself up so I can pull the gag out of his mouth and push the blindfold up off of his face.

“I’LL FUCKING KILL 'EM!” He explodes, and I am immediately blown back into Takeshi by the force of his rage.

Takeshi exhales harshly as the back of my head slams into his abdomen. And then all three of us go slamming into the interior wall when whatever idiot driving takes a turn way to fucking hard.

“Get off of me,” I grind out as I am now at the bottom of a human pile. “You fuckers are heavy.”

They are in the process of wiggling off of me when the driver takes another hard turn and we all go careening into the opposite wall. At least I’m on top this time.

Still, this is getting ridiculous.

“LEARN HOW TO DRIVE DICKHEAD!” I holler and bang my bound fists against the cold metal of the interior.

“I hate these guys,” I can hear the manic edge in Hayato’s voice. “I. Hate. Them.”

“Where’s Tsuna?” Takeshi interrupts.

Of course, this derails Hayato’s rant completely.

“Tsuna-sama? TSUNA-SAMA!?”

He somehow manages to work up the strength of ten men and throws us off of him (amazingly without the use of his arms) and starts frantically looking around for Tsuna. That is some dedication there.

“Calm down dumbass Tsuna isn’t here. He somehow managed to escape this terrible slapstick routine.”

“Where is he then!?”

“Hostage seat of honour I assume,” I say with more composure than I feel. “Right up front with the enemy boss.”

“AND YOU JUST LET THEM TAKE HIM!” Hayato demands.

“FUCK YOU I DIDN’T REALLY GET AN OPPORTUNITY TO RAISE OBJECTIONS!” I scream back at him, my momentary composure is broken.

“Hey now, calm down guys,” Takeshi cuts in an attempt to deescalate this stupidity.

I catch a quick flash of blue before it quickly burns out.

I take a breath, and another, “Okay, yeah, okay.” I look over at Hayato and continue, “sorry dude.”

He grumbles a moment before echoing the apology.

“I know you wouldn’t have let them grab the boss if there was something you could have done about it.” He says while uncomfortably averting his gaze.

The words are accompanied by the brief turbulent stirring of piano keys, and I spend a moment staring at him. Poor guy, he has absolutely no idea how to express concern. But it seems like we are on the same page here.

“Yeah, and you guys will watch him if I can’t alright?” I fire back at him, at them both really.

“But for right now we need to get him back so let's do a brief review of our current situation.” I stop to clear my throat for dramatic effect, “So, bad news we’ve been kidnapped and our boss has been taken hostage. Good news, this is all an elaborate training exercise concocted by a pretty moron and as far as I know, we aren’t in any real danger.”

“Are you still on that ‘pretty’ thing?” Hayato interrupts me.

I glower at him as best as I can in the dark.

Takeshi laughs, “If you think this is bad you should have heard the way he used to go on about Hibari.”

I freeze.

Turning slowly, I give him a completely mortified look.

“Traitor,” I hiss. “We do not speak of such terrible things.”

Hayato snickers, “you had a thing for that-“

“Shut up, shut up, shut up!” I can feel my ears burning.

This is Takeshi’s vengeance for making him worry, isn’t it? This is cruel and unusual punishment.

“He used to go on and on about it, ‘Takeshi he’s so pretty~ make it stop.’” He continues on like the jerk he is. Honestly and he thought that I wouldn’t care if he threw himself off of a building. Ass.

I shove my, still bound, hands against his mouth in a desperate attempt to make him S T O P.

“Lies! Treachery!” I shriek. “How dare you betray me like this!?”

Hayato continues to laugh uproariously at my suffering.

Takeshi lets himself fall back with a mirthful laugh of his own and I tumble on top of him with s miserable whine.

“Takeshiiiii~” I wail. “Why are you doing this to me?”

“Hm? What’s wrong? You’re always so funny when you get like this,” he teases.

I give up.

This must be karmic retribution for all of those times that I teased Tsuna about his debilitating crush on Kyoko. This is a little bit unfair though...

And factually untrue.

....now at least.

I lay my head on Takeshi’s chest and let Tweedle-dee and Tweedle-dum finish getting all their laughs out at my expense.

“So do you still-“ Hayato starts to say.

“N O.” I emphatically cut him off. “Hibari Kyoya is a cave troll with the conversational skills of a troglodyte. I much prefer our bond of mutual animosity. It's so much more gratifying to punch him in his stupid face.”

I can feel the ‘you have issues’ look that they are both leveling at me.

“Anyway moving on to something that is actually important. Didn’t you guys hear that bit about our boss being in enemy hands... more so than we are now I mean.”

Thankfully, this seems to sober up the giggling idiots.

“Fuck,” Hayato intones.

“Yeah, I mean, it’s not like actual assassins or something again, because this is like a pre-planned training exercise and all, but still-“

“It’s s matter of pride right?” Takeshi finishes for me.

“Vongola pride,” Hayato continues.

I make a face. I’m feeling a little bit ambivalent about the Vongola right now. I’ve come to the realization that once Tsuna takes over we are probably going to have to do a thorough cleaning of house (but that’s still years away now).

“Pride as the Namimori Neighbourhood Watch at the very least. I mean we can’t very well abide our citizens being taken off the streets.”

The driver hits a particular rough bump in the road and me and Takeshi are flung on top of Hayato.

“At this point, I don’t care what the fuck we call ourselves,” Hayato wheezes. “Please tell me I can shove a stick of dynamiters this fucker’s ass.”

....

“Do you HAVE dynamite?” Takeshi asks with wary curiosity.

I’ll admit, I am also suddenly extremely interested in the answer to this question. How much dynamite are we in this small inclosed space with? And also if it’s any number higher than ‘one’ where the hell is he keeping it?

“Do I have dynamite?” Hayato scoffs, “Who the hell do you think you’re talking to? I ALWAYS have dynamite.”

He pauses to pull one of his arms free from the dog pile and pulls out a small capsule looking thing of indeterminate color.

“I have fucking nitro too,” he finishes, grinning like a lunatic.

In an instant me and Takeshi fly off of him and scurry over to the opposite side of the van. Not that it would do us any good if anything were to actually, you know, explode. But it makes me feel a little bit better.

Hayato should come with one of those warning labels that you find on chemical bottle. The one that literally means ‘Warning this thing can go KA-BOOM at any moment.’

“Kay, cool,” I say nervously and turn to Takeshi. “I don’t suppose you have a bat or some thing sharp and pointy hidden away on you?”

“If I did I’m sure you would have noticed by now.”

“Fair point.”

But it never hurts to ask. Stranger things have happened, and it is entirely possible that Takeshi could have access to his own hammer-space. I mean Hayato is apparently armed to the teeth with explosive materials and neither of us noticed that.

“And stupid me I didn’t think to bring my ray gun when I went to tag along on my brother's date.”

I should have. I thought about it. And then I realized that I would somehow have to think of a way to conceal it and if it was spotted I would have to come up with a non-threatening explanation about why I was traveling around with a very gun-shaped object.

I’m pretty sure the actual explanation won't prevent the police from arresting me either.

“Okay, fuck it, we can work with this.” I don’t know how, but I have faith that we can figure it out. “Also, where the fuck are they taking us? We’ve been driving forever.”

“You don’t recognize the route?” Takeshi asks.

“Nooooo? Dude, I’m not a homing pigeon.”

“We’re on the mountain road.”

“Oh...” there are all those traumatic summer camp memories coming flashing back. “We can work with this.”

* * *

* * *

Tsuna looks so very done with all of this.

He also looks like he’s about to go into cardiac arrest.

I’m glad that he looks like anything at all, to be honest.

It had occurred to me as the van started pulling to a stop that Dino could very well be possessed or in league with our mysterious enemy, and we could very well be driving to our elaborately plotted execution. That would have sucked.

But, no, if Tsuna was in any real danger I would have known it. I would have **felt** it. And moreover Reborn was with him. If I can trust nothing else I can trust that Reborn will look after my brother if I can’t.

The man himself looks completely unbothered by the whole situation. He is sitting perched on Dino’s shoulder with a smug smile on his face.

Doll-Face himself has Tsuna tucked snuggly under his arm and is grinning at the rest of us.

“So kids,” he starts. “Your precious boss has been captured. What are you going to do about it?”

Hayato twitches violently beside me. Takeshi covertly grips his ankle so as not to blow their cover. We can’t have them know that we’re all untied after all.

Yeah, plan A probably would have worked better if I had any impulse control at all. Because the mention of Tsuna being in need of rescue combined with all the irritation that I am already feeling kind of all bubble over and I just feel...

Mean.

Sorry boys, we’re doing it live.

“Hey there Doll-Face, don’t you know it’s bad bedroom etiquette to tie a guy up and leave him hanging.” I pull my self up to my not so impressive heights and let the ropes fall to the floor. I grin lazily at him as I hop down out of the van.

“The least you could have done is left me with a safe word.”

Poor innocent Tsuna looks so confused by the words coming out of my mouth. Not so innocent Dino turns so red that it looks like his face is glowing. And he starts spazzing out so hard. It is glorious.

In fact, all the Cavallone boys look a little red in the face and off-balance. I guess I rolled a critical success on my intimidation check using nothing by bondage innuendo.

Who needs guns? I have words.

I also have an idiot wearing bandoleers of dynamite under his clothing and another idiot with a pitching speed of 95mph who have better caught on to my new and revised plan and used my distraction wisely.

I lock eyes with Tsuna and do my best to convey to him (using our super special bond of twin-ness?) ‘when you get the chance; run like hell.’

The look he gives me back is completely deadpan and seems to say; ‘now what are you doing you fucking moron?’

He should know better by now. I’m doing what I do best.

Improvising.

I survey the group slowly doing a quick inventory. He brought at least two dozen minions with him. Doll-Face sure doesn’t pack light.

I wonder how many of them I can piss off at once?

Well, only one way to find out.

I saunter toward Dino, who is still stuttering and stammering awkwardly, and continue to speak.

“After all didn’t you say you were going to ‘take good care’ of us? I hope you have something more **satisfying** planed for round two.”

Dino chokes on air.

“How old are you?” He wheezes.

“We’ll be fourteen in a couple of months,” I say with my best flirty smile.

“TOO YOUNG!” He shrieks and releases his hold on Tsuna to point a frantic and disapproving finger at me. “Way too young to be speaking about such things!”

Tsuna has apparently caught on that I am attacking our new teacher's assistant with sexual innuendo and he is giving me this look of horrified fascination as he sinks down to the ground.

I make eye contact with Dino again and give him a wink, “Meh, not a problem for me Doll-Face.”

The smell of gun powder starts creeping into the clearing and I’m going to assume that means that the boys are almost ready to really get this party started.

Now to put on my finishing touches on this powder keg.

“Now why don’t you bust out that whip of yours and we’ll put on a nice show for your entourage.”

My smile turns all teeth and mean.

I look around at the Cavallone boys and consider... how far do I want to push this?

Fuck it.

All the way baby.

“Things must get really awkward in the bedroom considering your ‘coordination’ issues. Tell me Sweetheart; **how many of them need to watch for you to get off?**

Silence.

And I mean dead fucking silence.

Even the surrounding ambient sounds of nature go quiet.

Dino himself has completely stopped breathing and has turned the most fascinating shade of purple. He looks absolutely mortified.

I’m not sure what the expression on my own face looks like, but judging by the way that Reborn is staring at me it is not nice.

And then all at once, the surrounding Cavallone hoard goes into a rage.

Attacking a mafia boss’s sexual prowess in front of his loyal followers probably isn’t the smartest thing I have ever done in my life, but it works so well.

Romario, who was at his bosses back, lunges at me with a fist raised, “Why you disrespectful little-“

He doesn’t get far. None of them do. I guess they didn’t get the message:

This is our surprise round.

I will say though, even I wasn’t expecting Tsuna to spring back up off the ground and slam a clog of dirt into Romario’s face. Good show Bro-Bro.

Then the explosions start and everyone starts screaming for an entirely different reason. There is a mass panic as detonations happen behind them, in front of them, left and right. As the chaos descends Tsuna charges forward and grabs me and together we book it into the tree line.

Off ahead of us I can just barely make out Takeshi and Hayato darting through the periphery. A duet of ringing bells and the hammering of ivory keys that reverberate around them.

The ground quakes as another round of explosions go off. The two of us take this moment to duck behind a large tree while they finish off their barrage. Takeshi and Hayato actually make an effective team when they aren’t taking pot shots at each other about stupid shit. Right now they are bonded together in their mutual animosity toward the dumb fuckers who had dared to lay hands on **OUR SKY.**

“You’re insane!” Tsuna pants, “You’re all insane! Dino-niisan said it was a training exercise!”

“Bro, they kidnapped us,” I say flatly.

“Yes but-“

Explosion to the west. ‘

“And they took you away from us as a hostage.”

Another explosion goes off and someone lets out a loud Wilhelm scream.

“Yes but-“

“And they had us tied up and gagged and drove us out to the middle of nowhere where no one would hear us scream. And they totally expected us to get fucked.”

“...yes,” Tsuna relents.

The surrounding area starts filling with a dense smoke which is our signal to regroup with the guys and plot our escape.

“I still think that you guys went a little overboard.”

“Noted.”

I nudge Tsuna to the ground, and together we start crawling across the forest floor toward our wayward party members.

“On another topic,” I start conversationally (as I pointedly ignore the panicked screams in the background), “You should probably talk to Hayato about his terrifying lack of self-preservation instincts.”

“This coming from you?!”

“I’m not the one who smokes like a chimney while wearing bandoleers of dynamite under his clothes.” I’m still not quite over the discovery that Hayato is quite literally a walking talking bomb.

Tsuna makes an unhappy strangled noise at that.

“Just let him know that we all love and care about him and don’t want to accidentally kill himself and everyone around him.”

Tsuna sighs, “I don’t think he’s ever had anyone take care of him before.”

“Yeah, well, now he has us so...”

“I’ll talk to him,” Tsuna says. “Once we get off of this mountain.”

“TSUNA-SAMA!” Hayato hollers as he charges toward us.

Ah, speak of the devil.

“Are you alright?! Did they touch you!? Did they hurt you!? I’ll fucking kill that horse idiot!!” Hayato has his hands all over Tsuna. Poking and prodding at him for any concealed injuries. All the while Tsuna yelps and squeals at the sudden invasion of his personal space bubble.

“GAH! Hayato-kun I’m fine, I’m fine. Calm down.” Tsuna says as he tries to escape the through pat-down.

“Hey Tsuna,” Takeshi greets easily as he flops down next to me and reaches over to ruffle Tsuna’s hair.

“Get your hands off Tsuna-sama baseball idiot, “ Hayato immediately hisses at him. To which Takeshi’s only response is to do it more.

Tsuna looks around at all of us and glowers.

“You’re all crazy,” he informs us seriously.

Takeshi laughs and hooks his free arm around my shoulders, “that was all this guy.”

And then in a lower voice, “I think you might have broken Dino-san Inari.”

Yeah, I may have taken that a little bit too far. I still say they all deserved it though.

“Dame-Dino will be fine,” Reborn announces as he descends fro able and lands on Tsuna’s head. “Dame-Tsuna, you should praise you subordinates they went all out to ‘rescue’ you.”

There is a genuine smile of approval on his face as he looks at the three of us.

“Thanks,” Tsuna says somewhat begrudgingly.

“Did you enjoy the show,” I ask cheekily.

There is a microscopic spasm at the corner of this mouth before it smooths back int to his usual expression of amused neutrality. But I caught that. And I also caught that short brief trill of a violin before it is abruptly silenced. For a moment I stare at him a little stunned.

I’ve never **heard** Reborn before.

“You are a menace Monello,” he says. And then he addresses us as a group, “I did warn Dame-Dino that he shouldn’t take you boys lightly. Apparently he still needs some training himself.”

Tsuna turns pink and buries his face in his hands. Letting out a groan of embarrassment at mention of my earlier ‘performance.’

“I can’t believe you actually said that stuff to Dino-niisan.”

“I can’t believe you said it with a straight face,” Hayato chimes in.

“I have a gift,” I say smugly and preen.

“Mean,” Takeshi observes with a somewhat strained look.

I stick out my tongue at him, “Oh come on, he attacks with a whip. Doll-Face is lucky that I didn’t jump straight into jokes about doming and exhibitionism. And besides, what the fuck else was I supposed to do? I’m kind of out of my weight class here .”

Tsuna peaks out from between his fingers and gives me a pained pleading look. “You shouldn’t say that kind of stuff in front of Reborn either, he’s smart but he’s still a baby.”

My brain runs smack into an error message as he says that. DOES. NOT. COMPUTE. DOES. NOT. COMPUTE. Because really? Still?

And then Hayato and Takeshi jump in with their own sheepish apologize about using vulgar language in front of small children. I just kid of stare at them in absolute incomprehension.

Really?

They all just readily accept this at face value. Yup, he’s a super-strong and intelligent baby who works for the mafia. Nothing weird about that. Nope, it is completely normal.

The fuck?

I just don’t get it.

All of his mannerisms and the way his speaks say ‘hey I am a grown adult.’ At least to me, they do.

I glance at Reborn himself, and he is doing his very best to bore a hole in Tsuna’s head with his eyes.

It must be a curse thing. It must be. I’ve thought about it before and now I am almost positive that whatever the curse is, and whatever it does, it must do some crazy force power mind-wammy ‘these are not the droids you are looking for’ kind of thing. Otherwise, people would be asking a lot more questions about this whole situation.

That is just so fucking depressing though.

And other than the surface level of irritation at being called a baby, yet again, Reborn looks completely resigned to it.

Fuck.

Gotta fix that.

... Somehow...

Unfortunately, I remember jack shit about the Arcobaleno other than the whole ‘adults trapped as babies’ thing. And I know that Reborn is one of seven (I think?) and Verde is one too. But every time I try to think further everything explodes into pain and orange starbursts. The information there. I know it is. I just need to find the right trigger to ‘unlock’ it.

I mean, I know Reborn is an adult, but I don’t even remember what he actually looks like...

Ow.

Ow. Ow. Ow!

Okay stopping that train of thought now. Before my brain actually melts out of my fucking ears.

Fine, universe, keep your secrets. For now.

I snap myself out of my tangential train of thought to find Tsuna staring at me expectantly. What were we talking about again?

“So are we done now?” I ask as I desperately try to blink the spots and stars out of my vision. I think that almost made me black out.

“That’s no fun,” Takeshi says. “We just got here.”

“Not a chance,” Reborn fires back suddenly donning a referee outfit. “We’re just going to increase the difficulty. Capture the flag - Mafia Style.”

“Meaning?” Tsuna asks suspiciously.

Reborn gives him a gleefully vindictive look.

“Capture the boss of course.”

Tsuna blanks.

“Are you going to be on our team kid?” Takeshi asks.

Tsuna and Hayato immediately perk up at the thought.

“If Reborn is on our team there’s no way we can loose,” Hayato cheers prematurely.

Apparently none of them realize what the ref costume means.

“I’m not on anyone’s team. I’m the referee,” he answers with a smirk.

See?

“But they outnumber us!” Tsuna immediately protests.

“You’ll just have to use your heads Dame-Tsuna.”

“But - But -But!”

“And don’t think that you can count on a Deathperation bullet. This time I want to see what you can do on your own.”

“BUT!!”

“And if I catch you slacking there will be hell to pay.”

“HIEEEEEEE!”

And with that Reborn shoots up a grappling hook and disappears into the canopy above.

Tsuna just lets out a long whine. I reach over and clap him on the shoulder as a show of moral support.

“Chill bro, they might have the numbers but we have the home-field advantage.”

“Home field- We’re on a mountain!” He exclaims petulantly.

“Exactly, we’re on Namimori mountain,” I turn to Takeshi with a grin. “Do you think any of the old rope traps will still be up by the ravine?”

He grins back, “Probably, we made a lot of them back then.”

Hayato and Tsuna look between us somewhat concerned.

“Rope traps?”

“You’ll see,” I promise him.

“I’m not sure I want to.”

“Relax guys,” I say with a hopefully unthreatening smile. “Nothing to worry about. You're with two survivors of the Little Explorers Summer Camp.”

If possible Tsuna and Hayato look even more nervous than they had before.

“Survivors?” Hayato asks as Reborn blows a whistle somewhere above our heads.

I assume to signal the resumption of conflict.

“You had to have been there dude.”

And the four of us take off running into the woods, with the Cavallone hoard hot on our heels.

* * *

* * *

Two years ago me and Takeshi had spent a particularly hellish summer break running around in the woods with twelve other boys between the ages of nine and twelve with a dubiously sane camp counselor who had promised fun and adventure as we learned the basics of outdoors survival.

No one will ever believe what actually happened that summer.

We had made a solemn oath to never ever tell our parents what happened at camp on, because of how badly they would have freaked out if they had known how much danger we had been in.

We are both the kids of single parents who can be terrifyingly overprotective if the situation strikes.

...

One kid with a bowl cut had saved my life by wrestling a bear. I don’t even remember him being part of the camp. I think that kid was just deliberately there to fight a bear. I actually think he was pissed off at me for getting in the way of his quarry.

...

There had also been this red-haired kid with glasses who had been smart as fuck. His parents had signed him up for outdoors camp instead of space camp and he had complained from the get-go about how he was going to die in the forest. And that was before the counselor had gone batshit and started trying to sacrifice us all to his pagan god.

Yes, I agree that was really fucking crazy.

Anyway, Red had been crazy good at engineering shit, and he had designed all these crazy traps that we had placed all around the forest in hopes of capturing the mad man hunting us.

I still don’t know what happened to that guy.

Might have to look into that someday.

The point is, yes, a lot of those traps were still in place, and thanks to some sort of engineering miracle they are still functional.

Unfortunately, they were also designed to subdue one raving lunatic not like thirty at once. But it was still worth it to see the looks on their faces as half a dozen professional mobsters go flying into the trees thanks to a trap that had been designed by a ten-year-old.

Red, wherever you are, I salute you and thank you for your contribution to this glorious chaos.

Takeshi leads another half dozen of them up the slope of the ravine before kicking over the trigger that lets loose forty logs that are still somehow suspended in the trees and sends them barrelling down the hill. He dives out of the way with a peel of laughter.

“This sure brings back memories right?” he calls over to me.

“Yup, all those good times with the threat of imminent death and constant terror,” I yell back at him.

Tsuna and Hayato are perched in a tree and are staring at us owlishly. As Dino and his boys rush around to make sure everyone is still alive. They should be fine.

As Doll-Face himself passes under the tree they’re camped out in they leap down and catch him in the large rope net. They cheer, but this is about as good as it gets. As I said before, this really wasn’t designed with an army in mind. Dino’s men who haven’t been run over or snared immediately jump on both of them and thus begins an all-out brawl.

Above us, Reborn settles in for the show with a pair of green binoculars.

* * *

* * *

The next six hours play out like something out of a Hollywood war film, complete with fantastic explosions and overemotional dialogue. That last bit was usually reserved for when we rescued Tsuna from the Cavallone prison.

It happens a lot.

And every time we have to come up with a new crazier plot to free him. Because Dino’s boys aren’t dumb. They are a hell of a lot of fun to rile up but they are not as stupid as I thought they were.

They are also going easy on us which I find vaguely irritating. But I also don’t really want thirty-odd professional mobsters going all out on us. I do remember that the Cavallone Family is one of the more powerful Families that Vongola is allied with.

It would suck to loose them as allies for Tsuna.

I haven’t seen any of them bust out magic fire yet. I’m guessing at least a few of them must be Dying Will Flame adept. I doubt Reborn would have abided anything less, he had trained Dino for a few years, after all, I doubt he would have left his student with sub-par guardians.

Me and Takeshi have pretty much worn out our advantage at this point. It was fun while it lasted and it managed to get our team a couple of points, but they had overtaken us easily once they had gotten used to the terrain.

Now they are ahead on the scoreboard.

Here is how the game works, according to Reborn’s recently invented rules:

Two points every time the boss is captured.

One point every time he is taken back.

It's 12 - 8 now in favour of team Cavallone.

I’m in the middle of trying to come up with some clever way of snatching Dino out from under their noses when the man himself snaps me up from behind with his whip.

It’s always nice when prey comes to you.

...

Fuck, I’m starting to think like Hibari. That’s disgusting.

“Feeling frisky Doll-Face,” I taunt and lean back into him. “I’m down to party if you are.”

I can’t entirely repress my snicker as he completely freezes up. Honestly, how had this guy managed to become a mob boss? He’s so squishy.

“Illegal,” He panics to himself, “Very, very illegal.”

“So is kidnapping Sweetheart and that didn’t seem to stop you.”

“Gah! No! It’s not like that you have the wrong idea!”

“You had me tied up and thrown into a stereotypical child abduction van,” I say somewhat irritated. “How do I have the wrong idea?”

“I just wanted to impress my new little brother!” He protests.

“By kidnapping his actual brother!?” Yeah, I’m just pissed off now.

He startles a bit at this and I take my opportunity to hook my foot behind his ankles and pull his feet out from under him. I realize that in our current position I am going to fall do, but it will be oh so worth it.

We tumble down the slope in a high-speed tangle of limbs and land hard at the bottom.

Or at least Dino does.

I land on top of him and somehow while we were rolling down the slope our positions had been reversed and now he is the one all tangled up in the whip.

“Well, I’m all for a little role reversal.”

He squawks and violently starts wiggling until I am thrown off of him. He knocks the back of his head on an exposed tree route as he does this and his eyes start watering.

“Why do you keep doing that!?” He whines.

“Why do you keep falling for it dumbass?” I laugh.

His lip starts wobbling pathetically and I immediately feel terrible and horrified. Don’t cry! Please don’t fucking cry!

“I just wanted to be a good big brother for my new junior-apprentices!” He cries.

I puff my cheeks out petulantly as he says this, “...I thought that ‘little brother’ stuff was just for Tsuna?”

He sits bolt up so fast eyes bright and wide and manic.

“Ah! I see!” He exclaims.

“What?” I ask leaning away from this obviously concussed idiot.

“You were jealous!”

I give him a flat look.

Jealous? He thinks I’m jealous?

What do I have to be jealous of?!

Honestly, he is so painfully derpy and hopeful. No wonder his men are so protective of this goofball.

I hate it.

But he wants so badly to help Tsuna and get along with the rest of us that I can’t help but like him just a little. I’ll give him a break, but first, we need to clear up this little jealousy misunderstanding of ours.

I pull myself up to my feet and take two strides back over to him and not so gently kick him back over into the dirt, planting my foot in the center of his chest.

“Tell yourself whatever you like Doll-Face,” I tell him with a little more aggression than is probably warranted. “I am not jealous. But if it makes you feel better I’ll kill the innuendo and I’ll call you Dino-niichan and you can impart all your super special boss knowledge to Tsuna.”

He brightens up considerably. He also looks extremely unfocused which puts a check mark in the probable concussion column.

“But if you ever so much as think about betraying Tsuna or throwing me into the child abduction mobile again the ENTIRE mafia is going to hear about you extremely kinky escapades, do I make myself clear.”

He doesn’t even have the grace to look properly intimidated. He just gives me an irritatingly cheesy smile and says, “you’re actually a nice kid aren’t you?”

He’s a goofball.

And still too fucking pretty. But I can work with this.

“Deal then.”

And with one swift motion I grab the end of the whip that is still wound around him and give it a strong tug, sending him spinning in mid air like a windup ballerina.

Once he lands he just kind of lays there in a daze.

“You really are a goofball.”

I have to smile a little bit now. He doesn’t look so pretty with his mouth open wide and drool dripping down his chin.

I would rather have Dino for an ally than an enemy anyway. Cavallone is a powerful Family, one with a longstanding relationship with Vongola. And when Tsuna takes over that bond will probably just get stronger.

And these guys are actually making an effort to help us out. They didn’t have to come here and patrol our town for assassins. They didn’t have to run this ridiculous training exercise with us.

But they are.

So, that means that I am going to have to make an effort to play nice with them.

I watch as Enzio wobbly crawls his way out of Dino’s jacket and starts to slowly stumble across the ground. Poor little guy. I didn’t realize that he was there too. That was too much spin for such a small turtle.

“Yo, ‘nii-chan’ you might want to check on your little buddy there.”

No response, other than a woozy little ‘wooo’ sound.

“Ho shit, did I actually break you this time?”

I reach over and prod his cheek and get nothing by drool in return. Honestly, he is like a big dumb golden retriever.

Which makes me feel even worse about poking fun at him earlier.

He’ll get over it.

I ruffle his hair, in the same way, I would Tsuna’s and look up into the canopy were Reborn is watching us intently.

“I think I broke him,” I inform him guilelessly.

He hops down from the tree and lands gracefully next to me. Observing Dino with a wan smile.

“I don’t think Dame-Dino is quite your speed Monello.”

I snort.

“No one is my speed dude, that’s half the fun.”

Reborn lets out a harsh bark of laughter and mutters something under his breath that I can’t entirely make out, but doesn’t argue with me.

Above us, I hear explosions and shrieks and laughter. It sounds like things are getting more wild by the second. I also know that Tsuna has probably just about maxed out his stamina for the day. He has been lagging for at least an hour now.

“So did I win?”

“It doesn’t work like that.”

“Darn.”

“However,” He says as he circles Dino like a bird of prey. “It does mean that tomorrow Dame-Dino will be doing this wearing weights. He has obviously been slacking off on his training.”

I ruffle the fluffy blond hair again, “Better let him sleep then.”

Reborn makes a non-committal sound and then glances past me.

“You might want to wake him to deal with that though.”

That?

I turn and see Enzio.

Not so little Enzio anymore.

Not so little Enzio and growing bigger by the second.

Apparently, Enzio had wandered into the steam while we had been chatting.

And I had stupidly forgotten about this particular magic turtle feature.

“Ah... That might be a problem.”

Somewhere above us, I hear Tsuna shriek, “HIEEEEE! WHY IS GODZILLA HERE?!!!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Inari has more issues than he is entirely comfortable dealing with or admitting to at the moment. 
> 
> Also, I think the first time I mentioned the summer camp from hell was in chapter one? Inari has always had something of an interesting life even before having inter dimensional knowledge shoved into his brain. 
> 
> Questions? Comments? Theories? 
> 
> As always I love hearing from you guys :)


	14. Insert Training Montage Here

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What else are you going to do if you have an antagonist with an army of assassins metaphorically knocking on your door.

“-Reports of a ‘dinosaur-like creature’ being spotted near the western peak of mount Namimori-”

Hinata Shoichi looks deeply skeptical and put-upon by the report he has been given to read this morning. He’s giving the camera a somewhat muted ‘what the fuck’ look which I am sure is mirrored by the largely white-haired and housewife demographics which he caters too.

“-Yamaguchi Minatozaki, who runs the ‘Heaven’s Gate’ diner and fun complex out by the Old Mountain Road and Expressway 7, testifies that he ‘saw the beast emerge in all of its ferocious glory and begin to stamped its way across the mountain and that when it roared it seemed almost mournful as if it knew the world that it had been apart of had come to an end.....-”

We watch as the usually unflappable reporter just stares blankly for about thirty seconds before he clears his throat and starts to obsessively brush his hair behind one ear.

If I hadn’t born witness to the Godzilla monstrosity myself I’m sure I would be right there with him. I’m not so sure about the whole ‘mournful for the world it once knew, bit.’ Either whoever gave this testimony was keyed into some really next level shit, they are really stupid, or they are just trying to fuck with everyone.

“-We have photographic evidence... Kenji what do you mean we have photographic evidence?” The reporter asks completely breaking character and addressing someone offset.

Me and Tsuna trade somewhat nervous and curious glances. Photographs might be problematic, to say the least.

The picture that appears on the television could be Enzio... maybe... if you turn it on its side and look at it from a weird angle.

It’s like those old school photographs of the Loch Ness Monster; black and white and terribly out of focus. This could be a picture of a dog sitting on top of a tree stump...or Big Foot.

I think it actually might look more like Big Foot than a dinosaur actually.

Who took this photograph?

And why are cameras in this universe so terrible?

Not the most important questions that I have ever thought of, but I admit to a morbid sort of curiosity. Which of course means that one of these questions will result in me falling through a wormhole and having to do battle with a Demogorgon or something equally as ridiculous. My curiosity never leads to anything good.

Or it does but in extremely random and chaotic ways.

Like finding out that my camp counselor wanted to cut out my heart to open a portal to a supposed hell dimension. Or taking a wrong turn and ending up in a freaky sex party in the back room of a cabaret in the red light district.

“-Dear viewers I apologize for this ... ill-conceived report. This is obviously a hoax of some kind. I urge you not to attempt to go searching in the mountain for a ‘dinosaur.’ I will remind you all that the area between Kumonosu and the Western Peak is still closed off due to the old mine shaft collapse two years ago. So for your own safety please stay out of the area.”

We have played a hand in creating a terrible urban legend I think. I feel weirdly accomplished by this.

Tsuna breathes a sigh of relief, “That could have been bad.”

“I’m not sure how,” I say, “I don’t think they could have tied a dinosaur to either of us or to Doll-Face.”

Tsuna smacks me lightly in the arm.

“They could have if they took a picture of me ON TOP OF THE DINOSAUR TURTLE IN MY UNDERWEAR!”

“...Yeah, I can see how that could have been problematic.”

“And I thought you weren’t going to call him ‘Doll-Face’ anymore,” the disapproval in his voice is palpable.

“I’m not going to,” I grin, “Say it to his face at least.”

“Inari.”

“Let me have some fun at his expense please.”

Tsuna sighs.

“-I would like to welcome our guest for today. The Superintendent of Schools: Hibari Zhi.”

GAH!

The two of us both whirl around back to the television as a very familiar and much-dreaded name is spoken.

“Hibari?!”

“His mom,” I hiss at him not taking my eyes off of the screen.

The Dread Knight definitely got his looks from his mom. And the way he fucking stares at people like he wants to tear their throats out with his teeth. Good god is she terrifying.

“-Hibari-dono will be speaking with us today about the recent incident at Namimori Middle School and the ongoing school closure -”

“I forgot that school was still a thing,” I grimace, “Is it shitty of me to hope that it stays closed for a little longer?”

“Nnnnooo?” Tsuna draws the word out and gives a worried-looking side-eye toward Reborn who is sitting on our shared desk sipping on his espresso. He probably thinks he’s going to get smacked for trying to skip out on school.

When Reborn doesn’t offer any response Tsuna visibly relaxes.

“-Reconstruction of the school building has begun. The focus will be on ensuring the structural integrity of the building itself as well as adding some much needed for the student body for when the facility opens again. What happened at Namimori Middle School was a travesty the likes I have never seen before. Trust me when I say that **every possible measure** is being taken to ensure that nothing like this will ever happen again -”

I get the feeling that she knows that more fuckery went on that day than a busted gas pipe and a structural defect giving way. It kind of feels like she is saying ‘FUCK YOU,’ in an extremely roundabout way.

Scary lady.

“-The current estimated time of completion of repairs is September,” She lets out a somewhat aggravated sigh before continuing, “As there were multiple students who suffered from the ‘gas leak’ and trauma from the incident itself and are still recovering the school will be canceling all end of term exams and will be resuming session beginning in the new semester -“

And with that, she gets up and leaves the set. She doesn’t stick around for Hinata Shoichi to sign her off or anything, she just gets up and leaves. Seriously, Hibari is so much like his mom that it’s almost unsettling.

He probably gets his draconic possessiveness of educational facilities from her too. Their family must have buried treasure hidden under the school or something. I can’t understand why else they would be so possessive of it.

But that’s not important right now, what’s important is:

“WOOOOO! SUMMER VACATION CAME EARLY!” I exclaim suddenly and loudly.

“IT’S ALL OUR DREAMS COME TRUE!!!” Tsuna cheers and the two of us dramatically embrace.

Reborn rolls his eyes at the two of us and switches off the television.

“It’s only two extra weeks,” he says.

“It’s the principal of the thing,” I shoot back at him as Tsuna happily chants ‘no more homework, no more homework.’

Reborn gives us that look. That look of his that says, ‘I have come to sow the seeds of chaos.’

Suddenly, as if summoned from the abyss, a box the size of a shoebox appears on the coffee table between the two of us. Attached to it is a number pad and a flashing LED display.

“Just because your school has shut down, for the time being, doesn’t mean that you get to slack off on your education,” Reborn tells us with a devious smile curling the corners of his mouth. “Prepare yourselves for the Vongola Strengthening Program for the Mind and Body.”

The display lights up with a string of factions.

“Answer the questions correctly or face the consequences,” Reborn says with a smirk.

I stare at the equation with complete incomprehension.

Why is it always math?

* * *

* * *

I’m not great with math at the best of times, but at six-thirty in the morning, I think I’m even worse. Me and Tsuna both get doused in glitter after failing to answer the fifth problem correctly.

We stare at each other.

“We’re so... sparkly,” I say with a semi-hysterical giggle.

Tsuna immediately starts to frantically dust it out of his hair and off his clothes.

“Get it off! Get it off! Get it off!”

Meanwhile, with my sleep-addled mind is impairing my processing power I just stare somewhat entranced at my own hands as they shimmer under the ceiling light.

This process goes on until eight at which point Reborn releases us from our glittery prison and we get to wash up and eat breakfast.

“You will be at something of a disadvantage today if you’re running around like that,” He says with barely concealed mirth. “Dame-Tsuna if your team loses again today you’ll have an extra punishment tomorrow.”

Tsuna squeals and bolts into the bathroom.

I slowly turn to Reborn and blink at him. He probably knows as well as I do that you can’t wash glitter off. You can try but it will be there for weeks to come. I don’t know how he managed to keep his suit as pristine as it is with all of this glitter floating around the room.

In a fit of petulance and vengeance, I shuck off my pajama shirt and flap it out in his direction sending a gust of glitter flying everywhere. Leon immediately transforms into an umbrella to defend his human against my counter-attack.

“He’s going to be in there forever now,” I huff in mock irritation.

He ‘hmm’s’ in a smug sort of way.

I look around the room. It is beautiful and chaotic and is also going to be a pain in the ass to clean later.

“Dude, it looks like we massacred fairies in here,” I have to laugh. “It’s awesome.”

Reborn looks away with a breathy laugh, “Still with the magic and fantasy with you.”

I grin back at him, “somewhere out in the multiverse we are totally a high fantasy adventuring party.”

That or we are literally a bunch of nerds sitting around a table playing Dungeons and Dragons. Both options seem like fun.

I run an experimental current of electricity through a handful of the glitter to see what will happen. There is a moment where the glitter hangs suspended with static over my hands before the entire thing bursts into a sparkler like a fireball and dies an instant later.

Interesting.

Not particularly useful, but interesting.

In the bathroom, Tsuna shrieks, “IT’S NOT COMING OFF!!”

“Then stop hogging all the hot water!” I holler back at him. “The rest of us want to shower too!”

He whines again and I just laugh.

Reborn takes my momentary distraction to drop a folder on top of my head.

“What’s this?” I ask as I take it and open it to words (?)

“Basic vocabulary.”

“Vocabulary?” I take a more careful look through and sure enough, I recognize most of the words in the right column as English. In the left column, there are also a few familiar looking strings of letters. One that stands out most ‘Ragazzo = Boy.”

“You’re so insistent on learning,” he doesn’t look back at me as he strolls out of the room straightening his jackets as he goes. “You better study hard if you want to keep up with me.”

I beam at his retreating form.

Just wait, dude. I am going to be the fucking coolest one day.

I should invest in a hat.

Or a bow tie.

I think I could rock a bow tie.

* * *

* * *

This time when Dino and his boys pick us up we are not unceremoniously thrown into the back of the child abduction mobile. Which is appreciated, but also a little more boring than I had been expecting. We have to stop to pick up Takeshi and Hayato on our way back up the mountain.

Hayato just about flys out of the school dorm complex looking exceptionally irritated this morning. Once he gets settled in the car he takes one look at me and Tsuna who is still shimmering with the remainder of the glitter, visibly considers commenting on said glitter, and then wisely chooses to not. He also has a messenger bag with him which he keeps propped on his lap as he and Tsuna chat animatedly to each other.

He has explosives in there.

I don’t know exactly what kind of explosives he has in there. There is a distinct metallic chemical smell coming off of it. Oh well, I’m sure we will be suitably impressed when he busts out whatever it is. That or we will all be horrified when he blows himself up with it.

When we stop to pick up Takeshi, Yamamoto-san steps out on to their porch to stare down the fleet of very fancy and expensive foreign cars. He is also wielding a very large and very sharp knife.

So, chances are, he probably had noticed that Takeshi had been a little more roughed up than he should have been after spending a day handing out with his friends. I don’t think that he noticed Takeshi getting kidnapped because if he had he would be trying to stab Dino in the balls right now.

Today, Takeshi comes prepared with a heavy wooden bat slung over his shoulder and a smile that promises cheerfully delivered violence.

Unlike Hayato, doesn’t think twice about commenting on the fact that me and Tsuna are a glittery mess. He just looks at the two of us and burst out laughing.

“Did you guys go to a party?” He asks.

Tsuna pouts and makes another futile attempt to shake the sparkles out of his hair.

“It’s Reborn’s fault,” he complains.

I just laugh along with Takeshi and settle in for the long ride up the mountain. I shove my hands into the pockets of my hoodie where I have several baggies of stolen glitter, my taser, and my ray gun. I feel much more prepared for combat today.

True to his word, once we all make it up to what I am now calling ‘base camp’ Reborn throws a pile of weights at Dino’s feet.

“Put those on Dame-Dino,” he orders as his former student stares at the depression they made in the ground with a look of terror.

“Wha?”

He doesn’t move to put them on just stares.

“You’re joking right?” He pleads futilely.

Tsuna stares and lets out a long ‘hieeeeee’ in sympathy.

I reach down to pick up one of the weights. It’s not that bad, this bunch of babies have no sense of fun. I chuck it at Dino and he has to scramble to catch it before it smacks him in the head.

“Come on ‘Nii-chan’ I thought you wanted to show off for us,” I taunt.

His eye twitches in a somewhat concerning way when I say that. I don’t know what he was expecting. I told him I would cut it with the innuendo, not that I would stop teasing him altogether.

A beat passes as he looks from me to Reborn to Tsuna and everyone else. And then he sighs in defeat and straps on the weights.

“I thought I was done with the punishments,” he sighs in defeat.

“You need to keep up with your training Dame-Dino,” Reborn threatens and then turns to Tsuna and continues, “ And you better impress me today Dame-Tsuna or you’ll be wearing them tomorrow.”

At this Tsuna actually does wail in terror.

* * *

* * *

Weighed down by an extra fifty pounds it was briefly easier to capture Dino. And when I say briefly, I mean once.

The four of us only manage to corner him once.

He makes a play to grab Tsuna on his own and the rest of us converge and surround him.

“You kids sure that you can take me on?” He taunts as he tenses the whip between his hands.

We look at each other and then at him.

“Yeah dude, I’m pretty sure we got you outnumbered this time,” I say.

“Don’t say I didn’t warn you,” He says, and lashes out with his whip.

I don’t think he realized that we had managed to isolate him from the rest of his men. If he had he probably would have thought twice about making such a wild attack.

Dino somehow manages to smack himself across his stupid gorgeous face. Got me across my ass, and Tsuna, Hayato, and Takeshi in various other awkward places judging by the surprised and pained yelps they let out.

“Ow! Fucking Christ that stings!”

“YOU DUMB HORSE ASSHOLE WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU AIMING AT!?” Hayato shrieks.

“Ow! Ow! Ow!” Dino himself hisses clutching at his nose with his eyes watering.

I glare at him.

This is so stupid, and yet I still feel that a line was crossed.

“Oi Doll-Face, I know I said I would kill the innuendo and shit, but I just have to let you know that you are the most incompetent dominatrix that I have ever met in my entire life,” I snap at him.

Dino whines and flushes, while Tsuna and Takeshi both sputter, “Inari!”

“Know many competent dominatrixes do you?” Hayato inquires sarcastically.

I have to stop and consider for a moment, “At least four.”

They all stop their flailing and whining and stare at me. Even Reborn, who has perched in a tree a good twenty feet away, stops to stare at me. I have a unique gift for causing awkward silences.

“Are you okay kid?” Dino asks with all sorts of ‘brotherly’ concern in his voice.

I roll my eyes aggressively, “Get your mind out of the gutter you impossible goofball,” I snap. “It’s not like that.”

“What is it like?” Tsuna asks joining in with the brotherly concern.

Oh great, there is no escaping Tsuna when he gets into overprotective big brother mode.

“I might have maybe wandered into an establishment that is wayyyyy above my age restriction once.”

I had been trying to ditch Hibari and the DC at the time and taken a few wrong turns and ended up smack dab in the middle of the red light district.

“Inari,” Tsuna looks so disapproving and authoritarian right now it’s hilarious. It’s actually a decent mob boss face. I’ll have to remember this for the future.

“It was fine, they were chill. I even got some hot chocolate out of it.” I had also gotten some extremely positive and affirming sage advice from a glorious and beautiful drag queen named Miki and an empathetic bartender named Max while I was still in the midst of a sexual identity crisis.

Seriously, the internet wasn’t a thing and I had yet to be mind wammied by extra-dimensional knowledge. I might not have been 100% chill about the liking boys thing at first, especially since I had a tragic hate crush on a very pretty boy who’s only interest in me was his desire to bludgeon me in the head.

It had been really nice to be told by someone that: ‘no kid your not a freak of nature for likening boys. But you shouldn’t emotionally invest yourself in someone who legitimately wants to hurt you.’

Of course, being the relentlessly curious idiot I am I started grilling them on about all the crazy bondage stuff and the party that seemed to be going on at which point the answer was: ‘If you really want to know come back in ten years and I’ll show you the ropes kid.’

Which is actually a little bit more than a little inappropriate now that I think back on it. But still, for that most part a positive and affirming experience which later led me to loudly and shamelessly complain about my tragic hate crush to Takeshi.

Not that these fuckers need to know all those specifics.

“And you accepted a drink from a random adult at some fucked up sex party!?” Hayato demands now looking more concerned than all of them.

“They weren’t all random adults I already knew some of them.”

“That doesn’t mean that you couldn’t have gotten hurt Inari,” Takeshi chides me as he too jumps on the disapproval train.

This is starting to feel more like an impromptu intervention for my weird and chaotic life rather than combat training. Though considering the first point maybe this is exactly the way combat training will go.

“I really don’t think anyone would have tried to roofie a kid in front of the district court justice,” I say rolling my eyes again.

This kicks on another round of choking on air.

When Kurokawa-san had noticed that I was there, at this very inappropriate party for a boy of my tender years. She had marched right over and grabbed me by the ear. And drug me away to sit with her “partner” (by which I mean her girlfriend who she has been with for fifteen years and raised a child with and yet still can’t legally say wife because people have fucking screwed up priorities) while she had some words with Miki and Max.

I’m glad that they had let me say goodbye to the two of them before they drug me out of that den of sin. Although, Kurokawa-san and her partner had both given me a stern talking to while they drove me home. Though before she let me go Kurokawa-san had ruffled my hair and said, “If you ever want to talk about it with someone who has gone through the same thing my door is always open Inari-kun.”

I had actually cried at that. Seriously, if I hadn’t wandered into that club I don’t think I would be even half as well adjusted with my shit as I am.

And Kurokawa-san has been great.

Though I did have to swear on my life to never blab their personal shit to Hana.

My lips are fucking sealed on that part. No child needs to know the kinky shit their folks get up to.

While they are all still staring at me, all frozen-like, I fish out one of the baggies of glitter out of my pocket and dump it over Dino’s head.

“I’m counting this as a point for us,” I call up to Reborn who is making a valiant attempt not to burst out laughing at this entire thing. The referee cap that he’s wearing again is pulled down low on his face and his shoulders are shaking.

Rather than blow the whistle to signal ‘boss captured’ Leon transforms into an air horn that blasts out across the forest.

Moments later the Cavallone hoard appears to retrieve their boss who is sitting there covered in glitter with his mouth opening and closing like a stunned fish.

I laugh and grab Tsuna and start to pull him along before Dino’s boys can come and snatch him away for extra points. We had learned yesterday that there was no point trying to defend our prize from the invading force or and none of us are really strong enough to lung a full-grown man through a forest, especially one that is wearing weights.

So flee was currently our only option to keep us ahead in the scoreboard.

I look back at Takeshi and Hayato who still haven’t started running and call, “Hurry up you dumbasses. I’m not coming back to rescue you, idiots!”

With that, they start running after us.

“Who are you calling an idiot you absolute moron!?” Hayato snaps as he and Takeshi fall into the marching order. Takeshi upfront and Hayato in the back to cover our escape with some fancy flash-bangs.

“Why is everything in your life so crazy?” Tsuna whines as he lets me drag him along.

I laugh, bright and happy as I continue to pull him through the forest, “Don’t you remember what Grandpa used to say?” I ask him. “I’m cursed.”

* * *

* * *

The fact that me and Tsuna were leaving trails of glitter absolutely everywhere made it really easy for the Cavallone boys to catch up with us again flash-bangs or no flash-bangs. And after that first victory, they managed to capture Tsuna again and again and again.

Hayato almost blew us all to kingdom come after lighting his bag on fire. And Takeshi snapped his bat in two.

And I learn that I need a better system of deploying glitter than zip lock baggies.

So, all and all, it could have gone much better.

But they weren’t terrible.

And I did get to have some fun.

On the drive back down the mountain when the other boys are conked out Reborn asks me, “Cursed?”

For a brief moment, I freak the fuck out thinking that he is calling me out about knowing about his whole cursed situation and I am desperately trying to come up with something to deter and distract.

And then I realize that he’s asking about what I said to Tsuna and I calm the fuck down. But I can’t help but notice that the word seems to have put him a little bit on edge.

“It’s just something Grandpa used to say,” I tell him. A fond smile spreads across my face when I think about Grandpa out in his enormous garden as he laughed at my latest and greatest story.

“The curse of an interesting life.”

* * *

* * *

On day three of our new purgatorial training regime on top of a mountain Tsuna is, in fact, stuck with the wights.

And a backpack full of bags of sugar.

Because Reborn is a merciless sadist.

“I’m dying~” Tsuna pants and collapses across a fallen tree. “Just let them catch me. We’re not going to win anyway.”

Hayato collapses next to him wheezing and hacking up a fucking lung. I hadn’t really expected it, but I think his stamina is actually worse than Tsuna’s. He reclines there trying to catch his breath before fishing out his pack of cigarettes from his pocket and lighting one up.

“Don’t worry Tsuna-sama, we will defend you till the dea- WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING BASEBALL-IDIOT?!” Hayato’s emotional pledge is cut short as a stone-faced Takeshi leans over him and snatches the pack of cigarettes out of his breast pocket and pulls out the one hanging between his lips. Takeshi then proceeds to crush everything into a ball and send it flying into the woods.

“Those things are bad for your lungs,” Takeshi informs with a terrifyingly pleasant smile stretching across his face. “If you want to keep up with us you should probably quit.”

For a full thirty seconds, Hayato just stares at Takeshi. And then his eye starts to spasm in a somewhat concerning way just before he launches himself at Takeshi with an ear-piercing shriek of rage.

“I’LL SHOW YOU WHO CAN’T KEEP UP!”

Takeshi gracefully dances out of the way of Hayato’s wild swipes and laughs.

“I sure hope so.”

Me and Tsuna watch as they run around like dumbasses and completely forget about our objective. Oh well, it was getting a little late in the day for us to claim victory. And who knows, maybe Hayato will actually take this as a sign to stop smoking so fucking much. I don’t think he’s wearing **as much dynamite** under his clothes since Tsuna spoke to him, but there is still enough that his bad habit causes very real concern.

I’m still half terrified that I will accidentally shock him and we will both explode.

Tsuna sighs deeply and slumps completely over the log, “I give up.”

“No giving up Dame-Tsuna,” Reborn calls down from on high and fires.

The bullet hits it’s extremely easy target and a moment later Tsuna is ignited in a blaze of glory and rushes, clad only in his boxer shorts, into the woods.

“CAPTURE DINO-NIISAN WITH MY DYING WILL!!!!”

* * *

* * *

We still lose.

But we do better than last time which is awesome. And it’s a riot to watch Tsuna plow through Dino’s boys in his berserker rage.

Our team attacks are also starting to get a bit more coordinated. We are led by the trumpet of Tsuna’s bugle horn which is followed by dancing piano keys and ringing bells and my own frantic drumbeat.

It’s like being part of the weirdest marching band ever.

* * *

* * *

On day four the kid gloves come off.

Apparently, having Tsuna run around in Dying Will Mode yesterday had signaled to the Cavallone boys that it was cool for them to buts our their own magic firepower.

So, yeah, when a bunch of them start glowing and performing inhuman feats our battle strategy for the day soon becomes - run like hell. Because out of the four of us Tsuna is the only one who is the least bit adept at using Dying Will Flames, and that is only after Reborn has shot him with a Deathperation bullet.

I don’t even know how I do the shit I do other than ‘embrace the dark side and use my rage.’ That’s kind of it for me, get super pissed off and then use the zappy-zap. I also have the ray gun but that seems a little excessive right at this moment. Considering the last time I used it in combat it blasted the limbs of a regenerating monster. I’m not sure if it will always do that but I would like to test it some more before I try it on a real living person who I don’t want dead.

Dino and his family might have some cool shit hidden up their sleeves but I don’t think any of them have the power to regrow their limbs. It’s probably a good thing that I also brought my handy-dandy taser with me today.

An incoming blast of red fire that blows apart a huge stump sends us scattering to the four winds. I stupidly run straight into a shimmery blue forcefield of rain flames that make me feel like I’m moving through molasses.

“Got you, you irritating punk!” One very big fucker growls as he plucks me out of the trap by the back of my shirt and holds me aloft by the back of my collar.

Where I just sort of dangle like a disobedient kitten.

There is a burst of yellow light around his fists that tip me off to Sun Flames, meaning whoever set up the nifty little ‘slow’ trap is probably lurking around somewhere too.

I can’t help but notice that he doesn’t hold a candle to the divine light that Kyoko exudes whenever she uses her flames to kick ass. And no one will ever measure up the fraction of power that I have glimpsed from Reborn. I’m pretty sure he actually has a literal sun jammed into him.

I give my captor a charming smile.

“Yup, you sure do big guy,” I say antagonistically. “So what are you going to do with me?”

He snarls.

“I’m going to teach you some manners fro disrespecting my boss the way you did.”

“What? Are you still sore about that?” I scoff and shove my hands into my pockets. Its kind of an awkward position considering the angle I am being held aloft at. But it's good enough to get my hands on my weaponry.

“Dino-niichan is already over it,” I continue letting the new nick-name roll off my tongue. It still feels a little weird to call him that. But it is also much easier for me to deal with Dino if I just think of him as a bigger, dumber version of Tsuna.

“Besides I was only messing with you guys... **Unless it’s true and he actually needs you guys to fu-“**

“YOU SHUT YOUR FUCKING MOUTH!”

He winds up to sock me in the head. Sun flames bursting around his fist. If I hadn’t come prepared today I might actually have been in trouble. I pull the taser and it jam it into his forearm.

And he lights up like a Christmas Tree.

The burst of electricity travels down my arm and everything explodes into green and white. I feel as all his muscles seize up. His attack stalls out and he falls onto his back twitching.

For once I actually manage to land on my feet.

“Sorry about that dude,” I apologize to the smoldering form. He’s a little bit charred now, which I think is a vast improvement on the asshole look he was rocking before.

Before I can congratulate myself any further the smell of burnt plastic hits my nose and I look down to what is left of the taser in my hand. The frame is warped and melted looking and I have to quickly drop it to avoid being burnt.

“Oh God damn it,” I curse.

Apparently, regular weaponry doesn’t react well with magic fire. Good to know.

I kick at it a little bit to make sure that it's not going to spontaneously burst into flames before I turn to look up into the tree where Reborn is perched.

“I think I might need to invest in something a little more stabby or bludgeon-y for close range,” I call up to him. When he doesn’t give any visible reaction I take my cue to scurry up the tree and perch next to him. I can just barely make out Hayato and Takeshi chasing after Dino who has Tsuna slung over his shoulders.

I can probably intercept them over by the Dead Mans Drop.

But before I run off and do that...

“And speaking of weapons, maybe something less breakable for Takeshi,” I continue, “Seriously he’s gone through like six bats today alone.”

“Hn.”

* * *

* * *

The next morning, when we arrive up at the mountain base camp, Reborn hands Takeshi a solid metal bat.

“Take this Takeshi-kun,” he says with a placid smile.

Takeshi drops the literal laundry basket full of baseball bats that he had been carrying to take it in his hands. He tests the grip and does a few test swings. He has to adjust his stance a few times before he’s gets anything resembling his usual swing speed.

I can tell just by looking at it that that bat has some heft to it.

“This is for me?” He asks.

Reborn nods and Takeshi grins happily, “Thanks kid, this is great.”

“Now swing as hard as you can,” Reborn orders.

Takeshi blinks but complies.

He swings and everything is a blur of motion for an instant and when he settles again the bat is a sword...

The BAT is a SWORD.

...

Why?

Why is the bat a sword?

How is the bat a sword?

I think I knew that this was going to be the result here, but I still can’t seem to wrap my head around it. What sort of transmutation witchcraft is this!? What does velocity have to do with it!?

WHY IS THE BAT A SWORD!?

Everyone else seems to be completely oblivious to my developing mental breakdown.

“Wow!” Takeshi grins while doing some test swipes with his brand new bat-sword, “This is nifty. Thanks, little guy.”

“A SWORD?!” Tsuna exclaims.

And, thank you brother, because I could not even bring myself to form words at this moment.

“It looks like a bat,” Reborn explains, “but if it goes over 300km/h it will transform into a katana.”

“Good, that means you won't have to keep stealing my dynamite baseball-idiot,” Hayato snarks.

“So Takeshi-kun’s weapon will be a katana?” Tsuna asks, SUDDENLY COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THE ENTIRE THING.

I don’t have an opportunity to make any commentary on my own because a moment later team Cavallone is open firing on us and we have to scatter into the woods. I am extremely distracted throughout the first round of combat.

Seriously, disadvantage on everything because all I keep doing is circling back to the bat of fucking transmutation. I just stare at Takeshi the entire time as he uses his new toy to slice through the rubber projectiles Dino’s boys are shooting at us.

One more item to my list of ongoing mysteries.

How the heck do these transforming items work?

And, more importantly, is there a way for me to weaponize glitter? I feel like this should be a thing. Glitter conducts electricity, doesn’t it?

I’ll have to ask Verde when he inevitably kidnaps me.

* * *

* * *

On day six it pours rain and we all end up soaked to the skin and covered from head to toe in mud. By the time we make it back home, we are all cold and sore and somewhat miserable from loosing yet again.

Takeshi and Hayato had started spending the night after day two. It was just more convenient that way. And let me tell you, with Lambo and Hayato existing in the same household that stupid bazooka has gone off so many times that it is not even funny.

I don’t know why Hayato lets what a five-year-old says get under his skin so badly (it might have something to do with the ongoing nicotine withdrawal that has him on edge) they just poke at each other until Lambo eventually has a meltdown and we are visited by his time-traveling counterpart. It is a bizarre dissonant clash of a storming mash of piano keys and a blasting tuba bouncing off the walls.

And somehow even the fifteen-year-old version of Lambo ends up clinging to me and wailing ‘FRATELLO!’ In the face of Hayato’s irritation.

When we finally walk through the door Mom takes one look at the lot of us, dripping and muddy and orders us to strip down and head straight to the bath. We all do so gladly.

“It’s not fair,” Tsuna complains once we are all clean and in our pajamas, tucked into our nest of blankets and futons that have taken over the living room floor. “I don’t know what Reborn expects us to do. No matter what we’re going to loos because they have us totally outnumbered.”

Even Tsuna has gotten fed up with our constant failure to defeat the Cavallone army and capture their princess. He’s not even trying to give up anymore. Though to be fair, Reborn had hammered in pretty firmly that giving up was not an option and would, in fact, just make this entire training montage more difficult for everyone.

“The kid really isn’t taking it easy on us is he?” Takeshi says with a grimace as he tries to work out a kink in his shoulder.

Tsuna glowers, “He’s so bossy for a baby, I don’t know why we have to listen to him.”

“Because he’s smarter and stronger than all of us combined,” I shoot back, irritated on the man’s behalf.

Tsuna ‘humphs’ and burrows deeper into the blankets in a fit of petulance.

“So what are we going to do about Dino and his boys?” I say changing the subject. It bothers Reborn when people call him a baby. He never says anything to dissuade anyone, but I can tell that it grates on him in an unpleasant way.

And I know that Tsuna is eventually going to get over this. They’ll bond and eventually, he will break out of the weird mind-warping powers of the curse and this won't really be an issue anymore.

But right now I hate it.

So I’ll keep changing the subject.

...

Until I learn to multi-class into a curse breaker.

“We need more people on our team,” is Takeshi’s response. He is in the middle of rolling a shivering Hayato into a blanket burrito. Amazingly Hayato is just letting this happen without any complaints.

“Who would we ask idiot?” Hayato says through chattering teeth, “This isn’t exactly a team sport.”

And then he sneezes like fifteen times in a row which is somewhat concerning.

I can think of a hand full of people that would probably be down for a bit of violence. Hibari and the gorillas from the Defence Committee are chief among them. And right after them would be-

“...Kyoko-chan...” Tsuna says quietly.

“Yes,” I say immediately. Because Sasagawa Kyoko is a fucking badass and I would very much like to watch her crush our enemies beneath her functional Mary Janes.

“She is very strong,” Takeshi agrees thoughtfully.

Even Hayato makes a noise of agreement.

“What the heck would I even say to her through?!” Tsuna wails, “This is just too weird!”

“You say ‘Hey Kyoko do you want to come to kick some ass with us?’”I tell him.

“I can’t say that! She’ll think I’m a crazy person and never talk to me again!”

I give him a flat look. Apparently, he has forgotten that about two weeks ago we followed Kyoko on a mission of vengeance to take down the forces of darkness that had been plaguing our fair city. I really don’t think she will take issue with combat training.

Hayato and Takeshi immediately start helping Tsuna brainstorm the best way to pitch this to Kyoko. It all sounds like terrible dating advice to me. Seriously, the way these three are going on you’d think girls were an alien species. But they seem to be having fun with it at least.

However, once they get the idea into their heads to summon ‘adult’ Lambo to ask his ‘expert’ advice about speaking to women I decide to NOPE right out of there. I don’t really feel like staring into the jaws of the Erdrich abomination that lives in that bazooka right now. Sorry, little brother, you’re on your own for this one.

I extricate myself from the nest of blankets and as quickly as I can tiptoe up the stairs as the three idiots start to literally poke the sleeping boy who had been curled up on the couch behind us.

I am halfway up before I hear Lambo wail, “WAHHH, STUPID-DERA IS MEAN!!” And I have to resist the urge to throw something at Hayato’s head.

A second later there is the now familiar KA-BOOM of the bazooka and the living room is engulfed in cotton candy pink smoke. I take this as my cue to hurry the rest of the way up the stairs as for idiots try to answer the age-old question of ‘how do you talk to girls?’ Because apparently my own method of ‘like they are real fucking people’ isn’t a valid response.

I walk into the bedroom and immediately flop face-first down onto my bed. After a moment of laying there, I peak out an eye and spare a side glance at Reborn. He has a laptop set up on the desk (if that brick can be called a laptop) as he reads through what looks like an extremely dense text file and sips on a mug of espresso.

He gives me a quick nod of acknowledgment before turning back to the screen.

“I thought you boys were going to be ‘talking strategy,’” he says casually.

“And somehow that became ‘let’s ask a time traveler for dating advice. He must know all about talking to women.’” I snark.

He snorts so abruptly that I think he startles himself.

“And they thought to ask the COW?” He asks incredulously.

“Yup, because apparently he looks like he would be good at it.”

Reborn pulls the brim of the fedora down to cover his face but I can feel the waves of amusement radiating off of him.

“Not that it matters,” I continue, “I’m sure that Kyoko will find whatever dumb thing they convince Tsuna to do adorable and endearing.”

“I was wondering when Dame-Tsuna would think to ask her.”

“I think he probably thought of it the first day up there and he’s just been agonizing about how to go about asking her ever since.”

Something that vaguely resembles fondness flashes across his face before it vanishes, “Dame-Tsuna.”

We settle into a companionable silence as he goes back to working on his ‘laptop’ (I wonder if I could convince Verde to invent better computers. He’s a smart guy. And then he could invent Google and the actual internet and my life would be exponentially better). I start reaching blindly under my bed searching for one of the jackets I know that I threw there the other day. There is still a lot of fucking glitter around here which is actually somewhat distracting when I am hanging upside down with all the blood rushing to my head.

When I find it I fish out I reach into the pocket to retrieve a folded and creased magazine page that I meant to look at long before this. It’s been a busy couple of days.

I unfold it and settle back into bed to give it a good stare.

Cassandra Della Rosa and Rokudo Mukuro.

Relinquish your secrets to me.

....

What the fuck are you up to Mukuro?

It would be nice if the picture would actually just tell me what the heck is going on here.

Actually, no, on second thought I really don’t want to deal with inanimate objects talking to me. There are enough horror tropes going on here to add haunted pictures to the mix.

Cassandra still looks as unsettling as she did the first time I looked at this picture. And Mukuro still looks as faded as he did before. Though his eyes stand out in an uncomfortably prominent way.

I feel a barely noticeable dip in the mattress and then Reborn is there pulling the picture out of my hands. I let it go without a fight. There is no point hiding shit from the smartest man in the room.

I watch as his brows pull together in a frown as he studies the image.

“She looks creepy as fuck right?” I say out of a need to say something.

“Unhinged,” He agrees and then goes back to studying.

I let it go on for a moment longer before I continue.

“There is something off about that guy.”

“Guy?” He questions.

I realize that our creepy illusionist stalker is a little bit difficult to spot. I reach my arm around Reborn in order to tap on Mukuro. Still really unsettling to look at, he looks like a fucking poltergeist or something.

“That guy.”

Reborn stares at the picture without saying anything. He stares at it for a full minute half reclined against my arm. With each passing second, the pit of dread in my stomach grows.

“...You can’t see the guy can you?” I ask him with a feeling of awful certainty.

He lowers the magazine page onto the bed continuing to stare at it with his fingers tapping rhythmically against his knee.

“No,” He finally says, “I can’t.”

I slowly lever myself up so that I can look at the page. I definitely still see him standing there. In fact, I think I can see him more clearly now which does nothing to calm my flaying nerves.

“Oh great, super,” the shrill edge of mania in my voice even takes me a little off guard, not that I care at the moment. “Haunted photograph. That’s just perfect, now we probably have seven days to live before he comes and eats our souls or something.”

I have never done well with ghost stuff. I don’t care if it’s all just a bunch of bullshit, something about ghost stories always rubbed me the wrong way and leave my skin crawling.

Reborn pulls his phone out of his jacket and takes a picture of the page. I don’t know why he would bother cell phone camera resolution in this universe is just tragic. Somehow we have things like functional time machines and robots, but somehow camera phones, and wi-fi continue to elude inventors.

“We’re probably all cursed now... or double cursed I guess.”

Reborn goes absolutely rigid next to me and I do my absolute best not to react myself. I am sure now that he doesn’t even like the word ‘cursed’ though. But it’s not the time for **that** particular conversation quite yet. We have slightly more pressing issues to deal with at them moment.

Is it possession?

“I don’t suppose you ever heard back from your ‘contacts in Naples?’” I ask aggressively changing the subject.

Reborn is silent for a long moment as he stares at me before he sighs and hops back over to the computer on the desk.

“I did.”

When there is no immediate follow up to this admission I realize that I’m going to need to prod.

“Yes? And? Care to share?”

Everything about his posture is screaming **stressed.** And that immediately puts me on edge. Something is wrong. I already knew that something was wrong with this entire situation, but this just cranks the dial of wrongness all the way.

“You are relentlessly curious,” He sighs.

“Knowledge is power dude,” I fire back, “I would rather be on top of this shit before it comes to try and murder us again.”

“Your brother isn’t even half as invested,” he says, “Are you sure you don’t want to go play with the rest of them downstairs.”

“Tsuna is plenty invested,” I grouse, “If he wasn’t invested you would have to work a lot harder to get him to do any of this training stuff. But investigations checks aren’t his job they’re mine. He gets to do the badass finishing moves at the end.”

Seriously, I am looking forward to the badass-ness of Hyper Dying Will Mode Tsuna.

Reborn rolls his eyes.

“I have no idea what to do with you.”

“You can start by telling me interesting mafia secrets,” I say cheekily which earns me a glare. “Please and thank you?” I amend.

“Sei un idiota.”

“Oi, I do know when you’re calling me an idiot, man.”

Reborn doesn’t respond to that beyond a small tilt of the fedora as he brings up some image files, that take a painfully long time to load on the string. They show a scenic shoreline of what I am going to assume is Naples.

“The Estraeno compound is located on a small privately-owned island off the Gulf of Naples.” He finally begins.

“Fancy.”

And it is. The picture shows what looks like a castle that has partially been carved into the rock of the island.

“According to what my informants were able to get from questioning the locals; specific members of the family used to make frequent trips to and from the mainland. They were described as polite yet off-putting, and apparently the family ‘had’ lots of children.”

Ah.

“They were always there to pick up the children. Though, apparently, only one of them was ever reported to be seen with the family on multiple occasions.”

“Not their kids?”

“Decidedly not.”

Reborn shuts the image files down and reopens the text file. Now that I have a better view of it I think it looks like a transcript or something. I still can’t read anything on it though.

“The Estraeno have infamously avoided dealing with other Families for generations. They have their territory and their ‘businesses’ but never sought to expand or to form alliances. They have mostly been left to their own devices apart from a small conflict with another Family in the region about seven years ago.”

He taps his fingers against his knee again and I hear a dark and sonorous flow of the first few notes played on a violin.

“Just about two years ago they approached the Vongola looking to make a deal.”

I am taken so off guard by the melody that has begun to play that I don’t even make a smartass comment. It’s nothing like the short burst that I had heard days ago.

And its nothing like the song that plays between me and Tsuna. Our song is a happy upbeat thing full of interplay in improvisation. Over the past week, little by little Hayato and Takeshi have begun to join our harmony. It’s not perfect, not yet at least. There are a whole bunch of missed beats and dropped notes but the more we level up our group social links the better it gets. We follow Tsuna’s lead and it’s a happy welcoming song full of fun and energy.

The melody that I hear from Reborn is so much more complex, and so much sadder.

“What did they want,” I ask trying my very hardest not to be weird and stare at him.

“The wanted access to some of Vongola’s weapons research, but more specifically they were interested in these,” He says and holds up a familiar-looking bullet between his fingers. “Their intent was getting access to the Deathperation bullet in exchange for some of their own research.”

“I wasn’t privy to the initial meeting that took place between Nono and the Estraeno representative, but the initial negotiations fell through and their requests were denied. That should have been the end of it, however...”

Reborn makes a gesture toward the text file and continues, “a ‘friend’ at headquarters managed to dig this up for me.”

“Let me guess; there was some sneaky double-dealing going on,” I say.

Reborn nods.

“A meeting went forward. A deal was struck,” the melody that Reborn is unknowingly or unintentionally projecting at me picks up. There is a baroquian elegance to it that is...lovely...

“Massimo might have been a spineless weasel, but he was remorseless when there was something that he wanted.

A note drops, and the entire piece stutters and stumbles in a lurching upsetting way. Outwardly Reborn doesn’t react at all, his expression remains neutral.

But that felt... painful.

“And he wanted the title.”

Something terrible clicks into place.

Fratricide isn’t uncommon in the mafia...

“Holy fuck, he got the Estraeno to kill Federico.”

Reborn gives me a sharp appraising look.

“He did right? That’s the connection.”

“It looks that way,” Reborn says finally. “I don’t quite have enough evidence to prove it. Honestly, if you hadn’t mentioned the name I wouldn’t have thought to look into them in the first place.”

There is an explosion of commotion from downstairs as Tsuna shrieks, Takeshi laughs, and Hayato starts yelling something at Lambo. It sounds like they’re having fun too.

“But wait, shit, that still doesn’t explain why Cassandra would have teamed up with them when they were the ones who took out her hubby-to-be.”

Unless of course something really fucked up happened when she went missing in Naples. And with the way this conversation is trending, I would not discount that for a second.

“No, it doesn’t,” Reborn says looking unhappy.

The music picks up again as he starts scrolling through the document. Hiding off to the side of the screen I can just make out an image of what looks to be a family photo with the three Vongola brothers and Timoteo himself. It doesn’t look like a particularly happy photo...

But now I know which of the brothers was his student.

Enrico.

The melody breaks again. This time it feels worse, but I think that’s because I know what I’m listening for now.

A drop, a stutter, a stumble.

It’s like there is the expectation of something else being there to catch it.

“But hey, look,” I say forcing a smile onto my face trying to distract from whatever the heck is going on with him. “I’m not a complete idiot after all.”

He chuckles, “No, you’re certainly not that Monello.”

I most certainly am an actual idiot. I just have a title bit of an advantage when I’m doing all of this Nancy Drew shit.

“So wait, I thought you said that your guys went to check in on the Estraeno compound too? What happened to that? Did they find anything?”

They must have found something. A lot of things might be different from that original story, but I have a gut feeling that is backed up by actual evidence, that the Estraeno Family are or were still involved with human experimentation.

... Using children.

Disgusting fucks.

“They might have found something,” Reborn says with an odd edge in his voice, “I’m not certain.”

“What happened?”

He shrugs and takes a somewhat passive-aggressive sip on his espresso.

“Their bodies washed up on the mainland about twelve hours ago,” he pauses, “what was left of their bodies at least.”

Fuck.

Fuck.

“Fuck,” I say finally, “I’m sorry, man.”

Reborn gives me a humourless look with something that vaguely resembles his usual unaffected smile. And yet it is still leagues away from normal.

“Noting to trouble yourself over Inari. They were criminals, nothing for you to lose sleepover.”

Liar.

His song starts up again. Lower this time. Somber.

It’s a lot.

It **feels** like a lot.

I have to force down the tears that suddenly sting at my eyes.

I hate it.

I haven’t known Reborn very long. It feels longer for me, but that’s because of all of the other stuff that I have jammed into my head. I haven’t known him for long and yet I still know that he’s sad. And it **hurts.**

There is so much there.

There is so much that makes things so unbelievably painful and depressing for him. He’s just resigned to it.

I want to make it better.

I want to fix it.

I hate it when my people hurt.

I hear it coming this time. The moment when the melody breaks. The moment where there should be something there to catch it and it falls to pieces. I don’t know what’s supposed to be there...

“It matters,” I say.

I have no idea what I’m doing.

Improvising I guess.

After all, it’s what I do best.

This time when the melody starts to fall and I hit a drumbeat to bounce it back before it crashes and breaks.

“It matters to you so it matters to me too.”

I don’t know what’s supposed to be there... But it doesn’t matter because **now I am.**

Reborn startles and stares at me wide-eyed. I don’t know if its because he noticed what I did or because my little proclamation comes out of left field with a little more drama than the conversation necessarily called for.

Then he flicks an eraser at my face and beams me right between my eyes knocking me back over onto the bed.

“Ow! What the hell was that for!?”

“I told you before Monello; your still to green to be worrying about me.”

The tempo is still a bit off and I feel clumsy and unpracticed for this next to the multilayered complexities of Reborn’s song... but I’ll make it work. I’ll learn, it’s what I do.

I glower at him and then I petulantly throw the eraser back at him.

He catches it. Of course, he catches it.

“I’ll care if I feel like it,” I announce peevishly.

Downstairs Tsuna starts gleefully shrieking, “She said yes! She said yes!” Which breaks through the pointless tension growing in the room. At least that worked out for him. I knew it would. Kyoko likes him too much.

I sigh and flop back down onto the bed. I still don’t know what we're going to do about all this Estraeno and Cassandra and assassin stuff. I still don’t know what’s up with Mukuro. But I have another piece of that puzzle to play around with now.

An illusion in a photograph.

And why would Cassandra go team up with the people who helped vaporize the love of her life?

And if all of them are still gunning to take out Vongola Decimo Tsuna is still in danger.

“My brain hurts,” I complain as the music in the room finally starts to fade out into wherever the hell it goes when I can’t hear it.

“Go to sleep then,” Reborn tells me sounding completely exasperated.

“Boring,” I complain.

The bedroom door slams open and Tsuna immediately launches himself at me landing hard and knocking the air out of my lungs, again.

“Inari! She said yes! Kyoko-chan said yes!!”

I still don’t think either of them understands how dating works but hey who am I to judge. With my track record, I think my ideal date is ‘random chaos punctuated by flirty banter.’

“Awesome Bro-Bro,” I say and start tickling him until he rolls off of me and lands hard on the floor.

“It seems like you aren’t entirely useless Dame-Tsuna,” Reborn says with a devious smile crawling at the sides of his mouth. “Perhaps I should increase the difficulty for tomorrow?”

Tsuna immediately panics.

“What! N O! Please don’t, it’s hard enough as it is! If you make it any harder there’s no way that Kyoko-chan will want to keep hanging out with us!”

Reborn levels his lime green pistol at Tsuna making my brother let out a high pitched ‘HIEEE!’

“The boss doesn’t beg Dame-Tsuna,” He smirks. “You better prepare yourself, tomorrow you will be running laps before we begin.”

Tsuna looks horrified.

“Laps around what?!”

Reborn pointedly ignores him and goes back to sipping on his espresso.

“LAPS AROUND WHAT!?”

As Tsuna begs and pleads futility with Reborn I pull out my phone and scroll through my contacts until I hit the one that I’m looking for and make a face.

Oh well, if Tsuna is calling in our Paladin we might as well go all-in with the big guns.

I type out the message:

**Hey asshole, you up for some violence?**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think I have said it before, but Inari is a fucking mess who has no idea how to deal with his own emotions. He runs on impulse and trusts that shit will work out (eventually) even if he has no idea what he is getting himself into like 90% of the time. He really does suffer from the curse of an interesting life ;) 
> 
> Guys I love you all so much. I hope you’re all enjoying reading this as much as I am enjoying writing it. 
> 
> As always I love to hear from you all, so let me know: Questions? Comments? Theories?


	15. When Life Mirrors Soap-Opera

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Summon the beast and unleash chaos.

I wake up buzzing with so much energy that I am literally sparking. I somehow managed to short out the alarm clock when I went to smack it, and when I went to make coffee the machine sputtered to life without me having to plug it in. I spend five solid minutes standing in the kitchen holding on to the end of the coffee maker plugin while the machine does its sacred duty.

I’m the fucking energizer bunny apparently.

When I hand Reborn his thermos at the front door before we head out we both get this jolt like ‘BZZZT.’ Then we just stare at each other, and there is no universe where I could stop the enormous smile from taking over my face. Because I have said it before, but I feel it bears repeating-

“Oh my god,” I grin.

“Don’t,” Reborn attempts to cut my glee short. His fingers pinch the bridge of his nose as he glares at me.

“Your hair is fucking amazing dude.”

He lets out this long sigh as he attempts to bring some order to the curly and now frizzy sideburns.

“You are an unbelievable menace,” he says, but he sounds more amused than angry, though I have no doubt that one day he shall take swift vengeance upon me. Boldly, I continue on with my sudden impulse to attempt to snatch his fedora away while he is distracted.

Reborn grabs my hand in his unreasonably strong grip before I can grab it. He quirks a challenging eyebrow at me and I absolutely dissolve into helpless giggles.

“I know,” I laugh and set down the thermos next to him, “Isn’t it awesome?”

“What are you doing?” Tsuna asks as he carefully walks down the stairs he’s looking at me half curled on the ground in the middle of a terribly stifled giggle fit.

“You’re too slow Dame-Tsuna,” Reborn tells him, “ Hurry up or I’ll make you run up the mountain.”

“HIEE!” Is Tsuna’s shrill reply as he slips on the second to last step and lands on his ass between the two of us.

“Quiet down Bro-Bro,” I say, still unable to stop smiling like a lunatic, “The boys are still sleeping, you don’t want to wake them do you?” I motion toward the living room where Takeshi, Hayato, and Lambo are still in a tangle of limbs in the blanket nest.

I told them not to stay up so late.

He nods and the two of us quietly get our shoes on and slip out of the house.

And, as promised, Tsuna starts out the day running laps.

Lucky for him the circuit that Reborn has chosen for him just circles the neighborhood between our house and the school and back. I mean he has to do it ten times, but still, it’s better than having to run around the base of the mountain ten times.

I don’t have to follow them on the run. I’m not the one facing the punishment game after all, but I do because if I don’t do something to burn off all this excess energy I think I may actually make something explode. And as fun as that might be, we have some even more fun things planned for today that might be derailed on account of electrical explosions.

So we run.

It’s only six in the morning, but already it feels like it's going to be a hot day. And combined with all the moisture in the air from the rainstorm yesterday it feels a lot like running through a sauna. Which even I think is a little brutal. It will be nice to go up the mountain again where the air is at least somewhat cooler.

It’s even harder on Tsuna, who doesn’t quite have my unflagging stamina, by the time were on lap three he is panting and sweating and ready to throw in the towel, extra punishment be damned.

“No stopping Dame-Tsuna,” Reborn reprimands as my brother half collapses against the fence breathing heavily.

“I’m dyingggg~” Tsuna whines and he sinks down to his knees.

“C’mon Bro-Bro I believe in you,” I try to encourage.

He glares up at me, “How are you not dying?”

I shrug.

“Obviously I’m part energizer bunny,” I tell him repeating my earlier thought.

He gives me a questioning look, “Part what?”

“Nothing,” I say, quickly brushing off my inter-dimensional slip up.

I start tugging on his shirt to pull him back up to his feet. He groans but lets himself be hoisted, and soon we are on the road again. Although this time we are going at a slower pace. It won't do anyone any good if Tsuna collapses from heat exhaustion. We go on in silence for another two blocks before Tsuna burst out:

“Are you okay?”

The very real level of anxiety that is suddenly coloring his voice is startling and I give him a somewhat worried look.

“I’m...fine? Are you okay? You don’t have heat stroke do you?”

I don’t really know why he’s asking all of a sudden.

“I don’t have heat stroke,” He says, “It’s just...”

“What?”

He grimaces, “You’ve been kinda...” Tsuna makes a wobbly hand motion in place of an actual descriptor, “More than usual I mean.”

I give him something of a cockeyed smile as we keep running. “So what you’re saying is that I have been extra special levels of crazy lately.”

Tsuna sticks out his tongue at me and then proceeds to almost bite it off when he trips over a crack in the pavement. I manage to grab the back of his shirt and haul him back to his feet before either of us can stop running.

“I didn’t mean it like that,” he argues.

“I know.”

“It’s just...you got hurt really bad and then you freaked out really, really bad and I just...I need you to be okay, okay?”

It takes a moment for me to unscramble the word soup, but I get a warm burst of affection once I suss out the meaning behind the ramble.

“Because you rely on my stellar wit and charm?” I sass him.

Which he, of course, completely one-ups with a gentle smile and brutal honesty.

“Because you’re my brother and I love you.”

Sap.

We are both such terrible saps.

What the hell would I do without him?

**Die probably.**

I link my arms through his and give it a quick squeeze.

“Love you too Bro-Bro,” I tell him genuinely, “And I am fine, I just have a whole bunch of fun new obsessions.”

Tsuna snorts, “Like what?”

“Oh, you know; mafia stuff, magic fire stuff, attempted assassination stuff.”

He’s quiet for a moment before speaking again, “why I’m apparently Vongola Decimo but all the assassins had your name instead?”

I see he’s still angry about that.

“Of course I’m angry about it!” He bursts, apparently harnessing the powers of twin telepathy to read my mind.

“I’m angry about a lot of this mafia stuff, but I’m really angry that some asshole that we’ve never met decided that it was okay for people to hurt you.”

“To be fair I’m pretty sure they were just capitalizing on the fact that you come complete with a convenient body double.”

I mean it as a joke, but it does not land that way. Tsuna comes to a screeching halt and I almost fall on my face when he grabs my arm and whips me around to face him.

“Don’t.”

He looks absolutely **FURIOUS.** I can’t entirely suppress the ‘EEP!’ That escapes me when his eyes shift from brown to blazing orange. And this time when the music kicks in its different.

**It’s different.**

Under the force of dying will it is louder and more resonant than I have ever heard before. There is an edge of emotion and depth and the song usually lacks.

“Tsu-“

“Don’t,” he repeats, “Everything is always a joke with you but this isn’t a joke. Don’t you dare try to laugh it off and pretend that it isn’t important.”

I guiltily avert my gaze and mumble, “Sorry.”

Tsuna lets go of my arm looking just as uncomfortable as I feel about the serious direction this conversation has taken. “I didn’t...Look, you can make whatever dumb jokes you want and try to blow it off but,” his eyes transition back to their regular brown, “You’ve always looked out for me, even when things were hard for you too.”

“You took care of me too Tsuna,” I try to press.

“BUT I DIDN’T!” He snaps, running his hands frantically through his hair, “I didn’t because the world was grey and hard and nothing ever made sense unless you were there too and even that wasn’t the **SAME,** but it was better than nothing.”

“Things are getting better now, I feel **better** now so let me take care of you sometimes too.”

I hug him.

For once I can't think of anything else to say so I just throw myself at Tsuna and I hug him. And it’s not for the reason he thinks. I hug him because I just realized, with horrible clarity, exactly what the seal on his flames had done to him.

I had known it was something like that, but to hear him actually say it out loud. And I can hear in his voice how much it hurt him.

I hate a lot of things.

But I think I hate Timoteo most of all.

I wish I could go back in time and stop him. I wish I could have stopped him back then.

I don’t remember anything about his visit to our home. He had come with the old man I know that much... and then nothing.

And then nothing...

Because that had been the year the world had stopped.

“You’re doing great Bro-Bro,” I mumble wetly into his shoulder.

He sniffles, “So are you.”

And then I jab him in his diaphragm and he flails and jumps away from me.

“What was that for!”

“We look after each over Bro-Bro,” I snark at him and aggressively rub the tears out of my eyes, “So don’t go trying to embrace martyrdom on my behalf. Things are cool, were both great, and it’s not just us. We have our whole adventuring party behind us now and we are all leveling up. If anyone tries to fuck with us they will be sorry.”

I sling a companionable arm around his shoulders and start pulling him along.

“And for now, we better get a move on so you can do your weird battle date with our paladin.”

The reference to Kyoko is enough to snap him back to his regular self.

“AH! Kyoko-chan!” He panics and turns to Reborn who has been sitting on the fence patiently waiting for us to finish our random heart-to-heart. “What time is it?!”

Leon transforms into a comically large clock and Reborn makes a show of checking the time. “Almost time to head up, you better hurry Dame-Tsuna or Kyoko will think that you’re standing her up.”

He finishes with that bit of provocation and Tsuna zooms off shrieking about terrible spartan tutors.

I laugh and move to follow after him. He has gotten fast.

“You weren’t incorrect with your assessment,” Reborn says with some gravity as he hops onto my shoulder.

“About what?” I ask him as I jog after Tsuna. There is a high pitched squeak from somewhere that has me looking around. When I can’t spot anything I just keep on my way.

I do have that nagging ‘I’m being crept on’ feeling that usually means trouble though.

“Vongola is using you to protect Tsunayoshi.”

“I figured,” I tell him and shake off the feeling. “They would be stupid not to.”

“You’re not bothered?” He asks and I feel a warm burst of Sunshine at the base of my neck that gives me the extra kick to catch up with Tsuna.

“No? I mean it’s my job isn’t it?”

“What is?”

**“I’m the lightning rod.”**

Reborn doesn’t say anything, but I felt that microscopic flinch.

Oops, that’s a spoiler, isn’t it?

* * *

* * *

The Sasagawa family lives in one of the worst neighborhoods in Namimori. It isn’t the first time that me and Tsuna have come out this way, but the last time we had been pretty hyped up on adrenaline from the random bout of chaos that was brought on by playing Russian Roulette with magic bullets.

I still think that was one of the best things that could have possibly happened because holy fuck is Kyoko a badass.

I do wish she lived in a better part of town though.

Since the driver, a woman by the name Ginevra who is distinguished by the pattern of burn scars that cover the left side of her face and the awesome cane sword that she has been using to beat our assess with daily, turned into this part of town we have passed by a litany of crimes. At least three separate drug deals, a mugging and...

“What a shitty part of town,” Hayato observes as he shoves some more nicotine gum into his mouth.

“I just saw two people fucking in broad daylight,” I say flatly and watch as they all turn back in morbid curiosity, “It might have even been three, the number of limbs in that pile didn’t really add up.”

“Gross,” Tsuna wrinkles his nose, “Inari I didn’t need to know that.”

“But now you do,” I laugh, “And knowing is half the battle.”

“There are a lot of people looking at us,” Takeshi observes as he watches out the window.

“Sizing us up to see what they can steal,” Hayato says, matter-of-factly, “This car is way too nice for this place. They probably think we’re a bunch of dumb rich fucks.”

I can’t really argue with that. This ‘car’ has the plush interior of a limousine with plush seats that form a ‘U’ formation and a drink cabinet that is built into the partition between the passenger area and the driver.

“It belonged to the boss’s father,” our driver informs us in heavily accented Japanese, “He had a vacation home here in Japan. It was simpler to use these rather than attempt to barter armored vehicles from the local underground.”

Reborn makes a semi-interested noise and says, “It’s good to know that Dame-Dino hasn’t taken up any of hia father's bad habits.”

“Bad habits?” Tsuna asks curiously and earns himself a condescending look and a shot between the eyes from a lime green slingshot.

“Not your business Dame-Tsuna.”

Tsuna hisses and rubs the red spot on his forehead, “And it’s YOURS?” He asks, voice thick with disbelief.

I roll my eyes and lounge back in my seat next to Reborn in order to stretch out and nudge Tsuna’s knee with the tip of my toe. “Give it a rest Bro-Bro we’re almost at Kyoko’s.”

That does the trick as he immediately forgets his irritation with our tutor and starts eagerly looking out the window. Unfortunately, outside is still featuring some pretty fucked up shit and I watch as the excitement on Tsuna’s face is replaced with concern.

“Kyoko-chan’s brother said they lived in a bad part of town but...”

“This is really bad,” Takeshi finishes for him.

“Someone should do something about this.”

It’s not the first time that Tsuna has said something to this effect. But he still looks so shocked that the words came out of his mouth.

“Want us to go bust some heads Tsuna-sama?” Hayato asks, only half-joking. “I’m sure we could take out the shitty criminal element here no problem.”

Takeshi laughs and hooks a companionable arm around Tsuna’s shoulders.

“Tsuna could probably take them all out himself. Remember how he went all ‘FWA!” And “BAM!” With that big turtle the other day.”

“Guyyysss~” Tsuna whines.

I laugh along with the two of them as Tsuna flails.

“Alright boys leave off, you’re going to give him an aneurism,” I say once Tsuna starts to turn purple from embarrassment.

“Relax Bro-Bro we already have plans today. We don’t really have time for round two against our incompetent local criminal element.” I nudge him again, “Maybe tomorrow.”

“It’s good that you have aspirations for your territory Dame-Tsuna,” Reborn says joining in on my good-natured teasing. Of course, he just gets Tsuna flailing even more.

“I didn’t mean it like that!” Tsuna exclaims and curls up like an armadillo.

It doesn’t take much longer for us to pull up in front of Kyoko’s apartment complex. When Tsuna opens the door we are all treated to the sight of Kyoko on the sidewalk completely surrounded by a gang of that aforementioned incompetent criminal element.

“Kyoko-chan!” Tsuna yelps.

“Hello, Tsuna-kun!” She calls happily with a wave and makes to duck through the circle of punks around her. One of them seems to take issue with this and tries to grab her as she slides past him.

Unfortunately, he chose to get handsy with a vengeful paladin and suffers a wrathful smite straight to his balls.

A moment later Kyoko is sliding into the car next to Tsuna and slamming the door shut with a decisive little ‘humph’ before taking Tsuna’s hands in her own and smiling sweetly at him.

“Thank you for inviting me out today Tsuna-kun. I was hoping we would be able to spend time together again soon.”

Ginevra lets out a harsh bark of laughter, “Nice work there girly.” She turns back to look at Kyoko, the burn-scarred side of her face twisting into a terrifyingly awesome smile.

Kyoko smiles sweetly back at her and says, “Thank you, ma’am.” Which earns her another laugh.

The ride back up the mountain is certainly more entertaining with Kyoko in the car with us.

* * *

* * *

I will forever treasure the memory of Dino’s first meeting with Kyoko. Doll-Face has something of a talent for putting his foot in his mouth. It must have something to do with his chronic case fo clumsiness.

“I didn’t know we were going to have an audience today,” Dino says with a charming smile and reaches out a hand to Kyoko. “It’s nice to meet you, bella. My name is Dino Cavallone, Tsuna’s senior apprentice and new big brother.”

Kyoko smiles serenely back at him takes his hand and says, “Nice to meet you Cavallone-san, I’m Kyoko, Tsuna-kun is my boyfriend.”

SHE JUST SAYS.

I watch as Tsuna’s brain goes violently offline at this and he starts mumbling, ‘boyfriend’ over and over in disbelief. Takeshi and Hayato have to move fast to keep him from swooning and falling flat on his face.

And then she ignites her hand in golden sparkles and Dino lets out a loud yelp as she puts just a little too much pressure on his delicate bones.

“And I’m not here to watch Cavallone-san.” She continues and hoists him over her shoulder and books it into the woods.

Seriously, that girl is just about as chill and suave as a person can get.

And also apparently rolls very high initiative.

“Kyoko-chan!” Tsuna calls out and bolts after her closely followed by the boys.

It takes a moment for team Cavallone to understand what happened but once they do they are hot on their heels. At least half of them are lightning up with magic firepower.

“Tsuna is so lucky that girl likes him,” I tell Reborn as he makes his quick change into referee mode.

He gives me a wry look as Leon transforms into a grappling hook and he takes aim.

“Get moving you unrepentant troublemaker or you’ll be getting a punishment next.”

I laugh as he vanishes into the trees.

“Promises, promises.”

I take an extra moment to type out a quick message on my phone before booking it after Tsuna’s trumpet call.

* * *

* * *

Playing keep-away with an actual adult man is a hell of a lot easier when you actually have someone on your team who is strong enough to lug around said adult man while running through rough terrain.

Not that the terrain has any chance of slowing down Kyoko when she is on the warpath.

“She just kicked down a tree,” I hear one of Dino’s boys warble as he watches Kyoko skip across her newly created bridge with Dino still slung across her back.

“Yeah, she’ll do that,” I tell him I’m mock sympathy before dumping a payload of glitter onto him and the two dumb fucks next to him. As the last of the glitter leaves my hand I let out a charge which travels down through the sparkling nebula of static charge sending a brief zap of electricity through all of them before the glitter bursts into smoldering pieces and evaporates.

Damn almost had it that time.

I swing down from the tree and land heavy on his shoulders knocking him to the ground before pushing off to catch up to Tsuna. He has the big guy that I had fried a few days ago on his ass and I can’t abide by that.

Takeshi makes a swing at him with his magic bat of transmutation, but is parried by Ginevra. With a burst of red flames, he is sent flying back. I don’t even have a moment to process before he is crashing into me.

“Ow,” I groan and try to sit up but the world is spinning in a very not-fun way and I lay back down half crushed under Takeshi, “How nice of you to drop in so unexpectedly.”

“Sorry Inari,” he winces and pulls himself off of me.

“No, my bad, I should have been watching out for a pop fly.”

He laughs, “To be fair you don’t really expect the pitcher to be the one flying.”

“I seem to have a talent for catching you though dude. We could almost make a new sport out of it at this point.”

Anything else Takeshi might have to add to our new bit is cut off by Hayato shrieking at us, “MOVE IT!”

Which is all the warning we get before Romario comes out of fucking left field with a barrage of dynamite suspended above him in a prison of blue light. Me and Takeshi only have a moment to roll out of the way before everything detonates.

“Fucking hell.”

A moment later I hear Kyoko yelp as Ginevra slams her cane-sword into her midsection and snatches Dino off of her shoulders.

“Not bad girly,” The woman crows, “Let's see if you can get him back.”

I watch as Kyoko reignites herself in divine light and pulls herself back up and dusts off her pretty blouse. That healing factor is so fucking rad. She is about to lunge when we all hear Tsuna shriek as the big guy and half a dozen of the other Cavallone boys swarm him and take him down.

Shit.

“Forgot about counterattacks.”

I scramble on all fours toward Tsuna, ringing bells and thundering piano keys close at my back. A new sound is joining in with our melody now too; a harp plucked with power and elegance. The sound fades in and out not quite there yet but almost.

Kyoko crosses back over to Tsuna, but Ginevra gets right up on her after tossing Dino onto Romario.

What follows is one of the most brutal smackdowns that we have been treated to yet. But I think we have finally unlocked hard mode which means that we are getting close.

Takeshi and Hayato have been sectioned off by a dozen of them and are doing their best to hold their own. Kyoko has the boss and the mini-bosses on her and can’t get back over to us.

This leaves me facing off with the big fucking Goliath of a man and the other two dozen of them who have Tsuna captured now. My brother looks irritated and terrified and worried all at once.

“What are you going to do now you little punk?” Asks the Goliath patronizingly.

I meet Tsuna’s eyes and I wink.

Tsuna immediately looks more worried than he did before. I don’t know why. You’d think he didn’t trust my master plotting skills or something.

“Hibari Kyoya, Hibari Kyoya, Hibari Kyoya,” I chant like the troll I am.

They all look at me in confusion.

All of them, except for Tsuna who pales and mouths at me, ‘what have you done!?’

“What’s that?” One of them asks, “Some weird Japanese thing?”

“It’s a summoning spell,” I tell him with bared teeth and a manic look.

As a tonfa collides with the back of his head, and in an instant, eight of them are down on the ground.

“To bring forth the demon lord from the abyss.”

Honestly, it had been a long shot. It was the cave troll, after all, do you actually think he got back to me with a defined schedule?

Hell no.

Lucky for me I have always been able to tell when he is lurking around. And I had known that this bait was too juicy for him to pass up.

“Crowding herbivores disrupting the peace,” He licks his lips and his eyes gleam with a promise of pain, “You will all be bitten to death.”

Tsuna finally cracks and shrieks, “HIIIIIEEEEE! Hi- Hi- HIBARI-SAN!?”

Somewhere off to the side, I hear Takeshi say, “Oh boy.” Which is immediately accompanied by Hayato’s own, “What is that crazy motherfucker doing here?”

Hibari ignores all of them and continues on his violent rampage. The tonfa spins, bones snap. I think he probably has a little bit of excess rage built up, what with the closing down of his beloved school building. Oh well, better them than me.

I take advantage of the panic and distraction to grab Tsuna off of the big guy's shoulder and drag him away from what is soon going to be a very bloody ground zero.

“Why is Hibari-san here?!” He demands.

“I called him,” I admit guiltlessly as I hear a handful of the Cavallone boys wail out at once.

“You called him,” Tsuna asks flatly as we quickly skid around the group that has Hayato and Takeshi surrounded and duck into some raised roots.

“Yup,” I reply as I prep a glitter bomb.

“You CALLED him,” Tsuna repeats.

“Yeeees?” I stop in my preparations to stare back at him. Ten feet behind Tsuna a man goes flying into a tree and slams back into the ground with a painful sounding oomph.

“You have Hibari’s number,” He says, and I can’t help but notice that he has suddenly dropped the ‘san.’

“Uh-huh.”

“HOW?”

“... You probably don’t want to know Bro-Bro.”

He just stares at me.

“Quit slacking off Dame-Tsuna and go lead your Family,” Reborn cuts in and fires.

Tsuna is ignited. His clothes, sans underwear, burst off of him for the umpteenth time and he launches himself into the fray with a furious roar.

I distantly hear Hibari’s breath of, ‘Wao,’ as Tsuna busts in for a rage-fueled sneak attack and proceeds to toss the big guy around like he is made of marshmallows rather than extremely dense muscle.

“I see you did some recruiting of your own troublemaker,” Reborn observes dryly as the two of us watch the chaos unfolding.

I cackle.

“I figured I owed him,” I tell him, “After all, I did promise a week of unlimited combat for helping out with that whole warehouse debacle.”

It’s not quite a week's worth, but I’m hoping he will accept this mass offering and forget about the whole thing.

“How considerate of you Monello.”

“I know, aren’t I just a peach?”

Reborn tugs me out of the way before another human projectile can knock me down.

“Not quite how I would put it,” he snarks playfully back at me.

I launch myself out from under the roots with a fistful of glitter in one hand. Hibari has the big guy nice and distracted and Tsuna has headed over to help Kyoko face off against Dino, Romario, and Ginevra. Which just leaves Hayato and Takeshi who are too hammed in to get their own momentum going.

Everywhere I look is bursts of color and action. It hasn’t taken long for all of team Cavallone to realize that Hibari means business and is willing and able to deliver on his promise to ‘bite them to death.’

I slide into two of the crowd that has Hayato and Takeshi surrounded, knocking them down. I use my momentum to keep moving bouncing back up and dragging my fist full of glitter through the air creating a stream of sparkles and shimmers.

Timing.

Timing and voltage.

It has to be precise.

The glitter cloud forms and electricity crackles in my palm and the charge is set. It travels through the cloud of metallic shards and-

It all freezes in mid-fall. A cracking and sparking nebula of green and orange that has a dozen of them trapped up in its net.

“HA!”

It’s not going to last long. I can already smell the burning. But at last its something!

Hayato takes advantage of their semi-paralyzed state to lob a few sticks of dynamite into the crowd. As he does that Takeshi whips out the bat and starts plowing through the other dozen.

* * *

* * *

This time we win.

Unfortunately for Dino, Hibari doesn’t measure victory in the same way us mere mortals do.

* * *

* * *

Inviting my sworn nemesis was both the best and worst decision I could have made today.

Of course as soon as our opponents were on the ground he turned on me. I knew he was going to do this. I had been expecting it, after all, I was the one who had promised him unlimited combat. The rest of this was just icing on the cake for him.

I hadn’t really taken into account the fact that my brother and my friends don’t actually know the full extent of mine and Hibari’s... animosity toward one another.

Tsuna knows that I bitch about him. And to the extent of his knowledge, we have had a few **fights** more than he is comfortable with ... Takeshi probably knows best out of all of them as he had once caught the tail end of one of our, let's say, scraps.

He had also drug me to the nurse's office and held an icepack on my head as I confusedly rambled about how fucking pretty Hibari was.

Tsuna has never actually witnessed me and Hibari Kyoya go at it.

Until now that is.

I have a split second to catch the full brunt force of the tonfa on my forearms as they come crashing down on me. Tsuna shrieks in the background but I don’t really pay attention.

“Sawada Inari,” Hibari says, and he doesn’t even have the grace to be out of breath from all the exertion. “You owe me.”

“Yeah, I owe you a kick in your ass.”

As irritated as Dino and his army have gotten me they are nothing compared to the animosity that I feel toward this psycho.

The moment the pressure lets up on my arms I have a split second to drop low to avoid the roundhouse kick. Which I take advantage of and sweep his other foot out from under him. He doesn’t land on his ass like I had been hoping, but it's a near thing.

“Fucking hell can you just-“

He spins back around and this time the tonfa catches me hard in the shoulder on a downward swing and I have to struggle to stay on my feet. And then the dirge of our school anthem kicks in on the worlds most paradoxically chill metaphysical flute and I can only stare at him.

Of course.

Contrary fucking asshole.

What else would it possibly be?

It grates so badly on my nerves that I completely lose any semblance of concentration until I can block it out.

Couldn’t Tsuna have summoned a nicer fluffier Cloud? I know that’s against the 'nature of the beast' thing but it would have been nice not to be drawn into harmony with this fucking asshole.

But, no, Tsuna only attracts badasses and contrary fuckers.

Hibari takes advantage of my momentary distraction and backhands me across the face sending me sprawling to the ground.

Fucking OW!

I flip back up on my hands and kick him the side of his stupidly attractive face.

“Have you ever considered some sort of therapy to deal with all these extremely violent urges of yours?” I antagonize and dodge as his tonfa speeds mere millimeters past my head.

“Too noisy,” is his near monosyllabic response.

“Honestly, it is impossible to get any interesting conversation out of you,” I grumble, “It’s always biting something to death or telling me to shut up. Read a book.”

And then I throw one of my last baggies of glitter at him and watch with a certain level of vindication as it bursts into his face.

He goes stock still for a moment before he looks at me with absolute bloodlust in his eyes and charges straight at me.

“Eep!”

Not a second too late Tsuna rushes in and performs a daring rescue, dragging me out of the way of a particularly aggressive swing. One, I will add, that tore an enormous hole in the tree to my immediate left.

Fucking hell.

Kyoko might be able to do all the kicking down trees and moving boulders thing when she is bathed in a divine light. But Hibari does the same shit at his baseline which is fucking terrifying to me.

“Thanks, Bro-Bro.”

I say as Dino’s whip lashes out by us and ensnares Hibari’s arms.

“That’s just about enough of that,” says Dino looking both impressed and vaguely terrified by the amount of damage one teenager was able to enact against his army of highly trained mobsters. “You shouldn’t go attacking your own teammates.”

Which is exactly the wrong thing to say to a raging Hibari.

“Crowding herbivores disgust me,” he says turning his attention to Dino, “Are you the king of the herbivores?”

“Am I wha-?”

Dino doesn’t get a chance to finish that though because Hibari fucking bum rushes him. Bound arms and all. I don’t think Doll-Face is used to people running toward him once he has them insnared. I see that moment of ‘of fuck’ panic that flashes across his face just before the barbarian slams into him and they both go rolling down the ledge into the clearing six feet below.

“BOSS!” Romario calls out and slides down after them.

The rest of us just watch kind of stunned.

“What the fuck?” Hayato asks.

“That was actually relatively mellow for him.”

“Is Dino-san okay?” Takeshi asks.

I peek over Tsuna’s shoulder to see them both starting to pull themselves back up to their feet.

“He’s good. He should probably brace himself though.”

“Are you okay?” Tsuna asks, suddenly reanimating and running his hands all over my head and face. Checking for any severe brain damage I assume.

“Yeah, I’m good.”

“Good,” Tsuna says with a sigh of relief.

And then he aggressively starts jabbing me in the ribs with his fingers sending me flailing onto the ground.

“What was that for!?” I demand.

“DON’T DO THAT AGAIN!” He screams back at me.

I consider for a moment, and then I peak over the ledge to were Dino is desperately trying to calm the raging beast.

“Yeah, I think I’ll have to learn command monster before trying that summoning spell again.”

“You’re impossible,” Tsuna says with a heavy sigh and then he wanders off toward Kyoko. I watch him go with a vague smile pulling at my lips.

He almost slips and falls off of the recently created bridge across the ravine. Kyoko reaches out and catches him one-handed and hauls him up off his feet and into her arm. They eventually settle into the awkward and extremely adorable pose with Tsuna’s legs hooked around her waist, arms around her neck as she just holds him up like that with no visible effort.

They are both giggling and blushing like a couple of idiots and it’s one of the cutest things that I have ever seen in my life.

They are the sweetest.

I will fight anyone who tries to come between these adorable beans.

Hayato and Takeshi managed to finish off their own opponents and now they are picking their way through Hibari’s ‘victim’s, checking to make sure none of them are actually dead. They’re all fine by the sounds of it, though their egos are in tatters after getting taken down by one very strong very pretty boy.

I don’t think any of them had expected a couple of tanks to roll in with us today.

I swing my legs over the ledge to the clearing where Dino and Hibari are now playing bull and Matador as Romario frets around them. And I shut my eyes and I listen to our Families little ‘symphony.’ The parts are starting to gel better than they had before. Notes are still missed and at times the melodies still grate against one another as they all try to adapt.

Apart from Hibari at least who is still just a ridiculously mellow flute blasting out our school theme song.

It all still sounds more like improvisational jazz than anything properly structured. But Tsuna, whether or not he knows it, is slowly starting to take the lead.

Tuned in the way I am I can’t help but catch the faint distant notes of a solo violin as small footsteps approach. It plays for a moment before abruptly going smile to again.

I crack open an eye and find Reborn looming (as best he can at his stature) over me. I let my eyes drift shut again, and I **listen.** It’s like tuning a radio. Only the radio is imaginary and lives in my brain. Searching for the frequency that I know is there.

And suddenly it clarifies, overpowering the rest of the music to the point that it is the only melody that I can hear and my own rhythm begins to shift around it.

Hello there.

Want to jam with me?

When I crack my eyes open again Reborn is staring down at me expectantly.

“Ciaossu,” he greets.

“Yo,” I grin back.

“You look inordinately pleased with yourself considering Hibari-kun almost took your head off,” he observes casually as he prods the growing bruise on the side of my face.

I bask like a happy cat in the warm feel of the Sun Flames.

Seriously, magic sunshine might be my favorite thing ever, potential unfortunate side effects be-damned.

“My alignment is chaotic neutral,” I inform him proudly.

“You’re what?” He asks flatly.

“It means crazy random shit like this is my whole thing.”

Reborn laughs a little at that.

“Brat.”

A few yards away Hayato has started to bitch the Cavallone boys back into working order, while Takeshi unknowingly (or maybe knowingly) continues to take seemingly innocent potshots at their egos. I actually think he got a kick out of my summoning spell.

Takeshi doesn’t exactly have the same hang-ups about random acts of violence that Tsuna does.

Though that might have started to wear off considering that Tsuna himself is currently wholeheartedly egging Dino on in his fight against Hibari. I might have accidentally created some discord in his destined spectrum. Oh well, they will get over it eventually.

I glance back up at Reborn who is surveying our surroundings with a contented look on his face.

“So,” I ask, “Do we pass?”

“What do you think?” He asks with genuine curiosity.

“Me?” This is new, “You want me to do our performance review? Why?”

“You have an intriguing talent for synthesizing information. Humor me.”

I blink.

Well alright then.

“Well, since this started Hayato has stopped shoving dynamite into every nook and cranny. He’s actually got a better way of storing and deploying his explosives now.”

When Tsuna had finally gotten a chance to talk to Hayato about his dangerous lack of self-preservation instincts re: wearing bandoliers of dynamite under his clothes and in some cases literally trying to blow himself up. I hadn’t been involved in that particular talk, but whatever Tsuna had said had been enough to get Hayato to rethink his entire set up.

“I hugged him and he CRIED,” Tsuna had told me equal parts mortified and concerned.

“The shit he is putting together is getting way more rad too.” I continue, “Have you seen those capsule things he’s started using? Much more firepower there. He has become a much more powerful wizard than he once was.”

Reborn gives me a somewhat judgmental look as I once again segue into fantasy metaphors. I pointedly ignore it, he was the one who asked after all, and I’m hardly going to start censoring my inner nerd now.

Besides, I think he kinda likes it.

“Ever since you gave Takeshi the ‘Bat of Transmutation’ he has been killing it. When he actually has something to work with that won't break on impact he is boss. His reaction time was already awesome before this, but now he’s gotten like some serious haste going on. And he and Hayato are... I don’t think getting along better is exactly the right word, but they are definitely playing off each other better especially when you get Tsuna in the mix.”

Thinking on Tsuna I can’t help the fond smile from spreading across my face.

“I actually think this has been great for Tsuna. Combat training aside, he was never really into exercise before this, but I think now that he has gotten used to it it’s helped him chill out a bit. Don’t get me wrong he’s still a goofball and a spaz most of the time, but his stamina has definitely increased. And he isn’t freezing up as much when people come at him swinging.”

I laugh, “I’m pretty sure if any of the fucking assholes that bug him at school try now they aren’t going to get very far.”

I glance over at Reborn again to see if he has gotten sick of me talking yet, but he still seems to be listening intently to my pontification. I’m still kind of tuned in to the whole ‘magical musical accompaniment’ thing which means I can’t help but notice that-

As I keep talking his melody has started to speed up a little.

Almost like it’s trying to match my own frantic rhythm.

**A happier song would suit him better.**

“As for Kyoko and Hibari... they are both badasses on the level that us mere mortals cannot hope to match. There were both fucking awesome secret weapons though.”

“And you?” Reborn asks.

“Hmm?”

“You’re not going to conduct your own ‘performance review?’”

“Oh, yeah,” This might be the perfect opportunity to do something I have been trying to do for the better part of a week.

I make myself relax as much as possible under his sharp gaze and lazily grin up at him. And then, as nonchalantly as possible I gently bat the yellow pacifier around his neck, just to make sure that he isn’t paying attention to what I’m doing with my other hand. As soon as I make contact it’s -

**C̴̛̺̱̩̬͂͛͒͜͝͠A̸̧̡͍͔̬̲̰͙͍̠̼̼͖̳͗̂ͅC̸͇̱̃̕ͅȮ̵͓̯̮̪̿̿̍̏͌P̷͚̗̘̦͙̭͍͍̮͔̙̝͓͑͂͝Ḧ̵̳̹̲̭̯͓̯̗͔͓́̍̆̽͊̆̓̈́̈͜Ǫ̸̺̫̲̝͎̲̪͔͙̞̦̝͉̒́̔̽̚N̶̡̛̳͊͆͊̓͊Y̷̙͓̺̹͇͔͙̟͐͋̈́̊̋͒̈́̈͜**

**D̶̢̢͓̞͙̠̹̜͖̟̲͂̏͘͘͝I̸̺͓͚̟͗̊̐͝Ṩ̸͕̟͆̇̍̋̔̎̔͌͌̚S̸̨̧̫͔̝̱͉̹̮̪̟̲̠̓̀̋̓̔O̴̡̱͚̺̥̐͆͜͜N̷͎͚̄̇̌̏Ạ̴̧̮̈́͑̿̄͘̚͠N̸̮͔͛̔̉C̷͚͂̇̒̎͠Ȩ̶̡̺̗̩̮̙̗͖͇̬̪̀̏̉̔̏̂̆͗̾͂̅́̐**

**Ḿ̷̪̹̥̜͐̄̊̈̔̾̉̏̚Ä̴͇̩̺̯́̇̅̌̇͌͋ͅD̸̟̘̘͍̟̹̅̌̄͑͒̀̀̆̄̕Ň̶̙͍̻͍̯̯͌̊͌̑̂́̀͂̾̕̚͝͝E̴̛͔͙̙͓̠̐͂̌̑̏̇͒̒̌̑̿͠S̷͖̈́̒͜Ş̴͖̮͇̹̼̼͔͚͔̘͎̟̱͂͆**

**C̷̭̤͎̣̠͍̰̥O̷̡̧̧̖̥̯̪̮̩̺̘͓͖͋̕͘͝ͅN̸̡̜̜͓̭͉͇̥̱̫̤̈́̿̐̄̋̋͛̂̒̈́̆̑̿̎S̵̢̛̖̤̝̳͕̽̑̔̅͊̍͗̅Ú̶̢̼̩͙͉͚̳̳̥̝̗̜̯̎̾̎̔M̷̮͕͎͉̤̗͚͓̍̇̅̈́̓͛͂͛̈͆͜E̵̬͙̪̮͓͒̐̽̓̏̆̑͗̽̔̇̽͛̚͠C̶͔͕̒͆̓̐̃͗͝Ọ̴̧̝͙͓̞̺͔̈̃̌̈̆̎̉̒͌̃̕̚̚N̵͇͗͠Ṡ̴̗̪͚͖̣̼̜̭̰̙̘̮̻̐̊̍̚Ư̵̧̨̮̰̺̬̼̹̬͖̞̯̅͑̆̚͜͝Ḿ̵̰̬̼̼̮̳͍̖̟̫̹̦͉Ẽ̶̠̼̹̩̤̟̀͝Ç̷̭͍͔͊͛̏̅̓͝Ǫ̸̡͔̖͉̫̲̻͙̣̱̦̼̽͗̋̐̆͆̍̈́̆͊̚͠͠ͅN̵̨̮͙͎̝̅͜S̸̤̗͐͛̌̆̋̾̓͆͠͝͠Ṵ̴̡̧̡̹̯̦̱͙̋̂̃̏̏̕M̴̧̧̙̞͓̻̜̾͑ͅȆ̸̩̣̟̈̒̅̂͆́̿̓̏̚͝**

Leon’s eyes glow.

_~~Child look away~~ _

What?

Did something just happen?

Weird... I thought I heard something...

“Monello,” Reborn grumbles.

After a mental shrug to myself, I announce proudly, “I am a glitter ninja now.”

And then my grin widens to Cheshire Cat proportions as a rain of golden glitter beings to rain down on top of both of us. The twilight breaking through the tree canopy catches the slowly drifting cascade in a particularly aesthetically pleasing way and I am momentarily taken off guard and stare at the lovely sparkly display that I have created.

Ooo, pretty.

Reborn goes stiff as his suit and hat are both covered with glitter. It’s not in a bad way. He’s not angry or upset about it he’s...

If a metaphysical violin ever had the ability to sound incredulous, that would be now.

“Impossible brat.”

I cackle again and graciously take my punishment. As he takes his fedora and aggressively shakes out all the excess glitter over my face.

And for a brief moment before I lose the connection and all of the music goes silent .... his song sounds happier.

* * *

* * *

I was right though.

We passed.

* * *

* * *

Two days later Dino and Romario show up on our doorstep in the middle of breakfast. Mom lets them in happy as can be. I think she is really impressed by Reborn’s super successful, super handsome former student. I think she is even more impressed that he had hit it off so well with Tsuna and that Tsuna was actually, for once, taking an active interest in a mentor.

I think it helps that Dino is just as hapless as he is.

And they both share a mutual terror of their home tutor.

The looks on their faces when the had seen me and Reborn both covered in glitter had been priceless. They had both started cowering like they thought he was going to snap and kill us all or something.

Honestly, they’re such wusses.

I wasn’t actually paying much attention to what they were saying me and Lambo have created a game where we will point at random things around the house and say what they are in Italian or Japanese. It’s helping us both out with our vocabulary practice.

And Lambo is loving the piggy-back-ride. He especially likes it when I go sliding down the banister with him on my shoulders.

I don’t really click into the fact that this is an important conversation until I hear Tsuna say, “You’re going back to Italy?”

I poke my head into the kitchen at that point to stare at them.

“I do have a business to take care of back home,” Dino says with a grin as he ruffles Tsuna’s hair. “But I have had fun getting to know my new little brothers.”

“Is there something the matter Dame-Dino?” Reborn asks, apparently picking up on something in his ex-students expression.

Dino trades a somewhat telling look with Romario before turning back to Reborn and Tsuna, “Not really. Paula said she caught someone snooping around on the compound. I need to go back and make sure that everything is in place.”

“So your not going to be sticking around for the ‘Festival of Impending Doom?” I cut in.

The sentence has the intended effect of making all of our foreign compatriots, including Reborn, pause and slowly turn toward me. It’s Lambo who actually voices the pressing question though. He prods my head and asks, “Doom?”

Tsuna makes a face, “I forgot that was coming up.”

“Yeah, things have been kinda crazy what with assassins and impromptu battle camp. But we cannot forget the important things like the ‘Festival of Impending Doom’ and all of the wonderful memories that it has given us over the years.”

“I think I am mishearing something,” Dino says slowly as he looks from me to Tsuna in confusion.

“What’s that Dino-kun?” Mom asks as she sweeps back through the kitchen with a basket of newly folded laundry on her hip and a pile of compositions piled on top of that.

“Inari-kun was just mentioning something called...the Festival of Impending Doom?”

“Oh yes, Doom Day is coming up,” She chirps happily, “I’m going to have to go get our masks out of storage. I think I still have some of Papa’s so we should have enough for everyone. We wouldn’t want space demons eating anyone’s souls now do we. Though we will need to get new yukatas for you two, I think you’ve grown again.”

And with that wonderful non-explanation, she continues on her way out of the kitchen and upstairs. The poor folks uninitiated to the strange traditions of Namimori stare after her in mute incomprehension.

Namimori is relatively small and out of the way city. But it is also one with a litany of rich local traditions that often baffle outsiders.

“Space demons?” Reborn repeats giving me an intrigued look.

“I think it all started because of a meteor strike back in the seventh century?”

“And something to do with the annual meteor shower,” Tsuna finishes for me.

“Despite the name, it’s actually pretty fun,” Tsuna adds in, “The city council usually puts on a fair in the city square.”

“I’m sorry that we're going to miss it?” Dino says with a hint of trepidation.

I can’t really blame him for that, not many people associate the word ‘doom’ with anything positive.

“Maybe next year,” I say and slide myself into the chair next to Tsuna. “So about this break-in.”

“Are you sure it’s alright Dino-niisan?” Tsuna asks worriedly, “That crazy lady is still on the loose over there isn’t she.”

I can’t help but give Tsuna a somewhat surprised look at this. I don’t know why though, it’s a stupid oversight on my part not to assume that Tsuna is keenly aware of the person who wants him dead.

... Allegedly.

“I wouldn’t worry too much about Cas. Vongola has her pretty well surrounded now. Even if they can’t get to her directly she’s not going to be starting anything else.”

Which is a very interesting proclamation but not the part that I found the most interesting?

“Cas?” Me and Tsuna speak in stereo as we stare at Dino.

Dino looks instantly uncomfortable under the scrutiny. He averts his eyes and ruffles a hand through the back of his own hair.

“I mean Ms. Della Rosa,” He attempts to divert.

I shoot a look at Reborn to see if his expression gives anything away. It doesn’t if anything he has become more closed off as he gives Dino a hard look.

“You called her ‘Cas’,” Tsuna says.

“Which implies that you know her from more than just this dust-up,” I continue.

“Uhhh,” Dino shoots a desperate look at Romario, who for once does not instantly leap to his boss’s defense. Instead, he just sits there casually stroking Enzio’s back.

“I mean-“ He coughs awkwardly and focuses his gaze at the ceiling (a much less judgemental target, I guess), “Our parents moved in the same social circles so we always ended up at the same parties. And we went to the same school, so we crossed paths a lot even if she is a couple of years ahead of me. And-“

His voice gets a little tighter as he speaks and I start to come to a realization.

“She was getting married to Federico and he was in line to become Vongola Decimo after what happened to Enrico... and we were allies with the Vongola so I was at their engagement party. And the funeral.” He shoots a cautious look at Reborn now, “We were both there.”

“You’re in love with her,” Tsuna breaths.

As he crits on his insight check and tears through all of the sloppy subterfuge in one sentence. When he dials into that Vongola intuition Tsuna really is a sight to behold.

“Wh-what? No, I’m not that’s-“ He lets out a brittle laugh and if I hadn’t been one hundred percent convinced by Tsuna’s assertion I would be now.

“Holy shit you are!”

“Dino,” Reborn’s voice sounds almost sad when he says his former student's name. I don’t think he knew about this.

“Look,” Dino rubs a hand over his face and steadies himself a bit, “I haven’t even spoken to her in over a year. It doesn’t change anything. She is an enemy of Vongola now and in accordance with our alliance she is an enemy of Cavallone too.”

“You should have told me,” Reborn continues.

“What!? NO!” Dino exclaims as his mood abruptly shifts from morose to mortified. “Look I appreciate everything you did to make me into the boss I am today, but there is no way that I was going to be telling all my romantic issues to someone a fraction of my age legendary hitman or not!” He is so red and embarrassed that I almost want to give him a pass.

Lucky for me Reborn feels no such mercy and proceeds to smack him upside the head with Leon in the shape of a mallet. Lambo lets out a peal of delighted laughter as Dino goes crashing to the floor.

“Fratello, look he flew!”

“Yes, yes he did.”

Leon transforms back into a chameleon and scurries back up Reborn’s arm as his human strolls menacingly across the table and looms over Dino who is comically cowering on the floor.

“You’re still way too early to be talking back to me like that Dame-Dino,” Reborn intones with a hint of danger in his voice.

“Hieeee~” Tsuna lets out a quiet whine in both fear and sympathy.

I feel much less sympathy and lean over the table to give him a somewhat threatening grin of my own.

“You okay there Doll-Face?”

This startles Tsuna into action and he wiggles out of his seat and drops down to pull Dino up to a sitting position. He probably has some cartoon stars spinning around in his eyes after that hit.

“Dino-niisan!” He frets.

“Haha~” He laughs, from the head trauma I assume, “Don’t worry Tsuna I’m fine. Weirdly I think that actually helped.”

I take a quick peek over at Romario who is still sitting calmly with the turtle. I get the feeling now that Dino’s right-hand man has been trying to get these dramatic soap opera reveal to happen for a while now. And I get why. This is some pretty relevant information.

It sucks for Dino that it is also extremely personal information. But it is pretty fucking important for us to know that if the chick he has a thing for tries to kill us again he isn’t going to start thinking with his dick and help her do it.

“I’m sorry that this put you in such an uncomfortable position,” Tsuna continues, in a rare moment of emotional maturity.

Dino gives him a soft smile in return and pulls him into a brotherly one-armed hug. “You worry too much for a kid your age. It’s fine. I meant it when I said that I’ve enjoyed getting to know my new little brothers.”

Tsuna’s face forms into a lopsided grin and I let the Goofus duo have their weird little bonding moment on the ground.

After a moment Reborn sighs and shoves his hands into his pockets.

“When is your flight?” He asks Romario.

The man digs into his breast pocket and pulls out a folded sheet of paper and checks their itinerary.

“Take off is at four. But it’s quite a drive to the airport so we should be leaving soon.”

He directs that last bit at his boss, who is still getting all cuddly with my brother on the ground. Dino sighs and levers himself up with a groan.

“This has been such a nice vacation,” he says wistfully, “I’m not looking forward to getting back to my piles of paperwork.”

“Paperwork!?” Tsuna squawks as he pulls himself up after. “Mafia bosses have to do paperwork.”

Dino stares at him stone-faced for a moment before bursting into peels of laughter. I don’t know if that means if he was bullshitting about the paperwork or if he really, really wasn’t. Either way, the look that it puts on Tsuna’s face is absolutely hilarious.

And he doesn’t answer.

He just starts walking to the door still laughing.

We follow after him. Mama taught us good manners, after all, you escort your guests to the door and you wish them safe travels. And if they are your worst enemy you make sure that they take some of the cookies on their way out.

Lucky for Dino, he is not our worst enemy.

“Come back and visit soon ‘Dino-niichan,” I tell him.

“Any parting words of wisdom Inari-kun?” He asks jokingly.

**”Beware of sharks.”**

I say.

And then I blink.

I try to THINK about it and my brain hits a wall of info locked static that feels **wrong.**

What?

“What?” Dino asks giving me a quizzical look, which I hope to God I am not mirroring.

“Beware of sharks,” I repeat, committing to the random glitch that just came out of my mouth.

Dino blinks at me, “I’ll keep that in mind?”

“And, you know, good luck with your soap opera-esque relationship drama.”

“Gah!”

“Thanks for coming here and helping us out Dino-niisan,” Tsuna says sincerely.

This seems to distract from the randomness that I assaulted him with and he refocuses. Tsuna’s innate adorable-ness will defeat my absolute crazy randomness.

“Oh yes, before I forget,” Dino digs around in his pocket and pulls out a small piece of paper and hands it to Tsuna.

“What’s this?” Tsuna asks and I peek over his shoulder.

“Phone number?”

“That’s right,” Dino chirps, “If you need anything or just want to talk to Dino-niisan give me a call.”

“Thanks.”

And with that, our very pretty mafia mentor heads out into the sweltering afternoon.

“Beware of sharks?” Tsuna turns to me and asks.

I sigh, “I don’t know dude, it literally just popped into my head.”

Reborn sighs.

Honestly, I don’t know why anyone is even the least bit surprised when weird shit comes out of my mouth anymore, what with the ‘premonitioning’ and the overt antagonism that I am perpetually rocking.

I’m about to suggest that we all get out of the rapidly increasing heat when I get that ‘being crept on’ feeling again. I twitch and start looking in the sky for signs of an out of place snowy owl flying around.

Nothing there.

“Chicken?”

Lambo tugs incessantly on my hair from his perch on my shoulders.

“Huh?”

“There,” He points, and the three of us follow to find...

“A giant chicken?” Tsuna states slowly.

Or, rather, to be more specific; a person wearing a giant chicken costume. Perched on top of the concrete wall at the end of our street...Who is very overtly watching us through some binoculars? I don’t know how to feel about this very strange turn of events.

They must be boiling in there. It has to be at least forty degrees out here, what kind of crazy person would willingly wander around in that get up in this weather.

“Huh...”

The person finally notices that we are all staring at them.

“HAHI!”

And then we watch as they fall off the wall and very deliberately scurry away.

“What the heck?” Tsuna asks.

“I don’t know....” I say. But there is something oddly familiar about that giant chicken costume wearing weirdo.

I look to Reborn for some guidance, but our resident hitman is apparently already done with all of this and is heading back into the house. To be fair this had all caught him before he had gotten a chance to finish his required three cups of morning coffee.

“And I really don’t care. C’mon Bro-Bro, I’m sure if it’s important it will come and try to kill us eventually.”

Tsuna sighs, “Right.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The training montage is complete and the kids have reached their milestone level up. And Inari keeps running face first into ‘locked’ information that he doesn’t know quite what to deal with. And obsessions that he may or may not realize he has :)
> 
> On another note, I think Namimori is now an eldritch location complete with nonsensical infrastructure, bizarre traditions, a para military operation run by a teenaged delinquent, and a population which seems to just shrug it all off. 
> 
> And you know that something called the ‘Festival of Impending Doom’ is going to be crazy. 
> 
> Thank you all so much for all the wonderful comments and Kudos! They all make me smile so much you have no idea :D 
> 
> As always I love to hear from you all, so let me know: Questions? Comments? Theories?


	16. Cartoon Motion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Strap on your Looney Tunes shoes and get ready for the madness.

In other news, we are currently experiencing the fucking heat death of the universe.

At least that’s what it feels like.

Seriously, I think standing in the center of an active volcano would be more pleasant right now. Namimori’s annual heatwave never lasts long, but it always hits hard and leaves you feeling like you’re trapped in a sauna with a sumo wrestler sitting on your back.

It sucks.

We have all turned to mush from the intensity of the heat. It is suffocating. Our entire household has moved into the living room where the only air conditioner in the house lives.

I think this is the most inactive we have been in the past two months. Mom had been lucky and had caught a ride into town with Nori-san. Apparently, the conductor for the Doom Day stage show had dropped out and she had been asked to take over. Which is totally rad. Mom had promised to return with ice cream and popsicles, but considering rehearsals are taking place in the extremely air-conditioned community theatre I don’t anticipate receiving those tasty icy treats any time soon

Tsuna and Lambo have sprawled as close to the AC as possible which actually means that they are hardly getting hit by the cold air at all.

Being a smart person who understands air currents I slumped across the room from the AC and got the benefit of being hit with moderately cool air. Reborn parked himself next to me, he is the most ‘normally’ dressed down that I have ever seen him.

His jacket and tie have both been haphazardly discarded and thrown into the same pile as mine and Tsuna’s shirts. And his sleeves are rolled up. I don’t know why that last bit gets me, but it does.

Leon has transformed into a small motorized fan and is doing his best to cool down his human. I have myself tilted a little bit so I can sneak some of those extra air currents.

Reborn doesn’t actually look too bothered by the heat. I guess he’s made out of tougher stuff than the rest of us. He’s currently busying himself with disassembling his GLOCK and cleaning each of the individual parts before slotting everything back together.

And don’t get me wrong, it is always super interesting to watch our tutor work but... I need to DO something. Heatwave or no, I can’t just sit around and do nothing.

“Ahhhh~” I vocalize.

Just to break the silence.

Tsuna rolls his eyes back to look at me upside down, “Huh?”

“Boring~” I sing-song.

“It’s a million degrees,” Tsuna groans, “What do you want?”

“I dunno,” I say and tap my knuckles against the hardwood in a staccato rhythm, “We should go outside.”

“You’re crazy,” Tsuna states flatly and slumps back down.

“It beats melting in here.”

“The AC is in here,” He argues back.

Which would have been a valid argument if the power didn’t choose that moment to go out. The AC sputters to a stop and we all stare at it.

“Now it’s not.”

Tsuna gives me an incredulous look.

“Did you-“

“As cool as that would be I don’t have the power to control rolling blackouts.”

Once he notices that the cool air is no longer passing over him Lambo starts to whimper, “TOL-ER-ATE.”

Which only ever leads to one thing.

I only have a moment to brace myself before the purple abomination is pulled from its extra-dimensional pocket and the room is consumed by a cloud of cotton candy pink. There is an intense molten orange light that explodes behind my eyes. This is closely followed by the tearing pain in the center of my brain and the unpleasant taste of off-brand grape cough syrup in my mouth as the world twists and flips in a cyclone of eyes and teeth and malicious laughter.

Fucking OW!

Thanks so much for the migraine. I really needed that on top of the heatstroke.

When I finally manage the blink the orange starbursts out of my eyes I see Lambo. Ten years older Lambo...

Standing in the center of our living room in fancy dinner wear...

Wielding two handfuls of forks in a vaguely threatening way...

Looking extremely manic....

With blood splatters across the collar of his shirt and face...

Well alright then.

This should be fun.

Before I have a chance to make anything resembling a disarming comment, Lambo’s eyes zero in on Reborn. His expression flickers between confusion, recognition, and then finally settle into an increased level of mania.

He stiffly charges over to where the two of us are sitting and shoves the forks forward in a display. I press myself back into the wall to avoid the sharp pointy things. Normally, I would say that there was no way any version of Lambo would be able to hurt us. But this wasn’t a normal version of Lambo.

This is a fun new manic murder mode that I haven’t seen before.

Leon transforms into a baton in Reborn’s grasp as the man himself steps up in a defensive stance. Even though he is pint-sized I feel much better having him in front of me.

“Which of these do I use to declare blood vengeance!?” He demands his voice uncharacteristically shrill.

I blink, “what?”

As Tsuna exclaims, “BLOOD VENGEANCE?!” 

This gives Lambo a momentary pause as he glances over his shoulder at Tsuna.

“No time to explain boss.”

“HIEEEEE!?”

Reborn stares at Lambo in brief consideration before gesturing toward a small fork with curvy prongs.

“The oyster fork,” he states blandly, “Unless you also want to declare war or propose marriage.”

Mafia rules are strange.

“Blood vengeance!” Tsuna repeats in the background sounding more strangled.

I have never really considered the perils of silverware before this moment. But as interesting as that rabbit hole might be, we seem to have more pressing matters to address. And a time limit.

“Or, you know, just come grab future me and I’ll kick anyone’s ass,” I tell him.

The look he gives me is all sorts of complicated.

“He said that he would lock me in a room full of wasps if I interrupt your honeymoon again for anything less than the end of the world,” he tells me looking haunted.

“Wasps!?” Tsuna shrieks, missing out on the more interesting word in that statement.

“Honeymoon!?” I ask gleefully.

Lambo freezes. The forks clatter to the floor as he looms toward me and grasps my shoulders tightly. The intensity in his eyes is a little more than a little unnerving.

But not unnerving enough to deter my curiosity.

“Who-“

“Don’t,” he says and I feel his fingers dig into my shoulders in an almost painful way. This close up I can see a familiar-looking pattern of faded fractal scars that curl around his left eye and disappear beneath his hair.

Behind him, I can see Tsuna quickly pull himself off the floor and getting into a position to lunge and tackle him if he needs to. Out of the corner of my, I see Leon transform into a handgun that Reborn cocks.

I feel so loved right now.

And also terrified.

And also still burning with curiosity.

“But-“

“Don’t create a time paradox!” He continues with an improbable increase in the level of mania in his voice.

“Wha-“

“No, trust me, Back to the Future might have made the hijinks seem cute and fun. But it’s not. It’s more like being teleported to the center of Mount Doom and suddenly having to fight a Tarrasque.”

I just STARE at him.

Dear lord, he’s my Padawan, isn’t he?

Of course, he is.

It’s nice to know that I manage to pass on my crazy randomness to a new generation.

“Cow,” Reborn growls threateningly.

Lambo ‘eeps’ and shoves himself off of me and straightens his hair and sleeves.

“Sorry, sorry,” he says, clearing his throat awkwardly.

He then bends to retrieve the oyster fork from the small pile of silverware on the floor.

“Okay, blood vengeance,” he repeats again. And then he turns to look at Tsuna again and says, “sorry about this boss.”

“What!?” Tsuna shrieks.

Lambo doesn’t answer. Instead, he points animatedly toward the front window, “Why is there a giant chicken outside?”

And then he’s gone in a puff of pink smoke. In his place stands our ‘little’ brother sucking happily on a lollipop. I can’t help but notice that the bottoms of his footsy pajamas are stained red.

The future seems fucking wild...

It must be if there is someone who is crazy enough to marry me.

“Why blood vengeance!?” Tsuna cries to me, Reborn, Lambo, and the uncaring eldritch god that guards the secrets of the multiverse, “Why sorry!?”

“Worry about it in ten years Dame-Tsuna,” Reborn tells him, “You have more important things to deal with.”

He finishes with a motion toward the window and the chicken-themed stalker beyond it. They have perched themselves on the fence across the street and are staring intently into our living-room through the blinds. I don’t know what the point of the chicken getup is but if it’s to be inconspicuous they are failing, horribly.

“Hiieeeee~” Tsuna whines and scuttles away from the window and presses himself up against the wall and out of eyesight. Which is fair, because that chicken thing is terrifying.

“That is unsettling,” I say as I lean closer to the window to get a better look at them.

“Deal with it Dame-Tsuna,” Reborn orders.

“I don’t WANT to,” Tsuna replies emphatically.

“I don’t care.”

The shot rings out and Tsuna roars as he bursts into brilliant orange flames and goes bursting through our front window. You know, considering he was already stripped down to his underwear he is absurdly lucky that he did not just go crashing through a pane of glass in the buff. I’m sure that would make some kind of impression on our chicken stalker but not the one that we are going for I’m pretty sure that if he goes charging at someone butt naked he will for sure get arrested.

Also, the mortification of running around with his dick hanging out would probably kill him.

I watch as he vaults over our fence and rushes at the chicken on the wall. He attempts to tackle them, but the costumed weirdo leaps off at the last moment, dodging out of the way and running off down the street with Tsuna in hot pursuit.

I know that I should follow after them, but I can’t help but stare at the re-broken window.

We just had that fixed.

I glance over at Reborn and quirk an eyebrow at him.

“That contractor is going to kill you,” I snark at him.

He quickly holsters his gun and slides on his suit jacket.

“He can try,” He says before following Tsuna out the broken window and down the street.

I sigh and bend down to scoop up Lambo who is still sucking on his lollipop as he watches the action with vague interest. I don’t really feel comfortable leaving a child unattended in a house during a power outage in a room with broken glass all over the floor.

“C’mon Padawan, let's go make sure the giant chicken doesn’t mess with big brother too much.”

* * *

* * *

I catch up with the action in progress four blocks away.

Our stalker has been unmasked to reveal a half-boiled, extremely sweaty girl wearing the bottom half of of the chicken costume like overalls.

I know this girl.

Or, rather, I ‘remember’ this girl from before.

Haru.

And that is about all the time that I get to process that bit of information before my brain is hit with one of the biggest information downloads that I have gotten in a good long while. The world tilts dangerously to the left and I have to stop moving and brace myself against the nearby concrete wall to keep from falling on my face.

“Fratello?”

“Fine,” I tell Lambo, “Ĭ̷̞͖͕͒’̴̧͈̓̀̌ͅm̴̨̞̤̫̓͋̋ ̴̢̪̭̻̐̄̔̀f̴͓̄̅̅ī̷̧̛̻̦̕n̵̙̊̔̒e̴͖͉͚͂̒̏”

Only, no, I’m not fine.

Because it doesn’t stop this time. It just keeps going, and going, and going. But it’s not going anywhere because it all just keeps hitting against a wall of orange and pain.

I blink.

The world has taken on an oversaturated and badly rotoscoped that seems to glow indigo as the scene before me is overlaid with another that had never happened in a world that never was.

“Fratello!”

There’s nothing there.

T̵̜̳̦̗̩̣̖̰̯̽̉͝͝͝h̶̢̛͎̥̙̣̺̞͈͖̗̘͇͇̞̰̻̟̞̭͇̊͆̿̂̀͋̉̎̆́͆̾͊̐̊̽͋͐̌͂̎̽̃̅̕̚̕͘̕͠͝͝ͅȩ̴̛̤̩̟̗̗̼̺̼̥̦͓͙͕͙̖̞̠̙̖̤̳͚̩̤͖͙̞͂̒͐͛͂́̓͐̈͆͗̆̄̊̓͆͂́̃͐̑̎̃͛̄͘̕͠͝ŗ̸̛̩͕̠̹͚̪͕̉̉͌̊̀̓̓̈́̉̌̅̃̅̎̾̈̈́̌̅̿́̓̅͆̋͆̔̈̊̌̎̀́͘̚̚͝͠͝͝͝ę̵̡̛̛̛̛̹̜̞̹̳͈̝͙̙͇̠̹͙̤̘̰͕͇͚̜̱͙̪̬̦͓̫̬̭̥̺͒̃̃̎̄̀̒̂̀͗̈́̇̄̑́̈͐̎̍́̄͑̈́̃̒̈́͂̆̏̅̂͆͆̂̄͒͑̍̎͐̒͛̈̏͘͘̚͜͝͝ ̸̧̧̭̭͔͖̰̺̺͖̘͚̹̼̦͙͎̯͔̱̝͉̼̘̪̞̓͆͆̋̋͆̍̍͊͒̇̄̓̋̋͠͝ ų̸̖͔͉̫͍̣̱͉̜̰͈̉̍͌̽̋̇̈́͐̽̂̀̑͋̿͋͛̐͋̇̈́͛̋̓͗͂̑͗̈́̉́̑̿͛̽͑͌̆̑̀̀̚̕̚͘̚͝͝͠͠͝͝͝͠s̶̲͎̰̮͔͔̼͕̉̍͘ĕ̷̡̡̢̨̧̡͎͈̮͈͚̮̺̲̤͚͈͓̖̫̰͎͓̮̺̠̙̦͕̬̼̥̫͕̯̳̱̥̮̦̲̲̹̈́̐̏̓̃̍͒̀̑͘͜͜͜ͅͅḑ̵̨̨̧̨̠̺̺̝̲͇͚̩͚͓̱̣̹̳͖͒̈́̌̓̑͂͊̍̏͊̀̃͑̒́̚ͅ ̸̧̢͖̣͓͙̠̙̉͛̃̆͋̄̈́̆̏̂̉̊̐̓̋͆̏͛̀̂̂̌̽̓̉̃̐̔̆͊̏͛̌͊̄͒̉͑̄̋͝ ţ̴̧̧̡̛͎̦̰̺̬̣͇͙̣̲͓̲̼͕̺̬̮̘̥͚̺̬̥̣͔̯̟̼̝̖̙̫̥̲͕̋͗̏̎̈̈́͗́͊́͌̿̃̑̈̇͌͗̈́̈̏̀̓̿̏̅̈́̋̊̄̓́̔̒̋̍̾̔͛̐̎͘̕͘̕͜͠͝͝ͅo̵̢̡̧̨̢͍̟̻̭̻̬͎̟̬̜̖͖̭͔̭͎̝̰̞̖̦̠̰̰͖͇̻͇̳̲̠̠̥͎̦͗̄̇̾̓͐̍̀̒͂̍͐͌̈́̓́͋̂̐́̇̑̓̑̑͑̐͆͐̽̔̿̈͗̅̎̽̀̄̚͘̕̚̚͘͝͝͠͝͠ ̷̧̢̨̙̲͓̟̝̰͇̮͈̹̬̰͖̬͎̼̼͔̈́͒̒͛͋͜ͅ ḇ̷̨̡̢̧̧̢̛̰͚͍̳̜̘̘͎̜̭̼͙͕̞̬̮̣͔͔̻̖͔͓̗̜̳͙͎̞̲̥͖͚̰͉̜̯͍̻̌̑́͗̈́̾̐̃̆͋̂́̽̏̄̀̏̎̑̅͌̀͛̈͛͝ͅͅê̷̗͇̠̗͎̺͓̥͕͋̊̓̀̄́̀̋́̋̑͊͒̏̂̌̍̆͊͐̄͑̋̓͑̄̄̂̀͑̔͂̿̀̔̈́̉̌̀̊̾̉͘͘̚͝͝͝͝͠͝ ̸̨̧͎͚̻͍̳̺̟̯̲̳̤̗̙̮̠̰̞̞̪̝͍̩̻̯͔̥̩͚͓̺̗̟̍͋̉̂̾̋́̑͊̐̌̄̒̈́̄̈́̎̇͛̇̾̎̍͝͝ͅͅ ş̷̢̢̧̧̢̧̡̬̙̣̝͈̦͕͕̦̹̗͕̦͙̜̳̹̿̑́͗̿͗̊̽̑̏̄̔̈́̃̅̿̌̈́̿̌̽̓͐̂͑̊̃̊̈́̐̂̆̅̆̇̅̊̕̕͠ͅo̸̡̨̨̧̤͈̱̦͕̞̫̜̮͙̲̥͈̫͎̥͉̹̙̞̬̣̺̫̯̤̘͔̩̩̰̘̪̿͌̆̌̈́̈́̅̉́́̃̐̔̄̋͌͊̈́̄̀̉̍̽͛̏͝m̷̧̡̢͖̟̞͔͈̜̼̜̝̙͖̼̘͕̰̻̺͎̬̹̲͎̘͕̻̭̖̗͍̺̘̥̳̲͎͔̹̼̳̩̩̦̗̩̭̎͛̅̅͐̔͋̐̊̀͒͊̄͋̑́́̃̿́͋͐̓̓̋͒͐͋̎̉͒͑́̿̊́̉̓̑̌̄̆̍́͘̕̕̚͜͝͝͝ͅͅͅͅè̶̢̡̨̡̢̛̥̗̯̣̼̣̟̖̹͇̝̭̜͔̰̹͕̣̪͚͍̰͉͚͈̠̬̩̳̬̞̞͔̳̻̫̟͉̘̦̼̎̿͑̐̋͗̈́̍̊̑̌͜͝ͅt̷̙̭̱̲͍̫̩̜̬̹̂̾͒̂͜h̵̡̡̢̡̛̠͔͓̘̜̪͓̠͉̣͍̤̜̺͈̠̟̟̤̲̹̠̤̭͔̬̺̮͛̑̆̽̏͂̈̌̌̈́̈́̅͑̿͛́͘͝ͅͅͅͅį̴̧̢̡̛̛̙͙̦̩͇̠̫̭̰̠̳̺͉͖͉̰̰̹̬̹͙̥̜̝̾̈́͐̊́̀̓̾̈́̊̊̂̀́̈́͛͊̽͑̃͐͌̈͌́͊͑͌̉́̏͗͝ņ̵̛̰̙̱͙̘̯̳̝̜͓̗̝͎̲͇͎͈̩̥͓͕̜̞͐͒͊̉́̂̀̾̅̈͂͗̄͛̂͒͊̀͂̀̌̐͂̀̈́̔̈́̚͘͜͜͝͝ͅͅģ̷̡̨̡̛̛͎̪̼̯̥̦͚̣̭̯̞̭͉͉͎̳̰̳̲͎̙̩̳̫̻̤̻̠̳̬̻͓̝̗̜̟̦̣͖̻̘͇̙̟̭̰̈͊̆̓̂͒͐̌̐̾̓͆̐͑̐̈́̍͌͑̔̊̈͗͐̽̀̂̈́͑͋̈́͊͊̎̑̅̑̍̐̌̏͋͐̚̕͘͜͠͠͝͝ͅ ̵̢̨̱̹̬̲̼̪͇͓̳͚̩̘͈̟̠̬̮͈̗̪̖̮̗͎͇̝̝̗̪͇͈̟̹͚̱͇̘̉̄ t̵̨̡̢̡̡̛̛̛̛̳̬̗͚̜̪͍̟̳̘̲͉̜͔̠̠̘̖͙̞͇̬̟͉͖̳̺̲̘̅̅̈̍̾̒́̋̆̿̈̋̅̄̽̄̈́̂͊͋͒̐̈́̀̓̔̾̎̓̌̈́͊̚͝͝͝ͅḩ̵̡͚͔̲̠̯̰̲̱̲͒̑̏͂̿͋̐̂̒͛̈̄̒̓͑̂̅͐̅̐̉̄̃͌̑̋́͋͗͗͐͊͌̄̈́͐̇͐̓̍̔̅͋͗̋͜͜͝͠͝͠ͅȩ̵̨̧̼̺̠̰͔̫͕͓̱̋̈́͜ṛ̷̡̖̤̞́̿̔̾̍̀̂̍̓͛̓̈̅̈́̑͋̈́̃̌͒̀͛̽̕͘͠͝ȩ̵͇͕̱̹̜̱̟̻̥͒̀͗̍̌̒́̌̀̋̔̐̊̈́̋̈̈́̽̌͋̊͂̓̍͊̎̄̋̌͛̑̅̀͌͑̇̃̒̀̊̀̃̇̚̚̚̚͜͠͝͠͠ͅ

“Are you alright young man?”

A gentle hand rests on my shoulder and I look up into the concerned face of a silver-haired man with glasses.

“Yeah, I’m good, I’m okay,” I tell him with a grin and try to shrug off the random migraine that had come out of fucking nowhere.

Yuck, this heat must be getting to me more than I thought.

“Good,” He smiles, “You should be more careful when exerting yourself like that.”

I scratch the back of my head sheepishly, “That was pretty dumb, but I was trying to keep up with those guys.”

I gesture over to Tsuna and Haru who are now chasing each other around a lamp post arguing about something. I should probably get over there and intervene before one of them actually does pass out.

“I’m glad to see your doing better,” he says as he removes his hand from my shoulder and tucks them into the sleeves of his forest green yukata.

He’s actually kinda cute now that I’ve got a good look at him.

“Your brother seems to be doing well too,” he looks over to were Tsuna is trying to help Haru up off the ground while she yells at him for being a creep.

“I should probably go help him,” I say and look up at him again. “Thanks for stopping to check in on me mister.”

He gives a little half-bow before turning to walk back down the street, “It was no trouble. I hope you children have fun at the festival this weekend.”

“Uh, you too.”

And then he vanishes around a corner.

Weird guy.

But I guess it's nice to know that we aren’t the only concerned citizens around.

“BWAHAHA!” Lambo laughs and points to where Haru has taken the top of the chicken costume and slammed it over Tsuna’s head, “Dame-Tsuna is funny.”

She then starts taking wild swings at him, which by the grace of Dying Will intuition he is able to dodge even blinded by a costume. She’s gesturing wildly toward Reborn who is seated on top of the wall with his gun in hand and a smirk on his face. He is enjoying this random bout of chaos at Tsuna’s expense.

I wonder what Tsuna said to set her off so badly.

I mean, considering she was creeping on us I’m pretty sure she doesn’t really have a leg to stand on as far as situational outrage goes. But then Tsuna has a talent for putting his foot in his mouth at the worst possible moments. Usually completely unintentionally.

Tsuna pulls the chicken head off himself, and Haru smacks him hard across the face.

And that is just about enough of that.

“Oi, fucking stop it, you crazy weirdo!” I yell and pull her off of him.

“What have you been teaching this sweet innocent child!?” She shrieks at Tsuna as she tries to burst out of my grasp.

I freeze and slowly turn to stare up at Reborn.

In what universe...

You know what, no, I’m not even going to try to perform the mental gymnastics needed to suss out the root of that tragic bit of misinformation.

Reborn still looks amused, but also sort of low key irritated at being downgraded so dramatically.

“Who are you talking about!?” Tsuna demands.

“Reborn-chan of course!” Haru screams back with a finger pointed up at Reborn, “What kind irresponsible older brother would give a baby such violent toys and teach him about crime!”

“HE’S NOT MY LITTLE BROTHER!”

Haru pauses.

“Your son?”

“WHAT?!” Tsuna shrieks in terror, “NO!”

“Why would you even THINK that?” I can’t help but join in.

“So you have been corrupting someone else’s child?” Haru continues, completely ignoring logic and reason. “That’s even worse!”

I have to struggle to keep a hold on Haru as she turns to look up at Reborn and beseeches him dramatically; “Come with me Reborn-chan, Haru will protect you from this terrible boy.”

“That wouldn’t work, It’s my job as his home tutor to raise him into a great mafia boss,” Reborn replies, adding gasoline to this already out of control fire.

Haru makes another lunge toward Tsuna, “Your AWFUL for making a baby believe such evil things!”

Fuck this.

I have had just about enough of her screaming at Tsuna about how terrible he is.

I spin us around so that I’m in between her and Tsuna and I shove her away from me.

“That’s rude you don’t even know him,” I tell her.

Potential future bonds of friendship aside, I have never, and will never, be able to abide people smacking my brother around. Physically, verbally, or otherwise.

“I don’t have to! I can tell that he is a terrible influence,” She rages back at me, “Babies are sweet innocent creatures that need to be nurtured and protected not taught about a life of crime and violence!”

And then her eyes focus in on Lambo who is still clinging to my head like a koala and she glares at me.

“And that is not the proper way to carry a child you’re going to hurt him like that,” and then because this is the weirdness of my life, “Is that BLOOD ON HIS FEET!?”

Her finger waves in my face. Like she expects me to apologize or something.

“Of fuck off with that,” I snap.

“HA-HI!”

“You don’t really have a leg to stand on here what with all the creepy stalking you were doing. For all we know your some kind of pervert with a child fetish!”

“Pervert!?” She takes a shocked step back from us wide-eyed and blinking. “I’m not a pervert,” She howls in outrage, “I’m a girl.”

“The two things aren’t mutually exclusive, idiot!”

I get the feeling that this conversation is going to devolve into something very unpleasant very soon. Just judging by how pissed she already is and how rapidly my own irritation is escalating.

Tsuna grabs the collar of my shirt and drags me back behind him.

Which is a new and interesting turn of events. I guess he is really sticking to that older brotherly pledge that he had made the other day.

“He’s right,” Tsuna says in a calm, collected, and authoritative tone of voice. Leagues away from the panic he was in moments ago.

I rock back onto my heels and let him take the lead on this one.

“You don’t know anything about us, and we don’t know anything about you either. So don’t go accusing people of things if you don’t have any evidence to back it up.” He starts to fidget awkwardly as the Dying Will magic wears off and the seal slides back into place. “And, uh, besides... Reborn came to us a crazy baby. I had nothing to do with that...”

I resist the urge to smack myself in the face at that.

So close and yet so far from that moment of realization. I’ll give him a pass this time because the majority of that speech was actually really cool. Even Reborn is giving him a vague look of approval from his perch up on the wall.

Haru gives us both this adorably pissed off look with her face flushed and her cheeks puffed out. She looks like a pissed off chipmunk. She takes two stomps forward and picks up the top of the chicken costume from the ground next to Tsuna.

“I’ll prove you’re a couple of rotten apples,” she huffs before shimmying back into the chicken costume and storming away.

We all just stare after her.

“Why would she put that back on,” I wonder aloud, “It’s still a million degrees out.”

“That’s not really the issue here Inari,” Tsuna wails as he drops to the ground and curls around his knees in comical misery.

“I suppose not... I missed most of that anyway so I feel a little justified in asking ‘what the fuck was that all about?”

“Her name is Haru,” Tsuna answer is muffled by his knees. “I think she’s in love with Reborn or something? Or wants to save him from a life of crime? It was all really confusing.”

“And now she has declared herself your mortal nemesis,” I say wryly.

Vengeance seems to be a theme today.

“AND THAT TOO!”

“Being able to deal with hostile parties is an important skill for a mafia boss Dame-Tsuna,” Reborn adds in to needle him more.

“How many mafia bosses have to negotiate with crazy people in chicken costumes!?” He demands.

“At least three.”

Tsuna doesn’t even bother replying to this, he just curled in on himself tighter. I don’t know where the original timeline pulled a lion from, Tsuna’s spirit animal is totally an armadillo.

Poor Tsuna, we haven’t even scratched the bottom of the barrel when it comes to the kind of colourful characters that we are going to have scuffles with. Haru is mild compared to Mukuro...

Who is also still a problem that we are going to have to deal with sooner than later. Because somehow I doubt he has suddenly lost interest.

I reach down and start to tug Tsuna up to his feet.

“We’re T-minus five days until the Festival of Impending Doom. Weird shit like this always starts to happen around this time of year.”

Tsuna groans loudly and continues trying to turn himself into a singularity and exit the universe.

“Really?” Reborn asks curiously.

Suddenly, I am super hyped. Because Reborn doesn’t ‘know’ about the festival. He knows of the FESTIVAL OF IMPENDING DOOM now only because we have been chatting about it so much. But he has never experienced the chaotic randomness that this three-day event brings.

“Man, you should have been here a couple of years ago when the Cult of Saint Bernard got started up. That was about the height of Doom Day madness.”

He gives and interested ‘hum’ and I make a mental note to find some old news footage from back then.

“That was the worst,” Tsuna bemoans with a shudder.

And he only says that because he wasn’t with me and Takeshi when the crazy camp guide tried to kill us both and awaken the ‘fury of the mountain god.’

“Yeah, it was great,” I laugh and haul him back to his feet.

“C’mon Bro-Bro, the powers still out so we might as well make the best of this rare summer opportunity and get some ice cream while there’s a blackout sale going on.”

I start dragging him down the road toward Main Street and the market district. We might even be able to get some glimpses of festival preparations. That should be in full swing right now, heatwave, or no heatwave.

“Fratello, I want ice cream too!” Lambo squeals excitedly, directly into my ear, and starts tugging on the back of my hair.

“Yes, yes.”

I glance up at Reborn, who is keeping pace with us as he trots along the wall.

“I always though Dream Cream was kind of a dirty name for an ice cream parlor,” I tell him conversationally, “But they make some fucking delicious ice cream flavors including espresso and java chip.”

Just in case we haven’t one hundred percent sold him on this impromptu outing for frozen treats.

And because, hey, we have to start expanding that list of ‘earthly pleasures’ somewhere and ice cream seems like an easy enough place to start.

I see the smirk curling at the sides of his mouth, “Are you buying Monello?”

I grin back at him, “What? Did you forget your wallet at home?”

Lambo has apparently decided that I make an insufficient steed and has taken my momentary distraction, and Tsuna’s proximity, to jump ship. He lands on Tsuna’s shoulders with a cry of ‘ICE CREAM!’ And starts spurring him on faster into town.

“Didn’t you hear with the nice young lady said?” He asks with a heaping helping of self-deprecating humour. “I’m a sweet innocent baby that can’t possibly take care of himself in this big dangerous world.”

Reborn is making light of it but...

It does bother him.

I already knew it, but this is about as close to admitting that it bothers him that he’s ever come. With me at least. I’m sure that there are other people out there somewhere that he has talked to.

I hope.

My pace slows and I watch him.

That pain in my head is still thrumming away. And it’s made worse when I try to think about the Arcobaleno curse. It’s one of the big locked doors in my head.

It’s getting to the point that it's like picking at a scab. And I have to keep reminding myself to knock it off. We’ll get there when we get there. Stop trying to jump the gun.

I have to wait for Tsuna to catch up. Catch on. That’s still months from now... if we're following anything resembling the ‘canon’ timeline at all any more. Even if we’re not I need to wait for Tsuna because this is his story.

...

But it’s not a story.

It’s life.

It’s my life.

And right at this moment, it is about how my life has started to intersect with this other person's life and... I care way too much about this to let it fall apart because I’m trying to follow a script from Earth-Prime.

“Bullshit.”

I say it without looking at Reborn. I don’t need to know his reaction. I can hear it in the sudden screech of violin strings.

And he stops.

He just stops and stares at me. As if I had just said something profound.

I didn’t say anything at all. I haven’t given anything away. It’s one word, and a watered-down cuss word at that. It’s no different than any of the other random shit that has come pouring out of my mouth recently.

It’s not like I said: “Hey, sorry that you're trapped in this body that is obviously not your body, and people seem to be constantly questioning your ability and personal agency. Or treating it like some sort of funny joke. It really seems like you got the raw end of this whole curse deal.... “

Because I don’t know any of that.

When you get down to it, I really don’t know anything.

I know words and concepts.

I know that I don’t belong here.

I know that I don’t give a flying fuck if that is true or not.

“Inari,” He says my name and he sounds all sorts of freaked out and lost.

It doesn’t suit him at all.

T̸h̴i̸s̴ ̶m̶a̸n̴ ̶w̶a̵s̸n̵’̷t̵ ̵m̶a̴d̵e̷ ̸f̸o̸r̶ ̵a̵ ̵d̸u̴l̷l̴ ̶g̴r̴e̸y̷ ̴s̵k̶y̶.̴

“What?”

That stupid migraine is back. It feels like someone is driving a hot iron poker through the center of my skull. It’s starting to get irritating now. I really must have overdone it. My vision is full of orange and black spots that just seem to keep bursting.

Reborn is giving me a weird look.

I grin and hit a rhythm at him, “C’mon man if we don’t hurry up all that’s going to be left is lukewarm sugar slush and that’s just disappointing.”

The look turns into something a little more worried as he stares at me. I feel like I’m missing something. There's strange turbulence in his melody that is taking its sweet time to resolve.

“And another thing,” I continue relying on my tried and true method of yammering until the world makes sense again to guide us both through whatever the fuck this is. “Why should I have to pay? You’re the one with a job and a salary dude if anything you should be treating me.”

I leave that with a cocked hip and a cheeky grin.

Reborn is quiet for a long moment before he hops down from the wall and lands heavily on my shoulder.

“Is that how this works,” he asks slyly.

I almost can’t repress my sigh of relief. I don’t know how much longer I could have withstood that lengthily perception check (or whatever the heck that was).

“Well yeah,” I say as I start following after Tsuna and Lambo, “I’m here to provide color commentary and witty antagonisms for entertainment.”

“You think highly of your own company Monello,” Reborn teases and I feel his melody settle and I tune out of his frequency.

“Damn right I do. I’m a fucking delight.”

He chuckles, “I don’t know Monello you may have to earn a treat~”

“Name your trial overlord.”

“Vocabulary quiz,” is his immediate response.

“Really?” I ask with a blink of surprise. I was expecting something a little more physically taxing.

“ You’re going to have to learn fast if you want to keep up with me,” He challenges.

My eyes narrow, and I smile all teeth.

“Bring it on man.”

* * *

* * *

No, I did not score the required 110% on the Italian vocab quiz that would have unlocked ‘Reborn buys me ice cream.’ I have a good ear, but I do not have the memorization abilities to recall every word in that thirty-eight-page document and all of their Japanese translations.

You better believe that I will next time though.

It’s fine for now though. Besides, Himawari-san always gives me and Tsuna a discount when we come by. And combined with the impromptu blackout sale the literal bowl fulls of ice cream are basically free.

We had also picked up an extra party member for this little expedition too.

I don’t know were Tsuna and Lambo kidnapped Hayato from during their mad dash down here, but it’s cool. He looks just as done with this heat as the rest of us are.

When I settle into the booth with our ice cream I also notice that Hayato has collected a pile of pamphlets and brochures advertising the festival. And not the normal ones, no, Hayato is flipping through the conspiracy theorist ones about aliens with this excited grin on his face.

“- sounds like a creature made of radiation from the accounts that were recorded at the time,” I catch him rambling to Tsuna about the very first Dooms Day centuries ago.

This is the happiest that we have seen him since we met. And it's all because of ALIENS. He is such a nerd, its awesome.

“- I can’t believe that this city has an entire festival dedicated to an extraterrestrial event,” He is smiling and Tsuna is smiling from the contagious excitement.

“Sort of,” Tsuna says, still smiling as he looks over at me, “There is something religious about it too, right?”

“Not really, other than the priest who first declared it ‘Doom Day,’” I tell them as I help Lambo add a mountain of sprinkles on to his mountain of ice cream. “It basically is the space demon festival.”

If possible Hayato gets even more excited and starts rambling on more and more.

“So you really like this alien stuff huh?” I ask teasingly.

Hayato immediately stops talking and goes brick fucking red and makes an intriguing choking sound. Stuttering and stammering with the Namimori Observatory clutched in his hands.

A closet nerd then.

I don’t know why it would bother him. All he really needs to do is ask around town and he would find out that at least eighty percent of what is written in those local conspiracy brochures are proven facts.

Namimori is an interesting place to grow up.

Whatever, I still owe him back for laughing at my ill-conceived crush on the barbarian.

“The festival is a lot of fun,” Tsuna says, jumping to Hayato’s rescue and ending the awkward silence. “There’s music, food, dancing, rides, and a test of courage and funhouse in old town by the shrines.”

Tsuna goes on listing all of the festival activities, his own excitement starting to build. I think he’s always wanted a group of friends to hand out with during things like this. I mean other than me.

Now he has this group of crazy assholes and mafia professionals following him around.

And a girlfriend that can kick all of our assess with one hand tied behind her back.

On that point...

“Did you invite Kyoko to the festival yet?” I turn my teasing on to him with a suggestive waggle of my eyebrows.

Tsuna’s ears turn red and it's his turn to get caught in a stutter. However, rather than dignify my very important question with a response he passive-aggressively starts shoveling ice cream into his mouth.

“I mean she is your girlfriend now,” I continue with my good-natured ribbing, ignoring the unimpressed look Hayato is giving me.

He can stuff his objections about me teasing the ‘boss.’ Tsuna is my brother and it is my brotherly duty to tease him mercilessly about his blooming romance.

And also I would feel much safer with the sparkling paladin attending Dooms Day with us.

Tsuna makes an adorable squeaking noise and gets this doe-eyed and drooly look.

“Girlfriend~” He sighs happily and drifts off into imagination land.

He is so elated feels amazing just being around it. Like a contact high with happy Bossa Nova Jazz beats. It’s relaxing and uplifting all at once. And from the look on Hayato’s face, he feels it too. In an instant, all of our edges are smoothed out in happy harmony.

It’s so easy to get swept up in his melody when he’s like this.

I know I’ve said it before, but someone should really figure how to bottle this stuff and sell it.

Or box it up.

I reach across the table and snap my fingers in front of his face to snap him out of his daze.

“Alright lover boy you’re starting to drool all over the table.”

“A good Don needs to have perfect table manners at all times,” Reborn says, joining in on the teasing. “Maybe I should run you through the Vongola Etiquette Gauntlet before you embarrass yourself.”

Or he might be completely serious.

Tsuna yelps and starts chanting; “No, no more crazy mafia training. Too many weird things have already happened today.”

“That might actually be a good idea,” I cut in, thinking back to today's time traveler interaction. “Since apparently there is a fork that means your declaring war and another that means your proposing marriage.”

“It’s the same fork,” Hayato grumbles and makes a face, “It all depends on the placement of the ring finger and how you point it.”

“Well, that’s nice and confusing and will defiantly come and bite you in the ass at some point in the future,” I tell Tsuna.

He whines and tries to drown himself in the bowl of now soupy ice cream.

I giggle manically as a scene starts to form in my mind's eye, “It will be fun to watch Kyoko declare blood vengeance against the allied boss that you’ve accidentally propositioned.”

An instant later I am beamed in the face with a fist full of sprinkles. Tsuna just glares at me from across the table.

“Don’t even joke about that.”

“Joke about what?” Takeshi asks, coming out of nowhere and half tackling me into the booth.

I swear, he is basically an excited puppy that was accidentally transformed into a human shape.

“Takeshi, dude, I love you too but I can’t fucking breath,” I gasp into the plush seating and try to wiggle out from under him.

“Oops,” He laughs and pulls himself up and off of me.

“How did you find us Takeshi-kun?” Tsuna asks.

“I thought I heard your voice Tsuna,” He smiles and picks up my spoon and starts eating my ice cream, jerk. “So I thought that I would come and stop in.”

He makes a face at the extremely sugary and caffeinated monstrosity that he has just put in his mouth.

“Yukimura-sensei’s office is just down the street so it’s not like I had to go very far.”

Oh, yeah, Monday is therapy day, isn’t it?

I give him a quick appraising look. No red eyes this time which is a good sign. Last week they had unloaded some pretty heavy stuff I think and Takeshi had spent most of our forest training session with puffy eyes.

I shimmy up the booth and reposition myself with my back against the wall and my feet resting in his lap. Takeshi is a cuddly guy, and he gets particularly touchy-feely when he is emotionally charged. And while I don’t particularly mind being caught in his monster hugs I would rather not risk getting crushed even more than I already have been.

I’ll redirect him to Hayato or Tsuna. Share the love and all that.

“We were just talking festival details and the eccentricities of mafia marriage proposals,” I tell him in a quick summation.

I watch as Takeshi stares at Tsuna and a look of confusion breaks across his face.

“Isn’t it a little fast for you to be asking Sasagawa to marry you?” He asks guilelessly.

“HIEEEE!??? WHAT!? NO!” Tsuna immediately flails.

Somehow he manages to smack himself in the face with his spoon. He stops flailing to press against the sore spot with a whimper.

“Owwww~”

“You okay Bro-Bro?”

“Fine,” He warbles, “Just fine. It’s been a day.”

Hayato is absolutely glare line daggers across the table at Takeshi.

“Don’t take liberties with Tsuna-sama, baseball idiot,” Hayato hisses.

A competitive smirk forms across Takeshi’s face. I sigh and settle in for whatever this latest installment of red versus blue will bring.

“Are you still on that Haya-kun~” He antagonizes in his usual friendly way, “Tsuna doesn’t mind. Do you Tsuna?”

“Oh, uh, no?” Tsuna says.

“Who are you calling Haya-kun?” Hayato asks darkly.

Takeshi smirks and reaches across the table to steal a spoonful of Hayato’s strawberry ice cream.

“You of course buddy,” He says and shoves the stolen treat into his mouth.

Hayato hisses like a vampire exposed to sunlight and launches himself across the table in a mad attempt to strangle our swordsman. Me and Tsuna both lean out of the way to avoid being drawn into the rumble and ruckus. Lambo cheers at the sudden entertainment, and next to me Reborn looks terribly amused.

“They’re still a work in progress,” I comment with a wry grin.

“They’ll need to get over it sooner than later,” Reborn murmurs back, as we watch Tsuna get drug into the cyclone.

“And I’m sure you have some sort of mafia themed trial that will bring them closer together,” I snark back.

He pointedly does not answer. The brim of the fedora dips down to hide the conniving grin.

The action goes on for a while more and the table bumps and shakes as teenage idiots have an animated ‘dispute’ over it. I see Himawari-san give us an exasperated look from behind the counter.

Normally I would be right in there with them, but my persistent migraine hasn’t completely gone away yet and so, I just sit by and watch. Until Tsuna manages to wind himself around Hayato and pulls them both down on to the floor in a tangle of limbs. Effectively ending the confrontation.

“You guys okay?”

“Fine,” Is Tsuna’s muffled response.

“Hey,” Takeshi leans over and murmurs at me, “That guy has been watching our table for a while.”

The sudden seriousness in his voice and the sharpness in his eyes immediately has me on edge. And I get that he is going for covert operations and attempting to keep a low profile as he points out our new creeper. Only, he decided to tell me and my ability to keep a low profile is severely limited by the fact that I am a flashy fucking idiot.

And Takeshi should really know better by now.

I immediately clamber over him to get a better look at this ‘Mysterious Watcher.’ Takeshi whimpers as my knee collides with an unfortunately tender place in an accidental critical hit on a party member.

Sorry man. But seriously, you should know me better than this now.

“WHERE?!” I demand drawing the attention of the entire parlor to myself.

“By the window, “ he wheezes in pain.

I whip my head around to the windows and see...

A very, very old and odd-looking man dressed in tweed with an ancient Polaroid camera hanging around his neck.

My first thought is: I don’t know this person.

My second thought is: Why would a sane person wear that much tweed in this heat?

My third thought is: That man’s face is LITERALLY MELTING.

And then I blink and see that trippy fucking indigo rotoscoping effect all over this person. I’m hit with the sudden debilitating feeling of vertigo and I tip of Takeshi’s lap and face plant onto the floor.

When Haru had pledged herself as our moral foe I didn’t think she would be returning so immediately.

“You do realize that this is the definition of stalking right?” I demand and point a somewhat shaky finger in her general direction.

It’s a little hard to tell what with how dizzying looking at this illusion is.

There is a brief squeak of ‘HA-HI!’ Before Haru clears her throat and begins speaking in a very badly modulated ‘man’ voice.

“You shouldn’t go pointing fingers at people that is a very rude thing to do young man.”

“IT’S YOU AGAIN!” Tsuna bursts out and joins me in my rude finger-pointing.

I watch as the seam around the hastily constructed ear prosthetic begins to peel away from the rest of her face. Once that has fallen off the rest of the indigo rotoscoping flickers out.

I think that is actually mist flames. I don’t know if Haru knows that she is casting a super trippy illusion spell. If so, rad. If not, still kind of rad, but also sort of terrifying that she has that kind of innate ability.

It makes sense though. What with her canonical penchant for disguises.

She clears her throat and looks away from us trying to cover the loss of the plasticine ear.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about young man, I have never seen you hooligans before in my life.”

At this point, the fake nose falls off of her face and hits the ground with a gross sounding splat. Because it is still hot as fuck and everything is melting.

Hayato scrambles to his feet and gets into a defensive stance in front of Tsuna, “Who the fuck are you?!” He demands as he reaches into his shirt, “Another one of Della Rosa’s assassins?!”

Which of course sets Takeshi off and has him sliding out of the booth and taking up a position next to his frenemy.

See they can get along if they want to.

“Del who?” Haru asks, forgetting to do the voice.

Hayato is completely ignoring her though, “As if I would believe you. Don’t worry Boss I’ll take this weirdo out for you.”

“TAKE ME OUT!?” Haru shrieks and powers right through both Hayato and Takeshi and starts jabbing her finger aggressively into Tsuna’s chest. “I knew you were terrible! What sort of evil boss tells his subordinate to kill a sweet old man minding his own business!?”

We all stare as the rest of the mask SCHLORPS off of her face in an upsetting way and splatters across the floor.

“I hate to be the one to break it to you, but our perception check has trumped your disguise spell.”

“I have an advantage on deception checks,” she immediately turns and fires back at me.

And then blushes.

“HAHI!”

Well, that settles it. We are definitely keeping her. Tsuna work your crazy friendship magic.

Tsuna is giving her this comically horrified look. I assume because he is intimately familiar with my fantasy RPG metaphors.

“Look I think we got off on the wrong foot here,” Tsuna says in a valiant attempt to pacify Haru. “I think there has been a terrible misunderstanding.”

“So you’re not a mafia crime boss who uses his criminal empire to threaten the elderly and mislead innocent children into a life of crime.”

“NO!” Tsuna yells desperately.

Honestly, only one of those points is even vaguely true. Tsuna must look truly nefarious in Haru vision. He probably has one of those handlebar mustaches and a cape.

Also, I think I might have broken something in my brain.

Logical thought processes don’t seem to be functioning right now.

“Then you’ll have to prove it to me or I’m going to report you to the police!”

“HIEEEEEEEE!”

Haru raises up the ancient Polaroid and presses down on the shutter release filling the room with a blinding white light. When my vision clears Haru is gone.

“Well, that was.... interesting?”

“She is certainly a lively young lady,” Reborn comments as he puts away his randomly acquired sunglasses.

“I’M GOING TO BE ARRESTED!” Tsuna wails mournfully.

Apparently he has forgotten that the police in this city are fucking terrible, thus rendering Haru’s threat null and void. But I’m not going to say that, because I desperately want Tsuna to recruit me a D&D buddy.

“You just have to prove that your harmless Bro-Bro,” I tell him, “It shouldn’t be too hard.”

“She’s crazy I don’t think I can prove anything to her,” He shoots back.

“ Don’t worry Tsuna,” Takeshi consoles him as he pulls him up off the ground, “I think she just wants to be friends.”

“Baseball-idiot, you missed the part were that broad threatened to have the boss thrown in the slammer didn’t you.”

Takeshi just laughs, because he too remembers our fair city’s tragic law enforcement problem.

* * *

* * *

We part ways with Hayato and Takeshi before the sun goes down and make our way back home.

Tsuna keeps jumping at shadows the whole way back. He is convinced that Haru is going to apparate from the darkness and test his moral fiber (or whatever it is that she is planning to do).

When we finally make it home the window has been fixed and the lights are back on the inside, and we are greeted by Mom and the smell of freshly cooked dinner.

Before we go into the house I catch Reborn not so covertly handing an envelope to a heavyset man in a pair of overalls who mutters something that sounds like an entire sentence of swear words in Russian.

I told him that the contractor was going to be pissed.

Reborn flashes the GLOCK at him and the man stammers and scampers like a bunny. 

There is still a dull throbbing pain in my head by time bedtime rolls around. I don’t know what the heck happened today I have never had a headache last this long before. I end up cracking and taking a couple of pain killers before flopping face-first into bed and directly into REM sleep.

And here’s something strange; I don’t usually dream. I don’t really remember the last time that I could recall having a dream. I have nightmares though, though even those are few and far in between.And even then it’s mostly just memories.

Tsuna dreams.

I always like hearing him talk about them. They sound interesting.

I’m dreaming now.

And it’s a peculiar situation because I am fully aware that I am in fact dreaming.

I’m holding Tsuna’s hand as we walk down a hazy street that has been lit with neon lights. Not that we would need a light with the warm orange glow that Tsuna is giving off.

He’s like a lantern in the darkness.

All around us are people in masks who seem perfectly content to go about their own business. Somewhere in the background, I can hear the dim music of the festival and the carnival rides. All around us things are floating, like gravity, forgot how to function.

Everything feels slow and hazy, but strangely pleasant.

I know just as long as I keep holding Tsuna’s hand everything is going to be alright.

It’s important that I don’t let go.

T̶̛̫̳̪̣̜̫͇͙̖̬̤́̍̏̋̓ͅḩ̶̢̻̠͙̝̭̬͖͔̥̙̣͎̮͈̹͖̮̩́͛̐͜ȩ̴̨͚̯͈̤̳͍̬̭͙̺͍̺̦̈́͊̇̅̇͗͜͝͝͝ͅr̸͎͖͉̮͚͉͖̝͈̖̤͓͎̠̠͉̙͓̺͕̞͎̞̥͆̔̂̌̓͛̓̒̈́̏̐̐͠ȩ̷̧̮͓͖̳̱̠̭͖̯̇̽̏̎͋͒̽̇̕ ̷̢̙̬͖͖͙͔͎̳̝̪͊̍̀̀̍͐̓̏͊͠ͅͅÿ̷̹̭͓̱̫͙̣̺̤̙̘͇̭͚̩̝̥̰̥̬̻́̈̀̀͛̈́͌̉́̋̈͑̓͘o̸̧̧͉̝̣̦̠͕̬̞̞͖̱̬̬͙͓̓̿̐͛̓̈́̄̾͜͝ự̷̡̖͈̟̞̜̪͈͎̫͚̗̫̥͙̊͊̍̿̄̽́͌̀̌̌̂́͊̈́͗̽̀̀̀̉͑͘͜͝ͅ ̶̢̢̝͙̥̙̽̂̽̌̌̀̎̏́͘̚͝a̷̡̢̯̋͂̋̊̈́̈̅̕̚͝r̶͕̥͙̞̈́̒̊̎̎̚ë̷̡̨̛̫͈̝͕̻̠͇̤̝̮͖́́̈́͌̌̿͒͂̏̆̈̏̂͐̉̐̉̆̋̊̎̀̊̽̄̆

Something grabs my ankle with unnatural strength and tries to pull me down.

My hand holds tight to Tsuna’s and I feel something trying to wrench him away from me. It takes a Herculean effort to look up and see what is going on.

Hands.

Hands covered in stitches and strange grafts.

Hands with claws.

Hands missing fingers.

And behind them all, there is a set of eyes peering out of the darkness. 

Hands reaching out of the darkness and grabbing at Tsuna and trying to wrench him away from me. They pull and tug and claw and Tsuna goes limp like a rag doll in my grip. The glow that he was giving off before begins to extinguish and drawback to a point at the center of his forehead.

The hands grab tight and start clawing up him reaching for that bead of light on his forehead before it is snuffed out again.

I reach out my hand and send a bolt of lightning into the darkness. The hands abruptly let go and pull back into the darkness.

And all of a sudden the two of us are falling.

Falling.

Falling.

Falling.

**And the only thing above us is the enormous blue moon**.

* * *

* * *

“PINEAPPLES!”

I hit the bedroom floor hard as Tsuna shouts out his absurd word of the day.

“Ow.”

This seems like an inauspicious start.

“Pineapples?” I ask as I pull myself up.

Tsuna gives me a sleepy look.

“Pineapples on the moon,” He says, explaining absolutely nothing at all.

“Sounds like fun,” I tell him as I try to shake the sleep fog out of my head.

That had been a weird dream... nightmare... something?

We must have eaten wayyyyy too much sugar yesterday.

There is the soft sound of feet hitting the desk as Reborn lands. His hair is wild and unkempt and he is still dressed in his polka-dot pajamas.

“You’re finally up at a reasonable hour Dame-Tsuna,” he says with an air of mockery. “We should make good of this rare opportunity and get started early.”

“Started on what?” Tsuna asks with suspicion and an ear-splitting yawn.

“The young lady challenged you,” Reborn says as he turns to face the window, “A Vongola Don never turns his back on a challenge.”

I pull myself up a little more so that I can peek outside over his wild hair. And they're standing on the concrete wall is a Namahage staring intently into our bedroom window.

Or rather a very determined girl dressed in a Namahage costume.

It’s T-Minus four days until the Doom Moon rises.

“Yeah, that seems about right.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Everything is fine here. Nothing weird is happening at all :D
> 
> But, yeah, Inari needs to be careful about what metaphysical wall he wants to slam his head against repeatedly. He has chosen a rather dangerous one that has a Boss standing behind it. But he is still DETERMINED. 
> 
> Once again, thank you so much for all the wonderful comments and kudos :) They make my day, you have no idea. 
> 
> And as always, I love hearing from you so let me know: Questions? Comments? Theories?


	17. When Creepers Attack

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Have you considered your DOOM?

“This seems like a bit of an overreaction on our part,” I comment idly as I cling to Takeshi’s back like a baby koala.

“Is it though?” Hayato asks, his voice a few octaves higher than it should be, “Is it REALLY?”

I take a moment to consider, “Maybe not, but it still feels that way.”

“She followed me into the BATHROOM,” Tsuna interjects sounding even more freaked out by the weird shit in our life than usual.

“She tried to break into our bedroom, she tried to use a butterfly net to kidnap Lambo!” He continues.

And, yes, laid out like that Haru is much more frightening than I ever could have ever thought possible. However, we had also nearly set her on fire on three separate occasions and the Lambo thing was in the midst of a Hayato inspired tantrum.

The bathroom thing and the breaking and entering thing were completely unacceptable though.

“And there was the thing with the goats,” Takeshi adds. Even he doesn’t sound as jovial as he usually does when we're running our Neighbourhood Watch Mafia.

Honestly, I don’t know where our group sits on the alignment chart anymore. But I’m fairly certain that we are all way too violent and crazy to fit into the lawful good category. Tsuna is the best of us and I’m pretty sure that even he can only barely fit into neutral good.

“She also led an uprising of centenarians,” I say as placidly as possible, “Which brings me back to the earlier point of all of this being a little bit of an overreaction. We are willfully adding to the escalation of the insanity at this point.”

“This coming from you?” Takeshi laughs abruptly.

“Yes, exactly, when I’m pulling for de-escalation you know shit has gotten worse,” I shoot back ignoring the pointed looks of disbelief Hayato and Tsuna send over their shoulders as the four of us weave through the crowds of people doing last-minute festival preparations down Main Street.

“She just jumped you dressed up like a fucking water fountain,” Hayato says, “I’m pretty sure she is still following us in that weird-ass fucking get up too.”

Yeah, and that had just about given me a heart attack.

I don’t know if Haru knows what she’s doing with the illusionist stuff. I get the feeling that this is all instinctual on her part. Which is an absolutely terrifying thought considering how thoroughly she masks her presence.

I can’t SEE her unless she willingly breaks her own illusion or it starts falling apart. And I cant HEAR her either. But that second one seems to require me to have at least a general sense of the person that I’m trying to deal with. And I have not a fucking clue what I’m dealing with when it comes to Miura Haru.

We are defiantly dealing with a master of the jump scare.

We might also be dealing with some sort of boogieman offshoot.

We are most defiantly dealing with an obsessive and relentless stalker that is surely plotting our untimely demise.

This is obviously a Doom Moon thing. People have a tendency to go an extra special kind of crazy around this time of year. I am in no way trying to excuse this extremely problematic behavior, but I can say with a fair bit of certainty that there is something extra special insane going on here.

“What is she even trying to prove anymore?” Tsuna hisses as the four of us duck through a row of colorful tents to cut into the market district. “I mean at the beginning she was trying to prove that we aren’t cut out to take care of Reborn and Lambo, but now she’s just...”

He doesn’t finish that sentence.

There are no words to finish that sentence because I don’t even think Haru knows what she’s going for anymore. Beyond thinking that Tsuna is the greatest evil since Lucifer himself. We have engaged in a dangerous game of brinksmanship with an opponent that shows no signs of backing down.

“Quick hide,” Tsuna says as his hyper-intuition seems to ping our stalker. The four of us quickly duck under a float and watch as a bipedal drinking fountain races by.

“It is still a million degrees out I have no idea how she can run around in those outfits and live,” I comment idly.

“Don’t be fucking impressed by that crazy bitch,” Hayato snarls at me and smacks me upside the head.

It takes a little bit of ingenuity to kick him back while I’m still clinging to Takeshi’s back.

“Don’t fucking smack me dick head,” I snap back at him.

We reemerge from under the float and begin to meander our way through the market district where the smell of festival foods are already filling the air. About five minutes pass in silence. I’m briefly enjoying being the tallest person in the group for once as I continue to ride piggyback on Takeshi. And I’m keeping a cautionary lookout for any bipedal drinking fountains running around.

Tsuna lets out an enormous sigh and slumps dramatically.

“This wouldn’t have even been a problem if Reborn had agreed to go play ‘house’ with her or whatever,” he complains.

“Yeah, that was never going to happen in this life,” I tell him as I remember the ‘look’ that Reborn had given Haru as she had baby talked to him with a colorful rattle yesterday. His eye had been twitching soooooo much.

“Whyyyy,” Tsuna whines even more, “It’s not like it would have been hard.”

“No just completely fucking emasculating.”

“He’s a baby what does he care.”

I wrap my legs tighter around Takeshi’s waist so I can lean over and smack Tsuna lightly upside the head.

“Ow! What was that for?!”

“A flawed premise!”

Takeshi bursts out laughing as Tsuna and Hayato let out outraged noises in stereo.

“You’re so angry today.”

“Because this situation has reached critical stupid!”

I look back over at Tsuna who is still grumbling. Not that he doesn’t have a right to grumble in this situation. He most certainly does he has spent the past three days getting harassed by the Cosplay Stalker.

But once again, retaliation didn’t work, avoidance isn’t working, and sending Reborn at her feels more like a last-ditch nuclear option. 

“You do realize that the most likely way that scenario ends is with Haru being very dead right?” Skipping over all that and going straight for the heart of the matter. “And as crazy and uncomfortable as she is I don’t really think you want her dead do you?”

The three of us stare at Tsuna as he pales dramatically, “Hieeeee~”

“Why don’t you just call Sasagawa?” Takeshi asks.

Tsuna stares back at him with an even greater look of horror and dismay, “And say what to her? ‘Hey, Kyoko-chan there is a scary girl stalking me?! She’ll break up with me for sure!”

“Their both girls maybe she can communicate with her telepathically or something Tsuna-sama,” Hayato suggests, and then pauses, “Or they might get into a cat-fight and that would solve everything because Kyoko-san would punch her through a wall.”

“Stop. Now. All of you,” I interject when it actually looks like Doofus and Dingus are actually thinking of going along with Hayato’s brain dead plan. Seriously, I don’t know why they seem to think girls are some sort of terrifying alien species.

Tsuna is so fucking lucking Kyoko is into him.

And has thus far managed to avoid hearing the stupid bullshit that comes out of these idiots mouths sometimes. It’s like they're fourteen or something...

Oh wait.... right...

“We are fucking functional human beings we can have a normal straightforward conversation with Haru on our own,” I continue, “You know solve things peacefully for once.”

  
Takeshi tilts his head to look up at me with concern, “Are you feeling alright Inari?”

“What?” I feel my face flush with outrage, “I can’t be responsible for once.”

“No!” Tsuna immediately says giving me a somewhat horrified look.

“Thanks for that vote of confidence there Bro-Bro,” I say flatly with a roll of my eyes.

“Seriously though from where I’m standing we have two options. One: we talk this out with her and you know explain why stalking is bad and wrong and how this whole thing has been a really weird misunderstanding. Or two: we spend the next three days obsessively avoiding her while trying to enjoy the festival which sounds like just a barrel of laughs.”

“... Who are you?” Hayato asks incredulously as he gives me the most disbelieving look.

“The fucking adult in the room apparently,” I snark back at him, “And just stop and marvel at that.”

“She scared you so bad that you jumped on my back and haven’t let go since,” Takeshi snickers at me.

I glower down at him and pinch the shell of his ear in retaliation. Which is much more in line with my usual character.

And him immediately dropping me on my ass is much more in line with his. Though I probably deserve it considering that I kneed him in the balls the other day.

“Don’t just sit there she’s going to catch up again,” Tsuna calls back to me as the three of them continue to weave through the crowds milling around in the market district and disappear out of sight.

Assholes.

I’m pretty sure this avoidance thing isn’t going to get us anywhere. And someone really needs to have a serious talk to Haru about how stalking is never a good thing. And that using your unfair magical advantage makes it even worse.

Mist flames are probably the most dangerous weapon the universe could have given to a girl with her proclivities.

She is like a bad horror movie trope come to life and then covered with indigo blue neon.

Which has been giving me panic attacks for an entirely different reason that may or may not have something to do with the potential big bad of the story arc and the fact that my terrible English teacher had been an illusionist who had tried to strangle me to death only a few weeks ago.

As quick as I can I pull myself to my feet before some random passerby can step on me. Not that standing does much to help me see through the crowd since apparently I am the shortest person in this mess.

Mom was a lying liar when she had said I’d grown. I don’t think I have grown a millimeter since sixth grade. Where for once brief glorious moment in history I had been taller than both Tsuna and Takeshi. Of course, Takeshi had then decided that he was going to become a giant and Tsuna had overtaken me by that one precious inch.

Which isn’t really important right now when there is a bipedal drinking fountain with a girl’s face trying to hunt down our party. And no matter how I try to rationalize that it’s weird.

My phone buzzes and I take the moment to pull it out and check the new message from the overlord.

Reborn: **Stop dawdling Monello**.

I roll my eyes and shove it back into my pocket.

“Yeah, yeah, yeah,” I mutter with a smile.

I have no idea where Reborn has hidden away. But I know for a fact that he has been watching our progress like a sadistic hawk. I wasn’t lying when I said Haru had attempted to baby talk him the other day. I had seriously thought he was going to snap and shoot her once she had busted out the rattle. 

There is a limit to the oblivious emasculating commentary that he can handle and Haru managed to instantaneously surge straight passed it. She has a talent for making all social interactions painfully uncomfortable. Which is a talent I can respect but not one I want to constantly and consistently be exposed to if I can help it.

I set back on my way through the crowds that are mulling around the soon to be open festival grounds. The actual festivities don’t start until tomorrow night. But there are already a few booths open for business. Mostly food vendors and some carnival games.

I think Tsuna and the guys may have accidentally ditched me in their flight from the psychologically draining illusionist. They probably assumed that I would have been tailing right behind them and not taking my dear sweet time getting up off my ass.

“Now where did those jerks get to?”

I’ll find them eventually.

If not I’ll go climb a building to get a birds-eye view. I haven’t done that in a while. I’m probably out of practice.

I start to meander my way through the crowds of people who are working frantically to finish with festival preparations. Lights are being strung, tents being raised. There are booths with games that passing children are begging their parents to try out.

It all seems so nice and wholesome.

I hope nothing too stupid or violent happens this year.

I’m so distracted by the sights that I don’t notice the bipedal water fountain before it barrels into my back and I fall face-first into the cement.

Ow.

Again.

I swear I usually have better reflexes than this. But then, my balance has been off since our first encounter with the master of disguise and the world went all indigo and rotoscoped. It hasn’t happened again since, which makes me think that it might not have been Haru that had caused it.

But she did cause this.

Her costume weighs a metric ton. How the hell has she been running in this thing.

“Please get the fuck off of me before your spout punctures my spleen,” I wheeze.

“HAHI! Sorry!” Haru exclaims and starts to rock her awkwardly shaped plaster and paper mache prison off of me.

This means that by the time she actually manages to roll herself off of me I feel bruised and half flattened.

“How the hell do you run so fast in these things?” I inquire while giving her an appraising side-eyed look.

“I do weight training for the gymnastics team at school,” Is her complete reasonable and yet somewhat unbelievable answer.

“You must have some serious constitution bonuses to do it in this heat though,” I continue with a prod to the nerd that I know exists under all that excessive stalker.

At this point I am hoping that I might be able to take advantage that the subject of her ‘adoration’ and the subject of her ‘animosity’ are currently elsewhere, and have a normal fucking conversation with her.

And, yes, I am absolutely trying to use my supernatural power of persuasion on her. With god damn D&D metaphors. It might be a long shot but weirder has worked for me in the past.

She stops flopping around like a turtle flipped onto its shell and mumbles something.

“What?”

She looks at me with this somewhat embarrassed yet somewhat hopeful expression and repeats, “I said: I took resilient as a feat back at level one so I have a bonus to CON saves.”

I lever myself up and give her a cockeyed grin, “That seems to have worked out well for you.”

“Yeah....”

The crowd has started to part around us like the Red Sea. Though every so often a festival worker will give us a glare for blocking the path. I think most of the public just assumes that we are rehearsing for some kind of super bizarre play.

‘ATTACK OF THE LIVING FOUNTAINS.’

It would fit right in with the 1982 production of: ‘WHEN BLENDERS STRIKE,’ and the 1992 sequel, ‘WHEN BLENDERS STRIKE BACK.’

Something about the Doom Festival always makes people think their terrible ideas are really, really good. And that’s when things like murder cults and abstract performance art happen.

Grandpa used to say that the Doom Moon just amplifies the crazy in people.

Haru is quiet for a good long moment while I’m busy thinking about the extremely localized consciousness-altering properties of a lunar event. Her head and extremities all abruptly retract into the rectangular costume, like she actually is some kind of weird turtle.

I watch in fascination as her feet break through the bottom of the costume, which is apparently made entirely of wire and plaster and she shimmies the rest of the way out.

“Holy fuck, did you try to entomb yourself in there?” I ask, somewhat horrified and somewhat impressed. That takes some dedication.

“No,” A pause, “Maybe? It seemed like a good idea at the time.”

“Uh-huh, and how many people did you manage to terrify before we happened upon your elaborate disguise?” I ask.

Haru looks away in an extremely sheepish way and does not answer.

“Right then, so out of curiosity are you just about done with this creepy stalker thing?”

She turns back to me with a glare, “Haru is not a creepy stalker,” she huffs, “she is a champion of truth and justice.”

I raise an eyebrow.

“I hate to be the one to break this to you, but you are not the lawful good in this situation, at the very best you are chaotic neutral. You do realize that you have spent the last three days terrifying random strangers in an attempt to do....something? Honestly, I have no idea what you're even going for with this anymore.”

“Says the right-hand man to a nefarious criminal,” Haru shoots back at me in outrage, “You're just trying to get into my head so that I’ll stop trying to save Reborn-chan and Lambo-chan from your evil influences.”

“And just for clarification unleashing a stampede of goats at a children’s playground was going to accomplish that how?”

“It would prove that your boss was an irresponsible caretaker for those poor sweet angels and then Haru would sweep in to save them from his evil ways and rehabilitate them,” she finishes this declaration with a dramatic finger pointed between my eyes.

“You do realize the flaw in your logic right? Just because you think someone else it behaving badly doesn’t give you the right to behave even worse. Someone could have actually gotten hurt there,” I tell her as sternly as I can.

Because I am apparently doing this. 

Fucking hell, when did I become the responsible one? Tsuna better get his ass back here and deal with this protagonist shit. I’m just the comic relief.

“Get out of the road you troublesome kids,” a festival worker holding a clear box of plastic ducks and frogs looks down at us disapprovingly, “your blocking traffic.”

“Just go around us asshole,” I snap, getting more annoyed by the second, “can’t you see we're having serious discourse here? **Just go around**.”

He immediately stiffens and starts walking past us grumbling the entire time about ‘teens today and their relationship problems.’

I resist the urge to smack myself in the face. Somehow, Haru’s very existence seems to cause uncomfortable misunderstandings. What a strange and dangerous power she possesses.

I feel somewhat better to see that Haru looks just as uncomfortable as I feel. She still isn’t trying to dispute my earlier point, so I’m just going to power on and see if this is a wall that I can breakthrough.

“Not that I don’t find you chaotic powers somewhat awe-inspiring. But seriously though you have to chill with the creepy stalker bit.”

“I’m not-“ Haru tries to protest again, but I’ve had just about enough of this.

“You are,” I tell her point-blank, “You ambushed my ‘boss’ in a public washroom yesterday and that isn’t just stalking that crosses the line straight into sexual harassment which is also a crime. And despite what you may think that is true no matter what your gender identity or orientation.”

Haru looks a little green and properly abashed now at least. She isn’t even looking at me anymore. She’s just staring down at her own knees that I can’t help but notice is covered in bruises and scrapes from the inside of that ridiculous costume. Excessive to the point of self-destruction. If we do manage to sort out all this stalking stuff she will fit right in with our crazy group.

She sniffles and I can see the telling red flush spread across her face.

“I j-just wanted to h-help,” she hiccups and then starts BAWLING.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHH~

Tsuna where are you!? I can’t deal with all of this emotional turmoil on my own.

All around us, people are starting to turn and stare at us.

Great now we're a sideshow attraction.

Hey, Universe? Why do you keep sending all these disaster children to me? Don’t you realize that I am the biggest fucking disaster of all?

“You sure picked a weird way to show it, dude,” I tell her.

“And I just wanted to play with the cute babyyyyyyyyyy~”

Oh lord please stop.

“Alright, alright, alright, please stop crying,” I reach over and pat her stiffly on the head as she bursts into full-on waterworks. “It’s not too late to work shit out.”

I almost feel bad.

Almost.

It had to be said. And unfortunately, it had to be said by a dumbfuck like me. But I can’t really let her creepy stalking and abuse of the dark arts go unchallenged.

“I mean it will probably require some epic side-questing and a hell of a persuasion check, and you know, like, **an apology**.”

Haru sniffles again and looks up at me with a red and blotchy face. A fellow ugly crier then.

“You’re not entirely terrible Mr. Right-Hand-Man,” she says.

And I come to the sudden, depressing, realization that, “Idiot, you don’t even know our names do you?”

The way she immediately freezes up and averts her gaze away from me tells me everything I need to know about that.

“I know Reborn-chan, and Lambo-chan’s names,” she says petulantly.

I roll my eyes, “Great, and what about the poor fuckers that you have been using your dark magic to sneak attack these past few days?”

Haru gives me a brief confused look before furrowing her brow in concentration, “Dame-something and...”

“Yeah, no, zero points there,” I chide and flick her lightly between the eyes.

“Ouch!”

“Next time you feel the need to be a goblinoid creeper to ‘make friends’ DON’T. Just introduce yourself like a normal person. It will save us all a lot of grief and prospective lawsuits.”

She glares at me and rubs at her forehead.

“Well I bet that you don’t know my na-“

“You’re Haru,” I say with a wry grin, “You have a habit of transitioning into the third person at random intervals.”

“HA-HI!”

I watch as she starts to fidget with the hem of her shirt. I think the awkwardness of this social encounter is finally starting to get to her too.

“So, um.... What are your names?”

“The guy who you seem to think is the root of all evil in the world is Tsunayoshi,” I tell her.

I’m going to go with his full name here; one, because it sounds somewhat more impressive, and two, there is less of a chance that is will summon up the moniker Dame-Tsuna that seems to follow him everywhere he goes.

Haru blinks at me, “Like the Shogun?”

“Yes, like the Shogun,” I confirm with a sigh.

“And what about you?”

“Inari,” I answer somewhat distractedly as I start to search the crowd again for any sign of my brother and friends.

“LIKE THE GOD?!” Her exclamation is so loud and out of place in this conversation that I almost leap out of my skin.

Again.

Child of the Boogieman. I’m fucking sure of it now.

“No, not like the God,” I retort with all the exasperation that emotionally draining seriously conversations cause. “If you must have context; I was named after my grandfather.”

I start weaving my way through the crowd and she rushes to catch up.

“Your grandpa?”

“Yup,” I’m not really paying attention to her at all anymore. I still haven’t caught sight of my morons which means that I’m probably going to have to make use of the magical radio scanner in my brain.

“... My grannie used to play D&D with someone named Tsukishima Inari,” Haru says out of nowhere and brings me to a screeching halt, “He was nice. Grannie was really sad when he passed away.”

I.....

I don’t......

I’m not sure what expression I have on my face while I stare at her. Shock doesn’t feel right. Neither does disbelief. Of all the people that I might have expected to bring up Grandpa’s name, Haru was near the last on that list.

What are the fucking chances?

And also who is her Grannie? It would have to be Kobayakawa-baachan. Now that I think about it I sense the influence of an affably evil gnome cleric here.

“I remember she told me that something had happened to his grandson,” Haru continues giving me this look with big curious eyes.

And I freeze.

Because I know what she’s going to say.

**You can’t. You couldn’t possibly...**

“She said that he got really sick and then he couldn’t mo-“

**NO**.

“ **As interesting as this segue down the dialogue tree is it really isn’t relevant** ,” I cut her off as quickly as I can, “ **Unless you are trying to infer something, in which case I will kindly ask you to C̵e̴a̷s̴e̵ ̶a̷n̵d̵ ̸d̸e̶s̴i̵s̶t̸ ̸i̸m̷m̷e̴d̴i̷a̸t̷e̶l̸y̴.̷** ̶”

_‘Roll your intimidation check’ Grandpa says, his voice sly and his grin pulling at the crow's nests around his eyes_.

_‘Natural Twenty_.’

I am breathing as deeply and as evenly as I possibly can in a desperate attempt to stave off the panic attack that I can feel growing in my chest.

I can’t have this conversation.

I can’t think about that.

This is done.

Haru stares at me like a deer in the headlights

‘ _It doesn’t count if you’re playing with loaded dice my boy_.’

**It does if I’m on the verge of a complete mental breakdown Grandpa**.

“Sorry,” Haru says, dejected and apologetic all at once.

Apparently she doesn’t realize that I’m currently having a break from reality.

**I need Tsuna.**

**I need to scream.**

**I need to hit something.**

**I need to never think of this again.**

When Haru doesn’t get a response she continues, “you know a lot of words.”

Thankfully changing the subject to something I can deal with.

“Yeah, well, talking is my only consistently useful skill.”

She lets out an awkward nervous giggle at that, “you really are a bard then.”

“And you’re some sort of unholy amalgamation of rogue and sorcerer that I have never encountered before,” I shoot back, desperately trying to grab onto something resembling my equilibrium. “By the way how did you manage to pull off the crazy illusion stuff?”

We’re finally on the move again. And now I have instinctively locked onto Tsuna’s frequency and am following the sound of the trumpet-like a lost sailor follows the North Star.

He sounds a little worried, a little anxious. But the guys seem to be doing a good job of keeping him safe.

“Mostly paper-mache and plaster,” Haru answers as she tries to discreetly rub the last of the tears out of her eyes.

“I got that bit, I mean the magic that you put on top of it to convince people that it’s real.”

She pauses and gives me a strange look, “Inari-san, magic isn’t actually real.”

Well, that answers that at least. Apparently we have another magical fire prodigy on our hands. Only this one is much more problematic than Kyoko.

At least Kyoko wanted to beat the shit out of actual bad guys.

“Oh are you in for a surprise,” I mutter under my breath.

“Did you say something?”

I’m about to answer when I am interrupted by a series of familiar-sounding explosions, and an even more familiar cry of, “HIEEEE!”

And then a much less familiar, “REBORN DO SOMETHING!”

“C’mon,” I say grabbing her by the back of her shirt and dragging her to where I can hear the sounds of a random encounter starting up. “We should go before someone causes massive structural damage to the bridge trying to do something stupid.”

“HA-HI?”

“The world is a strange, strange place full of magical assassins.”

I really hope there is something there I can hit. After all of that stupidly intense serious conversation, I feel the need to indulge in some equally stupid and pointless violence.

* * *

* * *

There’s pointless violence.

Of course, there is pointless violence.

This is my life there is always stupid pointless violence around every corner.

I don’t quite know how things managed to get so wildly out of control on Tsuna’s side of things while I was occupied with Haru. But somehow the guys had managed to run into an important plot point in my absence.

And by plot point, I mean Futa de la Stella.

Futa, unlike some people, is not an ‘unlockable character’ in my brain. I had already known about him before now. Ranking Futa, one of the mafia’s most valuable informants. And, if I remember correctly, the only person on Earth who frequently communes with alien life forms.

There isn’t really any point in me trying to deny the existence of aliens at this point. This kid literally talks to something called the ‘Ranking Planet’ to get his strangely accurate information.

Magic, aliens, ghosts. Until I get hard evidence to the contrary I’m going to go with the theory ‘all myths are true’ in this universe. It seems like the safest bet.

But as certain I am that weird shit exists in this world I am now even more certain that Futa does, in fact, communicate with hyper-intelligent, statistically inclined alien life forms somewhere out there in the deep void of space. Because as soon as I see him I feel that familiar rush of oncoming information, and I brace myself for the mental equivalent of getting hit by a train.

Only it doesn’t come.

Instead a buffer of cool relaxing energy encircles my mind and the ‘knowing’ doesn’t hurt so much this time. And everything slots neatly into place under a mental heading titled Futa de la Stella.

Thank you strange alien presence?

I guess?

There’s no answer. And thank god for that, there is enough shit that goes on inside my head without adding mental communication with aliens to that list. 

“What’s going on?” Haru hisses at me, and I am brought back to the present.

Where Tsuna and the guys seem to be protecting our newest addition to the family from some dumb fucking punks who obviously have no idea who they're dealing with.

Which is stupid, because three of them look extremely familiar.

Ugly face tattoo guy, too many piercings, and bad mohawk.

There are at least a dozen others, but those ones stick out as this is now the third time that we have encountered these particular assholes. The first was when they did a really terrible job of kidnapping me. The second was when they were being subcontracted as an ‘expendable workforce’ for Verde and Kyoko declared vengeance upon them.

They seem to be prone to making terrible life choices.

And also have a tragic case of short term memory loss because Tsuna himself has kicked their heads in himself. And yet they don’t seem to remember that. Though of course according to anime logic underwear is equivalent to a master disguise.

I’m still waiting for the legend of the boxer short vigilante to start spreading around town.

“Hand over the kid and the book and no one has to get hurt,” ugly face tattoo threatens as he repeatedly smacks a crowbar into his hand. Doing his best to look threatening, while confirming that is is, in fact, a kidnapping.

And sort of succeeding... I guess? Random bystanders look plenty intimidated. Tsuna and Futa look about the normal amount of intimidated.

Takeshi and Hayato look just about ready to throw down.

Too bad they are super surrounded and outnumbered.

“At a glance, I’ll say attempted child abduction,” I finally answer Haru as I scan the scene for Reborn. I spot him posted up on top of a nearby food stand with a lime green sniper rifle.

“Tsuna-sama told you fucks to back off,” Hayato snarls as he takes a step forward.

At the same time, Haru shrieks, “CHILD-“ In my ear and in my hear and I have to smack my hand over her mouth so that she doesn’t give away our somewhat strategic position to the actual bad guys.

She does give us away to Reborn though. And from what little I can read from his expression at this distance I’m pretty sure the thought is ‘What are you doing you, idiot?’

Recruitment? Reformation? I honestly have no clue beyond cessation of hostilities between our group and the illusionist stalker...

Who knows one of my most closely guarded secrets thanks to a shared backstory connection. I kind of want to keep an eye on that.

I give Reborn a shrug and turn my attention back to Haru, “Can you try not to give our position away to the enemy?”

She glares at me but thankfully doesn’t start screaming again.

Team Neighbourhood Watch and Team Idiot Gangsters seem to be in the midst of some serious pre-fight dialogue.

“You’re just going to leave this to your criminal boss?” She hisses, “That poor boy is going to be sold into slavery.”

I roll my eyes and give her an unimpressed look, “That kid went to Tsuna for help and I can promise you that he isn’t going to let anything happen to him.”

She doesn’t believe me. That’s fine. I know Tsuna better than anyone else and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that nothing is going to happen to Futa on his watch.

He’s going to protect that kid with his dying will.

One of the goons, the one with the mohawk that looks like it was shoved through a lawnmower, lunges for Tsuna and Futa but is stopped as Hayato sticks out a foot to trip him and Takeshi brings his bat down hard on the back of his head.

“He said he doesn’t want to go with you,” Tsuna says, amplified by the sound of a trumpet call.

I feel a grin pull across my face and I start to move away from Haru to creep toward the action.

“Where are you going!” She whisper-shouts at me.

“I’m going to go do a thing to make sure we get the advantage,” I tell her and continue moving, “Help out of fuck off I don’t really care at this point creeper.”

“What!? Creeper!?”

“Prove me wrong,” I say and duck into a tent full of scarves and bangles and pretty sparkles that I may have to take.

I do a quick check-in my pockets to make sure the glitter is good to go before I quickly pass through the neighbouring two tents and clamber up the side of the food stand that this dramatic standoff is taking place next to.

Showtime.

I clear my throat dramatically to get the attention of the class and slap on my biggest cheekiest smile as I beam down at them.

“ **HEY, YOU WITH THE UGLY FACE TATTOO AND THE EXTREMELY POOR LIFE CHOICES**!” I call down from on high.

Might as well go with a classic for old time sake.

“You!” He shouts and points making sure that all of his cohorts are now looking up at me to. I love it when they play along it makes everything so much easier.

“Yeah me, what the fuck man I thought you went to prison after the ‘Angel of Vengeance’ beat your ass.”

The ones that were present for Kyoko’s first epic display of power pale dramatically. As they should.

“As if a jail cell could hold me.”

“....The police didn’t do your paper work did they.”

“Of course fucking not it’s Namimori.”

Maybe we should just give the power of law enforcement over to Hibari at least then if criminals were left to roam the street they would be legitimately to terrified to pull dumb shit like this.

“You really should start thinking of a better career path though-,” I continue to antagonize as the rest of my party gets into a better position. Hayato pulls out his fun mystery explosives. Takeshi drags his bat through the air in a high-speed blur of blue transforming it into its sharper pointer state. Tsuna picks up Futa and holds him close to his chest, ready to dodge at a moment's notice.

“-This whole criminal subcontracting thing really isn’t working out too well for you dicks.”

“That’s because of you meddling kids!”

“... Did you just use a Scooby-Doo line on me?”

“A what?”

One day I am actually going to have to go through this universes media library so I know what exists and what doesn’t.

“Never mind,” I say jamming my fists into my pockets and grabbing two fist fulls of glitter, “So tell me, have you thought about your DOOM today?”

“Wha-“

I launch the glitter at them and it rains down in a cascade of rainbow-colored sparkles. Half of them flat out laugh at me while the other half start approaching with their makeshift weapons drawn.

**Come into my parlor, said the spider to the flies**.

I snap my fingers and the current is set and lightning surges through the rainbow of sparkles in a burst of green and orange creating a web of pain that freezes a dozen of them in place twitching and shrieking at the sudden low-grade electrocution. That also has the super cool effect of bursting into flames around them which adds to the intimidation factor.

Three explosive charges in colorful capsules roll into the center of the web and detonate sending the lot of them flying off in all directions as Takeshi surges forward with his sword drawn to launch his own attack.

Who knew all of that protect the boss training in the woods would have such immediate real-world applications?

“That attack of yours is much more effective than it has any right to be,” Reborn comments dryly from his perch on the tent next to mine. He still has the sniper rifle poised and ready to go in case Tsuna needs that extra influx of magical adrenaline, but for now, he seems content to let the boys fight it out fisticuffs style.

“I know right?” I reply with a snicker and a flick f glittery fingers in his direction. Below us there are still at least five of them caught up in an ongoing web of electricity.

I think I almost have the charge right now. I do need to look into better quality glitter though.... and a better glitter dispensing system.

“That will teach you fucking pricks for disrespecting Tsuna-sama!” Hayato snarled and delivers a swift kick on one of their asses.

“You certainly took your time getting back,” Reborn says, as we continue to watch the action.

“I was busy using my powers of persuasion as a force for good.”

“And where is the ‘nice’ young lady?” He asks snidely.

Takeshi swings his sword and cuts through a pipe and two-by-four in one swift motion. In the same motion he gives one of the punks the closest shave he has probably ever had in his entire life and stops just before takin the pricks head clean off.

Unfortunately, as he is doing this two more break past him and Hayato and heads straight for Tsuna and Futa. Tsuna shrieks and starts madly dodging the flurry of blows and turns to keep Futa safe.

“Tsuna-niisan!” Futa cries and that goes straight to my heart. New little brother acquired.

Reborn raises the sniper rifle and is ready to pull the trigger to ignite Tsuna. But before he can fire or I can go barreling into the fray I catch a glow of vibrant indigo and the scream of an alto-saxophone.

“Lamppost,” I say as an answer to Reborn’s earlier question.

“What?”

I don’t even have time to formulate a response as reality warps around one of the lampposts and Haru swings herself around at high speed and collides with both of Tsuna’s assailants.

“Don’t worry Tsunayoshi-san Haru is here to help!” She chirps cheerfully and proceeds to use one of them as a box spring to launch herself off of.

“HIEEEEE!?????” Tsuna shrieks. He looks around wildly and then up at me and, “INARI WHAT DID YOU DO!?”

“I got you a creepy minion Bro-Bro!”

“Haru isn’t creepy!!” Haru screams as she proceeds to meld into the background again.

“YES, YOU ARE!” I call back at her, “You can work on self-improvement later!”

Tsuna continues to flail and panic, but he looks moderately less stressed out but about a hundred and twenty percent more freaked out at having Haru of all people come to his rescue.

“You have an unusual talent for recruitment,” Reborn raises an eyebrow as he looks at me.

“All of my talents are unusual dude,” I shoot back at him and get ready to jump down into the action. “But this one was less unusual and more having to ‘adult’ at an idiot until she realized the error of her ways.”

He chuckles a little at that, “Stop lazing around Monello, you have work to do.”

“Right-o.” I grin and leap down landing heavy on the idiot with too many piercings shoulders sending him crashing back to the ground.

Things look like their getting a little dicey for Tsuna. He can’t really fight back while he’s holding the kid and he’s not quite as strong as me to be able to jump around while carrying another person.

I tuck and roll past Takeshi who conveniently blocks a sledgehammer strike and then he lets out a whistle as I stick a dramatic landing. Like we’re back at baseball practice and I’m doing one of my crazy dives to catch a line drive.

Thank you, thank you, I’ll be here all week.

“Fucking moron,” Hayato snipes.

Yeah, that sounds more likely.

“Right back at you octopus-head.”

The guys have taken out the majority of our assailants at this point however the ones that are standing seem to be gunning specifically for Tsuna now. I think Reborn must have caught on to my trajectory because he seems to be holding out on firing the Deathperation bullet.

First, retrieve small squishy target then Tsuna can Hulk out and kick-ass protagonist style.

I roll out and pop out Willy Wonka style in front of them and strike a ‘TA-DA’ pose with my arms outstretched. Futa cheers, because he is obviously a kid with good taste in performance art. Tsuna just stares at me with his eye twitching.

“Why is SHE here?” He asks as he passes Futa into my outstretched arms.

“She is trying to amend for her wicked ways,” is my immediate reply as I settle Futa into what I how is the best position for carrying an entire human person while avoiding getting hit by shit. “I mean, don’t get me wrong, she is still a creeper but she seems more or less interested in moving on from that.”

“Why do you do these things?” It’s not so much a question to me as it is a question for the universe at large.

I pat him on the shoulder and then I duck out the way as a bullet comes sailing in from behind striking him between the eyes and igniting him. The trumpet call comes louder this time with a jazzy be-bop riff and I couldn’t block out the music even if I tried. Our core group is getting pretty tight on our harmony now. It’s actually starting to sound like something and not just one big noisy mess.

I dance along the railing of the bridge with Futa holding tight to my back as half a dozen punk gangsters are thrown through the air by Tsuna’s might. Rage mode Tsuna might not be as cool as Hyper Dying Will mode Tsuna, he still has his own flair that I appreciate. Also, it adds to the legend of the boxer-shorts vigilante.

“So Futa what brings you to the fair city of Namimori?” I ask him conversationally as we jump past yet another idiot swinging around a crowbar.

“You know who I am Inari-niisan?” He asks somewhat surprised. I don’t know why he obviously knew mine and Tsuna’s without us having to introduce ourselves.

“I know lots of stuff kiddo. But there’s a lot of that going around.”

“I guess?” And then, “Look out!”

I dive into one of the tents as a sledgehammer guy strikes again and the two of us land in a soft pile of plush octopi.

“Thanks for that.”

“No problem, this is all my fault anyway, it's me they’re after,” he says. Poor kid sounds so dejected about that.

“Not your fault, they’re assholes working for an even bigger asshole from what I can tell,” I say doing my best to be light-hearted and consoling.

Futa gnaws on his bottom lip nervously and I see his fingers twitching like they were holding a pen. Like he’s trying to write something out.

“I assume they are after one of your rankings,” Reborn says, appearing at the gap in the tent. He has his GLOCK in hand now rather than the sniper rifle.

Futa nods slowly, “That’s right. The scary man wanted some very specific rankings.”

“Specific?” Reborn asks, while my interest immediately goes to, “Scary man?”

Futa’s gaze wavers between us as sounds of combat outside of the tent start to die down... well mostly there is one very high pitched shriek of ‘HA-HI!” A splash and then Tsuna shouting, “RESCUE THE CREEPER WITH MY DYING WILL!” This is closely followed by Hayato and Takeshi shouting after him as my brother presumably jumps off the bridge into the water.

I told him those swimming lessons would eventually pay off.

Futa reclaims my attention with a tug on my shirt giving me a scared and nervous look, “He was really weird he had stitches all over him and the way he moved was all wrong, like a puppet.”

Reborn has turned so that he can better keep an eye on Tsuna and the guys but I can see that way his shoulders stiffen at that description. It does sound uncomfortably familiar, doesn’t it? A lot like a creepy dead woman who had turned up at the school during assassin con.

“Hey, Futa, did you see his eyes?” I ask trying my best to keep the edge of hysteria out of my voice.

He glances up at me and gives me the tiniest nod, “They were very strange, one was blue and looked normal, but the other was red and had the kanji for ‘six’ in it.”

Of course, this is a Mukuro thing. Why wouldn’t it be a Mukuro thing? I had made a terrible joke about him coming to eat our souls, so of course, this is a Mukuro thing.

“When did you see him last?” I ask trying to keep my voice level.

“Back in Shang-hi.”

I exhale deeply, that’s something at least. I’m not sure how well we would be able to handle a potential army of stitch zombies right now. I should probably tell Tsuna about the potential army of stitch zombies anyway. That seems like something he should know about, what with him being Vongola Decimo and all.

“Shang-hi?” I ask trying to steer the conversation away from my bizarre paranoia about Mukuro and zombies.

I still don’t even technically know that his name is Mukuro yet, do I? That’s really fucking weird now that I actually have to think about it.

“A drug dealer connected with the Triads had purchased my services. For four months. I had to leave the contract early which is bad, but he wouldn’t protect me and the scary man and the others started turning up everywhere,” he sounds so upset at he says this there are tears in the corners of his eyes.

And I can’t get over ‘purchased my services.’ That sounds so fucking sceavy that I can’t even. This kid is NINE no one should be purchasing his services for anything.

I wrap my arm around him and pull him tight against my side, “He will have to fucking fight me kiddo.”

Outside the cover of the tent, I can hear Tsuna squawking in embarrassed outrage about something as Takeshi laughs his fucking ass off.

“And those guys too,” and then I think, “And there’s also a girl who I’m pretty sure is actually a deity of some kind and a cave troll and well Reborn will probably throw down for you too, right man?”

I look at Reborn again and....yikes.

He’s gone full-on murder doll mode with the terrifying eyes and the unsettling glow from the pacifier (which I am NOT THINKING ABOUT) that casts his visage into dark shadows. His fingers are twitching in a sequence against his thigh which seems deliberate, and yet at this moment unimportant.

I am abruptly reminded that the last time we heard from Estraeno agents, and these are most definitely Estraeno agents, several of HIS informants were chopped into pieces and thrown into the ocean.

“Of course,” he says, and the localized temperature drops to negative a million degrees with all the ice that is in his tone.

Futa doesn’t seem to notice the tonal shift and if he does he doesn’t seem to care. He throws his scrawny arms around my waist and squeezes me for all that he’s worth.

“What are you guys doing here?” Tsuna asks, poking his head through the gap in the tent to look in at us.

“Discussing the proper plural of the word octopus,” I lie immediately and chuck one of the plushies at his head.

It ineffectually bounces off and he continues to stare at me.

He looks like he has a million things that he wants to say to me, but the thing that comes out of his mouth is, “I don’t know what you said to Haru to get her to help us but you need to undo it.”

“Why? What happened it sounded like you guys were having fun out there for a minute.”

“She declared her undying love and devotion to me and thinks that we're going to get MARRIED NOW!”

“You’re getting popular with the ladies Dame-Tsuna,” Reborn teases him in deadpan.

“I don’t want to be popular with this one!” He complains.

Huh.... canon finds a way to happen one way or another I guess. But still trading one reason for obsessively stalking someone for another is in no way appropriate. She’s on thin ice as it is and if this turns into an escalation of stalking behaviors I’m probably

“I can’t promise I’ll succeed but I promise I’ll try,” I pledge to him as I pull myself and Futa out of our plushy octopi prison.

We step out of the tent and back onto the Midori bridge, which is now covered in the twitching, groaning bodies of unconscious gangsters. And to the sight of Hayato plays the roll of bouncer as Haru tries to break past him and get to Tsuna. Takeshi is happily amusing himself by providing sarcastic sports commentary for this most recent bit of stupidity as he sits on top of a pile of the defeated.

I’m about to raise my voice to comment on that whole ‘what did we talk about being a creeper?’ But I am interrupted by a familiar and even more irritating voice.

“Who’s causing a ruckus on my bridge?” Hibari asks looking every bit the toll bridge troll.

Kusakabe is standing tall at his side and shoots me a somewhat apologetic look as he surveys the scene of the recently concluded fight.

I stare at Hibari.

And then I very casually turn to Tsuna, “Run?”

“Run,” He confirms with a nod

And we flee.

* * *

* * *

Thankfully, Hibari chooses not to follow after us. I think he’s too busy collecting protection money from the festival booths. After the show that our group put on, I’m pretty sure there are quite a few of them willing to pay those extra premiums.

We also manage to ditch Haru on our mad dash home while we take a short cut through Lucky Taro’s Grocery Store. I doubt that will last long considering she knows where we live, but hopefully, she will give some serious consideration to my whole ‘don’t be a stalker’ monologue.

Hopefully, she will get distracted by the Doom Festival and will leave us alone for a couple of days. I don’t think I can handle her trying to break into our house again.

“Futa where are you staying right now? We can walk you home,” Tsuna addresses the ranking prince that is currently riding piggyback.

“What are you talking about Bro-Bro,” I answer for him, “Obviously he’s coming home with us.”

“We can’t just bring Futa home with us!” Tsuna exclaims and Reborn immediately smacks him across the head.

“Quiet Dame-Tsuna,” He orders, “Unless you want to your enemies know where you have him hidden.”

“Enemies? What enemies!?”

“A Don has many enemies,” is Reborn’s straightforward reply, which doesn’t really answer Tsuna’s question.

“I’m not a DON!” Tsuna immediately declaims.

“Of course not Vongola Nono is still alive after all,” Futa states practically.

Tsuna whines.

“We still can’t just bring him home with us,” he states again, “What are we going to tell mom?”

I have to think about that for a moment. What had he told her when we brought Lambo home? I had never thought to ask and mom seems to have adjusted to having a new mouth to feed without question.

“Here is a new son to add to your growing collection of sons?”

I’m only kind of joking with that. Reborn lets out a bark of laughter when I say it though so at the very least I know it should work as an icebreaker.

Reborn’s mirthful outburst seems to have startled Tsuna, though I don’t know why. He’s looking over at Reborn somewhat terrified.

“Maybe the reality-warping properties of the Doom Moon with a kick in and she won't ask any questions at all and will just accept that she now has four sons,” I go on.

Tsuna makes a tragically hilarious face and Futa starts giggling at him.

“C’mon Tsuna, you made a pledge to keep him safe from the forces of evil. You can’t really make good on that if he’s not within protecting distance.”

“No going back on your word Dame-Tsuna. I would look bad if Ranking Futa were to go missing on your watch.”

“HIEEEE! Why are you putting this all on me!?”

* * *

* * *

As it turns out we don’t have to explain much of anything to Mom. All we really need to do is point Futa at her and say, ‘he has nowhere to go can we keep him?’ And it’s done.

However, she does take a moment to tease me mercilessly about my fun new adoption habit as the two of us pull out the masks and the other festival gear from the attic.

“Moooom~” I whine embarrassed.

“Oh sweetie I think it's cute you have such strong paternal instincts as young as you are,” She giggles and gives me a big hug.

“I can’t just leave him he’s alone and scared and-“

“And his song is so sad,” She finishes for me and I just have to take a moment to stare at her. She has a soft smile on her face as she continues looking through the trunk filled with Grandpa’s festival accessories.

“... yeah.”

“Your such a sweet boy Inari-chan, you and Tsu-kun both. Mama is so proud of both of you.”

“Thanks, Mama,” I say just as there is the sound of something exploding and Tsuna shrieking from downstairs.

Mom laughs again, “It’s so nice to have the house lively like this.”

“Sure keeps things interesting,” I agree.

We continue working as Tsuna and the kids laugh and run around downstairs. Every so often I’ll hear Reborn egging on the chaos in his own aloof way. When we finally have everything we head back toward the ladder and carefully pass the boxes filled with outfits and masks down to the floor.

“Alright boys its time to choose your faces for the festival!” Mom calls out summoning the chaos to us. “Remember if a space demon sees your true face your soul is forfeit to the void.”

She says that last bit with such a gleeful chirp that you would think she was talking about dessert. Mom reaches into the box as the other boys arrive and pull out her mask and carefully unwind the silk wrap.

Hello Mother Bear.

“There’s enough for everyone so choose wisely,” she mostly directs this at Lambo, Futa, and Reborn who are new to Namimori and it’s strange customs.

Tonight is the first night of the Doom Moon.

And somewhere out there Rokudo Mukuro is plotting something. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Haru ended up taking over a lot of this chapter in a weird way. Mostly because of how problematic she is and how very much Inari wants her to stop harassing his brother. She will have to do some serious work if she wants to hang out with Team Neighbourhood Watch. 
> 
> And now Futa is here and Inari and Tsuna have a new little brother to add to their growing collection of mafia siblings. But he does have the bad guys eyes on him. 
> 
> It’s now time for the Festival of Impending Doom! And if there is a good place to hide a magical boy who is being chased by supernaturally imbued assailants it is a festival where everyone is in masks and crazy shit is already happening. 
> 
> And for a quick guessing game: What animal masks do you think Inari and the other kids will end up with? Let me know your guesses!
> 
> Once again, thank you so much for all the wonderful comments and kudos :) They make my day, you have no idea. 
> 
> And as always, I love hearing from you so let me know: Questions? Comments? Theories?


	18. Bad Moon Rising (Part One)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It’s all fun and games....

From the outside looking in the Doom Day Festival looks pretty fucking wild. I assume it seems like a city was preparing for a completely normal summer festival and then everyone took a whole bunch of drugs and got super high.

They didn’t, but it sure SEEMS that way.

If asked people around town will say that they are obeying that order from times of yore: “THE WORLD IS ENDING LIVE LIKE TOMORROW WILL NEVER ARRIVE FOR IT WON’T! LIVE AND EMBRACE YOUR DOOM!”

I have empirical evidence that they are not just play-acting. Just going by the dramatic and dangerous shit people do. It’s like every person in Namimori collectively loses all impulse control.

And suddenly we’re dealing with a city of idiots, like me. Which is why I start looking sane by comparison.

And poor Tsuna, he’s usually the sanest of anyone because the Doom Day madness has never really been able to penetrate his skull.

I think it used to pre-sealing, but my memories of the before times are somewhat.... inaccessible.

Whatever my memory is shit lately anyway thanks to paranormal interference.

The point is; The Doom Day effect has struck the Sawada household hard this year. Inhibitions are at an all-time low. Our neighbors the Tanaka’s had awoken the entire neighborhood at five in the morning by blasting rap music and break dancing in the middle of the street.

They are both ninety and apparently spry as fuck.

Even mom, who is generally immune to the madness, had been in a cocky suave mood before she had taken off with Nori-san.

“BWAHAHAHA! Bow before the great Lambo-Sama!” Lambo bellows as he strikes a pose on top of Mom’s sewing table. He looks like a mad miniature Viking with the massive ram horns and the ‘plunder’ under his arm.

Lambo has always been a brat, but the Doom Day madness has transformed him into an imperious little lordling. He had started the day by demanding we all swear fealty to him.

“Lambo I need back~” Tsuna whines (begs? Pleads?) as he makes vain swipes for the mask.

“Bring Lambo-Sama a hundred grape candies!” He demands and then his eyes brighten, “Bring Lambo-Sama a bajillion grape candies!”

“Hieeeee!”

Tsuna warbles and Futa giggles uncontrollably from his position next to Lambo. Futa had very willingly declared his services to the great lord Lambo this morning. And for his trouble been dubbed Sir Fluffybuns in a moving ceremony with a cardboard tube sword and a beach towel.

Tsuna himself had been somewhat preoccupied with the deluge of rubber snakes that Reborn had rained down upon him from all angles. I have no idea where he got a thousand rubber snakes, nor do I know where they all went since.

“Dame-Tsuna, take this opportunity to practice your hostage negotiation skills,” Reborn calls over to him with an unusually wide smile under the flashiest mask.

“Hostage!?”

“C’mon Bro-Bro,” I call over encouragement from my spot next to Reborn, “use your charisma skill.”

“I have no charisma!”

“Then hit a melody and harmonize.”

“What does that even MEAN!?”

I don’t have a chance to answer him, because at that moment Lambo smacks him in the head with a pincushion. And Tsuna is pulled into a ‘combat round.’

I laugh and settle into watch the chaos unfold. Poor Tsuna, the eternal straight man in the comedy routine that is is life.

I lean back into the couch so that I can get a better look at Reborn through the eyes of my own mask. He has been wearing his all morning. You know, embracing the spirit of the eldritch holiday.

When he first pulled it out of the box with a sly smile on his face I was sure that he was just being his usual trolling self. But he’s such a flashy bastard, it actually suits him. Even more so now that the Doom Moon Crazies have set in.

I actually wasn’t sure if the psychic inebriation was going to get to him, what with him already being under the influence of a mysterious and paranormal force. And I’m still not sure if it actually has or if he is just playing along for shits and giggles.

What I do know for sure is that last night his melody had been somewhat more broken and brooding than it has been for a little bit. Probably because Futa’s Estraeno reveal had left him all sorts of stressed behind his placid smile.

The fact that home office hadn’t been picking up hadn’t done anything for his nerves either. Though I think it had added to the general air of bloodlust that he started wearing as soon as Futa had laid down the description of his mysterious pursuer.

He had also tried to call Doll-Face and hadn’t been able to get through which had just added to the stress I think. Though I doubt anything tragic has taken place in Italy. It’s more likely that this is a case of communication services in and out of Namimori getting fucked up.

It has been known to happen.

Now, however, it sounds like a mad fiddler has hijacked his metaphysical violin, and it is quite honestly amazing. Tsuna has been absolutely terrified by the extra layer of chaotic mania that Reborn has been rocking all morning.

I am digging it though.

Bring on the crazy.

“This suits you way too well man,” I tell him with a lazy grin as I playfully bat at the colourful plumage that is decorating the edge of the mask. “I don’t know why I didn’t think it would.”

Reborn magnanimously allows my intrusion in to his personal space bubble and pretends that he isn’t preening under the attention.

“You always enjoy dolling yourself up so much,” I continue and adjust myself so that I’m not going to throw my neck out trying to keep an eye on him and everything else.

He chuckles and averts his gaze in a way that is more showy and less bashful, “I don’t know what you’re talking about Monello.”

“Liar,” I boldly challenge, “The costumes are one thing but you go through the trouble of custom ordering all of those absurdly expensive suits too.”

“It’s important to take pride in your appearance,” Reborn rebuts with all the self-assured vanity that I have come to expect.

“And of course you’re too good for polyester blends,” I snicker.

A smirk crawls across his face, “as if I would wear something off the rack.”

Peacock.

Of course he’s a peacock. He is such a flashy, self-assured dude. What else would he be other than one of the most ostentatious birds in the animal kingdom.

And of course Leon has constructed himself a matching miniature get-up to match his human. It is so fucking adorable it hurts. I think I spend a good fifteen minutes cooing over how fucking awesome my little lizard buddy looks.

Reborn’s good mood is also probably in part because I have spent a great deal of the morning playing along with his ‘Tsuna Training Plans.’ Though I’m not entirely convinced that it hadn’t been an excuse to bust out one of the most epic rubber snake pranks in history.

Like hell, I was going to miss out on that.

Our live-in-hitman enjoys having his genius appreciated.

“Aren't assassins supposed to be all low profile, hide in the shadows, and all that shit?” I continue teasing him. Mostly because he is letting me get away with it.

“Amateurs maybe,” Reborn waves off with prideful aplomb.

Our attention is briefly diverted to Tsuna who is in the midst of being tackled by Lord Bighorns and Sir Fluffybuns.

Which is interesting, but not quite as interesting as the thought that has started percolating in the back of my imagination. Regarding Reborn and his outlandish costumes.

“What’s the weirdest thing that you ever wore to do a hit?” I ask, turning back to him with wayyyy to much excitement.

Though half of his face is obscured by the colorful feathers of the mask I can still tell that he is giving me that judgemental raised eyebrow look.

“Do a hit?” He repeats, “For someone who enjoys spoken language so much, you spend so much time butchering it.”

“You mean I make it more awesome,” I laugh, “C’mon man, you’re the most badass hitman in the world tell me a crazy story.”

I doubt that I can get away with this. Reborn’s backstory is a mystery, wrapped in an enigma, locked in a vault, that is filled with explosives.

“You want me to tell you a ‘story’ Piccola Volpe?”

“Pretty please with sugar on top~” I flutter my eyelashes at him. Which is pointless beneath the mask but I do it anyway.

Perhaps a fox is a tad predictable for me. But it is also a tradition. Grandpa had said so.

Reborn stares at me with a considering look. I narrow my eyes back challengingly. He’s already broken his million-year ban on story time with me before. Besides, it’s not like I’m asking about the secrets of magic fire or mafia info.

Just, you know, his personal backstory.

Honestly, at this point, four months have felt like a million years. To me at least.

Tsuna whinnies and my focus is diverted back to him and the kids. I watch as he rushes around the room on all fours with Futa and Lambo on his back. Capitulation is another way to deal with negotiations I guess. He did get his mask back. Even though he is now a magnificent steed for the imperious lord.

The look on Tsuna’s face tells me that the cost to his dignity might have been too high. But, hey, the kids are having a blast.

I want to make sure that Futa isn’t distracted by the ‘Estraeno Issue’ today. And Tsuna is doing a great job of that. Well, Tsuna and the aforementioned psychic inebriation.

If any hostile mafia forces to attempt to come at us today I hope they get stampeded by a pack of lamas or something equally ridiculous.

“I once killed a man while onstage dressed as a cabaret dancer.”

I was so distracted by Tsuna and the kids that I hadn’t noticed Reborn leaning in until he is whispering in my ear.

“And no one was the wiser,” He finishes and then hops off the couch to join the kiddos in their torment of Tsuna.

And I just STARE.

Was that an achievement?

Did I just unlock an achievement?!

I have no words. 

Pics or it didn’t happen. I demand photographic evidence.

I look over at Leon who is still chilling on the back of the couch with me and asks, “Really?” With a mad grin stretching across my face.

Leon’s only response is to shoot his tongue out at me and stick it to the side of my face.

Well alright then.

“Inari help!” Tsuna calls, and I turn back to the action to see that my brother is now being used as a trampoline as he lays flat on the ground. I guess carrying around three bodies was too much for him.

I’m sure Reborn has plans to work on his strength and stamina more at some point. Though if he goes into Dying Will Mode normal strength stats are thrown out the window. So I guess it doesn’t really matter.

He reaches out to me with wide eyes behind the equally adorable mouse mask. I can’t say no to that.

“On it.”

I vault myself off of the couch and land hard in a crouch in front of them. I give the kids a long wide-eyed stare from behind the mask and give them a smile that is all teeth.

In an instant, I snatch them both up and off of Tsuna’s back. Between one drum beat and the next, an obnoxious BLART of a tuba and a sharp chirp of a clarinet, I have Futa tucked securely under one arm and Lambo under the other.

I spin the three of us around and around and around. Faster and faster until both of the kiddos are shrieking with laughter. And then I stop dead, posed on one food and in one swift motion I toss them both on to the couch. They land bouncing and still giggling.

“I’ve rescued you Mouse-san,” I declare with a mad grin and reach out with both hands toward Tsuna. He slides his into mine and I lever him up using myself as a counterweight.

“Fratello is so strong!” Lambo cheers.

I give them both a little bow and send a ‘thank you’ to whatever deity or alien life form it was that had seen fit to return my coordination to its former glory. It was getting somewhat exhausting, having to second guess every step that I took.

I’m just lucky that Tsuna had been too distracted by Haru and her relentless sneak attacks to notice. And that Takeshi hadn’t complained about giving way more piggy back rides than normal. He’s a good friend.

“Inari-nii ranks 69 out of 86,202 mafia members for pure physical strength,” Futa states matter-of-factly as he pulls out a massive red tomb, from seemingly nowhere.

He proceeds to flip to a page where he points to my name.

“Cool.”

Good number too, but I am going to refrain from making an off color joke about oral sex whilst in the presence of actual children.

Also, Tsuna might have a heart attack if he hears the words ‘oral sex’ come out of my mouth in casual conversation.

I’ll have to save it for a day when we aren’t all preoccupied with our impending doom.

“Futa, what is that book anyway?” Tsuna asks as he pushes the mask on top of his head so that he can get a better look at the names and numbers scribbled across the page.

He makes a face when he realizes that he is looking at words written in the Latin alphabet. Meaning that he gives up on trying to decipher them just as fast as he usually gives up on his English homework.

Immediately.

“That book is one of the most coveted items in the mafia,” Reborn explains as he appears behind the kiddos on the couch to retrieve Leon. “The information that it contains has the potential to bring wealth or ruin to entire nations. Futa-kun’s rankings are always one hundred percent accurate.”

He continues with more drama than is called for as he stares down Tsuna.

And of course Tsuna plays right into his ploy. My Bro-Bro is staring at the book in Futa’s lap with mounting paranoia. That familiar tick is going that the corner of his eye, which makes it seem more like he’s staring at a deadly reptile that accidentally took up residence on our couch, and not a book.

Though considering how it ignores realistic spatial constraints it is probably some sort of magical book.

I need to figure out how hammer-space works, it would make storing glitter so much easier.

“Do you want to use it?” Reborn asks challengingly.

“NOPE,” Is Tsuna’s immediate and emphatic response, “No thank you, that sounds like way too much pressure.”

He waves his hands disdainfully toward the book and does an immediate heel turn, Sawada. Of course, he turns straight into me and I link my arm through his and turn him back to the conversation at hand.

“Not to mention how much effort it would be to go for the world domination route,” I say.

Maybe on the next playthrough.

Futa smiles at both of us and looks up at Reborn, “I already knew my book would be safe here,” he says, “Tsuna-nii ranks number 1 out of 872 mob bosses for having no ambition.”

He says it so cheerfully. You never would have expected that he just landed a critical hit on Tsuna’s pride.

“HIEEE! What kind of terrible statistic is that?!” Tsuna complains, “It makes me sound like a directionless loser!”

“Rankings don’t lie Dame-Tsuna.”

Futa takes a quick moment to adjust the rabbit mask so it stops falling down past his nose, and flips to another page where he points to Tsuna’s name again.

“Tsuna-nii, you also rank number 1 in terms of mafia bosses that can’t refuse a request.”

And the hits just keep coming.

It’s not a terrible thing, but the way that its phrased leaves something to be desired.

“That’s even WORSE~” Tsuna whines.

“Even the stars know that you’re a doormat Dame-Tsuna,” Reborn says with a mockingly placid smile.

I take advantage of Tsuna’s comical flailing to start getting the kids ready to head out.

Shoes for Lambo.

Adjust Futa’s mask so it stops slipping down.

Make sure that my bag of emergency necessities is packed.

Glitter?

Check.

Ray Gun?

Check.

Mace?

Check.

Comprehensive map of Namimori’s sewage system?

Check.... and still somewhat damp from last year which is upsetting.

Phone?

Check and fully charged... I don’t actually remember the last time I charged this phone which is somewhat off-putting.

Whatever, it’s festival time!

“Speaking of alien forces beyond our mortal understanding,” I interrupt picking up Lambo and helping Futa down from the couch. “It’s time for us to collect our compatriots and face our doom.”

And possible stitch zombies created by a morally deprived mafia family and controlled by a vengeance-seeking poltergeist/all-powerful illusionist.

It’ll be fine.

* * *

* * *

The crazy starts almost immediately after leaving out of the gate. No sooner had our little group had stepped onto the street then we had to leap back as we narrowly avoid getting flattened by a stampede of forty horse-faced men dressed only in loincloths.

And as unsettling as the sparing painted eyes on those masks are they are not the most eye-catching part of that scene.

“LOOK AT ALL THE BUTTS!” Lambo screams in hilarity as he points after the stampede as they round the corner.

Yup.

That is a lot of bare assess that just went running past us.

“Don’t look!” Tsuna reacts wayyyy too late in an attempt to shield Lambo and Futa’s innocent eyes.

I don’t know why. I’m pretty sure both of these kids have seen worse. Which isn’t a great thing, but, you know.

It looks like its shaping up to be one of THOSE years. Less deadly and terrifying and more random and stupid. But it’s still early in the day so who knows there’s still time for someone to decide that the Witch Trials had been on to something and convince the city at large to start building pyres outside city hall.

It’s happened before.

I just hope if something does try to kill us it isn’t four dozen men in loincloths who have forgotten about the dangers of theme costumes.

“You don’t seem particularly moved by that,” Reborn murmurs in my ear as we head off.

“Naw, that was tame in comparison to some of the shit that has happened before,” I tell him, “Trust me if there is anything super out of the ordinary I will be screaming blue bloody murder and you will know it.”

“Hmm,” There is a pause and for a moment I think that’s it, but then he continues, “We’ll follow your lead then Piccola Volpe.”

My constant internal monologue comes to a screeching halt and I turn to look at him.

“What?”

“You are the most experienced party here,” he presses on with twinkling beady eyes. “Tsuna seems to be surprised at every turn.”

“Yeah, he always seems to forget about the weird right after it happens. Willful amnesia and all that.”

I pause.

I wonder...

“ **It must be that seal that Nono put on him affecting his ability to process**.”

Reborn is quiet.

I don’t look at him. Instead, I keep my focus dead ahead on Tsuna who is already being pulled in all directions by an extremely excited Lambo who has caught the smell of sugar in the air.

“I’m working on it,” Reborn finally answers, “He has already made a great deal of progress on that front.”

“...Good.”

I’m glad that he doesn’t seem to feel the need to question how I came about this obviously top secret information. In retrospect that fib I told about premonitions was the best thing, I could have said. It has saved me so many uncomfortable explanations.

“Anyway, I shall be our guide into doom and madness. Just, like, let me know if you spot any assassin types milling around and I’ll let you know if I see anything terrifying that shouldn’t be there.” I hole up my fist to him, “Deal?”

It takes him a moment before he ‘baps’ it with no shortage of amusement.

“Cool, now that we’ve got that settled. Should we tell Tsuna about the Estraeno thing? I mean, he already knows that scary dudes are after Futa so I don’t know if it would help anything?” I ramble.

“I’ve concluded that Tsuna reacts better in the moment to conflict,” Reborn answers, “rather than giving him time to panic and dither about waiting for something to go wrong.”

“This is a fair and accurate assessment.”

* * *

* * *

“I got you a candy apple,” Takeshi says in lieu of an actual greeting and proceeds to shove the caramel covered fruit into my mouth.

He gives me a sharp toothy grin from beneath the wolf mask as I proceed to chock on said carnival treat. But my god is it tasty.

“Food on sticks is truly the height of human achievement,” I say, though it’s mostly muffled through the entire fruit that has been shoved into my mouth.

Takeshi is dressed in his normal street clothes and has the magical bat of transmutation in its container slung over a shoulder. I don’t think he leaves home without that now. We so often find ourselves needing to be armed these days. Better safe than sorry and all that jazz.

“What was that?”

I grab hold of the so the stick so I can actually chew and swallow the caramelly goodness before having an entire apple shoved down my throat. The thought is appreciated though.

“I said, ‘I can’t breathe you dick,’” I augment.

“Sorry, sorry,” he grins but doesn’t actually look sorry in the least.

“You should be,” I tease, “ What would you have done if that had gotten stuck in my mouth? You would have had to go the entire festival deprived of my beautiful voice, and then what would you have done.”

“Play charades?” he pokes back.

I smack him lightly on the chest and snicker, “jerk.”

And then, “By the way did you see the horse-“

“Yup,” He says, “Some of the sempai from the team were running in there.”

“How could you -“ and then I actually think about it and I smack him again.

A little harder this time.

Takeshi laughs and looks over my head at Tsuna.

“Yo Tsuna!” Takeshi calls, before weaving his way past two people in neon pink leotards and dangles another candied apple in front of my brother's face, “I got you one too.”

Tsuna takes a moment to stare at the treat before he takes it from Takeshi’s outstretched hand with gentle reverence.

“This is the first time a friend has bought me festival food,” He says as he stares at the candy apple, “I will treasure it forever.”

Takeshi snickers and gives Tsuna a friendly smack across the back, “You’re a funny guy Tsuna. Eat it before it gets all rotten and nasty.”

When he still looks hesitant I call over, “I’ll make sure Takeshi gets you a candy apple next year. We’ll make a thing of it. Nostalgic candy apples to commemorate this momentous event of friendship.”

Tsuna gives me a flat look and takes an overly large bite of the apple. Signaling that he has gotten the point of my soliloquy and would like for it to stop before I start going on about bromance and emotional bonds of friendship.

Just to make things super duper awkward for him.

“And not that I don’t appreciate being assaulted with sugar-coated fruits dude, because I totally do,” I say as I casually swipe a couple of bags of doughnut holes for the kiddos (from a vendor who has become distracted trying to sell the image of Kami-sama in the dough). “But don’t you usually go for the chocolate covered bananas?”

I do my best to waggle my eyebrows at Takeshi, “Were they sold out or did you decide that that was a little to phallic to go shoving in people's mouths?” I tease.

Takeshi goes pink but the toothy grin doesn’t drop from his face. Tsuna, on the other hand, squeaks very much like the mouse that he is impersonating and whines, “Inari can you not~”

I just keep snickering.

“Eat your apple,” He pouts as he takes a bite of his own.

“Eat a dick~” I sing-song as I take a much larger bite of my own.

“Isn’t that your job,” Tsuna immediately fires back unthinkingly. And for the second time, I find myself almost choking to death on this candy apple.

OH MY GOD TSUNA~

He looks at me in concern as Takeshi has started howling with laughter. It takes a moment for him to backtrack and then another for him to process the words that had come out of his own mouth. But once he does he goes bright red and looks absolutely MORTIFIED.

“SORRY! I-I meant, I, uh, I-“ He stutters and stammers out an apology.And by that time I have stopped chocking on the caramel death trap and am laughing right along with Takeshi.

“Oh my god Tsuna!” I manage to gasp out, “That was the sickest burn you have ever done~ And you did it to me! Your own flesh and blood!”

“I didn’t mean-“

“It was fucking amazing!”

If there was ever proof that the seal on Tsuna is actually weakening I think this is it. The psychic inebriation is actually starting to get to him it looks like. Awesome. I hope he has been fully emboldened by the time it’s time for us to meet up with Kyoko for their ‘date.’

I’m still not sure if either of them understands how dates work vis-a-vis other people in proximity to their date like activities. Not that I care about their developing exhibitionist tendencies, but there is only so much of my brother’s developing love life that I want or need to be privy too.

“Still sorry,” He mumbles as he escapes the arm that Takeshi had thrown over his shoulder. He stiffly turns and motions into the festival crowd.

“We should probably go find Hayato-kun before he tries to eat the cotton candy or something.”

“Cotton candy!?” Lambo perks up, “Lambo-sama loves cotton candy get some NOW!” He demands.

I smile at him and hold up a doughnut hole for him to grab, “you don’t want this cotton candy buddy.”

“Why not?” Futa asks.

Reborn, who has perched on Futa’s shoulder, gives me a similarly questioning look.

“Because it isn’t cotton candy,” I tell them.

“What is it?” Reborn asks slowly.

“No one knows.”

It is one of the great mysteries of the Doom Day Festival. No one knows where the cotton candy vendor comes from, and no one knows what it is that he’s selling. But the bold writing on top of his kiosk clearly inform all customers, ‘THIS IS NOT COTTON CANDY.’

What’s even more concerning is that it’s free.

“But it’s best not to try eating any of it.”

* * *

* * *

The heard of horsemen with their proudly displayed posteriors cross our path again while we are on our way to find Hayato. And we end up having to divert through the park to avoid being trampled again.

I’m not sure what the original intent of the park was this year, but it has now become a battlefield for warring factions of picnickers.

“Duck and cover!” I call out as a volley of decorative cakes sails toward us.

I hit the ground in a protective summersault with Lambo still tucked to my chest and roll behind an upended picnic table. Takeshi, Reborn and Futa join us a second later.

“HIEEEE!” Tsuna shrieks and throws up his hands to block his face. Which is a rather ineffectual defensive move against pastries if I do say so myself.

Lucky for him a savior arrives.

Tsuna yelps as a tall, muscular woman in a qipao pluck him off the ground and gracefully moves him out of harm's way. When his feet are back on solid ground Tsuna looks up at her all wide eyed and frightened.

“There you are hon, you’re okay.”

Tsuna doesn’t know this person.

But I sure do.

“HI MIKI-CHAN!” I call out waving madly at her.

“Inari-chan, is that you sweetie?!” A wide smile blooms beneath the deer mask. In two long strides, she reaches our group with Tsuna in toe.

“Yup!” I chirp, “You look gorgeous today. I love your dress it’s so sparkly!” I gush as I am absolutely enchanted by the gems that have been painstakingly embroidered into the emerald silk.

“A charmer as always Inari-chan~” She waves the complement off bashfully. “You look pretty ‘sparkly’ yourself.”

I take a moment to examine my hand which just always seems to have glitter on them these days. Which of course means that all of my clothes and my hair are just always sparkling now. Because glitter spreads to everything.

“I like sparkles,” I state simply.

“I-Inari...” Tsuna starts nervously looking up at Miki-chan, “who is this person?”

Which is fair. Because to anyone who doesn’t know her Miki is probably a fairly intimidating sight to behold. She is an Amazonian beauty who stands at 6’2 without the six-inch heels that she is currently rocking, and is dressed to the nines with impeccable make-up.

Miki is also that drag queen that had given me very important affirming advice when I had been in the midst of something of an identity crisis.

“This is Miki-chan,” I introduce her to the group, “She’s awesome. She showed me how to punch someone without breaking my entire hand.”

And there was that too.

“Miki-chan, this is my brother and my friends.”

“Nice to meet you... ma’am,” Tsuna says, a little uncertainly, but still sweetly. He’s a good guy, Tsuna.

“It’s nice to meet all of you,” She says, and then her eyes brighten, “I should introduce you to my new friend as well.”

She starts looking around the crowd, an easier task considering she is currently 6’8 and towers over all of us.

“Where did the doctor go?”

I’m sure there are plenty of doctors in Namimori that she can be talking about. But there is only one face that comes to mind when those words are spoken. A very, very irritating face.

“Here I am Miki-chan~” Shamal calls out as he just about throws himself at Miki.

A very irritating face attached to an equally irritating man.

He’s looking lovestruck and drunk.

It’s been a while since we’ve seen this asshole in person. Though Hayato has kept us up to date on his continued presence in town. Freeloading in Hayato’s student apartment. Not helping to pay for utilities or groceries like a responsible adult should. Nope, just mooching off of his fourteen-year-old former apprentice.

Ass.

Irresponsible ass.

It takes a moment for him to realize that the lot of us are staring at him as he proceeds to embarrass himself with his terrible flirting skills and ‘affectionate’ touching.

“Shamal,” Reborn greets blandly.

“Oh, Reborn,” Shamal says snapping to attention, “Fancy meeting you here.”

And then he notices me, Tsuna, and Takeshi and grimaces even more. I’m pretty sure he just had the same thought I did. Only in the plural.

“And Decimo too.”

“What’s up doc?” I say with all the antagonistic nonchalance of Bugs Bunny at his best.

“If you must know I’ve been enjoying the festival with the lovely Miki-chan.” He answers, grabbing her hands and looking up into her eyes with absolute adoration.

“Oh, stop it Shamal~”

Well....

This is an interesting development.

I wonder if this is a ‘Doom Moon’ thing or if Shamal’s unusual and extreme gender bias has looser constraints than I thought.

Reborn shrugs when I shoot him a questioning look.

Oh, well, if he turns into an enormous dillweed about it tomorrow Miki can just punch him in the face. And if he doesn’t, cool... I guess?

Though judging by the shiner that he is currently sporting someone has already taken issue with the dear doctor.

“What the hell happened to your face?” I ask with absolutely no decorum.

“A-are you alright Doctor Shamal?” Tsuna adds in, with decorum.

Shamal looks between the two of us before decides that he would rather deal with Vongola Decimo rather than his irritating brother. Which is fine, because I don’t particularly want to deal with him at all.

Everything that I know about Shamal, combined with everything that Hayato has let slip about his leech-like house guest just leaves me with the certainty that Shamal is a sexual predator and he’s just so fucking skeevy.

And an asshole.

Though he might be able to tell us where Hayato is. We haven’t been able to find him and all the phones in the city seem to have forgotten how to function properly. When I had tried to call him I had ended up being connected to some kid asking about computer parts.

“I had a run-in with that psychotic friend of yours,” Shamal grimaces.

“You’ll have to be more specific than that,” Takeshi grins.

Or, rather, he does something that kind of looks like it could be a grin but is more like an actual wolf getting ready to lunge and rip someone’s throat out.

Takeshi REALLY doesn’t like Shamal. I remember he had spent the entire visit when he was giving me and Tsuna a check-up smiling a terrifying smile in Shamal’s direction.

“The alarmingly strong one that likes to bludgeon people with sticks,” the good doctor clarifies.

“The hell did you do to piss off Hibari?”

“NOTHING!” He protests dramatically.

We all stare at him. Even Futa stares at him with this disbelieving look. The kid knows just about everything about everyone in the mafia. He must know some pretty incriminating shit about Trident Shamal.

He probably ranks pretty high up there for ‘skeeviest louse’ in the mafia.

Shamal twitches under the combined scrutiny of our group.

“I might have attempted a dine-and-dash at the Takoyaki stand over by the bridge... But how the hell was I supposed to know that the food stands were under his ‘protection?!’”

Because he’s Hibari Kyoya and he thinks he owns everything in Namimori.

If anyone was made for mob life it is defiantly Hibari. The fucker is already running a protection racket and I am fairly certain that he has a stockpile of illegal weaponry hidden away somewhere from all of his ‘conquests.’

....

Actually now that I think about it he probably has it stashed under the school and that’s why he won't fucking leave.

“So you deserved it then,” Takeshi states with brutal glee.

Shamal just sighs, “Of course, I forgot that you're a pack of monsters.”

“Shamal dear,” Miki interrupts, “I see Max over there. I’m going to go help him reconquer the shady grove back from Taro and his brood. Come find me again where your done~” She finishes with a swift kiss on his temple before she runs off.

“It was nice seeing you Inari-chan!”

“You too!”

Once Miki is out of earshot and engaged in an epic food fight against Taro-san and his wife, nine children, and thirty-seven grandchildren, I turn back to Shamal.

“Yo, speaking of our pack of monsters, do you know were Hayato is?”

“Last I saw him he was off by the bridge fighting with a girl over alien shit. That kid has no delicacy with the ladies.”

“Oh good,” Tsuna breaths a sigh of relief, “I was worried when we couldn’t get a hold of him.”

Some happy Bossa Nova beats kick in and a soft smile creeps across his face. He turns into the direction of the bridge.

“We all promised to have fun together at the festival after all. It wouldn’t be fair if Hayato-kun got left out.”

Aw Tsu, you’ve been leveling up your social links, haven’t you?

Seriously, I am so proud of him today.

“Let’s hurry and go find him. And then we can go check out the game booths,” he smiles and starts walking toward the bridge.

“Yeah, Haya-kun gets edgy when we leave him alone for too long,” Takeshi laughs as he trots after Tsuna.

Lambo leaps down from my arms and chases after them, complaining about boring adults and boring talking. ‘Lambo-sama wants cotton candy!”

“Trouble might be starting up again soon,” Reborn states seriously.

Unintentionally interrupting my intent to follow after Tsuna. My feet anchor to the ground as I stand next to him with Futa still holding onto my hand.

Shamal snorts, “I had a feeling when I noticed the Ranking Prince with you.”

Futa moves himself in closer to my side and clutches my shirt. I do my best to make myself look larger and more intimidating for his benefit. Which doesn’t work great because I am tiny as fuck.

For fuck sake, I need to hit a growth spurt at some point!

“You want me to keep a lookout?”

“If you don’t mind terribly,” Reborn answers with words that in no way match his tone of voice. Which even as pitchy as it is carries the very real promise of, ‘do what I say or I will fucking shoot you.’

Shamal raises his hands in submission.

“Gotcha, Gotcha.” He sighs and straightens himself up, “Anything, in particular, I should keep an eye out for?”

“Members of the Estraeno Family and potentially Della Rosa’s agents as well. Considering they have been working together recently.”

“Them again?” He frowns and looks at me and Futa.

I see the moment that something clicks in his head. Probably the realization that no one who is after dangerous mafia secrets and the heir apparent to the most powerful Famiglia in the world will lead to anything good.

“The Estraeno though?” He wonders aloud, “I thought they mostly minded their own business are you sure?”

“They are the ones who killed Andrew, Marco and Gabriella.”

In an instant all of the stupid, dithering idiot vanishes from Shamal’s expression and I am staring at a very dangerous assassin. I hold out my arm in front of Futa to push him a little further behind me.

“You don’t say.”

“They have also recently taken to collaborating with an extremely talented Mist,” Reborn continues, somehow equal parts irritated and detached.

“You must just hate that.”

“But fortunately it’s right up your ally Shamal.”

The manic fiddle that Reborn has been rocking all day has taken on a sharper edge the longer that he has been talking to Shamal. And while this conversation calls for a certain level of intensity I’m getting a little... concerned.

“And, you know, be on the lookout for anyone with crazy heterochromatic eyes who’s moving like they’ve got a bad case of early onset rigor mortis,” I cut in.

Shamal looms at me with raised eyebrows and an unimpressed look, “Arn’t you a little young to be sitting at the grown up table kid? You should probably go run along after Decimo.”

While I find this incredibly irritating and condescending and I will most defiantly get him back for it. I am also simultaneously struck with a feeling of immeasurable relief.

Because this is the first time that I have gotten external confirmation that Reborn is, in fact, a fucking grown man and not a magical infant. Or, fuck, he is but that is semantics.

But not only that. This is the first time that someone has acknowledged this fact in an overt way. And I am so grateful, because if Reborn was actually going through life with everyone thinking that he’s literally a baby that would suck so fucking hard.

There must be some sort of trick to seeing through the Arcobaleno Curse mind wammy.

He had seemed so freaked out when I had called him out on it the other day so whatever it is, it can’t be easy or straightforward.

Okay, now that I’ve had that little mental breakdown, on to the condescension.

“I’m a hundred and four. I’m a fucking highlander. Deal with it prick,” I shoot back at him in irritation.

Only to be met with a blank stare.

“You’re a what?”

“Highlander, you know like Sean Connery?”

The blank stare continues and now I feel Reborn and Futa’s eyes on me as well.

So, I’ve managed to bring down the intensity of this encounter but now I’m having an entirely different issue.

“Sean Connery? James Bond, ‘You Only Die Twice?’ He was in ‘The Last Crusade’ with Harrison Ford too.”

Nothing.

I feel my eye starting to twitch.

“Has no one ever watched a movie before?!”

“Inari-nii ranks number 4 for pop culture references that no one understands.”

I sigh.

At least I’m not alone. I wonder who out there is more fucked than me?

“Thanks for that kiddo.”

“Anyway, Shamal,” Reborn says, breaking us out of this bizarre and endlessly upsetting segue, “Keep an eye out and be prepared to act if need be.”

With that he turns on his heel and starts heading after Tsuna and Takeshi who are now almost out of sight. I am just about to follow after him when I am struck by sharp pain and a shattering orange light as I remember something.

“Yo Doc,” I address Shamal, “ **Did you DO something to Hibari**?”

“Nothing but a little bug bite,” He answers immediately and unthinkingly.

I take Futa’s hand and we leave.

Fuck.

Fuck, fuck, fuck.

This has the potential of getting really fucking bad.

“Inari-nii?” Futa asks.

“Don’t worry about it kiddo,” I grin and hoist him up onto my back, “Let’s go catch up with Tsu.”

* * *

* * *

We find Hayato right where Shamal had said he would be. Outside of a street vendor kiosk having a fight with a girl over cryptozoology. And of course, that girl is Haru.... who is dressed like a squirrel furry.

She’s an interesting girl.

I don’t know exactly what is going on here, but from what I can infer at first glance. This seems like a game of trivia gone wrong.

“It’s obviously a Beholder!” Haru argues waving her one free hand toward the... thing on the table. “You can tell by the stalks.”

“Those are tentacles, you dumb wretch!” Hayato snipes back, “It’s obviously an Atmospheric Jellyfish!”

Both of them have their masks pushed up on top of their heads so that they can better scream at each other. A cat for Hayato. And of course a squirrel for Haru (If it was anything else I would worry about her costume choices... even more so than I already do).

They also each have a hold on one of Tsuna’s arms and are in the middle of tugging him back and forth between them as if they were a couple of preschoolers and he was the much-beloved toy.

Takeshi and Lambo are sitting close by munching on a bag of popcorn. Or, at least Takeshi is. Lambo is doing his very best to pelt Tsuna with said popcorn which is adding an interesting level of torment to his already strange situation.

“Tsuna-sama, you see that it's an Atmospheric Jellyfish right?!"

"Uh," Tsuna, who knows nothing of cryptozoology stares at the thing in question.

"No! Tsuna-san agrees with Haru!" Haru says with a harsh tug back in the other direction, "Right Tsuna-san?"

"Uh!" He's panicking even more now. When he sees us approach he gives me and Reborn a pleading look and mouths the words, 'Help Me.’

“Resolving conflict within the Family is another job for the boss Dame-Tsuna,” Reborn says derisively.

“Trust your instincts Tsuna!” Takeshi calls out to him laughing.

Tsuna whimpers, “I have no idea what this thing is!”

“It’s a Beholder!” Haru reasserts.

“It’s an Atmospheric Jellyfish!” Hayato counters.

“It’s actually neither,” I mutter to Reborn earning myself an amused side-eye.

“You seem rather sure of yourself Monello.”

“Of course I’m sure of myself,” I grin, “I am the biggest sci-fi fantasy geek around here.”

“Prove it,” He challenges in jest.

I narrow my eyes and give him a good long stare. By my own nature, I am unable to turn down a challenge, no matter how ridiculous it might be. It’s why I end up fighting Hibari so much.

“You want me to win you a plushy prize man?” I tease right back.

He laughs outright in place of an actual answer. So I’m going to take this as a, ‘Yeah, sure, go for it you dumb kid.’

I set Futa down on the railing next to Takeshi and Lambo and stroll casually past the squabbling children. And I look down at the little green thing with one big eye. I remember it from long, long ago and far, far away.

It seems like the universe has finally taken pity on me and thrown me a slow ball.

“It’s a brain slug,” I tell the vendor with a crooked smile.

“That is correct!” The vendor bursts out and hands the little brain slug over to me. “Congratulations on your prize!”

I take it and push past the three of them again with a cheeky grin on my face, and I toss it over to Reborn.

“Told ya.” I tell him with cocky bravado.

He snatches it out of the air with his ridiculous reflexes and turns it over with this look of amusement.

“Ridiculous.”

“Yes, yes I am.”

It takes a little while longer for Hayato and Haru to realize that I have defeated them in the contest of geekyness. I am the lord of the geeks all shall kneel before my RPG know how and obscure knowledge about magical creatures.

Tsuna breathes a sigh of relief when they finally let him go and drifts to the ground.

“Inari-san is really smart!” Haru blurts over at me.

“Of course he is,” Hayato snaps, “He’s the bosses right-hand man after all.”

“I’m not sure how I feel about brain slugs being the measuring stick for my intelligence,” I tell them.

Only to be ignored.

Whatever just as long as they are no longer trying to pull Tsuna’s arms off I’m happy. I mosey over the railing that Takeshi and the kids are on and hoist myself up so that I’m balancing on top of it. I’m going to let Tsuna mediate the rest of the stupid argument. Unless the two of them actually do start trying to rip his arms off again.

I tune out as I walk along the narrow beam and start doing a few flips around the bar to amuse Lambo and Futa. We’re going to have to find some games to play soon or else Lambo is going to have a tantrum.

“-Be like a date don’t you think Tsuna-san?” I abruptly tune back in when Haru starts aggressively pushing for a romantic dialogue option with Tsuna. This is awkward, considering he has an actual date scheduled with his actual girlfriend in about two hours.

“I know Tsuna is super cool and all,” I call over to Haru, “But he’s taken.” I don’t really see the point of letting this little delusion run unchecked. That way leads only to more stalking. And we’re trying to put a stop to that.

Haru freezes and stares at me, “Ohmygosh! I’m so sorry Inari-san I didn’t realize that the two of you are together like that.”

I fall straight off the railing and crash into the ground.

“WHAT! NO!” Tsuna shrieks in horror? Mortification? Disgust?

**THE GENERAL FUCKING EMOTION OF NO!!!**

“BROTHER!” I shriek, and ignore the uproarious laughter that is coming from Takeshi, “HE’S MY BROTHER!”

“WE’RE TWINS!” Tsuna cries out in humiliated distress.

“WE LOOK NEARLY THE SAME!”

Haru blinks not looking nearly repentant enough for this grave misunderstanding that she has summoned.

“I thought you might have been doppelgängers that had fallen in love.”

“HIEEEEEEEEEEE!” Tsuna wails, and I am emotionally right there with him.

“He meant Tsuna-sama has a girlfriend, you dumb woman!” Hayato chimes in looking just as embarrassed as me and Tsuna.

“Ohhhhh,” Haru makes a noise of dawning comprehension. “That makes sense.”

And then she looks at me.

“Inari-san, do you want to date Haru?”

Now it’s Takeshi’s turn to fall off of the railing as he laughs so hard he can no longer keep his balance. And he continues to laugh after he hits the ground. The jerk is having way too much fun at my expense today.

I summon up my most deadpan expression as I answer her, not so the heartfelt question, “Sorry not interested.”

She heaves a sigh, but still smiles, “I didn’t think so, but it was worth a shot.”

“I applaud your nerve.”

* * *

* * *

Haru hangs out with us for a little while longer as our group makes our way to the rendezvous point. We play a few carnival games, check out a few stalls, and buy even more sugary snacks.

She heads off when she spots a few of her friends from school but promises to meet up with us again later tonight for the firework display. Haru is an intense individual. But she isn’t all that bad once you move past the obsessiveness and the proclivity toward stalking.

And her great and terrible power to make things as awkward as humanly possible. We can’t forget that.

I’m not sure if Tsuna is ever going to recover from that grave misunderstanding.

We are weaving our way through the crowd again when a pair of arms reaches out and wraps around Tsuna’s midsection, and I have a brief moment of mind-numbing panic before a familiar voice speaks.

“Oh look, I’ve captured an adorable little mouse,” Kyoko giggles and pulls Tsuna close to her.

She is wearing the imposing mask of the lioness. And I see the sharp flash of canines in her smile.

“K-Kyoko-chan!” Tsuna squeaks happily and relaxes into the hug.

“Hello Tsuna-kun, have you been having fun today?”

“Oh, um, yes!” He stammers, while his ears turn red, “How about you?”

I share a look with Takeshi and Hayato and the three of us grab the kids and move to the nearby fishing game to give Tsuna and Kyoko some privy to flirt. Since neither of them seems particularly inclined to ‘get a room.’ They are still the fucking sweetest together though.

They don’t seem to keen to move on right now either. They are holding hands as Kyoko leads them around to different stalls. I am doing my best to keep an eye on everything while also being on the lookout for any suspicious characters.

Which could be literally anyone in this crowd of mask-wearing weirdos.

And then I start hearing a whistle.

It’s nothing really. Just the sound of someone whistling, which isn’t that unusual during a festival. It takes longer than it should for me to realize that I’m not hearing the whistling, I’m HEARING the whistling.

In the dangerous metaphysical way that I do.

And then I recognize the tune as it gets louder and louder. And this isn’t like the instrumentation I hear. The pieces of harmony that people carry around with them. This is laced with a very pointed threat.

This is Richard Wagner’s ‘Ride of the Valkyries.’

It’s the piece that I have my alarm clock set to play.

And before I have a chance to consider what that means a spark of indigo fire is ignited beneath my feet and starts to spread. Neon lines rushing across the ground and over buildings firing up into the sky in a dizzying array as everything is covered in that dizzying rotoscoped effect.

And the sky goes dark.

A hand reaches out from the shadows and wraps itself around my neck pulling me back. It’s covered in rough raised stitches and is missing its ring finger.

I’m shaking.

All around people are looking at the sky and starting to panic.

I can’t see my friends or the kids.

I can’t see Reborn.

I CAN’T SEE TSUNA.

“Tell me Sawada Inari,” A light voice murmurs in my ear as the ice-cold hand presses a little harder into my throat, “Have you thought about your doom today?”

And with what breath I have left I scream blue bloody murder.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Doom Festival has begun and predictably Inari has found himself in peril once again. And while he’s collected a lot of the puzzle pieces he still hasn’t quite been able to put them together in away that will reveal all the arc secrets. 
> 
> Thank you again to everyone for the kudos and comments :D They always make me smile so much!
> 
> As always I love to hear from you so let me know: Questions? Comments? Theories?


	19. Bad Moon Rising (Part Two)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is going to hurt... isn’t it?

You never want to be on the bad end of a surprise round. It never pans out well. And you can bitch all you want that, ‘but I said, I said!’ In the end, it doesn’t matter. The bones lay where they land, the trap can’t be unsprung. And no matter how hard or loud I scream, no one heard it.

Because by the time that hand grabbed me it had already been too late.

The bad moon has risen, and its time to deal with the consequences.

The hand clamps down around my throat with brutal efficacy and absolutely no finesse. My scream is cut short with a strangled ‘GACK’ and my vision narrows down to pinpoints in the middle distance. Darkening at the edges. Tunneling back and back and back.

Hands closing around-

The hand clenches harder and my windpipe is being crushed in the vice-like grip.

Fuck no.

No.

Lightning gathers in the palms of my hand. I’m counting on the remnant glitter to act as a makeshift conduit. But it’s not enough, it’s not sable or sturdy enough, and the current sends a vaguely painful numbness up my arms.

I don’t care.

I don’t care. I need this fucker off of me. I need him off of me now before-

I can’t BREATHE!!!!

I can-

My head cracks on the corner of the desk as hands. Bigger than they should be they feel bigger and meatier than they should be and the body pressing me down is heavier. And they are clamping down on my throat and squeezing until I can’t breathe.

ICAN’TBREATHEICAN’TBREATHEICAN’TBREATHEICAN’TBREATHE

MAKEITSTOPMAKEITSTOPITHURTSMAKEITSTOP

TSUNATSUNATSUANA

Ḩ̴̛̦͈̞̭̥̺̘͓̭̭̩̣͔̩͛̎͊̋͒͛̂͊͗͛̎̂̓̚͠Ȇ̷̡̢̩̹͙͙̺̣̜͇̌͗̾̓̅̽̆̇̍͒͌́̅̓́̓̅́̈́̉̉̅̚͜͝Ĺ̷̛̬͕̹͚̘̼͓̲̘̂̉̈́̽͛̆͊̌̆̆͊̾̔͒̕ͅP̵̡͎̘͕̹̫̭͍̦̞̠̰͉̗͍̻͍̰̱̥͍͙͔̫̌͋̽̐͊̊̎̓̌̍̂̇̅̓̎͗̅̒̈̓̾̑͘̕͝Ḿ̶̨̡̨̦̺̪̯̠̠̯͍͙̣̣̹̜̮͉̼͈̱̮͉̍͗̏͊̂̅́̇É̸̡̛̤͇̭͓̹̤̖̥̮͍̳̮͔̠̱̖̻͔̻̼͐̈́̑̍͆̊̑̓̓̇̿̏̇͂͊̈͘Î̷̡̛̦̠̥̩̟̳̘͇̻͔͉̳͉͂̈́̈́̃͗̏͘͘D̷̢̧̨̧̜̙͕͕̜͍̞̖̭͖͕̲̠̹͉͕̃̍͗̇̓̏͜͝Ơ̷̼͎͕̔͊̓̋̿̈́̑̔̿̂̈́͊͆̒̽̃̄̚̚̚͝N̵̢̞̺͎͔̻̺̹̼͙̻͖̗̬̦̲͕͉̻̣̜̱̱̽̽’̶̧̛͍͇͎̳̠̞̬̤̩̭̹̳͔͐͐͒̈̈́̃͑́́̿̐͊̀̾̿̏͂̄̄͗̚̚͜͝ͅT̸̢̛̲̬͎̩͙̼͙̖̣̱̥̠̼̲̩̯̺̭̉̅̌͌̽̎̈̔͜͝ͅẂ̶̢̡̡̨͉͇̤͙̪̬̻̹͉̯͙͙̥͇͈̺̟̭̺͜A̴̧̨̨̭̭̥̘̘̱̟̦̹͍̓͛͑̋̉̽͐̂̋͑̈́̅̈́̓̎̑̅̆́̔́̊͗̔̓̕͘̕͠Ǹ̵̨̯̞͍̠̰̥̭͉̬̲̭̲͚͎̟̻̀̊̎͊̀͗͂̀̋̀̂͑̌͊̽T̸̢̙͇͇̤̩̞̫̟̮̫̟̩̳̱̙̮͍̥͈̺̣͔̞̓͆̿̈͗́̂͂̑̇͐̐͂̆͋̔̈́̾̂̈́̐̏̅̆̃̀ͅT̵̯̪̯̘̤̺̳̱̪̱̯̪͌͜͜͝ͅO̸̧̨̢̯̮̙̤̲̥̞͓͍͖͕̻̬͓̼̱̝̦̫͓̥̫̮̓͋͂̈́̐͗̚̕D̷̛̪̜̪͎͚͋͛͆̽́̓͊̀̍̕͘͠I̶̢̨̨̹̰̦̘̣̩̩̮̙̦͓͓̦̪͙̪͓̖̠͉͗̿ͅE̶̢̧̮̜̰̦̟̖̫̰̬̥͌̂̑̀̆̓͘̕͝ͅͅĮ̵̧̢̛̱̺͈̯̙̱̰̝̰̼̲͌̀̽͒̆̍̇͛̌̈́̀̎͜͜͝D̵̢̡̦̜̯͉̮͎̤͙̬͔̬̲͈̤͎͈͙̺̳̩̤̓̇̂͒͜͠ͅO̴̡̧̡̳̳̹̩̰̹̻̻̝̯̝͈̟̜͈͍͍͖͈̔͆̍N̸̨̛̛͙̗͕͓̯̲̳͖̼̪͊̋͌̌̈́͑̔͊̀̄͌͝’̴͍́̿̿̾̆͆͒̈̊͋̊́͛͑̐̀̏́́̑̕͝͝Ţ̴̢̦̪̖̠̰̥̘͇̈́̾͋͝Ẉ̶̡̠̰͍̣̺̠͙͉̬͛̒̈̂̔̽̋̓̈́̕͝A̷̢̡̨̱̝̣͈͎̖͉̰͎͉̟̪͖̟̙̠͈̱͘̕Ņ̵̖͖̘̥̥̺̼̫͖̹͍̬͓́̎̆͑̈́̉̽̓́̃̉̆̏̃̈́̆̀͘͘T̸̡̺̯̠͓̭͕̫̳̟̗͉͍̝͍̪̘͇̠̤̞̉̄̀̾͗̔̑̓̽̇̍͗̕T̵̡͍̞͍̹̺͙͕̫̝̬̩͚́̅̊͌̍̓͗̍̈́͊̊̅̉͂̈́̄̕͝Ơ̶̢͔̺̦̱̙̱̳̘͍̬̮̙̪̬̙̅͐͐̀͂̑̔̃͆̌́̓̏͒͘͜͠ͅD̴̼̰͔̮̬̠͔̳̳̹̥̥̦͚̰̣̺̩̥͚̳̖͕̘̟͓̠͉͓͌̄͑̍̍̚I̶͍̬͔͚͍̪͚̹͙̼̰̻̳̞͌̅̂̾͜͜͜Ḛ̵̜̹͇͈͑̑̈́̑̃̈́͘

Lightning cracks heavy and hot in the palm of my hand and without being fully aware I shove it back into the body behind me. It tenses and shutters, and there is a momentary loosening of the grip before it adjusts and I am wrenched around and lifted a foot in the air so that I’m now being straggled at eye level with my assailant.

And above us in this terrible alcove between two stands the moon looms menacing and unforgiving.

The world has been cast into disturbing photonegative adding to the surreality of this moment.

Is this a nightmare?

Something about this fees so familiar.

A sharpness protruding from the raised stitches in the palm of his hand press in to my throat and my anxiety rockets up a few extra levels. It feels hard and not something that should typically be under the skin. What is it?!

There is a profound wrongness to this moment, to this thing, to the way the world has twisted and flipped around us.

But I’m not given any time to think about it, because no sooner does the thought creep across my mind than the hand starts squeezing again. The fingers dig hard into the sides not wrapping all the way around but focusing all the pressure on my windpipe and larynx.

It’s worse than before.

Somehow it’s worse. There is too much pressure all in one place.

It’s going to break. It’s going to BREAK.

ITHURTSPLEASESTOP

TSUNA

REBORN

SOMEONE

HELP

“Bruno had all the finesse of a butcher,” The stitch-man says as me meets my eyes, “But he certainly knew how to inflict fear.”

A Cheshire Cat smile crawls menacingly over a Glasgow smile and heterochromatic red and blue eyes glint in the darkness.

“It always irritated him that you refused to be appropriately intimidated by his imagined authority.”

The grip loosens ever so slightly and I suck in a desperate breath of air while I have the chance. The stitch-man still has me suspended a good two and a half feet off of the ground by my throat and the pressure is still present though somewhat more bearable. 

“I don’t think he ever suspected how irrelevant he actually was. They never really were all that good with resource management. All ambition,” the hand clenches again and I chock.

“No brains.”

I reach up and sink my nails into the wrist and forearm. Digging my thumb as hard as I can into the mass of taught tendons in the wrist. This thing doesn’t even flinch. The illusionist grins at me with a strangers face.

Like I amuse him somehow.

“Lucky for them, new management has a much broader vision. And even poor Bruno was relevant in the end,” he starts squeezing even harder and my vision starts to bleed out into black, “Though being dispatched by one of the legendary Arcobaleno was probably a little too good for the likes of him don’t you think?”

I don’t answer. I can’t. He’s strangling me.

Like a fucking megalomaniacal dick.

“My apologies I don’t know my own strength, or well, his strength,” the stitch-man’s hand loosens again, but I am still being held and suspended in the air by my fucking neck and it is starting to get really, really painful.

“Fuck’n di’k,” I manage to spit out through the pressure and the pain.

“Delightful.”

The flash of irritation and rage that I feel toward this person spikes so hard and so fast that without thinking I am once again unleashing a massive current of electricity directly into the arm that is grabbing me.

It’s a sick fucking light show.

And I feel a little like Doctor Frankenstein as I do it (what with the corpse and the lightning), but unfortunately for me this particular corpse doesn’t seem to fucking react...like at all this time. It just keeps standing there staring at me like an impassive piece of shit.

Well, fuck you too stitch-man.

My arms drop down to my sides twitching ever so slightly and smoking in a somewhat concerning way. Should my own magic fire backfire on me this much? Somehow I don’t think so.

The stitch-man’s other arm raises and the hand brushes my cheek in a mocking show of affection. It feels absolutely repulsive. The hand is cold and clammy and mutilated to the point where it is only a hand in the vaguest sense.

Behind us, in the street, there are the sounds of anxiety and fear that have given way to cheers of excitement. It’s Doom Day after all, what is a little celestial compared to some of the shit that has gone on in the past.

No one had heard me scream.

The only thing that is keeping me even remotely functional right now is the rage. I’ve got nothing else. Once I burn through this I’m pretty much just fucked.

Tsuna, if there was ever a time to tap into that twin telepathy it is now. Right now. Because I am in some serious fucking peril.

There are a few synthetic popping sounds followed by cheers as the sky lights up in brilliant indigo. Illusory fireworks burst in the sky and shower down upon the psychically drunken masses.

Me and my captor are also briefly illuminated before our little alcove of despair are plunged back into relative darkness.

“Unfortunately for you dear Arno tragically no longer has functioning pain receptors,” The smile twists into something darker and curler, transforming the already horrifying face into something worse. “Though I applaud your initiative.”

“Su’ks f’r him,” I wheeze out.

The heterochromatic eyes blink up at me in curious appraisal.

And then I am abruptly dropped onto my ass.

I don’t have time to process any further than that though because the next moment my left arm is grabbed and wrenched and twisted behind my back. He pulls up, up, up until there is a sickening pop in my shoulder and my vision turns to orange and static.

“Kufufufu~” He laughs a familiarly unsettling laugh, and if I wasn’t sure who I was dealing with before I am now.

“Oh dear, was that a little rough for you?”

Condescending. Piece. Of. Shit.

“Only so much you can do while riding shotgun I guess,” I rasp out. “And by the way do I get to know who I’m being assaulted by today or should I just go with ‘the corpse formally known as Arno?”

And, god, talking hurts like fire and it feels like there is something tearing or torn in my throat. But the longer that I keep him talking the better chance there is that someone will notice that shit has broken all kinds of bad.

C’mon, guys, I’m sending out a fucking S.O.S here.

“Corpse?~” He trills antagonistically.

“Locomotion ain’t bad, but your meat suit isn’t breathing.”

The stitch-man lurches over me. The other arm coming around the wrap around my neck in the promise of a chock hold. It shudders and then it exhales.

It smells of rot and decay and I wretch and gag from how disgusting it is. It only succeeds in further irritating my already ruined throat.

“Thank you for the reminder little Vongola,” he says with more threat than thanks, “sometimes I forget.”

That’s me full of helpful suggestions.

“...You can think of me as New Management.”

Great. Perfect.

“Does new management have a name of his own? Or are you a fucking corporate hive-mind?” I belligerently fire back.

And regret it almost immediately as my arm is twisted even further and there is another concerning ‘pop’ sound from inside my shoulder, followed by another flash of orange and static.

“I don’t think you fully appreciate the situation you find yourself in,” the lightness has completely left his voice now replaced with the brutal threat and malevolence.

I scream, but hardly any sound comes out my voice cracks and breaks on the first high note and then gives out entirely. Pain and fear are really starting to replace the anger now and I am starting to shake.

Calm down.

Fucking calm down.

I have been in worse situations before. Not by much but this still isn’t the worst. I could probably still get away. But considering the hold he has me in right now it is going to hurt like hell.

He grabbed the wrong arm though. My bag of tricks is on my right and my right arm is free. I just need to get something that will help me.

Like a ray gun, so I can blast this fuckers head off.

“Kufufufufu~ Have you gone and hurt yourself again? You really are such a graceless child.”

“Ju’s tryin’ to make conversation,” I manage to say. And, no, something defiantly feels really wrong in my throat now. “I’m friendly like that.”

“...Since you’ve already seemed to have worked some of this out you can call me Mukuro if it means so very much to you.”

I knew it.

I knew it, but I am still terrified to have it confirmed.

``Rokudo Mukuro only a million times more terrifying than he ever was before. And now apparently going by the moniker ‘New Management,’ which is somehow even more unsettling than literally naming himself corpse.

“So ‘Mukuro’ what the fuck do you want?”

I don’t know what I’m expecting. An evil monologue? His plan laid out before me step by step like the villain of a Saturday morning cartoon? I don’t get either of those things. What I get is one final wrench of my arm and the feeling of something tearing out of place. And sound is replaced by a roaring in my ears as everything goes distant and faded.

Dislocated now. It has to be dislocated. Cartilage and bone grind to get her in a sickening way that make my stomach lurch again. My body convulses at the overload of pain. My ‘free’ hand that I had been trying to dig in my bag with reflexively goes to reach for my now ruined shoulder, but something sharp is staring to press into my throat again. This time protruding from somewhere in the stitch-man’s forearm. What is it?

What is this thing?

‘The corpse formally known as Arno Estraeno.’

‘New Management.’

“Nothing from you,” Mukuro snarls, “not YET at least.”

Bearing down hard on me now.

AIRAIRINEEDAIRNOWINEEDAIRNOWPLEASEICAN’TBREATHE

The world starts spinning dangerously as he starts walking me forward out of this dark space closer to the street. Everything is covered in a layer of neon indigo. Pulsing lines of power like networking grids mirroring the moon in the sky. There are things that have been constructed that aren’t actually there is a wall or something directly in front of us that has been constructed to hide us from view.

In the street people have started to go about their business again. For the most part, ignoring the giant moon that is now hanging above us.

And Tsuna.

I see Tsuna. He’s still there with Kyoko and the kids and the guys are close by. Reborn has perched nearby and is watching then all desperately attempt to defeat what looks like the balloon pop game.

They’re okay.

...

It’s just me that’s fucked.

“TSU-GAK-“

My call is cut short as the forearm crushes into my larynx with brutal efficacy cutting me off.

And something cracks.

I cough and chock and gag on what feels like a rock.

“Now, now, don’t go ruining the surprise that’s just rude.”

The world flashes in and out of focus.

Tsuna.

Reborn.

Someone.

Please.

“They all seem to be enjoying themselves... without you. Though I suppose that makes sense considering Tsunayoshi is Vongola Decimo and you are just... expendable parts.”

My heart stops.

I̸̼̪͊́͂͌͊̀ẗ̸̞̟̲̣́̿̊́̊̍͛͜h̶̨͖̺̣͍̤̻̪̀̎̐̔̑̓͛a̷͉̗̟̓̏͊̕͜ͅs̸̶̢͇̝̭͎̗̿͂̏͐̇̄͗́͒̄͝ͅt̷̗͇̟͎̣̲͚͙͂͝ẻ̵͈͙̟͓̪͙̹͌͆̀͐̀̈̅e̸͔̭̐t̶̲͚̪̪̿̾̽̂͛̊̚ḧ̴̤̺̫̯͇̩́͑̅̽͘̚.̵̢̨͙̦̩̘̽͊̄͒͌͂͠͠

“Cassandra finally decided that it would be easier to cooperate with me. Good thing too poor girl there isn’t much left of her now, and it would have been worse if she kept resisting.”

Ī̸̡̭̟͕͍͖͖t̴̢͚̩̫̩͌̋͐́ ̸̢͈͓̮͔̀h̶̡̝̯̖̺̽̔̎͜ͅa̵̢̟͖͂ṣ̵̫̲̓́̎̄̆͠ ̸̧̩̬͍̂̃̒̀͗é̷͉͔͉̯͎̗̑͑́̏͊͝ͅy̶̧̪̟̗͎̟͌͛͒̿̐̐̂̚ẽ̷̡̿ṡ̵̙͉̍͂͊͊̿̚

“She knows such fascinating things you know? Though I suppose she would after being involved with a man like Federico for over a decade.”

I̴̳̗̳͈̘̗̒̈́͂t̷̨̡̧̖̦͔̤̩̏̓̈́̂̐͂̃͝’̷̛̗̙͖̖̩͖͒͒̆́͐̕ͅs̸̘̞̳͙͔̙̅̕ ̵̡̩̝̼̻̄̒̊͆̋͂̇͝ẅ̶̢̛̦̟̭͇̿͊͑̐̕͝a̶̦̹̓̈́͗̂͊̏t̸̤̣̀̎͛͘͝c̸̛̰̯̙͇͆̓̏̍͐̋̇h̶̰̿ͅi̵̧̞̍̃̅̊͂ͅņ̶͍̮̦̯̏́̈́͛̍͘ĝ̵̡̟̳̻̙̳̤̘̈́ ̷̫̤̘͂̀͋̂̅̍̕ͅw̵̞̱̗̻̟̯̬͗͗̏̆͑̕͠ḁ̵̣̤̓̈̏̍i̴̡̡̭̩͇̹̭̹̍̐̂̏ẗ̴͍͍̊͗͌̔̇̆͠ĩ̵̛͉̪̱̈͐̽̈́ņ̷̧̞̭̯̣̚ǵ̵̰̥̦͎͇͓̿ ̸̡̀̈́̇̅͆̈̀͝a̴͈̮̦͕̟̖̓̿̍͘n̴̼̓̋̇͐̉͜d̸͎̼́̐̎͘ ̸͈̤͕̟̣̽̈́̚̕͝͝í̴̥̣̞̱̖̑̑͂̓͠t̴̰̐͐’̶̞̠̩̩̗͙̂̓͝s̶͔͂̏ ̶̩̞̦̾̍̆͝ẖ̴͊̍ù̵͙̼͚̭̪n̵̨̢̬͇͓͎̭͗̐̈́̋͗͂́̕g̸̥͈͓̭̱͔̱̀̒̊̚̚r̶͔̗̉̃y̷̧̠̫̗͒̑͗́͊̂͜ ̵̡̙̪̰̈ā̷̗̗͎̼͊̐͠l̴̡̙̚w̷̢̧͈͚̦̯͐͑a̷̗̭͇̜̥̭̻̓͑̔̋y̵̘̥͋͆ş̶̧̡̱̙͇̩̯́́̉͐̈́̚͝ ̴̢̯̹̣͚͋̐̇̈͌͘͜h̸̺̪̫̃̏̿̒̓͆̈̕͜ṵ̷̱̐́̈́̆̒̊̑̂n̵̢͖͉̰̭̗͑͐̍̂̾̕͠͝g̸̥͎̱̞͇͋ṟ̷̨̘̹̤͚́ÿ̷̛͉͎̙̰̣̩̟͚̀͌̈́̋

“All of Vongola’s well-guarded secrets, all neat and tidy inside that pretty little head of her’s. I wonder if they even know.”

E̵̫̩͇̺̘̼̩̼͛͛͐m̴̡̜̜͓̟͇̪̂͂͗̏̎͝p̵͓͇͍̗͚̖̜͔̄͊̈͐t̷̡̧̟̤̹͕̺͓̎̅́̃͝y̸͚̻̭̅̽͝ ̵͙̼̎͛̊̾͠ǫ̵̞̝̼̞͚̻̌n̷͚̟̝̈́͜ ̷̠̟̼̣̩̣͖̞̃͛̾ṭ̶̖͙̎͌́̏͌̇͛̊h̸̡̻͕͔̞̥̱̭͌̿̀̈̏͐̓̚e̷͇̞̊̄̍̏͑̓͠ ̷͍̽̀̅͝͝i̶̮͌̀͒ņ̸̡̮̤͒̽͆̔̍͝s̴̖̝̳͖̤̿í̷̦̓̌̃́̓̕̕d̴̛̦͖̱̜͊̐̿͝ę̵̛͉̥̫̦̟̊͐̉̇̒̋,̴͕̒̓͒ ̷͕̥̼͈̻̮͕̬́̓̊͘͝͝j̶̢̛̟̻̠̜̫͈ű̵̟̄̾͑̀̈́́͝ṡ̸̭͖̣̰̠̍t̴̨͍͔̀ ̵̡̡͓̇̈́͗ẻ̸͎̥̓̀̈̍̊m̷̞̅̀͂̀͋͂͠p̷̛̣̽́͗̀͂̈́͒ṭ̶̙͔̺̩̟̻̙͘ÿ̶̪͚͍̦́̓̏͜ͅ

“No, your right, they are much too incompetent for that. Vongola. The mafia. An empire built atop pillars of sand.”

A drumbeat frantic and fearful bursts out of me.

Help.

Please, if this is real, if this is something, someone please help me.

“I just need a few things. Errands really. Just the boy and the book and I’ll be on my way. I’ll even leave your dear brother and your friends alone to enjoy this celebration to the Hell Moon. And they will find you... eventually.”

FUTA!

Reborn looks in the direction of this stupid illusory wall or whatever the hell this thing is that is blocking me from their view. And for a brief moment hope wells in my chest.

And then it dies.

Because things abruptly get so much worse.

I watch as something walks out from me. It looks like a computer-generated copy of myself, only made of indigo blue gridlines.

“It’s convenient that the Little Prince and the Arcobaleno trust me so completely,” Not-Me says with a cheerful laugh.

The stitch-man lets out a repulsive throaty chuckle, “I suppose I lied about not needing anything from you. But then it’s not really you that I need. It’s your face.”

My breath quickens, rattling painfully in my throat. Getting caught in the damage. It feels like drowning, it feels like I’m drowning.

I watch as IT, the thing that is Not-Me walks confidently out from behind the wall and starts to head toward my brother, my friends, MY PEOPLE.

Get away from them!

I try to lunge forward to grab Not-Me, but all I succeed in doing is press my mangled throat further into the chock hold. The world greys out again and my brain goes to static.

STOPITSTOPITSTOPIT

“Kufufufufu~”

Monster.

You fucking monster.

I stare helplessly as Not-Me weaves through the crowd until it comes to a stop next to the balloon pop game that my Family has congregated around to cheer on an impromptu competition between Kyoko and Takeshi.

This is-

I know what this thing is going to do.

I know what Mukuro is going to do.

I know what he is going to use my face to do and I can’t let it happen like hell am I going to let this happen!

Monster

“You don’t mind right?” Mukuro laughs cruelty into my ear, “Just say the word and I’ll stop.”

‘Stop!’ I try desperately to say it, but it’s no use, no sound is coming out.

And if things didn’t feel like a nightmare before they do now.

This can be fixed right?

Someone can fix this right?

I need to be able to talk, I just, I need too. It’s what I do. I’m the idiot that talks a lot. It is one of the only ways I have to not go crazy inside of my own head I need to be able to talk I need-

I need to focus this isn’t important right now.

Futa is important.

This thing wearing my face is the bigger problem.

Priorities.

I can worry about stupid shit like talking later.

This isn’t happening.

This isn’t going to continue.

And actually fuck this.

I brace my feet against the ground and slam my elbow back into the Stitch-man’s gut. And despite the fact that Arno, or whoever the fuck this guy is, does not have functional pain receptors it still reacts to impact.

There is a sharp exhale of air and suddenly there is a gap between its arm and my throat. Space enough to slide my free hand in between and grab the forearm.

This next bit is going to hurt. There really isn’t any way around it. But fuck it right? It’s an arm. It’s an arm that is already fucked. Fucking it up a little bit more isn’t going to matter much in the long run.

It’s nothing compared to Futa’s life. Nothing compared to whatever horrible thing Mukuro has planned for him. And I know he has something planned, he wouldn’t go through all this trouble if he didn’t have plans.

This is kind of an awkward position to work with, but I guess I can’t get choosy considering my alternative seems to be mutilation and death.

But once I caught an entire Takeshi as he fell at terminal velocity. I’ve gone toe-to-toe with Hibari Kyoya for over a year and a half now and have lived to talk about it. And according to Futa’s magical book of statistics, I am the sixty-ninth strongest person in the entire god damn mafia.

However unbelievable that might be.

And I am going to throw this corpse man on his fucking ass!`

In two swift movements, I kick back, knocking his foot out from under him and throwing off his balance enough that he starts to fall over me. I duck down and with all the strength that I have I use my arm to toss this literal dead weight off of me and on to the ground.

I have no words to properly describe what it does to my shoulder.

I can’t feel my left arm at all right now.

But on the plus side, it is still attached to me.

So, hey, that’s something.

The body hits the ground hard and I take off running faster than I have ever moved in my entire life.

Mukuro screams something after me, but it gets swallowed by the sounds of the festival. Talking and laughing and shouting punctuated by bursts of music.

I see IT there that thing. Not-Me. It’s talking to Hayato as the group continues to watch Takeshi and Kyoko attempt to break the balloon popping record. It’s standing much too close to my brother. And it has its arm around Futa’s shoulder.

And even Reborn is looking at it with something like fond exasperation.

THAT ISN’T ME!

YOU DUMB FUCKING ASSHOLES!

When this is all over I reserve the right to kick all these fuckers in their literal assess.

I’m getting close, I’m almost there. I just need to punch that thing in the face and then-

“Kufufufufu, you really are a tenacious one~”

Another pulse of indigo light erupts from beneath me and those grid lines start to crawl up and over me. Behind me, Mukuro continues to laugh like a lunatic. I can’t help but turn and give him a withering glare. Megalomaniacal asshat. Who actually cackles like that in real life?

“I’m going to enjoy watching Castor and Pollux murder each other~” And then he vanishes into the darkness like the creeper he is.

Are all illusionists creepers? Or is it only just the ones that I know?

Whatever, places to go, terrible body doubles to beat the shit out of.

* * *

* * *

Now I don’t know exactly what my face looks like right now. Or what my anything looks like right now thanks to the internal perspective on this illusory suit that Mukuro has been ‘kind’ enough to make for me. But going by the the screams of terror and the fleeing some people are doing when they lay eyes on me I’m going to go with ‘Mad Science Monstrosity.’

Which I guess fits since Mukuro alluded pretty hard to the fact that he has taken over management of the monster factory in Naples.

There are actually more people sticking around to point fingers at me though. And I think I heard one kid say, ‘It’s the space demon come to eat our souls!’

At least I’m thematic?

I’m going to kill Mukuro for this though. Right after I kill Not-Me. Because if I was unsettled before it is nothing compared to the gut-wrenching terror that I feel when I look at something wearing my face and trying to take over my life.

It’s watching me now as I approach the party. It has this stupid haughty smile on its/my face. I hate this thing. I hate this thing as I have never hated anything else in my life. It probably has something to do with the whole existential uncertainty I am perpetually dealing with.

But I digress.

I look at Tsuna.

Tsuna looks back at me and his eyes are filled with fear, anxiety, and that hard edge of determination that I am usually super jazzed to see.

I jab my finger at where Not-Me and Futa are standing a step behind the rest of the group. Not me has grabbed Futa’s arm with way more force than is called for. Careful with him, he’s a kid with kid bones.

“Fuck you!” I snarl.

But it comes out as, “Fuuu raaaah-“

This whole not being able to talk is going to drive me crazy.

Tsuna, Bro-Bro, my heart, if there was ever a time for you to tap into that patented Vongola intuition, NOW IS THAT TIME.

I have been doing my best to hit drum beats at Tsuna, at Reborn (who is staring at me warily with his gun in his hand), at the rest of my Family. Nothing though, at this point I’m not sure if this music thing that I hear is even a thing at all or if it is just a figment of my fractured consciousness and I am in fact just completely and totally insane.

....

This is what happens when I can’t speak. I start spiraling inside of my own head. Just wait in a couple of minutes I will be having an entire debate over baroque versus romantic musical styles and how Beethoven was an absolutely epic composer, but Bach is the only kind of mathematics that I can get behind. Because, dude, I can zone out in Bach’s compositions and-

**Focus, idiot, focus.**

**This isn’t the time for place. Look at your Family they are straight up going to murder you right now.**

I’m drowning in endorphins, my arm is hanging on by fucking tendons, and I don’t think I’m getting enough oxygen to my brain right now thank you very much, Mr. Logic.

**Fuck you, Tsuna is talking to you right now!**

Oh, right, thanks, me.

“W-who are you?” Tsuna demands with a stutter, “What do you people want with Futa-kun?”

That hurt more than I thought it would.

But at the same time, I am going to take this as a blank cheque for if/when I survive this clusterfuck. Tsuna will be doing all my chores for a year. He will be buying me that new Pokémon game that’s coming out during the Christmas season. He will be watching bizarre 1930’s American comedies with me without any subtitles.

“I’m your brother you moron,” is what I want to say, unfortunately with the crushed voice box it comes out sounding more like, “Rw ar gack nomv.”

And, you know, sounding like an actual zombie doesn’t help my case against the imposter at all.

“Stand back Tsuna-sama!” Hayato shouts and jumps to the forefront wielding his capsule explosives and hissing like an angry cat, “I’ve got this!”

I stare back at him with vague incredulity.

Good job Hayato. You protected your boss real good. But unfortunately for you, I am reserving the right to break your nose f you throw C4 at me.

I throw my arms open in what I am hoping is an adequate way of communicating the sheer levels of ‘what the fuck’ this entire situation has resolved into. Why am I the only person in this team of fools that can see through shitty illusions?!

Apparently, this action is much more threatening in this form because they all collectively brace themselves.

Takeshi and Kyoko step up next to Hayato. Kyoko has the game darts laced through her fingers like Wolverine’s claws and they are all glowing with sparking golden light. Takeshi swings his magical bat of transmutation turning it into its sword form, which he then levels at me. A wash of blue light travels down the blade like a waterfall, accompanied by the furious tolling of bells.

Takeshi, bro, dude. We have known each other since we were six. We have shared everything from juice boxes to underwear. We survived the Little Explorers together. And I swear to the Eldritch God who hast cursed me if you decapitate me I will haunt you. I will haunt you in the worst possible way. I will haunt you like a terrible soap-opera ghost. I will ruin every pot of rice you try to make. I will manifest myself with enough ectoplasmic might to hide comical sex toys around your room for your dad to find and ask you terribly awkward questions about.

“If you want Tsuna or the kid you’ll have to go through all of us,” Takeshi says, joining in on the group intimidation check. He looks appropriately wolffish and threatening. “I think that’s what you meant Haya-kun?” He finishes by chirping antagonistically at his feline-themed counterpart.

Because he is an asshole who cannot help himself.

“Who are you calling ‘Haya-kun’ baseball moron?” Hayato challenges darkly, apparently forgetting my existence as he turns his wrath onto Takeshi.

And these idiots might not be able to see my face right now, but I am giving them the biggest stink eye. This really isn’t the time to be squabbling kids. If I was actually an Estraeno monstrosity I would have already killed you because you are more interested in ripping on each other than ripping my guts out.

...

Not that that is a terrible thing at this moment. But it is the principal of the matter.

I send a somewhat desperate look over in Reborn’s direction. He is still watching all this fuckery unfold with his magic chameleon revolver in hand. He hasn’t shot me yet which is a bonus. However, he is also looking at me like he might change his mind in the very near future.

Remind me to come up with an ‘incase my face is ever stolen by an illusionist and I am transformed into a terrible monster,’ hand signal that I chan share with him. It will save me the trouble the next time something like this happens.

There is a flash of golden light in the corner of my eye and I only have half a second to dodge out of the way as Kyoko’s sunshine enchanted darts come flying at me slamming into the pavement creating literal craters.

With plastic kiddie darts.

Jesus Christ Kyoko! I thought we were buds! Can you not for once go straight into overdrive! Remember we stared in an action spy thriller together in an alternate timeline? At this rate we will never get around to finishing that sequel.

Six more darts fly at me with deadly accuracy and burst into the pavement as I just barely manage to dance my way around them. Fissures of golden light burst forth in spiderweb patterns at each point of impact.

Kyoko is such a badass.

I don’t even care that she’s trying to kill me right now. She is at least competent about it.

“Boys, can we save the banter until we finish him please?” She asks sweetly as she bares her fangs.

Kyoko really is the only competent one of us chuckle-fucks.

“Sorry Sasagawa,” Takeshi laughs, not sounding sorry in the least.

Hayato grumbles and I find my self suddenly dodging and weaving through a barrage of flash bangs and explosives that has most of the onlooking crowed scattering.

All the while, Not-Me is standing there behind the rest of them digging his nails into Futa’s shoulder with a disturbingly gleeful smile and proving absolutely no color commentary.

C’mon guys. If there was ever a tip-off that something has gone awry it should be me not talking. The day I’m not providing witty observations and continuous banter is the day that the world is ending.

I make an attempt to lunge past the lot of them only to be stopped by the vicious swing of a sword that has me careening back into a booth. Because, holy shit, that came close to cutting off my stupid useless arm. And while my feelings toward stupid useless arm are less than kind right now, I have a feeling that I will, in fact, miss it in the morning if it were to be removed by the sword wielding maniac that is Takeshi.

Now, if it is still broken and lacking feeling and yet in excruciating pain tomorrow I just might let him slice the dumb thing off.

**Please don’t go the dismemberment route. It never turns out well.**

How so?

**The robotic replacement usually malfunctions and tries to kill you nine times out of ten.**

And the other one time?

**It’s a fucking robot arm which is cool, but phantom pain is a bitch to deal with. Trust me, stick with the fleshy arm.**

Fine.

I sprint back at Takeshi and slam my foot into his midsection sending him flying back into Hayato. And both of them tumbling back into the ring toss game. They land hard behind the partisan and suffer the consequences of a shower of rubber ducks pelting them on the head.

Morons.

I change my trajectory again. Making a b-line toward Not-Me and Futa. He has been slowly edging away this whole time and is getting dangerously close to pulling Futa completely out of sight.

I’m getting close.

It takes some doing to avoid Kyoko’s relentless attacks. Though I’m luckily that she’s decided to test out range attacks today and isn’t just wailing on me with brute Sun Flame powered force.

Because that girl once kicked down an entire tree with very little effort. And if today has taught me nothing else it has taught me that even though I am more resilient than the average asshole, my bones are still breakable.

I’m almost there-

“Don’t just stand there like an idiot Dame-Tsuna,” Reborn says.

A shot rings out.

Deafening and familiar.

Because of course, this isn’t terrible and heart-shattering enough as it is.

Tsuna lets out that roar of rage and determination, “PROTECT FUTA WITH MY DYING WILL!”

The blow comes before I can properly brace for it, clocking me hard and fast across the back of my head and sending me flying forward and skidding painfully across the ground. My exposed skin scrapes and tears against the concrete and I feel oozy and drippy.

Is my head still there?

W̵̜͓͑̀̋͒̽̃̅͆̈́̒̚͘͘͠͝h̷̛̝͋̓̂̐́̈́̐̑͐͑͂͝a̸̞͇̲̗̰̠̖͈̹̽̀̇̏͜ṫ̵̪͙̼̺̲͓̙̙̩̪͉̭͕̮͋̑͝ ̷̡̢̨͚̝͇̏͐͘̚̚h̶̢̖̫͚̝̙͙̹͇̝̖͔̓ͅa̷̗͖̣̻̯̝͕̙͊̊̐͛͝p̸̢̨͕̣̩͚͉̭̬̲̪̞̲̪̬̈͊p̵̰̪̤̫̮͙͍̯̂̊͑̽̎ê̵̫̪͉̝͔͑͌̈̈́̀̐̈́͋̆̑̕͘͝n̷̠̱͕͇̙̱͍̻͔͂̅̂̑͑͜s̵̢̤͕͙͉͉̺͚̋̿̈́̚ ̷͇͔͖̤̺̗͕̮͍̦̏̽͗̇̀̀͆͆̇͘i̵̻̪͓̮͍̪̤͋̾̒̍ͅf̸̙́̐͐̾̐̈̋͂̀̏̈́̕͝ ̶̧̡̨̝̬̥̬̣̖̤̩̭̻̙̅̈̎̃̈́͊Í̵̧̩͔͇̼̲̲̣̺̗̣͍̆͌̀͗̒̔̌̏͌͆͆̕͘ ̶̛̼͚̺̬̼͂́͊̊̒͌͜d̴̠̘̯̫̱̱͍̼̭̫̦͍͊̀́̂͌̊r̸̘̽͋̑̃̓͐͒̌̿͛́͑i̷̧̠̜̲̞̮̺̩̲͚̲̯̓̌͜͜n̶̢̡̯̠̻̑͛̏͂̂͋̃̓͘͝k̷̩̣̆̀́̈́͋́̃̈́̃͑̀̚͜ ̶̲̻̹̱͖̩̀͌͊̎͒t̴̡̳͔̘̖̥̖͔̼̟̆̌̾̍͒̉̽͋̒̊̽̀͘͜͝ḫ̵̯̮͎̗͎̓͌̋͂̀͒̅̒̈́͌̀́̑i̶͙͓̳̫̮͆̎͜͠s̸̫̩̩̯͔͎̠̻̪̥̾̋͛̽̈͂͒̐́̐̅͒͊̄̚?̷̨̪̠͖̙͚͎̳͈̖̦̥̃͗͊̈́̊́̏͊͒͜

Something feels wet and sticky in my eyes. The world is swimming and the moon is laughing.

Ȉ̴͍͂̃ẗ̸̨̡̺͈͈͚̤̲͓̘͈̿̓̆̅̅̋̀̑̿͘͝͠’̴̡̹̞̼̬̹̗͙̬̗̯̑̀̀̇̿͊̆̾͘͝͠s̵̡̥͕̥̺̤͉͚̬̣̘͎̀́̔̌͐́͂̍͠ ̶͈̬͓̺͐̈̔̐͒͋̿y̶͙̒̐̃͑̇͑͐ò̴̲͍̠̞̟̝͕̺̺͙͙̐́̾̚͜u̴̢̫͖̻̠̬͚̱̞̥͎̻͋̅̈́̌̐̓̄̄̏̌̕͠ṟ̴̢̧̟͓̦̘̘͓̥̖̞͐͊̽͂͆̋̄̀̒̈́͛̐̇͠ͅ ̶̨̞̰̠̱̯͛̾̉̂͆̐̍̑̏͝m̵̡̡͚̫͎̻͈̭͚̪̭͑̈́̇o̷̻̦͍̰͇̳͚̞̗̯͙̹̖͆͐̒̇͛͂̓͌͝v̸̛̪͔͆̊̀͐̈́̑̐̆͗͊̽͝ë̸̱́̾̂̈́̎͊̾-̵̢̣̭̘̳̯͈̯̼̬̥̻̝̖̍̓̄̿̅̿̅̃́͘

Somethings wrong.

M̴͚̲̫̳̪͇̫̉̈̓͗̀o̵̖͇̦̯̣͖̩̠͐̆̇̎̊̒̉́̐ŗ̶̣̬͎͉͍̰̦̎͗͌̊̄̃o̶̢̧̟̪̠̠̰̓̋̓̈́̇͛͊͜͠n̷̨̳̼̤̞͉̳̰̟̬̿͊,̸̡͓̮͖̰̪̤͎͉̥̽̉̍͐̓͑̐͐͂͆̋̕ͅ ̴̜͓̭͎̞͙̼̅̏̌͒͒̔̂̋̄̐̏ͅā̶̛͎̂̏̑́̍͂̓r̷̳̭̖͖̮̥̞̝̱̝̻̝̲͕͛̄̐́̈͒̒͒̈͗́͆́̕͘ȩ̷̨̫͚̮̙̮̜̱͚̯̮̠̻̌̔̇́̃͋̊̊̓̚̕ ̶̢͚͉͚͙̤̩̜̟̤̌͐͜y̷̡̨̛̛̘̻̾̉́́̎̀̾͘̕o̶̡͖͚̹̲̻̭̻̽̊͜ų̴̗̀̆̅͊͑̊̽͛̋͌̌̚͠ͅͅ ̴̡̧̗͚̫̰̘̦̳̩̘̹͙̌͗̊̓̎̈̚ͅḧ̶̻̼̫͍͖̱̳̆͐̇̄̓̑͊̽͜͝o̶̡̨̩̰̙̙̾͆̈̅͗͊̀̈́͂̓̀͝͝ǹ̶͓̞̣̤̻͎͚̱̯͇͈̞̮̥̈́̓ẻ̵̻̘s̴̛̰͎̝̯̓̀͂̽̃̕t̴̨̧̡̢͈̱̣̖̯̳̲̕l̵̥̦̫̞̞̞̩̫̽̄̿̊͒̒̍̄̈́̓̋̌̏y̷̧̡̭͔̞̠̭͑̃͗̓̅͒̀̒̈́͠ ̵̡̢͖̼͙͚͓̝̘͕̤̹̋̈́̇͒̓̓̿̏̄̈̽̚̕͠ͅt̷͖͈̰̤̠̘͉̀̒̏͝ͅr̵̡̝̮̦̜̪̅͋̎͑͐y̷̦̫͍̙̺͔͐̌̽̎̋̀͒̕̚͜͝į̶̪̪̭̘͉̭̙̭̭̑̿̀͋̎̆̕͝n̵̢̢͓̞̝̱̝̪̦̘̼̈́̑̋ĝ̴̡̧̛̤̠͕̰̲̹̘̩̰̀̀̑̉̈̓͘͝ ̴̗͉̖̭̰͙̲͇͙͉̊̿̓ͅṫ̷̨̞̥͛́͊͘o̴͔̳͎̯̓͗̔̉͗͝ ̷̡͇͚̜̳̪͇̗͒͒͊͆̎͜͜ď̵̝͔͉̩̱̖̟̖̣̞̏̈́̍̓̅͝͝ͅͅi̸̢͚͍̞̲͕̭̲̪̼̠̲̖̬̽̈́́͗̕ŝ̶̢͖̪̍̽̇͑̎̉ͅp̶̖͌u̴̧̠̗͍̱̣͖̟̥̤̪̎̿̈́̐̔̂́͒̓͜t̵͎͙͇̯̘̺͙͎͇̭̠̯̲͈́̅̄͂͝ë̵̛̛̫̹̬͙̌̓́̈́̉̀͒́̋͘͝ ̷̡̬̥̠͔̺̟̻̥̂̆͒̄̌̑͠s̷̢̨͈̗͈̗̈́̂̒̽̚͘ĉ̵͇̪̫̣̘̳̥͔̠͜ỉ̴̢̬̭̙̤̲̻̭͚̳̪̭͜e̷͖̓́̄̈́̑͂̊͝ņ̸̧̜͍̱̪̯̮̻̪̦͆̈́͆̚c̵͉̝͍̤̖̹̳̀͋̈̈́́̈̿ȩ̷̨̨̠̙͇̏ ̸̧̥̤̳͈͕̗̽͗̏̍̍͊͑̕͜͜w̶͉̪͖̒͌̾̑̌͑̽̕͜͝͠ĩ̷͍̟͉̟̻̦̞͖͇͙̄̑̀́́ͅt̷͚͔̟̤͙͚̤̩̭̳͉̪̼̺͖͒̐̌́̅̑͌͛̀̔͘h̷̨̨̲̙̫̰͖̪̤̲̓̿́̿͂̇̓̒̀͆͜ ̴̨̡̨͍̯̣͚̖̫̑ͅp̴̢̯͉̳̰̘͙̿̿͊̈́̕ô̴͇͙̫̯̾̒̊̍̄̈́̕͝é̸̛͎͈̙̱̞͆̄̅̚͜͠ţ̶̧̖̱̳̳͍̮̀̒̑͌̓̉̒͛̒̀́̕̚͜͠r̴̺̞̣͈̊̒̿̋͋́ÿ̸̢̩̪̥̺̠̱̜͚̩̬̭́̔̓͋̐́͗̌̒̽̊̒̌?̶̡͖̥̪̰̠̭̱̫̫̗͕̞̳̈̄̌͋͛̅̂͋͆̈́͗́̍͜

Somethings wrong.

S̷̢̡͙̹̳͕̜̭̲̼̔̐̂̇͗̃̌̈̓́̎͐͊̿ͅͅớ̵̧̧̯̻̻͉̫͍̠̲̟̻́̚m̸̢̧̜̲̯̹̥͇̣̃̀̽̓̅́̊̕ḝ̸̱̼͎̼̞̻͉̜̙̲̰̩̿̓̓̇͜͝ ̴͔̤̰̦̤̏́͐̌͊͒̇͘̚ͅͅͅs̶̡̳͉̬͉̖̞̙͔̤͚͕̑̊̾͆̀͒̀̀̈͘͝a̵̡̧͍͎̘̥̟̫͇̙͕̠͕̰̐̊̂̅̈́́̈́́́̋͆̋̚͝͝y̷̧̱̲̹̯̟̯͙̩̮͙̻̤͈̿́̌͐̊ ̸͈̻͐̃́̒͂̔͌̋̕͘͝͠t̴̟̺̖̞̯͕̠̓̐̐̔̽h̴̡̹͉͚̬̅̏̋̊̚e̸̡̛̖̳̙̓̒̎̃̇͐̽̀̓̚͝ͅ ̶̰̰̗͓͈͍̟́̈̕w̷̡̢̟̯̰͈̦̝̪̳̿͑̓́͌o̶̢̅̓͗͂̎̽̇̒͂̈́͑̍͘͠r̴̦͈̘̠͓̙̲͎̗͚͚̪͗̕ͅl̵̛͔͐̄̀͒͒̐́͌̔̋̕͘d̴̨̧̹̟̖̪̮̦͎͈̫̼̱̥͑̌̑̀̌̉ ̸͍̝̣͛ȩ̸̢̭͔̬͙̥̬̙̭̼̣̦̳̖͊̈́͊͛̆͛̐̀̈́̾̕ņ̶͓̰̲̻̖̫͇͉̲̰̟̠̓̈́͌͂̾̔̐͗͊͘͜d̷̡̠̝̥̺̗͇̳͔͕͕̣̎͋́̀̌̔̾ͅs̵̢̖͂ ̴̧̫̦̰̗̩̭̤͍͍̗͌͊̾͋̍̿̇̏̊͊̕i̷̼̞͖̱͉̯̤̙͋̐͐̽̋͐̅̽̉̈͒̿͛̄̕n̸̖͆̌̿̎̏͝ ̸̡̩̻̐̋̾̊̇́́̔̈́͜͜͝͠f̵̢̗̤͍̟̯̻̮̞̞̻͙̪͙̭̅i̵̩͉̠͚͋͐̓̎̒́̍̎̋̇̕̚͝ͅr̸̺̖̃̄̋͒̊͆̇̎̀̒́̌͠͝è̵̳̱̼̖̦̼͙̳́͑̿ ̵̧͚̰̗̙̗̤̯̦̤͎̪̻̋́̌͒̑́̔̅͑̂̄̕͘o̴̧͎̯͓̟̳̜͎̖̝̫̤̠̳͉͒̉̉͛̽̐̈́͐͒̀͒ṭ̶̟̦̮͖͚͈͐̿̆̔̄̑̓̈́̆̚͘͝͝h̵̲̋̊e̶̢̧͕̹̯̪̟̞̙̩͇͚͈̫͉͆̀̍r̶̙̺͉͙͙̞̔̽͗́̽̌͊̏͘̚̕͝͠s̵̛̛̻̦͚͓͕̏̍̽̀̋͜͝͝ ̵̢̻̤̪̟̤̤̋͑͋̄͊̿͑͛̃̍̏̚͠ͅs̷͖͎̻̪̹͎͕̐͒̑͜a̸̢̛̹̱̘͓̰͔̗̟͑̓̽͒͘y̴̧̢̰̙̹̺̜̠͊̔͂̈̂͐̃̎͗ ̶̡̨̺̖̹͙̬̝͓̙͉̅i̶̧̨̡̛̮͉̯̹͚̗̬͈̱̗̓́́̌̄̿̅̈́̈́̾̃̍͜ͅn̶̢̻̹͉͔͚̜̬̙̯̬͙̍̉͆ ̴̺͎̙͉̈̈́̎͝í̴̞̣̥̭̘͈̹̱̖͙̬̦̱̫͋̈́̉ͅć̷̌̉͌͗̎̊̿͂͘͜͠e̴̢̨̹̥̩͓̺̰̳̬̘̪͇͕͒̌̃̃̚̕͝ͅ.̷̛͉̜͉͖̖̭̭̟̣̍̆͐̃͒͘ͅͅ

Tsu I don’t want to play anymore.

U̶̧̥̮̇̈ǹ̶̨̧͖̦̙̲̮̣̮̘͇͎̱̻̪̈͌͊̑̃̈́̽̈̓̄̒͂̅ć̴̨̝̲̙̜̒̀̽l̶̯̩̼͗̇̉͐̕͠ȇ̸̘̰̜͈̟̗͊͆̏͌̈́ ̷̮̥̩͖̌̒̀̿̍̿͑p̷̺̪͖̎̄̋̂̾́͒̎͛͐̓͝l̷̘͑̀͐̇͑͆̌͊͑̔̎̆̂e̴̢̓̆͘a̸̳̟͈͓͚̻͖̟̪͔͖͖̟̟͗̒͋̓̐́͌̌̀̅̈́̊̌̕͘ş̵̢̡̮̠͓̬̥̜̬̍̈͌̉̽̅̿͛̀̐̈́̈́̇̌ḙ̸̞͎̻̦̣̘͕̖̼̫̪͓̥̅͋́̾̃̈́̾͊̇͊̕͝!̵̡̨̢̱̦͉̮͈̰͇̮̠̳̣͛ͅ

I try to move my arm, but I can’t feel it.

Ý̷̢̽̈́̄͆̓͗o̷̰̝̎ͅu̷̧̜̺͉̥̟̱̟̼̭̞̥̯̗̩͐̎͒̒̊̈́ ̷̞͒̔͜ä̷̪̳̪̜͍̳͉́̈́̍͐r̷̛̛̝͆̅̎̅͗̅̐̓̚͠͝ę̸̭̯͚̪̞̭̋̾̓̈́̅̊͌̋̾̕̕̕͜͜ ̶̤̠͛̽͐͆̃̾́̾̊̈́͘͠m̵̨͚͈̳̪̺̺̙͙͈̪̟͍̳̐̐̌̌̉͊͘͘̕̕y̴͈̩̜̽̈̈́̄͋́̇̾͠͠ ̵͍͙̘͉̙͈͔̟͎̰͉̆́͛͠s̶̡̀͂͐͒́͑͐ư̸̡̱̈́͋̈́̆̓̌͐̒̀͐͝͠n̸̛̲͍̫̔̑̊͒͋̎̐̇͒̄̈́̐͘ş̶̢͉̞̜͈̙̲̭̊̐̇̌͛̌̃͆̃̐̕͝h̴̰͓̳͆̚̚í̵̬̪͉̠̥̗̳̟͕̦͊̐͌͆͂̅̍̏͊͜͝͝n̷̡̛̜̤̗̙͑͋͛̃̀͊͆̂̽͘ȩ̵̨̘̥̯̦̞̉͋̈́̓̋̍͛̌͜,̴̧̨̢̤͕̖̝̳̻̗̠̖̪́͊͋̈́̉͝͠͝ͅͅ ̶͓͙̻̲̮͔͉̳͊̊̉͆͒͠m̷̨̧̱̲͍͎͇̌̊̌̇̈́́͛́̈́͒̐̂̕͘y̶͍̖̜͕̯͖͉̠͓͇͂͋ ̴̖͚̑̇̂ö̵̧͖̗͖̹̥̤̬̱̠͈́͗̿̿̈́͜͜ń̷̠̫̈́͂̀̔̉̔l̸̨̗͙͍̹͍̇̀̓̆͒͝ͅy̶̛̛̛͕̱̹̗͓̟͙̬͔̝̣͚̖͊̄̊̔͒̌̄̃̉͠ ̸̝̤̭̖̗̭̰͙̰̥͓̻͆̇͒̀̓̓̊̚͜s̴̡̬̓̔̏̍͌̍͌̆u̵̥̬̗̝̖͙̭̦̅̋̊̅̈͜͝͠ͅn̴̛̛̛̹̖̪̖̙̉̈́̔͐͋̒̌͋́̄̚s̶̗͙̦̮̲̺̝̔̓̔̽͋͘͜͝ͅḧ̴̦̫͎̼̼̺͍͋̽͜í̷̺̟̥̲̉̽͗̋̀͝ń̴̢̡̢̞͚̺̙̘͈̜͙͈͇̞̊̍́̆̀̓̈́͝e̴̘̼̮̙̺̪͈̟̝͚͉̲̒̋͌̅͝ͅͅ~̵̢̤̹͙͓̖̼̱̖̜̳̹͙̑̽͌̐͜͜͝

I try to scream, but my voice won't come out.

T̷̢̡̤̺͍̪̲͓̳̾͋̊e̸̡͇̝̳̪̦̠̠͎͉͓̠͂̌͗͌̆̋͗̀͒̍̈́̽́̚͝ͅs̸̢̧̛̙͎͕̜̩̙̼͎̱̮̲̍̄̈́̔̈́͛̈̀͐̓̕̕ͅͅt̷̨͖̙͍̯̱̭͙̼̂͜ͅi̵̢̨̢̮̫̱̹̥̝̦̮̭͒͂̋̐͌͘̕n̷͍̟̪̬̳͛̈̎̌͌̚g̶̢̠̖̩̘͎̻̯̤̃̂̾͗̑̑̔,̶̝̒͐̅̈̽̍͌̄̽̇ ̶̛̛̞̣̱͚̝̝͌͆͌̉̌͛́̓̇̊͜͜͜͝ͅT̴̡̞̲͔͖̮̖̹̗͚͔̻̬̿̏ë̴͇̫̥̦͕́̀̕͜ͅͅs̶̡̡͕̩̲̜͍̲͕̻̫̘͎̯̥͛͑t̴̢̢̧͖̜̣̬͕̱̞̬͇͙̺͗͒̑͗̀͗̅̊̆͊̚͠ͅi̴̛͇̜͓̱̞͉͙͈̼̽̊̈́̃̓̃́͆̚͘ǹ̷̠̳͚̼͂̿͐͆̔̍̒͐̌͘̚͠g̷̢̝̤̺̰͙͉̠̏̿̑̀̌̈́͠ ̴̢̧̘̟͓͉͕͓͚̪̽̈́ͅ1̷͓̮̩́̏ͅ-̷̦̟̤̩͉̅̑̑2̸̡̛̘͙̼̔̎͛-̷̣̥̬̹͈͎͍̲͍̘̈͆̀̈́̿̐̅́͘͜ͅ3̷̢̛̺̦̼̰͖̗̩̰̣̏͂̿

Something loud goes off next to me. Or does it? I can’t tell.

H̵̼̱̣̼̩͍̞̳̞̞̜̗̱̤̽̑̌̽͐̑͋̕ę̸̨̫̗͙͈̯̠̻̩̅͜ ̷̞͖̈́͑̒̉͐̐̐̈̋͑͒͠d̸̡͕̳̹͓͎͕͚̄̑̿i̸̼̪͕̮̘̘͜͠ė̶̢̢͓̖͚̤̬̮̖̟͚̦͐̅̅̿̅̇̒̇͜͠ḑ̵͉͕͉̲̺͓̺̙͔̉͊͒̌̓͋͆́͠͝͝ ̶̲̪͖̫͑̑̌̋̈̀̐͊͜͝ͅȉ̶͇̩̦̬̣̲͚̟͕̃̓̾͛͂͗̅n̶̢̧̢̡͉̳͉̱͉̯̝͎̩̠̽͛̂̔̀̓̈́̈̊͘s̴͍̻̜̬̩̮̯̪̮͖̭̎̂̇͌̏t̴̤̘̍̉̇̋̂̐̚a̷̧͔̖̝̝̱̫̝̼͔̒n̸͕̼̦̼͕̝͒̄̅͑̆̂͛̿͑̒͘͠t̷̺̿͊͂́̈̀͋̓͝l̸̢̨̙̝͍̹͖̼̟͇̜̂̀̏̃̋̇͑̀̇̒͜͜͝y̶̛̪͔̙̞̟̙̠̓͛͒̐̆͆̓̈́̑ͅ ̴̧̛̦̙̫͕̬̤̀̈́͛̇̕͜͠ͅ

I move.

I’m moving.

I rolled.

I hit something.

I can’t breathe and I think I’m drowning.

H̴̢̞̻͈̲͎͎̟͓̿́ë̴̩̠̦́̊̂̔͛̂̋́̚l̵̡͉͚͎̝̭͍̲̞̩̪̰͊͑̓͋͐̽̚͜l̵̢̦̰̹̠͉̮̗̤̯̘̬̊̓̈́ǫ̸̢̡̞̩̮̖̬̜̪̥̼̖̫̎̃͂̅̚ͅ ̷͈̙̯͖͔̍̀́̓̍͘͜͠d̴̡̖̜̟̘͈͖̜̘̦̝̩̻̈́̐̈͗̓͊͑̿͛̓̉̂̾͜a̸̢̡̛̦̗̞͎̼͉͍̠͑̌̒̑̏̈̚r̸̠̝̖̩̺̙̟̰̈͑̐̈́̈́̓̀͑̔k̴̦͉̀̍̿̐ͅń̸̡̡̪̰̬̟͍͓̰͙͒̎̄ͅẹ̵̱̰̠͛́̾̃͋́͗̀͐̒̈̏͘s̷̞͖̖͙̗̭̬̜͓̺̰͎͈̯̥̒͊̉͠ş̶̞̪̫͍̺̙̳̘̻̳̻̥͔̀͊̃͛̾ ̶̨̗̩͉̯̠͚͉̠̰͓̰̐̑̽̃̐́m̶̡̤͔̲͙̂̔̄ͅy̵̜̍̓̏͛̋̎̒̊̕ ̸̨̤̘̜̲̒̾͐̃̈͐͐̒̈́̃̿͆͜͝o̸̭̣̪̗̪͕͆̈́̌̀̋̂́͂̄̓͊͒͝l̷̺̗͎̰̝̱̝͓͊́̆d̵̺̞̟̼͓̯͓̯͂̈͌ ̵͇͙̉͑̐͂̌̋̈͗̉̈́̑̍̽̇f̵̧̛̤̣̼̼̫͔̪̪̂͌̊̓̎̿̈̽̐̏̾̚̕͜͝ṛ̴̨̘̭̌͗̏̑̔͋͝͝ḯ̴̝̼̲̫̰̫̳̺̀̎̈́̇̈́̕ě̷̢̞͉̟͍̭̤̻̠̼͔̟̹̱̌̌̔̒̒͊̕ņ̶̢͕͇̰͈̰̰̦̈́͊͗́̕̚̚̕d̴̥̘̭̟̞͖̳͂̒̑́̐̇̐͜͠ ̴͍̬̺͙̥̪͓͌̂͛͗̈́̀̉̔͐́͠ͅ

Mommy help I think I’m dying.

S̸̘̩͍̫̘̲̻̩̩̀̓t̷͖̀̃̀̓͌͂̑̔i̷̭͖̫͗̓̅̂͂̂͂́̏̅͋͂̂̑̾ͅl̷̡̧̮̹͇̖̻̣̜͉̜̮͈̫̋͊̎͛͋̑̊̈̎̇̚͠ḷ̸̢͍̟͘ ̶͔͕͇̼̪̮͉̲̮̟͔͙̬̝̑̾̃̊à̴̢͕̞̰̖̼̇̄͗̐̈̀̃̚͝ ̵̡͖̹̱̭̩̮͚͇͈͈̖̅̽̍̕t̷͈̥̣͖̞̝̬̻̙͇̘̀̈́̒̈́̏̀͠è̵̛͈̹͖͓̖̲̱̘̞͕̘̳͕͔̪͐̅̋̇̉͐̑͆̀͝r̶̡̧̩͕͕͍̩̻̮̮̯͇̥̙͌͋r̴̢͚̪͇͔͇̬̞̪̤̹͙̈́̍ḭ̵̤͕̭̻̒̈́̆͆̄̑͐̅̉͂̚ͅb̷̙̙͕̭̈̽͑́̆͛̓̆̾̉̔͘l̵̨̛̼̮̀̂̈̓̎̔̽ȩ̵̙̘͖̹̯̦̰͙͛̉̕ ̴̨̪̌͑͌̐͑̐͋̽͑̈́̿́̍͒̕b̷̛̭̣̤́̎̔̌̉͑̈́̈́̂͠r̶̨̛̯̼͍͈̀̓̋̾͋̓̋̓̈́̚a̴̼̝͕̩̻̤̪̣̭̪̟̔̎ţ̵̧̹̣̖̗̻͙̩͚̻̊́̅̿͒̔̀̈́͝͠͝ ̴̢̮̫̠͈̱͙͓̱̂̈́̒̏͂̓̈́͛̿́̾̕͝e̶̫̟͙̗̱̗̰̹̹͉͎͚͎͚̿͆͛̐̔́̚͝v̶̝̏e̴̞̫̯̪̞͉̙̾̃̇̅n̸̨̛̛͚͖̾̊̏̉͑̈́͋͠ ̸̛̤̀̽̈́́̾͗̂̈̃͂̌ǎ̸͈͕̮͂̇͗̀̈́̀͊͗̚͝f̴͚͓̠̳̥̙̝͓̿͊́̔̿́̆̂̋̾̒͌̽̊͝t̴̬̱̏̄̽̆̑ȩ̴̛̲̘͍̻̞̋̂͌͌̀̆̇̀̂̚͝ͅŗ̵͓̰̥̺̰̫̠̻̟͇̭̗̲̀͒̕ ̷̧̯̞̗̦̱̝͚̦̼̤͔̮̂͜ͅa̸̛̠̠̟͙̬̥͆͜l̴̯̺̳̳̗̫̉͌l̵̨̡͙̪̼̰̖͈̮̘͍̞̿̽̏̇̏̑̚ ̴̧̲̫̣̝̪̤̻̏͋̀̽̌̚͜͝͝ẗ̵͚͉̝͒̒̌̾̏͐͊̐̏̍̐͂̈͘h̴̡̛̖͔̪̬̰͖͉͔̓͂̉͊̊͌̚ē̸͓̥̫̙̰͈͚͙͙͈̹̙͍̹̌̒̍̀̊͐͌͑ͅš̴̨̧̼̣͚͉̳͍̰͉̪͓̃è̵̢͔̆́̂͋̓͂̔̓̊̆̑͘͘ ̴̧̞̳̺̮̪̹̤̥͓̣̱̼̥͛̃͆̐ͅy̴̨̜̬̱͚̠͇̘̻͉͎̣̣̋̍̎̅̽͌͠ȩ̸̮̝̟̭̥͈̒͜ͅa̶̺̲̓̃̓̏̊̈͘r̸̢̧̗̜͙̞̰̭̫͉̥̝̙̹̗̅̾̍͐̊̈̈́̄̉͠͝ŝ̴̤̮̘͜

Mommy help there’s hands inside me.

Ṱ̵͈͔̤̹̊̋̂̾́̏̈́͆̍̇̕͝h̵̢̳̼̯̲͙̦̫̣͖̳̅̈́̇̏͂͊̚͜͝i̴̧͈͙͇͇͔̫̥͎̩̞̘̅̈̀͊͐͋̐͒̽̇͐́͠s̴̨̧̻͇̽͒̐̾͠ ̴̧̨̨̧̛̺̫̝̙̞̥̺̲͉̝̳͛̄̐̃̏̈́̊̒̈́͛̉̊i̷̠̺̖̥͂̓̒̌̊̄̐͋͠ş̸̜̦̱͕͉̬̙̱̭͉̻̀̂̀̕͠ ̶͔̃̾͋͝͝h̴̨̨̛͕̼̠̝̳̙̺̯̤̟̘̓̉̌́̆̈́o̸̡̺̞̺͚̠̰̺̲̻̯̜̺̾̈́̈́̓͊̓̓̋̓͊̕͝͠͠w̶̢̟̻͓̗̺̳͕̤̣̞̗̺͍̔̓̂̅̈́̈͛̿͐̂́͘͘͜ ̶̡͈̜͉͇̲͎̈́̄͛͋͜͝ý̷̡̡͍̗̹̲̜͖͚̦͐̂̀̀̓̓̈̐̓͂͘͜ơ̷͚̲̟̬̪̥̟̭̮̗̳̖͆͌̑̌̈́͐̕͝ù̶̡̡̳̺̜̥̝̳͍̘͙̮̝̀̐͐͑̄̀̐̇̄͒̾͝ͅ ̷̢͕̻̗͓̯̠̜̺͔̩̿̌̉̏͐̇̂̏̍͜͝ͅl̵̢̬̊̾ơ̵̟͔̹̝̰̝̝̇͗ỏ̶͖̣̣̟̳̘́́̋̅̍̚ș̷̖̼͚͓̤̝́͂ẹ̵̡̛̠̫̭̍̓̈̌̏̿̓̓̈́̔̄́̏ ̸̧̛̝̤͉̰͚̘̣͍̈́͛̋͆͌͗̃̿̎̇͘͜t̶̛͖̄̃̉͒̔̍̀́̕h̷̥̺̹̼̞̼̫͉͖̲̗͂̚͜e̷̜̳̒̂̇̏̀̕͝͝ ̷̡͔̣̤͝t̸̜͌̎́̿͒̋̾̈́̌͠ǐ̷̧̠̬̗̫͈̳̼̻̭͇̈́ṃ̵̧̛̤̪͕̲͕̥̥̠̪̒͒̈́̔͑̎̓̑͛͋̽͝͠ḙ̸̛̼͕͇̥̏͂̆̀̋͋͋͑̉̇̈́͂͐̾ ̸̡̭̜̙̩̎́̓͋̀͌̀̓w̴̡̛̳̦̖̫̣̖͆͊̑͌̏͜ͅa̸̘͒̓̔́̍͐̓̏͗̄̈́̏̚r̷̡̭͛̂̒̅̂̄̇̔͐̿̆̌͆͋̄ ̷̡̢̻̟̜̲̭̞̼͔͔̓̌̏̿̾̕ͅy̴̧̻̭̲̞͉̞̒͆̏̐̎͝õ̶̡̳͎̖̟̺̞̩̂̾̈́͆̎u̸̲̘͓͓̘̙̻̰̺͓̤̿̏̀̐̏̂̈́͘͜͠ ̸̛̲̪̦̥͍̦͓̖̗̜̥̺̜̙͉̄̐̌k̵̡̝̘̻͙̽̀͌̊̒́̾͠n̴̰̖̑̈́̆̀̿͑̎̏̅͐̽̃͘͠͝ȏ̶̢̢͉͚̰̟̯̘̈́̈́ẉ̷̮̼̫͈͗̏̾̌̇̂̒́̓̓

Ripping, tearing, grabbing, stealing.

A̴̟̖̻̯̟̲͚͚̦̋͜n̷̨̪̍d̷̨̡̞͇̼͈̣̘̤̻͓̩̆͗̑̄̄͂͌̿̅̕ ̶͕̯͂̈́͑́̊͋̓h̸͇̼̣͇͙̺̰̙͙̲̬̔̐̋̾̅̍͜͜ḙ̶̩̦͝ ̴̪̯͉̲͕͈̿̽̄s̵̨̧͖͎͍̣͉͍̪̝͕̳̙͗͌͐̓̌̓m̷̢̗͚̤̱̭̺̰͚͙̔̈͆̿͠ͅi̷͚̗͖̰̙̪̖̖̊̓̾͑̑͌͌̂̒͐l̸̨̖̞̲̹̯̱̳͔̈́͌̓̀̉̎̚ȩ̷̙̭͖̪̲̺͙͍̬̼͉̑d̸͓̻̰͓̼͈͎̜͕͔̜̮͉̘̔̒̂̈́̍͒͊̇̕ ̶̗̼̜̟̘͈̝̳̬̼̀́̌̃̑̔̏̇̚͝w̸̢̥͚̳̟̣̖͑̎̅̃͛̈́̀̊̃̍͜͜ḧ̷̨͇̟̭̺̦̪̞͚̖͉̥́̈́̈̈́ͅḙ̷̡̡̲̳̻̗̠̯͍̟͖̝͂̿̇ņ̷̥̯̪͉͋̅̂̍̈́̔͗̀̽͋́ ̶̼̔͂̅͊̓͆̓̑͝͝h̸̨̢̧̖̜̪͇̩͇̬̎͑̒̓͊͂̒̽͘͜͝ȅ̶̖͉͐̓̌͝ ̷̲̏̿̈́̽̾d̷̢̨̙̠̪̠̱̪̪̘̆͑͗̓̉̑̄̔͜ỉ̴̢̜̮̻̮̝̙d̷̜̻̯͈̝͑̆͐̈́̽̌̿̈́̀ͅ ̷̲̄̑͗̀͛̀̃́̔̃͊̊͘͝͠į̸̤̦̺̖̾̐͑̔̓̿͋̅͆̕̚t̶͉̟̤̳̻̲̩̯̗̳̤̭̄̈́͐̀̃ ̸̨̛̛͍͓̲̝̅̍͌͑̓̐͝

It’s not yours, It’s not yours, It’s not yours.

....

A boy pins me down his eyes orange and bright and furious and he raises his fist and brings it down hard at the center of my forehead. But it doesn’t hit flesh. It doesn't hit bone. It hits something synthetic and fabricated.

Mr. Fox is made of tougher stuff.

A laugh comes out. Or maybe a sob. The world is going dark as he raises his fist again.

Tsu, please don’t, this is going to kill you.

T̷͔̮̠̘̲͍͉̮̘̣͌͗́̂͑s̴̠̗͕̓̓̍̾͂̒̽͆͝ư̴̧͉̘̲͔͔̖͖͚̬̠̘̹͌̂̓͂̇̊̿̊͛̏̒,̶͉̳̣̭̰̉͗͌̔͊͌ ̵̨̛͈̗̞̰͓͙͇̯̘͖̤͔̰̙̎̍̽́̑d̴̛̰̅̅̉͊̈́̚a̶̧̛̰͍͖̠͖̦͎͙̟̤̔͐̎̉̓̋̋͗̈͒̑͝͝n̶̡̛͙͙͖̻̠̤̑̈͆̈́͐̆̽͘͝ͅc̶̯̲̈́͜ę̴͖͈͚̾̚ ̸̨̛̘͓̰͙͐̈́̑̈́̈͝ẁ̸̧̛̯͙̪͎̜̙̬̰̾̓́̄͊̐́͆̽̕͜͠i̵͇̓̑̈̏̆̀͑̔͐͑̐̿͘͝ẗ̷̡̧̛̛͉͔̯͙̥̻̤̤͒́ͅͅḩ̴͕̻͕̥̰̣̺̯̥̣̒̃̏͆͜ ̴̢̡̛̦͕̞͖̱͖̿͂͌̓̔̀̒͒̇̌͒͘͠m̵̧̮͙̾͌̐̓̈͒͘̚ē̶̩̲̱̯̹͈̘̩̫̜̹̠̘̭̼͌̒̀̓!̴̨̨̛̝̩̞͕̗̼̞̯͛̔̇͗̓͘̚ ̴̨̲̱̝̫̩̺̂̌͌̈́̓͑̓̊̾̍̍G̶̡̘̳̱̙͈͎̮͕̘͖̦̪̓̓̇̾̈͒̎̿̏̚ͅé̴̛͕̼̼̩͍̗̗͇̖̫ͅŗ̴͔̥͔̞̽̎̔͂͒̐̈́͝ͅş̴̦̫̹͛̏͛̂̅͗͜ḩ̵͙̟͓̜̟̟́̃̿̂́͋͊̄͠͝͠w̴̨̙̬̞̘̌̀̓̌̓̓̆̿͗̽̂͋̂̓͘͜i̸̪̤͕̬̙͙̮͉̠̻̎̐̋͋̔̑͌͋̈́̅͠n̸͚͈͎̓͌̽ ̸͉͉̟̫̦͚͕̦̻̤͉̇ͅḯ̴̢̛͔͖̭̯͈̼̺͔̼͍̘͈̿̀͐̆͐̄͗͛̽̕͠͠ś̴̡̰̘̻̮̪͚̿͠ ̴̡̨̙̙̐̐͛͋͗̐̃̈́̄̇̈́̍ͅp̶̡̬͝ḽ̵͈̗̱͇͎̮̞̻͓̯͋̾̈̉̽͛͆̔͝a̴̛̛͇̾̾͋̒̆̌̾̔̒̿͐̃y̴̪͈͉̱̬̩̜͙͖̮̮͈͈͍̮̿̂̎͐̆̊̌̈͂͆͂̚͝ḯ̶̛͓̖̬̺̟̉͗̓̏̚͘͘̚n̴̢̙̥̗̩̯̼͆͂̌͒̂̀͛͊̐͝g̴̡̬̘̼̗̳̺̭̹̫̜̱̟̞̃̽̆͐͗͌̏̑͘͘͠͝͝ ̸̛̯̟̰̼̀̍̈́̀́͑̌̕ͅą̸̺̫̮̌̄n̸̳͔̯͚̹̣̞̮̥̺̯̙͙̜͊͆͒͊̏̃͊͋̂̌̍͜ď̴̨̧̧̞̹͓̟̀̓͗͌̆͗̐̕͝ ̸̜͑̾͂́̈́̈̅á̷͍͙̈́̓͊ͅ ̸̪̘͔̘̜͈̫̫̗̠̯̑̒D̸̲̖̐̃̐̾̓͂̐͗͘o̵̲̒͛͐̏̀́̓̈́̍͐̂͝ṇ̴̢̢͚̠͖͙̯̹̑̆́͛̚͠ͅ ̷̬͙́͒̅̊̄̄ḩ̴̦́̈́̊́͐̂͝ḁ̷̛͉͍̟͕͍͙͍̐̃͌́̌͒͠s̷̢̡̢̛̖̯̫͈̬͈͋̂̏̏̀̎̑̾͐̋̾̍́͝ͅ ̷̢̢̝̞̲͇̫̤͖̺̠̮̫̯̓̏̎͆̋̎̎̚͠͝t̴̳̥̳̙̼̲̂̆̿̈͐̽̓̍̂̈́͘͝ͅơ̸͖͈͔͉̝̱̲̋̿̄̋̾̆̍͂̓̔ͅ ̵̢̘̮͎̳͇̟͇̪̀k̴̪͚̟͎̝̤̞͚̱̭̑̓̒̀̽͋̓̕͜͠n̶̤̣̫̠̼͕͚͖̭͍͌̀̂̈́̊̀̈́͛̅̽̒̓͜o̶̢̧̨̯̯̼̠͓̰̹͐̒͂͂́̅̕͠ẉ̷̨̜͙̼̝̈́͑̍̅̈̓̾͐̍̾̚͝ ̵̦̹̜̖̣̜̔̓̓̓͂͗͛͋̽̑͛̈͝͝h̵̨͉͙̟̩̺͗͂̎̃̇̓̿̉͋͒̕ơ̷̧̧͈͕̜̲̲͔̠͚͈͗̉͘w̴̡͉̖̯̹̩̙̹̱̩͌̽̈́̄̑̔͜͝ ̷̣̯̣͂̊̑͛t̵̢̹̞̼͙͇̼͔̎͗͗̓̈́͆̽̈́̆͋͋͌̄̌̚͜͜ͅơ̸̢͙̗͇͎̯͖̩͓̻͔͕̈́̇̕͝ͅ ̵̱̳̣̩̭̝̺͎͓̥͍̳̠̩̙̆̀̉̈́d̶͍̼̫̹̳͚̭̈̈́̌̑̈́͆͊̈͒̈́̊̕ą̶͇̮̰̱̈́̈́̓̐́͠n̶̬̰͔̺̪̱͊̏͌͗̐̀̎́̎̉̀̾̂͜͠c̶̮̯̘͚͓̙̯͔̭̝̍͐̑̽́̽̊̓̍̍͋̑͠͠e̴̱̯͋͂̏̀̀͒.̶̹̜̗̤̥̤̥͕̙̜̗̭̺͉̅̆͊̓̐̑͗̽͘͠͝͝ͅ

Grandpa help-

* * *

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I̵̮̯͚̤̘̲̋̋̀̄͆͠ͅń̵̨̡̨̯̺͓͍̟̱͉̺̱̋á̸̧̞͕̣̲͓͔͎̩̺͉̗͙̀͗͛̋͋̈̈́̃͋̋̕͜͠͝r̸͓̾̈͗̇̑̄̏̽́i̷̢̦͕͈͔͌̍̏̒͗̀̊̅́͗̑̈́,̸͍̬̤̞͉͙́̆ ̵̡͖͖̼̩͎̣̠̝̝̫̣͂̓̿̏͋͆̓̉͠ͅm̴̧̖̮̬̣̟͖̼̮̂̉͑͒̆͛̐̓͊͘y̵͉̤̒͗͊̅̋̒́̿͌̐̍̕ ̷̡̺̲̱̰̻͍̰̺͇̗̼̂̀̉̊̓̓͆̏̋̀̎͜͝͠ḇ̷̢̛̻̣͇͍̗̲̼̜͍̀̇̉̌̓̾̊̆̋̽̅̿͛͝o̵̧̘͉̭̰͕͊̌̀̋̈́̑̐́̾̆̋̈y̴̢̘̜̱̖͕͇̫͕̻̠͚̙̓̊̎̋̈́͋̐̎͌͗̇͘̚  
̷͖̮̟͈̺̦̮̻̝̳̜̠͖͌̀̑͊͗͂̉̉͝ͅͅ  
̵̧͙̺̣̗̲̻̱̊̒̓̀͝  
̷̡̡̪͖̜͙̲͚̳̱͎̳͍̳̔̓̊̎̀͒̅͊̌̀̂͘̕  
̶̛̭̰̥̞̤̖̱̠͓̣̤̤͇́D̵̛͕͓̟̦̟̹͙͙̗̍͆̈́̽̃͝o̵̱͎̳̳̮̬͈͔͐̑͊̀͝͝ͅͅͅ ̵̪̮͙̳͈́̐̓͆̈́͝y̴̧͙͎̤͍͈̳̹̞̮̹̏̀̀̒́͒̀̏̕͜͝ͅǫ̷̡͈̍́̄̇̏̀͘͝u̷̮͎̲̔̋͛̔̾̄̂̄ ̶̛̛̱̣̎̊͂̽͂̔̍̚͘k̸͍̭͓̱̫̰̣͖̰̼͑̔͐͋͘͜͠ṇ̸̢͇̺̊̊͌̈́́̊̐̆͑̚̕̚͝ơ̸͎̘̥͎̟̞̹̭͖̳͎͓͖͋́̎̏͂̈́͊̒̒̚ͅẇ̴̛̟̮̯̬̝͕̬̎͒̐̊͒̀̅̅̀̈́̚͝͝ͅ ̵̨̥̻͓̌́͒̎͛̀̓̓̅w̶͔͕͊͒̾̏̽͐̃͝h̶̛͚̮̺̭̹̘à̷̫̥̟̝̖̗͎̝̦͎̥͕̳̟̠̓̔̅̓̿̀́̿͝t̶̝̟̺̞͎͚̊̍̅ ̶̛͍̖̻͉̘̀͒̎͗̔͋͝a̶̢̛͇͖̪̯̳̙̼̘̜̍̓̉͑͋̎̎́̈͘͘n̴̻͙̫̳̘͎̏̌̏͋̀͑̄̓͝͝͠ ̸̧̧̮̦̮̣͚͎̗͗̅̽̾̊̈́̿̎̅̕ͅͅḯ̴̦̪͚̟͉̹̳͎͂ļ̸̯̟͇̤̻̈́͆̔̔̅͒͘ͅl̴̗̱̼̪̘͎̽͗̉̉̓̀͂̃̌͝u̶͔͗͋̔̈́̽͠s̵̢̗̥̼̯̪̝̐̊̔̆̀̀̂̿͑̕͝ͅị̴̢͍̱̥̗̻͈̤̱̱̣͊̈́̂̀̐͋̎́̽́͋͑́͜͠ó̵̢̲͈̱̯̉̄́͆̇͊̀̈́͝n̴͇̳̯̝̮̩̭̖̼̋̃ ̴̛͉̜͎͉͖̠̲̫̤͎͛̂̿̓́͋̋̏̃̔̉̿͠ȋ̸̛̛̟̳̼̳͗̇͋͐͐̕s̶̢̤͔̬̲͔̯̻̲̘͙̾̋̎̏̓͊͑̋͒̉͗̄̔͝͝ͅ?̷̨̢̞͔͙̭̹͖̫̽̍͋̓̂̊͋͑̚͠

“Do you know what an illusion is my boy?” Grandpa asks me.

It takes a moment for me to be able to get my tongue working. But talking is easier than moving still.

“A magic trick?” I ask after a moment of contemplation.

Grandpa chuckles a little at that and goes back to go his project. Colorful threads pulled together weaving and winding.

“A magic trick is a type of an illusion, not an illusion itself,” he gathers up a bundle of the colourful threads in his hand and holds them out so that I can see them. “No, an illusion is a fabrication, a lie.”

“A lie,” I repeat slowly.

“Yes, and like any good lie, it must have at least one thread of truth in order to work. For an illusion to work it must first be believed,” he says as he holds one thread of brilliant orange away from the rest of the colors.

I follow eagerly.

I love it when Grandpa teaches me new things.

Words and games and secrets.

Especially the secrets.

“As long as there is a threat of truth the lie will take hold,” he stops talking and continues working for a little while. Weaving colors together until they come together in a picture.

Once it’s done he turns back to me and smiles. The corners of his eyes crinkling in that way which means that he is going to tell me ‘a very important secret.’

“Do you know how to break an illusion Inari?”

I shake my head.

It’s a little stiff and difficult to move but I do it because it will make Grandpa proud.

“I’ll show you then,” He walks around the colorful creation and carefully takes it down and turns it around and when he unfurls it again the picture is gone and has been replaced with knotted and jumbled threads twisted together in chaotic bunches.

“In every lie, in every illusion, there will always be a loose thread. A piece that won't fit in quite right. A seam of reality that disrupts the fiction. And once you find it,” He runs his hand across the colors until he stops and grasps something that I can only barely make out.

A tail of a brilliant orange thread.

“And once you find it, once you see the lie, well,” he gives one hard tug on the thread and I watch in amazement as the entire tapestry starts to come apart from that point. Unraveling and unraveling and unraveling until knotted strings of colour are the only things left and they collapse to the floor.

“All you really need to do is expose it and the rest will come tumbling down.”

* * *

* * *

I only have a split second to act as Tsuna winds up for the next strike. I reach up to my face and tear off the fox mask and send one last desperate drumbeat in his direction.

‘Hey, brother.’

Everything stops.

Sound stops.

Movement stops.

Action stops.

Tsuna stops.

“Inari.”

There is a desperate broken wail of a trumpet that breaks through everything.

And then there is the sound of all the glass in the world breaking as once as the sky shatters. Unnatural night giving way to the waning light of day, as the illusion is shattered.

“Inari,” Tsuna says again, but it sounds like he is talking from very, very far away.

Or from inside a fishbowl.

Ha fishies~

“Move,” Sunshine and starlight orders, “Tsunayoshi, I can’t help him if you don’t get off of him.”

“Reborn what-“

"Monello, Inari, look at me."

Does he know what he's carrying I wonder?   


“Inari!“

A hand, or is it an inferno rests against my forehead and a beautiful warmth starts seeping into my skull, my brain.

And as a madman starts to cackle and applauds, somewhere in the void a ring of orange fire ignites.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, yes it did hurt. 
> 
> I think the alternate title for this chapter is trauma. Or, in which Inari meets his enemy looses his voice and then looses his mind. Seriously, so much of Inari’s mental state depends on his capacity to monologue and joke. Without that he has to face the fact that not is all well inside his own head. 
> 
> Also, what did you guys think of Mukuro now that he has finally, finally made his appearance (well sort of), but what can you expect. Management is busy after all. 
> 
> Thank you all so much for the comments and kudos. They give me the power to write every week. 
> 
> And as always I love hearing from you so let me know: Questions? Comments? Theories?
> 
> Until next week :)


	20. Bad Moon Rising (Side B)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Please flip the track to continue....

It feels like death.

It feels like dying.

The quiet suffocation of silence where there had always been something before.

All the fire that had been burning in him extinguishes in and instantly replaced by a cold block of ice that settles in the pit of his stomach and refuses to melt.

Tsuna feels smaller and more alone than he has ever felt in his entire life.

Feels like he has been sawed straight down the middle and half of him has gone missing. Taking all of his essential insides with it.

He feels lost.

Inari?

Inari!?

....

Where are you?

“Fratello? Fratello!?”

Lambo is sobbing. It’s the first sound Tsuna is able to make out through the roaring in his ears. He’s on the ground and he’s watching as Lambo buries his face against Inari’s stomach and just keeps crying. Reborn spends a brief moment trying to get him off before he leaves it be and starts working around him.

They are both speaking in rapid Italian now.

Tsuna can’t understand a word of it.

He would ask Hayato, but his tongue has gone numb. And the world is greying out at the edges.

Takeshi’s katana clatters to the ground and it sounds so loud. And his usually cheerful friend is standing there staring at Inari.

Inari is on the ground.

He’s on the ground and he isn’t moving.

He isn’t MOVING, and the terrible memories associated with that though do nothing to stop the panic rising in Tsuna’s chest.

That can’t happen again. That can never happen again.

He doesn’t think Inari would be able to live though that again.

Tsuna wouldn’t be able to live with himself to be the cause of it.

He doesn’t understand what’s happening right now. Or he does but it doesn’t make sense. They had been fighting a monster. It had looked, and moved, and sounded like a monster.

It had eyes like Futa had warned them about. Like the eyes Tsuna remembered seeing on that woman who had attacked them at the school.

It had been a monster.

It hadn’t been his brother.

It hadn’t been his brother until he had it pinned down to the ground and was pummelling it in the head and it reached up and pulled off its own face...

But that didn’t make sense.

That wasn’t real.

And the face that he suddenly saw looking back at him filled him with the cold certainty that nothing he had just seen had been real.

Because that was his brother.

* * *

* * *

He had been with Kyoko-chan. They had asked Inari if he wanted to tag along but he had given them this somewhat pained look and said,

“Bro-Bro, I do not need to be so closely involved with your love life. If I keep following you around on dates people are going to start thinking that we are in some sort of weird incestuous polyamorous relationship with the lovely Kyoko. And I don’t really want to give Haru’s ‘friend fiction’ that much power over reality.”

“Hieee! Stop, stop talking please!” Tsuna begs feeling his face heat up uncomfortably. How the heck does Inari always make things so weird.

“You're not interested?” Kyoko-chan says teasingly as she cocks her him and smiles suggestively at his brother. Oh god, he had forgotten how they get when they start talking.

“Sorry sweetheart,” Inari’s tips and imaginary hat at her and gives a little bow, “maybe in another life when I am not so fucking queer~”

They watch as Inari spins gracefully on his heel and starts walking away.

“You kids have fun~”

Tsuna feels overheated and somewhat uncomfortable but not as much as he usually would.

“Inari-kun is funny,” Kyoko-chan says as she slips her hand into his and gives it a firm and comfortable squeeze.

“Yeah,” Tsuna sighs. There is a happy little buzz in his head that tells him that Inari is feeling very self-satisfied right now.

He’s such a brat. It’s not wondering that all the crazy mafia children like him so much. Even Reborn seems to get along with him and he is the craziest of all the crazy kids. But Tsuna supposes that he could have chosen a worse role model than his brother.

Does it still work like that if Reborn has a job already? He is still a kid after all.

“C’mon,” she prompts and starts dragging him along, “Let’s check out the games.”

And they do.

They wander around the fairway hand and hand and try out some of the attractions. Predictably, Tsuna sucks at all of them. But she doesn’t seem to mind. And Tsuna really enjoys watching her crush the strength game after the antelope-faced man running the attraction laughed at him for his pitiful score.

Kyoko is so strong.

It’s awesome~

And then the moon comes out. Night falls and there are lights everywhere in the trees in the ground and little fireworks of glowing butterflies are popping everywhere and it looks amazing.

They both start giggling and swaying together as they walk back toward the rest of their friends.

He sees Mr. Monkey, giant Mr. Monkey, at the balloon pop game and he points him out to Kyoko.

She takes one look at it and then turns back to him her eyes sparkling happy and takes both of his hands in her own and, “I’m going to win him for you Tsu-kun!”

“Hie? You don’t have to.”

“But I’m going to.”

She says it with such happy conviction and sparkles that Tsuna can’t bring himself to argue with her. Not that he would. Why would he try to stop Kyoko-chan from trying to show off how awesome she is?

Kyoko-chan’s determination is one of the reasons he fell so hard for her in the first place.

Tsuna feels sillier and lighter than he usually does when he is with her. When he is thinking about her. The usual anxiety that accompanies the butterflies in his stomach isn’t present today.

If it’s a Doom Day thing it is a good Doom Day thing. He will take it over having to follow Inari around through a sewer any day.

“Alright,” smiles and lets her guide him over toward the game.

All around them happy people are mulling about eating overly sweet carnival foods, playing games, shopping at the stalls. It’s everything that he always wanted from a Doom Day festival and never had because he had always been too useless to make friends and he had never really cared enough to try and improve himself.

The world had been grey unless Inari was around to fill it with color.

That is until the demon toddler showed up an started shooting him in the head with “magic bullets.” He’s not exactly sure what the deal is with the Dying Will thing is. Inari seems pretty convinced that it is magic, and though Tsuna doesn’t often agree with the sci-fi fantasy magic tangents that his brother goes on he’s pretty sure that he’s on to something with this one.

Tsuna doesn’t really have any way to explain how he catches fire and is filled with power and energy and is suddenly so much more than he usually is.

He can hold onto it more and more now too.

Suddenly darkness falls and Tsuna looks up into a stray night sky and an enormous blue moon.

“Wow, it’s so pretty,” Kyoko-chan says as the two of them look up.

“Yeah~” Tsuna has to make a very real effort so the words ‘not as pretty as you,’ don’t come tumbling out of his mouth. There is a limit to how cheesy things can get and even he knows that’s over the limit.

They are startled back down to earth by the sounds of popping fire works and sparklers. There are small explosions of light and color. Butterflies made of indigo fire flapping around.

“Hey, Tsuna are you seeing this!?” Takeshi calls out from where he and Hayato are competing at the ring toss.

“Pay attention baseball-moron or I’m going to beat you!”

“In your dreams Haya-kun.”

“It’s so cool!” Tsuna calls back over at them.

The world is floaty and soft and there is a wonderful sweet smell in the air now that reminds him of being at home with mom and Inari and watching as they pour over one of Grandpa’s old recipe books making something that none of them could pronounce but would taste amazing.

He and Kyoko sway and bump into each other giggling all the way over to the game booth.

There’s a Tanuki running the game. And vaguely, distantly, Tsuna realizes that this should be a strange thought, but here he is a mouse on a date with a lioness. He doesn’t really want to interrupt the perfect strangeness of this moment.

“How much to play?” Kyoko-chan asks bright and determined as she shows off her fangs.

“400 yen for ten darts,” The tanuki informs her, “If you manage to pop ten on your first go you can try for ten more.

She slams the money down on the counter with a smirk and gladly accepts the handful of colorful plastic darts.

And the game starts.

Takeshi and Hayato eventually tire of the ring toss and wander over in time to see some carnival shenanigans in the form of a trick balloon. Kyoko-chan is about to put down more money for a second round when Tsuna points it out.

“He’s cheating.”

Tsuna doesn’t want her spending on him. He knows money is tight for her family. He’s happy to spend time with her.

“Cheating isn’t nice,” Takeshi comments and the wolf head smiles threateningly as he uses his height to loom over the Tanuki.

“Now hold on, I don’t want any trouble.”

“But you were cheating,” Reborn says appearing out of nowhere, “Why don’t you give them a bonus round.”

“Bonus round?”

“Unlimited darts for one minute.”

“And if I refuse?”

Kyoko-chan and Hayato don’t give Reborn a chance to come up with a nasty alternative to his proposition. Kyoko-chan cracks her knuckles menacingly and Hayato opens his jacket and flashes something to the Tanuki that has him paling dramatically.

Tsuna hopes it isn’t dynamite. They just talked about that.

Everyone he knows is crazy.

But he supposes he is a little bit crazy too.

“Fine, fine, fine,” The booth keeper relents, “But I’ll raise you one more. If you kids can pop every ballon in one minute all the prizes are yours. If not, you're going to spend the rest of the night working for me.”

“Hieee!?”

“Deal,” Kyoko-chan says and shakes his hand.

Tsuna sees him wince.

She is so strong~

And the game starts.

* * *

* * *

They get two players and Takeshi gets nominated as Kyoko-chan’s second. And together the two of them proceed to absolutely decimate the game. Together Tsuna is pretty sure they are the strongest and fastest. He, the kids, and Hayato cheer them on, or in Hayato’s case shout obscenities at the booth runner and Takeshi.

Futa and Lambo are having a ball.

Inari joins them too.

He walks up behind and rests a hand on Futa’s shoulder.

And-

He hadn’t said anything.

Tsuna knows his brother better than anyone else. In someways he knows him better than he knows himself.

Inari would have said something.

He would have taken one look at the scene and have started a running commentary. Reborn would have come over and been listening to him talk and he would have picked up Lambo so he had a better view.

That’s what Inari would have done.

But Tsuna had been caught in a haze of fun and sweet smells and dazzling lights.

It had seemed perfectly normal.

And then the monster had shown up.

And now his brother is on the ground.

* * *

* * *

“Perhaps Cain and Abel would have been an apter allegorical reference.”

Tsuna looks up through the haze of guilt and confusion and sees a man. There is a man standing several feet away from them, thick corded stitches running across his mangled face. And a terrible smile curling at the corners of his mouth.

He is watching them and laughing and clapping as they all gather around his brothers beaten and unmoving body.

He’s laughing like something about this is funny.

Tsuna is immediacy terrified of this person.

There is something about this man that sends a shiver of dread down Tsuna’s spine. Something that has nothing to do with the twisted and strange way that he looks.

Something familiar. 

“I remembered that you were able to spot me last time so I cooked up something extra special for you,” the man continues stretching out dramatically, and for a split second Tsuna sees the outline of another person entirely standing there.

....a pineapple?

“Tsuna,” Reborn’s voice is low and warning. His hands are still on Inari and there is an intense golden light that feels terrifying and enormous coming off of him and curling around Inari.

Tsuna’s first reaction to that light was to run away, it’s too much it’s too big it had to be hurting Inari.

But his brother actually seemed to relax under the intensity of it, and his bruises were starting to fade ever so slightly.

Had Reborn always been able to do that?

“Tsuna!” Reborn snaps, louder this time and Tsuna comes to attention. He pulls himself up off the ground and places himself between Inari and this person.

He had made a promise to himself after all. He was going to protect his brother. He would make it up to him. When he was better he swears it. But right now everything in him is screaming that the biggest threat to all of them is this person covered in stitches.

That’s staring at them with familiar red and blue eyes.

With the kanji for six inside of the red.

He’s seen these eyes before.

“W-who are y-you?” Tsuna demands, hating the way that his voice cracks and breaks from stress and panic.

“W-what do you want?!”

The man's face goes lax and blank as he stares back at Tsuna.

It feels almost judgemental.

“I hate repeating myself, it’s such a waste of time. The little chatty one can fill you in on the details when he wakes up.”

The man pauses, and then he smiles.

Only it’s not a smile.

Smiles don’t look like that.

“Or maybe he won’t. I had to get a little rough with him and broken some things. But if you think about it I did you a favor, all that talking must get on your nerves. He’ll be much quieter now.”

What. He did what?

The terror that the implication sets inside of him is immediate and all-consuming and Tsuna feels the flames start to lick up around his hands in somewhat painful spirals.

Good.

Let it hurt. He doesn’t care. He will gladly put up with whatever pain for the rest of his life if it means that Inari will talk again.

He has to be able to talk again.

What had this monster done to his brother?   


A terrible inhuman snarl comes out of Reborn and a shot rings out. Tsuna doesn’t even have time to fully process the thought that is forming in his own mind. The implications of what this ‘person’ (is it a person?) said.

The bullet buries itself into the man’s shoulder with a sick THUNK. But he doesn’t stumble or fall. He doesn’t give any indication at all that he notices that he had been shot.

A moment passes and then he slowly raises his hand to his shoulder and then Tsuna has to fight to keep from throwing up as he watches the man jam a finger into the puller wound and starts digging around.

“Jesus fucking Christ,” Hayato breathes in horror.

Kyoko-chan gabs his arm and squeezes tightly.

Takeshi still isn’t reacting. He’s still staring fixedly down at Inari, not moving, not blinking. He didn’t even flinch when Reborn fired that short.

This is bad, this is really, really bad.

“Did I hit a nerve Arcobaleno?”

The man has the guts to mock Reborn of all people.

Tsuna actually doesn’t know which of them is scarier right now, and he finds himself frozen in fear trapped between the enormous burning rage that Reborn is exuding and the cold fever that this, this stitch-man puts into him.

Why couldn’t they have just had a nice day at the festival? Why did it have to turn out like this!?

Why does it ALWAYS turn out like this?!

Reborn’s eyes flash and for the briefest moment Tsuna swears that he sees rings of molten golden fire blaze in the centre of the toddler's huge black button eyes.

“Hieeeee!”

What are the chances that he can grab Inari and drag him out of here?

Zero.

Less than zero probably.

Like negative a million because Tsuna is a wimpy looser who can hardly carry his own weight let alone another person.

Maybe if all of them work together....

No, he doesn’t know how safe it is to move Inari right now. Tsuna is about as far from a medical professional as a person can be and even he knows that his brother's neck and arm don’t look like they should be moving around without being secured or fixed.

“You may still be able to fix the poor thing,” the man continues smugly apparently reading Tsuna’s mind which is all sorts of uncomfortable. “Too bad that you don’t have a doctor on call, Kufufufufu~”

He’s angry.

Tsuna is angry is so, so very angry. The world has started to sharpen and clarify around this person, around his enemy and Tsuna wants to hurt him. He wants to beat him until he is no longer moving.

All of that fire is ready to explode in his chest. He’s ready to-

He’s terrified that he’ll hurt his brother again if he lets himself fall into that pool of rage and fire again.

And he would rather die than let something like that happen again. Tsuna doesn’t care how good it feels he’s not going to go out of control like that ever again.

But he knows he’s going to need to use the fire again if they’re gong to get out of this alive.

“Yeah, I never did bother finishing with that medical degree,” Doctor Shamal says as he walks through what looks like an invisible wall closely followed by Miki-san. Where the heck?!

Actually, no, never mind.

Miki-san slams her knee into the stitch-man’s midsection as Shamal walks casually past him. She follows it up with a swift elbow to the back of the head and a flip that lands him hard on the pavement.

“Thanks, sweetie~” Shamal coos back at her.

“Doctor Shamal!” Tsuna cries out with relief, “Miki-san!”

He might not like this man, but that dislike is easily overpowered by: ‘oh, thank god and actual adult person who can deal with this crazy shit.

Because as much as Reborn likes to boss him around and pretend to be in charge, Tsuna can’t get over the fact that he is still just a baby. A ridiculously strong and intelligent mafia baby. But still a baby. 

“I’m going to go keep an eye on him,” Kyoko-chan says. She gives him a swift squeeze on his arm as she rushes over to where Miki-san has the man pinned down.

At least she is still able to function. Tsuna still feels too shaky and stunned to move. Takeshi is completely frozen in place and Hayato’s attention is buzzing around manically.

None of them really know what to do.

Usually Inari knows what to do.

Or Reborn with have some sort of plan.

Tsuna has no idea what he should be doing right now. The man who hurt his brother is on the ground and there is a doctor here. So are they done? Is it finished?

Can they call it a night and go home? Or rather call it a night and go to the hospital.

He’ll have to go find mom. She’ll know what to do. She always knows what to do to make things better.

“Where the hell have you BEEN,” Hayato asks, angry, and shrill, and yet so very glad. Tsuna already knows that as much as Hayato complains about Shamal he is actually happy that the man is there watching his back.

He’s still terrified that Bianchi will come back one day.

Terrified that his father will come and find him one day.

Tsuna wishes that he was strong enough that his friend never had to worry about such terrible things.

Shamal gives them all an incredulous look.

“I was a little busy,” He says as he gestures back with a wide sweep of his hand looking harassed and irritated.

“There are more important things to worry about than your new honey!!” Hayato shrieks.

“I meant the monster mask running around back there you dumb fucking brats!”

What?

He can’t see or hear anything past their little space here. Everyone who had been milling about the games had run off when the monster... when they had all started attacking Inari.

Shamal elbows past Tsuna who does him best to wiggle out of the way without completely taking his eyes off of either Inari or the stitch-man that Miki-san has pinned to the ground. It would be nice to be able to move his eyes like Leon. There is too much that Tsuna needs to keep track of right now.

He ends up backing up right into Takeshi who is still giving no indication of being aware of anything.

“Takeshi,” Tsuna hisses. Trying to snap his friend out of it.

Takeshi turns his head slightly so that Tsuna make out his expression past the wolf mask and-

He looks absolutely devastated.

He looks how Tsuna feels right now.

“What are you talking about,” Reborn asks Shamal, drawing Tsuna’s attention back down.

“You really need to get that block fixed, I told you what a stupid idea it was in the first place, but now you really are going to get yourself killed. And then who’s going to pay me?”

“Shamal,” Reborn snaps.

“YOU. ARE. ALL. IN. AN. ILLUSION,” Shamal enunciates slowly and deliberately.

And as soon as he says it the world starts to crack around them. That invisible wall that Tsuna had noticed, but hadn’t really been able to think of once Shamal passed through it shatters and breaks into a million pieces that briefly glow and intense blue.

The roaring hits his ears before anything else. And if the man had seemed familiar before, it is nothing compared to now when Tsuna can see those hulking monstrosities. Huge and bulbous and deformed bodies protruding growths of violet crystals.

There is an answering roar and the ground shakes. Tsuna whirls around to see another one. There is another one. They had only been barely able to handle one and even then Shamal had to save them from that.

It doesn’t look like either of them have noticed them here yet though.

They aren’t too close yet.

Which means they may still be able to get away.

With Shamal and Miki-san here they will probably be able to move Inari and get away and-

Screaming.

People are screaming.

And crying.

...

...

...

They can’t leave it like this.

Tsuna could never forgive himself for it.

Inari wouldn’t let something like this go unanswered.

....

And also...

It feels like he’s forgetting something.

Something important.

“Are you sure you should be doing that?” Shamal asks drawing Tsuna’s attention back down to where the doctor has crouched next to Inari and Reborn. Tsuna isn’t really sure what it is that Reborn is doing, other than the scary glowing thing that has been leeching the deep bruises out of his brothers skin.

“If I remember right healing really isn’t your THING. Too much output, high risk of pain an burning.”

“Not with him,” Reborn says quietly, barely loud enough for Tsuna to hear. Not that it really matters he really isn’t following anything in this conversation.

“You must be joking,” Shamal says as he starts to examine Inari’s arm and throat. When Reborn doesn’t say anything else he snorts, “Congratulations, you finally met someone with an even more ridiculous capacity than you.”

“Is Inari going to be alright?” Takeshi’s voice comes out small and broken as he looks down at Inari.

He’ll be fine.

He’ll be fine, he’ll be fine, he’ll be fine.

He has to be fine.

One of the monsters roars again and the ground quakes.

“The little shit disturber will be fine. I just need to see what exactly has been done to him.”

“Well, first I STRANGLED him to keep him from screaming, and then when he refused to cooperate and stay still like a good little boy I wrenched his arm out of place.”

The man is THERE. He’s standing right next to Tsuna now. The hash stitches across his face are even more gross to look at close up. Tsuna can’t breath. There is something about this mans presence that feels so very wrong.

“You are much more irritating than I ever would have expected Trident Shamal.”

“TSUNA LOOK OUT!” Hayato screams and Tsuna only has a split second to move before something slices through the air dangerously close to his head.

He flails and falls. Slamming onto his back splayed out next to his brother.

Ow.

He needs to work on that.

A shot rings out. Loud so loud when he is basically right next to his head. And he watches as the man falls. His eyes rolling back, with a bullet hole in the centre of his forehead.

Takeshi’s katana slices through the body at breakneck speed cutting it in half entirely. His eyes are wide and mad and manic.

And then the body vanishes.

Into thin air.

“What the hell!”

Reborn swears. It’s in Italian, but even though Tsuna can’t understand what is said he knows swearing when he hears it.

“Illusion,” Shamal intones as he maneuvers Inari’s arm around and there is a sickening pop and crack as he puts it back into place.

The man appears again. Cackling like a lunatic.

A flash of blue light rippling out does something strange. Freezing and distorting the image as Takeshi’s katana rams straight through the man.

And Tsuna sees it again.

That afterimage of another person standing there.

It’s a crazy thought. It’s more of an Inari thought really. But Tsuna is sure now that there is someone else controlling this person.

“Can you tell where the real one is?” Reborn demands.

Tsuna really doesn’t like that Reborn seems just as lost as he is right now.

“I wish, no, this is way beyond my skill set,” Shamal chuckles humourlessly.

Takeshi is spinning around plowing through copy after copy. Each of them vanishing as he lands a hit on them. And they might not be REAL, but they are still managing to hit him back. One of them appears behind him and Tsuna’s breath catches in his throat, “TAKESHI!”

A tent pole slams hard across the man's chest and he is sent flying ten feet before vanishing.

“You have a hell of a swing Sasagawa,” Takeshi-kun says, sounding somewhat steadier now.

“Not too shabby yourself Yamamoto,” Kyoko-chan smirks back at him.

Tsuna exchanges a glance with Hayato who is also watching their friends closely. They aren’t going to just leave them to fight alone. Tsuna might still be scared out of his wits but he always feels braver when they are all together.

He has to be extra brave right now.

For his brother.

He starts pushing himself up, but he is stopped short by a hand grabbing his wrist tightly and a static shock running up the entirety of his arm up to his head. He has no idea how one person can generate so much static electricity as his brother. Every time they touch he gets a little jolt and shock and-

“INARI!”

His brother's eyes are wide open. His pupils blown out and the usual bright amber of his eyes has turned a molten orange in the light of the setting sun. But his eyes are open and he’s looking at Tsuna.

Suddenly Tsuna can feel it again. That warmth in his heart and the continuous steady beat that tells him that he’s not alone.

Is Inari awake?

Had whatever Reborn and Shamal done fixed him?

Is he okay now?!

“Monello!” Reborn calling out too, placing a small hand gently on his brother's face getting a look at his eyes.

Inari looks at him for a brief moment before his eyes slide shut again.

The hand on his wrist squeezes again and there is a pulse of SOMETHING and Tsuna feels a buzzing thrumming under his skin. Spots are swimming in his vision and he ends up rapidly blinking trying to clear it up.

Inari’s hand goes lax and drops back down to the pavement.

Tsuna blinks once more and when his eyes open again the world looks absolutely bizarre. Lines of deep blue neon are running across absolutely everything. The ground, the booths, the nearby buildings all the way down Main Street toward city hall and beyond. He can see people running now. Running and screaming. Fleeing from the multiple and multiplying crystal monsters.

There are members of the Defence Committee that are attacking them but every time the crystals break they start to regrow into new crystal monsters. Smaller than the big ones with the fleshy bits, but they are sharper and faster and they are attacking the people of Namimori.

Hibari-san is probably somewhere out there having the time of his life smashing things. This might be one of the few times that Tsuna

It is absolute chaos.

Oh god.

**Mom**.

Where is Mom!?

“TSUNA-NII!!!!!” Futa screams desperate and terrified.

**Futa**.

He had forgotten Futa.

He had completely forgotten that he had been there, had been with them! How could he have done that?   


These are the people that are after Futa!

“FUTA!” He calls out.

He sees him now. The bunny mask has completely fallen off of his face and he’s looking back at Tsuna with tears running down his eyes and faint thread of hope now that he realizes that he has been seen.

The curtain of dark blue fire that had been obscuring him from view extinguishes almost immediately and Tsuna knows without looking, without asking that everyone else sees him now too.

He’s being restrained by a teenager with short messy brown hair.

He doesn’t have eyes.

In place of eyes, there are violet crystals that reflect from multiple angles it looks super creepy like, like-

**Like fly eyes!**

Yeah, like that.

Tsuna is on his feet and half way to Futa before he even realizes what he’s doing.

“Stop struggling you little brat!” The fly eyed teen snaps at Futa as he struggles to keep hold of the huge red book and the boy at the same time.

“TSUNA-NII HELP!” Futa screams.

“He can’t see or hear you kid, just quit while your ahead. The boss's illusions are top-notch. Decimo doesn’t even notice that you're gone.”

**FUCK YOU ASSHOLE!**

“LET GO OF HIM!” Tsuna yells. And the teen jumps and yelps as Tsuna throws a punch at him.

**....You call that a punch... dude self defense classes are in your immediate future**.

Yeah, Tsuna doesn’t really know what he’s doing with the violence thing. He mostly just swings and hopes for the best. Which turns out okay when he’s raging and hopped up on the ‘magic fire’ but not so well when he’s not.

“Shit, Oi boss, a little help here!” The teen calls out and the Stitch-Man looks over at them with absolute murder in his eyes.

“Tony, I told you to get him out of here.”

“Yeah, and if you wanted brute force you would have sent Ken to do this shit not me. The kid won't stop squirming and the book weighs three hundred pounds at least,” Tony snaps back at him as he still easily manages to dodge out of the way of Tsuna’s punch.

“I’m a little busy dealing with the Arcobaleno and Decimo’s cohorts right now, get one of your minions to do it,” One of the copies of the Stitch-Man snarls. There are so many of them now. Probably because between Reborn and his friends the illusions are being destroyed almost as fast as they appear.

**Do you see those shots that he’s taking? They change direction in mid-air! That is so fucking cool!**

It is pretty cool, but he has more important things to deal with now.

“They aren’t really gentle with fragile cargo you know.”

“I don’t need the boy in one piece. I just need him mentally functional.”

Tsuna’s stomach drops right now. He has to do something. He has to do something now!

**Yeah, grab Futa, like now when he’s distracted.**

Tsuna lunges and tries to grab hold of Futa’s arm to try and pull him back towards himself.

Tony yanks him back out of the way before Tsuna can get a hold on him. It’s not that he’s not fast enough, his reactions are just too sluggish and slow.

**God damn it. It’s like your running Windows Vista in here. You need fucking admin access to do anything. Fucking seal.**

...What?

He’s obviously been spending way too much time listening to Inari’s nonsensical monologues, even his inner voice is starting to sound like his brother.

Tsuna doesn’t have time to worry about it, because the next second an enormous crystal-like projectile is flying at his head.

**MOVE IDIOT!**

Before he can entirely process what is happening Tsuna’s entire body lurches in a dive to the ground. He braces with the palms of his hands in a way that he has done before, but never when he isn’t running madly on one of those bullets.

He springs back up to his feet and feels that familiar pulse of energy course through his entire body.

But no rage.

No blinding anger and single minded drive.

**Give me a second I’m working on it.**

The crystal collides with one of Hayato’s ‘designer’ explosives. There is no sound as it detonates in a flash of red and white-hot fire and the entire jagged thing just dissolves in mid-air before ever hitting the ground.

Tsuna has no idea how Hayato manages to make those things, but he has hundreds of them now and each of them has a different amazing effect. When Tsuna had told his friend to quit it with the life-endangering dynamite, he had no idea that these were the kinds of things that would come of it.

Hayato is a genius.

And he never believes it when Tsuna says it to him.

“Are you alright Tsuna-sama?!” Hayato asks as he skids to a halt at his side.

“I-I’m fine.”

“Dame-Tsuna stop him!” Reborn’s voice cuts through Tsuna’s stupor and he sees Tony beginning to back away toward a hoard of violet crystal creatures. He has somewhat ducked himself behind Futa’s body using the little boy as a human shield.

**STOPHIMSTOPHIMSTOPHIMSTOPHIM**

HOW!?

**GO. AFTER. HIM.**

But Inari-

**Inari is going to kick your ass if you let anything happen to that precious start child.**

“Cazzo! Shamal-“

“I got the walking disaster, go make sure that we don’t have a full-scale underworld war on our hands!”

Reborn doesn’t even say anything. In a second he’s past Tsuna his hair a wild mess the pacifier around his neck giving off waves of that unsettling golden light. The gun in his hand is a cold grey metal rather than the usual lime green that makes the weapon look like a children’s toy.

**Where’s Leon?**

That question is answered almost immediately as sticky tongue latches to the side of Tsuna’s face and suddenly he has a small lizard crawling up into his hair.

“HIEEEEE!?”

Why!? Why is the weird lizard thing on him now!?

**Worry about that later!**

**Stitch-man’s real body is behind the shooter game. Let Shamal and Miki-chan know and then book it.**

“His real body is behind the shooter game!” Tsuna calls out as he follows after Reborn his legs not giving him an option not to.

“Tsuna!?” Takeshi asks.

“They can’t get away with Futa-kun!” Tsuna yells out to everyone, “Inari would never forgive us!”

As he yells for a brief hysterical moment he swears he hears a trumpet sound.

Bizarre.

**That’s one word for it I guess.**

Takeshi has caught up to him in an instant. His sword is drawn and there is a pulse of blue and white light rippling through the blade.

“You’re right Tsuna,” He says, “thanks.”

And then he’s blasting out in front of the pack, almost catching up with reborn who is firing off shot after shot on the crystals creatures that keep throwing themselves into their groups path.

**That is the propagation property of Cloud Flames taken to its absolute zenith. Whoever came up with that was either brilliant of psychotic.**

Tsuna isn’t sure what ‘Cloud Flames’ are but he’s pretty sure that psychotic is the word to describe whoever created these things. Every time one of them breaks under the force of one of their attacks they just reform again. And the broken pieces just start to form together to make new ones.

Everyone is doing their best trying to break through the hoard to keep up with Tony and Futa. Tsuna is starting to feel more and more useless. He’s not as strong as them he can’t blast through these things the way his friends can.

He definitely can’t keep up with Reborn. He’s even surer now than he was before that the baby is an actual literally demon.

**More of option A than B, but off on both counts.**

He’s starting to feel sluggish again. And he’s afraid to reach for the fire.

Afraid that if he does he’ll hurt someone he loves again.

...

**It wasn’t your fault.**

Tsuna dodges past a sharp and jagged violet arm. It drags painfully across his cheek and he feels the blood starting to run down the side of his face.

It was his fault. He should have noticed. He always notices. That’s the only thing he has ever been good at.

**We’re going to call this one on account of cosmic interference and a mind-controlling megalomaniac with an army of mad science experiments at his disposal.**

It hurts, but he grits his teeth and scrambles between the monster's legs. He’s hyper-focused on Futa who has now been passed off to one of the crystal monsters.

He can’t do this.

**You're still on fire, you can catch him no problem.**

And he’ll lose it again. He can’t...

**No, you won’t. Not this time, not anymore.**

There are tears stinging at the corners of Tsuna’s eyes now, and he fights off a wrenching sob. And he suddenly realizes-

“Inari?” He whispers amid the sounds of chaos and fighting.

**Yeah, Bro-Bro?**

“How?”

**Who knows. I’m just doing this whole force ghost, Obi-Wan Kenobi ‘Luke I will be with you always,’ thing.**

“You’re not dead!!” He says vehemently, “you’re not are you?”

It’s a terrifying thought that his brother could have died there while he ran off without him. He’s not. He can’t be.

“Please don’t leave me alone.”

Tsuna has come to a complete stop and it feels like time has come to a complete stop too. There is a warmth pulsing in the center of his forehead and can almost feel a hand slide into his and squeeze.

**No, no I’m not. But even if I was Tsu-**

**I would never leave you.**

**Not in a million billion gagillion years.**

There are tears running down Tsuna’s face now as the world starts pulling itself back into frame into motion. He’s going to have to move again. He’s going to have to fight.

The phantom hand in his own squeezes again.

**Fortune favors the bold Bro-Bro. Say what you're going to do and then fucking do it.**

The fire ignites.

The fire ignites and its nothing like any of the other times.

It’s not the slow painful drag of when he tries to reach for it himself.

It’s not the force that overpowers him completely when Reborn shoots him.

It’s easy and warm in his hands.

....

Like it used to be.

**Close enough for now. I did what I could and Reborn has been doing his best to power through that thing. Remind me to buy him a cookie, I had no idea how hard that would be.**

He’s going to protect his friends.

He’s going to protect his brother.

He’s going to rescue Futa.

And he’s going to KILL THE FUCKER WHO DARED HURT HIS FAMILY!

A ball of soft radiant white light and two yellow eyes blink at him from within.

~~That’s much better.~~

~~Take this gift and do us proud.~~

Tsuna reaches inside. He doesn’t think about the ‘why’s’ or the ‘how’s’ of this moment. He knows with absolute certainty that in his hands will be a weapon crafted from starlight and resolve.

It forms in his hands and finds its shape in his mind's eye. Nothing flashy. Nothing with any special connotations attached to it.

A weapon for Sawada Tsunayoshi. 

**I like it, I was never really keen on the whole history repeated itself trope.**

Time starts again. Three of the crystal golems are bearing down on him. Kyoko-chan screams his name and a shot rings out in the distance.

And Tsuna is holding a stick.

He’s holding a big stick and it’s a really cool majestic looking stick, and he has absolutely no idea what to do with it.

**It’s a bō staff Bro-Bro**.

Great, it’s a cool stick with a cool name. What the hell does he do with it?! These things are huge, and, yes, he feels aware and empowered, but that does not mean he knows anything about fighting with a stick!

Inari laughs and warmth bubbles up inside Tsuna’s chest.

**Alright, dude, chill. We got this. I got you. And you’ve got this.**

**Just consider this tutorial mode.**

Tsuna widens his stance and tightens his grip and raises the bō staff to block the first blow. Fire blazes across the surface orange and white from the intensity. He hears the crystal begin to crack and shatter from contact.

“Get out of my way,” Tsuna says. His voice carries weight and purpose like it never has before.

He pulls the staff back and arcs it back through the air. It collides once, twice, three times.

And when he comes to a stop each of the creatures has been turned to dust.

Tsuna looks up and he fixes his eyes once more on the golem that has Futa. On Tony who has the book. To a young man sitting perched on top of a fence under the light of the natural full moon. A look of unholy glee on his face.

The face of his enemy.

Tsuna breathes. Focuses. And moves.

The bō staff cracks into the ground and he uses the force and momentum to launch himself further into the fray. He lands and immediately has the staff spinning to slam an end into the head of a creature that is harrying Hayato. It bursts into shards as well and Hayato takes the opportunity to launch a furious barrage forward in an maelstrom of red.

Tsuna takes the gift and rushes forward down the cleared path.

He honestly has no idea how he is doing any of this. He is trusting in his intuition. Trusting in fire and the drive.

Somehow he knows that if he ever expects this to go as easily as this again he will be in for a nasty surprise.

This ability that he has right now...

This brief moment of knowledge will vanish once this is done.....

This is guidance from his brother, through the strongest bond he has, and ever will have.

This is a gift from a VERY. ANGRY. LIZARD.

Kyoko and Takeshi are flanking him keeping the tide of creatures at bay with blades and fists and howls and roars. At this moment, he feels like they are all perfectly in tune.

A thirst for vengeance echoed through their bond.

For the piece of their harmony that is missing.

Tsuna, for the briefest of moments, swears he hears music.

The sounds of a trumpet, of a piano, of bells, of a harp.

Of two more instruments: a flute in a furious dance of violent dictation, and a saxophone lying in wait for the perfect moment to strike.

**It’s nice to have external confirmation that I am not, in fact, crazy. Though considering our current situation and my current role as fucking Jiminy Cricket that might be a moot point.**

The music fades just as soon as it starts and Tsuna summons up the strength for one last burst.

He breaks through the last of the crystal golems as gun shots ring out faster than Tsuna would think possible for a six-shot revolver. But then Reborn is something else entirely. He would have to be to create a meteor shower of gold and heat and malice.

The ground is pummeled, and the remaining creations near the front are reduced to a glittering haze of violet sparkles that reminds Tsuna distinctly of Inari’s strange glitter bombs.

Reborn must like shiny things too.

That or he is just so far gone in the rage that he was just breaking things into as many pieces as humanly possible.

Tsuna thinks either option is acceptable in this circumstance.

His tutor walks through the chaos of his own creation hair standing on end and radiating that terrible, consuming, heavy aura. The centers of his eyes are smoldering with that intense unyielding ring of light. 

And Tsuna doesn’t really like Reborn. He is a disruptive, sadistic, spartan tutor who relishes in making Tsuna’s life difficult.

He’s terrifying.

But in this moment for the first time, he and Tsuna are on the same page.

Because these fuckers had attacked Inari.

And that is a good a reason as any to team up with your nemesis.

Tsuna charges at Tony who has the book in his grasp as Reborn slams one of his tiny fists into the leg of the enormous crystal monster. It's one of the big ones, like the thing they had fought in the school gym. It’s the source of the rest of the crystal creatures. It’s screaming and roaring as more and more of the golems slaw off its body.

And it has a sobbing little boy held in its grasp.

Tony sees him and yells, “Boss!”

Tsuna doesn’t give him a chance to say anything else. The bō staff cracks hard across the teen's head and Tsuna sees a fissure form in his left eye. He hits the ground hard, the book flying out of his grasp. When he tries to go for it Tsuna plants the end of the staff in the center of his back to hold him down.

The monster roars as it is half obliterated by the force of Reborn’s strike. The baby hitman tears Futa out of is grasp dragging him away from it back and toward his friends who are now at his back.

They have Futa.

Have they won? Is it over?

“You really are something else aren’t you Decimo,” a voice that is both familiar and completely unknown says accompanied by the turn of a thick page.

“You, the legendary hitman Reborn, these lovely ‘friends’ of yours,” another page turns and Tsuna feels a terrible sinking feeling in his gut.

“Even the husk of spare parts that you call your ‘brother’ in fact I think I like him best of all.”

A childlike smile pulls across a pale face and a strangely colored set of eyes.

One a deep indigo blue.

The other a flat red with the kanji for one within it.

“Who are you?” Tsuna asks again.

The young man flips to another page and doesn’t respond. Futa has started to chant, ‘stop reading, stop reading-‘ in the background. This is bad. Tsuna knows this is bad.

They need to get the book back.

Reborn had said that the book has information that could bring ruin to the world. There is no way that they can let this person have it. This person has hurt his brother so badly.

If he moves he can tear it away from him.

Tsuna feels frozen and he doesn’t understand why. There is nothing particularly intimidating about this person. A pale, thin, young man with hair that strangely resembles a pineapple of all things.

Reborn fires his gun and the bullet passes straight through the persons head with out any effect.

How?!

“Nice try Arcobaleno, but I know better than to put myself within range of you.”

“You should probably start looking into space travel then,” Reborn snarls. There is a strange silhouette growing around the infant, long and lean, and much bigger than his shadow should be.

The shadow of a man.

“Because nothing short of Mars is going to be outside my ability to find you and kill you in ways that you cannot possibly fathom.”

Eep.

Tsuna’s heart is hammering in his chest. He actually doesn’t know who the scariest person here is anymore. The obvious villain? The screaming monster that is starting to pull itself back up to its feet? Or Reborn?

The book snaps closed abruptly. The young man's fingers are trembling and his eyes are wide as he stares at Reborn.

And then he starts cackling.

“He’s pretty crazy isn’t he?” Takeshi whispers in his ear.

“He’s a fucking fruitloop,” Hayato adds. 

Tsuna nods in agreement.

He really can’t think of a better way to describe someone who thinks Reborn threatening to kill them is funny.

“It’s a little too late for that,I have the book, I have everything I need to start enacting the next stage,” he smirks wide and triumphant and if Tsuna thought it would do anything he would go and smash his stupid face in.

“The next time we meet Vongola Decimo it will be your end and the end of everything that you and your Family hold dear.” He holds out the book to the side, as if he is passing it to someone. “Tony get this back to the compound and tell Artemis and Phoebe that it’s time to die for something beautiful. I think I’ve just about had it with this nonsensical town.”

“Right-o boss,” A cheerful voice chirps.

The bō staff clicks against the pavement.

Tsuna hears his friends cry out in alarm as suddenly Tony is standing next to the young man's hands outstretched to receive the book as a massive club-like arm of jagged violet crystals smashes to the ground behind them creating a crater.

This can’t be real! This can’t be happening!

“Reborn!” Tsuna panics, wails, his bravery and fire starting to fail in the face of the enormity of what is happening.

Did he just say that he was going to destroy Namimori!?

How?!

Why?!

The book is being handed over and the young man is still smirking.

And then the book is snatched out of his hand.

By a hand protruding from the water fountain that the two of them had been standing next to. And then the water fountain stands up and a cutesy voice that Tsuna has come to associate with fear says: “Stealing is wrong.”

And Haru bolts past both of them as the both stare in absolute incomprehension at what had just transpired and pivots to a halt behind Tsuna.

“... What.”

And maybe there was more to that thought and maybe there wasn’t, but at this point, Tsuna doesn’t really care because the monster behind them is trashing and more and more of those smaller crystal things are starting to close in on them.

“Tony get it back!”

“Mukuro do you always have to be so bossy?”

“Idiot do as I say!” The young man, Mukuro(?), shrieks.

“Yeah, yeah, yeah,” Tony’s crystalline eyes flask and suddenly all the creatures turn and start lunging for them.

“He’s the one controlling these ones!”

Kyoko-chan’s fist slams into Tony’s face before he finishes speaking.

And that might have been enough to paralyze the hoard on its own, but it’s Takeshi’s sword that shoved through his back that has them all shuttering and convulsing.

“B-boss?”

He doesn’t say anything else. Because then he’s dead.

“Tony?” Mukuro asks.

Takeshi pulls his blade back and Kyoko-chan steps out of the way and the teen's body smacks into the ground and doesn’t move.

“Tony!” Mukuro repeats more insistent this time.

The big monster has started wailing and Tsuna can hear a reedy voice through the echoing roars ‘TONY, TONY, TONY.’

Mukuro’s eyes zero in on Tsuna.

“All right then,” he says and his smile twists into something terrible and cruel, “I was going to wait for this, but I suppose I just have to kill him now. Just so we’re even. Oh, and I hope you have fun with those things Decimo. Without Tony to control them, they will just be destroying things at random until the degradation factor kicks in, in, say, six hours, you may even be able to save a few innocents... Though I doubt it.” The face flattens into something menacing and cold, “Ciao.”

He snaps his fingers and he’s gone. And Tsuna is filled with absolute dread.

“Inari-

* * *

* * *

I wake up.

I wake up and I immediately regret it because fucking OW!

It feels like there are spiders made of steal crawling around in my throat. My head is pounding like crazy and my shoulder... I don’t even know if there are words to describe the conflicting sensations of numbness and agony that is coursing through my arm and shoulder.

What the hell happened?

Okay, that’s a rhetorical question. I do remember the part where Rokudo Mukuro tried to tear my arm off whilst in the body formerly known as Arno Estraeno. I even remember the part where Tsuna cold clocked me while thinking I was a monster. And while that gives me conflicting feelings of betrayal and pride I do have more pressing issues to deal with at the current moment.

“Move, move, move, move, move!” Lambo, fifteen-year-old Lambo, is chanting over me as a hulking amalgamation of crystal, flesh, and nightmares comes charging at us.

“FUCK!” I scream and swing my legs to force the rest of my body to roll the two of us out of the way.

WHY CRYSTAL MONSTER AGAIN!?

I am having terrible flashbacks to Assassin Con and combined with my barely-there thread of consciousness it isn’t adding up into anything good or useful.

And oh my god everything hurts so bad.

The crystal monster crashes hard through some booths and I see at least two dozen people that had apparently been hiding somewhere back there come bolting out and scatter through Main Street.

Unfortunately for them, Main Street seems to have been taken over by an army of grape sugar monsters.

What the fuck is going on.

How long was I unconscious for?! Did I miss the apocalypse!?

“Fratello are you alive?!” Lambo asks somewhat redundantly as he lobs a grenade over at the monstrosity that is starting to pick itself back up again. Its legs are blown out from underneath it and it collapses again.

I blink and then Hibari is there smashing his tonfa through the top of its head before he vaults off of it and lands in the fray of the sugar plum invasion and starts methodically smashing through the droves that are attacking the cities.

“No, I’m dead please try again later,” I say sarcastically.

I almost immediately feel bad because Lambo starts sniffling pathetically, “Thank god, I was so scared!”

Which is fair considering the current state of affairs, doesn’t really tell me WHY the current state of affairs exists and why I am awake when I should obviously be very, very unconscious right now.

Or why Miki-chan and Shamal have teamed up with Hibari and the Defence Committee to fight an army of sugar people.

Am I in an alternate universe?

Did a rift in space time open and start spewing alien creatures into the streets.

Wait.

ARE THESE DOOM MOON ALIENS!?

“FRATELLO!” Lambo snaps and I am once again brought back to reality. Right shits happening. Focus idiot.

“Where’s Tsuna?” I ask as I do my best to look around the battlefield using only my eyeballs because moving my neck right now isn’t an option.

“I don’t know. They were all gone by time I switched places with little me and I’ve been a little busy dealing with this fuckery.”

“Point taken.”

Had those assholes ditched me? Fuckers! The least they could have done after beating me up would be to drag my unconscious body around with them Earthbound style.

The monster comes charging back toward us again and I have to roll painfully onto my wrecked shoulder to avoid it. The world whites out and when my vision clears I throw up.

That was the worst possible thing I could do.

My throat was already feeling absolutely wrecked re: the sensation of steel spiders and the whole post strangulation thing. I am aurally surprised that I can talk at all right now.

Reborn must have worked some of his magic on me.

I really want Reborn right now if not for the whole he is monstrously strong thing, the thing where where he fixes me whenever I manage to fuck myself up.

“How much of my soul do you think I would need to sell for Reborn to let me cling to him like a hot water bottle full of magic morphine for the next month or so?” I ask Lambo in a terrible raspy ramble.

Have I mentioned how fucking happy I am to be able to talk again? No? Well I am really fucking happy.

Lambo quirks an eyebrow at me, “Why would he-“

The end of that thought is swallowed by the sound of explosions and shrapnel sailing past us at high speed.

I watch as at least six members of the Defence Committee and Civies fall to the ground in bloody heaps as the crystal shrapnel tears through them.

Okay, so apparently the sugar plum army can detonate at will. Good to fucking know. I don’t know what I’m going to do about that, but you know knowledge is power.

Oh god I think they might be dead.

What the hell is going on?!

What had Mukuro been here for again? Futa? Futa’s book of great and terrible secrets? Which are both really, really bad things that I absolutely do not want him to have but in no way explain why we are being besieged by the endlessly propagating cloud flame crystal army of doom.

Other than the fact that I always almost die on Doom Day.

“There you are,” Mukuro says and I almost jump straight out of my skin as Mukuro himself appears next to us. This time it’s the kanji for one in his eye.

And he looks a lot more... crazy than I was anticipating.

Lambo yelps and starts trying to drag me back, but unfortunately he is contending with Crazy Mc’Gee over here who has already shown that he has no problem with trying to rip my arm off.

I scream as agony jolts through me as he kicks Lambo off and starts dragging me by my bad arm out of our hiding spot into the clearing.

Toward the monster.

And my brain isn’t working super good right now but I know I don’t want to go there. I am vaguely aware that Mukuro is doing some whole serious monologue about costs and balancing the scales and something about Tsuna.

I need him to shut up now.

I manage to grab a bent piece of metal tubing that my pain addled mind has decided is a magic wand. Cool.

I don’t have my sparkles.

They always burn up anyway.

I don’t have the ray gun.

It never seems to charge right.

I have an imaginary magic wand and when Mukuro throws me on to the ground and tells the monster to kill me. I point the wand at him.

“Hey asshole,” I grit out through clenched teeth.

“Last words Sawada Inari,” He asks with a sickening smile, “I will be sure to pass them on to your dear brother.

“Sure last words... ABRA-KA-FUCK-YOU!” And a blast of orange lightning, more powerful than anything I have managed before shoots out of the end of the wand and strikes him dead on.

And he laughs.

For all of one second, and then he starts screaming.

Screaming and screaming and screaming.

“HOW. ARE. YOU. DOING. THIS!?” He screams in agony and confusion.

“Because I am a more powerful wizard than you are you COLOSSAL DICK!”

The body vanishes into what looks like television static made of indigo.

I hear heavy breathing from behind me. I roll my eyes back to see that he has remade himself. Only this time he is panting, sweating and shaking.

“YOu ArE GooING tO DiE SLowLY anD PAiNfuLLy.” And he raises a trident up above his head and over mine. “YoU ANd THIs CItY ANd ThE VOnGolA anD tHE MaFIA.”

Lambo screams and I hear Shamal swearing; “fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.”

People are screaming.

The monsters are winning.

I’m so far out of juice now that it isn’t even funny.

And then the speakers crackle on and music starts to play.

It’s soft at first and fades in an out.

But it gets louder.

And louder.

And louder.

As the music swells into a familiar form. It's louder than the speakers now. It is everywhere it is the loudest thing I have ever heard and it’s surrounding Namimori like a title wave.

“What is this?” Mukuro asks as his body flickers in and out of existence. He looks honestly terrified.

“You don’t recognize it?”

“What-

And then it comes crashing around us in four of the most infamous notes in music.

I know them well.

It’s her favorite after all.

You probably know them too.

The first four notes from the first movement of Beethoven’s 5th symphony.

“DA-DA-DA-DUMMMMM~”I sing along as the notes rock through the streets freezing the sugar plum army in their tracks. They shake and shudder and crack.

Mukuro rises shaking and he looks at me with such terrible confusion on his face that I almost feel bad for him.

I don’t.

Instead, I grin at him bearing my teeth and squinting my eyes down to slits the way that Grandpa used to do as the refrain hits and the crystal army starts to shatter.

Mukuro is flickering in and out of existence now and the people of Namimori, the ones that are still within my visual range who aren’t unconscious have frozen and are staring around in wonder.

And they are starting to light up with colors.

With blues and yellows.

Greens and reds.

Purples and oranges.

In fabulous and fantastic shades that swim and shine beneath their skin.

“KILL THEM ALL!” Mukuro screams at the monstrous creature that is still standing there creating more and more of the little constructs.

He doesn’t notice that the music is still playing. Through the speakers through the wires.

It is Beethoven’s 5th played in the sickest dubstep that shakes the ground and pounds with each furious footfall of the bear that is charging down the causeway.

She is enormous and radiant and made of hard light.

She smashes straight through the hoards. They dissolve just by being near her.

And she smashes right into and through the giant screaming monstrosity.

‘Mama?’ The voice of a tiny lost child asks.

‘Fly away home dear.’

And then there is silence and stillness.

She stops and looms over me and I stare back up at her with the goofiest smile on my face. She is nearly fifteen feet tall and made of impossibilities and light and music.Everything hurts and I am exhausted, but I have never felt safer in my entire life.

“And when I tell this story tomorrow not a living soul will believe me,” I giggle stupidly.

This time when I shut my eyes I don’t wake up again for a long, long time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Holy shit guys this chapter was a monster in more ways than one. And I have no idea if it worked out well or not. 
> 
> If nothing else writing from Tsuna’s POV was interesting (Tsuna why don’t you know as much as Inari?). And unfortunately for everyone you can’t punch an illusion in the face (though apparently you can electrocute it with SKY LIGHTNING!). But the kids aren’t quite finished with Mukuro yet. 
> 
> Please let me know what you thought of this one I know it was a little different than the usual. 
> 
> Thank you all so much for the comments and kudos. They give me the power to write every week. 
> 
> And as always I love hearing from you so let me know: Questions? Comments? Theories?
> 
> I’ll be back next week :)


	21. A Break To Breathe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes what you need some time to heal, a chance to catch your breath and reevaluate your place in the universe.

So... I had to have surgery.

Which on a list of fun things to do during summer vacation probably ranks somewhere near the bottom.

Actually, a megalomaniacal nutcase with the power to project his visage across continents and seas to command an army of constructs shorn from the body of a screaming child experiment to kill us all, also probably ranks pretty low down the list.

I’ll have to ask Futa. I’m sure his intergalactic statistically minded pen pals can drum up that data lickidy-split.

The kiddo has been pretty devoted to entertaining me with lists of amusing factoids since I have been aggressively ordered on bed rest.

I still think everyone is blowing this out of proportion. It’s only a separated shoulder.

And a shoulder fracture.

And torn ligaments.

And bone fragments.

And a broken collarbone.

Some pretty severe bruising and abrasions.

And a concussion.

And whiplash.....

When listed out like that it is actually kind of a lot. But still, it could be worse.

I could be dead.

And then Tsuna’s sudden interest in Star Wars and Force Ghosts might actually make sense.But hey, I checked and Star Wars is a thing that actually does exist in this bizarre universe.

Just with a different cast.

It is so weird.

Anyway, yeah, I had surgery. I lived. Everyone in our little adventuring party lived.

I think we all leveled up too.

Or, at least Tsuna and everyone did. I was a little too busy being a useless piece of garbage.

I mean Tsuna got a majestic stick of destiny and everything. Which is super cool and is in no way shape for form gloves to match those worn by Vongola Primo. He has no idea what to do with the majestic stick of destiny which is actually pretty hilarious. A few days ago I had the absolute pleasure of watching Reborn try to run Tsuna through some exercises with a bō staff and Tsuna managed to smack himself in the face, break a window, and trip himself and Hayato so that they went flying into Takeshi.

It was like watching a slapstick routine.

Only this time I wasn’t part of it.

Though I will say I appreciate Takeshi using himself as a human shield to protect my fragile broken body from being crushed under the weight of two idiot teenagers. That could have gone so much worse and then I really would be stuck on bed rest for the rest of eternity.

Honestly, I appreciate that everyone has gone out of their way to bring the hijinks to the comfort of the Sawada family living room so that I haven’t been left on my own for the past two weeks. I’m pretty sure that being left in the terror and silence of my own mind while staring blankly at a wall would do nothing to improve my already decaying mental state.

It’s probably a good thing that no one has really been talking about what happened. I mean beyond the checking in to make sure that everyone is okay and not about to fall to pieces.

Everything has been strangely quiet on the mafia front though. The epic finale of the Doom Day festival completely annihilated the crystal army, the human propagation machines, and had banished Mukuro.

Reborn and I chatted a bit before I went in for surgery. Something to keep my mind off the fact that someone was going to be slicing me open and messing around with my insides. Anyway, we pretty much came to the same conclusion that Mukuro isn’t in Namimori.

He’s probably not even in Japan.

I think he’s in Italy.

Reborn really doesn’t like that theory.

It’s an unsettling thought, that Mukuro can project illusions across continents and overseas.

Tsuna is hoping that he’s gone.

That was the end of it. He exploded with the rest of his Fantasia army under the force of Beethoven’s 5th symphony and the light that swept through everything.

Which would be nice. But I don’t think we're that lucky.

At most I think we managed to buy ourselves a little bit of time. I have a feeling that we haven’t seen the last of Mukuro and the Estraeno monstrosities.

Reborn had tried to contact Vongola HQ to let them know what had happened and the clear and present danger that the Estraeno pose to us. This is the second time that they have tried to overtly kill their heir after all.

Unfortunately, trying to communicate anything that happens on Doom Day to the outside world always turns out the same way. Incomprehension and almost immediate forgetfulness.

On the plus side, I got to witness the world’s greatest hitman crush his cellphone with his bare hand. And that had been pretty cool.

There is still a lot of shit that our adventuring party is going to have to talk about. I’m still pretty fucked up and I’m not the only one. Everyone got knocked around quite a bit. And that’s not really taking in the psychic damage that we all took.

We probably have to collectively deal with our PTSD before we can address the Mukuro looming on the metaphorical horizon.

Too bad we’re teenagers. I think we need some shots to have that conversation.

Or whiskey.

Hell, I would take a Hot Toddy at this point.

The point I’m trying to make is that I really want some alcohol.

I remember being old enough to drink. Which is weird.

A lot of things got knocked loose in my brain when I was... captured. And while I can suddenly vaguely remember some **THINGS** , being old enough to drink is one of the least upsetting things that I suddenly know.

Just as long as I don’t try to think about the situational aspects of the MEMORIES.

It’s easier not to think about it at all.

Things hurt enough as they are.

I know I’ll have to think about it eventually. I just need ... a little bit of a break first.

I can have that right?

I just...

It just...

**Hurts**.

...

It’s a good thing that Reborn can suddenly tell when I’m in pain and lonely now...

* * *

* * *

I wake up around five and my shoulder is absolutely killing me.

I’m alone in the living room and the house is dark and quiet. There is a soft light emanating from the kitchen. And a faint ticking of a clock which normally wouldn’t bother me but under current circumstances just grates on my nerves.

I could call mom.

She told me to call her if I needed anything.

She’s just upstairs.

I could even call Tsuna.

I pick up the remote and turn on the television. It’s almost time for Hinata Shoichi’s morning newscast. And if nothing else the beautiful newscaster should prove to be a decent distraction from the agony feedback loop.

Right now the highlights of yesterday’s Tigers game are playing.

It was a good game.

**PAINPAINPAINOHMYGODMYSHOULDERFEELSLIKEIT’SFALLINGAPPART**.

Takeshi had come over with his dad and we had cuddled up and watched the game and thrown popcorn at the television for four and a half hours while Mom and Yamamoto-san had some adult talk.

The adult talk had involved a lot of day drinking and tears.

Which me and Takeshi resolutely ignored.

Ow. Ow. Ow.

Tears are stinging at the corners of my eyes now and I feel like a complete and total baby.

It’s not that bad.

I’m fine.

Why does this hurt so bad?

**Compounding injuries will do that to you. Not to mention the whole not sleeping thing that you’ve been rocking. That’s not healthy. That’s not how you get better.**

I CAN’T sleep it feels like I’m being watched.

**Have you considered telling someone?**

Never. They’ve been fucked up by this enough. It will just make things worse.

**So will having you collapse**.

I’m fine.

**All evidence to the contrary dude.**

Shutupshutupshutup.

A hat drops down over my eyes and I breathe as a cascade of warmth and sunshine pulses into me taking away the pain and nausea. My over-tense muscles relax and I sink back down into the mountain of pillows that I have been reclining against.

“Monello,” Reborn greets softly as he reclines next to me.

“Hey man,” I greet as I use my good hand to prop the hat up and run my finger along the brim of the hat. Trying my best to rub the tears out of my eyes as I do so. 

Not that he hasn’t already noticed.

“You know one day you aren’t going to get this back,” I tease as I continue to fiddle with the brim of the fedora.

I think this hat must have anxiety attack fighting properties. Every time Reborn drops it onto my head it seems to cut my panic off at the knees.

Even when I don’t realize that I’m wearing it.

He hums in place of a reply and settles in pressed lightly against my sore side.

A lovely baroquian melody with a little bit of that mad fiddler is playfully dancing in my ears prompting my own drumbeat into a much less solemn depressing beat. It’s nice. It’s different, but it’s nice.

I reach up with my good hand and run a finger along the brim of the hat. Fiddling with it and adjusting it so it is no longer falling into my eyes. I really don’t understand the physics of Reborn’s fedora, but it is super cool.

A small sticky tongue affectionately baps against my finger. My little chameleon buddy saying good morning.

~~_You need to rest little one_ ~~

...

Or that...

On the TV the opening music of Hinata Shoichi’s newscast is starting to play accompanied by aesthetic shots of Namimori and I settle in and make myself more comfortable.

“I forgot your favorite program would be on,” Reborn observes knocking me out of my magical chameleon induced stupor.

Months ago he had commented on my obsession with the local morning newscast. And I had made up some bullshit about staying up to date with what's going on around town.

Considering he was recently treated to my disaster crush on Doll Face he’s probably caught onto the truth. Hinata Shoichi is a very pretty man with a very nice voice, and his newscasts are an endless source of amusement for me. There really isn’t any other local reporter who so perfectly exemplifies how very strange our fair city actually is. 

“Weekday mornings at six am dude.”

“Brat.”

He pinches me very gently on the arm for the ‘dude.’ I giggle because combined with the Sun Flames it more tickles than anything else.

“Easy Sunshine I’m still horribly injured you know,” I say with silly theatrics.

I’m overtired and basking in the warm pain relief so I’m not really paying attention to what I am saying until Reborn noticeably doesn’t answer.

...

Fuck it.

I’m owning it.

He can’t be the only one who gets to come up with nicknames.

He’s staring at me.

I stare back with a raised eyebrow until he sighs and the corner of his mouth quirks into a grin.

“You really are a terrible brat.”

“Yup I’m terrible and incorrigible.”

I turn my attention back to the TV where footage of the disaster zone that the public park still is playing. This year's food war had really done some serious damage.

“Oh hey, looks like they’re finally recapping Doom Day. This should be fun.”

Reborn tenses against me and his melody turns a little more rage-y. As it now does whenever anyone mentions Doom Day. Well, part two of Doom Day anyway.

He kept the brain slug after all.

So it couldn’t have been completely awful and traumatizing.

We need to look on the bright side or we're all just going to end up in tears.

“-city officials have dubbed this year's Doom Day festival a resounding success with only minimal casualties,” Hinata Shoichi gives the audience a lovely smile through the television, “Good job everyone. Though anything would be an improvement over last years hundred and fifty-four deaths and mysterious disappearances-“

Reborn gives the newscaster a look of absolute incredulity. I think he is finally starting to understand what a ‘unique’ town Namimori is. More so now that he is being faced with the post-Doom Day spiritual hangover in addition to all the other bullshit that we have to deal with now that our ‘enemy’ has shown his face.

“-clean up efforts are continuing in the park after the food war. The Taro family has been declaimed winners this year which everyone knows means that they get first dibs at all the prime picnic spots until next year and Taro Haruka will need to undergo the rite of initiation at city hall late next week to induct him as the next holder of the ‘special council member’ seat on the city council-“

“... Do I want to know?” Reborn asks me his voice filled with amusement.

I peek over at him through half lidded eyes.

“He is now the battle master of Namimori,” I inform him simply. If he’s going to be sticking around Namimori he should learn about our strange ways.

“Battle master?”

“Less like Dungeons and Dragons and more old school samurai code stuff. So if the city is ever besieged by brigands from the Edo period Taro-san is in charge.”

“-Special commendations are being given to Himawari Kikiyo for her creation of an ice cream ballista. Taro-san plans to name her ‘Master of Arms.’ So everyone, please remember to give her the proper show of respect next time you stop by Dream Cream for a bite of their fantastic ice cream.” The reporter smiles fondly, “A brief aside my favorite flavor of ice cream is the blood mango that was created by our own councilman Hibari. He sure does have good taste in ice cream-“

“And if brigands from the Edo period ever do attack Himawari-chan will have the weapons.”

“Have these positions ever had any actual power since the Edo period,” Reborn asks terribly amused if the soft violin playing in my ear is anything to go by.

I give him a cockeyed grin and say, “only once, but that was back in 1969 and no one really remembers it.”

Reborn obviously wasn’t expecting any sort of affirmative answer to that question because he just sort of blinks at me.

“Are you messing with me Monello?”

I laugh, “Only a little bit. It was a ‘historical reenactment gone weird’ situation.”

“Historical reenactment,” He repeats. I think by now he knows that when I start on with my odd little callbacks there is always a longer and stranger story attached to it. In this case, if Grandpa is to be believed, a tear in space-time opened and the souls of the actors were exchanged with the souls of actual marauders and bandits from the year 1669 and all hell broke loose. Fun fact, that was also the year that the ban on them consumes on Doom Day was enacted.

“Namimori is known for our devoted community theatre,” Iinform him in lieu of the more complicated and less easily explained answer.

“-A big kudos to our beloved Namimori Community Theatre,” Hinata Shoichi voice cuts in again to support my outlandish claim. “They really knocked it out of the park this year with their reenactment of the first Doom Day invasion. The special effects and costumes were out of this world! And that light show was something else too. I don’t know how they managed to light everyone up in distinctive chromatic shades but I will say bravo. I particularly enjoyed being a lovely C83F49. It went really well with my hair-“

Hinata Shoichi continues to gush about glowing such a beautiful shade of red. And all the while Reborn just stares at the television in mute disbelief. As I knew he would because this is the other important part of Doom Day-

“Yeah, that always happens,” I tell him wryly, “No matter how stupid or dangerous or crazy things get on Doom Day people will find away to logic it away.”

“How could they possibly-“ Reborn doesn’t even have the ability to put his incredulity into words.

“People are more willing to believe that the community theatre team put on a crazy good production rather than a megalomaniacal sociopath somewhere in Italy sent endlessly propagating mad science experiments to a small town in Japan to kidnap a kid who talks to aliens in a Dyson sphere somewhere in the Andromeda galaxy.”

Obviously it doesn’t affect everyone. Hence me and Reborn having this conversation and the fact that Takeshi knows for sure that some out of this world shit happened to us up on mount Namimori a couple of years ago.

‘Humans on mass are stupid,’ Grandpa had told me once, ‘People can be intelligent, but humans are stupid.”

... Now that I think about it Gramps had been pretty misanthropic.

That’s probably why he had been such a brutal Dungeon Master with his adventuring party.

“... True enough,” Reborn says and a sad look comes across his face. Turbulent notes coming back into his melody which just won't do at all.

I don’t really know what happened on Doom Day after I was taken out but I will say that I can hear Reborn’s music much clearer than I did before.

And it’s different than it was.

It’s more like.... mine. And less like the broken falling melody that he was playing before.

And neither of them is anything like Tsuna’s Bossa Nova brass beats.

I’ll figure out what that means later. For now, I send some happy beats his way perking up his end of this new duet that we’re rocking.

He relaxes against my shoulder minutely. And we continue to watch the end of the newscast.

It’s a Tuesday, which means very little other than the fact that I have a check-up later today at the hospital.And I have taken over the living room since I’m on fancy bed rest orders and stairs were all sorts of bullshit last week.

But since we’re down here I don’t have to worry about waking up Mom or Tsuna or the kiddos with my incessant chatter. Most often to myself.

“You boys are up early,” Mom says poking her head into the living room with a smile and a yawn.

“Mornin’ Mama,” I greet with a flash of a smile.

“Buongiorno Maman.”

She walks into the living room and kneels down next to me with a glass of water and my morning dose of medications. I’m actually reaching the end of what the hospital prescribed me now. It’s pain killers and an anti-inflammatory to help keep down the swelling.

I hope that I get to a point very soon when I don’t need these.

Not that I really need these with Reborn around, but I am starting to feel like a thief with the amount of healing magic that I have been stealing from him. Not that I (or anyone else) could ever steal something from Reborn. He just sorts of sets his mind to do something and reality bends around him.

“Tsuyoshi-san said that he would give us a lift to the hospital later,” Mom tells me, “Apparently Takeshi-kun’s appointment was postponed yesterday so he will be meeting Yukimura-sensei there rather than at her clinic.”

“Oh... convenient.” I say, “and also super nice of Yamamoto-san to come out of his way to get us.”

“I made appointments for Lambo-chan and Futa-chan to get check-ups at the same time. It’s a little too far for them to walk and when I mentioned taking a cab Tsuyoshi wouldn’t hear of it,” Mom smiles, “He’s a sweet man.”

“Yeah, Takeshi’s dad is cool.”

And also a literal samurai assassin. I mean a retired samurai assassin, but he still kept all his swords and knives.

“I think I’m going to make some cinnamon buns this morning,” Mom says abruptly changing the subject as I gulp down the pills.

“Maman enjoys spoiling us all,” Reborn teases lightly.

I don’t know what response he thought he would get. But it probably wasn’t Mom’s eyes flashing a divine white light as she stands and looks down upon us lowly mortals with a maternal smile.

“Of course Reborn-chan,” she says, “I take good care of ALL of my people.”

She pets my hair affectionately as she stands up and brushes out her dress. She heads to the kitchen and the two of us just sort of stare after her straight-backed and startled.

It isn’t until the sounds of Scott Joplin playing through the stereo start filling the kitchen that we both relax somewhat and Reborn lets out a low chuckle under his breath.

“You have a good mother.”

“Damn straight,” I laugh cheerfully.

Mom had been... less than thrilled about my whole post-Doom Day situation. Actually she had been livid.

I had been unconscious at the time, but Tsuna had assured me with a look of absolute petrification that she had threatened the surgeon with the sharp end of her conductor baton that if he did not fix me she would be ‘fixing’ him.

Permanently.

There was a reason that me and Takeshi had made that pact not to tell our folks about the ‘Terror on Mount Namimori.’

Because his dad is proficient will all sharp and pointy implements and my mom is an actual literal being of divine wrath.

Fucked up as I was at the end there I am pretty sure I know what I heard and I saw.

I just have no idea how to bring it up with her in casual conversation.

So I’m just going to leave it for now.

I am all nice and cozy and content here reclining against this ziggurat of pillows that Tsuna and the kids constructed for my comfort. And extra pacified thanks to the fact that Reborn has taken my off handed joke about him becoming a human hot water bottle extremely seriously. He’s still pressed up next to me as we watch this ridiculous newscast and is giving off constant radiating sunshine magic. I mean it’s not an all the time thing. Just in those particularly painful moments between doses medication when it feels like I’m about to fall apart.

And I am just thrilled about that.

Because being a happy cat with a heat lamp beats the fuck out of being the idiot with a separated shoulder and a fractured collarbone sobbing on the bathroom floor because he forgot that he wasn’t supposed to move his dumb arm.

I am still debating having Takeshi chop the whole thing off.

Say fuck it and have Verde build me a robot arm.

My other Arcobaleno acquaintance had actually called the other day (the first day I had woken up actually and that had been a fun time). And when I answered he had spent five straight minutes ranting at me about destroying that stupid ray gun. Because while I hadn’t gotten trampled by the rampaging monstrosity, my bad most certainly had.

“It didn’t even charge right dude get over it.”

“It charged fine the issue is your inconsistent frequency and output!”

He had hung up on me after that and I had just been left staring at my phone in abject confusion at which point the rest of my family apparently realized that I was awake and talking and I was subsequently assaulted by a shit ton of love and concern.

Which is super awesome, but also startling.

It’s been a weird week.

And that’s not counting the number of times I have been cried on. But I am going to be ignoring that because I refuse to give this depressing shit any power over me right now.

I don’t want to let what Mukuro did affect my relationships like that.

...

So it’s fine.

I mean, I know there is going to be a super serious and uncomfortable conversation at some point in the near future about how everyone collectively lost their shit and tried to kill me when they thought I wasn’t me.

Tsuna is still apologizing for that.

Which is getting old now. 

I mean I appreciate the apology and all but when you really get down to it there were layers of mind-fuckery going on there. And it wasn’t his fault.

And he also had a really long and nonsensical ramble about ghosts and Obi-Wan Kenobi and how I was the voice inside his head... Which all sounds rad. It’s good to know that I have made such a lasting impression on my brother's psyche that he will be forced to listen to my monologues even when we are apart and I am unconscious.

That’s pretty rad.

“-In other news, repairs on Namimori Middle School have been progressing as scheduled and the building will be ready for the start of the new term which will be starting up in less than two weeks. I hope you kids out there have kept up with your studies-“

Holy shit I forgot that school was a thing.

We have been so wrapped up with all this magic mafia murder stuff that I had completely forgotten that we would be going back to school.

“You know, I never thought I would say this but I think I actually miss school. But it might be nice to have something somewhat normal to do everyday to balance out the mafia madness that we have been experiencing lately. I mean, I guess I could always get a job or something. But I don’t know if anyone would hire me without a degree of some kind,” I’m rambling again.

I think it is a side effect of the pain killers and the sunshine. I think it is also a large part relief that I can talk at all right now. Like my throat is still a little sore still, but nothing was broken in there.

Which is cool because I was pretty sure that something had cracked when I was being strangled this time.

I was actually pretty freaked out that I wasn’t ever going to be able to talk again.

So, yeah I have been indulging in my rambles.

Everyone has been super cool about me indulging in my rambles too. Which is super sweet of them.

“Do you have any specific career paths in mind?” Reborn asks.

“You mean other than Tsuna’s super awesome right-hand man/guardian and a badass wizard-bard, and eventual trophy husband?” I ask cheekily. “Because if you think I was kidding about that-“

Reborn hops down from the pillow ziggurat and gives me a somewhat judgmental eyebrow raise. I don’t know why, It’s not like world’s greatest hitman is on a career aptitude test either.

“GOOD MORNING FRATELLO!!!!!” Lambo screeches as he comes barreling down the stairs interrupting this semi-awkward moment with childish glee.

“Lambo! Be careful!” Tsuna calls after him as he follows closely behind him with outreaches arms ready to catch the overtly excited five year old if he was to tip down the stairs.

As he himself has a tendency of doing.

Or did.

If one good thing came out of the bullshit that went down it was Tsuna regaining his sense of balance. Tsuna has now earned the achievement ‘can walk down the stairs like a normal fucking person HUZZAH.’

He is still a Goofus that is prone to spazzing out at the drop of a hat, but he is so much better than he was.

Lambo collides with me at high speed and flops across my outstretched legs. Tsuna yelps, “be careful!” with frantic worry, as Reborn hisses, “dumb cow!” and is back at my side in an instant.

They are both such worrywarts.

Lambo weighs next to nothing, and even if he did I am tempted to let my Palawan do whatever the hell he wants. After all I don’t think I would be alive right now if he hadn’t pulled that switcheroo with his future self at the exact right moment.

I would have been flattened by a rampaging monstrosity.

Tsuna comes over and scoops Lambo up off of me. Upside down, because he has no idea how to deal with squirming children.

“Lambo, you have to be gentle with Inari he’s still hurt,” Tsuna scolds with some protective Bossa Nova brass being sent my way.

A pulse of warmth runs through me as Reborn lays a hand on MY PERFECTLY FINE AND UNINJURED LEG and sends another note of healing into me accompanied by a Vivaldiesque melody.

Worry warts.

But also, can I just say, it is super weird to be caught between Tsuna and Reborn when they are like this. Since I’ve woken up there has been an overwhelming sense of dissonance whenever the two of them project at me at the same time. It’s like being caught between two radio stations and wanting to play along with both at the same time.

It is crazy.

I have a feeling this is another one of those: shit that went down whilst Inari was unconscious things. This just means that it is one more thing to add to my list of ‘serious conversations that will take place when I am feeling saner.’

That and evaluating all the new shit in my head.

“It’s fine, I’m fine,” I assure them both, more irritated than anything. I’m hardly going to shatter to pieces from a little roughhousing.

I pat my legs with my good hand while giving Tsuna a challenging look.

“It’s fine the kiddos can hang with me the ‘Adventure if Sir Moonclaw’ is about to come on,” I lean myself over in overdramatic fashion to call out to a sleepy fidgeting Futa who is standing awkwardly on the stairs clutching his book tightly to his chest.

“Have you ever seen the ‘Adventures of Sir Moonclaw’ kiddo?” I ask and flail a little bit to keep the fedora pushed up over my eyes. I smile my best goofy smile and wave him over. “It’s awesome, but it’s no fun to watch on my own.”

“No,” Futa answers softly and curiously as he makes his way down the rest of the steps.

It takes him a moment, but Futa does make his way over and sits daintily on the edge of the futon. Lambo takes his chance and wiggles out of Tsuna’s grasp landing on the floor with a somewhat concerning THUNK. He shrugs it off and clambers onto my lap where he starts chanting excitedly for his favorite show to start.

Tsuna sighs, “just be careful please,” he beseeches me with older-brotherly concern.

“I’m always careful Bro-Bro,” I lie through my teeth and am instantly treated with pointed looks from ALL of them.

“I’m mostly careful?” I try again.

Reborn raises an eyebrow at me.

I fidget.

“Okay, okay,” I relent, “I am NEVER careful. I have terrible impulse control issues. I am so lucky to have you all around to make sure I don’t get myself dead.”

“We are going to be working on that,” Reborn threatens/promises.

“You’re not allowed to die!” Tsuna snaps in somewhat manically looking instantly stressed and I am instantly sorry for speaking the D-word.

I think I mentioned the PTSD.

I give them both a dead eye stare and reach out, grab Tsuna’s ankle, and tug hard making him fall onto his ass with a shriek.

“HIEEEE!”

“I. AM. FINE. TSU.”

Tsuna whimpers and clutches at his tailbone, “owwwwww~”

“We will be working on Tsunayoshi’s situational awareness as well,” Reborn adds giving Tsuna a wry look.

“Great,” Tsuna groans into the hardwood.

“Tsu-kun? Are you alright sweetie?” Mom asks in concern as poking her head back into the living room to witness Tsuna rolling around on the ground. “Do you need to come to the doctor too?”

“No, I’m alright Mom,” he reassures her.

“He has a date with Kyoko today,” I inform her in a stage whisper.

“INARI~ Tsuna shrieks in mortification turning beet red.

“What?” I ask all innocent-like.

Mom just laughs, “Alright then. Do you want to bring Kyoko-chan a cinnamon roll sweetie?”

“Oh, uh, yeah. Thanks mom....” he pauses and fidgets awkwardly, “could you pack an extra for Hayato? He’s going to be coming too.”

“Of course Tsu-kun~”

Before I can even open my mouth to comment Tsuna levels me with a glare, “Not like THAT.”

Of course, how could I have forgotten that Tsuna and Kyoko are weird exhibitionists who enjoy combining their dates with friend/training time so that they can make the rest of us endure their adorableness.

“Yeah, yeah, yeah,” I laugh and do my absolute best to mask the wince when my shoulder jostles uncomfortably, “Make sure that Hayato is well-fed. Have fun on your weird not-date.”

Tsuna gives me a long quiet look.

“I can come along if you want me too,” he says, “I know you don’t like the doctor.”

“No.”

“Nari.”

“It’s fine. I’m fine.”

Tsuna pulls himself up and slides across the floor so that he can rest his head gently against mine, “... Hurry up and get better. I don’t like doing this without you.”

“You’re never without me Bro-Bro,” I remind him sappily, “And I’ll be back to giving you all heart palpitations with my crazy antics soon.”

“You do that anyway.”

“Exactly,” I glance around him at Reborn, “And then we can all have that super important conversation about magic fire and what the fuck ever else we have been putting off.”

He gives me a stare, “Yes, I believe it’s about time we had that talk.”

Tsuna goes stiff for a moment and grumbles, “fine,” and proceeds to haul himself back up to his feet.

“Are you sure your okay to go on your own?”

“YES, I’m sure I’ll be fine all on my own with mom, and the kids, and Takeshi, and Yamamoto-san all hanging around.”

“Takeshi’s going with you guys? Good he should be able to protect-“

I zap him.

“HIEEEEE!”

“Isn’t it about time for you to head out Tsu?” I nudge him.

I might be injured but I am not a completely helpless invalid. The thought is more than a little insulting actually. He should remember who the alpha twin is between us...  


It’s actually probably Tsuna.

But I can dream.

He gives me a very ‘Tsuna’ look as I readjust the hat again and try not to slide off my pillow mountain.

“Yes, I know I’m a terrible brat,” I tell him, “Go delivery sugary goodness to my future sister-in-law and our disaster mafia brother.”

He blushes, whines, and warbles his way into the kitchen where I can barely make out him half collapsing into a mom hug as she hands him an adorable lunchbox.

Actually...

Did Tsuna grow!?

DID THAT ASSHOLE GROW AGAIN?!!

FUCK! BULLSHIT! THAT’S FUCKING BULLSHIT!

I am so absorbed with my outrage at this grave injustice that I don’t notice Reborn until he is perched next to me again and tugs gently on the brim of the fedora. And I am fully expecting that he is going to take it back now. I mean, he’s going with Tsuna and I can hardly expect him to leave the house without his signature accessory.

“Watch him,” Reborn orders.

And I am very confused now. Watch who? Who am I watching?

Of course.

Oh... Not me. Leon, the magical lizard buddy.

Who may or may not be talking into my brain.

I’m still not entirely clear on the whole magical lizard communication thing.

His long tongue darts out into my visual range and briefly sticks to Reborn’s forehead. The hitman responds with a fond stare and taps the hat lightly. This doesn’t really answer my unasked question about magical lizard speak, but I guess it does ask my unasked question about the hat.

Do I get to keep hat?

For today. I would never deprive Reborn of his signature hat, but it would be nice to have something to stave off my inevitable doctor based panic attack that will certainly happen later.

...

But really?

I’m getting all the warm fuzzies this morning.

“Don’t you need Leon to make those special bullets that make Tsuna go beast mode?” I ask tentatively.

“Not today,” Reborn replies with a vague sneaky grin, “We are going to be trying out a new method since Dame-Tsuna seems to be having a somewhat ‘easier’ time accessing his flames.”

“That sounds... interesting. Don’t tire him out too much.”

It also sounds like something that will have Tsuna complaining and flailing. I’m sorry that I’m going to miss it. Reborn’s ‘ideas’ are always so much fun.

Just one more reason to get better fast I guess.

An even more devious smirk stretches across Reborn’s cherubic face, “Dame-Tsuna is finally starting to understand the importance of making an effort Monello. It would be a shame to let him slip back into bad habits.”

“Have fun with that man.”

“I always do.”

* * *

* * *

Yamamoto-san picks us up about an hour after Tsuna and Reborn head out. And it is an hour of the most intense separation anxiety that I have ever experienced. Wasn’t I just rushing Tsuna out the door and telling him that we can have separate lives and shit?

I feel kind of hypocritical now.

But this is the first time that I’ve been without both of them at the same time since I woke up. It feels terrible. Like something in my chest is being stretched.

I’m a fucking needy bitch apparently. 

I find myself obsessively playing with the fedora as Lambo catches Futa up on the greatness that is the ‘Adventures of Sir Moonclaw.’ I actually have to make a concentrated effort to keep myself from hyperventilating.

This is fucking awful.

Just breath moron.

Yeah, sure, easy for you to say.

“You alright Inari-kun?” Asks Yamamoto-san as he comes into view.

I just kind of look at him and give a pitchy, ‘yeah,’ which probably shows how not fine I actually am.

He and Mom exchange a look as he crouches down next to me to help me up.

“You kids need to slow down a little,” He chides fondly.

“Because we were all so careful when we were their age,” Mom giggles and gives him a challenging look.

Yamamoto-san gives her a surprised somewhat guilty look as I wobble between the two of them, “You’ve got me there,” he laughs, “But what is that thing that parents are supposed to say? ‘Do as I say and not as I do?’”

“And all teenagers will, of course, go along with that without question,” Mom says with a raised eyebrow.

“Right,” He sighs.

I’m doing my best to follow their conversation but my head is still a little too fuzzy to follow along with this thread. If I remember I’ll ask later... maybe. I’m pretty sure parents are allowed to have their own lives too.

I am peripherally aware that Futa and Lambo are clinging to my pant legs as we walk out the door. I would normally be able to navigate fine with, but in my current weakened state, I have relied heavily on Yamamoto-san to make sure that I don’t face plant on the pavement.

It isn’t until Mom and Yamamoto-san are helping me into his van that I really manage to snap back to myself. But that can probably be attributed to the cool calming wash of blue and the chiming of bells.

“You look terrible,” Takeshi says blunt amusement.

I am very, very glad that Takeshi has mostly gotten over the doom and gloom guilt complex that he was rocking. That was irritating as fuck. When I first woke up after the surgery he keeping his distance and giving me this terrible devastating look.

Eventually, I just threw my Gameboy at him and demanded that he catch me all the legendary Pokémon in the game and all would be forgiven.

Which is why I am now the proud owner of three legendary Pokémon.

Takeshi is very determined. 

“Hey bro,” I greet Takeshi as I flop against him in an indecorous sprawl, “lovely to see you too?”

I continue to rebut sarcastically to him basically calling me out for my awful face.

I’m starting to understand why Reborn likes this hat so much it is really great for masking emotional output. I keep it pulled down over my eyes so that my bestie can’t see how fucked up I am right now.

Not that it matters. I’m sure he can tell just by how wrecked and shrill my voice is.

“Hey,” he answers and helps me to maneuver into a more normal sitting position. “You alright?”

“Peachy,” I say, “Did you know that school is starting up again in like a week? Because I did not. Dude, I feel robbed. Robbed I tell you.”

I reflexively start in on the deflecting ramble.

“Not that I didn’t appreciate getting to run around on a mountain chasing after Doll Face and his cohort or combating the forces of chaos and evil with you all. Because that was rad. But I’m pretty sure we missed out on like all the summer baseball practice, and the games and shit. And now I won’t even get to play for the rest of the year because my arm is super fucked.”

I’m not as invested in baseball as Takeshi is, but it is fun to hang out with him and the team. I’ll miss it, but I guess in the long run it will give me more time to devote to mafia conspiracies.

“We’ll just have to watch from the stands together then,” Takeshi consoles me with such cheer and good humor that I almost don’t process what he is saying.

“We,’ I repeat vaguely, “We meaning us, meaning you and me, meaning you’re not playing either. Why aren’t you playing?!” Panic grips my very soul. Because I always knew that it would be a cold day in hell when Takeshi quit baseball. So either the four horsemen are about the roll past this van, or something is very, very wrong here.

“Are you HURT?! Are you DYING?! You ASS! You can’t pull shit like this on me!! Tell me!”

I’m shaking him back and forth with all the strength that I have. And the jerk only laughs at me being infuriatingly unhelpful. I’m just feeling more irritated and manic as he goes on. I start jabbing him in the side with my fingers which just makes him laugh harder.

Upfront, Yamamoto-san starts laughing uproariously along with his son.

“Relax Inari-kun, we don’t want you hurting yourself again,” he soothes.

“Ojisan! Did you know Takeshi quit the baseball team!?” I demand.

“I did,” he confirms, and before I can start freaking out again he continues, “Takeshi decided that he wants to know more about the ‘family business’ so I’m going to be giving him some extra lessons.”

There is a dangerous glint in Yamamoto-san’s eye. He doesn’t mean the sushi business, does he?

He means the stabby business.

I give Takeshi a sidelong look.

“You sure?” I ask.

“MmHm,” He hums with a bright smile, “Tsuna was right, baseball isn’t everything, and I think that if we’re going to do this we should do it right. Right?”

A grin pulls across my own face after a moment, “Damn straight.”

If we're going to be crazy mafia brats and fight against impossible foes with crazy necromantic sorcery and shit we might as well go all in. Preparation is key after all.

I hold up my good fist for a bump.

Takeshi bumps it back with purpose.

We flop back in our seats and watch the city fly past us. Lambo and Futa are excitedly pointing at things as we pass. The clean up crews are still going around getting the last of the debris from the festival.

This year was certainly messier than in previous years.

“So, anyway, switching tracks to something less dramatic,” I start again, “Me and Tsuna were talking a little while ago, and now that September is literally right around the corner it seems much more relevant, Hayato’s birthday is coming up.”

A big grin breaks out across Takeshi’s face, like I knew it would, “Is it?”

“Yup, on the ninth I think,” I say, “And like, I don’t think he’s ever actually had a ‘birthday’ before so we were thinking it would be nice too..”

“Surprise party,” Takeshi cuts me off, his eyes glittering with unholy excitement as he bounces in his seat. He has a thing for surprise parties.

“Yeah, only not so much with the anxiety-inducing surprises. More with the nice calm kind of surprise.”

I pause for a moment as we pass by a giant pile of violet crystal shards that are being swept up.

“I think we’ve all had just about enough of the bad surprises for a little while, right?”

Takeshi’s smile softens a little, “Probably a good idea.”

We spend the rest of the drive brainstorming surprise party ideas that we gain spring on Hayato.

Without giving the poor guy a heart attack.

* * *

* * *

Namimori General Hospital is one of the fanciest complexes in town. It has state of the art facilities and boasts specialists in various fields. It is also huge. Like five city blocks huge.

Yukimura-sensei’s office is in the psychiatric unit in the west wing. Which is on the exact opposite side of the hospital that I am heading to. Me and Takeshi share one more fist bump before we go our separate ways to our appointments. We’re all going to be meeting up again later in the cafeteria and getting some lunch before we head home.

Me, Mom, and the kids head down into the East Wing of the hospital where the pediatric department and sports medicine are. The doctor that that I’m going to be seeing is going to be taking a look at how well my shoulder is healing up and going over my future rehab plans.

The surgeon hadn’t been particularly optimistic about me making a full recovery, but then he hadn’t known that I have a white mage in my party. Seriously, without Reborn I’m pretty sure I would have been completely and totally fucked by what Mukuro did.

Mom makes sure that I make it to the office and that I’m signed before she has to take Futa and Lambo down one floor to visit Kuroko-sensei for their check-ups. Apparently, my doctor was called down to surgery to for an emergency consult so they’ll be a little late.

“Call me if you need me or if you need help sweetie,” she tells me and gives me a kiss on my forehead before she and the kiddos get on to the elevator.

It feels like an energy surge.

Which is fun.

“So, Mom totally summoned the forces of the universe to save the day right?” I rhetorically ask Leon as we sit and wait for the doctor to show up. “Like, I have no idea how she did that but I’m pretty damn sure that she did it.”

~~_I’m sure she will tell you when she’s ready._ ~~

...

“Are you going to tell me if you’re actually talking or if I have completely lost my mind?”

Nothing.

Of course nothing.

It would make my life way too easy if someone or something ever gave me a straight answer.

I sigh and sink down in the waiting room chair and stare at the ceiling.

This doctor is taking a really long time to get here.

Also, I am suddenly regretting saying that I was okay to sit and wait on my own. Because this is getting exceptionally creepy and anxiety-inducing. If I didn’t have Leon with me I think I would actually be freaking out right now.

Also, the receptionist is still around going through files. The shuffling of papers is both comforting and irritating at the same time. I do appreciate that I am not the only person in this big empty waiting room though.

And I wait.

And wait.

And wait.

... Still waiting.

I wish that I brought my Gameboy with me or something. Just to have something to pass the time with.

The lights above us flicker ominously.

“Oh fuck me I didn’t even say that out loud.”

Leon scampers down from the hat had rests defensively on my shoulder and stares intently out the doorway into the hall where the lights are flickering in a very concerning way.

And then he **HISSES**.

I have never heard Leon make a sound before and he HISSES aggressive and furious and a word rings through my brain.

~~_YOU_ ~~

~~_Me_~~ , The answer rolls like thunder, full of teeth and vague amusement.

“Who?” I ask quietly in desperate curiosity.

I’m pretty sure that I have just glitched through the preverbal game code and into a hidden level. What the hell is going on!?

I stare intently at the doorway, following Leon’s line of sight. And there sliding past the doorway is an enormous green tail. Scaled and ridged and disappearing out of sight.

“...We don’t tell Reborn,” I tell Leon as a push myself out of my seat and quickly walk out the door while the receptionist’s back is turned. It’s not like this doctor seems like they’re going to turn up any time soon.

~~_Inari_~~ , Leon warns(?)

I step out of the door and watch as the tail turns down another hallway the lights flickering above with every lumbering step. I have a feeling I know what this is anyway.

“It’s fine,” I say. “I think?”

I speed walk after it ignoring the pointed sensation of disapproval and worry that is being very pointedly directed at me.

**This is dangerous**.

A deep chuckle rolls through the hall as the alligator comes to a stop and grins at us.

~~_What happened to your sense of adventure Leo?_ ~~

Leon hisses again, though this time it is much less aggressive but still unhappy.

~~_What are you doing here?_~~ He grumbles.

An enormous toothy grin spreads across (honestly terrifying) enormous reptilian face. And the low rumbling voice speaks again, Satiating curiosity.

My eyes are daring back and forth from my little chameleon guardian to the huge fucking alligator that is staring us down in a way that is starting to feel more and more threatening by the second. This was probably a really bad idea on my part. Why the hell can’t I ever just leave a thing alone?

The fatal flaw, I know.

“Sooooo, I take it you two know each other?” I ask aloud... possibly to myself.

Because I am still not clear on how this conversation is happening.

~~_Far better and for far longer than you could ever fathom morsel._ ~~

“Kaayyyyyy~”

The door at the end of the hall opens and I am immediately assaulted by the ominous booming notes of a pipe organ. Scattered notes played in precise madness. Dizzying and unsettling.

A flickering light sines through the doorway and with it a shadow is projected against the wall as a dull green light emanates from within the room.

“Stop standing around like a halfwit,” Verde drawls as he appears in the doorway, “I have better things to do today than deal with your irritating brand of nonsense.”

I stare at the door. At the lights flickering beyond it. At the alligator.

**This is a terrible idea**.

I pull out my phone, just to check, and it’s fully charged. No service bars though which is probably a really bad sign.

But of course, I am incapable of walking away from something interesting.

I take slow even steps down the hallway, doing my best to ignore the worried lizard that is continuing to project worry and disapproval at me.

“It’s fine,” I reassure him by repeating my catchphrase of the day.

~~_You really are an impossible thing,_~~ Leon chides.

It’s fine. It’s not like Verde tried to kill me not to long ago. It’s not like I’m horribly injured still and cut off from external communication and staring down an enormous reptile that survived the extinction of the dinosaurs.

“Hurry up,” Verde says, and a tiny bespectacled face peers through the doorway and glares at me. “You’re injured.... inconvenient.”

“I’m sorry that my pain is an inconvenience to you,” I fire back immediately. “Also, what the hell do you think I was in the hospital for if I wasn’t injured?

“No matter.”

I hear a click of a button and suddenly something is firing out at me at high speed and I am being grappled in an unrelenting metallic grasp and being pulled off my feet and into the room.

Leon hisses again, frills bursting from his neck as his face transforms into something a lot more terrifying (with a lot more eyes) as he leers down at Verde. The man himself gives us both a deeply impressed look as he turns his back and hops up onto the metallic counter top where he has a makeshift computer station set up.

“I thought it was about time that we met face to face,” Verde says as he pulls out what looks like a tape recorder from his pristine white coat.

“Shall we begin?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Or not, because Inari is incapable of staying out of trouble.But seriously though Verde has just been waiting for a chance to come and see what makes this brat tick. 
> 
> Currently, all seems to be quite on the Mukuro front (possibly maybe), but well see how long that lasts for ;) 
> 
> Thank you all so much for the comments and kudos. They give me the power to write every week. 
> 
> And as always I love hearing from you so let me know: Questions? Comments? Theories?


	22. Of Mad Science, Magic, and Mobsters

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Are you ready for some crazy?

“Begin what?” I prompt, as Verde has decided that he is now going to ignore me as I’m hanging a foot off the ground.

I’m teetering somewhere between terror at being once again captured, and irritation at being so immediately forgotten by said captor. Verde has turned on his tape recorder and set it down next to him as he begins rapidly typing on his computer.

Normally, a grapple like this would be hitting all the wrong buttons in my head, but just being able to consciously swing and wiggle my legs around is keeping me from slipping into a full-blown blackout panic attack.

“Testing of course,” he answers without looking up.

“Testing what?”

Verde doesn’t answer. Instead, he reaches to a metallic briefcase sitting next to him and flips it open. It’s facing away from me so I can’t quite make out what’s inside, even at the somewhat elevated position I’m being held at.

“While I usually abhor interaction with my subjects I found it to be pertinent in this case. The interference caused by that ridiculous festival disrupted my readings destroyed most of my instruments. So I won’t be able to gather data by my usual means.”

“Enjoyed Doom Day?”

“Oh yes, I love watching the idiot masses lose what little brain power they have and descend into nonsensical madness,” he replies, voice dripping with sarcasm.

“I’m sure you had a great time in whatever underground bunker you squirreled yourself away in,” I snark back. The anxiety is making me feel a great deal more antagonistic than usual. “It must have been nice back when we were experiencing the heat death of the universe.”

“...What?” Verde asks flatly.

He is suddenly staring at me with such a strangely intense expression that I can’t help but fidget nervously under his scrutiny.

“You know,” I start nervously, “The heatwave we had a few weeks back? You were in town for that right?”

There is silence. An extremely judgemental silence.

“Idiot,” He says finally.

“Oi-“

“While your statement might not be factually incorrect you have grossly misinterpreted the heat death of the universe.”

“Oh... What does it mean then?” I ask.

He pinches the bridge of his nose in irritated resignation. His glasses pushed up toward his forehead.

“It is the death of heat, not death from heat,” He explains slowly, “There is of course more to it than that, but I’m sure if I tried to explain the second law of thermodynamics to you, your simple mind would implode.”

My levels of irritation spike so dramatically that I momentarily blackout as burning embers of orange start to spark in the corners of my eyes. It doesn’t usually bother me to have people call me an idiot. I am an idiot. But something about the way that Verde said it makes me want to make him eat his words.

Too bad I’m an idiot.

“Oh well,” I grin at him, “Some say the world ends in fire, others say in ice~”

He stares back at me with stunned incredulity, “Moron, are you trying to dispute science with poetry?”

I open my mouth to continue being smartass, but I’m suddenly struck by the strangest sense of déjà vu.

I frown as I stare at him.

“Has your stupidity rendered you mute? Excellent, we can get on with the experiment now. One can only glean so much useful information from observational analysis after all.”

“Observational... Dude, how long have you been watching us?” I ask incredulously as my brain comes back online after it’s a momentary glitch. I’m pretty sure I already know the answer to this, but it would be nice to have my paranoia validated.

“Since you interrupted my experiment in the warehouse. Though I have been keeping tabs on Reborn for years. He tends to become ridiculously antagonistic when in my presence,” Verde drawls in irritation as he pulls out several smaller metallic boxes from inside the briefcase.

“I can’t imagine why,” I sass back sarcastically as I continue to dangle in the grip of the robotic arm.

“I attempted to have him killed on several occasions. Purely out of scientific curiosity you understand. There has never been another instance of a Sun quite as strong as him before and his healing factor was prodigious even before we were cursed.”

He looks up at me, the computer screen illuminating his face dramatically, “I wanted to see how much he could heal from. Though I will admit the chlorine gas might have taken things a tad too far.”

Verde smiles a manic and mad smile.

Around my neck, Leon has transformed further his body growing and his face elongating to accommodate the multiplying intense yellow eyes and a maw of needle like teeth that he bears at Verde and hisses.

“He should be grateful, really, now he knows that his lungs will regrow after being dissolved.”

There is so much that I could comment on right now. The fact that he flat out said ‘cursed.’ The fact that he has been ‘observing’ us for months now.

But I can’t. I can’t because I’m suddenly struck by a scene, a vision, a knowing of something that I have not possible way of knowing, but I do. And I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that is true.

Reborn doubled over, his small body shaking and convulsing as he tries desperately to draw in a breath. Blood pouring out of his mouth in an endless stream.

Sun Flames burning and dying in rapid exchange as his body tries to compensate for a horrific amount of damage...

He’s fine, Leon reassures me frantically, long tendril-like fingers kneading may good shoulder comfortingly, Your Sunlight is fine.

And I hear him.

I do.

But the rage is almost overwhelming.

I Ľ̷͎̯͕͉̬̱̱̤̃͆̏͑̓͗̌̀͗͛͑̒͘Ǫ̶̹̲̟̘̜͈̥̟̭̦́̈́̈͘͜͠ͅO̷̡̮͔͈̥͑̋̆͑̏̌̂̌͒́͑̔̕͠K̷̝̹̇͊͘͠ at Verde

He said he hurt Reborn. Hurt him in such a terrible way that plays upon my growing fears of suffocation. Which amplifies my fear and anger.

He hurt **MY** person.

The fedora tilts down over my eyes.

“ **Yo̵̰͋̃u will nĕ̷̺ver ̸͇̌do th̸͉̊̄at a̵̬̜͛g̶̲̏ai̷̺͋͋n** ,” I command.

The thought of Reborn having to go through something like that-

No.

N̸͖̠̮̻͔̥̩̥̞̙̣̮͚͕̾͐́̋̃̐̈̇̚Ę̶̭̝͎͔̤͇̈́̀̅̓̔̊̂̈́̐̚͝V̵̟̗̰͉͐̓̀͝E̴̛͉̱̥̱͚͇͉̦̳̰̫̽͐̈́͂̈́́̅̈R̸̤̞̫̰̝̻̹̣̪̤͙͍̅̊̌̈́ͅ

Verde freezes in place. His fingers and breath both stutter to a halt. His expression goes entirely flat as he stares at the computer screen.

And then he starts to laugh. If that pitchy shrieking can be called a laugh.

“That,” he manages to say after a moment of intense cackling that immediately has me feeling wary and Leon coiling more protectively around me.

“That is EXACTLY what I wanted to see.”

His excitement is so off-putting and out of place that my rage starts to simmer down into something more manageable.

~~I can’t say the same for myself~~ , Keiman intones, ~~it’s been a long time since I’ve seen that face, Leo. You should be careful or you’ll wear yourself out.~~

~~Speak for yourself, dear,~~ Leon shoots back with dark intent as his twelve eyes light up.

And the massive alligator snaps his jaws at us.

Normally I would be freaked out by an alligator snapping at my feet. However, at this moment I seem to have acquired an eldritch creature for a protector. One that is starting to cast an extremely alarming shadow across the room.

A shadow that Verde seems to be completely oblivious to.

I have never felt safer in my life. I am pretty sure that if either Verde or Keiman try any funny business Leon will straight up eat them bones and all.

“See what?” I ask, defensively, but unable to mask my curiosity.

Verde holds up the thing that I initially thought was a tape recorder and shows me the LED screen that has a sine wave graphed upon it. The wave is coming down from what looks like an enormous spike to reform into a much flatter looking wave function.

“Inconsistent output and flame production,” Verde says his earlier moment of hysteria burning away. “I’ve been monitoring your flame production for weeks through the instrument you so helpfully dubbed ‘the ray gun’ and I concluded that your flame production is next to nothing. Even flame inactive children produce more than you at baseline. However, your levels will occasionally spike to such astronomical levels that even my instruments cannot properly map them.”

S̶T̶O̷P̵S̶T̶O̵P̸S̷T̷O̶P̵S̷T̴O̸P̵

̴D̶O̴N̵’̶T̶ ̸T̴H̸I̷N̸K̶ ̵A̶B̶O̵U̶T̷ ̴I̷T̷

̷I̴T̵ ̸D̴I̸D̴N̷’̸T̴ ̷H̴A̷P̴P̶E̸N̷

“That seems... strange,” I say nervously, as I try to force down the crawling terror and sick feeling of vertigo.

I̸ ̸w̴a̷s̶ ̴a̴w̵a̴k̴e̴ ̷y̵o̸u̵ ̴k̸n̷o̵w̸?̸

“‘Strange’ doesn’t even begin to cover this. You shouldn’t even be able to function with such a low level of flame output. And when examined next to your, frankly, the enormous capacity it makes little to no sense.”

The frustration is plain on his face as he hits a few buttons and a chord pops out of the bottom of the little machine which he connects to the computer terminal.

“Maybe your instruments are fucked up?” I say, desperate for this to end, but not understanding why. All I know is that it is vitally important that he stop talking about this NOW.

“That was my first assumption, but no, I recalibrated my instruments several times. Your production levels are just an irritating anomaly. And, unfortunately, I don’t foresee being able to solve that particular mystery today. Nor is that why we’re here.”

Verde presses a button and the robot arm finally drops me and I land on the linoleum. It’s only thanks to Leon sprouting a few extra tendrils that I don’t fall on my ass or back and injure myself again.

It would suck if I had to have surgery again.

I can’t go through that again.

I can’t, I can’t, I can’t.

“I don’t know why your here dude, but I’m here to have my shoulder-collarbone-neck situation looked at. What with me being all injured and shit.”

Verde has zoned out and is typing again. Small fingers flying across what I assume his custom-built keyboard.

This fucker...

“You know if you’re going to kidnap someone the least you could do is have the decency to stay on track. I have better things to do today than watch you beat your word count goal.”

He continues to resolutely ignore me. I hear Keiman let out a deep booming chuckle at my expense.

~~He gets like this~~ , the alligator informs me, ~~It’s best to wait it out.~~

Leon is in the process of shrinking back down to chameleon size and flicks his tongue at Keiman.

~~Why are you two even here~~? Leon asks unhappily, ~~Don’t you have better things to do than harass my human?~~

~~Your human isn’t even here. And even if he was it’s not like you can claim dominion of this place.~~

They are just chatting now, as if they hadn’t been dangerously close to tearing out throats not too long ago.

Or something like that. Once again, it’s not like words. They aren’t ‘speaking’ in the traditional way. It’s like nothing I have ever experienced before and it is weird as fuck.

Are they talking?

And if they are, do they know that I can **HEAR** them?

I don’t want to conduct any of my own ‘experiments’ while Verde is here. I have a feeling the only thing that will lead to is having a mad scientist literally poking around in my brain to figure out how it works.

No.

Just no.

So much no.

So much of this entire encounter is just giving me this overpowering desire to scream NOPE and run the fuck out of here. Verde pipe organ musical accompaniment isn’t making things any better either. It is the most not-music, music that I have heard yet.

There’s no melody.

Just sounds loud and forceful precise strikes that don’t so much resist my rhythm as they do ignore it completely.

There is something... off about him.

“Hold up your hands,” Verde says abruptly, snapping me out of my increasingly troubled musings.

“Whyyyyyyy?” I ask cautiously, as I proceed to hold my one working hand up anyway.

Because I am an idiot with the self-preservation instincts of a stoned lemming.

Verde grabs another one of his sci-fi techno gadgets from his briefcase and holds it out toward me. When he sees that I only have one hand raised he frowns at me.

“I’m starting to get that you don’t do the whole human empathy thing very well, dude, but you should at least be able to use your ‘amazing observational powers’ and vast intellect to keep track of the fucking sling, dumbfuck.”

He glares at my arm as if my broken appendage has committed some sort of grave offense against him.

“Irritating.”

I glower at him, “If I could fix it, believe me, I would.”

I’m about to lower my good hand when Verde clicks down a button on the side of the instrument that he is holding and a grid of green laser lights shoot out from a small circular indentation and overlays my hand.

Yeah, this isn’t concerning at all.

“If you cut off my hand I swear to God I will make sure that Reborn shoots you in the most painful ways,” I warn him.

He snorts humourlessly as he begins to press buttons and turn small dials on the box.

“Rest assured he has already done that.”

“ **GOOD**.”

“Make a fist,” he instructs.

I do so with a roll of my eyes.

“Any chance at all that I could have some insight into what we’re doing here? I’m missing a very important doctor's appointment right now.”

“They were going to suggest that you have follow-up surgery to insert pins into the joint,” Verde informs me bluntly as he continues scanning. “Considering your elemental affinity this would do more harm than good. Further surgery also intervention at this point in your recovery would undo the, honestly remarkable, effect the Sun Flame infusions have had on your healing process and would reduce your chances of making a full recovery by a full seventy-nine percent.”

“What!” I ask, “What do you mean?!”

I’ve already done that and had the depressive episode, thank you very much.

Of course, Verde doesn’t answer me. He turns a few more dials not he machine and moves slightly to map the new angle. Another button is hit and the laser grid vanishes. After that, he plugs this machine into the side of his weird briefcase thing and a low hum starts emanating from it.

“That will take a moment to finish fabricating,” He says as he shuts the lid of the briefcase (?). “I might as well address this in the meantime, if you don’t have a full range of motion I will have to augment my data models and that would be more trouble than it’s worth.”

“What!?” I ask again more desperately this time.

I’m still trying to get past the ‘follow up surgery bit.’

In an instant, I have been re-grappled by the robotic arm and pulled into extremely proximity with the mad man. Reborn’s fedora slips somewhat crookedly on my head but manages to stay on. Verde then grabs for the last instrument on the table, something that looks like an honest to god Tricorder from the original Star Trek series.

“Compounding tears and fractures. Not terrible. I see that the influence of Sun Flames are allowing the muscles and bones to knit together more quickly than they normally would or could for that matter. I had no idea that Reborn had such restraint,” his eyes glint dangerously, “I was under the impression that his ‘healing’ was a lethal technique all on its own.”

“Are you trying to start shit with me?”

~~That’s just what he does~~ , Leon informs me, ~~Try to ignore him.~~

“Easy for you to say,” I grumble back. “I’m feeling very harassed right now.”

“What?” Verde is giving me a very curious look.

“Nothing, I’m talking to myself.”

There he stares at me for a moment longer and then he abruptly starts prodding me in my fucked up shoulder and I yelp and whimper like a kicked dog.

“FUCK! What the hell are you doing!?

“Stop squirming like a child, I do know what I’m doing. I am a doctor after all,” Verde reprimands me, and continues to prod and poke at my collarbone/shoulder region.

“Medicine and robots are two entirely different things,” I snap at him.

Continuing the trend he proceeds to ignore me. He takes it a step further and moves the collar of my shirt out of the way so that he can get a better look at the faded bruises and the fun new stitches and incision scar that I got from the surgery last week.

Cool, this is super cool.

I would like to roll for a fucking retaliatory strike please and thank you. I know I keep rolling a critical miss on my initiative lately, but I feel like I should be allowed to hit someone at some point for all the shit I have gone through.

“I’m sure one of my doctorates is in medical science or was it biochemistry? I forget. Regardless, I do possess an in-depth understanding of anatomy and unlike the dullards that work in this institution I hold expertise in the applications and effects of Dying Will Flames and their augmentation of the healing process.”

“...How many doctorates do you have, dude?”

Once again there are probably more important questions I could be asking, but I find myself extremely curious about this very mundane topic. It seems important to ask for some reason though.

“Fifteen.”

BEHOLD THE MOST EXCESSIVE PERSON IN EXISTENCE!!!

“What possible reason would you need fifteen doctorates!?” I ask in bewilderment.

“Something vaguely interesting to repetitively do whilst waiting out the monotony of my cursed existence,” Verde replies as he holds up the Tricorder thing against my shoulder.

“Ordinary individuals are unable to retain information regarding our true nature. Which tends to get frustrating when applying for patents or submitting research papers. Or making anything resembling forward progress at all really,” He pauses to press a few buttons on the side of the machine.

“It is also infuriating when my scientific contributions are suddenly and inexplicable lost or miscredited.”

Holy shit.

Holy shit! Am I getting Arcobaleno lore?!!!!

Reborn is so tight-lipped about the curse that I hadn’t anticipated any of the other Arcobaleno that I might encounter to be any different. Apparently, Verde has no problems chatting about it. Seriously, I think he has a worse case of motor-mouth than I do.

“And whats more frustrating is when, in the middle of a conversation, everything is abruptly forgotten and I am left staring into the maw of a slack-jawed yokel who proceeds to ask me if I need help locating my mother.”

“What? How?! Why?!” That sounds like something out of a nightmare. That all sounds like something out of a nightmare.

“From what I have been able to determine it has something to do with flame frequency and will, which is an exceedingly inconsistent metric of measurement and thus I have been unable to extrapolate beyond that. There are of course individuals that can see past the veil, but even then it takes some fairly ridiculous mental gymnastics and even then it is hardly foolproof.”

He lets out a humorless chuckle as he pulls the Tricorder away and looks at it.

“I am not quite as desperate for human interaction as the rest of my spectrum. I don’t feel the need to go hunting out companionship and go through the trouble of developing the minds of weak-willed idiots. Though I can understand the allure of reclaiming a piece of our former identities.”

He snaps the instrument shut and hops back over to the countertop just as the briefcase stops its humming and lets out a low tone, “Vongola Nono developed an amazing resilience against the effects of the curse about nine years ago, which is probably why so many of them allied with the Vongola Family.”

“...You really like to listen to yourself talk don’t you,” I prod him, because that was a lot of words just then. A lot of interesting words that I will have fun picking apart later in the safety of my own home, but a lot of words none the less. “And this is a known rambler telling you this.”

“Yes, and despite ninety percent of what comes out of your mouth being nonsensical drivel, I have been able to ascertain that you seem to be able to perceive past the curse at your improbably low baseline output which has now rendered years of careful research completely irrelevant.”

“I’m a mystery wrapped in an enigma,” I tell him snidely.

Leon and Keiman have been notably silent for this bit of our ‘conversation’ and both of them are projecting something that feels like... remorse? To be honest I have been subconsciously trying really hard to tune out the sheer SOUND that is everywhere around them. It is just so much that it's almost painful.

I’m going to have to talk to Reborn about the curse stuff after this. It doesn’t feel right leaving it unsaid anymore. Especially now that Verde is yammering on about it to me.

“You will be a useful rat.”

“You say the nicest things. Not creepy or threatening at all.”

Verde rolls his eyes and reaches into the briefcase and pulls out something sparkly.

My eyes immediately zero in on this mystery item and suddenly the only thought going through my mind is, ‘oooooh, shiny~’

It’s so sparkly and I want it.

Verde seems to have noticed my sudden laser focus as he dangles the sparkly thing out in front of himself with a smirk. Two sparkly things.

Are those... gloves.

“I believe I told you before that you would be assisting me with some experiment testing. This is my latest creation, though I can’t take all the credit your concept was rather ingenious.”

The robotic arm gently lowers me back down to my feet and he motions for me to hold out my good hand and I do so without question my eyes still on the shiny, sparkly glove that is now being slipped on.

“Run a charge through the glove,” He instructs as he steps back and put on a pair of safety goggles.

Shouldn’t I have safety goggles too?

Whatever.

I run a charge through to the glove. The crackle of orange sparks and then uniquely conducts across the material.

I have a moment to be nervous before I am just awestruck because suddenly I am in the middle of a sparkling nebula of orange light and prismatic bursts of color as the GLITTER reflects and refracts light in mesmerizing ways.

“Glitter?” I ask looking around in awe at the sparkling galaxy of light and color that has taken over the room.

“It is a highly experimental superconductive compound.”

“... Soooooo, it’s magic glitter then?”

Verde glares at me, “reductive as usual. You will be testing this rigorously and recording the results, up to and including dismemberment or if it burrows under your skin and makes your heart implode.”

I am not even listening to him anymore. I am too busy running my hands through the galaxy sending voltage through it and watching as bursts of lightning erupt in clusters.

And none of them burst into embers and turn to ash.

It is everything I ever hoped for.

Now if only I could-

Verde sighs and holds something long metallic out to me.

I STARE.

Because there is no way that he is not holding out a magic wand to me.

That is most definitely a magic wand.

“Are you specing me out like fucking Tinker-bell?” I say, somewhat irreverently as I reach out and take the wand.

“This is a wand, this is a magic wand, you made me a magic wand and magic glitter. Why have you done this!?”

I swish the wand through the air and my eyes go wide as saucers as the galaxy narrows into a beautiful shimmering stream of light that follows the end of the as I wave it around.

Holy fucking shit!!!!

“Curiosity, it was an interesting and useful concept. I look forward to seeing the results.”

“You are a fucking asshole and I hate you, but also, this is amazing.”

“I do hope you manage to kill yourself,” he shoots back as he turns his attention back to his computer and starts rapidly typing something again.

“If I do I’ll haunt you.”

“Are you still here?” He asks, “we’re done. Reject any further invasive surgery you don’t need it. If Reborn keeps up the infusions you should be fine in two to three weeks.”

“Thanks... I’m gonna leave now,” I look down at Keiman, “later gator, thanks for not eating me.”

As I turn to leave Leon peeks over my shoulder and leers down at Keiman, his face once more transforming into something horrifying to behold.

~~You should start giving some thought to this zero-sum game we’ve trapped ourselves in, dear.~~

* * *

* * *

“I hate his guts, but this is some of the coolest shit ever!” I gush to Leon as dance and sway down the hall toward the cafeteria as I wave the wand through the air conducting a trail of glitter behind me.

Leon has transformed back into tiny chameleon form and is riding along on top of Reborn’s fedora. He projects a combination of vague amusement and worry at me, but he doesn’t speak again. I get the feeling that the whole Eldritch horror thing that he was rocking back there took a lot more out of him than he was letting on.

“Thanks for having my back by the way. I know I’m an exhausting walking disaster and you probably weren’t expecting things to go so sideways when Reborn asked you to tag along.”

~~Don’t fret about it, darling~~ , he says but it sounds eons away, ~~We don’t trust those two, with good reason you know, so I was glad to support you in what little way I could~~.

“... Reborn’s okay, right?”

... ~~For the most part~~... ~~as well as he ever is I suppose. Better now since he met you and the children~~.

“I’m glad,” I stop to lean against a wall and slide down. I start to trace pictures in the space with the glitter, holding them there and then igniting them in blazing voltage.

“We’re going to fix it you know? Tsuna already would have eventually, I think? The whole curse thing I mean. I don’t really know how yet I can’t remember but-“

~~You have to be careful where you tread Inari. It’s larger than you could possibly imagine.~~

“And I don’t suppose you can just tell me, huh?”

....

I smile as I spin the glitter in a spiral.

“Don’t worry about it. I’m pretty sure we’re still in phase one anyway. Miles to go and all that jazz.”

I’ll have to drop it for now. We already have so much going on, what with Mukuro and the mafia issues. I hope that the next time we get a nemesis it isn’t such a long-distance relationship. Someone a little closer by so we don’t have to wait around for them to decide to spring an invasion on us and we have a chance of retaliation.

It’s not like we can go jetting off to Italy, after all.

So we’re stuck waiting for the next time the Mind Flayer decides to strike.

Fucking beautiful.

Yeah, no more long-distance enemies, thank you.

“Weaponry is not permitted within city buildings, Sawada Inari,” Hibari fucking Kyoya intones as he glares does at me. Kusakabe is at his side, giving me a much more concerned look.

See, it’s much more convenient to have a nemesis close by.

“It’s a good thing that we’re all good little boys who would never ever play with weapons then,” I draw back sarcastically as I eye him reaching for his tonfa.

He looks like he’s about a second away from putting a nice new hole in the plaster of this very bland white wall.

“Relax, it’s just a magic wand,” I tell him and rest the wand across my lap and snap my fingers so all the glitter retracts back to the glove and settles back into its dormant state. “I’ve recently multi-classed as a wizard, you see.”

“Because you weren’t powerful enough as a bard?” Kusakabe asks.

I give him a blandly fond look, doing my best to ignore the way Hibari is rolling his eyes at the two of us.

“When are we going to play another campaign together, dude?” I ask him wryly.

He doesn’t say anything. Just raises an eyebrow.

Yeah, those days are done aren’t they?

I sigh and lean back heavily against the wall looking at the two of them with half-lidded eyes. I’m exhausted. I’m too tired to deal with the cave troll and his crap today.

Just let me sit and appreciate how pretty he is.

“What’s the matter with you?” Hibari asks, narrowing his eyes.

“So many fucking things,” I mumble, “what’s up with you anyway? I thought you were immune to mortal weapons.”

“I was feeling under the weather, so mother insisted I come for a short stay.”

He says as if this is some sort of spa and not a hospital. I know the Hibari family has some serious clout around town but this might be pushing it a little bit. Now that I think of it I’m pretty sure that his Uncle is the head of this hospital, so there is a chance that this is a spa to him.

Nepotism at its best.

But, then again, Shamal had said something about infecting Hibari with one of his fancy impossible diseases, hadn’t he? For all, I know the asshole needed some serious medical attention after that.

Not that he would tell me if he did. That’s not quite how our violent bond works.

“And here I thought you were just desperate for a new public building to make into your dungeon dwelling. And speaking of which, you must be thrilled that the school is opening again next week, you must be thrilled to be able to move back into your natural habitat.”

The corner of the Cave Troll’s eye twitches and a bratty grin spreads across my face.

God damn, I missed antagonizing him.

“ **We’ll try to keep the place standing intact this time~”**

The tonfa slams through the wall an inch from my head, and I can feel the unbridled rage radiating off of Hibari.

“Make sure that Sawada Tsunayoshi keeps his herd in line.” He growls at me.

Because he is an excessive asshole and constantly needs to refer to people by their full names.

“You do realize you actually have to graduate in a few months, right?” I ask, being deliberately belligerent, “you already held yourself back once, if you do it again no one is going to be afraid of you anymore, you’ll just be the dunce that can’t get out of middle school.”

I should probably quit while I’m ahead. As fun as this has been there is a very high chance that Hibari is going to brain me if I keep pushing his buttons.

“So, uh, thanks for helping me out on Doom Day,” I say with as much sincerity as I can muster when it comes to Hibari, “I saw that the DC were actually performing a humanitarian service and getting the civies out of harm's way.”

Every one in a while it is nice to have a paramilitary force headed by a violent and sociopathic teenager. Not all the time, but definitely when supernatural forces are invading with intent to kill everyone within the city.

I nudge Hibari in the shin with the flat of my foot trying to get him to ease up on the looming. This close up its reallllllly hard for me to ignore how fucking pretty he is and it’s starting to get to me. Please back off so I can hate you with more clarity.

“Kyoya,” Kusakabe says with a soft warning.

Ah, Tetsuya, ever the voice of reason to the beast.

Hibari shoots a look over his shoulder, and slowly pulls the tonfa out of the newly created hole, raining drywall down on me. Because that is just what I need right now.

I slam my foot hard into his knee and am immediately gratified when he flinches.

“Dick,” I snap.

He just eyes me for a long moment before he holsters his weapon. And then he reaches down and hauls me up to my feet by the collar of my shirt. Holy fuck does no one see the sling!? Am I the only one who is aware that I’m wearing this ridiculously complicated thing to HOLD MY FUCKING ARM IN PLACE?!

“I realize that I kind of deserve this but seriously, fuck you,” I wince.

“Stop breaking yourself,” he says, “You owe me quite a bit at this point, and I will be coming to collect. From you or your brother, if you fail to pull yourself back together.”

“You would dump me for Tsu? Cold dude, I’m all heartbroken and shit~” I snark.

I already know that he wouldn’t bother starting up a rivalry with Tsuna. Hibari is an ambush predator, he doesn’t see the point of expending extra effort to chase down the ‘herbivores.’

Though it is interesting to note that Tsuna had somehow managed to impress him while I was out.

I’m so proud of him

Really I am.

He pushes me back into the wall and turns away and starts walking back down the hall. And it’s only now that his back is to me that I see what I had missed before.

“ **Stay away from Sakura Blossoms** ,” I tell him. Doing my best to pour as much of my bardic powers of persuasion into the command as possible.

Because Rokudo Mukuro is a dangerous man who knows how to use people’s weaknesses against them, and Hibari Kyoya is a powerful weapon we can use against him.

And there is no other reason why I would warn him.

... It’s not like we’re friends or something.

He doesn’t even stop walking.

Fucking ass.

* * *

* * *

When Takeshi and Yamamoto-san meet us in the cafeteria I immediately know that this therapy session had been rough. ROUGH with all caps and exclamation points.

And underlines.

Takeshi’s eyes are red-rimmed and weepy.

So are Yamamoto-san’s.

I don’t even let Takeshi make it to the part where he slaps a fake smile on his face and tries to laugh it all off. I’m at his side in an instant and have him wrapped up in a one-armed hug.

He stiffens for a moment before he goes lax against me and wraps me up in a hug of his own. Which in Takeshi’s case is more like smothering me, but fuck it, I’ll put up with it for him.

Even if he is getting my hair wet with his tears.

“It’s alright,” he tells me, “I feel better now.”

Which seems a little counterintuitive to me considering he’s still a little weepy. And either way, he isn’t trying to avoid the impromptu hug-fest.

Curse my short stature and my literal inability to be a shoulder to cry on. Whatever, it’s cool, I’m down for some cuddles. I need some cuddles after the terror of Verde and my close encounter of the Hibari kind.

Mom works some magic to get Yamamoto-san back into working order. Which, from what I caught, involved booping him in the middle and then messing up his hair when he sort of doubles over in reflex.

It is weird to see parents act cute.

Weird.

But sweet.

The ride home is quiet for the most part.

I chatter aimlessly at Takeshi about stupid shit and let him know that I had run into Hibari and Kusakabe. And that I’m on the mend, which makes him perk up a bit.

The kids show off their new sticker sheets that Doctor Kuroko had given to them for being good patients. She always gives prizes at the end of appointments once she had given me an entire 300-page coloring book and a box of 64 crayons. It was sweet.

But I was also something of a ... particular case.

* * *

* * *

We don’t get back home until the late afternoon and by that time Lambo and Futa are both exhausted again and they fall asleep on the couch after playing a few rounds of Luigi Cart Racing (Yeah... we are indeed in a strange parallel universe).

Mom tucks them both in with a soft smile and a dinosaur blanket that I remember from when me and Tsuna were small.

Then I’m mostly left to my own devices.

So I go into the backyard and lay in the grass and stare up at the periwinkle blue of the early evening sky. I take off Reborn’s fedora and rest it on my chest. Leon climbs down onto the grass next to me and starts to scurry around.

Today was a lot.

Today was more than I can think to put into words.

I snap my fingers and the experimental glitter shoots out from the glove and forms a galaxy of sparkles around me again. After a moment of just basking in how fucking cool, this is I reach into the pocket of my hoodie and pull out the magic wand.

As cool as these new magic items are, there is something about my most recent interaction with Verde that continues to rub me the wrong way. And it has nothing to do with Eldritch creatures or curse implications.

It’s not even the thinly veiled death threat at the end.

I’m tired of feeling helpless.

I’m tired of feeling helpless, and I’m tired of it being my stupid fault.

...

Tears are stinging at my eyes again. I bite down hard on my lower lip and will them away as I furiously scrub them out of my eyes.

I can’t cry. It’s just going to make everything worse for everyone.

I start to hum and trace shapes through the nebula. Igniting small clutters into nodes of light and then tracing a charge through them to draw constellations.

Ursa Major.

Cassiopeia.

Draco.

Leo.

Orion.

I should try doing this at night. It would look amazing in the dark.

I wonder if how much control I can have over this?

I have so many ideas.

As much as that interaction with Verde fucked me up, this is so fucking cool I may just have to forgive him for it.

....

Only for the part with me though.

....

I want Reborn and Tsuna back now. Before this starts taking a more depressing turn.

I focus inward to find my frequency. A panicked drumbeat running in a mad loop searing for the rest of its melody. If I focus harder I can hear the tuba and oboe playing their soft dream time tunes.

I’m pretty sure I’m one musical number away from becoming a Disney Princess at this point. I already have all the other prerequisites; daddy issues, latent magic powers, talking animals, instrumental accompaniment. The only other thing I’m missing is Prince Charming.

“What did you DO?” Tsuna’s voice breaks into my internal monologue and when my eyes refocus he is looking down at me with complete incredulity.

“Nothing? Why do you assume I did something?” I ask looking back up at him and Reborn with faux innocence.

Dissonant contrasting melodies are being projected at me and both of them are screaming bewilderment and concern.

I quickly slap a smile on my face.

They look like they had a fun day too.

At least Reborn does.

Tsuna is looking a little bit charred.

Tsuna makes a wide sweeping motion with his hands to indicate the entirety of our sparkled filled backyard that I have been unconsciously sending volts of electricity through.

“What? Your the only one who gets some new swag?” I ask with a sly grin, “Don’t be jealous Bro-Bro you definitely have the more majestic stick out of the two of us.”

I punctuate this with a showy wave of the slim featureless metal wand.

“I meant the GLITTER.”

“Apparently it is an ‘experimental superconductive compound’ according to Verde at least,” I tell him as I snap my fingers again, reversing the charge and drawing all the glitter back to its dormant state on the absurdly sparkly glove once more. “It probably isn’t going to kill me.”

“What!?” There is such a shrill note of panic in Reborn’s voice that the already pitchy tone that it is stuck at climbs up another octave.

He is at my side in an instant and looking me over for any visible signs of new injuries or trauma. And I’m about to tease him for overreacting -

- _lungs will regrow after being dissolved_ -

And where I meant for a laugh comes a terrible keening sound from deep in my chest. Because as much I can push down my own shit, I have never been able to tune out a person in pain.

It was a terrible thing that happened.

I don’t even know how long ago it happened.

I don’t know if it still bothers him.

I don’t know if anyone ever hugged him after it happened.

Not that I’m just going to assault him with a hug. Reborn doesn’t like being manhandled. It makes him uncomfortable. I don’t want to make it worse.

Why do I keep making everything worse?

Can I just stop fucking everything up?! Why do I just keep fucking everything up?!

I’m fine. It’s fine. There is no need for me to be such an overdramatic baby all the fucking time. I need to grow the fuck up and just be chill.

All at once I am enveloped in a protective cocoon of a melodious violin. Which is contrasted dissonantly with the concerned reaching notes of a trumpet.

~~Breathe Darling~~.

I breathe. Clenching my eyes shut for a moment as I slot things back into place. It was a good day. I was fine. I shouldn’t be having a meltdown right now.

I shouldn’t be like this.

“What did he do?” He demands, voice low and dangerous. The pacifier around his neck igniting with the thrum of power and a distant sound of screaming. “I’ll kill him.”

Tsuna has started to panic. He drops to his knees next to me and his melody is picking up in a terrified intensity. He looks from me to Reborn and back again in confusion.

“Who’s Verde?”

“A dangerous madman,” Reborn growls.

At the same time, I say, “the dude who made the robots that joined in with the assassin convention a couple of months ago.”

“He’s an assassin!?” Tsuna shrieks, “You went to the Doctor! When did you run into an assassin!?”

“At the hospital,” I tell them both straightforwardly. They are both still projecting at me with concerned and protective intensity.

I need to step this down.

“I’m fine,” I reassure them both as I hit a heartbeat toward both of them. Steady and strong.

“Really, he just said something that upset me a little... I mean he kidnapped me too, and that kinda sucked, but he didn’t, like, torture me or anything. He just yammered at me a lot and then aggressively gave me experimental magic items.”

“You were kidnapped,” Tsuna states flatly, “again.”

“... In his defense, I wasn’t so much kidnapped as I willingly followed a Deinonychus through the halls of the hospital because I am way too curious for my own damn good.”

“Deinoc- what?”

“Biiiiiig Alligator.”

“AN ALLIGATOR!?”

“Monello,” Reborn says sharply.

I really need to stop scaring Tsuna. He’s probably going to have a heart attack from all the stress that I keep piling onto him.

I’m making things harder for him, aren’t I?

He doesn’t even need me anymore, does he?

No one **NEEDS** me I shouldn’t even **BE**.

And Reborn shouldn’t even have to worry about a disaster like me. Hadn’t he said when he first got here, ‘My priority is Dame-Tsuna. Don’t think of interfering.’ He should have just stuck with that he shouldn’t have to deal with-

A small hand rests in my palm and I stare at it for a long moment as warmth pulses through me and abruptly something slots into place. My hand closes around Reborn’s and I let out a long shuttering breath.

Tsuna stops freaking out so loudly and is now just quietly petting my hair as the three of us sit on the grass in a weird Venn diagram of harmonization.

And it’s still pure dissonance between the two of them. But that’s fine. Because I am balancing between two harmonies and suddenly I feel a little less empty.

A little less broken.

Since I woke up everyone has been looking at me like they’ve been waiting for something. Waiting for me to crack and make everything worse. So I didn’t. I didn’t fall apart, I didn’t cry. No matter how much it hurt, no matter how scared I was, I didn’t cry.

Everyone was already feeling so terrible and guilty it was just going to make it worse.

Tsuna cried.

Takeshi cried.

Even Mom had cried as she held me after the surgery.

Reborn has spent hours every day glued to my side letting me steal away his magic like some sort of terrible parasite.

So I hadn't cried.

Because I hate hearing the hurt.

But that’s not how this works, is it?

Hibari is right, as much as I loathe saying that. Even the cave troll can have profound moments of insight.

I can’t keep breaking myself and expecting to get better by cracking jokes and acting like a moron.

You don’t get better by playing pretend. By walling off the parts that hurt.

**By pretending that I don’t remember...**

Big hot tears start rolling down my cheeks. My vision is blurred and my eyes are burning and suddenly I’m sobbing. Loud, terrible, ugly sobs. I’m sure that my face looks like a horrible mess right now, but I can’t rub the tears away or try to hide them.

Reborn is still holding my hand, and it’s important that I don’t let go.

I’m curled half into a fetal position and his hat is still pressed up against my chest like it’s some sort of teddy bear or something, but he doesn’t seem to care at the moment. He’s speaking softly to me in Italian. I can only make out every third word or so, but its comforting none the less.

Tsuna has started crying too. His forehead is pressed gently against my bound arm and his chanting of apologies and reassurances and promises to do better to be stronger.

And I can’t say a word.

I can hardly suck in a breath.

I’m just bawling my eyes out. 

I cry until there are no tears left in me and I am just dry heaving sobs into the lawn. I cry until I’m completely and utterly worn out and my eyes feel swollen and gummy.

It feels like poison being drained from a wound.

Like a dam breaking.

Like honesty.

Like connection.

**Like I’m filled with something other than sharpness and knives.**

I feel uncompromising, unyielding support from my brother at my back.

And when my eyes are finally able to refocus I meet Reborn’s and find understanding.

“S-s-so I m-mig-ht’ve be-en ly’n abo’t being o-okay,” I blubber through the fading of heaving sobs.

“I know,” Reborn says as he rests his other hand on top of mine. Soft violin weaves easily around my new beat. And for the first time in a long time, the panic that has been twisting my insides fades and I stabilize on a new axis.

“Sor-ry,” I hiccup to both of them.

“Stop it,” Tsuna whispers, is own voice wet and wobbly, “I cry on you all the time. I’m crying on you now.”

I can’t answer. I think I might have run out of words for the first time in my life.

“We will talk later, Monello,” Reborn says, “About you're admitted ‘impulse control issues’ among other things.”

He gives me a wry smile, and I give him a watery laugh.

It will be complicated later.

But for now, I just breathe.

* * *

* * *

We have those important conversations little by little, starting with actually dealing with what happened on Doom Day rather than just shutting everyone down with stupid jokes and pointless monologues when they try to apologize.

There are more tears.

From everyone.

I tell them my side of the story, they tell me theirs.

And little by little things start to feel lighter.

And I do start feeling better.

We all do really.

* * *

* * *

“I’m sorry I keep running off,” I tell Tsuna, as we huddle together in a blanket fort.

“I’m sorry I didn’t hear you,” He tells me back.

There is a soft glow from the battery-operated night light set between us. A relic from years past when we would routinely build blanket forts that would encompass the entire living room and spend hours pretending that we were searching for treasure.

I used to have to build them because Tsuna would always knock the whole thing down when he tried.

This time he sets the whole thing up around me with gentle coordinated motions.

“Thank you,” Tsuna says suddenly, after a moment of quiet passes.

“For what?”

“For always being there when I need you,” He smiles softly, “For always looking out for me, for never giving up.”

“Except when I’m all unconscious and shit,” I say, with a tad of self-deprecation.

The night light flickers out and dies. But the light doesn’t leave the space.

There is a soft glow from the tiny flame that flickers on the tip of Tsuna’s finger. There is an intense look of concentration on his face as he stares at it, willing it into existence.

It’s still hard for him to grab it himself, but he can now.

He wants to now.

And that is amazing.

“Even then,” He says, not breaking his focus, “You’re the voice inside my head after all.”

* * *

* * *

“If I ever get brainwashed and try to blow you up again just punch me in the fucking face, idiot,” Hayato snaps, “don’t just stand there.”

“Yeah, yeah, I promise I’ll break your nose or whatever.”

“Not ‘whatever,’” He says seriously, “Tsuna would never forgive me if I hurt you and, well, the baseball idiot would be impossible, and ... we’re friends too... right?”

I roll my eyes dramatically, “Of course we are dumbass.”

Hayato flushes and abruptly averts his gaze looking super uncomfortable.

“Right ... right, uhh.....”

“Did you see that shit about the signal the Greenbank Telescope picked up last week?” I ask abruptly changing the subject so something I know he’ll like.

Aliens of course.

* * *

* * *

Me and Takeshi go and watch our teams last summer game together. We sit right behind the dugout and we cheer and holler and start silly chants.

The Namimori Green Demons win, of course, we do we are the fucking best in the Middle School Division. The team is probably going to make it to nationals this year.

But we won’t be going with them.

When all the celebrations are done we make our way down to the dugout together where the team is packing up. And we tell them our goodbyes.

It’s a lot harder than I thought I would be.

But Takeshi smiles, confident and determined.

And I know we’re going to be okay.

Our extracurricular activities are just going to be more violent and illegal from now on.

* * *

* * *

“We need a speed boat,” Kyoko says.

“Where are we going to get a speed boat?”

“Tsu-kun,” she says sweetly and turns to look at Tsuna and Reborn who are trailing behind us. Tsuna giving us a look of pained exasperation, Reborn one of delighted amusement (which looks a lot like his default placid smile, but I can TELL).

“Could you two not drag me into your imaginary crime spree,” he beseeches us.

“Tsu if we let them get away with those diamonds then the bad guy will be able to power his death laser,” I tell him, a wide grin spreading across my face.

He looks back and forth between us as we continue to give him our best puppy dog eyes.

He sighs, “Where am I even supposed to find a speed boat?”

“You have no problem-solving skills at all do you?” Reborn asks snidely, enjoying watching Tsuna squirm.

“How should I know where boats live!? A boat parking lot? I break into a boat parking lot and steal you a boat.”

“I think you mean a marina, dude.”

“Hieee~ Leave me alone I stole you a boat.”

“How?” Kyoko prompts, as she slides back into step with him and links her arm through his.

“Eh?”

“How did you steal me a boat?” She flutters her eyelashes at him and he makes a duck-like noise.

“Kyoko-chan has a point, Dame-Tsuna, you can’t just say something and expect it to happen, you need to show your work.”

He looks wide-eyed at the three of us as we stare at him expectantly.

“Wait, you actually want me to figure out how to steal a boat!?”

“It will be good practice for your future,” Reborn says.

“Yeah, Bro-Bro, you never know when you might need to quickly steal a boat to chase down a maniac plotting world domination.”

* * *

* * *

On the penultimate day of summer vacation, Reborn meets me down in the kitchen at around three in the morning. I already have two mugs of coffee set out (those same big mouth frog novelty mugs) for us by the time he settles in next to me.

He was acting weird for most of the day. He had let Tsuna sleep in, hadn’t insisted on any training.

He had also disappeared for about four hours, and when he had returned he was tense and his melody had taken on a shrill edge.

His fists were also glowing in a somewhat concerning way that just screamed ‘violence has taken place on this day.’

I have a pretty good idea where he went.

I’m sure Verde is still alive. He seems like a resilient asshole.

I’m not sitting there very long before Reborn joins me. There is a wave of warmth that settles into my dully aching shoulder that settles it into something more manageable. I slump over the table and give him a sleepy smile.

“Speaking as the person who is on the receiving end of your recent foyer into the wonderful world of healing magic, you are my hero~” I praise.

He rolls his eyes at me and takes a long drink of the piping hot coffee.

“Considering extenuating circumstances you are likely to be the only one who will ever be on the receiving end of my ‘healing magic,’ as you so eloquently put it.”

He puts his mug back on the table and gives me a somewhat challenging and expectant look.

As if he is waiting for me to say something.

To confirm his long-held suspicion.

“Is it because of the curse thing?” I ask straightforward, meeting his eyes dead-on.

It doesn’t feel right to keep pretending that I don’t know at this point. Especially considering the details that Verde gave me.

It’s a certain kind of hell to be constantly misunderstood.

To be forgotten.

He stares back mutely for a long moment. If not for his fingers tapping rhythmically against his mug I would think he was frozen. The moment is broken as his eyes slide closed and he laughs lightly.

“You really are an impossible thing, aren’t you.”

“It is one of my best character traits, dude.” I grin at him and then shrug, “I think it’s a little late in the day for me to start playing dumb.”

“You always do such a wonderful job of it though,” he teases.

“I play the stereotypical dumb blonde well,” I shoot back.

He quirks an eyebrow at me and takes another sip of his coffee.

“How long have you known?” He asks.

“Since day one,” I affirm, “You really don’t carry yourself like a toddler dude. I mean I wasn’t one hundred percent sure what was going on at first, but I knew you were an adult.”

Reborn lets out a long drawn out sigh, “You have no idea how gratifying it is to hear that, Monello.”

“You knew that I knew something was up though, right?” I coax.

“I had a feeling, but I wasn’t entirely certain how much you knew.”

“Full disclosure, thanks to Verde’s motor mouth I know a lot more than I knew before.”

Reborn finishes the rest of his coffee and starts eyeing my, mostly full, mug. I push it over to him and he accepts it gratefully and starts gulping it down.

“He’s somewhat more....unstable than the last time I saw him,” he acknowledges.

“...Out of curiosity was the last time you saw him when he liquified your lungs, or have you seen him since? And if so WHY?”

Reborn pauses mid-sip and puts the mug gently back onto the kitchen table.

“He has gotten chatty.”

He looks decidedly uncomfortable at this moment. I really don’t think he wants to talk about said traumatic experience at three in the morning either.

“I’m not looking for extrapolation, I just thought I ought to mention that he told me an upsetting little anecdote about your personal life and it felt weird for me to hold onto that without letting you know.”

His expression flattens out into his usual placid smile, “your concern is appreciated but unnecessarily.”

“...Kay... but I’m, like, here for you if you ever want to talk,” I say like the awkward moron that I am. “I do have lots of personal experience with asphyxiation now.”

I have way too many experiences with not being able to breathe at this point. It is starting to become a complex.

“Thanks for fixing my voice box by the way,” I say quietly, gratefully. “I know most folks would have seen the no taking as an upgrade.”

“Never,” he swears.

“Thanks,” I whisper again.

We sit in companionable silence for a while as we let this little moment of truth wash over us. There is more that I could probably tell him. I’m not going to though. Not yet at least. I think there have been enough personal, emotional revelations for three in the morning.

Time to move on to something more actionable.

“So any news on the Mukuro situation?” I ask.

“Nothing,” He says, as he meets my eyes with a strange intensity, “The Della Rosa and Estraeno compounds have both been disturbingly silent since meeting the man behind the curtain.”

“Or rather his astral projection.”

Reborn nods in acknowledgment before proceeding.

“However, I was finally able to contact one of my ‘friends’ in CEDEF and she apprised me of a developing situation that the Family is dealing with.”

I don’t say anything, and I try hard not to react when the external advisory committee is brought up. I don’t really want to think about the old man right now.

I had gone through invasive surgery and he hadn’t even had the decency to call and check in on me.

“Over the past 172 hours three high profile Families have withdrawn from the Vongola Alliance without warning or explanation.” His gaze goes hard, “One Family has been annihilated.”

...Wait...

“He had Futa’s book,” I whisper in grim realization.

“Apparently, our enemy has a very accurate memory.”

“Fuck.”

What had Mukuro called himself?

**New Management**?

I think I know what he’s going for now. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There were some important things that needed to be said and done. And now some important parts have fallen into place. 
> 
> Finally the truth hath been spoken!
> 
> Verde is a motor mouth with no sense of morality or personal boundaries and despite adding somewhat to Inari’s growing load of trauma he actually managed to get some stuff moving. 
> 
> He also made Inari some nifty magic items.
> 
> Inari is always a mess, but he managed to come to some important personal realizations and levelled up his social links. 
> 
> All important things to face what’s coming :)
> 
> Thank you all so much for the comments and kudos. They give me the power to write every week. 
> 
> And as always I love hearing from you so let me know: Questions? Comments? Theories?


	23. Conversations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> People Talk.

_BRRIIING... BRRIIING._...

**BEEP... BEEP... BEEP...**

“ **All circuits are busy right now please try again later.**...”

* * *

* * *

_BRRIIING... BRRIIING..._.

**BEEP... BEEP... BEEP**...

“ **You have reached the Namimori call centre. We are currently experiencing technical difficulties. Pleas- _SCHREEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!_** ”

“Ow, ow, ow!”

“Boss! Are you alright!?”

“Owww, I’m fine Romario don’t worry. There’s just something wrong with the phone...”

* * *

* * *

_BRRIIING... BRRIIING..._.

“🎶🎶🎵🎶...”

“... Is that... music?”

...

“What the hell is going on there?”

* * *

* * *

_BRRIIING... BRRIIING...._

_BRRIIING... BRRIIING..._

_BRRIIING_...

**CLICK**...

“Reborn? Hello? Are you there?”

...

“Is this your answering machine? Can’t you at least say ‘you’ve reached the worlds only hitman tutor, please leave a message?”

...

“It’s Dino...I might be in trouble... somebody stole the ring.”

...

“I know, I know, I’m a useless idiot and you told me to keep it safe.”

...

“Things have been getting a little crazy over here so... any advice at all would be appreciated.”

...

* * *

* * *

_BRRIIING... BRRIIING...._

_BRRIIING... BRRIIING..._

_BRRIIING..._

“ **This is Dino. Leave a message and I’ll get back to you as soon as I can.**..”

**BEEEEP**...

“Dame-Dino, I’m a busy man answer your phone when I call.”

* * *

* * *

_BRRIIING... BRRIIING...._

_BRRIIING... BRRIIING..._

_BRRIIING..._

“ **WhO iS ThIS wHaT DO yOU waNt!? ArE YOu One OF ThEM**?!” Comes the horrible caterwauling screech that answers.

“Fucking hell, man! Don’t scream into the phone,” I shout back, holding the receiver away from my ear. My now ringing ear.

God damn, I was not expecting that.

Tsuna looks up from his homework and gives me a startled look. He sits up again and peeks over at the phone book page I have laid out on the table between us.

He points at the number in the add and I check the display on the landline.

Yup. That’s the right number.

“Are you coming for my organs?” The rickety voice creaks and cracks again in manic suspicion.

“What!? No I don’t want your organs! I wanted to ask about your party rates for cosmic bowling!”

Maybe I did call the wrong number? I make another comparison of the number in the add and the one on the phone and, no, they still match.

“Is this the Heaven’s Gate Diner and Fun Complex?” I ask warily, “out by the Old Mountain Road and Expressway 7?”

My finger is already is already hovering over the end call button.

In case the answer is anything other than ‘yes,’ and ‘did you enjoy my delightful little prank?’ Because I am suddenly terrified that I have accidentally killed some sort of ax murdering serial killer who is going to track this number and come steal MY organs.

“... Are you a customer?”

“Yeeeesss?” I answer tentatively.

“Well why didn’t you say so sir!” The mans tone shifts dramatically into something more peppy and less paranoid. “This Yamaguchi Minatozaki speaking how can I help you.”

I give Tsuna my best, ‘what the actual fuck,’ look. Even though he can’t hear fifty percent of this conversation I am fairly certain that he has picked up on the fact that there is something abnormal going on.

I had said that bit about organs out loud after all.

He quickly scribbles something out in his note book and holds it up for me to see.

‘HANG UP.’

That would probably the smart thing to do right now.

“Anyway, you wanted some cosmic bowling, huh? Wha’cha gonna give me for it?”

“... Money?” I reply slowly and cautiously, “As is traditional in business transactions such as these.”

“I’ve got money,” he says with slow curiosity, “what else you got?”

This is probably the strangest phone call that I have ever had. And I have spoken to Verde on the phone. I spoke to Verde on the phone last night when he had called to see if my ‘scientifically engineered glitter’ has killed me yet.

The answer to that had obviously been no. Which I assume he had already known considering how redundant it would be to phone a dead person.

I think he’s lonely.

It’s a weird thought particularly because he seems to be projecting his repressed desire for socialization upon me and I’m still sort of, kind of pissed off at him for the who ‘liquefying lungs’ revelation.

But apparently not pissed off enough to block his number.

I did let Reborn listen in on that call though. It seemed kind of rude to ditch him in the middle of Casablanca to his ... colleague? Nemesis? Fellow human sacrifice?

“What do you want to barter for magic items? Are you an NPC shop owner in an RPG? What’s wrong with money.”

At the table Tsuna has started to aggressively underline the, ‘HANG UP,’ sign and is tapping on it insistently.

“Do you have magic items?” He asks waaaaaaay to intensely.

“Not on me right now and none that I would be willing to trade for bowling.”

“Are you sure?”

“Very.”

Yamaguchi Minatozaki makes a teeth sucking slurping noise that is followed by a high pitched whistle that, for reasons that I cannot determine, fills me with a sense of icy dread.

“... What’s yer name?” He asks with sudden clarity.

“My name?”

Tsuna throws his pencil at me and starts making wide sweeping X motions with his arms, indicating to me, ‘HANG UP THE PHONE NOW YOU DUMB IDIOT!’

I hold up a finger.

“Inari?” I answer, somewhat reluctantly. I don’t really know why beyond a morbid sense of curiosity.

“INARI!?” The man shrieks again. So loudly that I almost chuck the receiver at the wall. “I THOUGHT YOU WERE DEAD!?”

I do, however, pull the phone away from my head and take a moment to stare at it.

“I don’t think so?” I say as I look myself over.

I’m a little bit concerned about how many people keep calling to check in on the current state of my aliveness.

“Are you sure?”

“... Less and less the longer this conversation goes on,” I tell him, as honest as I have ever been in my life. “I’m going to hang up now.”

“That’s probably for the best... GOoDbYE!”

The phone on the other end is slammed down and then I am left listening to the dial tone. I then, very carefully and very gently, hang up the receiver on the wall mount as not to anger the restless spirit that now most certainly resides within our landline.

  
“What the heck was that!?” Tsuna whisper screams.

“That,” I tell him matter-of-factly, “was our decision to go with Takeshi’s plan to host the party at Take Sushi.”

“Why would you tell him your name?” He continues.

I shrug as I close the phone book and slide it back into the small shelf under the wall mounted phone.

“Just because he’s crazy doesn’t mean I have to have bad manners.”

“The first thing you said during that call was fuck.”

“And I stand by that because he screamed in my ear,” I fire back promptly.

He stares.

I smile.

“Who screamed in your ear?” Reborn asks as he walks into the kitchen, shoving his (new) cellphone into his pocket.

“Nobody,” I say at the same time Tsuna says, “A crazy person.”

I give him a flat look as he makes himself look busy. I have the distinct feeling that I have been thrown under the bus as a distraction because Tsuna has yet to complete his homework.

Because he spent the past two unsupervised hours texting with Kyoko while giggling like a goofball. I watched him doodle their names in hearts in stereotypical teenaged fashion.

“Monello,” Reborn sighs.

“It’s an old man who runs a bowling alley,” I reassure him, “It’s not like he’s some sort of nefarious assassin.”

“He asked you about organs,” Tsuna continues.

I glare at him as I feel Reborn’s attention intensify again. I don’t think Tsuna has caught onto the imminent panic attack that Reborn has been rocking for the past few days. Though to be fair, I don’t think anyone who can’t hear the metaphysical musical accompaniment would be able to pick up on it.

Because Reborn slams down on his emotional output hard.

This whole breakdown of the Vongola Alliance/imminent mafia war thing. He had actually told Tsuna about that little tidbit, and my brothers immediately blunt response was, “Good, they can deal with it then,” which was closely followed by a frown and, “You’re staying here through right?” While he gave me a concerned look.

I don’t know why...

“Which was a weird thing to ask about, I grant you that. But I called an actual real number advertised in a phone book to ask about rates for cosmic bowling. I don’t think there is anything nefarious going on here.”

Reborn stares at me in a fond, exasperated way.

I smile at him and send a steadying beat his way.

Because this time it actually is fine.

“Not every random weird thing that happens is going to lead to some terrible emotionally scarring bullshit.”

Both of them stare at me in solid judgement and disbelief.

I think we all need a vacation. An actual real relaxing vacation not one that is filled with high octane hijinks or traumatizing assassination attempts or brutal violence. I mean an actual vacation where we all just lay down quietly on a beach basking the cozy sunshine.

Maybe some booze...

I don’t know what’s with the alcohol cravings. It might have something to do with the fact that I now know that at one point in my existence I could legally drink and now I can’t.

Because I’m fourteen... Almost fourteen.

This is going to start fucking with me.

Isn’t there a tropical mafia island somewhere? Is that I thing that I rememberor am I just imagining things? If not we should totally go chill on a mafia island resort once the Mukuro shit has calmed down.

On the old man’s dime of course.

If he cant even pay for my fucking surgery he can at least pay for a fucking vacation, right?

Right.

“Hieeeeee~” Tsuna whines, as Reborn tugs the homework pages out from beneath his folded arms. He makes an abortive grab for the evidence of his procrastination and diversions in imagination-land.

Reborn smacks his hand with a lime green folded fan. As if Tsuna was a naughty child caught stealing from the cookie jar.

He spends about half a second looking at it before he quirks an eyebrow at Tsuna and says, “far be it from me to discourage you from taking your girlfriends family name in the event of marriage, but I don’t believe the answer to : Cells that conduct messages is - Sasagawa Tsunayoshi.”

Tsuna turns so red so fast that for a second I’m worried that he’s going to pass out. He stutters and stumbles and says absolutely no words as Reborn sets the worksheets back down in front of him.

“Neurons right?” I insert, taking pity on poor sweet Bro-Bro.

“No giving away answers, Monello,” He teases.

“But that’s an easy one~”

Tsuna groans as he tries to erase the evidence of his daydreaming, “Can we go back to talking about the organ stealing guy?” He asks, somewhat desperate for another diversion.

“Non issue, party at Takeshi’s,” I say as I rock back in my seat and stare at the ceiling, “that should make Mom and Yamamoto-san happy too, they seem to be enjoying hanging out together. And it will probably be easier to low-key kidnap Hayato to the restaurant rather than to the mountain. Now that I think of it that would probably just give him flashbacks of Doll-Face and his crew...”

Reborn twitches at the reference to Dino and the Cavallone boys. It’s barely there, a skipped note, a stumble, completely imperceptible before it resolves on its own.

He knows that I caught it though.

He holds my gaze for a long beat, and then turns his attention back to Tsuna and starts his tutoring session.

That... was concerning.

What’s going on?

* * *

* * *

_BRRIIING... BRRIIING...._

_BRRIIING... BRRIIING..._

_BRRIIING..._

“ **This is Dino. Leave a message and I’ll get back to you as soon as I can...** ”

**BEEEEP**...

“If you are deliberately screening my calls you useless idiot -“

* * *

* * *

_BRRIIING... BRRIIING...._

_BRRIIING... BRRIIING..._

_BRRIIING..._

“ **This is Romario. - What kind of answering machine message is that! -Boss wha- at least make it a little more interesting tha- Hey! ... This is Romario, please leave a message after the beep**.”

**BEEEEEP**.

* * *

* * *

_BRRIIING... BRRIIING...._

_BRRIIING... BRRIIING..._

_BRRIIING..._

“ **Greetings, you have reached the Cavallone Stables. Regular business hours are between 7 am and 7 pm Monday to Friday, and 10 am to 5 pm Saturday and Sunday. If you have questions about our boarding facilities please press 1. If you are calling regarding a purchase please press 2. If you are interested in hearing racing information including dates, times, and statistics please press 3. For all other questions please press 4 and we will get back to you as soon as possible. Thank you and have a nice day.** ”

**BEEEEP**....

“Paula, I’m trying to get in touch with your boss, but he won’t answer. Have him call me back as soon as possible. It’s important... It’s about the ring”

* * *

* * *

_BRI_ -

“ **Hell** -“

“What are you doing? Really spell it out to me because I’m trying to think of an explanation and the only thing that I can possibly think of is that you are actually as much of an idiot as everyone says.”

“ **I don’t really have time** -“

“You never do.”

**CLICK**

* * *

* * *

I head over to Takeshi’s place bright and early.

Tsuna is still snoring away, mumbling and drooling into his pillow. Reborn is snoozing in his ceiling hammock and peeks over at me when he hears me shuffling around pulling my uniform out from under my bed. I told them both last night I would be heading out early and they assaulted me with the dissonant concerned musical numbers.

We worked it out. I’m doing this whole, ‘steps to regain my confidence and independence thing.’ And as much as I enjoy the cuddles and concern and the infusions of magical sunshine, I need to know that I can go places without one or both of them stapled to me like a security blanket.

It is getting better through. I’ve already reached the point where it no longer feels like my soul is being stretched uncomfortably when they’re both out of sight.

The lime green ceiling hammock opens two enormous, glowing yellow eyes and Leon stares at me alongside his human.

~~Stay safe dear~~.

I wave at both of them and Reborn falls back asleep.

With his eyes wide open...

He does it deliberately. I know this, because when he gets really exhausted he passes right the fuck out.

The kiddos are sprawled out on the fluffy futons on the ground. Mom is in the process of remodelling the old man’s study (that hasn’t been used in eight years and had been used all of once before that) into a new bedroom for the kiddos.

It’s not quite done yet. She still needs to repaint the walls and order the new furniture. She was talking to Yamamoto-san about it on the drive back from the hospital the other day. She mentioned her plan and he offered to help her out.

I’m not sure how well chef and composer skills translate into home renovations, but I’m sure they’ll figure it out. If not I’m sure I can convince Reborn to call in his contractor to come fix up the damage in the middle of the night.

Like a joyful little shoe elf.

A large, menacing, shoe elf who only speaks Russian and most likely used to kill people for a living... or hide the bodies.

“Where are you off to,” Mom asks me softly as I try to sneak quietly though the kitchen.

“Takeshi’s,” I say stoping to look at her.

Mom is perched on the counter and is spinning a LP between her fingers. She looks... sad.

“Mom, are you okay?” I ask as I hop up on the counter next to her.

She doesn’t look at me, but she smiles gently and slides the record back into the sleeve and sets it down on the countertop next to her. It’s not a regular record cover, it looks like it’s hand made.

It looks familiar.

And it’s only because I’ve been keeping up with my Italian lessons that I can read the handwriting on the front”

‘ _To my Lucky Number,_

_From Lavina with love._ ’

“I’m okay, baby. Mama was just thinking about some things,” she says and with a flash her smile brightens and she’s looking at me again. “So you’re heading over to Takeshi’s? Do you want me to walk with you?”

“No... not unless you want to I mean. I should be alright they don’t live too far away,” Mom has never really been a helicopter parent, but with all of the recent bullshit she has gotten a touch more overprotective than she was before. If it will make her feel better to walk with me then I have no problem with it.

Mom reaches out to me and smooshes my face between her hands and gives me an appraising look over. I blink up at her, and she laughs, releasing my face and ruffling my hair.

“ I think you should be fine. Just call me if you get into any trouble alright?”

“And you will send a large spectral bear made out of hard light to come rushing to my rescue?” I ask cheekily as I hop down from the counter, careful not to jostle my arm too much. It’s almost healed but too much moving around still occasionally leaves me wanting to cut the damn thing off.

Mom raises an eyebrow, “I can’t exactly do that all the time,” she answers wryly.

But I notice that she doesn’t deny it.

“But you can do it, right?” I ask.

She looks at me for a loooooong moment.

“Yes,” she finally says, “But only under very specific circumstances.”

I was right.

**HOLY SHIT I WAS RIGHT!?**

What does this mean?! Does it mean anything!?

**I mean we live in a world where magic and monsters and mad science all exist so it shouldn’t be too surprising-**

HOLY SHIT!!

“You are the most epically badass Mom in existence, you know that, right?” I tell her, a little bit awestruck.

I mean, I had a feeling, but to hear her confirm it so readily is something else entirely.

“It’s always nice to hear it sweetie,” she says as she too hops down from the counter and straightens out her skirt.

“... um, I hope you don’t mind me asking, but what’s with the record?”

**It looks familiar**.

It looks so familiar, but I can’t manage to break past the wall of static in my mind.

“Oh,” Mom looks surprised for a moment before she reaches over and holds the record up for me to see. “You would probably recognize it if I played it. I used to always have it on when you boys were small before...”

“Oh...”

A quiet permeates the kitchen as we both are suddenly back in 1993 and everything is terrible and quiet and wrong.

“... A very dear friend of mine recorded this for me before I left Italy,” Mom says, as she carefully steers the conversation back into less treacherous waters.

**Piano keys.**

**Being struck so beautifully.**

**A dance.**

“Gershwin?” I ask suddenly

“The Rhapsody in Blue was always one of my favourites,” Mom says, and rubs her thumbs gently across the sleeve. “And Lavina could perform it better than anyone I’ve ever known. She was so talented.”

She stops talking and just stares down at the record in her hands again.

“... Mama?”

“She was a wonderful and talented **human**. And sweetie,” She touches my face gently and looks into my eyes.

Her eyes flash. 

A burning white light.

And-

* * *

* * *

“... _Is this thing on?”_

_..._

_“I should have asked one of the seniors to record this for me. I think there should be a red light or something - there it is!”_

_..._

_“Okay, I think it’s going now. Hi Lucky, congratulations on your wedding and your good news. You better send me pictures once the baby’s born. I promise I’ll come visit you soon. I’ve always wanted to go visit mothers homeland and this gives me a good reason to take a nice trip.”_

_..._

_“Anyway, I’m recording this one special for you. I know it’s one of your favourites. Think of me when you play it.”_

_..._

“... _Maybe one day our children will be friends too._ ”

...

* * *

* * *

I Make it to Takeshi’s around quarter after six.

He and his dad live in Old Town Namimori. Which is exactly how it sounds. It is the district that has all the historical architecture, the shrines, the perpetually sinking library that for some reason people still go to.

Their house is actually huge, not that you would know that when your approaching from the street. Take Sushi is a nice homey looking sushi restaurant that for the most part obscures the view to the rest of the MANOR that the Yamamoto family lives in.

All two of them.

It had belonged to his mothers family, and, well... it’s theirs now. Or to be more specific Yamamoto-san’s.

Seriously, their house has wings, and a dojo.

And its all conveniently on one floor. It was a lot of fun running around the place when we were kids. So many hallways. So many doors.

... So convenient for a six year old who was incapable of doing stairs.

“Your late,” Takeshi says, trying to look stern, but failing horribly.

He got really excited when I called him last night. One; because I had relented to his superior birthday party planning skills, and two; because I told him I would be coming over.

I hadn’t really thought about it until I hung up, but it has been a reaaaaaaly long time since I’ve been over to Takeshi’s just to hang out. It was like back in April.... so yeah, I’ve done a great job of maintaining my friendships outside of mafia shit.

I’m going to do better at that. That is my new promise to myself. Along with the whole stop bottling up negative emotions thing and actually talk about things that hurt rather than waiting to have a meltdown in my backyard when it all reaches critical mass.

See, I can grow as a person.

**Slowly**.

Oh, shut up.

“Sorry man. Was briefly waylaid by Mom,” I tell him as I quickly send a text to Mom to let her know that I made it safely and there was no reason to summon the divine wrath.

“Everything okay?”

“Yeah,” I mean the way our conversation had ended was a little bit weird, but I don’t think it’s anything bad.

**The way she said ‘human’ was weird though, right?**

“Anyway, you wanted to talk party plans and other ‘stufffff~” I prompt.

Takeshi grins at me, “You’ll see.”

He grabs my good arm and drags me though the restaurant toward the kitchen with a little more force than is probably called for, but Takeshi tends to forget his own strength when he gets excited.

“Dad, Inari’s here!” He calls as he jumps up onto the counter and leans over the glass divider. “We’regoingtogotothedojonowokay!”

He says so quickly that I almost don’t catch everything.

“Wait a minute,” Yamamoto-san says as he walks through the curtain divider. His eyes immediately lock on Takeshi and sighs, “Takeshi, knees off the counter, customers eat there.”

He says this with all the paternal exasperation of a man who has repeated these same words every day for fifteen years.

“Oops, sorry Dad,” Takeshi laughs and hops off the counter scratching at the back of his head sheepishly.

“Mornin’ Yamamoto-san,” I greet.

“Good morning Inari,” He smiles a very ‘Dad’ smile at me, “You’re looking much better today.”

“Yup, apparently my healing has been unusual and unprecedented,” I grin, “Pretty soon I’ll be able to ditch the sling and once again all will be right in the universe.” 

“That’s good to hear,” And then he fixes a still sheepish looking Takeshi with a pointed look, “What was that about the dojo?”

“You caught that did you?”

“Takeshi-“

“I just wanted to show Inari what I’ve learned so far~” Takeshi pleads giving his Dad the best puppy dog eyes that he has in his arsenal.

Yamamoto-san gives him a hard stare.

Takeshi’s eyes widen even more and he sticks out his lower lip in an adorable pout.

Yamamoto-san narrows his eyes.

The lip quivers.

“Fine, fine, stop it with the look, Takeshi. Just be careful, I already told you a sword isn’t a toy.”

The pout immediately vanishes and is replaced with a wolffish grin.

“Thanks Dad, we’ll be back in a little bit to talk about the surprise party stuff,” Takeshi says quickly and starts dragging me through the ‘employees only’ door and down the long hallway that connects the restaurant to the rest of the Yamamoto residence.

Takeshi is notably quiet as we move through dimly lit halls. Not in a bad way, more in an barely contained excitement way. Whatever he has managed to learn in the past week of training with his dad is probably pretty fricken awesome.

As we take a few more turns we start walking down a very familiar hallway and my lips quirk a little as I notice the tire marks that even the combined forces of Mom and Yamamoto-san hadn’t been able to get off the floors the sliding paper door at the end of the hallway is still patched up with a patchwork of colourful tissue papers that have faded over the years.

...

What the hell else where two idiot kids with a wheelchair and a long ass hallway going to do other than race around through it?

Seriously, Takeshi had been one of only four good things that I had back then. And meeting him when I did had made a very unbearable situation a little easier to handle.

I grab his hand in mine and I squeeze it a little as we pass the hallway of immortalized childhood memories. Faded scribbles low down on the walls. Pictures drawn in permanent markers that Yamamoto-san had started to wash away, but had stopped.

Takeshi had told me once that he had caught his dad sitting there one night with a bottle of sake and smiling.

He follows my gaze down the hall and squeezes my hand back. We stand there quietly for a moment and just take in the nostalgia. And then Takeshi readjusts his grip so now he’s holding onto my wrist instead.

“So I was thinking,” he starts conversationally as he raises my wrist up.

I quirk an eyebrow at him, “That sounds dangerous.”

“Meanie,” He laughs in mock hurt, and then he wiggles my hand around a bit and he grins in an extremely worrying way.

“What?” I ask cautiously.

“I hate that that guy hurt you, and I’m going to stab him for that one day don’t worry,” He says with absolutely no remorse.

“Good to know,” I say flatly.

“Yup, but I was also just thinking, it’s a good thing that he didn’t wreck your right arm.”

“... Why?” I ask with extreme suspicion.

“You know, it would have make ‘things’ difficult for you.”

I narrow my eyes at him and he blinks back at me innocently.

“Like school work, and eating and-“ His smile is widening.

“Takeshi, I swear to god if you are about to make a joke about jerking off I’m going to kick your ass.”

He starts laughing uproariously as we continue walking down the hall to the dojo.

* * *

* * *

Takeshi is a natural with the sword.

He’s using a Bokken right now because his dad said no bladed weapons indoors until he has a better feel for what he’s doing.

He seems to have a pretty good feel for it already if you ask me.

In a crashing of bells and a ripple of icy blue fire he decapitates the practice dummies that his dad has set up.

“Holy shit dude!”

There is a new ferocity to his grin now.

“Dad calls it Shigure Soen Ryu. That was only the first form... He says it will change the more I develop it on my own.”

He walks back over to the wall and puts the Bokken away, “Apparently, I’ll have to go fight other swordsmen so I can evolve it.”

And this is super cool.

Takeshi has a badass new sword-style...

“Is your sword style a Pokémon?”

He trips over his own feet and starts laughing so hard that he almost chokes on his own saliva.

The smile on my own face grows even larger, “Finding Pokémon might even be easier actually. Where are you supposed to go to find other master swordsmen in this day and age. It’s not like there’s roaming herds of samurai around in this day and age.”

“Inari ~” He manages to gasp my name out through the giggles.

“So you’re just going to be walking around Namimori looking for another swordsman? See a businessman-woman-person on their way home from work had a long day at the office, but whats this! They have a broadsword strapped across their backs like this is a final fantasy game or some shit.”

“Inari~ Stop~ I can’t breathe~”

* * *

* * *

_BRRIIING... BRRIIING...._

_BRRIIING... BRRIIING..._

_BRRIIING_...

“ **This is Dino. Leave a message and I’ll get back to you as soon as I can..**.”

**BEEEEP**...

“.... I just wanted to say .... for what it’s worth, I’m sorry it had to be this way.”

**CLICK**

* * *

* * *

_BRRIII_ -

“ **WHAT!**?”

“Jesus, Lal, calm down. It’s me.”

“.... **Colonello**?”

“I’m busy right now I don’t really have time to chat right now-“

_**BOOOOOM** _

“ **What was- Was that CANNON FIRE!?** ”

“Yeah, your not the only one who’s busy right now!”

“ **Colonello! What’s happening there!?”**

“Oh I don’t know. The break down of alliances. Faction warfare. COMPLETE FUCKING ANACHY! What the hell is going on over there Lal? Why hasn’t the ninth said anything?!”

“ _..._ **I can’t** -“

_**BOOOOOOM** _

**BEEP... BEEP... BEEP..**.

* * *

* * *

So... School...

School is a thing that is happening again.

I’m not against school. Education is cool, yay education~

School though...

The trouble with returning to school after months of high intensity hijinks and and near death experiences, is just that. You can’t really compare sitting in a classroom for eight hours a day listening to some dick read out of a textbook to running around a mountain at the height of a heatwave. Or fighting hoards of crystal monsters.

It is especially hard to get back into school now considering....

I... remember a lot of this now.

And I don’t mean ‘plot wise’ I mean I remember eight grade science. I remember twelfth grade math. I remember ... quite a bit beyond that ....

It’s weird.

But it also means that sitting in a classroom listening to som dick blather on from a textbook that I am perfectly capable of reading on my own just got even more boring than before.

It’s probably obvious by now but I don’t sit still at the best of times. And that was before middle school education became literally redundant.

So now I’m just kind of evaluating the state of our education system, and let me say... I’m not impressed.

I’m particularly unimpressed with the way that OUR TEACHERS have just defaulted back to calling Tsuna ‘Dame-Tsuna’ and belittling him every time he tries to ask a question in class.

He had only tried that back on the first day. He doesn’t even bother anymore. If he has a question he’ll just make a little note and ask Reborn about it later.

Because here’s an interesting fact; Mafia bullshit aside, Reborn is a really good teacher. And he actually ENJOYS what he does.

And he’s actually really good at teaching Tsuna in particular. Mostly because he isn’t just repeating the textbook at him.

School has always been difficult for Tsuna. In part because of the seal I think. In retrospect I’m pretty sure it was the seal that made it so absurdly difficult for him to concentrate and retain information. The only way he ever managed to learn anything is if it was broken down and repeated so many times that it became almost like muscle memory.

But no teacher has ever done that for him.

Now that I have a chance to look back on Reborn’s teaching methods with a little more clarity I can see how much effort he put into making a curriculum that would actually benefit Tsuna.

The repetitive (spartan according to Tsuna) drills combined with high stakes punishment threats where enough to get Tsuna’s flames to come out, ignite his WILL to fucking learn and then those very important building blocks were drilled into his head so many times that they became like muscle memory.

...

Tsuna just passed the first math quiz we’ve had since we got back. Sixty percent on long answer questions. It is the highest grade that he has ever gotten on a math test.

He’s tearing up as he looks at it.

“Way to fucking go Bro-Bro!” I cheer as our group gathers in the hallway and heads off for lunch break.

“You did great Tsuna-sama!” Hayato adds in, a little teary eyed himself.

Hayato has done enough study sessions with Tsuna at this point that he probably deserves a little bit of the credit too.

“So where are we eating today?” Takeshi asks.

“Roof?” Tsuna proposes.

“Sounds like a plan,” Takeshi smiles and loops an arm around Tsuna’s shoulders, “Haya-kun why don’t you and Inari go steal our spot and me and Tsuna will go get the food?”

The tick of irritation immediately forms on Hayato’s forehead, “How many times have I told you not- “

“SURE FINE COOL SEE YOU GUYS THERE,” I cut in loudly, and loop my arm through Hayato’s and start dragging him to the roof access staircase.

If I read that right, I’m pretty sure that was Takeshi’s way of saying, ‘Keep Hayato distracted while me and Tsuna talk about party planning shit.’

He bitches and complains all the way up to the roof. Which actually works out well for us because he manages to scare away the first years, that were setting up camp in our spot, away without even noticing. Now that is a useful talent.

Not that Reborn wouldn’t have eventually scared them off anyway. I know he’s up here. I can feel it.

“So how are you liking being back at school?” I ask conversationally, once he starts to cool down.

He snorts and glowers at me, “Fucking useless shit box.”

“Yeah, you got that right,” I sigh and lean up agains the wall, “Is it just me or is it really fucking weird to be back at school after all the-“

“Yes,” He hisses, not even letting me finish the sentence, “It’s always fucking weird trying to put up with mundane bullshit after you’ve been shot up, beat to shit, or see some really fucked up shit.”

“... you’ve got a lot of experience with this sort of shit then?”

Hayato doesn’t say anything immediately. He takes out his pack of nicotine gum and pops three of them out of their packaging and then jams them all into his mouth and starts chewing aggressively.

“This time last year the loathsome piece of shit that I was working for ran afoul with the Sicilian Alliance. I’m not going to go into the details because you’re a god damn crybaby and I don’t want you blubbering all over me-“

“OI!”

“You are, don’t even try to deny it. Anyway the point is the Overseers were called in to clean house.”

“Overseers? You mean like the fucker who Kyoko punted through a wall?”

“That guy was a fucking bitch compared to the Red Cardinals. They come close to the Vindice when it comes to mortal terror.”

Á̶̧̨̛͎̪͚̪̪̫̬͇̫͜͝ ̴̥͎͎̳̗̻͖̮̣̊͋̇̚v̴̲̊̓͒͝ô̷̢̟̙̣͍̦͙̪̣͇̓͝i̵̧̯̘͙̲̼͔̹̫̋́͋͠d̷̢͓̅͛̒̾̽̾͐̀̍̽̀̓͛͂͠ ̶̖̩̤̘̮͑á̴͔̺̤̼̲̞̗͙̭̱͛ͅ ̶͕͇̼̞̼͈̠̠͉̞̓́̑́́̅̃̀̑͜ͅh̸͚̺͉͔͖̰̠̭̅͑͜ǫ̸̱͚̞̹̘̻̬̮͕͚͉̊͗̐͗̃̓́͜͝l̴͈͕̯̬͓̼̹̍̿̄͐̚l̵̡̛͇̦͍̥͕̰̗̝̬̹̟̋̐̓͂̊̑̂̇̒̉́̈́͠ŏ̸̼̼͙͓̙͓̲͇̰͌̃͝ẁ̵̛͔̳͒̽͗̂̿͌̕̚̕̕͝͝͠ ̴̧̯̦̲̝̖̞̜̗̫̫̰͚̔v̴̞̝̤͍̺͙̺̯͙̑̈́ͅͅơ̵͙͌̏̆͂̒̑̀̄̌̀͝͝į̸̧̛̗̬͚͖͇͚̪̔̍̿̔͋͆̂̽͐̐̚̚͝͠d̷̗̳̯͚͎̬̫̝͉̘͉͎͉͕̳͛̽̿̋͗̉̽̇̋͘͘͝͝

I am hit with such sickening vertigo that I momentarily black out. If I was standing I think I would have fallen.

I know that name though.

Don’t I?

T̷̜̳͂̈́͌͌h̴̯̭͓̙͊͒̌͝ȩ̷̛͚͙̪͇̱̄͋y̷͈̯̥̏ ̶̞̮̌͊a̷̞̮͐͛r̸̢̢̭̜̥͂͒̐͒̊̿e̴̻̙̒͘ ̴͍̈́̆͋͊̕n̴̓́͝ͅo̶͎̜͐́̚ ̷̧̹̮̌̚̚l̴͉̥̜̦͉̅͊̓͂̓ö̷̹̭́̐̋̽̕ṅ̶̲͇͌̊̅͠g̸̱̔͛̀e̶̪̳͎͐ȑ̶̨̩̿ ̸͈͔̖̳͎͓̽̐̂ō̵͓̦̮͂̽͊̇͘ͅḟ̵̼̠̻̥̳͈ ̴̙̍͊ț̶̲͍̓̑̾h̶̥̼͕̓̋i̸͓̞̋͊s̵̠̬̘͍̜̐́ͅ ̵͍̩̒̅͒ṕ̴̖̝̮̍̇̚͠l̷̥̊̐̍́̒á̴͙̺c̵̦͖̳̙͍̿̎̉͘̚͝ȅ̶̟̲̟̎́͘

“Vindice?” The word falls out of my mouth like a brick and an enormous pressure crushes down inside my head.

“I always forget that you and Tsuna-same are actually civilians and don’t know this shit.”

“And you know much more than I though you did, Hayato,” Reborn says placidly as he drops the camouflage and sits himself down next to me. “I didn’t realize that you knew about the Vindice.”

“Nothing really,” Hayato says, “Just the usual rumours”

“Hn.”

Bandages.

Chains.

T̶̗̻́ĥ̵̢͕̲͑̒̈́͘ě̸̻̂̇̈̐y̸̘̋̓̅͝’̵̡̳͉̪̝͛r̴̳̗͐͂̂͐̑͘e̵̱͓̼̔̋͛́̅͛ ̷͕̲̲͉̂b̵̡̧̧̳̼̽͆̈̑͠o̵̡̥̣̓̀͂ų̸̪͍̖̙͒̎̿̈́̚͠n̸͔̩̪͓͓̾̆̀͘d̵̝̞͚͂͊͗ ̴̬̒̒̍̃̚ţ̶͉̘̗̈͠ͅo̴̯̯͉̝̟̅̕ ̶̨͎͑̾̄̇͂͂ͅt̸͖̼̫͇̟̾͗̂̒̉h̶̢̝̲̲̘̀̾̒̃̏̀ē̵̻͗ ̴͖͓̪̠͇́̽̎̉E̷̮̱̍͠a̴̼̦̥͍̜̖͆͋̎́r̷͇͇̗̼̮̓́͊͜t̸̢̻̞͚̾͋̑͜ḫ̵͍̥͓͒́̑̕ ̸̱̣̆͐͜n̷̙̫͕̲̔̋̏̌̊̐o̷̮͔̱͈̓̃̐͑͗͘w̸̖̘͍̟̒̏͌ ̵̳̱͓͔́̋̎̀́̿ ̵͎̹̖̽

“Who are the Vindice?” I ask, trying to fight past the pounding in my head.

“They enforce mafia law,” Reborn tells me, “They make sure justice is served even amongst criminals.”

That is a strange enough statement for me to stop slamming my head into a metaphysical wall.

“Okay, so Mafia Law is some sort of bullshit oxymoron, right?” I ask, “Because if there actually is a book of mafia law then I am going to need a copy of that shit posthaste.”

Hayato looks extremely uncomfortable all of a sudden, “I don’t think you get what kind of people they are. They run the Vindice Prison. The mobsters that they take there... they say they take them straight to hell.”

I raise an eyebrow at him, and then look at Reborn.

“That seems a touch over dramatic. “

“Don’t take them lightly, Monello,” Reborn warns as Hayato pales.

“Oh, don’t worry... so they enforce ‘mafia law,’whatever that means...”

A very strange, and very terrible idea starts to form in the back of my mind.

And it is terrible. Don’t even say it. You’ll jinx it and then you’ll be sorry, idiot.

“Do you think they have an emergency hotline? Or an email address-“

“Don’t even think about it,” Reborn snaps looking much more harassed than I thought he would.

“Think about what?” I say blandly, “Calling up the criminal law enforcement agency to report an infraction and sicing them on Mukuro and the Island of Misfit Monsters? Would I do a thing like that?”

“The Vindice are dangerous, and if Mukuro and the Estraeno have violated any of the mafias laws, which they most certainly have, you can rest assured that the Vindice already know about it.”

“You don’t want them knowing about you, moron,” Hayato hisses for extra emphasis.

The door to the roof swings open and the sounds of Tsuna and Takeshi talking and laughing are closely followed by Hana and Kyoko’s voices. It sounds like we’re going to have a party up here.

“Yeah, but I haven’t broken any ‘mafia laws,” I sass.

The two of them stare at me.

“... I haven’t, have I?” I look at Reborn beseechingly, “You would tell me if the ‘Drag Me to Hell’ people were out to get me right.”

The corner of his mouth quirks in suppressed humor.

~~Of course he would, dear~~ , Leon says, ... ~~Or we would just steal you away somewhere they couldn’t find you.~~

“Thanks for that.”

* * *

* * *

**BEEP-BEEP-BEE-**

“ **What is it Ken?** ”

“They don’t have the thing.”

“ **The book doesn’t lie Ken, they have it. Keep looking**.”

“Mukuro, me and Kaki-pi have interrogated every single crazy cow person on this stinky farm. THEY. DON’T. HAVE. A. TIME MACHINE.”

“ **Keep. Looking. Ken.** ”

**CLICK**

* * *

* * *

_BRRIIING... BRRIIING._...

_BEEP.... BEEP... BEEP...._

“ **This number is no longer in service... Please hang up and try your call again...** ”

**BEEEEP**....

.....

“... Dame-Dino, Where are you?”

* * *

* * *

I walk in on Reborn having an intense staring contest with his phone. For a moment I think I might get the chance to see him crush another cellphone with his bare hand. But instead he sighs and slides it back into his pocket.

That extreme line of tension is back again. He’s wound so tight right now that I’m pretty sure even the slightest thing might make him snap right now.

So its probably a good thing that Tsuna and the kids went party shopping with Mom.

I casually flop down next to him, projecting as much calm and chill as I am able to, “Didn’t Doll-Face say he had important business, right? He might just be busy...”

I’m trying to be reassuring, but we both know that the state of affairs with the Vongola Alliance means that Dino might have gotten himself caught right in the line of fire. Both literal and metaphorical fire.

He’s fine.

He’s too important to the ‘plot’ to get himself killed. So he’s fine.

“... His phone line has been disconnected,” Reborn says quietly, “And I can’t get a straight answer from anyone at headquarters, none of my informants are picking up, none of Shamal’s informants are picking up.”

He sucks in a deep calming breath.

“I don’t enjoy being kept in the dark.”

Because he is a control freak who likes to micromanage everything. It is actually a rather endearing character trait (coming from an idiot who can’t plan his way out of a wet paper bag and tends to fly by the seat of his pants) but it is really biting him in the ass right now.

“Is there anyone else you could contact over there?” I ask, trying to spark some kind of epiphany. “His dentist? Barber? The fucking local news station? Something?”

Reborn is a very telling quiet at this short list of suggestions.

“You literally called his dentist, didn’t you.”

It’s not a question, just a statement of fact.

He shrugs, “It seemed like a good idea as any.”

“The Cavallone are one of the Vongola’s big three allies. It’s crazy that they would just go radio silent when all this other shit seems to be going on. Somebody has to know SOMETHING...” I pause and make a face, “Have you tried calling my ‘Dad’?”

“The External Advisor is either very busy, or is screening my calls,” Reborn answers shortly.

“Well fuck.”

* * *

* * *

**BEEP - BEEP - BEEP**

“ **You have reached Consulenza Esterna Della Famiglia Please state your name for vocal verification.** ”

“Are you fucking- GINEVRA ROSCO YOU FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT!”

**CLICK**

“ **Hello Ginny, How nice to hear from you again.** ”

“Iemitsu, you TRAITOROUS BASTARD!”

**“I think that’s my line Ginny. Considering the circumstances. After all it’s YOUR boss that as been caught red handed FUCKING THE ENEMY!** ”

“That isn’t true- “

“ **It’s not? Oh my mistake. It must have been another pretty boy blonde that we caught on camera going into the Della Rosa Estate. It mus be another Dino Cavallone’s signature on these documents that I’m holding in my hands. Documents that are deliberately inciting violence within the Vongola Alliance. AND IT MUST BE ANOTHER CAVALLONE SEAL ON THEM!!”**

_**CRASH!** _

“ **You can’t fake WILL Ginny. You know that.** ”

“Look, I know this looks bad. Let me talk to Nono. These still time, Call off your dogs and me explain he’ll understand if you just let me-“

“ **Haha haha~** ”

“What? What’s so funny!?”

“ **Fuck, Gin, who do you think gave the order in the first place? I run CEDEF, do you really think I have any authority over Varia**?”

“THEN GET TIMOTEO ON THE LINE AND STOP FUCKING WITH ME!”

“ **I’m sorry to say that the Old Man isn’t taking any calls right now. He’s a little indisposed at the moment, all this stress isn’t good for his ticker. You understand right?** ”

“Iemitsu please, don’t let them do this to him. Don’t-“

“ **I’m going to hang up Ginny. It was nice knowing you.** ”

“... I know where your children live.”

“ **HA! If you want to try threatening me your going to have to do much MUCH better than that.** ”

“...please...”

“ **Goodbye Gin, If you see your Boss again give him my regards.** ”

**CLICK**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Holidays everyone :)
> 
> Thank you all so much for the comments and kudos. They give me the power to write every week. 
> 
> And as always I love hearing from you so let me know: Questions? Comments? Theories?
> 
> And there is now a Sass and Win Side Story called ‘Despite What You’ve Been Told.’


	24. BEWARE...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Do you remember your dreams?

_“Boss, you have to get out of here,” Romario’s face is close. Burnt and scratched._

_There is a gash in his head and it’s bleeding so much._

_“Are you crazy!? I’m not-“_

_The rest of the sentence is swallowed by the blast and the scream of fury._

_A flash of silver._

_I look down to see blood splatters on stonework, a pulse of pain erupts in my side and-_

* * *

* * *

I wake up gasping for breath and grab at my side. I expect pain and blood for reasons that completely escape me.

There is nothing.

Of course, there’s nothing. **I was sleeping.**

I sit myself up on my knees and look around the room. Still rubbing absently at my side.

“You okay?” Tsuna whispers from across the room, one of his eyes is peeking at me sleepily.

“Yeah,” I whisper back, rubbing the sleep out of my eyes, “I think I had a nightmare.”

He frowns and sits himself up, squinting at me through the dark.

“What about?”

“I think I was stabbed?” It comes out more questioning than I mean it to, “maybe? I don’t really remember.”

“... Did it hurt?”

I stare at him, “No?”

His eyes narrow, “Why did that sound like a question?”

“This isn’t Inception, Bro-Bro,” I tell him flatly, as I swing my legs over the edge of the bed, “If I die in the dream I don’t die for real.”

At least I hope not. I have a hard enough time sleeping without the added paranoia of going too deep or having Freddie Kruger come and murder me.

“Are you getting up? It’s three in the morning~”

Tsuna’s early morning grumpiness is starting to kick in now. The whine kicks in right on cue and he flops back down onto his pillow and pulls the blanket up over his eyes.

“I’m getting up. Feel free to go back to sleep.”

“Do you WANT me to get up?” Is his muffled response.

“Tsu, I am going to go downstairs and make coffee. You hate coffee. Go back to sleep so you’re at least halfway functional in school today.”

“...Kay.”

I pull myself out of bed and stretch. It still weirdly feels like something got jammed into my side. But it’s more of a distant sensation now. Why can’t I be a person who has normal dreams?

Why do I feel like I’m forgetting something important?

**Because your head is a fucking mess and you never take a second to think things through?**

Haha, very funny smartass.

**I thought so.**

I quickly burrow into my soft coat. My shoulder pulls a little uncomfortable when I put my arm through the sleeve, but it’s nothing unmanageable. Reborn’s Sun magic has worked wonders. I don’t even have to wear the sling anymore.

I do have to start doing physiotherapy next week though, which should be fun(?). It’s exercise and I haven’t had a chance to burn off my excess energy since the festival. I am so ready to run around like an idiot again.

The physio gym has a climbing wall and you know that I’m going to be all over that shit as soon as I can.

I will probably start climbing it one-handed just for the hell of it. I have done crazier shit before.

There is a strange tingling sensation in my side and I stop to rub at it absently.

Maybe it’s like phantom-pain, only with a dream sword.

I wonder if this dream thing is a ‘post-traumatic event’ thing.

I wonder if Tsuna has been having any weird dreams lately?

“Tsu?”

“Hmm?”

“Have you had any weird dreams lately?”

He doesn’t answer me.

Did he fall asleep already? That was fast.

“... I had a dream about Mukuro,” he answers finally, “Nothing really happened in it. He was just sitting at a table and talking.”

“What was he saying?” I ask carefully.

“Dunno, don’t care,” he pulls the blanket off his head again and glares at me, “don’t go obsessing about it either. Let the grownups handle it for once.”

I AM the grown-up trying to handle this.

I don’t say this. Because that would be an insane thing to tell my older twin brother.

“Yeah, yeah. Don’t worry I’m not going to be hitchhiking to Italy to declare war on the dark sorcerer.”

“Don’t.”

“Uh-huh,” I say vacantly as I creep out of the bedroom.

* * *

* * *

Reborn is already in the kitchen when I get downstairs.

_\- “Things have been getting a little crazy over here so... any advice at all would be appreciated.”_

_... -_

His cellphone is set out on the table in front of it and he’s just staring at it.

**Again**.

I don’t even know how many times he has played it. I only found out about it last night.

He doesn’t even react when I start-up the coffee maker and set out the novelty mugs. Something bright and funny to offset how fucking tragic this is.

One missed call, and now we can’t even call back because his phone has been disconnected. And we can’t get a straight answer out of anyone about what is going on back in the old country because even when the do answer their phones the stock reply is, ‘sorry busy can’t talk right now.’

It doesn’t take a genius to figure out that Reborn is being deliberately kept in the dark.

Whatever is happening over there HQ does not want him knowing about it.

This is why we can’t leave shit to the ‘adults.’ None of them seem to know what the fuck they’re doing. If they did they wouldn’t be deliberately fucking with the world’s greatest hitman’s head.

The coffee finishes brewing. The machine puts and sputters quietly, but in the vast silence of the kitchen in the predawn hours, it might as well be gunshots.

Reborn still doesn’t react. I’m not sure if he would react even if it was gunshots. He’s the world’s greatest hitman. His weapon of choice is guns. He’s probably desensitized to the sound at this point. No reaction unless there’s an actual danger.

... His side of the song has gone sad, solemn, and lone-

No, nope, we're not doing that. Sorry man, you’re stuck with me now.

No lonely.

Not anymore.

I make a show of setting his coffee down in front of him. The huge eyes of the cat stare back up at him and he blinks back down at it in momentary incomprehension. He must have really been out of it if he didn’t even notice me walking around him for the last five minutes.

“I’m not sure if having a staring contest with your phone is going to make it relinquish the secrets of the universe to you,” I say with gentle amusement, “I mean, it might, but I’m not sure how long that would take. We’re pretty far off from AI right now... I think? Does artificial intelligence exist? I feel like I would know if artificial intelligence existed.”

I start rambling, giving him a chance to adjust to the whole, no longer sitting alone in the dark thing.

It takes him a little longer than I was expecting.

I stop dead mid ramble and stare at him.

“When was the last time you actually slept?”

He takes an aggressive gulp of the piping hot coffee and resolutely does not answer me.

I raise an eyebrow, “That bad, huh?”

“Don’t worry about it,” Reborn says simply as he sets the mug back down in front of him.

“Oh, but I do worry Sunshine, particularly when you start having staring contests with inanimate objects.”

He glares at me. Or, rather, he glares at the double vision version of me that he sees by my left ear.

Yeah, when Reborn is so tired that even his auto-regenerate skill isn’t kicking in I know we have a problem.

Unfortunately, I don’t think I can fix it unless Dino decides to call us to say that he and his boys had to switch their phone plan and they’re all totally fine.

So, I’m going to have to try a different Reborn relaxation tactic.

I sit down next to him and hit the message playback on the phone.

We might as well share the stress.

It takes a second for Dino’s voice to kick in, but as soon as it does Reborn’s posture stiffens, his eyes focus in sharply, and his fingers tighten around the mug.

The violin actually conveys the emotion of panic very well. The melody ramps up so dramatically that even I have trouble keeping pace.

_“Reborn? Hello? Are you there?”_

_..._

_“Is this your answering machine? Can’t you at least say ‘you’ve reached the world's only hitman tutor, please leave a message?”_

_..._

_“It’s Dino...I might be in trouble... somebody stole the ring.”_

_..._

_“I know, I know, I’m a useless idiot and you told me to keep it safe.”_

...

“ _Things have been getting a little crazy over here so... any advice at all would be appreciated.”_

_..._

There’s something... weird about this message.

Something about those long pauses.

It sounds like there’s someone else breathing on another line. Which is all kinds of creepy and unsettling.

That is probably the creepiest way I could have possibly described that. Thank you brain for that wonderful mental image.

**You’re welcome.**

“In retrospect, I probably should have made you decaf, your stress levels are ridiculous,” I tell him with the barest hint of humor.

“You wouldn’t dare,” Reborn says, not taking his eyes off the phone.

“What did he mean about ‘the ring,’” I ask, letting the smile fall off of my face.

Rings were IMPORTANT in this ‘story.’ They were symbols, weapons, conduits used to harness the powers of Dying Will. They had been so important that even the memory static hadn’t been able to block that out.

The Vongola Rings.

**T̴̜̔ř̸͓̖i-̸̞̈ni̴͖̬͝-̴̧̿̓set̴̮̓͋t̵̛̲̤e**

Some things have come back slowly.

Some never left.

That word had come back to me spoken by lips curling in a cruel smile.

“I’m assuming he didn’t mean the ‘one ring to rule them all,” I continue on my own trajectory away from the static. “Unless we are actually in Middle Earth, which I am fairly certain we aren’t. I think I would remember if someone mentioned Mordor in Geography class.”

When it becomes apparent that Reborn isn’t going to be answering me any time soon I just start in on my own ramble. It’s a tried and true way of combating panic attacks. I used to talk to myself all the time back when...

Or well, I used to think at myself all the time.

Though once the talking came back no one could get me to shut up.

It was the only way I could stay sane.

Whether or not I managed to succeed at that goal is open to debate. All things considered, I think I’m doing great.

“It isn’t the One Ring, right? You have to tell me if it is because I think we might have missed our moment to throw it into the molten fires of Mount Doom.”

Reborn slowly looks up and gives me a look of absolute confusion.

“You know,” I continue, ignoring the growing feeling of dread and certainty, “Because the only way to destroy the ring was to throw it into the flames in which it was forged?”

I swear to fucking god, if Lord of the Rings doesn’t exist in this universe I am going to be so upset. I am counting on the works of J.R.R Tolkien to get me through a University dissertation with minimal effort. Well, minimal effort in this lifetime.

I don’t think it counts as plagiarism if I am replicating my own research papers, right?

“One ring to rule them, one ring to find them, One ring to bring them all, and in the darkness bind them,” I recite dramatically hoping to spark some sort of recognition in Reborn’s eyes.

No recognition. I do get some manic intensity though.

Even Leon is looking at me with something approaching reptilian concern.

“What ring?” He asks with false calm.

“That’s my line, Sunshine,” I shoot back at him, “In the message Dino said that he lost the ring. What ring did he lose?”

Reborn continues to stare at me warily for a few more beats before he files away from my ‘dark prophecy’ for later analysis and starts talking again.

“I assume he meant the Cavallone Signet Ring.”

“Signet ring?” I repeat curiously.

Not quite the answer I was anticipating.

“Most of the old and powerful families have one or something like it,” Reborn answers, “It is an easy method of verifying and authorizing documentation. Dame-Dino’s ring displays the crest of his family, but it is also infused with the Will of ten generations of Cavallone Bosses which makes it impossible to forge.”

“And, what, he didn’t have it keyed to his biometrics so he’s the only one able to use it?”

Wasn’t that a thing? The boss ring can only be used by the boss? Or am I drifting off into the realm of Sci-fi again?

“I have no idea where you come up with these things, Monello,” he answers amused. At the very least I managed to make him smile a little.

Small victories.

“So, ring stolen equals very bad because someone out there suddenly has all the authority of the Cavallone family. On paper at least. I assume if Doll-Face would supersede the family ring if he said something in person.”

Reborn is pointedly quiet.

“Are you FUCKING kidding me!?” I exclaim, louder than I should at three in the fucking morning... Me and Reborn have to start having our intense talks at a more normal hour I think. Midday conspiracy theory meetings rather than three am in the kitchen conspiracy meetings.

It would help if Tsuna wasn’t so aggressively opposed to mafia talk. I don’t think he realizes that trouble for the Vongola automatically equals trouble for us now.

“This is why the ring should always stay with the boss. It is their job to protect it and their family.”

Was Doll-Face wearing a ring?

**No, no he wasn’t**.

I know this because I spent a hell of a lot of time staring at pretty Dino and his pretty face and pretty hands. There was no ring there. And the only thing that he had hanging around his neck was a small golden cross.

Well, there is one place that a ring could have been that I hadn’t checked for. But I somehow doubt that that Cavallone symbol of power and authority is a cock ring.

...Unless it is and I was actually on to something with those bondage jokes.

Fucking hell, teenage hormones are fucking with my head, this is in no way the time or place for this mental segue.

“Doll-Face wasn’t wearing any rings,” I power on, banishing the images of sex toys from my mind. I will leave the mystery of Schrödinger’s cock ring for another day. When we know that Dino is fine.

“No,” Reborn sighs (thankfully unaware of my mental tangent), “He wasn’t. And when I asked him where it was he assured me it was being kept in the most secure possible location.”

There is suddenly an overpowering wave of guilt and misery that comes from Reborn that it feels like a gut punch. His expression remains completely neutral and walled off though. There is definitely something more going on here than I know about.

“It was stupid of me to assume that he would have left it anywhere other than in his father’s desk drawer.”

“You sound sure that’s where he left it.”

“Of course it was,” Reborn snorts humourlessly, “I know that dumb kid well. He would always throw it back in there... I was in the process of working with him to get to the point where he would feel more comfortable wearing it when Nono contacted me.”

Ah, that explains the guilt then. He’s a perfectionist, leaving a job undone must have been driving him nuts. And it comes back to bite him in such a fucking terrible way. He had been so pleased when Dino and his boys had turned up for the training montage. I guess I know why now.

Bro-Bro and Doll-Face really have no clue how much their ‘Spartan Tutor’ actually cares about them.

Adorable Goofus's both of them.

“Not really the most important observation at this moment, but isn’t Dino in his twenties? I know he’s a goofball, but he is an adult, right?” As I say this I start sending a calm relaxing beat his way. Steady, low, resonating.

“Sometimes I wonder. Particularly when it appears that a fourteen-year-old civilian is more capable of conducting himself as a mature adult,” he gives me a pointed look as he says this, as he starts to droop.

Which is flattering that he seems to think so highly of my maturity, but probably erroneous considering I just went on a mental tangent about magical cock rings while amid a discussion about the health and wellbeing of his student and the potential outbreak of world war mafia.

Yup, super mature, that’s me.

Also, I have an unfair advantage.

“I don’t think I’m the best benchmark of adolescent maturation models, dude,” I tell him blithely.

I’m not sure how to bring up my whole...thing in casual conversation. Or if I even should. When you actually get down to it, my past life experience amounts to nothing. It has no actual impact on the here and now. The knowledge that I had of this world has mostly already been invalidated other than the broadest of concepts. And while I don’t particularly want to sound like Verde of all people; my past life experience is a very subjective phenomenon applicable to myself. It is not a circumstance that can be replicated under controlled circumstances.

And even if it could the results would have no discernible changes.

A remains A.

Sawada Inari remains Sawada Inari.

Who will be turning physically fourteen in a month, and mentally...

Paradoxically I think I might be older than my old man when everything is added up, which is a strangely gratifying thought.

“Though I can see what you’re getting at,” I continue before Reborn can start to question THAT, “Doll-Face did seem a little sheltered.”

The briefest fond smile flashes across Reborn’s face before returning to grim neutrality. There are the faintest dark rings around his eyes that I gain see now that I’m looking closer at him

“It somehow escaped his notice for nearly seventeen years that his father was a Don.”

“...HOW?”

Reborn shrugs, “The Cavallone historically ran a very lucrative business breeding and selling racehorses. Dame-Dino assumed that was where the money and respect came from.”

“And the dudes with guns?”

“Horse Guards.”

A peel of giggles escapes me, “That’s adorable. No wonder he and Tsuna get along so well. They’re both the same kind of willfully oblivious idiot.”

Reborn finishes the rest of his coffee with a small sleepy smile on his face. He has started drooping more and more as our conversation has gone on.

He needs to sleep.

“He was,” He speaks the words so softly that they are almost swallowed by the ambient noises of the kitchen.

No, we're not going down that road Sunshine.

“Is,” I say poking the back of his hand gently, “The word you are looking for is ‘ **is** ’~”

He doesn’t really react, but there is a hopeful little jump in his melody.

“I have a plan,” I tell him slyly, “Not really my area, but I think it’s a good one. We’re going to get through Hayato’s birthday party and what every random disaster that brings and if we still haven’t heard from Dino or Vongola or any of the assholes over there by then I’ll bust out Me and Tsuna’s passports, we’ll hijack a car and we’ll go sort shit out over there ourselves.”

“Really?” He says wryly.

“Yes, really, but first, and this is really the most important step of all so listen close,” I beckon him closer and make like I’m going to whisper something.

He rolls his eyes but leans forward ever so slightly to appease my dramatics.

I reach out quickly and tap my fingertip on his temple, “ **You have to fucking sleep**.”

His eyes go distant and unfocused and I only have a second to make a mad scramble to catch him before his head cracks against the table.

Well... that worked better than I thought it would.

~~He’s going to be a touch irritated with you, dear~~ , Leon tells me.

“In my defense, I didn’t think the sleep spell would be so effective,” I rebut as I slowly lower Reborn’s head down onto the table so he doesn’t instantly wake up again, “But if he’s not going to take care of himself someone has to, and we're friends now... I think? Right?”

~~You would be the first to claim that title in a very long time.~~

...

...

...

“Okay, yeah, fuck that,” I lean down and grin at Reborn’s sleeping face, “we’re friends now, dude, no take-backs.”

He doesn’t respond, he just keeps sleeping. If I listen closely I can hear the soft slow melody of a metaphysical violin that assures me that he is, in fact, asleep this time. Not just faking me out.

I reach over and pick up his cellphone again and give the message another look.

“He’s listened to this a hundred and thirty-four times,” I announce idly as set it to sleep mode.

Leon is conspicuously quiet at this.

“Out of curiosity when was the last time that he actually slept?”

~~One hundred and forty-seven hours, sixteen minutes and eleven seconds~~ , He answers immediately.

“Not quite the world record, but still not good for you all the same...” I look between Leon and Reborn and think, “I’m going to have to move him, so, how pissed do you think he’ll be if I pick him up?”

There is the weirdest sound that rings through my brain. It sounds nothing like laughter, but at the same time, I know with absolute certainty that Leon is laughing at me.

Damn, that’s weird.

~~Less so with you than anyone else~~ , he says after regaining his composure(?) ~~Though it would be best not to bring it up .... it conflicts with the lie that he has woven himself.~~

I think I owe Reborn a deep dark secret after this. I feel like I have learned too many of his now. We have to keep this even...

Later.

I’ll tell him later.

As carefully as I can I scoop his tiny body off the table. It is bizarre how weightless he is considering how hard he can hit.

I settle on the living room couch as our destination. Even though Leon said it should be cool I think I would be testing the limits of his patience if I was carrying him around in front of Tsuna. And knowing my Goofus brother and his tendency to put his foot in his mouth he would most likely say the worst possible thing at the worst possible moment and they’re slowly growing respect for each other would be set back another hundred million years.

Thankfully, there is still a pile of blankets in the living room from when I took it over as my sickbed. It’s easy enough to throw them out over the couch one-handed and set Reborn down. The poor man is still dead to the world.

We’re going to figure this shit out.

One way or another.

I sit myself out on the floor with my back resting against the couch, and I stare ahead of me into the darkness. My own vision is starting to blur and my eyelids are starting to droop. It’s only four, I still have time before school, I still have-

* * *

* * *

_It’s dark, and the smell is terrible._

_It’s so dark that I can’t see where my feet are, but I hear the crunch with every step._

_My side burns with every step and it’s getting harder and harder to draw in a breath._

_My feet stutter to a halt, but the hand wrapped around my wrist pulls me forward._

_... No stopping._

_I press my hand against my side again and it comes back wet._

_I feel cold. That’s not a good sign._

_“Keep moving.”_

_“Right.”_

_One foot in front of the other. This isn’t that bad. I have been through worse. What else was Reborn’s endurance training for if not to keep going when I have nothing left?_

_I ..._

_He._

_What?_

* * *

* * *

“So I talked to the mom’s,” Hana says as she falls into step with me as me and Tsuna pass through the school gate, “They agreed, so next year you're coming with us to France. Doom Day near-death experience bullshit. We’re going to have a nice relaxing vacation and scope out hotties together on the French Riviera.”

“F-France!?” Tsuna stammers from my other side as he gives Hana a panicked look.

“Morning Hana,” I greet her with a pointed look, “You’re looking nice and tan.”

“Greece was lovely, thank you for asking,”

She slides her arm through mine and glares at him, “It’s rude to listen in on other people's conversations Dame-Tsuna.”

“Hieeee~” he whines, “Sorry ma’am.”

Hana rolls her eyes at him and nudges him in the back of his calf with her foot.

“Kyoko wanted to talk to you, Dame-Tsuna,” She tells him pointedly, “She was waiting with the loud new kid by the home-ec room.”

Tsuna brightens considerably and immediately starts moving toward the building. Stops. Turns. Walks awkwardly back toward the two of us and says, “I’m going to go and-“

“You’re keeping your lady love waiting Bro-Bro.”

He beams and starts skipping off toward the school.

“Honestly, I’m gone for a month and I come back to this nonsense,” Hana grouses as we watch him twirl through the crowds of students on cloud nine.

Bro-Bro is an adorable little love bird. Off to meet the bird of prey that has claimed him as her own. I think the entire student body is still in a state of shock at the revelation that the school idol is happily dating the school dunce.

I don’t think there is any way that they could have misinterpreted the way she dipped him and smooched him on the first day back.

Sasagawa Kyoko: empress of the power move.

“You can go a little easier on him you know,” I say as Hana starts dragging me again.

“Oh, can I?” She snarks, and reaches into her mouth to pull out the flipper teeth, and smiles at me menacingly as she displays the gap where her front teeth used to be before Tsuna kicked them out.

“Can I really?” Without the front teeth in she has a noticeable lisp, but Hana is still super fucking cool no matter what.

And she would always and forever get a pass for calling Tsuna, Dame-Tsuna. Because he had kicked out her front teeth during ballet class. And SHE had had to comfort HIM about that while her mouth had been a bloody mess and he was bawling his eyes out.

I had been busy running through the community center looking for a first aid attendant or a competent adult because the ballet instructor had fallen over in a dead faint at the sight of blood and had concussed herself on the balance bar.

That had been a fun trip to the emergency room.

“I’ll make you a deal, Inari,” She tells me as she sticks the flipper teeth back into her mouth, “If he can ever look me in the eye without flinching like a bitch I will call him Tsuna. I might even call him Tsunayoshi for the fucking hell of it. But until that day comes he is Dame-Tsuna.”

“Harsh, but fair.”

She links her arm back through mine and we set off back toward the school. It doesn’t take her long to notice the extremely sparkly gloves that I’m rocking (and will continue to rock, school dress code be damned).

“While we’re on the topic of accessories,” She says, grabbing my hand and manhandling it to get a better look at the extremely sparkly material, “Why does it look like you raided David Bowie’s dressing room?”

I grin and snap my fingers creating a small ring of electrically charged sparkles for her to observe and be amazed by, “They’re maaaaagggiccc~” I drag out the word and wiggle my fingers making the glitter nightmare dance for her.

They’re going to have Hibari on your ass for a dress code violation,” she shoots back, but she’s still impressed.

“The fucking Cave Troll can kiss my ass,” I sass.

“I’m sure you would like that,” she grins as she delivers the killing blow.

My face heats up sooooo much and I half double over in a giggle fit.

“I missed you, Hana.”

“Of course you did.”

I snap my fingers again and summon the glitter back to the glove before some unsuspecting normie sees me commanding the unstoppable force of glitter.

“... I did you, idiots, a favor by the way,” she says as we turn a corner and she pulls me into an empty classroom.

“What do you mean?”

“Since none of you seemed to know anything about the woman who is allegedly trying to kill you two, I did some digging on her on the Vongola to incase you were wondering. There are some wonderful archives in Greece.”

I stare dumbly as she hands three beige folders to me.

“What?”

“Records of the Vongola Winery and Vineyards located in scenic Tuscany. Though apparently, they have locations across Italy. There isn’t much about the Mafia stuff available in public records, but if you look between the lines you can see it. Business raids and arrest records. There is an interesting bit in there about how the family helped the Allies during the Second World War.”

“...Winery?”

“That’s the part that stuck out to you?” She asks, “I do expect some wine once Dame-Tsuna takes over the family business by the way.”

“You and me both,” I mumble as I flip through the folder and then open the next one.

A familiar face looks up at me.

**Cassandra**.

I haven’t really thought about her much since Doom Day. Not since Mukuro basically told me he was mind fucking her.

It’s so weird that our lives are so closely tied to this person that we never met. This person who I swear was never once mentioned in the original story. I wonder if she had died then... before Mukuro or the Estraeno could have gotten their hands on her and everything went to shit.

“That one is more interesting,” Hana says, “Apparently Federico Ferrino and Cassandra tried to take the business legitimate. He was basically running the Winemaking business, but the family head, Timoteo I think his name was refused to sign off on the paperwork that would make it official. So they were suing them for control of the business.”

The bell rings, but neither of us moves.

“The case was thrown out after he died, and since they weren’t married yet Cassandra couldn’t continue to try and seize control of the company in his name. She tried through. Right up until her own ‘accident.’”

She plucks the last folder out of my hand and opens it to show me a photograph of a beautiful fucking castle. I’m going to infer from context clues that this is Vongola headquarters.

“Holy fuck Hana,” I breathe, “Have you considered a future as a fucking information broker?! This is fucking amazing!”

She scoffs, “You better have a better position for me in your crime family than information broker, Inari.”

“I’m sure we can find something that better suits your many talents Kurokawa-san,” I tell her seriously as I take the offered folders and slide them carefully into my own bag. I love how Hana always has answers to questions that I never even think to ask.

The whole, what the fuck does the Vongola actually do? Has been bothering me since day one, but things have always been so crazy that I never even thought to ask.

Wine, huh?

I wonder if that means that the old man has an actual real job other than External Advisor. He must right?

I have so many questions, paramount of which right now-

“You're coming to Hayato’s party this weekend, right? Did Kyoko tell you we’re having a surprise party for him at Take Sushi?”

“You always have your priorities sorted out, don’t you? Wine and parties, I can’t wait until we’re fucking legal and can get out of this hellscape town.”

* * *

* * *

“You’re a menace,” Reborn tells me after dinner has ended and Tsuna and the guys are working hard on their homework.

It’s English homework and I have been instructed not to help them under any circumstances. So I just get to watch and laugh as they try and fail to translate American tongue twisters. They actually managed to answer the first question correctly, but they refuse to commit because they refuse to believe that the answer to the question is:

“How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? He would chuck, he would, as much as he could, and chuck as much wood. As a woodchuck would if a woodchuck could chuck wood.”

“Did you have a nice nap?” I ask him with a cheeky grin plastered across my face. “Feeling any better?”

He stares back expressionlessly before he sighs, “I do actually,” he finally admits, ”I suppose I should thank you for that.”

“At this point, I think I owe you some good shit, dude,” I tell him honestly, “What with all the time and effort that you’ve put into fixing me up.”

A strange look passes across his face. I would almost say he looks... awkward? “You really have no idea, do you?”

“Huh?”

“Never mind,” he smirks and adjusts his fedora.

“Yeah, sure, we can save it for when you regale me with the wonderful story about how Tsuna is inheriting a Winery~”

He blinks, “How-“

“Hana, apparently we sparked her curiosity and she went on a research bender while she was on vacation.”

“She has a talent for information gathering,” He sighs, “I was saving the bits about the legal practices for a later date. Dame-Tsuna would probably try to flee the country if I told him he would be inheriting an actual business.”

“He did have a little bit of a freak out when Doll-Face mentioned paperwork.”

“He still has a long way to go.”

* * *

* * *

_The world is fading in and out of focus. He’s in a dark metal space crammed between crates curled into a tight ball._

_He’s alive though, and that’s something at least._

_He’s doing his best to block out the cold. He can’t do much though. He lost the jacket at some point during the fiasco in Milan. He’s doing his best not to think about Milan at all._

_Not think about **her**._

“ _You stopped breathing again.”_

_“I didn’t.”_

_“...Don’t fucking die on me, idiot.”_

_He’s not going to die._

_This is his fault, his fuck up._

_He has to fix it._

_With his dying will._

_Because nothing less than that is going to cut it._

* * *

* * *

Tsuna takes on the all-important job of guiding the birthday boy to the surprise party. This is in part because he elected himself to this job and in part, because Tsuna is the only person that Hayato would follow anywhere, no questions asked, without kicking up a fuss.

Which gives the rest of us time to hide out in the restaurant.

We actually don’t invite that many people. Mostly because Hayato is generally antagonistic to anyone who isn’t part of our core group… technically he is antagonistic toward the people who are part of our core group

In retrospect, jumping out at a teenager who we all know has some form of post-traumatic stress disorder in a dark room wasn’t the best idea. But it really was so much fun~

“ **HAPPY BIRTH-** “

We get about that far before all hell breaks loose.

In the form of super-condensed flashbangs that go off in explosions of storm flames shimmering with a spectrum of other colors.

“GET BEHIND ME TSUNA-SAMA!”

The capsules hit the ground with a small ‘ting’ sound before they ignite gloriously and everyone is suddenly screaming for an entirely different reason.

“Hayato, calm down it’s just-“

“MY EYES ARE BURNING TO THE EXTREME!!!!” Ryohei exclaims, “WHAT AN EXTREME PARTY!”

“Brother careful you’re going to run into the wall!” Kyoko warns.

I am just laughing my ass off.

Yup, this seems about right for us.

Reborn sighs deeply next to my ear, “Of course, Dame-Tsuna really didn’t think this through.”

I don’t know WHAT he’s talking about this is perfect. 10/10 Neighbourhood Watch Brand Chaos.

“HAYATO-KUN ITS A BIRTHDAY PARTY!” Tsuna manages to shout over the sounds of chaos.

Hayato finally stops throwing shit and gives the rest of us a chance to blink the spots out of our eyes. He stares around the restaurant with this profoundly uncomfortable look on his face and the rest of us stare back at him with various degrees of success.

Ryohei is still running around blind. But Hana has him handled.

“Who’s birthday?” Hayato asks.

And his voice sounds so heartbreakingly small and fragile that I instantly forgive him for the crazy start to this.

“Your birthday, moron,” I call over to him, rely on Reborn to point my attention in the right general direction.

He had busted out sunglasses for himself, but apparently, the rest of us are shit out of luck.

“…My…” Hayato doesn’t even finish the sentence. He’s gotten all choked up and I don’t think he has aclue what to do right now.

It’s Mom that crosses the floor to where the two of them are still standing in the doorway of Take Sushi. She seems completely unaffected by the flash-bangs. I’m going to chalk up - unaffected by light-based attacks to her character stat sheet.

She comes to a stop in front of Hayato and Tsuna and music starts playing in the Restaurant through the little stereo system Yamamoto-san had painstakingly installed a few years ago.

A beautiful melody played on piano keys.

The opening notes to the Rhapsody in Blue.

“Happy Birthday Hayato,” she tells him, and her voice is so soft that I don’t think that anyone else can hear her.

I have her good ears though, so I hear it.

“I’m sorry that it’s taken so many years for me to have a chance to say.”

As the music continues to play and the rest of the party recovers from the impromptu attack, Mom and Tsuna guide a stiff-backed Hayato into the restaurant.

“You alright there Haya-kun?” Takeshi asks his voice light and teasing as he nudges Hayato.

“Who are you calling Haya-kun you ass,” He snaps back. But it lacks the usual heat. His voice is wet and thick with barely restrained emotion.

One of his hands is clutching Tsuna’s arm for dear life.

I don’t even think he realizes that he’s doing it.

The gentle smile on Tsuna’s face tells me that he isn’t going to mention a thing.

_“... Maybe one day our children will be friends too.”_

“You alright there?” I ask him.

“Yeah… It’s just…”

“Just that we’re all a bunch of dumb fucks who didn’t think about how dumb it would be to jump out at you guys in the dark? Yeah, that was pretty fucking stupid of us, but you have to admit it was just the right amount of stupid.”I blather on at him in a distracting way as Yamamoto-san sneaks the beautiful feast that he has created for our bizarre little family onto the tables.

Haru is doing SOMETHING with her magical illusion powers over there to make this go smoothly. Still have no idea if she knows what she’s doing, but indigo rotoscoping is all over everything she is setting out on the table.

Shamal is giving her a pretty serious side-eye too. And not his usual pervy side-eye. It’s serious, ‘there is fuckery going on here but I’m going to let it slide for now,’ side-eye.

I don’t even think he would try it considering he brought MIKI-CHAN ALONG AS HIS PLUS ONE.

APPARENTLY, THAT IS STILL A THING THAT’S HAPPENING.

Good for them I guess. But I still want front row tickets to watch her kick him in the balls if he tries pulling any skeevy shit on her.

“You’re all fucking crazy,” Hayato says, burrowing his face into his free arm, “How did you even know?”

…

Oh, right… I had just pulled this out of thin air, hadn’t I?

“I premonitioned it.” I snark at him, ducking my head out of the way so that Yamamoto-san can put down the final platter of this feast.

“You wha-“ His head bolts up just as the rotoscoping effect fades and he looks around at the lights the food, the pile of presents on a table in the corner and he starts to choke up again.

“Wh-Wh-Wh-“

Takeshi laughs and throws himself into the seat on Hayato’s other side, slinging an arm around his shoulders in a quick one-armed hug.

“It’s amazing, right? Dad went all out on this one. Everything is super fresh and healthy,” He says that last bit pointedly.

I’m confused for about all of a moment. And then I remember Bianchi.

Takeshi is such a fucking sweetheart sometimes.

It’s kind of a roundabout way to say it, but I can tell by the minute relaxation in Hayato’s posture and the gradual stabilization of his melody that he understood and appreciated the gesture.

Don’t worry, no poison cooking here.

“Get off of me baseball-idiot!” He snaps and shoves Takeshi off of him.

“I’m not even on the baseball team anymore, Hayato-kun~”

“That doesn’t make you any less a baseball-idiot!”

Takeshi just laughs at that. Tsuna is giggling too, he hasn’t really been saying much but he has been consistently sending some very soothing jazz beats Hayato’s way since they walked through the door. The two of them have been having their own little duet as we go through the opening phase of the party.

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you what was going on, Hayato,” He says softly as he leans into Hayato’s shoulder. “I didn’t want to ruin the surprise.”

“… Maybe less surprising next time Tsuna-sama?” He answers honestly with none of his usual fanfare.

Tsuna just fucking BEAMS at the honest criticism. The more Hayato forgets to put him on that mob boss pedestal and instead treats him like a regular friend, the happier Tsuna is. 

“I promise never to lead you into a surprise party again!” He vows, “I promise I will stop all future surprise parties!”

“You sound resolved, Dame-Tsuna,” Reborn says slyly, “I’ll have to keep that in mind.”

“What! NO! What are you planning you crazy ba-“

I shove a giant piece of sushi into Bro-Bro’s mouth.

“Dinner time!”

* * *

* * *

Considering how the party started the rest of it goes off pretty damn good.

Dinner is delicious. Yamamoto-san is the best and he really went all out for this. He is also doing this out of the kindness of his heart. No charge. Mom offered to pay and he wouldn’t hear of it.

“Some things are more important than money, Nana, you know that.”

He has always been a really good person though.

… and he makes Mom smile.

When she gives him a smooch on the cheek; me, Tsuna and Takeshi share a wide-eyed look.

All right then… Not really sure where this is going and honestly it's not really any of my business because Mom is an adult and is more than capable of making her own choices.

This one seems a lot better than the ball and chain that she’s tied to though.

But that’s just my opinion.

My brutally honest opinion.

* * *

* * *

Shamal and Miki-chan leave after dinner.

He stops by to give Hayato a quick, “Happy birthday, kid,” and hands him a thick envelope and messes up his hair before he promptly turns into a debilitated drunk and Miki-chan graciously picks him up and carries him out the door.

“See you at the rehab center next week, Inari-chan,” Miki-chan calls back to me as they leave.

“See you!”

“He such a fucking prick,” Hayato grouses as he gives the envelope a soft look.

“He really is,” Tsuna and I agree in stereo.

“What did he get you?” Takeshi asks, excited and curious.

Hayato rolls his eyes at him and opens the envelope….

“That… is a fuck ton of money,” I say when it no one else says a word.

“He’s still a fucking prick.”

* * *

* * *

Mom and Yamamoto-san abscond to the kitchen after presents which leaves the rest of us idiots to amuse ourselves with party games.

Haru schools us all at Nerd trivia. Mostly because I have yet to familiarize myself with the sci-fi fantasy of this universe. I think I need to though. Some of the titles on those cue cards sounded wild. We are going to have to start by binge-watching Star Trek: Orb, because Hayato and Haru both started gushing about that one.

I think Hayato momentarily forgot his animosity toward Haru as he was completely enraptured by her crazy fanfic recitation. Takeshi even got in on that adding in all the ‘oohs’ and ‘ahhh’ in the appropriate places as she detailed an intergalactic love story.

Hana, Kyoko, and Ryohei take over the dartboard and start having an intense competition. Well, Kyoko and Ryokei do, Hana is apparently used to this and is acting as referee.

When the two of them start arm wrestling in to resolve a disagreement about a point me and Tsuna blink at her in askance.

“You should see them when they’re at home. Its jungle law in the Sasagawa household.”

Kyoko slams her brother's hand into the table and lets out a primal cry of victory, “You know the rules big brother, two thousand pushups~ You better get moving.”

“We have weird friends,” Tsuna tells me as we watch our friends (family really).

“We do, but I just realized that you are going to have a crazy meet the parents' situation so I’m kind of stuck on that right now.”

“Hieee~” He whines and presses his hands against his face, “I’ll do it for Kyoko-chan.”

“You’ll do it with me standing behind you with a video camera. I’ll need to memorialize you arm-wrestling Kyoko’s entire family for their approval.”

“You’re terrible,” Tsuna sighs. 

“I’m your brother, it’s my job.”

* * *

* * *

Reborn watches everything from a comfortable position.

He hasn’t really tried to take control of the party or insight any random bouts of chaos (we did that all on our own). For the most part, he seems content to just watch us scream and run around like idiots.

It’s probably a good thing that he does this because Lambo and Futa are a couple of troublemakers together. I think they are playing some sort of imaginary explorers game and Reborn has had to snatch knives and other dangerous implements out of their hands on more than one occasion.

And while I would normally be having a panic attack about the health and safety of small children, I trust that Reborn is not going to let them hurt themselves in any irreparable ways.

Honestly, I’m just happy that the two of them are having fun playing pretend like ordinary kids. No weapons, no magic books, no eldritch abominations living in hammerspace in a five-year-olds hair…

Reborn is teaching them evasive maneuvers right now, isn’t he?

Leon has transformed into a nerf gun and he is shooting lobed volleys at them and instructing them to dodge out of the way.

He really can’t turn off the hitman home tutor thing, can he?

“Widen your stance Cow, you’ll just keep falling on your face if you move like that.”

“REBORN IS A MEANIE!”

And always unappreciated by his students~

“Lambo, if you’re closer to the ground it’s easier to roll. And then you can be like a cannonball,” I call over to him.

“Canon?” He asks, wiping away his sniffles.

“It’s also easier to trip people and make them fall on their faces.”

Reborn gives me a delighted look as he proceeds to shoot at the boys again with the lime green nerf darts and tells them, “You heard your Fratello, try again.”

* * *

* * *

Kyoko, Hana, and Ryohei leave after sundown they all have curfews and they say their goodbyes. They offer to walk Haru home too and she jumps at the chance to make some new friends. She is still an odd, odd girl.

Who is now discussing the finer points of a potential chainsaw based weapon with the other girls as Ryohei follows them out with a dumbstruck look on his face.

I’m sure Kyoko will explain things to him at some point… or she won’t and he will just keep turning up ready for a fight. Ryohei isn’t the kind of guy who asks too many questions.

At this point, it’s just our little core group hanging out watching a movie. Me and Takeshi took the liberty of rolling out the television from the main house and setting it up in the corner and throwing down some pillows and futons. When we went to check on Mom and Yamamoto-san we found them passed out with a bottle of sake and a stack of photo albums laid out around them.

Takeshi chooses the movie.

“Hayato will love this,” He tells me as he pulls the VHS out from the trunk, “He’s really into the crazy alien stuff, isn’t he?”

“Legend of the Star Eaters? What’s it about?”

He blinks at me, “You don’t remember?”

“No… Have we watched this before? It sounds vaguely familiar.”

“We watched it with dad when we were kids. I remember because you cried when we watched it,” He teases me.

“Cried? Wait are you choosing this movie to deliberately fuck with me?!”

He grins and leaves the room, VHS in hand.

“Takeshi!” I call out and race after him.

* * *

* * *

As it turns out ’Legend of the Star Eaters,’ It’s a campy sci-fi horror film from the fifties that seems vaguely familiar. Hayato fucking loves it and Tsuna has half burrowed into the blankets in terror. He has never done well with horror movies, no matter how silly they are.

Takeshi laughs whenever one of the ’scary monsters’ appear on the screen.

I have no idea why I would have cried at this movie.

About an hour into the film I still have no idea, but I can’t deny the growing pit of dread in my stomach as we watch this.

This kids have long since fallen asleep, and Reborn is watching the film in mild curiosity.

And then it gets to the part when people's insides are being ripped out.

S̵̜̃̽̎̂͊͛͠O̷̡̨̨͖̭̭̗̰͚̾̓̈́̄́͜Ḿ̵̟̗͎̻͇̤̲͈̰̫̼̇͒͊͜͝E̷̛̻͓̹̰̦͉̙̾̒̾̑̋̿̌̊͌͌͋̚͝͝Ợ̶̢̡̜̦̣̞̆̏̀̑͋N̴̢͇͚̱͚̉̌͐͑̆͘͜͠͝͝Ȩ̶̘͕̪̜͔͇̭͒̐̉̿̔̀̃̽̐̉̃̕͜ͅ ̷͉̘̯́̋̇͑̇̓̋̎̌̾̚̚͝T̶̗̼̯̲͎͔͂̇͆̆O̵̧̡̲͖̞̺̬̪̼͙̙͑̈́̈́̔͑͒̇̋͘͝ͅR̴̳̼͉̘̪̳̉̃͊̾̕̕̕E̴̢̬͔̼̹̊͝ ̴͙̯̪̺̰̥̓̏̌̇͊̅͑̀́̓̌̚̕̕͝Y̵̛̮̹̭̆͐̍̈́̌̋͐̎͑O̷̦̳͇͇̺͕̩̪͈̣̳͛̍̌̏͋͑̐̀́͊̊͌̀U̷̡̨̹̫̖̯̯̦͚͊̈́̿̈́̈́̒͗͆̈́̓R̵̡̘̫͊͆̀̐̓̃̏̇͌̇̾͝͠ ̵̛̩̑̌̃Ǐ̶̡̓̀̎͛̿͛N̵̡͚̉S̷̛̘̲̿̓̄̀̎̾̽͆̀̇̿̐͝I̵̡͈̲̘͉̻͖͙̠̤͔͊̓͆̿͗̀̑̓͗͒͑ͅḌ̸̖̙͍̻̂͒̓͜Ȩ̵̨̭̼̲̼̤̲̠͚͉̹̹̂̂̆̀̏͌̇ͅŚ̷̗̮̙̰̬̩̫̥̥̼̯̤̓̒͌̂̓̋̋̽̇͠͝ ̵̧̛͎̓̐̋͛̂̐̐́͑̕Ǒ̵̬̹̞͕̟͂͑̃͛͐͗̚͝Ǜ̶͙̍̋͊͗͂͠Ț̸̡̛̛̲͓̦̫̹̼̯̙̙̍̍̔̒́́͘͘͝

And it looks totally fake.

H̴̛͓͍͈̞̱͎̓́͑́̀̍͂͗̈̅͗͘͜͝͝E̵̼̒̃͐ ̶̳̭͖̈̂̂̆͂̚͝Ŗ̶̛̰̲̠͙̺̰͂̊͊̇̋̍̅́̄̄̚͝Ĕ̸͉̼͔͈̼̜̩̱̮͍͖͍̀̅̅͊̎̕̚A̵̧͕̦͚̕C̶̨̬̭͇͚̯̩͙̞̖̭̰̰͖̦͐͑̏̎̏̒̑͐̌͋͘͘Ḧ̴̛͚̲̼̫̹͇͍̼͎̲̭͓̑̿̓̅̂͌̓̏͠͝Ḝ̵̢̙͓̖̪̠͖͍̥̮̳̬̪̪́͑́͊̏̓̂̄͗̔͑̓D̷̡̝̗͔̤̃̀͐̿͝ ̶̡̛̘̠̖̣̲͚̫̫̟̝̟̿͛͐̿̓̀̌͂́̀̀͘ͅŖ̷̢̥͇̘̮̭̯̤̫̙̰̖͔̦̊̓͋̽͋̔̈̏͐I̵̛̛̬̬͉͔̠̗̲͎̗̭̊̔̀͗̐Ģ̷͙̖͙͔̼̞̱̜͕͎̈́̏̃͂̋̽͋̕͝ͅH̵͈͇̮͕̯͌͜T̶̛̜̞̫͍̟͍͒̾̈̀̅̍͌̍͗͑̏͛͜͝ͅ ̷̼͎̹̀̎̅̂̋̀̇͊́͛͒̕I̶̡̧̲̦̦͉̭͕͍͕̬̩͓̰̅̑̎̀͌̐̆̄͌͜͝N̶̨̙̖̻̩͓̟̳̩͍͔̯̓̈́͂͊̀͐̀͆̔̉̓͘̕͘

It’s crappy special effects from the nineteen fifties nothing special or believable.

Á̸̝̰N̵͌͜D̴͉̖́ ̴̼͆́Y̸̮̪̋Ō̴͈Ŭ̷͉̦͛ ̶̠͈͠C̸̥̗̒O̵̮̿̃U̷͙̹̅L̸̪̋D̶͍̠̄̕N̵̻͕̉̚’̸̜̪͌T̵̼̔͠ ̴̳́͜Ḙ̶̡͛V̶̫̹̈E̴̖͖̓N̴̖͆̚ ̷̭̝̓͆S̶̪̍͛C̴͕̪͛Ř̷͍̲̓Ę̵̺̃A̷̡͝M̷͚̲̍̈

But it still elicits such a visceral NO feeling in me that I stand up and start pacing around the empty restaurant. None of them really pay me any mind. It is a well-established fact that I can’t sit through a movie without pacing or twitching or talking.

Really this is nothing out of the ordinary.

**KNOCK - KNOCK - KNOCK**

What is out of the ordinary is the insistent knocking at the door.

**KNOCK -KNOCK - KNOCK**

I guess someone saw the lights on inside and thought that the restaurant is open?

**KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK**

“I’ll tell them that we’re closed,” I whisper to Takeshi who nods at me from within his cozy blanket roll.

I unlock the door and as I go to open it I have a dizzying moment where my vision splits and suddenly I’m looking at the welcome mat outside. I shake it off that’s weird. Even for me that’s weird. I crack open the door intent on telling whoever is fucking banging to knock it the fuck off. Seriously, it’s after midnight the restaurant is never open this la-

“ **VOOOIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!!!!!** ”

And I immediately slam the door in Superbia Squalo’s face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Of Sharks.
> 
> The rest of that sentence is Beware of Sharks :)
> 
> And as always I love hearing from you so let me know: Questions? Comments? Theories?
> 
> Happy New Year Everyone :)


	25. Goodbye Wall

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

“Inari?” Takeshi calls out from his blanket burrito, “Who’s at the door?”

Death. Death is at the door.

**If death was a loud Sephiroth knock-off maybe.**

As it stands, death has appeared before me in the form of the leather clad acting commander of Vongola’s Super Killer Hit Squad (also known as FUCKING VARIA). He’s standing right THERE. Outside the the door. This very thin piece of wood that me and Takeshi once crashed through while performing a physics experiment (ie: if you launch a wheelchair at a door will it break? The answer is yes... on both accounts).

WITH A FUCKING SWORD.

A very sharp, pointy sword that is literally attached to his arm.

“What the fuck do you think you’re doing you shitty brat!?” Is his somewhat muffled exclamation as he attempts to yank the door back open.

I hold is shut at forcefully as possible, and I feel the handle strain between the two of us.

FUUUUUUUUCK

“Inari?” Tsuna calls, when I fail to answer Takeshi.

I open an close my mouth a couple of times trying to say SOMETHING that will convey the extreme level of fucked that we are right now. But absolutely no sound comes out. I am just standing here in a blind, mute panic.

Why is he HERE?!

Why is HE here?!

Right THERE on the other side of this ephemeral piece of wood that in no way will protect my fragile fleshy body from being stabbed by a sword wielding maniac. I mean, I’m not a scientist at the moment, but I’m pretty sure that metal is more powerful than wood. At least according to video game rules it is.

If it wasn’t there would be no point trying to get the Master Sword in Zelda, you could just beat the whole damn thing with a shitty wooden sword.

“Is everything okay?” Tsuna asks again, over the comical screams of the actors on screen.

“VOIIIIII!” Screams Squalo on the other side of the door.

How can they not hear him? He is so fucking LOUD. He is the loudest person that I have ever heard in my life!

The door shakes aggressively again, but I hold it shut.

It bangs inward as he kicks it.

I know he kicks it because the blinds that cover the small window in the door don’t close properly because Takeshi threw a baseball through the window back in January. So I can see him there glaring at me and he can also see me.

**This is so fucking stupid.**

I should move. I should move right fucking now. I am well within stabbing distance right now, and, you know, I have already greatly exceeded my grievous injury quota for the year.

“VOIIIIII! Do you have any idea who your fucking with, brat!?”

I do, I really, really, really do.

I also don’t appreciate being called brat by anyone who isn’t Reborn.

Don’t fuck with my affectionate nickname association Squalo.

The door bangs inward again, and this time it partly it partly comes loose from the frame.

A cold sweat has broken out on the back of my neck as I resolutely do not move from my spot. It is imperative that I do not move.

I am one hundred percent going to get stabbed.

Words. I need words to speak. I need to speak words right now. I have never in my life been so bereft of words. It’s just that Squalo shouldn’t BE HERE right now. And I know that we threw the plot out the window a few traumatic events ago, but I still feel like he has shown up outside of the normal order of operations.

STAY IN YOUR OWN FUCKING ARC ASSHOLE!

The door bangs inward again.

**Oh my god, move. Just fucking move before you definitively prove to everyone that you are, in fact, a stoned lemming.**

An adorable, charming, stoned lemming.

**... You are an actual crazy person. I don’t remember being this much of a crazy person.**

Fuck off Me, I don’t have time to deal with the space-time paradox that is going on in my brain right now.

**And this is such a stupid thing that you are doing right now. You don’t even know. And I did it too~ Oh my god, I owe him, like, a second honeymoon or something for all the anxiety that my stupidity has caused over the years.**

... We will revisit that point at a less stressful time.

“What the hell are you doing over there, idiot?” Hayato snaps.

I am obviously playing a bizarre game of chicken with Superbia Squalo. Who for reasons that completely escape my mortal understanding is trying to break into Takeshi’s dad’s sushi restaurant.

He is most likely here to murder us all, considering our luck with assassins. Though I can’t for the life of me think of a reason why he would be busting down the door of Take Sushi. Unless he’s not here for mafia reasons and instead he’s here for Sword Emperor reasons and has come to challenge Takeshi and or his Dad for sword supremacy.

Hey Takeshi, that wandering sword master that I foretold is here to help your sword evolve.

Maybe he even brought a moonstone with him.

“Oi Dumbass!?” Hayato is starting to sound a little more freaked out, “What the hell?!”

I’m going to have to tether myself to one of them at all times aren’t I? There is no other way around this. Everytime I so much as walk ten feet on my own I get ambushed.

**Your existence skews the laws of probability in weird ways. Don’t worry, its fixable... eventually**.

...I am going to murder you. You fucking tolling tease.

OI TSUNA! IDIOTS! LETS NOT DO A REPEAT OF DOOM DAY! GET THE FUCK OUT HERE BEFORE I DIE!!

What the fuck are you assholes doing!? CAN’T YOU HEAR THE MANIAC TRYING TO BREAK DOWN THE DOOR?!

Reborn, Reborn help now please. I am too freaked out to scream and I am absolutely going to get stabbed right now.

And yet your not nearly as freaked out about that as you should be. You know, there’s a saying; ‘curiosity killed the cat.’

“Monello?” Reborn asks, appearing at the end of the entry way hall.

As if summoned by my mortal peril and psychic plea.

It takes him all of a second to appraise the situation and then he is at my side in an instant. Though to be fair, there isn’t really anyway to misinterpret the attempted break and enter that is currently in progress here.

Reborn hops up onto my shoulder and braces himself as Leon transforms into handgun form. There is a little more weight and density to him suddenly. A solid and reassuring presence that has me feeling much more grounded than I was a moment ago.

I hitch my panicked drumbeat to his confident melody. The practiced ease of a combat professional. And my heartbeat finally starts to stabilize.

“Shark,” I finally manage to spit out, “Shark, shark, shark!”

Which is probably a reference that only I understand, but I’m fairly sure that Reborn is an intelligent enough man to know that there isn’t a bipedal land shark trying to bust down the door right now.

He peaks through the break in the blinds and goes rigid. And I catch a light out of the corner of my eye. Darker and more intense than it usually is with a heavy thrum of power that corresponds to the frequency that’s pulsing through my nervous system.

The centres of his eyes ignite with kernels of bright golden light. Right before his small hand grabs the back of my collar and hurls me down the hallway and sends me skidding to the wall at the end using nothing more than his own strength and nothing else.

God damn, that is cool~

“Inari!?” Tsuna yelps, as we are suddenly in view of each other.

Sky flames burst on his forehead as he grabs his bo staff from the umbrella holder in the corner and rushes to my side. Takeshi and Hayato following close behind him.

“Snap to it, Dame-Tsuna,” Reborn orders, as the door flys off its hinges sailing over his head and narrowly missing me.

“Hieee! What the heck!?” Tsuna screeches.

The boys make their own sounds of panic and surprise which turns in to a cacophony when overlaid with off key notes that crash together into something that I’m going to title: “RUSHING TO BATTLE STATIONS.”

However, all of the sounds both real and metaphysical are quickly drowned out by the fucking human foghorn that stands in the threshold of this most reputable establishment and screams:

“VOIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Loud.

So. Fucking. Loud.

My ears are ringing.

“WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE YOU LITTLE PIECE OF SHIT!!?” He roars at me, apparently too pissed off to notice that Reborn has his handgun fixed on his head.

The shot rings out.

And somehow I think the gunshot is actually quieter than Squalo is.

Before the screaming lunatic can even blink a clump of his long silver hair falls to the ground and a thin trail of blood runs down the side of his face.

As a long menacing shadow accented in gold grows across the grown and up the wall behind me.

“Not again,” Tsuna says, teetering somewhere between rage and dismay.

I’m not exactly sure what he means by again. Nor do I have the requisite brain power to figure it out at the moment. All available processors are fighting against the tide of static with the realization that... holy shit... Reborn had been tall.

“I think that’s my question Squalo,” Reborn says, his finger resting gingerly on the trigger, “What is Varia doing in Namimori.”

Tsuna and Takeshi take advantage of Reborn’s badassery and haul me back up to my feet.

Hayato ‘eeps’ a bit when he hears the word ‘Varia’ spoken.

I don’t blame him.

I feel like eeping myself.

“Did someone finally let you off your leash contractor? I thought your policy was non-interference?” Squalo taunts as he pulls into a battle ready stance.

“I find that my patience has been running extremely thin these days,” Reborn speaks, and his voice s overlaid with another voice that I can’t HEAR, but I can FEEL the frequency of, “Answer the question or the next bullet gets lodged in your brain.”

“I’m higher up in Vongola’s food chain than you are tiny,” Squalo speaks, “Do you really want to deal with the shit show your ‘betrayal’ to the family would cause.”

The way he says ‘betrayal’ is layered with sarcasm and venom.

He thinks that it’s bullshit.

**He doesn’t believe what he’s saying.**

...

  
**When the head of your Wetwork department doesn’t like, and/or trust you there are some serious problems in the organization.**

No wonder Mukuro is getting so far with his ‘new management’ company line.

Not that I in anyway agree with that asshole. No matter how fucked things are mass murder, human experimentation and mind control are not the answers.

“I think I’ll live,” Reborn says, as his finger starts to pull back on the trigger, “I can’t say the same for you.”

For a long moment there is silence in the hallway. Everyone is just quietly staring at each other as the cool night air blows into the restaurant. That is going to be a problem.

“I hope your planning on paying for that door,” I chatter, “Namimori has some pretty draconian laws about break and entering property damage. Particularly in Old Town. This is a part of a historic building you know. Having it fixed is an involved process an archivist needs to be consulted.”

“There’s a pillory involved,” Tsuna intones.

“And you never know what might set off one of mother’s traps,” Takeshi continues with an bright and cheerful smile. “Dad thinks we got all the ones that lead to decapitation, but there is always a chance that we missed on or two.”

“See,” I say gesturing emphatically toward Takeshi, who has his bokken slung casually over his shoulder, “Break a door get decapitated.”

“Why do I remember a pillory?” Tsuna asks in growing dismay.

“It’s for the ceremony of grievances,” I remind him, “If the accused refuses to prostrate themselves before the City Council.”

“... Isn’t the prostrate the thing inside-“

Takeshi starts cackling like a fucking hyena.

“No, Bro-Bro, that would be the prostate,” I inform him as straight faced as possible as Takeshi just about falls over laughing. “And if the accused had to present their prostate to the City Council it would be a very different kind of ceremony.”

“Oh... I still don’t understand what the pillory is for.”

“It’s for the fish thing,” Takeshi tells him, still giggling uncontrollably.

“Holy shit I forgot the fish thing,” I send a manic toothy grin Squalo’s way, finding the man frozen in place staring at us. “You don’t want the fish thing. You don’t want to piss off City Council.”

“For they are great and benevolent and protect us from the gaping maw beneath out feet. All hail the City Council in all their glory. All Hail,” The three of us speak in unison in inflectionless voices.

The three outsiders stare at us with various levels of confusion and concern as weapons are slowly lowered. I think we have effectively hijacked the pace of this dangerous encounter.

See, this is why I need my people with me. I’m useless with out them.

“What the fuck are you three on about?” Hayato frets, looking about nine kinds of freaked out. And only like 1/32 of the freaked out is because Superbia Squalo is still standing with a sword in the doorway.

“Don’t worry about it,” It tell him, “You guys get the hang of it eventually.”

At least Reborn and Hayato will. Because they are OURS now. I don’t give a fuck about Squalo he can face the ordeal of fish for all I care.

Reborn’s shoulders are trembling imperceptibly but he continues to hold the handgun fixed on Squalo’s head. Even though he is cracking up on the inside. Honestly, he’s chaotic enough that he’ll fit right in in Namimori.

“Which one of you fucking brats is the so called ‘Decimo,’” Squalo snarls.

I’m just about to fall into my ordained role of life action body double when Tsuna, unprompted steps up. The Sky Flame is burning on his forehead the bo staff is gripped tightly in his hand and is also somewhat on fire.

The spiralling burn scars on his hands are darkening and growing up his wrists.

“Me,” He says in what I am now and forever going to be calling his ‘Boss Voice.’ Because that right there, gave me chills.

The good kind of chills, not the bad kind of chills.

“Fucking finally,” he growls and turns back to the doorway, “I’ve been dragging this prick all over the fucking city looking for you. He wouldn’t shut up about it.”

We collectively watch as he ducks his head out the door.

“He was bitching about finding the you too shortie, but under the circumstances the glorious heir might be a little more useful. That’s what the fucking snot face said at least. Not that the little creep thought it was worth their time to trek around looking for you.”

He reaches round and drags out... a body.

A blond body.

A blond and bloody body that goes splat a little bit when Squalo unceremoniously tosses him into the hallway to land at Reborn’s feet.

“Dino,” Reborn’s voice is barely above a whisper.

Which is fine because Tsuna compensates for the volume by shrieking at the top of his lungs;

“DINO-NIISAN!?”

“Hey Reborn,” Dino rasps, one eye peaking out from the matted disaster of his hair. “I’m back~”

“Don’t talk Dame-Dino,” he speaks softly as he gently moves some of Dino’s hair out of his pretty face...

The way the bloody bandages are packed around his left eye don’t tell a very good story.

Fuck.

Jesus fucking Christ.

He alive... but fuck.

Tsuna bolts to Dino’s side. Sliding on his knees.

“Dino-niisan, what happened? What did this? What-“ His face goes blank and then he looks slowly back up at Squalo his eyes burning.

“What did you DO to him?” He demands.

Squalo bears his teeth and grins at him with malice.

“What your daddy ordered brat.”

He says that, and Tsuna freezes.

Because I had never gotten around to the part where I told Tsuna that Dad is alive. I had meant to... but a bunch of other shit happened and distracted me. Give me a break I was hospitalized twice and nearly died like four times.

“What?” Tsuna’s eyes transition back to brown and he looks up at Squalo with dismay and confusion.

I stroll up to the action a lot slower than Bro-Bro did not taking my eyes off the shark in the room. I stand at Reborn’s side as he does what he can to check over Dino.

He can’t heal him...

It doesn’t work that way with him.

Apparently I’m ‘special.’

... B̵̯͓͍̰̉ę̴̩̙̮̈́c̸̠̦̆̚a̴̭̹͇͐̆͛ȗ̵͉̌s̵̫̘̻̔́͒͝ę̸̘̞̭̽͌ ̸͔͙̰̈́̍̾h̶͍̏̄e̵̿̈͌͜’̶̝͒͑́̕s̶̮̍̔ ̷̨͖̝̭̍ḿ̴͔̏̕y̴̥͊̚͠ ̵̢͚͒̈́͊S̶̥̺̯̰̑̚u̷̼͍̻̒̊̽n̷͙̝̬͘s̸̙̣͊̒͘͜h̸̛͎͉̹̥͂̒̀i̵͈͗̎͆͝n̷̜̓̈́̃̕e̴͓̐͠ͅ.̷͙̼͒̋

Takeshi and Hayato take point in front of us taking defensive stances in front of us sword and explosives ready to go. I don’t know how well that would turn out, but I’m sure that they could take a decent piece out of the screaming shark before he kills us all.

I crouch down slowly next to Reborn who is slowly reaching his rage break point. Probably because of the very obvious stab wound in Dino’s side and the the very obvious culprit that is standing five feet away looking completely unrepentant.

I project calm at him as best that I can. At Tsuna too. Hayato and Takeshi have a better hold on that bag of worms right now because not matter what he is going to be pissed at me for not telling him about Dad.

He is also about to have a serious resurgence of daddy issues.

The most common affliction in the fucking mafia.

“Hey Dollface,” I say as gently as I can, “I thought I told you to beware of sharks.”

He’ll still be unnaturally pretty... even if he does loose the eye. God I hope he didn’t loose the eye.

But I have a bad feeling.

He lets out a watery laugh that sounds more like a sob.

“I thought you meant a real shark,” he says.

“Inari,” Reborn says.

“I think he needs a doctor, right? Call Shamal, because somehow I think the hospital is off the table right now.”

Reborn doesn’t say anything else. He pulls the phone out of his pocket and as soon as there is an answer he starts snapping in rapid Italian. He can better convey threats in his mother tongue.

“As beautiful as this touching reunion is we have more important shit to deal with right now,” Squalo cuts in, looking down at Tsuna in distain.

...Bro-Bro is offline right now. His eyes have gone distant and intense as he continues to ever so gently pat Dino’s back in a soothing way as he whispers reassurances.

“ **And you will fucking sit on that information until were good and ready to talk. So either get our or make yourself useful, your choice.** ”

The screaming assholes attention snaps to me and he stares as his body jerks in an unnatural way. His eyes go vacant.

And then his focus snaps back and he stomps closer.

“VOI, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU JUST TRY BRAT?!”

He’s looming.

He’s threatening.

I don’t care if he saved Dino, because right now he’s not helping.

This isn’t helping.

If he was going to be helpful he wouldn’t have started by calling Vongola Decimo out.

He shouldn’t have started by calling out Dad in front of Tsuna.

I look up.

And I look **IN**.

And-

“ **I̵ ̴ ̷ ̴T̶O̵L̶D̴ ̷ ̵ ̷Y̶O̶U̵ ̸ ̷ ̴T̸O̵ ̴ ̵ ̶L̴E̵A̶V̸E̷”**

I hit a note that shouldn’t be there, couldn’t be there, and **FORCE.** **HIM. DOWN.**

* * *

* * *

It’s weird being on the other side of a medical emergency. 

In some ways the waiting is worse then being the one on the table.

At seven in the morning me, Reborn, Tsuna and Mom are the only ones in the waiting room. Shamal has been working on Dino for about five hours now. Though Mom has fallen back asleep so its really just the three of us.

We had to wake Mom up to drive Dino to the Shamal’s secret underground clinic (which turns out to the basement of the Dream Cream Ice Cream Parlour). She had sobered up amazingly fast once she had seen her children somewhat covered in blood.

Yamamoto-san does not have her constitution and had not sobered up as fast. He was, however, extremely susceptible to the power of suggestion and agreed to give Mom the keys to his van so that she could drive us.

It was also amazingly easy for her to con him into watching Lambo and Futa so they didn’t have to be exposed to blood and gratuitous injury. She did this by giving him a very much not PG13 kiss in front of us, her children, and the friends of her children.

I hadn’t realized that Tsuna inherited his lack of relationship modesty from Mom. And while I realize there are more important things to be obsessing over right now other than my Mama’s newly upgraded relationship status. I do have the right as a child (???) to freak out a little bit when my parent blatantly starts French kissing someone overtop of a bloody injured body.

As soon as we arrived Shamal and Miki-chan (who I will state for the record was dressed up in porn nurse gear and yet still managed to look more professional than Shamal) got Dino prepped and wheeled in for surgery.

Reborn paced relentlessly in the first hour. A cacophony of snapping shrill strings pouring off him. I let him go on with that for about an hour. At which point I sat my ass down on the freezing cold ground grab his hand as he passes by and recite to him the entirety of the Hobbit.

I talk and talk and talk.

Until mom falls asleep.

Until Tsuna curls up in a chair and listens and dozes.

Until Reborn has returned to baseline and re-centres himself.

Until the doors finally swing open to reveal Shamal.

* * *

* * *

  
  


Dino lost the eye.

And a kidney.

Shamal tried. He did I could hear it in his voice as he gave Reborn the rundown.

I also heard the note of devastation that rang through Reborn when he said it.   


And the twist of cold fear as Tsuna realized exactly what was being discussed.

It’s a shitty fucking thing, to lose parts of yourself. To have them taken away from you.

There hadn’t been enough left of his eye to save and his kidney had been ruptured when he had been stabbed by who I’m assuming was Squalo, because who the hell else would have.

And apparently hiding out in the cargo hold of an aircraft hadn’t been the smartest thing that he could have done with a ruptured kidney. He’s lucky that he’s alive and hadn’t died of blood loss, or sepsis or the infection.

Doll-Face had hung on until he made it back to us through sheer force of will. We still don’t know what exactly he came here to tell us, but I figure from context clues that it isn’t anything good.

He’s going to live though. That’s the important thing.

We don’t know what happened to the rest of the Cavallone Boys.

Squalo is still hanging around. Circling like his namesake, but not getting too close to us. He’s been keeping his distance like a good little shark. I think he’s just waiting for Dino to wake up too.

You don’t skip town with someone and drag them across a continent and an ocean just to up and leave before you see resolution.

Reborn rented a hotel room for Dino to recover in. The Dragon’s Lair Hotel and Bathhouse is owned and operated by Hibari’s Uncle. It is a classy establishment that is somewhat infamous for not asking questions.

It is also conveniently located a block and a half away from Shamal’s new illegal surgery.

Doll-Face literally had his kidney removed in back ally surgery. I mean, It was already fucked but there is something ironic about that premise.

...

It’s been three days since his surgery and he still hasn’t woke up.

Reborn hasn’t really left his side.

... in another life I think he would have been a normal teacher. The kind that takes an interest in the lives of their students and really makes a positive impact in their lives.

I wonder, if he had the chance... would he like to be?

Skip a stone in the space-time continuum and see who you end up as.

* * *

* * *

  
  


“You need to take a break,” I tell him pointedly as I wander into the hotel room.

“Shouldn’t you be in class Monello?”

I flash a grin at him.

“I’m playing hooky~” I sing-song as I spin and land (somewhat) gracefully in the chair at Dino’s bedside.

“He’s looking better than he was yesterday,” I observe, ignoring the indignant glare that Reborn is shooting at me. “Has his fever broken?”

“It has, and you should be in class.”

“Meh, this seemed more important.”

“Your education is important you impertinent brat,” he scolds but there really isn’t any heat behind it.

Because he is too exhausted too.

Because once again he has decided that he is too good for sleep.

Or food.

Or coffee.

I can really tell that the no coffee thing is starting to fuck with him. He drank all the hotel room coffee in the first hour of being here and hasn’t left to get more in the three days that he has been sitting here.

Because Reborn is an obsessive, controlling, worry wart. And while that is adorable he really needs to start investing in some proper self-care preferably before he has a complete and total mental breakdown.

Which is why I’m here.

“It’s English class. I’m already good at English. I’m better than the TEACHER at English,” I meet his eyes with a cocky smirk, “I will go as far to say that I am better than YOU at English.”

He stares, somewhat unfocused, at me for a looong moment. I don’t think he’s used to getting called out academically. Or at all in anything, ever.

Reborn is an absolute badass and he is not used to having anyone anywhere near his level to bounce off of.

I think I might actually be part of the reason for his recent stress breakdowns. My existence has severely fucked with his status quo. And I know just from my side of this... relationship (?) that opening up and talking about shit and exposing the little bits of vulnerability is a lot more destabilizing that one would think.

So I’m here as a sounding board. As a shoulder. As a friend.

And at this very moment I am here to spell him off for a break.

“Go, have a bath, take a nap, relax for a bit,” I tell him as I make myself comfortable with at Dino’s bedside with my gameboy, “Go down to the fancy Mermaid Cafe in the Market district that makes the fancy espressos that you like.”

He looks like he wants to argue with me. He opens his mouth and I already have my hand held up.

“Lalalala~ No you can’t take care of anything if you can’t take care of yourself first. And while I know that my track record with being left on my own is questionable at best, I promise you I can handle sitting with Doll-Face for a couple hours while you recharge.”

Reborn chuckles and pulls down the fedora slightly to cover his expression.

“And here I though I was the overbearing dictator.”

“ I took over the position when you decided to start impersonating me in my worst spells of nervous insomnia.”

He takes another long look at Dino before hoping down from the seat and heading toward the door.

“Call me if anything happens,” He orders.

I hold up my cellphone and wave it in his direction, ”You got is Sunshine, I promise. Please don’t fall asleep in the elevator. The Girl from Impanema is a strangely relaxing beat.”

“What do you take me for brat?” He asks with some of his usual swagger.

And I look at him.

I really look at him. Tired and tense and wound up as he tries his damnest to protect us idiots from the multiple layers of fuckery that keep happening and hardly ever getting the respect that he deserves for it.

“A man who has been working very hard and deserves a nice long break,” I say with absolute sincerity and honesty.

I watch as he freezes in place and a range of emotions pass across his face in a moment of complete openness.

A string of Italian comes out of his mouth and fortunately I have been keeping up with my Italian lessons.

“... Did you just call me charming?” I ask as a look of, what I am sure is, unholy glee spreads across my face.

“You think I’m charming?” I think that is the biggest complement that Reborn has ever given me. And it proves my point about how tired he is that it slipped out with out him meaning it to.

I don’t care.

I’m keeping it~

Reborn stares at me absolutely stone-faced, and then he turns on his heel and leaves the hotel room.

I cackle to myself as I cue up the Pokémon game.

“Did you hear that Doll-Face?” I ask Dino’s peacefully resting form, “I’m charming.” 

* * *

* * *

  
  


When Reborn returns, seven hours later, he’s looking much more refreshed, rested and is wearing a fresh suit.

He also presents me with a fancy spice latte from the Mermaid Cafe and preens as I sing his praises.

And when Dino momentarily wakes up long enough to drink some water on his own he relaxes a little bit more.

* * *

* * *

Things on the home front have been a little tense since Squalo unceremoniously stomped into our town and our lives. Mostly because he had said the thing.

The thing that I have been meaning to talk to Tsuna about for months now. Ever since Reborn arrived to turn him into a mob boss. Because of our family history.

Because of Dad.

Tsuna has been quiet.

Everyone has been a little bit quiet just because things have abruptly gotten very tense again what with Dino and the fact that at any moment Squalo might decide just to stab us all and say fuck it to this waiting pattern that we stuck him in.

It’s up to Tsuna if he wants to hear him out.

And, as I said, Tsu hasn’t really been up to talking.

* * *

* * *

  
  


“Okay, lets have it.”

“Have what?” Tsuna asks absently, as he sits cross legged on his bed with his pillow held to his chest.

“Your innermost thoughts of course Bro-Bro. Whatever it is that has been eating you. The reason that you have been curling up like an armadillo in Kyoko’s lap everyday this week. Lay it on me.”

This is the longest that Tsuna has ever given me the silent treatment and it is really starting to get to me. I hate it when he’s pissed at me. Usually it means that I have done something to epically fuck up.

I watch and he quietly fiddles with his pillow case.

He’s sitting on his bed. I’m sitting on mine. And we face each other across the room that we have grown up together in. With each passing year the room seems a little smaller because we get a little taller, but no matter what it is still the safest place that either of us has ever known.

It’s our place.

“Did you know?” He finally asks.

“About Dad?”

I don’t need to ask for clarification. There is only one thing that would have hurt him this much.

“Yeah... About Dad.”

The look of heartbreak on his face is like a gut punch. He actually thought that the old man was dead. It really puts a whole different spin on the situation from his point of view.

A dead man didn’t abandon you. He didn’t have a choice not to come home.

Dad had a choice. Has a choice really.

The fact that he’s alive and well and hasn’t so much as said ‘hey’ to us since ‘93 is just crushing.

And it’s harder for Tsuna because he was always closer to Dad.

Even back before all the shit happened, when we were small and unbroken, I was always a Mama’s boy. But Tsuna lived for the days that Dad would come home. He would carry Tsuna around on his shoulders and run around with us. His big booming voice was always happy and would fill the house.

Our family was a happy one.

Not that it isn’t happy now.

But... I remember that he used to make Mama smile and laugh.

He would do silly, ridiculous things and every adventure that he took us on would end up detouring in a way that make it more fun and memorable.

He hadn’t been a bad dad.

But he left.

He left when I- when we needed him to be there.

And I hate him for that.

“I knew,” I finally say.

“For how long?”

I shrug, “I always knew. Back when I was all fucked up Mom phoned him and screamed at him that he needed to pay extra child support if he wasn’t going to show his face around anymore. I don’t think she ever realized that I heard that. Though to be fair at that point no one realized that I could hear anything. And Grandpa knew that he was still alive and never let me forget how much he hated the ‘Gorilla’s’ guts.”

If possible Tsuna looks even more miserable than he did before.

“So I was the only idiot that didn’t know then,” He slumps, “And no one ever bothered to tell me.”

I sigh.

“Honestly Tsu, by time I realized that you didn’t know he might as well have been dead. And well, Mama’s alway’s talking about him, I mean not lately, but she she talked about him all the time.... In present tense.”

“I thought she was in denial or just being ditzy about it. You know how she gets sometimes.”

Like the concerns of mere mortals don’t affect her and she is literally tuned into another plane of existence? Yeah, I know how she gets sometimes.

“She’s not and idiot and she’s not a child, Bro-Bro,” I tell him, “People say shit about her, but you know better than that right?”

“Yeah... I know... Did you know that he was part of the mafia too?”

“That bit was a little more of a recent realization,” And that’s not a lie. I hadn’t known that bit of information until Reborn had arrived and my brain had imploded from that first information download.

“But Reborn confirmed it. Apparently he runs CEDEF, and, while I’m not entirely sure what that stands for, I know that his ‘Official Title’ is External Advisor.”

“And Reborn didn’t tell me,” Tsuna asks, paradoxically affronted.

“Excuse me? Mister‘maybe if I cover my ears and scream really loud the mafia will turn into a bad dream.’”

Tsuna has the good grace to look a little bit embarrassed by his comment. And then he abruptly falls backward onto the bed pulls his pillow over his face and proceeds to scream into it.

Which, now that I have Squalo’s bitch scream as comparison, sounds more like a pleasant whisper.

Seriously, whoever takes that man to bed best invest in a ball gag.

...I really need to stop assigning bondage gear to the mafia men that I encounter. It is starting to become a bad habit and I have a feeling that it is going to get me into shit one day.

“There’s no getting out of this is there?” Tsuna asks, suddenly removing the pillow from his face and sitting up. “They’re on a different continent and they are still going to keep showing up here.”

“The Mafia you mean?”

Tsuna fixes me with a manic, wide eyed look, “ They will, wont they?! They’re just going to keep coming and attacking and you’ll get hurt again and our friends will get hurt again. We hardly even know Dino-niisan and he lost a kidney and came to us.”

I don’t say anything. I just stare at him as he works his way through whatever epiphany he’s having.

“Fine then,” He says, with **RESOLVE** , “FINE.”

He bounces to his feet and grabs his coat off the floor and his majestic stick from the corner and makes toward the door.

“Where are you going?!”

“Hayato’s,” He answers shorty, as he grabs the handle.

He pauses and looks a me before he turns it an jabs his staff in my direction.

“Don’t. Tell. Him.”

“What?” I ask, more confused in this moment than I have been in a good long while. “Tell who what?”

“Reborn,” Tsuna says emphatically, “If you tell him he’ll push and I need to do this part at my own pace. And he’s extra crazy right now because of Dino-niisan so if he finds out he’ll kill me with his spartan training. So. Don’t. Tell. Him.”

“What would I-“

Tsuna crust me off with the most judgemental look that I have ever seen on his face in my entire life.

“You tell him EVERYTHING. Don’t think that I don’t know about your ‘top secret conspiracy meetings’ or whatever you guys talk about. Seriously Inari, you spoil that baby too much. He’s going to end up crushing on you or something if you keep this up. And then you’ll feel really awkward.”

The noise that comes out of my mouth is more chicken than man.

And Tsuna just powers right on continuing his mad dash out the door slamming it behind him.

“Gak...”

The door opens again and once again I have the end of a stick in my face.

“And don’t go picking any fights with criminals or following any alligators or psychically communing with monsters or whatever the heck else you do that gets you into shit all the time. And that includes Hibari-san, I know you two were fighting again yesterday. You haven’t finished your Physiotherapy yet, you’ll just hurt yourself again.”

The door slams again and I’m left sitting there flushed and twitchy.

“ **WHAT**?!”

* * *

* * *

  
  


It takes another three days for Dino to wake up enough to be coherent.

During that time Tsuna manages to complete his Mafia 101 refresher course with Hayato, and he’s gotten a lot more twitchy because of it.

And determined.

The two of us ditch school on Friday after Reborn calls and informs us that Dino needs to speak with VONGOLA DECIMO urgently. He says it just like that to. I could actually hear the emphasis and capitalization. 

Squalo is waiting for us at the entry way when we get there all predatory and imposing and seething with barely bridled rage.

“TOOK YOUR FUCKING TIME DIDN’T YOU!” He roars.

“HIEEEE! I’M SORRY!” Tsuna shrieks and reflexively apologizes.

And while that is irritating and all I am momentarily distracted my the rotoscoping effect that is hovering to Squalo’s left.

The illusions tells me, ‘there’s no one here,”

My brain tells me, “ **That would be Viper....Now listen close and remember these words it’s important you have to remember** :”

**H̶e̶’̵s̵** ̸

̶

̷

̷

**̴N̵O̶T̴**

̵

̶

̴

**̷D̷E̶A̵D̷**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Condition Update: DEFCON 4
> 
> The arc endgame is approaching. 
> 
> As always I love hearing from you guys so let me know: Questions? Comment? Theories? 
> 
> See you next week ;)


	26. Plots and Plans

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It’s baby’s first revenge plot... or something like that.

I stare at Viper.

The frog(?) sitting on top of his head stares back at me, as it’s human stares intently at Tsuna and Squalo who are in the middle of a rendition of Tom and Jerry as Squalo chases my brother around one of the pillars at the hotel entrance and Tsuna flails around with his vastly improved dodging skills.

I’m not too worried about Bro-Bro’s safety right at this moment. Both the Varia and Doll-Face want something from ‘Vongola Decimo.’ It wouldn’t make sense to kill him. Unless Squalo is actually an idiot, which I don’t think he is.

...

And someone isn’t dead.

Cool.

Very helpful.

There are a lot of people who may or may not be dead at this moment. It would have been nice if the Void had been a little more specific about that.

A name? Description? Something?

No?

The frog blinks at me.

I blink back.

“...Hey?”

~~Can you see us?~~ A serpentine voice hisses in my brain.

“Yes, yes I can,” I tell the frog, as Viper twitches and looks down at me.

I’m not exactly trying to be covert right now as I have a conversation with a...frog?

That really doesn’t seem right. I don’t know why. But there is something off about the frog.

~~Disgusting~~ , the frog hisses again, ~~don’t look upon me in this form. It’s dull and repulsive. I don’t know why he insists upon it.~~

“Right...”

A rather sever frown is starting to spread across the visible part of Vipers face. As I continue to talk in his direction. He shifts in the air and the breeze catches his cloak and I catch sight of the dull indigo pacifier hidden beneath.

My vision hyper focuses on it and for an instant, a brief flash of time I am filled with rage.

An alien rage and intent removed from me.

T̴h̸a̵t̷ ̸i̸s̷n̵’̵t̶ ̴y̷o̵u̶r̶s̴ ̶t̴o̶ ̶p̶l̷a̴y̷ ̸w̸i̷t̴h̴,̸ ̵T̵h̷i̵n̸g̴.̴ ̷

But at the same time not.

I don’t want it. I don’t want something like that in my head it feels terrible.

The way it says THING is so cold and removed. A statement of fact with not affection or wiggle room. As if it wants to deny the agency of the Arcobaleno. A person isn’t a toy, a thing. That’s just gross.

Haven’t you ever read Doctor Seuss? ‘A person’s a person, no matter how small!’

Even if they are being a creeping creeper who creeps.

Tsuna rushes past and I reach out to grab him by the arm, pulling him away from Squalo, and toward the hotel. We’ve wasted enough time out here as it is.

“Come on, Bro-Bro,” I say, “We’ve got shit to do. Don’t want to keep Doll-Face waiting, right?”

“Oh, um, right?” Tsuna answers, casting a nervous look back to where Squalo is still brandishing his sword menacingly toward him.

“I don’t know what you two are doing,” I shoot back over my shoulder, “But if you want to join in you should probably stop dicking around. Be all peaceable and shit.”

“Two?” Tsuna whispers as we pass through the large double doors. And the two of us look back one more time as the illusion flickers and breaks revealing the world’s strongest Mist, the Arcobaleno Viper.

I tug Tsuna forward a little more aggressively. Trying to put a little more distance between us and the Varia agents. Because while I don’t really mind having a chance to get them on our side, I don’t particularly want to ride in an elevator next to a man who screams as much as Squalo does. The thought of being stuck in a small enclosed space with that foghorn is just god awful.

“This way,” I tug Tsuna around the concierge desk and give the very pretty man sitting there a charming smile.

Only to instantly blush and flail as he smiles back at me. Because even with the extra two decades of flirting experience that have been unceremoniously air-dropped into my brain, I am still a gay disaster.

We twirl into the elevator past a bellhop with more grace and poise than I would have expected. Just as Squalo and Viper manage to catch up. And I will say now; the look on Squalo’s face as I pressed the close doors button and they slide shut in front of him was well worth it.

“Another baby?” Tsuna asks in dismay as the elevator begins its ascent.

“He’s one of Reborn’s ‘associates’” I tell him, “Not that, that means he wont one day join the legion of assassins that have tried to kill us recently. But we’re probably cool right now. I think they have some sort of non-aggression accord going on. Not to mention that the Varia defiantly want something from you right now.”

Which is all kinds of weird considering they were originally supposed to be our enemies with the ring conflict and all. Oh well, the times they are a changing~

We have more important things to worry about right now than the probability matrix.

“Why are there so many babies in the mafia!?” Tsuna demands, latching on to the most pointless part of information. “Doesn’t anyone see a problem with that.”

“Tsu, one day you will actually pay attention to the words that come out of Reborn’s mouth, and you are going to feel like an idiot.”

“What?”

“I’m vindictively not going to tell you. I’m sure you’ll figure it out eventually.”

Tsuna starts fidgeting nervously with his staff.

“You could see him right? The floating baby?”

“Before or after he revealed himself?”

“Before,” He says with a flat stare, “It was pretty obvious after.”

“Yeah, I’m pretty keyed into the illusion matrix. My brain is wired for that shit for some reason.”

It has been since our first encounter of the Haru kind.

... And that other guy.

The elevator dings and we step out into a hall of plush red and gold carpeting. I’ve been here a few times now. Since I started helping Reborn look after Doll-Face but every single time I have to take a moment to appreciate how fancy this place is.

Because damn.

Tsuna stops dead and looks around at the gold accents the mosaic dragons that fly across the wall. This is the first time he’s been up here. Tsu’s been busy with his mafia 101 studies and his personal epiphanies. He hasn’t really had the time to come up for a visit.

Also I think he’s been nervous about talking to Dino. Or rather the conversation that he’s about to have with Don Cavallone. 

* * *

* * *

Reborn is waiting for us in the sitting room when we walk into the suite. He’s perched on the arm of the love seat with a small cup of espresso in hand and is watching over Leon who has wrapped himself protectively around Enzio.

Poor baby turtle. He had a hard time too.

“There’s a missing chair in here,” I observe as I flip myself over the back of love seat next to Reborn and sink down into it. I fold myself forward to give Enzio an affectionate rub on his head.

Tsuna yelps at the sudden movement but doesn’t do anything to stop me. I don’t know if it’s the fanciness of the penthouse or the fact that he’s about to have a very important meeting with a mob boss and some assassins that has him super on edge.

“Watch your feet Monello,” Reborn scolds lightly and tugs gently on my shirt until I have my feet tucked under myself and not kicked up on the coffee table.

There is something hidden in the cushion next to me.

I turn and quirk an eyebrow at him.

He just smirks.

Reborn is amazingly chill right now. It is actually awesome. I’m going to say it has something to do with this new self-care regime that we have been rocking this week. Honestly, I’m feeling much better myself with the extra sleep I’ve been forcing upon myself.

Gotta practice what you preach after all.

“Where’s Dino-niisan?” Tsuna asks as he looks around the room.

“Dino wanted a chance to get himself ready,” Reborn says, “Since you two were taking your time getting here.”

“And the reasons for that will become clear very shortly,” I tell him as I tap my finger against the rim of his cup of espresso earning myself a soft glare and a flick on the ear.

I can already hear the stomping feet coming down the hallway announcing the arrival of the worlds loudest assassin and his floating mist buddy.

“VOIIIIIIIIIIII!”

“Hieeeee~” Tsuna whines and scampers away from the ducking more into the sitting room with the two of us and ducking behind the chair.

“Squalo,” Reborn says flatly as he gulps down the rest of his espresso with an unhappy look on his face.

~~Wretched loudmouth~~ , Leon hisses.

~~Loud~~ , a faint childlike voice complains, ~~Mama it’s loud.~~

And for a moment I see a flash of twelve more eyes rolling toward the door, before my lizard buddy transforms into a more substantial form and curls tighter around his baby.

“Yup,” I say in agreement to both statements. “And, btw, he brought a guest with him. Friend of yours I think. About yea high. Wears a cloak.”

I give Reborn a communicative side eye, “Indigo pacifier.”

“Viper,” Reborn frowns down at his own pacifier which remains dormant.

“Yeah, just thought I’d give you a heads up. He has some weird bling on his magical bling that might be causing some weird magical interference.”

“You say words,” Tsuna says glaring up over the other arm of the chair at me, “And they mean absolutely NOTHING. How do you DO that.”

“It’s a gift,” I tell him with a wan smile, “a useless, useless gift... Oh yeah, I meant to say before; if i scream ‘Houdini’ or do this,” I make the ASL hand-signs for ‘illusion,’ “Take that to mean that some fucking reality warping bullshit is going on.”

“Repeat the signal,” Reborn asks, and watches intently as I do so.

“Got it,” He says with a nod.

“I don’t,” Tsuna says glowering at both of us, only to duck back down when the banging on the door starts.

“I know that you’re in there you fucking brats!” Squalo screams, “Open the door!”

“... It’s unlocked you fucking moron,” I mutter under my breath.

“Have you tried the door handle?” A light, airy voice says flippantly.

The dead silence on the other side of the door speaks of a sudden shame. And the door handle slowly and meekly turns to reveal a fuming Squalo and Viper floating at his shoulder.

Reborn finishes off his espresso and gracefully sets the cup down on its saucer and hands it to me with a truly diabolical smile on his face.

“Why don’t you go meet with Dino in the dining room,” He says as he pulls out a very real side arm that he had hidden in the seat cushion. “I’m going to have a few words with our guests.”

I look at Reborn, our ‘friends’ at the door, and then at Tsuna. Tsuna is hyper focused on the sidearm in Reborn’s hand. His eyes then twitch and his hand wraps around my wrist.

I let Bro-Bro and his extremely anxious metaphysical trumpet sounds drag me to my feet and push me into the next room. He holds his staff out making sure to keep us between us and them as we circle the love seat.

It’s a sweet, yet superfluous, gesture. Considering that Reborn already has the gun out.

I give the little hitman a grin as I’m forced out of the room.

“Have fun~”

* * *

* * *

The dining room is set up for a meeting... and also less of a grandiose dining room and more of a living room with a rectangular table set in the middle of the nebulous open concept floor plan that makes up the majority of this penthouse suite.

There is a chandelier hanging over it though. So by the rules of fanciness I think that actually upgrades the table itself to dining room.

Congrats on the level up table....

...

Dino looks like a golden retriever that was the victim of a hit an run.

He’s bruised and rumpled and covered in bandages. He’s leaning heavily on the love-seat that was obviously pilfered from the sitting room and drug over to the head of the table.

A majestic yet comfortable throne for the pyjama clad Don Cavallone.

And all things considered he’s looking much better than he did yesterday. For one thing he’s standing. I can only imagine the heart attack he gave Reborn when he managed to pull that off.

There are five other chairs set up around the table, and when I realize that Tsuna isn’t going to be moving of his own accord anytime soon I take it upon myself to break the tension in the room... and creat a distraction from the light show that is creeping up from under the door to the sitting room.

“Hey Doll-Face,” I say as I slide into one of the cushy chairs around the huge table. “How are you feeling?”

There is fucking gold inlaid into this table... I have no idea how much this room is costing him but trust Reborn to book the most opulent room in the entire fucking hotel. It’s flashy as fuck and while he got some strange looks from the staff when he paid for the room in fucking cash. I’m betting that they’ve all taken the Hibari Family’s Oath of Secrecy.

Or one of them surely would have commented on the unconscious man being rolled in on an ice cream dolly.

It’s so fucking fancy in here.

... I love it. If we ever manage to go on a real vacation I’m leaving all the planning to him. First class all the way.

Dino gives me a tired somewhat pained look as he slides into his own seat at the head of the table. An extra cushy love seat that was dragged over from the little reading nook in the sitting room.

“Not quite Doll-Face anymore Inari,” Dino says with a hint of self-depreciation as he waves a hand around the left side of his face.

“Naw, your still waaaay too pretty~” I assure him leaning forward to grin at him. “Don’t worry we’ll hook you up with a sick eyepatch and you’ll totally rock the romantic swashbuckler look.”

Dino smiles, ever so slightly as he relaxes back into his seat. And then he tries very hard to mask the way his lips warble when he tries to rest back.

Poor guy.

“Yo, Bro-Bro,” I rock my seat backward so I can look at him upside down, “Grab Doll-Face a pillow.”

“Uh- um- uh-“ Tsuna stumbles over his tongue as he looks nervously from me to Dino and back again before quickly rushing through the adjacent bedroom door.

He’s so worried that Dino is going to hate him.

He’s been quietly worrying about it all week. Whenever I mentioned visiting Dino he would get quiet and awkward and guilty. Though how he thinks he’s in anyway responsible for this bullshit is beyond me.

“Here Dino-niisa- Dino-san,” Tsuna returns in a rush and shoves a big fluffy pillow at him.

Dino stares at him for a moment. His eyes shift over to me in an appraising kind of way before looking back at Tsuna.

And he smiles.

“Thanks little brother,” he says, “Think you can help me out a little more it’s hard for me to to twist.”

Such a fucking sweetheart. I’m never going to be able to bully him ever again. Which is going to suck once he’s back to full health and is all extra beautiful and sparkly.

... I need to find a better way of dealing with attractive men that isn’t extreme antagonism.

I applaud for the two Goofus’ once Tsuna finally manages to gently slide the pillow in behind Dino without causing him massive amounts of pain.

“Sorry,” Tsuna sniffles pathetically and presses his face against the back of the love seat, “I’m really, really sorry.”

“What are you apologizing for Tsuna,” Dino laughs lightly, as he leans back carefully into the pillow.

“You got hurt and Squalo-san said it was dad that-“

“Our ‘Dad’ that up until a week ago you thought was dead~” I add in.

“That’s not your fault,” Dino says firmly, “And from what Reborn told me you guys had a hard time of it too.”

He finishes this with a pointed look in my direction. And it takes me way longer than it should have to realize what he’s getting at.

“Oh yeah, I had emergency surgery too... want to compare battle scars? My shoulder makes weird clicks now. You can join in on the group physio sessions with Miki-chan when you feel a little better. We’re mostly doing lots of stretching right now, but I have been promised a rock climbing wall at some point in the future.”

There is a very loud bang followed by the sound of Squalo screeching. Which is a sound that has the power to make the walls themselves shake. And then the door swings open to reveal the remaining three members of our ‘meeting.’

I motion for Tsuna to take the seat next to me the one closer to Dino’s end of the table and he quickly scurries into place.

“Anyway we can talk about our traumas and daddy issues later. If I’m not wrong we have some serious discourse to get down to.”

Squalo wipes away the trail of blood from the side of his face and seats himself across the table from me and Tsuna with much more aggression than is called for. He is absolutely fuming. And glowering across at us. I can’t help but notice that he is bereft of his sword hand.

... I assume Reborn asked him all polite like to check his sharp pointy weapon at the door.

He narrows his eyes at Dino and slams his fist onto the table,” You look alive enough, idiot!”

“I lost my kidney,” Dino says so blandly that I almost burst out laughing. “You stabbed me in the kidney.”

“And you finally grew a pair!”

“Back of of the Chairman, jackass,” I say, as I snap my fingers and cast Bigby’s Hand. A bright orange and glittering Bigby’s Hand to act as a bouncer for Doll-Face.

I’m feeling a little over protective myself.

“Please save all volatile commentary until after the meeting has concluded.” The words come out snide and mocking as I wave a large glowing finger in his face.

“I’m going to enjoy killing you, you fucking BRAT!” Squalo roars and makes a swing in my direction with his stump hand. Which is still bizarrely threatening even without the sword attachment.

“For the brains of the operation you really aren’t that bright are you, Squalo,” Reborn says with a placid smile. He hops up onto the table between me and Tsuna and taps the handgun threateningly as a beautiful baroquian melody fills my ears.

Which just makes me snicker like a cocky fucking gremlin. I am never going to get tired of watching Reborn put assholes in their place. It is my favourite thing.

Tsuna, however, is just sitting ramrod straight in his chair with his eyes shifting around to everyone in the room manically.

“Squalo, I’m charging you double for my retainer fee for wasting my time,” Viper cuts in with his soft squeaky voice.

“VOI!”

“Triple, shut up and lets get this over with,”

Viper floats down into the seat next to Varia’s acting commander his arms folded beneath his cloak. He looks largely unaffected by anything that is going on here. Not that I know what exactly is going on here.

Which leaves the seat next to me at the other end of the table open for Reborn. Who hops up into his spot and looks around the table and then fixes a steady gaze on Dino. And gives him a nod.

This is Dino’s show after all.

“Alright,” Dino says with a long exhale, “Thank you for coming.”

He looks around at everyone at the table and then fixes his eyes on Tsuna.

“I do need to apologize to you Tsuna... Decimo. It is because of my negligence that the alliance has fractured... that so many people are in danger.”

“Dino-Nissan-“

Dino holds up his hand and shakes his head.

“A few weeks ago the Cavallone Signet Ring was stolen from my Family’s home. I thought it would be safe, but obviously I was very, very wrong. And my failure to take the necessary precautions once I realized that it was missing has led us into this mess were in.”

“The ring was imbued with the Flames of ten generations of Cavallone Bosses and has been used to convince several prominent Families that were independently allied with both Cavallone and Vongola to cut their ties with Vongola and declare war against its allies.”

“... and as if that wasn’t bad enough the thief took it a step further by using my family and my families reputation to pledge support to Cassandra Della Rosa, by rite of blood and marriage to Federico Vongola, as the legitimate heir to the Vongola.... and accusing Vongola Nono of the most grave crime in the Mafia...”

“Conspiring against his own Family.”

Dino nods his head toward Squalo, and we all watch as the man pull a scroll out from inside his jacket. He rolls it out onto the table and me and Tsuna both let out little gasps of interest as a flame ignites on he page next to a large looping signature.

I’m guessing that’s how someone signs something with their will.

“These were the ‘order’s the old fuck gave us, to bring Dino Cavallone to him dead or alive. And we were to handle the rest of the family with lethal force if need be. Fucking senile idiot,” Squalo snorts.

“Watch it,” Reborn warns, “Despite recent events Timoteo is still your boss.”

There is a sudden ratcheting of tension at the table. A spike of killing intent from the Varia agents.

“Varia had a sky, Reborn,” Viper says, “And he was intelligent enough to notice Timoteo’s madness when it first began.”

“And it wasn’t one that gave shitty conflicting orders.” Squalo throws a pile of envelopes onto the table, each of them has that delightfully sparkly orange glow that says ‘trust me~ ‘ tinged with an insidious and polluted harmony. “Kill him, don’t kill him, kill everyone but him, kill everyone.’”

“And then suddenly the one issuing the orders was Iemitsu and CEDEF,” Viper jumps in unhappily, “And I know for a fact that there isn’t enough funds in his accounts to cover my fee, let alone all of the Varia.”

Reborn tips the brim of his hat downward and looks over one of the crisper envelopes that has a different seal stamped into it.

“Not to mention that Iemitsu doesn’t have the authority to take over Vongola like this. If anyone should be making orders it Timoteo is unable to it should be Coyote or one of his other guardians.”

“That’s what I thought,” Squalo snaps, “But he insists that he’s speaking for ‘Decimo,’ which seems like utter bullshit looking at the kid now.”

Tsuna stares at him in a mute horror, before turning to Reborn in a panic.

“What?! I didn’t tell him to do anything like that!!? How could he say-“

“Calm down Dame-Tsuna,” Reborn orders, “The idiot can say whatever he wants but I doubt anyone is actually buying it.”

“He doesn’t have your ‘Seal of Approval’ Bro-Bro,” I add in as I prod at one of the flames. “Considering this whole conversation I’m guessing it’s pretty damn important.”

I prod the fire and I HEAR childish giggles as the flame wiggles and swirls around my finger.

Interesting, that’s interesting.

...

This fire is so pretty.

A pretty

H̵̹̪͠ǎ̸̤͊̔p̴̢̼̙̖̭͔͈̈̄̓̽̒̈́͜p̴̭̮̆̌͆͋̒̐̈͐͗̆͑̆͘͝͝y̵̢͈̿̒̀͊̅̐̕͠

F̵̛̝͇͔̪̑̀̑̋̇̅͗͛̃͊̊͒̓̋͆͐̃̄̓̈́̐̒̇̀͐̓̑̂͊̊̈͛̀̆̑̆̀̄̂̑̉̑͗͘͠͝͝l̴̨̨̧͕̬̜̪̜̣͇̫̝͉̯͔͓̝̣̤̗̲͓̜̝̓̓̐̽̒̿͊͒̏̓͗̃̿̌̾̚̕͘͝ͅa̴̛̻̓̀͊́̋̇̈́͗͆͊͑͐̈́́̚͠m̶̨̡̡̨̦̦̘͈̠̯̰͖̼̰͉͈̬͇̹̟͙͉͖̝̳̥̞͎̬͉̥̪̜͔̥̣͖̬̯̺̙͙͍̠̮͉̲̺̣̞̭̰̞̪̩̬̌́̊̀̏̌̂͛̈́̄̉̈́̒̊͌͒̉́͒̉̏̈́͆̀̋̅̈́̿͒͂̈́̈̆̈̏̊̅͋͒͊͛̍̀̈́́̋̊̄̾̔̔̚͘̚͜͠͠͝͠͝ę̴̨̧̡̡̛̱̥̖̮̲̪̪̲̥̼͕̲͓̙̬̪͓͈̦͖͓̘̻̦̬͖̖͖͖̠̳̞̰̳͍̫̻̭̪͎͕͇̘̜̟̬̭͚͆̏̍̌͒̄̀̋͊̅̔̈́̋̂̌́̿͋̀͂̂̐̇̓̍͆̏̋͌̃́́̑̄̽̆̌̎͌͑̕͘̚͝ͅͅͅͅͅ

That **BEATS** with the sound of a FAMILIAR **DRUM**.

“Dino-niisan?” Tsuna interrupts my thoughts suddenly, “What did you need me for?”

The table turns it’s attention to Tsuna, as he states at Dino with wide and beseeching orange eyes.

“We already know who’s behind this, Dame-Tsuna,” Reborn says, “It’s the same person who has been coming after you and your Family since June. And while you haven’t officially become Vongola Decimo yet your name still carries weight. And if YOU make a proclamation regarding this. Vongola’s allies should cease hostilities. All you have to do is name the true culprit.”

“ **Rokudo Mukuro** ,” I name him.

As Dino says, “Cassandra.”

Doll-Face shakes his head at me, “I don’t know who this ‘Rokudo’ person is, but Cassandra was the one who snuck into my home and stole the ring. We caught her on security camera. That’s why I went to Milan to talk to her... Not that it did me any good. The manor was deserted by time I got there.”

And I bet him waltzing into the domain of the Vongola’s known enemy hadn’t done him any favours. God damn, Doll-Face. Though I guess he had been too desperate at that moment to fully think out what he was doing.

“And Mukuro was the one who told her to do that,” I nod absently to Reborn. “But considering all the times her name has shown up we’d better add her into that ‘proclamation’ too.”

“Alright,” Tsuna says a little frantically, “I write whatever you say, so that they stop hurting Dino and his family. This is terrible. They didn’t do anything to deserve this!”

Dino’s shoulders droop in relief. I can’t believe he would have thought for a second that Tsuna would tell him to fuck off.

“Thank you, Decimo,”he says with a voice thick with emotion. “Thank you on behalf of my Family.”

He presses his forehead against the table in the closest thing he is able to come to a bow right now and I hear Squalo make a tiny noise of surprise.

“We’re friends,” Tsuna’s says, simply and honestly. And I feel that burst of calming jazz and and the promise of safety, “You’d do the same.”

Reborn gives a nod in approval at both of his students.

Such a beautiful touching moment.

“Perk up Doll-Face,” I say prodding him with a big grin spreading across my face. “What are your boys gonna say if they get here and find you all mopey and shit?”

Dino looks up at me with his one good eye filled with a battle of hopefulness versus hopelessness.

“They’ll be way to over the top,” He laughs wetly.

“Exactly, please don’t make me have to deal with a bunch of crying adults. That is a level of awkward that I cannot deal with.”

“Or they’ll murder us for making you cry,” Tsuna adds, “Ginerva-san is scary~”

“If they’re ali-“

“ **THEY’RE ALIVE** ,” Me and Tsuna speak in perfect and unsettling unison.

“Who’s Rokudo Mukuro?” Squalo asks, the professional assassin starting to overwrite the screaming psychopath.

“Long story short; he’s from the Estraeno Family and has some serious issues with the current administration of the Mafia. He’s been calling himself New Management or some stupid shit,” I prop my chin up in my hands and cast a side eye look at Viper, “He’s a crazy powerful illusionist, what with the bending of reality and the mind control that he does. Which is part of your skill tree if I’m not entirely mistaken.”

“Could you locate him?” Reborn asks, joining me in my attempts to recruit the worlds most powerful illusionist to our cause.

Viper ‘humphs,’ “What do you take me for a charity worker? One hundred thousand into the Swiss account.”

Reborn gives him a look that I clearly interpret as ‘are you fucking serious now, you asshole.’

“After,” Reborn says with such a pleasantly dangerous tone that the rest of the table goes dead silent and stares at them.

“Oh, the rate just went up, its five hundred thousand now,” Viper rebuts in challenge.

“How about I just don’t shoot you,” Reborn threatens.

~~He used to be fun~~ , Fantasma hisses grumpily, ~~When the angry Sky was alivehe would do his tricks for free. And he let me be beautiful.~~

Wait.

What!

~~And you used to complain less, dear,~~ Leon says, as he scurries into the room with Enzio trotting after him.

~~You would complain too, if your’s was stifling and starving you.~~

~~And he’ll have to deal with the consequences of that eventually. You know that. Once the others realize that they have been overcompensating there will be payment required~~ , Leon warns.

~~You mean once you tell them~~ , Fantasma hisses.

~~Didn’t I say that?~~ I can hear the smug multi-tonal nightmare giggles echoing through Leon’s voice, ~~Keiman is in town, and I think he has been taking the brunt of this, if his human is anything to go by. They are your reciprocal, correct? It seems unfair to leave the burden up to them.~~

There is still an argument going on around me. Somehow we have gotten to the point where Viper is demanding payment from Tsuna instead. And Reborn is getting increasingly irritated.

I absently send a few supportive beats in his direction. But I am getting tied up in this Eldritch side story over here.

~~He’ll eat me! And who knows what that madman of his will concoct,~~ Fantasma wails.

And there is that extra little piece of info that is making my brain implode.

Because; I know who isn’t dead.

XANXUS.

Xanxus isn’t dead. I didn’t realize that there was doubt about that fact.

I thought everyone knew that he was -

_Down the staircase._

_Through the double doors._

_A quick left through the secret entrance._

_The stone steps that wind down and down and down._

_Past the wine cellar that was once a Roman dungeon._

_Into the catacomb where a single writing desk has been set up and a small lamp hangs from the ceiling._

_A flame ever burning._

_And there he is._

_Incased in ice._

H̸e̷’̸s̴ ̴a̶w̵a̵k̴e̸ ̸y̶o̴u̷ ̶k̷n̴o̶w̸?̸

H̵e̷’̵s̶ ̷i̸n̴ ̴p̸a̵i̵n̷ ̵y̶o̵u̷ ̵k̷n̵o̷w̷?̴

**But you didn’t think about that DID you?**

Ḓ̴̡̧̛̛̛̖̜̭̳͚̭̥̰̱͕̜͚͔̻̜̣̳̞̯̝͈̥̳͖͔̖̭̥̳͙͖̻̮̖̞̣̝̮̻̹̙̰̥̭̰̫͉̥̩̼͎̜̮̳̘͚͍̖̬̯̦͈̈́͆̿͐͌̃̐͐̊̊̒̍͊͒̐̐͑̓̂̔̾̈̒̀́͊͐̃͂̿̊͊̍̅̆̂̈́̓̍͗̀̄͒̅̅͑͒̑̀̐̊̓̎͋́̈͊͛̇͑̒̅̀̑̄̋͗̀̍͑̅̈̐̽́͆̓̀̅́̔̑̑͂͐̃̈́̉̾͋́̀͋̒̈́̈́̔͒͋̈́̑̆̈̅̚̕̚͜͝͝͝͝͝͝ͅͅͅĮ̶̢̢̧̛̯̦̹͎̤̝̬͔͇̬̘̟̘͚͇͙̼̙̰̯̙̩͖̱͈̩̜̯̾͌̂̂̍͒̈͒̀̇͗̾̇̅̇̀͋̂̈̈͑̈̊͑̎͌͒̑̓̀̀͘͘̚͘͝͝͝ͅD̶̢̢̡̧̨̧̧̧̧̢̛̖̠͖͇̫̟͉̮͚̯͉͉͉͍͍̺͔̦̻̝̟̝̘̘̯͖̳͓̝͓̦̤͖̖̼̙̩͖͕̠̹͈̗̠̞̠̻̬̞̝͖̰̱͈̝͈̱̯̯̻̘̲͕̙̯̣̪̖̙̪̩̦̹͙̳̭̯͔̩̳̪̼̩̣͉̞̰͂́̃̇͋̈́̌͘ͅͅ ̵̧̢̢̡̢̛̺̺͖̬͍̮̤̝̯̖͓͓͖͉̟̱͉̭̳̠̟̝͉͖̫̦͔̣̭̲͔̤̝͈̖̗̩̖͔̝̙̙͔͔̗̠̝̭̩̥̜̬̟͇̥̣̟̲̦̪͈̹̣̟̹̝̩̗͕̪͕͙̾͛͐̌͑̓̉̊̇̒̄̇͑̑̌̾̇͋̒̅̍̃͑̎͌͑͊̃̍̒͗̓̉͑̂͋̀͌̈́̔̀̂̐̾́̒̃͂̊̚̕̕͘̚͜͝͝͠͝ͅY̷̛̼̫̜̜̝̝̯̞͇̘̣̙͐̿̾̔̔͒̈̈́̽̓̀͋̾̔̓̎̆̐̓͛́͊̈́̈́͂̽͆̌̃͗̈́̅̈́̉̐͌̎͛͗̕͘͘͘̕͜͜͝͠͝O̴̧̨͔͔̥͉̝̭̟̱̝̯̫̦̪͎͌͋̅̾͒̍͊̆̀̆̍̈̏̇̌͋͌͛͛̈́́͊̽̍̍̍̂͗̾͑͊̇̃͐̈̉̓̈́̌͂́̋͑͌̊͛͑̿̽͛͗̚̕͝ͅU̵͎͕̖̟̜̰͈͖̳͔͊̔͗̔̀̑̋̈̈́́͊̑͋̂̀̏̔͆́̏͑͌̀̂̇̔͆̄̀̽̈͒̕̕͘͠͠?̷̢̧̡̨̡̛̛̜̞͕͉̬͓̳̬̥̮̗̱͓̹̞͇̯͔̤̜̣̼̲͙͔̩̪͙̩̠͎̠͚̭͖̙͈͓̬͓͔̝̖͖͔̣͙̖̠͕͍͕͙̬̞͓̘̣̯̙͔̞͒̽̅̒͒̏̏̀̾́͊̽̍̊̈́̈́̌̄̃͂̇̈́͘͘͜͠͝͝ͅͅ

**There is a ring of orange flame**.

** The only thing that remained. **

“Inari!” Tsuna wails, “Don’t just sit there! These crazy babies are going to put me in debt for the rest of my life!!”

I blink and look around at everyone.

At the Eldritch creatures that are looking at me with quiet intent. At the people around the table.

At the letters with burning will on them that pulse and giggle.

“How ‘bout we make a deal instead,” I say abruptly.

I stand and circle the table so that I can bend in close to Viper and I smile.

I smile like Grandpa smiled when he was about to make a devils deal with his adventuring party.

It wasn’t a nice smile.

Nothing is free in this world.

“You think you have something that I want,” The little money grubber scoffs.

I hop up onto the table and perch flamboyantly and pointedly ignore Viper.

I flutter my eyes at Reborn, “I know a secret~” I sing.

His eyes light up with realization and he leans back smugly and joins me in ignoring Viper, “Another one of your premonitions, Monello?”

“Yup, and this one’s a good one.”

“Premonition?” Viper asks, with a note of genuine curiosity.

“Inari has very accurate foresight,” Dino says, “If I’d listened Squalo wouldn’t have had a chance.”

“I’m an information broker, somehow I doubt you know something that I don’t,” Viper snaps, but he is starting to sound very uncertain.

“It seems like waste to tell this ingrate, Monello,” Reborn smirks, “I haven’t completely exhausted my information network yet. It might take a little longer but I’m sure we could locate our enemies.”

I start swinging my legs back and forth and shoot a look at Fantasma out of the corner of my eye, “Or I could call Verde~ I’m sure he’s bored and wouldn’t mind a chance to test out his techno surveillance shit.”

Fantasma makes a not normal frog noise. And for once I know its a noise that other people can hear too because everyone freaks the fuck out when the frog fucking screams and starts bouncing off everyone and everything.

~~HE’S GOING TO EAT MEEEEEE!!~~

I hear Leon laugh as he scurries up the leg of the chair and reappears on Reborn’s hat.

~~That was a touch cruel, darling.~~

Behold how much I do not care.

“OI, SNOT-FACE, WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOUR FROG!?” Squalo screams as Fantasma gets caught in his illustrious silver locks.

Viper doesn’t answer him. Instead he turns to me.

“Fine, tell me this ‘secret’ of yours and I’ll locate the pathetic illusionist your having so much trouble with.”

What a fucking shitty attitude he has.

“Three wishes,” I say with a snide grin.

“That isn’t the deal you wretched child.”

“I’m upping the ante,” jeer, in a mockery of his earlier tirade against Reborn. “See I have just acquired some very interesting information. Apparently, you are in some rather serious debt with our friend Verde.”

The name has Tsuna on visible high alert. Which is fair considering the last time we talked about Verde it was in the context of him kidnapping me. I haven’t really kept him up date with my further conversations with my sociopathic scientist friend.

Reborn has been quietly exasperated about the whole thing. It didn’t seem right to keep him in the dark about it. Considering their... history of violence.

“Debt?” Reborn asks, as Viper stops breathing.

“Something about reciprocal elements and energy differentials. Sounds like really interesting stuff.”

Reborn doesn’t say anything, but the look on his face is nothing short of severe.

“We will be talking about this later.”

“Fine...” Viper looks up at me, “I suppose you don’t need to barter your ‘secret.’”

I look at him. And I look at Squalo.

They’re both a fuck ton scarier in person. Scarier than they ever were as lines on paper... If that is what they ever where. I’m starting to doubt that it ever was. The things in my head are... moving differently now.

Since **ME** started talking.

Anyway. As unsettling as Varia is in person I feel BAD.

But also more than that I’m feeling more than a little vindictive toward Timoteo.

“Nah, I’m a nice guy. I’ll still tell ya.”

I pause to look them both over. Just to make sure that they’re listening.

“ **Xanxus isn’t dead.** ”

Our meeting takes a little bit of a recess after that.

Mostly because Squalo flipped the fucking table in a moment of peak rage.

* * *

* * *

“Who’s Xanxus?” Tsuna asks as we sequester ourselves in the bedroom.

Squalo is screaming so loudly I can’t believe that no one has made a noise complaint yet. The rooms must be soundproofed. That or its all part of the hotel oath of secrecy.

Dino is being brave, brave soul with his newly recovered will and determination and is doing his best to calm down his old school buddy.

“He was the youngest of Nono’s four sons,” Reborn answers.

I will say, I really appreciate Reborn’s ongoing chill. Sunshine is a sight to behold when he’s centred.

“Four?” Tsuna asks, “I thought he had three?”

“Xanxus staged a coup against his father eight years ago and Timoteo allegedly killed him himself... at least that’s what he told everyone.”

Reborn gives me a level stare, “You’re sure.”

“Yeah. I can tell you exactly how to find him too. Not that that helps us very much right now.”

“Inari,” Tsuna looks absolutely exasperated, “HOW?”

I look him back dead in the eyes, “What did Mukuro say to you in your dream?”

“He said he was going to come take my body,” He answers in grim truth.

I nod. I had a feeling it was something like that.

“I haven’t been lying about the premonition stuff. Sometimes I will just KNOW shit. It will just be there. Or I’ll hear bits of conversations that aren’t happening anywhere near me.”

We just kind of sit there awkwardly as the sound of Dino shouting and shit breaking filter through the closed door.

Reborn pinches the bridge of his nose and looks at Tsuna, “Dame-Tsuna.”

“It was a dream! And what about Inari’s thing!?”

“He already knew about me, your thing is new and interesting.”

Tsuna smacks me on the arm, “It was a dream. It didn’t mean anything.”

Me and Reborn exchange a look and then stare at him.

“Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, Bro-Bro,” I tell him with a gentle pat on his back, “But I’m like ninety-nine point nine percent sure that was actually Mukuro and he actually wants to take over your body.”

“HIEEEEE!!”

“Don’t worry, is a good thing.”

The two of them stare at me in incomprehension.

“Monello.”

“No, listen, I have a plan. A crazy, crazy plan to get rid of our problems with management.”

“LETTING HIM TAKE MY BODY!!?”

“No, but if he wants to do that he’ll need to come here, and we want him to come here.”

I flop back onto the bed and grin big and wide as I see the pieces of my crazy plot coming together.

“Long distance enemies are so inconvenient after all.”

Reborn plunks himself down on my midsection and gives me an pointed eyebrow raise.

“What are you plotting you impossible brat?”

“AND WHY ARE WE HAPPY HE WANTS TO STEAL MY BODY!?”

Poor Tsuna he went from ‘this is just a dream’ to ‘holy fucking shit DEFCON 1 this is the end of the world’ so fast.

“It’s too easy for him to fuck with us when he’s safe and sound in his monster factory. He body jumps and no matter what we do he can reconvene. We need to be able to attack the boss’s main body and we don’t want him to be in tip top shape.”

“You want to piss him off so he starts making mistakes,” Reborn says with a wild grin spreading over his face. “You want to cut him off from his power.”

“Exactly. He wants chaos in the mafia. He wants everyone at each other’s throats and if we play our cards right with this proclamation we’re going to write for Tsuna-“

“Create order, stability,”

“Yank his nefarious plot right off track.”

“A ballsy plan, brat.”

“Your favourite kind~”

Tsuna is looking between us with growing horror. And his nose wrinkling in a judgmental stare.

“You’re both crazy.”

“The crazy part comes when I try to convince Squalo to be our messenger of peace and tranquility.”

Reborn just starts cackling and speaking in rapid Italian. I can only catch every other word or so but I’m pretty sure he said something about the most fun he’s had in years.

“Happy to be of service, Signore~”

“We’re all going to die,” Tsuna complains and burrows his face in a pillow.

“Get with the program, Dame-Tsuna.”

“We’re all going to dieeeee~”

* * *

* * *

It takes me and Reborn three days to craft the first proclamation of Vongola Decimo.Tsuna listens in to the drafts and asks questions. He trusts the two of us to to make something impressive though.

My brother has many good qualities, unfortunately words are not one of them. Which is why he has me. I plan to take my duties as his right hand man very seriously.

Which is why I insisted he take the night off from the busy work to hang out with Doll-Face so the two of them can bemoan their mafia daddy issues together while watching the ‘Adventures of Sir Moonclaw’ on the Hotels massive television.

They are very sweet and adorable puppies.

“This is among the most unexpected jobs that I have ever taken in my life,” Reborn says idly during the third evening of our writing spree. Although at this point it has mostly become my writing spree.

I think he realized when I brought fifty seven pages of drafts with me back at the beginning of this endeavour that I would be doing the majority of the writing. Which is fine. Words are more my thing than his.

He’s the mathematician after all.

“Hmm? How so?” I ask absently, as I do another run through of paragraph three.

-And thus we call for a ceasefire immediately to avoid further loss of life? Still doesn’t sound quite right.

“When I initially agreed to take this job Timoteo put a great deal of emphasis on Tsuna learning to harness his flames... but he didn’t tell me about the seal. They told me my new student had a twin brother. A twin brother who was ‘flame deficient.’”

I stop toying with the pen and put it down on the table so I can give Reborn my full attention.

“They told me Namimori was a quiet idyllic Japanese town with a slow pace where nothing ever happened,” He chuckles a little at that and I have to crack a smile too. “I thought I would have to put in a lot more personal effort to create the level of... madness needed for Tsuna to reach his potential. And you, Monello, are something else entirely.”

“You say the sweetest things, man,” I say, and flutter my eyelashes at him prettily.

He smirks, “It’s only been six months and there is still a long way to go, but you two have already made your mark on the Mafia. And I can honestly say that I wasn’t expecting that.”

“But that’s the fun of all these near death experiences, right? Rapid progress and level ups. Of course we haven’t beat the dungeon boss yet and there is still every chance that I might actually DIE this time -“

“No,” Reborn cuts that off firmly, “I am much too invested in your wellbeing to allow that to happen.”

“Your sweet~ I’m invested in your continued health and wellbeing too, dude. Which is why I think we should go on vacation once all this shit is dealt with. Somewhere nice and tropical where other people are responsible for fighting random shit.”

“I’ll see what I can do,” is the amused reply.

We work in silence for a little longer before I stop again.

“I owe you a story too,” I tell him, “Not now, but later. Since I found out a whole bunch of your shit... I’ll tell you some of mine.”

Reborn laughs a little, “You’re such an impossible thing. You have a dark secret you want to trade me?”

“...Yeah, I do,” I tell him seriously, “you have to promise to keep it safe though. I’ve never told anyone before... not the entire thing at least.”

The amusement leaves Reborn’s expression and he is staring back at me with an equal amount of seriousness.

“Inari?”

“You said they told you I was flame deficient, right?” A bit of that searing anger returns as I speak, “Once this is over, I’ll tell you why.”

* * *

* * *

On September 21, 2002 the final copy of the first proclamation of Vongola Decimo is crafted.

Since we don’t have the Vongola ring to use as a seal we have to get a little bit creative.

“An alien,” Hayato suggests, “This town is full of U.M.A’s.”

The rest of our group blink at him over the table full of sketches and scribbles.

“Somehow, I don’t think the Italian Mafia would understand that reference, Hayato-kun,” Kyoko counters with a gentle smile.

“Ah, your right,” He turns to Tsuna looking horrified by his own suggestion, “I’m sorry Tsuna!”

“Let’s just keep workshopping it.”

“It should be Tsuna-sama’s handsome face,” Is Haru’s... interesting suggestion.

Kyoko also shoots down this suggestion by pulling Tsuna into her lap and framing his face with her hands.

“Hmmmm, Sorry Tsuna-kun~ Your much too cute to be used for a super serious seal.” And then proceeds to smooch him on his ‘cute’ face in front of the rest of us.

Which is still adorable and troubling at the same time.

Fucking adorable exhibitionists.

Takeshi leans heavily over my shoulder and starts flipping through my own ‘sketches’ until he finds the one that I knew that he was going to find.

“Is that-“

“Yes, yes it is.”

He grins and snatches it up out of my hands and starts waving it around in front of the group. And I watch as faces pale and Tsuna and Haru both let out little squeaks.

“What the hell is that!” Hana demands.

“Blood alter inside of the mountain,” I answer blandly.

“Why is it made of skulls!?” Hayato demands.

“What else should it be made of?” Takeshi replies innocently.

No one can come up with a good rebuttal to this one. But we agree as a group that that design might be a bit,,, much.

We go on like this for wayyyyy longer than is necessary. Or at least until Hana looses patience with us and quickly draws out our symbol.

Three concentric circles with a compass rose clearly placed in the foreground and only one direction inscribed upon it.

N.N.W

“It’s what you idiot’s call yourselves, right?” She says as she flips her hair out of her face, “The Namimori Neighbourhood Watch?”

She slides it in front of Tsuna.

And he holds it up and smiles.

“It’s perfect, thank you Hana-san!”

* * *

* * *

With that the document and several dozen copies of it are sealed and signed and sent off with our, temporary, allies in Varia. To bring peace by diplomacy and the terrifying, ruthless elite team of assassins that is known across the world.

It actually wasn’t that hard to convince them to go along with it.

Once I promised to tell them where Xanxus is.

It feels... wrong to hide that. But we need that leg up right now. One problem at a time.

Somehow I don’t think Xanxus would be super helpful in this particular situation.

Squalo and Viper head out on a Sunday flight.

And then we wait to see if Mukuro will fall for our ‘trap.’

We don’t have to wait very long. It takes less than two days for Reborn to start getting calls from his informants again. Telling him about ceasefires and treaties.

About how Nono has yet to make his reappearance.

About how impressed everyone is in the negotiation skills of the young Vongola Decimo.

And on October ninth seven students from the Namimori Middle School Defense Committee go missing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Condition Update: DEFCON 3
> 
> The gears are in motion and the boys are setting their trap. But the question remains, ‘can you catch a ghost?”
> 
> As always I love hearing from you guys so let me know: Questions? Comment? Theories? 
> 
> 💕
> 
> PS: Work projects are going to be taking over my life for the next two weeks so the next update will be coming out on February 3. 
> 
> See you then!


	27. An Interlude : Two Truths and a Lie

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We interrupt your regularly scheduled programming to check in with home office... and the asshole who works there.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning for homophobia

“-Disregard the reactionary violence called in the name of Vongola. For it was done without my knowledge or say or that of my predecessor. Put down your weapons and remember that these are our friends and allies and there are more dangerous forces at work that seek to destroy us. Our enemies feed on mistrust and chaos, and with each blow, we strike against ourselves is a victory to them-“ Coyote breaks off from his recitation and gives Iemitsu a severe look.

“I’m glad that at least your son has common sense,” he continues and sets the proclamation down onto his desk.

Iemitsu stares vacantly at it. It’s well written, if a little on the dramatic side for his taste. Which of course means that the allied families are eating it up. He’s heard the buzz himself. The first proclamation of ‘Vongola Decimo.’ Such a well-spoken young man, such diplomacy. Obviously Nono has placed the future of the alliance and the Family in good hands. 

Ha!

If his little Tsuna wrote this he’ll eat his fucking pickaxe.

He has seen that kids schoolwork, he was about as eloquent as his old man. Which is to say he obviously got someone else to write it and signed his name on the dotted line.

He’s almost proud. He could have done without getting thrown under the bus. But he gets it. Under similar circumstances, he would have done the same. Hell, he’s done worse under less severe circumstances.

And that was without coercing the world’s greatest hitman to write a report for him.

It must have been Reborn.

Fucking stunted prick.

Though he assumes the demented little gremlin needs to get his ya-ya’s out someway since he can’t fuck. Not that Iemitsu is going to comment, when he had made a passing remark to Lal once about her being ‘pent up’ and she had slammed him in the balls so hard he hadn’t been able to get off for a month.

Not his brightest moment but he did get the pleasure of watching her and that blond fuck who’s sequestered himself off in Mafia Land SQUIRM.

“I will also have to commend him for saving Don Cavallone’s life,” Coyote continues and sneers down at Iemitsu who doesn’t flinch.

Yeah, the horse fucker had apparently made his ‘grand reappearance’ in Japan.

Magically around the same time Squalo went incommunicado. He’s still sure that those two used to fuck which is disgusting. At least the young ‘Bucking Horse’ had the sense to go for Cassie even if she was a crazy bitch, at least she was hot.

At least when Nana and her ‘friend’ had gone through their ‘phase’ it had been sexy. There was nothing sexy about two guys fucking.

It’s probably Squalo that’s the issue considering how he used to follow Xanxus around like a dog. Followed him right into a ‘coup’ and has been a nightmare ever since.

Still insubordinate, even after having his Sky fall.

Timoteo should have taken the last step and killed the lot of them. Would have saved them trouble in the long run. Though they had been happy enough when Iemitsu had sent them on their merry way to kill Vongola’s enemies. And he appreciates that, really he does. But he would have been just as happy with a whole new set.

Iemitsu’s lips twist into what he hopes looks like a smile. It’s hit and miss. Moretti tells him he looks like he wants to bite someone’s throat out. It’s been decades since he’s gone that far, but he won't lie.

He’s tempted.

All of these useless fucking cocksuckers. Sure, blame him when they all ran off to and left him to deal with this shit show.

Speaking of which...

“Squalo seems to like him well enough,” He comments idly as he reaches out and drags the proclamation across the table. He can feel the pulse of his son’s flame burning on the page. He never thought he would feel that again.

“Which is nothing short of a miracle,” Coyote huffs, “The boy calls a ceasefire and brings the Varia to heel, all without stepping foot outside of Japan.”

“Not that he would need to leave the country what with the way the fucking mob has been flocking to my doorstep. Kid seems to have a knack for the business.”

“I can’t imagine where he might have inherited that from,” Coyote snarks back, “His civilian mother perhaps? His father has all the sense of a tit!”

“Oi!” Iemitsu snaps irritably.

And then he shuts the fuck up because a sickly red mist has started to fill the room and Storm Flames are eating away at the edge of his desk. As if he had forgotten that Coyote was from Sicily.

As he had forgotten the red collar and the coat.

Fun. This is fun.

“Your actions have cost us dearly, Iemitsu,” He rumbles, “Our alliance with Cavallone and all the families that swore to them before us.”

Someone should have looked into the potential dangers of treaties collapsing like dominos long before this. But who is he to be logical about shit. He’s just the External Advisor.

“Timoteo gave the first order,” he complains, leveling a challenging half-lidded stare at Nono’s right-hand man, “Not me. If any of you fucks had an issue with it you should have stepped in and shut it down.”

“TIMOTEO’S HEALTH TOOK PRECEDENCE!” The man roars, “I trusted that the EXTERNAL ADVISOR would know better than to overstep the boundaries of his position! Or at the very least not elevate a capture order to KILL ON SIGHT!”

The heavy desk flys forward and Iemitsu finds himself pinned between the wall and the sharp edge of the wood.

“WERE YOU TRYING TO START ANOTHER WAR YOU BRAINLESS IDIOT!?”

Maybe.

“No.”

“Then what in the name of GOD were you thinking?”

How long would it take to burn all the skin off of Ginevra Rosco’s body before she died screaming? How long would it take to transform that traitorous faggot, Dino Cavallone’s, face into something not even a mother could love?

“They threatened my family.”

“Vongola is your family.”

Is there really a difference at this point?

“And since your fucking dementia is taking over I’ll remind you that I have done worse for less in the name of Vongola, on the old man’s orders,” Iemitsu sneers, “Or don’t you remember Shimon?”

He’ll never forget the smell of it.

The sound of screaming children.

That’s not something you cheerfully go home and fuck your wife after. No matter how much she yells and cries that she needs you.

Nana would have smelt the dead kids on him.

Iemitsu flings the desk back toward Coyote and gets a rush of satisfaction when the man lets out a shallow gasp of pain.

It dies quickly, as he watches the man who had once been his mentor doubled over gasping for air.

“Are you done chewing my ass now?” He asks in lieu of an apology.

It takes several long, painful moments for Coyote to straighten himself up. His back never really healed from what happened back then. The fact that he can walk at all at his age is nothing short of a miracle.

When he finally does manage to straighten up he takes a moment to fix his waistcoat and his cuffs. And then he fixes Iemitsu with an exhausted look.

“How is he?” Iemitsu asks, finally.

He doesn’t know if he wants to know or not. But he’s fucked around enough. He needs to know...

Is Tsuna Decimo for real now?

Have they lost the training period?

If so Iemitsu has some moves he needs to make and if not-

“He had a heart attack, Iemitsu,” Coyote says, leaning heavily against the table, “He’s... diminished.”

“What do you mean?”

“Lal dropped in... he couldn’t recognize her. We had to **remind** him.”

A cold chill settles between his shoulders. Iemitsu doesn’t remember the last time the Old Man needed to be reminded about the Arcobaleno. He’s usually the one doing the reminding.

Honestly, Iemitsu hates the feeling of it. The way it itches and squeezes at his brain.

“But he caught the gist of it?”

Coyote shrugs, “I honestly don’t know. He’s been quiet. He’s been wandering around the manor talking to himself.”

“He picked a hell of a time to have a nervous breakdown.”

“It was a heart attack, not a sprained foot, Iemitsu. And he’s getting old, it’s harder for him to recover.”

As far as Iemitsu is concerned the Old Man has always been OLD. He can’t particularly make himself care though. The vindictive part of his brain, the majority of his brain actually, is happy that Timoteo has finally had something come and bite him in the ass.

Part of him wants to go marching over to the main house and shake the man until he finally, FINALLY answers-

‘WHY DID YOU DO IT!? WHY DID YOU RUIN MY BOYS!?’

Boy...

Fuck, his head hurts.

It’s all pointless anyway. Because in the end he doesn’t actually care. He can’t.

“So you’re taking over now? So I guess you’ll want to know about the bodies.”

Coyote freezes.

“Bodies?”

“Yup, we finally managed to get into Della Rosa’s fucking manor,” he says with false cheer. “And you’re just gonna love what we found in that whores shitbox.”

“Iemitsu-“

“We found bodies! And parts of bodies! And more fucking maggots and rats than you’ll ever want to see in your fucking life! Not at first because the whole thing was under an illusion to make it look like a big empty fucking house. It must have done something to mask the smell too...”

It had taken some serious doing to get all the layers of illusions off of the manor. Viper had been strangely accommodating getting rid of the last of them once he got back from god knows where. He hadn’t even asked for payment. Not that they had particularly needed it at that point. Not after they had found the dining room.

But still, Tsuna really does have a knack for the business if he can bring two of the seven strongest to heel so easily.

Not that that does much to help with the shit they found in the Della Rosa house. He doesn’t think a single one of her men is still alive. The dozens of them that they found looked like they had been crushed by a wrecking ball. The whole scene wouldn’t have been out of place in a horror flick.

And that wasn’t counting the important ones.

It had certainly been more than Basil had been able to handle. He’s still throwing his guts up. Though he had been smart enough to freeze the sample before he decided to pledge his heart to a toilet.

“Who’s bodies?” Coyote demands.

“I have a list, it’s a lovely list,” He walks across the room to where his desk has ended up and pulls the list and accompanying photographs out of the flame locked drawer at Coyote’s hip.

“And when you read it you’ll understand why I sent out a kill order.”

They had watched Don Cavallone walk right in and right out of that house without so much as flinching. Even with the illusion Basil had noticed the squish beneath his feet. And it was that house where the letters stamped with his WILL had been sent out from. The letters that had turned allies to enemies and started this mess.

He leaves the folder on the table and watches as Coyote flips through it. Iemitsu has memorized it.

Five bosses.

Nine high ranking officers.

All of them formerly allied with Vongola. All of them jumped ship when ‘Don Cavallone’ said so.

The families that had been pushing for Federico and Cassandra to seize control of Vongola and the alliance.

And now they all looked like the abstract art shit that Nana used to like so much. What with the huge fucking crystals that have been plunged into their eyes and throats.

Or what was left of their eyes and throats.

“Those crystals...”

“Yeah, I wasn’t privy to the ‘secret meeting’ you old fucks and Federico had with the Estraeno, but those things look awful familiar.”

He reaches back into the drawer and pulls out the ‘sample.’ Basil’s Rain Flames shimmer around it, slowing its propagation. Not that it would get very far without a host.

“Their cannibalistic Cloud Flame monstrosity that they tried to trade for the Deathperation bullets. Looking back I’m sure that’s what happened to Federico. You’ll see the pictures soon enough. They eat until all that’s left is flesh soup and skeletons.”

He knows the minute the man hits the photographs that he’s talking about. Even the great Coyote can't entirely repress his gag reflex when face with something like ‘that.’ Personally, Iemitsu likes it. He’ll keep a copy in his wallet to show off at the next Vongola bash. To show all their very good friends exactly what they can look forward to without Vongola’s protection.

How many months has it been now? Since Reborn first warned Nono that Estraeno was up to something? That those sick pedophiles had their eyes on Vongola’s heir? He’ll check with Lal, she probably has it written down somewhere. He’ll ask once she finishes off with the Mafia Land catastrophe.

“Have you sent anyone to-“

“Estraeno complex is empty.”

“Then where are they? And where is Cassandra?”

Iemitsu shrugs, “Beats the fuck out of me. Viper was trying to find something, but even he got zilch. Try asking Concetta Bovino.”

“Concetta? Why?” Coyote actually sounds worried about that crazy bag.

“Some shit went down with them and Estraeno a couple weeks back. They’re in the Naples area, right? Anyway it’s your problem now.” He walks back to the shelf and pulls out one of the bottles of Vodka that Victor Romanov gave him years ago and starts guzzling. A tribute, to a now maggot infested slush pile.

He’s thrilled that he doesn’t have to deal with that, that, that ... CRONE. A hundred and ten now, or is it eleven? He can’t imagine living that long. He’s only met her once. Years and years ago before he had met Nana. Before all of **THAT** happened.

She had come to Timoteo’s birthday party. And even then she had been ancient and crooked. And yet still a giant that towered over the rest of them.

The oldest of the old guard.

The Great Inventor.

She was the reason the Bovino had a reputation. They all caught their crazy from her. It was genetic.

People told stories about the shit she had done during the wars. During the Scorches. And the fracture and reformations. 

Her and that weird archivist. 

He still had nightmares about her sometimes. The way she had leered at him through those fucked up glasses that seemed to infinitely multiply the number of eyes she had.

She had grabbed his face and smiled with a mouth that had wayyyyy to many teeth and asked, “hOW nIcE tO SEe YoU AGaiN~ IE-mI-TsU.”

He remembers staring up at the crooked hunched giant and not being able to breathe.

“Oh, sO wE HAven’T mEt... InCoNVenIeNT. BuT Tell ME. Is My DEaR frIeND hERe YeT?”

“I So WaNT To SpeAK WiTh mY ParTner In CRiMe agAin,” She has smiled a terrible smile, and her green eyes seemed to glow as she said:

“I-NA-RI~”

Twenty-four years old and he had still almost pissed himself in fear. She had known it too. She had cackled as he had run the fuck away to hide behind Coyote and the Old Man.

“DON’T WORRY BOY!” She had howled after him, “I KNOW WHEN TO FIND HIM!”

It was one of the reasons why he hated that Nana insisted naming...

Fuck it. It’s Coyotes problem now not his.

He can deal with ‘The Wild Stampede.’

“Now if you don’t mind, get the fuck out of my office. Go kiss Nono’s ass or something.”

And he’s going to drink until his head doesn’t hurt so much.

Drink until he forgets.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not quite an update, but one more little gift before I return to regular updates.
> 
> I think we can all agree that Iemitsu is a fucking prick. Unfortunately he is a fucking prick who knows some shit. 
> 
> And I couldn’t resist a brief introduction to the illustrious creator of what Inari has dubbed the ‘purple abomination.’
> 
> Let me know what you think :)
> 
> I shall return next week!
> 
> See you then~


	28. The Anatomy of a Monster (Part one)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Is it Doctor Frankenstein or his monster that has come to ask for a dance?

The sky rumbles and breaks with a crash of lightning. Cassandra watches as the street illuminates in dramatic contrast before settling back into darkness and shadow. She has to stop for a moment to appreciate the beauty of it.

The rain is beating down hard on the umbrella the boy had given her. Her new ‘boss’ and ‘manager.’ It was almost kind of him.

She wonders what nefarious purpose that it serves.

But mostly she is just grateful that the drone of the rain soothes the squirming writhing things in her head.

Under her skin.

They wiggle and squiggle and no matter how much she scratches they never stop.

But perhaps they never started.

Are they there? Or are they in her head?

She can’t be sure.

She can’t be sure of anything anymore.

She wants to dig her nails in and-

Lancia had begged her to stop. She tries, really she does, but it’s hard and she slips. It’s harder now that he’s ‘gone.’ He had begged the Manager to stop.

And the boy had given him exactly what he asked for...

From a certain perspective.

Cassandra starts walking again. Her heels clicking against the cement. Following the directions that have been carved into her mind. It starts to hurt the longer that she stops. When she disobeys when she thinks.

She tries not to think anymore.

What’s the point when she got exactly what she asked for.

From a certain perspective anyway.

He gets irritable when she doesn’t obey. And his tantrums frighten the other children. The part of her that was almost a mother wants desperately to protect them. The part of her that’s a terrified broken child wants to run and hide behind Federico.

She does neither.

Her baby is dead.

Federico is dead.

Her sky is dead.

And she is rotten and filled with bugs.

‘Keep going,’ he orders her.

She goes. Following the path left and right and turning past the school. The school that they had sent her ‘hired guards’ to invade. To kill children. Children who should never have had anything to do with anything in the first place. But they did. And one of them took Federico’s title and she DESPISES him for that.

But not quite as much as her Manager does.

They pass by the building gate as lightning strikes again. Rage draws them closer together.

She finally reaches their destination. A small house that sits at the owner of a strange intersection of narrow streets. In a way, Namimori almost reminds her of Venice with its narrow winding streets that twist and turn.

The concrete wall in front of the house has a metal plate fixed to it. There is a word engraved on the plate.

‘Sawada,’ He translates for her, ‘watch.’

She feels his eyes press up through her eyes. Gnawing through them until he can see. It hurts. It itches. She wants to tear her eyes from her head.

She obediently gazes through the break in the fence so she can look into the Sawada household. This is what she agreed to after all. The deal they had struck. The price that she had willingly paid for her vengeance...and his.

The lights are on, the curtains are open and she has a clear view of the house.

She can hear the sound of laughing children from within.

It sours her stomach immediately with sickening jealousy. She watches as happy children rush past the windows. More children than she had been expecting. There should only have been two.

Decimo rushes past with the Ranking Prince perched on his shoulders quickly followed by the silver-haired one. There is something that looks vaguely like an obstacle course set up in the living room. If an obstacle course ever included basic geometry.

The hatred that fills the boy mixes with her own jealousy as she watches Tsunayoshi Sawada. Vongola’s Lion’s pride and joy.

‘How dare you. How DARE you!’

The boy had spent so long staring at that sheet of paper that in an instant had derailed all his carefully constructed plots. He hadn’t thought the shrinking cowardly thing would have it in him. He hadn’t anticipated the possibility that Decimo would appeal the MAFIA with such diplomacy and grace that they would bend so easily.

He wants that power.

Wants it to belong to HIM.

Wants everything that Tsunayoshi has and more.

The Ranking Prince points to something with obvious excitement and all three of them duck below the windowpane as pillows are catapulted across the room. Triggered by a device in the Arcobaleno’s hand.

The strange child that had trained Enrico all those years ago.

He looks the same.

Strange.

Another boy enters the scene. Taller than both Decimo and the silver-haired one. A memory forces it’s way forth and plays.

A wolf mask. A sharp smile. And a blade sinking into a body.

This is the one that had killed Tony.

They’re all going to pay. But he has special plans for that one. And the girl. And-

Inari Sawada spins into the room laughing and beaming. A boy with a fluffy Afro and cow print pajamas perched on his shoulders. He pulls his twin to his feet with a bounce and-

A burning, coiling, alien want spreading through her.

It’s HIS, not HERS. The distinction here is clear.

He hates Decimo.

Hates the Arcobaleno.

Hates all of the children that had dared to oppose him.

But this one...

This one that had defied him so completely.

This one that had lashed out and marked him so completely and permanently that it shone through any lie he constructs.

This one that was just as ruined as the rest of them.

There is a dark want that is more akin to lust than hatred and it makes her feel so sick that she wants to vomit.

‘He’s like me,’ The boy says, ‘Already mine. He just doesn’t know it yet.’

A broken sky for Frankenstein’s Monster.

An explosion of pink smoke inside the house distracts them both. When the smoke clears the small boy in cow print pajamas has been replaced with a tall teenager with a similarly themed outfit. A candy purple bazooka is slung over his shoulder.

She had thought it was a story.

He had written down the words and she had struggled not to laugh. Because if something like that was possible then...

.

.

.

He had found a page in The Book.

More out of curiosity than a defined part of his plot.

The most powerful items in the world.

And at the top of the list was; ‘Concetta Bovino’s Probability Engine.’

The Time Machine.

‘So they were right.’

Ken and Chikusa had spent the better part of two weeks engaged in gorilla warfare with the Bovino. After they had discovered that the ‘Farm’ was nothing more than a cheerful facade for the home base of the woman who had once led a resistance.

Had brought an army to its knees with impossible creations that when you heard stories about seemed more like gags than weapons.

Ken and Chikusa had only managed to capture one of the Bovino. A younger one who had gotten cocky and had told them Japan when they had demanded where the ‘time machine’ was.

They had arrived back at the manor tarred and feathered and terrified. Stuttering about eyes and teeth.

Cassandra didn’t blame them. She had only interacted with the ancient mobster on a few occasions but she thinks she can safely say that the crone is hideous. The fact that she had reportedly had more lovers and husbands than could accurately be recalled always seemed impossible. But she had more than enough progeny to support the claims.

“She just laughed,” Ken had said, “She knew we got the info and she just laughed and said we have no idea who we’re fighting.”

‘Come home Cassandra,’ her manager orders.

She stops reminiscing and turns to continue on her way through the storm.

* * *

* * *

“So what’s the plan once he gets here?” Tsuna asks while the four of us are camped out on the school roof.

The sky has a weird overcast to it and there have been faint rumblings of thunder in the distance. We’ve been having rainstorms on and off all week. Honestly, I can’t tell if it’s dying down or gearing up for more. There’s a charge in the air that has left my hair looking more like a poofy Pomeranian.

I’m sure everyone has been enjoying the static shocks they’ve been getting.

It’s been about a week and a half since we sent off his most glorious and wise proclamation with our ‘heralds of peace and tranquility.’

According to Reborn, this is an actual thing that a boss somewhere in Torino actually said about it. And I just laughed my ass off at that. The commentary that his informants have been sending back about the shit that I wrote has been nothing short of golden.

Now I know for future reference that mafiosos are fans of purple prose.

Next time I might give them something with a touch more... flair.

“Inari,“ He nudges me in the side and I squeak and roll into a fetal position to protect my ribs from tickling fingers.

“What?” I whine and try to roll out of the way as Takeshi joins in with Tsuna’s poking and prodding. The two of them are impossible. I have no idea why they never hung about before.

“Pay attention dumbass,” Hayato snaps and swats me with his notebook, “Tsuna was asking you a question.”

“Oh... what?”

“Your ‘plan’ I was wondering what we’re supposed to do once Mukuro and whoever else actually gets here?”

I stare at him, blink, and then shrug.

“Dunno.”

The way the three of them just freeze in place and stare at me in unison is nothing short of impressive. That was some killer synchronicity there dudes, bravo.

“What do you mean you don’t know!?” Tsuna demands as his voice goes pitchy and cracks on the high notes. “It’s your plan! You have to know!”

“What do you want from me Bro-Bro,” I ask, arching an eyebrow at him, “We mess up his plan, he comes here to enact vengeance or whatever, we kick his ass. Simple.”

Well, conceptually it’s simple.

**Reality is another thing entirely.**

I reach into my pocket and fiddle with the stolen, finely tailored piece of silk that I have hidden in my pocket. Borrowed, I mean, not stolen. I’ll give it back... eventually.

“Your ‘plan’ seems to be lacking some steps, moron,” Hayato snarks. “Like the entire middle part where you actually have a plan!”

I rock back up to a seated position so I can see the expressions of horror (Tsuna), disgust (Hayato), and amusement (Takeshi) on their faces. I really don’t know why any of them would have expected anything else. I have not historically been a big planning person.

I’m that idiot who decides to do shit in the heat of the moment and lives to regret my choices. Or revel in how awesome my choices are and their truly amazing results.

“What about the part where he wants. My. Body!?” Tsuna demands, “What am I supposed to DO about that?!”

“Easy,” I grin, “Just don’t get stabbed, Bro-Bro.”

Tsuna burrows his face in his hands and whines.

“I should have asked,” he whines, his voice mostly muffled by his hands, “I should have asked before~”

“It’s fine,” I soothe, with a flippant wave, “Have I ever steered you wrong before?”

The look that Tsuna gives me is one born of years of dealing with my crazy and the crazy shit that my existence summons into being. It’s a fair point, I did once lead him into the lair of a sewer monster. But to my credit, we had gotten out of that perfectly fine with a wonderful story of family and friendship that would move people for ages. Not that anyone would actually believe it if we told them.

“I stand by that,” I say as he continues to stare me down.

“There is actually more to it than most of the ‘Inari plans,’” Takeshi laughs, as he has been the one who has dealt with the majority of my crazy schemes. “Once it was just ‘Takeshi do the thing!’”

“And what a glorious thing it was,” fond memories of rushing through the woods clinging to Takeshi’s shoulders.

“Considering our past luck with these pricks ‘do the thing’ might not be the best plan. Not that you two chucklfucks have enough brain cells between you to know that,” Hayato snipes, “Tsuna-sama’s life is on the line here.”

Takeshi snickers and leans heavily on our snarky friends. He’s so much bigger than Hayato that he actually knocks him over and is half squishing him, “You’re no fun Haya-kun~”

“Get off of me, you ass,” he bitches and smacks Takeshi, who resolutely stays in place.

“Relax Bro-Bro,” I playfully ruffle Tsuna’s hair, “No plan survives first contact with the enemy anyway. It’s better to leave more room for improvisation.”

“Just, and plan at all would have been nice,” he sighs.

I snicker and bounce to my feet pulling him up with me and spinning us bother around in a small dance. We’re not the same height anymore, he’s gone and gotten taller again. Not as tall as Takeshi, but he is catching up with Hayato.

Seriously, I just want a couple more inches for myself. I’m not asking to be six feet or anything.

“Inari?”

I spin us around again and he easily goes along with it.

“We take them out before they take us out,” I say, making sure I have his attention.

“We don’t let them hurt any more of our people.”

As I speak I watch as his eyes take on a more orange hue. His posture relaxes. His expression settles into something much more determined.

“We’ll make’em regret ever fucking with us,” Hayato vows, finally managing to wiggle out from Takeshi.

“We owe them anyway,” Takeshi adds, his smile turning sharp and dangerous, “after what he did to Inari.”

A crooked smirk pulls across my face as I look at the two of them over Tsuna’s shoulder, “And we’re hardly going to let the megalomaniacal boogie man body snatch you Bro-Bro, right boys?”

“Personally, I’m rather attached to Tsu-kun being in his body,” Kyoko chirps as the roof door swings shut behind her and Hana.

She saunters up to where me and Tsuna are still vaguely dancing and reaches out a hand with a sweet smile on her face.

“Mind if I cut in, Inari-kun?” She asks and extends her hand out toward us the twinkle in her eyes nothing short of devious.

I gracefully bow out and watch as Tsuna takes her hand and Kyoko spins him into her arms. He squeaks. She giggles. And the rest of us poor schleps roll our eyes and avert our gazes from the exhibitionists who are now shamelessly making out in front of us.

“Alright, yuck, enough of that,” Hana grumbles, aggressively pushing past them and leaning up against the divider. She gives me a pointed look and continues, “Distractions set to go off in five minutes, you better get going if you want to make the most of it.”

“Awesome~”

I scoop up my bag from the pile and sling across my chest. I do some quick stretches to make sure my shoulder is limber enough to do what I’m about to do.

“Thank you for your assistance in this most important mission, Hana,” I tell her with dramatic gratitude, “How shall I repay you this time?”

“Pick me up some of those fancy bath candles,” She orders, pulling out her ‘special expenses’ notebook and leaning over to show me, “And if you’re feeling particularly generous, number six would be a lovely present.”

Number six is... wow, okay then. Fun~

My eyebrow arches and I give her a smirk, “I’ll see what I can do, try not to break him in the meantime.”

“I make no promises,” she arches a brow pointedly, “he’s a dumb stamina freak.”

Takeshi makes a vain attempt to peek over the edge of the notebook to see what so amazing. He gets the notebook smacked on his nose for his trouble and he retreats laughing sheepishly.

Hana rolls her eyes at him and turns back to me, “If you manage it I’ll make sure to get you something nice for your fifteenth.”

“That’s like a year away~” I whine.

And I am met with silence and stares.

Oh no...

“Try five days,” She shoots back at me.

My face heats up and my brain starts trying to reconcile several conflicting stories.

“Fourteen? Isn’t it?” My voice is a little bit desperate and I look to Tsuna for affirmation.

He makes this extremely complicated face and shakes his head.

“We were born in 1987...”

“So fourteen, right?” I say again even though I know that it’s wrong.

“Fifteen... You lost a year again...”

Fuck. Great. Thanks, brain. Thanks for catching that really embarrassing glitch before it came out of my mouth...Though knowing me I’ve probably been fucking that up for a while.

**Idiot**.

“Don’t worry about it, Inari~” Takeshi interrupts the awkward moment with a bright grin, “we all know you suck at math. I think even Tsuna’s better than you at math now~”

And with that Takeshi definitively slays the awkward silence as the group switches gears and starts giggling about my tragic relationship with math and the probability unit.

I am planning on asking Reborn for a little extra help once I’m sure that we’re out of mortal peril.

I rub my thumb across the tie in my pocket and smile.

I can always pointlessly and dramatically barter back his stolen property in return for a tutorial session. He should like that, added flair and all that.

“Yeah, yeah, assholes, laugh it up.”

He does, and I’m reminded nor for the first or last time why I adore Takeshi so much.

“Anyway, I’m going to get going before I lose my window of opportunity.”

“Your skipping again?” Tsuna interrupts, giving me a big brother look.

“I’m not skipping,” I reason, “I’m protesting being forced to take a class that I have tested out of.”

“What about Lit?” Takeshi nudges me.

“I’ll test out of that next,” I vow with a completely deadpan expression. “I can’t take much more of that crap.”

“Fucking cheers,” Hayato agrees with gusto.

Tsuna gives us both a look that clearly communicates, ‘you fucking assholes, keep your academic brilliance to yourselves.’ To which I mentally reply with, ‘so sayeth the man who frequently gets into romantical entanglements with his badass girlfriend in front of his poor relationship bereft friends.’

All of our pontificating is interrupted by the familiar exclamation of, ‘TO THE EXTREEEEEEEME!!!!’ Echoing through the halls of the school and up through the ventilation system. Quickly followed by shouts of outrage.

“That’s your cue,” Hana says, “better move it before the DC realizes that they’re being bamboozled.”

“Meh, getting past them is half the fun anyway.”

I give them all a quick salute before using my small stature to my advantage and ducking through the vent, for old times sake.

“Have fun with your BOYFRIEND~” Takeshi calls after me teasingly.

“Not my boyfriend,” I shoot back in deadpan.

I don’t know how or why but at some point over the last month Takeshi, Hayato, and even Kyoko have gotten it into their empty heads that Dino is somehow, my boyfriend. And no, just no. Doll-Face is pretty and sparkly and a sweet dope who reminds me way too much of my own flesh and blood twin to ever even consider ‘that’ anymore.

Nope.

It probably has something to do with them finding out where I go when I skip out of class. Which for a while was the hotel to make sure that Reborn wasn’t going to drive himself into an anxiety dug grave.

“Suuuure he’s not,” Hayato adds.

“You were just dancing with him~” Kyoko trills slyly as she leads Tsuna in a little waltz.

“It’s for rehab!” I snark, “and I like dancing!”

Bro-Bro looks me dead in the eyes as the rest of our friends giggle. And being the worst of all of them he mouths, ‘have fun with Reborn.’

I flip them all the bird and slide down the vent.

That’s about enough of me making an idiot of myself.

* * *

* * *

I’m just about to make my great escape off campus when I’m interrupted by my nemesis.

Rather it’s interrupted by my nemesis smacking me across the ass with his fucking club. Which smarts like fuck. And then hauling me off the fence and tossing me into the somewhat wet and squishy ground.

Yuck.

And also:

“Fuck you, asshole,” I groan and pull myself up, “could you ,for once, not act like a caveman.”

The tonfa comes down, but I manage to scoot backward enough to avoid getting my kneecap busted in. Obviously, the Dread Knight isn’t pulling any punches today. He also seems to be playing Flight of the Bumblebee.

“Your delinquent habits are starting to irritate me, Sawada Inari,” Hibari intones as he steps forward.

“Yeah, well, your face is starting you irritate me.”

I clap my hands together, and being as overcharged as I am (thank you looming thunderstorm) a KABOOM of orange, sparkling, sparking weaponized glitter erupts in the area around us.

Sending just enough current into the net to freeze him in his tracks. I take a beat, weigh my options, and then I bull rush him.

Hibari takes the hit. This time he’s the one with his ass planted in the cold damp ground. It’s only a momentary victory though. No sooner do I have him startled and pinned, that I’m being launched off of him.

“Wao~” he smiles and twirls the weapons around, “you really want to get bitten today. Don’t you?”

I hit the fence laughing like a lunatic. My skin is buzzing with excess energy that is just begging to get burned off. And even though I have important shit that I need to do today, I’ve never been able to turn my back on a scrap with Kyoya. Because as much as I complain about his general assholeness, I can’t help but masochistically enjoy our mutual beat downs.

“You sure caught up quick today,” I comment idly, as I hook my foot around the back of his calf. “Am I getting too predictable?”

One of his tonfa knocks against my knee. Not enough to do any real damage, more as a warning.

“You and that heard are always up to something,” he smirks, “but your the only fool who continues to violate school policy so blatantly.”

“Oh you know me, places to go, people to see,” I snap my fingers and the glitter reforms on the gloves with crackling lightning. A shocking grasp that I tauntingly wave next to him.

“Whole big world out there Kyo, you can’t spend your whole life making walls and boundaries~”

And then I zap him.

It’s enough to get him to drop his hold and let me slide down the fence back to solid ground. But because he is Hibari fucking Kyoya he isn’t fazed for long and no sooner am I attempting to scale the fence again then I’m hauled off of it and being pressed face down into the field as the Cave Troll straddling my hips pressing a club to the back of my neck.

“Time to go back to class, little beast,” he says and presses a little harder.

“Hey!” A woman’s voice cuts in and while I can’t see what’s happening I know my nemesis just got smacked in the back of the head with something, “you should play nicer with your friends' little boy, there are enough monsters in the world as it is.”

The pressure on my back lets up as he turns to snarl at the interloper. And then he freezes and doubles over gagging on the ground next to me.

“Take care of your friends. Or you won’t get to keep them.”

It takes me a moment for me to get up, during which time the voices of various DC members start ringing out calling for ‘Kyo-san!’

Honestly, he accuses us of having a herd while he has such a devoted following of acolytes.

The woman had her back turned to us by the time I get oriented. All I can make out is the stilettos heels and the cherry blossom print umbrella as she walks down the street.

I look down at Kyoya who is sweating and shaking and looking absolutely furious.

“To be fair,” I say, “I did warn you about the cherry blossoms.”

Since I really do have important shit to do today I take my chance to finally get over the fence. I drop down on the other side and something squished unpleasantly under my feet.

I look down.

Maggots and worm looking things that are wigging and writhing there. Yuck, yuck, yuck!

I scamper out of the patch of grossness as quickly as I can. However, my momentary distraction means that I gave Tetsuya, Yamada-sempai (Daichi) and the other swarming DC guys enough time to catch up.

All of my weird combat friends, or as Takeshi has taken to calling them my fight buddies,’ but I never ever will because that sounds to close to another much dirtier phrase. And if I do much as think about Hibari Kyoya in that context my brain will implode. There are only so many shocks to the system that I can take in a day. And I’m still caught on the fact that I fucked up the birthday thing... again!

Though I can’t entirely be held accountable for that considering I missed out on a large span of time between ‘92 and ‘93.

And then there’s the space-time paradox that is living in my head with me.

See? Totally not my fault... this time at least.

“Get back here, Sawada!” Daichi hollers as he and six others scale the fence. To avenge their dear ‘Kyo-san.’

And that is my cue to get the hell out of dodge.

I bolt down the street making a sharp turn past the woman with the cherry blossom umbrella with the guys hot on my heels.

“Catch me if you can fuckers!” I cackle and start navigating the winding alleyways of Namimori.

Not once looking back.

I have important shit to do today after all.

* * *

* * *

Vitally important shit. Super duper important.

More important than the thing in the pink gift bag that is safely tucked away in my bag and will be handed over to Hana at the soonest possible opportunity. Because I really don’t want to have to explain to anyone how or why I bought it.

Anyway, important mission...

Not just hanging out in a fancy hotel room sifting through informant reports with Reborn and listening in Doll-Faces manic phone quest to hunt down the scattered members of his family.

He had finally managed to get in contact with Romario the other day and he had just started bawling. Happy bawling, not sad bawling. Though I had still ended up with a lap full of a sobbing mafia don. And then we had to call Shamal to come to look at his eye socket because it had started burning.

I always love seeing that asshole.

But good news about the Cavallone boys.

The lot of them are going to be making their way here and from there Dino is going to be figuring out the next steps. Everything is kind of up in the air since we don’t know where Mukuro or Cassandra or any of their monsters have gotten to.

All Viper had been able to tell us is that they aren’t in Italy anymore. Which given the size of the globe doesn’t tell us all that much.

It doesn’t take me long to lose the DC guys. I don’t know if they gave up or got lost trying to follow me through the back alley senior route. Either way, not my problem.

This is what I’m thinking as the sky breaks open and a verifiable waterfall is dumped on my head. Leaving me fucking soaked to the bone and my hair plastered to my face as I stand frozen blinking in shock.

“Yeah, okay, I’m going to hurry now,” I irritably tell the sky, “obviously the universe is against me getting shit done today. Thanks so much for that. I’m just going to ignore that this happened and go finish up with my mission. I swear I’ll get inside right after.”

Sometimes you just have to rant a little bit. Or at least I do.

Anyway my mission.

My mission of vital importance.

It is, of course, birthday presents for Reborn.

I finished putting Bro-Bro’s gift together ages ago. A new hoodie, since he’s almost outgrown his. Some new manga from his favorite series. The latest Luigi World game.

Tsuna’s easy.

Reborn is a little harder.

For one thing, he’s never actually told me that his birthday is coming up. And for another...

I can’t break the curse.

As much as I want to. I don’t have the power to do that for him.

I want to...

...

So I went with something a little more traditional.

With my own flair of course~

I duck into ‘Moonflower Threads’ as quickly as I can to escape the rain. It’s immediately warmer inside the shop. And quiet. Though I can still hear the rain pouring outside.

It’s the same as it always is. Filled with mannequins dressed to the nines in various styles. I’m pretty sure he designed it this way to be both as fancy and as creepy as humanly possible.

Fitting for a former warlock.

I also don’t see the shop owner anywhere.

“Susumu-jichan?” I call into the shop, “You here?”

I can hear the faint sound of voices from the back room which quickly turn into a string of curses and snarking and the sound of what sounds like an avalanche of shit coming down.

“You okay?!” I call again, starting to moving further into the shop, “Do you need some-“

“YOU DON’T TAKE ONE MORE STEP INTO MY SHOP, LITTLE INARI,” He hollers, freezing me in place, “I WON’T HAVE YOU DRIPPING ALL OVER THE FLOOR AN MY NICE MERCHANDISE.”

I watch with mild amusement as the crotchety old man pokes his head through the blue and silver curtains to glare at me. His large mustache bristling. Long grey hair pulled back into a messy bun.

“You didn’t even bring an umbrella with you. Did you boyo?”

I hold out my empty hands in a display of my umbrella-less-ness and continue to drip onto the rug.

He clicks his tongue at me in judgemental disappointment.

“At least that uniform is godawful anyway,” He relents and wheels himself through the curtain, “If you were going to ruin clothes at least you ruined that.”

“I don’t think I can be blamed for random cloudbursts, Jichan. I’m a great and powerful wizard and all but I’m not quite badass enough to command the forces of nature.”

“I’m sure your powerful enough to command an umbrella, boyo, and they don’t cost much.”

I watch as Susumu-jichan navigates his wheelchair through the labyrinth of mannequins, fabric rolls, display tables, and other sundry items until he comes to a stop in front of me. A lacquer box balanced delicately on his lap. I’ve always been impressed by how graceful and dexterous he is in the chair. More so, because I was always a disaster and running into things.

“I assume you're here for your order,” He says tapping a finger on top of the box.

“You already finished them? Awesome~”

“And no, your not picking them up today,” He continues interrupting me.

“What? Why!?”

He raises an eyebrow and makes a sweeping gesture which I take to indicate my everything.

“I’m not exactly sure what you're getting at but I’m pretty sure that was just a judgment on all of me. Which is one, rude. And two, supposing you are referring to the whole drowned rat look that I’m rocking I’m going to counter-attack with; you're telling me that your amazing, fantabulous creations can’t withstand a little water? I have it on good authority that they can catch fire and still come out looking good as new.”

“Not the point. You have to treat finery right, hooligan.”

I can’t help the grin that spreads across my face when he calls me hooligan. Susumu-jichan has always been a riot. He always managed to get a laugh out of Grandpa.

“Fine, fine,” I sigh in defeat, there isn’t much use arguing with him, “Can I at least see the lovely creations that I will be paying for?”

He taps his fingers against the lid of the box again in careful consideration.

“No dripping”

“I don’t really have control over that.”

“Then stand there and appreciate from afar,” he snaps as he opens the box.

I just beam.

Maybe I could have been more imaginative than ties. But I don’t think I could have been more imaginative than THESE ties.

I still remember the look on Susumu-jichan’s face when I burst in last week with my stolen reference sample and the pattern sketches that I had unintentionally started while trying to come up with a symbol for Tsuna.

Each is made of silk and crafted to absolute perfection with skillful embroideries inlaid into them. One has peacock feathers, another scarab beetles, another sunshines. One has been marble dyed to look swirl of coffee and steam. One with little chameleons weaving in and out of the fabric.

There are seven. And they’re both fun and fancy as fuck and come with matching hatbands. That I had offhandedly requested, but I didn’t think he would actually go through the trouble of making but he did.

Reborn puts a lot of effort into his appearance.

He custom orders his suits. All of his accessories are classy, well made and cared for.

I’ve said it before; he likes dolling himself up.

...

Because it makes him like himself more.

I like to think that I’ve gotten to know him pretty well over the months. And I watch him. I see the way he sometimes catches sight of his own reflection and the look on his face is heart-wrenching.

I know how much it hurts him.

It’s the hell inside his head. The dragon that he has to fight.

And I hate that, but as much as I want to fix it for him, I can’t. You can’t force someone to feel better. That’s not the nature of the beast. I can only support him in the little ways that I can. And, well, this time it’s with some new armor, enchanted with a little bit of fun~

To remind him of his crazy silly friend that thinks he’s absolutely wonderful.

...I think he’s wonderful, and I want him to feel good about himself.

“Well? Does my work pass inspection, Boyo?” Susumu-jichan asks, “I don’t think I’ve ever seen you this quiet before.”

“They’re perfect,” I tell him, “Magical and perfect. How much do I owe you?”

I’m prepared to dish out my savings here. I know Susumu-jichan charges a lot for his commissions and they are worth every bit.

He clicks his tongue and looks me over head to toe. I’m still dripping a little bit.

“You’re going to let me make you some clothes that actually fit you so you don’t look like a wayward ragamuffin.”

“Ragamuffin!” I squawk and look down at myself.

“Every time I see you you’re wearing clothes that are at least two sizes too big and ill-fitting to boot. It hurts my soul.”

“That sounds a touch melodramatic. And I don’t think this is how commerce works. What is with old people these days turning defaulting to the barter system. Though I don’t actually think you making more things for me in any way counts as payment from me.”

“It hurts my SOUL,” He reiterates with emphasis, “At least when I see young Tsunayoshi he’s actually wearing clothes that fit him and have something passing for color coordination.”

“Oi!”

“Oi nothing, boyo. You’re a young man now. And the least I can do for your Grandfather is make sure you dress respectably once in a while.”

I groan.

“Sure, fine, whatever,” I relent, “But it’s going to have to be next time when you actually let me pick up my shi-stuff.”

He narrows his eyes at the near slip, but nods.

“Good,” He easily spins his wheelchair around and starts rolling back into his shop. “And I expect to meet this ‘friend’ of yours at some point too.”

I leave.

I just leave.

* * *

* * *

I make it about a block. Dodging from awning to awning to stay out of the rain as much as I can, before my phone rings.

Speak of the devil.

Well, refer to him enough, I guess.

“You have reached the magnificent Inari,” I announce with overblown dramatics before Reborn can start with the anxiety. I know I’m ‘late.’ Even though my appearance at the hotel doesn’t have a set schedule. The excess electricity in the air is making me feel even more ridiculous than usual.

I bet I can make his curly-q sideburns go ‘poof’ again.

It was amazing last time. Like one of my favorite things ever~

“Your late, Monello,” Reborn answers. I think he’s going for stern but his voice sounds more amused than anything. “You should have been here forty minutes ago.”

“A wizard is never late, signore. He arrives precisely when he means to,” I pseudo quote at him. Sometimes you have to adapt the text for a new audience.

He’s about to say something, but whatever it is is swallowed by a furious woman screaming in Italian somewhere in the background. Closely followed by Dino sobbing apologies and prayers and gratitude.

“The hell?”

“Paula and Romario,” Reborn answers, “They arrived about an hour ago and Dame-Dino has been suffering her wrath ever since.”

He sounds horribly amused by the whole thing, which probably means that Doll-Face isn’t suffering terribly.

And also, the relief that bursts in my chest when he says Romario’s name is ridiculous. I’m so fucking happy for Dino. The fact that he’s been separated from his family for so long has been so hard on him.

“But you would have known that if you had been here on time,” Reborn continues, “Where are you, brat?”

“What if I decided to be a good student and attend class today?” I laugh.

We both know that the chances of that happening are slim to none at this point.

“Dame-Tsuna said you left over an hour ago,” he says blandly.

Ah, so he called Tsuna. Meaning that Bro-Bro has probably been not so secretly freaking out. I’ll call him when I get to the hotel.

“I had a close encounter of the Hibari kind,” I inform him as I start moving again. “And I had a couple of errands to run. Don’t worry I’ll be there soon.”

There is an odd silence, a brief pause before Reborn speaks again. Light and deliberately casual;

“Would you like me to come to meet you?”

I race between two more awnings with an enormous smile on my face. He can be sweet, for an unrepentant sadist that is.

“While I appreciate the concern, dude, I should be fine,” I tell him, “I’m like five minutes away tops. But if you want to maybe get a towel for me I won’t complain.”

Somewhere in the background, I hear Romario sobbing dramatically as Dino speaks in low tones.

“Stay out of trouble,” Reborn orders.

“Five minutes. What can happen in five minutes?” I promise him, “I’ll see you soon.”

I end the call and shove my cellphone back in my pocket.

Well, I can’t wait to meet Paula. From the small bit that I overheard, she is less upset about his missing eye, and more upset about the fact that he won’t let her go rip someone else’s out in an act of revenge. Those sound like some familiar impulse control issues.

I try to leap over a rather large puddle in my way, but my foot catches strangely on the curb. Luckily, I manage to roll on to the part of the sidewalk that hasn’t decided to transmogrify itself into a lake.

Unfortunately, it’s still wet.

At this point, I don’t actually think there is a wetter that I can get. I catch my reflection in the window next to me and, yup, I’m definitely rocking the whole drowned rat look. I carefully reach into my pocket to make sure that I haven’t accidentally gotten the stolen tie wet too.

Amazingly it’s still dry.

Yay~ Reborn probably won’t be too pissed at me.

I look back at the window and...

There is a woman in the reflection behind me.

A woman with ice blue eyes and auburn hair.

Stiletto heels.

And a cherry blossom umbrella.

I don’t turn around I don’t take my eyes off of the reflection of Cassandra Della Rosa. She’s across the street. She’s across the street and she’s looking at something that is not me.

I move to grab my phone again.

She smiles.

And even from here I can see something wriggling.

Thunder booms.

A deafening crash.

And then there is only light.

* * *

* * *

I hear music.

More beautiful than anything I have ever heard in my life.

It’s everywhere.

A current that runs through everything.

The song of the Earth.

* * *

* * *

And then all there is screaming.

There’s too much.

There’s not enough.

And I’m filled with knives and sharpness.

An alien current.

* * *

* * *

“Breathe! Breathe you, ridiculous little boy!”

I’m screaming and screaming. I can’t stop screaming. It hurts so bad and I can’t stop screaming. I don’t want to stop. If I stop I won’t be able to start again.

“Stop that! Find the connections. Match the rhythm. KEEEP. THAT. INSIDE.”

**ITHURTSITHURTSITHURTSITHURTS**!

“You drug yourself back this far, my boy. I didn’t do that. Just a little further and we’ll put you back together. Good as new. Better even.”

**I’m falling again**.

* * *

* * *

**“Nice ring, professor. Did someone propose?”**

**“Hello, ____________. I’m sorry to say you’ve found the wrong Inari again.”**

**“Considering how often you take over Professor Tsukishima’s office I’m starting to doubt that.”**

**“Can I help you with something, ___________?”**

**“Still so nervous around me.”**

**“Can you blame me?”**

**After what you did?**

**“Shall I come back another time then?”**

**“... You want back into the vault again don’t you?”**

* * *

* * *

“I do hope you’ll enjoy the gift. I made it just for you, Kufufufufu~ I’ve been waiting so patiently to repay you.”

A web of cracking orange light. Bursting forth from beneath the skin.

* * *

* * *

“ **That’s just about enough of that.”**

* * *

* * *

“Hello, my boy,” Grandpa smiles down at me the light reflecting off of the round wireframe glasses perched atop his head. His eyes narrow as his smile widens, “How nice to see you again. Not pushing yourself too hard I hope?”

I blink hard to try to clear the blurriness and the spots of light that are just kind of floating around.

“Did I just get struck by LIGHTNING? Am I DEAD!?”

Reborn is going to be so pissed at me if I just fucking died after telling him that I was going to be fine. That I would see him soon. Not to mention the sad, devastated face Tsuna is going to make. And all our friends. It’s nice to have people care about me, but still.

OH GOD, THIS IS AWFUL!

I didn’t even get to punch Mukuro in his stupid fucking face!

“Don’t worry, you’re not dead,” Grandpa chuckles, as he pours a cup of tea. “Not now at least. I thought I would drop in. I see you’ve been making friends.”

I slowly lever myself up, not taking my eyes off him.

“Grandpa?” My voice is pitchy and punched out.

He pauses and puts the teapot back down on the table. The kitchen table that’s in his old house. The one where I sat with him so many times. Where he taught me D&D. Where his friends would come and gather every week. Where he would help Mama with taxes and they would talk about the music. Where he would hold Tsuna in his lap when he got so frustrated with not understanding and would break down in tears.

His smile softens.

I barrel into him throwing my arms around his midsection and press my face into the deep blue peacoat that he always wore. It smells like him. Like rosewood and smoke and spice.

“I missed you,” I sob, “I missed you!”

His arms wrap around my shoulders and he holds me there for a long, long moment as I blubber like a baby.

“I know, my boy,” he says, pulling back to look me in the eyes.

I can’t quite focus on his face. But that hardly matters because Grandpa is HERE.

“But I never went far.”

He reaches out and wipes the tears out of my eyes. The cold metal of his ring brushing against my cheek in a familiar way.

“You're really looking much better, Inari. You and Tsunayoshi both. I am so proud of how far you both have come since those disgusting apes tried to destroy you.”

A flash of memory, more vivid than it usually is.

_Hands force me down to the ground and hold me there._

_He’s so much bigger than I am and he’s holding me down he’s hurting me._

_And Tsuna stopped screaming. He’s not making any sound._

_What have you done to my brother!?_

_Why would you do that!? How could you!?_

_DADDY! DADDY HELP!!_

_He smiles._

_And-_

“Don’t go there, dear boy,” Grandpa says gently, and I let him coax me back to this space, “Fight one monster at a time. Be smart with your attacks. You have to be careful how much you use.”

“R-right.”

He nods and pulls away briefly, “Though you’re more than you were. I had thought that would be impossible.”

My vision is filled with orange and static.

He nods and he leads me back over to the table where he picks up his teacup and sips from it.

“Your enemy is stronger than he should be,” Grandpa’s voice goes cold and flat, “All illusionists are stronger than they should be, I wonder if you’ve noticed?”

He waves a hand in a slow circular motion and suddenly the kitchen vanishes in a blast of indigo fire and flame.

My hands spark.

He rests a hand on my shoulder and pulls me close to his side.

The world remakes itself and we’re standing on a familiar street. And I watch as a girl dressed in a chicken suit leads my brother around. The world bending around her to create strange obstacles to confuse him.

I remember this.

“Ordinarily, untrained mists like little Haru would have no chance to do something like this. Were things in balance as they should be she would have remained dormant. An ordinary girl,” He chuckles a little, “well as ordinary as Kimiko’s spawn could be.”

How do you know Haru? I want to ask but I don’t have the time because the scene is shifting again.

We’re in another familiar place.

A moment that I would rather forget.

I watch from an external perspective as Mukuro, in the body of Arno Estraeno, wrenches my arm completely out of place as I desperately try to get away from him. The large indigo moon hangers in the sky and everything is covered in indigo gridding and light.

“I am sorry, my boy,” Grandpa says, his voice thick with regret. He spins his heavy metal ring around his finger. “I wanted to help more, but I needed to see.”

He slowly rotates a finger counterclockwise and the scene slows and stops. He starts walking toward where Mukuro has past-me pinned to the ground. Past me that no longer looks anything like me. I look like some sort of dog-faced demon misshapen and malformed and oozing something that looks viral and violet.

It’s what my family saw. When they had looked at me at that moment.

“He did this from the other side of the world. He created illusions so perfect that even the surreality of them could not and would not be questioned by those who could have done something.”

Grandpa reaches out and makes another hand motion and suddenly were back in the kitchen seated at opposite sides of the table. A game board is set out between us. Dice and figurines sit motionless on the board. And in the center is a great howling chasm that goes down and down and down.

Six glowing pieces.

Getting dragged closer and closer to the abyss. Light being leached from them.

A seventh that is just screaming and bleeding.

“I thought it was what I did.”

“What?” I ask tearing my eyes away from the screaming void.

Though I still can’t quite see his face clearly I know he is giving me a sad smile.

“Though in a way it is still my fault. Trusting Juno or her daughters to do what has needed to be done. What still needs to be done. Sacrifice was never in her nature. Always a touch to self-serving,” He stares down at the strange game board, “I did love that about her though, once.”

Everything about this place this moment is so off-putting, so strange. So fucking bittersweet that it hurts. It feels like we’re skipping parts and missing pieces. I keep meaning to speak but I can’t I don’t want to interrupt him.

I don’t want him to leave again.

There is a screaming noise from the game board and a flash of panic rushes through me. One of the pieces is dragged toward the chasm and before I think I’ve reached out and dragged it back into orbit with the others.

But it’s heavy.

It’s so heavy.

When I have it aligned again I’m panting from the exertion.

And Grandpa is staring at me with an odd look on the face that I can’t see.

“Do you really want to take responsibility for that Thing?”

“A person isn’t a thing!” I snap back before I can stop myself.

He chuckles, “A matter of perspective, dear boy. Don’t be so quick to assign personhood to inferior creatures. They have task and they will fulfil it until they break.”

I glare at him.

I hate it when he says things like this.

“Am I just a Thing to you too?” I demand.

A hand brushes my hair out of my face affectionately, “You’re always such a messy child. Bleeding your feelings all over the place.”

“And you shattered against so many axis,” He continues softly. “The fact that you’re standing here... you’re determination never ceases to amaze me.”

He reaches out and taps one of the pieces thoughtfully. Before changing the subject. Like he always does when someone other than him has a good point.

“Thanks to you I know where the deficit is. The reciprocal isn’t matched the machine cannot function properly without receiving the proper payment. It will have to be recalibrated sooner than later or you will be seeing more than monstrous things and monsters.”

“I don’t think I understand what’s going on here,” I finally admit looking around the space that is becoming stranger and stranger with each passing second. I look down at my hands and see the sparkling gloves. And then I see other hands that are mine but are longer. Other hands that are mine but are smaller. Other hands that are wearing a ring-

“Of course not,” he grins, “It’s not an answer it’s a hint.”

I narrow my eyes at him suspiciously, “You don’t give hints for free. What’s the catch?”

He laughs, “No catch, you’ve already paid in full for this.”

My shoulders stiffen and I look at him in alarm, “I don’t remember paying for anything.”

“You found the problem, and, as best as you could you have stepped into a role that has been ill tended to for a very long time.”

He takes my hands in his larger ones.

“Worry not, dear boy, I will deal with the THING.”

And his mouth moves, but I can’t hear the words that he’s saying. I can’t hear it, but I know that whatever it made my blood run cold.

It makes me angry.

“I said don’t call them THINGS.”

The world starts going dark and fading out.

“It seems we’ve run out of time, my boy,” He says cheerfully, “Do be careful hunting your monster. Even I’m not entirely certain how powerful the imbalance has made him.”

.

.

.

“Give my love to Tsunayoshi and Nana.”

.

.

.

“I think, next time, we should have some Ramen.”

* * *

* * *

“WAKE UP YOU STUPID FUCKING KID!”

Ow~

My head is buzzing~

**Focus up.**

“Snap out of it! If you die on me he’s going to fucking kill me. Or send me back to prison. And I’m not going back to prison!”

I blink. Sort of. My eyes feel sticky and blah.

Everything is blurry but I can make out what looks like a white coat and that voice is both familiar and irritating.

“Bwa?”

Shamal smacks me across the face.

“Sunava’bitch!” I cough and sputter bolting upright to a seated position, “What kind of doctor are you!?”

And whoa~

**Did anyone get the license plate number of that truck?**

Wouldn’t you remember something like that?

**So says the idiot who can’t even remember how old he is.**

Everything is all super bright and spinny.

“THE KIND THAT IS SICK AND FUCKING TIRED OF THE DUMBASS THAT KEEPS ELECTROCUTING HIMSELF!”

“Your head looks like octopus feet,” I giggle.

Shamal just stares at me. Not that I particularly care at this moments. I’m somewhat distracted by the beautiful humming in the air and the sudden consuming fear that my skeleton is going to crawl out of me.

“Could my bones go dancing without me?” I wonder out loud. “You’re supposed to keep those on the inside right? Can’t move without bones.”

Everything’s starting to look all wibbly-wobbly around the edges as colors blend together and the lightning under my skin starts bumping up against the insides that hurt. The edges are burnt and charred.

Stop.

Don’t think about it.

Don’t think about what?

“I don’t think it works like that, but maybe it does? Or would we both just fall to pieces if we aren’t mushed together?”

Shamal smacks me hard across the face...

Again.

“Ow! Fuck! Why!?” I whine, as suddenly the pleasant humming vanishes and the buzzing voltage under my skin gets somewhat more painful. I’m suddenly extremely aware that I’m laying on the somewhat wet cement underneath the floral themed awning of Yamazaki-san’s flower shop.

Wasn’t there something about flowers?

Yes?

Why do I feel drunk and hungover at the same time?

“Snap out of it, kid!” Shamal snaps, “You are not losing your mind on my watch. That fucking prick will send me back to prison. And I am NOT. GOING. BACK. TO. PRISON!”

He abruptly grabs me by my arm and hauls me to my feet. And it takes a truly Herculean effort to keep my stomach from crawling up my throat and expelling itself on to the pavement so that it can flop around like a fish.

Good job me~

Unfortunately, my brain and my feet can’t seem to work out between them which direction my blood should be flowing. So I momentarily blackout and end up dangling in his grip like a disobedient doll.

“That’s it. I’m taking you to Reborn. He can deal with it.”

“Greeeeaaaattttt~” I slur, “I was going to see him anyway. Reborn’s my friend you know?”

“Fan-fucking-tastic,” Shamal snipes, “He’s going to a fucking delight isn’t he?”

And proceeds to haul me up and over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes.

“He’s always a delight,” I agree with absolute sincerity.

“In your mind and to literally no one else on the face of the planet.”

He starts walking and I start to notice something wriggling on the ground.

“There are maggots on the sidewalk.”

Shamal stops for a brief moment, his shoulders stiffening.

“No, there’s actually not. But that’s not the most concerning thing that’s happening today. Seriously kid you picked just about the worst time to pull one of your shitty stunts.”

He starts walking again and my stomach lurches with each step that he takes. Looking at the imaginary maggots wiggling around on the ground isn’t helping either.

“I’m going to throw up,” I moan.

“Throw up on me and I will stitch your irritating mouth shut.”

“God, you’re such a fucking ass. Why does Miki-chan like you so much?”

“A kid like you could never understand the bond that forms from the carnal joining of two bodies becoming one. The exchange of heat, and breath, and-“

“Good orgasms then?” I cut him off before I’m forced to listen to any more of his terrible ode to sexual congress.

We pass through the hotel door, breaking off from the trail of imaginary maggots that seems to go further into the city. Goodbye, creepy worms. I hope I never have to see you again.

I wave at the cute concierge who looks back at me with obvious concern.

Yeah, I mush look pretty alarming right now.

Doing good for having been struck by actual literal lightning though, so good job... I guess?

“It sounds so wrong to hear a tiny kid like you say the word ‘orgasm,’” Shamal says as the elevator doors slide closed.

“I’m older than you,” I grumble at him petulantly.

“Jesus, you really fried yourself didn’t you?”

The elevator dings and I stare at the plush red carpets as Shamal walks us down the familiar hallway to the familiar door.

And then I am unceremoniously tossed onto a familiar couch as Doll-Face yelps and dodges out of the way.

“Weeeeeeee~” I warble as a whole bunch of voices start talking all at once.

I blink, and suddenly Reborn is standing there... upside down... or am I upside down?

I think I might be the one who’s upside down on the couch considering we are somehow at eye level.

“Hi,” I grin at him crookedly.

Reborn looks GLORIOUSLY furious with me.

“Five minutes,” he says placidly, “Five minutes, what can happen in five minutes?”

He reaches out and twists a cluster of my somewhat charred and extra floofy hair between his fingers, “Apparently, you can somehow set yourself on fire during a rainstorm.”

The melody that plays between us kicks on louder and clearer than it has ever been.

“To be fair,” I giggle, “It was lightning. And I’m pretty sure getting struck by lightning constitutes an act of God and that is somewhat outside my ability to control. Had a crazy out of body experience though so I might have actually been dead for a second the-“

And that is about all I’m able to get out because Reborn absolutely snarls and presses a small hand to the back of my neck and I am absolutely flooded with sunshine and light. More than he has ever used before.

And

Oh boy.

Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy~

Sunshine, you’ve been holding out on me.

I blink my vision clear again. This time everything stays stable. The pieces in my head slot back together. Something that was burnt and cauterized inside breathes and grows and sparkles with something that feels less like knives bouncing around inside me.

Reborn is staring at his hand with a look of petrification and horror. His melody breaks and shatters against itself as he descends into what feels like a complete panic meltdown.

WhathaveIdone!?

Shamal really isn’t making this any better with his unnecessarily dramatic commentary about burning people alive.

I flick the brim of Reborn’s fedora to get his attention.

“Well that’s a dire expression, dude,” I say, as I flip myself into a more upright position. Making sure to kick Shamal off the couch as I do.

“JESUS FUCKING CHRIST!” He shrieks face planting into the carpet.

I choose to ignore him. I think I have spent more than enough time listening to Shamal’s bullshit today. Thanks for hauling me around like a sack of potatoes, I’ve got it from here.

Doll-Face, Romario, and the short woman with dark curls who I assume is Paula are sitting around the dining room table staring at us.

I wave.

Dino waves back weakly.

Seriously, what is wrong with everyone today?

“You’re alright,” Reborn breathes. He appears on the arm of the sofa next to me and catches my face between his small hands.

I quirk an eyebrow at him, but let him manhandle me a bit. It seems to be making him feel better. I don’t really know what all the drama is about. He’s worked his beautiful sunshine magic on me lots of times now.

“Yup, all good,” I smile crookedly at him, “Thanks for fixing me up.”

And, because I’m an actual brat. And because I have no impulse control. And because he still doesn’t seem entirely convinced of my aliveness; I not so sneakily reach out and bap one of his curly sideburns making it frizz with a poof of glitter and electricity.

I love it.

“Impossible brat.”

Shamal snorts loudly.

“As far as I’m concerned you’re both freaks of nature.”

Reborn does that thing where he smiles, but the smile says ‘I’m going to fucking shoot you in the ass you piece of shit.’

“Thank you for the commentary Shamal. Your opinion has been noted.”

“And subsequently ignored,” I add on cheerfully.

Romario decides to take this moment of calm to approach from team Cavallone with a big towel for me to dry off with. Since I’m still, you know, soaking wet.

“Thank you, to you and Decimo for taking care of the Boss in our absence.”

“It was a team effort, dude,” I tell him with a wink, “I’m just glad that you’re not all dead. You had us pretty fucking worried for a bit there that —AHHHHHHHHH!”

I trail off into a scream as the rest of my brain finally comes back online and I remember the very important thing.

“HOLY FUCK CASSANDRA!”

Poor Romario leaps about a foot in the air and everyone else into the hotel room is suddenly on high alert looking around for the woman who has come to inspire such terror in all of our hearts.

“What!? What about her?!” Dino demands.

Fuck.

Fuck, fuck, fuck!

“I swear to god I don’t mean to do shit like this,” I babble pleadingly.

“Premonition?” Reborn asks.

I turn to him and very deliberately shake my head. Because, no, that had not been a premonition.

“Monello.”

“She was across the street. I saw her and then I was kind of distracted by the whole getting randomly struck by lightning thing, but she was there. Oh shit, I need to call Tsuna. I need to call Tsuna right now-“

The phone is ringing before I finish talking. My heart is pounding in my ears, and I am about five seconds away from a full out panic attack of my own if Tsuna doesn’t answer the phone right now!

“Inari!” Tsuna answers, panicked and out of breath, “Where are you!?”

He shouldn’t be shouting.

He should still be in class.

“I’m at the hotel, where are you?”

Reborn, who is already on high alert thanks to EVERYTHING, leaps onto my shoulder so that he can better listen in. I tilt the receiver so that he can hear too.

“We’re at Takeshi’s place. Yamamoto-san picked us up...”

“Good, stay there. I saw Cassandra on my way here. So chances are our long wait is over and shit is about to pop off.”

There is quiet on the other line.

“Tsu? You there?”

“Inari... Is Reborn with you?”

I don’t like the tone in his voice.

I don’t like that I can hear the mournful sound of a trumpet from clear across the city. Gentle and protective.

“Yeah, he’s here.”

“What’s wrong, Dame-Tsuna?”

“Good, um, the school shut down early because something happened.”

“Tsuna I swear to God I’m about to have a heart attack.”

“A first-year girl found Yamada Daichi’s head outside the main entrance.”

.

.

.

“What? No. That doesn’t make sense. I just saw Daichi. He and some of the other DC guys were following-“

Me.

They were following ME.

“Inari, breathe,” Reborn’s hand presses gently at the nape of my neck and I finally manage to draw in a sharp and painful gasp of air.

I can hear Takeshi sobbing in the background. Because if that’s true... That’s Yamada-sempai. We played baseball with him for years. We went to the same elementary school.

And we always had our little spats because he was a stickler for the rules, but I never hated him. He was always my friend. Our friend. Even when he put on his Disciplinary Committee badge and gave us a hard time.

He had been pissed at Me and Takeshi for quitting the team.

Said we were going full delinquent.

Fuck.

Kyoya is going to lose his fucking mind.

**Find him before he does something stupid and gets himself killed.**

“Hayato managed to get a look at it, before we were all sent home,” Tsuna continues, “He said someone had shoved flowers into his eyes...”

“Viscaria,” I hear Hayato’s voice cut in.

An invitation to dance.

“I̸ ̵a̷m̴ ̸a̶b̵s̴o̴l̶u̵t̷e̵l̵y̸ ̸g̷o̵i̶n̶g̶ ̵t̴o̵ ̶k̶i̵l̴l̶ ̸t̴h̴a̸t̴ ̴f̶u̷c̶k̶e̶r̵.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Condition Update: DEFCON 1
> 
> Shit is about to hit the fan and Inari is just about ready to throw down with the devil. The enemy is knocking on the door now. 
> 
> Now if only our disaster boy could keep things straight in his own head. 
> 
> As always I love hearing from you all! So let me know Questions? Comments? Theories?
> 
> See you next week!


	29. The Anatomy of a Monster (Part two)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> DON’T SPLIT THE PARTY, IDIOT!

There is blood on the ground.

On her hands.

In her hair.

It’s sticky and hot, and she watches as the rainwater washes it away down the drain. It vanishes in a swirl of red and pink and foam and plasma. And the little hearts that had been pumping the blood.

They’re all in a neat row on the sidewalk.

The manager had let her draw her sword. He had let her pull it from its scabbard and she had torn through those boys like they were nothing more than paper dolls. They shred into perfect pieces. Three of them don’t even realize that they’re dead until they try to strike her back.

They fall to pieces.

Because Cassandra was strong.

Is strong.

And yet she is so weak and helpless that she sickens herself.

‘They’re only children!’ She wails silently.

‘So were we,’ the manager snarls, as he raises her arms again.

And six boys fall to pieces as he, as she, as they reduce life to meat and hot sticky blood.

It’s on her hands.

In her hair.

And if she had the power too she would vomit. She would purge this creature from her. Him and his burrowing insects.

She scratches her arm, and they fall to the pavement in a slithering soundless conglomerate.

She’s entirely mad now, isn’t she?

She looks at her arm and it perfectly unblemished.

She looks at her arm and it’s a honeycomb hive of sucking holes.

She looks again and the rainwater is washing away the blood.

‘They were bothering him,’ the boy says as he uses her hands to pick up ahead, ‘threatening him. He doesn’t like that sort of thing. He never did.’

He tosses the head to Joshua, who never stops crying now. He’s in so much pain. All of the children are in so much pain. And the reason she can’t bring herself to hate the boy entirely is that he tries so hard to keep them all working.

Joshua cradles the head with hands that are too big for his little body and gently brushes the hair from this nameless child’s face before giving him a kiss on the forehead.

“Go-Od-Ni-Ght-Ki-SSs-Ar-e-Im-pOrt-AnT,” he stutters, “To-NY Sa-Ys.”

And it breaks her heart.

It breaks her fucking heart. All of these horrific and tragic things. Held together by madness and stubbornness and malice.

And love.

They don’t understand. None of them do. Because the Estraeno had been in the business of making weapons and the children were just casing to them.

The manager moves her and she picks up an arm. And another and another.

He had turned the first victim into a bouquet. An invitation. And she had handed it to poor little Hanna who is falling to pieces more and more.

An offering and a threat.

‘I’m doing this for him,’ and she feels a hot flash of want and desire as his thoughts turn, ‘that’s what we do, right? Guard the sky against threats?’

The want is still so jarring.

He wants like boys want.

Wants like men want.

Wants to take and bend and break and hold.

Wants to protect and provide and consume.

Cassandra is no stranger to want. She had wanted Federico desperately, but that had been a softer want, a loving want.

Not whatever this is.

Cassandra doesn’t know Inari Sawada, but somehow she doubts he would be the kind of Sky that would ask for the blood of children. Federico would never forgive for something so vile.

He had always loved children. He had wanted desperately to be Daddy to their child. To be a softer home than the one he had grown up in.

He had never forgiven Timoteo when he had discovered what his father had done to those boys.

What he had done to his own son.

Because Federico had loved Xanxus. And when his little brother had been killed by their father he had sworn not to let that go.

Federico had followed that breadcrumb trail straight to the skeleton in Timoteo’s closet. And he had told her. EVERY. SINGLE. DETAIL. Because there were no secrets between them. Because she was his security plan.

...

There are no words for what that man had done to Inari Sawada. And even now when she has seen it for herself she finds it hard to believe that anyone could commit such a heinous act. To violate a person, a child, in such a way.

Cassandra doesn’t understand why he would bother to go on after that.

‘Of course, YOU don’t,’ the boy snaps. “You’re weak, Kufufufufu~”

She regrets telling him. Regrets telling him about guardians and the Sky. Regrets telling him about the twins.

But he had asked, and at the time she didn’t care. So she had told him the story that Federico had told her. The tragedy of the Sawada Twins. He hadn’t particularly cared at first. They were an annoyance.

An inconvenience.

Tsunayoshi was a tool that the manager would eventually use and the other...

A husk of spare parts.

.

.

.

“ **ABRA KA FUCK YOU**!”

She still remembers the burst of light and the fissures that formed across his face as he screamed.

And when he stopped screaming orange light still shone through the cracks in his skin.

And then he stared.

And then he smiled.

As the shards of harmony took root inside of him.

‘Can you hear the drums?’

She remembers how he had licked his lips.

‘Can you hear them~’

Cassandra wonders what Inari had done to weaponize himself so completely. Harmony was never meant to be a blade but he had made it one. It must be painful on the inside. Sharp and stabbing.

While his brother had suffocated a flame smothered in a glass case. Unable or unwilling to break free.

‘I would have,” the boy says petulantly as she watches arms connect to arms connect to arms connect to the lumbering horror that they had brought with them. Stitched together with indigo fire. With illusions so perfect that they might as well have been real.

‘A gift,’ the boys says, ‘of our enemies.’

She looks upon it and she’s afraid.

It’s not like the children.

This golem was not a child.

She recognizes some of the faces.

She recognizes some of the hands.

She recognizes some of the flames that they cling to even in death.

They call them Dying Will Flames for a reason after all.

“HA-HI!”

A squeak of fear sounds from behind them. Cassandra hears it, the boy does not, he’s too busy playing god with his new creation. She deliberately doesn’t look. She doesn’t react. She just keeps looking straight ahead at a familiar face.

She watches as a set of dark eyes open behind of curtain of matted and muddy hair that was once honey blonde. The armless torso rises the head lifts. A pulse of blue light ripples through the alleyway and the world slows.

And Gabriella Sinclair mouths one word.

‘RUN.’

.

.

.

Gabby had always been something else.

And Cassandra turns as she hears, as he hears, the footfalls slamming against the pavement as they make their escape.

“Kufufufufu~” He laughs, though it comes out of her throat and it feels wrong, “Ken, be a good boy and fetch.”

Ken hops down from the ledge above them and grins with his scared and etched gums. Because the Estraeno had been the kind of monsters that had ripped out all of a little boy's baby teeth and then started digging deeper to rip out all the rest.

He slots the cartridge into his mouth. Fangs that pulse with drugs and flames. Bones crack and muscles tear until he’s bigger and longer.

Ken brushes up against her side and the boy scratches his scalp.

The manager is very fond of his dog.

“You got it, boss!” He says and clears the alleyway in a single bound.

When he’s out of sight the smile falls off her face and he presses up further. He presses her back. And she feels the cracking and burning sensation spread across her face as the scars of harmony break upon her.

And she hears the drumbeat louder and louder and louder.

He looks at Gabriella and SMILES.

“Kufufufufu~ You shouldn’t be awake,” He says mockingly, “And look at all that energy that you’re wasting. Bad girl.”

Ruined, and broken, and mutilated as she is Gabriella glares down at them from her place fixed to the monstrosity of limbs and bodies and crystals and stitches.

She spits right in his face.

“Rot... in... hell...”

In an instant, Joshua is screaming as the boy rips a long crystal from his poor twisted spine and stabs it into Gabriella’s torso.

She chokes and gags as it presses into what might have once been organs and Cassandra watches as the shard starts to consume and grow and the body goes limp and dormant as the tranquility of rain is feasted upon by feelingless hunger.

“I’ve already done that,” He giggles.

Cassandra has no frame of reference for the thought patterns and images that flash through her mind at that. It’s like something tickling her brain. Tiny feet crawling through her grey matter. Eating the electrical impulses before they become what they should become. It happens whenever the boy starts talking about the lives that he’s lived.

When his madness truly starts showing through.

The entire massive monstrosity shudders and takes a lumbering step, and another, and another. Breaking her out of her train of thought and fixing her attention upon it.

“Chikusa, take Joshua and Hanna and see if you can root out the rest of our trouble makers.”

“Yes, Mukuro, sir.”

Cassandra watches as the dead-eyed boy collects the massive and oozing Hanna and the sobbing Joshua and heads toward the end of the alley.

She’s tired.

She doesn’t want to do this anymore. It was easier to follow this plan of vengeance when she was wretched and angry. But now she just feels wretched and wants to go to sleep. She just wants to sleep forever and go to Federico and their baby.

She wonders if he’s named them? She had never been able to think of a name to give them.

She can’t wait to meet them.

But first, she needs to finish what she started.

It’s her vengeance after all, even though it’s twisted so far out of her control. Even if she hates every minute of it she needs to see this through to the end.

Whatever that end might be.

* * *

* * *

There is something to be said about the emotional whiplash that I have been experiencing today. But I’m fairly certain the endpoint where I’m swearing bloody vengeance against Mukuro is the absolute apex zenith of FEELINGS. I think I’ve pretty much cycled through the entire spectrum today.

And have now settled into a murderous rage.

With a dash of devastation and anxiety for flavor.

“I need an oyster fork,” I demand of the room at large.

“What?” Tsuna asks, his voice going pitchy through the receiver.

“Why?” Dino chimes in, and then promptly gets smacked across the head by a very irritated Paula.

“Idiota!”

“Ow! Paula, be gentle with me, Bellissima,” Doll-Face whines, “I’m still injured~”

Because obviously, neither of them paid attention to mafia etiquette. Reborn had been fairly clear when Lambo had asked.

Though Tsuna might have been distracted by the manic time traveler covered in blood. And Dino hadn’t been present for that bit of fuckery with the time-space continuum. Though considering he spent years as Reborn’s student and attended an actual mafia high school.

Mafia high school sounds like a fucking trip.

“Blood vengeance,” I declare simply, “I am going to stab that psychotic fuck in his balls and feed them to him! I am going to make him regret the day he decided to fuck with us!”

“NO BLOOD VENGEANCE!” Tsuna screams through the receiver, as I start snapping my fingers toward Doll-Face and his minions who are conveniently located by the kitchenette.

‘Bring to me an oyster fork so I can officially declare blood vengeance upon my enemy,’ I don’t say, but I think they get the gist of it because at the very least Romario starts looking through the drawers.

Dino has such accommodating minions. I’ll have to get them a present after all this bullshit.

“Yes blood vengeance,” I shoot back at him.

Of course, this constitutes vengeance. There is no way in hell that Mukuro is getting away with killing an innocent teenager. Daichi was an asshole sometimes, but he did not deserve to have something that horrible and grotesque happen to him.

He didn’t deserve to be turned into pieces and put on display.

None of them did. And I have a terrible sinking feeling that I know EXACTLY what happened to all of them.

My eyes sting with hot tears that I have been holding back and I sniffle pathetically.

I hate this.

I hate this so much.

And it’s my fault.

It’s MY FAULT.

They were following me.

Cassandra was following me.

And now Daichi is dead, they all might be dead.

And Kyoya is in trouble. Obviously, Mukuro had been paying attention to the Cave Troll who was mowing through his weird crystal minions without so much as breaking a sweat. So I guess this was the contingency plan. Because they obviously know his weakness. If that umbrella of hers is anything to go by she knows that he’s infected with that stupid sickness that Shamal concocted for him.

Why the fuck did he have to do a thing like that anyway?! It seems so pointlessly vindictive and unnecessary. And now it's going to be a huge fucking handicap for my Tank.

I rely on my nemesis to be an unstoppable force the like of which the world has never seen. Because I know when push comes to shove he has my back. He’s Namimori’s unstoppable watchdog, or well, he will be one day.

I glare at Shamal from across the room and he’s.... extremely twitchy and suspicious-looking over by the window. He keeps glancing outside and looking down at his phone and back again.

Weird.

Romario appears next to me shifting my focus as he holds out a fistful of various forks of different designs. He looks frazzled and apologetic all at once, shrugging when I take the pointy bouquet from him.

“Thanks, Dude.”

“Inari, what are you even DOING!?” Tsuna demands, anxiety ringing clearly in his voice. “You don’t even know who did it.”

“Of course I know who did it,” I snap, and I immediately feel even worse than I did before. Tsuna’s dealing with this shit too.

Fuck me.

I’m not there to protect him and that is just...

Fuck me. Of all the days to mess up so very spectacularly.

Tsuna must have had his own moment of hyper-intuition today. Why else would he have suddenly been so interested in our plot to take on the dungeon boss?

And he had been nervous about me taking off too.

I never should have left him.

It’s my job to protect him.

It’s what I do.

Why did I leave?

Reborn kneads the back of my neck with his hand as I start sobbing in earnest. The phone slips out of my grip and he grabs it easily and takes over the conversation with Tsuna.

I need a minute.

I need a fucking minute.

I press my free hand against my mouth and just try to breathe calmly through my nose. It’s not working. I’m still sort of hyperventilating. I clench the fistful of forks in my other hand until the metal starts to press painfully into the palm of my hand.

I’m peripherally aware of Dino, Romario, and Paula talking between themselves. Dino keeps trying to pull himself up, and Paula and Romario keep pushing him back down into his chair. All things considered, he’s probably about ready to throw down with Cassandra too. Though that might not be a super great idea, all things considered, what with the massive hit his stamina stat has taken with the loss of the kidney. And I don’t even know how bad the loss of depth perception will fuck with his already fucked up dexterity.

He might get a bonus for having some of his party back with him, but I’m still worried about him.

And Shamal is now skirting the room to get back to the sitting room and the door. And if I wasn’t super suspicious of his behavior before I really am now. But at the same time, I really don’t have the emotional capacity to react to this bit of bullshit now.

Reborn keeps rubbing his thumb gently on the back of my neck as he gives Tsuna and the rest of our party the lowdown on the Cassandra sighting, getting more details on what the hell happened at the school. And this little show of support. This anchor that he’s giving me is about the only thing that is keeping me from running out the door in a mad rage.

I’m really fucking glad that he’s taken over because I’m really about one step away from a massive nervous breakdown.

And I’m still fucking crying and I can’t seem to stop.

A long green tendril reaches out and wipes some of the tears away from my eyes. And it feels like power and light and sounds like a choir of angels.

**Oh, Darling** , Leon says, **I’m sorry that you’re always hurting so badly.**

I just shake my head, and let myself get caught by the stabilizing violin. It’s strange to think, but we’ve done this scene before. Or something like it. Months ago when we were first trying to figure out what was going on. And Reborn’s friends had been torn to pieces when they had tried to infiltrate the Estraeno compound.

**Don’t worry** , he continues, **We have you now.**

Why would Mukuro need so many pieces? Where do all these monsters keep coming from? How could someone do this to people?

What gives him the right to hurt people like this!?

And why do I have the nagging feeling that I’m forgetting something important?

Then I just about jump out of my skin as Tsuna snaps something with much more aggression than I ever thought he would ever be able to muster while talking to Reborn. Sunshine’s aura goes dangerous.

“I will give you a pass this time, Dame-Tsuna, considering the circumstances,” Reborn says, his voice going eerily placid. “But if you ever speak to me like that again I’ll make sure to train you until you can’t even scream anymore.”

“Hieeeee!” I hear Tsuna’s trademark whine come through the receiver as I finally manage to refocus on the present situation. “Just please-“

“You really have no idea who you’re dealing with here, Dame-Tsuna,” Reborn cuts him off before he can finish, “you just watch yourself until we get this situation under control. If you manage to get killed by someone like this it will reflect badly on me.”

I can’t help but snicker at that. Reborn does care about my Goofus brother, in his own sadistic way that Tsuna in no way shape or form appreciates or understands. It’s actually hilarious. One day they might get along, but I’m not going to hold my breath.

“Can I please talk to Inari again,” I hear Tsuna ask, much more politely this time, “please?”

Reborn gives me an asking look.

I nod, and he hands me back my phone and then hops off my shoulder, but he doesn’t go far. Back toward Dino and the others and he motions for me to follow him to the table.

“Hey, Bro-Bro,” I greet Tsuna, feeling somewhat more stable now, and I casually follow Reborn.

“I know you want to go run off and pick a fight on your own,” He says, “Don’t even try to deny it, because I know you and I know what you’re like. But I really need to not go running off and getting killed. So promise me.”

I pull the phone away from my head and give it an incredulous look. There is no way he can expect me to just leave this. Not when Daichi has been killed and there are six more who are in mortal peril.

Not when Kyoya and Tetsuya are out there.

Not when I know that my friends are being deliberately targeted.

Not when the two of us are apart from each other and I can’t protect Tsuna.

“Tsu, I can’t-“

“I’m not asking you to just sit there,” Tsuna soothes, “I’m just asking you not to go running off on your own. You always get hurt when you’re alone and I can’t take that again Inari... I can’t...”

Oh, great. Now he’s all sniffly too. Aren’t we just the roughest, toughest twins on the block? A couple of fucking crybabies now and forever. Not that we haven’t earned the right to cry about this shit.

“I won’t,” I warble, “I promise... You all better stay safe too. And make sure that Takeshi doesn’t run off on his own either. He’s going to try you know.”

Takeshi, while generally, a laid back kind of guy has a tendency to fly off the handle and make some truly terrible life choices in moments of heightened emotions. Tsuna knows some of this. But I feel it bears repeating, particularly since Takeshi and Yamada-sempai were actually pretty tight.

He’s my bestest best friend. My brother from another mother and I need to be sure that Tsuna will watch out for him while I’m not there.

“I know,” Tsuna affirms, “He already tried. Hayato and Kyoko-chan managed to tackle him and sit on him until Tsuyoshi-san picked us up. He kind of has him pinned right now.”

“Still keep an eye on him, okay? He’ll do a thing where he smiles and pretends that he’s fine and then he’ll go totally batshit and- You know what? Can you just hold the phone up to him for a second?”

“S-sure.”

“Thanks! Love you, Tsu.”

“... I love you too?”

There is shuffling for a few moments and then I clearly hear the sound of Takeshi’s ragged breathing and Yamamoto-san’s gentle yet firm voice.

“Takeshi~” I trill in his ear, “Takeshi! Takeshi! Takeshi!”

“Inari?” He asks, his voice thick with emotion and tears.

“You about ready to end this fucker, dude?” I ask, filling my own voice with manic upbeat cheer to offset the gloom and devastation that we’re both feeling right now. “Because I am about ready to end this fucker.”

“Mm-hum!” He hums brightly.

And, yeah, I know Takeshi well enough to HEAR the fucking gong in my head telling me that he’s about to fucking blow his lid.

“Cool, cool, cool,” I say and hop on to the table, “Just don’t go running off and stabbing people without me, kay? And you’re acting big brother now. You gotta watch out for Tsu and the others until I get there.”

“I’m pretty sure you’re the baby of the family, Inari,” Takeshi shoots back, still a little edgy. But I think I have successfully managed to refocus his priorities.

“I am older than all of you fucks,” I snark back at him.

“Mary, Mother of God, you really don’t let that go do you,” Shamal groans, as he teeters at the doorway looking like he’s having something of an existential crisis of his own.

I stick out my tongue at him.

“Maybe in your dreams,” Takeshi laughs.

“Yeah, dreams sounds about right. Anyway, you fucks better stay safe until we get there.”

“... Fine,”

“Love you, Bro, ~”

“Love you too.”

I end the call on that much happier note, not that there is much to be happy about right now. Everything has pretty dramatically gone to shit. I guess this is what happens when the planning phase is left up to me and I don’t think beyond ‘poke the dragon until it gets really pissed off at you.’

“It’s just a love fest with you isn’t it?” Shamal gripes, pressing his eyes with the palms of his hands. He’s leaning heavily in the doorway.

I glower at him. Or as best as I can muster when my eyes are all red and swollen from crying.

“What’s up, Doc?” I ask snidely, “You seem pretty jittery, did you get some of the imaginary maggots in your pants?”

He lets out a harsh bark of laughter, dropping his hands to his sides. The other half of the room that has yet to see the writhing pathway of illusory insects outside reacts with a mixture of confusion and revulsion.

“No, I’m having a FANTASTIC day. I love getting vaguely threatening phone calls from impossible numbers, following random impulses to run through thunderstorms to rescue idiots who get struck by lightning!”

The laughter turns shrill and a little bit more than a little bit concerning. Considering the circumstances and all of the aforementioned death.

“Shamal,” Reborn snaps.

“This is bad, Reborn,” Shamal continues shifting his attention completely onto Reborn, “And I’m telling you this because even though you’re an asshole you are also my ‘friend’ and I would prefer not to go through all the trouble of finding another friend that will put up with my level of bullshit.

“And, yes, I was listening in on your tragic phone call. Dead kids. Sad stuff. Really, kid, I feel for you,” He says it so blithely that I immediately get my hackles up. But he’s not even looking at me anymore, not really. He’s looking around the room with a manic intensity which is just distracting enough that I almost miss the flash of indigo fire in the palm of his hand.

I do not, however, miss the defending sound of the shotgun blast or the way drywall and plaster rain down from the ceiling. In an instant, I’m pulled back behind Romario and Paula and pressed against Doll-Face.

Dino looks like he’s just about as done with this as I am.

“Did you see me make this?” Shamal demands, gesturing madly with the shotgun in Reborn’s direction, “because I realize this isn’t your area of expertise by a long shot but I MADE THIS. I thought about it and suddenly IT. WAS. REAL. And I can’t DO this. THIS is IMPOSSIBLE!”

“I did,” Reborn answers quietly and calmly. Observing the shotgun with a look of intense concentration. I can’t entirely make out the scene crushed against Dino like I am. But I have memorized enough of Reborn’s vocal cues to pick up on the sardonic undertone.

And that, combined with the amazingly chill melody that he’s rocking (considering he had a shotgun barrel shoved in his face a minute ago) makes me relax more than anything else.

There are a lot of dangerous people in this room right now, and I have been reminded once again that Reborn is the most dangerous person in any room he steps into.

Paradoxically, that makes me feel even safer.

“Oh good, so then you can probably guess how bad this situation with our friend the Estraeno Illusionist actually is. This is part of the weird construct shit that Marco mentioned in his last message. I couldn’t do this yesterday. I shouldn’t be able to do this at all. This is all sorts of wrong. Illusions aren’t supposed to work this way. Something is wrong here. I mean, something is weird about this town in general. But this is bigger this is...wait...”

Shamal deflates visibly.

“You did,” he states vaguely, “you saw that... oh, you fucking prick, how bad is it?”

“Hey!” Dino snaps reflexively at the insult to his former tutor. Though I think he only caught onto the ‘prick’ thing and not the overt concern accompanied plucked out on a freaked out ukulele.

This is something of a jarring tonal shift.

Reborn shrugs, “It’s fine.”

“Fine,” Shamal repeats, “It’s ‘fine?’ Fifteen years and suddenly it’s ‘fine.’”

An odd note hits in Reborn’s melody. Not a bad one necessarily but an odd one. He glances over his shoulder and meets my eyes.

“It’s manageable,” he says simply, not breaking eye contact, “Though your... concern is appreciated.” 

Which I take as my cue to intervene in this terribly timed impromptu intervention that Shamal has decided to stage at the worst possible moment. Yes, thank you for this, we do have more important things to be worrying about right now. And not a single one of those include mind fucking Reborn with whatever this is.

I wiggle out of Dino’s grip and skirt around Romario and Paula until I’m standing next to Reborn. And then I just grin at Shamal. My ‘you have ten seconds to cease and desist this before I kick your ass’ grin. I’m not sure how well it comes off, I’m still feeling a bit wibbly.

I’m feeling a lot MORE in general.

Not in a bad way. In a wild technicolor way.

Things don’t hurt as much on the inside which is fantastic and I will look into that as soon as this bout of world-ending mayhem resolves.

“Yeah, Doc, imbalance in the force we know this already. Or have you just not been paying attention?”

I look down at Reborn who crooks an eyebrow at me. Which I’m going to take as ‘thank you, dear, for the interruption.’

**uh-huh.**

Sans the Dear.

**Uh-huh.**

Reborn would never call me Dear.

**Right.**

Shut up. I don’t have a crush.

**...**

“We gotta go, man,” I tell him, “I’ve got all sorts of bad feelings right now and there is no way that I’m leaving Tsu alone right now. And I would really rather not wait until the princess gets dragged off to the lair of the dragon and this turns into a literal dungeon crawl through enemy territory. That seems like it would be a little bit redundant.”

I stop my monologue to consider for a moment, “Though all things considered it would probably only be redundant for me and no one else. But, trust me, it would be redundant and that would be, among other things, boring.”

“We can’t have you bored, Monello,” Reborn chuckles, “That would spell disaster.”

“You better fucking believe it, dude. Daichi and the others didn’t die for a shitty fucking re-run.”

Reborn nods, and looks back at Shamal, “If you feel like making yourself useful today feel free, Shamal. As you said this still isn’t quite my ‘area of expertise’ and I’m not so proud that I would turn down your ‘expert assistance.’”

Leon morphs him his hand and it feels like the universe folding over on itself. The massive conversion of energy as gears shift and accelerate.

**Well** , Leon speaks vibrant and clear, **That really is something, Dear. I’ll make sure Ophiuchus gives his thanks as well.**

“Give me a second,” Dino says, “If we're going to fight Cas I need to put on some real pants.”

“What? You don’t think the heart boxers are intimidating enough?”

* * *

* * *

Haru runs.

She’s good at running she’s spent years building up her stamina. She runs in the annual Namimori marathon every year.

She knows not to look back when you are being chased.

She learned that from the Cult of Saint Bernard.

The road is slippery from all the rain that has been coming down. Her feet skid through a puddle and she braces before she hits the ground. Tucking her body into a ball and falling into a roll.

Forward momentum is what's going to save her from the snarling beast that is snapping at her heels.

“Get back here you stupid bitch!”

The very rude snarling beast. Haru has already decided that she doesn’t like him. And not because he is a strange dog boy. Well maybe because he’s a strange dog boy. Haru is really trying not to judge so quickly, but she thinks Inari-san will forgive her this time.

He had been standing with the awful boy from Doom Day... Haru doesn’t really understand what she saw in that alley but she saw that boy who had tried to take Futa-chan. Standing inside of a woman who was filled with holes and bugs.

She feels itchy and gross after only looking at her.

That’s a trypophobics worst nightmare.

And then there was that big thing.

That big thing that will make her throw up if she has to think of it any more.

Haru always liked monster movies and elaborate costumes. But something like that in real life was just wrong.

Wrong and terrible.

“Head her off you useless idiots!” Dog boy roars.

Haru’s heart is thundering in her chest now and she can see shadows out of the corners of her eyes. Sharp and pointy shadows. They remind her of the monsters that appeared on Doom Day. But somehow different. Worse.

Everything about this feels worse in a very bad way.

Something darts at her from out of an alley and she springs off of a lamppost just as it flickers to life in the growing darkness of the evening.

Haru rolls high on her athletic checks she always does.

Perception is hit and miss though, so she is trying to stay alert.

It shatters against the ground with a muted cry and it takes everything she has not to look back. Because to Haru that sounded like a child crying and she’s weak to that. But she doesn’t look back, because self-preservation instincts have taken over.

She needs to warn Tsuna-san.

Unfortunately, Haru had dropped her phone when the woman had looked at her. A limb of the disgusting tree of death had risen and the woman had looked at her and told her to run. And Haru had run.

She doesn’t know who that woman was. But in Haru’s mind, she’s a superhero. Even when they get the bad end a superhero is still a superhero. Haru hopes that nothing like that ever happens to her, but if it does, if it DOES, she hopes that she can be just as cool in the face of absolute defeat.

Another one of those things flys past her head and slams into the road in front of her and Haru has to skid to a halt before she slams into the rapidly growing wall of sharp and jagged crystal.

No.

This is bad, this is bad, this is bad!

She looks around frantically for something, but there is crystal growing everywhere, and something in the back of her mind is telling her not to touch it. Not to let it touch her.

“Stupid girl, did you really think you could outrun us?” Dog boy laughs, getting closer and closer, “Mukuro has plans for you. You really pissed him off with what you did.”

Haru isn’t exactly sure who Mukuro is, but anyone named ‘Corpse’ isn’t someone that she particularly wants to meet. Or meet again if this rude boy is telling the truth. Either way NOPE!

What she needs now are stairs.

Stairs made of trampolines.

Big bouncy stairs like marshmallows.

And no sooner does she think of it than they appear before her. Pink and squishy and filled with sparkles that shimmer in indigo light. And Haru knows with absolute certainty that they are real and they will save her.

She throws herself at the bottom ‘step’ and is immediately launched up backward fifteen feet. Shrieking as she flys through the air over dog boy's head.

“What the fuck!?” He howls as he watches the entire thing.

And maybe that didn’t go entirely to plan, but at least she isn’t cornered anymore?

Haru hits the pavement hard and gets the wind knocked right out of her. Ouch. That hurt more than she was expecting it to.

Note to self: Armour. Or a giant bubble. Just something to make sure that she doesn’t go splat if she fails her dexterity saving throw.

Dog boy whirls around on her and starts stalking toward her. Haru scrambles backward as best as she can. She landed BADLY. She must have jammed her knee too because getting up doesn’t seem to be an option which leaves her in the worst possible position to face this guy. She’s also suddenly exhausted. She feels like she’s been running for days.

“You’re really starting to piss me off, you fucking bitch.”

The veins on his forehead are bulging and pulsing. There’s something dark and viscous dripping out of his mouth and staining his teeth.

“HA-HI!” She squeaks before she can stop herself. He’s scary. He’s really, really scary.

But she has to be brave.

Because she has friends now. Actual real friends that don’t yell at her and tell her to shut up. Or tell her to dress more normally.

Well, Hayato yells at her, but they also worked out the logistics of a robot sex fan theory together last week so she doesn’t think either of them will ever respect the other completely.

Haru’s pretty sure these people want to hurt Tsuna-san and all of her new friends and, well, that’s not going to happen.

“Suck my dick!” She screams back at him, and no it’s not a particularly polite or ladylike thing to yell at someone in the heat of the moment, but Haru is fairly certain that it’s something that Inari-san would yell in the heat of the moment and well...

He’s braver than Haru.

And scarier, if she’s going, to be honest. Especially when he does the creepy thing with his voice when he gets mad.

She really wishes that she could do something like that.

Dog boy snarls and charges her and Haru shuts her eyes tight and braces for impact braces for pain.

And is instead met with a screaming howl of pain.

“Bad dog.”

She blinks her eyes open and is met with the prettiest boy she has ever seen in her entire life.

“Shall I show you how a real predator bears their fangs?”

* * *

* * *

The call ends and not for the first time in his life Tsuna wishes that he could burrow into the Earth like a mole to escape the social awkwardness that is his entire life. Maybe when he emerges next it will be at a point when Reborn has forgotten that his Dame-student thought it would be a smart idea to threaten him.

Regarding the care and well being of his disastrous twin, Sawada Inari.

he doesn’t even know why he did it other than the fact that, as much as Tsuna hates to admit it, Reborn is extremely competent at what he does. And if there is anyone on the face of the planet that can keep Inari from killing himself doing something stupid and crazy it is probably the world’s greatest hitman...

Who Tsuna is 99.9999999% sure has a huge crush on his brother.

He knows it. He’s sure of it. Because, even though people don’t think Tsuna is paying attention to his surroundings, he is. And he’s seen the way that the spartan baby looks at his brother sometimes.

Tsuna knows that look. He’s pretty sure he looks at Kyoko-chan the same way sometimes. And he used to look at her with the same sort of hopelessness before she decided that she was tired of the bullshit (her words not his) and took initiative.

And, yes, it's weird. It’s really weird. And Tsuna feels bad because Reborn is just a kid and Inari has a type.

Only there’s part of that sentence that doesn’t make sense.

Because if Reborn is two years old how could he have been training Dino-niisan for years? How could he have a bank account? Or a teaching license?

Tsuna knows that something isn’t adding up here. And he knows that the next logical step in this question should be simple. Thanks to Reborn, Tsuna has gotten good at breaking down problems into small pieces. So if the little sadist has a problem with Tsuna trying to figure this stuff out he only has himself to blame.

Only Tsuna can’t seem to make himself figure out that last step.

He knows what isn’t adding up. It should be simple.

But every time he tries to think beyond this exact bit he ends up with a terrible migraine and gets distracted by something. Forgets that he had ever been thinking of it in the first place.

Until he finds himself on the same train of thought again.

It’s been happening more often, because of Inari.

Because Inari knows whatever it is that Tsuna can’t seem to figure out. He knows why Reborn is so strange. He knows-

What?

“Why Viscaria though?” Hayato asks, mostly himself but he says it out loud so Tsuna’s attention immediately goes to him.

Takeshi is half slumped over Hayato and for the first time, his irritable friend doesn’t seem to mind. He’s probably just as glad as Tsuna is that Takeshi stopped trying to run out the door on a suicidal charge into a thunderstorm to take on the guy who at some point today actually cut someone’s head off and, and, and...

“What are Viscarias?” Tsuna asks.

He knows that they are the flowers that were put in... in Yamada-sempai’s eyes. But he doesn’t know why the type of flower would mean anything.

Though obviously, it did, judging by how Inari reacted.

Honestly, Tsuna has no idea how Inari knows half the things that he knows. But then it was always like that. Inari could tie shoes before he could walk. Spoke English before he could speak Japanese. And way back, back before....before. Inari had signed his name Inari Tsukishima and would get so irritated when the playschool teacher told him that it was wrong.

And he knows that this isn’t the time to be thinking about any of this, but he can’t help it. Because for years, and years, and years he hadn’t been able to think about anything at all. Now he can think, and it’s still not as good as how other people think. He needs to go slower, in smaller pieces, but he can think.

So he does.

“In the language of flowers, it’s an invitation to dance,” Hayato explains, bringing Tsuna back to the present moment, “It literally means will you dance with me.”

“That’s an odd message to leave your enemy,” Kyoko-chan comments, playing with the ax she stole when they were evacuating the school.

...

If his dreams are anything to go by it’s probably a message in two parts.

Tsuna gnaws on his lip and looks around at his friends in this moment of fear and anxiety. He’s not going to tell them. He already decided that. He isn’t going to speak about the awful things that he’s heard Mukuro ramble about in his nightmares.

The fact that this monster person wants to take over his body and use it to take over the mafia is one thing. A terrible terrifying thing, the things he wanted to use Tsuna’s body to do to his twin was on a completely different level of disgusting and terrifying.

Tsuna isn’t going to say it.

It is not now nor will it ever be a possibility.

Not in this world or any other.

He’s pretty sure if he does say it right now, Takeshi will fly off the handle for real and they won’t even have any semblance of calm.

See? He can even think long term now.

“Everything about the mafia is weird and overdramatic,” He says instead, “Maybe it’s a local custom or something?”

He gives Hayato a meaningful look that he really hopes communicates exactly how much he wants his friend to go along with this excuse that he’s making.

“You said some Families have their own customs, right?”

Hayato nods slowly and Tsuna resists the urge to breathe a sigh of relief.

“Probably a declaration of war or something.”

This situation is all sorts of terrible.

Tsuna wishes that Inari was here with him. He feels safer with his brother around. And at the same time, he’s really glad that he isn’t.

“Tsuna-nii,” Futa whispers, tugging on the ends of his oversized coat, “Maman still isn’t back and Lambo’s getting fussy.”

Tsuna looks over to where Yamamoto-san set up a little play area for the kids, and sure enough, Lambo looks more interested in throwing blocks at the wall than playing with them. He knows enough about the kids now that he can spot one of Lambo’s tantrums. But he’s not Mom and he’s not Inari. He doesn’t have a talent with kids.

And if Inari knew that the kids were here and Mom wasn’t he would absolutely lose his mind.

They don’t have time to deal with a brat having a temper tantrum right now. He almost wants to call Yamamoto-san to deal with it, but he really doesn’t want to interrupt the man when he’s working in the kitchen. He was nice enough to let them all hang out here.

“Lambo, stop throwing things,” Tsuna scolds as best as he can. He gets a block thrown at his head for the trouble.

“OW!”

“Idiot cow!” Hayato screams, and that is probably the worst thing he could possibly do. But if anyone is worse with children than Tsuna is, it would be Hayato. “Don’t go throwing things at Tsuna-sama. Unless you want your ungrateful ass thrown out a window!”

“Hayato-kun!” Kyoko-chan snaps, but the damage has already been done.

Tsuna winces as the little boy starts making a noise like a tea kettle boiling. He pulls himself up and carefully approaches his little brother? he guesses that’s what both of the boys are now.

“Calm down Lambo,” he tries to soothe, “Mama will be back soo-“

He gets smacked in the face with another block.

“LAMBO-SAN WANTS FRATELLO!” Lambo screams, “Mama isn’t paying attention! She keeps ignoring Lambo-sama~”

The sobbing starts in earnest and Tsuna has no idea what to do.

It’s not like he doesn’t understand either. Mom is a good mom, a great mom... She just sometimes goes away in her own head. And Tsuna has long since gotten used to this. He always had Inari and Grandpa around to offset it.

Except for that time when he didn’t.

“Inari is busy with Reborn right now,” He tries, but that just seems to make it worse.

“Then Lambo-sama will go find him!”

And before Tsuna can react at all, before any of them can react, Lambo has bolted out the front door of the restaurant and into the dark. He shares a quick look with his friends and in a flurry, they all rush out the door after him.

Takeshi grabs his sword. Hayato his holster of crazy bombs. Kyoko-chan has decided her weapon of the day is an ax.

And Tsuna...

Tsuna grabs his magic stick.

...staff...

And he slams into Takeshi’s back as soon as he leaves the shop and immediately falls onto his ass. No matter how much he improves he still has absolutely no coordination.

It takes him a moment to figure out why no one is moving.

And then he sees the worms wiggling around on the ground and he springs to his feet and frantically tries to brush off any that might have gotten on his clothes.

“TSUNA-NII!”

His head snaps up and he sees Lambo’s little body dangling in the grip of a big man who’s dragging a wrecking ball behind him. And next to him...

“There you are Decimo,” Cassandra purrs, one eye red the other blue, “You have cost me quite a bit.”

In her hand, she holds a sword. At least Tsuna thinks its a sword. He’s never seen such a weird looking sword in his life. And he doesn’t really have time to worry about that right now.

Her head cocks to the side at a sickening angle and she smiles and Tsuna thinks he sees something wriggling behind her teeth.

“I’ve come to collect. And while the probability engine is a good start I think you already know what I want. Don’t you, Sawada Tsunayoshi.”

Tsuna breathes and reaches for his resolve.

And she lunges.

* * *

* * *

As much as Doll-Face tried to plead his case, in the end, the verdict was, no, Don Cavallone will not be rushing onto the field of battle when he can’t even walk through a doorway without slamming himself in the face, or wear real actual pants without doubling over in pain.

But he tried. He tried to throw Reborn’s lesson about how a boss has to take care of their subordinates back in his face. To which Reborn responded with:

“Dame-Dino, a boss can’t do anything for anyone if they die.”

And so our current party consists of Reborn; the most badass hitman tutor on the face of the planet, Trident Shamal who is still having something of an existential crisis, and me; the actual human disaster. I’m pretty sure only one-third of this adventuring party can actually competently deal with this situation right now.

And it isn’t Shamal.

And I’m pretty sure that it isn’t me.

“Why am I doing this?” Shamal complains, “Why do I always let you talk me into bullshit like this?”

“Because under that scumbag exterior you’re actually a decent human being that cares about people?”

“No, that doesn’t sound like me.”

“Because I’ve posted your bail more times than I can accurately recall,” Reborn drawls, “And the only thing keeping you from going back to the Iron Stockade is my benevolence.”

“Oh, yeah, that,” Shamal sighs, “How could I have forgotten?”

“I don’t know, considering how you continuously complain about it,” Reborn shoots back, like the unrepentant ass that he one hundred percent is.

“Iron Stockade?” I can’t help but ask. I’ve never heard of it before. Though I guess a world of magic and crime lords would have to have some pretty crazy prisons in it. At least more than the one that’s run by the endgame plot thread.

“Don’t,” the good doctor glares at me, “And don’t try to work your weird voodoo magic on me again. I know what you did during that festival and I know what to watch for now.”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about~”

I skip ahead of Shamal as Reborn chuckles in my ear. Of course, I know what he’s talking about. We all know that weird OP persuasion check that I do at this point. Not that I have any clue how I do it.

But it’s pretty safe to just slot it in there with the rest of my skills.

“You are the most overtly aggressive sky that I have ever had the misfortune of meeting in my life,” Shamal continues to bitch.

I casually snap my fingers and the sparkly, ethereal hand zaps him.

“Fuck!”

I just cackle like a fucking lunatic.

Seriously, I am in the strangest fucking mood right now. Because as much as I’m caught in the terrible rage and anxiety spiral this is also the best, I’ve felt in years. This is the first time in years that I haven’t been in pain. That constant consistent pain that didn’t really come from anywhere and for years was told was a figment of my imagination until I just fucking stopped talking about it.

There was never any point in complaining about something that never stopped and couldn’t be fixed.

And it’s not fixed.

I know it’s not fixed, I can already feel it draining away bit by bit.

It’s temporary. It’s a cushion.

But it’s still such a fucking relief that I feel like dancing for real.

“Brat,” Reborn grins next to my ear as I twirl us around a signpost and look back at Shamal. Who in turn is eyeing the magical hand that is casually strolling alongside next to him like some sort of demented dog.

Why not?

“You know it~” I sing-song back at him.

Duck.

I don’t even bother to question ME. I throw myself to the ground just as a volley of high-speed needles crash into the display window behind me. Me and Reborn are showered in glass.

But on the plus side, neither of us got hit by the super effective piercing attack.

“Inari!” Reborn snaps, as he fires off shots at whoever, or whatever just attacked us.

“I’m good,” I tell him, waving him off as I push myself up. “Did you see where that came fr-“

Move.

I kickflip back to my feet and half tumble out of the way as another volley of needles crashes into the ground where I was half a second ago. I still have no idea who the hell is shooting at us. Though Reborn seems to have a bead on them.

In no time at all the hitman has scaled the building next to us and this time when he fires into the dark street beyond us I hear something shatter.

“Who the hell is attacking us?” Shamal demands, looking around madly.

“Give me a sec,” I tell him, as I do something I’ve been wanting to do for a while.

I pull out my wand (conductor as Verde calls it). And as I wave it through the air the magic glitter (highly experimental superconductive compound) scatters down the dark street toward the shadows lurking just beyond. And this time when I set the charge it flows easier than it ever has before. It’s brighter than it ever has been before. And this time when the spark is set it doesn’t die out it catches and burns in the darkness illuminating everything.

At the end of the street are three figures.

One of the enormous monstrosities that generate those crazy crystal things. A much smaller figure with enormous crystalline hands shaped like claws.

And the last figure is one I recognize from m the story: Chikusa Kakimoto.

“Useful skill,” Shamal says, begrudgingly as he fixes his eyes on our opponents.

“It’s a cantrip, dude. I just lit up the dance floor.”

Reborn lands gracefully between us. The centers of his eyes have once again illuminated and his melody is picking up again.

Battle music.

We have our own fucking battle theme that is amazing~

“Shamal, do you think you can take out the big one?” Reborn asks.

“I have the formula to accelerate the decay factor already. I just need to infect it and it should crumble like the other one did before,” Shamal gives me a deliberate side-eye. “Any sort of distraction that you might be able to come up with would be fantastic though.”

I don’t even know why he would bother asking. Distraction is my middle name. My weapon of choice is actual glitter.

Reborn nods and adjusts his fedora, “Which leaves the other two for us. Are you ready, Monello?”

“You know, I was just thinking about dancing,” I comment with a grin, as Chikusa flicks his wrists and yet another volley of projectiles fire off at us.

We break in perfect tempo. The needles shattering ineffectively against the pavement. The little construct takes his opportunity to launch out things that look like floating sea urchins from his back. I think it hurts him. It must hurt him. Because all I can hear is wailing.

The three spike balls hover there in the air for a moment before they start to glow a concerning shade of violet and they all burst forward, firing forward and each exploding into a flurry of jagged shrapnel where it lands.

I let instinct take over as I weave through the chaos. I duck and twist and bend and flip until the attack has lost momentum and I’m panting in the center of the dance floor that I created. The neon fire buzzing around us casting everything in twilight hue.

Reborn lands on my shoulder with a manic grin on his face.

“Ciaossu, Inari,” He greets as we reconvene.

“You know,” I say idly as Chikusa moves to fire at us again, “I like dancing.”

“Really?” Reborn teases, “I never would have guessed.”

The volley of needles launches and I snap my fingers and a huge hand made of glitter and light flys in from the side taking the hit for us before dissipating.

“Yup~” I answer Reborn, “Though I don’t particularly enjoy being threatened into it. Takes away the fun, don’t you think?”

The five more of the sea urchin things burst from the little ones back and start to glow. But this time before they can burst Reborn fires five shots of violent golden light. Each Target is hit dead on and falls dormant to the ground.

That is so fucking cool~

“It doesn’t help that our ‘partners’ seem to be suffering from a tragic lack of imagination,” Reborn comments as the large monstrosity starts to melt and the little one pokes mournfully at one of the sea urchins.

“Though to be fair I don’t think they knew they were stepping to the undisputed master of ranged combat when they decided to come at us.”

Reborn preens at the compliment the intensity of the light in his eyes increasing exponentially.

“You seem to enjoy flattering me, Monello.”

“Just telling it as it is,” I say as I pull some of the glitters from my light fixture and cast of net over Chikusa and the little one paralyzing them briefly as Shamal takes advantage of the opportunity to do whatever it is that he does with those crazy mosquitoes to make the big one fall to pieces.

‘Papa? Where are you?’ The voice of a little girl asks as she’s whispered away.

Those poor fucking kids.

Why would anyone do this to them?

“We should go dancing,” I tell Reborn, desperate to change the subject. To think of something more cheerful.

I think it would be fun to go dancing together.

“Waltz, Tango, you seem like you know how to tango, dude.”

My paralysis cage is about to wear off. I can feel it. I’m almost out of my extra padding too. That familiar painful sharpness is starting to come back again.

It was nice while it lasted.

“That’s not really something I’m capable of anymore, Inari,” He says softly, with more than a little self-deprecation. “Not when I’m like this.”

This really isn’t the moment for this. We’re still in combat after all. But I’m tired of fighting and fear. And just for a second, I need THIS to be more important.

Reborn is still perched on my shoulder and I rest my head lightly against his as the last of my hold person spell wears off and I’m hit with the backlash.

“You’re a smart man, Sunshine,” I challenge, “I’m sure you can figure out how to dip me if you really want to~”

Three things happen very quickly.

Shamal shouts something.

The little one raises its hand and enormous jagged crystals launch toward us.

I can’t make myself moved out of the way...

And suddenly the world is spinning as a small hand drags me down and out of the way and catches me by the collar of my shirt an inch before my head smacks against the pavement.

I meet Reborn’s eyes and he is giving me the most intense look something that’s almost like fury but is absolutely nothing like it.

I grin at him.

“Told you so~” I trill.

“Brat,” he shoots back, his expression softening, “You are an impossible brat.”

“I aim to please.”

The ground shakes, and from what little bit of light the street lamps are providing I can just make out Chikusa’s eyes widening and flashing heterochromatic hues. Fuck. Not good.

The ground shakes again. I squint my eyes to try and see further into the darkness, but I can’t quite make it out. It’s definitely something though.

With Reborn’s help, I managed to right myself. I can’t quite make myself stand up yet though. I guess this is what happens when I don’t obey the advice given to me in esoteric dream sequences.

“I was wondering where you were,” Rokudo Mukuro says as he appears from nowhere and smiles down at me. A web of orange light cracking across his face.

Reborn puts himself between us and shoots. pThere illusion vanishes as the bullet makes contact and I scramble backward trying to get to something that will help me pull myself up.

I’m stopped in place as I hit a body instead. Arms wrap around my chest, pinning my own arms to my sides. My back is pressed up against a chest.

A shiver of dread rolls down my spine as Mukuro props his chin on my shoulder and I feel cold flesh press against my face. I flashback months to the last time Mukuro got me from behind. The agony of having my entire arm wrenched out of place.

The helplessness that I felt as he turned my Family against me and laughed.

This is a man that excels in psychological torture.

And he’s caught me.

Again.

“I was worried when I didn’t find you with Tsunayoshi,” he continues as if there was no interruption. “He’s much too inattentive. I’ll take much better care of you, I promise.”

The ground shakes again.

It feels like the footsteps of something massive.

I shift my gaze to Reborn. His expression has completely shut down. He is hyper-focused, waiting for his opportunity to strike.

I trust him completely.

“Kufufufufu~ Careful Arcobaleno,” Mukuro taunts, “You wouldn’t want to miss.”

Reborn doesn’t react, doesn’t even flinch.

The ground shakes once more and whatever it is sounds incredibly close now.

“Jesus, Mary, and Joesph,” I hear Shamal swear in absolute terror.

I slowly shift my gaze back down the street to where the massive footfalls are coming from and for a moment my brain short circuits completely. I don’t understand what I’m seeing.

It stands there in the middle of the street and in the dim lighting, it almost looks like a tree.

How could a tree have suddenly appeared in the middle of the street? That doesn’t make sense.

And then the clouds move and the moonlight shines through and it’s... they’re illuminated.

“I made you a gift,” Mukuro whispers, “since you were so generous with yours.”

It’s made of arms and legs and torsos and heads held together with meat and flesh and a current of indigo fire that pulses through the entire being like a grotesque heartbeat. There are crystals burrowed in all across it and they glow with blues and reds and greens and purples.

“What the fuck?” My voice comes out strangled as I look at this.

Next to me Reborn’s breathing has picked up exponentially and I hear him whisper a word, a name, “Gabriella?”

I look upon this thing and I HEAR a cacophony of wretched dissonance played back at me as violin shrieks in rage and heartbreak.

"I used to remember so many lives," He breathes into my ear, "And now all I can remember is you?"

My flames that crackle beneath his skin press back against my own face and suddenly ...

* * *

* * *

.

.

.

"Hello, professor."

"Don't you ever have anything better to do than bother me, Mr. Estraeno?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh boy.... We’re in the thick of it now. 
> 
> As always I love hearing from you all! So let me know Questions? Comments? Theories?
> 
> See you next week!
> 
> ❤️


	30. The Anatomy of a Monster (Hello)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And I suppose now that we’ve reached this point I should tell you my bit.
> 
> Apologies. 
> 
> I should probably introduce myself. Though I believe we’ve already met. 
> 
> My name is Inari Tsukishima.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning for discussion of death, depression, stalking and implied non-con.

Stop me if you’ve heard this one.

My name is Sawada Inari... and I don’t belong here.

Only I do.

It’s just that I don’t usually end up here.

I broke the rules to end up here.

Space-Time is weird that way. Its a lot like walking though the Library of Babel. Every possible permutation of every possible choice that exists. What can be, will be, might be, won’t be and so on and so forth. Skip a stone and see who you end up as.

I’m probably not the best person to explain it. Mathematics where never my forte, nor was quantum mechanics. Reborn would probably be a better person to ask about the probability aspect. Or Verde. Not Concetta, talking to her is like talking to a sphinx. And I’m still not entirely certain that she isn’t one...

Whoever she is?

I’m just the idiot who wandered through the library of possibility and mixed up some of the pages. And, well, I’m missing some of the hardware that helps with the processing.

...

“Someone tore your insides out.”

...

**It’s complicated.**

...

In another permutation of this timeline Rokudo Mukuro told Sawada Tsunayoshi that he had lived through six lives and he remembered all of them. Nothing was ever mentioned of that again. At least not that I can remember.

My ‘memory’ of that story is terrible at the best of times. It might be the universe trying to prevent an existence ending paradox... It might also just be my own fucked up brain.

Misfiring neurons.

Give me a break. Its hard to do these things manually.

The point is if he did do a full rendition of each and every life he lived through I unfortunately glazed over that bit of plot. So sorry, my bad. I should have paid more attention because if I had this probably wouldn’t have come to bite me in the ass so hard.

...

“ABRA KA FUCK YOU!”

...

It was a fairly dramatic final attack all things considered. Teetering on the meridian of a last resort when I had absolutely nothing left but pain and panic. I took some of the sharpness inside of me and shoved it into him.

I meant it as: “Fuck off and die.”

Obviously Mukuro took it as: “Come hither.” Which is creepy as fuck, but then he always had some pretty aggressive creeper like tendencies. It might be a Mist thing, but I’m pretty sure it’s a him thing.

It might be, in part, because of the crossover drama that he got treated to. Probably, in part, because I sort of kind of accidentally shoved a piece of my soul into his brain. It’s an aggressive kind of harmony.

Percussion is dangerous in that way. The rhythm can change the entire set up of the piece.

I didn’t mean to make a monster.

When you really get down to it I doubt he did either.

But then this was always a story about monsters.

**And I suppose now that we’ve reached this point I should tell you my bit.**

* * *

* * *

Apologies.

I should probably introduce myself. Though I believe we’ve already met.

My name is Inari Tsukishima.

And, once upon a time, I lived in a world that was not completely unlike this one. All things considered it was a fairly normal world. Less excitement than this one for sure.

You just had to be careful of dreams.

Dreams were always a dangerous thing.

And, of course, you have to remember that the world is ending. Or the universe.

There is a sickness.

A decay.

And it’s spreading.

Or it’s not. It all depends if you believe in such things.

If you must know the dramatics it was a world where I lost the love of my life, where I never met my twin brother. A world where I was raised by a man who was also named Inari Tsukishima (though he always insisted on being called ‘the first’ because he was that sort of asshole.)

It was the world where I found that archive. Because what better place for a broken hearted man who loved stories to spend the remainder of his days than a place that contained infinite stories.

It hurts.

It burns doesn’t it? That bit fitting back into place. The nerves are all new and raw.

Fixing yourself is never easy. If it was easy a lot more people would be able to do it. It’s a long and painful and arduous process. But I’ve done it once and I can do it again.

It’s been years like this though.Its like constantly failing your save against psychic damage. Ten years of my brain self destructing and shredding itself on the jagged bits left behind.

You already knew all of this. I know that you did in scattered bits and pieces it’s hard to run a program when your missing the proper components.

You know because I know and we’re both ME.

Me and you and, well, the other one.

We can thank Reborn for the current fusion of thought. He did the impossible. He repaired just enough of what’s missing so that we can put ourself back together.

Somewhat at least.

I really do have fantastic taste in men though, don’t I?

Though I also seem to attract a certain dangerous element... I’m not quite sure what that says about me. Probably something tragic.

See this was also the world where I had the misfortune of meeting Michael Estraeno.

Mukuro now, though I have a feeling that was a name that he chose for himself. He enjoyed dark and unnerving things or couldn’t you tell by the stick men and flesh monsters and such?

And that’s where this part of the story begins.

* * *

* * *

“Do you know what a monster is made of?” I address the room ofmythology students who seem very confused as to who I am and where their usual dottering old professor has gone, “Is it big and malformed? Does it have sharp teeth and pointy bits? Is it something so terrible that it defies description?”

A few in the audience raise their hands, but I ignore them. I honestly don’t want to stand here talking for longer than I absolutely have to. I have no idea why Grandpa asked me to do this. He’s probably hoping that if anyone starts complaining to the administration that their class was taken over by the wrong Inari Tsukishima they’ll get brushed off as being high or something.

I tip the fedora down a little lower to shade my eyes from the terrible overhead lighting that is doing absolutely nothing for my pounding headache. Whoever, designed the lighting for this room was a monster themselves. They obviously had no sense of mercy toward the poor souls that would be forced to come into this room and teach while hungover.

“Today you’re going to be making monsters of your own. You’ve been studying the incarnations of evil, of the strange and unnatural things that human minds have constructed over the millennia. You have three hours to come up with something. You may work in groups of two or three or on your own if you prefer, I don’t particularly care.”

Even more hands are raised now. Some have actually started preemptively forming groups. Talking to each other in not so hushed whispers.

There is one familiar face in the crowd. Dear little Uni doesn’t look at all pleased with me. Knowing her she can tell how hungover I am and is wondering if I’ve finally lost my fucking mind.

Too bad her Godfather went and died on us or she might be able to tell~

There’s not a soul alive who would give a fuck at this point.

“I’m not asking for any masterpieces, but I would like some pictures. And a few short myths to accompany your creation on it’s journey into reality. Any questions?”

“Who the hell are you?!” Shouts one, very rude, student.

I have no idea how Renato ever put up with this shit.Though I doubt he would have gotten much he had been much too lovely and imposing to merit any sort of criticism. And a harsh taskmaster-

Drink.

I need a drink.

And if he wants to take issue with my rapidly escalating drinking problem he’ll have to climb out of the grave and fight me.

“Inari Tsukishima,” I draw, “it’s written on the board, rather hard to miss.”

“No you’re not!” Another snaps, “Professor Tsukishima is ancient.”

And I’m certain that they would never say such a thing to Grandpa. For fear of expulsion, banishment, and untimely death.

“I’ll make sure to tell him you think so,” I mutter, pulling my flask out of my coat pocket and taking a long swig. I plop myself into the comfortable chair behind the absurdly cluttered desk.

It’s too bad I can’t drink coffee without having a panic attack these days. That would probably be a more normal thing to sip on at eleven in the morning.

Oh look, an invocation to summon ‘that which will devour the Earth.’ Neat. I’m sure I’ll hear all about it later.

He must be getting desperate if he is actually trying to summon apparitions from beyond the veil. But he is convinced that the world is ending so I guess he can be forgiven for that.

I look back up and realize that none of them seem to working on the assignment. They all seem much more fascinated by me. Flattering but irritating.

“If you all must know, I am Inari Tsukishima, the second. Your cantankerous draconic professor is my Grandfather and today he is taking advantage of this fine and reputable institution’s tendency toward nepotism and taking over his class while he is otherwise occupied. And if you don’t recognize me I can only assume that it’s because you have never ventured into our library and archive. Which, considering your chosen major is somewhat concerning, but ultimately none of my business.”

I shrug and kick my feet up onto the desk and relish in the gasp of fear that it elicits from these puppies.

“Now, if you’re all done staring, I have given you your mission for the day.”

I narrow my eyes as I stare around the lecture hall with vague disinterest.

“Make me a monster,” I order imperiously and grin as chaos erupts in the room as they all spring into action all at once.

I love the Jedi mind trick.

It used to irritate him to no end. He thought it would hurt me.

Ha!

Shows what he knows... knew. I have a flask full of an unholy combination of Gin and Brandy and Concetta’s nightmarish Moonshine and now nothing hurts anymore. Nothing ever hurts anymore.

Though the hangovers are a bitch to deal with. But then, that’s what the flask is for, right? Sobriety seems highly overrated these days.

I spin the cap back onto the flask and tuck it back into my jacket pocket and tip the brim of the fedora further over my eyes.

There.

If Gramps expected me to invest any more effort than that into his class he really has to start lowering his standards. Or investing in TA’s.

I spend the next three hours lightly dozing off as the sounds in the classroom go from incredulous bitching, to scattered giggles, to full on discussions and laughter as the class of serious some-teen and twenty-somethings studying humanities delve into the depths of their imaginations and create strange and impossible things together.

The corners of my mouth quirk into a smile.

This is much more entertaining than that dry lecture on Dooms Day heralds that he had planned for. And more importantly I’m sure the Archive will appreciate the gift of a few new stories to add to the collection.

Though it likes the pictures most of all.

* * *

* * *

Three hours pass in no time at all.

Soon enough students start hovering around the desk with papers in hand and I collect them one by one and send them on their way. They’re all fantastic in their own unique ways. One picture is just a mash of highlighter colours and is titled ‘The Glow Cloud.’ I think it might be my favourite of the bunch, it’s suitably menacing and bizarre.

In the end there was only two students left in the classroom; Uni and a young man seated in the back who was still working diligently on his assignment. Uni stares at him for a moment before walking purposefully down the steps and slamming her papers down in front of me.

“A soul stealing flask,” I recite, as she glowers down at me.

She has a presence for such a tiny girl... or woman now I guess. I have no idea where time has gone. I helped raise her and now she’s all grown up and

responsible and disappointed in me.

“It’s a terrible thing that takes all your feelings away.”

“Sounds lovely,” I snark.

“It’s not,” she snaps under her breath, “It’s not and you know it’s not. He would be so upset if he knew you were doing this to yourself. I’m upset that your doing this to yourself.”

“I’m fine,” I try to reassure her.

“You’re not.”

“I’m functional.”

“Barely.”

I stare up at her. Or at least I try to. I’m somewhere between a buzz and a hangover and the world has started feeling nice and floaty in a numb kind of

way. I know where she’s coming from. I do really...

I just can’t.

“Good job on your project today, Uni,” I say with a smile. “Go catch up with your friends.”

I watch as a much more anxious look washes across her face.

“Uncle, please-“

“It’s fine, I’m fine,” I drawl, “Hurry off to your next class. It’s Classical Poetry next if I’m not mistaken.”

She continues to look at me all wobbly like for a moment before she blinks.

“Seriously, Uni, I’m fine. But if it means that much to you we’ll talk later.”

Which is a lie of course. But I haven’t entirely proven myself incompetent and untrustworthy just yet.

“Uncle..”

“Isn’t that the teacher that you like so much? Gamy? Game? G-“

“Gamma,” She huffs, as she flushes. “It’s Gamma and you know it... And do you promise?”

“Promise what, dear?”

“We’ll talk later?”

“Oh, yes, sure. Whatever you like.”

“Good,” She says firmly and proceeds to skip off out the door.

Where the hell has the time gone? I swear, it was only yesterday me and Renato were getting her ready for ballet recitals and attending mathletics competitions. And now she’s in University.

“That sounded serious,” The remaining student observes as he fucking apparates next to my desk and has me nearly flipping out of the chair in a manic attempt to put at least a foot of space between me and this pretty boy wraith.

“Lover’s quarrel?” He continues, as if he’s completely oblivious to the fact that he just gave me a minor heart attack.

I really must be fucking loosing it if I don’t notice a six foot tall man walking down a set of creaky wooden steps in a completely empty lecture hall. Uni might have a point about the drinking. That or I need to drink more.

“You could get in quite a bit of trouble for fraternizing with students couldn’t you, Professor Tsukishima?”

“WHAT!?” I squawk in mortification when my brain catches up to what he is inferring. 

“Okay, one; you obviously weren’t paying attention to my whole ‘not THAT Inari Tsukishima’ bit. Two; You have no IDEA how many levels of wrong that statement is. Also you have some fucking balls to call someone out like that with no fucking evidence. THREE-“ I huff, fixing him with a glare (which is somewhat difficult considering how fuzzy everything is at the edges), “make some noise when you walk about. You just about scared me out of my skin!”

He blinks his big blue eyes at me in momentary surprise. I tend to have that effect on people. The verbal vomit takes everyone by surprise.

Fuck, he has long eyelashes.

It’s a good thing that the untimely death of my husband absolutely murdered my sex drive, or this might have escalated to a whole different level of awkwardness.

“Well?” I snap with growing impatience when he fails to answer me, “I do have better things to do with my life.”

And isn’t that the biggest lie that I’ve spoken today.

“Kufufufufu~” He laughs, which somehow makes this situation even more mortifying. “Perhaps if you weren’t so drunk you would have noticed me coming.”

“Thank you for that bit of judgemental commentary Mr?”

“Estraeno,” He answers the unsettling smile growing on his face. “Michael Estraeno.”

“Well, Mr. Estraeno, are you going to be handing in your assignment at some point in the near future? Or shall we just stand here revelling in this increasingly uncomfortable standoff?”

Mr. Estraeno (because somehow Michael just doesn’t suit him at all) smirks as he sets his assignment down in front of me.

And my unease just grows as I am met with an extremely detailed impeccably drawn self-portrait. The same young man that stand before me drawn out in graphite only something feels very wrong about this picture.

I have no idea why, but staring at it fills me with dread.

There’s something about this image that shouldn’t be.

“You fancy yourself a monster, Mr. Estraeno,” I comment, the alcohol in my blood overriding my common sense. Not that I ever had much common sense.

Not that I particularly care anymore.

“My father certainly thought so,” he says, smiling so pleasantly. And I’m certain that he has said that before and that he’s received all sorts of pity and is entirely expecting me to join in.

“We share that in common then,” I laugh cheerfully, “It’s something of a common affliction it seems.”

He stares down at me. The smile still stretching his face in an unsettling way.

“You don’t believe it?”

“You’re young, Mr. Estraeno. Somehow I doubt that your all that terrible.”

The smile drops slightly and he gives me a half amused look, “you can’t be that much older than me.”

I roll my eyes. I get this all the time now. A common affliction that runs in the family. If Gramps didn’t change his face every so often no one would ever believe that he is who he says he is.

“I’m thirty-seven,” I snark, and watch the brain freeze take place, “and I know a great deal more about the world than you do.”

It takes him a moment to right himself, but once he does the smirk is firmly back in place.

“Somehow I doubt that, Professor.”

And now I really and truly am done with this conversation.

I gather up the papers and my MacBook and turn to him with a wild grin.

“L̶E̷A̴V̸E̶”

I order.

And I watch as his expression goes completely vacant and he turns and slowly leaves the room. It still feels odd to do this, but its getting easier. It’s getting much too easy to shove parts of me out and away.

But then, it’s much too convenient that I can just force people to leave me the fuck alone and have them be none the wis-

“How did you do that?!” Mr. Estraeno snaps standing at the threshold of the lecture hall looking like a demented menacing thing backlit by the fluorescents in the hall.

I’ll worry about the hows later.

I press my hand against the scanner built into the bookcase behind Grandpa’s desk and flee through the passage without once looking back. I have had just about all I can take about strange and unsettling young men who can break though my harmony.

* * *

* * *

But that wasn’t the end of it.

* * *

* * *

Of course that wasn’t the end of it.

* * *

* * *

That just marked the beginning of his obsession.

* * *

* * *

Just keep in mind

Dreams are dangerous.

And the world is ending.

* * *

* * *

It was all so much more vivid because we lived so very close to the Brain of the Great Mechanism.

* * *

* * *

I walk into a hexagonal room lined with bookshelves. I pass through an archway into another identical hexagonal room lined with bookshelves. Down a set of stairs into another identical hexagonal room lined with bookshelves.

In this room I set down the students assignments on a wooden counter and watch as the words start to spill off the pages. As individual letters start to break free from the words. As everything turns into nonsense and then remake themselves and rebuild themselves.

**You have to be careful, Darling.**

“I always am.”

I leave that room and pass through another arch into another identical hexagonal room lined with bookshelves. And another.

And another.

And another.

And another.

Until I come to the Vault.

I reach out and let my heartbeat resonate with the magnificent mind of this repository of knowledge and I listen as the beats get louder and faster and more. Drums in the deep.

The Vault opens.

And I step inside.

**What would you like to see today, Dear?**

“Tsuna please,” I say weakly as I collapse cross legged to the floor. “A nice story today, hm? Something fun that he and his friends did one day. I think I’ve had just about enough stress today~”

**Of course**.

And light bursts and a book appears from nothing. And as I look upon it lines form as the Archive finds the story. The story that was written about my brother who never was, in a world without me. Having another zany adventure with his hitman tutor and his lovely friends.

I had been thirteen when I had first stumbled unknowingly into the Archive. Grandpa had been busy with Mrs. Juno and I had gotten bored. So I had started exploring the University grounds.

I had taken a wrong turn and gotten lost somewhere in the library. Or perhaps I had heard a voice. And I had followed it down and down and down. So far down that I though for sure I would have hit the magma core a the centre of the Earth.

Not that the thought had particularly deterred me.

The fatal flaw of curiosity and all that.

I’m glad that I hadn’t stopped. I don’t think I would have survived if I hadn’t found this place. I had been so sad and lonely back then.

And I had been so desperately curious about my twin that I had never met. My mother who had left me for the warmth of an endless dream.

And the Archive holds everything. Every word that has ever been written. Every story that has ever been told and ever possible alternative to each of those stories.

Some are true.

Some are lies.

Sometimes it’s difficult to tell those two apart.

Sometimes everything is true.

The archive had insisted on this story though.

The answer is over here, Darling. You can’t fit it in a jar.

I still have no idea what that means.

But this was a silly happy story about a boy named Sawada Tsunayoshi. And I have loved it more than words can tell.

Enough that even years later when I was sad and alone I would ask the Archive to bring me back to that story.

And for many, many hours.

I loose myself in a story.

* * *

* * *

I don’t go home anymore.

Not often at least.

It’s not like there’s anyone waiting for me anymore and...

I haven’t had the heart to go through his things, our things, our life.

So I left everything exactly as it was.

It’s easier this way.

I can lie to myself easier when I see his brick of a laptop set up at the kitchen table. His suits hanging in the closet mingling about with my comfy oversized sweaters. A selection of brightly coloured ties set out by the vanity and the one that he hadn’t chosen for the day draped across the back of the chair.

His reading glasses balanced carelessly on the arm of the sofa, because herefused to believe that he of all people would need reading glasses.

His favourite coffee cup by the sink.

...

‘He’s just gone out shopping,’ I tell myself.

‘He’s working late at the facility,’ I’ll say.

...

“Please don’t let this be real.”

* * *

* * *

I don’t expect to ever hear from Mr. Estraeno again. And to be honest I almost forget about him entirely. Or at least I would have if I didn’t keep encountering his self-portrait in the Archive.

It hadn’t been consumed with the rest of the assignments. It just sits there on the wooden table where I left it. Still with that unsettling smile.

Somehow, it looks even more menacing now than it did before.

I leave it there.

I don’t particularly want to take it with me.

...

I should have burnt it.

* * *

* * *

When I finally emerged from the Archive I’m treated with the singular sound of my smartphone trying to self destruct as it is struck with a massive influx of messages. Most of them are from Uni, and if I’m reading the progression of this right she is completely convinced that I have drunken myself into a coma and am currently lying in a ditch somewhere.

‘I’m alive,’ I text her. ‘We’ll get lunch later this week.’

She immediately sends be back an army of furious looking emoticons.

‘Sorry,’ I send, ‘Still love me?’

Angry face, angry face, sad face, crying face, hearts.

I’ll take that as a yes and try not to feel too wretched that I made her cry. I used to be better at this, I’m sure of it. But it just might be because any talent I have with children vanishes once they turn eighteen.

I’m so distracted by my sudden emotional turmoil that I don’t notice that I’m not alone until a cold pressure is being drug down the back of my neck with sudden sharpness.

“FUCKINGSHIT!” I shriek.

“Fucking shit!” I shriek, whirling around to face (what I can only assume is) a giant nightmarish spider that has come to feast on my brain stem.

Instead I come face to face, or rather face to chest, with something much more... aggravating? Unpleasant?

“Hello, Professor Tsukishima,” Mr. Estraeno greets with mocking cheer, “Your a little jumpy today. Did I surprise you?”

I GLARE up at this, this, this BRAT!

“It might have something to do with the creeping creeper suddenly and unceremoniously invading my personal space bubble,” I snap at him, “Didn’t you learn about look don’t touch in primary school?”

He continues to smile down at me, all catlike and smug. Which just makes this situation all the more irritating. I already regret emerging into the light of day. I should have checked my watch before leaving the Archive.

“I was homeschooled.”

“Well then consider this a free lesson in playing nice with others.” I take three steps backward so I’m not immediately within his reach, “Don’t touch unless you have explicit permission to touch.”

He takes one long step forward and is once again immediately in my personal space bubble and is now, unfortunately, crowding me up against a brick wall. Because I am an idiot who doesn’t pay attention to his surroundings.

“I think we already know each other pretty well, Professor,” He purrs down at me.

“One ten minute conversation at the end of a lecture does not a relationship make, Mr. Estraeno,” I tell him, “Also, if your looking for Professor Tsukishima, his office hours are Monday mornings from six am to seven am, because he is a vindictive prick who really doesn’t want to talk to students. And if you are really so desperate for companionship, I suggest you try Tindr or whatever dating app tickles your fancy.”

And, oh boy, is this weirdo ever invading my personal space bubble now. I am really not into this please stop and back away from the idiot before he snaps and throws a book at you.

I really don’t want to get arrested for assaulting a student.

“I could, but I doubt any of them would be so accommodating as to give me a piece of their soul~”

I freeze.

“You really are something else aren’t you, kufufufufu~”

And then he reaches out and tries to touch the brim of-

I sock him him the gut and run past as fast as I fucking can. I run and I don’t look back at the extremely unsettling man who knows something that he shouldn’t. Something that is impossible for him to know.

I run, and run, and run and I’m not paying any attention to where I’m going until I reach a familiar gate.

Our gate.

On some level my brain still thinks that this is my safe space.

That’s the problem with lies I guess.

* * *

* * *

We were married for fifteen years.

And that’s not counting the years that we knew each other before that.

He took my name when we got married. Grandpa wouldn’t hear me changing mine. It was one of his requirements. Though I think he was just hoping that one of the hoops that he set up would be too much and I would lose interest in marrying a ‘mud monkey’ as he so cheerfully calls people.

Technically, neither of us HAD to change our names, but Renato was a fan of the symbolism and ceremony of it. And he hadn’t been too horribly attached to Sinclair. Too many bad memories.

He had been more than happy to become Renato Tsukishima.

Even if Cornelius had given him a hard time for it.

* * *

* * *

Those were happier days.

* * *

* * *

_“You have reached the magnificent residence of Renato and Inari Tsukishima. I’m sorry to inform you, brave adventurer, we are not home and you have awakened the dragon that we left to guard our abode. Please roll your initiative and leave a message at the beep!”_

* * *

* * *

I have three more encounters with Mr. Estraeno before the week is up. And considering there are only two days left in the week and he has no business knowing where I am or what I’m doing it’s more than enough to be unsettling. And over the next three weeks things just get progressively... worse.

I start seeing him everywhere.

* * *

* * *

He corners me in a secluded hallway just off from the quad.

“You said you work in the library right, professor?”

“Still not your professor, but, yes.”

“I was wondering if you could help me find some research materials for a project that I’ve been working on.”

“What’s the topic?”

His eyes glitter manically as his smile stretches to demonic proportions.

“Hell.”

“... Of course it is...”

* * *

* * *

In the supermarket.

“Hello, Professor.”

“Do you have some sort of short term memory loss, Mr. Estraeno?” I ask him once I get my heartbeat back in order.

He laughs, “Kufufufu~ You really are a jumpy little thing. Are you sure it’s alright for you to be out on your own in your condition?”

I glare and take and aggressive swig from the flask. Carefully balancing the bag full of merger groceries in my other arm.

“And what condition might that be?” I half snarl and try to move around him.

He doesn’t let me get far. No sooner do the words leave my mouth than my bag of groceries are being snatched out of my arm and I’m crashing to the pavement as he deliberately trips me.

“FUCK!”

“Drunk,” He says leering down at me, “And from the look of this bag and your weightlessness, starving.”

I don’t exactly know what expression is on my face right now, but I think horror might be the word for it.

There’s something so wrong about his eyes.

“And now you’ve gone and hurt yourself.”

“L̵e̷a̵v̶e̷ ̴m̷e̷ ̴a̸l̸o̷n̴e̵ ̸y̵o̸u̴ ̶f̴u̸c̸k̵i̷n̵g̶ ̴p̵e̸s̴t̶!” I hiss at him.

And I’m so fucking happy when he turns and leaves.

Even though I can tell he’s fighting the order.

An eerie whistle against the drumbeat.

* * *

* * *

Have you ever heard a glass harmonica play?

* * *

* * *

He catches me outside my favourite bar.

And this time he his much less amiable.

I reach out to open the door and my arm is grabbed in a vice like hold before I even make contact with the handle. My arm is wrenched up behind my back and I am painfully lifted off my feet and forced into the alleyway next to the bar.

“You really need to stop this terrible behaviour, Professor.”

His nails dig into my skin and I swear to god it feels like there’s something squiggling under there now. The visceral fear is settling in and he pushes me up against the wall. Sharp bits of concrete scratch against my face and-

“Get the hell off of me you fuck!”

“Why should I? Why do you even care? You’re already intent on killing yourself, Professor. You should just let me take care of you. You have no idea what we could accomplish together.

“You’re crazy,” I breathe, “You’re actually fucking batshit aren’t you?”

Which is a dumb thing to say to a guy who has you pinned and overpowered. But that’s me. The moron with the big mouth.

He kisses the back of my neck and if my skin wasn’t crawling before it is now. I need to get out of here.

I need to get out of here!

I squeeze my eyes shut and—-

* * *

* * *

**Don’t worry, Darling** , The Archive says, **We have you.**

* * *

* * *

I vanish from that moment in space.

And he sees me do it. 

And he remembers it. 

And the next time I try it he’s already there waiting for me. 

* * *

* * *

I hate this.

I hate him. Michael Estraeno. 

I hate how he infringes on my personal space.

Insists on touching my hands, my shoulders, and on one particularly unpleasant occasion my hair.

I hate that he pretends to care so deeply about my wellbeing.

Before that infernal class I had no idea that this person existed. And now I can’t seem to step foot out in public without him appearing like some sort dementor come to bring some cold dread into my already miserable days.

Like I didn’t have enough depressing things to occupy my mind. What with Grandpa’s impending apocalypse and the mourning. I understand that the mourning is very much a me problem, but it does occupy quite a bit of my attention.

I miss him.

My heart hurts.

If he was still around he never would have put up with this. Mr. Estraeno would have met the business end of his GLOCK at the first instance of trouble. Honestly, I really should do something myself but...

Impulse issues aside I don’t really have the stomach for violence. Not unless my life is in danger and I don’t think we’re quite at that level yet. I just want him to leave me alone.

“I’ll just fire a warning shot then,” Is what Renato would have said.

Sweet man.

... I should tell someone.

But Grandpa is busy with the end of the world and disinterested with ‘humans’ and well...

All of my closest friends are already dead.

* * *

* * *

They all died.

Everyone who was working on that project of Juno’s.

It was just a matter of when.

Fon, he died instantly.

There wasn’t a single piece left of him after whatever happened happened. Renato had been in a cold panicked shock when he had told me. If he hadn’t been he probably would have remembered the NDA’s he had signed.

Not that it mattered.

Juno had vanished.

And Fon had died instantly. And in that moment I couldn’t comprehend that

there wasn’t anything left of him. Not a body. Not bones. Not anything.

Nothing but his three year old daughter that couldn’t comprehend where

daddy had gone.

I couldn’t comprehend where my friend had gone.

He died instantly.

And there were no remains.

He was the first, and in retrospect that was probably a blessing considering how gruesome some of their deaths were.

How much suffering was involved.

.

.

.

Lal shot herself.

Right after she shot Cornelius.

.

.

.

Vergil simply stoped.

.

.

.

Mads spent their entire fortune trying to find a cure. And when they realized that it was futile well...

.

.

.

Sam...

I can’t even say it.

.

.

.

Aria laid down her her bed one night and when Uni went to see her the next morning there was so much blood.

.

.

.

My husband, Renato, went slowly. He lasted the longest of all of them. He held on for so long. Started getting better so many times.

It was easy to lie to myself.

He was strong.

He was going to get better.

He wasn’t going to leave me.

.

.

.

In the end he went quietly. Not with a bang, but with a whimper. He was there one moment and then he was gone.

Do you know what Grandpa said?

“Good, now that your ‘mud monkey’ is gone maybe you can focus your energy on something more important. I’ll need your help to find Juno and fix this mess that she’s made of things and-“

I don’t quite remember what happened after that, but we didn’t really see each other much. At least until he started having me cover his classes as he went on with his mission to ‘save the world.’

Or whatever the fuck he was doing.

I managed to last out until the funeral.

And then I lost it.

My mind I mean.

And if you want to get technical my general will to live and the last of my impulse control.

I drank until I was nearly blind.

I drank until my insides felt like they were bleeding.

I drank until I was teetering on the edge of the abyss and the Archive was screaming at me.

And then Concetta drug me home kicking and screaming and threw me down in front of Uni who had lost her mother and her godfather and...

She threw herself into my arms and just bawled and I bawled.

I made a deal with her. That I would get myself together.

“Do or do not, there is not try,” she quoted at me with puffy eyes and a sniffly nose.

“I will,” I promise her, “I swear.”

Which was another lie of course, because I never stopped drinking.

But the Archive stopped me from ever going that far again.

Somehow I’m surprised I still get the cravings. You’d think scattering myself across the horizontal axis would have put a stop to that.

But I guess there are somethings that you take with you. Even across alternate timelines.

* * *

* * *

I started hiding in the archive.

I would be safe in the archive.

No one who wasn’t welcome could find me there. He couldn’t find me there.

He couldn’t.

“You really don’t look well, Professor.”

And I just stare at him in complete incomprehension as he comes to stand next to me in the centre of this hexagonal room lined with bookshelves.

“You can’t be here,” I say weakly, “You can’t BE here.”

“Of course I can,” He says with a soft smile, crouching down to brush my hair out of my face. “You brought me here after all.”

“What?”

I don’t know how I can explain the devastation I feel finding him here in this place.

And then I wake up.

* * *

* * *

I go outside and he finds me.

And it’s always kind and helpful words and unwanted touching.

* * *

* * *

He starts following me around the library chatting about the various layers of Hell as I help students with their research questions and organize the space. I think this must be a layer of Hell. 

One day he comes with a book that is oozing blood from between it’s pages and hands it out to me and I just stare at it. At him.

Because this book should be in the Archive.

“Thank you for letting me down into the Archive, Professor. These books have really been a help with my research.”

I take the book with shaking fingers.

“I would really like to see inside that Vault your always visiting one day.”

And all I hear is a terrible, maddening, oppressive whistling sound.

“Sure...”

* * *

* * *

I stop drinking so much.

It makes him angry when I drink.

And there’s nowhere safe for me to hide.

He’s in my dreams.

He’s his my workplace.

He’s even in a place that doesn’t technically exist.

He’s not a normal human.

**He’s a symptom, not the sickness** , The Archive tells me during my second to last visit.

“A symptom of what,” I ask.

I’m sweating and my hands are shaking as I read about my Twin awakening his ring and fighting a vengeful ghost.

I want to go there. I want to be with him. I don’t want to BE HERE anymore.

There’s nothing here anymore.

Just a man that’s slowly driving me mad and telling me that it’s for the best.

**I’m so sorry, Darling,** The Archive says, **This is all I can give you now.**

When I finally look down I find a ring next to me. A ring with wings and a glittering Topaz gemstone.

* * *

* * *

“Nice ring, professor. Did someone propose?” He looks so irritated as he looks down at the shimmering ring on my finger.

I let myself sink down into Grandpa’s plush oversized office chair and smirk up at him. It’s nice to see him be the one off balance for once. I guess the Archive was on to something with this.

“Hello, Mr. Estraeno. I’m sorry to say you’ve found the wrong Inari again,” I say in a pantomime of our usual greeting ceremony.

He smiles, but there isn’t anything happy in there.

“Considering how often you take over Professor Tsukishima’s office I’m starting to doubt that.”

“Can I help you with something, Mr. Estraeno?”

“Still so nervous around me,” He says as he starts to regain his composure, though he still looks absolutely furious.

“Can you blame me?”

After what you did?

  
After what you’ve been doing?

After all of this?

I suddenly feel more tired than anything.

“Shall I come back another time then?”

“... You want back into the vault again don’t you?”

I still don’t have any earthly idea why I let him in in the first place. Only that he was always there. I never know how exactly he gets into the Archive, but I’ve given up trying to stop him.

“If it’s not to much trouble~” He says in mock sweetness.

And I take great pleasure in smiling back at him and saying, “No.”

What happens next happens much too fast for me to track one moment he’s standing in front of the desk the next his face is right in front of me, and one of his eyes is red and not blue.

A kanji instead of a pupil.

The number five.

His hands close around my throat and he’s strong. Monstrously strong. And he’s choking the life out of me.

And

And

And.

.

.

.

* * *

* * *

“I’m very proud of you,” Uni says one day while we’re meeting for lunch, in lieu of absolutely nothing.

“Have I done something in particular to win your praise? Or is this a general ‘I’m glad that you haven’t drowned yourself’ pat on the head.” My voice still sounds rough and I take a moment to adjust the scarf around my neck.

She giggles and takes a sip of her frappe.

“Michael told me that he’s been helping you stop drinking. I’m so happy that you’ve started making friends again.

I force a smile onto my face and it feels wrong and hollow.

“Yes, he’s... something else.”

She reaches over and lays her small hand over mine.

“Uncle Renato wouldn’t want you to be sad forever.”

* * *

* * *

I go home.

* * *

* * *

I go home and lock the doors, the windows, shut all the curtains.

* * *

* * *

I walk up the stairs to our bedroom.

* * *

* * *

Go into the closet.

* * *

* * *

Open the safe.

* * *

* * *

Get the gun.

* * *

* * *

And I sit.

And I wait.

There’s only one entrance.

Only one way in or out of this room.

And I’m sitting facing it.

The safety is off.

“You really need to stop doing such reckless things, Professor,” Mr. Estraeno says as he wraps his arms around me from behind. “I really do worry about you when you do things like this, Kufufufu~”

I just feel numb.

I let him take the gun out of my hand and empty the chamber onto the ground.

I let him

I let him

I let him....

Because obviously I’m the one that’s crazy here.

* * *

* * *

“You’re not this kind of crazy, Mio Caro,” Renato whispers in my ear. “The spare is under the pillow.”

* * *

* * *

I shoot him.

He dies.

But that’s not the answer here.

Because Rokudo Mukuro, Michael Estraeno, and whoever else he might have been isn’t the disease.

He’s just a symptom.

In the end he’s probably just as much a victim in this as I am. Though it’s hard for me to see it like that all things considered.

This wasn’t the whole story. Just the part where we crossed over.

After that well...

It’s how I ended up here.

* * *

* * *

I open my eyes and were back to chaos.

Big flesh tree.

Crazy world traveling suffering demon who wants to take over the mafia.

And the world’s still ending, but that’s nothing new.

Peril on all fronts.

“Hello darkness my old friend,” I sass with sardonic dictation, “Out of curiosity did you remember who I was the last time you were strangling me? Or the time before that? Do you have an asphyxiation kink or is it just me?”

And I just gaze up at the monstrosity before me and just stare into the many faces and eyes and limbs and lights and flames that throb like a makeshift circulatory system. A very vocal part of my brain is screaming and telling me how wrong this is how upsetting this is. But the majority of my brain is busy slotting itself back together

“So you do remember me. I wondered.”

“As one might remember a particularly irritating dog. Or a pebble that gets caught under the sole of a shoe.”

He laughs. A mad sound that comes tearing out of his throat. It’s nothing like his usual laughter which is in an of itself suitably unnerving, but a whole new level of unhinged.

Probably my fault.

Bad things happen when you shove pieces of yourself into other people. Or at least I assume they do. I don’t exactly have imperial proof to test that hypothesis... not that this is a hypothesis that should be tested. It’s probably safe to say that you should keep your soul inside your body.

A blaring noise erupts from the Amalgamate; screaming and wailing and groaning and praying.

It really is grotesque. And exactly something that he would make.

I have no idea how we’re going to fix that, but I’m sure we’ll come up with something. There are WAYYYY too many people caught up in that thing.

He’s a symptom of the sickness. Not the sickness itself. But regardless he still has to be fought. Because somehow this asshole is breaking the rules in some pretty obvious ways.

He was crazy before I attacked him with harmony and he met an even worse version of himself. Somewhere in there is the actual human person who decided that revenge was a great idea and then forgot how to stop. And I think he’s the one that I have to kick in the head.

Reborn and Shamal are frozen in place, staring at the thing and the pieces that its made of. Reborn’s melody is shattering against itself in a self-destructive cacophony and Shamal isn’t too far behind.

That won’t do at all gents. Today we’re monster slayers and it really is about time that we put this monster of the week to rest. You really have no idea how overdue this is.

I hit a beat on the war drum that I’ve made my heart.

**Be brave, bold and resolute.**

I feel as the music evens out and smile as my violinist picks up the piece where he left it and Leon shapes himself into something filled with the molten hot flames of the sun licking inside of him.

Further out Tsuna steadies himself and his elements start forming a piece around him.

In another part of the city a Cave Troll is on a rampage which is fair enough and I look forward to the mess that he makes.

Maybe I hear a pipe organ play.

Maybe I hear a beast roar.

“Well, this has been fun, but I think it’s my go now bitch and you know what?”

It’s a rhetorical question of course because I snap my fingers and send a massive bolt of glittering shining light back through him. And it’s not enough to take him out, but it’s enough to make him scream, to make him let go.

To pick myself up, brush myself off, and put on my game face.

“Please allow me to introduce myself since apparently there has been some confusion what with all the death and rebirth. And really when you get down to it you never really met ME,” I clear my throat and grin down at him, “My name is Sawada Inari, and I will be kicking your ass today.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soooooo... Surprise?
> 
> The reason why the tag was sort of. 
> 
> After last week Inari Tsukishima really wanted to tell his side of the story. 
> 
> Please let me know what you think!
> 
> Love you guys ❤️
> 
> See you next week for the conclusion of this Arc!


	31. The Anatomy of a Monster (Finale)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Once you take out the darkness and mystery a monster isn’t so terrifying anymore. It starts to lose it’s power once you’ve seen it’s real face.

There is a rattle of chains as Jaeger adjusts his hat.

He had almost lost it in the warp and he has found over the many years that he would rather have the hat than not have the hat. It adds an air of mystery. It’s not like he’s done much with his hair this decade.

Jaeger looks up at the cheerful sign before him:

WELCOME TO NAMIMORI

Charming.

For a city that cannot be located on a map. That is currently teetering on the rift in the space-time continuum.

Jaeger sighs as he begins his slow march past the city limits. He hadn’t particularly wanted to take this assignment, but he knew someone had to. Law has been broken in this city.

A treaty has been violated.

The Vindice has made it their mission to enforce Mafia Law. To uphold honour even in the darkest depths of civilization.

And also, this had once been their duty. Their calling. The task they had taken on willingly. Though they were betrayed and deceived this was part of their legacy. Like it or not.

He hadn’t wanted to come back to this city.

This was HIS territory.

This is where Hades had hidden his throne.

This is where they had all died.

Chains continue to rattle as Jaeger continues to walk further and further toward the mouth of madness and the poor fool who had decided to dive in. He has a job to do. Law to enforce. And a madman who was playing with forces far beyond his comprehension.

* * *

* * *

Haru has always wanted a knight in shining armour to save her from a rampaging beast. That or Haru has always wanted to be a knight in shining armour who slays a beast. She’s a complicated person, she’s allowed to have conflicting wants. Usually she goes with a magic using class, but sometimes its fun to play a fighter or a samurai.

It would also be cool to have a suit of armour.

... It would be super cool to have a magical suit of armour made of the night. Ooo, she has ideas for costume design now. If only she knew anything about forging armour.

Maybe Susumu-jichan can hook her up.

Everything that he makes looks magical and incredible and one day Haru is going to apprentice with him at his shop and learn all the tricks of the trade. Grannie has already been teaching her how to make jewelry for years. She says it’s a useful skill to have, never know when you might need a ring of power.

“You’re gonna pay for that!” Dog boy snarls and his massive clawed hands break into the pavement as he pushes off to charge them again.

“Hm?” The pretty boy doesn’t move doesn’t flinch and its the air of absolute confidence that he projects that keeps Haru rooted to the ground where she’s sitting.

Anywhere else would be out in the open. But here-

Pretty boy twirls the tonfa in his hands, slides his left foot out minutely, and even as closely as Haru is watching she still almost misses the moment that he strikes.

It goes WHAM WHAM! And then dog boy crumples to the ground again.

“Feel free to try again, puppy,” The lovely, lovely boy says.

Haru’s going to need to ask him his name.

“What’s your name?” Haru immediately asks.

And immediately regrets it because this is probably not the best time to be letting her hormones dictate her life choices.

“My names Haru,” her mouth continues completely oblivious to the logic of her internal monologue.

He looks down at her and cocks his head to the side, “Hop away little bunny.”

She blinks.

He turns his attention back to the dog boy and the crystaly guys.

She’s not sure if he’s being rude or heroic.

Dog boy snarls as he rubs at his snout backing up on all fours toward the other strange sharp creatures that are lining the streets behind him. They are all strange and terrible to look at. She recognizes them from Doom Day. They were the things that Tsuna-sama and the others were fighting against.

“Yo, Mukuro, we’ve got another uninvited guest.” He barks to ... no one that Haru can see.

These enemies are all weird.

Uncomfortably weird.

She doesn’t like how she keeps hearing children crying. She doesn’t like the way that Tsuna-sama gets so uncomfortable whenever someone mentions this Mukuro persons name.

She doesn’t like the way that Inari-san is always rubbing at his neck. She knows what happened she saw the bruises around his throat.

That’s a really sick and twisted way to hurt someone. Not that there is a right way to hurt someone.

Three of the little crystal monsters charge forward out of the darkness and Haru yelps and flips in the air to avoid getting trampled. Her knight without a name doesn’t even bother trying to dodge. He takes the full brunt of slamming a massive hole in one and taking the arm off the other.

Without even getting pushed out of place.

“Barbarian class, right?” She asks.

He gives her a strange look and she blushes. Normal social interaction sometimes flies over Haru’s head and she forgets that not everyone can follow her high fantasy themed inner monologue.

She’s really happy that she’s met Hayato and Inari-san. They are totally going to do a D&D campaign together some day soon. Inari-san already runs little dungeon crawls for Lambo-chan and Futa-chan, he’s a great DM.

The pretty boys eyes narrow and he slams his tonfa into crystal monster that Haru had jumped over shattering it into a million little pieces.

And Haru swears that she sees a little mist child stretch and yawn before fading away.

She’s really uncomfortable about these things.

No one in the group has been able to come up with a better name than crystal monsters. Which is a little on the nose for Haru’s taste. She had tried to Ask Inari-san but he got a little awkward about it.

It’s fine.

She understands.

Doom Day had been bad for everyone. But the brothers more than anyone.

Haru can read people pretty well... no that’s a lie. She can read Tsuna-sama and Inari-san pretty well though. Inari-san because he always tells her straight that she’s doing something rude or hurtful. She can’t always tell and she appreciates that he is so honest with her.

He’s like a counterbalance. They’re both crazy, different kinds of crazy. Over the past year she has started to feel hazier and hazier and well maybe weird things happen when she wants them too. Maybe she can’t always catch it.

She’s glad that she has Inari-san to zap her if she starts using her magic powers for evil.

Tsuna-sama is so nice and sweet and he tries really hard. And even though he doesn’t always understand when she starts rambling about her games and tv shows. He still listens.

...

Not many people have listened to her before. Without questions or judgements or laughing at the weird girl.

He forgave Haru for being so mean to him.

For scaring him.

He’s kind and Haru wants to protect him.

She wants to protect everyone in their little friend group of magical vigilantes.

Including this pretty boy.

All of a sudden there are cherry blossoms everywhere. They’re floating in the air, growing out of the sides of buildings and lampposts, and some are just stuck in mid air. Creepy.And her Barbarian Knight is suddenly doubled over and wrenching.

That’s not good.

“HA-HI!” She exclaims, “Are you alright? Are you allergic to cherry blossoms? Do you have an epi-pen? Should I call the doctor?”

He looks up shaky and glares at something past her shoulder.

“Ken, could you really not handle one little girl?”

The hairs on the back of her neck stand on end and she’s shivers. She knows that voice.

That’s the boy...

“Kufufufufu~ you really are a strong one aren’t you Hibari Kyoya?” Asks the boy from Doom Day. “I can’t have you breaking through anymore of my employees.”

Mukuro.

He smiles. No smile isn’t the right world. There is nothing cheerful about the look on his face.

It’s mean.

“I would have thought the head of your subordinate would have been a reasonable deterrent.”

The lovely pretty boy, Hibari Kyoya, doesn’t make a sound, but he doesn’t need to for Haru to feel the rage emanating off of him.

She remembers the strange giant in the alleyway.

Made of parts.

People parts.

Haru really doesn’t like horror stories.

She especially doesn’t like the villains in horror stories.

Haru gulps and straightens so that she’s standing straight and firm between Kyoya-san and Mukuro. She crosses her arms and gives him her best disapproving look.

“Apologize,” She snaps, because she honestly can’t think of anything else to say.

Maybe this cruel evil boy is somewhat like her and needs someone to tell him that he’s done or said something hurtful or horrible. She doesn’t think that poor social skills are a reason for someone to commit mass murder though.

“What?” he asks giving her a strangely alarmed look.

“You heard me,” She continues, because she’s committed to it.

And because she thinks she just heard Kyoya-san chuckle a little behind her.

Or he threw up.

Either way she’s helping? Maybe?

“I am going to kill you, you realize that you little pest,” He sneers at her, “You ruined months of careful planning with what you did at that stupid festival-“

Haru’s bored now.

She imagines a giant rainbow coloured lollypop.

And then she imagines it smashing this awful boy over the head.

“You need a time out,” Haru says and watches as the lollypop smashes him over the head and he disappears in a cloud of mist.

The flowers instantly vanish.

“What the hell did you do to Mukuro you dumb fucking bitch?!” Dog boy howls and she is slammed into the pavement as he pounces on her.

And he drools on her.

“Gross!” She shouts and smacks him on the nose with an imagined copy of the now out of print Namimori times.

He yelps.

And then he yelps even louder as the Kyoya-san send him flying.

“You’re very strong,” Haru observes as he steps over her and smashes another five of the crystal creatures that launch themselves at them. “Do you do any cosplay? How do you feel about team costumes because I have some ideas for a tank and I need someone strong to-“

The street is once again illuminated with cheery blossoms and the boy is back looking absolutely furious.

“What did you do?!” He yells, “Ken I told you to kill her!”

“Sorry Muku-“

“Stop making excuses and do it! I’ll handle our little beast since you are incapable of-“

Haru doesn’t think he’s expecting the tonfa strike to his gut.

“You have violated the law of Namimori,” Kyoya-san grits out, “And I will Bite. You. To. Death.”

He is dissipated again.

And reappears.

And again.

And again.

“What are you doing?” He asks in hopeless confusion. “Don’t you understand? It will be better if you just die and let me win.”

Haru and Kyoya-san take turns dealing with the dog boy, the crystal monsters and the irritating boss villain. Each time he reapers there’s less of him that comes back. He tries to throw flowers but instead he makes bugs.

He gets angrier and angrier.

Until there are no more crystal monsters.

Until dog boy is beaten on the ground.

Until he’s a floating head and hands and he’s furiously talking to himself.

And then Haru sees a person standing in the alleyway looking at them. He’s big with a top hat and bandages covering his face and hands.

He’s looking at the dog boy on the ground and the little mist children as the poof away into smoke.

He sees her looking and tips his hat.

And then he’s gone.

Lightning strikes.

The ground shakes.

And then the two of them are left alone in the street.

“Not bad little bunny,” Kyoya-san says.

“I prefer Bunnicula,” Haru tells him, “Sharper teeth.”

* * *

* * *

There is a baby sobbing in Lancia’s grip.

“FRATELLOOOOOOO!!!” The Bovino boy screams. But no matter how much he trashes he’s no match for Lancia’s powerful grasp. He’s no match for the Herculean strength of a man who can throw around a wrecking ball like a football.

He looks so much more terrifying like this, with a dead-eyed stare and a slack jaw. There’s no one home anymore. Cassandra doesn’t even know if there’s still a brain in his skull or if he’s being held together with strings of indigo fire.

Perhaps he’s like her and he’s filled with nightmares and wriggling bugs.

“Calm down, Lambo!” Little Decimo, Sawada Tsunayoshi, shouts to the crying child. “You’re going to be fine jus-“

“MAMAAAAAAAAA!!!” Lambo screams and it strikes her straight through her heart.

The Manager tries to make her move, but for one brief glorious moments she is able to resist him.

‘Stab him,’ he orders her, ‘stab him and we win. We get Vongola and all it’s power and then we can burn them all to ash.’

And she thinks back to Naples. To that fortress out in the bay. To the cage they had thrown her into when she had gone to take revenge for her kind Sky, her love, her world.

And she thinks about the boy who had been sad and broken inside the cage.

He had asked for her help.

He had asked for her hand.

‘Stab.Him.’

And when she had so carelessly given it he has smiled like a demon.

‘LEt ME oUT an-D I WiLl gIVe yOU VeN-NGence.”

Why not.

She had lost everything.

Why shouldn’t everyone suffer like she had? Why should the Vongola go on hiding their bloody history? Why should Timoteo get away with his betrayal?

Why shouldn’tthese monsters who turned children’s into weapons be forced to suffer the same fate.

She took his hand.

She made that devil’s deal.

And now she’s filled with worms and rage and her sword is being used to butcher the innocent. To slaughter babies.

‘What are you doing? I gave you an order. You want this as much as I do.’

Cassandra might have wanted revenge, but she never wanted THIS.

He pushes harder and she flies forward against her will, her blade held high and she strikes at Little Decimo. The sharp end of her stiletto slams into the silver-haired ones midsection and he topples out of her way gasping for air landing close to Lancia’s feet.

‘He’ll die then,’ The manager snarls.

“Hayato!” Little Decimo screams and tries to break past her.

Tries.

He dodges left just in time to avoid being cleaved at the midsection. He lands on his feet with a pitchy squeal of fear, blinking his big brown eyes up at her. Staff held tightly in his burn scarred hands.

His stance is off. So is his grip.

She doesn’t know if it’s because he’s a novice with his weapon of choice or if it’s because of panic. Either way he’ll need to fix that if he’s going to kill her.

If he’s going to kill the monster.

“Where do you think you’re going, De-ci-mo~” The manager... Mukuro... speaks, “And where are you hiding my Sky? Where is my dear professor, Kufufufu~”

Decimo stares in confusion.

Honestly, she doesn’t understand where he came up with the epitaph for Inari Sawada. Professor seems like such a strange title to give a teenaged boy.

“Who?”

His attention wanders and for a moment the itching beneath her skin abates completely and she can breath and-

“Never mind, I have him now. He still looks so messy. Our dear Inari really is terrible at taking care of himself,” He mouth pulls into a twisted grin as she stares down at Tsunayoshi, “Don’t worry I will be taking care of him again, since you’ve been doing such a terrible job of i-“

The staff cracks across her skull so quickly that she didn’t even see it coming in time to react.

Tsunayoshi retreats out of range. His stance widens. His grip adjusts. His eyes shift from vulnerable brown to intense furious orange. The curious burn scars spiral and grow up his forearms.

Oh, this one really is a powerful sky isn’t he? She can feel the pull of his harmony even as muted as she is.

“I’ve heard just about enough of you talking about my brother,” he warns, his voice strong and resonating. “I don’t know what you want from him, but you aren’t going to get it you sick fuck!”

Good boy.

‘Irritating worm. DO AS I SAY AND STAB HIM. INFECT HIM. MAKE HIM OURS.’

No, she doesn’t think she feels like it right at this moment. Tsunayoshi reminds her too much of Federico and how he was back when they were in school.

He tries to make her lunge, but she pulls it into a slash which Decimo manages to counter. Better. His centre of gravity is still off though.

Cassandra drops and widens her stance the next strike aiming low. Because if she can’t stop this onslaught completely she can at the very least make it more difficult for him.

Something small bounces next to her foot and Cassandra and Mukuro only have the briefest moment to wonder what it might be, before it detonates in a blinding flash of Storm and Lightning.

She screams. He screams. They both scream.

“Take that you FUCKING BITCH!”

‘Lancia CRUSH them,’ the manager orders and though her vision is clouded with spots of light she can see the massive wrecking ball move. As the man who was once her friend and protection comes to a facsimile of life.

“KYOKO-CHAN!” Decimo screams, “GET OUT OF THE WAY.”

She turns back to Decimo who has gained a few feet thanks to the distraction. He’s not paying attention though he’s concentrating more on peril his Elements are in.

Sloppy.

A waste of a sacrifice.

This will hurt.

Manager makes her rush forward. The blade is positioned to impale.

This is going to kill him.

‘I don’t need him alive. I just need his FACE.’

Cassandra grits her teeth and prepares for the sensation of flesh tearing, bone shattering, organs rupturing.

She isn’t prepared for another blade to slam down against hers with the grating drone of Tranquillity. Her upper body slows, her sword slams into the ground her legs lift off and suddenly the world is spinning.

And her bends painfully before she is slammed hard against the pavement.

The edge of a blade pressing against her throat as the boy who KILLED TONY smiles dangerously down at her.

There’s a heavy impact. But a thump not a crash. She was waiting for the sound of crushed bones, of sloshing organs, of shattering pavement. It’s none of those sounds.

Just a THUD.

“Holy shit, Sasagawa,” The little silver haired one breathes.

And out of the corner of her eye she can see the little red haired girl holding the wrecking ball. Preventing Lancia from pulling it back. All these children are so impressive. In their own strange way.

“I’m alright Tsu-kun,” Sasagawa says through gritted teeth, “But if you boys maybe want to hurry this up. This thing is a little heavy.”

It weight 2000 pounds it weighs a ton. And the girl is holding it like one might hold a basket of laundry. She can see Lancia’s muscles strain and in a fit of fury he drops the crying baby onto the ground to grab the chain with his other hand.

Still nothing.

And the baby just lays there and screams sobs and cries.

“F-Fratello~ Mama~ WAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!”

“Dumb cow, stop crying I’ve got you.”

Now THAT was good form. Tsunayoshi has certainly gathered himself a competent and well balanced Family.

If she had any control over her facial muscles she would smile.

The young swordsman that’s pinning her down almost reminds her of Squalo.

‘KILL HIM KILL HIM! No not you Ken the other - Chikusa get up GET UP!’

Cassandra blinks.

“You’re the one who killed Tony,” Mukuro says, stealing her tongue and vocal chords.

“Yup,” The boy agrees cheerfully, “And you’re the one who’s been hurting Inari.”

She feels such a spike of irritation and rage blossom from that simple statement. How dare this nothing worm speak the Professor’s name. Like he thinks he has some right.

“Pain is the only way he ever learned. If it wasn’t for me he wouldn’t even be here. He gave me part of his heart. He wanted to be mine! He said we were both monsters!”

“Takeshi, he’s completely insane!” Decimo shrieks, “And for some reason he just keeps talking shit about Inari don’t listen to it. It’s all bullshit and crazy.”

The young swordsman, Takeshi she supposes, blinks down at them with a strange look in his eyes and then casts a look back at Tsunayoshi who hurries up to stand at his shoulder.

“You should really stop making such a nuisance of yourself Decimo,” Mukuro smiles.

Her eye burns.

And then her insides burn as reality warps around an impossible construction and a torrent of insects erupts from her midsection. Firing into the young swordsman and he falls back trying to fling them off of himself. Decimo screams blue bloody murder and if Cassandra had any ability to do so she would be screaming right along side him.

Instead she’s back on her feet she charges past the swordsman and a weapon slices deep into as it forms in her off hand. She doesn’t see what it is. Her attention is entirely focused on Sawada Tsunayoshi.

The manager is frantic.

The boy is furious.

The monster is howling.

There’s so much happening all at once and all he need to do is get Tsunayoshi. Just one hit and he can infect him. Just one hit and he’s one. And perhaps Professor Tsukishima doesn’t love him now. But he will once he’s wearing Tsunayoshi’s face.

So she doesn’t think he hears them

The rattling of chains.

She doesn’t think he notices

The acrid stench of death.

And even if he did, she doubts he would understand the relevance.

He grew up in a fortress in the sea.

He doesn’t know who’s here.

She’s afraid.

But happy.

She she still on a forward trajectory toward Tsunayoshi. Her blade is still posed to slay.

He’s distracted by the illusory bugs, by his friend who’s just been stabbed by something, by the baby screaming, by all the danger and peril around him.

He needs to learn to focus more. Even when using his Dying Will he’s too easily distracted by ambient stresses. Vongola’s Hyper Intuition is like a curse that way.

Enrico’s little teacher is probably working with him on that. Though considering the circumstances this might be the best he can do.

Federico had the same problem... He probably would have liked the Sawada boys.

She wants to shut her eyes.

She doesn’t.

She doesn’t deserve to.

A moment to impact.

And then

.

.

.

“Shigure Soen Ryu: Shibuki Ame.”

Her blade slams against a shield of wind and rain and when the blinding ice blue light clears from her vision there is a man standing before her.

Sword drawn.

The easy stance of a professional killer.

“So, what do you think you’re doing attacking my kids?”

“DAD!”

“Yamamoto-san!!”

‘Who-‘ Mukuro demands, enraged. And then suddenly there is a cacophony of input. Ken is screaming something. The girl is there. The construction of death is screaming.

The young swordsman is holding a bouquet of cherry blossoms.

HIS SKY IS IGNORING HIM IN FAVOUR OF THAT FILTH.

And then it goes quiet.

And Cassandra stares.

She knows this man.

Not personally, but she knows like any self respecting swords master knows in their line of business.

She knows the story of WOLF and CRANE.

It feels like Mukuro is trying to reach for something. To force something.

And then all of a sudden it’s like a freight train slams into her brain.

...

And for a split second the connection dies out completely as his attention hyper-focuses on another.And she’s Cassandra again.

Her skin crawls.

“Tsuna-nii!” The Ranking Prince cries out slamming into Tsunayoshi’s side. “I got help. I didn’t know what else to do so I got Yamamoto-san please don’t be mad at me! Ididn’tknowwhatelsetodo!”

Her skin crawls.

“Don’t worry kid!” Takeshi calls over, “You made the right call.”

There is something cracking and breaking.

Cassandra turns her head slightly to look over to him. And to whatever fate has befallen Lancia’s victims. She almost wants to smile when she sees the little red haired girl grappling the massive wrecking ball. She sees Lancia’s body try to pull it back, but he can’t the girl is too strong for him.

“I’ve got the dumb cow if someone wants to get him off of me.”

Cassandra’s off hand raises without her input and the familiar head of a trident forms.

And she fights it.

She fights it.

The feeling of bugs crawling under he skin intensifies.

She’s drug to her feet by a power not her own.

She looks into the darkness and sees a body wrapped and bandages and thinks:

Kill me.

Please, kill me.

But he just turns and walks at a steady pace down the street. She isn’t is quarry it seems.

There is a baby screaming and she can’t remember where her baby is. Where is her baby? Where is Federico?

She hurls the trident through the air at Decimo.

And the world stops as it’s caught in the delicate hand of a mousy haired woman wearing a green dress and an apron.

“... Mom?”

“Hello Tsu-kun,” The woman says as the trident dissipates in a flash of light in her hands. “Are you and your friends having fun?”

The woman is staring at her. Staring right into her, and Cassandra has never felt so threatened in her life.

It feels like JUDGEMENT.

It feels like DANGER.

It feels like ABSOLUTION.

“Mom, what did you-“

“Lambo-chan is crying. What happened?”

“The big guy grabbed him. And they attacked us and there’s another crazy guy who has been making all this strange and dangerous stuff happen and he really wants Inari and I don’t know where he is but I think he’s in trouble because I have a bad feeling and Mom how- how-how-” Decimo answers in frantic confusion as all of his friends come to gather around him, behind the protective barrier of what she assumes is mother and father. “Mom, how did you-“

“Tsu-kun, Mama will explain everything later, okay?”

And then this tiny woman, this little mother, takes a step toward Cassandra.

And the ground quakes.

“Mom?” Tsunayoshi whispers in terror and confusion.

‘Mom’ takes another step forward and Cassandra wracks her brain to try and remember this woman’s name. Had Iemitsu ever told anyone her name? She can’t for the life of her remember, and it is suddenly of vital importance because a titan wreathed in white fire is bearing down on her and Cassandra desperately wants to know the name of the woman who ends miserable existence.

She wants to pray.

A hand rests on the side of her face and she sobs as she feels the insects wriggling around beneath the skin. It hurts. She hate it. She wants them out of her.

“Poor thing,” SHE says, “This really has done you no favours.”

Cassandra feels light leaching into her skin. Feels burning inside.

“Don’t worry. We’re being pulled back into balance.”

And lightning strikes so bright and brilliant that the entire town is illuminated.

As LOGIC takes a big toothy Alligator bite out of MADNESS.

Cassandra falls.

* * *

* * *

I smash my fist into Mich- MUKURO’Sstupid smarmy fucking face. Because I reeeeeeally fucking want to. And when I feel the crunch of cartilage I’m instantly filled with such immeasurable gratification that I almost scream.

Just hitting him once makes me feel so much better.

Of course Mukuro has to ruin it.

He laughs.

Of course he laughs. He’s just that kind of asshole no matter what timeline we’re in. It’s irritating, but not entirely unexpected.

“Kufufufufu~ I think I know you pretty well, Professor,” he smirks, “I know what makes you ache and wiggle and squirm.”

Oh, yes, that doesn’t sound creepy at all. I would really like to file a restraining order against him now. Please and fucking thank you. Though I’m not sure if there is any police force in existence that has the requisite training to enforce a restraining order against a dimension hopping stalker.

And to that point I’m not sure if there are any legal bodies currently in existence that would accept a testimony about something that happened in another timeline. Although, maybe the argument could be made that since we both remember it happening, that it actually fucking happened.

Wait.

Alternate thought.

He has assaulted me in multiply instances in this life (though he was possessing other bodies at the time). I’m pretty fucking sure that I could build a case based on the strangling and arm wrenching and threats alone.

See, this is why I need that book on mafia law, should it actually exist. I’m pretty sure that the only law enforcement body that would actually believe my accusations about parallel world stalking would be underworld enforcers imbued with supernatural skills and strength.

I would have though they would have shown up by now. At least one of them should have shown up. Right? Am I remembering this right?

The fact that I can now remember where I learned this information from and yet cannot remember the information itself is absolutely infuriating. Why is there static?! Who’s brilliant idea was that?!

Oh, right, mine.

I desperately need a drink after this. Just one bender to get my head back in order. I’m pretty sure I deserve that much at least considering all the bullshit that I’ve had to deal with.

That and a magical restraining order against Rokudo Mukuro/Michael Estraeno.

Though that will probably require a lot of time, effort, and continued interaction with him that I’m not sure that I’m mentally or emotionally prepared to undertake.

It would be easier just to shoot him again. Or throw him into an abyssal oubliette if the opportunity ever arises.

A cold clamp hand strokes down my arm in a mocking parody of affection. The sensation violently bringing me back to the present moment with a flash of fear and panic and I flinch away from me before he can clamp his hand down on my arm again.

“You seem lost in thought, Dear,” He whispers into my ear.

How does he always manage to creep so fucking close to me!?

I shove my elbow back into his kidney area and scoot back while I have the chance. Because NOOOOOOOOOO.

No thank you. Not doing that again.

No.

No.

Nope.

Nope.

Fuck no.

“Keep your fucking hands to yourself,” I snap at him as I start backing away toward Reborn and Shamal. “I know it’s an alien concept to you, but personal space and consent are things that exist and when a person tells you to fuck off the right thing to do is leave them the fuck alone. Not, you know, force yourself upon them.”

“Kufufufufu~ You’ve gotten more violent.”

I’ve fallen for this play too many times now. Even an idiot like me can eventually learn his lesson.

“Still so nervous around me, Professor,” he says. And it sounds like he’s reading off of a script.

A convenient line for him to recite, because he knows that it’s going to get in my head. It feels weird. Everything about this is making my skin itch and I’m doing my fucking best to talk myself out of the creeping panic attack.

It was another life.

I was a different fucking man then.

I’m pretty sure he was some sort of terrible Eldritch horror then (not sure what that says about him now considering how he seems intent on dredging up the horrors of our shared not-past).

God, I miss Renato.

I want my Archive.

Why are my insides missing!? Why does everything hurt so much?!

Those were always true, but I’m even more fucking aware of it now. Which is unfortunate.

Focus.

He makes a vague reaching motion with his hand and I instinctively bring up own up to cover my throat protectively. I hate myself for it. Another flinch.

I was kind of hoping to project a more confident visage here.

He’s just standing there now. Looking smug as anything.

“Do you still have it?” He asks.

“Have what?” I snap, holding eye contact as best as I can as I sneak my off hand behind my back.

“The key to the kingdom,” he smirks his eye flashing to the kanji for one and behind him a door forms.

A painfully, heart-stoppingly familiar door.

The Vault.

Thevaultthevaultthevault.

I snap my fingers behind my back and fling my arm out toward him unleashing a torrent of vibrant orange lightning and glimmering majestic scientifically superior glitter. And it slams into him creating a net, a cage of shimmering pain that zaps him.

“Sorry, dick,” I sass him. A mean toothy grin crawling across my face as for a brief moment the ambient excess illusory lights flicker. “Your access has been revoked on account of I hate you.”

He screams as he gets zapped and frantically tries to brush the glitter off of him. Ha! Fat chance of that glitter doesn’t come off for fucking anything.

Enjoy being a sparkly beacon.

“Mukuro!” Chikusa suddenly shouts and attempts to rush at us. The little construct trailing behind him. Both of them move to attack but are stoped in their tracks by a series of shots.

The weaponized yo-yo is shattered to pieces in Chikusa’s hands. The little construct wails in terror as the spines crystalline sea urchins floating around it burst into shimmering shards.

Something illusory buzzes past them and suddenly they both lock up and drop to the ground unable to move.

“B-Ad, BA-d,” The little construct cries, “Fe-EEl b-AD.”

That is a poor scared little kid isn’t it? And on some level I appreciate that hekept all his fellow child experiments with him. But on another I am absolutely revolted by it because every single one of them is terrified and in pain and sobbing.

They don’t want to fight.

And I don’t think they’ve been given a choice.

Out of the corner of my eye I can see Reborn and Shamal still mostly frozen in place in the shadow of our new... friend made of friends...

God that’s terrible.

But the more I look at it the more... I don’t want to say it. Let’s just say that it is still deeply upsetting, but the wibbly way the world is looking with all the construction and lack of solidity is starting to make it look... FUNNIER than it rightly should.

God, I’m a fucking asshole.

I am also probably in the midst of an intense fucking panic attack/ existential crisis.

And mourning.

And spiritual alcohol withdrawal? Which I don’t think is a thing, but it may be just a thing for me.

“Monello?” Reborn inquires softly, somewhat distractedly. Snapping me back to the present moment where we are all still in some sort of mortal danger.

Reborn isn’t even looking at the two of them his attention is still predominantly on the Amalgamation. But he has Leon drawn and pointed at the two kids.

“I’m good, man,” I call back over to him. “Thanks for the save.”

He nods.

Shamal takes this moment to smack himself.

Repeatedly.

Across the face.

Under any other circumstances that would probably be funny, but considering the ambient smell of death, decay and the way that reality seems to be fracturing around us with all the construction energy in the air....

I actually seems like a reasonable response.

But also funny~

Fuck me I’m having a psychotic break aren’t I?

“This is a nightmare,” he states desperately, “this has to be a nightmare, right?”

I shrug, “reality’s gone a little wibbly at the edges... so sort of?”

Shamal turns at me with a look of terror and absolute incredulity, “what does that even MEAN?”

“It means we have some fucking shit to fix or fucked up shit like THAT,” I gesture emphatically at the bloated swaying flesh tree that’s starting to glow with a muddy conglomeration of flame types. “Is going to keep happening!”

‘What are you calling THAT, Sawada?!’ I hear Yui Kiba snarl from within the Amalgamate accompanied by several other enraged, frightened, and irritated ‘voices.’

“Oh, yes, that’s not disturbing at all~” I mutter under my breath. “That’s not a sign that I’ve completely lost my mind.”

Unless I haven’t and they’re all ALIVE in there... sort of?

“Inari?” Reborn asks.

“Nothing, nothing... actually hold up a sec.”

I dig into my bag.

Pull out my cellphone.

Snap a picture of said Amalgamation.

Call up my contact for “The Mad Science Guy.”

Type: How the actual fuck.

And send it all off.

“What the hell did you just do?” Shamal demands.

“I’m using my phone a friend hotline,” I inform him as steadily as possible as I drop the phone back in my bag.

“Unless your friends with God himself I don’t think there’s any helping this kid.”

“... I’m pretty sure he would be deeply offended if you equated him with God.”

Reborn gives me this look that’s a mixture of exhausted an irritated and understanding muddled together with a visible heartbreak and resignation... Wow, he’s really off his game if he’s emoting this much at me.

A good plan, Darling, Leon says, This situation could use a little more teeth. And for all that, that Old Dragon irritates me, it will be nice to watch him snap.

I don’t think Reborn or Shamal notice the way that the little handgun materializes twelve stalked eyes and winks them at me. It’s adorable endearing.

Literally speaking of course, my Darling, He continues, That little boos you gave us all drug him right back from the edge. It should be interesting to see.

“Kay. Cool,” I will commit that to memory and obsess over it later. Because, apparently I did something and I have no IDEA what that might have been, but it sounds IMPORTANT.

The Amalgamation suddenly lets out a loud low groaning sound and the three of us refocus on it on it as it pulses and dozens of eyes illuminate with indigo light. Probably not a great sign. I don’t have the faintest fucking clue what it can do, but at a glance I’m going to say ‘BAD SHIT.’

We can fix that.

... I think.

Maybe.

I’m pretty sure a construct like this had played a starring role in an ominously bleeding book back in another world. Fascinating that this crossover seems to be going so deep. It’s too bad he doesn’t seem to remember the finer points.

I actually am pretty sure everyone in there is still technically ‘alive’ just a little... scrambled?

Mukuro starts cackling, “Kufufufu~ don’t you like your gift? I destroyed your enemies and mine and I made you a guardian. You should trust me to know what’s best for you by now.”

I snap my fingers and zap him again. I put a little more juice into it this time too, because holy shit it is so much easier to do this now that I’m a little more together. I still have to be careful though.

“No I don’t like your monument of violation,” I snap, “You do realize that those are actual living people in there. They were people who had lives and people who love and care about them.”

“So?” Mukuro coughs with a mad sounding giggle, “No one cared when we were being taking apart~ Why shouldn’t I do the same?”

I grit my teeth and I zap him again.

Output is hard.

There isn’t much there and what is doesn’t replenish fast enough.

It would be inconvenient to go catatonic in the middle of the boss battle.

“Just because something terrible happened to you doesn’t give you the right to do terrible things to other people!” I scream, “I don’t know most of the people in there, but I know that at least five of them are KIDS from my school. And they’ve never done anything to you or to anyone else to deserve THAT.”

I can tell from the look on his face that I’m not getting anywhere. Not that I actually expected to I just needed it to be said.

No one deserves to be taken apart.

No one.

It’s a shitty fucking situation.

But I stand by what I said.

Just because he got hurt doesn’t give him the right to dish out more pain to random people.

“Well put, Inari.” Reborn says softly as he locks his eyes on the limp head and torso of ‘Gabriella.’ He seems to care about her a lot. I wonder who she is?

“We’re all dead,” Shamal interrupts us to dramatically despair, “we’ve all died and this is hell.”

“That would explain why I’m still listening to you complain,” Reborn snarks back absently his eyes fixed on Gabriella. 

I can’t help but snicker a little at the perfection of the delivery.

Mukuro takes a moment to pull himself back up and makes an attempt to brush the glitter off his clothes. It doesn’t work. That glitter wont come off until I tell it to come off.

“Why are you fighting me? I’m right. You should be helping me.”

“Are you even listening to yourself? Why the hell would I help you? You keep hurting me! That’s all you ever do!”

My voice goes shrill.

I feel sick.

I don’t want to do this. Every interaction with this man is always a painful mind fuck and I’m sick of it.

“Kid?” Shamal asks.

“Because you love me of course,” Mukuro says with a sick fucking smile, “Why else would you have given me your heart?” He presses the vibrantly glowing orange cracks across his face.

I want to throw up.

“Hey creep?” Shamal projects, “Just a quick note from someone who has been on both sides of this conversation. Stop. Before this becomes something a little more unforgivable.”

Mukuro sneers at him and crooks his finger and suddenly a column of fire erupts between us. Shamal dodges left I go right. And suddenly there is more fire and Reborn is dancing though it like a fucking expert.

Shamal is hopping around like his in a slapstick cartoon.

It isn’t real.

But it looks real.

And it feels hot.

And none of us want to risk getting the charred skeleton ending.

I end up by the Amalgamates feet and I cast my gaze upward into the furious and extremely conscious and alert eyes of Gabriella.

“Shush~” she says softly.

I immediately look away and pretend that I didn’t see the gathering of Rain Flames in her eyes.

Mukuro snaps his fingers and suddenly the Amalgamation moves in a lurching, jiggling way. It sways strangely it doesn’t really have an identifiable centred of gravity and all its limbs are so heavy it keeps almost toppling.

‘I’m going to puke,’ one voice says.

‘Let me out!’ Yells another.

‘Who’s touching my ass?’

‘Not me?’

‘Who’s arms are these?’

Yeah, everyone in there is still definitely a person and this is fucking wild. How the fuck am I supposed to fix that.

It makes a wild and reluctant swing toward-

“Shamal! Watch it!” I yell.

It swings at him, but a short burst of ice blue light slows it imperceptibly and Reborn kicks out Shamal’s legs in time to get him out of the way.

“If your going to insist on hanging around you can at least pay attention,” Reborn scolds him.

“Sorry, my lord and master, are my poor mortal reflexes to slow for you to tolerate?” Shamal grouses back materializing the imaginary shotgun in his hands and firing a burst of mist flames at the arm made of arms?

‘Fuck off Shamal! You have no idea what your aiming at!’ Shouts one man.

‘Of course he does, haven’t you seen us Andrew? We’re a hideous monstrosity!’

...

HOLY FUCK IT’S REBORN’S INFORMANTS!

That’s why the name Gabriella was ringing a bell.

“What the fuck did you do~” I ask vacantly staring up at them all.

“I told you,” Mukuro grinds out, “It’s a gift. And if you keep being so petulant I just might have to have it hurt you.”

“Oh, I’m sure I’ll live somehow,” I sass back and snap my fingers igniting the glitter on him again in a paralyzing net of electricity.

I take my chance to dodge through the legs made of legs so that theres a big fleshy body between the two of us.

“You always make such terrible decisions when left to your own devices,” Mukuro leers menacingly, or at least tries to. He looks much less frightening when he’s covered in glitter and slightly charred.

It really is so much easier to deal with him when we can hit his actual main body.

Also, I’m very happy that he’s here and not going at Tsuna. I don’t have words to describe how desperately I don’t want Mukuro anywhere NEAR my Bro-Bro. Particularly, because I don’t know how much of Michael is in there.

“Crush them,” Mukuro orders.

And then the Amalgamation moves.

A row of arms that has been stitched together, in absurd and logically nonsensical fashion, pulses and bulges in grotesque fashion as the large crystal embedded into the base of this ‘BRANCH’ glows a deep shade of violet.

Cracks and grows and-

I don’t even think as I launch myself and tackle Shamal to the ground before he looses his head to the sharp and jagged sheet of cracking violet crystal that shoots out from the row of arms.

As and it hovers above us ominously before there is a telling snapping sound and I only have half a second to realize that were about to be crushed like Wile E. Coyote in a Looney Tunes skit.

I guess the order to CRUSH was literal then? This seems like overkill. But then everything that Mukuro has thrown at us since June has felt like overkill. Assassins, monsters, crazy illusions projected across the world, this Amalgamate that is being held together with indigo matrix circuitry and pissed of people.

And if he actually is Michal, it fits him perfectly.

I try to scurry backward dragging a Shamal with me. He’s not really helping, but close quarters combat isn’t really his jam. He’s more the ‘I’ll kill you from a distance and you won’t even know I was there,’ kind of assassin.

“WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?” I hear Mukuro snap.

Oh, you know, trying to save someone who I actually sort of begrudgingly like and who has been making efforts to improve as a person?

Unlike someone else I know.

Reborn grabs me by the back of my shirt and flings both me and Shamal out from under the massive sheet of crystal in one swift, powerful motion. The pacifier hanging around his neck looks like a supernova it’s so bright.

Once we’re clear he doesn’t follow us out instead he adjusts his fedora, raises Leon up, and fires off a massive shot of concentrated Sun Flames into this massive shroud of viralant crystal and the entire thing shatters into sparkles and dust.

“Holy crap that was so fucking cool!” I gush, probably somewhat inappropriately considering the current circumstances. But, come on, there are sparkles and twinkling lights raining down on this horror show now.

Reborn just stands there in the thick of it with a smirk on his face.

“Glad you approve, brat.”

“I always approve of sparkles~”

He casually brushes off said sparkles from his suit as he moves over to the two of us, pointedly ignoring the way that Mukuro is fucking frothing at the mouth at him. I think my enemy from nightmares past might have bit off a little more than he could chew when he decided to pick a fight with an Arcobaleno.

In the other timeline, the one that the Archive had shown me, Reborn hadn’t been allowed to participate in the fight against Rokudo Mukuro. Though that timeline also hadn’t been suffering from the massive world breaking imbalance in the Tri-ni-sette.

Construction is dangerous when it treads out of line like this.

Reborn stops next to us. Leon still held in one hand as the other taps rapidly against his thigh. The only outward signal of how much this is freaking him out. 

It’s weird, Renato used to do something like that when he was having a panic attack and trying to math his way out of it. Adorable and upsetting at the same time. It’s crazy that another person would have the same tick.

N̸̡̨̡̧͓͖̮̼̼͚͔̗̯͚̦̬͕̱̭̟͙̗̝͓̘̣̣̭͇̭̣̮͇̪̦̉̔͛̍́̂͑͑̚̕͜O̴̫̜̩̱̹̜͖͇͕̲̟͍̟͙͓̞͉͉̬͔͊̊̋̕͝N̵͔̪͎͂̀̉̌̏͗͑̂̈́̂͑̓̐̓͋̒͌̓̐͂̈́́̈O̷̞̗̮͍̦̖͙͔̞̼̭̟̙̼͖̟̪̬͕̝̤̝̲͖̔͋̂̌̆͊̑͑͂̑̿̂̔̍̀̊̕͜͝͝͠N̸̛͚̠̼̺̰̦̰̟̻̦̙͋̆̀͋̆͂̎͂̿̾͝O̸̧̨̢̼͓͇̯̲͔͓̪̟͚͙̞̰̤̱̟̬̻̫̫̞͍̠̦̦̙̙͉̺͙͚̹͕̰̖̤͚̮̩̪̗͑̓̎̆̽͐̌̌̾̓̓͂̆̃̏̐̀̃̋̕͜͠͠ͅN̴̛̗͆͛͛̓͆̈̓̓̈̽͒̆̓̓̈́̽͒̏̐̒́͌̅̐̈̓̏͆͒͛̆̈́̑̈́̚̚͘͘̕͝O̵̙͚̣̖͚̭̱̱̺̜̬͈̽̏͋͋̓N̸̯̘͙̜̹̥̲̗͎̽͋͑̀̐́͒̀̿̓́̓̋͊͛̿̚͠͠ͅͅỠ̴̱̯͔̺͕̠̩̙̞̤̩͙͎̯̩͙̹̔̅̈́̾̔͆̈͆͗̂͌̊̉̀͊̋̎̂́͒̑̄̅̐̕͜͠͠N̴̢̛̹̼̮̺̲̮̲͙̣͛̑̑͑̾̈̾̿̐͌͑̊̔̄̽́̽̈́̀̍̏̀̈͑͑̑̔̍̒̾̈̏͒̕͠͠Ǫ̶̧̙̰̝̩͇̳̮̻͉̺̖̹̳̥̝̦̰͍͔͎͕͖͇̯̮̮͇̲̰̈͂̍͗̈́̿̓̔̈́̓̊͑̍͒͑̕͜͝ͅN̵̡̡̛͙̞̣̲͎̖͉̼̦͔̞̗̭̐̅̓̅̒́̿̋̒͋̐͂̑̏̓͌͌͛̒̅͆̆̋̃͛͋́̔͆̇͛̀͘̚͘̚͝͝Ǫ̵̢̢̢̨̨̛̣̝̹̠̜̪͇̻͉̖͓̙͈͙̦̠̥̝̮͚̪̭̞̳͚̝͉͚̺̥̰̹̫͖̣̊͆̃̔̈͛͑͐̈́̈́͒͆̈́̐̀̈́̊̐̔̀̈́̿͒̐́͗͒̀͊́̋̿͒̏̃̋͛̕̚͠͝͠͠͠͝

“I know you do,” Reborn says wryly, “You enjoy them so much that you took the most impractical invention in existence and turned it into your primary weapon.”

“To be fair, the scientifically superior glitter was all Verde, but I’ll take credit for the concept,” I pull myself to my feet, trying to ignore how much worse everything hurts now that I’m super present in my head.

I’m going to need to figure out how to fix this. Fast. Because it was bad enough when it was just a dull ache and I was a irritable little shit about it. If this is the new default setting I would like to go back to piloting behind the wall.

...Reaction time has improved now though which is a bonus.

“Yes, how could I possible have forgotten,” He snarks, “He’s constantly checking to see if you’ve decapitated yourself.”

“I stand by my belief that he is doing that to deliberately fuck with you. There is no way a guy with fifteen doctorates would be phoning someone if he legitimately thought they had been decapitated.”

Reborn snorts derisively.

“Speaking of which, did he get back to you?” Reborn inquires with mild curiosity.

I dig into my bag and pull out my phone.

There are 72 misses messages here.

All from Verde.

“Yup, but I don’t think I have time to read through them all right now~”

“He really has become talkative.”

Two more columns of fire erupt next to us but they don’t feel hot. They don’t feel like anything really. Reborn tenses slightly, but he didn’t move.

“He’s getting sloppy.”

“You two are impossible,” Shamal sighs, though he seems much less stressed out than he was only a moment ago.

“Ken what are you doing!? I said kill her!” Mukuro snaps interrupting our banter. His eyes are wild and tracking something I can’t see, “And YOU I told you to stab Decimo!”

And he’s ... not looking too hot actually. He’s sweating and shaking. Eyes flying all around indigo fire is wafting off of him like steam. Something is wrong with him. Reborn’s right he’s getting sloppy.

...

More so than the obvious insanity I mean.

He reaches out his hands to make something and he gets a bouquet of cherry blossoms in their place. He stares at them in incredulity before throwing them to the ground.

“Having some ‘performance issues’, Mr. Estraeno? Not that it would be the first time that you haven’t been able to satisfy~!” I joke, in somewhat poor taste. Though considering that he has been trying to dredge up the more traumatic aspects of our shared past I feel more than justified in poking fun.

The world darkens dramatically around us in an attempt at intimidation I assume? But it doesn’t last long as lightning strikes somewhere close by. Loud and deafening and bright.

Accompanied by deep amused laughter and the sound of a great bellowing pipe organ that is grounding everything.

There is a solidity that is creeping into the strangeness that is creating this strange sense of surreality.

Illusions are starting to burn away and flash harmlessly out of existence.

“Did I not leave you ‘satisfied’ last time, Professor? You were so non-participatory that I couldn’t tell,” He sneers, and I do my best to keep the flash of panic off my face.

Different life.

Different Inari.

Not ME.

... Not exactly.

“Next time I take you to bed I’ll be sure to-“

“Fuck you,”Shamal snaps.

~~YOU WON’T TOUCH HIM!~~ Leon screams as a cacophony rings in my ears.

And a shot rings out and Mukuro is nailed in the knee with a burst of Sun Flames. And he stumbles and crashes to the ground on his hands and knees.

As Reborn’s shadow looms over him with menace and malice.

“Would you care to repeat that you classless little rat,” Reborn says in a low dangerous tone.

“Jealous, Arcobaleno?” Mukuro taunts from his crumpled position, “Not that you could ‘partake’ in that stunted form of yours~”

I snap my fingers and a giant hand comprised of a tangerine orange miasma filled with glitter slams him to the pavement with brutal force.

“Yeah, you’re going to shut the fuck up now okay? No more of the creepy rapey talk please and fucking thank you. Shit has gone sideways enough as it is with the fucking nightmares you’ve pulled out of the abyss without adding in that lovely bit of legend lore.”

He a couple of big ass snakes slither out beneath his hands fangs bared and hissing.

I stomp on one. Shamal stomps on the other and both dissipate into a haze of mist. And Mukuro stares in incomprehension.

He’s running out of steam.

And that’s never happened to him before.

He’s getting crude and desperate. And the more I look at him now the less frightening he looks.

He’s just kind of... Pathetic.

Monsters are scarier when you can’t fully see them. They’re scarier when you’re alone. They’re scarier when their hidden and you don’t know where to find them.

In another life Michael Estraeno had terrified me.

He had terrified me so much that part of that terror had followed me into another timeline. And even when I didn’t remember who he was I was always knew when he was watching.

When he was looking at me though another person.

When he was creeping on me as an owl in a tree.

When he was trying to peek in on those things that aren’t dreams... Because I don’t dream here... and I think he might be partly to blame for that.

He’s threatened my brother.

Threatened my friends.

Hurt me so many times.

I stare down at him as he’s pinned to the ground with a comically oversized, flamboyantly shimmering glove and I just want to laugh. Reborn settles onto my shoulder and I am covered in a protective shroud of warmth that makes me feel less sore and more bubbly. Shamal stands close at my side and glares down at Mukuro with this look of revulsion.

He’s not that bad. Shamal’s an abrasive sunavabitch, but he has a good heart underneath all of that terrible flirtation and faux chivalry. Still a dick though.

“What are you doing?” Mukuro snaps at me. “Why are you looking at me like that?!”

The place where my flames break the skin on his face show clearly. They pulse with the beat of my drum and they don’t belong there.

He’s not scary anymore.

“I’m done with this, dude. And from the look of it so are you.”

He pants and shakes and looks around and then glares up at the Amalgamation.

“I told you to crush them,” He snarls.

“And I told you to rot in hell. But alas neither one of us got what they wanted. I blame it on shitty listening skills,” A crisp and deeply sardonic woman speaks from within the Amalgamate.

From above us.

Huh... this is weird...

“I guess we’ll all have to live with the disappointment,” Gabriella arches an eyebrow at Mukuro who’s starting to hyperventilate.

“Gabby?” Shamal says, though his voice has gone up several dozen octaves.

“Hello Shamal,” She greets, “Lovely day we’re having isn’t it?”

“What is this?” Reborn asks as he stares up at her.

“I’m not sure, Boss,” She grins crookedly down at him. “Honestly, I think we look pretty ridiculous.”

“Also we’re here too!” A man’s voice calls out, “Just so you know.”

“And you know like twenty other people who don’t have mouth? Or vocal chords?” A deeper voice adds.

“Marco? Andrew?”

“You should all be dead,” Mukuro says vacantly as thunder rolls and dozens of bolts of lightning hit across the city.

And I hear something.

A pipe organ playing. Not broken and chaotic, scientifically directed in sharp and precise notes.

And deep resonating laugher as more and more bolts of lightning strike the Earth.

~~There’s his teeth~~ ~ Leon sings in excitement, ~~Oh, he is gloriously angry isn’t he? I do hope I get a chance to watch when he snaps that irritating little snake in half.~~

“Just as dead as you’ll be once we figure out how to sit our gloriously enormous ass on you,” She promises and I can hear the accompanying chorus of voices adding in their agreements.

So very, very weird.

He reaches out his hand and tries to make... something? But nothing happens. And the look of panic that comes across his face when nothing happens is telling.

“Cassandra!” He snaps. “Get Decimo now get-“

Somewhere in the distance there is a flash of white light and the ground rumbles and shakes.

And Mukuro curlers into a ball and screams.

Bro-Bro’s fine. He’s probably having a Mom inspired panic attack right now, but he’s fine. Seriously, we’re never doing long distance enemies ever again this was so much easier to handle when this dick came here.

More lightning strikes and as it does the Amalgamate begins to shudder and lurch uncomfortably.

~~Oh dear, That will probably be messy if I don’t do something about it,~~ Leon observes, ~~I hope you don’t mind, Darling? It will hurt him rather badly if he loses them again after this.~~

I nod. I’m not about to argue with the Eldritch God that is willing to break the laws of life and death for us. I have no idea what Leon is planning to do, but I can only assume that it will be weird and awesome.

A hand clamps down on my ankle and I look down at Mukuro who is glaring daggers up at me.

I flinch.

And Reborn instantly moves. He jumps down from my shoulder and lands hard on Mukuro’s wrist. And our foe snarls in pain and retracts his grip. Reborn, noticing that Leon has somehow migrated onto Gabriella’s head, reaches into his jacket and pulls out his actual real gun.

The GLOCK.

And he points it at Mukuro’s head.

“Inari?” He asks.

And I love him for it.

“Please don’t,” I say.

“Are you sure?” He asks again not quite retracting it yet.

I breathe deeply and listen to the approaching rattle of chains.

Finally.

“For now yes... He has another appointment anyway. And... your friend seems to be trying to get your attention.”

I nod over to the Amalgamate and I can see the unraveling starting to happen. And the blanket of super charged Sun Flames that Leon is putting out to keep them all from falling to pieces.

“Oi, Reborn! Check it out I have a million arms!” Gabriella shouts and I instantly adore her. She’s in pieces and still smiling.

“So you are alive,” A sardonic scientist drawls as he enters the scene.

“I am,” I answer slowly, “And weirdly so are they.”

I gesture to the Amalgamate and the song on the pipe organ plays a dramatic riff of excitement.

“So I see. This is fascinating”

“While normally I would be irritated by your lack of scientific reporting I’ll give you a pass this time,” Verde says as he wanders toward the Amalgamation of people, “This is fascinating and I doubt your puny mind would be able to accurately convey... Well I’ll be honest this is a mess and I’m sorry to inform you all that the degradation rate of the illusion puts the lifespan of this... body at t-minus twenty seven seconds.”

“WHAT?” Reborn snaps, going from irritated to panicked all at once.

“Hmm... Don’t worry Reborn. They won’t die. I will need to borrow your doctor.”

“... Shamal do as he says,” Reborn orders.

“What? With what?!”

“You’ll see in three, two, one-“

And then all at once the pieces of twenty people fall to the ground like a grotesque Jenga tower. Only there isn’t any blood and all the organs look like their functional and the hearts are all beating. And there are suddenly at least a dozen voices raising up a panic.

Damn.

...

I know at least one head is missing and I don’t know what that means for Yamada-sempai. But I have a heavy feeling in my chest that tells me that he’s dead. For real.

“You’re ruining it,” Mukuro mutters, “We were so close to winning. I just needed Tsunayoshi’s body and then I could burn the Mafia to the ground.”

“And then what?” I ask, “You hurt thousands of more people who’ve done nothing to you.”

“It’s the mafia they deserve to burn. We would build something better on their bones. If you just let me into the vault again I could-“

“No,” I say quietly.

“They hurt me,” He snaps, “They hurt you! You’ve been hollowed out you’ve been lobotomized I can see it.”

I flinch.

And I breathe.

“That’s why you don’t love me anymore isn’t it?!”

“Aren’t you angry?! Don’t you hate them?!” He demands.

I look down at him.

He looks smaller now. Just a trick of the mind I know.

“Yeah,” I start and crouch down next to him. Not too close, but close enough so that I can look him in the eye. “True, some asshole in the mafia hurt me. They hurt Tsuna too. It was a really shitty thing that happened and, yes, it still fucking hurts, and, yes, I’m still dealing with it.”

“Then why won’t you help me DESTROY IT?!” He tries to lash out.

To create his trident again.

To hurt me.

It crumbles to pieces before it can even fully form in his hand. And he looks so devastated.

Fuck it.

“Because just because some fucker hurt me, doesn’t give me the right to go out and hurt a whole bunch more people. And even it it did it wouldn’t help anything, dumbass. All it would do would make a whole bunch more miserable people and so on and so forth into fucking infinity.”

“The world has enough misery in it as it is without me adding to the metaphorical pile. I’m a scrappy fucking shit disturber, but when you get down to it I really don’t like hurting people. And-“

I cast a look over my shoulder to where Reborn and Verde are sorting through the surreality of pieces of people pulling themselves together. As a member of the DC trades arms with a large red haired man and they both laugh.

At the blonde woman that Reborn identified as Gabriella snorts and cackles as Shamal finally vomits into the gutter.

“And if I’m going to put anything into the world I would rather it be a little bit of joy. Something ridiculous that will make something smile.”

Mukuro just glowers at me.

“Pathetic,” he spits, clawing his way toward me. “If you have the power to punish them you should use it. You should let me-“

A shot rings out and ricochets off of the pavement next to him stopping him dead in his tracks.

Reborn give me an asking look, ‘shall I?’

I quirk a grin at him and shake my head slightly, ‘naw, I got this.’

“You’re really not going let your pet kill me?”

“Naw,” I say with a lazy grin as I listen to the approaching ominous sound of rattling chains, “I don’t think that’s going to help anything.”

And I look up into the bandaged face of -

“Jaeger, right?”

Everything around us goes silent.

Half formed people are still continuing to pull themselves together but those who have been part of the Mafia stare in horror at the appearance of the boogie man. One of the wardens of Vindice Prison.

He inclines his head, but doesn’t answer.

Instead he drops a heavy chain that begins to wrap itself around Mukuro again and again until he is cocooned and trashing.

A few yards behind him I can see seven other figures bound in chains. Ken, Chikusa and several of the crystalized children... the ones with enough working organs to still be alive in their prisons.

They seem more asleep than unconscious.

“One thing first?” I ask him. “He has something of mine and I really don’t want to have to go on a mad mission to the Swiss Alps to get it back.”

And I reach out and touch the cracking scar on Mukuro’s face and pull my flame out of him.

“NO, STOP YOU GAVE IT TO ME ITS MINEITSMINE!!!”

“It’s not.” I say and gently as I can I rip it out of him.

And he looses consciousness with a terrible look of betrayal on his face. But it’s not my job to fix him. Not my job to try to bend over backwards and make nice with someone that has spent two lives hurting me.

I wont wish him ill, but I also won’t twist myself to make his life more convenient.

“They’ve had it rough,” I tell Jaeger.

“I’m aware.”

“I’m not sure what you’re guys policy is with rehabilitation, but their just kids and-“

He drags Mukuro up and pulls him over his shoulder.

“We aren’t entirely without compassion. But it is also now out of your hands little Vongola.”

Reborn strolls up to my side and does his best to stare down Jaeger. He doesn’t know. He doesn’t know yet.

He will eventually.

There is a rattle of chains.

A tearing in the sky.

And then they’re all gone.

And everyone heaves a sigh of relief.

“... You know what?” I ask Reborn after a long moment passes of us staring into empty space as Hotaru fights with a mafioso over ownership of a spleen yards behind us.

“Hmm?”

“Considering my propensity for bad luck I’m amazed that this didn’t all go down on either one of our birthdays. Which leaves me wondering what bout of chaos will transpire on the thirteenth and or fourteenth of October. And yes, Sunshine, before you ask I did, in fact, premonition the date of your birth. So don’t think you can pull a fast one on me~”

“I wouldn’t dream of it, brat.”

“Though I entirely endorse some level of trickery with Tsuna and the boys.”

We continue to chatter idly as a crazy silly impossible thing happens.

As I hear the most familiar voice calling my name.

And once Tsuna has me tight in his arms I let the tears come. And they don’t stop for a very, very long time.

.

.

.

.

.

* * *

* * *

Ÿ̷̪̲̠́͘o̵̝̾̈́u̴͕̘̤̅̋ ̶͇̳̦̍c̷̡͚͈̀͂a̵̡͇̐͊́n̴̖̊’̴͎̓t̸̞̬̜̂͠ ̸̗̋̔̊͜ị̵̒͗̈́ͅg̷̤͐̓͐ṅ̸͙͜o̸͚̅͝r̵̖͙̊̔̒e̸͙͝ ̸̧̜̀́̇ṃ̵̜͂̕ě̸̑͜ ̴̧̪͒͠ḟ̸̲̺́̍ö̷̱͜r̵͗͜e̸͕͚̔v̸̧̻̬̉ḙ̵̤͗r̷͎̙̥̐ ̵̮̭̥́̅͐ÿ̶̧̙́o̴̼̒u̵̧͗̈́̏ ̶̤̑͋k̸̩̙͠n̶̠͖̓ò̶̮̭͓w̶̛̦̿͒.̷̣̣̱͋̓̈́

Timoteo continues to write.

Ignoring it.

He has to ignore him.

Y̴̛̪͍̟̐̅̑̄ǫ̷̻̰̽ủ̴̜̩̾͋͆͜ ̸͍̦͔́̈́͂s̵̙̬͖͚̫̾͜h̵̹̺͕̟̏̏͠ͅo̵̤̓̆ȕ̷̘͔̘̠̟ͅl̴̡̧̧͕̥̲̃̑̃d̸̬̈́̈̈́́̓͘ ̴̧̰̥̌̐ḻ̸̦͇̳̗̳̓͝e̷̪̤̫̖͆̆͌ţ̸̩̾͐̈́ ̶̧̫͖̈̚͠h̵̜̐͐̄ị̸̢̻̭̭̝́̑͆͛m̴̱̭̮̔ ̴̲͖̠̍͛͑ő̴̗̠͈͇̂u̸̝͋̐̃̓t̵̤͌̈́͒͗̑.̷̘̮͈̦̆

He can’t

He doesn’t know what will happen.

Timoteo looks up.

Furious red eyes blaze back down at him and he folds in on himself.

L̵̦̘̜̈̔Ę̷̬͌͗̇̈́T̸̩̀̊̀͗ ̵̛̪̰̭͑̕Ḩ̸̺͈̙̠͚̅I̵̖̼̪̙͍͓̒́͒̚M̵͇̗̥̰̻̺̎̒̌͘ ̴̧̅O̶̺͇̥͍͗̔̎̈̊̕U̴̩͇̘̤̥̰͛͐̈́͋͘͝T̴̡̙̮͎̦̺̆͑́̕

.

.

.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And thus ends the Mukuro Arc! Huzzah!
> 
> The monster has been slain (in some sense of the word) and he will not be bothering our party of adventurers again (at least not for a long time). But there are still some questions to be asked and answered and adventures to be had. 
> 
> Please let me know what you thought about this chapter and this arc! I absolutely love hearing from you all it brings such a spark of brightness into my day!
> 
> I’ll see you all next week as we venture forth into the great unknown and embark on the next part of Sass and Win :)


	32. Shake It Off

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Because we’ve got places to go and people to see.

A lot happens in the immediate aftermath of Mukuro’s circus of grotesque-ness. Tears, screaming, somewhat inappropriate laughter.

Usually, I would have been rendered unconscious for this part. If we were going by the trend established in our previous confrontations with Mukuro and all his fucking bullshit at least.

I guess since he was defeated and Jaeger and Vindice have taken custody of Mukuro and the others we broke that cycle.

Soooo, I’m conscious.

Sort of?

Like, eighty percent of my available brain power is being used to reorient myself with... myself? I guess?

Tsuna is cool being clung too though so I’m just going to keep doing that.

Hayato is lingering just off to the side looking at us awkwardly as we hug it out in the middle of the street in the aftermath of this gruesome horror show. Takeshi and Kyoko had rushed in to help our classmates that are in the process of trading around half a dozen hearts trying to fit the right one back in their chest.

I’m pretty sure I heard Takeshi mention something about the Cave Troll and HARU hanging out together. But the mental image of Kyoya on being anything even vaguely resembling a date is a little too much for my brain to handle at the moment.

... Good for Kyoya for making new friends?

Yeah, no, gonna wait until more brain power is available before I unpack that. I’ll find Tetsuya and laugh about it with him. Or cry.

Every so often I’ll glance up over his shoulder to make sure that Reborn is still in eyeshot (and Shamal, because I have become begrudgingly fond of that asshole). They are.

They’re both fine.

Everything’s fine.

... For a certain definition of ‘fine’ at least.

Reborn’s informant, Gabriella, is busy regaling them with some sort of animated story as she now waves around her one and only arm madly. There are two men still in the midst of pulling themselves back together watching her fondly and calmly answering Reborn’s questions.

Gabriella looks over and catches sight of me and Tsuna clinging together at the edge of the chaotic spread and beams. She waves at us and I wave back.

Still have no idea who she is exactly, but I feel absurdly fond of her for her ability to just keep rolling with shit.

And, you know, for the fact that she is very effectively keeping Reborn and Shamal distracted and therefore they can’t ask me about the extremely personal, impossible to explain bullshit that Mich- Mukuro was dropping left right and centre during that fight.

Because, fuck...

I owe Reborn a story, but I don’t think I’m quite ready to unpack all of THAT. Not unless someone is willing to buy me a shit ton of booze and sit back as I drink myself into a numb oblivion.

“ _Uncle_ -“

Only I’m not going to do that.

No matter how fucking much I want to. It’s a bad show and won’t do anyone any good.

...

But fuck do I want it~

Eventually a massive alligator walks onto the scene looking extremely smug and somewhat electrically charged. Keiman chuckles as half naked and somewhat traumatized mobsters, middle schoolers, and, well, the rest of us assholes.

To be perfectly honest, I get only about as far as alligator before my brain starts to short circuit more and more.

I slump hard against Tsuna and the two of us slowly lower onto the ground watching the chaos unfold before us. And I cling to him. Even after I stop crying, I cling to him. The fact that I get to be here with him suddenly means so much more.

Again.

I was with him before. Like this. My kind and wonderful brother.

Before we were both broken.

“He didn’t try anything weird with you did he?” Tsuna asks after a long moment as we watch Takeshi and Kyoko help our classmates get themselves back onto their feet as Verde and Shamal work under Reborn’s somewhat distracted supervision.

The tiny hitman keeps sending increasingly concerned looks back our way.

I give him something vaguely resembling a thumbs up and narrowly avoid falling backwards thanks to an alligator laying down behind us like a backrest.

“HIEEEE!” Tsuna shrieks as the toothy face snaps next to him playfully.

Tsuna frantically reaches out and manages to catch Hayato by the knees pulling him down on top of us... and you know the giant Eldritch Alligator who was moments ago amassive lightning storm.

“Ow!”

“Ahh! Tsuna-Sama!?”

“Sorry! Sorry! Sorry!” Tsuna chants and inches all three of us slightly more to the left of the laughing massive reptile an whispers, “Alligator.”

“Relax, Bro-Bro,” I mumble tiredly, “he’s a friendly.”

**Careful, Morsel** , Keiman booms, **we wouldn’t want you scrambling that little brain of yours even more than it already is.**

**Be nice, you terrible beast** , Leon chides him, **the little Darling has been through a lot.**

**Getting soft in your old age, Leo?** Keiman laughs.

... **Did you just call me OLD!?**

I don’t know if anyone else caught the moment where Leon briefly dropped his adorable chameleon form and became something exponentially more horrifying. I’m going to say ‘no’ though. Or else there would probably be much more screaming going on right now.

And not just confused mobsters screaming at each other and Shamal demanding to know where the fuck they are and what the fuck is going on.

“Inari,” Tsuna pokes me.

Ow.

Just ow.

“What?”

I look over and see both Tsuna and Hayato giving me this weirdly concerned look. Which probably means that I just zoned out for a lot longer than I realized.

Cool.

Awesome.

I alway love showing off my decaying mental state to my loved ones.

“I’m fine. Peachy with a side of keen. I just may have over done it a little. What with the spell casting feats and all. I’m not super great with the magical electricity output now? Yet? But, hey, plus side, I didn’t fucking electrocute myself this time.”

... on the outside.

“Are you guys okay? I think at some point during the actually insane monologue Mukuro said he was fighting you guys too? Somehow? At the same time? And you guys do look a little scuffed up.”

Hayato and Tsuna exchange a complicated look.

“Della Rosa and some big fuck with a wrecking ball came to the baseball idiot’s place. The dumb cow ran out and got himself grabbed and they were both tough as shit-“ Hayato starts and then stops.

“ **What do you mean that he grabbed Lambo!? What the hell happened to my kids!?** ” I demand aggressively.

And I immediately regret it because holy fuck that was energy that I can’t spare. I curl into a ball as a literally electric bolt of pain stabs through my head and down my spine. The world goes fuzzy and staticy at the edges and I try to breathe through it.

“Lambo and Futa are both fine,” Tsuna assures me as he rubs my back, “Futa got Yamamoto-san and ... Mom and they saved us. The kids went home with her.”

I think he’s misreading agony for panic. Which is probably honestly for the best, because I really don’t want to explain why there is so much ‘OW’ without any discernible cause.

... Wait...

“Mom?”

I pull myself out of my ball and look at them wide eyed.

“Mom did...”

“Yeah,” Tsuna confirms.

And I’m not sure exactly what he’s confirming, but from the looks on their faces it must have been pretty fucking epic. I slump back over Keiman’s back and stare up at the night, or rather, evening sky.

“Cool. That’s cool did she do the whole-“

“Yes.”

“Did she say-“

“No.”

“Huh.”

We sit in silence for a long moment as Tetsuya walks onto the scene and the guys from the DC rush him in tears of happiness and tackle him to the ground. Good thing that he’s such a big guy or that might have been problematic for him.

It takes an enormous amount of effort, but I manage to wave at him.

He waves back though he is staring at something behind me.

I glance back and see the enormous glittering orange hand waving along with me.

Oh... right.

“You should probably stop that before you send yourself into cardiac arrest again, idiot,” Verde snarks from a few meters away holding up one of his crazy Star Trek-esque scanners in my direction.

Three things happen very quickly at that point.

I snap my fingers to de-spell my sparkly construction.

Reborn and Tsuna shout/snap, “WHAT!?” In perfect unison. And I will most definitely have to remember to give them shit about that later.

And I black out into blissful unconsciousness.

Thank Christ.

Dealing with the aftermath of these climactic battles seems like more trouble than it’s worth. Someone can carry me dramatically over the threshold of our home and give me the bullet points later.

* * *

* * *

An alligator did it.

Carry me dramatically over the threshold of our humble abode and into the loving and caring arms of my cosmically powerful mother I mean.

I was also accompanied by an Eldritch creature masquerading as a chameleon and a familiar fedora placed gently on my aching head.

And you know my frantic and panicked twin brother who is just about done with everything of today and our equally done with all of this bullshit spiritual/mafia brother.

I’m pretty sure I gotten some sort of achievement or trophy for most melodramatic return home after a climactic battle. And, you know, some secret trophies for unlocking my traumatic backstory... again? Because I used to know this. It was somewhat more scrambled when I was ... new here, but I knew it.

Mom hadn’t even blinked when she had opened the door to one son hyperventilating about the alligator and the other one woozily sitting on it’s back wearing a chameleon like a neck warmer. She had just ushered everyone inside and became a loving and soothing hurricane that soon had Tsuna and Hayato tucked into bed with the kiddos.

“It’s only nine thirty,” I announce when she gives me a questioning look. “All of that shit happened and it’s only nine thirty.”

She laughs lightly and wraps me up in a warm tight hug.

And that means everything to me.

“Tea or coffee, Sweetheart?” She asks as we meander down the stairs and she settles me into the kitchen.

“Coffee~” I trill and rest back into my seat pausing for a moment to adjust my feet as Keiman slides into place under the table.

**I always preferred tea myself** , He chuckles.

**Those fruit blends are always rather nice aren’t they?** Leon adds with a whimsical sigh.

“I have blueberry or pomegranate,” Mom interupts without looking back.

None of us speak.

And, okay, I suspected that Mom can hear the same things I can. The confirmation is both mentally validating and terrifying.

“Well?” She snaps and... Fuck I’m a grown ass man, but hearing her snap like that scares the crap out of me.

**Pomegranate would me lovely, my liege** , Leon speaks after a tense moment.

“Blueberry it is then!” She chirps with such gleeful hostility that I’m frozen rigid I gotta my seat.

“Mom?”

She looks at me and her expression immediately softens into something more familiar Mom-like.

My heart’s still beating a mile a minute as I look at her though. I don’t know why, but something about the way that she’s been acting is...

“Are you okay, Mom?”

She lets out a long sigh and stares up at the ceiling as the kettle bubbles and boils.

“Dad was much better at this than me,” She says finally casting her gaze down on me, Leon and Keiman. “When I was Tsu’s age he told me that I would understand one day and I called him a fucking liar to his face before I ran off to Italy. And now I’m in the same situation.”

I raise an eyebrow at her and she keeps a serious face for all of a second before she bursts out laughing.

“It been awhile since I’ve heard you swear~”

“The PTA tends to frown upon the expletives, sweetie.”

The kettle finishes boiling and Mom gets to work on the coffee and the blueberry tea. Because, yeah, she is committed to that even though the pomegranate tea is right there.

“So, uh, ‘Liege?’” I ask.

Leon and Keiman aggressively do not answer. I am fairly certain that they are both somewhat terrified of Mom. The two super powerful Eldritch beings are terrified of my mom.

I don’t know what the proper emotional response to that is.

“Hmm, I promised Tsu I would explain later. Do you mind?”

“If you don’t want to I’m not going to force you. I know saying shit can be hard sometimes.”

Mom sets my smiling kitty mug down in front of me and gives me a peck on the forehead and thunks the tea pot down with a little more force than is probably called for.

“I’m glad to have you back,” she whispers before pulling away.

”Did I go somewhere?”

She gives me a sad, lost sort of look.

“I’m not sure. Dad wouldn’t tell me. But I can hear your song more clearly now. It’s more what it once was and has less missing pieces.”

I can’t answer.

I don’t know how.

“Tsu was alway there, muted as he was. I could still find him. You were GONE and then you were different and he couldn’t tell me why...”

She looks out the window into the lifting cloud cover and the full moon that is starting to peak out behind them.

“Mama has some ‘work’ to do sweetie. This has caused a mess in our local current and I finally have the opportunity to make some corrections. Do you mind?” She says suddenly her voice and mood suddenly picking back up to something peppier.

“Um, no?”

Not that I really have a clue what she’s talking about. It sounds a little more important than hanging around in the kitchen while I drink coffee with my reptilian cohorts and wait for Reborn to get home.

I get that she needs to decompress though.

We use similar recharge tactics.

“Don’t worry about me I’ve got good company,” I tell her motioning between Leon (who has reached out a few tendrils to prod at the teapot) and Keiman who is glancing up tentatively.

“My sweet boy. Say the word and I’ll be back before you can say global annihilation~”

I stare after her in mute silence and listen as the door to her studio opens and shuts.

“Why would I ever say that?”

The only response I get is Leon pouring tea into Keiman’s enormous mouth.

* * *

* * *

Over the next hour or so myreptilian cohorts continue to drink their blueberry tea and munch on sugar cookies in suspicious silence as I gaze out the window, down at my phone which buzzes every few minutes as Reborn checks in.

Also Takeshi and Yamamoto-san are watching baseball highlights and every time something interesting happens he texts me.

I’m tempted to move into the living room myself just so I can turn the TV on for some ambient noise, but I’m tired and sore and I have a fantastic alligator footrest and chameleon neck pillow keeping me comfy and calm.

Reborn had left Leon strict instructions to look after me. I had regained pseudo-consciousnesses for long enough to feel him drop his much beloved fedora on my head for the um-teenth time and rest Leon on my shoulder.

He’s being the responsible and functional adult who is able to compartmentalize and get on with shit. He has some rounds to do.

Making sure his informants are all good (being as they are all visibly missing some pieces and don’t have a wallet or piece of ID between them).

Checking in on Dino.

Checking in on Cassandra’s current status (Because apparently Mom left her alive. And I’m going to have to go talk to her at some point because if what Reborn has been telling me is true she had been through some god awful shit).

And so on and so forth.

My phone buzzes.

‘Brat, why is Dame-Dino at the hospital?’

Ah...

‘Because I’m a terrible blabbermouth and I didn’t realize that it was supposed to be a secret?’ I text him back, ‘He asked why you were heading to the hospital and I told him without thinking.’

‘I would prefer that he and Cassandra were not alone together for the time being. Considering everything that has happened.’

‘My bad~’ I send, ‘My brain keeps fucking up.’

I wait for his response for a long moment. Tapping my fingers on the outside of my still full cup of coffee. Listening to Leon and Keiman chatter about the best way to roast frog... they seem to have reached a truce based entirely on their mutual hatred toward Fantasma.

I almost feel bad for the little frog dude.

Almost.

My phone rings.

“You should go to sleep,” Reborn says.

I can hear Shamal and Verde and a few other less familiar voices chattering in the background.

“Yeah, sure,” I snort, “I get right on that.”

“Inari...”

“It’s fine, man. I’m just... processing. I should have gotten Jaeger to write down their hotline number so I could check to make sure they have everything under control. I’m sure they do, that’s their job after all, but Mukuro is tricky he can do this thing with pictures of himself, maybe? I don’t know. I’m probably stressing over nothing.”

Reborn sighs.

“Are you going to tell me how you know one of the Vindice wardens by name?” He sounds terribly amused and vaguely anxious all at once.

I’m glad that he decided to latch onto the Jaeger thing and not the Mukuro thing. I think he may have some inkling of how much I really don’t want to talk about him.

“Same way I know everything, dude.” I laugh, pick up the coffee cup, and immediately put it back down.

“Your extremely specific and impossibly accurate premonitions.”

“Mmmm, something like that.”

“Meaning?”

I quietly stare into the middle distance and think about the Vault, about the Archive and the bending of space.

Nothing changes.

The Vault doesn’t magically appear. The kitchen doesn’t fold into a massive hexagonal space lined with bookshelves.

You don’t get the things you lose back.

Life doesn’t work like that.

No matter how unfair it might be.

“That’s more of an in person conversation and less an ver the phone conversation. And on that subject, are you going to be coming home soon? Or Do you still have shit to do?”

I immediately hear the dumb needy shit that came out of my mouth and backtrack before he can respond.

“Not that there’s any pressure or anything. I know you’re all busy with this drama. I’m not trying to rush you or anything and you must be thrilled to get to see your friends again. They seem swell. And you know I’m just going to hang up now before I subject you to any more of my bullshit rambling. Night dude. See you later.”

I hang up and slam the phone down on the table next to me and ignore the fact that my face is burning.

I swear to god I’m not usually this fucking needy.

The phone buzzes again and I glance over at it warily.

I know that Reborn isn’t about to cast massive judgement down on me for being emotionally unstable. But that doesn’t mean that I’m not going to judge myself.

‘I need to finish interviewing the mafioso that came out of that thing. Once I finish with that I’ll behaving a meeting with Coyote and some of Nono’s other advisors over the phone.’

‘If you need me to come back sooner just ask. There isn’t anything that I can’t do another time. I would just prefer to get it over with so I don’t have to keep having the same pointless interview with this irritating riff-raff.’

A small smile breaks across my face and I absently play with the brim of the fedora.

‘Have fun with your magical mafia post conflict housekeeping :)’ I send, ‘I’ll keep you posted and you do the same, k? I see you tomorrow.’

‘Try to sleep, Monello.’

I put down the phone.

So he’s stuck cleaning up after Vongola... again. This is starting to get more and more irritating every time that it happens. I don’t think they went out of their way to help us with a single fucking thing that happened over this entire conflict.

Tsuna, their one and only heir, was put in mortal peril on multiple occasions by a MAFIA THREAT and they didn’t even believe Reborn when he told them. Shit was so bad that even the Vindice showed up.

And what? Dad and the Old Man can’t even bother to get up off their assess and drop in?

Actually do something useful?

So we can’t trust Vongola to handle a single god damn fucking thing.

Nothing new.

We already knew that.

No, I’m not bitter and plotting a coup~ Why would you think such a thing~

... I just want Reborn to hurry and come home.

He’s my friend and I miss him when he’s not here.

I feel safer when he’s with me too and, well, I don’t think I’ll be able to sleep until he’s home.

At least he gave me hat~

I’m not going to argue. I love getting to wear the hat. It’s like getting my much loved security blanket back after forgetting it on vacation. Not that he would have any IDEA the significance his thoughtful gesture has for me.

...

I had clung to that hat through everything. It had meant so much that even before I had any awareness of what I was doing I was trying to steal the first fedora that I had come across. And considering this one is usually snugly on the head of the world’s greatest hitman who wasn’t all too keen on me when we first me I can safely say that my priorities are very, very fucked.

...

I sigh deeply and look into my still full cup of coffee.

I have a headache.

I think that might just be my default now.

The perpetual headache of doom.

It’s fine. Whatever. It gives me something a little more mundane to worry about rather than... Everything.

Mich- fuck - Mukuro isn’t going to be bugging me for a good long while. I’m not exactly keen on Vendice lore and shit, but a lot of things are different in this timeline than the one I read about in the Vault. The vindictive part of me hopes that he rots there for the rest of his life.

The rest of me hopes that he gets a chance to be a real person one day...

Just as long as I never have to see him again.

I look at the clock on the wall and then back to my still full cup of coffee.

It’s after midnight now.

I’m going to drink it.

I get up from the table and stick the mug in the microwave to nuke it back to warmth and then I sit back down resting my feet on Keiman’s back again. He snorts.

I’m going to drink this cup of coffee.

I am.

It’s my favourite beverage.

It will help chase my headache away.

I’m not going to have a fucking panic attack over coffee. That’s stupid.

I glance over to the end of the table and for a second a ghostly impression overlays and-

_Renato has his ridiculous brick of a laptop set up and he’s squinting at it petulantly. I set down his favourite mug next to him and he takes a sip and -_

...

Fuck.

I’m so fucked.

* * *

* * *

At three in the morning Tsuna walks into the kitchen as I’m in the middle of round three of a staring contest with my irradiated coffee.

Because I have committed to this repetitive stupidity.

“What are you doing?” Tsuna asks as he squints at me through the dim lighting of the kitchen.

“Having an existential crisis,” I reply honestly.

“... It’s too late to have an existential crisis,” He yawns, rubbing at his eyes and walking further into the kitchen.

I laugh, a terrible and harsh bark of laughter.

“It’s never to late to have an existential crisis, Bro-Bro.”

“So,” Tsuna begins, somewhat awkwardly as he moves to pull out his seat to join me for my midnight mental breakdown.

Keiman snaps teasingly at his foot and Tsuna lets out a high pitched, “HIEEE!” And jumps up onto the chair and tucks his feet underneath him protectively.

“Why alligator!” He shrieks, “Why is there still an alligator!?”

“I wasn’t exactly going to kick him out after he was nice enough to give me a ride home. Besides, he’s Verde’s buddy and he’s being strangely helpful today and I don’t really want to do anything to disrupt this rather pleasant change in the status quo.”

“But- but- but- ALLIGATOR!” He complains again looking fearfully under the table, “Why does a baby have and alligator for a pet in the first place? Isn’t that dangerous?”

“Only and alligator on the outside~” I sing-song.

I say it jokingly, but look on Tsuna’s face make it look like he’s having some sort of life changing epiphany. Which, considering our track record, would be par for the course. Three am epiphanies in the kitchen.

“On the outside.”

“Yeah? that’s what I said.”

“The insides are different from the outsides,” the creeping horror and realization thankfully projects as something more comical than serious. So I’m not immediately hitting the panic button.

“... he’s going to fucking kill me isn’t he?”

I stare at Tsuna in exhausted incomprehension.

“I know I’m usually a little more spot on with the twin telepathy thing, but you sort of lost me on this one, Bro-Bro. If you want me to follow along you’ll need to provide a road map or something.”

He stares into the middle distance.

“... no... no, it’s fine.”

“Right, just let me know if it’s something that is actually going to get you killed?”

He nods absently. And then he catches sight of the full mug of coffee in my hands.

“You’re not drinking your coffee?”

I look down into the now lukewarm mess of espresso and radiation and am struck once more by the waterfall of conflicting emotions.

And then I fucking chug the entire cup.

Fuck it.

Having Tsuna here with me is epic tier moral support and I can do anything.

Even overcome a nonsense trauma based aversion from another timeline.

“Bleh~”

“What?”

“That was so much colder than I thought it would be, oh god.”

I gag and Tsuna smacks me on my shoulder. Which hurts waaaaay worse than it should and I’m just going to be repressing that now thanks.

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah. Yes. I’m fine. I just zoned out for.... three and a half hours.” I put the smiling cat mug back on the table, “Why are you up? I though you and Hayato conked out with the kiddos.”

“I was talking with Kyoko-chan,” He says, “Talking stuff out with her makes me feel better and neither of us were sleeping very well.”

He looks around the kitchen again with a frown, “Where’s Reborn?”

I quirk an eyebrow at him. Usually he would be thrilled that his adversarial Spartan tutor is out of the building.

“He’s busy working on clean up for Vongola. He said he’ll be back tomorrow, or I guess later today now. Did you need him for something?”

Tsuna just gives me a look.

“No, But he’s usually around after you-“

“After I what?” I snap.

And regret it instantly.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to-“

Tsuna gnaws on his bottom lip and wrings his hands anxiously as we sit in a heavy silence.

“I told you before, right?” He finally says, “It’s okay if your not okay. We’re all here together and I’m always here for you, just like you’re always here for me.”

I eye him before I finally let my shoulders slump and I slide down in my chair. Keiman adjusts himself ever so slightly to accommodate and Leon gives a little squeeze around my shoulders.

I’m suddenly very aware of why they’re hanging so close to me.

“I’m not doing terrible, Tsu. It’s just -“

It’s just I remember what I lost now.

I remember what was ripped away from me.

I remember and because I remember it all feels so much more vivid and painful and I can’t explain any of it. Or, I could explain it, but I don’t think anyone would believe me. And that’s what terrifies me most of all.

It happened. It all happened, but my subjective experience does not make it an objective fact.

I don’t think I could take saying it and having Tsuna or Reborn call me a liar. I think that might actually kill me. It was my life, and the people that I loved, and the nightmare that I lived through.

It was the girl who was basically my daughter who I had selfishly left behind.

And yes that is going to eat away at me until I die again.

“I know something happened back there. I FELT it.”

Tsuna presses a hand to his chest and gives me a beseeching look.

“It’s nothing that I can’t handle. That creep just got in my head a little I might have failed a few wisdom saves too. But lucky for us he’s not our problem anymore and we can move onto bigger and brighter things like our birthday~”

I trill and grin at him.

“Which, um, Inari?”

“Yes, my dearest Bro-Bro?”

“Did you have anything planned for our birthday? I mean I know you usually like to surprise me with stuff, but we’ve been really busy lately.”

I blink.

“No, actually, much like the knowledge of our actual fucking age it slipped my mind. Why did you have something special in mind? Did you want to take Kyoko out on an actual date? I’m sure I can help hook you up if you want.”

“No, I, um, I was wondering if you wanted to play that fantasy dragons game with all of us?”

I stare.

He stares back and starts to lean back in his chair awkwardly.

“Um, I mean, uh.”

“ARE YOU SERIOUS!?” I shriek in barely repressed glee and basically launch myself across the table to grasp his hands.

“No take backs, Bro-Bro. I absolutely want to indulge in some high fantasy escapism with all of my favourite people. I’ll get some blank character sheets for you guys tomorrow, er, today. I’m sure I have some one shot campaigns that I can run us through. I promise it will be fun, or at the very least it will be ridiculous. And, and, and.”

I stutter off in excitement.

The anxiety melts off of Tsuna’s face and he gives me this warm and super indulgent big brother smile. Which is weird because I’m older than him, really, I was like thirty -seven when I... left which means that I’m... Fifty-two!!!! Holy fuck am I in my fifties?! Is that a thing?!

Not important right now.

“I’m glad,” Tsuna says, “I wasn’t sure if you’d want to.”

“Of course I want to, Tsu. You know me. I’m never going to pass up a chance to combat the traumas of reality with whimsical fantasy escapism that occasionally double as therapy because, damn.”

“So, um, what do we DO exactly?”

I cackle like a fucking goblin. Bro-Bro really has no idea. Just watching him do character creation is going to be a blast.

“I’ll bust out my handbooks tomorrow and we can call Haru over with hers. It’ll be fun just hanging out together I promise. I’m sure she and Hayato already have their own shit because they are my fellow nerds. Which just leaves you, Takeshi, and Kyoko. And Hana but I already know what Hana’s going to go for.”

“... What about Reborn?”

I shut up and stare at him wide eyed again.

Offering to play a tabletop game with me for our birthday is already a lot. The fact that he would willingly play with Reborn is something else.

“Really?” I squeak.

“It’s your birthday too, and he’s your ‘friend’,” He says, “I mean, you’re not saying that Kyoko-chan can’t play with us.”

“I don’t really get where your going with that. Kyoko’s awesome and she makes you happy why wouldn’t I want her to play with us? Anyway I’ll ask Reborn. But chances are he’ll have more important shit to do than play a silly game with us.”

“If it’s you asking I’m sure he’ll say yes,” Tsuna says and carefully jumps off the chair and walks back out of the kitchen, “I’m going back to sleep now.”

“Night, night, Bro-Bro~”

I spend the rest of the night in the living room watching Star Trek re-runs and working on creating NPC’s and a campaign setting.

Which is a much less stressful way to unwind after a traumatic revelation.

I even eventually manage to fall asleep face down on the floor. 

And wake up on the couch.

Somehow.

* * *

* * *

I don’t wake up until well into the after noon. And even then it’s not really me being awake it’s more of a pseudo wakefulness as Lambo and Futa clamber on top of me to watch ‘The Adventures of Sir Moonclaw.’

Tsuna and Hayato try to get them off me, but the three of us just stare them down quietly until they back out of the room and return with an offering of pillows and blankets. Which is much better considering I was fucking freezing last night.

And then I direct Hayato to run Tsuna through character creation and after a moment of staring at me blankly before he shows his full nerd colours and gets so fucking excited as he takes my handbook, some blank sheets and the dice that I had stashed in a tin underneath the couch.

And it’s nice.

Takeshi and Yamamoto-san drop by a little later and he joins in while Mom and his Dad chat in the kitchen.

Reborn still isn’t back yet.

According to a very to the point message from Shamal, Reborn would be speaking with Vongola and some of ‘our’ allies until later this evening. Apparently they had some trouble locating Nono and their telephone conference wouldn’t be starting until three.

They would wouldn’t they.

Daniella had walled up all the passages except the one that he uses.

...

“Hey, I’m going out for a bit, kay,” I announce to the group at large.

“Where?” Takeshi asks with a deceptively cheerful smile on his face.

“Coffee run for Reborn,” I sort of lie.

It wont be a lie because I totally intend to go get some coffee for Reborn. It’s just that I sort of kind of have some other shit to do on the way. Important shit.

I had made a deal after all and Squalo isn’t going to get a much better chance than this.

“Do you want us to come with?” Tsuna asks tentatively.

“No?”

“Are you sure?” Takeshi adds.

I look between them, because what? I don’t think they’ve ever insisted like this before. I have been going into town on my own for years.

I am also a fucking adult.

“Yes. Why?”

“They think something terrible is going to happen if you go running off on your own again,” Hayato snarks, shooting me a look out of the corner of his eye as he pretends to keep working on his character sheet.

“Oh... I’m just going to the cafe and then to the hotel. I’ll be fine,” I try to be as reassuring as possible.

“You haven’t even gotten out of bed yet today, Inari,” Takeshi says, reaching under the blankets to poke at my feet with his cold fingers.

I whine and curl up into a ball under the blankets and then I manage to gather the energy to slither out making Lambo and Futa giggle as their comfy seat becomes to life sending them bouncing all over the couch.

“Where are you going, Fratello.”

“I’m going to go surprise Reborn,” I tell him and give my brother and friends the most imperious look that I can muster. I am going to do this. I am going to go outside and enjoy a world where I don’t have to worry about a mad and obsessive illusionist dogging my steps.

“Oh... Do you want to borrow Lambo-sama’s grenades?”

“... Not that kind of surprise, buddy.”

“He means a present, Lambo,” Futa informs him.

Lambo proceeds to give me the most wibbly and insulted look that I have ever seen on his little face.

“LAMBO -SAMA WANTS A PRESENT FROM FRATELLO TOO!”

I laugh as he bounces off the couch and onto me and starts climbing and demanding presents much to Tsuna’s mortification and Hayato’s disgust. Takeshi just laughs along with me.

“I’ll pick you up some grape juice and a sweet on my way home, kay?” I tell him.

The kid deserves a present after having to deal with the stress and terror from yesterday. From what I heard poor Lambo got manhandled by the zombi formally known as Lancia. And, yeah, I am not even the least bit happy about that.

At all.

“I’ll make sure to bring you kiddos back some nice treats okay? You were both very brave yesterday and you deserve something.”

Lambo cheers and Futa flushes and starts nervously twittering his thumbs.

Yeah.

They need some presents too.

“So I will see you guys later. Please try not to break the universe or fall into they Feywild while I’m gone~ I’m looking forward to seeing what you all come up with.”

“... Are you going to take the alligator with you?” Tsuna asks casting a somewhat nervous glance over to where Keiman is curled up by the TV snoozing.

“Nah, he needs his sleep, he was a lightning storm last night after all.”

And with that I leave.

Before I get stuck answering all the questions that statement brought up.

* * *

* * *

The first stop I make is at ‘Moonflower Threads.’ Where I pick up my most beautiful lovely gift for Reborn, lacquer box and all, and hide it away in my bag... Right underneath number six for Hana.

I still can’t believe I fought a climactic battle with THAT in my bag and nothing stupid or ridiculous happened because of it.

Haru is there which is weird.

As is the fact that she immediately and obviously hides something behind her back the moment she realizes that it’s me.

“Rejoice adventurer,” I begin telling her, “For in four days time we will be going on a quest into the realm of fantasy and adventure~”

She looks at me wide eyed.

“Ha-hi?”

“We’re playing D&D for our birthday~ Your totally invited~” I trill and watch as a megawatt smile forms on her face.

“REALLY!!!?”

“Yup, If you want to join in on the fun Tsuna and the guys are doing some character creation back at the house. They could probably use your expertise-“

She is flying out the door before I can finish my sentence.

I see her most recent encounter with unimaginable horror and the Cave Troll haven’t left her any worse for wear. She is still full of crazy levels of energy.

Susumu-jichan cackles.

“I didn’t realize that you and little Haru were friends, boyo.”

“It’s a recent development,” I inform him with a wry grin. “She... excitable.”

“She’s exactly like Kimiko was. It’s strange that for all of the time you spent around the old group you two never ran into each other. I assume that was Inari’s doing though. He was always very protective of you back then.”

That’s a word for it.

Protective.

He hadn’t even been keen on letting me go back to school while I was still in the wheelchair. Lucky, I had Mom on my side and she had overruled him.

Of course then we got to meet that lovely teacher that laughed at Tsuna’s dream for the future, tried to pull ‘quiet hands’ crap with me and was generally a demeaning piece of shit.

I think Gramps had enjoyed destroying him.

And now I’m wondering if he LITERALLY destroyed him.

Because... Gramps is Gramps.

There is no fucking doubt in my mind about that.

Fuck... one fucking thing at a time idiot.

“Hey, Susumu-jichan,” I ask.

“Yes?”

“Do you have any pictures or videos from back then? I know you and Tora-jichan used to make home movies.”

He gives me a long considering look and clicks his tongue.

“I do,” He admits finally.

“Any of me?”

“Yes. Much to Old Inari’s displeasure. He didn’t want to leave proof of-“

“Of what? Of me?” I demand.

Much more harshly than I mean to.

“He thought it would upset you. I can see he wasn’t wrong,” He smiles under his big bushy moustache. “I assume you want to have a look.”

I nod.

I promised Reborn a talk.

I promised him a secret.

I’m not going to set myself up to be called a liar... not that I ever think he would but I can’t stop the nagging fear in the back of my mind. Because Reborn has worked for and trusted Timoteo for the better part of a decade.

He’s known me for less than a year.

And despite how close I feel to him...

I want to have proof, incase it comes down to my word against Vongola Nono.

Susumu-jichan wheels into the back room and he is gone for awhile. I listen to boxes moving. Of him swearing every so often. Of what sounds like a cascade of fabrics.

And then he re-emerges.

With two VHS tapes and a small 3 x 5 tin.

“It takes bravery to face your fears and the things that hurt you, boyo,” He tells me as he hands them over, “But just remember that you don’t have to face things alone. My door is always open, so is Kimiko’s , and I’m sure if you ever wanted to hike up Expressway 7 Minatozaki would be happy to see you again.”

“... The Heaven’s Gate guy? Have you talked to him lately? Last time I called over there he was freaking out about someone coming to harvest his organs.”

“I’ll give him a call later.”

The tapes and tin are added into my bag and I continue on my way.

* * *

* * *

I keep a close eye on the clock as I make my way into town. At about quarter after two I make it to the Mermaid Cafe, place my order with the sweet barista and take one of the tables in the back and then I check in with Shamal to check and see if Reborn’s phone call with Nono and Coyote and the others has started.

“Not yet,” He answers, “You sound a little off kid did you want me to grab Reborn?”

“No it’s fine,” I tell him as nonchalantly as possible.

I pull out my notebook and pen and flip to the page where I have crudely drawn out the route to the target.

“I assume you guys are all camped out at the hotel, right?”

“Yeah, the ritzy fucker went and rented out the rest of the floor so we had a place to stash all the fucking mobsters that came out of that thing. They’re all confused as fuck, but considering the role that you and little Vongola played freeing them they’re feeling pretty loyal right now.”

I hear him mumble something about them meeting the business end of Reborn’s gun too which makes me smile more than it should. I assumed he would be in a terrible mood after having to deal with all of Vongola’s bullshit on top of all of Mukuro’s bullshit.

I brush an affectionate finger around the brim of the fedora.

Oh, he’ll be a terror by now, Leon says, He’s been telling them for months that something was wrong and now they expect him to clean up the mess. He’s going to chew their ears off.

“Good.”

“Yeah, I guess,” Shamal replies, “Why are you asking?”

His tone goes suspicious and I can’t help but roll my eyes.

It’s just lovely how my motives and actions are suddenly under so much scrutiny. I didn’t even DO anything.

“Nothing nefarious I promise,” I cheerfully lie through my teeth, “I assume that Reborn’s been up all night and is in the process of turning somewhat tyrannical.”

“It’s cute that you say somewhat.”

My grin widens.

“Thought so~ I’m just stopping off at the cafe. I’ll pick him up something highly caffeinated. That should make him feel a little more himself.”

Shamal goes quiet and I can faintly hear Reborn in the back ground and Gabriella’s much more boisterous voice.

“You out on your own?” He asks not at all subtlety.

And that might be about as much as I can take for people questioning my agency today. My god, I have no idea how Reborn can put up with people questioning his ability to function as an independent and competent human being as much as he does.

Just because I got a little fucked up doesn’t mean that I can’t do shit on my own anymore.

I can still function.

... I can still trust myself.

Right?

“Yes, amazingly I am capable of walking into town by myself,” I snap irritably.

“Don’t bite my head off kid I just meant after what happened yesterday-“

“NOTHING happened yesterday,” I quickly rebut.

“Fine, then after what was mentioned yesterday and what happened with that fucking prick.”

Words cannot express how much I don’t want to have this conversation right now. I particularly don’t want to have this conversation on the phone while I’m in public. That is just a recipe for disaster.

I spend a quick moment zoning out to the ambient Bossa Nova Jazz beats that remind me of Tsuna’s warm and comforting melody before tuning back in to Shamal.

“Not talking about this now,” I announce definitively, “And if you want to try and talk about it again you better come with a bottle of fucking Absinthe so I can drift off into a comfortable fucking oblivion afterwards.”

I glare at the empty seat in front of me until Leon nuzzles my cheek and my anger starts to evaporate.

Fuck.

I really can’t keep doing this.

It’s been less than a day and I’m already snapping all over the place.

I need to fucking bury this, before it eats me alive and I end up alienating all of these wonderful people who, for reasons beyond my mortal comprehension, love me.

“Listen,” Shamal interrupts my train of thought, “I might not know the whole story, but I know something god awful happened to you. And as much as you might want to plunge yourself into oblivion rather than think about it, it’s not the best coping mechanism. Trust me, it’ll just lead to a whole bunch worse shit.”

Yup, been there, done that collected the fucking traumatic experience.

“You’re the expert.”

“... There is not expert in this. There is just people trying to make the best of a shit hand they got dealt. I’ll tell you what. I’ll pour some fruit punch into a wine glass for you and we’ll watch the Little Mermaid.”

“I’m not a child.”

“Good, nether am I.”

Oh...

I sink down in the plush blue booth and feel terrible.

It happened. It didn’t happen. It happened yesterday. It happened fifteen years ago. There’s so much thats in my head right now. I just need some time to put it all in it’s place.

I need these last loose ends to get neatly tied up so that Vongola can fuck off for a little while and I can go on vacation.

“You’re not nearly as terrible as I thought you were,” I mumble.

“You are a thousand times worse than anything I could have imagined. I told you yesterday you are the most aggressive disaster Sky that I have met in my entire life.”

“I aim to please... Text me when Reborn’s meeting starts?”

“You’re lucky he has Gabby and those idiots distracting him right now or he would have caught on already.”

“Thank you~”

I sit calmly in the cafe.

I drink my cinnamon latte.

Eat my lovely little scone.

Take a moment to give Leon a peek at my silly little gift for Reborn.

**It’s not silly, Darling,** Leon assures me, **He will absolutely love it.**

Thank the waitress as she picks up the dishes and brings me the to-go order for Reborn.

‘The meetings started,” Shamal texts me, ‘I can hear Nono and Coyote from here. And Reborn’s is about as happy as a wasp nest.’

And then I flip my phone back open and call the idiot shark.

“VOIIII! HOW DID YOU GET THIS NUMBER YOU-“

“I swear to fuck if you ever want to see your beloved ‘Boss’ ever again you will cease that infernal screeching immediately you bloody foghorn.”

Squalo immediately shuts up.

Which is gratifying, but unfortunately not long lasting.

“You,” He sneers.

“No, it’s the other precognitive asshole that you know,” I roll my eyes, “Where are you right now? Anywhere near Vongola HQ?”

“Of course, the Varia base is on the compound.”

Convenient.

And also somewhat tragic considering where Xanxus has been kept all these years.

“Listen very closely to the directions I’m about to give you and then get a small team, aim for speed and stealth. You currently have a very slim window of opportunity and if you don’t manage to fuck up in any major way you’ll be able to get to Xanxus.”

The line goes silent.

But I know that he’s listening to me.

“Where’s ‘Decimo’ and the contractor?” He asks his voice strangely light.

“Not currently present and would probably object to this little excursion they both like definitive planning and I’m a more improv kind of guy.”

He laughs.

Loud and malicious.

“You really are a fucking prick aren’t you?” He cackles, “Where’s the ‘target?’”

I bear my teeth.

“First; head through the main atrium through the doors to the west wing, and for fucks sake make sure none of you assholes trip the first fucking house alarm.”

“Who the hell do you think your dealing with!?”

“A bunch of dumb fucking assholes that couldn’t figure out that their Boss was being held prisoner right beneath their feet. Now shut up and listen.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is somewhere Reborn wants to be right now and it is 100% not dealing with mafia housekeeping. 
> 
> There is also no world in which Inari’s response to stress isn’t kicking off absolute insanity in all quarters. 
> 
> As always I love hearing from you all! So let me know Questions? Comments? Theories? 
> 
> See you next week ❤️


	33. Once Upon a Time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Despite what you’ve been told I wasn’t born like this.

“-I could have understood it if they had been baseless accusations. If I had given you nothing. But there was EVIDENCE, there was reasonable cause for concern-“

Reborn’s voice echos through the dining hall. Projected through the phone set up at the centre dining table that the serving staff had carted into the room for the purpose of this meeting.

At his right sits Coyote, and the rest of his dear friends and Guardians.

At his left is Iemitsu, who has Oregano and Turmeric flanking him.

Behind him are the Cervello representatives that had already been waiting in the room when the servants has arrived to make preparations. No one could recall how they had come to be there. Or how they had gotten into the manor.

Iemitsu leans back in his seat. Hands clasped comfortably behind his head looking to all like he didn’t have a care in the world. Timoteo envies him somewhat for that. It almost seems as if he’s enjoying this humiliation... but then he has always been a wretched brat.

“A̴n̵d̴ ̵w̵h̶y̴ ̶s̸h̸o̸u̴l̴d̶n̷’̷t̸ ̶h̶e̸?̵” 

Just like his son.

His chest tightens painfully as his blood pressure skyrockets ,but he clamps down on the reaction.

“I̵t̷’̷s̸ ̸n̶o̵t̶ ̴l̷i̷k̵e̴ ̵y̵o̶u̶’̷v̵e̸ ̴m̴a̶d̴e̸ ̵t̶h̴i̶n̷g̵s̴ ̵e̵a̴s̸y̸ ̸f̸o̵r̸ ̷D̷a̶d̶d̷y̶.̴ ̷”

Coyote has taken point on discussion.

“I̴’̶m̷ ̸s̷u̷r̶e̴ ̸i̴f̷ ̴h̴e̸ ̸k̵n̸e̶w̵ ̷t̷h̷e̸ ̸w̴h̷o̷l̶e̷ ̴s̸t̷o̷r̶y̸ ̷h̵e̷’̶d̷ ̸b̵e̵ ̸r̶o̴a̸s̷t̶i̵n̵g̶ ̵y̷o̶u̸ ̶r̵i̸g̸h̴t̸ ̸a̸l̴o̴n̸g̴ ̷w̸i̵t̷h̴ ̶R̷e̸b̶o̵r̷n̵~̵”

Which is for the best.

“̸Y̵o̸u̴ ̴k̴n̷o̷w̸ ̵w̵h̴a̷t̷ ̶t̵h̸e̵y̶ ̶s̸a̷y̸-̷“̶

He can’t hear past the roaring static in his ears.

Reborn snaps something in a particularly harsh tone that has... HIM giggling.

Timoteo finally looks up from his folded hands set down against the dark mahogany table. Up past the the phone and the speaker system.

The small boy grins at him menacingly.

Wild blond hair.

Eyes like infinite empty voids.

“̸K̵a̶r̸m̵a̸s̷ ̸a̷ ̷B̷I̸T̵C̸H̴”̴

Timoteo’s eyes narrow and he steels himself. His back straightens, his shoulders pull back, and his fist slams down like a gavel on the table wreathed in cold fire that leaves a scar in the wood.

Silence.

He know’s what he’s done.

He did what he had to do for Vongola. So many roads end in fire and chaos. He can’t trust anyone else with this power.

It’s HIS.

“Watch your tone with me, boy,” He thunders, “If you want this meeting to go forward you will remember who it is you’re speaking to.”

He is Vongola Nono.

He has led this Family for over fifty years.

For over fifty years he has sat atop the underworlds most coveted throne and has struck down all who dared to challenge that.

“Of course, Nono,” Reborn speaks snidely, but it’s an improvement from the lecturing that was egging on the BOY.

“Good, now let us discuss Cassandra’s part in this.”

He meets the BOY’S eyes squarely.

And the little wraith just keeps grinning.

* * *

* * *

“What do you mean ‘beneath our feet!?’” Squalo asks his voice sharp and dangerous.

“It means exactly what it sounds like,” I inform him as I quickly flip through my campaign notebook to the page where I have crudely sketched out a rough layout and path to the buried ‘treasure’ in glittery pink pen.

It’s innocuous enough when compared to the other dungeon layouts in the book... it’s only that this one is an actual real dungeon. Complete with a objective and an arcane trap.

Yes, I am rapidly transitioning into fantasy escapism. This is why I need to get this done so I can turn my brain off for awhile and recalibrate everything.

I don’t even know how fucking old I am right now. I don’t think age stacks the way that I’m pretending it does. And even though it wasn’t ‘this’ body that went through that life it was my mind.

Now really isn’t the time for this lovely bit of introspection.

I need at least a week to process everything... I haven’t even had a full twenty four hours.

“I’m sorry if you all assumed that you would be embarking on some sort of James Bond-esque mission to a tropical island with guns and speed boats. But no your staying tragically local.”

Squalo snarls and I hear the sound of something smashing against a wall.

“Dramatic but ultimately unhelpful response,” I comment idly to Leon who is very obviously eves-dropping on this call. What with the way that he has coiled himself around my wrist to press up against the cell phone.

“I don’t mean to keep making you an unwilling accomplice in my chaos,” I whisper to him as Squalo continues to break shit.

**You assume that I’m unwilling?** Leon ... laughs (?) **Darling, you should know better by now.**

“Always awesome to have you along~”

**Though I would suggest not keeping this from your Sun** , he continues, **Considering he is also unknowingly participating in this act of treason.**

“Is it treason if they where the ones who instigated?”

I’m pretty sure Nono brought this on himself. What with the whole fucking with Tsuna and me and freezing his teenaged son in a block of ice for close to a decade.

“But I’ll loop him in.”

“VOIIIIIII!!!” Squalo suddenly screams and I just about launch the phone at the wall in an act of self defense.

“Fucking Christ! What did I say about screaming in my ear!?”

“IF HE WAS ON THE COMPOUND THE LITTLE SNOT FACED BASTARD WOULD HAVE FOUND HIM BY NOW!” He screams, completely disregarding my warning.

Not that I can really blame him.

I stare blankly at the sea shell mosaic on the wall for a beat.

I feel... bad... for Squalo.

For all of Varia really. Even if Viper and him are the only ones that I actually know.

As much as they have rubbed me the wrong way, and gotten on my nerves. I mean just hearing Squalo’s voice is grating and makes me want to punch him in the throat. I have sensitive hearing as it is I really don’t need him SCREAMING in my ears.

I can’t even imagine how terrible it would be.

To not know. To have spent a decade having lost someone who meant so much to you, not know how you lost them. And then to realize that they weren’t gone at all. They just needed saving.

Just imagining that it was Tsuna makes me want to die.

And I realize that I’m a shitty fucking person for using Xanxus’ location to manipulate the Varia into helping us. I don’t remember ever claiming that I was a good person though.

When you really get down to it were all pretty shitty.

Whatever, I’m making up for it now. I’m fixing it now. Post-traumatic events and fatigue be damned. I have a debt to pay and I’m going to pay it back in full. At this point Vongola owes the most and they deserve whatever ruin this brings down on them.

“I assume that Viper wasn’t able to locate him with his crazy Mist Mojo it works by tracking Flame signatures and Xanxus has been frozen in a glacier of Sky Flames. Zero Point Breakthrough is a legendary technique for a reason after all,” I try to explain as best that I can.

I’m not sure of the mechanics of that technique, but I know that’s what he used.

“He couldn’t have!” Viper interjects, his voice tight and worn... I guess that how righting of the imbalance thing actually got to him a bit, “Vongola Primo was the only one to ever successfully use that technique!”

“If you think that you are severely underestimating who it is we’re dealing with,” I tell them all. I think I’ve been patched through some sort of com-system, because I can pick out five distinct breathing patterns now.

**Six if you want to count the scrambled snake~** Leon adds, reading my mind, **He should be fine though the alignment probably took something out of him.**

Varia’s core.

“He’s just some crazy old man-“

“He’s really not,” I interrupt, Bel I think? “And if you’re all deluded enough to think that you might want to reconsider doing this.”

“Bel, hon, you remember that Nono stomped us all last time,” Lussuria (?) says.

“But he had a heart attack,” an even lower voice (Levi?) reasons.

“That’s news to me, but even so remember that even if he isn’t in peak condition himself you’d still have to contend with his Guardians, and CEDEF, and who the fuck else he has in that manor. We’re talking about the man who has sat comfortably on the Throne of the mafia for over fifty years.”

I have to think back on some of my mafia lore conversations with Reborn as I speak. And as much as I wish it was true, that Timoteo is just some senile old man past his prime... I KNOW that isn’t true.

I have a bad feeling about him, and it isn’t just because of the visit he had made to Namimori once upon a time.

“I’m well aware that your loyalty lies with Xanxus, but Vongola writes your pay checks, your club house is on their property, and if you fuck this up their going to come down on you hard. You prepared for that? And to that point you all better be prepared to get Xanxus to somewhere top secret until he has time to heal up because there isn’t any timeline in which he walks out of this right now.”

I snap my notebook shut and gather up my to go order and leave the cafe as they take this moment for some thankfully quiet introspection.

I hold the door open for the Tanaka’s as they come in and then I turn down the a quiet street toward the hotel.

“The hell do you know all of this anyway?” Squalo demands.

“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you,” and now really isn’t the time for my tragic backstory, you’ll need to upgrade your social links if you want to find that out, shark-boy~”

“WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU JUST CALL ME YOU SHITTY LITTY BRAT!?” Squalo roars and my ears feel like they are bleeding.

Thee is uproarious laughter on the other end of the line and a dramatic break in the tension that has been building. These murderous dumb fucks are just a bunch of hapless goofballs too aren’t they.

... I have to be careful or I might actually start liking them.

“You heard me, SHARK-BOY,” I needle, “so are you committed? If so our window of opportunity is only going to remain open for so long and we have a rather pissed off distraction working in our favour right now.”

“We’re doing this, brat,” Squalo snarls back, “what’s the first objective?”

“First objective is that you will be referring to me as ‘Control’ for the rest of this call.”

“LIKE HELL-“

“Do you have an issue with that, Commander?” I ask sweetly. And he shuts up immediately.

Squalo reminds me a lot of Sam when I think of it. Although much more foul mouthed and aggressive than Sam ever was.

“...Commander?”

“That is your title isn’t it?”

“That’s right! Squa-hon is our dashing commander!” Lussuria interjects loudly accompanied by a serious ‘yes’ from Levi, snickering laughter from a Bel and scoffing from Viper.

“That’s white I thought, now get a move on boys,” I direct as the hotel comes into view. “Five minutes to get into the manor once your in the hall leading to the west wing notify me with ‘mark’ and I’ll walk you through the next mission objective.”

* * *

* * *

I have one of those, ‘what the fuck are you doing!?’ moments after the line goes quiet. Because the truth is; I have no earthly idea what the hell I’m doing right now and the fact that I have somehow managed to get a team of professional assassins to play along with my insanity is just baffling.

I have to take a moment to brace myself against the colourful brick wall of ‘Kimura’s Candy Emporium’ and take a few deep breaths to keep from hyperventilating.

“What the hell are you doing, idiot?” I say... and it’s somewhat jarring to hear it out loud.

**Breathe Darling.**

“I know, I know,” I draw in a deep breath. In through the nose, out through the mouth, “It was easier when Fon was around to force me to meditate. Not that I actually enjoy meditation. Can you imagine a world where I can sit still for more thanfive minutes? Because I for sure can’t. It sounds like some kind of evil mirror world.”

Leon doesn’t say anything, but I feel a tendril rubbing my back comforting. He’s such a sweetheart.

I draw in one more deep breath before I pull myself together.

It’s fine.

Everything’s fine.

Strange as it is I know what I’m doing.

I do.

Once upon a time at least.

I mean, I do know how to do this. But it has arguably been years and in another world where I had access to technology that far outstrips the kind available here and an infinite repository of knowledge.

Sawada Inari has never played Mission Control.

No one would everbelieve that I had.

It’s my life and I barely believe it that it happened.

...

I’ve gotten them killed haven’t I?

Varia just burst into Vongola manor like gangbusters and demanded the return of their boss. And now they’ve all been killed and it’s all my fault! What the hell was I even thinking trying to do this behind Reborn’s back!? Wha-

“Mark,” Squalo announces suddenly, freeing me from my panic spiral.

I heave a sigh of relief.

“Stupid.”

“The fuck did you just say?”

“Relax you over sensitive ass,” I sass, “I was talking to myself no you. I’m not used to the things that I say actually coming out of my mouth.”

There is a telling silence on the other end of the line.

Most likely my ‘operatives’ realizing that they are trusting their fates and the fate of their boss in the hands of an actual lunatic.

“Fuck off all of you,” I snap before any of them can even think to question me. “You’re lucky I’m doing this shit at all. Now one of you find the recessed panel in the wall. It should be on the left hand side by the wall.”

“There isn’t anything being concealed in this hallway,” Viper denies.

“Not if your looking for something magical there isn’t. Lucky for you, you’re looking for a good old fashioned secret passage.”

“You expect me to believe that-“

“The Prince has found it, Control” the voice that I have now one hundred percent positively identified as Bel, declares smugly. I appreciate that he just instantly got Viper to shut up.

“Awesome. Good work your Highness,” I praise easily completely ignoring Viper’s disbelief, “Press it in and to the left a little bit. That should trigger the mechanism that-“

“How could you have possibly known that this was here?!”

I roll my eyes.

“Fucking magic, bitches now get moving. If you haven’t reached the catacomb before I reach the penthouse or I will have to start doubting your efficiency. You might even get a bad Yelp review.”

“What the hell is Yelp?”

“... A sudden and depressing reminder that I’m going to have to beg Verde to invent the internet next time I see him. Hope you’re not too bad off by the way~” I tease, like the asshole I am.

**I FELT HIS TEETH!** Fantasma screeches across the connection, **I FELT HIS TEEEETH!!!**

**Serves you right, you greedy little snake** , Leon snaps.

“SNOT FACE, CONTROL YOUR FUCKING FROG!”

“Get in the fucking hole all of you,” I order, “Xanxus is waiting for you at the bottom of that staircase.”

That certainly gets them to shut up. No sooner do the words leave my mouth then the line goes quiet, except for the muted sounds of footsteps against stone.

I didn’t tell them the worst part.

Not like it would help at this moment anyway.

H̸e̷’̷s̵ ̸a̶w̴a̸k̸e̶ ̵y̵o̵u̵ ̶k̶n̵o̸w̶.̶ ̴

H̶e̵’̷s̷ ̸i̵n̷ ̴p̵a̷i̷n̷ ̶y̴o̶u̶ ̸k̵n̷o̸w̸

I want to save him. Even if it isn’t technically me saving him. I want him to be saved.

Because I know something of the hell that he’s been living in. And no one, not even a man that had been my brother’s nemesis in another timeline. I can’t. Despite the fact that I’ve been giving the Varia a hard time I want them to succeed.

They are going to succeed.

I blow a theatrical kiss to Hibari Kou as I pass through the lobby. He smiles back, though it caries a noticeable degree of ‘holy shit what the fuck happened to you this time?’

Which is fair.

Considering that it was just yesterday that Shamal hauled my ass in here post-lightning strike.

I really need to take a mental health break after this.

I step into the opulent elevator just as Squalo starts talking again. His voice is tight and strained. I can understand why.

“... How are we supposed to get him out of... that?”

“You’ll have to do it with your Dying Will,” I tell him, the time for jokes is done now, “And chances are you’re going to have to do it fast. As far as I’m aware it can be melted with Flames of equal or greater power... Just be aware that he’s probably going to pass the fuck out once you break him out of that.”

“What do you mean he’s going to pass out, Control?” Levi demands.

“... Timoteo froze him when he was awake... S̵o̸ ̸t̶h̶a̸t̷’̵s̷ ̷h̴o̵w̷ ̵h̷e̸ ̶s̷t̸a̶y̶e̵d̸.̴”

I listen vacantly to the sounds of outrage on the other end of the line. And then they get to work.

“I’ll be monitoring our distraction. Text me if you get him out, if not I’ll contact you to let you know if trouble will be on the way... good luck operatives.”

And with that I hang up on the call and the elevator doors open with a SWISH.

* * *

* * *

I don’t even have to bother knocking on the penthouse door when I arrive. Leon decides to show of his mad lock-picking skills. And I am immediately met with some serious anxiety ukulele and the sight of Shamal pacing back and forth in the small dining area as a dog pile of three once though dead agents piled onto the couch as Hinata Shoichi delivers the afternoon news report.

No sign of Dino, Romario, or Paula so I guess it’s safe to assume that they’re still at the hospital

“-City Council advises that if you see any more of these maggots to squish them with a vengeance because they are made with pure malice-“

Good advice.

Though I thought that they would have all dissipated into the ether by now.

“Good lord, you look terrible, kid,” Shamal immediately says upon laying eyes on me. 

I glower at him.

“Thanks oh so much for that very flattering compliment,” I snark, intent on shooting back something equally insulting to him, but... “You look fine, what the hell? How is that fair?!”

Shamal postures smugly for a moment before the sharp tone of Reborn’s voice cuts through the sound proof walls and the anxiety ukulele kicks in again.

I love how Sunshine can command a room without even being present.

“Miki-chan stopped by~” He sings after the sound from the bedroom dies out again, “How could I possibly look bad with such a lovely person taking care of me?”

“The power of love is a strange and mysterious thing,” I agree and watch smugly as his face goes from projected confidence to a deep brick red. He’s obviously not used to the squishy and emotional aspects of relationships. Which is hilarious considering how brazenly he will yammer on about sexy times.

“Uh- bu- uh-“

“Relax, Doc,” I say pressing forward past him in a bedroom trajectory, “Available evidence tells me that Reborn’s in here, so if you don’t mind-“

“Considering the mood he’s in you might want to hold off on that. He gave pretty explicit instructions that he wasn’t to be disturbed. He even scared off the Cavallone-kid and those guys when he started asking too many questions.”

I grin and cock and eyebrow toward the closed door.

“Meh, I like to live dangerously~”

* * *

* * *

As soon as I push open the bedroom door Reborn is whipping around to face me. His eyes are lit up with a righteous fury and he looks about seconds away from shooting someone.

I’m pretty sure if I had been anyone else he actually would have straight up told them to fuck off... I would actually pay to see that. I wouldn’t even mind if it was me. Reborn so rarely slips up and swears and he’s much too prim and proper to insert expletives into his everyday conversation the way that I do.

I always get a little thrill when he slips up and says ‘fuck’ or something.

I offer him a cheeky little grin as I hold up the coffee cup as a peace offering and shut the door gently behind me.

Reborn just keeps staring at me frozen in place as a gravely voice reads off a list of names.

I love catching him off guard with mundane little things.

My smile turns a little dopey and moonstruck as he glances between me an the extra-large spice latte in my hands.

The look on his face is a very clear, ‘please for the love of god give me the caffeine before I have to figure out how to shoot these idiots through the phone.’

I saunter over and gently set down the colourful to-go cup down in front of him with a sassy tip of my (HIS) hat. I proceed to take it off and hand it over to him. Reborn fixes it back upon his head one handed and smirks at me.

He’s looking more like himself already.

Reborn proceeds takes a sip of his newly acquired caffeinated beverage and continues to eye me with a look of gratitude and vague concern.

Yes, I have seen my reflection today. I do in fact know that I look like a hot mess, sans the hot part. Just a mess.

Whatever, when do I not look like a fucking mess. He must be used to it by now.

Like I’m used to all of his little micro-expressions now. Just think, a few months ago I had jokingly said that it would take me ten years to learn to read him. But then I hadn’t known at that point how important this would be to me. How important Reborn would be to me.

...

Oh.

OH!

I the realization hits me like a train and I let myself slide down the wall to sit cross legged on the floor. I just keep staring at him and the grin on my face just grows as he proceeds to gulp down the coffee and roll his eyes at the mafia bureaucracy.

Okay.

Alright.

I can work with this.

The conversation transitions from the list to Dino and Reborn refocuses instantaneously.

“-you realize that you will be paying reparations to Dino and Cavallone correct?” Reborn snaps interrupting the growing tirade against Doll-Face. “Vongola’s response to rumour and conjecture was unduly hostile and cost the lives of your allies and the health of Don Cavallone himself.”

“Don Cavallone incriminated himself on various levels. The decision was not only based on his tragic decision to brazenly stroll into enemy territory in broad daylight. And I will remind you again Reborn who it is that you work for and it is not Dino Cavallone.”

My eyes flicker to the phone on the desk and I force myself not to react to the terrifyingly familiar voice of Nono.

... Somehow I didn’t think I would remember his voice so clearly.

I force myself to meet Reborn’s eyes as the old men on the other end of the call try to justify their actions against Dino and the Cavallone. It sounds like straight up bullshit to me.

He grits his teeth and the fedora casts a dramatic shadow over his face. I can see now why he was in such a bad mood when I first walked in here. He’s stuck on a conference call with a bag of dicks.

They go on for a bit. Back and forth with Nono and his subbordinates not even giving an inch. I don’t know why anyone would expect they would. Somehow I doubt mafia lords often admit that they are in the wrong.

As Reborn launches back in I take a moment to check my messages. It’s been about twenty minutes now. If they haven’t made progress yet they’ll probably have to call it quits and try again another day.

‘We almost have him, Control,’ Is the only message that I have from Squalo.

‘ETA?’

I have to wait a moment for him to text back.

‘5 minutes tops.’

I’m about to send another message when a new, an achingly familiar voice interjects.

“I’ll admit that the Cavallone thing was probably my fault... sort of,” Dad says, and I know his voice. Even if it’s been a decade since I’ve heard it I know his voice. “But it all worked out in the end didn’t it?”

“He lost an eye and a kidney,” Reborn growls.

“Builds character,” Dad brushes off, “Besides our lovely looming gargoyles don’t seem to have anything to say on his behalf so I’m going to assume that we were in the right.”

“Would you like to try it?” I can’t help but interject sarcastically. Because I can feel that this call is starting to wind down. They don’t want to have their shit thrown back in their face anymore.

Too fucking bad.

‘Get him out fast. I can buy you ten minutes tops. If I don’t hear from you I’ll assume that you’re clear,’ I text Squalo quickly before shoving my phone back into my pocket.

“Reborn you said you were in a secure location,” Nono accuses.

“He is,” I say snidely, “He’s just in a secure location with me~”

“Who-“ Dad starts, but that’s just about as far as I’m willing to let him go.

“Who the fuck do you think, you fucking deadbeat,” I snap, “I should tell mom the shit that you’ve been up to I’m sure she would happily shank you at this point and then you and Doll-Face can bond over missing organs.”

“...Tsuna?”

Reborn smacks himself in the face. Which is just about the right response when dealing with my stupid Gorilla of a father.

“Strike two!” I announce cheerfully, “maybe you’d have an easier time time telling us apart if you called home every once in awhile. You forgot mom’s birthday again this year by the way.”

“...Inari.”

“Ding! Ding! Ding! Good job! Your not entirely brain dead. Way to sound super fucking disdainful though. What? You don’t have any affectionate words for your SON?”

“The brain dead aspect is somewhat debatable,” Reborn mutters, and that at least makes me smile for real. Though it probably has a bitter edge to it. 

Me, bitter? No way.

“Kid... What ...” Dad makes an aggravated sound and swears, “Is Tsuna there too?”

See? Isn’t he just brimming with fatherly affection?

“No, he’s not. And going by the content of this conversation you’re lucky that is isn’t. He probably wouldn’t be to jazzed that you’re still trying to throw his ‘Niisan’ under the bus.”

“This isn’t a discussion for children, young man,” Nono says dismissively, “Reborn, kindly show the boy out of the room.”

I share a look with Reborn, a smirk crawling across his face he makes a ‘be my guest motion’ toward the phone.

“Show your own damn self out of the room, dickhead,” I snarl.

I get such an enormous rush of satisfaction as all the old fucks on the other line start squawking at me to watch my tongue when speaking to ‘venerable’ Vongola Nono. I roll my eyes at Reborn and make the ‘yak-yak-yak’ motion with my hand when they don’t shut up.

“Oh shut the fuck up and collectively fucking blow me you pricks,” I continue to provoke, “I didn’t realize that the fucking MAFIA was run by such delicate little flowers. It’s no wonder that you needed to have children fight your battles for you.”

Dad starts HOWLING with laughter. I’m actually momentarily taken aback. But at least he wont be trying to interject or talk over me if he can’t breathe.

Maybe he’ll do me a favour and he’ll laugh himself straight into unconsciousness.

“Inari, while I appreciate your aggravation and your concern for Tsunayoshi this really isn’t the place for you,” Nono speaks in a condescending grandfatherly tone of voice that has me seething. “Especially not for someone with your... condition.”

I stop.

I just stop.

“Considering that Inari has been acting as Tsunayoshi’s Guardian and right hand man for months now I think this meeting is exactly the place for him,” Reborn states firmly as I gather myself back up, “Even more so since he was the one who first realized the connection to the Estraeno.”

“And, you know, I wrote that declaration that kept your precious alliance from self-destructing. But that was more for Tsuna’s sake.”

“You-“

“ **And if you want to talk about my ‘condition’ as you so delicately put it, you better be ready to talk recompense. Though considering the bullshit that you’ve been spewing to Reborn tells me your not quite ready for that yet. So you know what I’m just going to preemptively call this meeting adjourned were all tired as fuck. And I’m sure big scary criminals like yourselves will have no trouble dealing with the rest of this shit on your own**.”

And then I pull the phone cable out of the wall and the line goes dead.

“Sorry,” I mutter to Reborn, “That was probably unprofessional of me. And probably made you look bad by association. In my defense they are a bunch of raging fucking assholes. I didn’t realize they would be ... I didn’t realize that Dad was going to be on that call either. Sorry for exposing you to that bit of awkward familial drama.”

I close my eyes tight and half curl into a ball. The disconnected phone cable is still clenched tight in my fist, and I’m vaguely aware that I’m shaking. 

I hate him.

I HATE him.

That useless fucking old geezer who somehow thinks that he has the right to...

Just hearing his voice was enough to dredge up all sorts of terrible memories. And he hardly even said anything at all.

“Sorry,” I repeat again, “I just really can’t...”

A jolt of electric agony rushes from my brain down my spine and my anger dies out abruptly. It takes too much energy to repress that flinch. I am well aware of how stupid it was to transition directly from a fight with Michael to a confrontation with Timoteo and Dad. I know it.

Hell I knew it when I started.

I hope that bought Squalo and then enough time to get Xanxus out, because that was just about all I had. I hope that Timoteo has a fucking aneurism when he realizes that Xanxus is gone.

He never told anyone else he was there.

It’ll probably drive him nuts with paranoia if he goes down there an sees a giant Xanxus shaped hole where is prisoner used to be.

H̴e̷ ̴w̶a̸s̵ ̸w̷a̶r̸n̶e̴d̷.̵ ̷

I swear Futa’s rating for me must be wrong. There is no way that I’m the 69th strongest anything. Shove me down to the bottom of that list and label me a pathetic bottom feeder. Because even the sound of an old man’s voice will apparently send me into a panic attack.

And now Reborn’s probably going to be pissed at me for storming in here and ruining his meeting.

A small hand threads through my hair and runs through with an affectionate warmth. I can’t entirely bite down on the whimper that is torn out of me.

“Are you in pain?” Reborn asks.

He obviously caught all that. Nothing escapes his notice.

He’s so cool.

He’s so cool and wonderful deserves so much better than all this shit that he has to deal with on a daily basis.

Deserves so much better than a wretched mess like me clinging to him like a supernatural leech.

“I’m fine,” I try to reassure him.

Though that probably would have gone better if I didn’t sound like I just got punched in the gut.

“Really, I’m fine. That was super fun wasn’t it? It’s always nice to passive aggressively get in the last word and then bar any attempt at a rebuttal. Dad seems like the kind of asshole that likes getting in the last word.”

As I continue rambling Sun Flames are gently pressed into the back of my aching head and run down my spine. My muscles relax and I manage to unwind from the ball that I’ve put myself in. I let my head fall back against the mattress to look doe eyed up and Reborn.

I have no idea what to do about this.

I am admitidly a shallow prick with a weakness for a pretty face. I get random pointless crushes all the time. My prime examples are Doll Face and the Cave Troll and both of those quickly developed into something much more antagonistic.

Hell, even my stable and fulfilling relationship with Renato began because I looked at Juno’s new operative and had a brief mental breakdown because he was the prettiest man that I have ever met in either of my lives.

This THING with Reborn has nothing to do with a pretty face. I don’t even even know what he actually looks like. Even now if I try to push toward that knowledge that I know is there I can’t reach it through the wall of static and NO.

Reborn ups the intensity of the infusion of Sun magic and I could almost cry because it is so nice to not be in pain. And it’s nice and warm and protective.

And I don’t think I would trust anyone else to do this for me.

“You’re a wonderful man and I love you dearly~” I praise him with absolute candour. Because now that I know it there is no way that I’m going to be able to stop myself from saying it.

Lucky for me he’s probably used to me throwing around the ‘L’ word and shouldn’t question it too much. It should at least give me enough time to clearly communicate my status as an extra-dimensional adult so it will be at least a little less weird for him when I overtly start romanticizing him.

Although, there is very few ways to make this less weird what with him being trapped in a cursed body that bears a startling resemblance to a toddler (and yet anyone with an actual working brain should be able to tell what bullshit that is because toddler bodies don’t work that way), and with me forced to relive my terrible teenaged years.

“You shouldn’t try to hide things from me, incorrigible brat,” Reborn scolds softly, as he adjusts his position slightly so he can kneed at the back of my neck.

Which feels amazingly nice.

“Didn’t want to bore you with pointless complaints,” I groan, “I know that whining gets on your nerves.”

He doesn’t answer. He just keeps rubbing soothing circles into the back of my neck.

“Besides,” I continue, “It always makes me feel like I’m taking advantage of you when you do this for me, man. I mean, I love you for more than your magical healing powers and I don’t want you to think that.”

“Inari,” Reborn says firmly, removing his hand from my neck and prompting me to look up at him.

I do so without complaint and find his expression serious.

“There is a very real difference between Dame-Tsuna bitching about his stubbed toe to try and get out of training and actual pain. Just like there is a difference between a sprain and a ruptured organ.”

I go a little rigid, but I don’t look away.

“And while this isn’t exactly my area of expertise I do have some idea of the damage that I’m compensating for,” He lays his hand back on the back of my neck and the healing infusion begins again, “Every time I heal you I get a better idea of the scope of damage that you’re dealing with.”

It’s not a question.

But it is.

It’s also a conversation that I promised him ages ago. Not that I’m particularly keen to have it right at this moment. But then I don’t think that I would be thrilled to have it even if I was fully rested and recovered.

...

There are only two people who I would ever tell this to. And I’m going to wait until Tsuna gets a little older before I start dumping the really traumatizing stuff on him. Reborn can handle it... I think. My only issue with telling Reborn was my fear that he would support Nono and not me. But if this little pow-wow with head office has told me anything it’s how deeply unimpressed Reborn is with his current employer.

I reach into my bag and pull out the little tin that Susumu-jichan gave me and pop it open.

“Despite what you’ve been told I wasn’t born this fucked up. Though I assume you already figured that much out,” I tell him as I look at the somewhat faded picture on top. “Everything that Mukuro said, everything that you just heard...”

The little boy stares up at me from the photograph. Strapped securely into the wheelchair with various harnesses and tethers. His eyes are glassy, but he can see.

He was furious, but he couldn’t show it.

He was suffering through such a horrific act of violation, but he couldn’t communicate it. And by time he could he couldn’t quite remember anymore.

It’s easier to think of HIM as opposed to ME. Easier to talk about that way. Disassociation might not be the most healthy coping mechanism, but in this instance it is necessary. There is no other way I’m going to be able to tell this story.

I hand the photograph up to Reborn without looking at him. I feel when he takes it gingerly and the sharp intake of breath when he realizes what, or rather, who it is he’s looking at.

“Cute kid right? Total mama’s boy,” I say conversationally, “he’d even admit it too. I mean he loved his dad too, but he didn’t really want to infringe on his brothers bond with him... Mama understood him better anyway.”

“Inari-“ Reborn’s voice is pitchy and strained.

I still can’t bring myself to look at him. If I do I’ll loose my nerve for sure.

“It’s story time, Sunshine,” I smile down at the next picture in the pile. Two boys; one brunette one blond. Both of them with wide topaz eyes. I have no idea how Susumu-jichan even got this one.

I pass it up to Reborn and he takes it without question.

“Ready?”

He presses his hand firmly against the back of my neck. Secure and grounding. He’s not going to let me get lost. He’s not going to let me get carried away.

“We go at your pace, Inari.”

I take a breath.

And I begin.

* * *

* * *

Most works of literature, fiction and non-fiction alike, begin with a premise. An introduction to the story that’s about to be told.

Personally, I’ve always been fond of the fairy tale ‘once upon a time.’ It’s such a simple beginning. Straight forward and to the point. Once there was a thing that happened or once there was a person who lived in a place. You get all the relevant information that you need.

I hope you don’t mind my digressing too much. Its a nervous habit you know. The talking I mean. So is the swearing, if you really want to get into an analysis of all of my ticks.

I don’t like the quiet.

Not even inside of my own head.

I got very good at talking to myself. I had to.

Anyway, the point that I’m making is that once upon a time is a fine way to start a story. Particularly when you don’t really need to go into the ambiance and other background details. It’s all about the action that happened not what might have happened. Not what might be hidden.

Once upon a time there were two boys, brothers.

Yes, I m starting now by the way.

So, there were these brothers and they were born to a wonderful, caring, loving mother, and an... alright father.

That’s probably a little bit unfair. I’m biased, though you probably already know that. The thing is he was an okay Dad. When he was around at least, and honestly he wasn’t around very often.

He would only be home once or twice a month. Sometimes we would go months at a time before we saw him.

Dad worked abroad and had a very important job so he couldn’t come home very often.

Was your dad around much when you were growing up? No, wait, don’t answer that. I’m trying to tangent again.

Anyway, back to Dad.

We were supposed to keep things secret from Daddy.

It was the rules that Mama and Grandpa made. They knew that it would be dangerous if he found out. Because he wouldn’t understand.

And because he would tell his boss about us.

Mom loved Dad, but looking back I don’t think she ever really trusted him.

Between the two of us Tsuna was closer to him. I was always more of a Mama’s boy, but you knew that already.

I... fuck this is hard, and we’re not even at the hard part yet.

... You really are too kind. How did you ever end up in this line of work?

Oh, wait, invasive question, deflecting, moving on~

Though if you ever want to tell me your origin story I’m always happy to listen.

...

Me and Tsuna were always a little bit odd. Even by this towns standards.

Tsuna intuition was always spot on. He would always know when someone was happy, sad, mad, madly in love. Seriously, my Bro-Bro is a shameless romantic. He had this thing about matchmaking when we were kids.

I think he was the one that introduced our neighbours, the Tanaka’s, to each other. Because he had known that they were looking longingly at each other from across the haunted duck pond.

... I’ll tell you about the duck pond later.

Tsuna was brilliant, you know? Before the seal fucked with his cognitive abilities.

He would pick up skills and complex concepts in a snap.

That’s what makes it such a fucking tragedy. He was smart. His still is smart, but he has to try so much harder than everyone to even grasp the most basic concepts now.

And he would hold his little flame like a lantern and guide lost souls to where they would be found.

I clung to him when we were kids. I still do. He’s such a kind person. My kind and wonderful Bro-Bro.

It’s easier for me to talk about Tsuna.

I was born a stranger in a strange land.

I was born lost and knowing to much for my own damn good and yet always wanting to know more.

I didn’t understand when I first told you about my ‘premonitioning.’ It wasn’t a lie and it still isn’t. It’s just more complicated than I can explain right now. But just know, for the sake of this story, when we were young it was so much more.

I knew things that I had no earthly reason to know.

I knew to much.

I just didn’t always know when to keep my mouth shut and pretend that I didn’t. Self awareness has never exactly been my strong suit. I like to think that I get there eventually though.

The knowing wasn’t the problem though. That wasn’t the thing that they were afraid of me doing. It was the Jedi mind trick.

You know the one.

The thing that I do, where I tell someone to do something and they just do it.

Tsuna was a passive and welcoming harmony. He plays like smooth jazz and anyone can jump in. The melody moulds easily.

I have a more aggressive kind of harmony. Percussion is adaptive and commanding...

Me and Tsuna have always played well off each other.

We were best friends

We protected each other.

...

Right up until we couldn’t.

In the summer of 1992 Dad came home with a friend. With his boss actually. He said it was because he wanted to introduce up, but... I don’t know.

When we first met him Nono seemed like a nice old man.

Odd, but kind.

He caught Tsuna using his fire. But he promised that he would keep it a secret. It made us trust him a little more.

Tsuna more than me.

He stayed at our house for about a week. And during that time he managed to talk Tsuna into showing him all the things that he could do with his magic fire. He always acted so impressed.

One day dear the end of their stay Mom went out to get some groceries.

Dad passed out drunk.

And Nono showed Tsuna HIS fire.

He told my brother he was going to show him a trick.

I didn’t trust him...

He lit up a flame on his finger and started to reach...

So I decided to show him MY trick.

I TOLD him to stop, and so he stopped.

Do you know how my trick works? It’s terrible when you actually examine it.

I’ll tell you. I trust you, so I’ll tell you.

I break off a piece of my soul, a piece of my harmony, and I shove it at someone with a whisper. A suggestion.

It only works if my WILL is stronger though. It only works if the energy that I put into it is more that the energy that my target is outputting.

In 1992 I had never encountered anyone with a will to equal mine. And so when I shoved that suggestion at him I put in as much energy and WILL as I ever did.

It wasn’t enough.

It wasn’t enough to hold onto Vongola Nono.

He broke free and then...

Well, you know what happened to Tsuna.

* * *

* * *

“Inari?” Reborn asks concerned as I trail off and don’t start up again.

He’s migrated onto the ground next to me as I’ve been talking. Every so often he’ll give my wrist a comforting squeeze as I work though the easy part of the story. This is the hard part now.

“What happened to Tsuna and what happened to me are two very different things. And what happened to me... what’s wrong with me now... Is in part my own fault.”

“You were a child,” Reborn tries to reassure me, “Nothing that he did to you was in any way your fault.”

I snort humourlessly. That will be a discussion for another day.

“Tsuna was screaming. He touched that fire to his head and then it turned to ice and then Tsuna was screaming and then he was gone,” I speak rapidly, “And what you have to understand is that me and Tsuna have always been connected. He was always with me even when he wasn’t with me and suddenly he was gone and it was like a piece of me died.”

...

“I attacked him. I don’t really remember the details because at that point I was so out of it. But when I came back to myself he had me pinned to the ground and he was coming at me with the same fire that he used to hurt Tsu and-“

Reborn squeezes my hand as I hit a stutter and can’t get passed it.

I don’t want to say it.

I desperately want to say it.

I can’t.

I ...

“Take it slow. Piece by piece,” Reborn says, “If you want to stop we stop, no further questions.”

‘I love you,’ I don’t say.

‘If there was anyone that Renato would approve of it would be you,’ I don’t tell him.

“He reached inside and found more than he was expecting,” I choke out.

“I made it sharp and tried to force him back.”

“Part of me is made of lightning. My mother is Jupiter. I got it from her.”

“I made it sharp and tried to...”

“Suddenly he reached...”

“He grabbed...”

“He tore....”

I look at Reborn my as my vision starts to tunnel and my body starts to shake.

“He tore my insides out,” I say, and my own voice sounds a hundred million miles away. “And he smiled when he ate them.”

* * *

* * *

We have to take a short break after that.

I need a moment to steady myself I feel freezing and I’m shaking. These too much. I’ve forced myself to wade into too many traumas in the past day and a half and now it’s finally catching up to me.

I don’t have the strength to crawl up into the bed so Reborn pulls down all the blankets and wraps them around me and starts talking about zeta functions and Riemann hypothesis. Of course it all flys over my head, but hearing him talk is relaxing and grounding.

His melody on the other hand is a turbulent crash of rage. I’m going to title this metaphysical melody, ‘Reborn is Plotting Murder.’ It’s more comforting than I particularly care to admit.

My greatest fear about telling this story was that he wouldn’t believe me or, worse, that he would think that it wasn’t a big deal.

It’s vindicating.

“I couldn’t move for a long time after that.”

I start talking abruptly after he reaches a lull in his own mathematical monologue.

“There was this giant chunk of me missing and I couldn’t really think straight. It hurt so badly and there was so much that was suddenly gone. I could hardly even breath.”

I reach my hand out from the cocoon of blankets and grab one of the photographs that had fallen on the floor.

A happier one this time. Of me once my arms started working again wheeling about with Susumu-jichan.

“I was totally paralyzed for the better part of a year. Couldn’t say anything. Couldn’t do anything. Couldn’t correct the doctors when they said that I was catatonic and there was no response to stimuli...”

Reborn doesn’t say anything to that. But the look of horror on his face speaks volumes.

“Obviously I got better,” I reassure him, “One day a doctor started talking about ‘putting me out of my misery’ and I just started screaming. I scared the ever loving shit out of him. I scared the ever loving shit out of myself too.”

I laugh a little at that.

Not a great memory, but I had made a grown man piss himself.

“I spent the next two years in a wheelchair, and then I had to do some pretty intensive therapy once I started walking again. Grandpa helped a lot with all of that.”

I let out a long fucking sigh.

“And that, Sunshine, is my traumatizing backstory. Any questions?”

Reborn smiles that dangerously blank smile of his as his eyes light up and the pacifier glows.

And the shadow of a man, tall and imposing looms against the wall.

“Where would you like me to shoot him before I kill that miserable wretch?” He asks with false calm.

I laugh, “Nowhere unless he decides to come here and fuck with us.”

Reborn’s eyes narrow, “I’m not the kind of man who can just let something like this go, Inari. What Nono has done, can’t go unanswered.”

“And it won’t,” I assure him as I yawn, “I’m just not really feeling up to a mission of vengeance right now and I really doesn’t want you going running off to Italy without me. I’d miss you, you know.”

He looks furious and helpless all at once.

“Do you see yourself as more of a spell slinger or a fighter?” I ask suddenly.

I’ve had about enough of this morose shit now.

Time to switch tracks.

We can revisit this for serious talk later.

“... What?” Reborn asks in pure confusion.

“I’ve been trying to figure out what class you’d be best suited for. It’s been driving me crazy because I’m sure you would be badass no matter what.”

“Brat what-“

“We’re going to be Dungeoning and Dragoning for me and Tsu’s birthday. His idea amazingly. It’s either going to be amazing or terrible, but either way I’m super fucking excited. You’ll play with us too right? It’s full of role play and math~”

He blinks.

And I can see him compartmentalizing now. He’s gathering up all the story that I told him and filing it away for later. And we will talk about it more later. But I’ve hit critical mass now and I just can’t anymore.

“You have me at something of a disadvantage, Monello.”

I grin manically, “I so rarely have you at a complete loss you’ll have to let me relish in this experience for a moment.”

He quirks an eyebrow at me and settles back against the wall with relaxed posture.

“If you want me to participate in this game of yours you’ll have to give me something to work with.”

“Don’t worry, I’ll walk you through the character creation menu, Man.”

I only get about half way through my explanation of character classes before exhaustion catches up with both of us and we crash.

* * *

* * *

**Drip**

**Drip**

**Drip**

Timoteo stares up at the once towering wall of melting ice in terror and disbelief.

“No.”

He’s gone

O̴f̶ ̴c̶o̶u̵r̵s̷e̷ ̸h̸e̴’̶s̴ ̵g̷o̶n̷e̸

He can’t be gone.

If he’s gone things with go so very wrong.

He’ll need to prepare. He’ll need to-

**Drip**

**Drip**

**Drip**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As much as Inari can be an oblivious idiot, he is also an emotionally honest idiot. Once he realizes something he doesn’t really see that need to pretend to lie to himself about it. 
> 
> And now the traumatic backstory has been reviled. At least to the point that Inari was able to reveal it. It’s hard to talk about bad shit sometimes. Especially when its bad shit that you have been mentally avoiding for years. 
> 
> As always I love hearing from you all! So let me know Questions? Comments? Theories? 
> 
> And if anyone wants to take a guess at D&D Character Classes for Tsuna, Reborn and the others I would love to hear those~
> 
> PS : There wont be a regular update next week so the next instalment of Sass and Win will be coming out on March 23~
> 
> PPS: Crazy stuff has been happening in the world. I hope everyone has been staying healthy and safe. Unfortunately, I got sick and between family obligations and an altered work schedule I haven’t been able to work on Sass and Win. Updates might be erratic for a little while. Hopefully I will be able to return to my regular schedule soon ❤️
> 
> See you then ❤️💕


	34. An Interlude : If Wishes Were Fishes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He is the living fucking apex of fuck ups and he knows it.

Iemitsu kicks back in his seat laughing his fucking ass off as looks of dire concern are traded across the conference table as Nono’s face turns form red to purple to a rather vibrant shade of blue.

It’s kind of cool.

Almost like one of those crazy mood rings.

A fleshy, old, wrinkly, mood ring.

Yuck.

That was a fucked mental image.

He going to have to drink some of that Spirytus Rektyfikowany that Moretti has brought back from his last trip to Poland. That should be enough to blast his brains out for a good week.

It might even do something for the fucking pounding in his head.

Or maybe he should listen to Basil and lay off the booze for a bit. He might be on to something with the perpetual hangover migraine theory.

Fuck that.

If these assfucks think he’s unpleasant now, they have no fucking clue how unpleasant he would be without existing in a perpetual alcoholic haze.

Iemitsu is well aware that he is a shit excuse for a human being. A completely irredeemable asshole. Soaked in more blood than even he cares to admit. Even if his records have been scrubbed squeaky clean he knows.

Everyone knows.

He hadn’t really been a subtle assassin. He had been more of the shove a pick axe through your eye in broad daylight in the middle of a busy street kind of assassin. The fact that he had never gotten caught still amazes him to this day.

He hadn’t really been trying to avoid getting caught.

In fact, he had wanted to get caught.

Particularly in those early days.

What can he say? He was a violent and petulant little fuck bent on self destruction and intent on dragging as many people down with him as he possibly could.

He’s long since grown out of that. Though every once in awhile he’ll get that nagging itch in his fingertips to blow it all to shit. To rip someone’s eye out just to see what would happen. For old times sake.

For himself.

Not because Nono ordered it.

Not because Nono decided that it was essential that they wipe a little Family from the ass end of nowhere off the face of the map.

Maybe next time Iemitsu will let Nono get up close and personal with his ‘technique.’ Remind him why it is that when the going gets tough and he sends Iemitsu in and not Reborn or one of those Arcobaleno ‘world’s strongest’ fucks.

Why it’s not a great idea to fuck over an assassin with a well noted empathy disorder.

But right now he’s going to content himself with laughing in the aftermath of his son making an ass of the man in front of all his loyal supporters.

A mouthy little prick just like his old man. He’ll have to give Nana a call soon she’s obviously been playing it fast and loose with the whole ‘oblivious housewife’ stick lately if the kid is using her as a threat.

But that’s for later.

He watches as Coyote and Barabanter haul Nono to his feet and help escort him out of the conference room.

Coyote meets his eyes over Nono’s half crumpled body and he looks pissed. And for once he doesn’t look pissed at Iemitsu. He must have caught the kids implication. It was kind of hard to miss. Inari apparently inherited his gift of gab.

He called some of the most powerful men in the mafia delicate little flowers. Iemitsu can’t help, but grin at the comparison. Kid wasn’t wrong, this whole fucking Estraeno fuckup was handled weird from the word go.

And considering his bad habit of having his heirs killed Iemitsu has his suspicions.

“Careful with your blood pressure, old man,” Iemitsu cackles, “We’re going to have to have words later and I’m not really interested in seances. Seem a little bullshit to me.”

The glare that Nono shoots back at him is nothing short of blood curdling.

Iemitsu just narrows his eyes and wiggles his fingers after him.

Fucking dickbag.

Visconte slams the door shut after the lot of them file out and Iemitsu smacks his hand against the table.

“Oregano, honey,” He directs without looking at his subordinate, “Grab Basil. I want the two of you on those fucks. If you hear a single word out of their fucking gobs about moving on Namimori you have my explicit permission and blessing to freeze the fuckers.”

“Yes sir,” she salutes like the dutiful soldier that she is and charges past the Cervello women posted at the door.

They had kept they lovely mouths shut throughout the entire meeting, but Iemitsu had kept an eye on them throughout regardless. There’s always been something fucking weird about the Cervello.

He doesn’t know if they’re robots, aliens, a colony of frigid bitches in need of a good fuck...

He’ll file that last bit away for later tonight.

“Yo, Turmeric, post up outside,” he grins lazily as he gets up and moves to the head of the table. “The lovely ladies want to chat and I don’t want the maid service listening in and reporting back to the old man.”

“Iemitsu?” Turmeric asks casting a wary look at the expressionless, white eyed women who are now congregating around the table with him.

“S’all good, Turmeric,” Iemitsu grins toothily, “Promise I’ll call you back in if things start getting kinky.”

“Please don’t,” He drawls with a roll of his eyes, and obediently leaves the room. Though he moves much more carefully around the Cervello guard posted at the door than Oregano did.

Fucking pussy. 

But he gets it. They’re creepy dominatrix looking bitches.

“So ladies,” he starts with a smile that is all teeth and not at all nice, “When you said you wanted to chat I assumed that you meant with the the big boss not little old me.”

The four of them loom over him with unintelligible expressions and say nothing.

Good and creepy.

The leather outfits are a nice touch though.

“You know I think I watched a porno that started like this once,” he snarks when they continue to loom at him, “Now which one of you has the riding crop?”

“Iemitsu Sawada,” The one on his direct right begins.

“We have business to discuss with you regarding the future of Vongola,” continues the one on his left.

“Now I really think that you’ve got the wrong guy. You’re looking for the old fuck that looks like a shrivelled prune.”

The one that has taken a seat across the table from him meets his eyes and a flash of blinding white light has him frozen in place.

Fuck.

He really fucking hates dealing with the Cervello.

At least last time he had Nana to cower behind. She’s so much better at dealing with this bullshit than he is. Though according to his asshole kid she might be trying to shank him in the near future so she might not be the best thing to wish up in this moment of imminent peril.

He should really call her before she fucking obliterates him.

“Fuck, fine, I’m listening what the fuck do you gargoyles want?” He snaps.

“Nono’s behaviour as of late has caused a great deal of concern from the Families of the alliance.”

“No fucking kidding,” Iemitsu snorts and looks around at the four of them. Irritation is starting to win over the anxiety, “Incase you bimbos haven’t been paying attention he’s been acting increasingly fucked for a while now.”

Targeting random families.

Spying on regular civilians.

Obsessively trying to collect the Arcobaleno like trading cards.

Conspiring to kill his own sons.

Xanxus.

Whatever the fuck he did to Tsuna and Inari.

Whatever the fuck he did to **HIS** boys.

“ **The power of Minerva’s Eyes has proved to be too much for him to contain** ,” Answers one.

“ **The corruption is getting worse** ,” Two speak.

“ **He has been meddling in affairs beyond his comprehension** ,” Three declare in perfect unison.

“ **Beyond your comprehension** ,” says the first.

“ **He has endangered the Grand Mechanism** ,” They all say as one.

...

And Iemitsu understood absolutely none of that. It was creepy as fuck though. What with the glowing eyes and the speaking in on multi-tonal voice. He’s pretty sure he’s cursed now though.

“Riiiiight,” Iemitsu draws the word out as he looks around at the four of them, “And this involves me how exactly?”

He’s pretty sure these bitches are just fucking with him again. He can’t deny that something about this particular encounter is making his skin crawl though. They seem different than they usually are. Even more unsettlingly alien.

This situation might be a little more dangerous than he gave it credit for.

He has to stop getting distracted by hot chicks in skimpy outfits. It is probably going to get him killed one day.

But what a fucking way to go.

He taps a finger against the cleaver that he has strapped to his leg. While the pick axe was his preferred weapon he had let Oregano talk him out of it. She thought it might be too overtly threatening to take into a debrief.

The cleaver is nice too.

Cleaner than he might prefer, but he could probably get at least three of them with one swing if he times it right.

“You would be dead before you could make the attempt,” The one across the table threatens with a vague smile that sits strangely on the usually void and vacant face.

“Really? I thought your deal was to sit around and finger yourselves as the mafia fucks itself over,” Iemitsu needles. “I seem to remember something about a non-interference policy. Or was that just some bullshit that you cooked up to piss off Nana?”

“YOu ArE nOT JupITeR, SaWAda IEMieTsu~” A horrifyingly familiar voice cracks and cackles as enormous hands with extra joints clamp down like vices on his shoulders. “ThOUGh yOu’Re ConNecTioN wiTh HeR pUts yoU in a UnIquE poSItIoN.”

Iemitsu swallows heavily as the shadow of the crone stretches across the table and projects itself against the far wall. Enormous and malformed and just as horrifying as the last time he saw her.

His fingers itch to grab the cleaver, but its impossible to move his arms. The weight that she’s pressing down against his shoulders with is crushing.

How the fuck did she get in here?

How the FUCK did she get behind him!?

He really doesn’t want to deal with this living breathing nightmare. It was bad enough to that she had started calling him when he was ‘acting boss’ he never wanted to have to see her ever again.

“YoU’ll HuRT mY FeElInGS GoiNG oN LiKE ThaT IEmiTSU,” Concetta Bovino laughs heavily in his ear. Her extra rows of teeth clicking threateningly close to his jugular. “AfTEr ALl weRE ALmoST FAmiLY NOw. MY YoUNgeST Is BEInG RaISed By YOuR HoUSe aFterALL.”

“C-Concetta~” He grins wild and manic like a cornered animal. “I had no idea that you would be popping by for a visit. Excuse me for a minute and I’ll grab the old man I’m sure he’ll be THRILLED to see you.”

He makes a vain attempt to stand only to get slammed back into the chair.

“YoU’Ll FinD tIM tO bE SomEWhaT PreOCcUpiED At ThE MoMenT,” She creeks, “BeSIdeS iT Is YOU I HAve A jOB FoR.”

“Unfortunately, my obligations as the head of CEDEF have me a little tied up,” He rebuts with a grin, “Things get a little messy when I accept outside contracts these days. Thank you for considering me though.”

In an instant he is being slammed forward and his chest is being crushed against the sharp edge of the table. Jesus fucking Christ that hurts like a fucking bitch. He tries to drag in a breath but it gets caught in his chest.

FUCK.

A long neck twists at an unnatural angle and the next moment Iemitsu finds himself staring into eyes that duplicate and multiply again and again and again into infinity. His heart stutters to a stop as the slash of a smile widens and the rows of sharp and angular teeth glint in the artificial lighting.

“I swear to fuck I don’t taste good,” he blurts out as he is struck with the irrational fear that she’s going to fucking eat him. Her mouth looks terrifying from a distance from up close it’s downright nightmarish.

He’s struck with the sudden image of a jaw unhinging to swallow him whole. Which is probably one of the most fucked up things that he has ever imagined in his life. And Iemitsu has imagined plenty of fucked and disgusting things in his life.

There was that whole phase he had in his teens where Coyote played a staring role in every fucking one of his wet dreams.

GAH

Of course he had eventually cracked and confessed his fucking sins to Timoteo. The man was more a father to him than his own had ever been. And he had been merciful enough not to fucking shoot him on the fucking spot for disrespecting his right hand man in such a disgusting way.

He had handed him over to Croquant though.

Croquant had been ‘kind’ enough to fix him right up~

Fucking gross fucking shit kid that he was. He was grateful. He would have been dead a hundred times over if not for Timoteo right?

Pissed off at the man as he is now he owes him.

Right?

And yet that sickening coil of anger in his gut just keeps growing.

Yeah.. He OWES him alright.

He’s just not sure what.

Concetta snaps her fucking teeth at him knocking his brain back into the right relay. Thank fuck. Memory lane is a bitch and he really doesn’t need that shit right now. Particularly no when this monster is breathing down his neck.

She hefts a low dangerous laugh against his flesh and he flinches back as much as he is able to restrained as he is.

“AN iNtEResTINg PRoPosiTIOn. I’lL TakE iT UNdEr ADvisEMent.”

Great. He’s always happy to be an author of his own demise. Though he’s pretty sure that when it comes down to him meeting his maker Nana has dibs and it will involve cutting out all of his organs and using him in some kind of ritual sacrifice.

He fucking loves that woman.

Though it probably says something about their relationship that they fell in love in the ruins of a subterranean Roman city while he was using her to steal back an artifact for his murderous boss and she force fed him the blood of a long dead giant.

Contrary to popular belief there is a reason why they don’t live together. And it has less to do with issues of monogamy and more to do with being attracted to the violent dangerous parts of each other.

That new boyfriend of hers better be treating her like the fucking God King she is. If not... well, if not he’ll make himself some popcorn and watch as she turns him into ashy remains.

“ThOUgh I HaVE No inTEreSt iN COnSUmINg tHE BlOOD of AtlAS thAt JUpiTEr ForCed dOWn YouR GULleT, SOw.”

It’s situations like this where Iemitsu is very fucking glad that his amygdala is screwed up. It would be much harder to focus if his fight or flight response was functional.

“Right. Good to know,” He says blithely, “Was there something you wanted? Or did you just come here to give me the world’s most painful shoulder massage?”

He’s probably tempting fate running his mouth with her and the hollow eyed babes, but he’s getting kind of bored now. There’s more ‘important’ shit he could be wasting his time doing right now.

Not that he particularly wants to be sucking up to Cavallone and the allied families for his supposed fuck up. Iemitsu’s stands by his fucking choices. The horse fuckers actions were suspicious as fuck and the fact that he and Della Rosa are both in Namimori now rubs him the wrong way.

“I tOLd yoU, I HaVE wORk foR You.”

“I’m flattered you would think of me,” he deadpans, “But I’m pretty exclusive to Vongola. Not really one for contracted work. I can get you in touch with Lal though. She’s more flexible than I am.”

“I HaVE nO iNTerESt iN PlUTo’S LeFToVERs,” she intones, “BEsiDEs ThiS wIlL BE moRe tO heR benEFit iF sHe dOEs NOt dRaW JUNo’s EYe.”

Juno?

That name sounds... familiar for some reason.

Maybe Nana mentioned it.

But also, and more immediately important;

“This has something to do with Lal?”

For a long drawn out moment Concetta says nothing. But he can still feel the sticky breath on the back of his neck. And he can see the Cervello staring at him intently. He wonders if anyone else knows that they’re on loan from the Bovino ‘Farm.’

“IT inVOlves aLL thAt are TouChed BY thE CorRUpTion Of ThE TRi-Ni-SEttE.”

His ears pop painfully on the last word and he looses it completely. It’s so disorienting that he misses the moment she releases her hold on his shoulders.

But he doesn’t miss the moment where she hauls him out of his seat and suddenly he’s dangling two feet off the ground in her powerful grip face to face with... Whatever the fuck she is.

Iemitsu isn’t a small man. He’s over six feet tall for Christ sake.

And yet that means nothing when faced with a woman that easily tops eight feet and is reported to have dredged up a submarine from the depths of the Pacific with nothing more than a chain and her bare hands.

“AnD IT waS YOuR ANcesTOR whO ABanDONed HIs DUty aND LeFt wHAt wAS entrUSted to HIM In tHe HANds of UNwORthY SCum.”

“I take it you mean Giotto?” He chokes a out mirthlessly, “He had a habit of committing and then wussing out I hear. Family history says he left his wife tragically disappointed in the sack.”

Concetta’s smile only widens and a shiver shoots down Iemitsu’s spine as get gets up close and personal with all of those extra fucking teeth. She could literally bite his entire fucking throat out if she wanted to.

That would be a bloody way to go, but he isn’t going to lie the thought of dying like that does hold some level of masochistic appeal. He had once killed a man by biting out his jugular after all. He had always wondered what it would be like on the receiving end of such a brutal end.

He swallows reflexively.

“YoU aRE nOt quITe aS STupiD as I’vE beeN lED to BelIEVe.”

“I try.”

“ThE RinGs CaN nO LOnGer REmaiN In the HanDs of the CurRenT gEneratIOn.”

...

Wait...

“Rings?” Iemitsu squeaks, “You want the VONGOLA rings.”

And then the rest of the conversation slams into his brain full force.

“You want ME to steal the Vongola rings from Nono and the rest of them.”

“YoU CaUgHT oN QUicKly,” Concetta smiles, “I aM IMprEssEd.”

He stares.

“I might bitch about the old fucks and call them names. But I am aware that they could obliterate me if they wanted to. Full disclosure, Croquant has a fucking kill switch installed in my brain.”

He usually prefers not to think about that creepy eyebrow-less fucker, but it seems a rather important point at this moment. Before this velociraptor woman forces him into her service.

“YoU wILl HAve TO Be snEAky tHeN,” She cracks.

Iemitsu continues to stare at her.

“And what makes you think I’m going to up and betray them anyway?” He snarled defensively, “Vongola is my Family. Nono is my boss. Current disputes aside I am loyal to-“

The enormous hand clamping down on his entire head is probably the most effective and most panic inducing method anyone has ever used to shut him up. And then she proceeds to clamp down a little harder and-

Welp....

There are worse ways to go than having his skull popped by some monster crone woman and surrounded by hot chicks in dominatrix gear?

And-

* * *

* * *

“Daddy!”

He doesn’t even have a chance to brace himself before his little Tsuna-fish slams into his midsection with all the force of a wrecking ball. A tiny adorable wrecking ball.

Iemitsu doesn’t waste a moment. Doesn’t waste a thought before gathering his baby boy up in his arms and spinning them both around with a loud booming laugh.

“What’s this!?” He laughs as he tickles Tsuna who shrieks with laughter, “This can’t be my little Tsuna-fish. He’s too big!”

“It’s me Daddy! It’s me!” Tsuna laughs.

Iemitsu puts him down and muses his floofly hair.

“Look at how tall your getting~”

Tsu puffs himself up proudly and grins widely back at him.

“‘M taller than ‘Nari now~” He boasts proudly.

“Are not.” A little voice pipes up and Iemitsu looks up to see his ‘itty-bitty Nari’ smiling crookedly at them both.

He opens his arms wider and his boy rushes in for a hug.

“Hey Dad,” He greets he doesn’t have the little lisp anymore and that makes him a little sad. “How was the flight? Did you get to flight first class? Do they serve drinks on the plane? Is it safe to drink on a plane? Does it make you drunker?”

But he is still his little chatterbox~

“Did you see my nails?” He continues shoving his tiny little hand into Iemitsu’s face, “Mama made them all pretty and sparkly for me~”

“Very pretty kiddo,” He agrees squeezing his kids tight to his chest.

Next time he’ll bring Basil with him. He’s sure the boys will love to meet their little brother. Nana has been bugging him to bring him to Japan anyway since Selene died and-

“Aren’t you going to introduce me to your ... children, Iemitsu?”

Timoteo looms behind him like a grim agent of doom. Dressed in a Hawaiian print shirt and a kindly smile.

“Oh, yeah, sure,” he hauls his boys up. One on each shoulder. They’ll be safer there. Closer to him... further from Timoteo.

“Nari, Tsu, this is daddy’s boss...”

* * *

* * *

“You shouldn’t have brought him here.”

* * *

* * *

When he wakes up Tsuna is screaming and crying.

When he wakes up Inari is limp and motionless on the floor with Timoteo looming over him.

“WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO THEM!?” He roars and slams the old man off the side of the poach away from his son.

“IEMITSU CLAM DOWN I DID WHAT I HAD TO DO. THEY WE’RE DANGEROUS AND UNCHECK-“

The world goes could and grey and distant. The pounding in his head is excruciating, but Timoteo hasn’t said the trigger word yet. And even if he does Iemitsu’s pretty fucking sure he can take him down with him.

“I’m going to fucking KILL you,” He promises.

Tsuna is still sobbing.

It’s okay baby. Daddy’s here.

Daddy will get rid of the monster-

“ **STOP** ,” Timoteo orders and Iemitsu’s body goes slack and numb.

All he can hear is static.

“ **Iemitsu, you’ve misunderstood**.”

He... misunderstood.

“ **It needed to be done young Tsunayoshi flames are much too powerful for a boy his age. He would have injured someone if it was left unchecked. It was for his own good**.”

For his own good...

“ **You understand that it was for his own good**.”

“Yes...”

No

What?

“Inari?”

Timoteo grabs the sides of his face and the pain is so blinding and intense that he almost throws up.

“ **I did nothing** ,” The old man says slowly, “ **He was always like that**.”

“Always... like that...”

“ **Flame deficient. Tragic really. I’m sorry for the strain that it must put on your family, Iemitsu**.”

Deficient.

“ **We must be going now. We have business to attend to**.”

“But... Nana?”

“ **NOW IEMITSU**.”

* * *

* * *

The hand crushing his head abruptly releases and he hits the ground hard gasping for air.

That.

Fuck.

“Rings... you just want the fucking rings?” He asks vacantly.

“No, YOuWaNt The RinGs OUt of TiMOteO’s HanDS.”

“I suddenly want his head on a platter.”

“NOt YEt.” Concetta croaks looming over him like a demented oversized vulture, “HiS liFe iS stILl muCh To CloSEly TiEd To OuR INari’s.”

The roaring in his ears is almost deafening. He’s frozen on the floor staring at the Vongola emblem emblazoned into the ceiling.

“IF yoU FeEl THE neEd to Be MOre PRoDUCtive, CaLL yoUR SOns. WIsH tHEm A HAppY BIrthDAY. AnD iF YOu WouLD RelAy A messAGe TO my DEaR FriEnD-“

She takes an enormous step over him her greatcoat flowing behind her.

“TeLl HIM THat SAtURN EaGERly AwAIts ThEir REuniON on tHE BEaCHEs Of PAraDIse.”

And then she’s gone.

And the Cervello are gone.

It’s just him alone on the floor.

And then he rolls over and pukes his fucking guts out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone!
> 
> Not quite a regular chapter, but I’m pretty much back to 100% now and we’ll be back to our regularly scheduled programming with Inari next week~ 
> 
> Iemitsu is an .... interesting case to say the least. He is a shitty person and he will absolutely admit to that, but there is more to his story than meets the eye. 
> 
> Let me know what you think and I’ll see you all next week 😀


	35. Butterfly Wings and Wonderful Things

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There is no roadmap. Just the beating of butterfly wings to guide you on your way.

I’m not really one to sleep in. Or sleep much in general. I go to bed late, wake up early, and usually somehow have enough energy to run around like an idiot all day and repeat the process. At least that’s usually how it goes.

There really isn’t anything too exciting about sleep when you don’t dream.

So, I had a dream.

Or maybe a nightmare?

I’m not quite sure about the specific division between the two. The entire concept is still a little strange and disturbing to me. I have enough problems inside my head without going on psychedelic night-time excursions.

It goes like this:

I’m on Mount Namimori. The terrain is much too familiar for me ever mistake, even in a sleep endured hallucination.

I’m running through the forest. Zig-zagging around these huge old growth trees that are covered in moss and vines. Every so often I will catch a glimpse of paper talismans stuck to bark.

The ground cracks with deep dark fissures into the Earth and I have to jump across each. This is Kumonosu. The western side of the mountain. Generally off limits to the public because of the danger it poses.

Not that had stopped a certain homicidal camp counsellor form dragging a bunch of pre-teens up there as sacrificial lambs to open his portal to hell.

Little Explorers Summer Camp had been a certain kind of hell itself.

Hempen rope tied around trees lined with more protection talismans creates a more defined path forward and as I continue to run I catch sight of another person running in front of me.

I try to yell out.

But no sound comes out of my mouth.

Or maybe it does?

The figure running ahead of me stops and turns around.

And I can’t see their face. Or maybe it’s just that they don’t have a face. Which might just be the most terrifying thing about this whole situation. Why doesn’t he have a face?

I try to keep moving, but my legs are starting to feel like limp noodles and each step forward starts to take hours and hours.

“Inari, you can’t stop running now,” Red says from his hiding spot in a tree, “He’ll catch you if you stop.”

I nod and try to keep moving. Takeshi is somewhere around here too. I know it. I have to find him before we run out of time before it’s too late.

I run and run and run, but it doesn’t feel like I’m getting anywhere.

And then the ground gives out beneath my feet and I’m falling and I fall hard on to a heavy metal door buried deep beneath the earth. There is a biting aching pain in my shoulder but I can’t focus on that right now. I cant focus on anything except for this heavy mental door that is thrumming with power and promise.

H̴̨̛̹̤̱̳̰̄́̉̀̆̔͂͒͊͊͒͠U̶͓͉̽̍̌͐̎̈̀͑̈́͐͝N̶̢̯̤͓͙̜͍̭̳̣̊̈́̉̽͋̓̕ͅG̷͎͖̜͎̥̜̰̯̜̭͎̋̍R̴̡̡̩̤̙͕̬͉̪̪̞͈͍̮̓̊̈̚͝Ỵ̴͊̔̀͛̎̒͌̍̈̈́͐̕͠

That’s

H̴̨̛̹̤̱̳̰̄́̉̀̆̔͂͒͊͊͒͠U̶͓͉̽̍̌͐̎̈̀͑̈́͐͝N̶̢̯̤͓͙̜͍̭̳̣̊̈́̉̽͋̓̕ͅG̷͎͖̜͎̥̜̰̯̜̭͎̋̍R̴̡̡̩̤̙͕̬͉̪̪̞͈͍̮̓̊̈̚͝Ỵ̴͊̔̀͛̎̒͌̍̈̈́͐̕͠

Mine...

There are no handles to grasp.

Nowhere to dig my fingers in and pry it open.

So instead I start slamming my fists into the door.

Again and again and again.

And it sounds like drums in the deep.

**Darling that isn’t the way**.

There is heat at my back and I look up into the many eyed gaze of a beautiful creature with a mane of fire and reptilian features.

An orchestral spiral of music plays deafening and consuming. Infinitely layered and ever growing.

“I need-“

**That isn’t the way back** , THEY say, **That door is closed**.

A wretched painful sob tears through my chest and I slam my fist into the heavy metal of of the Vault one more time.

“I’m sorry I left,” I sob, “Please don’t abandon me.”

A tendril runs softly through my hair and I look pleadingly upwards into vibrantly glowing golden eyes.

**That was never the only door.**

I gaze up at them as them as smoke billows in the sky and an alarm bell starts ringing.

* * *

* * *

“Idiots,” Reborn groans from somewhere behind my head.

I blearily blink the sleep out of my eyes and up at the ceiling that has a swirl of dark smoke that is streaming in through the crack in the door and is slowly starting to fill the room.

“What?” I ask as I roll off of whatever it is that is pressing into my shoulder. It’s probably the dice. Those things can be like caltrops if your not careful.

“Boss, be careful!” I hear Romario whisper shout though the door, “You’re going to burn-“

“GAH!”

“Counters on fire now.”

“IT’S FINE!” Doll-Face shrieks, “EVERYTHING IS FINE.”

“Your sleeve is on fire too.”

“Sinclair, if you don’t have anything constructive to add-“

“PAULA DON’T POUR SAKE ON THE FIRE!!”

Me and Reborn just stare blankly at the door listening to the idiot adult children continue to ineffectually fight what I can only assume to be a kitchen fire. Unless one of them was playing with matches out there and managed to set the curtains on fire.

I can’t hear the high strung ukulele playing so I’m going to assume that Shamal managed to make a strategic escape before the ‘kids’ decided to start their kitchen experiment. At least I hope he managed to make his escape and isn’t passed out from smoke inhalation or something equally as stupid.

I really hope not.

I also really wish that I could be surprised by this, but I’m not. This is right on mark in terms of ‘the random and senseless shit that happens in my life.’ It might even be a good sign. Just another normal day in Namimori.

“How long have they been at this?” I ask Reborn as the fire alarm continues to blare.

“Five minutes,” He answers in complete deadpan.

“And we’re ignoring the fact that we’re trapped in a fire hazard because?”

I trust Reborn implicitly, but I’ll admit this is a little out of character for him. Usually he would be all over this smacking Doll-Face up the head for being a dumbass and suavely showing off that he is the only competent adult in the room.

“I hoped one of them would remember the fire extinguisher,” He sighs and adjusts his fedora and letting Leon crawl onto his hand and transform into lime green and somewhat glowy fire extinguisher.

“And now you’re going to loose your security deposit,” I observe somewhat jokingly as he moves toward the door and proceeds to ruthlessly kick it off its hinges with a flash of golden light.

In an instant all the sound in the adjoining space goes dead quiet. I think even the fire dies down a little at the sight of the deeply unamused hitman who is casting a long shadow over all of them.

“R-R-Reborn,” Doll-Face announces with an extremely forced and extremely terrified smile on his face.

And Reborn says NOTHING.

He just stares at them completely expressionlessly with his void-like eyes and proceeds to methodically go around the penthouse putting out the fire and embers and opening the windows and sliding balcony door to air out the smoke.

He then comes to a stop in front of Dino who is standing ramrod straight sweating bullets in the centre of the still somewhat smoking kitchen.

“Dame-Dino,” he starts.

“Y-yes sir?” Dino squeaks looking more and more like a disobedient child who got caught with his hand in the cookie jar with each passing second.

“Turn on the fan,” he orders blandly and Dino hits the switch on the wall next to him so hard that for a second I’m almost worried that he broke his finger doing it.

I’m mostly just enjoying watching Reborn being the competent badass that he is. I wish I had some popcorn.

Or a lollipop.

Reborn looks around at all of them as Leon transforms into the signature handgun that his human is known for.

“I’m glad that you all seem to be feeling better,” he addresses the room at large with a terrifyingly placid smile on his face. “Though I seem to have made a grave error leaving you all to your own devices.”

He makes a show of looking around the penthouse and then at each of them. Andrew and Marco who are shifting from foot to foot nervously, Gabriella who is trying to project an aura of calm but is noticeably nervous, Romario and Paula look deeply uncomfortable and repentant. And poor Doll-Face just looks like he’s waiting for the ground to swallow him whole and put him out of his misery.

Travel sized or no there is no doubt who is in control of this room.

“Since you all seem so ... energetic this morning let’s put that energy to good use. I’ll give you two hours to get this cleaned up and back in order.”

“... Boss, the cabinets are all burnt out and shit,” Gabriella observes.

“There is a hardware store on the other side of town I believe,” Reborn with a look back to me for confirmation.

There is one closer, but I get what he’s going for here.

“Yup,” I agree with a grin, “The Tool Box. It’s up 88th toward Expressway 7. It’s got a giant hammer wielding gorilla animatronic on the roof so you wont miss it.”

When none of them move Reborn’s aura takes on a tad more menacing edge, “Get moving.”

And in a whirl of house coats, pyjamas and fuzzy slippers they are rushing out of the room at break neck speed placing blame and snapping about proper cabinet building technique.

“They are just going to make a worse mess out of this you know,” I laugh and finally flip myself to my feet.

“Most likely,” He agrees as he takes out his phone and rapidly types out a few sentences. “But it’s always good to learn new skills ... and being productive will do them all some good right now.”

“Yeah, I see that,” I agree and look around the penthouse.

It’s much less glamorous now.

“Do you think any of them will think to get paint for the walls?”

“Not a chance,” Reborn laughs, “Which is why Serge will be coming to ‘help’ them.”

“Angry Russian contractor guy?”

“That’s the one.”

Been awhile since I’ve seen that guy.

“No matter what I’m pretty sure the Hibari clan is gonna be pissed that one of their properties got messed up, man.”

Not that they could really do anything to Reborn. Local power or not I don’t think that any of them could really do much to phase the world’s greatest hitman. Especially when he’s already been through so much crazy shit.

Though I’m sure the Cave Troll would love to try and take him on.

... It might actually be fun to watch someone actually trounce Kyoya for once. It’s certainly not going to be me if the way he’s been throwing me around lately is anything to go by.

He levels up super fast.

One day I will discover his secret.

“The owner is a friend of mine,” Reborn says.

And I stare at him.

Because I was not expecting that.

“I didn’t know you were tight with the local shadow cabal,” I say, not entirely able to mask my surprise.

He smirks.

“The owner isn’t directly part of the Hibari clan.”

I pout, “Now you’re just being deliberately cryptic to antagonize me~”

The smirk widens into a genuine smile, “It wouldn’t be good form to give away all my secrets, Monello. I wouldn’t want to start boring you.”

Yeah, that made my heart do a weird spinny thing. Can someone give me an un-curse button so I can non-weirdly smooch this delightful man? Please? Someone in the multiverse must have some idea about how to fix this shit.

“I don’t think you could ever bore me.”

He preens in that self-satisfied way that he does sometimes.

“But I am still desperately curious about this mystery friend of yours,” I blurt out.

“I’m sure you’ll meet him eventually. He meant to bring his apprentice here a few months ago. Though his plans were... interrupted when Namimori started attracting so many high profile assassins.”

“So mafia guy I’m guessing?”

Reborn fixes me with a curious look as I mentally reach around in the, now, slightly more accessible story reference sheet in my brain and come up with nothing.

“I assumed with your prodigious foresight you would have realized immediately. You never seemed to have any issues identifying us before.”

“Arcobaleno then,” I say, “You guys are kinda weird there’s this whole ‘Thou shalt not peep’ thing going on there. I have to get smacked in the face before I get anything.”

It’s probably part of the curse that they have going on. But it probably also has something to do with me operating on emergency power only.

“... You have impressive deductive reasoning skills regardless.”

There is an odd shift in his posture that accompanies the compliment. He doesn’t like talking about the curse. Or even referencing it. I’m pretty sure he tries his absolute hardest to not to think about it at all. Which must require some pretty fucking impressive mental gymnastics to get around.

And from one pro mental gymnast to another I’m going to do us both a solid and change the subject before this runs us into a big NOPE.

“I always aim to please,” I grin, “so are you gonna stick around an watch the imminent chaos or-”

His posture noticeably relaxes at the subject change.

“Just until I’m sure they won’t slack off. I’ll be heading home later this afternoon. Dame-Dino’s family is more than capable of looking after him from this point, and Gabriella would just be offended by any ‘hovering’ she perceives. Besides, I’ve been neglecting Dame-Tsuna’s training lately.”

Ah poor Tsuna, he’s been slipping back into some of his bad habits since Reborn has been busy. The other day he spent four hours watching some weird toddler program with talking blocks because he was too lazy to get up and get the remote. Nothing too terrible, but he does better when he exercises.

And considering the trajectory of our lives Reborn’s training will probably save his life in the long run.

Actually, I’m pretty sure it already has.

“I’m sure Bro-Bro will be thrilled.”

I head back into the bedroom to gather up my bag and things off the floor. The tin of photographs, the dice. I double check inside the bag to make sure that Reborn’s birthday present is still safely tucked away. It is and so is Hana’s ‘order.’

Still a couple days until his birthday... I think.

“Um, What day is it?” I call over my shoulder super causal like.

“The twelfth.”

...What happened to the eleventh?

Never mind.

My ability to track time is so thoroughly fucked that it isn’t even funny.

“Awesome,” I sling my bag over my shoulder and step out of the room, “I have some errands to run before I head home. So I’ll see you there~”

I really need to drop off this shit to Hana before the universe strikes and I get called out for running around town with some kinky handcuffs and a ball gag in my bag. It’s really not my business what she and her boyfriend get up to in their free time. I just really wish that I wasn’t the person in our friend group that can get ... stuff ... on the down low.

It is exponentially more awkward now that adult me and fifteen year old me are trying to work out the mental logistics of existence.

I’m almost past Reborn on my way out the door when a tendril wraps around my ankle and I almost fall flat on my face.

I believe you’re forgetting something, Darling, Leon says.

... Oh right...that...

“By the way, probably won’t come up for awhile but I sort of kind of helped the Varia break Xanxus out of prison yesterday while you where hijacked into a meeting with the assholes. I’m pretty sure it all turned out. But just so you know, that happened and now they won’t be coming back here making demands. ‘Kay? Love you! Bye!”

I skedaddle out of there as fast as my scrawny legs can carry me.

A conversation topic for later~

* * *

* * *

I give mom a quick call once I’m out of the hotel. She’s more amused than anything that I managed to sleep away an entire day.

“You must have needed it, Sweetheart,” She giggles after I finish my lengthy and heart-felt apology about vanishing for an actual day.

“All those years of chronic insomnia are finally catching up to me.”

“You’ve been through a lot lately, Inari,” She says gently, “You and Tsuna both have. I’m hardly going to begrudge either of you taking time for yourselves.”

“Seriously the best mom~”

“Best mom who learned her lessons by being a wild and disrespectful daughter.”

It’s hard to think of mom as anything other than the eternally chill, suave lady that she is. But with the newly installed ‘Adult Lens’ in my brain I can look back on childhood and realize that she and Gramps defiantly used to have their friction.

Particularly before Nono came and fucked up all our shit and Dad wen AWOL. We started having to rely on his help so much and eventually they stopped arguing with each other.

“I think wildness is a good trait to have.”

“I do to. And I trust my boys to watch out for each other and ask for help if they need it.”

“Thanks mom,” I smile, “So how pissed is Tsuna at me?”

“Oh, he’s absolutely furious with you,” She snickers, “He was very put out when you didn’t come home last night and he couldn’t get in touch with you or Reborn-chan.”

“Sooooo, I’ll be grovelling then?”

“Definitely, you’ll probably want to bring home some treats for Lambo-chan and Futa-chan. Apparently, SOMEONE promised them sweets.”

“Ah.”

“Oh, and if you could stop in at Take-sushi on the way home? Mama forgot her purse there.”

“Will do... Anything else?”

“Just get home safe. And watch the weather. Hinata-san keeps talking about a bad rainstorm that supposed to hit in the next few days. I hope it stays clear for your birthdays.”

We hang up and I look up at the curiously blue and completely clear sky.

“Well at least he didn’t predict a freak firestorm this year.”

But Namimori is prone to some frankly strange and inexplicable weather patterns and occasional seismic events. In addition to all the other strange things that happen here on a day to day basis (Doom Festival non-withstanding).

Freak rainfall wouldn’t be entirely out of the question.

So, where to first~

I think about my ‘quests’ best routes. And then I think about how fucking much I want a lollypop right now.

“Kimura’s candies ho~”

* * *

* * *

I head onward to Take-Sushi half way to a sugar high and what feels like half the candy store jammed into my bag.

Is this a poor life choice?

Most definitely.

Do I care?

No, no I do not.

Besides sugar is probably a ‘healthier’ life choice than all the booze I still desperately want to drink. I found myself lingering outside the liquor store with jittery hands and a clammy sweat breaking out.

It’s awful.

It feels fucking awful.

And I hate myself for wanting it so badly.

What a fucking thing to bring across timelines.

‘Are you mad at me?’ I text Reborn in a desperate attempt to distract myself.

I feel kind of shitty about dropping all that info on him and than fucking off before he could get a word in.

‘Hardly,” He texts back a moment later, ‘I find your talent for shit disturbing rather charming.’

Oh look, the fluttery butterflies are back.

‘I’ll give you the play by play later on :)’

‘Brat.”

I pretty much float the rest of the way to Takeshi’s place. I’m really going to need to get a handle on this. Unfortunately, I’ve never been anything less than an emotionally honest moron.

And right now I’m an emotionally honest moron with a debilitating crush that I have no idea what to do with.

But it feels nice and fluttery.

I see Takeshi before he sees me and pretty much just throw myself onto his back and cling koala like.

“Takeshi~”

He laughs and doesn’t even wobble at all. Apparently I weigh absolutely nothing to him.

“Inari~” He trills back at me, “Tsuna was worried about you. Did you get lost?”

I hold on tight to his shoulders as he spins us both around on his heels and starts walking toward the restaurant entrance.

“Mmm, sorta? I guess?” I say thoughtfully, “I fell asleep.”

“For a day?”

“Apparently.”

“You don’t usually sleep.”

“I sleep,” I protest.

He makes a very sceptical noise and pinches my calf.

“No, you fall unconscious.”

“Same difference?” I try, “Anyway it was different this time. I dreamed.”

Takeshi kinda knows about the no dreaming thing. Tsuna does too of course. It was a weird thing when we were all kids. Takeshi would always tell me about the crazy dreams that he had when we had our sleepovers. And Tsuna would tell me about his nightmares.

I’ve never been able to reciprocate.

“Really?”

“Yeah... I think? I was running around on the camp grounds on the mountain. Red was there and I was trying to find you...” I hesitate for a moment before I press on, “There was a door in the ground that I needed to get into.”

Takeshi pushes open the front door with his foot and I wave at Yamamoto-san as the two of us pass the front counter. Take-sushi is busy today so we don’t really have time to chat. We just pass through the crowded tables and into the hallway that connects the restaurant with the main house.

“Was it an important door?” Takeshi asks as we start shuffling around his living room looking for Mom’s purse. It’s messier than the last time I was here. But that’s probably just a testament to how busy everyone has been lately and the fact that swords training has started to take over a lot of his and Yamamoto-san’s time.

“Yes,” I tell him, “It was.”

“Do you need a key?” He asks after a moment of very visible thought.

I appreciate that he’s willing to talk it out with me.

“Maybe, but I think that it’s more that I have to find a new door.”

I finally find Mom’s purse underneath one of the sofa cushions and shove it into my back of infinite crap.

“Know what it looks like?”

I sigh, “No idea.”

“Hmmm,” Takeshi frowns in comical concentration, “maybe we need to go back up to the mountain?”

“Return to Little Explorers Camp?” I ask with a cocked eyebrow.

“Sure, I’m game if you are,” He grins with his teeth, “We can bring everyone up again like the training camp.”

“On the dark side of the mountain?” I ask doubtfully. There are various reasons why it’s forbidden for locals to go up there.

“It’ll be fun.”

“Sure, but we should probably wait until the apparently incoming rainstorm passes through.”

* * *

* * *

It doesn’t take long to get to Hana’s place. She and her mom’s live in the ritziest part of town. Lawyer and Neurologist are some well paying jobs after all. Hana’s mom’s are very sweet and great and I hope to Christ that neither of them ever find out that I’m helping their daughter smuggle in some contraband that she will later use on her sweet buff boyfriend.

“I don’t want to know,” I tell her as I hand over the discreetly wrapped package and do my best to mimic Reborn’s trademark placid nothing smile to mask how super awkward I feel at this moment, “But please be safe.”

Hana stares me down with this haughty expression.

“None of your business, Sawada,” she says as she ushers me in through the door, “But thank you for the concern.”

Once the door shuts behind us she whirls on me and grabs some of my, still somewhat charred, hair.

“What the hell happened to you anyway?”

“Lightning strike,” I tell her simply.

“Again?”

“It happened before?”

I’m going to have to take a good week and sort out my brain. My mental organization system is well and truly fucked now.

“When was the last time you went for an appointment with mom?” Hana asks me seriously.

I just give her a helpless look and shrug.

“Inari-“ She groans in disgust.

“I’m generally fine,” I shoot back irritably, “There’s just been a lot going on lately.”

“I’ve heard,” the unimpressed look only deepens, “Kyoko filled me in on the climactic battle bits. But you’re less triumphant than I thought you’d be considering how much of a cocky shit you we’re being before everything went down.”

“Reality has a way of biting you in the ass when you least expect it to,” I grumble unhappily and slump over onto the designer couch that the Kurokawa’s have in their parlour.

It’s not the most comfortable piece of furniture, but it does the job.

“I hear that I guess. Della Rosa is still alive though?”

“Apparently, Doll-Face went to visit her, but he didn’t really give any updates.”

Not that I’ve really had the time or inclination to ask Dino about Cassandra. Thinking of her makes me think of Murkuro, which makes me think about Michael and I really don’t want to keep spiralling down that road.

“The pretty boyfriend that Kyoko keeps teasing you about?”

I shoot her a withering glare, “Don’t you start too.”

“You can dish it, but you can’t take it?” She says snidely.

“Hardly,” I snort, “Gorgeous as he is he reminds me way to much of Tsuna, and words can’t describe how not into that I am.”

Hana plops herself down next to me, “And yet you still look pathetically lovesick.”

Ugh.

Kurokawa Hana, emotional lie detector.

“Veto,” I announce and she immediately backs off.

“Alright. Next question; why is Dame-Tsuna suddenly trying to get me to come over to play Dungeons and Dragons?”

“Because he is a good brother who has no idea he is inviting a Hag to the table,” I grin, “You game?”

“I don’t really have anything else on my plate for YOUR BIRTHDAY, dumbass.”

“Cool,” And then because I am a good friend and I want to give her fair warning; “Reborn is probably going to play with us for a bit too.”

“The baby?” she asks with a shudder.

Fuck it’s irritating to have him reduced like that. I know it’s not Hana’s fault, but still-

“ **He’s not a baby** ,” I snap waspishly under my breath, “ **He’s a grown fucking man who’s had his body epically fucked with to look like that against his will.** ”

I NEED to get back into the Archive. I NEED to. Whatever has been done to the Arcobaleno the answer to undoing it will be there. I know it will be there. And I have a terrible feeling that I already know what this entire thing is about.

A terrible sinking feeling.

That I know WHO is behind it.

...

The world is still ending after all.

...

It takes me a moment to realize that Hana isn’t talking. She isn’t saying anything. I peek back over at her and wait for the conversation to kick back in where it stoped. I’ve seen it happen enough. Once I told Reborn he showed me the singularly fucked up phenomena first hand.

He tells someone: “I’m an adult,” or something to that effect.

And then the person just has this very visible brain-hiccup. And then the conversation rewinds back to the moment before he said anything; “Hello there little boy lets find your mommy.”

The look of exhausted resignation on his face is painful.

“Hana?” I ask a little worriedly after another moment passes and she still hasn’t said anything, “You okay?”

“How?” She demands suddenly and I flinch back from the intensity of the half crazed look in her eyes.

“What?” I ask, because there is something seriously freaky happening in this moment and I have no idea what is happening.

“Bodies don’t work like that,” She snaps, “You can’t just squish a person down into toddler size! So why the hell does that make sense?!”

There is a shrill panicked edge to her voice now and my own heart rate accelerates sympathetically.

Holy fucking shit.

Please, God, tell me that I didn’t break Hana!!

“They don’t and it doesn’t,” I tell her slowly, “But I swear to god that it’s true.”

“Then why-“

“I have no fucking clue usually you would have forgotten all of this by now!”

“Forgotten?”

* * *

* * *

And this is how I ended up giving Hana the worst and most panicked rundown on the Arcobaleno curse ever.

Because, what the fuck right?

Who the hell am I to question the fickle whims of the universe.

And she just sits there and listens and seemingly understands each and every word that is coming out of my miserable mouth. After a while she holds up a finger to shut me up and goes to get some paper and pens out of a nearby desk.

“We’re going to need to conduct some tests.”

* * *

* * *

I get home later in the afternoon than I mean, with a vague headache and more questions than answers. Me and Hana hadn’t really been able to prove anything on our own. Other than the fact that the more I talked about even the bare bones of what I understand the Arcobaleno curse to be the less she seemed to remember and comprehend.

It’s confusing.

And a little upsetting.

And leaves me wanting my Archive more than ever.

In the end we decided we would wait until she came to visit for the game before we came to any formal conclusions. Because it might just be a me thing. It might have been a command thing.

And if she instantly forgets when she sees Reborn (or Verde if he decides to randomly drop in again) . Then we know it’s definitely a me thing.

And I’m not quite sure what that means other than the assurance that it would imply the Mechanism.

And implicate my dearest Grandfather.

... I don’t really want to think about this right now.

As soon as I pass through the front gate I’m drawn into the backyard by the sounds of Tsuna’s shrieking apologies, Lambo’s uproarious laughter and Hayato wailing;

“Don’t worry Tsuna-sama! I’ll get you down!”

My Hana inspired anxiety starts to evaporate away and is replaced by burning curiosity as I round the house to find an entire high fantasy themed obstacle course set up in our backyard, complete with spiderweb like climbing ropes, a bubbling cauldron a stone cave and various other additions that make it the most awesome thing ever.

Tsuna is dangling precariously by a foot in the spiderweb rope as Lambo and Futa, dressed as adorable little spider goblins pelt him with nerf balls under the direction of the ‘Great Forest God, Reborn.’

Druid suits him strangely well. I thought he might go for Rogue, but in the end Druid with command over the chaotic all powerful forces of nature suits his flashy nature much better.

And as always his costuming is fucking amazing.

Reborn catches me looking before any of the others notice my sneaky arrival and gives me a wink. And my grin just grows, because this is awesome.

And while it might make me feel a little bit conceded... I’m pretty sure he put this one together for me.

“INARI!!” Tsuna yelps as he catches sight of me and waves his arm in a ‘help me save me,’ kind of way.

“How’s it hanging, Bro-Bro?”

He glowers at me.

“Are you still mad at me?” I ask.

“Yes,” he pouts and continues to glower down at me.

“Will you be less mad if I get you down from there?”

I don’t like it when Tsuna is upset with me. And I really do feel terrible about making him worry so much lately. Honestly, he has every right to be pissed off at me.

“Maybe.”

“Is there anything that I can do to make you not mad at me?” I beg slightly.

He thinks for a long moment and keeps his, now vibrantly orange, eyes narrowed at me. I’m pretty sure that he’s doing his twin telepathy soul scan on me because after a moment his expression softens dramatically.

We’re really doing a paradigm shift aren’t we?

“Hamburger for dinner.”

“That I can do.”

* * *

* * *

The next morning I find Reborn in the kitchen at the crack of dawn. I didn’t really sleep at all. The whole Hana thing has me really keyed up. I have no idea what it might mean other than the fact that it’s breaking the ‘rules’ of what I have observed in terms of the Arcobaleno curse up to this point.

I’m going to tell Reborn about it.

Just not today.

Today I want things to be chill and un-stressful and fun. And for that to happen I think I need to not rush into this. It’s been bothering him a little more recently I think. He’s been actively avoiding reflective surfaces for the past few days and while I’m not entirely sure what that means I don’t think it’s anything good.

So I’m going to try very hard not to fuck today up.

Reborn deserves to have a nice birthday and to feel good about himself.

And on a separate note, Tsuna had hauled me into the crawl space after dinner last night and confided that Kyoko was taking him out on a date-date today. And basically begged me to keep Reborn busy.

“He’ll make everything all crazy and complicated and I don’t want to screw this up.”

Tsuna then proceeded to give me the most pleading and pathetic puppy dog pout that I have ever seen on his face.

“Please Inari, Kyoko is really excited to see this movie.”

I’m pretty sure what Kyoko is actually excited about is getting a lap full of terrified boyfriend for three hours once Tsuna realizes that she’s taken him to an R-rated horror flick with a deceptively cheerful movie poster.

I’m hardly going to ruin that surprise for him. Besides, this way I can take Reborn out on the town without arousing too much suspicion.

Now if only watching him work wasn’t so fucking mesmerizing we might be able to get this show on the road.

Reborn has his GLOCK disassemble on the table in front of him. He takes each piece and systematically and meticulously cleans each piece. When he finishes he sets each piece down on the crisp white towel to his left before moving on to the next piece.

He’s just so professionally and exact about the whole process that it’s really hard for me to get my brain back online. It’s inconveniently distracting and I’m once again hyper aware of the butterflies fluttering away in my stomach.

Because I’m a garbage fire person and someone should really come put me out of my misery.

I know I have it bad when the impulse to antagonize doesn’t engage as a self-defence mechanism.Which is unfair considering the circumstances.

Somehow I’m starting to feel like the protagonist in a campy romance manga.

“Something I can help you with, Brat?” Reborn asks, his voice laced with amusement. “Or did you just want to stare?”

The stupid part of me that lacks anything resembling impulse control desperately wants to say, ‘nope, just here to stare.’

I somewhat manage to stomp down that impulse so what comes out of my mouth instead is, “I though you liked to show off~”

Sass is my ultimate fall back.

The butterflies need to calm the fuck down.

“I didn’t realize that I would be performing so early in the day,” He professes somewhat theatrically, “I don’t have anything prepared.”

“I don’t believe that for a second, Dude.”

Reborn smirks, “Nor should you.”

He proceeds to quickly and efficiently fit all the pieces of his weapon back into place. Not missing a single piece or faltering once.

It is extremely impressive.

And all I can do is smile and stare at the static shape of a man superimposed where Reborn is sitting. Hip resting against the edge of the table long featureless fingers clicking the safety on.

Let me see, let me see, let me see!

The figure fades and Reborn comes back into focus with a smug preening smirk on his face as he looks at the awestruck look on mine.

“Have a rendered you speechless, Monello?” He teases.

“Yup,” I squeak, “That was really impressive.”

The suave violin accompaniment that has kicked in is doing nothing to help the mad drumbeat heartbeat that I’m rocking right now.

“I am a professional after all,” He says as he disappears the GLOCK into his jacket without a trace. “It’s important to know the in’s and out’s of your equipment and maintain it properly. And also-“

He tilts his head and gives me a considering look before he continues, “You never know when you might end up in a situation where your weapon is in pieces and you have no earthly idea how to fix it with heavily armed criminal bearing down on you... hypothetically speaking of course.”

“That’s oddly specific for a hypothetical,” I challenge witha raised eyebrow.

Which he meet with a secretive smile.

“It wouldn’t be good for my image if past faux-pas started getting out.”

A giggle bubbles up in my chest, “That sounds made up. It’s hard to imagine you fucking up.”

The fedora tilts. The smirk grows. Leon cracks open an eye and gives me a minutely amused glance.

“Failure is one of the ways we grow. And believe me, Inari, I have failed more than enough in this life. I’ve just done my best to learn from my failures.”

“You are very cool, and suave, and amazing~”

“And you are flattering me. Again.”

I shrug.

“I have a habit of spoiling people on their birthdays. You might have notice that.”

“Ah.”

Reborn’s expression moulds into something a little more placidly neutral.

“You though I forgot?”

“Apparently not.”

That’s sort of an odd response.

“So, do you want to step out with me for me for a bit?” I ask gesturing to the beautiful sunny day outside.

Still no sight of that foretold rainstorm.

“Step out?” He repeats with a soft laugh, “Are you taking me on a date, brat.”

I give him my best charming smile and a half bow, “You bet’cha, Sunshine.”

For a long moment Reborn just gives me this incredibly intense searching stare and I do my best to meet it unflinchingly. There is a sudden heaviness in the room. An intensity of presence. And I am once again reminded that, appearances aside, Reborn is, in fact, a grown man.

A grown man that I am very overtly flirting with now.

I gulp a little but I don’t back down.

I gotta start somewhere after all.

“I have very high standards,” He finally says as he hops off the table and lands lightly on my shoulder.

“This I know,” I say, as I walk us both out of the kitchen and out of the house. Grabbing a hat and coat off the rack before we leave.

“Give me a chance to impress you.”

* * *

* * *

Our first stop is, of course, The Mermaid Cafe.

Because where else would you begin a birthday adventure for a self admitted caffeine addict?

Exactly.

“Any special requests?” I ask him, “It’s all my treat. So pick whatever you like.”

“Espresso,” He says immediately, “And perhaps one of those strawberry tarts.”

“Coming right up~” I sing, “Do you want to grab our booth?”

He gives the back of my neck a light squeeze before he hops off my shoulder and strides over to our usual table.I watch him go and I see him again. Tall and made of static. The outline of a familiar fedora on his head.

It feels like something is chewing on my brain stem.

I blink a few times and the superimposed figure vanishes.

... Maybe I should listen to Hana and go get a CAT scan.

Though somehow I doubt a CAT scan would be able to see any of the supernatural interference that’s going on inside my head.

I turn to the barista at the counter and cheerfully place our order.

“You don’t usually stop in this often, Sawada-san,” she says conversationally, “You always seem to be on the move.

“Oh, you know, getting old. Can’t run around as much as I used to.”

She laughs and I take my order brand spin on my heel before I can get dragged any further into conversation.

“That was rather abrupt of you,” Reborn observes as I set down our coffees and tarts.

“Really?” I ask wryly, “Should I go back and flirt with her?”

Reborn gives me a LOOK and takes a long sip of his espresso without breaking eye contact.

I’m going to take that as an emphatic ‘NO.’

“Don’t worry, Sunshine,” I murmur into my cappuccino, “She’s not my type.”

He laughs, and the two of us settle into some light non-mafia related conversation. Or rather some tangentially related mafia conversation. I tell him about the Haunted Duck Pond in Momiji Park. Which transitions into him telling me about a job he had once taken to ‘haunt’ an old castle in the South of France.

“Two families were in dispute over the rightful owner of the property after an alliance marriage fell through. There was some discussion of a hidden treasure on the property. Don Martin decided that the most direct course of action would be to move himself and his family into the castle. Despite the fact that it was a decrepit piece of shit. His rival, a woman by the name of Vera DuPont hired me with the instruction to ‘scare the piss out of that superstitious piece of shit.’”

He has such a sneaky look on his face that I can’t help but giggle.

“I assume you delivered on that with flourish.”

“Don Martin has since retired to a quiet town in Wales... I still send him ‘gifts’ from time to time.”

“Troll,” I compliment him, “What happened with the ‘treasure?’”

He smirks and takes a sip of his re-filled espresso, “Strangely Madam DuPont never found any treasure.”

“Did someone else find treasure?” I needle in interest.

“Perhaps.”

I laugh and take this break in conversation to fish out the lacquer box from inside my bag and set it gently down on the table in front of Reborn. He eyes it with keen interest and taps a finger on the finely polished lid.

“What’s this?” He asks.

“Treasure chest,” I tell him.

“Really,” He says wryly.

“Open it and see.”

He opens the box and pauses briefly before reaching in an daintily plucking out one of the carefully rolled ties and the accompanying hat band. He gently unfurls it, the one with the swirly embroidered suns set against a topaz silk. The band has been fitted with a copper swirling clasp.

“These are beautify made,” He announces softly after a moment of quiet appraisal.

“They’re custom,” I beam at him, “I made the designs but the real credit goes to Susumu-jichan. He’s the master craftsman after all.”

Reborn gently runs his fingers across the rest of the silly yet dazzling ties in the box.

“You like’em?” I prompt.

His attention instantly snaps back to me and he gives me this intense and wibbly and desperate and determined look. Before slipping his fingers into his own tie and pulling it off in two practised motions and replacing it with the swirling sunshine’s.

He then carefully slides the band off of his fedora and fastens the new one carefully adjusting the clip so it sits just so.

When the transformation is complete he strikes a pose and looks at me expectantly.

“How do I look?”

“Very snazzy,” I smile.

His eyes light up, literally, at this praise.

“I have to admit, I didn’t expect you to have such fine taste in fashion, Monello."

“What’s that supposed to mean?” I gasp with mock insult.

The effect is probably somewhat diminished by the fact that I can’t stop beaming at him.

He gives me a very pointed look and I laugh.

“Yes, I know, I dress myself like a colour blind raggamuffin. If you like I’ll introduce you to Susumu-jichan and you can dress me up in something fancy.”

Reborn laughs and then he quiets as his gaze once again ramps up in intensity.

“I wonder,” He murmurs, “Was I early, or were you late this time?”

“Huh?”

I blink in confusion not quite catching the thought.

He waves me off and hops out of the booth, “Don’t worry about it now. I thought we had more plans for today.”

“Of course!”

I slide out of the booth and follow him out the door.

* * *

* * *

By time we return home we’ve had two separate encounters with the world’s most incompetent gangsters. One involving a vat of custard, the other involving our local chapter of the Scouts in the process of obtaining their Mob Justice badges.

It made me all nostalgic for the good old days.

We played ‘tag’ with the Cave Troll when he decided that he was going to full out pick a fight with Reborn.

“They really do resemble each other,” Reborn says amusedly once we loose him.

“Who?”

“You’ll see.”

And, by no fault of my own there might be a glitter-splosion incident that renders us both sparkling beacons of awesomeness.

“Good Birthday?” I ask him as we meander slowly up our street back home. Both of us are glittering in the light of the setting sun which makes it very easy for Kyoko and Tsuna to spot us as they come down from the opposite direction.

And as I expected Tsuna is absolutely clinging to Kyoko who looks entirely smug about the whole thing.

“Yes, you might have a talent for this, Mio piccolo incantatore,” Reborn says.

“Ooo, I like that one,” I purr, “It makes me sound all magical.”

“Hm, we’ll see if it sticks, Brat.”

“I like that one too,” I tell him as we wait for Tsuna and Kyoko to stop making out in the middle of the street.

“Though while we’re still on the topic of birthday gifts,” Reborn continues as the roaring in my ears starts to subside, “you’ve professed an interest in a topical vacation. And while we can’t set off immediately I have made arrangements.”

“Trying to upstage me already, Sunshine? We haven’t ticked over past midnight yet.”

“I’m feeling somewhat inspired at the moment.”

“Oh well, who am I to say no to inspiration,” I smile cheekily at him.

“Brat.”

* * *

* * *

I fall asleep as soon as my head hits the pillow. And no sooner do my eyes close than I find myself back in the forest. Standing in front of a very familiar man.

“My boy,” Grandpa greets with a menacing smile, “Consider this your first and final warning.”

D̸O̵N̷’̶T̶ ̴I̴N̴T̷E̷R̴F̶E̴R̷E̸ ̶

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alternate title : How many plot threads can Inari run head first into while he tries to celebrate Reborn’s birthday? 
> 
> This chapter is probably one of the fluffiest things that I’ve ever written. But I felt that some fluff and sweetness is needed right now. Inari has been through a lot (and the world is .... going through some shit)
> 
> Let’s get the plot train moving! New arc ahoy!!!
> 
> As always I love hearing from you all! So let me know Questions? Comments? Theories? 
> 
> Hope everyone is staying healthy and safe! 
> 
> See you next week!  
> ❤️💕


	36. Toil and Trouble

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Watch your step, there’s still a long way down.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter warning : reference to suicide and depression.

I don’t know what one is supposed to feel as they stand on the edge of a howling abyss, but all I can bring myself to feel in this moment is sad.

Sad, looking at the man standing on the other side of the chasm in the astral sea. Sad at the way he’s looking back at me.

I knew it of course, but seeing his face brings out this whole new level of betrayal. Because I’ve seen this face. I’ve seen it recently. And this level of manipulation isn’t new for him, but it doesn’t make this hurt any less.

I keep my mouth clamped tightly shut. There is a very high chance that if I let myself start talking I’m going to live to regret it. So I just keep standing there staring at Grandpa as he leers back at me with barely contained malice.

Sawada Inari had never been afraid of his grandfather. He had never been given reason to be. He had only ever known the kind man who had taught him games and secrets and stories. The man who had put him back together after he had so carelessly been torn apart.

The same cannot be said of Inari Tsukishima.

And unfortunately, at this moment, and quite possibly forever more, I am more one than the other.

“I allowed your last act to stand because I thought that this time you innately understood. But I see now that was a foolish assumption on my part.”

He waves his finger in a circle and appearing from smouldering flames of indigo that make me want to die are seven game pieces shining brilliantly in the darkness.

Orbiting, orbiting, orbiting.

“The key is BALANCE, my boy. And if you continue to try pulling on the threads of the tapestry you may not live to regret it.”

I don’t say anything. I just keep staring at the orbiting lights of brilliant colour. And the static branching out around them.

“Stop that,” Grandpa snaps viciously, “Without your eyes it’s meaningless. You’re just a child flailing in the dark. Too stupid to realize what it is that you’re smashing beneath you’re clumsy fists.”

I go rigid.

Everything he’s saying.

“Mind me, Inari,” He intones, “Because you will not like me for an enemy, my boy.”

I don’t think he realizes...

“You have no idea who you’re dealing with.”

He vanishes in a crack of flames that are more white than indigo and then I’m falling. Falling down into the darkness of the howling abyss.

I don’t think he realizes who HE’S dealing with.

* * *

* * *

I wake up on the floor as the early light of morning filters in through the window.

I feel achy and irritated in all the worst ways. All and all not a stellar way to start the day. God, he’s such an asshole. Didn’t even have the courtesy to say ‘happy birthday, Inari.” Or “Surprise I’m not actually dead.” Or any of the hundred thousand other things that he could have said.

Don’t interfere, huh?

I’ll take that as an open invitation to start sticking my fingers all over whatever ridiculous thing he has planned. And if he has something to say to me about it he can come say it to my face.

And really, what a nice and specific warning that was from my dear not so departed grandfather. He has always enjoyed his cryptic and theatrical displays of intimidation. I suppose I had to inherit that trait from somewhere and it certainly wasn’t from mom. She’s always favoured the more subtle and methods of intimidation.

The flashy stuff only happened when she really looses her temper.

... I suppose I could have gotten it from Juno. But the very thought of being anything like that manipulative psycho-bitch makes me want to vomit. I like to think that as terrible as I know I can be I will never be quite so terrible as Lucretia Giglio Nero.

Renato and the others could never understand why me and Aria were so nervous around the sweetly smiling and matronly director. At least in the beginning. They had all learned of course, some more quickly than others.

...

Ugh.

I would kill for a scotch right about now.

Whisky.

Wine.

Something.

Words cannot describe how much I desperately do not want to think about HER of all people.

“Inari?” Tsuna asks blearily.

I turn my head slightly to see him peeking down at me over the edge of his bed.

“Hey.”

“Why are you on the floor?”

“Fell,” I answer shortly. A testament to how shitty I feel that I’m not currently regaling him with some epic struggle against the forces of darkness.

Actually, I’m fairly certain that I was actually shoved through the void by the astral projection of an cantankerous old man with a god complex.

Not that I can really call him old with the pretty new face that he’s rocking.

I listen as Tsuna shuffles out of bed and gingerly steps to avoid the creaky floorboard in the centre of our room. He’s gotten so much better at his dexterity checks lately. Really, I’m so proud.

I watch out of the corner of my eye as he circles the little coffee table and comes to hover over me me. It’s still pretty dark in our room but there is enough light filtering through the curtain that I can make out the wide eyed stare and something that I hadn’t noticed last night, what with my own post-date giddiness.

“Nice hickeys, Bro-Bro,” I tease him. And I wouldn’t have been able to keep the shit eating grin from taking over my face if I wanted to.

“HIEEE!” Tsuna squeaks as his hands fly up to his neck in a futile attempt to cover the shit ton of hickeys that I can now very clearly see circling his neck.

Holy shit. 

“So I guess you guys really had a good time at that movie,” I continue to tease him as I pull myself to my feet and start circling like a vulture.

Tsuna lets out a long wordless whine as he scurries over to the little mirror that we have hanging on the wall next to the window so that he can get a better look at the ‘damage.’

“Oh my god, Kyoko-chan~”

“It looks like you got chomped on by a vampire,” I laugh and poke gently at a particularly dark mark on the back of his neck that has little teeth marks in it. I reach around him to pull open the curtains to let in a little more light and Tsuna EEPS when he sees the dozens of hickeys decorating his neck.

I seriously admire that girl. Right after my own heart. I totally get the impulse, sometimes you just want to mark your man up in the best possible way. I mean it’s kind of awkward in this scenario when the man in question is my adorkable twin brother. But I’m going to choose to be happy for him and his rapidly blossoming romance.

My adorkable Bro-Bro in question is rapidly turning beet red as he pokes and prods at his neck. The goofy smile on his face tells me he’s not terribly upset about this turn of events.

Just happily mortified.

“What am I supposed to do about this?!” Tsuna whines, “Everyone is going to see~”

“Brag?” I offer helpfully.

My head is half in another life right now. Once upon a time I would proudly display my ‘badges of honour’ as Renato followed behind with the smuggest look on his pretty face.

“Inari~”

“I’m serious, Bro-Bro. You and Kyoko have a good thing going on and there is absolutely nothing wrong with physical affection and the mementos of such events. So long as everyone is on board and stays safe, sane, and consensual.”

Tsuna makes a face as this segues a little to close to sex-ed. But, fuck it, it bears saying.

“Seriously, Tsu, the worst that you’re going to get from any of us is some good old fashioned jealous teasing.”

I can feel Tsuna’s eyes boring into me through the mirror and I do my best to keep the little twist of bitterness that I feel coiling in my gut off of my face.

It’s stupid to be jealous... But I can’t deny that since remembering everything Renato is sitting pretty at the forefront of my mind. I don’t think I’m ever going to be able to get him off my mind entirely. We knew each other for twenty years after all. We were together for nineteen of those years. Married for fifteen.

I spent more years kissing Renato than Sawada Inari has been alive.

And, god fucking damn it, I miss kissing him.

And I really, really fucking want to be able to kiss Reborn. Preferably at some point in the very near future.

Although, I’m not entirely sure that he’s game for kissing or any of the romantical stuff. Emotional intimacy doesn’t automatically mean any desire for sexy times. And if he wants to keep things platonic after we fix this curse situation (and trust me I am going to fix this curse situation if it’s the last thing I do) I will one hundred and fifty percent respect that no matter what.

I would never ever force anyone into -

Stoping now.

I really don’t want to walk into this mine field right now. 

The hug takes me a little off guard, but not by much. I snuggle into Tsuna’s arms a little more and let out a petulant little huff of frustration against his shoulder. I really didn’t want to be a mess today.

Not that I really had much choice in getting kicked off of the wrong side of the bed this morning.

“What’s this for?”

“Sorry.”

“...You really have nothing to apologize for, Tsu.”

“You got sad.”

“It happens,” I shrug as he continues to hold on to me, “Full disclosure, it’s probably going to happen a lot more for a little while.”

“I know, that’s why I’m hugging you.”

“... Goofus.”

We stand around hugging for way longer than we probably need to. But if Tsu’s going to indulge me in some twin hug time I am not going to say no. I am desperately in need of some serotonin right now.

I don’t actually know how long we stand there for. Long enough for the sun to come up more. Long enough that I start to zone out of the comforting and homey Bossa Nova beats that dance around us. Long enough, that when I accidentally step back on to the TV remote the sound of Hinata Shoichi’s voice booming through the speakers make us both jump a full foot in the air.

“- GOOD MORNING, NAMIMORI!”

“Gah!”

“Volume, turn down the volume!”

“I got it, I got it!”

“- NOTHER BEautiful day in our fair city. But we here at Channel Five News would like to remind you all not to believe everything you see, hear, or smell. The world is a mysterious place filled with darkness and danger and forces beyond our mortal comprehension are constantly trying to kill us all! Like the weather! Because as beautiful as it looks outside right now our local weather oracles say that a STORM is just on the horizon. So batten down the hatches and brace for some hurricane force winds with a high chance of disintegration-“

Our bedroom door creaks open behind us and I turn to see Reborn standing there with a mug of coffee in hand giving the newscaster on the screen the most incredulous look. Though, that is his default expression when listening to the morning news.

“Local weather oracles?” He repeats slowly.

“-Or what that supposed to be precipitation? Kenji-dear, make sure to spell check these please. We wouldn’t want to give our darling audience the wrong idea-“

“How else would you go about predicting the whims of the awe inspiring forces of nature?” I sass back at Reborn.

He gives me a flat look and takes a sip of his coffee, “There is an entire scientific field of study known as meteorology. You may have heard of it.”

“Hm, sounds made up.”

I grin down at him and very deliberately do not react as Tsuna starts to back up toward his bed with the collar of his shirt pulled up to cover his neck from sight. Poor Bro-Bro. Even with my fabulous pep talk he still looks positively mortified at the though of someone pointing out all the hickeys.

“I assure you it isn’t,” Reborn says with thinly veiled amusement as he tracks Tsuna’s not so strategic retreat out of the corner of his eye.

“I don’t know, Sunshine. The bones have never been wrong before.”

I take a seat on the edge of my bed and Reborn follows close behind me. He doesn’t even spill a single drop of the coffee when he hops up a foot and a half. He settles in next to me. A press against my arm and a brief flash of warmth leaves me feeling giddy.

I watch as he takes another quick sip.

“You didn’t bring me any?” I ask as I tap a finger on the side of the mug.

“You’re perfectly capable of getting your own coffee, brat,” He replies and I would say he sounds dismissive if it not for that look he’s giving me.

Tease.

“After all the times I’ve gotten you coffee.”

“Hm?”

I pout at him as he takes another little sip.

“Can I have a sip?”

“There’s a fresh pot in the kitchen.”

“And you have nice big cup here~”

And I have the start of a truly terrible plan forming in my head. And judging by the waves of stress that are just pouring off Tsuna right now he has realized that I am up to something.

Sorry, Tsu. This is going to be super weird for you but just consider it payback for all the times you and Kyoko went to second base while I was sitting five feet away.

“Brat-“

“Pretty please,” I flutter my eyelashes at him and pointedly ignore Tsuna as he sinks further into his protective cocoon of blankets. “It is my birthday after all.”

Reborn lets out a sigh and somewhat hands over the mug. One of my less eccentrically designed ones, but still one of mine. I takes it happily, fully aware that I might be pushing my luck by doing this, but, well, I’m feeling a little off today anyway. And all that thinking of kisses has left me with a peculiar impulse that I cannot ignore.

We all know how awesome my impulse control is on the best of days.

“- Expressways one, three, and six have been shut down by order of the city council, all hail and long may they reign, and checkpoints have been set up at strategic points to catch any sneaky citizens who think they can escape what’s coming to them-“

I very deliberately hold eye contact with Reborn as I turn the mug in my hands and slowly bring my lips exactly to the point where his had been a moment before.

Indirect smoochies~

If nothing else this might give me an indication if Reborn would ever be into future direct smoochies. Though the thought of him falling for my obvious ploy is somewhat laughable-

...

Oh...

Boy...

I swallow hard as I find myself stared down by intense beads of golden light set in void like eyes. And suddenly my vision is filled with static and I feel that gnawing sensation on my brainstem.

I cling to the feeling and bite back a grin as static-man looms next to me.

Tell me not to poke at something.

Just watch me pull it all down.

Between one heartbeat and the next the static silhouette vanishes and Reborn is Reborn, but he is still staring at me with something akin to desperation.

“Thank you, Sunshine~” I tell him as I hand back the now mostly empty mug.

He takes it with a somewhat spazmic and uncharacteristic twitch of his fingers. There is a hiccup in his melody that is playing something dark, dangerous and...

This might have been a little cruel of me. But I can’t bring myself to apologize.

I just keep staring down at him with a challenging smirk on my face. All the while, Tsuna is putting out a frantic, ‘ignore me!’ Out into the universe as he attempts to burrow into his bedding like a mole.

Reborn holds my gaze steadily and then slowly, carefully, mimics every motion.

“You are a terrible brat,” He mutters too low for Tsuna to hear but not quite quiet enough for my ears.

“We have to have our fun somehow don’t we, Sunshine,” I whisper back.

This is the fucking worst~

There is absolutely nothing sexy about the body he is stuck in. And even lying about that would make me feel like the grossest person in existence. Even so-

Either I break this curse or I’m going kill myself with the fucking coffee based innuendo.

Reborn gives me the brightest most terrifying smile that I have ever seen in my entire life. And I have lived two very strange and terrifying lives. He hops down from my bed with the mug still in hand and strolls to the door with a particularly smug looking swagger.

“Maman made breakfast,” He informs us, “You shouldn’t keep her waiting too much longer. And Tsunayoshi-“

“Yes’sir?” Comes Tsuna’s muffled squeak from somewhere in the bedding.

“While I wont tell you how to conduct your personal business. I will make the suggestion that you put on something to cover up the evidence. You might frighten the boys if you go downstairs with your neck looking so ... colourful.”

“Yes’sir!” Tsuna repeats sounding even more shrill.

“Bene,” Reborn says.

I stick out my tongue, “That’s no fun.”

Because apparently I’m just god-tier shit disturber today. Don’t mind me I’m just slowly losing what is left of my mind in a miasma of nightmarish visions and teenage hormones.

“You would think that wouldn’t you?” Reborn mutters as he disappears down the hall.

“Huh?”

There’s nothing else but the sound of his nearly imperceptible footsteps on the ground and the siren like noise that Tsuna is making.

“You are the WORST!” Tsuna bursts out of the bedding and hurls a pillow at my head.

“I know,” I say, taking the blow.

“The absolute worst!”

“Yup.”

“And mean!”

“Oh please, I wasn’t doing anything to pick on you.”

“Not to me.”

Tsuna gets out of bed and quickly moves across the room to shut the door before turning back to me with bizarrely stern expression on his face.

“To Reborn.”

“I was n-“

“Yes, you were,” He says, “It’s unfair to tease him about that kind of stuff when he’s stuck like that. I mean he’s still a guy and even someone as dumb as I am can tell how much he likes you.”

Blue screen.

I can’t do anything but stare at Tsuna’s back as he rummages around in the closet before emerging with a turtleneck to wear.

“And I’m pretty sure that this will make all the training and homework stuff even crazier. I mean, he’s still going to be pissed at me for all the times that I called him a baby to his face.”

Error

Error

Error

“Inari? You’re turning blue.”

I let out the breath of air that I hadn’t realized that I was holding.

“Tsuna, when!? How!?”

“Huh?”

I take my brother by his arms and shake him a little manically.

“When did you realize that Reborn’s-“

“The other day!” He yelps, “You said something about ‘bigger on the inside’ and I don’t know why but something about that made everything else click in my head. I mean, you both have said things enough that I feel really stupid for not getting it before.”

“It’s not your fault,” I find myself saying vacantly as I continue to stare up at him, “That’s how the curse works I think.”

“Curse?”

“Curse,” I affirm, because what the fuck else am I going to say.

“Do you know how to fix it?”

“Nope, but I am motivated to find out.”

* * *

* * *

I have no idea how much of what me and Tsuna talked about shows on our faces when we meander into the kitchen for the awe inspiring birthday breakfast that Mama has made for us. All the stress that I feel starts to melt away as we dig into the feast of bacon, eggs, pancakes, fruit salad and fresh tea and coffee.

Mama catches us both in a big hug when we come into the kitchen.

“Happy birthday boys.”

“Thanks mom!”

“Thanks mama!”

We settle in around the table, but not before Tsuna calls Hayato to invite him over for breakfast. It’s important that we keep our magical mafia brother well fed and cared for.

He’s still a little like an anxious cat sometimes, particularly when it comes to food or displays of affection. He’s been steadily getting better about things, but, well, we’re all works in progress when you get down to it.

I’m just happy that we’ve gotten to the point where he doesn’t turn green at the sight of offered food. I don’t know if Bianchi had intended to give her little brother an eating disorder or not, but regardless of intention she had succeeded in that.

Takeshi, the sweetheart that he is, has been not subtly guiding Hayato through that minefield of triggers. He’ll cheerfully do ‘taste-tests’ under the guise of stealing food and then laugh as Hayato bitches at him. I don’t think any of us have missed how grateful Hayato looks when he does it though.

I know that on the days when he isn’t following me an Tsuna home from school. Takeshi will drag him over to the restaurant for dinner and sleepovers and the general craziness that comes from being a Namimori native.

I’m pretty sure what I’ve been observing are the courting behaviours of the wild Takeshi. Which are fascinating to say the least. I am very well versed in Takeshi-speak, the leading authority next to Yamamoto-san. It’s a language that is about twenty percent verbal and eighty percent action.

Which is why he’s been feeding him and bringing him shit to blow up with his new and improved explosives.

Not that I’m going to call him out on it. This kind of thing is really personal and I’m sure Takeshi will tell me when he’s good and ready.

Chances are that will be the second after he convinces Hayato to go out with him. Competitive asshole will call me to brag about his pretty boyfriend.

And I will admit, Hayato is very pretty.

And then I will lament the fact that every one in my friend circle will be ‘getting some.’ Just as long as they don’t all start making special orders like Hana does I’ll live.

... Oh god, I’m going to have to go buy condoms for all these assholes aren’t I?

It’s fine, it’s fine. Just so long as the Cave Troll doesn’t decide to start stepping out with someone. I think my brain will quite literally melt out of my ears if I have to think of Hibari Kyoya having anything resembling a sex drive.

Actually, I’m going to stop thinking about all of this now.

Teenage hormones aside, this train of thought is gradually edging me close to something that feels like a panic attack.

That’s just fucking unfair.

“Fratello is making weird faces,” Lambo announces to the table at large with all the digression that a five year old can muster. Meaning none at all.

“Was I?” I ask dryly, “Don’t worry about it, kiddo. I was just thinking about stupid things.”

“What kind of things?” Futa asks curiously joining our littlest brother in this impromptu stare down.

This is the worst~

“Just boring adult stuff,” I sigh and hope to hell that will be enough to satisfy them. Because knowing my luck if this line of questioning proceeds it will absolutely be revealed to all that my mind has been in the fucking gutter all day. And I am not going open the lid of Pandora’s box on this one.

Hayato snorts when he hears the word ‘adult’ come out of my mouth.

“I’m pretty sure that’s a lie.”

“I’m thirty-eight,” I mutter automatically.

That’s right, isn’t it? I’m turning thirty-eight right?

I was thirty-seven-

No one ever believes that-

I didn’t wake up that day-

“Fifteen,” Tsuna corrects me.

Oh.... Right... Sawada...

Fun this is going to be such a pain in the ass.

“Right, fifteen,” I agree, “What did I say?”

“Thirty-eight.”

The note that I get from Reborn is so terribly off kilter. So terribly dark. That I can’t bring myself to look at him.

“You were thirty-eight.”

So I slap on the fakest smile onto my face and shovel half a pancake into my stupid mouth.

“Weird number to pull out of the fucking ether, huh?” I deflect, “Sorry bout that. You all know that I have no perception of time.”

The action around the table resumes with Lambo throwing slices of pineapple at Tsuna and Hayato and then ducking under the table when the latter snaps at him. Mama starts doing the dishes. And Futa briefly disrupts the laws of gravity to rank the most romantic flowers when Tsuna wonders aloud what kind would be best to give Kyoko for their five month anniversary.

The brief disruption of gravity also gives Hayato a peek at Tsuna’s neck and he proceeds to freak out once Lambo drags Futa out of the room to watch the new episode of ‘The Adventures of Sir Moonclaw.’

“Who the hell would dare lay their dirty hands on Tsuna-sama!? Tell me who did this to you boss! I’ll kick his fucking ass!!”

“HIEE!”

Tsuna flays and stutters and stammers and is completely unable to formulate anything resembling a coherent excuse.

Mama’s shoulders are shaking with barely suppressed laughter as she listens in with her back turned. I swear I hear her say, “exactly the same~”

“Hayato, calm down! It’s not what you think!”

“Wha-“

“I went on a date with Kyoko-chan yesterday and, um, uh...”

I’m kind of worried that Tsuna might burst a blood vessel with all the blushing he’s been doing today.

“What does that have to do with-“ Thankfully, Hayato is a smart guy who can catch a hint fairly easily, “Oh... way to go, Tsuna-sama.”

Now they are both blushing awkwardly.

“Thanks,” Tsuna groans with his face buried in his hands.

“I told you so,” I snicker, adding my two cents into this chaotic encounter.

Mom actually bursts out laughing at this point and Tsuna just keeps blushing with the biggest smile on his face.

And I smile and watch as Reborn takes hold of my hand under the table and starts rubbing gentle slow circles on the back as he threads golden light into me.

There is no earthly way he could have understood my terrible admission. He doesn’t have the context. I haven’t told him.

He couldn’t possibly understand why thirty-eight was important or relevant in the least.

It’s just my mind playing tricks on me.

* * *

* * *

I hadn’t quite made it to thirty-eight.

* * *

* * *

Renato had been the one who taught me to use a gun. How to load the bullets, how to aim, how to pull the trigger.

He had wanted me to be able to protect myself if push came to shove.

“You can’t always count on your tricks to save you, Mio Caro.”

He was right of course.

It was a skill that had come in handy on several occasions.

...

My very first agent was a woman by the name of Delilah Hawthorne.

She preferred Lal.

She was a woman who had lived a life dictated by violence. She dealt with violence, dealt out violence.

She was a very good agent, and, in time, a very good friend.

...

Lal liked having a way out.

An escape route for when things inevitably went to shit.

She liked to have a plan for every possible scenario, including the worst case scenario.

And as Control is was my duty to oblige this desire.

I liked making plans.

I still like making them.

...

We called it the Omega Protocol.

Our self-destruct sequence.

...

Our secret from all of the people that loved us.

...

Renato taught me all about living.

...

Lal showed me the way out.

...

Bang

...

Bang

...

Bang

* * *

* * *

Should I have realized how morose this day would make me?

...

I suppose it makes a depressing sort of sense.

* * *

* * *

The party starts kicking off around noon. Dino drops by with Romario and Paula briefly to give us some well wishes. He also gifted Tsuna with a whip. Just like his, which is sweet when you look at it a certain way. But with the mood I’ve been in today I can’t help it when the word that comes out of my mouth is;

“Kinky.”

“HIEE!”

“INARI!”

They both blush and squiggle around which is fucking adorable.

“I’m kidding, I’m kidding.”

I’m not but they don’t really need to know about that.

“Do I get a present too?” I ask.

I don’t actually expect him to have gotten me anything, which is why when he pulls up a rolled up piece of paper with the wax seal of the Cavallone pressed into I’m a little surprised.

“What’s this,” I ask curiously as Reborn appears on my shoulder to get a closer look.

“It’s actually for both of you, but I thought I would be best to give it to you. After all, it’s what you wrote that helped save my Family.”

Unable to contain my curiosity I carefully break open the seal on the paper. There is a flash of brilliant orange flame. A little more yellow and ethereal than Tsuna’s or mine and most definitely Dino.

“I, Dino Cavallone, do solemnly pledge my life and my service to Tsunayoshi Sawada and Inari Sawada. Should the need ever arise, should danger ever find you, just say the word and all of Cavallone will be at your sides -“

I can’t stop the tears from welling up in my eyes as I read. I can’t even finish reading it and I don’t know if it’s the words or the intense feeling of family and love that is coming from the ever-burning flame affixed to the top of the page, but I’m am just struck by this overwhelming feeling.

“Doll-Face, what-“ I sniffle, “What does this mean.”

Tsuna presses close to my side and I can see that he’s just as sniffly as I am as he looks up at Dino wide eyed.

“It means that for as long as I live neither of you will ever be without an ally. No matter what.”

“Dino-niisan,” Tsuna wibbles and then the two of them are hugging it out.

It’s very sweet.

“Dino, you really have grown into a good man,” Reborn doesn’t say it loud enough for his former student to hear. But I hear it. I’ll hold onto it for him. One day I’ll let him know how proud Reborn is of him.

* * *

* * *

Takeshi and Haru arrive just as Dino and the others are heading out. So I catch them right at the front gate. Reborn had decided that this was just as good of a time as any to run Tsuna through some drills with his new ranged weapon.

Tsuna gave me the flattest look and I swear I heard, “I told you so,”ringing in my head as I went to show out our company.

He still complains to much about working out.

“Was there always a tower in your backyard?” Haru asks as she and Takeshi stare up at the recently erected fantasy tower that has taken over part of our back yard.

“No, Recent edition.”

“Did the kid make it?” Takeshi asks.

“You mean Reborn? Yeah, this was all him.”

“HAHI, Reborn-chan made all that?”

I give Haru a wry look. She hasn’t had the opportunity to experience the true chaotic divinity that is Reborn yet, not beyond a couple study sessions at least.

“He’s a man of many talents.”

Thankfully, neither of them decide to question me on that. Which is good because I’m hanging on by threads today.

Something of that must actually show on my face because in a few short motions Takeshi has set down the heavy looking bags that he’s been carrying by the front door and proceeds to hoist me up off my feet and proceeds to cuddle me in a rush of ringing bells and tranquil blue.

The warring pieces of my brain quickly work out the minor panic attack that I experience as he grabs me.

Takeshi, my brain reminds me, Your best friend. Safe.

Yup, thanks brain, I think to myself as I try to get my heart rate under control.

The softness of his flames does a lot to help that along.

“Happy birthday, Inari,” Takeshi says against my ear.

“Is this momentary height advantage my birthday present?” I sass, “If it is I greatly approve. Please prepare yourself to carry me around for the rest of the day.”

Takeshi laughs and it sounds like the ringing of bells, “If thats what you want I’ll do it.”

“Um, Inari-san?” Haru asks and I am abruptly reminded that she is standing less than a foot away.

And she is blushing as she looks at us.

Oh, girl, your head is just as much in the gutter as mine is, isn’t it?

“Yeah?”

“Where are Tsuna-san and Hayato?”

“They’re in the back playing on the obstacle course. You can head in now if you want. We’re going to have to get this stuff inside.”

“Alright,” Haru says and starts heading around the house to the backyard before pausing, backtracking, and handing me a package wrapped in brown parchment with the Moonflower Threads logo stamped onto it.

“Happy birthday, Inari-san. I wasn’t exactly sure what you would like so I asked Kyo and he said something like this. I hope you like it.”

I have to reach down to take the parcel out of her hands. And I’m much to busy marvelling at the novelty of being tall to catch what she said until she is rounding the house.

“Takeshi, did she say Kyo?”

“She did,” Takeshi confirms.

“And she said he right? So she didn’t mean Kyoko.”

“No, I don’t think she meant Sasagawa.”

I take in a long breath and Takeshi decides that this is the moment that he is going to start laughing uproariously.

“Asshole! Don’t laugh this is serious! Please tell me that Haru didn’t go asking the Cave Troll of all people what to get me for my birthday! He should be the last person to consult for shit like this.”

“Do you know any other people that could be called Kyo?”

Absolutely none.

“And why would she be calling him KYO!? This feels like a crime against nature!”

Takeshi just starts laughing even harder which is not helpful at all.

Jerk, doesn’t he realize what a travesty this is?

“Takeshi~” I whine.

“Hibari likes cute things, right? Maybe that’s why he’s been hanging around with Haru. She’s really cute.”

“YOUR MAKING IT WORSE!”

I get a cuddly squeeze for my outburst, which I will accept as recompense for the crime which should never be spoken of again.

“Why don’t you just open the present.”

“I don’t wanna now~”

“It’s from Susumu-jichan’s shop. So it can’t be anything terrible,” he continues being all reasonable.

Point taken though. I don’t think Susumu-jichan could make something bad if he tried.

Takeshi is still refusing to put me down so it takes a little bit of maneuvering to get the parcel open.

“... I love it.”

“What is it?” Takeshi asks and tries to spin around to see. He only succeeds in making us both dizzy though considering that I’m holding up this masterpiece of craftsmanship behind his back.

It’s sparkly.

It’s glittery.

It’s cotton candy pink.

And there is absolutely no practical occasion to wear it.

“That ass still remembers the magic girl thing doesn’t he?”

Takeshi’s curiosity finally wins out over his desire for cuddles and he puts me down so that I can don this cloak of magnificence. I can’t help but admire the detail in the shimmering designs that have been embroidered into the fabric with a silver thread.

They look like feathers.

“There’s eyes on the hood.”

“That is so fucking cool.”

I take a few more moments to appreciate the beautiful work of art that I’m wearing before childlike glee wins out against whatever sense of propriety that I might have and I strike the most Sailor Moon pose possible.

“Seriously, how magical girl to I look right now?”

“Completely,” Takeshi laughs, “It goes really well with your gloves.”

“It does, doesn’t it?”

We spend a little longer admiring the sparkles before Takeshi rememberers that there’s food in the bags.

“Dad made some stuff for lunch. He’ll be buy later tonight after closing. But he gave me a bunch of sushi to for lunch.”

“Yay~”

We carry the absurdly heavy bags into the house and fit everything neatly into the fridge. Mom is out back with the kids playing damsel in distress while Tsuna dangles form the end of the whip.

“I’m going to head out, you coming,” Takeshi asks.

“I’ll be out in a minute,” I say vacantly and wave him off. “The cloak is really warm so I might put on a lighter shirt.”

“Kay. “

The moment Takeshi is out of eyeshot I reopen the fridge and grab one of the Sake bottles and bolt up the stairs.

I’m not going to drink it.

I’m not.

I’m just going to hold on to it.

Just in case.

I’m not going to drink it.

I’m...

* * *

* * *

I get changed.

Twice.

I brush my teeth and rinse with mouthwash until I’m sure that no one would be able to tell.

I smile at my reflection in the mirror.

He giggles and sways a little bit.

It’s fine.

I’m fine.

This is great.

I feel great.

I move and the world spins a little.

Not too bad.

The stairs are fun.

I spin on the end of the banister and catch Lambo under his arms as he runs past with a pot on his head.

“Hey buddy~ Where ya off to in such’a hurry?”

Dictions off, need to fix it. Uni will be able to tell.

“Me’n Futa are playing knights.”

“Very cool, and your quest?”

Better.

“Dunno, fighting some monsters?”

“A noble endeavour young knight.”

My vision blurs a little bit. But that’s alright. Everything is so nice a floaty right now.

“I’m going to be doing a story adventure with Tsuna and everyone. So if you two hear them call for help you can come and save the day. Tsuna is just a beginner after all.”

“Of course! Lambo-sama is brave and strong and will protect Dame-Tsuna from the monsters. Stupid-Haya is to stupid to do it right.”

I laugh and it sounds a little hysterical even to my ears.

“Fratello? Are you okay?”

“I’m fine, Uni, you worry too much~”

“Who’s Uni?”

I...

Smile at Lambo.

And set him back down on his feet and crouch down in front of him.

I hold a finger to my lips.

“I told you a secret, kiddo. It’s for later, much later. But your my Padawan so I’ll tell you. She’s the princess that needs to be rescued.”

“Secret?”

“Yup, just between us. Not even Reborn knows.”

“Really!?”

“Really, now pinky promise to keep the secret-secret?”

“Promise!”

I hoist him up again and dance around in a circle to cover my loss of equilibrium. We find Futa in the kitchen in the midst of selecting a ‘helmet’ of his own.

We get him a good one and then the three of us head out into the yard where my family is laughing and running around like goofballs.

And I shove down that fucking twist of guilt I feel when Reborn catches sight of me in my sparkly get up with my brave little knight escorts and smiles in a soft way that hurts a little bit to look at.

Because it’s easier to see when I’m like this.

The shadow.

“Alright everyone,” I announce to the yard with a theatrical swish of my cloak, “are you ready to embark on an adventure?”

We set up the tatami mats on the grass and everyone gathers around, and then I start to tell a story.

“Tsuna, you are lost,” I begin, turning to Tsuna with a wry smile.

“Already? But I haven’t done anything yet!”

“Don’t worry. This is just the context part you’ll have your chance to get un-lost. Any way, Tsuna, you were sent on a mission for your order eight days ago. You were going to collect a relic from the neighbouring temple in the town over. You decided to take a shortcut through the Greenmire Woods. It’s a route you know well, you’ve taken it many times in the past but something is wrong. The road has vanished. The trees are so dense you can’t even see where the sun is in the sky. What do you want to do?”

“Cry?”

“... Alright then, Tsuna, brave halfling monk, you have gotten so lost in this god forsaken forest that you start to weep. Loudly.”

“Wait, really!?” Tsuna demands as there’s chuckles around the circle.

“You’re the one who said it, anyway, I want everyone else to roll a perception check.”

The lot of them roll absurdly high, and Reborn rolls a natural twenty out of the gate.

I knew he would.

“You have all be stuck in this forest for eight godforsaken days and not one of you has seen another person in all that time. But now you can hear the sound of someone crying not to far away. What do you do?”

* * *

* * *

For the next seven hours I weave a story about an enchanted forest, the machinations of a dark fey, and a group of travellers that were brought together by the sound of a crying monk.

By the end of the session;

Takeshi has acquired an evil sword.

Hayato has hit every member of the party with friendly fire at least once.

Kyoko has sworn vengeance against all Dryads.

Hana terrified everyone by showing up late and then selling Haru a magic rope for a piece of her soul.

Reborn has absolutely convinced every member of the party that he is in fact some elder forest god... I’m not sure if they believe the same in real life to. He is absurdly good with the dramatics.

And Tsuna never stoped smiling once all game long.

It was fun.

It was a lot of fun.

But by the end my head has started to buzz again, and I’m filled with too much and not enough.

But it’s fine.

It’s fine.

I’m fine.

It was just a stumble. 

* * *

* * *

Hibari Zhi is not a patient woman.

It is not, nor has it ever been, a virtue that she possesses.

She takes in a long drag of her cigarette and leans back against the hood of her car. The wind is starting to pick up and she can hear the trees up on the mountain cracking and howling.

She exhales a smoke and embers and spins the cigarette between her fingers. At least she can smoke in peace while she’s out here. 

But the fact remains, he’s late.

Again.

She is fairly certain that her brother just does it to irritate her. Just because he can sit in place and stare at a tree for days at a time doesn’t mean that everyone has to.

Zhi is a busy woman. She has a job to do, a family to care for, a wayward son that has started poking into things that are none of his business.

“Zhi.”

“Your late, Fon,” She tells him without missing a beat, “Again”

“I had some trouble with loosing a tail.”

Zhi looks down at him. He looks the same as he has for the past twenty years. Small and stubby, like a doll. Not that, that has ever been able to fool her. She knows her brother.

She would know him no matter what.

“Have you started getting sloppy in your old age?”

He smiles, that same pleasant and unaffected smile that he always does.

“Perhaps a little complacent.”

She takes another long drag of her cigarette before flicking it to the ground and crushing it beneath her heel.

“I think that’s enough pleasantries, don’t you? You wouldn’t have come out to Namimori for nothing, Fon. What do you need?”

The smile falls from his face and that creepy little monkey that’s always clinging to him stares at her with it’s beady red eyes. She doesn’t know what that thing is, but she hates it.

“I seem to have misplaced my student.”

“‘Misplaced?’”

“Perhaps stolen would be a better word for it.”

Zhi would like to know when Namimori of all places became such a hotspot of international crime.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Behold the disaster in all his glory. He’s a depressed mess who desperately wants a kiss. But at least Tsuna knows what’s up with Reborn’s situation now, sort of? 
> 
> I swear one day I will write out their entire D&D adventure (it just wasn’t working right now 😶)
> 
> And, look, a wild Fon has been spotted!
> 
> This chapter was a little bit of a roller coaster of fluff and angst which probably has something to do with all the anxiety attacks I’ve been having lately 🙃. 
> 
> I hope you’re all doing well and staying safe in the world.
> 
> As always I love hearing from you all! So let me know Questions? Comments? Theories? 
> 
> See you next week!  
> ❤️💕


	37. Drink, Drank, Drunk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If you want to stop me you’ll have to crawl out of the grave and do it yourself, Sunshine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning : Alcoholism

The thing is I never tried to hide the drinking. The only people who ever really took issue with it were Renato and Uni. And once Ren was gone there wasn’t anything stopping me anymore. I tried to keep it to a minimum around Uni. I didn’t always succeed, but attempts were made.

The point was never to hide it though.

By that point, I was trying to cause a scene.

I was trying to…

Grief makes you think about strange things. Do strange things. Nothing makes sense anymore. Logic gets thrown out the window and the world turns upside-down.

There are stages of grief.

I would jump between denial and bargaining.

How could I possibly accept any of what happened?

How could I have ever moved on when I could still hear them all so clearly?

The more I drank the more they would talk to me. I would watch shadows made of static and hold them in place. I would drink and I would forget that they were all gone. That I had let them die.

I should have stopped her.

I could have stopped her.

I never believed for a second that she would go through with such a stupid, inane plan.

Of course, she did.

Juno was nothing if not arrogant.

* * *

* * *

I drink.

I drink and drink and drink.

I drink until I can see Renato staring at me looking heartbroken and frustrated and demanding that I stop.

“ **You can’t keep doing this, Mio Caro. You’re going to hurt yourself.** ”

I pause with the bottle to my lips and bear my teeth.

“You better come stop me then, Sunshine~”

He didn’t though.

He couldn’t.

He was dead and buried and decomposing under the earth. He went on ahead into whatever dream comes after and left me here. Left me there.

Renato hated it when I drank like this. We didn't fight often, but when I got like this it always drove him crazy. We developed a system over the years though. For when Control needed to be out of control for a while.

I need him.

And the insane part of me that was growing louder and louder thought that if I pissed him off enough he would come back to me.

He would yell at me, snap at me, beg and plead with me to stop, but he wouldn’t come back. And so I drank to the excess of excess.

Because if that what it takes to hear his voice then I’ll do it. I had a higher tolerance than most people anyway. It’s not like it would have killed me. I wasn’t human, not entirely at least.

“Come on. You want to stop me right?”

It seemed like such a reasonable demand.

“ **I can’t**.”

In a drunken haze, it was easy to forget that the voices weren’t actually people anymore. Easier to pretend that I could still hear them when they stopped.

Eventually, they all stopped.

Even my subconscious got sick of my bullshit.

But by that point, the drinking was something else.

Drink, drink, drunk.

Drink, drink, drink, drunk.

If I stopped, I would shake. I would get irritable. I wasn’t functional without it.

So I made sure I would never be without it.

Ever.

I miss being able to bend space.

It made everything so much more convenient when I could fit a brewery into a flask.

* * *

* * *

By the time I met Michael I was so sure that I had reached the pinnacle of shit. There was no possible way for things to get any worse. The world was ending. The Heroes were all dead. What could possibly make things worse?

* * *

* * *

I’ve been trying not to think about it.

* * *

* * *

There are fourteen bottles of sake in the refrigerator.

I smile as I help Takeshi pull them out of the bags and put them away. They’re for Mom’s orchestra party later this week. Yamamoto-san was nice enough to order the good stuff in for her and Takeshi was nice enough to play delivery boyso she and Nori-san don’t have to go out of their way with the car.

It really is good stuff. The Wisteria label gives that much away.

Me and Takeshi chat absently about the world series and I don’t let my hands linger on any of the bottles.

I try not to think about it.

“I’ll be out in a minute.”

I’ve been trying to think about anything but it.

I rush upstairs with the bottle in my hand and it feels like an answer. I look like an escape. And if I don’t drink it I think I might die.

There’s no reason for any of that.

Or, there shouldn’t be.

But I could never stop myself from picking at scabs and opening wounds. This one feels like it’s been festering for decades.

I try not to think about Timoteo.

I try not to think about my Archive.

I try not to think about Michael’s hands on me.

I try not to think about gravestones.

I try not to think about Uni.

I try not to think about how the only person who would have found me is my daughter.

I try not to think about what that would have done to her.

I take a drink.

“… Ren?”

I close my eyes and listen to the sounds of laughter outside the window.

“Are you there?”

It tastes like dust in my mouth and it only takes three swigs for me to start feeling buzzed. Which is unusual. I have better tolerance than that for sure.

Renato doesn’t say a word.

Of course, he doesn’t. He's dead after all.

He’s a ghost in my head, and perhaps not even that much anymore. A lifetime has passed after all.

The party and the fantasy escapism take out some of the sting of that revelation. The soft look on Reborn’s face while he stares me down takes care of the rest.

I love him.

But there’s something in my head that’s starting to unravel much too quickly.

I want to understand.

But I’m terrified.

I’m not fine.

Nothing about this situation is okay.

I’m a liar and a fraud.

But being around Tsuna and Reborn and everyone… It helps me forget that.

It’s almost enough to make me forget about the mostly full bottle of sake hiding under my bed. Almost, but not quite.

The party ends.

Our guest depart.

Tsuna and Kyoko spend an absurdly long time kissing at the front gate. To the point where we go straight through awkwardness and out the other side. She leaves him looking dumbstruck and squishy and I can’t help but give my future sister-in-law a fist bump because that was amazing.

And also maddening.

I’m a romantic at heart.

And I want things that I can’t have.

* * *

* * *

“Here,” I tell Tsuna and toss him the small glitter wrapped box so it lands next to him on his bed.

“What’s this?”

It is pure hell keeping the manic smile off of my face.

“Extra present, since you’re growing up so fast~”

Tsuna gives me a suspicious look and carefully starts to unwrap it.

“What’s that supposed to mean-“

He freezes and his eye twitches.

I beam at him with unholy glee.

“Hieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee~”

The sound that comes out of Tsuna’s mouth just keeps dragging out longer and longer. Reborn eventually is drawn back into our room by the sound.

“Dame-Tsuna?”

“WHY THE HELL DO YOU EVEN HAVE THESE, IDIOT!!!?”

I don’t actually know which is funnier. The look on Tsuna’s face when I hurled the box of condoms back at me or the look on Reborn’s face when he realizes what Tsuna threw.

Either way, the laughter bubbles out of me uncontrollably and I just can’t stop it.

“Don’t ask questions you don’t want to know the answers to, Bro-Bro~” I toss the box back at him, “Besides, you’re the one who is quickly rounding the bases with your girlfriend. And it’s always good to be prepared~”

“Inariiiiiii.”

* * *

* * *

I ignore the bottle.

**Take it.**

I ignore the bottle.

**Take it.**

I ignore the bottle.

‘ ** _You really are pathetic aren’t you, Professor_?**’

* * *

* * *

I drink every last fucking drop.

And I don’t feel the least bit guilty about that.

* * *

* * *

I leave it sitting empty under my bed. I don’t try to hide it. It blends in with the rest of the crap I keep under there. D&D books, dice, a baseball bat, a box of glitter, and random fucking shit that I’ve collected over the years. There’s also the loose floorboard that I use to hide my… contraband? Personal fucking shit that is nobody’s business.

And a bottle with a wisteria label.

I don’t know if anyone noticed me drinking it.

I don’t really care.

Come on. Stop me. I fucking dare you.

Maybe I have to force it a little bit more at school.

Maybe my laughter is a little shriller even to my own ears.

Maybe I cling a little more.

Maybe I forget to duck when Kyoya takes a swing at my head.

* * *

* * *

“You reek, Beast.”

“… Just fucking hit me, asshole.”

* * *

* * *

And maybe I start to crack a little more every time I open the fridge and see those thirteen bottles little there nice and pretty. Mocking me with their promise of oblivion.

* * *

* * *

Just one more.

* * *

* * *

The wind is howling too loudly. The tree keeps scratching against the window in irritating patterns. Tsuna is snoring and trying to eat his pillow. Reborn is a sleeping sentinel. He cracks open an eye when I step out of bed.

“Just going to get a drink.”

“Hm.”

There is no reason for him to expect anything other than water. I’ve never done this before. And even if he knows somethings wrong I don’t know if he realizes what that is.

But for a long moment, I just stand there and desperately try to tell him.

Please stop me. 

But I don’t say anything at all.

* * *

* * *

Just one more.

* * *

* * *

Just one more and Fon will walk me though meditation exercises while I chatter at him incessantly. He’ll win out, he always does.

* * *

* * *

Just one more and Aria will roll her eyes at me while I try to explain why Pokemon is fucking awesome and not just for kids, thank you very much.

* * *

* * *

Just one more and Sam is dragging me around to outlandish karaoke bars and forcing me to ride that deathtrap with him.

* * *

* * *

Just one more and Lal joins me at my surveillance station and starts bitching about her adorable idiot apprentice. Of course Cornelius is listening in and loving every minute of it.

* * *

* * *

Just one more and me and Mads are trying to out bluff each other at the poker table.

* * *

* * *

Just one more and Vergil will tell me how to fix this. There has to be a way to fix this.

* * *

* * *

Just one more and Renato is pulling the bottle out of my hand with that attractively haughty expression on his beautiful face.

I kiss him all over and call him gorgeous until he’s turning red.

We dance in the living room as Frank Sinatra sings on from the record player.

We start a ridiculous game of tag and drag all our friends in to the chaos when work stress gets to be too much for all of us.

We dress up for each other and he puts on those fucking garter stockings that drive me crazy and I let him do whatever he wants because damn~

I strut around in nothing but his shirts in the morning. I steal his hat during the afternoon. And sometimes in the evening if things have been difficult I’ll find Ren lounging in one of my oversized sweaters.

We’ll play take out roulette when neither of us feels like cooking.

He’ll sing along with Uni to those Disney soundtracks when we go on family outings.

We spend twenty years talking to each other and never running out of things to say.

* * *

* * *

I have no impulse control.

Once I start I don’t know how to stop.

One bottle turns into two.

The buzzing starts in my ears.

Two turns into four.

It moves to my hands and feet.

I can’t feel my body by the time I finish five.

Buzzing, buzzing, buzzing.

I don’t know why I’m doing this.

Static.

I want to see my daughter.

Underneath my skin.

I finish six and my throat is on fire and my stomach is cramping up so bad that I feel like I’m dying.

What am I made of?

The kitchen is spinning and I think I drink seven because seven seems fair.

Everything’s buzzing.

I don’t know when I start throwing up.

* * *

* * *

**Darling?**

* * *

* * *

“Brat? What are you-“

Ow.

Reborn?

Ren?

It hurts...

“INARI!”

* * *

* * *

**Can**

**You**

**Hear**

**Me?**

* * *

* * *

"Am I bees now?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A shorter chapter this week ~ 
> 
> Unfortunately, the cork was popped, the genie escaped the bottle and Inari has no impulse control. 
> 
> Also, on a more personal note, last week was ... hard ... for a variety of reasons and I had to scramble a bit. 
> 
> And as much as I want to get back into the high octane hijinks there is no way that disaster boy was going to be able to ignore temptation. He’s had too much stress dropped on him in such a short span of time. 
> 
> But on the plus side now Reborn knows that there is a big problem here (other than Inari’s EVERYTHING) ... and now he will have to deal with wasted (and most likely somewhat alcohol poisoned) Inari. 
> 
> I hope you’re all doing well out there in the world ❤️💕
> 
> And as always I love hearing from you all! So let me know Questions? Comments? Theories? 
> 
> Until next week friends 🥰


	38. Spinning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Drunk me is smarter than sober me... or at least more existentially aware.

The world spins with a thunder clap. My knees hit the floor with a crack and I’m puking my guts out. It’s no different than before. Different room though. Brighter room. Too bright. Painfully bright.

I throw up again. Into the toilet this time and not onto the floor.

My stomach is cramping so badly.

Tears are running out of my eyes as I heave again and more foulness comes pouring out of me.

And the buzzing is just getting worse. I’m clinging to the porcelain for dear life but I don’t understand how because my hand is made of bees and is trying to fly away. I must be all bees now. Buzzing and stinging.

“‘M I bees now?” I ask. Again?

It’s imperative that I know this. I don’t know how to be bees. Is there a dance I should learn? Is there a hive where my brain used to be?

Is that why everything is buzzing and it’s so hard to think.

My stomach cramps and lurches and I vomit again. It burns my throat on the way up and I sob.

“No, you are not bees, Mio Caro,” Sunshine says, as he pulls my hair out of my face. Small hands tie it back. It’s gotten too long. Too long and I think I have puke in my hair and that’s gross and awful.

“We’ll worry about that later, Brat,” He says, rubbing my back as I throw up yet again.

It’s nice that Reborn reads minds. It really streamlines things.

“So does your running monologue,” He says. Angry? Amused? Panicked?

“‘M talk’n?”

“I wish you would more often.”

That doesn’t sound right. I’m pretty sure most would prefer that I shut up more often. I want to shut up right now. The sound of my own voice is getting grating in the echo of the bathroom.

I don’t know if I manage to voice this or not because my stomach cramps up worse than it has and the room is spinning and I spend what feels like hours wretching my guts up.

I think I hear Mama and Reborn exchanging rushed words before she leaves. I don’t know why she’s leaving I need her here. I feel so sick and I want Mama here.

She wont stay though. She never does.

Not for me.

I want Grandpa.

Grandpa stayed. Even when he hated me he stayed. Even when I hated him.

Reborn stops touching me and I while as I listen to him leave the room.

Don’t leave me. Don’t leave me. Please don’t leave me. I don’t want to be alone.

Tsuna is next to me suddenly crouched down next to me rubbing my back as I continue to turn my self inside out. I blubber and he hushes me gently.

“Just get it out,” He says, “You’ll feel better after.”

That sounds like a lie. Throwing up like this can’t possibly make me feel better. It feels worse. Reborn should use his magic powers and fix me. He always fixes me no matter what. And it feels so good when he pours his fire into me. Like sex only nothing at all like sex. It’s beautiful, but don’t tell him that because it might make it weird.

“It absolutely makes it weird. I wish you didn’t tell me that. I really didn’t need to know any of that,” Tsuna complains melodramatically.

Which seems unfair. He gets to kiss his girlfriend.

“... I don’t actually want to ask, but... Do you mean Reborn is your boyfriend now? Is this a thing that is actually happening?”

I shoot Tsuna an incredulous side eye.

That’s not right.

That’s not right.

“We’re MARRIED,” I inform him emphatically.

“You can’t just skip to marriage,” Tsuna stresses, “You have to give me a chance to get used to the idea of being related to him.

Did he forget? Or, wait, did he ever know? He wasn’t at the wedding, “F’r, like, fif’ten years~”

“...You’re really out of it, aren’t you?”

I want to snark at him. I think I’m being made fun of right now. But the thought is swallowed by the swarm as another wave of nausea hits and I am once again paying tribute to the Elder God of the Namimori sewage system.

And it just doesn’t stop.

“Should I stay home today?” Tsuna asks.

“Go to school, Dame-Tsuna, you’ve skipped enough as it is.”

“B-but-“

“I’ll let you know if anything changes.”

“... Fine... Take care of him please.”

“Don’t be stupid, Dame-Tsuna.”

I finally stop throwing up. But teetering in the painful nauseous purgatory isn’t any better. The cramping in my insides is so bad.

Tsuna drops a quick kiss on the top of my head. Which seems gross considering I have puke in my hair. Or, I think I do. It’s tied up now so maybe it doesn’t count?

“Reborn’s going to look after you, okay?” He says more gently than I’ve ever heard him speak before and I make a terribly embarrassing keening noise as he moves toward the door.

“If you need me I’ll know,” The trumpet pledges and that helps. Tsuna will know if the bees turn against me with their stingers.

I only have another second to breathe before I’m heaving again. I gasp and gag and vomit. Again and again and again.

I hate this.

It hurts.

It hurts. I hurts and Reborn isn’t fixing it.

“Fix me ple’s?” I plead with him pathetically.

“Shamal is on his way.”

“Bu’ you’ve got magic~”

“And I wont be using it,” He says, and it feels like a gut punch.

Or that’s just my insides melting.

Betrayal. This is a betrayal of the highest order.

“Why?” I whine, “I feel bad.”

“Because I’m not going to make this easy for you. I’m not going to enable you. I’m not going to heal you unless you start choking on vomit or you go into renal failure.”

I let out a wordless formless whine. I don’t understand, but I also sort of do. Because I fucked up and there is such a pure note of fear radiating off him despite the calm and collected demeanour.

“Bu’ it hurts.”

“I assume that’s what happens when one consumes SEVEN. Litres. Of. Sake.”

“Thas’alot~”

“It is isn’t it,” he scowls, “enough to do seriously hurt yourself.”

“Hurts,” I agree, and throw up for for what feels like the hundred millionth time. “Can you magic now?”

“No,” He says and tugs playfully on the ponytail.

Still yuck. And also beeeeeees~

“Waaah, Meanie~” 

“Is this your impression of the cow? If so I’m not impressed.”

He tugs again and it makes me tingle in an entirely more pleasant way. I miss his hands. Ren always had such nice hands. He’ll have them again, because I’ll fix it. Not just for the tingly sexy bits, but because I know he misses his body for the personal agency bits.

More important.

He tugs again.

“Sadist,” I grin and desperately try not to throw up again, “Ye’r enjoying this.”

“I don’t particularly enjoy seeing you like this, brat.”

“But y’not denying the sadism~” I tease.

Buzz, buzz, buzz.

Static-man buzzes. My head buzzes. The fluorescent light buzzes.

The bees are buzzing.

“Hmm.”

He lets go and the room spins violently again and, yup, I’m throwing up again.

How much did I drink?

Why was this a good idea again?

How did I used to do this? I don’t remember ever feeling this bad before.

“So you’ve done this before.”

“Y’know that,” I rasp.

“Do I?”

There’s something furious and frantic in the notes of the music. An edge of curiosity and attentiveness. I don’t understand. My brain is bees.

“You’re still on the bees?”

“Buzzz~” I agree and take this moment to slink to the cold tile floor. Horizontal feels much better.

Sunshine chuckles and it’s strange and multi-tonal. And a cool cloth is being pressed to the back of my neck. It’s not exactly what I want but it’s better than nothing. I have to remember to be irritated with him after this. He’s been taking advantage of my weak points without me knowing.

“Are you buzzing at me now?”

“I’m bees,” I tell him, resting my forehead against the tiles.

“You’re ridiculous is what you are,” Sunshine informs me as he continues swabbing the cool washcloth across the back of my neck, across my shoulders, into my hair. “Where did this fixation with bees come from?”

“Bumbles are cute’n fuzzy.”

“If you manage to retain any of this remind me to introduce you to the hives.”

It takes a minute for my brain to catch on. I blink and stare absently at the polished white tiles on the wall...

“You got bees?”

“Back in Italy. One of my less questionable side businesses.”

“What’bout wazzzbs?” I demand, something nagging at the edges of my memory. “Weezps, waz’ps.”

My mouth isn’t working right.

“I assume you’re trying to say ‘wasps?’”

I try to nod, but my head bobbles and my stomach starts cramping again. Not as badly as it was before, but it’s still painful.

“Yes, I keep wasps as well. They’re far less amiable and for ... other purposes.”

“Assassins~”

“Something like that.”

What was it Lambo had said?

Oh yeah...

“Make sure no one interrupts our honeymoon, right?” I purr, “Or would it be second honeymoon now? Third?”

I need to get this down I wouldn’t be a very good husband if I couldn’t remember how many honeymoons we’ve been on. Though I’m not sure if that time in Las Vegas counts what with the degradation of reality and the feasting horror.

Ren is quiet. Ren is so quiet. No music, no words, just the absurdly faint sound of ragged breathing.

“Ren? You okay?”

He’s mad at me, isn’t he? He’s mad at me and now he’s giving me the silent treatment.

“M’sorry, Ren.”

“Inari... what’s my name?” He asks.

I frown at him, “Did’ya forget? Is this like the Prague thing? Don’t be like the Prague thing.”

The Prague thing was irritating.

He lets out a harsh sigh and tugs insistently on my hair, which still feels gross by the way.

“What. Is. My. Name?”

“Renato!” I yelp, “You’re being mean.”

The hold on my hair gentles and the soft pets resume.

“You are instantly forgiven,” I inform him magnanimously. I finally manage to make the bees cooperate enough to reach out to him frame his face with my hands. He’s small like this. But it’s him. It’s so obvious like this. My fingers twirl his curly sideburns and I smile at him.

My Sunshine.

I can SEE him so clearly like this.

And then, abruptly, I can’t see anything at all because a fedora is being slammed down over my eyes. And the head pets tragically stop.

“Terrible brat,” He snaps, his voice thick and lisping on a high note.

“S’dark. I can’t see you like this,” I tell him. I try to grab the fedora off my face but hand eye coordination is even worse without the eyes.

Where are my hands?

“I would have preferred you never see me like this.”

“Why? That’s not fair!”

Not being able to see Ren sounds like a terrible punishment. He’s lovely no matter what.

“... You better remember this, brat. If you play dumb with me I’ll introduce you to the wasps.”

My eyes drift shut. The dark provided by his hat is so nice. The blaring lights are no longer trying to burrow through my eyes.

“Mmmm, love you Renato~” I profess as I drift down into a calm pool of dark.

* * *

* * *

“Christ, it’s never a dull moment with this one is is. You’d think he’d take a day off from the drama every once in awhile.”

“Shamal, how long have you been lurking.”

“Not long. I’m surprised you didn’t hear the Bovino kid when we came in. Nana pawned him and the Ranking Prince off on me. Said she had shit to do.”

A thunk.

A sigh.

“They’re fine. Entertaining themselves like creepy kids do. Speaking of which do you know how directly related the little one is to Concetta?”

“Shamal.”

“Yeah, yeah, I’m on it.”

Shuffling.

A plonk.

“Do me a favour and make sure he doesn’t move out of recovery position. I’d rather not have to deal with him choking on vomit on top of everything else.”

“...”

A light flashes in my eye.

Left.

Right.

Or is it the reverse?

“Slow. But not as bad as I thought it would be when you told me how much he drank.”

Hands gently take my arm and a cuff is slid over and then wraps tightly around my bicep.

“So.... Renato?”

“Don’t.”

“Been awhile since I’ve heard that name. I wasn’t sure before, but-“

The cuff starts to inflate.

A drone of air.

A crushing pressure.

“You’ve really started to unravel now haven’t you?”

“Mind your own business or I’ll make sure something unpleasant befalls you.”

The pressure releases.

An unhappy click of a tongue.

“144/110, that is way to high,” Shamal mutters, “It kind of is my business. Since it’s my construct that has been supporting your mental architecture for over a decade.”

“It’s fine.”

“You say that now. And I’m not going to say that I’m not happy that you found him. This whole thing is kind of fucking with my head and I don’t even know a fraction of it do I?”

Sunshine makes a noise of pained frustration. I hate it. I try to reach for him, but everything is really shutting down now. I’m sinking deeper and deeper into a comfortable warmth.

“... And sweet as that was, little boy blue isn’t your doctor. I am.”

A heavy sigh.

Something pricks into my arm.

“Later.”

“Of course fucking later. I can only handle one crisis at a time.”

A beep.

“I will shoot you if you keep speaking to me with such disrespect.”

“...Sure.”

“What’s wrong?”

“0.41 percent... What the fuck is this kid made of?”

“Shamal!?”

“Blood toxicity levels are way too high.”

“And?”

“And nothing. We’re just going to have to monitor him. Keep his fluids up. If he can’t keep down water on his own I can set up an IV, but I don’t think that’s necessary... Make sure he doesn’t fall into a coma.”

“Is that a danger?”

“Since he was able to carry on a semi-coherent conversation with you until a moment ago I’m going to say no. But keep an eye on him just incase. If he was anything near normal he’d probably be dead right now.”

“...”

“Oh, and one more thing.”

“What?”

“I’m just wondering which of you is the cradle robber in this situation -ARG!”

Three shots ring out.

* * *

* * *

I learned an extremely important life lesson today, and that lesson is; just because I experience intense alcohol cravings. Just because thirty-seven year old me had decent tolerance for alcohol in no way means that my punny fifteen year old body can handle it.

It can’t.

At all.

“I regret everything,” I groan as I blink my way back to consciousness in time to catch the opening bars of ‘Under the Sea’ and a singing cartoon crab dancing across the television screen.

“Oh, good, you’re awake,” Shamal drawls and proceeds to shove a water bottle into my face, “Drink this.”

I take it gratefully and twist off the cap.

“Drink it slowly, I don’t want to see you reenacting the Exorcist again.”

Ugh.

My mouth tastes god awful. I can only imagine-

“Please tell me it wasn’t that bad,” I beg as I take little sips.

Shamal shrugs, “Not quite projectile vomiting, but you probably have a pretty good idea.”

I remember getting up close and personal with the inside of the toilet bowl, which is gross.

“Where’s Reborn?” I ask, casting a curious look around the room. I feel weirdly disappointed that he isn’t here at my bedside, but there is a very good chance that he needed a break from my drunken ramblings.

Something about bees?

There’s something that Reborn had told me to remember...

Was it the bees?

Sadism...

... Did I make an embarrassing noise when he was tugging on my hair? I’m pretty sure I remember that happening. And if it is that I plead the fucking fifth...

No. It wasn’t that.

‘Mio Caro.’

“Little Decimo called him screaming about the terrifying kid with the biting kink.”

“Gross.”

“Like you haven’t thought the same thing,” Shamal counters with an eye roll.

True but I’m hardly going to tell him that.

Also, fucking Cave Troll better not hurt Tsuna.

“Anyway, ‘Reborn’ asked me to play babysitter until your Mom gets back.”

“Where did she go?”

“Shopping at Lucky Taro’s!” The kiddos chorus without turning their eyes away from the Little Mermaid.

“Alright then,” I slump, feeling a little dejected. Probably the hangover talking. The headache on its own is god awful.

“My head is killing me,” I mutter to Shamal, “Any chance you have any painkillers?”

“You wish.”

“I do wish. I wish with all my fucking heart. So hand them over.”

There is no way in hell that Mr. Underworld Doctor doesn’t have painkillers on him. That seems like the number one thing a guy in his profession would have. Though knowing Shamal they’re probably delivered by mosquito and not capsule.

I hold out my hand to him and make a ‘hand it over’ motion.

“You’re not getting anything until your blood toxicity drops at least below 0.10.”

“Huh?”

“And incase you don’t know what that means I’ll break it down for you. When I got here you were at 0.41 %. Meaning your blood was almost more booze than blood. If you were a normal kid you would probably be in a coma right now. I saw the bottles you were drinking too. How a tiny thing like you managed to polish off seven litres of twenty proof is beyond me.”

There’s an unpleasant twist of guilt and irritation that rushes over me.

‘I know what I can handle,’ I want to say. But I don’t because it’s a filthy fucking lie. I’m a disaster who doesn’t know when to stop. That’s a proven fact.

I hadn’t intended to drink that much.

It hadn’t felt good to drink that much.

And given the opportunity I’m not sure if I would be able to as I am right now.

Why...

I divert my attention back to the television.

Ariel swims across the screen and Futa tells Lambo about lost wrecks at the bottom on the Atlantic Ocean. Which starts to transition to the true horrors of the ocean depths. Futa can be so adorably unsettling when he gets going with those stats of his.

I can still feel Shamal’s eyes boring into my head.

“A mixture of stupidity and depression?”

“Never do it again,” He orders flatly. And he sounds so bizarrely stern that I can’t help but peek over at him.

He looks tired and strangely comfortable sitting here in what looks like his pyjamas his hair done up in a messy bun and his face unshaven.

“...Sure.”

“Don’t ‘sure’ me kid. You don’t do this again. It’s terrible for your health and will only make you feel worse in the long run.”

I turn back to the movie. Back to my kiddos...

Fuck... they didn’t see me like that did they?

“I’m not going to be an asshole and tell you that the shit that’s eating at you doesn’t matter. Because it does. But you can’t let it rule you. And bottling it up wont work for someone like you.”

“What’s that supposed to me,” I grumble feeling tired and defeated.

“It means your a chatter box,” He says pointedly, “And this ‘not talking about it’ thing that you’ve been doing obviously isn’t working for you.”

“I don’t need therapy,” I snap.

“You sure? It seems to do that tall friend of yours a world of good. Or do you think less of him for seeing a therapist.”

“Of course not!” I would never think less of Takeshi. He’s so fucking strong and awesome and my best friend. That fact that he has stuck with Yukimura-sensei this long and has made so much progress.

I’m so fucking proud of him.

But I’m not...

“What would I even say?”

“In my experience? Whatever you fucking want.”

I groan.

“I don’t want to.”

“Why not?”

“I have no fucking clue. You’re not wrong about the talking thing. I know you’re not. I probably should. I probably should go for that CAT scan too. But I don’t want to...”

“What? Feel better?”

Shamal is giving me this very calm patient look and it takes me a moment to catch on. Ass. He’s lucky I like him now.

“Are you even qualified to be a therapist?” I ask him with a huff.

“About as qualified as I am to do anything else that I do.”

“Comforting... I’ll think about it.”

“Better than nothing. Now shut up an watch the movie, kid.”

“What a kind and understanding doctor,” I snark.

“Shush, you’re going to make me miss ‘Kiss the Girl.”

An excited little Ukulele riff plays and I snicker. He’s a dope too, isn’t he?

* * *

* * *

Shamal sticks around long enough to watch the kids while I shower up. I feel much more alert and alive after that. Don’t get me wrong, my head is still pounding and my memory of this morning is spotty at best (not that’s any different than normal), but I do feel better.

He takes off as soon as Mom gets back though. Apparently, he and Miki-chan have sexy day off plans that I really didn’t need to hear about (and yet heard all about for reasons that completely baffle me). I really don’t know what he was implying when he started to regale me about the wonders of having a patient and understanding partner willing to help him work through past sexual traumas while I walked him out the door.

No idea at all...

Am I supposed to reciprocate?

Is this a therapy thing?

Or is this Shamal telling me to go get laid?

...

Stupid fucking fifteen year old libido.

When I walk back into the house I’m feeling twitchy and jittery and Mom and I get caught in the most awkward stare down. She doesn’t look particularly angry or upset with me. She just stares, and I can’t bring myself to say anything. I just wait for her to yell or say that she’s disappointed in me or something.

That she doesn’t acknowledge anything at all feels a little like a backhanded smack across the face. She just heads into the kitchen and starts putting away the groceries like nothings wrong.

Like I hadn’t massively fucked up last night.

Like I didn’t give myself alcohol poisoning.

Like I’m not, once again, skipping school.

Not that I particularly want her to get angry with me.

Mom has a tendency to get a little smite-y when she gets pissed off and I’m not sure if my nerves are strong enough to handle it right now. But, you know, any reaction other than vacant indifference would be nice.

So, whatever, it’s fine.

Mom has her own shit going on right now. I know something has been grabbing her attention in an otherworldly ‘maintaining the balance’ kind of way.

If she doesn’t particularly care about one of my many fuckups that’s great. Awesome. Super. I am an adult after all, and I’m in no way desperate for my parent’s approval.

“Honey, can you help me put away the groceries?” She asks suddenly and I rush into the kitchen.

“Sure, Mama.”

When I open the fridge the remaining sake bottles are gone.

It takes me a moment to power through the senseless dread that hits me. The thoughts of; ‘where the fuck did they go?!’ ‘Where the fuck did they go?! I need them!’

And then I remember and I slam the fridge door shut.

No, no I don’t need them. I really need for there never to be alcohol in this house again. Or at least not for a very long time because I already know I will buckle under temptation.

I’m a weak, sad, desperate man when it comes to this and I will crack so fucking easily if given the slightest chance.

The fact that I feel wretched and hungover and still fucking want more is just so fucking pathetic.

I carefully put away the produce, the coffee cream, the eggs. Maybe I can make some apple tarts. That sounds tasty. Or some coffee cakes with chocolate and caramel-

There’s a bottle of grape juice that looks like wine and I freeze with it in my hands. 

I... need to get out of the house I think.

I look over at Mom and she isn’t paying the slightest bit of attention to me. She is also staring off into the middle distance in a worryingly familiar way.

“Mom?”

“Hm?” She makes a sound of vague acknowledgement as she carefully files away the non-perishables into the cupboards.

“I’m going to go for a walk.”

“That’s nice.”

Vacant. Disinterested.

I narrow my eyes at her.

Futa and Lambo slow down as they run past the kitchen and give Mama a wary look. A wary look that looks very familiar.

Tsuna used to have that look on his face when I came back from Grandpa’s sometimes.

Shit.

When Lambo was complaining about Mama not paying attention to him I didn’t think he meant THIS.

“I’m going to take the kids with me,” I say plainly, hoping for some sort of reaction beyond vague disinterest.

“That’s nice.”

I move around the table so I can get a better look at her face. And, alright, we have Mama!Autopilot.

Fuck.

I slowly circle the table and she is definitely tracking me out of the corner of her eye but ninety percent of her attention is on whatever it is that drags her away sometimes.

Fuck, fuck, fuck.

I make sure she can see me as I reach out to her slowly. Carefully. Like Grandpa used to do.

“I love you,” I tell her.

Mom blinks at me. It takes a moment, but the vagueness does abate a little bit. She smiles and it’s more Mama and less Jupiter.

“I love you too, Sweetheart,” I get a kiss on top of my head, “Have fun with the boys. I’ll tell Dad you say ‘hi.’”

And with that she starts humming absently and walks out of the kitchen. I just watch her go with a faint thread of anxiety pulling in my chest. She vanishes into her studio before I can ask what she meant by ‘Dad.’

Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in.

I’m too hungover to deal with this crap.

“Yo, Kiddo’s, we’re going out!”

* * *

* * *

It’s something of an ordeal getting the kids ready to go out.

Futa is compliant enough, but we have to cycle through a few hat options before he finds one he wants to wear. During which time Lambo decides he’s going to sneak half his armoury into his pockets.

I don’t know why the Bovino insist on sending him all of these extremely dangerous weaponized and weapon filled care packages. But I really wish they would stop. Lambo isn’t old enough for the Scouts yet and thus does not have his ‘concealed weaponry patch’ which would give him licence to wander the streets with stuff on him.

And I’m not entirely certain that he’s trained to use Uzi’s, handguns, hand grenades, explosive bubblegum, serried jumprope, slime based trap mines... Actually, I’m kind of jealous of these care packages.

I let him choose two extremely dangerous weapons to bring with us. He of course goes with the hand grenades.

“Alright, do you both have your citizen identification cards?” I ask for our final inventory check.

“Yes,” they chorus.

“What’s today’s secret password?”

“Albatross.”

“Good. And what do we do if we notice strange individuals in black suits skulking around?”

“Forget. Because it never happened,” They chant together.

Lambo makes a face, “Unless it’s Reborn. He said if Lambo-sama denies his existence again he’ll send all the candy into SPACE.”

“Unless it’s Reborn,” I agree with him. I don’t really want to touch on the sending all the candy in town in to space bit. Mostly because I’m pretty sure he can actually afford to do that.

“We’re are we going, Inari-nii?” Futa asks as we leave the house.

The wind hits almost immediately. It gusts hard enough that I have to grab on to the fence to keep from getting blown off balance. Hinata Shoichi wasn’t lying when he said that the winds were going to hit hard.

It sure wakes me up though.

There’s brightly coloured leaves blowing every which way. It’s all rather lovely to behold.

A guitar riff plays. Matching my own beat perfectly. It hits me straight in the chest and takes a bite out of the intensity of my self loathing.

What?

I come to an abrupt stop and whirl around looking for the source.

Nothing.

There’s no one here other than the three of us.

“Inari-nii?” Futa prods.

“What? Sorry I got lost for a second there.”

“Um, I was wondering where we’re going?”

“I thought we could swing by the school to see what been keeping Reborn busy all day. We might need to rescue Tsuna from a rampaging Cave Troll too,” I tell him as I start walking again, trying to scan the surrounding area for...

A friend?

“That’s Hibari-san, right?” Futa chirps, much to cheerfully considering the name he just uttered.

“Why would you think that?” I ask with a grimace.

“‘Cave Troll’ is in the ‘Top Ten Nicknames that Inari Gives to People He Likes’ Ranking,” My sweet boy says with such unmasked glee that it hurts my heart.

Fucking peeping aliens.

“Have you been doing my rankings without telling me?” I ask, and Futa has the grace to look a little sheepish about it, but only a little.

“Only a couple,” He says and gnaws a little on his lower lip, “Are you mad?”

“No,” I say, I’m not mad, I just feel a little existentially creeped on. “Do you rank me often?”

“Sometimes? ‘They’ like you because fifth dimensional probabilities are fun. At least that’s what they say.”

At least someone is having fun at the expense of the fucked up probability vortex.

“Futa can’t do Lambo-sama’s rankings,” Lambo whines, “Lambo-sama is too awesome.”

Lambo looks equal parts proud and perturbed by his own declaration. But he is easily distracted once we round the corner and come upon bright colours and swirling leaves. He starts scoping out a rather large pile of leaves on the Mori Family’s lawn. Mori-san always spends so much time carefully raking the fall leaves into perfectly circular piles. Never just one pile either. Always two dozen piles of leaves that are organized in a larger circle shape on his lawn.

Perfect for jumping in.

He really has no right to be upset with kids when he just leaves the fluffy piles of leaves just sitting there.

I raise an eyebrow at Futa in a silent question. I am a little bit curious about why the Andromeda aliens can’t get a read on my littlest brother.

“Lambo-chan is an unfixed point in time,” Futa explains, “It makes it hard to collect solid data points to extrapolate from.”

“Ah...” I blink, “Why Lambo?”

I guess I could be the work of the Purple Monstrosity, but that doesn’t seem entirely right.

Futa shifts around a little nervously. He prods the leaves with his toes, and we watch as Lambo burros from pile to pile.

“I asked because Lambo-chan was upset and the Ranking Planet answered...”

Gravity gives way abruptly and Lambo drifts up in a chaotic autumnal rainbow howling with laughter. He loves Futa’s rankings fort this. The bit where he gets to fly.

“ **Interference from Saturn makes ranking impossible at this time.** ”

It isn’t Japanese that comes out of his mouth. It’s not English, or Italian, or any language that I’ve ever heard before. But I can understand it perfectly.

I’ll freak out about the alien linguistics later.

“Saturn?!” My voice comes out high pitched and strangled. This really isn’t the best day to be painfully hungover, “Saturn the planet or-“

It’s not impossible.

If Pluto is here-

If Jupiter is here-

If I...if Minerva is still somewhere in this world-

I catch a flash of red out of the corner of my eyes that doesn’t fit with the swirling leaves.

“Sorry Inari-nii,” Futa apologizes, as gravity returns to normal and leaves rain down onto Mori-san’s lawn with a grumbling Lambo, “The connection was lost.”

“It’s alright, kiddo,” I ruffle his hair before turning to meander through the rain of leaves to snatch Lambo out of the air.

“HEY!”

The three of us jump as Mori-san’s door slams open and the tall imposing man himself steps out of his house looking like a thunder cloud.

“WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU CRETINS DOING TO MY LEAVES!?”

“Time to go,” I squeak, throwing Lambo over my shoulder and picking up Futa under my arm.

Mori-san reaches into his house and the first broom zooms at us like a javelin. I quickly back peddle us across the street just in time to see the wooden broom slam into the pavement and crack it.

“Ya’ still have an awesome throwing arm Mori-san!” I call.

Two more brooms and a rake follow the first. Each of them crack through the pavement like two ton sledgehammers followed by a furious war cry about the disruption of perfect symmetry.

Nervous laughter bubbles out of my mouth as I backpedal even faster. Never a good idea to turn your back on Mori-san in a rage.

“Sorry for the mess man! My total bad! See you later~” I babble as I pivot hard and scurry down the nearest side street and out of sight.

A few more turns just to make sure we won’t be getting hit by any garden implements of mass destruction and-

“Safe~” I breathe a sigh of relief.

Well sort of safe. Safe has always been a matter of perspective, but there is definitely something comforting about the good old fashioned Namimori dangerous absurdities.

Lambo’s fingers are digging into my shoulder and he is giggling madly. Lambo lets out a shuttering breath of his own as he dangles under my arm. He doesn’t really give any indication of wanting me to put him down so I don’t.

“He was so angry,” he whispers.

“Namimori survival guide, rule 1338-A: Never mess with Mori-san’s lawn. And rule 1338-C: If you mess with Mori-san’s lawn never break eye contact until you break line of sight.”

“What about 1338-B?”

“I’ll tell you about 1338-B when we get to Subsection 7 of the Citizens Guide to Everything.”

“Inari-nii is sneaky with lessons.”

“Not as sneaky as, Reborn,” Lambo complains.

“Lessons are important. You never know when practical survival might come in handy,” I tell them as we continue weaving through the maze of side streets and alleyways.

I pivoted in the wrong direction to get to the school so we’re taking the scenic route. Which is fine. The cool air is doing wonders to clear my head and so is spending some quality time with the kiddos.

“Are you feeling better now, Inari-nii?”

“How do you mean?” I ask warily.

“You were puking EVERYWHERE this morning,” Lambo chortles in my ear, “It was super gross.”

... So they did see that... great~

Arn’t I such a good role model for these adorable eldritch kids.

“Don’t worry I’m fine. I just... ate something I shouldn’t have.”

Kind of skirting the issue, but I don’t think I need to confess all my sins to a five year old and a ten year old.

“You mean all that booze?” Lambo continues with childlike innocence.

Damn.

Fuck.

Shit.

“Uhhhhh, why would you say that?”

“Nonna throws parties all the time on the Farm. Lambo-sama’s cousins drink sooooooo much and are always going BLEHHHHH!” He explains with what probably is an extremely accurate sound effect.

It sounds accurate at least.

And it makes my stomach turn from the memory.

“Also Mama brought all the bottles with us when we went out this morning,” Futa adds.

“She smashed one in her hand after we went with Jerk Shamal.”

“Lambo-sama thought Fratello was DYING!”

“Please don’t die, Inari-nii,” Futa warbles as he squeezes my hand.

Alright...

I feel... Terrible.

I also feel like I’m being guilt tripped in a very calculated way.

This is Uni all over again.

Only I’m not going to fuck it up this time.

“Sorry.”

“Fratello made stupid Reborn really sad too,” Lambo continues hammering nails into my metaphorical coffin.

This morning is coming back in short bursts.

Reborn had been upset I know that much for sure. But there’s something more important that I’m supposed to remember.

It’s driving me crazy.

“I know.”

“You should apologize to Signore Reborn, Inari-nii.”

“You should, Reborn is no fun like this.”

“Alright I’ll apologize when I see him next.”

And hopefully by then I’ll remember whatever it is that I’ve apparently forgotten and he wont sic his wasps on me.

“You should call him now,” Futa tells me seriously as he comes to a stop.

“Yeah, Jerk Shamal forgot to call him when Fratello woke up.”

“He’s probably really worried about you right now.”

“Dame-Tsuna is probably really worried too, right?” Lambo asks pointedly.

“Right,” Futa agrees crossing his arms as he pouts up at me.

These two are a force.

A force of what I’m not sure yet, but there is definitely a force at work here. Guilt-tripping me.

“Alright, alright, alright, go easy on me. I’ll text Ren right now and apologize.”

I dig my phone out of my pocket.

Something inside my head snaps.

Sunshine’s contact is at the top of my list.

‘ **I’m alive, I’m okay, I’m sorry about this morning** ,’ I text him.

What did I...

‘ **Still love me?** ’ I follow up.

My hands are shaking.

Impossible.

It’s a trick.

It’s a lie.

It’s Pluto trying to manipulate me...

D̸O̵N̷’̶T̶ ̴I̴N̴T̷E̷R̴F̶E̴R̷E̸ ̶

My phone buzzes.

And I look at the message from what feels like a million miles away.

‘ **Of course, Mio Caro. You will have to make it up to me though**.’

My heart is pounding in my ears.

My fingers have gone numb.

‘ **Of course**.’

I type slowly. Clumsily.

I press send.

Coincidence. It has to be a coincidence.

Please don’t tell me I damned him twice.

“Inari-nii?”

‘ **Date night**?’ I follow up hysterically.

“Fratello, you’re turning blue again.”

I breathe.

‘ **Sounds interesting. I’ll let you surprise me, Brat**.’

Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out.

Don’t have another fucking nervous breakdown in front of impressionable kids, idiot.

I could test it.

‘ **Renato** ,’ I type out and stare at the name on the LED screen.

And then I delete it and shove the phone back into my pocket.

Later.

Not around the kiddos.

“Is he mad?” Lambo asks, “You you want Lambo-sama to blow him up?”

“Please don’t,” I smile and smooth his wild curls out of his face, “It’s alright.”

We’re nowhere near the school anymore. We might as well go get some hot chocolate and bug Doll-Face for an hour or so while I try to get over the revelation that drunk me is smarter than sober me.

And the awkward realization that I seem to have fallen in love with an alternate version of my husband who might actually be my husband who I’ve spent the last week comparing to my dead husband from an alternate universe.

Damn that’s a headache to think.

I need to do something stupid and mindless that will distract me from my deep and profound desire to burrow into the earth and never emerge again. Because either I’ve had a massive psychotic break, or I’m going to need to have a conversation with my dear grandfather very soon.

And remind him who out of the two of us holds dominion over war.

Because if he did what I think he did.

...

I’m so distracted by everything that I don’t realize that I’m on a collision course until I walk directly into an unmovable object.

“Beast,” Hibari Kyoya sneers down at me looking haughty and beautiful as ever, “You still reek.”

“Charming as ever,” I glower at him.

I feel one of his tonfa tapping on the side of my leg as Hibari stares down at me considering. I don’t flinch or look down, I just keep glowering at him. This is actually perfect.

I asked for something stupid and mindless and look at what the universe has given me.

“Repeated unsanctioned absences from school are grounds for suspension,” He says snidely, “Delinquency will not be tolerated in Namimori.”

“Says the king of delinquents,” I deadpan, “The hell are you here anyway? I thought you were busy reinforcing your dictatorial hold on Namimori Middle School today. Or did Tsu and the boys stop you?”

I probably shouldn’t so overtly antagonize him with the kids here, but I can’t help myself. Something about Kyoya has always brought out the violent little bitch in me.

“The baby is a rather vicious opponent,” He says, bearing his teeth, “I look forward to biting him another day.”

The corner of my twitches ever so slightly, “Oh? I take it that means he kicked your ass then?”

“Hardly,” The tonfa twirls in his hand and Hibari casts a look over his shoulder, “More important business has taken precedence.”

“Just sounds like you chickened out now,”

He turns his back on me fully which is somewhat irritating. The least he can do is give his sworn nemesis his full attention.

“Guard your young, Sawada Inari,” He orders taking a defensive stance, raising his tonfa in a wide guard.

My hackles are immediately up. Danger senses prickling.

I snap my fingers and Lambo and Futa are surrounded by a barrier of flame and glitter as a spray of bullets shatters the windows on the building across the street.

“We have a poacher in our midst.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Drunken revelations have a way of streamlining things. Now if only the Inari and Reborn could have a straightforward conversation this whole identity confusion might get cleared up~
> 
> Disaster boy still isn’t 100%, but he is trying very, very hard to stay out of the dark place. 
> 
> A poacher is afoot, a wild Hibari goes on the defensive, and a mysterious and familiar melody plays on the wind!
> 
> I hope you’re all doing well out there in the world ❤️💕  
> And as always I love hearing from you all! So let me know Questions? Comments? Theories? 
> 
> Until next week friends 🥰


	39. Chain Reactions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> To explain where these gun toting gangsters came from we’ll have to rewind for a moment and switch gears...

I stare at Kyoya’s back. 

I stare at the glass as it shatters against the pavement in strangely musical little tinkles. 

I stare at the heavily armed and completely unfamiliar looking group of heavily gangsters as they round the corner chasing what I can only describe as a flash of red. 

They catch sight of Kyoya and I and start pointing and shouting. 

And I. Just. Stare. 

Who the fuck has been summoning gangsters?!

Who’s fucking gangsters are these?!

Because they sure as fuck aren’t mine!

Stupid question considering my recent uninvited company and the rapid pace at which our shiny new assailants are approaching us. 

I kick Kyoya in the back of the knee out of sheer exasperation, irritation, and fucking bloody-mindedness. 

“What the fuck did you do?!”

The angry little side-eye over the shoulder is expected. I know Kyoya well enough at this point to have all his Cave Troll reactions memorized. 

However, I was in no way anticipating a little monkey to poke its head out from the collar of his shirt and give me a somewhat apologetic look. 

* * *

* * *

**My apologies, Darling.**

**Things got a little complicated.**

* * *

* * *

It’s been three days now and they are still no closer to finding Fon’s girl. 

Her brother is remaining remarkably calm under the circumstances. Zhi knows for a fact that if the tables were turned if it was one of her children that had been stolen, she wouldn’t be handling this nearly as well. If it was any of her children, grown as they are, Zhi would be in the process of razing the city to the ground and swearing bloody vengeance against those who dared cross her and her family. 

Of course, the clan would support her, though she has gotten the distinct feeling that the elders appreciate Fon’s calm and methodical approach to the search. 

But that was Fon. A steady pillar in the world even when he was the one being wronged. He has always been so irritatingly zen about things though. When they were children Zhi used to joke that he had been born a hundred. An old man in the body of a child. It would be even more true these days.

She has no idea why anyone would idealize eternal youth. The truth of it is so very tragic. 

The ashtray is filled with ash and cigarette butts. The only thing that is preventing Zhi’s darkened office from turning into a smoke box is a cracked window that filters in a frigid wind and filters out the cloud of nicotine that she has been cultivated over the past five hours. 

The room is dark, or it would be if not for the bank of monitors built into the wall displaying CCTV footage from across the city. She has kept a sharp eye on them for most of the night. Namimori is waking up now. Cars are on the roads, Citizens are walking to their jobs. 

Zhi casually flicks through the display feeds until she finds Kazunari. Her husband walking up the steps of City Hall where her father-in-law meets him. Flicks to the next feed where she can watch Kazuko setting up her bakery for the business day. She signs at her staff directing orders for the day. 

Extra orders of eclairs. An order for fifty-seven sandwiches and five dozen donuts for the hospital conference at twelve-thirty. 

Zhi is very proud of her. She smiles and watches for a moment. Even over surveillance footage, her oldest exerts an air of calm. 

Kazuko stops abruptly and turns to the window to face the camera and proceeds to wave. She gets it from her father and it’s a talent that Zhi wishes she could develop herself. 

Kazuko signals her intent to report and begins signing. 

‘Strange symbol spotted. Crossed Flowers. Crossed Arrows. Do not recognize.’

Zhi narrows her eyes and flops open her notebook and waits as Kazuko flips to a blank page in her sketchbook and quickly scribbles out the unfamiliar design. 

Zhi does her best to replicate it before her daughter rips out the page from the book and sets it aflame. 

Cheeky girl. 

‘Armed men. Dressed in white,’ Kazuko continues her expression unflinchingly stoic, ‘Please be careful, mother.’ 

Worrywart, just like her father. 

Zhi takes another drag on her cigarette and flicks to another feed and finds Keiko kicking in a warehouse door with her team of inspectors. Keiko is probably the only one of her children who can take such an overt approach to this investigation. As soon as Zhi had mentioned that their young cousin had been taken by someone within the city the headstrong girl had mapped out likely locations where someone could be held captive and has been systematically breaking down doors for surprise inspections. 

Taking out her cell phone she calls up Keiko and Kira’s contact information and sends them a snapshot of the image that Kazuko had spotted. 

‘Be on the lookout for POI’s with this symbol.’ 

It might not be related, but Zhi trusts her children’s instincts... for the most part. 

She flicks through a few more feeds and catches Kyoya storming down the street toward HIS school. She can see the aura of rage radiating off of her youngest. He feels left out of the investigation, but she really can’t risk him flying off the handle and endangering Fon’s girl with his reckless antics. 

Kyoya has decided that this is a grave insult. 

Tough. 

He’ll get over it. 

Zhi hits one more button and the entire bank of monitors fills with security footage of the Red Dragon. 

Technically, the hotel belongs to Fon one of his many business investments in the city. The hospital was probably his greatest contribution to their little community. Twenty-four years ago Fon had taken the deplorable state of Namimori General Hospital as a personal insult. That had been the most aggravated she could ever remember her brother being, granted she didn’t really remember much of that time considering she had been in labor for over thirty hours at that point. 

Fon had done so much for Namimori getting his ‘student’ back to him safely was the least that his family could do for him. 

And Zhi can’t shake the feeling that one of their ‘guests’ has something to do with this. 

Kira smiles brightly at the nearest camera from the concierge desk. Of all her children Kira is the most socially adept and personable and she has no idea where he got it from. Certainly not from her or Kazunari. Though he definitely inherited Zhi’s paranoia. 

A good thing considering their current clientele. 

The bloody mafia. 

She blames Sawada. Or she would if that woman didn’t scare the piss out of her. However, there really is no doubt in her mind that it is Nana and her children that had drawn international attention to Hibari territory. 

She had nearly had a heart attack months ago when she had spotted Fon’s ‘friend’ the legendary hitman hanging around Kyoya’s school with the younger Sawada boy. Since then dozens and dozens of foreign criminals and assassins have been flooding into her town. Like it’s some holy site of pilgrimage for the dredges of society. Thieves and killers and, if what happened last week is any indication, actual monsters. 

And Namimori is reaching out and dragging them all in. 

Zhi just wishes that Kira wasn’t caught up in the maelstrom of the latest congregation. 

The Red Dragon is currently playing host to mafiosos from Italy, France, Russia, England, Spain, China, and god knows where else. All of them pulled out of that ridiculous creature that Cassandra Della Rosa and the Estraeno’s mistake had dragged here. 

And there is no doubt in her mind that one of them has something to do with this kidnapping. 

She finishes the rest of the pack of cigarettes and busts open another as she reviews archived footage from the past two and a half days. This is quite possibly her least favourite thing to do. Part of her wants to say screw discretion, grab Kyoya out of class, and go bust in heads. At least that way she can make sure that he isn’t going to ignite an international gang war. 

The window creeks ever so slightly heralding Fon’s return. Zhi’s gaze flickers upward in greeting and she proceeds to tear the page with Kazuko’s symbol out of her notebook and flash it at him 

“This look familiar?” She asks taking a long drag and exhales a plume of smoke. 

Fon hops up onto her desk and takes the paper from her, examining it closely. 

“I do,” He says as he gently sets it down on her desk, “My persistent shadows were all sporting a symbol like this.” 

The monkey-thing lowers itself down from his shoulder to look more closely at it. It’s beady little eyes lit with red, it’s fingers stretching longer than they rightly should. Everything about it makes her hair stand on end. 

A profound feeling of wrongness. 

“Do you know who it belongs to?” Zhi demands, snatching the page away from the terrible little creature. 

“No,” Fon admits, “But it has been popping up across the continent over the last few months.”

She narrows her eyes at the picture. It tells her absolutely nothing. What will tell her something is one of these ‘mysterious shadows’ that she has heard so much about. Hopefully, once she has had a chance to knock some teeth out. 

Kicking back in her oversized office chair Zhi continues to puff unhappily on her cigarette as she reviews the monitors. A lineup out the door has formed at Kazuko’s bakery. Kimiko is busy throwing a gang of unruly Yakuza wannabes out of an abandoned building in the downtown core. Kazunari blows the camera in his office a sly kiss (Zhi pretends that her ears aren’t heating up).

And Kyoya is picking a fight with the future Vongola Decimo and the World’s Greatest Hitman...

She has to do something about that boy. 

She would rather not have the rest of the Italian Mafia and Vongola Alliance, fractured as it is, comes knocking on their door. 

When her cigarette is plucked out of her mouth my small dexterous fingers Zhi reflexively snaps her teeth at them. And then realizing what she has done, proceeds to glower at Fon. 

“You smoke too much, Zhi,” He says plainly as he snubs the smoldering end out into the overly full ashtray and dumps the entire mountain into the bin. 

“It helps me focus,” she murmurs and tries to light up again. 

Only to have the lighter, the pack, and the new smoke snatched away and tossed into the bin alongside the mountain of ash. 

“I prefer you having functional lungs,” He says with that irritatingly calm smile. 

Though if the barely restrained Storm Flames are anything to go by her brother's unshakable clam is well on its way to being shaken. Three days, if it was her she would be throwing things and screaming. 

“Fine,” Zhi grumbles. She really doesn’t want to aggravate him more. She’s not exactly sure how his body works these days, but he would be pushing fifty at this point and under more normal circumstances a heart attack wouldn’t be totally out of the question. 

She fishes out the packs that she has in her purse and tosses them into the upheld bin. 

“Thank you,” He says in that condescending big-brother voice. 

“You’re just like Kazunari,” Zhi huffs, “Though less dramatic than Kyoya.” 

“I would hope that your family cares about your health and well-being.”

It’s still so strange being told off by a man that’s less than a foot tall and bears a striking resemblance to a toddler. It’s been sixteen years and he remains unchanged like this, frozen in time, and she still isn’t used to it. 

Sixteen years and her children can’t comprehend their uncle's existence. Can only remember that he exists somewhere in the world. 

“Have you contacted your ‘friend’ yet,” She asks, changing the subject. Zhi really shouldn’t be the topic of interest right now. 

“I assume you are referring to Reborn?” Fon hums as he drops the bin back onto the floor and starts shuffling through the papers on her desk. He pauses briefly when he comes to the city map that Zhi has been using to mark off the areas that they have already investigated. 

They’ve covered so much ground already and it doesn’t feel like they are any closer to finding Fon’s girl. 

“No, the other cursed infamous criminal that has taken up residence in my city.”

Fon pauses in his search through her paperwork and gives her a considering look, “I hadn’t actually considered asking Verde for his assistance.”

“Don’t tell me about your criminal friends.”

While her own extracurricular activities aren’t exactly above board she would rather not associate with more criminals than she absolutely has to. It's bad enough that she is technically laundering her brother's money. Though it is going to good use making Namimori a beautiful and enviable city. 

“Reborn has been dealing with his own stresses lately. I don’t particularly want to add to his burden at the moment,” Fon says sadly, averting his eyes. 

He looks... bitter. Which is a strange look on him. 

And in Zhi’s humble opinion it is ridiculous. 

“Your daughter, yes daughter Fon I know these things, is missing. This is hardly the time to get precious with feelings,” She snaps. 

The look turns from bitter to terribly complicated. She isn’t used to seeing Fon so emotive it’s a strange and unpleasant experience. It makes her want to go take a bite out of whoever it is that has picked this ill-advised fight with her family. 

“I have no doubt that Reborn would do everything in his power to recover I-pin if I was to ask him. However... He recently faced a similar crisis and I was blithe in the face of his grief.”

Zhi blinks. 

Ego. It figures it would be something stupid like that. 

She has a few choice words for him on the subject, however, not a single one makes it out of her mouth because at that moment she spots Kira’s signal. 

“Suck it up and call him,” She orders, “Call whatever other criminal friends you have hiding out in this city too. I have a feeling that there is more going on here than just your girl getting snatched and it all stinks of the mafia.”

Switching the feeds to all the Red Dragon cameras only takes a second. The touch of a button and hallways, staircases, elevators, dining rooms, recreation areas, and, most importantly, the lobby are all on full display. 

Kira’s fingers flash the signs for ‘Danger’ and ‘Guns’ behind his back as he continues to smile and converse with a customer who has come to his desk. 

Tossing on her coat and grabbing her purse she kicks the chair out of her way as she makes a b-line toward the door. The chair lands on its side and starts dissolving on contact in a flash of red. 

“Where are you going?”

“The hotel,” Zhi snaps, “Kira has spotted someone armed and dangerous on the premises.”

As she storms out of the office Zhi catches the briefest flash of blonde hair and a one-armed woman storming down the hall from one of the executive suites. 

* * *

* * *

In Gaby’s humble opinion being in Namimori is a lot like the worst high school reunion ever. The gangs all here like they’ve passed through a bloody time warp. 

Dino’s still a klutz. 

Paula is still hot. 

Romario is still following his boss around like a badly trained dog. 

Andrew and Marco still follow her around like badly trained dogs of her own. 

Shamal is still a terrible flirt and pretending to be a licensed doctor. 

Cassie is still crazy. Only more so now (though it’s hard to make judgments when mind rape is involved). 

Apparently, Squalo is still loud and an unfortunate master of comedic timing. 

And the boss man is still an almighty chaos conductor and the absolute worst at making up aliases. 

Gaby herself is much the same. Though she has been downgraded in the sense that now she is recently down one arm. Her manual dexterity has been cut in half. The Boss-man is either ignoring her or pissed at her for fucking up so badly. And she can no longer even dress properly without grovelling for help. 

But other than that she’s great. 

And she would totally still beat Cassie for Homecoming Queen even without the arm. 

“Gaby, you can’t go out dressed like that,” Dino wails, as his eyes shift about and his face glows with embarrassment, “Reborn will KILL me.”

Gaby is a twenty-five-year-old woman and she really doesn’t think the Boss-man or Dino Cavallone can dictate her wardrobe. She does her best to convey this sentiment with a good stare down. 

“A-at least put on underwear please!” He pleads. 

“I’m wearing underwear,” She deadpans. 

She is also wearing tie-dye sweatpants that Shamal’s saint-like significant other had kindly donated to her. 

“I mean the-“ Dino doesn’t finish the sentence, instead he just starts making swooping hand motions around his chest. 

No, Gaby is not wearing a bra. She is sick of having Marco dress her like a child and after spending nearly an hour trying to close the clasp shut one-handed before she had given up and pulled on one of the oversized button-ups. 

Buttons, Gabby has decided, are a bullshit invention. 

So, yes, the shirt is hanging open rather precariously, but that’s hardly something to kick up a fuss about. 

Not that ‘Dame-Dino’ looks particularly upset about her indecorous state of dress. If the blush is anything to go on~

“You don’t think I look good like this?” Gaby purrs as she saunters closer to him and leans in close, “Really Cavallone you wound me~”

“Uh- Uh- Uh-“ He stammers.

Dino looks older now and the eyepatch certainly adds an air of mystery to him. He’s always been a looker but now he’s got that who mysterious aura going for him which is a whole new level of bullshit.

Whatever, he’s not nearly as sexy as Gabriella Sinclair.

Even if she only has one arm. 

“What do you say ‘Bucking Bronco’ wanna take me for a ride~”

She’s going for sexy and sultry, but apparently, it doesn’t land that way because Dino stops flailing and blushing and gives her this very worried look. 

“You’re still beautiful Gaby.”

Bloody Skies. 

Gaby pushes back from him and straightens up. 

“You’re no fun,” she sighs, “You don’t have to make everything so dramatic.”

“Gaby-“

“And I’m pretty sure I’ve warned you about the flame courting shit before.”

“Uh-“

“So I’m going to leave now.”

“Wait! Shirt! Reborn-“

“Dad has more important shit to worry about than my apparent dress code violation, Dame-Dino. But if you're so worried about it I absolve you of responsibility.”

“DA-!?”

“You are not this stupid Cavallone. It’s about time you took the blinders off don’t you think?”

She doesn’t stay to listen to the rest of his freak out and she makes sure to slam the door shut on her way out for good measure. Just that added bit of drama to make things a little better. 

It’s not that anyway. 

Gaby has never cared about what she looks like. She isn’t as vain as the Boss-man. No, what’s fucking with her now is how useless she feels. How the hell is she supposed to do her job like this? 

How is she supposed to leap across rooftops? Scale buildings? A quick change into her disguises? Load her gun? Hold binoculars? How is she supposed to be useful to the boss? How is she supposed to be a good Eye?

She can’t even dress properly now. 

Though she can still school all that challenge her awesomeness at Luigi Cart Racing one-handed. Unfortunately, that doesn’t really translate to real-life driving skills. Maybe she can convince Gin to partner up with her. Though she doubts she would ever be able to pry the other woman out of Dino’s service. 

She can dream. 

Anyway, the current state of affairs beats the heck out of being dead. It beats being mashed together with two dozen other people in a nightmarish flesh monster. 

It beats the hell out of a lot of the alternatives, but it’s still bugging her. 

Gaby’s a gangster born and raised. She knows very well how dangerous it is not being able to take care of her own shit. But that doesn’t stop her from wanting to call the Boss-man and blubber on him for a little bit. For old times sake. 

But now isn’t the time for that. The Boss-man isn’t in the right headspace to deal with her trauma and bullshit right now. Shamal warned her that the mind-bending ju-ju that he worked is wearing off. That he’s LETTING it wear off. Gaby knows better than anyone what that means.

It means that she has to be extra vigilant right now. She cant let all this dumb shit get to her. 

Especially when there are so many other suspicious Mafiosi hanging around Namimori. 

Especially when the Boss-man is all distracted and he needs her to watch his back. Keep an eye on things until they all return to baseline. Until he and Mister Inari work their shit out. 

Not her business. Quite honestly trying to think about it is making her feel like her brain is going to dribble out of her ears and all she can taste is purple which isn’t even a flavour. 

Gaby slips into the fire escape staircase and slides down the railing to the executive floor and kicks open the door just because she can. The fact that the door knocks Falco down onto his ugly mug is just a bonus. 

“What the fuck do you think you’re doing you fucking c-“

Gaby raises an eyebrow at him and he trails off. 

Focusing intently on her chest area. 

Well if nothing else she knows that her tits can make a grown man’s brain short circuit. 

So that’s something at least. 

Though it is somewhat awkward since he won’t stop staring at her now. 

“Well, well, well, Sinclair, I had no idea.”

“And you still don’t, creep,” she snarks and steps over him. 

Of course, he grabs her ankle, dick. She stumbles and swings her arm out to brace against the wall... only she doesn’t because the arm isn’t there anymore. Her heart jumps and she gets ready to smack face-first against the ground. 

“Oi, Idjit, watch where you’re goin’!” 

Hands roughly hoist Gaby up from under her arms and she sees a flash of dark red hair and the face of someone she really didn’t want to see. 

... speaking of suspicious gangsters. 

The Gesso are just about as suspicious as you can get. 

Gaby doesn’t know who he is beyond the fact that he works for the Gesso family. Which is saying something because Gaby has made it her business to know everything about everyone in the mafia. What she does know is that he’s one of the guys that was hanging around that kid that Nono was so freaked out about. 

That weird albino kid that must be single-handedly supporting every sweet shop in Verona. 

He had never really done anything to warrant the surveillance. At least not in front of Gaby and the boys. Not that that’s saying much considering he knew that they were watching him. 

Never did a thing to warrant such concern from Vongola no moves on their territory. No canoodling with traitors or rats. No gun-running. No drug running. Heck, if it wasn’t for the Gesso connection he could have passed for a civilian. 

...almost. 

Even now, looking back, Gaby can’t deny that there was something wrong about that kid. 

Something wrong about this fucker too. 

If only for the fact that he keeps staring at her whenever their paths happen to cross. Not the good kind of staring either. No, this was definitely a surveillance-appraisal kind of staring that she is more used to being on the other end of. 

He’s setting off all kinds of alarm bells and Gaby hasn’t lived this long by ignoring that kind of shit. 

And even after spending the better part of three months timesharing a human flesh mass with him, Gaby feels no closer to determining exactly what it is about him that is setting off those alarm bells. 

“Thanks for the catch,” She chirps and plasters a fake and very vapid smile on her face. She gives him a friendly pat on the shoulder with the hand that actually exists. He’s actually taller than her which is irritating. 

Oh well, at least she can still tower over Falco, who is quickly turning into a quivering mass on the ground as he stares at Gesso in what Gaby will label mortal terror. Apparently, she isn’t the only one who gets a weird vibe from this guy. 

“Go fuck yourself, Falco,” Are the only words of comfort that she bothers to offer him as she pushes past and jams her finger against the ‘call elevator’ button on the wall. 

Gesso snorts. 

“You heard the bitch, Idjit, scram.”

Falco, being a man with reasonable self-preservation instincts, takes this cue to scramble down the hallway on his hands and knees. Gaby kind of wants to follow him. The aura around this man is boiling, heavily, and strangely toothy. 

Thankfully, the elevator chooses this moment to arrive. Yay, escape. She’s suddenly craving something cold and terrible for her. The ice cream shop across the street will probably be a good bet. Their bubblegum ice cream is the best that she has ever tasted in her life~

She slips into the gold plated elevator, and good god does the Hibari family have too much money. Gaby is aware that most of it comes from their ‘benefactor’ but still, gold plated elevators with gem-encrusted floor buttons seem a little excessive even for her refined tastes. 

Gesso steps in right after her. 

Fuck. 

“Oi, woman, your tits are out,” he drawls.

“Oh, silly me, I hadn’t noticed,” Gaby snarks back with palpable insincerity and makes absolutely no move to rectify the issue. The last thing she wants is to be fumbling with the buttons in front of this guy. 

“You gonna do something about that?”

His posture is lazy and relaxed as he eyes her. The hairs on the back of her neck are prickling and while it is not visible she can feel flames, feel the storm raging in this enclosed spaced snapping at her. 

And that is about enough of that. Invisible or no Gaby know what Flame Aggression feels like and there is no way that she’s just going to stand here and take it.

“Fuck off,” she says and lets the ripples roll down her skin. 

She probably looks like a fancy stripper right now, not that she particularly cares. The biting pressure immediately abates and she straightens up. 

“Not bad, girly.”

“I aim to please,” Her tone comes off more sultry than she means it to. A side effect of using her flames on herself, “Now is three something I can help you with, mister Gesso?”

“Mister Gesso,” He snorts, “I think you might be confusin’ me with someone else, Sinclair.”

So he does know her name. Irritating but probably unavoidable considering the extenuating circumstances. 

“Sorry about that,” Gaby says, “Though now it seems like you have me at a disadvantage, mister-?”

“I would’ a thought an informant like yourself would be a little more subtle with fishin’.”

“Surprisingly, I’m not really feeling up to it at the moment.”

He leans up against the back of the elevator and looks down at Gaby with a smirk.

“Call me Zakuro,” He finally introduces himself. 

It’s an obvious alias, although she will say that it is orders of magnitude better than anything the Boss-man has ever come up with when put on the spot. She will never understand how the ridiculous plays on his own name ever pass scrutiny. Honestly, it’s almost insulting. Nonna Ariel must roll in her grave every time he calls himself ‘Reborn’ or ‘Doctor Reboyama’ or ‘Professor Rebornburg.’

Somehow its worse that the stupid aliases actually pan out for him.

“Oi, Idjit, you ignorin’ me now?”

“I didn’t realize you were so desperate for attention, Mister Zakuro, my deepest apologies,” Gaby waves off and does her best to use the reflective golden interior to adjust her shirt into something moderately more respectable. Her ripping flames soothing her earlier fit of ego and leaving her feeling somewhat ridiculous for strutting around like this. 

She doesn’t react with more than a cocked eyebrow when larger hands bat her's out of the way and proceed to button up the stupid dress shirt. 

“Knock off the ‘mister’ shit,” Zakuro drawls, “there ain’t no place for that shit with trash like us.” 

“Us? That’s rather presumptuous of you. What makes you think we have anything in common?” 

Invisible flames clash around them sharp teeth snapping against a waterfall. Zakuro’s posture and expression shift dramatically his eyes flare open wide his back straightens. Lazy cadence replaced with sharp rage. 

“We’re more alike than you might like to think. The children of whores and criminals that would be dead in a ditch if not for better’n brighter coming to haul us out. For me its the guy you’ve been callin’ ‘Mister Gesso’ as you followed us around. And for you, well that’d be Renato Sinclair, wouldn’t it?”

He’s bigger than Gaby, but at this moment she has the element of surprise. The elevator dings open as she kicks his feet out from under him and she grabs him by the throat and shoves him up against the reflective interior. 

Some things can’t be known. Are impossible to know about, and that name is at the top of that list. Renato Sinclair has been erased from history. She had helped erase it. 

Maybe a handful of people knew it. 

Only two knew that name in full. 

There is no way that this guy should know HIS NAME. 

“Careful girly,” her arm is grabbed and wrenched behind her back as Zakuro shoves her out of the elevator.

And straight into the middle of a shakedown. 

Men dressed in white. And emblem of two flowers crossing on collars and sleeves. Pistols and semi-automatics in hands. 

The concierge boy has been bound an gagged as have several other somewhat familiar faces. 

Rocco Fierre. 

Su Long. 

Lenny Costa. 

“What the fuck is this?” She hisses as she is shoved down to her knees. Zakuro keeping a firm hold on her one good arm. 

His skin is so hot it’s starting to feel like a branding iron. 

“Business.” 

The little concierge catches her eye. He has something in his hand and she very deliberately doesn’t look at it. Doesn’t look at him. Instead, she forces herself up to her feet and slams down on Zakuro’s instep. 

“What fucking business?!” She snarls. 

Eyes are on her. Guns are on her. If the kid is going to do something he better do it fast because Gaby doesn’t know how forgiving these gangsters will be. 

“You are a feisty one aren’t you,” He laughs, “I can almost understand how you caught his attention.”

“Who’s attention?” She demands before a gag is shoved into her mouth and her one good arm is cuffed to his. 

“The boss. See, he’s got his eyes on this weird fucking town and on some of the lucky fuckers in it.”

Zakuro roughly hoists her up to her feet and leans in close. 

Close enough to feel the teeth around her neck as he hisses, “And guess what, Sinclair? You’re one of the lucky winners.” 

She doesn’t feel lucky. 

She’s actually starting to feel like she’s the cursed one. What with the recent loss of limb and the repeated kidnapping. 

“Of course my boss would have loved to be here himself, but he’s a busy guy. Lots’ a plans. Lots’ a work to do. And no time to play meat puppet for the mad Dionysus.”

The concierge is the only other person pulled to his feet. He struggles briefly, however, the cold metal barrel of a semi-automatic puts an end to that real fast. 

Gaby lets her flames loose a little more. Cool, calm, tranquility seeping into her bones reaching out to her new friend in a show of support. She doesn’t want to try fucking with their assailants too much. There are too many of them and she has no idea if any of them are trigger happy. 

“What about the other three?” One of the men in white ask. 

“Shoot’em? Shove’em in a fucking closet I don’t fucking care just make sure they stay quiet. And when you’re done get cracking on the final targets. He’s particularly interested in these ones.” 

He pulls out three photographs from his coat pocket and Gaby strains her eyes to see. 

One is of a red-haired boy with glasses who looks remarkably similar to that eerie newscaster. She can’t quite make out the one beneath that The other...

The other is Sawada Inari. 

And that is the last thing Gaby sees before a burlap sack is tied over her head. 

She should have just sucked it up and let Dino dress her. 

... Sorry, Boss-man. 

* * *

* * *

Irie Shoichi is not chill in any way shape or form. He never has been, and chances are he never will be. There are probably house fires that have more chill than him. There are probably volcanoes with more chill than Shoichi has. 

Which is why this was such a terrible idea. 

He’s going to get caught. Chances are he probably already has been caught. He already has to skitter out of the way of at least three members of his mothers ‘book club’ and at least one of them had to have spotted him. Which means that she is going to know that he is skipping out of school. 

The stress that thought gives him is enough to churn is stomach and aggravate his ulcers. An extremely embarrassing sound whines out from his midsection and Shoichi feels mortified as he looks around to make sure no one was around to hear it. 

No, lucky for him the only people within hearing range are having an intense argument over the objective ripeness of oranges. Shoichi doubles his speed and rounds a corner because he really doesn’t want to be forced to witness another produce duel. 

He has something so much more important to do. 

And a very limited time to do it.

It doesn’t matter that his mother is going to smack him and ground him. It doesn’t matter that he’ll have detention until graduation. Not even the fact that Kisuke is going to pants him and shove him in a trash can tomorrow because Shoichi wasn’t there to do his math homework. 

No none of that matters because today Shoichi is going to get a signed copy of the limited edition run of the new Blood and Peppers record. 

He needs that record. He needs it more than he needs his inhaler or his ulcer medication. 

Shoichi has been waiting months for it to come out. Months of endless waiting and a randomly dropped single that he was forced to make a terrible 8-track recording of using the answering machine. 

He’s done his best to clean up the audio quality, but he needs some new components for his computer before it is even remotely up to standard. For now, the 8-track is fine. It’s solid gold. It is the only thing that kept him from completely losing his mind months ago when that strange kid blasted through his window and shot him with a cannon that sent Shoichi to the future (?!). 

He’s still not sure if that was something that actually happened or if it was some sort of pre-Doom Day hallucination. 

Or it could have been some sort of alien abduction if the vastly superior computers and technology that he saw there is anything to go by. 

And... there are various reasons why Shoichi hopes that THAT place wasn’t the actual future. 

He shakes the terrible and anxiety-inducing thoughts out of his head and doubles his pace to Mad Fox Records. Touya-san had said he would hold the album for him until noon at the very latest. Shoichi is already cutting it a little close and that’s not taking into consideration how unreliable Touya-san is when it comes to holds. 

There’s every chance that it might have been sold by the time he gets there. The shop was only getting in ten copies of the limited edition cover after all. Not that Shoichi wouldn’t buy the generic label. He might cry though. 

He really doesn’t ask for much. Really nothing at all if you think about it... Other than that base that Shoichi-ojisan had gotten him for Christmas last year. Mother still refuses to let him practice in the apartment, but Shoichi doesn’t care. He loves that base. He loves Shoichi-ojisan for buying it for him

She’s probably going to break it once she hears about this. 

A sharp pain curdles his stomach as his anxiety ricochets up another level. His knees knock together as he doubles over with clutching his midsection. Sweat beads on his forehead. He groans. If Akko were to see him right now she would say he looks constipated. 

She would say it loudly and in public, so a who bunch of random strangers would turn and stare and judge him. Because his sister thrives off of misery and the discomfort of others. 

Shoichi does his best to snuggle toward the record store as quickly as possible without looking like he is in desperate need of a bathroom. Because he’s not. He doesn’t need to use the bathroom right this very second...

Only now that he’s thinking about it he kind of does. 

Where even is the nearest public bathroom anyway?

No chill. 

No chill at all. 

There is no way that Shoichi is ever going to be a cool, famous musician. He might as well resign himself to a mediocre future in middle management now. Hopefully, Keisuke won’t still be forcing him to do his homework when they’re thirty and working in the same purgatorial office hellscape that consumed their fathers. 

Shoichi sighs heavily as he rounds the final corner to Mad Fox Records and proceeds to stop and stare in dismay. 

“Oh no.”

Because there is a crowd of people standing around outside the record store. He had been expecting some traffic. It is the new Blood and Peppers album after all. They are a BIG DEAL. But he hadn’t been expecting so man grown adult people.

...With their identical outfits.

...And guns.

...He should leave. 

He should leave right now. Turn around before anyone sees him and run away. 

“MUMPH!!!”

Shoichi jumps half a foot as a muffled scream breaks him out of his panic spiral and he focuses. Focuses on a girl in a Yumei Private Middle School uniform being gagged and dragged off her feet. She looks familiar. She looks really familiar. She looks like Asakura Nagi from class 2-B. 

She spots him and Shoichi can’t breathe. He can’t breathe! What is he supposed to DO!? 

PROBABLY SOMETHING MORE THAN STANDING HERE WATCHING A GIRL GET KIDNAPPED!!

“Gahhhh...”

Nagi is struggling and kicking her legs and trying to break out of the hole of the huge foreign man that has her. But it’s no use because Nagi is tiny and Shoichi is too much of a coward to go running to her rescue. 

“Kidnapping!” He blurts out finally, “Someone! Help! Kidnapping!” 

...

Shoichi pales as, as one, a dozen strange armed men turn and see him pointing at them ineffectually. He has no idea why people seem to think he’s intelligent, he just got himself killed. 

He doesn’t have the new Blood and Peppers album. 

He really needs to use the bathroom. 

And he’s about to get shot. 

“Well, aren’t you a helpful kid. Save’n us the trouble of having to come find you,” one of the men says as he leers down at Shoichi. 

Shoichi actually has to shoulder check just to make sure there isn’t a more impressive middle schooler standing behind him. Like maybe that kid he got caught in a three-way phone line crossing with, who he assumes was, Arnold Schwarzenegger. Or perhaps someone equally physically imposing that Shoichi could hide behind. 

But, no, no such luck. 

Nothing behind him but a deserted street. Everyone else must have been paying attention to where they were walking and noticed the obvious cult and known to steer clear. 

Maybe there was a posting on the community bulletin board that he missed. 

The man crouches down in front of him and Shoichi wheezes in terror. He needs to augment his list of priorities. The need for his inhaler is quickly starting to outstrip his need for the Blood and Peppers album. Just barely, but it is. 

“It’s crazy,” The man continues as he pulls a scrap of paper out of his coat pocket and holds it up next to Shoichi’s face, “He knew exactly where you’d be. Down to the second.” 

It’s his school photo. 

This guy has his school photo. 

They are looking for him specifically. 

Why!?

Shoichi has never done anything to anyone!

...

Okay, so that’s not exactly true. But he thinks he should be forgiven for constructing an elaborate series of primitive traps to stop a madman from sacrificing him and his campmates to a demon god. 

He tries to crabwalk backward away from this strange and very obviously dangerous person. Dangerous people. 

He hopes Nagi will understand. He’ll call the police and they’ll be able to save her but first, he needs to get away and live and-

And he goes cross-eyed looking at the gun pointed between his eyes. 

“The boss said you were smart, kid. You might want to take a look at your circumstances and reconsider any stupid plans of running away. Cuz it’s just you and me and my friends here right now,” The look on his face makes Shoichi feel sick to his stomach, “You’re no so special that you're irreplaceable after all.” 

And then the gun is gone. 

In a flash of red light, the gun is no longer pressed against Shoichi’s head and the man that had been threatening him is laid out on his back with a very tiny ... person (?) standing on his chest. 

A ... baby? 

“Which serves as an excellent lead into my question,” The baby says, “Why is it that you want with these children?” 

“Fuck’n Arcobaleno,” the man groans, “Someone grab the fucking kid!”

Shoichi is pretty sure he means him. He is also reasonably sure that he is dreaming right now, because what is even happening right now?! 

The gangsters spring into action and the baby moves at what looks like light speed, bounding between all of them like it’s nothing. The very small baby-person is throwing punches and kicks and tossing the guys in white around and Shoichi is glued to the spot watching it all happen. 

The logical and terrifying part of his brain is screaming at him to flee, to get the heck out of here and try to slink back into math class. If he’s lucky no one will have even noticed that he had been missing at all. The other, not so logical, part of his brain that is convinced that is is all a very vivid dream is telling him to stay and enjoy this illogical Kung-fu-anime-battle sequence. 

And then, somehow, things get weirder. 

They get SO. MUCH. WEIRDER. 

Suddenly there are rapid flashes of green light and humming electricity in the air as one of the criminals shoots lightning out of his gun. The baby dodges out of the way and retaliates by punching red fire at them. The fire hits the edge of the Mad Fox Records sign and Shoichi watches as it disintegrates before his eyes. 

Some scaffolding falls next to him and Shoichi scrambles on his hands and knees. He can’t get in a full breath of air, his knees are shaking and he doesn’t get very far before a muscular arm snatches him up around his midsection and hauls him off the ground. 

“I got him!”

Shoichi dangles there with his stomach roiling and desperately tries to will his lungs to work better. 

Amazingly, it kind of works the pain in his stomach starts to wash away with a pleasant kind of warmth that radiates up and into his chest and lungs letting him take in a deep breath.

“L-let me go!”

... Yes, because an armed kidnapped is just going to drop him because he asked. 

“P-please?”

Next to the baby that is summoning fireballs and twisting guys into pretzels, Shoichi feels pretty pathetic. Maybe someone will take pity on his useless butt and save him before he gets sold into slavery (or whatever the heck this is all about).

He has this thought, and then a moment later the guy holding him is pummelled to the ground. Shoichi lands on his useless butt with a yelp. And then he yelps again as three more bodies are piled up next to him. 

“Poachers,” says Hibari Kyoya as he steps on the bodies of the fallen men in white, “For crimes against the citizens of Namimori you shall all be bitten to death.”

Shoichi’s blanks. 

And because these guys are all obviously outsiders who don’t have the faintest clue who they're dealing with they start to laugh. They start to laugh at the demonic enforcer himself. 

They’re going to die. 

The craziest monster of them all has arrived. 

Shoichi isn’t sure what the deal with the magic fire-wielding baby is, but it no longer matters because Hibari Kyoya is here and he’s going to kill everyone. 

He hasn’t seen him since elementary school and if Shoichi had it his way he would have gone the rest of his life without ever crossing paths with him again. Kyoya is violent and crazy and Shoichi once watched him wrestle a bear and win. 

“Oi, pretty boy, you best run along home or you’re going to get hurt.”

Shoichi’s hands fly up to cover his mouth in empathy? Sympathy? Terror? As one of the tonfa slams into the man’s mouth shattering teeth and continuing the downward swing until his head cracks against the pavement with thunderous force. 

He is peripherally aware that the pavement actually shatters from the force of the hit and because he doesn’t want to have nightmares for the rest of his life Shoichi resolutely does not look down. He’s fairly certain that was a tooth that just hit his glasses and he can only guess what the rest of this gory picture looks like. 

“Now,” Hibari cocks his head to the side looking for all intents and purposes like a deranged ax murderer, “Which one of you cowardly herbivores is going to tell me where you’ve taken Kira?” 

Kira?

Like, Hibari Kira?

Like Hibari Kira who is Hibari Kyoya’s brother?

Like Hibari Kira who is the Dragons Kid?!

Oh...

Well then...

Everyone here is going to die. 

There really is no way around it. These guys messed with the Hibari family. Which means that they messed with the city council. Which means they messed with the mayor. Which means that Hibari Kyoya is going to be the very least of their worries very soon. 

Shoichi should leave now. He should leave before hooded figures descend upon them and the secret police arrive and everyone in the area is sent to a ‘relaxing retreat.’ There is a security camera pointed at the right now. They’ve probably already seen his face!

He’s screwed. So very screwed. 

This is why that scary old lady warned him about skipping class all those months ago. It was this moment!

“That was a touch excessive, Kyoya,” The baby says like none of this is a big deal at all.

“I don’t want to hear that from you, baby. Are any of your prey even breathing?”

“Ah... They’ll be fine once the paralysis wears off.” 

Shoichi really has no idea who he should be more terrified of right now. His rescuers or the people who have come to his rescue. If they have any intention of saving him at all. Neither of them has really given so much as a nod to his existence which is fine with Shoichi. He doesn’t particularly want to be acknowledged by any of these psychos. 

He just hopes that one of them can save Nagi.

Nagi!

Where’s the car?! 

“H-“

Shoichi doesn’t even get a word out before something cracks hard at the base of his skull and everything goes dark. 

* * *

* * *

I don’t know whether to laugh or cry at this moment. 

I am still hungover as shit. The kiddos are safely within my sphere of magical protection, for the time being, while, what appears to be, a gun-toting glam rock band is having it out with the Flash. Kyoya has apparently been trolling around the city covered in blood splatters with an adorable magic talking monkey on him back. 

And I, by no fault of my own whatsoever, once again find myself in peril. 

Reborn is going to be so pissed at me~

But, really, he should know better by now. What did he expect? That I would spend a nice quiet day sleeping off a hangover and wallowing in regret? Of course not! Because that would have been the reasonable thing to do and since when have I ever done the reasonable thing when it comes to my own personal health and safety. 

Are you quite alright? The monkey, Lichi my brain helpfully supplies as I’m caught up in a revelation coming at my brain at breakneck speed. 

Because there is so much happening at this moment that should not be happening. My eyes are filling with static and my mouth is filling with the taste of purple and there is an omnipresent droning sound of buzzing in the air. 

“P̸e̸a̷c̶h̴y̴ ̷k̶e̵e̵n̷ ̷,” I say, and take a moment to relish to look of alarm that Kyoya is giving me. To be fair to him I’m pretty sure my voice just came out sounding like a Vocaloid. 

Which is a pretty disturbing sound to come out of organic vocal cords. Even ones that have been trashed as many times as mine have.

“Beast,” Kyoya warns. 

I roll my eyes at him and jab him in the back of the knee again. 

There is another volley of gunfire, but instead of bullets, there is a prismatic spray of reds and greens and yellows. Flame weapons. Of course, the new challenger will immediately send flame adept minions at us. 

Who are these guys anyway?

And what’s the deal with the mini flash?

“Worry less about me and more about those fuckers please,” I snark at him. 

“Hn.”

Ugh, I hate his monosyllabic answers. I swear, it’s like talking to a caveman. 

Two of our mysterious assailants try to flank us. Try, because it is nearly impossible to go unnoticed when dressed in white. Someone should let these dumbfucks know that white is wicked conspicuous. 

Kyoya slams the butt of one of the tonfa into a gut and suddenly the guy has vomited all down his front, which is nasty. But he got off better than his buddy who gets clobbered across the head with a sickening thwack and a spray of blood. 

I think both outcomes prove my point about white being the absolute worst colour for gangsters to wear. 

Unless these guys are actually trying to be conspicuous. Which is another problem entirely. 

“Yikes,” I comment as Lichi jumps ship to my shoulder and I try to make sure Lambo and Futa aren’t exposed to too much gory violence. 

A dumb goal considering their upbringing thus far, but never the less, it is important to me to at least give them the illusion of having a peaceful happy childhood. 

“Gross!” Lambo cheers, “That was gross and awesome!”

The kiddos are about as protected as I can get them right now inside my glitter forcefield of awesomeness. And despite my efforts, they probably also have the best seat in the house to watch the violent smackdown. 

“I guess,” Futa says ambivalently. 

“Futa! Futa! Futa!”

“Yes, Lambo-chan?”

“What day is it?”

I really hope Lambo isn’t catching my terrible perception of time. Don’t aspire to be like Fratello, kiddo, it’s a shitty deal. Nothing ever makes sense and you have to deal with a perpetual headache. 

“The seventeenth,” Futa answers. 

I am strangely thrilled that he has a stable enough hold of linear time. It is an underrated life skill. 

“Kay.”

I take this moment of strange calm (considering there is still a fight of magical flame going on twenty feet away from where were hanging) to pull out my phone and send a quick text to Reborn. Because while he will undoubtedly be pissed no matter the outcome of this little misadventure. He will be more pissed if I don’t tell him that it’s happening while I have the chance. 

‘ **25 - 8, By the sports emporium**.’ 

There, nice and glib. While hopefully keep him from instantaneously shooting someone. 

“So, poachers?” I broach sliding my phone back into my pocket, carefully noting the unceasing tension in Kyoya’s shoulders and keeping one eye on our mysterious ally wreathed in static and storm flames. “Care to elaborate?” 

A flurry of blows all perfectly timed to the millisecond. 

“They have been collecting Namimori citizens,” Kyoya intones as he shakes the blood and messes off his weapons. 

My phone buzzes and I pull it out to check the message.

‘ **Why** ’

I can hear his exasperation in this single word message and his wariness. The fact that he has left off the punctuation is telling. It speaks in volumes. 

‘ **Poachers with fire guns** ’ 

Still glib and unhelpful, but I’m sure he’s already got the general idea now. 

“Traditionally, those would be called kidnappers,” I inform Kyoya cheerfully as I look up from my phone to see ███ perform a beautiful jumping front kick which he immediately follows up with a tiger claw strike that has his target clutching at his throat and choking, “Or human traffickers.”

“Scum.”

Watching ███ work is a lot like watching a martial arts movie. I’ve always loved watching masters at work. Lichi chitters happily as if she can hear my thoughts. 

He will be happy that you still think so. 

“That too,” I agree, with both of them sort of, “Do we know why these very stupid people have come to assault our fair city.” 

“I don’t care.”

I roll my eyes (again), “Well I do,” I snap at him, “So go get me a live one that I can interrogate.”

“Hunt for yourself, Beast.”

“But you actually enjoy beating the shit out of random assholes,” I whine. 

Kyoya gives me a very judgmental look. 

“I’m serious.”

He turns his back on me again and starts stalking toward the action. 

“I’ll just bite them all to death,” he says like an asshole and proceeds to bolt up to the nearest terribly dressed gangster (and seriously who designed these outfits the crossed flowers don’t look like any of the mafia symbology that Reborn has shown us. 

And it HURTS to look at. 

Like, holy shit, it feels like my brain is folding in on itself.

Staring into the maw of a laughing titan into what hasn’t been and what shouldn’t be because time doesn’t work like that. 

Kyoya hits the first minion he comes across so hard that the poor fucker goes flying. Literally flying ten feet and slamming headfirst into the Sport Emporium’s welcome sign. 

“At least leave one of them conscious!” I call after him. 

Not that it matters, because Kyoya is an asshole and he has never listened to anything that I’ve asked him to do ever in the entire time that we’ve known each other. He pushes my buttons, I push his back, and together we devolve into a violent dysfunctional mess 

This is why Miki-chan said we would be terrible for each other. 

That and the fact that I’m kinda sorta technically twenty-two years older than him and even the thought of that makes me feel like a total creep. Even if it’s only half true. 

“Futa! Did’ ya see that!” Lambo babbles, “How strong is he?!”

“I’ll check,” Futa says helpfully. 

And then gravity stops working. 

Because that's what we needed right now. 

I fucking love my kids. 

“Out of 86,203 mafioso Hibari Kyoya ranks number 3 in pure physical strength,” Futa states, “Wow, he’s even stronger than you, Inari-niisan.”

No kidding. 

I suddenly care less about all of this bullshit because the sight of grown men screaming as they are suddenly airborne and being sucked up into the overcast sky. 

Of course, Kyoya manages to hook his foot into a fence and just floats there looking cool as a cucumber. 

Ass. 

“I still need to interrogate one of them,” I mutter, half to myself and a half to Lichi. 

**Just ask, Dearheart** , She says, her voice spiraling symphonic chaos that is joining and building with rumbling depths from a point to the north and beneath the earth and a chorus of a thousand thousand voices and strings that is rapidly closing in at breakneck speed.

A stable trinity.

Fire. 

Power. 

Half of the reciprocal all gathered in one place that makes this feel so deliberate. 

“But I don’t...” I start.

I don’t know his name, but that’s a lie. I know exactly who it is that is bouncing around between bad guys throwing around dragons. But if I say it... 

If I say it ... something bad is going to happen. 

“Fuck it, I’ll go grab one myself,” I sigh, “Hey kiddos sit tight for me-“

I glance on my shoulder to check on the kiddos who I assume are still suspended in my glittery fortress.

They aren’t.

But that isn’t what catches my attention. 

Or what catches me. 

Z̶a̷k̶u̷r̶o̵.̴ ̸

̵

̷

̶T̷h̵e̶ ̴S̶t̴o̶r̴m̷ ̸F̸u̵n̴e̷r̴a̶l̵ ̶W̶r̸e̵a̶t̴h̸.̷ ̷

̴

̷

̴H̴e̸ ̴s̷h̸o̵u̵l̶d̵ ̶n̴o̴t̸ ̷b̷e̴ ̶h̴e̶r̶e̴ ̶

There is a heat and a pressure that is pressing down on me. I stare at Zakuro who shouldn’t be here. It doesn’t belong here at this time, in this place. 

I swallow and my eyes flicker to where Lambo and Futa are standing. Outside of my magical glitter shield. Outside of my protection. Too close to this anomaly. 

ThisP̶̼͔͇̯̹͍͖̪͉̭̠̠̳̬̖͓̉͋̄̏ͅa̵̧͖̯͕̞̣̝̻̣͑̾̑̾̈́̇́̈̃̿̎͋̔͋͜͝ͅr̶̨̞̻̣͕̥͈̠͇̟͙̻̤͕̥̋̎̍̀͑̃͐̈̀̑̿̏̕a̷̫̜̘̗̾͐̆̈d̵̥͉̈́͛̑̚͜͝o̵̡̤̙͔̝͙͈̞̭͋̃̃̌̑́̈̇̕͜x̷̛̛͚̏̊̌́̇̃̐͂͛̈́͘. 

My mouth floods with a terrible chemically sweet taste. 

I twist my fingers and the glitter dissipates with sparks and sparkles and reforms into a hand that scoops Lambo and Futa and pulls them back behind me. 

“Oh,” He laughs, “Good, now I don’t have to bother introducing myself. It’s such a pain in the ass and I already had to go through that today.”

“Great, we can assume that we all know each other,” I panic babble, “Now do me a favour and fuck right off. Please take your idiots with you too.” 

I̸ ̷f̷e̵e̸l̵ ̶t̸h̶e̵ ̴h̶e̸a̶t̵.̴ ̸  
̷  
̴  
̷  
̴  
̴I̵ ̷f̷e̸e̸l̸ ̵t̶h̸e̴ ̸t̶e̸e̶t̵h̷.̵ ̵  
̷  
̴  
̴  
̵  
̶A̴n̴d̴ ̷e̶v̷e̴r̸y̷t̵h̴i̴n̶g̶ ̸i̷s̶ ̵s̶t̷a̸t̶i̸c̴.̴ ̵  
̴  
̷  
̶  
̶  
̷  
̵  
̶  
̴  
̵I̵ ̸c̴a̵n̶ ̷b̴a̸r̷e̷l̷y̸ ̷s̵e̴e̶.̷ ̷

A big hand claps against my shoulder and Lichi hisses and snaps. Zakuro snarls right back and her whole body shudders and slumps on my shoulder as the balance is distorted. 

███ falls and hits the ground hard as the payment demanded is doubled tripled more and more.

"Stop," I beg, and my voice comes out breathless as something that isn't here shuttered, "You'll kill him."

"You've got bigger problems right now, Idjit. The Arcobaleno's fine."

A ring presses into my shoulder. 

It burns. 

The Tri-ni-sette has teeth. 

“Sorry, kid, I get that you’ve been through a lot lately, really. But I’ve got orders and you’re going to be coming with me.” 

“Fuck... you.”

My magic spell dissipates. It is taking everything I have to resist the heat and weight that is crashing down on me. Lambo whimpers and Futa sobs. 

“Stop resisting and the kids will be fine. If you don’t...”

The threat comes through loud and clear and I stop resisting. I let myself get dragged under his arm and pulled forward. 

I can’t hear anything other than static and cacophonous noise. 

And then I’m shoved into the back seat of a car. 

And I’m being kidnapped.

....

FUCKING AGAIN!

"You know," Zakuro's voice is lazy as he looms in the door, "I remembered that I was supposed to bring some 'insurance' along."

And when he slides into the car next to me he has a wide-eyed Lambo in his grip.

"Relax, kid, So long as you play along nobody gets hurt. The boss has'a special interest in you after all."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hiya everyone! Sorry for the radio silence last week. Many things happened (got laid-off from work, my cat-child got sick, and I was without internet for over a week, also government bureaucracy gives me a headache). I hope you’re all doing well. 
> 
> A little bit of a different format this week and we get to know some of the badass ladies that are populating this world. Because, as much as I love writing from Inari’s POV he does not exist within a vacuum and important plot things happen with out him being around to see but still need to be conveyed. And so we have Zhi (Fon’s delightful chain smoking younger sister/ our resident Cave Troll’s mother) and Gaby (Reborn’s student/daughter/informant/headache who’s backstory I have spent way too much time working on :P). 
> 
> This is very much more on the mafia side of the plot. And if you’ll excuse my brief editorial I just want to say how much fun it has been populating this world and characterizing Namimori. As much as I love KHR the world always seemed very empty to me (regardless of the enormous cast of characters) and ever since reading the future arc for the first time I always wondered why they would set up their base of operations in Namimori (my answer, of course, is that Namimori is obviously an Eldritch location with natural defences). And there are more people and things happening in the great wide underworld than epic battle royals. 
> 
> ... There was also the eleventh hour AND NOW ALIENS EXIST thing, but we’ll get into that later ;)
> 
> as always I love hearing from you all! So let me know Questions? Comments? Theories? 
> 
> And if anyone is wondering where the Varia are... don’t worry we’ll be seeing our super killer squad soon enough~
> 
> Until next week (hopefully) friends 🥰


	40. The Descent

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Once more unto the breach!

“This is a little brutal don’t you think?” I complain as I slump heavily against Ren’s back.

He doesn’t really give any indication that the extra weight bothers him in the least. He just keeps scribbling out his equations in his overstuffed notebook. Under normal circumstances I would be perfectly content to just lay about and watch him write, his hands are lovely and I’m rather fond of that little wrinkle of irritation that he gets when the equations aren’t working quite right, but-

“Is it really?” He asks blandly.

He sounds a little cross. I don’t know why. It’s not like he’s the one who’s been tossed around like a rag doll for the past three hours.

“Yes?” I answer carefully, “You’re sitting here watching Fon beat me up. I don’t remember doing anything to warrant this sort of egregious treatment of my person. And if I did I am deeply sorry for it. Can we call it a day now?”

“It’s training, Tsuki,” Fon says with a look of fond exasperation as he comes to sit across from us. “And you are improving.”

Fon is looking irritatingly refreshed and chipper considering I’m all gross and sweaty now.

“You say that. But I’m pretty sure that you’re both just enjoying watching me get tossed into walls,” I huff and press my forehead against the middle of Ren’s back. He’s wearing the charcoal grey number today with the waistcoat and it is doing things to me.

Extremely distracting, ‘letting Fon throw me into walls while he watches me make an idiot of myself’ kind of things.

“And I still don’t understand the ‘why’ part of this,” I complain as I wrap my arms around his waist and start fiddling with the button on his very attractive waistcoat.

“You broke your hand, Brat” Ren answers tapping my wrapped-up hand with the end of his pen.

“This seems very counterproductive to that statement. I hope you realize that. Unless your hope is that Fon breaks my other hand as well and I’ll be very reliant on you for... actually now that I think about it that might actually be fun, but you can get a similar effect by tying me up. I know you like that~”

Fon laughs as he sets himself down on the mats in front of us, a tad more shirtless than the last time I looked up... I might need to rethink my position on this.

* * *

* * *

_Lal is charging back up the winding staircase._

_It looks like she’s had just about enough of the infinite loop._

_Mads shouts and ducks for cover as she pulls out the Magnum and aims it at the symbol etched in the wall-_

* * *

* * *

_Virgil is looking through a microscope at one of the tissue samples from The Decayed that Ren managed to bring back last week._

_It wriggles and writhes in its wormy malevolence. The only surviving victim is still in the hospital screaming about the holes and worms inside him._

* * *

* * *

_Uni is sound asleep in her cradle under the careful watch of three eyes and a fox plush._

* * *

* * *

“I don’t want you to break your hands at all,” Ren says dropping the pen entirely and tugging my arms forward a little more so that he can wrap my hands in his bigger ones and presses a kiss against my fingers, “Particularly not when you appear during a field mission and attempt to ‘help.’”

“Oi!”

“Not that your assistance isn’t appreciated, Tsuki, but we would all prefer that you didn’t irreparably damage yourself in a misguided attempt to save one of us,” Fon adds.

“It was one time!” I protest, “And I did it to save your lives.”

“It has been more than one time,” Ren interrupts my outrage, “And if you insist on throwing yourself into the field you are going to be combat-ready. Or do you not think that you can handle it?”

Smug, smarmy bastard.

I bristle at the challenge. Pulling my hands out of his and scrambling to my feet so that I can, for a brief and glorious moment loom over the two of them.

“Can I handle it?” I repeat, “Who do you think you’re talking to, Sunshine? You two do realize that I’m your handler right?”

“You’re a very adept support tactician, Mio Caro, but I don’t think you quite have what it takes to work in the field.”

* * *

* * *

**Do you even have the slightest clue when you are? I didn’t realize that it was ever this bad...**

* * *

* * *

I feel the corner of my eye twitch as I look down at Ren who is giving me this dark dead-eye stare. I don’t know if he’s being serious or if he’s just trying to provoke me but either way I’m not going to stand for it.

Not combat-ready my ass.

“Fon, I suddenly feel extremely motivated to do more training if you’re amicable.”

“I’m more than happy to be of assistance, Tsuki,” Fon smiles as he stands up in one very graceful motion turning to walk back to the practice area showing off extremely well-defined muscles and the scales of the dragon.

Wow~

Me and Ren kinda tilt and admire as one.

It’s very hard not to.

* * *

* * *

**SNAP OUT OF IT!**

* * *

* * *

“Feel free to join in as well, Renato,” Fon says with a backward glance, “You can’t rely on those firearms of yours for everything.”

“Hmm~”

* * *

* * *

_‘Minerva,’ Juno snaps drawing the attention of the eye I keep with her, ‘If you’re just about finished playing with your pets we have reports of an unnatural phenomenon in Death Valley. Something about a circus. I need you to SEE-”_

* * *

* * *

**ATTENTION FUCKING DUMBASS!!!**

**SNAP OUT OF IT!**

Wha-

**You can finish having your fucking nervous breakdown later. Right now you have to get Lambo away from that fucker.**

What?!

**Fucking hit that fucker!**

* * *

* * *

Fists and glitter fly in the enclosed space as I make a mad lunge for Lambo.

Zakuro swears as electricity and sparkles flash in front of his eyes and I manage to get in one good hit across his jaw as Lichi drives needle-like fangs through his ear. Shock and awe are all I’ve got at this point. It’s all I ever have really. I don’t exactly have any formal martial arts training I’m mostly a scrapper which is becoming more and more obvious to all now that Tsuna and Takeshi are getting formal weaponry training and Kyoko talked Hayato into taking karate lessons with her mom at the community center.

The fact that I’m a flailing idiot is becoming more and more obvious.

It’s the detriment of starting the adventure at a higher level than the rest of the party.They’ve all leveled up while I’m struggling through an ongoing identity crisis.

Zakuro catches my hands in one huge fist, not a difficult maneuver considering how tiny I still am (I shouldn’t be this small. I was never this small before. Something is wrong) and then all I feel is white-hot agony as my hands start to burn.

And I scream.

“STOP! STOP HURTING FRATELLO!” Lambo’s terrified shouting cuts through the haze of pain, “LAMBO-SAMA WILL BEAT YOU UP IF YOU HURT,FRATELLO!”

The grip releases abruptly and my gloves are ripped off my hands in one rough motion.

“LET LAMBO-SAMA GO! LET ME GO! MEANIE! MEANIE! REBORN IS GOING TO KILL YOU! I’M GOING TO KILL YOU!”

The unnatural blaring rage of a tuba fills the car as Lambo’s tantrum takes a very different turn from the usual tears.

“Shut the fuck up you irritating little fucker,” Zakuro snaps.

There’s a blur of motion and suddenly Lambo’s shouting turns into quiet sobs.

* * *

* * *

**What the hell are you doing?!**

Wondering what the fuck is going on? Lamenting my terrible life choices? Wondering why the fuck I’m talking to myself like a crazy person again?! Really, take your pick at this point.

**Really isn’t the time for any of that.**

Thank you so much for that extremely useful and relevant news bulletin, me, have any other helpful tips?

**Stop fucking around or Lambo is going to die!**

* * *

* * *

I don’t even think before lunging at him again. I use my size to my advantage and get a little more momentum by kicking off with my legs. We collide into his side of the car with enough force that the entire vehicle swerves dangerously.

A horn honks as I slam my bare somewhat burnt fist into the bridge of his nose and it connects with a satisfying crunch.

And then a huge hand lashes out catching me hard across my lower jaw and the side of my neck. Which would have been shocking enough, but then the burning sets in and I yowl like a fucking alley cat.

He shoves me off of him hard and Lichi releases his ear and follows me, hissing and spitting as her arms lengthen unnaturally.

“Try that a fucking’gain and the kid is fucking done,” he snarls holding Lambo up between us. The storm coiling dangerously at a point in his chest.

My awareness narrows down to a singular point as the threat hangs in the air between us and Lambo’s confused and terrified whimpers fill the space in the back seat. One of Zakuro’s massive hands wraps around Lambo’s upper body immobilizing his arms and pinning him in his very dangerous grip.

* * *

* * *

**Don’tpanicdon’tpanicdon’tpanicdon’tpanic**

You fucking don’t panic!

* * *

* * *

“Fuck off!” I snap, more to the irritating voice in my head than to Zakuro, but the sentiment is still the same.

“What was that?” He rumbles dangerously and Lambo cries in his grasp.

I still can’t see the Storm but I can sure as fuck feel it’s teeth and along with them the promise to rend and tear and break down all matter until all that is left is bone and then not even that. The fresh burn across my lower jaw and neck stings as I swallow hard and begrudgingly sit back pressing my back against the door.

I let myself relax as much as possible. My panting slows.

“Don’t hurt him,” I plead quietly.

“I wasn’t plannin’ on it until you decided to go feral on me, Idjit.”

My eyes flicker up to meet his, and as much as I fucking loathe this man right now I can tell he’s being honest. The threat remains, but there is a very defined line in the metaphorical sand that he isn’t going to cross.

My breathing evens out a little more and a tense sort of silence fills the car. That is until my phone starts buzzing again.

It’s been going off almost constantly since Zakuro nabbed us outside the Sports Emporium. I haven’t exactly had an opportunity to answer it what with the threats and the violence and the fabric of reality tearing against the grain as an unnatural piece of the Tri-ni-sette froze a conduit.

███

He would be disappointed if he was here to witness the artless flailing that I’ve been trying to pass off as self-defense.

He taught me better than that.

He better be okay.

‘You’re a little out of practice, Dearest,’ Lichi consoles me, ‘I’m sure he will be more than happy to give you some lessons when this is all done.’

...

F██

██n

Of course **Fon** was the only one sensible enough to keep his real name. It just too bad that it’s fucking with me this badly. 

My vision statics out.

My last hold out.

The damning evidence.

Of what Juno’s creation wrought.

Of what I didn’t stop.

Even though I hardly need it now.

* * *

* * *

**Later. I know this is all fucked and a lot, but it needs to be later.**

* * *

* * *

My gaze travels down to where the glitter gloves lay smoldering and discarded on the floor mat. They still sparkle as dim light passes through darkened windows. But they’ve started to melt into something that looks less glove-like and more like a lump of rock. Even the highly experimental superconductive compound was no match for whatever the hell Zakuro’s flames are made of. I try to ignore the pang of heartache and disappointment as I look at them. I loved those gloves, not for any practical reason of course, but I had loved making glitter art in the sky and snapping my fingers to lights and giant hands. And they had been a gift.

Verde had made them just for me.

...

██r██l made those for me.

* * *

* * *

**KEEP YOUR FUCKING HEAD ON THE MISSION, CONTROL!**

* * *

* * *

“You ain’t going to need those where you’re going, Idjit,” Zakuro sneers and settles back into his seat.

The industrial district flys past in the window behind him as the car speeds through the streets of Namimori.

I have to bite my tongue to keep from blurting out something that will undoubtedly just make this entire situation exponentially worse. Zakuro’s already made his threats. One more wrong move from me and Lambo is quite literally toast. And I am not going to do anything stupid to risk his life. My own, sure. But not his. I will never willingly do anything to endanger any of my babies.

Past, present, or future.

Lambo whines quietly in our captors grasp and flashes his big green teary eyes at me. He’s holding steadier than I thought he would and I am so proud of him for that. I am also filled with murderous rage toward the towering asshole sitting next to me for that. But I’m going to focus on the pride.

I try to smile at him in a comforting way. It feels like it comes out a little more crooked than usual. I think the burn is making the side of my face swell a little bit. I’m also pretty sure that there is a raw burn on my face and neck in the shape of a massive handprint which I am really not down with. I’m not a vain guy, that’s more Ren’s deal than mine, but I don’t really want to spend the rest of my life with this dick’s hand on my face.

This is hardly the most traumatic or painful thing that has ever happened to me during a kidnapping. Anyone who knows me will tell you, I have been kidnapped, taken hostage, and assaulted way more than any person should be. And I’m not even counting my time as Tsukishima Inari. Just this past year I have been kidnapped eleven fucking times, and four of those times were before Reborn and the bloody mafia showed up on our doorstep.

I will actually have to rank this as one of the more pleasant kidnappings that I’ve been through just for the fact that I have yet to be physically restrained yet.

No, I’ve just been bitch slapped by a fire giant.

And there is something demeaning about getting bitch slapped into fucking submission. Even if said bitch slap was accompanied by molten heat and magical disintegration properties. At least his nose is a little messed up now. Little victory.

My face still stings like hell though.

All things considered I guess I’m lucky that he managed to muster up enough restraint to avoid burning my entire face off. I’m grateful for that at least. It feels like that would be a particularly shitty way to go.

And somehow I doubt Reborn would be keen for date night if I was sans face. I might not exactly be much to look at but I like to think I have at least some attractive features.

Maybe?

Fuck it, I’m a living trash fire and I know it.

“I wasn’t expecting you to be so scrappy,” Zakuro finally says breaking the silence and gingerly prodding at his nose with his free hand.

“What do you want? An apology?” I grumble.

I take a moment to coil myself into any even smaller shape pulling up my knees and curling my hands close to my chest. My phone into my midsection and continues to buzz every so often. I don’t know for sure who keeps calling me, but I can guess.

I still don’t dare answer it though.

The way Zakuro keeps eyeing me makes me wish I’d had the foresight to put the ringer on silent today.

“Naw, It would’a been disappointing if ya hadn’t fought back at all,” He says, “Though I was warned about yer mouth, not the rabid squirrel routine.”

I’m getting a distinct impression that I’m being mocked right now.

“My ‘mouth?’” I ask incredulously, “I didn’t realize my loquaciousness had become so legendary. Unless of course you were warned about my ‘mouth’ in the more hands-on sense, in which case you are going to be sorely mistaken.”

Of course it’s going to be my reflexive defensive innuendo that is going to get me killed.

Zakuro’s mouth drops open a little as he stares at me wide-eyed. I can see the gears in his head grinding to an abrupt halt.

Alright then.

“And please don’t take that as an invitation to whip it out. I might be easy, but I’m in a committed relationship and my partner is really picky about who we invite for threesomes.”

“Oi-“

Me? Stop? Never.

Welcome to the newest episode of ‘I’m uncomfortable and I’m going to keep digging this hole until everyone else is too.’

“Though I can understand that you’d be a little bit pent up, what with the whole molten fire hands. Out of curiosity, can you jack off? And if so how fucking weaponized is your jizz?”

There is a moment where nothing happens. Zakuro just keeps staring at me as I glare back at him with more sass and moxie than I actually feel as his faces starts turning increasingly deeper shades of red as he fails to breathe.

Go ahead, take away all my weapons and options. I’ll defeat you with my fucking dialogue wheel, dick.

His hold on Lambo slackens enough that my padawan slips through his grasp and lands on the seat with a little squeak before scurrying over to me. I unfold myself enough for him to crawl into my lap before re-cocooning around him protectively. He half crawls into my oversized hoodie like some sort of baby kangaroo. He turns and presses his head into my chest and starts making teary little sobbing noises.

Crocodile tears.

To cover up the fact that he’s already gotten his little hands on my phone.

I just keep up the ice-cold glare as Zakuro sputters and fumbles in the face of the vulgarity that I just threw in his face. I do feel a little bad that I just exposed to some seriously R-Rated bullshit, but at least he’s no longer in the grips of Mr. ‘I-may-actually-have molten-cum.’

Honestly, doesn’t this jackass know that I’m on vacation? Or, you know, in the middle of a somewhat intense identity crisis/nervous breakdown? I don’t have time for parallel universe shenanigans. And, not that I want to tell hostile demonic, time-traveling, parallel universe gangsters how to spend their time but, do they always have to come bother me? Tsuna’s the protagonist they can go bug him for once...

Not that I want to wish gangsters on Bro-Bro.

It’s just that he reliably has at least one or two nuclear deterrents with him at all times.

And also I’m sick of getting typecast as the damsel in distress.

I fix Zakuro with the iciest glare that I can muster under the circumstances as his expression flickers through confusion, embarrassment, murderous rage before he finally settles into a burst of maniacal laughter. Unsettling, but it provides a decent cover for the sound of Lambo’s little fingers hitting a button on my phone followed by a click.

And a faint voice that sends a wash of relief through my entire body. Not that we're out of the woods yet, but just knowing that Reborn is sort of with us in spirit (and in eaves-dropping) makes me feel so much better.

My Padawan has learned well. As a Bloodhound Scout I shall bestow upon him his subterfuge level one patch.

Now I just need to pray that Zakuro doesn’t notice our new wire situation. Hopefully, he will just be thrilled that he doesn’t have to listen to the electronic bops going off every thirty seconds and won’t think of the whole MacGyver’d wire thing we have set up on our end.

But, really, what’s the worst he can do?

Kill Lambo.

Burn off my face.

Contact his, quite frankly, terrifying boss who seems to be trying to get a jump start on global conquest.

That was Byakuran’s deal right?

...

Help~

“Fucking hell,” Zakuro hoots as he turns his manic attention fully onto me, “He wasn’t kidding when he said you were brutal.”

I can’t really do much to avoid getting cuffed across the head in my current position. It smarts a little it jostles me, but it’s doesn’t make any part of me burn. Which is nice... and I guess sort of answers the jerking off question.

I flinch a little as he messes up my hair, even more than it already is, and I resist the urge to sink more into the rabid squirrel routine and bite his fucking hand.

“Relax, Idjit, I’ll let you have this one for free,” He leers at me, “Ya got me fair and square.”

“So good to know that my fucking kidnapper has comedy standards.”

“And he keeps going,” He laughs as his gaze shifts slightly, “I’m glad, for a second there I thought I might’ve nabbed the wrong one.”

“What? Vongola Decimo isn’t good enough for ya?” I taunt incredulously. I’m a little insulted on Bro-Bro’s behalf.

Zakuro shrugs as he sprawls out across the backseat. His irritatingly long legs encroaching into my personal space bubble.

“He said ‘it isn’t time for Decimo to play his part,” Zakuro says as he turns away to look out the window, “Don’t worry though. Your ‘Bro-Bro’ isn’t going to be left out.”

“... What?” My voice comes out cold and stilted.

While my brain is still somewhat affected by the static I am pretty sure that Zakuro and Millefiore equals Byakuran. Thanks to Mukuro traumatically jumpstarting my memories I’m a little bit clearer with the progression of events that could have happened in this timeline if things had progressed without me.

Including ridiculous time travel to take down a global dictator that was fucking with the balance of the universe. Honestly, I don’t really remember much of that story. It hadn’t made much sense to me then, and when I had tried to bring up the topic of a time-traveling bazooka and alternate timelines to Concetta she had just laughed at me.

Loudly.

For a really long time.

I try not to push too much with the time travel shit. Thinking about it always leaves me feeling like I’m about to have an aneurism. Lucky for me Lambo tends to keep fucking with the continuum to a minimum when he’s around me. Though Tsuna and the guys have had their fair share of encounters with ‘adult Lambo’ while I had my own shit to deal with.

I don’t remember any of them mentioning an imminent time war though. And that feels like one of those things that I would have latched on to. If only for my fascination with science fiction and the headache that any mention of a time war would undoubtedly give me.

Byakuran... is powerful and dangerous.

“What’s that supposed to mean!?” I demand when Zakuro continues to fucking ignore me.

And he wanted something with the Tri-in-sette which is a whole bunch of NO. There have been too many attempts to fuck with the delicate balance of reality as it is and I would really like the get Reborn (who may or may not be Renato) untangled from all of it before some megalomaniacal dictator decides to go poking at it.

If that is what’s happening.

I’ve already learned my lesson about making assumptions based on my ‘foresight.’

...

It probably goes without saying but I don’t like any part of this. I don’t like the part where I’ve been kidnapped. I don’t like the part where Lambo was brought along to threaten me with. I don’t like the feeling of cold fingers tugging on the strings inside my head to whisper at me. And I certainly don’t like the implied threat against Tsuna.

But the thought of anyone, let alone a guy who has the power to transplant people into parallel universes an in at least one of those universes will grow up to become a fucking global dictator, having a ‘role’ for my brother is creepy.

And a little too soon after the last bout of creepiness.

I’m really hoping these ‘plans’ don’t involve body jacking. We already did that horror trope to death. 

“Relax, Idjit,” Zakuro laughs like a condescending prick, “you never know, you might even like it.”

“And that doesn’t sound threateningly suggestive at all. Are you sure you aren’t about to whip it out?” I snark.

Great, that isn’t ominous at all.

* * *

* * *

Hey, Me? Any more helpful advice?

.. **. I fucking hate wibbly wobbly timey wimey bullshit.**

Are you the Doctor now?

* * *

* * *

The car takes a hard left off the byway and the last remnants of the industrial district start to fade into small scattered residences and rolling farmlands as we roll onto Expressway Seven. My ... favourite Expressway. I always love seeing the disturbing imagery advertising ‘Heaven’s Gate’ emblazoned on twenty-foot billboards.

The decayed roadsigns announcing 150 km to Kokuyo Land, because no one bothered to take them down after our neighbouring town was destroyed.

And the looming closer and closer the Western Peak of Mount Namimori.

It doesn’t take long for the greenery to vanish and the landscape around Expressway Seven to turn dry and brown. The earth out here is scorched the ground caked and cracked with expansive fissures that look like spiderwebs.

I suddenly like this impromptu field trip even more than I did before.

Which was, not at all.

“So, since I, apparently, have to pick up the ball since you were too cheap to spring for inflight entertainment,” I snark breaking the somewhat awkward silence, “Any idea how much longer this kidnapping will be going on for? Rough estimate, so I know how much material to jam into my routine. There are a limited number of destinations out this way.”

“Nice try, Idjit.”

“Not really joking, dude. There are only like three places you can go on this road; a ghost town, and extremely dangerous mountain trail that is prone to tectonic shifts and landslides, and a funhouse attraction.”

And he just yawns at me.

Fucking asshole.

If you’re going to murder me at least act interested in the process.

I scowl at him.

It’s times like these that I’m glad that my fight or flight response is a little screwy. It makes it so much easier to compartmentalize the terror and move on to being pissed off and self-righteous.

“Just sit tight, kid,” He says, “This will be over soon enough.”

I just continue to scowl at him as his eyes drift shut. He’s not sleeping. The heaviness of the flames that he’s putting out is proof enough of that, but this is a pretty obvious ‘I’m sick of playing now so shut up before you piss me off again.’

Fine.

I don’t particularly want to talk to him anyway.

Though it would have been nice if he had let anything at all drop about our final destination.

You know, so the rescue team that’s eavesdropping right now will have something better than Expressway seven to go on.

I glance down at Lambo who has my cellphone open and angled in such a way to best avoid notice and yet pick up most of the conversation. The call has been going for a while now. And while there aren’t any more frantic voices coming from the other side I can make out the distinctive rumbling of a motorcycle.

Cavalry is on the way I guess.

I have a terrible feeling that there is a Cave Troll with them, but beggers can’t be choosers. I glance back through the rear window hoping to catch a glimpse of Kyoya’s ridiculous ride rumbling up the Expressway behind us.

“This almost reminds me of that time in Death Valley. When we found Sam...”

It comes out barely a whisper as I stare out onto the charred landscape. I hadn’t been a field agent. But every so often the need arose and I ended up having to stare into some aspect of the abyss. And Ren would always come find me without fail. No matter how lost in the dark I got.

‘ **I’ll admit** ,’ Lichi says as she curls around my neck, her entire body thrumming with energy as whatever Zakuro did finally starts to wear off, ‘ **It has been exciting watching the hero’s work. We never understood why you liked them so much.** ’

* * *

* * *

Ten minutes later the car finally rolls to a stop. It pulls off the main road kicking up a cloud of dust as we pass beneath the flickering neon sign. The arching letters lighting up at halted intervals beneath the massive technicolor visage of a three-headed hound.

“Heaven’s Gate.”

“It looks more like the gates of hell to me,” Zakuro says suddenly leaning in way too close and sending my heart rate back into panic mode. “Thought it was some Japanese thing.”

It’s really not.

And he’s not too far off. The driveway up to the parking lot is lined with the husks of long-dead trees. The bark is the colour of rust and there is an energy around them that just feels sick. Just passing by them in the car makes my stomach hurt.

Beyond the trees there are fixtures built into the caky Earth. Basins of concrete and stone, what I assume was once a garden of some sort but is now filled with dry red clay. The advertisement company should really start doing their research because Heaven’s Gate looks nothing like the commercials on TV.

I am really glad that we decided to have Hayato’s birthday party at Take Sushi now. I’m pretty sure if we decided to have it here we would have ended up living out some campy 80’s horror movie.

“Don’t try anything stupid, Idjit,” Zakuro says as he grabs me around my upper arm and hauls both me and Lambo out of the car in one smooth motion.

As if our combined weight amounts to that of a can of beans.

“Ow! Fuck, you could have just said get out of the car. You don’t have to keep getting all handsy.”

I do my best to keep a hold on Lambo as my body is forcibly pulled out of it’s balled up position. My legs are all pins and needles as my feet are planted on the ground and for a moment I’m stumbling around like a newborn foal.

I really want to kick his ass.

“You’re a tricky one, Sawada,” drawls the driver lightly accented Japanese as she exits the car and gives us a cursory look over the hood, “He was warned not to let you out of arms reach. Gives you too much to ‘improvise’ with.”

She looks different than the last time I saw her, but there is absolutely no doubt in my mind that this is the same woman that had us all running for our lives during the summer training camp with the Doll-Face and the Cavallone boys. The distinctive pattern of burn scars that cross the left side of her face. The carrot-orange hair. The cane.

This is... Ginevra Rosco.

Dino’s personal chauffeur.

His storm guardian.

And the woman who has been missing in action for weeks now. Ever since all that shit went down with Della Rosa framing Dino and Dad sicing Vongola’s murder squad and half the alliance on them.

“Nice seeing you again, Baby Vongola,” Ginevra says with a smile that doesn’t seem to twist the scar tissue on the left side of her face quite as bad as it did the last time we met and a voice that doesn’t sound like she has been eating a box of cigars daily.

“Dino’s been worried sick about you,” I blurt out, forgetting everything else. “He thinks you’re dead! What the hell are you doing hanging out with this asshat!?”

Ginevra cocks her head to the side thoughtfully before her smile softens.

“Dino... Dino will understand when his time comes,” she says as she rounds the car with a limp that isn’t as pronounced, “We will be reunited when the time is right.”

* * *

* * *

**Well... That’s unsettling.**

Oh, really? You think?!

* * *

* * *

“Uh huh,” I say and try to backpedal, forgetting that Zakuro has me in a vice grip, “That’s nice. But you know what would be nicer? If we forgot about this whole kidnapping thing, ditched this guy, and head back to see Dino. Seriously, he’ll be thrilled to see you. I bet he’ll even forgive whatever the fuck this has been.”

“I have already been forgiven,” She intones, “I am clean.”

* * *

* * *

Riiiiight.

**Does she look kinda... high to you?**

* * *

* * *

Ginevra reaches out and gently tilts my chin up so that our eyes meet. Which, ow, because of burn. But it also gives me a closer look at her and, yeah, she looks kinda high.

But also she looks shiny? Which might be because of all the white she’s wearing. It feels like more than that though. Like looking at someone through an opalescent filter.

And there’s something else.

It’s too... quiet.

Lichi bristles on my shoulder and hisses at her.

‘ **Don’t touch him!** ’

Ginevra releases me and steps back.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to offend,” her gaze flickers up to Zakuro, “You weren’t supposed to harm him. HE won’t be pleased.”

Zakuro doesn’t answer, but I felt him flinch.

* * *

* * *

**So, I know it’s against your nature because it’s against mine, but try not to do anything stupid. Kay?**

You’re not any help at all you know that?

**I’m plenty helpful.**

* * *

* * *

“Fratello,” Lambo interrupts, “Lambo-sama is hungry.”

“Uhhhh.”

I give him a helpless kind of look because... I’m not anywhere close to being in control of this situation. We are 90 km out of town. I have no money, and even if I did Heaven’s Gate looks more like a horror movie set than an actual functional entertainment attraction.

“I don’t have anything on me, kiddo.”

“LAMBO-SAMA WANTS SNACKS!” He shouts and I wince as my phone is thrown to the ground with a crack.

It’s fine. Nothing that can’t be replaced. It just would have been nice to have kept our rescue party on the line as an extra security feature.

I admire this kid's resilience and ability to bounce back, but now really isn’t the best time for a tantrum.

“I don’t suppose either of you has a chocolate bar? Fruit snack? Something? Or did you drive us out into no man’s land to starve us to death?”

“Now ain’t that just impolite of us leaving y'all out here cold and hungry.”

A drum roll.

* * *

* * *

**Be chill. This is going to get fucked so be chill. **

Says the fucking voice in my head.

* * *

* * *

All three of us nearly jump out of our skin as the large double doors to the Heaven’s Gate Fun Complex slam open to reveal an old man.

An old man who I had once know very well because he had at one point been my Grandpa’s constant companion. 

He’s the one who-

* * *

* * *

“ _Breathe! Breathe you, ridiculous little boy!_ ”

* * *

* * *

Yamaguchi Minatozaki.

...

**Guardian of the Gates to the Underworld**.

He’s the one-

* * *

* * *

“ _Stop that! Find the connections. Match the rhythm. KEEEP. THAT. INSIDE.”_

* * *

* * *

He barks madly with laughter as we all turn wide eyes on him. A crooked man with dark wrinkled skin and wild white hair. His eyes are buggy. His hands are craggy. And he is dressed in a long white robe that has been ‘decorated’ with splatters of red.

“Y'all are late,” He declares with a click of his tongue as he descends the steps.

Though he doesn’t so much descend as he skitters like a demented spider moving faster than any of us can register apparently, because one moment he’s at the top of the steps and the next he’s right next to me grinning up at Zakuro like a mad dog.

* * *

* * *

“ _You drug yourself back this far, my boy. I didn’t do that. Just a little further and we’ll put you back together. Good as new. Better even._ ”

...

“ _S’all right kiddo,” Yama-chi sobs as he bleeds his life and lightning into me, “I’ve got’ya._ ”

* * *

* * *

Rough calloused fingertips grip my face gently and I’m too stunned to struggle so I let Yama-chi tilt my head from side to side. He lets out a low rumbling growl as he catches sight of the fresh burn across my jaw and neck.

“Oi, what the fuck are you doing here you old fart!” Zakuro snaps, “You’re supposed to be watchi-“

Zakuro’s rant transforms into a scream as Yama-chi snaps forward with a growl. I use my free arm to hold Lambo tightly as I’m nearly pulled off my feet before I’m suddenly released.

Wet spots of red plop against the dry ground before being sucked down leaving nothing but rusty stains.

Zakuro is screaming and swearing. Ginevra shouts and draws her sword.

And Yama-chi grins with two dismembered fingers sticking out between sharp teeth.

“I’m pretty sure we was fairly clear about the stipulations of our contract, boy,” Yama-chi says after spitting the fingers out. “You weren’t to lay a hand on him. An’ I can dis-tinctly see your handprint.”

I feel Lambo twisting around in my arms to get a better look at what’s going on. I don’t really have the presence of mind to stop him, what with being wrapped up in the rapidly escalating action before me.

“THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU!?” Zakuro roars and lunges as everything around us starts burning and breaking apart.

Yama-chi stomps his foot down on the fingers and howls. A howl that makes the ground quake and a massive pillar of lightning crashes down from the heavens and slams into Zakuro.

“Just sit your ass down there, boy, and be glad I’m in a merciful mood and that you’re still needed at the moment.”

He slings one heavily muscled arm around my shoulders protectively and before I can think to move away or question I’m swept up into a drum duet our rhythms matching so perfectly that it’s impossible for me not to feel safe.

Home.

This is the man that gramps used to jokingly call his dog.

The man that helped save my life.

He grins at Lambo with bloody teeth and because Lambo is a certain kind of baby monster and more like us than I know how to deal with he laughs.

Mafia babies can be scary creatures.

“You was hungry right munchkin?” He says as he nudges the fingers with his bare toes, “I can fry these up in some barbecue sauce.”

“Yuck!” Is Lambo’s immediate rational reaction to the temptation of fucking cannibalism.

What the fuck.

What is this fucking escalation?

Did I drink myself into a coma?

Is this a coma nightmare?

I let him usher us forward and we come to a stop next to Zakuro who is groaning and smoldering on the ground. Yama-chi rolls his eyes and kicks him in his side.

“Get up ya lazy mongrel,” he orders, “Ya still have work to do. That was nothin’. That was hardly a nibble. ‘Nari here took twice that and went off to take on the corrupted spawn of Dionysus.”

He keeps prodding at Zakuro with his foot before our paradox man finally starts to rouse.

“Up before I decide to cast some bigger stones at’cha. HE was benevolent enough to give you another chance boy. You best tread lightly orHE might need to think about upgrading to a better model.”

Apparently, that is enough to get him up on his feet looking wild-eyed and frantic as he clutches his bleeding hand to his chest.

“Get on then you fat-headed reptile. Before you really make me lose my temper.”

The threat is accompanied by a roll of thunder that I can feel rumbling beneath my feet.

Zakuro looks like he wants to say something. Or try to hit the very old man who just kicked his ass. Or maybe like he’s about to throw up. I can say from experience that getting hit with that much voltage is not fun.I think this has been a very good learning experience for him personally. And if I currently had the ability to speak I would be taunting him about it.

As it stands I’m a little tongue-tied.

“You have everything in order, sister?” Yama-chi asks Ginevra as she saunters up next to Zakuro. The brass end of her cane clicking against the ground with each step.

“Yes.”

“Be-eau-tiful~ Make sure that the hothead here doesn’t lose it again. He needs the Light’s guidance more than I thought.”

Light?

Far be it from me to judge my goddamn kidnappers, but this is starting to feel a little cult-y to me.

“Of course,” Ginevra’s clothes smolder slightly as she laces her free arm through Zakuro’s, but the disintegration stops at a point. “Come, Zakuro, it’s almost your time to stand in judgment. To see if your efforts have proven true.”

He sneers at her. The ring on his finger glinting dangerously and dripping with blood.

“I don’t need a newbie like you mouthing off about my ‘efforts.’”

Yama-chi laughs and starts heading me forward toward the abyssal entrance to the ‘Heaven’s Gate Fun Complex.’ I try to dig my heels into the ground to slow our progress even a little bit. I’m desperately holding on to the hope that Reborn somehow managed to overhear our destination before the call was unceremoniously ended.

“Hey, can I at least grab my phone?” I ask desperately.

Anxiously.

Hysterically.

“Phone?” Yama-chi asks, “Sonny you’re not going to need a phone where we’re going.”

That doesn’t sound threatening at all~

“What if my Mama calls? I was supposed to have the kids back by three. She’s gonna be wondering where we ar-GH!”

I’m unceremoniously shoved through the doors and seconds later plunged into total darkness as Yama-chi slams the doors behind us. Bolts and locks scrape momentarily before my new captor is at my side his fuzzy snout pressing against my ear as he bends in close.

... what the fuck was in that sake?! Fucking LSD?!

“WAHHHHHHH!” Lambo yells, “DARK!”

“Shhh, Don’t worry it’s okay,” I soothe, “We’re on a quest, right? We just have to beat the dungeon and then we can go home kay.”

I’m grasping at straws. I don’t know what’s going on. I don’t know what these guys want from me. But this kid is counting on me right now. So I have to make this at least somewhat bearable for him. Somehow.

“You’re so much like Pluto, Minerva,” Yama-chi says, “You both always liked the games. You’re kinder though. That’s why HE chose you. That’s why he’s going to help.”

I’m starting to get a really bad vibe here.

Worse than before I mean.

I have so many questions, like; who is HE? What the fuck do you all want? What the fuck is going on?

They all die in my throat as a light switch flicks on and the room that I’ve been pushed into comes briefly into focus-

* * *

* * *

**DON’T LOOK!**

* * *

* * *

Too late.

I see.

And then the world is static.

‘ **Darling, stay with-** ‘

And I scream as I feel my EYES.

‘ **Hold him! I can-** ‘ Booms the dragon.

And I scream as I feel the VOID.

I scream as I’m torn in three directions and I hang on to dear life to the only thing in the universe that is strong enough to keep the pieces from scattering to the four winds.

* * *

* * *

‘ **Inari**?!’

‘Tsuna!’

* * *

* * *

“I am sorry, Inari,” Cerberus says from everywhere and nowhere, “I helped to make Humpty Dumpty out of you. Pluto said we were helping. But he lied. He LIED. We’re going to make you better.”

“W-what?”

I am vaguely aware that we aren’t where we were before. And I’m even more aware that we aren’t alone. Zakuro and Ginevra are looming over me in this enormous cavernous room backlit by a pool of pearlescent light radiating from the floor.

“Fratello,” Whines Lambo, and I look around madly for him when I realize that he’s no longer in my arms. And that I can’t move my legs.

Different, but equally upsetting things to worry about.

Where did Lichi go?

“Stop struggling, boy, you are needed to break the lock.”

I have to blink my eyes a few times to bring the rest of the room into focus. We’re not in Heaven’s Gate. This isn’t any room in a building. This is an underground cave, a cavern.

“NO! YOU’RE BAD!”

There are five figures of various sizes with hoods tied over their faces that are being held in place by smiling men and women dressed in white who don’t seem even the least bit moved by the muffled shouts and thrashing.

One of the captives is missing an arm.

One of them is very small and hardly moving.

And all five of them are slowly bleeding a spectrum of colour into the ground accompanied by a low droning sound. Three notes played at a frequency that is almost painful.

“You’ll all be blessed by the glory of the Lord of Light. He shall cleanse you and make you anew.”

Holy fuck.

HOLY FUCK!

“Is this actually a cult?!” I demand, “You have to tell me if this is a cult or else it’s entrapment!”

Yama-chi ignores me and starts walking with Lambo to a gap in the circle of terror.

“Hey! Stop! Get your hands off of him!”

“You’re taking too long with this, Old Man,” Zakuro grumbles.

“Don’t worry, Hot Head,” Yama-chi says as he sets Lambo down on the ground and walks to the one-armed figure next to him and takes off her hood. “This place is hidden by the Tri-ni-sette. No one can find it unless they know where it is.”

Gabriella shakes her head and starts looking around in confusion. Our eyes meet and she tries to launch to her feet, but just like me it looks like her legs aren’t working either.

He goes to the next figure and takes off the hood and-

...

“Red?”

“... I-Inari-san?”

“Long time no see, dude, been a while since the last time we were kidnapped by a psychotic cultist.”

“Cultist!?”

“Now really isn’t the time for pleasantries,” Gabriella snaps as she glares daggers into the back of Zakuro’s head.

“Now is the perfect time for pleasantries,” I giggle hysterically, “We might as well get to know each other before we’re sacrificed to the fucking Lord of Light or whatever fucking douche set this shit up.”

The hood on the figure next to Red is ripped off and my heart stops and I proceed to have a ten-second freak out at the sight of Mukuro-who-should-be-in-Vendice-custody right now. And then I realize that, no, that is not Mukuro. That is a girl.

A girl who looks remarkably like Mukuro.

* * *

* * *

**Chrome. Or Nagi, I guess.**

I’m glad at least one of us remembers this shit. But while I have you WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING RIGHT NOW?!

* * *

* * *

She looks around the group looking a hell of a lot more chill than I feel considering she’s been kidnapped by a fucking murder cult.

“Umm, e-excuse me,” She stumbles, “Where are we?”

“Don’t worry Nagi-chan,” Red says super heroic like, “We’re going to get out of here somehow... Right?”

“Why are you looking at me?” I snap at him.

Yama-chi stops next to the tiny figure on the ground and removes her hood.

I-pin!?

“I-PIN!” Lambo shouts.

I blink at him in bewilderment.

How the heck does he know... oh, time travel.

She’s not moving.

It looks like she’s hardly breathing.

“Good timing,” Yama-chi says with a click of his tongue, “Any longer and this one woulda run out’a juice.”

Oh god.

Oh god. Oh fuck.

“Is she breathing?” I call over to Nagi who is the closest one to I-pin’s unmoving body.

Nagi leans over as much as she can since she too seems to have been struck by the whole ‘immobilized legs thing.

“Yes, she’s breathing.”

The last hood is removed and Hibari Kira starts looking around the cavernous space wildly.

“We’re all ready now,” Yama-chi says, as he steps into the circle, “Bring him here.”

Zakuro makes a face before he bends down to pick me up by the collar of my shirt and proceeds to drag me toward Yama-chi who is standing at the center of the technicolor rainbow nightmare. The closer I get the louder the sound of the song becomes. So loud that I can’t hear any of my fellow victims screaming.

“Don’t worry,” Yama-chi smiles, “You won’t feel a thing.”

There’s something rumbling down in the dark tunnel and a blindingly bright light. Heralded by a trumpet scream.

“TSU!”

And then he’s pushing me down into the miasma of light and colour.

Lambo screams.

And I guess someone forgot to frisk him for weapons. Because my mouth fills with the taste of chemical purple, the world rocks off its axis, and with a KABOOM of cotton candy pink I’m swallowed whole.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Every so often my brain will decide to kick into overdrive and be all like : ‘Here are a million ideas for stories that you can be writing right now! What do you mean you’re working on something else? No your going to think about all these shiny new things and get lost in the land of plot bunnies and tangents.’ Last week was one of those weeks. But on the plus side I got to do some backstory-ing for Inari and the Arcobaleno from the ‘world before.’ 
> 
> As for Inari...
> 
> Our boy has problems. The more noticeable one is probably his ongoing issue with his temporal/spacial location (the downside of this whole reincarnation business) The other being this persistent issue with improbable probabilities. Seriously, he’s going to need to do something about this or soon he’ll be stuck in fifth dimensional space...
> 
> And as always I love hearing from you all! So let me know Questions? Comments? Theories? 
> 
> Until next time friends 🥰


	41. All the King’s Horses and All the King’s Men

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Do you still think this is a fairy tale?

If someone had told Tsuna a year ago that he would be riding on the back of a motorcycle going a hundred and fifty kilometres an hour he would have called them crazy.

If they had then gone on to tell him that said motorcycle would be driven by none other than the demon prefect Hibari Kyoya he would have laughed (somewhat hysterically) and started slowly backing away.

If this person had then gone on to explain that they would be joined by two assassins who have been cursed into comical infant bodies and that one of these cursed men would have (by the present moment that he is now LIVING in) irrevocably altered the course of Tsuna’s life by training him to become a mafia boss of all things (and being his brother’s self proclaimed HUSBAND?!!) Tsuna would have directed this very crazy person to Namimori General’s Neurology Department.

If this hypothetical fortune teller had kept following him around and told him that this was all because his brother had gone and gotten himself kidnapped by some sort of brainwashed cult...

He would have immediately started listening, because that is exactly something that Inari would get himself dragged into.

His brother likes to joke that Tsuna was the accident prone one out of the two of them. And that might have been at least a little true. Tsuna was certainly the one who was more likely to hurt himself doing something normal like walking down a flight of stairs, or walking in a straight line, or smacking himself in the back of the head with a baseball bat, or getting smacked between the legs with a volleyball, or getting his nose broken by a basketball (this is why he doesn’t now nor will he ever play sports). But Inari is the one who will get attacked by swamp monsters living in the Namimori sewage system and kidnapped by doomsday cults trying to open doors.

It’s happened before!

More than once!

‘ _Yes, the Professor does have a rather prodigious talent for getting himself into trouble Kufufufufu~_ ’

‘Shut up,’ Tsuna thinks furiously at the irritating voice that refuses to leave him alone, ‘you’re just as bad as the rest of them. Worse!’

_‘I only ever wanted what was best for him, Decimo,_ ’ Mukuro replies and Tsuna feels an alien crush of water in his lungs that he knows doesn’t come from him, ‘ _which is more than can be said for most._ ’

‘Go away. You’re distracting and I hate you. So unless you have something helpful to say stop bothering me.”

‘ _So cruel, Vesta~_ ’

Tsuna resolutely doesn’t reply to the psychotic reality bending murderer in his head. He doesn’t know who this Vesta person is either but the name feels oddly familiar

He doesn’t have long to try and break it down and work it out. He lets out an involuntary shriek of terror as Hibari takes a corner way to fast to be safe.

“Quiet, Dame-Tsuna,” Reborn orders with his cell phone pressed tight to his ear looking just as stressed as Tsuna fees.

“S-sorry,” He apologizes reflexively.

Tsuna has no idea how Reborn can hear anything through the receiver while they are riding through this hellish wind vortex, but his tutor (?), friend (never), future-brother-in-law (why Inari~) insists that he can.

Which was apparently good enough for the other weird baby-man who had politely introduced himself as Fon.He seems nice enough, and Tsuna likes him immediately because he’s never quite seen Reborn looking so horribly awkward than when he was greeting Fon.

There’s a backstory there, but Tsuna is going to let Inari go through the trouble of uncovering it and then get the cliff notes later. It’s enough to know that Reborn can be just as much as a socially inept moron as Tsuna is sometimes.

He is going to treasure that awkward encounter for the rest of his life.

Reborn deserves it after working him like a slave driver for all these months and dragging him into so many uncomfortable and unpleasant situations.

The bike swerves dangerously as the pass into the dust and clay.

“HIEEEEEEE!!!” Tsuna shrieks even louder this time and clings so tight to Hibari’s midsection that he hears the other boy let out a somewhat pained huff of air. Not something Tsuna particularly wants to hear from the guy driving this death trap.

“Herbivore,” Hibari warns dangerously.

“Sorry,” He whines, “Sorrysorrysorry~”

“Keep it together, Tsuna,” Reborn says, a little calmer than before but Tsuna thinks he can read the signs of impending chaos and destruction better than just about anyone at this point. The tiny hitman leans forward on Hibari’s shoulder, “They’re somewhere called ‘Heaven’s Gate,” He says.

Heaven’s Gate... With the crazy organ stealing guy that Inari was on the phone with last month.

Of course.

Of course it was that guy who was involved in all this. Tsuna had even known back then that Inari shouldn’t have been talking to him or telling him his name. It’s never a good sign when they want to know names.

At this point Tsuna suspects that his best best for keeping Inari out of trouble and keeping the forces of unholy darkness out of Namimori is to actually go all in on this mafia boss thing. Surrender to the chaos or whatever. Because apparently he is going to need nothing less than an army of fire wielding criminals to make sure they all stay safe.

* * *

* * *

Screaming.

Screaming there is suddenly so much screaming. And if Tsuna wasn’t appropriately terrified before he is now.

“INARI!?”

“TSUNA!”

His vision blacks and he sees scribbles like a child’s drawings of bodies twisting into impossible shapes. Pained and dying and screaming. Seven stonesthat look suspiciously like pacifiers.

Eyes and hands and eyes.

So many eyes.

‘ _Take it from someone who knows, Decimo,_ ’ Mukuro purrs, ‘ _You don’t want to be looking to closely at that~_ ”

* * *

* * *

Tsuna snaps back to awareness with his face much to close to the high speed pavement for comfort and two sets of small hands tugging him back upright.

“Tsunayoshi!” Reborn snaps and Tsuna sits up so fast that he probably gave himself and everyone else on this death trap whiplash. He hates it when Reborn uses his full name. It’s always a sure sign that things are about to go from bad to worse.

“They’re going down,” Tsuna gasps.

“What?”

Tsuna shakes his head to try and clear some of the muddled thoughts and the irritating ‘Kufufus’ that Mukuro refuses to shut up with and meets Reborn’s very unsettling button-like eyes.

“Inari and Lambo,” He says, “Whoever has them is taking them down, like, into the ground or something. Sorry, I don’t know more...”

Reborn makes a very complicated face. A cross between rage and worry and Tsuna feels a strange level of kinship with him right now. They both desperately love an idiot who has a tragic habit of finding himself in peril on a weekly basis.

The centres of his eyes do that terrible thing where they turn into high beams and Tsuna does his very best to keep from panic flinching. He’s getting better at it Kyoko is always low-key glowing with barely bridled power these days so he’s a little more used to it than he was.

... It probably says something that he and Inari have very similar tastes in romantic partners. He doesn’t know what it is nor does he particularly want to find out... but it’s weird enough that even HE noticed its there.

“It’s fine,” Reborn says as he aggressively pockets his phone, “If they didn’t leave the secondary location it will just be a matter of finding which path they went down.”

Tsuna watches as Reborn and Fon-san trade a very intense look across Hibari-san’s shoulders. It would be funny if it was anyone else. As it stands Tsuna has the distinct feeling that he is starting at some sort of terrifying tiered monster.

“Thank you, Tsunayoshi-san,” Fon-san says, “You and Kyoya have been very helpful thus far.”

“Quiet,” Hibari-san demands, “Before change my mind and bite you all to death here.”

“Hieeee~” Tsuna whines and desperately wishes that he had gone with his first impulse to call Dino-nissan to ask for a ride. Or agreed to let Hayato hot-wire the car at least that way he’d be with Hayato and Takeshi right now and not trapped here with all these terrifying monsters.

Not that Hayato and Takeshi can’t be monsters too.

They’re just cuter and nicer monsters that Tsuna trusts implicitly because he knows that they aren’t going to attack him out of nowhere. And they will both keep an eye on Futa for him while he does this ridiculous stupid thing to save Inari.

Takeshi wanted to come along.

Takeshi is so mad at Inari.

He was threatening to handcuff himself to him, but that made Reborn really angry for.... oh...

Tsuna really doesn’t want to know about these things. The intuition is useful but lately he’s been discovering all sorts of things about his friends and family that he really wishes he didn’t know.

Fon-san laughs.

“So prodigious. Don’t you think so ‘Reborn?’”

Reborn snorts, “He certainly is a piece of work.”

Which absolutely horrifies Tsuna. Why does Reborn have to do these things? Why does he have to poke ever single dangerous thing that so much as walks past him?

He and Inari really are perfect for each other, aren’t they?

‘ _And you’re a disgusting romantic aren’t you, Decimo?_ ’

“Please stop~” Tsuna begs everyone (present and imaginary) as he fees Hibari-san’s muscles tense dangerously.

He really doesn’t want to get bitten to death right now, or ever really. Or have to witness the bloodbath that is sure to follow if Reborn and Hibari-san actually fought... Tsuna is one hundred percent sure Reborn would wipe the floor with him but he doesn’t really need any more confirmation that his tutor is the most terrifying person that he has ever met.

... Also Inari would be upset if he missed the chance to watch them both in action.

* * *

* * *

They arrive at Heaven’s Gate in record time. If there is such thing as a record for traveling from central Namimori to the middle of nowhere. Tsuna doesn’t think they’ve ever actually been to the ‘fun complex’ but he distinctly remembers driving past when Mom and ... Dad took them to Kokuyo Land back when he and Inari were really small.

That sign might actually be part of the reason why Tsuna is so terrified of dogs. He’s pretty sure that he has had nightmares of this giant, neon, three headed dog before.

“That’s the car,” Fon-san says, gesturing to the sleek white car parked in the lot. He hops off Hibari-san’s shoulder and lands on the roof of the pristine white car, “The engine is still warm, they haven’t been gone long.”

“I never would have guessed,” Reborn intones with a click of his tongue as he gives the car a once over.

“There really is no talking to you when you’re in a mood is there.”

“A mood?” Reborn twitches, Tsuna sees it happen, “You think I’m in a mood?”

Hieeeee~

Fon-san sighs, “There really wont be any talking to you until we find Tsuki and the children will there?”

This is so uncomfortable. Tsuna doesn’t even know why it feels so uncomfortable only that it does and he wants it to stop. Now. Please.

“You’re being rather blasé about all of this aren’t you?” Reborn snips, “I thought you would be a little more concerned about your student.”

“Um-“ Tsuna tries to interject as a terrible feeling starts to well up in his chest.

“I am concerned. I just realize that obsessing over something that can’t be changed is a pointless and self-destructive exercise. Besides, if Tsuki is with her now I really don’t have to worry, do I?”

“I never knew you were the type to foist your responsibilities on to others.”

“Hey-“ Tsuna tries again.

“I see it more as trusting someone to do what I cannot.”

Why... Why is everything about this conversation so tense and backhanded? This is starting to feel like a scene in a TV drama were ‘mom and dad’ are fighting... and that is wrong on so many levels.

Tsuna absolutely refuses to think of Reborn in anything remotely resembling parental terms. Refuses. Reborn is a terrible little gremlin man and nothing even remotely resembling ‘dad’ and if Tsuna ever slips up and calls him that he’s pretty sure they will both die.

Especially if it happens anywhere near Inari, because his brother is a jerk who’ll laugh about it until the end of time.

What kind of weirdo calls his twin brother’s maybe boyfriend ‘Dad?’

“And yet you didn’t even bother to let me know that you were having this problem at all,” Reborn says, completely ignoring Tsuna, “We could have avoided all of this if you had let me know that ANY of this was going on.”

Fon-san doesn’t answer, but Tsuna’s intuition is telling him that he feels guilty, and angry, and a little heartsick.

And Tsuna want absolutely nothing to do with this increasingly awkward encounter. He wants to burrow into the earth and die~ He can’t even watch scenes like this in movies without covering his ears and burrowing his face in someone’s shoulder until the awkwardness ends.

But also burrowing into the earth wouldn’t be a bad plan right now considering where Inari, Lambo, and Fon-san’s student are.

Hibari-san is loosing patience and this is probably the only time when he and Tsuna will ever be on the same page like this.

‘ _Who would have expected the Arcobaleno to be so petty? Kufufufu~_ ’

Still not helping, but Tsuna can’t deny that he has a point.

“We don’t have time for this!” Tsuna snaps letting the fire ignite in his head, in his hands. Letting the world become clearer until it verges on painful.

He feels Inari’s panic and confusion from below.

... He regrets everything he’s about to say, but he really needs Reborn to be on point for this and not distracted by whatever THIS is.

“I thought that you were a ‘professional hitman’ or whatever,” Tsuna taunts with confidence borrowed from his other half, “Or was that all just a bunch of bullshit dreamed up by a whiney baby?”

If looks could kill Tsuna would be a pile of ash on the ground right now.

‘ _So you do have teeth after all, Kufufufu~ I’m almost impressed_.’

“Wao~”

Tsuna really doesn’t want all these dangerous people staring at him right now. Or at the very least he wishes that he had more time to practice trash talk with Inari before he went and tested it on Reborn of all people.

“What was that, Dame-Tsuna?”

“You heard me!” Tsuna snaps, because apparently he has a newfound death wish, “Unless you don’t care about Inari at all URK-“

It’s not like he wasn’t anticipating getting punted off the motorcycle, but it still takes him somewhat by surprise when it happens so abruptly.

“Don’t you dare,” Reborn hisses in that voice that isn’t the usual pitchy way that he usually sounds. It’s the deeper baritone. The voice Tsuna supposes he had before he was cursed, “Don’t you dare even imply that I don’t-“

Reborn cuts himself off. His hands are trembling and he’s furious at Tsuna at himself at every aspect of this situation, with...

Tsuna has never felt more on the same page with his spartan tutor.

“He’s kind of jerk isn’t he?” Tsuna mumbles into the cushion of his arms as he stares down. Down to where he feels Inari getting pulled deeper and deeper.

Reborn doesn’t say anything, but Tsuna feels him sigh and the pressure on his back abate a little.

“He’s always been like that, you know? Always running around and throwing himself at things no matter how dangerous they are or how well he can handle them. Inari doesn’t stop... He never does. I keep trying to get him to slow down but he won’t. It doesn’t matter how many times I tell him that he can rely on me, that he can ask for help, he wont.”

“...He never changes,” Reborn says, and he sounds so terribly fond. Tsuna doesn’t know what the deal is with them. Or maybe he does, because sometimes he’ll look at Hayato and Takeshi and swear that he’s know them his entire life and longer. And since the day he met Kyoko he’s known that he’s going to love her for the rest of his life. And even through the haze that had ruled him for so long he had sometimes seen flashes of a woman with long red hair staring back at him backlit by dazzling light. It’s why he’s putting up with the monster that hurt his brother so bad that his head doesn’t seem to work right anymore.

“A jerk,” Tsuna says again and his teacher chuckles a little at that, “And he needs people to look out for him, because I don’t think he can actually do it for himself right now. And you weirdly seem to be able to keep up with him so... I need you to look after him when I can’t, okay?”

Ugh. Just asking feels weird and wrong on so many levels. But Reborn probably is the only person on the face of the planet that Tsuna can trust to make sure that Inari doesn’t completely go off the rails.

“Dame-Tsuna, don’t think you can order me around,” Reborn says. But through his intuition Tsuna hears ‘of course.’

“Right... We should probably go save everyone now.”

He pokes his head out of his arms and sees Fon-san giving a curious sad look.

“You’re all too noisy,” Hibari-san complains and revs the engine of the motorcycle, “Get on before I change my mind and go feast myself.”

Tsuna doesn’t need to be told twice. He scrambles on to the back of the death trap while trying very hard not to think about how Inari’s monologue about Hibari-san being a vampire makes so much more sense the longer he’s in his company.

“... Wait,” Tsuna says as the Hibari-san kicks off and the bike starts moving again, “We’re going into the building right?”

“You’re point being, herbivore?”

And Tsuna resigns himself to clinging for dear life as they crash through the large double doors into darkness.

* * *

* * *

There are certain scenarios that one expects upon being forcibly drug through the chaotic miasma of space-time against ones will. You know: the eleventh hour last ditch effort to turn the tides in the time war, fighting off an alien invasion, making peace with a cosmic horror...

Pinned underneath a very naked and aroused adult version of your cursed lover and taking advantage of the beautiful gift that the temporally displaced version of yourself bequeathed upon you and not questioning why a bazooka was included in the preceding bedroom activities~

Shut up, it totally happened.

And not only in a dream that I had during my tragic re-teenaged years. Although I had plenty of those to hold me over.

I hadn’t quite anticipated a hole.

... At least I think it’s a hole. It might be a pit or a shaft.

Either way being at the bottom of a rather deep and narrow hole in the ground isn’t really helpful in my quest to figure out where or when I am.There is a shimmering haze of pearlescent rainbow lights creating a miasma a few feet above me and the sound of screaming. Which doesn’t actually narrow things down all that much.

The fact that this set-up could apply to more than once instance in my past is telling of a terrible trend. I distinctly remember that I did eventually break the habit of following strange men into murder vans at some point, but it seems like little me has yet to learn that most important life lesson.

Which probably means that I... him... us... we.... ,god I fucking hate time-travel, is going to be spending a very interesting week tethered to our travel sided significant other.

Fun stuff~

There is some more screaming and commotion from above and a terrible droning sound. An unnatural frequency. A key.

Its the sound of familiar voices that get me off my ass and on to my bare feet. As far as pits of dark imprisonment go this isn’t the deepest though there is a concerning bit of dark wet something in the middle that I’m really glad that I didn’t land in in my current state.

I’m not exactly appropriately dressed to take on the forces of evil. Not saying that lingerie can’t be appropriate battle gear, according to some schools of thought it is the most powerful armour available. Unfortunately, I don’t think I crossed into that darkest fo timelines quite yet.

“FRATELLO!!!”

Ah, that sounds like my cue to get over the bullshit and attend to the crisis at hand.

So up through the unsettling pearlescent miasma of rainbow light I go, I suppose. This is ringing a bell. I’m just not quite sure which bell it’s ringing. There are so many miscellaneous bells that we’re popping up around this temporal loci what with my brain not being entirely where it should have been.

“YOU RUINED IT!” A terrible creaky voice howls, “YOU TERRIBLE VERMIN. WHAT DID YOU DO!?”

I hear a familiar shriek. One that I have started hearing more and more often as Lambo is aggressively pin-balled across the space-time continuum at the whim of his five-year-old self.I take the briefest moment to tie up the silk robe that the universe was kind enough to bestow upon my humble form before blinking up to the top of this impossibly long shaft.

I’m in one of the old parts of the Namimori mining system aren’t I?

“What did you do!?” Snarls and spits an old mad-dog as he shakes Lambo between his hands, “What did you do to Minerva you wretched little plague rat!?”

No, I really don’t think so.

I effortlessly scoop Lambo out of his grasp and twirl through the maze of chains anchored around the legs of all of the captives. This person is... Yamaguchi Minatozaki if memory serves.

Yama-chi.

“Minerva...?”

And, like, a few dozen other attendees decked out in the white on white Millefiore uniform looking looking drugged up and blissed out for the most part.

And they wonder why Sky Flames freak people out. Though Byakuran always took it to some truly ridiculous extremes.

“Hmm, probably not in the way you were expecting considering the set up you’ve got going on here~” I laugh as I pass behind Shoichi and ruffle his hair. He’s so tiny like this. It’s amazing.

“I-Inari-san!?” He squawks in mortification as his face goes bright red. Probably has something to do with the aforementioned lack of appropriate battle gear. “What happened!? Where did all your clothes go!?”

I don’t know if I should be flattered or insulted that I apparently so closely resemble my fifteen-year-old self. I’m pretty sure I have at least a few inches on my past self. And if not the heels should at least give the illusion of being the height of an adult man.

As it stands I should probably be more concerned that he, and everyone else in this human sacrifice are hemorrhaging flames at an alarming rate. The frequency is even more intense up here. Shoichi and the others have been forced into a perfect yet alien harmony. Removing Lambo disrupted is a little, but I can still hear the scratching at the other side of the door.

“Please, for the love of God, don’t go poking holes in the fabric of reality. That’s how we end up having velociraptors stoping by for tea, and dark mirror verse changelings swapping places with my nieces. And you know what you really don’t want? Fucking Vongola Decimo coming at you in a righteous fury,” I monologue to the audience of the devoted ‘followers.’

Storm is- Fuck, we’re loosing her fast.

“Well, that wont do.”

“What?”

Why do I hear the sound of a revving engine?

“Listen, Sho-chan, date night is date night. I don’t plan my evening fun around the possibility of getting sucked through a temporal vortex and shat out... where ever the fuck we are now,” I tell him as I zoom in on these intriguing chains wrapped around his legs. Where on earth had they managed to dig these relics up from? Somehow I very much doubt that the Vendice just hands out their holy weapons on demand.

“Sorry, that might have been a tad vulgar of me. But considering your current circumstances I think it’s fair to say that this situation deserves some sort of R-rating.”

The engine is getting closer.

I break the chain anchoring Shoichi to the Earth, to the Devourer of All Things and the hemorrhage of light and life immediately stops and he falls backward.

The outrage starts immediately.

“NO!” Cerberus snarls, “IT’S NOT DONE! IT NEEDS TO BE FED! IT NEEDS TO BE FIXED!”

“You need to calm the fuck down. There are children present.”

He lunges.

A blinding light breaks through the darkness.

I casually pull a confused and exhausted Shoichi and a mostly unconscious Lambo slightly to the left, next to a tiny little Nagi~, and watch.

Watch as a Harley comes roaring through the mouth of the cavern, heralded by my brother screaming in terror, and slams straight into the crazy old guy and sends him flying across the cavern.

“I agree about things needing to be fixed, but I really don’t think any of you have the proper credentials,” I say blandly as I set Lambo down on Shoichi’s lap, “congrats, Sho-chan, you have been promoted from unwilling human sacrifice to unwilling babysitter.”

“Um-“

“Great, thanks~” I tell him as I break the chains around Nagi’s legs.

She wilts and slumps over, but she manages to stay conscious. She’s a tough one even as a kid... or would it be especially as a kid.

“Thank-“

“Seriously, don’t mention it. Don’t actually think to hard about this at all. Wibbly reality isn’t really good for baby mists.”

I step past the three of them just as the commotion around the Harley really starts to kick up. I keep one eye on them as I crouch down next to I-pin’s unmoving body. Tsuna’s magic stick v.1 materializes in his hands in a flash of fire and he hits one of the swarming cultists in the sternum, pushes back and gets another in the gut, and then with one wide sweep trips another three on to their asses.

Where Kyoya proceeds to smack the shit out of all of them.

I’m pretty sure that I’m watching the origin of their epic team ups right now. I always wondered how that started.

There is entirely too much noise happening right now for me to catch what anyone is saying. I don’t really have time for that either. I break the chains grafted to I-pin and the entire frequency abruptly shifts to a deafening cacophony that has me shutting out the extra-planar hearing fast.

I hate it when that happens.

But, good news, it looks like she was the original anchor for this ill conceived ritual. With out her bass note the rest of the sacrifices stop hemorrhaging so much.

She’s going to need some attention though. And fast.

An array of sunlight bolts of light bust forth from a point and my eyes immediately find Ren, or I supposed he would still be going by Reborn at this point, who is violently dancing through the throng of Millefiore agents crowding around them.

The red flash, that is most certainly Fon, is a close second in terms of total damage. Watching them work together like this... such a familiar scene. Now we just need blondie to come flexing in trying to show them up.

I’m a little torn. I want to jump in and fuck shit up too~

But I’m probably more useful paying support right now. There’s enough instability here as it is. And from the looks of it Tsuna hasn’t gotten his hands on his infinity stone yet. Not that he couldn’t help me stabilize it regardless. But I don’t particularly feel like giving him the crash course in the universal balancing sheet right now.

Besides he and Kyoya are doing a great job taking pieces out of the Zakuro who most certainly doesn’t belong in this timeline.

What garbage is this?

“Yo, Sunshine,” I call out, the way that Ren immediately focuses in on me even though a miasma of technicolor light and chaos is adorable, “Mark 45, 87, and 128, please and thank you!”

The pinpoint accuracy is impressive. It always it and always will be. However, what is even more impressive is the fact that he hit each target with enough force to break the chains without damaging the rest of Team Human Sacrifices and all without taking his eyes off on me.

The unnatural frequency cuts out abruptly and with a sigh of relief Gabriella and Kyoya’s brother slump to the ground.

Cerberus lets out a wordless cry of rage as he lunges for Ren’s back only to get punted back to the dirt as Fon comes down hard on his back.

A human body was never meant to contain something like Cerberus. I never understood what moved Grandfather to shove those fragments of power on his ‘friends’ considering his distaste for humanity.

Or maybe I do.

He was always so desperate to cling to something that he only barely remembered.

“Thank you, dear,” I call over to Ren, who actually isn’t looking too good right now.

He’s still staring at me. His hands go limp at his sides and he looks stricken and helpless.

I blink and open my eyes. Just a little because there is something off with the way he froze.

I don’t particularly want to use them here. I don’t particularly want to forget... unless... for fuck sake. Little me better appreciate the things that I do for him.

With a heavy sigh I let the semi translucent hexagon of topaz light form in the palm of my hand and blow it like a kiss over to Ren. It’s easy to to triage up close, less interference.

Though looking at the circuitry of the Arcobaleno curse will never be anything less than unpleasant. And Leo will never be anything less than a neutron star in my eyes. They’re such show offs.

The eye flitters around in front of Ren and he flinches ever so slightly at the sight of it.

“Inari,” He says with a grimace.

A wall of indigo is woven behind his eyes and more slotted in strategic locations throughout his neural architecture. Half of them have holes blown through them, no doubt thanks to little me thoughtlessly tearing through every single thing in his path if he knew it or not. I’ll have to remember to pamper Ren a little more when I get home.

Whenever that might be.

It’s just about been ten minutes now.

“That’s my name, sweetheart,” I purr as I carry I-pin over to where he and Fon are standing, “Please feel free to say it as much as you want.”

The grimace changes into a look of fond exasperation, “Brat,” He says.

“Would you really want me any other way, lovey?”

He blinks before shoving the fedora down over his eyes, “Still a terrible brat even after all these years.”

I laugh, “You know it, Sweetheart~”

He rushes over to Gaby and starts poking and prodding at her only to be waved off by and exhausted and irritated young woman, “Lemme sleeeeeep, dad~” before she flops onto her side.

A true badass that can sleep through a fire fight. Though she would probably be much more alert if Ren wasn’t here. He’ll make sure that nothing else hurts her.

And immediately does as he shoots the fuck that comes charging at the two of them with so much force that they make a cartoonish dent in the wall.

Tsuna and Kyoya are really kicking ass right now the majority of the cult’s attention is on them now. The ones that are still somehow conscious are hollering about ‘kill the intruders,’ and, ‘the doorway must be opened,’ and ‘The Lord of Light will make you clean.’

Yuck.

I hope I switch back soon. Little me can deal with that asshole. Been there, done that, got the absurd and confusingly worded t-shirt to prove it.

I set I-pin down gently next to Fon and he’s immediately all over her.

“Thank you, Tsuki,” He says thickly as he rests a hand on her forehead, starting the soft transfusion of flames.

“Oh,” I grin, “That’s a name that I haven’t heard in awhile.”

“But one that you seem to know none the less.”

I hum as a torrent of red comes rushing toward us from a truly enraged Zakuro and don’t so much as blink as it crashes against the glittering hexagonal walls of the hive.

“Better luck next time, bitch!” I holler over at him.

Some of the fire bleeds upward to the... the giant glowing cocoon on the ceiling.

Fucking hell.

A racing circuit of RED followed by GREEN encircle it. Trying desperately to stave off the feeding. But there is only so much that Lichi and Keimen can do like this. It’s designed to feed to draw in enough power to tear straight through the bones of the mechanism.

What the hell is he trying to do? Punch a lateral hole through to Namimori?

...

Of course he is.

We’re on a spacial rift. We’re on the bones of ‘Pluto’ fallen kingdom. Of course he would try some trans dimensional bullshit here, now, when I (meaning little me) is in the middle of a nervous break down of epic proportions.

“Inari!” Tsuna shouts, grabbing my attention.

“Hey, mini-bro~” I trill at him and watch as his expression goes from ferocious to mortified.

“Wh- who- wha- WHAT ARE YOU WEARING?!!!” He shrieks.

It’s been so long since I’ve gotten to hear Tsuna spaz out. I’m getting all nostalgic now.

“... is that really what all you kids are going to focus on,” I laugh, “one track minds all of you, I swear.”

“You look like a harlot, Beast,” is Kyoya’s constructive criticism, apparently not even noticing the fact that I’m ten-fucking-years older than the last time he saw me.

I love his consistency, if nothing else.

“Excuse you, I look fucking gorgeous and I know it. Tsuna behind- a good job. And, honestly do you all really think I planned on getting spirited away tonight? Hell no. I was in the middle of a very romantic evening that I intend to get back to as soon as possible.”

“I DIDN’T NEED TO KNOW THAT!” Tsuna shrieks again as he clocks the final cultist across the head.

“Then don’t ask, Tsu.”

I flick the hovering eye over to him and he yelps as it comes to a stop in front of his face.

“Hieee! What is this!?”

I frown a little as I see that node of indigo ducking behind a wall of fire. Little brat, he really doesn’t have the right to feel shy. Fortunately, Mukuro isn’t my job at the moment.

“Depending on who you ask it’s either the most or least useful weapon that could possibly be manifest with Flames. And it’s going to show you and Kyo-chan here how to get rid of that,” I say pointing up at the glowing throbbing cocoon that has been steadily feeing on ambient flames as the fight went on, “Before an inter-dimensional dictator becomes an immediate threat.”

“ME!?”

“Yes you, I don’t have the ability to freeze out fire so your going to have do it.”

“Freeze what?! How!?”

Ren abruptly shakes himself out of his stupor (and it is very nice that I can leave him speechless across time and space. Even though I’m sure at least 40% of this was him slotting together some memories.)

"Zero-point breakthrough?” He asks with a frown to Tsuna, “You don’t think that’s a bit much to ask?”

“You don’t have faith in your student?” I goad, “And here I thought you were the world’s greatest home tutor?”

“Hie? Inari? What are you saying?!” Tsuna panics, “Reborn, what does he mean ‘freeze fire?!’”

“He can do it,” Reborn declares with a smirk, “After all he’s made so much progress lately that he even feels confident enough to mouth off to me.”

“Hiee~”

“Really? That’s ballsy of you, Bro-Bro~”

“I’m very sorry for my rudeness, sir,” Tsuna whines to Ren.

“Stop your whining, Dame-Tsuna. If your ancestor managed to master this technique I’m sure you’ll be fine.”

Poor Tsuna looks so confused, and somewhat horrified as he looks at the eye and the enormous cocoon on the ceiling.

“Don’t worry, Tsu. I’m not asking you to master it. The eyeball is going to give you the walk through and you only need to have it frozen for a second and Kyo-chan here can smash it.”

Kyoya glares at me from his spot next to Kira. The older Hibari boy is out like a light, as is Gaby and Lambo and Nagi. The only one that’s still conscious is Shoichi and that is solely a testament to the awesomeness of Sun Flames. God I love those things.

“We’ll make sure you master it when this is done, Dame-Tsuna,” Ren promises with a threatening smile that has Tsuna groaning.

“You’re both terrible,” He complains as he lets the eye start to shove him toward where to root of the cocoon is.

“I know,” I grin and give Kyoya a pointed look, “You best hurry along before more trespassers appear.”

We watch as the two of them walk a toward one of the offshoots and disappear into the dark. I keep watching with the eye. I’m sure Tsu, can handle himself. I have full faith in him.

“Is there a particular reason why we didn’t follow him, brat?” Ren asks.

“Those two need some more one-on-one bonding time,” I tell him as I walk around the various unconscious bodies that are all starting to glow that pearlescent light feeding up into the cocoon.

Cerberus is laying flat out on the floor. He’s not out yet, but I’m pretty sure that Fon hit him hard enough that he isn’t going to be causing us any more problems.

“For the record I am sorry about this,” I tell him with a pat on his matted and greasy grey hair.

“ThIs WAs foR yOu, MiNERva,” He warbles, “FOr YOu aND VeSTa, ThE LORd Of LIghT woULD hAVE mAdE you NEW.”

I send out a wave of pacification and he relaxes and goes out like a light.

“I can assure you that the only thing that dick would have done is further interrupt date night.”

I stand and straighten the silk robe, run my fingers through my floofy mess of hair, and turn to give Ren a flirty look.

“Tell me honest, I look good right~”

He saunters up next to me looking so impossibly tiny like this.

“Lovely,” He says sadly as he averts his gaze.

“I hope your lover realizes how lucky he is,” Ren says, his clenched fists shoved in his pockets, shoulders tense, face shadowed by the brim of the fedora. “If he ever hurts you make sure I shoot him.”

I slowly cock my head to the side as I look at him. Fon catches my gaze and then diverts it toward Ren. It’s a sad look.

I shut my eye and listen to the music.

Sad because his friend is in pain.

Because Renato had given up.

Because Reborn was so very intent on burying his heart as deep as possible.

And Ren... He’s already trying to think about the best way to start distancing himself from mini-me. All because of a hypothetical other man that he has suddenly dreamed up.

Ridiculous.

Ridiculous lovely man.

The both look ridiculously defeated over such a ridiculous topic too. Cultist - nothing we can’t handle, potential inter-dimensional dictator - tsuna go slam the door in his face, Future Inari is having date night - bring on the angst train.

Though I guess that sort of makes sense from a certain perspective. Only one of those ‘problems’ can’t be solved by hitting it.

And they’ve both long since lost hope of being free.

Well... I’m not really one for spoilers, but I’m going to make an allowance just this once. Because there needs to be a glimmer of hope at the end of the tunnel.

“Oh, don’t worry, Sunshine,” I say as I slide down next to him, basically laying out on this dank cave floor so I can look up into the emotional turbulence that is currently playing out in his eyes. “You spoil me absolutely rotten~”

There it is.

The full body freeze up.

The confrontation of hope and despair.

“What?” His voice sounds wrecked and wanting.

Something nags at the corner of my memory and I let a lopsided smile curl at the corner of my mouth I think I know where I ended up now. I’m almost tempted to share Concetta’s words of wisdom with Ren.

Another time perhaps.

“You’re it for me, Darling, so don’t you dare try to think up any self-sacrificing break up plans. I don’t cotton to that sort of television melodrama. Besides, you would be missing out on all the fun we’ll have once you’re back to full size.”

He flinches hard. His eyes go wide and Leo curls tightly around his wrist as a show of support.

Fon lets out a gasp and I make sure to give him a little nod. I wouldn’t want him to feel excluded from the hope of being himself again.

“Inari, I can’t -“ Ren cuts himself off with a tug of his curly sideburn, “The curse can’t-“

His music says:

We’re going to die like this.

I’m sorry.

I’ve done terrible things.

I’m sorry.

I’m not who you remember.

I’m not who I remember.

I’m sorry.

I’m going to die like this and I’m so, so sorry.

...

Guilt and hopelessness really aren’t good looks on him. I like him much better as the glorious, fun, chaotic, unrepentant ass that I know he is. Assassin or not.

“Ren,” I say his name softly and cradle his face in my hand, “You aren’t going to die like this.”

His whole tiny body shudders and he makes a sound as he doubles over into me.

I rest my hand lightly on his back as he trembles against my side and let him go. He won’t do this with mini-me. Not yet. I am, was, much to unstable around this point. He’ll start getting a little better. But....

“I promise. You, Fon,” I say giving Fon a soft look, “AND EVEN YOU VIRGIL, I KNOW YOUR LISTENING.”

I hear his music piping through the listening device he has following Ren and Fon. He never changes.

“I can’t tell you any of the details. Not when, or where, or how, but I promise-,” He tilts his head up to meet my gaze head on with manic hope and intensity as the indigo walls in his head continue to crack at an alarming rate, “It doesn’t end like this.”

I gnaw on my lower lip before continuing in a whisper only he can hear, “On an unrelated note please let Shamal take a look at that construct. It’s not my call if you want it or not, but you can’t keep letting it fall apart like that. You might end up knocking something out of place and forgetting how to do math. And wouldn’t that be tragic?”

“Brat.”

Fon chuckles.

“See, ‘Reborn,’” He says pointedly, “I told you that you would be in a much better mood once we found Tsuki.”

Ren glowers at him with red rimmed eyes, “Are you trying to antagonize me?”

“What ever do you mean, ‘Reborn?’” Fon asks with false innocence.

And overt antagonism.

“Are you waiting for permission?”

“What the heck are you two on about?” I ask looking between them.

Ren scowls.

“He’s been rather insistent that I call him Reborn and nothing else,” Fon explains, “He gave a rather cruel rejection of our past and friendship-“

“Call me Renato,” Ren cuts him off abruptly adjusting his jacket and fedora, “If it means that much to you... It’s not like there’s any point forgetting anymore.”

He’ll be bitter about that for awhile still.

“HIEEEEEE!!!” Tsuna’s voice echos through the cavern accompanied by the sound of cracking glass. “IT FROZE!?!!?”

“Good job, Tsu.” I laugh as veins of brilliant white light start erupting around the cavern and the cocoon above us starts to crumple.

“Um, Inari?” He asks as he and Kyoya make it back to us, “Not that it isn’t nice to see you here, like this, but when is my Inari going to be back?”

Tsuna looks concerned and Ren expression morphs to mirror it.

“It’s been over ten minutes,” He mutters, “Did something go wrong with the bazooka?”

He shoots a look at Lambo who is busy snoozing in a petrified Shoichi’s arms. He’s just sitting there with Nagi dozing against his shoulder and looks so confused.

“I don’t think so...” I say slowly, “Time-travel doesn’t really work right with me, or you for that matter Tsu.”

“Are you, I mean, is he in trouble?”

“Maybe?”

“You don’t remember?” Ren ask with obvious alarm.

“Not entirely? Time travel is weird. Things don’t always happen in the right order and when it’s done you might not always remember what happened. It’s a fail safe to make sure that the universe doesn’t fold in on itself on account of paradoxes,” I grimace, “Please don’t ask me to think about it anymore. It gives me a headache. Just know that if the two of us did a straight switch he’s having a grand old time because I was in BED. And if not... that probably means that Concetta nabbed him and I really don’t want to think too hard about that.”

“Who’s Conce-“

* * *

* * *

Getting eaten by that purple monstrosity is a lot like that scene in the Wizard of Oz when Dorthy gets swallowed up by the tornado and sees a bunch of wild shit passing by her window. All of time and space happen in an instant and the pieces of my brain that aren’t with me at the moment try desperately to pay attention to something that doesn’t want to be know.

I see things regardless.

I think I left some of my eyes in this vortex the last time Concetta dragged me to Pompeii to watch it buried by magma and ash.

A lesson.

Always lessons with Saturn.

Or Kronos.

Depending on who they want to be at the moment.

I see Tsu and I as children playing dress up on the lawn. His head and hands made of fire. My eyes infinite and manifold.

I see rings and the forge master.

I see Mama with a head cradled in her hands.

I see Dad strapped to a metal table and screaming.

I see a massive rib cage and the scapula of Atlas.

I see the fire of the night.

I see the fire of the Earth.

I see Uni cowering in terror and I try to reach out and grab her, but the spin comes again and she’s gone.

I see a young man burned and shaking from the decade he spent in ice. Wrapped in blankets and the protective arms of his guardians as they plot.

I see boy made of will and rage smile as he stalks an old man through the hallowed halls of the underworlds greatest stronghold. 

I see violent eyes and a curled smile of a dictator who waves a hand at me as I fly past. The topaz gem shines brightly on his finger.

I see a hexagonal door.

I see a hearth.

I see the brain of the mechanism as it collapses.

I see Tsuna reach out a hand and another grasp it.

I see Reborn sitting next to me. And I see Renato smile backlit by the setting sun and the sound of the ocean behind him.

I see my family etched out in ink on paper. A beautiful fairy tale to amuse a lonely boy. 

And then I hit the ground.

* * *

* * *

“Owwwww~” I groan and spit out the mouth full of sand, “What the hell was I doing face planted on a beach?”

I’m not sure how the bazooka works exactly, but from what I’ve gleaned from Lambo it’s usually a straight exchange with the timeline your on trajectory with. Which means that what? My twenty-five year old self was lying prostrate on the beach?

Does this mean that I get my tropical vacation now.

If so I will take a Bellini and a massage please and thank you.

“The beaches of paradise sure are lovely this time of year?” I ask hopefully without looking up.

...

”So IeMiTSu dIDn’T LiSteN I sEe.”

The booming cackling tells me no. No this is not my long awaited tropical vacation. Nor am I likely to be scoping out hotties on with Hana (according to our ancient and holy pact).

“THe BEaCHes OF ParAdiSE. YoU GivE PlAceS ThE PrEttIEsT NaMES.”

I burrow my head in my arms with a groan.

“I Do hAvE To hANd iT to THaT bOY,” Concetta Bovino cracks from above me and I flip onto my back to look at her, “NoT thE bRigHtesT oF mY OffSprinG buT He cAn foLLoW DirEction.”

“Hello, Concetta,” I greet and stare up at her in all her gigantic magnificence. She’s the maiden today not the crone. Her long dark hair falling in a tumble of curls that nearly touches her feet. Her nose is majestic and hawkish. Her eyes an unearthly acid green that melt down into the black holes she pretends are pupils.

She sees everything along the vertical axis.

“Is that really all you have to say to me, Inari?” She grins as her voice settles into something smooth and melodious, “I put on my best face for you too.”

“It’s lovely, really,” I push myself up into a seated position as grey waves crash against the grey shore of what I am fairly certain is the end of time. “Is there a particular reason that you have kidnapped me from the time-stream?”

“Would you have preferred that I left you to the whims of the dictatorial puff ball? If I hadn’t been kind enough to intervene you would have been in a very dangerous situation right now. And all those lovely little human that were chained to you would have been wiped from existence.”

My stomach lurches and I gaze up at her.

“What?”

“You have a terrible habit of leaving parts of yourself all over the place,” She continues, ignoring my unasked question, “It’s clutter. Worse it’s divine clutter. And you know what happens when the likes of you and I leave things behind? Human’s come and pick it up. Like that irritating sugar addict that keeps punching holes in the fabric of reality with that THING that you made.”

I huddle in on myself shrinking a little under the scrutiny of her disapproval.

What thing?

I don’t remember making anything that could do something like that. 

“Don’t you?” She asks, “Perhaps you don’t you were hanging on by threads when you dreamed it up. It’s a dangerous thing dreaming. You remember that, right? It leaves too many openings... Not that that would matter much to you. You’re one oozing gaping wound, my friend.”

A long spindly finger crooks under my chin and forces me to look up at her.

“We’ll be fixing some of that now.”

“What do you mean?” I ask.

“Drink this,” Concetta orders and shoves a familiar looking flask into my face.

“... I’m already hungover. Now really isn’t the best time for me to go on a bender... Also I’m pretty sure Reborn won’t ever forgive me if I fall off the wagon this fast.”

“It’s not alcohol,” She says with a roll of her eyes.

“I’m not drinking your moonshine either,” I tell her flatly.

“CONSUME,” She orders and shoves it against my lips.

There’s something heavy and hot in there. Something that sloshes like liquid silver.

My heart rate kicks up.

“What happens if I drink this?” I ask.

I shouldn’t have.

Because Concetta takes her chance to tilt my head back and pour it down my throat.

It’s thick.

Sweet and sticky like nectar.

“You might die~” She coos as her face turns morphs into something much more terrifying to behold.

I cough and gag and try to spit it up.

“Or maybe you’ll get back something you lost~”

Something inside of my head starts to itch and burn and grow.

That missing chunk of grey matter that had so violently been scooped out and smashed.

And because I’m a crybaby I immediacy start sobbing because-

Because my name is Sawada Inari.

I was born in Namimori Japan.

Because I remember being Inari Tsukishima.

Who was born in York before moving to America with his Grandfather.

The conflicting memories of parallel lives stop fighting for supremacy.

My brain stops cannibalizing itself.

Because that place that was a gaping hole is now a bridge across the mire.

Because the place where Minerva once slumbered snuggly is back in place. 

“Why?” I ask.

“Because I owed a favour to the boy who disobeyed the god queen and released me from perdition,” Concetta rattles with laugher, “And because I’m rather irritated with that white haired sugar plum. He’s using that creation of yours to create too many timelines. The Tri-ni-sette can’t handle so much. And if he had gotten his hands on what little of you there was left I doubt even Tsunayoshi could have burnt hot enough to end him.”

“I’m missing something,” I say shaking my head.

“You’re missing quite a bit, but it will be a bit less now.”

“What’s the catch?” I demand, “Do you want us to set off into the future arc to fight Byakuran? Throw off the plot more?”

She throws her head back and laughs.

“You still think this is a story, Inari?”

I stutter and stumble.

Because...

Fuck.

I do.

Not all the time. But there are moments when I look at Tsuna and my friends and my family and I just remember lines on paper. 

It’s hard not to.

Because that’s how I remember it.

Because that’s why I’ve been slowly distancing myself from my friends.

That’s why my realization about the Tri-ni-sette and the Arcobaleno curse are fucking with me so much. Because they bridge the gap.

They existed there too.

This isn’t my fairytale dream.

“This is a parallel timeline to the one you lived in. Where we met. One that had circumstances been different would have been largely untouched by the likes of us. One that would have left a little boy very lost and alone.”

I stay quiet and continue to stare at her.

“You need to stop running now my friend. You need to heal. Not everything is the end of the world. And you are not yet running out of time.”

“You say that,” I snap, “but then I have people like Michael ambushing me from beyond the grave, and an inter dimensional cult, and the mafia being run by a dick that stole my insides and I still can’t believe that that actually happened and- and- and-“

The world is starting to blur and go smokey at the edges as Concetta pets my head.

“You always anticipate the worst, Inari. You really need to learn how to relax a little. Get laid.”

... Say what now.

“I’m not sure if you’ve noticed the horrific reality of the Arcobaleno curse or not but my husband-boyfriend-soulmate, whatever, isn’t really up for that sort of thing right now,” I say hotly feeling my face go red.

And good god.

That extra bridge of brain matter is doing wonders already.

“So?” Asks the titan as she starts to fade around me.

“So I’m not the asshole that is going to go sleep around because we can’t get it on right now. That isn’t fair,” And there is also the matter of a serious talk we have to have about our shared past life.

There are serious discussions that need to be had.

We need to clear the air.

I need to solve this curse problem before I can even think about-

“Didn’t you know? There are these lovely inventions that buzz rather pleasantly. I’m sure you and your lovely Odysseus can put them to good use.”

... Oh look...

My brain is melting again.

“Gua?”

“Just because he can’t partake at the moment doesn't mean he wouldn’t enjoy watching you squirm~” She continues. Making everything exponentiallyworse

“Gah, uh, wha~ Concetta~ why do you do these things to me~”

“I only do you favours, mY DeAR FRienD,” she cackles madly as I’m hurtled back into the spin.

* * *

* * *

“-tta?”

I blink at Tsuna.

He blinks back at me.

There are unconscious people everywhere.

There is an upturned motorcycle.

The Cave Troll is here.

Fon is staring at me.

Reborn is pressed close to my side.

And there is a cocoon of light disintegrating above us.

...

“The hell did I miss?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And thus Byakuran was temporally body checked by a titan and had a tiny Don slam a metaphysical door in his face... Even though he totally saw through all of that. 
> 
> Sass and Win would look completely different from Tsuna’s point of view. He’s had plenty of his own side quests while Inari has been busy with his numerous nervous breakdowns. I mean he has a hitchhiker now so we’ll see how that plays out for him. 
> 
> Also~ Future Inari is much more with it than present Inari. He is also a man with his priorities straight. Our boy will get there eventually. But there are a few more gauntlets to face first. 
> 
> And a ring heist to get to~
> 
> And as always I love hearing from you all! So let me know Questions? Comments? Theories? 
> 
> Just a note that updates might get a little sporadic in June as I’m trying to get my life back into some semblance of order. 
> 
> See you next time 🥰


	42. Sneaky Secrets and Anomalous Anomalies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I assume that is our cue to make a daring escape?”

I’m treated to a rushed and somewhat scattered account of how my older self appeared from the ether and proceeded to be a cryptic badass in sexy underwear. It sounds as believable as anything else that has happened today. On that account, I’m torn between being proud of my older-selve’s swagger and feeling sorry for the whole ‘cockblocked by time travel’ thing.

Honestly, kinda veering toward the latter if only because time travel is paradoxical bullshit and a nightmare to untangle. It creates more problems than it could potentially solve.

All those doomed branching timelines that the decay can go punch holes in and feast upon and No, Concetta, we are not going to go unsink the Titanic and have fascism take over the world!

...Ahem...

“Th-Thank you for coming and ... saving us? But shouldn’t we be getting out of here now? These tunnels are notoriously unstable and Nagi-chan and the others are still unconscious and I’m actually pretty claustrophobic.”

“Good idea, uh-“

“Shoichi... or Inari-san calls me Red...”

“OH! You’re Red... sorry about-“

“No, it’s fine, I’ve gotten sucked into alternate dimensions without Inari-san being anywhere near me. So I’m pretty sure it’s fifty-fifty if we’re ever in the same space.”

“...Reborn we should probably get out of this cave.” 

Yeah, sexy snuggle time sounds really good right now. I hope they managed to get back to it and have plenty of orgasms...

I’m going to stop now. Before this gets even weirder, and I paradoxically get jealous of my future self and the sex that he may or may not be having.

“Inari?”

Oh god, why did Concetta have to say that?! I’m a horny, hormonal mess as it is~ I really didn’t need any of her ‘helpful suggestions’ to make things worse.

“Inari?”

There are a few other more important, potentially world ending implications, of trans dimensional travel and me being an idiot who might have been the root cause of it because I’m perpetually an emotional mess who can’t seem to handle anything ever. Why did I dream that thing up!? Or past me?

“Inari!”

Am I completely responsible for the actions that I took in a past life? Do I have any self determination as the individual that I am now? Or are Sawada Inari and Tsukishima Inari the same person? That doesn’t seem entirely fair, because it supposes that my experiences in this life that I had before remembering everything that happened before are null and void.

Unimportant.

“Ummm, does anyone else hear that?”

“What sound Tsuna?”

“Uhhhh....”

“Dame-Tsuna-“

“I don’t know how to explain it! Inari, can you hear?!”

I mean, I appreciate knowing why I was dealing with a life time of existential uncertainty, but they really underplay the mental strain and feeling social alienation that could come forth from this whole ‘aware reincarnation’ phenomena. If it is in fact that. Not that I want to test and see if this is a observable replicable phenomena. I’m pretty sure if we went any further down the rabbit hole the universe might fold in on itself. Or we might glitch the system so bad we might end up in the under code.

“INARI!” Tsuna screams unpleasantly close to my left ear while Reborn screams, “BRAT!” Into my right.

It creates a strange and somewhat dizzying auditoria effect when it hits the ambient echo of the cave.

I’ve mentioned before that I have sensitive ears? Yeah, this was like two fog horns going off right next to my head which is probably why I snapped.

“WHAT!?”

We stare at each other in the dim, inexplicable and ethereal cave lighting.

And he scowls at me like he has never scowled at me in our entire lives. The expression is only moderately less terrifying than Reborn who bounds from my shoulder to Tsuna’s and uses the extra height advantage to loom and exude an aura of ‘I am stressed and extremely unhappy with you right now.’

“Sorry,” I apologize raising my hands in a panicked submission, “That came out way more aggressively than I meant it to. How can I help my two favourite gentleman in the entire universe?Pleasedon’tbemadatmeIgotdistractedthinkingaboutorgamsandthepotentialendofexistance.”

I ramble. I probably only succeed in making things more uncomfortable for everyone and worse for myself, but the rambling makes me feel moderately more in control of this bizarre situation.

“Inari,” Tsuna says my name in that big brotherly boss voice that he has been working on lately.

“Yeah Tsu?”

“Are you going to pass out anytime soon?”

“That sounds like strangely specific and somewhat harsh assessment of my ability to remain conscious after climactic battles. I know my track record is a little questionable, Bro-Bro, but this feels a little har- GAH!”

I am rudely and savagely cut off as Tsuna jabs a finger into sensitive armpit tissue.

And I just fucking die.

Not really, of course, but I’m pretty sure that the sound I just made was the death scream of something.

“Jerk!” Tsuna snaps and jabs me again while my guard is down.

It is the most uncomfortably ticklish and just genuinely unpleasant situation that has me wiggle flailing in a desperate attempt to flee.

“Stupid jerk!”

“Tsu- Wha- Sta-“ I try to smack away is hands but I’m just reduced to a helpless giggling puddle of mush that is slowly oozing my way across the dark, and questionably damp, cavern floor toward som sort of protective barrier.

Unfortunately, I just find the Cave Troll.

Unfortunately for Kyoya I’m not about to split hairs when it comes to protection from the creat and powerful tickle monster and proceed to cling to his leg like a heroine on the cover of a harlequin romance novel.

“Beast,” Kyoya growls, trying to be all intimidating and shit.

“Shut up and be a good meat shield, asshole.”

He looks at me (or at least I think he does, everything is rather questionable in the dim lighting) and then he steps away leaving me open for attack.

“Jerk!”

“Tsu- HIEEE!”

“Why do you keep doing these things?!” he demands as he pins me in a full on tickle assault.

I can’t hear anything beyond my hysteria, but I’m peripherally aware that something is tugging insistently for my attention. But the whole tickling thing supersedes that in the hierarchy of things that I can pay attention to right now.

“Do you have any idea how terrified I was!? You got kidnapped! AGAIN!!!”

“Y-you sa-y that l-like I have s-so-some sort of control over this shit!”

This isn’t fair how am I supposed to defend my poor life choices when Tsuna won’t stop tickling me?~

“Stop standing around like a- a- a-“

“Stoned lemming,” Verde’s voice pipes in from an omnipresent everywhere, “I believe that Reborn’s initial assessment of your brothers self preservation skills was very apt, Decimo.”

“Lemming.” Tsuna agrees with a nod and one last poke before he gets off of me.

I have to just lay there for a moment and breathe because, holy fuck, Tsuna can be brutal when he’s pissed off. And he is genuinely pissed off right now. I can see it in his face (thanks to the wreath of ethereal fire around his head). He’s stressed and pissed off.

“I’m not going to argue with you on that.”

“Good,” Reborn pipes up looking wryly amused by, “I doubt even you could talk your way out of the comparison at this point.”

“Oh no~” I grin at him, “Are you two teaming up against me now?”

“Hardly against you,” He says softly and I go boneless when he reaches out and touches the burn on my face with sparkles of sunshine magic, “If anything I believe Tsunayoshi and myself are both very motivated to ensure your continued existence.”

“You say the sweetest things, Sunshine~”

“Stop,” Tsuna commands crouching to wave a hand between the two of us, “No flirting!”

Reborn drops his hand so fast that you would think that Tsuna had just told him that I was a particularly venomous breed of snake. I whine at the loss of contact and the abrupt disruption in our positive feedback loop of positive energy as Reborn fixes Tsuna with a look that is teetering on the edge of outrage.

“Dame-Tsuna-“

“You cant just go around delivering relationship ultimatums, Bro-Bro. That’s just rude.”

It’s not like I go interrupting Kyoko and him when their in the middle of their adorkable mating rituals.

“I don’t care! You need to give me a little more time to get used to this thing. You can’t just go from being an oblivious moron to declaring that you guys are married without giving me time to get used to the idea of you two even DATING!”

“Married?” Reborn preens turning the fulls weight of his attention onto me. That very foreboding stare that promises he will bring ten-thousand years of darkness and chaos to the land and I will love every single minute of it. “I think you owe me more than a single date before you can go around claiming we’re married, brat. I have very high expectations and standards if you remember.”

He says the last bit low into my ear.

“Mmmhm~”

The soft melodic cadence of Fon’s laughter fills the cave and it is a nice and familiar sound.

“My apologies, Renato,” He says and I feel my brain trying to fuzz out, but the new information bridge kicks in and everything kinda settles (a bit off kilter but hey no weird chomping on the brain stem~) “Tsuki, I didn’t realize a congratulations were in order. Unfortunately, I have nothing to offer you as a gift at the moment-“

“Not married!” Tsuna panic flails, “They can’t be married! Inari is only fifteen!”

“Also, same-sex marriage isn’t legal in Japan so... I’m kinda shit out of luck regardless,” I amend with a bland dose of reality. “I mean, we could go to the Netherlands like Hana’s moms did, but...”

There are a dozen other reasons why marriage isn’t actually feasible beyond the legality issue. Reborn being physically two, me being jailbait, questionable legal documentation, the fact that we have some really serious shit to talk about before we take this relationship even a step further.

The fact that Fon just said ‘Renato and Tsuki’ and my heart hurts.

It hurts because that means that Fon remembers before. And I know from personal experience how hard and lonely that is. How long has he remembered?

Is this where he went when he was gone?

Is this where we all went when we were gone?

And Reborn...

Renato.

Is he a Renato or is he MY Renato?

He’s mine regardless. Even when the universe struck me blind, deaf, and dumb I fell in love with the same man twice. It feels important. It feels significant. But it could also be chalked up to random chance and the fact that, appearances aside, I have a taste for chaotic neutral.

But, I’m going to wait until we actually have that all important conversation before I go casually renaming him without his permission. It’s his name after all. He’s the one who gets the final say on what it is. Drunk Me can fucking chill out about that.

I just-

It would be nice to have some solid confirmation.

My heart hurts.

“Tsuki-” Fon says with a sad softness.

“Oh...” Tsuna’s given me this stricken look. I think he caught on to the sudden melancholy though I doubt he gets the meaning behind it. I mean, the whole ‘I couldn’t get married to the person that I love even if we worked everything out’ thing is depressing as fuck, but the whole existential horror thing is really what’s getting me.

“I’m sure it wouldn’t take much to threaten some officials,” Reborn offers with a tired sort of smirk.

“A clandestine quest full of chaotic shenanigans?” I grin back at him, “Sounds perfect.”

Tsuna opens his mouth and then snaps it shut and frowns rubbing at his ears. I start hearing it as soon as I listen.

A binaural humming...

And the song of the dead.

We ... shouldn’t be here.

We really shouldn’t be here.

That.

That is HIS place.

His domain.

A hole in the world.

“As much as I would love to continue listening to this inane rambling you lot might want to consider vacating that pit post-haste,” Verde drawls, “My instruments have been picking up an increase in a curious form of radiation. I’m not quite sure what sort of effect if might have on human bodies. Though if you would like to volunteer for exposure trials I would be more than happy to record the data and publish the findings. I’ll even make sure to credit you in the bibliography-“

“RADIATION!?” Me, Tsuna, and Shoichi all shout as one.

... Probably for different reasons too.

“I assume that is our cue to make a daring escape?” Fon asks, “Kyoya? Are you able to carry your brother? To say Zhi would be cross with us for leaving without him would be an understatement.”

Kyoya glowers at him and hauls Kira over his shoulder in one smooth motion, “Don’t order me around, baby.”

“Of course not.”

“Inari,” Reborn’s voice is tight as he darts to Gabriella who is still down for the count.

“I got her, Sunshine,” Scramble over, “Tsu, you and Red got Lambo and Nagi?”

“Yeah, bu- but what about all the other people?!”

“I wouldn’t touch them, Decimo,” Verde warns, sounding way to thrilled about all of this, “From what I can see they are the ones giving off the radiation... Reborn, Fon get out of there immediately.”

That I feel in my soul when Verde abruptly goes from thrilled to freaked out is real. It is so very real. Because I think I know what this is.

“Vir-“

“Don’t argue. Don’t ask questions. Keiman will extract the rest of them the two of you need to move. NOW.”

‘Darling, they can’t be here.’

“Move it,” I chime in switching to my Control voice.

I don’t want to make it a suggestion but I will.

Reborn looks into my eyes, nods, and turns and bolts.

Fon catches him in less than a second after depositing I-pin gently in my free arm. I watch them closely as they disappear into the tunnel. The humming starts getting louder and louder as the rest of us slowly make our way after them.

“Inari? What is it? What this-“ Tsuna pauses and winces as the the binaural hits a dissonant note and replicates along it, “sound?”

I wince along with him.

The sound makes my teeth ache. I can only imagine how it’s making Tsu feels. I didn’t think he could hear this stuff. I can only assume that he can hear now because we are so close and it’s so LOUD.

Maybe it’s because the seal is all but gone now.

We make it to the tunnel awkwardly. It’s a little difficult carrying as many people as we are. Gabriella is nearly a foot taller than me and I have to be careful not to jostle I-pin too much. I still don’t like her colouring very much to grey. Too drained.

“Inari?”

“Do you remember that story that grandpa used to tell us,” I huff.

There is an eerie glow behind us and I chance a glance back out of the corner of my eye. There is a iridescent phosphorescent haze beginning to waft off the unconscious forms of Byakuran’s followers.

“Which one?” Tsuna asks flatly.

“First Chaos came to be and then the song of the Earth was sung-“

“Oh, THAT one.”

And the Grand Mechanism spun. Suspended on the back of Atlas. Powered by THEM. Managed by US.

Until he broke.

Until they died.

Until the first sacrifice was made.

Until the Fire was stolen.

Until the balance was broken.

“What does that have to do with any of this?”

“I don’t know. I just thought of it.”

One of the figures hauls himself to his feet and stares after us with three sets of eyes. It feels hateful. It feels angry. And then it’s gone. And he’s gone. And the light in the chamber behind us gets brighter and brighter.

“But, you know, we should hurry because if magical radiation is anything like magic fire we probably shouldn’t hang around here too long.”

“... So you’ll tell me later.”

“Definitely, once we don’t die of magical radiation poisoning and I let Takeshi beam me in the head with a few baseballs for repentance.”

“I’m not letting you get out of explaining this time. Even if you get a concussion.”

Honestly, it will probably make just as much sense with a concussion as without one.

The Tri-Ni-Sette.

And the Decay.

* * *

* * *

Keiman meets us twenty feet up the tunnel. He’s bigger than I’ve ever seen him before and strangely subdued. He has more eyes than he rightly should, but I don’t think anyone will be brave enough to criticize him on it.

Lichi is perched on his head staring anxiously past us.

**I had hoped...** She starts, **Are we out of time?**

Keiman doesn’t say anything and doesn’t even snap at Tsuna’s fingers as he and Shoichi start loading our unconscious party members onto his back. There is a quiet misery about him.

“No,” I say softly letting Lichi climb onto my shoulder and snuggle, “Concetta says a lot of bullshit but she made a point of saying that we still have time so I’m tempted to believe her. This is just... intimidation.”

**I hope you’re right, Darling.**

**Get on, Morsel** , Keiman booms, **Or I’ll leave you to walk.**

* * *

* * *

Virgil had been the one to find it.

That frequency.

The decay.

The radiation.

He had spent countless hours locked in that lab running test after test after test on the samples that we managed to preserve safely enough to bring home. When he ran out of tests to run and instruments to use he hijacked Ren and the two of them constructed new theories, new models, new machines to gaze deeper into the great gaping maw of the universe and try and find out what was killing it. And once Mads joined in with the ancient artifacts, technology that even Juno and Pluto had long since forgotten the key to.

They started making progress.

I think out of all of her ‘Heroes’ Virgil was the one who scared Juno the most. And I know that he was the first to rock Grandpa’s view on humanity. To disrupt his carefully and lovingly constructed shield of bullshit that he used to convince himself that humans were the inferior species.

He could brush off Renato’s innate understanding of the patterns of the Grand Mechanism and his ability to harness the energy as a quirk. He could brush off Mads collection and his ability to use the ‘magic’ as dumb luck. He could scoff at my Lilly, Fon, and Cornelius and the fact they could touch what we could not. And he could even explain Sam, if he tried, as an ‘ill bread mistake of one of THEM’ and laugh at my outrage.

...

But he couldn’t explain away Virgil.

Because Virgil was smarter than him and he wasn’t just chasing after the achievements of the empire that Pluto only vaguely remembered and venerated. He was building new things.

Inventions that didn’t just replicate what came before, but successfully improved upon them.

I think he fell in love with it. The Tri-Ni-Sette. The Decay. All of it.

It drove Juno and Pluto half mad to have a mud monkey look upon what should have been perfection and say, “There’s room for improvement.”

He could be terror when he wanted to be. It’s probably a good thing that I have a soft spot for socially incompetent assholes or else I would have been very jealous by his insistent kidnapping of Ren in the name of science.

He was also the first person to ever just blatantly call Grandpa out for very obviously being not human. For a guy who’s entire shtick was deception that was an insult of the highest order. But well... I can’t say that he hadn’t earned the pleasure.

* * *

* * *

_“Out of curiosity, does Sinclair know that he’s involved with an alien life form?”_

_“Considering the first time he met ‘me’ was as a swarm of holographic Eyes I’m fairly certain that he realizes that I fit firmly into the ‘Abnormal’ category.”_

_“... swarm?”_

_“It’s a long story. I was doing more ... archival work then and I got stuck.”_

_“Ah.”_

_“And if you’re really interested in the history of our relationship Renato wasn’t all to put off by a hive of sentient Eyes wooing him.”_

_“Our positions in this institution come with the expectation of a certain level of strangeness, Tsukishima. Each time one of us is sent to investigate one of these ‘unexplainable phenomena’ we encounter something that disrupts natural order and would make a less structured mind go mad. We are all in some way ‘extraordinary’ which, I assume, is why Doctor Gigleo Nero approached us specifically. However, all that aside we are all still, genetically human. Twenty three pairs of chromosomes.”_

_“Do you have a point, Virgil? Or are you just practicing the fine art of the soliloquy?”_

_“You, Doctor Gigleo Nero, and Professor Tsukishima, on the other hand have Twenty six pairs of chromosomes.”_

_“...”_

_“HA! Now that is an expression I haven’t seen on your face before. Am I right? I am, aren’t I?”_

_“... Guilty as charged~ Though I wouldn’t quite call us ‘aliens.’ You’ll have to tell me how you managed to get genetic samples from Gramps and Lulu. They’re usually much better about that sort of thing. And you can’t go calling them out without me there. With a camera~ I don’t think they’ve ever gotten called out. This will be amazing!”_

_“You are much too happy about this.”_

_“Hmm~ Gag order only worked one way. You figured it out all on your own, so I get to laugh and not worry about getting choked out for it. Seriously though I need to see his face when you call him an ‘alien’ he’s going to hate that.”_

_“What does he consider you all to be”_

_“Oh, you know, Gods.”_

_“... Gods?”_

_“Bullshit of course. He’s just desperately clinging to the illusion of superiority.”_

_“Of course.”_

_“It’s hard for him. He was the only one who really remembers. Who got to see it in person.”_

_“See what?”_

* * *

* * *

Human curiosity.

Ingenuity.

Imagination~

It’s something that the ‘Gods’ had thrown away. So convinced of their own superiority. They built the Grand Mechanism, they had never thought that it could break. That it could break something else.

That they could be just as wrong and faulted as those they had demanded worship from.

Hubris.

And that fine, fine line between balance and the decay.

* * *

* * *

Once were topside we are treated to a deluge and Verde who has completely tuned out from the physical world and is busy fucking with some sci-fi instruments with a look of intense concentration. Fon and Reborn are in the middle of an intense looking discussion which stops abruptly once we emerge from the huge double doors of the Heaven’s Gate fun complex.

I have a pretty good idea what they were talking about, but the dead of night in the pouring rain isn’t the best time to be talking about anti-life radiation, the Tri-Ni-Sette, and what exactly Yama-chi and the others were planning on doing down there with their human sacrifices and....

“Later,” Reborn says hoping up on to my shoulder with a follow up grumble about the rain being bad for his suit.

“I invited Tsuna to our next ‘what the fuck is happening’ round table,” I tell him.

“Probably for the best,” he smirks, “He’s been showing a lot of initiative lately.”

“Bro-Bro has been leveling up like crazy~”

He hums in a contented kind of way, “Tsuna had the nerve to call ME out on the way here. He was able to use Primo’s Zero-Point Breakthrough technique to disrupt whatever was going on down there. He has a lot more confidence asserting himself-“

“You’re so proud of him,” I tease, “That’s adorable~”

“Of course I’m proud. Now perhaps one day he will tell someone to knock it off with that terrible nickname.”

We watch as Tsuna slumps sleepily against Kyoya. Of course the Cave Trolls response is to snap at him like the carnivore that he claims to be.

Tsu shrieks, flails and falls off Keiman and into a small pool of water. Not that it makes much of a difference. The only one who’s even remotely dry is Verde and that’s because he has a dangerously humming spinning disk of death hovering over his head.

“You okay, Tsu?” I ask hauling him to his feet.

“Yeah,” He cracks and enormous yawn, “Just tired. What time is it anyway?”

“Night time,” I offer genetically and enjoy the flat stare I get in response. “I don’t know, Tsu, tonight? Tomorrow, if past experience has taught us anything we might have slipped through a rift in space time and skipped to December.”

Tsuna looks somewhat horrified by that.

“It’s eleven thirty, Dame-Tsuna,” Reborn answers plainly in a rare show of straightforwardness.

Which he seems to appreciate for all of a second before his nervousness increases exponentially.

“Mom is going to kill us for having Lambo out so late.”

“I think she’ll understand given the extenuating circumstances, Tsu.”

Reborn sighs and gives us both a long look before he pulls out his cellphone, “I’ll call Maman and let her know that we most likely will not be home tonight.”

“Eh? Why?”

“Gabriella and the others need medical attention... and considering the very deliberate nature of this attack I don’t feel comfortable leaving our new friends with an easy escape route.”

Tsuna goes quiet and contemplative for a moment and I half expect him to start arguing about it no longer being our problem and that he wants to go home. Which I think is a reasonable response at this time.

Tsuna cocks his head to the side and frowns.

“That’s a good idea... If we leave it like this Inari will probably just get himself kidnapped again.”

“Oi! Rude!” I complain, “I’m not that bad.”

“...”

“...”

I should never have given these two reason to join forces against me. Their combined judgement is almost to much to handle with a straight face.

“That was a terrible fucking lie, I’m sorry, can we move on before we get stuck re-enacting a scene out of the walking dead or something equally stupid and upsetting.”

Reborn rolls his eyes and starts making phone calls. Which is very appreciated because my ability to explain anything is less than zero right now and Tsuna, for all that he is trying to be vigilant, has started drooping against me. The two of us with our tiny passengers eventually migrate and huddle up against Keiman with the others. Leon decides to be extra sweet and turns himself into a tarp to protect us all from the rainstorm.

Eventually, Reborn finishes and passes his phone off to Fon.He comes to sit with us and we all just sit in the cold and wet and stare at those huge double doors and wait.Mom was understanding. I think? The look on Reborn’s face is a cross between tired and terrified. Which is probably a reasonable response.

“Kay...Is it okay for you guys to be this close to...”

“Verde assured us that we made minimum safe distance from this supposed radioactive anomaly,” Reborn assures, ”though he hasn’t been forthcoming behind his reasoning. Though I can assume.”

I don’t say anything. Just focus my attention downward. Down past the rusty red clay, where there sludgy churning of worms and dissonant clanging. It’s far and muted. It’s not HERE.

But it’s close.

Tsuna takes my hand in his and squeezes.

His eyes are molten orange and focused down.

I wonder if he has the crazy alien ears going on now too.

I mean... twins...

Fon calls Kyoya’s mom who in turn calls upon the entirety of the Hibari clan to come out in the dark and pouring rain. They are much more conspicuous for the fact that they come on mass armed to the teeth with everything from cast iron skillet to a six and a half foot long broadsword.

The broadsword is eye catching not only for the fact that it is massive and deadly. But for the fact that it is wielded by Kyoya’s four foot nothing great grandmother who I recognize from mom’s monthly book club.

But nothing quite beats the sight of Kyoya and Kira getting passed around and fussed over by his parents and sisters. It’s such a sweet and wholesome scene and I’m pretty sure it gave me cavities. And Kyoya just turns into an adorable limpet in his dad’s arms before yawning and telling everyone to shut up because he’s going to sleep.

The many faces of Hibari Kyoya from delinquent overlord to adorable snuggle bug.

It’s too bad he’s such a violent prick ninety percent of the time.

After a moment of covert family confab that Fon gets dragged into Kyoya’s sisters and some of his ridiculously attractive cousins gather around Kira and cast ‘Lay on Hands’ by the look of it. Smokey ultraviolet flames gather in their hands and are pressed down into Kira.

A few barked orders from Kyoya’s mom and a couple more of the Hibari cousins (aunts? uncles? A very old man dressed in a very fancy kimono?) rush over to our little M.A.S.H tent and start tending to the rest of the wounded (?). All things considered I still don’t know much about Magic Fire ... Dying Will Flames.

But apparently flame transfusions are a thing. I feel like I was already intimately aware of that though.

It’s very cool to watch though, right up until Gabriella shoots back to life and punches her first aid attendant in the face and starts shouting about Dino seeing her tits which makes Reborn roll his eyes but he quickly rushes over to her.

I might have been tempted to follow but me and Tsu are currently doing something of a role reversal and he slumped over on me and snoring. I think having a bunch of competent adults on the scene was enough to finally conk out. Which is fine and it gives me a chance to quietly obsess over all the pretty lights and colours. I always knew the Hibari clan was wild, but seeing them in action is something else.

Very cool and magical~

Reborn promised to give us a seminar on Flames ages ago but things escalated rather dramatically. And I know realize that way back when everything started with Mukuro and Della Rosa the agents that he lost we’re Gabriella and her cohorts and that means that while everything else was happening he was also grieving the death of his daughter.

I heard her calling him ‘Dad.’

And fuck that had to have been hell. That had to have been pure fucking hell to be stuck with the fucking idiot brigade and not be able to talk about it with any of us. Because you don’t go talking to the idiot kids you’re supposed to be teaching about you’re own fucking trauma.

I hope he’ll tell us that kind of stuff in the future.

Tell me that stuff.

We’re family.

We’re ...

“We’re going down there and I’m going to kill every mother fucker who thought that they could lay hands on my son!”

“Zhi, I understand you’re upset but-“ Fon tries to pacify the woman who lights up three cigarettes at once and is crackling with Storm Flames. “The tunnel system looked rather unstable and my associate was saying something about radia-“

“I’ll show them all fucking unstable when I’m tearing their throats out with my teeth!”

Holy fuck... Kyoya is his mom~

That is even more adorable than the snuggling.

“Kazunari!”

“Yes, Zhi?”

“Watch the babies I’m going to pick a fight!”

“Of course, but before you go...”

I watch, blushy and slack jawed as Kyoya’s dad plucks the cigarettes out of Zhi’s mouth and kisses her very sweetly. As Kyoya makes a grumpy grumble and continues to cling like a demonic koala.

It is hot and sweet and soft and I think I might be in love with the Cave Troll’s parents now.

Zhi rushes off to gather her posse and Fon watches after her fondly.

“I always wondered what she would have been like, you know?”

I look down at him with a quiet question, but he just shakes his head with a soft smile.

“I should go check with Virgil to make sure Zhi isn’t going to get into too much trouble.”

And he darts off to bother Virgil... Verde.

Today has been much too long. Quantum brain surgery aside I’m pretty sure that my head is going to spontaneously combust if I keep thinking about parallel timelines. It’ll be a tomorrow thing. Or at the very least a later when things are less hectic thing.

Eventually, me and Tsu are loaded into the back of a warm mini-van along with the rest of our tired and confused brigade. The Hibari clan sets up a perimeter around Heaven’s Gate Fun Complex with Zhi standing at the front door with murder in her eyes. Somehow, Fon and Verde managed to talk her out of a mad charge into the abyss.

And so they’re waiting.

And watching.

“I’m really glad that they’re on our side.”

* * *

* * *

I’m not exactly sure what time we finally set out at. There’s a lot of talking and arguing that I just tune out after awhile. The one thing that does stick out to me was when Zhi get impatient and tries to charge the into the Fun Complex from Hell only to be stopped by Great-Grandmother Hibari swinging her broadsword and conjuring a barrier of sky flames that Zhi and the others just bounce off of.

That is cool.

I want to learn how to bitch slap people with walls of hard light.

Tsuna is fast asleep by time the mini-van starts rolling down Expressway 7. He, Lambo and I-pin are mostly using me as a pillow. About an hour into the drive I’m mostly sleep walking and horribly motion sick. Gabriella provides a decent distraction once she wakes up enough to provide a somewhat disjointed report. It mostly lines up with what we know.

... The part where Nono had her and her cohorts tailing a white haired kid from the Gesso Family freaks me right the fuck out though.

Why? Why would Nono be keeping tabs on the kid who will one day grow up to become Byakuran? How could he possibly know?

I don’t like it.

I don’t like anything about that asshole and I generally don’t want to think about him any more than absolutely necessary because I don’t really fancy falling into an all consuming panic attack at the thought of freezing, gnarled hands getting shoved into my chest.

And the hell of being unable to move.

So, no, not going to do that.

After what feels like hours of driving around Namimori dropping people off at their appropriate abodes.

I know we stoped briefly at Namimori General. I know this because I remember looking up at one of the windows and Cassandra Della Rosa staring back down at me. We have an extremely awkward staring contest before she vanishes back into the darkness of her room.

Creepy lady.

Dino says she’s okay now. He’s the only one who has been visiting her since everything happens. She’s still messed up, but he’s been pretty adamant about her not being a threat to us anymore.

Reborn doesn’t trust her at all.

He doesn’t trust Dino alone in a room with her, not because he doesn’t trust Dino, but because he knows that she is and always was dangerous. He hasn’t done anything to stop Dino from visiting though.

“Dino is a grown man, and a proven boss at this point,” Reborn has sighed heavily when I asked him, “And as much as I might want to comment he’s too old for me to comment on his choice of friends. The only thing I can do is support him if things go wrong.”

The grin on my face had grown exponentially.

“What?”

“I was just wondering if any of your students realize what a mama bear you are?”

“Are you trying to start something, brat?”

“Not starting nothing, Sunshine,” I teased, “I’m weirdly into it.”

And so we remain in this weird holding pattern with our once nemesis. Waiting for another shoe to drop. Somehow, I get the feeling that she isn’t done with us yet the Vongola had hurt her too badly for that, and like it or not me and Tsuna are still very closely tied to that mess back in Italy.

We also make a stop at the hotel at some ungodly hour. Dino and Paula rush down to collect Gabriella who is tired, irritable, and a one woman comedy routine. She cuts Dino’s apologies off at the knees with some random fucking bullshit about mech arms, how bullshit bras are, and holes in the ground that don’t respect proper flame etiquette, before doing a dramatic damsel faint into Paula’s arms.

Paula, who isn’t that much taller than me, catches all six feet of Gabriella without flinching or any discernible change in expression and proceeds to carry her bridal style back through the threshold of the hotel. All the while Doll-Face sputters and flails.

“What the heck happened today, Reborn?” He asks softly, half ducking into the back of the mini-van to get out of the downpour.

“Trouble,” Reborn answers blandly, “Gabriella mentioned something about the Gesso Family, but she isn’t quite coherent yet. Regardless, whoever they were they had specific target and were draining Flames from them.”

He crosses his arms and gives Dino a hard look.

“Ginevra was with them.”

The look on Dino’s face is nothing short heartbreaking disbelief.

“What?” His smile cracks painfully, “Reborn don’t joke about something like that. There’s no way that she would-“

He presses his hand against the eyepatch and rakes his fingers back through his hair.

“There is no way that Gin would do something like that,” He says firmly, “Not in a million years.”

“I know,” Reborn agrees which visibly shocks some of the panic out of Dino, “It doesn’t change the fact that she was down there and for all intents and purposes actively participating in whatever it was they were trying to do.”

“She seemed very, very high,” I cut in, “I don’t know her very well, but I know what high people look like. And she looked and sounded really fucking weird when she and Zakuro nabbed me. There was this whole bit about a ‘Lord of Light’ and being ‘clean’ honestly it all sounded really cult-y to me.”

They both turn and give me these nearly identical looks of stressed out confusion.

I just shrug, “I literally know nothing else weird shit happened and I got eaten by a worm hole and when I was back asses had been kicked.”

Reborn gives a bland smile before turning his attention back to Dino, “The Hibari clan have taken point on this operation. This is their territory and are well within their rights to do so. Two of my associates remained on the scene and I let them know that you would probably be interested in the investigation measures-“

“OF COURSE I AM!”

“Dame-Dino, what have I said about interrupting?” Reborn says with a wince as he pinches the bridge of his nose. “I was able to advocate for you’re involvement. They currently have a perimeter set up at the Heaven’s Gate Fun Complex off of Expressway 7.”

“...Isn’t that the place with the horror commercials?”

“Yes, and apparently there is good reason for that.”

Dino abruptly straightens and knocks his head against the roof of the van.

“Ow~” He groans before shaking it off, “Thank you for negotiating on my behalf, Reborn.”

“Don’t go getting all sappy on me, Pipsqueak,” Reborn scolds fondly, “Go tend to your family and settle business.”

* * *

* * *

“You know what ‘high people’ look like, Brat?” Reborn asks after a long moment of silence.

“Oh please,” I scoff, “Like you didn’t already know that I’m a fucking disaster.”

* * *

* * *

Our arrival home is heralded by tears, a frantic Hayato, and Mama’s homemade hot chocolate.

Triumphant, for a certain definition of triumph at least.

I’m pretty sure that Lambo is made of some magical form of rubber. The kiddo bounces back fast from bullshit. He lets Mom fuss over him for all of five minutes before he wiggles away and grabs I-pin by the hand and pulls her over to Futa introduces them and declares that they are going to go on an undersea treasure hunt.

A declaration which is immediately accepted by the other children and they rush off to make a ‘boat.’

They are resilient little things for sure. I can only assume that Lambo and I-pin got some sort of energy boost from the Flame transfusion that the Hibari Medics (?) gave them.

Reborn sleepily ducks his head out of the way to avoid an incoming ladle. The Tupperware set is deflected by Leon, who sprouts long extra limbs (that no one else seems to notice or comment on leading me to believe that I’m the only one who can see his Eldritch form) and carefully guides them through the doorway into Futa and I-pin’s waiting hands.

Hayato yelps as Lambo almost knocks his chair over as he rushes back though the kitchen to grab some ‘Diving Gear.’ And again when he rushes back to distribute to pots to his team of intrepid explorers.

“Watch where your going, stupid cow!”

He snarled and makes to run after them. Only to be stoped by Mom gently petting his hair.

“Don’t worry Hayato-kun,” She soothes, “They have some excess energy to work out imagination is good for dealing with stress.”

Hayato grumbles something unhappy sounding, but he doesn’t try to pull away from the head pets. He almost looks as exhausted as we do.

“Hayato, have you been waiting up all night for us?” Tsuna asks sleepily.

And we are collectively treated to Hayato’s face turning bright red. Right before he burrows his face into his arms. He mumbles something something completely unintelligible as Mom giggles.

“Hayato-kun was a great help keeping Futa-chan calm,” She says giving him one last affectionate pat on the head before she circles the table (looking a million times more present than she did yesterday) and slides into her seat at the end of the table. “And they were sweet enough to help me organize my record collection.”

That last bit is a little pointed. I don’t really get it but the metaphysical piano riff from Hayato sounds happy. In addition to that underlying stress and hint of ‘how could you leave me behind?’

“I didn’t want to leave you and Takeshi behind, Hayato,” Tsuna soothes, “But we needed to move fast and I don’t think we could have all fit on Hibari-san’s motorcycle.”

“We could have thrown the fucker off and gone without him.”

“Do you know to drive a motorcycle?” I ask, slumping against the table and somewhat instinctively leaning toward Reborn, who is like three seconds away from falling asleep.

“No, but I could have figured it out!”

Hayato glowers at me, “And you stop being suck a fucking idiot, idiot!”

“Oi!”

“Don’t fucking ‘Oi’ me bastard!” He continues leaning across the table to slap me across the head. “I had to hold the Baseball-Idiot’s hand while he freaked the fuck out! He was fucking crying! Do I look like I’m the kind of person who knows how to deal with that kind of emotional drama!? Because I’m not!”

“Shit... I should-“

“Don’t bother calling now,” Hayato scoffs, “As soon as Reborn-san called to let us know you were all okay I let him know. He and Kyoko are doing some sort of weird jock bonding ritual now.”

“Jock ritual?”

“They’re punching shit to work off their aggression. And competing to see who can break shit the best.”

“Sounds like fun?”

“It beats the fucking tears and puppy dog eyes at least,” He says with a scowl that tells me I am far from forgiven.

I groan pathetically, “Sorry, I really didn’t think things were going to escalate so dramatically yesterday.”

“How could you not?! You’re a fucking cryptid magnet! I’m surprised that Tsuna hasn’t being kidnapped by the Slender-man just from exposure to your weirdness!”

Reborn lets out a quiet snort of laughter, but doesn’t make any move to defend my honour, which I’m pretty sure is being besmirched right now... I think? Hayato is an alien nerd so it could just as easily be a backhanded compliment.

“What’s a Slender-man?” Tsuna asks.

“You don’t want to know,” we answer in unison.

Newfound grit and moxie aside, I don’t think Tsuna is quite ready for the strange and unnatural terrors dreamed up by human minds

“Let this be a lesson to you, Inari-chan,” Mom says slyly with twinkling eyes, “About the dangers of underage drinking.”

I... um...

We all just collectively stare at Mom who primly sips on her hot chocolate.

“That seems like kind of a wild generalization,” I reply, because there really isn’t a point of denying the underage drinking at this point, “Drink underage and get kidnapped by a cult intent on some bizarre form of human sacrifice?”

“Seems a good a generalization as any, Sweetheart. Whenever Lavina and I raided the Headmaster’s wine stash we would end up in catacombs, or trapped in an impossible masquerade, or in a long forgotten Cold War bunker.”

“...”

“Though I am happy you didn’t wake up in another country, Inari-chan. That could have been somewhat more troublesome.”

Tsuna snaps out of his sleepy daze and gives Mom an absolutely horrified look and mouths ‘oh no.’

“Well... that sounds like an interesting way to travel at the very least.”

* * *

* * *

Fun fact, Reborn radiates Sun Flames in his sleep.

I know this because in order to make sure that I don’t do something stupid like wander off in search of booze or random mobsters or mythical death monsters he sprawls across my back after I collapse into bed. I’m somewhat tempted to be difficult and argumentative about it just for the hell of it, but it’s just too comfy.

I don’t know if the reciprocal is true. Hell, I don’t even know if I have enough soul fire to register on anyone else’s radar.

What with me being a burnt out husk running on fumes that were appropriated by a crazy old dog who may or may not have been forced into the whole transfusion process by my insane megalomaniacal grandfather who is pretending to be dead.

“Stop worrying, brat,” Reborn mumbles before flopping over and snoring softly.

Well... I guess that answers that.

Tsuna drug Hayato into bed with him and the two of them are twisted around and half hanging off the edge of the bed. The cozy warmth of Tsuna sky radiating out and around the room making everything feel wonderfully safe, sleepy and hazy. I think the seal is well and truly gone now. Or as gone as it’s ever going to be.

...

I can see why they gave him Vesta.

Tsuna cracks a bleary orange eye open and squints at me, “Go to sleep, idiot.”

“Night, Tsu~”

Sleep is good. Sleep is great. I’m sure we’ll have plenty of time to deal with the fallout from our absurdly weird and dangerous lives tomorrow.

Give the universe a chance to reset itself a little. I’m sure no one else has to deal with this level of weirdness.

* * *

* * *

* * *

Basil watches though the window of the library as a heavy fog rolls onto the compound. Normally, Basil wouldn’t think anything of it, but after four hours of focusing on his academics he’s in desperate need of distraction.

The library has gotten almost suffocatingly warm since Julianna came in to light the fireplace. He has since had to migrate up to one of the window ledges above the second level catwalk. The slight draft that blows through has been nothing short of life saving.

He doubts that Oregano will be very happy study time once again becomes nap time.

He would care more about studying if books weren’t so... dull.

Pa- Signore Iemitsu shares his grievances regarding the library and the petulant childish part can’t stop throwing that back at her. There is only so much that his family can disrespect the man that they all call Boss.

Basil likes that in some ways they are alike.

Beasts that live for the thrill of the hunt.

Though at the moment he is more interested to know why Signore Visconti’s ‘Special Operatives’ are skulking about the grounds toward the outer walls of the compound. He hasn’t seen any signals alerting for intruders as of yet, however, that is hardly indicative of danger. Many of the Ninth’s men are in incompetent muscle heads these days and Basil, a fourteen year old CEDEF operative, holds more influence than most of them.

So many mindlessly violent men have come to work for Nono in recent years. So many that have been welcomed into the Family and set loose upon Vongola’s enemies and allies.

The Mafia and the Underworlds at large have become very aware of the iron within the velvet glove. The mess with Signore Cavallone have only made it that much more obvious that Vongola’s age of peace has come to an end. Even his cousins in Venice are...

Well, the Court is becoming very nervous.

Basil misses Federico.

He misses the man’s calm countenance. The thoughtful methodology ingrained in every action that he took. The way he hated violence for violence sake and criticized the legacy of Vongola.

All they were left with was bones.

Basil sighs and gently closes ‘Lucia Baldovinetti’s ‘Compendium of Poisons, Venoms, and Toxins.’ It’s a first edition and while he himself might not be entirely keen on books he will treat them well. The nightmares that he will have if he doesn’t are not worth it.

“P̹̗̠̂̾͗ś̛̩͔̖̈́̚͟s̥̪̭̗̓̎̑́t̪͉̀̈́”

Basil frowns and looks away from the window and survey’s the library from his perch. No one has come in since Julianna left. He has a birds eye view of the only doorway, he would have noticed if someone had come in.

“P̹̗̠̂̾͗ś̛̩͔̖̈́̚͟s̥̪̭̗̓̎̑́t̪͉̀̈́”

The Rain Flames soften his landing on the catwalk and muffles the sound before it can travel further than his own ears. The compendium slides silently into its place on the shelf as Basil continues to survey the library. Straining his ears to pick up even the faintest sound.

A breath.

A heartbeat.

The fire pops loudly and Basil drops down onto the main level weapon drawn and ignited eyes trained on-

The ghost.

The resplendent sparkling topaz luciform of a boy with wild hair and an impish smile who rolls his eyes at Basil’s dramatic entrance.

Or he would have had he had eyes.

The great gaping voidlike sockets have always turned Basil’s stomach. Though he has done his best to curb the impulse to vomit or shoot Nono whenever they are in his presence. It’s strange to see the ghost without Nono.

He doesn’t thing they have ever seen the fragmented horror of what had been his brother, her sister, outside the shadow of the aggressor.

He who smothered the Hearth Keeper.

Blinded the Guide.

The man that Basil had to smile guilelessly at as he patted his head and condescended to him holding a blade to his throat. And the part of him that’s the Huntress seethes at the insult and wants to snap her teeth down on his throat and hang the consequences.

It takes so much for him to squash the impulse to search and destroy.

But he does.

The boy raises a finger to his lips and beckons Basil to follow him before turning and walking through the portrait of Vongola Sesto.

...

Basil has never particularly wanted to become intangible, but he can’t deny the usefulness of the ability. It would be so much easer to stalk prey without being impeded by physical obstacles like trees or walls. Though it would be inconvenient to always be that way.

It also seems like a much simpler way of accessing the hidden passages within the Vongola compound. He’s had to discover everything the hard way thus far. 

He conducts one more quick scan of the library before carefully approaching the portrait. He lights one finger with his flames and concentrates until it sings just right, before dragging it along the edge of the frame and pressing into the symbol etched in the side.

The image ripples and Basil slides into the stone corridor beyond.

The ghost is already on the move skipping playfully down what was once part of a Roman fortress. For a moment, Basil is convinced that he hears humming.

There isn’t time to worry about it. His guide is already rounding the corner and while Basil has spend some time exploring these old passages with Signore Iemitsu he doesn’t know all their secrets and he doesn’t particularly want to get lost and become one of the skeletons in the walls.

The go left.

Right.

Left.

Before they stop at a wall and Basil watches with interest as the boy draws a design out in fire and the wall parts.

He... hopes that it stays open. On the off chance that his guide decides to phase through a wall once this adventure has reached it’s conclusion.

“Timoteo you can’t-“

“I don’t need you telling me what I can and cannot do in my own home, Croquant.”

Basil sucks in a sharp breath and presses his back up against the cold stones. There is the smallest slit in the wall in front of him through which he can see Nono and Signore Croquant. The boy appears next to him with a smile that Basil can only think to describe as malevolent on his cherubic face.

“Forgive me, sir,” Croquant apologies. His smooth, sonorous voice eliciting nothing but fear from deep within Basil’s soul. “I only meant that you shouldn’t be pushing yourself so hard. You have only just begun to recover and-“

“You did hear what I told you? Or are you just being deliberately obtuse in hopes that I will turn into a dotting old man and stumble back to my bed? There is a snake in our house, Croquant. We have been betrayed! Xanxus is gone!”

“... Timoteo, Xanxus has been dead for nearly a decade now,” Croquant says with strange gentleness, “You were the one who killed him.”

There is a long heavy silence and then a chill.

“But I didn’t.”

Basil stops breathing entirely as a swell of predatory force fills the space and Nono smiles a terrible smile.

“I **stopped** him.”

The crack of cold fire startles him and he flinches back into the wall. The boy reaches out a tiny hand toward him but he just phases ineffectually though Basil’s arm. They both turn back to the unsettling confrontation happening before them.

Nono twirls the sceptre in his hands as it becomes something much more menacing with the growing spires of ice.

**“I need you to find our rats, Croquant,”** Nono orders, **“You will tear through as many minds as you need to until you can tell me who broke him loose.”**

“Understood.”

* * *

* * *

Basil doesn’t know how long he stays there after Nono and Croquant depart. His muscles are locked and tense and he feels like he’s run a marathon. Eventually, he manages to pull himself away from the wall and the boy reaches out a dispassionate hand and draws another symbol onto the wall in front of them.

It swings open enough for Basil to shimmy through and then closes leaving him alone.

He’s... confused.

Concerned.

Bordering on the edge of terrified.

He can only vaguely recall Xanxus. Basil had only been living in the castle for a month when the coup happened. And then...

Why?

Why had the ghost gone through the trouble of showing him this?

What was the purpose?

Basil carefully makes his way back through the winding corridors deep in thought.

“Basil!”

It is only the lifetime of living with, working with, dealing with Pa- with Signore Iemitsu that keeps Basil from screaming when he is grabbed from seemingly nowhere and drug backward through the strangely oblong portrait of Vongola Quinto.

It also helps that Basil was the one who had discovered this particular secret doorway that leads into the ruins of the old Roman baths that Vongola had long since forgotten about.

“Sir-“

“I need you to- to- to-“ Signore stutters snapping his fingers as he searches for whatever word is escaping him

The man has THAT smile on his face. The one that Lal will usually take one look at and suddenly Basil will find himself on a train to Venice with Oregano. He’ll usually spend the next week or so visiting his mother’s old associates in the Court of Glass before Lal declares their ‘boss’ sane enough to interact with.

Basil understands that she only wants to protect him, and he cherishes the time he gets to spend with his mother’s family learning their sacred arts and the hunts, however...

Basil doesn’t think avoiding the problem is ever going to solve it. Not that Lal herself ever avoids their Boss when he gets into a mood. If anything she usually sticks closer to him. Her protective nature made sense when Basil was a child, but he’s fourteen now. Fourteen an ancient all at once and he know he can do more to help now if only she would let him.

Only now Lal isn’t here.

Lal is still on vacation in Mafia Land with her friend, and Basil is here.

Signore Iemitsu smiles and paces and rambles as he balances on the lip of a long since dried out pool like a giddy schoolboy. There is a flash of topaz light and sparkles and the ghost dances past their father before clambering up on to a broken pillar and grinning impishly down at both of them.

Signore Iemitsu juggles his pickaxe in a way that seem extremely dangerous as he continues to pace and mumble.

And he suddenly understands why she has always been so adamant about him being elsewhere when Signore was having his ‘episodes.’

“IneedyoutodecapitateNono’smaid!”

...

It takes a moment for Basil to work out what the man said. And another moment for him to gape in horror once he works it out.

“I’M NOT GOING TO KILL SIGNORA FELICIA!” Basil exclaims in outrage.

A hand is pressed against his mouth as Iemitsu leans in close to shush him.

“Who said anything about killing? Did I say anything about killing her?”

“Decapitation usually leads to death, Signore!” Basil argues emphatically, “And I’m not going to kill Felicia, not even for you! She is a lovely woman!”

She has also spent years spoiling him with special treats from the kitchens.

“HA! ‘Lovely woman’ my ass! You should have seen her during the collapse,” Iemitsu starts before cutting himself off, “Never mind, I don’t want you to kill her I want you tokeep her busy. You know d- de- dis-“

“Distract?”

“Yes! That’s the one!” Basil’s hair is aggressively, yet fondly mused as Iemitsu frantically paces past, “Decapitate!”

...

He suddenly understands Lal so much better.

“Just to be clear, you do you want me to DISTRACT Signora Felicia or DECAPITATE Signora Felicia? Because those are two very different things.”

“Yes.”

“... What?!”

“Hurry, shoo, go! The wrinkly fuck hardly ever leaves his office these days and when he does he has that gargoyle watching it like a hawk.”

“What? Signore, What’s-“

“I’ll explain later. That or I’ll be dead and then it won’t matter~”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey there! It’s been longer than I meant it to be. I hope you’re all doing well 🥰
> 
> I meant to have this out sooner but I kept getting interrupted by some very insistent rabid plot bunnies that I might actually have to give some attention to so they get out of my brain.
> 
> And, Hey look! A wild Basil has appeared with some plot~
> 
> As always I love hearing from you all! So let me know Questions? Comments? Theories? 
> 
> Until next time friends 🥰

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Caffé Sole](https://archiveofourown.org/works/22325113) by [fakeivy](https://archiveofourown.org/users/fakeivy/pseuds/fakeivy)
  * [and maybe I was worth it all along](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23524381) by [Firefly_Aki](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Firefly_Aki/pseuds/Firefly_Aki)
  * [Glitter Like Blood in the Dark](https://archiveofourown.org/works/23665756) by [Zazibine](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zazibine/pseuds/Zazibine)




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